My Latest Obsession

My BS

2015-12-21T13:02:00.000-06:00

I saw this post on facebook from a girl, talking about their new significant other and she said something that threw me for a loop.
At the end of her statement, professing her admiration for her new boyfriend, she put #heputsupwithmybs
And I thought, why do people demean themselves like that? I mean, I've definitely been guilty of feeling or portraying something like that before. So I'm just as guilty. But I feel like, as a society, our actions as women are a lot of the time herded into this imaginary realm where it's just "bullshit" and no one should take mind, we are just crazy and sometimes do crazy things.
But how about rephrasing that to say something like "He loves me as a human being and respects my opinions and actions. And he still wants to be with me despite my flaws and despite the fact that I'm just like every other human being out there that is trying to figure out this insane ride called life. Sometimes I go a bit crazy and sometimes I do things that probably aren't the most logical but he forgives me because that's what true love is. I am not perfect, I am not a super human. I have flaws and that's ok. I finally found someone that loves me despite them. And they're not just bullshit. They're just me. And that is perfect in itself."
Ugh.
Clearly I'm having issues with people loving me despite my flaws. And maybe it's me more than anyone else?

Truth

2015-12-04T01:11:00.001-06:00

What is truth? And is it constant? How do you know what's really the truth and what is not? Because it can also change. In an instant. I don't know whether people intend to be dishonest. Or whether they have good intentions or bad. But sometimes, people just don't follow through with their word. And sometimes that really sucks. Especially when you believed them. And especially when they believed themselves. But things don't always turn out they way you expect them to. Or want them too. We all know that. So how do you keep going with all the unknown? With all the uncertainty? When everything you know and hold to be true, could change so quickly. But I suppose it's all a matter of perspective. And a matter of how you choose to deal with things once they happen. But there are so many sides to just one story. Sometimes everyone is right and sometimes everyone is completely wrong. But then again, I suppose it's all just a matter of perspective. And then, I guess, there's a matter of trust. Even though everything could change, are you still going to choose to trust? And if you do, does that effect the outcome? I've been lingering between this weird place. Sometimes I get this feeling in my chest. It's like anxiety and adrenaline and inescapable dread all wrapped up in one, feeling like it's about to explode and take me out from the inside. And I can never tell if it's something I created or if it's something I'm feeling that is going to happen. I mean, it could really be either. It's one of those, "chicken or the egg" things. Most of the time, something bad ends up happening. Or already is happening. So am I predicting the events that are going to unravel themselves or am I manifesting them by continuing to allow myself to feel whatever it is that I'm feeling? Or a little of both? And in any case, what do I even do about it? Could being aware of it and handling it in a more positive way, effect the outcome? Or do I try to let it go or even ignore it before it takes over too much and I let things spin out of control? I guess I just want to know how much of it I'm just creating myself and how much of it I'm feeling from other places. I don't know what makes a person good or bad. I really don't believe in bad people. I have this thing where it's almost impossible to see a person as a bad person. Maybe I just haven't really met a bad person? But from my experience, in my own little existence, the characteristics that make people "bad" always come from a place of pain. And because I understand that, I can not see people as bad people. I see them as hurt. And afraid. And misunderstood. I think people mean well, despite their defense mechanisms that make them react certain ways to certain things. They're really only trying to protect themselves, and that's ok. That's how they learned to survive. But I think we've come to a day and age where we don't necessarily need those defense mechanisms anymore. I think we can overcome them. If only we can become aware of them and their causes, we can correct them and become a better person. Not just for us though, for the whole world. Because what would the world be like if it wasn't filled with people who chose love instead of fear. It would be a pretty shitty place. I got asked tonight, "Why are you such a good person?" My response was, "Because someone's gotta be." So what's the truth when you notice someone doing something bad? Does that make them a bad person? Even if they keep doing it? I don't think so. I don't judge people in that way. I think people need to go through certain things in life to learn where they ought to be. And it is not my place to judge them or tell them which way to go. I can only be the best friend I can be and encourage them to seek their own truth, their own happiness, their own fulfillment. Their truth is not my truth. And my truth is not their truth. I respect those people out there searching for what they really want. Because at least they have the courage to step away from their comfort, their security, their "limitations" to search for true happiness.

Seattle Roadtrip: Part 4

2015-11-20T17:31:00.000-06:00

Then we left to go even more south to meet up with my family in San Diego. We drove through LA right at sunset and got into San Diego just in time for bed.

One of my favorite things to do in San Diego is go to the Cabrillo National Monument and explore the tide pools. So I had to take Jordan there. We spent most of the day there before we had to take off to head back to Texas. Guys, meet my family. We look kind of a hot mess here but whatever. I love these guys.
Then it was back on the road to Texas!
We drove through the whole night. And by we, I mean Jordan drove the whole night because he wouldn't let me. And at midnight, it turned into his birthday. We drove into town soon after sunrise. It was beautiful.
We would spend the next two or three days together before parting ways. Things were never really the same after that. And I think the worst part is, I'm not sure I'll ever have the chance to be with him for that much time ever again. I keep hoping and hoping. But you never really know. You know?

Seattle Roadtrip: Part 3

2015-11-19T17:31:00.001-06:00

I keep thinking about showing him these pictures. But the one time I brought it up, he did not have a great reaction to the idea of seeing them.
And then I think, ya that's probably for the best.
I don't know how it would make him feel. Especially combined with all of the words I've spilled out all over this webpage. But who knows, maybe he already has. Maybe he's reading these very words that I am typing out right now. But again, who knows.
And then I think, what would I say if he did? If he saw all of this and asked why I posted them now. Because he probably, most definitely would ask that. What would I say? Why am I even posting these now?
At this moment in time, I feel like I'm right in the middle of either something really good or something really horrible happening between us. And while my mind is running with the millions of ways things could go wrong, my heart has settled on rejecting that kind of fear. Because in the end, what is that going to help? Right now, I am weary but hopeful. And in a surprisingly optimistic mood. But I'm not sure how long this is going to last. And I'm not sure what is going to happen in the very near future that could effect it. So my feeling is, that after this, I don't know if I will have the ability to continue looking at these pictures with such an optimistic view. I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at these and feel as ok as I do now. I don't know if looking at these pictures a week from now, will completely destroy me. So I better post them now. Because I just don't know.
And I'm ok with that reality. So realistically, now is going to have to do. Because I don't know if tomorrow will.
After we were done with Mt. Rainier, we headed farther south towards Mount St. Helens. We took a little tour of the Ape Cave Lava Tubes at the base and then drove through the red woods where we camped for another night. That was probably one of the scariest camping experiences I've ever had. It was so moist that dew was falling off of the trees all night, making us think there were animals scavenging around everywhere. And I'm sure there were. But I most certainly did not want to know about it.
After we made it through the redwoods, we stopped in Sacramento to stay with Jordan's brother and his fiance for 2 nights. It was fun to meet more of his family and we did some early birthday celebrations (for Jordan) which involved rock climbing and Italian food eating complete with embarrassing restaurant birthday singing.
We stopped along the coast for a break and spotted some sea creatures. I can't remember what they were now, but I'm thinking dolphins? The view was beautiful. There's nothing quite like the west coast. And of course, we stopped at the Trees of Mystery to say a quick hey to Paul and Babe. We didn't have time to stay and explore. But maybe next time.

Seattle Roadtrip: Part 2

2015-11-18T17:20:00.000-06:00

"It was probably nothing but it felt like the world" — Morrissey, Autobiography
Sometimes, the less I think about it, the more it feels like it was all just a dream. A dream that was so consuming and realistic though. And maybe it all was just a dream. Like a figment of my imagination, that I was foolish enough to believe it. But it's weird to think like that. Because at the same time, it felt so damn real. And sometimes, it still does.
After Seattle, we traveled south to explore Mt. Rainier national park. Which was beautiful by the way, probably one of my favorite parts of the trip. We camped for the night and then drove up to the Paradise Inn and hiked up the gorgeous trails they have there.

Seattle Roadtrip: Part 1

2015-11-17T16:36:00.001-06:00

What bittersweet memories.
I have been wanting to post these for a while. I've been editing them in batches, on days I feel emotionally stable enough to handle the rush of emotions that comes along with going through all of these and reliving that time.
Today is a good day. I mean, an ok day. I am working on being positive. And considering that the last few days have been pretty awful, I (thankfully) feel somewhat optimistic. So I'll take this opportunity to get these out.
I don't want to be bitter about the past. Or the present. Because I don't believe in living that way. I don't regret because life is too short. And I will cherish this short time we had together that was so, so incredible. Even when I know I may never have the chance again. But that's ok.
Today I am positive. So I am posting these.

So this is Jordan, by the way. The main subject to like my last 10 blog posts. The boy I am so helplessly in love with. The person I think about all day, every day. Love is a funny thing....
I remember, the first day that we hit the road was so surreal. Knowing that I would get to see him for more than 2 days was insane to me. Getting to look over and see him there, was amazing. So I took a lot of pictures like this. Because I was just so happy to be able to look over at him. And I didn't want to forget what that felt like.
So the first day we started out in Abilene (where he lives) and traveled through Oklahoma and Colorado, making a pit stop in Fort Collins for the night.
We made a lot of random stops to break up the drive, one being Sacajawea's grave site which we happened upon by complete accident. But definitely a happy accident.
We also stopped to venture down to this river that had been teasing us for miles. Wind river, I believe was the name. It was cold and there were a ton of mosquitoes but it was beautiful and a much needed break from the car.
The second night, we stayed in Yellowstone National Park. We drove in super late and cruised through the forest with our windows rolled down, enjoying the smell of pine and the cool air. It actually got pretty chilly that night, down in the 30's I think. We were definitely not prepared for that and we only had one sleeping bag. So we both squeezed in and kept each other warm through the night. Daylight and the warmth of the sun was definitely welcome though. In the morning, we got up a tad early to walk around and check out the park before we had to jet.
We saw the eruption of the Bee Hive which is apparently kind of rare? So that was cooooool.
And then it was on to Seattle where we worked the Renegade Craft Fair for two days! Kind of a disappointing turn out but fun none the less. These are the only 2 pictures we have from that. Woops.
Seattle is a beautiful city though. I love it. I wish we would have had more time to explore.
I think my favorite part is going to the market. And eating the food. Yes please. There are at least 15 more pictures of him like this as I just sat there, enjoying his company. I made a meme that is pretty funny. But I narrowed it down for ya'll. Le sigh. I sure do miss that face.
He was really good at capturing my awkward faces. Here's one of them. Enjoy.
Just being a stud. You know.

There are at least 3 more parts. So stay tuned.

Release

2015-11-03T23:57:00.001-06:00

There have been several times in the past few days where I've had momentary breakdowns. The kind where it feels like you can't breathe. Where you slowly slide down to the ground as your legs turn to mush underneath you. And before you know it, you're laying on the ground, crying. But it's more like you're gasping for air because no matter how much you breathe in, it feels as if nothing could ever fill you up again. Sometimes, like a magnet, my hand is drawn to my chest. Like it could keep all the pieces of me together. Like that would help at all.
It never lasts too long though. Eventually I run out of pain left to spill all over the ground. And the puddle around me seeps back into the earth, to be cleansed by her.
It's this kind of release that is the most comforting to me. To be able to feel everything I need to feel, even if it makes me crumble. Even if it busts my heart wide open and makes me feel like I'll never be whole again.
But maybe feeling it all the way to my core is the only way to truly be able to release it. I think sometimes we resist pain so much because we're afraid of the scars it might leave behind. But what about the stuff it may cleanse while it's in there, that deep stuff that we don't want to talk or think about? Maybe letting it flow completely through us is the only way to let it go. And maybe it's the only way to remind us to keep our hearts open.
I realized that the only way to love, is unconditionally. Because in reality, everyone is perfect exactly the way they are. Even in their flaws, they are doing exactly what they need to be doing in that moment in time. But I also realized that, that doesn't mean that they are all meant to be in my life. And as difficult as that is to accept, I think that's what I need to know.
It's hard when you love someone, to let them go. I don't know if we'll ever have another chance. But I know that for now, from a distance, I am going to learn to love them unconditionally. Because that is what I need to do. To survive.

Lessons I've been learning: - Love people for who they are. Because if you don't, then it's just a lie. - But also love yourself. Not everyone is meant to be in your life right now. Let go of what doesn't serve you. - Know what you need out of life. Don't settle for mediocre. Do what you gotta do. - Accept that things happen for a reason. The good and the bad. - Everything will still turn out ok. You are learning. You are growing. It gets better

Being A Women & Being Harassed

2015-10-19T14:19:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I get this weird, nervous smile. It doesn't have anything to do with being happy, it comes more from pure amazement and shock at a situation. It probably originates from a lack of how to comprehend something, this smile just pops up because the hilarity and ridiculousness of a situation is completely dumbfounding to me. And sometimes I have this like out of body experience where I step back (metaphorically) and think "What the f*ck is happening? What is my life right now? How bizarre for this to actually be happening. How absolutely strange it is to live life."

So yesterday, I spent about 6 hours of my Sunday watching a friend's baby for him while he had to work. It was nice. He was such a cute and easy baby to play with. And especially after visiting my sister (who is pregnant with a one year old) and contracting some serious baby fever, it was so fun to love on an adorable baby and play mommy for a day.
But when my friend asked if we wanted to go to Home Depot and get food with him, I was definitely ready for a break from single-handedly entertaining two children all day with no toys and not much else besides keys and sunglasses for entertainment. So we got the kids all piled into one car and took off.
We drove to Home Depot, which was kind of far away, and by the time we got there, the baby had fallen asleep. It was dark and the weather was beautiful so I offered to stay in the car with him while my friend ran in to get what he needed. He rolled the windows down for us so we could get a nice breeze and turned the car off because he was afraid his battery would die. Then he ran inside to get whatever he needed and said he'd be right back.
Meanwhile, Eliza had taken this gum out of her mouth and decided she was ready to discard it. So she stuck her finger, with this gum stuck to the end of it, out her window and was about to wipe it off onto the top of the half way rolled down window when I quickly spurted out, "Wait, don't do that, throw it *away* from the car!" So she then tried to flick it out, only to end up flicking it off back towards herself and into the car, landing somewhere in the darkness that was the floor. So I kindly asked her to get it and she removed her seat belt to try and retrieve the gum. But it was too dark and I ended up having to use my phone light to see it and just got it myself, throwing it out of my window so that we could avoid another almost-terrible situation. But now, her seat belt was undone and it was an absolute pain in the butt to get in. The doors were locked and I really didn't feel like getting out of the car anyways, so with the windows still down, I lean over into the back to try to get her dang seat belt buckled.
So there we are, in this dimly lit parking lot, with all of the windows rolled down. Eliza is in the back, sitting next to this sleeping baby. And I'm halfway in my seat, halfway in the back, trying to reach between these two car seats to get Eliza buckled up again. And then I hear someone saying something pretty loudly and quite possibly to me. So I look over the baby, out the other window, and these two guys, parked a few spots down from us, were shouting at me, "Hey, shake that ass for us!"
They repeated it about 5 more times, also adding in, "I know you can!" To which I replied "No" "No, go away" "No thanks" and then finally "Leave me alone"
And this is when that awkward, nervous smile came in and probably totally didn't help my situation. I mean, really, I was in complete disbelief that I'm over here trying to buckle my daughter up with this sleeping baby next to her and there are these two guys yelling at me, trying to get me to dance for them. And of course, my butt is like up in the air as I'm just trying to find the freakin buckle so I can buckle Eliza up and sit down so that these guys can leave me alone. But it seems like the more they yell at me, the more flustered I get, and the harder it is to find the buckle that is crammed between these two car seats in the complete dark.
Like, how ridiculous.
So finally I find it, buckler her up and sit down. By this time, both of the men are in their car. They back out of their parking spot and drive towards our car, stopping right in front of us. Then they proceed to ask me questions like "Are those your kids? How old are you? You look so young. Is that your son? Do you want to make another? What is your number?"
By this time, I was acutely aware at how outnumbered I was, being the only adult in the car with two young children. Also, being a female, and being harassed by these two decent sized dudes. Also, the windows are wide open and I have no way to shut them. And who knows how soon my friend will come out to offer me some relief or assistance.
I didn't feel immediately threatened. They weren't being too aggressive but were quite persistent and pretty dang inappropriate. I was extremely relieved when they finally gave up and drove off and luckily, I saw my friend walking out as soon as they did.
When he got back to the car, he asked "What was that about?" But I was too embarrassed and in shock to tell him. And I had this stupid smile on my face because I couldn't believe that had just happened to me. Finally I said, "Dude, next time you leave me somewhere, you need to leave the windows rolled up so people can't talk to me". And I kind of told him what happened but not all of it. Partially because we had pulled up to the Taco Cabana drive through and started placing orders. But also because I FELT GUILTY. I felt this sense of shame and regret that I had kind of put his baby in danger. I had this stigma that because I am a woman and I apparently have a butt that is appealing to men, that it was partially my fault. And I think that's the most shocking part to me. That I have that kind of reaction in response to being harassed by these men in a parking lot.
In any case, that is not fucking ok. I will admit that we were in a not so great part of town and these two men happened to be Hispanic. But honestly, that doesn't even matter. If two white guys would have done the same thing, I would be just as appalled. I am a young mom, with two young children in the car and I was literally trying to buckle my daughter into her seat. First of all, no man ever needs to tell a woman in a parking lot, in another car, to "shake that ass". Especially in that circumstance. And then to go on to question me about my children, age, number, and if I wanted to have sex with them? I was literally in the car with children and these guys were trying to get me in their bed.
The longer I think about it, the more the shock wears away, the more angry I get about it. Like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Why would this situation ever be deemed as acceptable? Where and who are their mothers and fathers or any adult figures that had an impression on them and helped them to learn their ways? Why would someone ever think it is appropriate to talk to complete strangers like that? Especially with children in the car?
Remember when I said I thought my life was a soap opera? I feel like a crazy person about half of the time.
It just amazes me how that situation even came to be in the first place and the little things that instigated it. Like if Eliza hadn't of accidentally flicked the gum back inside or if I had just suggested that I could get it off the floor in the first place, she would have never needed her seat belt to be re-buckled. Or what if the windows weren't even rolled down, she wouldn't have tried to flick it out, and I doubt some strangers would have tried to talk to me. Or what if we had parked one row over? Or I had just said that I didn't want to go to Home Depot, that we would just hang out instead of driving along.
It was all of these little things that got me to that point, that made that situation happen that is so amazing to me. Like where they all led to and that each of them had a purpose in the story, to help it along. And then all of that happened. And it could have turned out so much worse.
It's sad and depressing to think that something like that can be passed as appropriate and acceptable in our society. Definitely a reminder that we still have ways to go in the arena of equal rights and views towards women. But even my reaction and hesitation to admit what had just happened is alarming because somehow, I felt like I was partially to blame. That I had provoked them simply by the way that I look. I wasn't wearing provocative clothes, in fact I was still in my pajamas. I was wearing pajama pants covered in pictures of troll dolls and a tank top with a sports bra underneath, I was in no way revealing any part of my body inappropriately. Yet I still felt responsible.
So even though that shouldn't have happened, I think the fact that I reacted the way I did is an indicator of how negatively we view and treat victims in cases like this. How messed up is that?

What a weird day yesterday was. I still feel like I'm trying to process all of it. What is my life right now?

So Here We Go Bluebird

2015-10-16T13:00:00.000-05:00

Do you ever go through phases where you listen to the same songs over and over and over? Because sometimes they're the only ones you want to hear? Or that you need to hear?
Especially when I go through a rough time, listening to music can be so soothing. And even if they're sad, maybe especially if they're sad, they make me feel some sort of peace. Maybe because they make me feel like it's ok to be where I am. It's ok to feel what I feel. And that other people go through it too, I'm not the only one. There's a connection and an understanding that I get from music that lifts me on my darkest of days.
And then eventually you move on. Once you've felt what you need to feel, you don't need those songs anymore. You find new ones that you can relate to in a different way, that make you feel whatever it is that you need to feel next. And life goes on.
Anyways, here are a few that I've had on repeat the last couple of days.
This one is sung by a girl I went to high school with. She's incredibly talented (obviously) but I love her voice. Sometimes familiar voices are the most soothing.
Speaking of familiar, I'm pretty sure I've posted this one before. My best friend is the main man in it, this one goes on repeat when I have a really crappy day.
The rest are kind of sad but consoling.

And then there's this and it's great and I love it.
Forgive and forget. Let that negative shit go. For you.

Back & Forth

2015-10-15T15:00:00.000-05:00

Here we go again. I told him yesterday that I had to move on. I told him I had to let go. I can't put myself through the hopelessly waiting anymore. I can't put my life on hold right now because I think there might be a chance in the future. I can't put myself in that position. I'm tired of this limbo where I'm stuck between wanting him, wanting to fix things and then trying to grow, try to move on for myself. And I think it's for real this time.

6 Signs You're Not Meant To Be

this article was so on point, definitely some advice I could relate to.

I guess I just keep thinking, how do I know I'm making the right decision? I don't want to give up on something that means something but at what point do you decide you need to just let go? How do you know what's best? I still love him. Which makes it so hard. But we can't be together now. We can't do the long distance. Our lives and where we are going simply don't match up right now and no matter how hard we try, we just can't make the pieces fit. Trying to stay together is more torture than pleasure, it's destroying the both of us.

And I keep thinking, but what about in the future? What about when life has changed us and situations fluctuate? What if we cross paths again and it actually works out? What if we could have a chance in the future when we have grown and become better people?

So then my dilemma becomes finding peace in knowing I can't be with him now. Even though I love him. Even though I still dream of a future with him. Even though that could actually happen. I have to let him go now. I have to move forward without him for now.

And it makes me so deeply sad to think about what we started as and not having him in my life any more. Even though it became so miserable for the both of us. Maybe I'm just not good at letting go. Maybe I'm just too stubborn or sentimental. Is it going to take more misery and suffering to actually release him? Or can I just surrender and trust that everything is going to turn out ok.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a soap opera. I get so carried away with it. I get so deep in my emotions. I take everything way too seriously. Sometimes I forget to enjoy it for what it is. And to be more light. I get so passionate about everything that it's all jumbled up and I can't make up my mind or heart about which way to go.

Do you ever just wake up and want to go back to sleep immediately? And the longer the day drags on, the more you want to just be unconscious so you can actually rest for a while, take a break from reality, and then start fresh the next day. I'm so over today. I'm over being an adult for the day. It's 3 o'clock and all I want to do is crawl in bed and Netflix my day away. But I'm also a single mom so despite what I want to do, I have a child to care for until I put her to sleep. So I still have about 7 more hours before I can actually have some time to myself.

Ugh. life.

I'm just trudging on. Hoping for a sunnier day tomorrow.

Change & Self Love

2015-10-07T17:58:00.000-05:00

source.

One of the things I've struggled with the most in this relationship is change. Specifically changing myself. This kind of change, in this particular relationship, feels different than anything else I've experienced.

I respect Jordan so much. He is a very intelligent, heart feeling person. And he has great intuition. He's right about 75% of the time, especially when it comes from his heart.

One of the main reasons we keep breaking up is because we aren't willing to sacrifice parts of our self for the other.

But the thing is, the change that I see that needs to happen is change that will only make me grow. Only make me a better person. And I resist it like hell, for many reasons but mostly out of fear. I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons. I don't want to base my change on another person. However, I know that changing myself in the ways I know I need to, to make this work, can only be beneficial to me. But taking that leap, to trust someone and change and grow with someone, so soon, it's scary. And I haven't been ready to just jump off that cliff just yet. These things that need changing, are things I've been avoiding dealing with for a long time and being with him has just brought them to the surface. They're so ingrained and rooted in me that I'm afraid if I rip them out, they'll bring other stuff up with them. Or just leave me too exposed and vulnerable that I will regret it in the first place.

I can't deny I've questioned the motives and future of this relationship. It is so intense. And our connection is unlike anything I've ever experienced or even dreamt of. It's scary and it's crazy. But then again, so are most of the big decisions I've made in my life. However, sometimes I wonder if it's too much? And then I approach these questions that seem to be recurring and inevitable in my life: Do I stick to society's mold for what a relationship should be? Does this even fit into that category? Or do I just say fuck it and create my own world where I can do whatever I want? And if I do that, will everything turn out ok? Is this absolutely crazy? And if so, is it the kind of crazy I'm looking for? The kind that makes you feel free and alive and blissfully happy?

Sometimes I don't know, sometimes I feel absolutely sure. And sometimes I find little bits like this at exactly the right time that remind me I'm heading in the right direction:

"...The ability to hear criticism and then to change yourself for the better based on that feedback is also a fucking superpower. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. My problem was not my willingness to change, but my willingness to change for the wrong reasons. Change should make you bigger, it should increase your tank of self love, it should make you stronger, clearer, more directed, more differentiated, and more compassionate. The pain of growth is different than the pain of destruction. One will fill you with love and pride, even when it is hard, and the other will fill you with shame and fear. No one should use shame or fear to try to get you to change. When they do this they are not asking for change, they are asking for control..."

source

Sometimes I think I am losing myself to this relationship. Sometimes fear gets the best of me and I let it take control. It happens to all of us right? But I think the reason I know this relationship is right is because when fear steps in, when either of us start living in fear instead of love, everything falls apart. Our partnership is never based on fear or shame. And when it becomes that, that is when we have problems. The only time we have problems. When we can keep it based on love and respect and compassion, it is absolutely amazing. It's been difficult for either of us to step away so that we can heal from the inside. But we're learning that, especially right now, what we need is time and space for the both of us to take care of our own things.

So this time apart, I'm working on my sense of self. So that when issues do arrive, I can fix them. For me. And with as much grace as I can possibly muster. And not because I am dependent on him or being with him, or because the relationship is dependent on me changing. But because I want to grow and experience the potential that my life has in store for me. I know this relationship is what I'm supposed to do in my future, I feel it so deep down that I'm supposed to be with him. But right now, I need to focus on myself.

Being with Jordan has challenged me in more ways than I could possibly imagine. It has been a whirlwind and I got too caught up in in, it became too much. I guess the hard part is realizing that I'm going to have to surrender. Not to him, not to the relationship, but to myself. And trust that everything will be ok. That once I completely expose myself to this new experience in my life, I'm still going to keep living. And thriving. And that's also something I'm working on. Trusting and believing. In the Universe, but most importantly in myself.

It's so funny because it seems like every time an issue arises in the past few months (and years I guess), I always come back to self love. And I remember that at the beginning of this year, that was my one and only goal for myself. And of course, the universe sends me this person. This person that loves me, that connects with me, that understands me, that pushes me, and that challenges me. This person that forces me to look at myself, to love myself, to trust myself, and to not be afraid. I couldn't of asked for a more empowering person to call my love. But... I guess I did. And that's exactly what I got.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

-Elizabeth Gilbert

But what if good always comes out of the pain? You only know true happiness by knowing true pain right? Do you really have to give up on learning? And growing? And being with that person?

I for one never want to live a stagnant life. That is why I made such a huge transition in the beginning/middle of this year. I wanted something else, something better. I have never and will never do things because they're easy, I do them because they're worth it. But is it possible for me to be strong enough to withstand this kind of pain if it only means I will become a better person for it? Can we rise above and beyond the challenges? And create something that no one imagined we could be? What if we actually stuck together and became the best versions of our self, together? Continuously. Then we'd be the true meaning of a power couple. But... is that even possible? Do I have that kind of commitment and determination in me?

I'm not really sure yet but I sure as heck am going to try. For myself.

Me

2015-10-01T14:08:00.001-05:00

My feet are rough from walking around barefoot all summer.

My toenails bare plus a few specks a toxin-free polish that are still hanging in there from last month

My legs are unshaven 90% of the time because really how important is that?

I have cellulite on my thighs and tiny stretchmarks on my hips from when they expanded in preparation from childbirth. These are all things I got when I transitioned from child to mother. I am learning to not be ashamed but it's a struggle.

I have a (trimmed) bush because I am a woman and being bare makes me feel too naked.

I will never have a flat stomach because of this pooch on my lower stomach that I've had all my life. My mother always told me it gave me a belly dancer's stomach and when I was little, I used to draw faces on it and do belly rolls to make them dance. She thought it was hilarious.

But I have a great ass, mainly because I do a lot of squats. And leg day is my favorite.

My boobs aren't as perky as they used to be, I nursed a little one for 2 years. And they never will be but I love them just as much.... sometimes.

I rarely shave my armpits, except for when I feel like going out.

My arms are the strongest they have ever been in my life but I still can't do a real push up.

I have weird tan lines on my arms and legs from cycling in the middle of the day.

My nails are long and healthy, maybe too long because I never cut them

A few of them are also stained slightly yellow from the facemask I've been experimenting with that has turmeric in it. You win some, you lose some.

But my hands are soft from working with oils so much, and they love to be held.

My skin and hair are healthy and never dry, probably partially due to my lack of bathing but also because I eat so damn well (most of the time).

My hair is always a wild, wavy mess because that's the way I like it. I never brush it unless I'm about to take a shower. There are some things I never want to tame.

My ombre tips teeter between vibrant purple and a coral pink, whatever I'm in the mood for.

The freckles on my face reveal how much time I spend in the sun, depending on how dark they get.

And the pimples on my face declare how stressful my life has been lately or how much crappy food I've been ingesting, it's something I'm working on.

There's a lot of inner work I need to do but a lot of it reflects and is caused by the love I have for my body. Something I'm constantly learning is that the mind, body, and soul are all so deeply connected. This is why I started my business in the first place, to give honor to the vessels that we were given and to put more effort into caring for them the way we should. To be truly healthy, you need to take care of and respect all three of these aspects. Because when there is a dis-ease in one, it will slowly infect all of the others.

I have not been taking very good care of myself and it has really, negatively affected my life. I wasn't getting enough sleep, I wasn't eating enough and when I did, it was not nourishing food, I was forcing myself to do things every day that I didn't want to do, everything was stressful, I couldn't find joy in doing anything. I was just trudging on in this horrible state. I started breaking out, I got an infection, my body freaked out every time I ate, I didn't have any energy ever, I was tired and moody all the time. I was just a wreck. And I wanted to blame it on something else, everything else. But in the end, I just had to realize that I was in control. I am the master of my life and I needed to start taking care of myself. And only then would everything else around me, take care of itself.

Sometimes it's these simple lessons that you have to learn over and over. Life happens and I don't know, you just forget? Or you get lost and somehow your priorities just fly out the window and instead of catching them, you just start fall out too. And you just keep falling, and you get stuck in self pity and this illusion that you're falling and all you can see is your own "certain" doom.

Until you realize that actually, you can fly too.

Blood Moon Week

2015-09-30T14:15:00.000-05:00

This past week has been a doozy. This blood moon has really been f*cking with my head guys and it's been hard to get a grip on things.
After some time apart, I started talking to Jordan (that one guy I was talking about in this post) again. We started having talks about getting back together. They started out rough but got better with time. A little understanding and compassion goes a long way.
I've seen him twice since I wrote my last post and each time, we learned more about what we need to make this work but neither visits ended up with us actually getting back together. I think we both learned that there are things we need to focus on, by ourselves. And right now, our relationship is just getting in the way. Because then we focus to much on trying to fix "us" instead of fixing ourselves, which is the root of the problem anyways.
So we're still broken up. I'm still single ya'll. But my heart is still very much with him.
For now, we are taking time apart to heal and learn what we need for ourselves. I don't know how long it will take. Can you put a time frame on that?
In our last discussion, we both agreed that this was the right thing to do. And we both agreed we didn't want anyone else. And since we've stopped talking, since I've focused on myself alone, I have felt a million times better.
I actually cried after that. But not from being sad. I think it was more like, being relieved. And feeling peace. Because I knew everything was going to be ok. It was kind of like a release of all the things I had been holding on to, the fear, the hurt, the anger. I just let it all go.
I never got a chance to be on my own, you know? Like truly on my own. So I'm taking this time to love myself, feel secure in myself and in my life, and fully heal before trying to take on another relationship. I should have done that in the first place really but it just never happened.
I don't know how I found such an understanding, resilient, and caring guy to call my love. He surprises me all the time with his commitment to his heart and his path. It's inspiring and motivating.
We have a lot of problems but I think for now, we need to solve them on our own. Because being together is just complicating things.
And it's nice to know that even though I'm "single", I have someone waiting for me. Someone protecting that little piece of heart that I gifted them. And when I'm ready, they will be there for me. When I love myself enough to fully accept the love they are offering me. When I'm secure enough to hold my own in a relationship and give them everything they deserve without having to sacrifice myself in the mean time.
I know it might be a while. I've got a lot of work and healing to do. But it's nice to see a goal in my future, work towards something so positive that I want in my life. It gives me hope. And makes this process easier.
I'm on my own for a little bit now. And I'm actually feeling pretty good about it.

What do I need to know today?

2015-09-29T12:37:00.002-05:00

Feeling in need of some advice, I got on facade.com to draw a single tarot card for a little bit of divine guidance.
And goddamn, it was so accurate and brought so much reassurance that I'm ok, right where I'm at. This is what it showed me:

The Star

Star Tarot Story

On the bleak landscape where the Tower stood, the Fool sits, empty, despairing. He hoped to find direction on this spiritual journey, a path to his spiritual self, but having just learned that most of his life was a lie, he now feels lost. Sitting on the cold stones, he gazes up at the night sky wishing for some kind of guide. And that is when he notices, nearby, a beautiful girl with two water urns. As he watches, she kneels by a pool of water illuminated with reflected starlight. She empties the urns, one into the pool, one onto the thirsty ground.

"What are you doing," he asks her. She looks up at him, her eyes twinkling like stars. "I am refilling this pool, so that those who are thirsty may drink, and I am also watering the earth so that more fruit trees will grow to feed those who are hungry." She nods back to a single fruit tree that stands nearby, a nightingale singing amid its branches.

"Come," she invites. "Sate your hunger and quench your thirst."

The Fool plucks some fruit from the tree, then kneels by her and drinks from the pool. The water tastes wonderful, like liquid starlight, and the fruit is equally delicious. Both help to heal his wounded heart.

Having quenched his thirst and sated his hunger, the Fool lays back to gaze up at the stars. "They're so beautiful," he said, "but so distant."

"Like possible futures," agrees the girl. "Cool and distant. Yet if you keep one in sight, it can guide you to your destination no matter how far away it is." Even as she says this, she began to fade away, like dew, vanishing. All that remains is a gleam that was at the center of her forehead. This rises up and up, until it settles in the night sky as a shining star. "Follow your star," the woman's voice seems to sing from that light, "and have hope."

The Fool takes in a breath and rises. It is a dark night, a desolate land. But for the first time, he has a guiding light to show him the way. Distant as it is, it restores his faith.

Star Tarot Card Meaning

With Aquarius as its ruling sign, The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing, even unexpected help to offer us sustenance in bleak times.

Thus, the card says that there is aid and assistance out there to help us though hard times, like organizations that offer food and shelter in the wake of a terrible flood or fire. This assistance might, to us, be a friend or counselor, an uplifting book or music, anything that appears in our life and heals our wounded spirit. More, the card tells us that we can achieve what we most want to achieve, like flood or fire victims wanting to rebuild. This future, however, won't be growing to full size overnight like Jack's Beanstalk. It will take time and we must not lose sight of it.

This may seem like cold comfort. No one wants to hear that the person they're interested is not interested in them, but will be in the future. Or that they will not succeed today, but will later on in their life. Still, it is there, a glimmer of light in the darkness. The question is, do we feel it's worth waiting for or not?

That is the question the Star makes us ask ourselves: What do we want bad enough that we will go the distance for it? The answer will tell us as much about what we are as what we could be.

Thirteen's Observations on the Star

The Star is one of those cards that almost everyone loves. It is often the most beautiful card in the deck and its image suggests the peace and harmony of its meaning.

While this card offers hope and possibilities, however, the reader must remember that these are in the distance. Only a time of healing and peace, like the oasis of water before the Star, are in the now. Like Aquarius, the card's vision is for tomorrow. This means that if the querent is seeking love, a career, fame, wealth or even spiritual enlightenment, they can only be told that it is a possibility. It is not going to happen anytime soon. But if, like a ship navigating its way, they keep the star in their sights, they will eventually reach that other land they're seeking.

The Star offers no guarantees, of course, that the traveler won't tire and give up or be lured in another direction. And there is no telling what obstacles they'll encounter along the way. All the Star promises is that a particular future can exist.

The Star offers peace and healing and a glimpse of the future. It is up to the querent to decide if they are willing to go after that future, no matter how long it may take them to get there.

Goodbye Friend

2015-09-15T23:57:00.001-05:00

Relationships are hard. And confusing.
And breaking up is even harder.
I don't know what to say about it. I don't know what I want to share. It's not something I've talked about with a lot of people and not something most people approved of.
I don't even know what made me think that starting up a relationship so soon was a good idea anyways. But it happened so fast, and I got carried away in it. And it seemed so great in the beginning. Maybe too good to be true?

So I fell in love with this boy. And it very recently came to a very ugly end.

I met this boy at the very end of my relationship with Brandon. When I knew it was already over. And right away, we had this magical connection. I could look him in the eyes and knew exactly what he was thinking, what he was feeling. We were so much alike that understanding each other came so naturally. And we were both such passionate people, both leading with our hearts that we just ran with whatever we had. He made me feel like a queen. He made me feel empowered and loved. He wasn't afraid to talk about his emotions and cared about what I was feeling. He was everything I thought I was looking for.
The only problem was, he lived 6 hours away.
In the beginning it was ok. We texted, snap-chatted, and face-timed. Sometimes we would have misunderstandings but we were quick to talk them out and clear it up.
But the closer we became, the deeper we delved into each other, the harder it was to go so long with out seeing each other. Our misunderstandings snowballed into full blown arguments. And the distance began tearing us apart. We tried to create this plan for this future where we both ended up together but it was never really a solid one. And without some reassurance, I think we both started losing faith in the actuality that someday we would ever be together.
I fell for him, really hard. I opened myself up to him in ways I never would have imagined. And part of me wants to regret it, part of me is so angry at myself for it because things turned out so badly. We kept hurting each other over and over. The more we tried to work things out, the worse it became. The wounds just kept getting deeper and deeper.
I think the worst part is that we still love each other. So much. But the timing is terrible. We're both stuck with responsibilities and a stubbornness that makes it impossible for either of us to sacrifice too much for the other.
Because I'm still recovering from my last relationship. He's still recovering from his last relationship. And I think that the reality is that neither of us are ready to be in this current one.
But neither of us can let go. Neither of us can move forward. So we hold on. We keep getting back together thinking that maybe, maybe this time it will be different, maybe this time we can work it out. But we just keep hurting each other over and over, and slowly (but surely) killing our love. And I think that's what hurts the most.
What do you do? How do you move on? How do you accept what is even though it totally and completely sucks? How do you accept what you can't change even if you wanted to?
I didn't mean to end up back in this place. But here I am. Alone and heartbroken. Sometimes I'm ok. Everything else in my life is going pretty darn good so there's a silver lining to the pain. But sometimes it gets hard to breathe and my chest feels like it's going to collapse in on itself and my eyes leak uncontrollably. And I just completely fall to pieces.
It's different this time though. I mean, it was a pretty short lived relationship compared to my last one so I wasn't as fully involved in his life. But I don't feel lost like the last time. I know who I am. I know who I want to be. Unfortunately things didn't work out. And it's really fucking sad. But at least I've got myself. At least I still love myself.

I'm just stuck in this place of holding my ground, respecting myself and my needs and then like how much do I give to make something work? How much do I sacrifice before I start lose myself again? How do you find the balance? And find a relationship where you don't have to give up yourself to your love. Or is that what you're supposed to do?
I don't even know.
Ugh.
Relationships are hard. And confusing.

DIY // Face Mask

2015-09-10T12:17:00.002-05:00

You know those under-the-skin pimples? Those really annoying ones that you can feel coming but no matter what you do, there's no stopping them and they just seem to get bigger and more painful and despite your efforts and experimentation with every possible remedy you can find on the internet, they just WON'T GO AWAY?!
Hi. That's me currently.
But I tried this little mask concoction and it has helped so much! I love that I could just whip it up without having to buy extra ingredients, because it is full of things most people already have in their kitchen. And while it's definitely not a miracle solution, it has steadily and recognizably diminished all of the acne I have been experiencing lately (stress acne, ugh)

So don't laugh at my botched looking mask job. It's great for spot solutions and for some reason, these are my problem areas. Also, I know it looks kinda gross. Eliza and my dad remind me every time I'm seen walking around with it. I'm aware, thanks!

Anyways, here's my little mix.

This small amount has lasted me about 4 days (2-3 applications per day on my trouble spots). Also, I should note that a little goes a long way! And you don't want to put it on too thick because it'll start sliding down your face! Honey is slick like that.

1/4 tsp cinnamon 1/4 tsp nutmeg 1/4 tsp turmeric 1/4 tsp sea salt1 tsp honey (more of less for desired consistency)
-Mix dry ingredients together in cute jar and add honey until it reaches desired consistency. I personally just added the honey until I could actually mix it properly.
-You can leave it on really however long you like. Sometimes I only have time for a 20 minute application but sometimes I'll just leave it on for like an hour or two. Totally up to you. None of these ingredients are particularly irritating (at least not that I've noticed) so it's pretty harmless to leave on for extended periods of time.

Here is a little research on the benefits of each of these common, house-hold ingredients:
Honey // Natural antibiotic (great for bacteria causing acne), has an osmotic effect; it absorbs water in the wound and releases hydrogen peroxide, a great antiseptic which kills bacteria and clears acne, it's acidity prevents bacteria growth and anti-inflammatory properties reduce redness associated with acne, it's rich in natural antioxidants which prevent damage caused by free radicals, honey's sticky consistency pulls out dirt and grime, It is a natural probiotic and antibacterial properties of raw honey effectively reduce breakouts and prevent new acne formation, honey removes excess oil and leaves skin smooth and moisturized.
(source)
Cinnamon // Cinnamon is rich in cinnamaldehyde, one of its main constituents, along with eugenol, methyl chavicol, linalool, beta-caryophyllene and roughage or fiber. The components in cinnamon oil, particularly cinnamaldehyde, eugenol and methyl chavicol have great antimicrobial properties and eliminate microbial infection in acne, while the coarse granules and fiber in cinnamon powder facilitates exfoliation. This combination of characteristics, along with the benefits of honey which we’re already explained make for a great acne treatment.
(source)
Nutmeg // Nutmeg contains several potent substances, one of which is mace or Myristica fragrans. A study published in the Journal of Natural Products found that mace "exhibited strong antifungal and antibacterial activities." Ayurvedic medicine promotes nutmeg for its astringent and anti-inflammatory properties; in fact, it's traditionally been used to treat eczema and other skin conditions. Like honey, nutmeg can reduce the infection and swelling around your clogged pores, resulting in smaller spots and smoother scars.
(source)
Turmeric // can destroy the P.acnes bacteria that cause inflammation and remove excessive oil from the skin. Turmeric possesses anti-oxidant and anti-inflammatory properties, which are both beneficial in treating acne.
(source)
Sea Salt (because doesn't your skin always feel great after a day at the beach?!) // an incredibly powerful acne medication that works by cleansing the cells and killing bacteria while also promoting healthy pH levels in the skin.
(source)
Other things you can add (that I plan on experimenting with): Essential oils (lavender, tea tree, clove) Clove Powder Clay (bentonite, rhassoul, etc)

DIY // Purple Hair

2015-09-07T13:57:00.000-05:00

So in case you didn't know, my favorite color is purple. And for the longest time, I've been wanting to dye my hair purple. Buuuuut that involves bleaching and I was just sooo enjoying my natural hair color for a while. I mean it had been like a decade since I've had 100% completely natural hair color. And even then, it was a really weird, mousy brown. But then pregnancy came along and my hair went through some really strange stuff. And when it finally balanced out again, it was just too good to mess with.
But then I got the itch again. So I went for it! And I looOoooOOOoove it. Yay (:
I used a few of the tutorials I have done in the past regarding bleaching plus did a little extra research (which is all at the bottom of this post). For future reference (mostly for myself), I took notes and lots of pictures. It's been a while since I've played with this stuff but I'm *pretty pleased* with the results. And now I have purple hair! So score! Here is what I used and did: // Hair Dying Supplies //

- Clairol Professionals Pure White Creme Developer (I got 30 volume for the bleach because I have dark hair and 20 volume for the toner)- Kaleidocolors Tonal Powder Lightener (I use the purple to even out the red in my hair)- Wella T-18 Lightest Ash Blonde Toner - Manic Panic Purple Haze Dye

- Coconut Oil. This is the brand I use for like everything. Love it.

- -Other Random Stuff // Shampoo, brush, ponytail holder and bobby pins, clips, mixing bowl, mixing wand, brush applicator, plastic cap, foil.

- I ripped my foil about 6" wide and used probably 20 pieces.

Here is a last look at my hair as a complete brunette!!

Now on to the fun part.

So in doing my research on how to go from brown to purple, I learned about using coconut oil to protect your hair a bit from the bleach. I tested it out and definitely think it helped keep my hair moisturized and not as brittle as it most likely would be. I highly recommend doing this but it is completely optional:
- Lather your hair up with coconut oil! But I only applied it where I planned on bleaching my hair. And I especially stayed away from getting it too close to my roots. Because from personal experience, I have learned that it is quite difficult (for me at least) to get that out.
- Leave in for at least one hour, preferably over night.

- Mix your tonal powder lightener (aka bleach) with your creme developer in a non-metallic container. According to the directions, you use the entire packet of bleach with 2 oz of developer. This went so far for me, next time I'll only use half.

- Apply to hair, wrap in foil and let process. I left mine in for 1 hour.
-Also, I should mention that I primarily did just the ends of my hair. I wasn't ready to fully commit to all of that plus it's easier for me to maintain just the ends (I'm a single mom now ya'll)

- Wash with shampoo, you don't have to get all the coconut oil out just yet so don't worry about that.

(this ^^ is what it looked like after one bleaching)((also, excuse my armpit hair. I've been lazy))
- Mix your toner with developer. I used half of the toner bottle (1/2 oz) with 1 oz of creme developer. This was the perfect amount! Apply to hair, wrap in foil and let process. I left mine on for 30 minutes.
- Wash all of hair. At this point I just took a shower and made really sure to shampoo all the coconut oil out. I washed my hair at least twice.

- Let hair dry. I let mine air dry about half way and then got anxious and blow dried the rest of the way.
- On your dry hair, apply the manic panic purple. I applied it to my whole head minus the roots. Then I put on my plastic cap and let it sit for one hour.

- Rinse and enjoy!!

Inspiration & Resources: -Purple Hair Inspiration-Coconut Oil Hair Bleaching-My Latest Obsession // Dip Dying Hair Blonde-My Latest Obsession // Dying Hair from Brown to Red-DIY Purple Ombre Hair-Manic Panic: Purple Haze DIY Tutorial

Lately //

2015-09-06T12:59:00.001-05:00

Gosh, I don't even know where to start. There have been so many new things happening and things changing in the last couple of months. I can not even believe it is September already. But here we are!
Life status update: I feel really, really good. Things (mostly) have been going really well for me and sometimes everything happens super fast and all at once and it can be kind of overwhelming (and stressful) but I love all of it. And I'm so grateful for all of the amazing opportunities in my life right now. But sometimes it's nice to just have a day off (like today) to just soak in it all. I'm usually on the go 100% of the time, always keeping busy, always doing something. So when I get an entire day all to myself, to do whatever I want with no pressure? It's pretty awesome.
Anyways, here are a few cool things in my life. Things I'm happy about.

- We got a new kitty!!! There was a stray cat that had a littler of kittens at the tiny home and we rescued one before they sent the rest to a shelter. She doesn't have a name yet... we're still undecided. But we love having another little critter running around to keep us company.
- Eliza started school. Just look at her! She's in first grade now and going to the elementary school that I went to as a kid! Crazy. She's adapted so well and I think she's doing wonderfully.
- I did a 50 mile bike ride with almost 0 training and I'm pretty proud that I didn't die. I wasn't even sore! I guess I underestimate myself.

- I'm on a homemade sushi kick. And it is quite possibly the best thing ever

((some Sam Wish stuffz))

- I taught my first class, a DIY Bath Soak Workshop and it was incredible! I had such a great time and the group was so, so, so fun. It was so cool to be able to share my craft and love of making with others. I may even like doing these more than events!!! Seriously though, I can't wait to do another - I've all the sudden got a ton of wholesale orders coming in (like 5)!! Which is awesome! I guess now is the time for that. - Plus I just dropped off a ton of goodies at a consignment store in downtown Houston - I'm working on a collaboration with one of my favorite, fellow lady entrepreneurs (more on that later!) - I won an award from the National Association of Community College Entrepreneurs - My professor also asked me to guest speak at his class again. I feel so pro? - Starting to book up shows for the fall!! I love the holiday season- I've been working on a few new products that are making me pretty excited!! Hopefully I'll have those out by the holidays
((and other random life thingz))- Things with Brandon have been going pretty good. So, so thankful it is getting easier - I went on a massive work/road trip. Which I will be posting pics of soon. - Getting the hang of this new life. School helps a lot with making our days more routine. - I think I'm going to start the bbg over. Time to get back to my regular workout routine! - Did I mention that I got a new car? It was a while back but soooooo happy to have a vehicle now. She's so shiny and pretty! - The weather is cooling down, fall is just around the corner! - Oh and there is this new boy in my life. If you follow me on Instagram, you've probably seen him. But he's pretty swell (:

Basil on Basil on Basil

2015-08-26T01:31:00.006-05:00

Summer is officially over and it's so bittersweet. Isn't it always? Yesterday was Eliza's first day of 1st grade and it's like she never even left! Even though she's at a new school, she seems completely adjusted already. Kids. They're so resilient.
I'm kind of bummed that I don't get to sleep in any more though, I will definitely miss that. But I do have a good chunk of the weekdays all to myself again! Which means I can work and clean and exercise and just have time to myself without a 6 year old running around! And it also means that we're back to a more regular routine and one of the things I'm most excited about is cooking. Every. Night. I'm so over fast food. And spending money on sub-par meals that only makes me feel terrible.
I'm ready for some mouth-watering, so-healthy-it's-unbelievable, crazy exciting, and completely satisfying, delicious food!!!! Sometimes I forget how much I love food guys. And then I remember! And then I totally fan girl over all these recipes that I've just pinned to my pinterest board (called yummy-ness, in case you were wondering) and wish I could cook them all at once but I have to remember that I can only eat one meal a night and that I need to be patient because I've got my whole life to make food so it's totally going to be alright and I just need to chill out.
Anyways. Moving on.
So we have this garden that has been almost completely taken over by basil. Which is fine by me. Bring on the basil! But the thing is, the usual pesto pasta and pizza get old after a while. So today I went on a hunt for some fresh (and delicious) ideas to use up all this dang basil. These are the top contenders. I'm working my way down the list as we speak.

Thai Basil Eggplant
Caprese Panini w/Tomato, Pesto, & Mozzarella
Stuffed Portobello Mushrooms with Ricotta, Pesto, & Grilled Haloumi (which is apparently a cheese? and if anyone knows where I can find this "cheese", I would be forever grateful for your knowledge!)
Pesto Lasagna
Grilled Vegetable Quesadilla
Shrimp & Veggie Pesto Pasta
Pesto Squash Noodles & Spaghetti with Burst Cherry Tomatoes
One Pan Spring Tuscan Quinoa Bake
Sweet Corn Zucchini Pie
One Hour Sun-Dried Tomato Basil & Mozzarella Focaccia
Another that I don't have a picture for but would like to try: Roasted Red Pepper & Basil Pesto Pasta
Annnnnd you can check out a few other pesto based recipes I've tried here.
Oh man. Basil ya'll.

The Last Of It.

2015-07-25T01:59:00.003-05:00

Last night I went back to the tiny home to get the last of my stuff. I didn't have much left. Just some clothes that I managed to fit into one suitcase, a few plants that were almost dead anyways, my crystal collection, some important files, and a few other random tidbits.
But guys, it was tough. More so than I ever thought it would be.
Driving through the neighborhood that I once called home was tough. Driving down the familiar streets that I biked almost every single day was tough. Pulling into the gravel driveway in the spot we usually parked our car was tough. Walking through the tall grass up to the door of the house that I built, was tough. Seeing my cat for the first time in what feels like months, was tough. But sitting on the floor, the ones that I installed, looking around at everything I had worked so hard to create and knowing I had to leave it all behind, was the toughest.
I had a lot more stuff in there than I thought. But the thing is, most of it I couldn't even take with me.
The last months of building the tiny home, I spent a lot of the time working by myself. Most of the cosmetics on the interior, I completed almost single-handedly. So when I walk in and look around, I see the walls that I spent hours on floating and sanding and texturing and painting. I see the cabinets that I built by myself, the concrete counters that I spent so much time perfecting. I see all the shelving that I installed, the table that I build, the ladder that I thought up and brought to life. I see the floors, which came from my mom's house, that I nailed in while listening to Jeff's talk show the few days after he died. I remember spending hours putting up the tile, gifted from my step-dad, in my bathroom while internally dealing with the fact that my best friend was moving across the country and I was absolutely heartbroken about it. I remember trying to put all the gosh darn wood flooring on my ceiling and how much of a pain in the butt it was. And all of the art that we had collected together to make it's home on our walls. I can't take any of that with me. And while I was sitting there, being flooded with all of these memories and feeling the pang in my chest for all of the things I had to leave behind, I was so sad.
Sadder than I wanted to be.
But I stayed a bit longer, as I gathered my belongings and slowly walked around looking for anything I might have been forgetting, and then I remembered why I left in the first place. It didn't take long for the feelings of claustrophobia (not the physical kind) and helplessness and this looming sense of despair to creep back into my conscious. The place oozed with it. And maybe it was just me. Maybe it was just an emotional response to a place that I began to resent because of the situation I made it out to be and now I just can't see it as anything else. Maybe it's all just me. But I knew I couldn't get sucked into that again.
So I left. Again. And I chose to be grateful for all of the beautiful things in my life right now. I absolutely love where I am. There's no turning back now.
Onward!

Right.

2015-07-18T06:02:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about why I stopped blogging this past year. And perhaps why others choose to stop blogging.
I was watching a documentary about a certain celebrity and it kind of helped me to understand what they (celebrities) go through, being in the public eye all the time. And why I consequently stopped writing about my life when things took a turn for the worse.
Not that I'm so popular or anything but there is a certain pressure that comes with being an open book all the time. There is a certain vulnerability you put upon yourself by publicly sharing your life.
I've said it before, so it's not anything new but I was really depressed for a really long time. And I was really lost. And lonely. And so confused. And to me, when I get that way, I tend to turn inward. I don't mean to shut people out although sometimes that seems to happen. But I have to step away to find silence. To listen to my heart. To think clearly. And to figure out what I want. So I spent a lot of time alone. I didn't talk about it to almost anyone. And I don't know if it was because I didn't want people to know or because I just didn't think they could help me. Or because I didn't want their help anyways. Or maybe a little bit of all three.
But it got to a point where I couldn't hide it anymore. I couldn't pretend. I couldn't keep living the life I was living because I was really unhappy. I finally had to give up on the ideas that I thought would make me happy. I finally let go of what I thought were my dreams. I knew in my soul that something wasn't right. Like trying to force a puzzle piece into a hole that didn't fit.
I had to make a lot of really hard decisions. And I wanted them to be all mine. I didn't want people trying to tell me what to do, trying to tell me how to live my life.
When I decided to separate from Brandon, I only told a couple of people. My mother, my sister, and my best friend. Those were the only people I trusted enough to not try to force me down the wrong path. They supported me and offered me advice when I asked. But most of all, they loved me unconditionally. And that was just what I needed.
But when it came to blogging, I just couldn't put everything into words. It was too hard. I could barely think about what was happening, let alone put it out into the world for judgement and criticizing. I felt like I had been ripped apart and I couldn't bare to show the world all of my broken pieces. Not yet. Not until I had some time to put myself back together again.
It's been a hard journey. No part of it was easy. I had to walk away from a life that I had worked so hard to create. But guys, I felt like I was slowly dying, like I could feel my soul withering away a little bit more each day. I couldn't find myself anymore. I couldn't breathe. So I came to the eventual truth that I just couldn't do it anymore. Something was terribly wrong, the life that looked so good from the outside, was empty on the inside. Something so massive was missing and I needed to find out what that was. So I gathered whatever strength I had left and I ended it all.
So here I am. A few months later. Trying to rebuild my life. It's been so humbling. And I've learned a lot about who I am and who I want to be. And although I'm still very much in transition, this is definitely a beginning for me. I still have hard days, most things are a struggle in fact, but I haven't felt this positive about the direction I'm heading in a really long time. I *know* I am exactly where I need to be right now. This feels so right. It's not perfect. Far from it actually. But it's right.
Somewhere a while ago, I took a wrong turn and now I'm out to find the path I was supposed to be on all along.
And I'd like to bring you all with me, if you'd like to follow along. I recently remembered how much I loved blogging, how much I loved taking pictures, how much I loved documenting my life. Not for other people, but for myself. It was once one of the greatest joys for me to come to this space and share bits of my life. To make friends all over the world and create our own little community. I remembered how much blogging helped me to appreciate life. Appreciate the beauty that surrounds us. And appreciate all of the wonderful things we get to experience. And leave my little breadcrumbs so that I can come back later on and remember the things I had forgotten. Remember the things I needed.
So I've decided that I'm going to shut my comments off indefinitely. Not because I don't want to hear what you guys have to say but because I want to focus on doing this for me. I think subconsciously and even consciously, it's been a huge block for me to consider all of the people that read my blog and then have to worry about what they think or have to say about what I share. So for right now, that's what I'm going to do. But if you really want to contact me, feel free to shoot me an email: samwish3@gmail.com

Haha well enough of my repetitive ramblings. I hope you all have (or had?) a wonderful day. So much love to you.

Well I Have A Car?

2015-07-02T12:56:00.001-05:00

Life is... Oi. Do you ever feel like you're being tested? I guess it's all how you make it but this past week has been a doozy. So very up and down, it's hard to get a hold on things. Like everything will be going so good but then there will be this one little mishap that just throws me for a loop.

>> After going without a car for so long, I was *finally* able to start looking around so I can get me a set of wheels! So I picked out this awesome car, it was a great deal and I made an appointment with the guy to go buy it. So I woke up (on time) the morning of but then my dad made us late. And then we got stuck in traffic. We were literally a block from the dealership and they shut down the road right in front of us. And then when finally made it there, the salesman was with other customers! So we waited at least 20 minutes for him to actually get to us. And then by the time that he did and he went to go get the car, he found out that someone else had JUST sold it. Like 5 minutes before. WHAT. I almost cried but I brushed it off. It wasn't meant to be. Let's just leave asap and I'll figure it out later.
>> So that was a total bummer. But I wasn't going to let it ruin my day. I had my dad drop me off at the Gay Pride Celebration downtown and I ended up having the best day/night that I've had in a while. I got to see some really awesome, old friends of mine and just had fun.
>> My dad wasn't sure when the next time he would have off would be so while I was off celebrating, he went to look at another car closer to his house. And he found the *nicest* dealership. So the next Monday, they came and picked me up since I didn't have a car and all. The guy, his name was Austin, was suuuuuper nice.... Although I think part of that was because he thought I was cute ;) He even took us to get lunch before! I wasn't actually hungry because I had just eaten but he bought Eliza a sandwich from the place she wanted to go. Then we went to go check out the car and he drove us around in a little golf cart. He even let me take the car we were looking at (a prius, duh) home for an extended test drive. I loved it and was really pleased with that whole car searching experience. Much better than the last. So the next day I went back and purchased it. I have a car now guys!!
>> The extended test drive ended up being really convenient too. I got to go up to my mom's for the night and visit family that was in town for only one more day (good timing!). And then my brother's car broke down so I had to go rescue him and help take care of that. You seriously never know how convenient it is to have a car until you don't have one!
>> When I went to my mom's, I started painting with her and it was so nice. I forgot how much I loved painting. It's so relaxing and like an escape for me. When I was in high school, I used to go work with my mom in the summers as a faux painter. It was annoying at the time because I wanted to be out with my friends but it was a really good experience for me I think. My mom would wake me up early in the morning, I would basically sleep walk into the car, and then I would listen to music all day and just tune out and paint. Even during the really hard summers, it was a nice place to go and forget about everything. And just be by myself. So now when I paint, I just slip back into that. It's almost like meditating. But I get to keep my hands busy and make something which is the best. Creating things is like my drug. It fills my soul. It was so nice.
>> And then my mom acted all impressed and surprised that my painting turned out so good, like I had never painted before in my life! I had to remind her about those few years that she taught me everything I know. Haha. My mother, that crazy woman, I love her.
>>After visiting my mom, I headed back down to my dad's house so I could buy my car and I ended up on this street I shouldn't have even been on and I got my first ever speeding ticket. It was the last day of the month and I supposedly was going 55 in a 45. But honestly, I have no clue. I wasn't even paying attention and before I knew it, this cop was flagging me down and writing me a ticket. I hadn't even purchased the dang car and I had already got a ticket while driving in it. It was so bizarre, I still can't really believe that happened. I guess I need to take care of that. Ugh.
>> Anyways, I'm trying to remain positive even with all the little obstacles life keeps throwing at me. Sometimes it's the little things that fuck me up and make everything seem horrible.
>> But also, I think I'm starting my week of p.m.s so I'm trying not to let my emotions get the best of me. Just taking it one day at a time ya'll. Things are looking up though. Now if I can just make it through this next week, I'll be good ;)

Summer Fun

2015-06-25T17:58:00.001-05:00

This past week has been kind of a whirlwind as far as figuring out my life goes. Working out all these things like who’s going to get the car, who’s going to live in the house, where we are actually going to live, gets very emotional and draining af. Everything has been so back and forth but I think it’s finally all starting to balance out (thank god). It’s been frustrating to say the least but I really am looking forward to the future. Everything is working itself out, I guess it just takes a little patience.

So I’m in search of a new car. Brandon offered to buy mine since he uses it most of the time anyways. But taking care of Eliza while vehicle-less is turning out to be quite a challenge. So Tuesday, Eliza and I woke up early and started dealership hopping. It’s been kind of fun looking around and test driving cars with her. Single mom life isn’t so bad!

My work life is picking up. I’ve got some really awesome shops solidly stocking up on Sam Wish which is pretty exciting. And I’ve also started working at a mobile boutique which is turning out to be pretty fun. It’s flexible and right up my alley! Now I just need to get a car so I can actually take care of all of that, but all in good time!

I’m also considering going back to school? I’m thinking of getting my bachelor’s in business. There’s a University of Houston campus like 3 miles from my dad’s house, I could bike there! Or even run (if I was that motivated… or fit). I’m a little on the edge about that though. I’m not sure I’m ready to go back to school for another few years. Plus I’m not sure about the commitment that would require from me…. But I mean, I’m here. I might as well, right? We’ll see. I have about a month to decide on whether I want to do that or now.

Also, I’m planning some fun trips for the rest of the summer. I’ve got a lot of adventures in the works!! I’m still working out all the details, I’ll post about it soon buuuuuuuut I’m pretty excited about it. I forgot how much I love planning things. And dreaming. Like really big, fulfilling dreams. It’s making my heart feel so full again.

My summer is getting pretty booked up, it should be smooth sailing from here on out! Just a lot of work and play. Until Eliza goes back to school that is! Until then, I’m looking forward to having fun with her and trying not to take everything so seriously. I just want to live in my bathing suit, do lots of cuddling and sleeping in, and maybe make some things along the way. Oh and travel. And spend time with the people I love. Yes. All of those things. And I will be set.

Yayyyyy summer.

A Little Austin For My Soul

2015-06-23T01:40:00.003-05:00

This past weekend I took a little mini vacation to Austin, TX with my dad and brother and boy was itgood. Exactly what this gal needed.
>> As soon as we arrived late Friday night, we headed straight to Trudy's for some stuffed avocado goodness (my favorite) and the most delicious margaritas in town. I left with a fully belly (and minor stumble) but passed out quick and slept very well on my twin sized air mattress.
>> Saturday morning, we woke up at 6:00am for this 25 mile group bike ride we were planning to attend (wishful thinking) but then made an executive decision to skip it in favor of a closer-to-home neighborhood ride, just the three of us... oh and 2 extra hours of sleep! It was still rough though, those Austin hills get me every time.
>> The rest of our Saturday morning consisted of helping my dad move the remainder of my sister's stuff to storage, grabbing some lunch (sushi, yess), and then heading out to the Greenbelt for one of the best adventures I've had in Austin yet.
>> So we trekked miles through the slickest of muds, literally gliding across it for a good majority of the way, and made it to two different waterfalls. We jumped off trees, falls, and cliffs (into water of course), found a cave, a few new friends, and even a dog named pig. It actually started pouring on us as soon as we made it to the second falls but it was absolutely perfect. The storm cleared out 95% of the people so we ened up having most of the place all to ourselves!
>> At one point I ended up sitting by myself in the shallow water, enjoying my surroundings while some small fish hid from the current behind my feet and nibbled on my toes. I actually tried to catch them but turns out my reflexes were no match for those tiny little pests... plus the refraction of the water was definitely throwing off my hand to fish coordination. Oh well, better luck next time.
>> It was a really, really wonderful little adventure though. So relaxing and so much fun, it was exactly what I needed. There's something about mud squishing between your toes, swimming with all of your clothes on, and walking through the woods in the pouring rain that is so extremely grounding. I loved every minute of it.
>> When we finally made it back to our home base, I took *the best* hot shower ever and quickly changed into some clean, dry clothes for dinner at my dad's favorite Italian restaurant. I spilt wine all over my brother's shirt (it's ok, I washed it out immediately) and ate wayy to much fettuccine alfredo (which kind of made me sick) but it was fabulous. Then we took a quick rest before heading back out for a night on the town with my daddio for his Father's day celebration. We went to Rainey Street and hit up Lucille's (the name of my dad's mom so of course we had to go), Craft Pride (a bunch of craft beers, not my choice), and Blackheart where we listened to a Nigerian rock band finish out their set.
>> At about 1:00, my dad was ready to retire so we had him drop us off for a quick dance sesh and last call drinks at Barbarellas. Oh and I bought this amazing necklace from a vendor that was just set up outside!

>> Somehow we befriended these boys that invited us to play pool. So after the bar closed down, that's where we headed. Oh!! But as I was leaving, this beautiful gypsy man that had been watching me all night (it's so peculiar being single ya'll) stopped me outside, took my hand, told me I looked like a nice person, whispered his name, and slipped me his business card saying something along the lines of, "This is what I do, this is my music, this is me". Then he turned around and disappeared into the crowd. Apparently he's a part of this Eurasian Prog Core band.... don't ask me what that means because I have no idea. If I had to describe him, I would say he looked like the love child of Brad Pitt and Heath Ledger. Not a bad combo if I do say so myself.

>> Thaaaat was bizarre but not the last strange encounter of the night! So we proceeded to this billiard room to play pool with our new friends. And theeeeeeen this random (and seemingly out of place) group of hippies walk in and with them is this other person that I totally knew!! Well by knew him, I mean I had seen him before. And by seen him before I really mean, he was a performer at the Archaic Revival festival I went to and I had watched him (probably for hours), completely mesmerized by his mad fire poi skills. I had never seen someone, in person at least, with such great rhythm and flow with the poi. It. Was. Magical. And I never thought I would see him again but there he was! And I could tell he recognized me too because I saw him give me the double take when he walked in and saw me sitting there. But I was too shy and slightly inebriated to make anything of it. Oh well.

>> We ended our night shortly after that and hit the road the next day.

Besides a few minor hiccups, it was a truly enjoyable weekend. I was accompanied by my brother and dad and it was so fun to just get to hang out with the both of them. My dad has been extremely helpful lately, he's basically been my rock through all of the craziness that is my life right now. And my brother is basically my best friend. He's my partner in crime, it's so easy to relax and have a good time with him.... Sometimes that's all you need.

Brandon had Eliza for the weekend (since it was Father's day) so I got to have a little break from mommy-ing too. As much as I love that little bugger, it's nice to just be a 24 year old sometimes.

Well that's all for now. I had a really great weekend and I wanted to write it all down before I forget. It's nice to be able to do that again. It's nice to be able to put my thoughts into words. I've missed blogging. It's so good for my soul.
Oh and before I leave, I just wanted to express my gratitude for all of you guys leaving me the sweetest of comments. It really touches my heart and I just wanted to say how much I truly appreciate all of the love and support. So much love to you guys!

Life Lately

2015-06-18T17:53:00.004-05:00

// Moving back into my dad's w/Eliza// Setting up my new studio// Figuring out how to work (like actually, productively) in this place// Getting used to our summer schedule aka having Eliza all day long // Training for my new job, driving around a fashion boutique (!!)// Planning lots of summer adventures // Thinking about going back to school in the fall// Binge watching Orange Is The New Black // Staying dry and lazy. Tropical Storm Bill ya'll // Still working things out with Brandon such as the one car we shared, who's going to end up with the house, who gets to keep our kitty, and how we're going to share our time with Eliza // Enjoying my own bedroom and bathroom. Seriously// Also, a dishwasher?! And gas stove. It's the little things. // Hanging out with my brother and dad. They're kind of the best.// Working on my summer tan // Not keeping up with my workout schedule or healthy eating diet #yolo // And just adjusting to this new life in general

Amidst all the chaos and absolute shit storm that this is *sometimes*, I truly believe that this is exactly where I need to be right now. I'm still trying to figure everything out, but who isn't? Despite the hard times, I finally feel like I am where I'm supposed to be. And I wake up happy. And that's something I'm really, really excited about. I've got a lot to look forward to in the next few months. And I really, really love being at my dad's house right now. It's always been like a sanctuary to me, my safe place. It's nice to be here right now, it makes the transition easier on my heart.
I feel like everything's going to be ok.
(: