Jill of all Trades

That Really Grinds My Gears

2013-06-10T13:38:00.000-04:00

You know what I hate? I hate it when I've JUST finished painting my nails and then, suddenly, realize I have to take an urgent poop.

You can't make it wait 20 minutes for your nails to dry, and it's absolutely impossible to preserve your nails while wiping.

Plus...this happens to me regularly. I think it's because I like to drink coffee while I'm painting my nails.

"Ew!"
"Gross!"
"C'mon, talk about TMI!"

Yeah, well, you know what?

YOU GUYS KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, DON'T YOU? DON'T YOU???

That's what I thought.

How The Hell Does Jim Carrey Do It?

2013-06-07T17:25:00.003-04:00

Now let me just start off by saying: I LIKE Jim Carrey. I think he's incredible both as a comedian and as an actor. He was great in (almost) everything he's ever been in.

But let's be honest here, the guy's not very attractive.

What's bad is I think this is supposed to be a handsome picture.

So what I want to know is how the hell he ended up playing opposite so many incredibly good-looking people???

Think about it. We have two of the women from Friends:

Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) in Bruce Almighty...

...and Monica (Courteney Cox) in Ace Ventura.

There are Indie/Manic Pixie Dream Girls Zooey Deschanel and Kate Winslet:

Yes Man...

...and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

There's Cameron Diaz:

The Mask

...and Laura Linney:


The Truman Show

...and Renée Zellweger:

Me, Myself & Irene

...and Téa Leoni:

Fun With Dick & Jane

...and even freaking EWAN MCGREGOR:

I Love You, Phillip Morris

He manages to get not only several of the hottest women, but also one of the hottest MEN in Hollywood playing opposite him.

...Maybe there's something about him I'm not seeing? Is he like Channing Tatum or Taylor Lautner--one of those guys that everyone seems to think is attractive (while I simply DO NOT GET IT)??

Like...it's gotta be the muscles, right? Bitches love muscles. But dude...LOOK AT THE BABY FACE. It ruins the entire thing. I just...I just don't get it.

The world may never know, but as he gets older it'll be interesting to see if he still lands the hot middle-aged women. Like how Sean Connery still gets the ladies even though he's like freakin' 80 years old.

I also uncovered something in all my Jim Carrey research for this post that may be of interest to my readers: I didn't know this, but apparently he went out with actress, model and crazy-person Jenny McCarthy, whom you may know as the person who is trying to keep you from vaccinating your children because contrary to EVERY SCIENTIST AND DOCTOR EVER she is convinced it gives them autism.

Oh yeah, I'd take her medical advice over my doctor's any day of the week.

I can only assume he uncovered the crazy and ran as fast as he could.

But of course in true Jim Carrey form...she's totally hot.

Writer's Block

2013-05-22T19:10:00.000-04:00

When you're a writer and also a perfectionist and also easily overwhelmed and also have nothing going on in your life to inspire you and also kinda would like to make money someday...a number of crazy things happen to you. You go through a series of different, and quite extreme, phases, first of all.

You cycle through this over and over, getting a little further each time. Sometimes you get real writer's block too, just to mix it up, and can't even come up with a bad idea (much less a good one) for like...a month. Sometimes more. You find yourself doing writing exercises, reading books, and coming up with all kinds of wacky schemes to try to spark your creativity.

Writer's block can even lead into real depression, which everyone knows sucks.

Eventually that too passes. Sometimes it needs a little encouragement...

When you don't have Gandalf handy, you do something like listen to music, go for walks, work on your garden, bake cookies...anything that is NOT writing. Much like falling in love, inspiration happens when you're not looking for it.

And the next thing you know...

Ted Nugent, I Do Not Want Your Donuts, Or Cat Scratch Fever, Thank You.

2013-04-28T15:33:00.000-04:00

Last night, Tyler and I saw Styx, REO Speedwagon, and Ted Nugent. Styx and REO Speedwagon were fantastic, and really they're the ones who deserve to have a post written about them.

But unfortunately for them, Ted Nugent was so hilariously fucking AWFUL that he takes the comedy cake.

First off, everyone knows his songs. Cat Scratch Fever, Just What the Doctor Ordered, etc. They're not amazing. But he definitely thinks they are, so that was entertaining.

His set was funny too. It was him, his band, and a screen in the background that changed 3 or 4 times during the show. From something like this:

...to something like this:

Originality!

Then there were the rants. He was in Virginia, who is pretty well-known for being protective of her guns. So he felt comfortable to ramble about guns and hunting and how it was okay if we all choose not to shoot deer, because he kills enough for all of us.

He got cheers of support for some of it, like his general "yay guns" statements. But it was nothing more than a mutter through the crowd by the time he got to bragging about all his crazy-ass deer-murdering.

Actual picture.

He seemed to really hate the French, which is pretty stereotypically a right-wing 'merican thing. I never totally understood why, either--they're the people who helped us BECOME America, you know? I was a little surprised he didn't hate on Canada too, while he was at it.

He also remarked that there were only crackers in the crowd, and then talked about how black people invented all the best music, and even finished one song with a shout of "Black power!" It seemed like a desperate attempt to prove that despite thinking the country would be better off if the South had won the civil war and that apartheid was complicated because not all men are really created equal, he really liked black people deep down.

"What are you talking about, I am SO loving! Just look at this face!"

Some other gems I've found that popped right out of Ted Nugent's crazy-ass mouth:

"I'm not in the leftist controlled Rock and Roll Hall of Fame because of my political views, primarily my lifelong militant support of the NRA, the Second Amendment, and my belief that the only good bad guy is a dead bad guy."

...not because your music sucks?

"What's a feminist? Some fat pig who doesn't get it often enough?"

...how do YOU ever get it??? DO you ever get it? I'm a feminist and I get it absolutely as much as I please, thank you. In fact, getting it as much as I please is PART of being a feminist. You dick-kicker.

"I'm like a black Jew at a Nazi klan rally."

...uh...is this supposed to mean you stand out in a crowd? Why use this example and not, say, a banana in the orange bin? Chewbacca at a Stark Trek convention? A white hair in a black guy's pubes?

"…Yeah they love me (in Japan) — they’re still assholes. These people they don’t know what life is. I don’t have a following, they need me; they don’t like me they need me… Foreigners are assholes; foreigners are scum; I don’t like ‘em; I don’t want ‘em in this country; I don’t want ‘em selling me doughnuts; I don’t want ‘em pumping my gas; I don’t want ‘em downwind of my life-OK? So anyhow, and I’m dead serious…"

...hey. HEY. TED NUGENT, I'M TALKING TO YOU. You are an asshole, YOU are scum, I don't like you, I don't want you in this country, I don't want you selling me doughnuts, I don't want you pumping my gas, I don't want you downwind of my life (just my farts)--OK?

How Is This Even Comfortable?

2013-04-28T13:09:00.001-04:00

Hi!

2013-04-24T17:58:00.001-04:00

Now...why would I draw Jill with blue hair? Hmmmm....

Maybe because of THIS:

BAM! Professionally done too, so no orange and green splotches like last time I attempted blue hair.

Whoo-hoo!!!

Fish Are Gross

2013-04-22T11:07:00.000-04:00

This weekend Tyler and I went fishing with our friend Mike.

By which I mean they fished, and I watched squeamishly. I reeled one in, and I handed people things when they needed them.


"Hey, bitch, hand me another chicken liver!" (I handled zero chicken livers. Gross.)

But they were biting that day, and we caught about 30 catfish. No joke.

We brought them all back to our apartment and set up a giant (messy) system for gutting, cleaning, and chopping the heads off. The boys started. I made the beer run.

When I got back Mike was gutting and Ty was chopping off the heads. I watched in ~~fascination~~ horror as his knife crunched through their gigantic backbones and their little heads arced up with the force, their mouths gaping as if they were screaming.

Sometimes as he cut in, they'd release a bit of gas and it sounded almost like a little squeal, and I was trying to get a video of it. But I got something much, much more terrifying. Not for the weak of heart. Ready?

"Yeah, fuck you guys. You're gonna eat me? I'm gonna ruin your appetites."

So that was Friday.

Saturday we went to Busch Gardens with a big group of friends. We drank and rode roller coasters and someone gave me the little stuffed turtle he won. It was a good day. And mostly made up for the fish from hell.

If you want another (more) hilarious fishing story, read Allie Brosh's How a Fish Almost Destroyed My Childhood.

Legitimate Rape: A Song By Taylor Ferrara

2013-04-17T08:25:00.000-04:00

This is funny. This is really funny.

I wish, when people like Todd Akin say horrible things that make me want to punch their elephant till the stars and stripes fly right off it, I could just put on a smile and write a biting, sarcastic song for all of the internet to enjoy.

Unfortunately, I just shoot steam out of my ears and share links to videos by people who have it a little more together.

Uplifting Quotes For What Could Very Easily Turn Into A Super-Depressed Day

2013-04-16T14:07:00.000-04:00

"The best way to get rid of the pain is to feel the pain. And when you feel the pain and go beyond it, you'll see there's a very intense love that is wanting to awaken itself."
Deepak Chopra

"Our happiness or our unhappiness depends far more on the way we meet the events of life than on the nature of those events themselves."
Wilhelm von Humboldt

"Just as despair can come to one only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings."
Elie Weisel

"The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests."
Epictetus

"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."
Mahatma Gandhi

"Find a way to make beauty necessary; find a way to make necessity beautiful."
Fugitive Pieces

“It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.”
Anne Frank

"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light."
Aristotle Onassis

"We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone."
Ronald Reagan

"Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared."
Buddha

Proof I'm From Portland: Part 2

2013-04-12T09:48:00.000-04:00

1. When it starts pouring and I'm driving down the freeway at 60 mph, passing accidents and people driving like the blob is chasing them...I take off the cruise control, turn up my music, and mutter "y'all motherfuckers don't know how to drive in the RAIN."

"I ain't never seen nothin' like it, Officer. Water was comin' from the SKY, so 'course I done steered right into another car."

2. The only trolls I fall for on the internet are the Portland-bashers. Hence my response to this article (6 Reasons Why Portland Sucks For Single Men):

I grew up in Portland, and then I lived in upstate NY.

I found the latter absolutely appalling, and I'm chalking up your asshole 'tude to being from there.

Maybe the kind, fit women of Portland would be more willing to talk to you if your nose wasn't stuck up your own ass. Portlanders don't like pompous east coast jerks.

I'll give you the part about the weather. It's depressing and dreary and definitely makes you want to crawl into bed all winter. But what cracks me up is that everyone in Portland is crawling into bed all winter WITH everyone else. If you're not getting laid in PORTLAND, there's something seriously wrong with you.

I'm not normally so rant-y, but I'm also not normally so disgusted. So.

3. I hear any weather warning except "earthquake" or "flooding" and have an absolute panic attack. For example, this is part of today's forecast:

Oh, you know, just a tornado or two. A TORNADO OR MOTHERFUCKING TWO.

Screw errands, I'll be staying in the house today, thankyouverymuch.

4. I scoff quite arrogantly at people who use umbrellas.

5. I'm shocked every time someone orders a cappuccino thinking it's the same thing as a latte.

What gives away where you're from?

Proof I'm From Portland: Part 1

Grumpy Flower

2013-04-06T12:51:00.001-04:00

Jason Dohring (Logan Echolls) Officially Signed Up For Veronica Mars Movie

2013-04-03T12:50:00.000-04:00

That's right, everyone's favorite "psychotic jackass" has officially signed up for the Veronica Mars movie!!

Initiate: Project Smolder

The movie definitely wouldn't be the same without him, so this is pretty epic news. So far the people officially cast are Veronica, Logan, and the guy who won the part in the movie (as a waiter who says "your check, sir").

Don't panic, though, if your favorite character isn't official yet. A LOT of the Veronica Mars favorites have already more than implied they'd be in on it, including Ryan Hansen (Dick Casablancas), Enrico Colantoni (Keith Mars) and Rob Thomas (creator/director). And I have a feeling they'll be able to convince a lot of the others back as well, especially considering this optimistic "cast" page on IMDB:

As for me? I'm excited for more of this:

...and this:

What I Picture When I Hear "Undone" (The Sweater Song) by Weezer

2013-03-30T15:35:00.000-04:00

...Because if the sweater unravels and that makes him naked, he must have been wearing nothing but a sweater in the first place.

Which...ew.

I Must Like Romance Novel Names

2013-03-26T12:27:00.001-04:00

I couldn't sleep last night so I just laid there trying to think up good names for characters. And I realized...I like romance novel names. Which is, not gonna lie, pretty embarrassing. I mean the only thing more embarrassing would be, like, stripper names.

As it is, I'm not sure this is really a lot better:

*sigh* Maybe I should give up on writing anything serious and stick with poop jokes...and maybe romance novels. I've heard there's a market for gay romance novels. Maybe I should try my hand at that.

...I Don't Get It.

2013-03-24T14:27:00.000-04:00

Not that I've ever understood most performance art very well. But this? I just...don't get it.

Tilda Swinton (The Chronicles of Narnia, Moonrise Kingdom) is part of a performance piece on display at the Museum of Modern Art, called The Maybe, in which she sleeps in a glass box. On display.

...That's it. Just her, some cushions, and a jug of water. Sleeping.

Sounds riveting, right?

Photo courtesy of Gothamist.

Am I missing something? Am I just as cynical as my grandpa and totally unappreciative of modern art?

Maybe I should create some "art" where I do incredibly normal, boring things on display.

What Happens When There Is Such A Thing As A Stupid Question

2013-03-22T13:34:00.001-04:00

Sorry I didn't write yesterday, guys. I've been trying SO hard to write every day this month. : / I'm sick and SO wiped out from it, it's been all I could do go about normal tasks of the day.

To make it up to you, I went to the never-ending well of hilarity that is Google, and found some real gems pop up for search suggestions. Ready? OK.

All these other people are delving into history, concerned about their fellow man and how many of them died in tragic events--or just how many of them exist. But this one loner is more panicked about his chances of contracting herpes.

And he's got a whole slew of panicked company.

...it snowed here yesterday.

And there you are. Stupid people of the world...the internet is your safe haven (clearly).

11 Reasons I Am A Geek

2013-03-20T18:16:00.002-04:00

11. I desperately want a Doctor Who tattoo and an atom tattoo. Maybe something like this:

A Gallifreyan symbol.

...and this:

10. I keep up with nukes, the nerds of the Navy, in conversations about Star Wars.

9. I am a fangirl of all of the following: Star Wars, Doctor Who, Firefly (and Dollhouse, and Doctor Horrible, and...basically I'm a Joss Whedon fangirl, okay), xkcd comics, Batman, Lord of the Rings, Dresden Files, Carl Sagan, The Big Bang Theory, and probably more that I'm not thinking of off the top of my head.

8. My favorite t-shirts are these three right here:

7. In high school I got straight A's. Scratch that, I got straight weighted A's. My GPA was 4.15. The English department got together and gave me a little Powell's Books gift card and certificate for being the biggest English nerd in the school--and presented it to me in front of 405 of my peers.

6. I watched all of Death Note in three days. I am familiar with the basics of anime and manga and know slightly more Japanese words because of that than I do because of actually knowing Japanese people.

5. I didn't have my first kiss until I was almost 18.

4. On tv shows, I always fall in love with the goofy smart guy. Examples:

Add caption

3. I was in band for 7 years--all of middle and high school. And then I taught lessons for a while.

2. Speaking of lessons, I also tutored several of my peers in Spanish, Literature, Math, and Social Studies. While in high school. Some of them were in my grade. People also only wanted to be on my team for group projects because they knew I'd pick up their slack.

1. The main reason I am a geek: I can't keep up with "normal" conversations. People start talking about Jersey Shore or football and I murmur something about Doctor Who and back slowly out of the room.

What makes YOU a geek?

My Top 5 Guilty Pleasures

2013-03-19T15:51:00.001-04:00

5. Katy Perry

Especially this song.

4. Zac Efron

It's bad, it's cheesy, I'm such a predictable girl with predictable taste and predictable genitalia...blah blah blah. I'm a little too distracted by the smoldering to care about your mockery.

3. Facebook personality quizzes

I can go at them for hours. The real trick is keeping them all from sharing on my wall...I don't want everyone to know I have no life.

2. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese

Speaks for itself.

1. Sex & the City

I love it all. The clothes, the shoes, the cheesy humor, the guys, the sex jokes. All of it. I admit it. It's shallow and silly and pretty much the most estrogen-packed thing ever. Don't care. Love it.

What's This? What's This? There's Something In The Air!

2013-03-18T18:29:00.000-04:00

A new phenomenon has been occurring lately in Jill's world.

Just kidding. Unfortunately, I just got my 141st period.

It's beautiful in its own way--when it started it sort of made me feel like a "real" blogger.

I have begun receiving spam comments.

On top of making me feel like a legitimate target (which means my measly rise in pageviews lately must be significant), they're also quite entertaining. They range from misspelled nonsense to drug and alcohol information, and the sites they link back to are all over the place (often inexplicable).

I've brought you some of the best I've received so far:

How Funny I Am Depends On My Period: A Graph

2013-03-17T14:05:00.001-04:00

Jill Gets Serious

2013-03-16T15:30:00.000-04:00

Readers!! I need your help.

This blog has become my focus lately--I don't know if you've noticed. It's 2:45 pm on a Saturday and I'm still in my pajamas, doing hours and hours of "Improve Your Blog" research.

I've started with this blog, in my writing career. Chances are I'll write novels and poetry again too, but this seems to be where my heart lies at the moment. I want to produce quality humor for the internet.

Quality.

That may or may not mean making some changes.

But I don't want to make them alone (and I'm not sure I can!). This blog is for you guys as much as it is for me, and I want your input. I want to know what YOU want to read about, and how you want to read it.

Here are the things I'm considering:

1. Changing the name. The blog was originally supposed to be about jobs, hence "Jill of all Trades." But does that fit anymore? Is it really unique or dynamic enough to represent me and my style of writing and my sense of humor? What names would fit better? If I set up a poll, would you guys vote on a new name?

2. Switching from Blogger to my own privately hosted Wordpress site. This can seriously improve your SEO (Search Engine Optimization) as well as give you more control, more customization, and more uniqueness. My address would also be something more like www.jillofalltrades.com and not, you know, www.samantha-jillofalltrades.blogspot.place.user.host.com. Yay for a sense of identity!

3. Switching up my layout a little. Not changing my content--I think that's perfectly valuable as it is (although I do plan to add more of my own pictures!)--but maybe making individual pages with individual themes. Like a Celebrities page, with all my posts about how much Fran Kranz rocks and Chris Daughtry sucks, and maybe a Projects page, and a Politics page, and a Polls and Quizzes page. I dunno. The possibilities are endless!

There are a number of other things I could do as well, and if you all have suggestions, PLEASE, make them. But these are the main things I'm thinking about right now, and the main things I need your input on.

What do you think???

Pro-Tip:

2013-03-16T10:49:00.000-04:00

If you use your Google account to comment, you won't be "Anonymous" and you won't have to list your Blogger blog in your comment--I'll be able to get to it by clicking on your name. Which I almost always do.

Then your post won't look like this:

Hi i saw your post from pinterest and its really cool and i wish i could be just like you. Youre funny nd smart!

My site: www.howtomakemoney.blogspot.com

And it won't get deleted because it looks like spam.

Jill Gets Science-y: The Higgs Boson

2013-03-15T16:43:00.001-04:00

Y'all remember the Higgs boson, right? The one that the media was (and still is) very stupidly calling the "God particle?"

The one that made idiots all over Facebook and Twitter claim they had found scientific proof of God, when in fact...it was a discovery more in the opposite direction?

The one that scientists working on the Large Hadron Collider were pretty sure they'd discovered last summer?

Well, they've just confirmed that it was, in fact, a Higgs boson. This is really cool because it further supports the standard model for particle physics, and the big bang theory.

Not the show. The show has all the support it needs--by being hilarious.

Now, all they've done is confirm that it is, in fact, a Higgs boson. They have yet to determine exactly what its properties are and what type of Higgs boson it is. Until this discovery the Higgs boson was pure theory, so there's a lot to figure out still.

Buuuuuuuuuut the mere fact of it is pretty fucking exciting.

This universe is cool as shit.

"After Ever After"--What Happened To The Princesses?

2013-03-14T14:32:00.000-04:00

Have you guys seen this yet? You should. Not only is this kid extremely talented, this video is awesome.

The Aladdin one is my favorite, but they're all pretty freakin' hilarious.

*ALSO* I don't normally indulge in this kind of shit but I've been watching both Freaks and Geeks and Pretty Little Liars recently and therefore this news is making me squirm in excitement: James Franco is dating Ashley Benson!!!

Which is a little weird since she's my age and he's 34. That's an 11-year difference. But hey. Whatever works for them.

*

If We Raise Enough Money, They Will Make A New Veronica Mars Movie.

2013-03-13T19:11:00.000-04:00

No shit, guys.

Go here to support it, if you're interested. I know I am. Veronica Mars fans have been plugging for a movie since the show ended 5 years ago! Kristen Bell and Rob Thomas are both in already.

You can also win some cool prizes for donations of 10, 25 and more dollars, in increments.

Yay!!!!

UPDATE: Within 24 hours, 43,000+ backers raised 2.6 million dollars. Broke several of Kickstarter's records, including fastest to reach 1 million and fastest to reach 2 million. We are looking at a Veronica Mars movie next year, folks.

And I was a part of it! Only a $3.00 part of it, but I'm very very poor.