This Walk

2020-07-05T08:01:00.000-05:00

Neither is there any creature that is not manifest in his sight: but all things are naked and opened unto the eyes of him with whom we have to do.

Hebrews 4:13

This week, I've been considering getting some rabbits for meat. Every video I watched regarding the care and raising of rabbits, the most important bit they kept going on and on with is how you must know the gender of your rabbit. Why? Because they breed like rabbits. (Yes, they used that exact joke... a lot. )

So, seeing as I've never personally be able to tell the gender of any animal I google imaged, I watched videos, and repeatedly watched how people confirm the gender of rabbits. I still don't know if I'd be able to 100% accurately declare a gender, as it seems the truly hard part is holding a rabbit on it's back and having it be still long enough for me to figure anything out. But, as a girl, I really connected with, and appreciated that the video presenters - nearly every single one of them - apologized to the rabbit and attempted to sooth the rabbit with gentle words of how they knew this was awkward and how sorry they were to have to look and mess with them in this extremely personal way.

I suppose it was the excess of video I watched on this that made it come to mind as I read the Bible this morning. I was reading in Hebrews and read that verse in chapter 4. "Neither is there any creature that is not manifest in His sight: but all things are naked and opened unto the eyes of Him with whom we have to do."

As I read it a second time, that picture book in my mind opened up precisely to the point where the rabbit breeder pushed down in the appropriate area and the gender organs were protruded enough to make that declaration of gender. They were exposed. Opened.

There's so much in my own life that's private just because we are home bound and don't share life deeply with hardly anyone. There are things that people would know about me only if they spent a lot of time watching me. Things about my character that would be revealed only by watchful, prying eyes, just because they may be traits, flaws or struggles that I'm not too proud of so I wouldn't naturally just open them up to others.

But, to God, all things are naked and opened. He sees me. He knows me. Every ugly, deeply personal, awkward detail. That thought alone is enough to leave me feeling vulnerable and consider "He knows.... how does He love me still? Does He? How could He?"

But just two verses later the author of Hebrews continues... it's like he knew where my mind would go after he used such visceral words as "naked and opened unto the eyes of Him with whom we have to do".

For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:15,16

I tend to think of infirmities as a sickness. But here, the writer connects the word "infirmities" with "all points tempted".

"As we are."

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

In time of need.

I find a lot of hope in these words. Something desperately needed after I imagined my entire life, both physical and thought life being naked and opened before Him. The very thought of such is enough to make me feel immediately vulnerable and as though surely I should be cast out.

You read stories about people like Nehemiah (Nehemiah 2) where he was afraid because the king questioned him because of his sad countenance. A sad countenance. And Nehemiah was afraid to be questioned on it. And yet here I am, standing before the King of Kings with all of me exposed. My frustrations, angry thoughts, all the things I'd failed in accomplishing this week.

How could the King of all Creation love me anyway?

For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

Come boldly, that you may have mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Dear Lord,

I am overwhelmed daily by the tasks of this life, my patience is short, and my tongue is too sharp. I feel daily the sting of failure. I beg your mercy and that you consider my infirmities. Show me mercy, and please, give me grace to help in this overwhelming time of need. I desire to be a vessel that brings honor to You, a joyful fragrance that rises up and blesses You. This Lord, is my time of need as never any other has been. Please help me to do what is right in Your eyes, to walk in wisdom and righteousness each day. May the fruit of your Holy Spirit grow within me to give me patience, and long-suffering love for those around me. Please Lord, break the pieces of my mold that have cracked and are misshapen, and mold me into a vessel of honor unto You. That I may give glory unto my Father and King of all Kings who sees me - every deep part of me - and yet has not cast me away. In the name of Jesus I come humbly,

Amen.

A lesson from a tomato plant?

2018-12-27T10:57:00.000-06:00

I was watching a YouTube video this morning regarding care of tomato plants. And something the woman said really caught my attention. She said that a tomato plant isn't trying to grow you a beautiful tomato, it's trying to spread it's seed. So it spreads itself way out in the attempt of spreading its seeds more and more.

By spreading itself out like that, it makes itself vulnerable to animals that would come and eat it's fruit, rather than the gardener. So to circumvent this,

we put up stakes and help the fruit/plant grow upward instead of outward. She stated that if the plant fails, it's not necessarily because she's a bad gardener (though obviously the gardener is often at fault) but it's because the challenge is that we're asking the fruit to do something contrary to it's nature.

She went on to say that she often waits until she sees the beginnings of stress (the curling of the leaves) on her plants, because that stress releases chemicals that actually enhance the flavor and vitamins in the fruit. If her plants never faced stress they wouldn't be as resistant to bugs and disease.

So she watches. Wanting to water, but careful to wait for a sign of stress.

I'm not going to write out the significance of that in a spiritual sense. It all seems so clear to me.

But she went on to say that over-watering, also causes the plants to lose their flavor.

I find that idea very interesting.

Did God really say?

2014-11-21T19:01:00.000-06:00

It was a simple and sincere request from someone who loves my daughter - "Please reconsider". I'm planning on leaving my daughters with family for 10 weeks while I go to India, seemingly, because God has told me to. She is NOT the first, and won't be the last. And I especially respect that she was bold enough to say it rather than suggest things, make vague references, But...
"Please reconsider" can only be done if I'm doing this as part of my own desire, and not God's. But oh, reconsider I did, and do, often. "Did God really say?" may be what the devil tempted Eve with as he offered her the apple, but it's also something it seems I'm constantly hearing myself. Folks don't say it specifically - but it's implied when you suggest someone reconsider doing what God told you to do. "Did God really say?"
I went to Bible study Wednesday night and ended up in a great conversation with a missionary who, also, expressed her concerns for my children and we prayed together that God would make His way clear and "shut doors that I can't open, and open doors that I can't shut" so I follow where ever He wants.
And perhaps, I'm entirely wrong and India isn't what God is telling me to do.
But the next morning I woke up feeling calmer about the separation (I generally have a curl-into-a-fetal-position-crying mindset just thinking about leaving my girls) and then I got to have breakfast with my 3 yr old.

Conversations with a 3 yr old are always interesting, and this one was no exception. But at the end I was halfway through my story when I realized the words I was saying:

"Michaela, you need to cover your mouth when you cough, otherwise your sickie germies can get on things and make Aunt Gigi, or Dubba, or Davie or Angel sick."
"But I can cough on my toys?"
"No, you shouldn't cough on your toys either, because then Aunt Gigi might pick it up and touch your germies and get sick. Mommy would have to wash it"
"In the washing machine?"
"No, the toys are hard they would break the machine. you can only wash soft things in the washing machine, not hard toys. Your pajamas are soft, so they could go in there, but not your cup, or bowl because they are hard."
"Could I put a piggy in the washing machine?"
"A piggy needs to breathe air, and in the washing machine a piggy would drown in the water"
(We go through various animals and their need for air)
"A fish would be the only animal that might not die in the washing machine because they can breathe water, they live in the water." I remind her of Marlin and Dori from "Finding Nemo" and how they live in the water.
She begins to tell me about how they might get eaten by a shark and how scary that would be.
So I tell her the story of Jonah and the whale. A man who got eaten by a huuuuuuge fish.
She's sitting at the table eating her Cheerio's while I"m running back and forth the kitchen showing how Jonah didn't want to go where God told him so he ran the other direction, then I'm vividly trying to describe the waves tossing the boat around and Jonah telling them to throw him overboard..
"BUT THEN HE MIGHT GET EATEN BY A SHARK!" interjects Michaela
I'm telling her how right she is and describing his prayer in the belly of the fish when suddenly the words I'm saying hit me "Please Lord, get me out of this fish and I will go where you wanted me to go".
Talking with the missionary the night before I had mentioned how much safer I feel within the will of God. Regardless of what He might ask of me I feel confident of provision and His keeping, that things are going according to His best plan if I simply do as He asks. I said if I go other directions I don't have that confidence, and as a single mom feeling confident of His blessing and being in step with His will gives me a great feeling of security. She stressed to me that of course, God's love for me as a child doesn't change if I do something wrong, just as my love for my children doesn't change.
I didn't have a good answer for that last night, except that yes, God would still love me. But it's safer in His will than out of it.
It wasn't until I was telling a story of a man getting thrown overboard because God sent a storm to stop him from going the wrong direction that I realized what I wish I had remembered last night.
A prime example of how going the opposite direction God is pointing is a bad idea.
There's love regardless, but a certain amount of safety being in His will rather than out of it.

That said, I don't want to go to India.
I want to live a powerful life for Christ, own furniture, maybe get a puppy,and cook American pancakes on Saturday mornings for breakfast in my American little house, with my girls getting American education and learning about the wonders of Amusement parks and funnel cakes. But if I do that now, without having gone to India...I don't feel that same security of "everythings gonna be okay".
I don't know what the future holds. But I know that regardless of how much I like the timing, how necessary the money is that He may want me to give away, or how I don't have money to pay for some teen mothers hospital bills so that they don't abort their kid - If God is calling me to do it I need to do it and trust that the owner of the cattle on a thousand hills will be able to provide.

Meanwhile I also need to trust that He'll also comfort two little girls who I've been told will feel abandoned. That they'll forgive me for not considering them "enough of a ministry" and that He'll help them understand that they are not my "first priority". And that somehow, some day, these two kiddos that I'm gonna miss like all get out will want to be like my Jesus too. Despite me.

The coin worth $5000

2014-11-20T17:52:00.001-06:00

Today was one of those extra special days at work. Boss man is giving out task after task he wants done and then regularly interrupting the task giving to ask if you've completed any of the 8 tasks he'd given you 5 minutes prior. During all that, I foolishly mentioned the storage room and how during his upcoming 6 week absence it would be a good project to go through the boxes, scan the necessary items and discard the non-essential items.

This didn't go well.

He then decided to test my abilities of determining what HE would classify as "unessential". Obviously my simplistic point of view isn't going to mesh with his pack rat point of view. But once the train wreck is started, it won't stop till it's completely done...So page after page he pulls out and explains why this form or that form that's over 18 months old could provide value. How does it provide value you might ask? It makes him think about something that he could be doing that relates to this form. So we must keep the form that is no longer even able to be used (since all of the forms have long since been updated) so that it can perform the extra special task of making him think of something.

As he complained about my not seeing value in things, he mentioned I had this trait in common with his wife. He grumbled some about how his wife has a change jar and periodically takes it in and coverts it to cash. This genuinely bothers him. Why?
Because when you just dump them all together like that, you miss the fact that there could be a coin in there worth $5000. But, alas, you'll never know now.

I was overwhelmed when I left. Too much to do, and so many interruptions that you can't even begin completing anything before more work is given. Overwhelming.

But the minute I classified what I was feeling as "overwhelmed", I thought of the song by Big Daddy Weave "Overwhelmed" (video included in case you haven't seen it). The point of the song is simply how when the writer thinks of God and the amazing attributes of God, he's overwhelmed.

It was helpful for me to remember that song because I couldn't help but imagine that as stressful as it is to be overwhelmed by work, it is even more so exactly the opposite to be overwhelmed by how amazing God is. I began praying "God, please remind me of all the things about you that I'm just too busy to think about." And I began thinking of all the expressive things that David wrote about the vastness of God's goodness, mercy, power and love.

Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men! PS 31:19
But I will sing of thy power; yea, I will sing aloud of thy mercy in the morning: for thou hast been my defense and refuge in the day of my trouble. PS 59:16
I have called upon thee, for thou wilt hear me, O God: incline thine ear unto me, and hear my speech. Shew thy marvellous lovingkindness, O thou that savest by thy right hand them which put their trust in thee from those that rise up against them. Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings, PS 17:6-8

See what I mean? My head feels better just reading those verses aloud. I want to be overwhelmed again. I remember, vividly singing a song called "When I think about the Lord"
It says simply this:
When I think about the Lord
How He saved me
How He raised me
How He filled me with the Holy Ghost
How He healed me to the uttermost
When I think about the Lord
How He picked me up and turned me around
And He placed my feet
On solid ground.
It makes me wanna SHOUT!
Hallelujah!
Thank you Jesus!
Lord You're worthy
Of all the glory
And all the honor
And all the praise.
It makes me wanna SHOUT!

There's something mundane and seemingly pointless to digging through a great pile of coins and hoping to find a valuable one. But unlike a pile of coins with only the remote possibility of a valuable one being in the mix, when you meditate on the works of God you always find that prize, that treasure. Every thought, every memory is that $5000 coin. And when you meditate on God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit and consider the changes He's made in your life...that is when you become overwhelmed. That's when you go from simply feeling thankful for all Jesus has done to feeling overwhelmed and suddenly you want to shout, and dance as David did. You aren't just "thankful". You're overwhelmed and rich.

And that's a pretty great way to end a stressful day.

Hope you enjoy the song.

Giving your life away.

2014-11-17T18:29:00.000-06:00

I've been considering something brought on, in part, by Veterans Day. It was a thought regarding our military men and women "giving their life away". They go where the government tells them to go, they train in whatever fashion the government chooses to tell them they must train, then they are required to do whatever the government tells them to do. If the government says sit here for 5 hours in the freezing cold and watch this building, sure 'nuff somebody's gonna catch a cold. No if, and's or but's. You do as your told. And you might die. There's no guarantees.

And I began thinking about how very much I want to give my life to God. Please Lord, send me, tell me, teach me, make me do whatever. I am fearful sometimes with having been to India recently, returning to India next month, and my further searches into Indonesia and living in other countries that I am following my own will more than God's. Not that I have a great desire to live in those countries, especially with small children(!) but I am desperate to win a soul for Christ. To do something for Him. And the idea of living in suburbia, sending my kids to a good Christian school and working 8-5 is incredibly frightening to me. We're rewarded according to our works. I've always wanted to be an over-achiever and right now it feels like I'm in the bottom of the class. My prayer for the last few years has been pretty constant, "Make ME a blessing to YOU Lord".

I'm praying for leading. I'm praying for open doors and a heart that is bold to witness. I'm praying to be a good mother. I'm praying to be entrusted with more children that NEED a home. I'm praying that God will help me raise up my girls as servants. I pray God will burn away more of myself so that a true servants heart remains. God help us. God help those who haven't heard the gospel and surrendered. God help those who claim to know the Gospel yet deny the Jesus clearly shown in the Bible and build their own false Christ who accepts and tolerates sin. God help those who simply walk away because they see a lukewarm church of mediocrity. God help us. And send a fire of revival in our hearts. And let it begin in me.

My advice on how to live the dream

2014-08-27T19:29:00.001-05:00

I pass it every single day. A beautiful brick home for rent in the loveliest city/town I've ever had the joy of living in. It's 2 bedrooms plus a large playroom (or guest room) area, a basement, a large yard that already has a toy in it. To top it all off the garage out back has a line of vibrantly colored flowers growing alongside it. It's in my very low price range, less than 2 miles from my brothers home, and it's ... well, it's perfect.

100% perfect.

I'm in Pennsylvania right now. Amish country. The land where you constantly swerve around slow moving horse and buggies while you drive down the road. The Amish are everywhere. And I've begun to notice something about the horses.

They all have blinders on.

Blinders keep the horse from seeing to the sides, from being distracted or startled by traffic, especially on busy roads.

And every day as I pass this beautiful brick house I tell God that He really needs to give me blinders on my heart. Because as perfect as this 100% perfect house is, it's also 110% wrong for me. It's not where I'm supposed to be. God is leading me back to India and then back to South Texas, away from my family here and yet still too far away from my family in the North part of Texas. It's ridiculous, and something no single mom ought to do. But that's what God is directing me to do.

And I drive by that beautiful house...

My heart imagines staying here. Being close to family. Not giving up yet another job. Not moving again. Not going back to India again. Just.. you know.. doing something outrageous like being a normal human being for a change.

But with a thankful heart I know I wouldn't trade following God in the peculiar ways He'd have me go. I certainly wouldn't trade it for being normal.

God is good. I don't know how the things He's calling me toward will work out, but I'm willing to throw out every ounce of stability that I have based on the fact that God's still faithful. He hasn't failed me in the past. He won't fail now.

Following God... that's the dream. I don't know where it will lead, but I know that any dream I have would pale in comparison to the ones God may have in store for me. So my dream is a blank canvas of "I dream of following God. And being led into His perfect will for mine and my children's lives."

So to the girl who stares at that little brick house every day I say this:

Jeanette, you see through a glass dimly. Comfort your heart with the knowledge that God sees clearly the desires of your heart and can fulfill them more vibrantly, more outrageously, more beyond-your-dreams than you would. So be patient. He's already given you 2 little girls you didn't expect. And more memories and travel miles than a small town country girl from Whitesboro, Tx has any right to hope for. Be patient. Really. Be patient - because you know it's gonna be amazing.

YOU CAN BE FREE FROM SIN.

2014-04-06T15:21:00.000-05:00

Reading this morning from Philippians 1 and I hit this verse (27) and I just had to keep reading it over and over.
Only let your conversation be as it becometh the gospel of Christ: that whether I come and see you, or else be absent, I may hear of your affairs, that ye stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel;

The words that stuck out to me were "your conversation" and "I may hear of your affairs".

It's fascinating watching the trends on Facebook. But watching my own trends, I see easily that the affairs I choose to tell the world are only my good ones. But if someone else had the responsibility of reporting on me, I wonder what their report would look like.

I don't want to come across as a Christian that has it all together, one that is holy and perfect and obviously doesn't struggle with the same things you struggle with. Yet, rarely will you see the post that shows "Hey, I'm messing it all up today, and I'm choosing to do it because for the moment it seems more fun than bowing my will to God's."

Let me tell you, there's many a minute, hour, day, and upon occasion weeks that go by where it just seems like I just try and shut my eyes to God and hope that I'll pick Him back up again after I'm done doing what I really want to do. Only to find myself at the end looking around at no peace, no joy, fussy kids, anger building up inside me, and frustrated with myself that I've done it again.

The Christian life isn't usually perfect.

But here's the kicker - it could be.

There isn't a single sin or temptation that's going to come your way that you don't have the power of God to overcome, to run away from, to stop in it's tracks. It's almost a given that you will let sin in, but never confuse the fact that you do with the promise that you didn't have to.

Before you were saved? Yes. You had to.
After you are bought with a price, purchased by the redeeming blood of Jesus Christ? Nope. You have power to overcome.
Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin.

For he that is dead is freed from sin.

Romans 6:6,7

WE ARE FREE! These days of frustration and no peace are of our own making - In CHRIST we are free from sin. We are dead, crucified with Christ, that we, from here on, should not serve sin.

Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God. Romans 6:13

Does a trumpet sound like a piano? NO! Neither should an instrument of righteousness be sounding out unrighteousness! BE what you are! And glory to God, that is free from sin!

But God be thanked, that ye were the servants of sin, but ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you.

Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness.

I speak after the manner of men because of the infirmity of your flesh: for as ye have yielded your members servants to uncleanness and to iniquity unto iniquity; even so now yield your members servants to righteousness unto holiness.

For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness.

What fruit had ye then in those things whereof ye are now ashamed? for the end of those things is death.

But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life.

For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:17 - end

Oh my goodness!

I praise God that my visa was held back. I praise the God of all wisdom and knowledge and power, that is continuing a work in and through me, that He knew I needed one more blow to pull down some walls of pride.

As this day has progressed I've only become more and more free and happy and joyful.

You see, before my visa was held back, I've been fighting, hard, trying to get everything done and honestly I had begun getting frustrated with God. It seemed like I couldn't catch a break. Everything just had to be so hard!

But last night I came to a point where I just ground to a halt. I stopped. And I said "God, there is sin in my camp. Just like the Israelites saw defeat when there was sin in their camp, I think that's what is happening in my camp." and I went on and repented, and very humbly asked God to straighten me back out. And friends, the difference today has seen has been wonderful.

Where I'd slowly strayed from reading my Bible as I should, in the last day and a half there's been a hunger and desire that had been missing. Oh friends... oh Friends.

KNOW my Savior. His name is Jesus Christ. He has freed me from sin, brought me back into a good relationship with Him. He IS it.. IT.. whatever your IT is. He's what you need. He'll change you.

And face it, you know you want to change. You know things have happened in your life you didn't like. You know you've walked paths you shouldn't have. You know, deep in your heart, that even in your happiest days, the happiness just wasn't quiiiite complete.

He's it. He will free you from sin, and bring you into HIS family, as His son, His daughter. He bore your sin on Calvary, It's finished. Repent and be saved. SAVED. Let my Jesus show you just how lost you are on your own path. He is mighty, willing, ready, and more than able to save.

Are you a Christian? Will you share your testimony here of how God saved you?

Are you not a Christian? Or do you believe you are a Christian but don't seem to know the joy or peace that I'm expressing here? Would you like to know more about this wonderful God I serve? Will you contact me? Please?

I remember when my van rolled away.

2014-04-05T18:12:00.001-05:00

But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering, for he that wavers is like a wave of the sea, driven with the wind and tossed. James 1:6

Based off the old hymn "I remember when my burdens rolled away"
I remember when my van rolled away.
I had driven it a year, night and day.
Then I sought the blessed Lord,
And I took Him at His word
And now my old van has rolled away.

I had to remind myself of that verse today. I was cleaning my car, vacuuming it, pulling out all the random food bits the kids had knocked under seats, the stray pen, that toothpick that rolled under the drivers gas pedal, all that fun stuff. I was cleaning it because later this afternoon someone was coming to take it. They were taking my vehicle.

As of now, I no longer own a car.

I don't know about you, but that idea is pretty big to me. I got a great deal on this car. It was a great car. It was a minivan. And now I'm selling it all in the name of going to India. You didn't see it, but even in that last sentence I had to stop my fingers from writing "in the hope of going to India".

But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering, for he that wavers is like a wave of the sea, driven with the wind and tossed.

As I cleaned it, I felt the ping, that nudge saying "you don't have a visa yet, what if they ..."

But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering, for he that wavers is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.

Sometimes you honestly just have to stop thoughts, dead in their tracks.

Which is what I had to do this afternoon.

Even as I type this, there are a ton of doubts and worries that want to come up. But the easiest way to silence them is to consider what I actually know.

I know, beyond a doubt, that God made clear that India was next.
I know, beyond a doubt, that God gave us our specific destination in India (Atmakur).
I know, beyond a doubt, that God gave us our contact in India (John Pradeep)
I've given up everything to follow that calling. I can trust that God can see through His part. God isn't stymied by Indian Visa Consulates.

Some days this journey feels so unbelievable that it can't be real. It's really hard sometimes. But God has helped. He's made it possible for us to still be on the schedule we believe He put us on. We believe our departure date is His departure date.

The bulk of my stuff is sold, I have no job, I have no car, What I do have are two beautiful daughters, passports and God's directions. My God is able to do the rest.

And that said... I'm a bit more excited now that my van just drove away.
Nothing wavering.
25 days to India.

Where have you been all my life?

2014-03-13T20:33:00.000-05:00

Okay, not all my life, but the last few months certainly.

Would you believe the answer is as simple as me getting a new laptop that has a very poor working keyboard? Several letters always missing, I, who pride myself on typing as fast as I can think (sometimes faster since I tend to be a bit slow in the head on certain topics), found it infuriatingly tedious to try and type anything on that keyboard.
So... I didn't type that much.

As a birthday present for myself this year I went out and bought a keyboard that connects to my laptop so I can sit here and happily type away on a normal keyboard. Ahhhhh I'm typing again. I'm doing my own version of "talking" again. It's sweet sweet relief.

Especially sweet since I will quickly catch you up on all the things I didn't say because my daughters new name has a "p" in it and old keyboard often stuttered on 'p's"

January 23rd (1/23/14)

My foster daughter, New Kid, officially became MINE. M. I. N. E.

She is now Sophia Nicole.
And she is awesome.
Mine.
Awesome.
Daughter.
Awesome.
I have two of them now.

Let me tell you, it's pretty stinking hard - that's right, I'll say it, even though the recent facebook article circulating says I shouldn't - but I will also say that it is even more aromatically wonderful.

We're 44 days away (Lord willing) from boarding a plane with a one-way ticket to India. Almost there.
Currently selling everything I own, and I'll tell you - that's not a piece of cake either. If you know anyone that would like a fantastic German piano, call me huh?

I also turned 33. The number of completion (just one step under the "7" as far as significance goes). I've got high hopes for such a biblically significant age. Surely this will be the year I get it right, right? Right.

If you've read the blog long you know I love music, and especially focus in on lyrics. So.. for year 33 I thought I'd have an "anthem" song. It's "Completely Yours" by David Phelps.

Lyrics:
I brought to you my heart
Stained by the guilt of sin
You took this broken life
And made it whole again
Then your spirit came
And all my hope renewed
And I fell at your feet
And there I promised you

That I'm completely yours
The rest of all my days
And this eternal debt
Can never be repaid
So I give to you my all
Though it may seem small
You are all I need
And I will always be
Completely yours

Like David long ago
Whose heart was after you
This is my one desire
As daily I pursue
To know you more and more
Till I'm completely changed
May the life I live
Bring honor to your name

For I'm completely yours
The rest of all my days
And this eternal debt
Can never be repaid
So I give to you my all
Though it may seem small
You are all I need
And I will always be,

Completely yours
For the rest of my days
And this eternal debt
Can never, never be repaid
So I give to you my all
Though it may seem small
You are all I need
And I will always be
Completely yours

How to win souls and convert sinners.

2013-12-02T23:59:00.002-06:00

I watched a sermon tonight that led me to a scripture, which led me to think of another scripture and when I looked up that scripture... wow. Just wow.

Okay, this will. not. work. as. well. unless you read the following verses out loud and with an utterly sincere tone, perhaps even desperate tone, to your voice But man, the fire it burns in me when I do.. here we go - READ OUT LOUD:

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy loving-kindness: according to the multitude of thy compassions put away mine iniquities. Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from mine sin. For I know mine iniquities, and my sin is ever before me. Against thee, against thee only have I sinned, and done evil in thy sight, that thou will be just when thou speak, and pure when thou judge. Behold, I was born in iniquity, and in sin hath my mother conceived me. Behold, thou lovest truth in the inward affections: therefore hast thou taught me wisdom in the secret of mine heart.Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me to hear joy and gladness, that the bones, which thou hast broken, may rejoice. Hide thy face from my sins, and put away all mine iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence, and take not thine holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of thy salvation, and establish me with thy free Spirit. - Psalms 51:1-12

You cannot read these verses with a tone of boredom. You cannot read these verses and be unaffected. You cannot read these verses without gaining fresh respect for the holiness and righteousness and goodness of God.

You cannot read these verses without knowing that David, the person who wrote them, was desperately seeking after God.

I cannot read them tonight without that desperate tone in my voice, Oh God, purge me with hyssop and I shall be clean! Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow!

I cannot change myself, I cannot clean myself, I have an absolute need for a Savior, a Redeemer who alone can make me clean.

But this chapter gets even better. It does not stop there with his plea, but the very next verse has a promise. It says this:

Then shall I teach thy ways unto the wicked, and sinners shall be converted unto thee. Psalms 51:13

Everyone understands what "then" signifies. It holds a promise, IF this happens THEN this will.

How often have I prayed to be able to win souls to the Lord? Here is a promise, If we pray Psalms 51, verses 1-12, and God answers to cleanse us from sin - then verse 13 will happen. Then I will teach Gods ways to the wicked and sinners will be converted to God.

If you feel you are not winning souls to God, if you are not teaching Gods ways to the wicked - get down on your knees and pray Psalms 51:1-12.

If it is in the Bible, it IS a strong promise. Before we can win others to God - first we ourselves must be clean. It isn't optional. Go to your Redeemer, be washed and clean, and then with the fresh joy in your salvation that God gives, you will be a fisher of men.

It is a promise.

Slapping God on the back with a "Hey Buddy!"

2013-11-29T11:31:00.001-06:00

I saw a quote recently, that looked something like my that. It said that the culture of the world today was such that there was so little reverence of the holiness of God that many today would feel comfortable slapping God on the back and greeting Him with a "hey buddy!"

That, along with a recent discussion on the Sabbath, and how God made it a set apart day that was to be holy, made me wonder about how much reverence I have for God.

I haven't come up with any answers, because the only thing that I can think of was even if I am doing many many things to reverence God - the fact still remains, I'm not doing enough.

And it's not that I'm not doing enough because I don't reverence Him or feel that it's okay to be flippant. Instead, it's that I can do everything I can think of, and still not be doing enough.

He is a Holy, Righteous, God. He's so holy that... here, Revelation 4 describes some of the goings-on of Heaven as this:

And the four beasts had each one of them six wings about him, and they were full of eyes within, and they ceased not day nor night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, Which was, and which is, and which is to come.

And when those beasts gave glory, and honor, and thanks to him that sat on the throne, which liveth forever and ever,

The four and twenty Elders fell down before him that sat on the throne, and worshipped him that liveth for evermore, and cast their crowns before the throne, saying,

Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory, and honor, and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy will’s sake they are, and have been created.

That is something beyond what we'd think is necessary today. But the Angels of the Lord can see Him as He truly is - they can see the Holiness and Glory of God in a way that we can. If we even saw the full glory of the Lord our physical bodies would die, because it was simply too much for them.

I don't even know anyone whose "glory" could make me break out in a sweat. Much less kill me. But the glory of God is so great, so powerful and amazing, our physical bodies can't handle seeing it.

Yet, just like that I said earlier, there are those who feel they can simply go to God with a "hey buddy". He is a friend, just like the Bible says, a great friend that sticks closer than a brother, but in that we should never forget His holiness. God is not like us. He loves us, but He's not like us.And when we come before God, when we talk about holy things, we should always remember that we are talking about a God whose mere sight could kill us.

I think we want to be friends with God. We want to assume He is like us simply because we don't know how to respond to someone who is not like us. And I also see that part of the reason I don't reverence Him with the same reverence of the Angels is because I don't see Him. I don't see that glory. It's not impressed on my heart with the same fire that the Angels can see it.

So my only solution, since I want to reverence God even more than I already do, is that I am praying that God will show me more of His holiness, more of His glory. I want to see as much of God as I can and not die. I always pray for more of God in my life, but very specifically I am going to start praying to see the Holiness of my God. For a revealing that I've never had before.

In my last post about the supernatural God - I think the reason we don't see supernatural things is because we aren't asking for supernatural things and expecting them to happen. And we certainly aren't putting ourselves in a position where we need a supernatural action.

If you want a supernatural God you need to ask Him for supernatural things.

If you want a Holy God, you need to treat Him as though He is holy, and ask Him to help you see His holiness.

Only God can show me who He is. I can't sneak around a corner and catch Him by surprise. But I can spend my every day, my every prayer, reminding Him that His child wants to see Him.

He will not fail me.

Did I dream that? -- The God of the supernatural

2013-11-25T10:31:00.000-06:00

This is a piece of a conversation I recently had with my brother in India. It's mid-conversation so my first sentence doesn't make much sense out of context, but keep reading:

Readers guide:

emiti = "What"

yela = "How"

dhanyavadalu = "Thank you"

Jeanette Poteet

OK, I have so many dreams now that it is hard to know what is reality.

about 2 nights ago, you came to me in a dream telling me you had discovered a very sickly baby and it's brother or sister.

I woke up wanting to ask you about it and I had to remind myself many times it was only a dream.

I even saw emails in my dream, where you emailed me the children's pictures.
5:02pm

Parimi John Pradeep

wow glory to God
5:03pm

Jeanette Poteet

It was only a dream...
5:03pm

Parimi John Pradeep

but you can see them
5:03pm

Jeanette Poteet

If you had actually discovered a child like that and not told me, that would be miraculous.

This is just made up things it seems.
5:04pm

Parimi John Pradeep

yes, there is a child

but i never told about him
5:04pm

Jeanette Poteet

emiti?
5:04pm

Parimi John Pradeep

and i do not know what is his sickness

he is 4 years old
5:05pm

Jeanette Poteet

does he have a brother or sister?
5:05pm

Parimi John Pradeep

yes

a sister
5:06pm

Jeanette Poteet

yela old?
5:06pm

Parimi John Pradeep

both of them have no parents

4 and 6
5:06pm

Jeanette Poteet

Where are they then?
5:07pm

Parimi John Pradeep

i think her father was died and mother was somewhere working, she is not with children now

i did not know much about them, but i just heard from one of our pastors
5:09pm

Jeanette Poteet

Interesting. So there really are two children..
5:09pm

Parimi John Pradeep

when you are telling me about your dream, i am remembering this
5:10pm

Jeanette Poteet

When you talk to that pastor again, can you find out how they are being cared for?

Is it possible to place them in the children's home?

(if no family is willing to care for them)
5:10pm

Parimi John Pradeep

sister, i will see
5:11pm

Jeanette Poteet

dhanyavadalu

Thankful for the anti-blessings

2013-11-16T20:49:00.000-06:00

I've watched my facebook blow up this month with so many friends, or I guess I should go ahead and add the quotation marks "friends" (because everyone knows no one can have 231 actual friends :) ) anyway, all of those friends are posting every day in November what they are thankful for.

Completely unconnected, I saw someone else mention how their daughter had won an award, and they mentioned "we are blessed".

The two things came together in my mind and I'll admit that I'm likely going to write the next paragraphs with tears rolling down my cheeks.

Tonight, I'm thankful that my beautiful/wonderful/priceless Bella (a foster child that I had a great honor to love for a short time) is no longer with me. If she were with me still, there is a good chance I would have made different decisions, rather than following this crazy path God has allowed me to travel. I'm thankful for the week of absolute torture she and I went through together. I learned more about Gods love and mercy during that week than at any other time in my life I believe.

Tonight, I'm thankful for years, horrific year after year after year of debt. If it weren't for those years, I wouldn't have had the pleasure of witnessing Gods miracle of getting me out. That miracle was part of the confirmation I asked of God so I would know that He really was asking me to adopt Precious.

Tonight, I'm thankful for a courtship that didn't work out. I am completely confident that walking away was God's will for me.

There are more, oh there were more. Just living life for a few years as an adult would leave no doubt of that. But these three are the top, largest most unique failures in my list.

Some of my best blessings in life are the things that didn't work out. The ones that left me in tears, and aching in ways I sometimes didn't think I could breathe through. But like I quoted recently, "I would choose no other life, than the life I have had." (C.S. Lewis - The Last Battle).

There were many roads, some beautiful and promising and full of hope. But they weren't my road. At least, not the road God has chosen for me. The other roads wouldn't have been bad. They just wouldn't have been God's.

If there is one prayer that I hope God will always answer, it's that He will protect me from myself. From the bad decisions, and even the seemingly good ones. And that even the bad decisions He will use to teach me of His faithfulness.

How failure is my biggest success...

2013-11-14T22:53:00.001-06:00

In a lot of things, I love failure. Oh, not in the big things like parenting, or loving others, but in simple things, day to day things, I've learned to love failure.

In my failures I've found God to be strong.
In my failures I've found the joy of figuring out the important from the unimportant.
In my failures I've figured out what God has talented me for, and what He hasn't.
In my failures I've learned to try, even though I might fail.
In my failures I've learned that failing isn't the end of the world.
In my failures I've come to see that God isn't affected by my failures.
In my failures I've come to see how God loves me, period, failures and all.
In my failures I've seen, (hindsight being 20/20), how I stepped into directions God didn't want me in at all.
In my failures I've seen how merciful my God can really be.

If that isn't a measure of success, I don't know what is.

I wouldn't let a 2 year old run in the street.

2013-11-13T21:46:00.001-06:00

I've never been a good Bible teacher. I'm horrible at remembering verses, or where they are found, and so often I just don't see the amazing connections that other people find in the Bible.
But here's what I can do - I see, constantly, examples of God in the mundane.
If it's my only talent, it's one I'll keep.

Some of the things I see are so special to me (and possibly only me). Yet, usually, they are utterly simple.

Tonight, I took the girls to the nursing home to visit someone. As I pull 2 yr old Precious out of the car I tell her to "Stay put" then I reach for 1 yr old New Kid. As we start walking towards the nursing home I'm adjusting New Kid in my arms when Michaela reaches out and says "gotta hold my haaaaaaaaaaaaand". She's right. I remind her (though apparently she doesn't need reminders) that anytime we're in the street or a parking lot we need to hold hands so she won't be hurt.

Suddenly, flashing through my mind come all the times I'm willing to let go of her hand, and all the times I require her to hold my hand. If I know it's a safe environment, I let her go and hope that she stays near to me so I don't have to tell her to stay near, or go searching for her.
If we're in a crowded environment, or surrounded by expensive things, or places that are obviously dangerous like the streets/parking lots I guarantee you I'll be holding her hand. I also hold her hand in unusual circumstances that I think she'll be nervous in, so she'll feel more confident.

It was in the middle of those thoughts, I wondered about how often God holds our hands. How we feel so much closer to Him in the middle of trouble (because He's holding our hand), and how we're more likely to stray from Him when things are good (because He's let go of our hand in the safe areas). And how in the safe areas, He too calls us to stay close to Him.

It was poignant to me. Just how clearly it all fit. Precious doesn't want to hold my hand in the safe areas, but those are also the times she's more likely to get into trouble. But trouble/fear is usually what drives her to my side, holding my hand.

If it weren't for valuable troubles, I wonder how fewer Christians there would be in the world.

All these thoughts simply left me wanting to be more childlike, yet as a very obedient child that likes to stay by her Fathers side.
Jesus, Hold my hand.

A month to remember

2013-11-11T23:57:00.000-06:00

I drove home tonight, from my brothers house, with my two precious girls. Their smiles, their words, their attempts to do things they're unable to do, their quick words when they're caught doing something they shouldn't - it blows my mind sometimes that I'm a mother. I did nothing typically necessary to become a mother. I simply was a single girl wanting to help children and years later I'm looking into two adorable faces and thinking "wow".

But tonight especially, bringing them home, changing diapers and putting them to bed, I couldn't help but think how things have changed in my home in the last few weeks.

I don't want to freak anyone out now, but I don't believe that you can believe in God without believing also in the devil. I think the Bible is giving a warning when it says in Ephesians 6:12 "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, and against the worldly governors, the princes of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness, which are in the high places."

It's not pleasant to imagine, and we typically don't talk about an "enemy" anymore, but I believe we have one. And very shortly after meeting our brother in India so we knew exactly where we would be going next year, it seemed like life just completely crashed. So many things were wonderfully joyful and exciting: talking to our new brother, gaining so much insight into the culture, learning the language, and simply talking with a brother, a true brother that was serving God... it was wonderful and like a breath of fresh air in a poorly polluted soul.

But...

Man... like I said, life just crashed. One of the things that happened was that my home became a very difficult place. My daughters began screaming, crying, tantrums like I'd never seen before, actual "blood curdling screams" over simple things like "go get your jacket". It was... insane. I can't even begin to tell you the number of times I said "I think they've lost their minds". I knew I was losing mine. All I could know was that I was a horrible mother, what would India think of me when I show up with these two screaming kids? How are we going to survive whatever behavior issues these are? I'm used to 2 yr old tantrums, but this was a horse of a completely different color. I'd never seen either of them, especially not my oldest, behave this way.

I'd honestly just chalked it all up to "My kids have lost their minds and I don't know what to do!!" until tonight when I realized that just as quickly as my home had gone crazy, it had been put to rights. We were back to our standard crying jags, and random bouts of poutiness (it's not a word, but it should be) and tons of smiles and obedience. And I thought about other struggles I'd faced in that month as well: within 1 months time (all within meeting our brother in India) our family structure (with not just my family but my brothers family also) had been in jeopardy on two separate occasions. We'd no sooner get over one serious issue than another would appear. Each situation was one I'd never have considered happening in my family. And that's when we realized "Hey, this is an actual attack of the devil."

I'm pretty careful with those words - I don't think every negative thing is an attack of the devil. I think being a Christian (a true Christian that teaches Gods words and not the smooth words that the world is willing to listen to without offence) is going to be rife with struggle. It's just simple fact. Or it should be anyway. But in this, I feel completely convinced that those two events were genuine attacks of an enemy.

When I realized tonight how my home was completely back to normal I couldn't help but think that the past month had been an attack as well. It made me so angry to know that my daughters had been through this horrific month of whatever emotional turmoil they'd been having in order to scream and act out like they had.

That said, I don't know why things have stopped. I don't know why we're one big happy family again with everything and our family all one happy unit. Except for the grace of God working in our lives. The power of God helping us and delivering us from an enemy who could easily crush us - except for the fact that we are children of a living and mighty God.

I believe in an enemy. But I also believe in a friend, a God, a Lord and Savior who is greater than my enemy. If I didn't have that - moving to India would be too scary, too impossible. But no, my God has proved Himself to be the God of the impossible. I'll remember this past month. But I'll remember it and know that the devil tries to stop and hurt and frustrate those that follow God. So surely, as frustrating as this last month has been - I must be on the right path.

Thankful my last opportunity wasn't my last.

2013-11-07T00:51:00.002-06:00

"How was your day today?" I asked. Mildred responded, "Well, not very good. I died today."

"You died today?"

"Yes"

I turn to look at Mildred, a very old, a very tired, a very lovely woman laying in the fetal position in her nursing home bed. "What makes you think you died today Mildred?"

"Well, I think it, because I'm dying."

3 times a week my daughters and I go to the nursing home to visit this woman with such incredible stories. She's been to all 7 continents and after her children were raised she went back to college and got her Masters degree in business and became a college professor at CSU, her stories range from her neighbors giving her a llama as a child to watching her parents dance in the living room to the radio. She also tells a story about narrowly escaping a major Colorado flood while wearing a square dancing dress and climbing up the side of a mountain for safety - but I'm pretty sure her confused mind made that one up.

For the next hour during our visit all she talked about was her death. Her wishes that people wouldn't bring flowers, her hopes that little children would come to the funeral. Most noticeable was her lack of regrets. She had nothing to say to anyone, no fears that I needed to calm. Nothing. Just a general acceptance that she was dying. Possibly she was too tired to care.

When I asked if she was ready, if she knew that her sins were forgiven, she said something I'll never forget, "I just haven't planned that far ahead."

Tonight, I think I'm more anxious than she is. Seeing her so tired, and so focused on death, I can't help but wonder if she'll be there when I go back. Does she have enough clarity, will God give her enough clarity, for that one last decision she needs to take care of. Did she make that decision long ago and she's just not able to articulate it to me now?

So many think they will wait for that last moment, but watching her and her confusion, I can't help but think how many of us outlive our own minds.The time we think we'll have, isn't guaranteed by any means - even if you don't die suddenly.

Looking back at my own life, it's easy for me to think that so many years were wasted. The years I struggled, the years I doubted God and had only the religious experience of being a person who goes to church, the years I just didn't care. I want to wonder at how different my life would be had I served God with all my heart from the very beginning.

Regrets.

But I can't change the past. And I'm not guaranteed one more second, much less one more day. So tonight, tonight is what I have. So if I really want to serve God, to find some way to bring God glory with my life, I guess I need to do it now. And every "now" for the rest of my life.

Projects and prayers

2013-11-05T23:15:00.000-06:00

There was once a time in my life when I wanted the things that I did to matter, but I didn't know how. I didn't know what to do.
I became a foster parent because I knew God was leading towards that. But it's funny how, even though everyone tells you that you're doing a wonderful thing for God, it can be such a selfish enjoyment of loving the children that it doesn't feel like it's for God at all. It wasn't enough to satisfy my longing to give God my everything, my every moment, my every day.
I adopted my girl. My Precious. Again I was told "It's a wonderful thing you're doing." But it only felt wonderful to me, I kept expecting that giving God my everything, my every day, my every moment, would somehow be more difficult.
Now some 11 years later, I'm on my 10th foster child, working on adopting her too, and about to move to India to help with a Children's home, and assist 13 pastors and their wives as they minister to at least 30 area villages.
And again, it's so exciting a thought, right now, that I can hardly imagine that this could be the challenging, fearful life of giving my Jesus everything of me. I keep waiting for it to be hard.
But each step has been the easiest decision of my life, and in every case so far - they have been the most joyful, most poignant, profound, "truly feel like I'm alive" experiences.

So today, in trying to do things that matter, the list is too long. I know things that need to be done but there is just not enough time or money to accomplish them all in one fell swoop.

Project 1 - Sending 100 Bibles in the Telugu language. I eventually want to have placed 3 separate orders for 100 Bibles, but in the interest of getting the Bibles there quickly I need to make small steps. Currently, when pastors go to a village and preach if a new believer asks for a Bible so they could read the scriptures for themselves - none is available, or sometimes only a New Testament.

Project 2 - 15 Sewing Machines. The pastors do not take a 2nd job. They do this so that they are able to daily minister to congregation(s) - often it is plural because each is usually responsible for more than one villages church since there are more villages than pastors. Their churches are NOT run like ours!!! They sometimes have 3-5 services a week, plus random "memorials" (a prayer meeting with a short sermon) if someone in the congregation wants to hold a memorial for someone on the anniversary of their death. They do many other things as well, including street preaching and hospital visitation. Since the pastors do not take a 2nd job, they live solely off the tithes that come in. In the small villages of poverty stricken India - often that means the pastors could live off as little as $80-$100 a month. The sewing machines will be for their wives to be able to sew clothes and earn a bit of extra money for their family.

Project 3 - Esther. She's a young girl living in the children's home. Loves to sing and has a beautiful heart. She is very nearly blind, with only about 20% of her vision. She needs a surgery (which we think will cost around $500). It won't fix her completely, but it will take her from nearly blind, to about 60% seeing, which, considering the hardships she will already be facing trying to live and support herself (I don't even see how she can??) in India, this is very important. So this surgery is necessary, and the sooner the better, to help her get her education and better herself as much as she can.

There are many other projects that don't have fully formed plans yet. There is land needed to be able to plant crops so that the children's home could be a bit more self-sustaining. There is a need to help the children once they've finished their basic education to hopefully move into higher education so they can move beyond the hunger and poverty they have grown up in. There is a need to provide certain village families with seeds or sheep/goats or a buffalo to help them be able to meet their most basic physical needs with a small business. There is also a need for teachers to teach the children in the children's home so they will receive a good education without trials - currently, since these children are of a low caste considered "untouchable" when they go to school they are made to sit separate from the other children and are not even allowed to drink water from the barrel the other children drink from (sound familiar to anyone out there?).

And I'm only getting started.

There are so many needs that prioritizing has become necessary. Before, I prayed to know how to spend my life, my time, my money, desiring earnestly to give them all to God. Now I have more needs than there is of myself to expend. I would feel overwhelmed, but I can only imagine that this just means God will make more of me than I imagined.

Tonight, as I posted yet another item onto Craigslist, I typed out the poem written on a blanket I was selling. The last stanza reads:

Oh Lord, I ask for guidance
In everything I do,
And pray You'll make my music
An instrument for you.
(R.K. Cecil)

It hit home tonight how God has been answering this prayer for the last several years in ways I never imagined. Events that only time could show the outcomes, leave me looking back in amazement. And while my music has slowly faded, with little opportunity to play anymore, I've changed the words
"my music" out for "my life".

I pray You'll make my life
An instrument for You.

God bless,

The story of how a debt was purchased.

2013-11-04T20:46:00.002-06:00

The story came to us on a Sunday night.

My brothers family and I all gathered around Skype and watched as Pastor John showed us the beginning of the construction of bathrooms and a kitchen for the children's home. The children's home had long since been built, but only now was there enough money to build bathrooms and the kitchen. So we watched as the children smiled at us, and some man I don't know, in a country I've never been to, dug in the ground to begin the work.

As the children smiled at us, one child was specifically introduced. His name is Prasad. He is 10 years old, thin, and his already brown hair looked dusty. His arms were hanging straight down, but crossed together in front of him as though he just couldn't help but be shy now that the camera was pointed at him. Exactly as you see him pictured again on your right. He smiled. And ohh what a smile it was. A beautiful smile with white teeth showing, and eyes that will one day melt the heart of his very blessed wife.

And Pastor John explained for him. All the children are about to go to school - except him. A year ago Prasad's mother had died. His last remaining parent. He had only his grandparents who couldn't care for him and so they sent him to live in Pastor John's children's home. They also could not afford the funeral for the mother though. So they went to a rich man in their village and took a loan.

1 year later, the rich man comes to them and they still cannot pay back the loan. So they gave Prasad to him. He lives at the children's home, but for the past 20 days, instead of going to school, he had been working for this rich man. His job? He is a buffalo shepherd.

Through my mind rolls my one time seeing a buffalo. I was in a minivan with 2 other adults and leaving our campground in South Dakota. The buffalo was rolling in the dirt next to the stop sign, giving us a fantastic view. I was well aware he had the power to decide to mess up my van, us, and anything else he got it into his head to mess up. I was awed, and a little afraid.

Yet here was this 10 yr old charming boy... an unwilling, debt-paying, buffalo shepherd.

It helps only slightly that once I googled "Indian buffalo" I found out that theirs are not as intense looking as ours, but I still wouldn't particularly want to make one angry with me.

The saddest part is the debt. This great debt that kept this boy from his education? It was 7000 rupees. Approximately $115 US Dollars.

I talked to Pastor John and ask him to make the child free.

So what does it take to make a child free?

He had to talk to the rich man, who demands an extra 1000 rupees for the loss of his help.
He had to fill out legal papers so he was essentially buying the loan, so that the grandparents are now indebted to him - this protects Prasad from being sent to work off any other debts the grandparents might decide to take on.
Then he takes pictures, beautiful pictures of a smiling face. A charming boy who looks very happy. It's been 25 days, and on Monday, Monday this child will become a child again. Not a buffalo shepherd, not someone paying his family debts, just a child. A child who needed parents to protect him.

It's been so profound thinking about this child. I've been using the word "redeem", and Pastor John used the word "deliver". But whether Prasad was redeemed or delivered, the significance doesn't change. He could do nothing to help himself. His life was not his own to live. But then he was redeemed.

He can only know that someone paid his debt for him. Someone took that debt.

Sounds like another story I've heard...

For he hath made him to be sin for us, which knew no sin, that we should be made the righteousness of God in him. 2 Corinthians 5:21

God has redeemed us. He has delivered us. He has set us free.

Prasad says "Thank you." He's the one way in the back, blue shirt, big grin.

How do you give God your life?

2013-10-24T15:08:00.001-05:00

I've heard all my life that I need to "Give God my life". And I would say "Yes, that's something I'd like to do." but how on earth do I do it?

Can I just say "God, here's my life?"

It is, in a sense, just that easy. The problem is when you say that and then you sit down to watch something Jesus wouldn't watch. Or you go participate in an activity He would hate.

Unfortunately, when we offer our lives, we seem to immediately forget the idea of "No take-backs!"

For many years I desperately wanted to be used by God. I looked into several things I thought He would like, and nothing came of them. I did other things and they succeeded, just not nearly as quickly as I would have. Other things, happened quicker than I expected and took me completely by surprise.

Overall, I vehemently objected to anything that looked like "doing nothing".

And I made a lot of mistakes.

This past year, deciding on India has been the easiest decision I've ever had someone else make for me.

I knew I was going somewhere.. but not where.

I prayed God would show me where.

God had the words India come out of my mouth.

I prayed if India was it, He'd confirm it.

God confirmed it, but we didn't know where in India.

We started praying for an exact location in India, God gave us "Pastor John"

Who is not only going to be our exact destination, but the help we never imagined in order to make it there.

In all this time there was no rushing, not anxiety as to "what am I going to decide to do for God" just a simple "wait... God will tell me."

All I had to do was be still, be quiet, and listen.

I play the piano with my 2 1/2 yr old Precious. She sticks out her pointy finger and I cover her hand and finger with my own, and we play a song together. It never starts out easily. She's always too excited to be playing. She yanks her hand from me sometimes to pound the keys, she'll keep control of her hand and while I"m trying to move it her hand is stiff because she's trying to hit another note instead of moving on, sometimes she just wants to use her whole hand instead of the one finger I'm intending to control.

It usually takes a couple of attempts before she finally settles down from the excitement that has her yanking around, and allows me to simply "have" her hand and her finger. And we play. That's when her sweet voice almost always announces "I'm playing a song mommy!"

She doesn't say that while we struggle. Even though we're hitting notes and mangling our way through a song... she doesn't ever say "I'm playing a song" until she's given over her hand. Not until the melody becomes sweeter as she allows me to play through her tiny little finger.

I learn so much from watching my children. God is not like me. His love is different, His thoughts are different, His ways are MUCH different. But I still think I get a glimpse of Him, and of how to be a good child of God, by watching my daughters.

I recorded the following video several days ago, almost immediately thinking about how to write this post. It wasn't until a bit later that I realized the significance of the specific song that we ended up playing.

You want to give your life to Jesus? Say the words "All to Jesus I surrender. All to Him I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him; In His presence daily live."

And mean it.

But be aware, that "all" means, well, it means ALL: Children, family, time, energy, love, hopes, dreams, hobbies, money, pride, peoples good opinions, and so much more.

But when you let go, and you simply rest in His presence, confident that He will open the door to the next destination, decision, direction that He wants you in and that all you'll have to do is listen to Him in order to find it? Let me tell you friends, it's a pretty sweet spot to be in. And you find that the important things you put 2nd to God, only get better, richer, sweeter, happier. And you'll also find that the unimportant things tend to just fade away. And life becomes more full and wonderful than ever before.

Surely I should be more miserable.

2013-10-23T22:38:00.001-05:00

188 days till I move to India and life changes dramatically.

I'm giving up my house. It has a backyard, paid water, and low rent for the neighborhood and quality of house.
I'm giving up my BBQ grill, my piano (again!) the couch God gave me 12 years ago and my big fluffy brown chair.
I'm giving up my pictures on the wall, the few pieces of art I've really enjoyed through the years, the poster I designed that a friend I worked with 2 years ago had HER friend make for me out of sermon notes.
I'm giving up the picture of the man standing in the rain with the words "HOPE CAN SET YOU FREE". I've had that picture over 15 years, and small children ripped the bottom of it so I had to cut the letters out and glue them to make the picture what it looks like today. I'm not artistic, so this picture always makes me proud I can do something and not have it turn out looking like a pre-school project. I also like that it makes me see hope every time I look at it.

I'm giving up my country. America. Where I can hop into my minivan (that I'm also giving up) and buy a hamburger anytime I want, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I'm giving up knowing the language and culture around me. I'm giving up knowing what's expected of me and how to not offend people. I'm giving up knowing what is good manners and what is bad manners. I'm giving up the freezer aisle at Wal-mart.

I'm giving up my city that sprays for mosquitoes.

And I could be wrong, but I'm pretty well sure I'm giving up warm, buttery, yeast rolls.

And a few people have told me how hard it will be, that I don't know what I'm doing, that I'm not doing right by my children because of this, or that I'm such a good person for being willing to go. I've been told I shouldn't be going without the backing of an organization, and that odds say I will fail at what I attempt without the training an organization would have required.

The odds are even good that I won't be able to afford the plane ticket home if I did fail.

It seems like the situation couldn't get more dire.

Except...

It's not.

It's not dire at all.

It's so far the opposite of dire that I could fill the next 2 paragraphs with different adjectives describing how "undire" it truly is. And yes, I know undire is not a word.
Boundlessly wonderful - those are real words. It's boundlessly wonderful.

The things I'm walking away from are so small compared to the joy that is waiting for me. A family, a family of Christians. A family of Christians that LOVE each other like no one I know loves people. They actually are concerned if you're unhappy. Whether happy, sad, sick or healthy - when they ask "Yela Vunnaru?" (How are you?) They actually want to know the answer.

I have the profound honor and joy to be asked by God to go somewhere. I'm so excited at the people, the children, the culture, the joy...

A cause.
A purpose.
Used for Christ.
Sheesh, I might even be living in a palace. (The house our friend in India has found that he is wanting us to take is... beyond our imagination.)

I'm breathless. When I stop and think about the future, it takes my breath, my eyes fill with tears, and I wonder how it's possible to be so very happy. Our countdown is at 189 days right now. 189 days till we go. It seems so long.

I am so thankful to live this life. To be able to walk THIS walk. I've written in this blog for many years now, and many many changes have come since the start. But when I started this blog, I never imagined what God could have in store.

It reminds me strongly of a song we used to sing in church that says "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has known what God has in store."

I feel like I must be living someone elses life. This is too good. I know the person I once was. Goodness, I know the person I am now. No way am I good enough, smart enough, loving enough, Christian enough to have God send me to these wonderful people. Me Lord? Surely God is only proving His loving kindness and mercies.

Which brings me to the title of this article - I'm not miserable enough. I thought when I gave God my whole life, and He sent me off to some foreign place... surely I'm supposed to be sad, distraught, challenged, fearful, worried. Surely, I like Jonah, am supposed to run in the other direction. It seems I would feel more "Christian" if I didn't want to go but did so as a great "sacrifice" for my King. I feel utterly selfish and as though I am tricking people by doing something they think is so...hard... when I'm so utterly happy about it. So over my heels with happiness, and joy, and as a enthralled child being told that her Father wants her to go to Disneyland.

If this is giving your life to Christ - by goodness - every single person I know that has not done this is an idiot. Give it to Him. Give Him your every day, every moment, your rest of your life, your school plans, your dreams, your hobbies, your bedroom furniture. Whatever it is.. give it. He takes it, makes something mind-blowingly wonderful and leaves you astounded.

At least that's what He did for me.
I am so thankful for Jesus.

My daughter loves me.

2013-10-18T19:57:00.000-05:00

Precious is two years old now. She is... a bundle of personality, and hair, and a vocabulary that sometimes leaves me wondering what on earth she might say next.

She's also in that little section of life that some mothers might call the "terrible two's". I'm trying to not use that word around here much.

But.. um.. wow... she's...possibly losing her mind.

I love her dearly, and wish I could figure out what all is going through her head when she looks me dead in the eye and begins screaming bloody murder because I asked her to take off her shoes, or sit down, or go to the car.

I've tried every cure I know. I've time-outed, I've given her a small swat or a pinch on the leg, I've even tried ignoring it, I've also tried the screaming "YOU WILL NOT DO THAT AGAIN YOUNG LADY!!!" that I never thought I'd do. Still.. the insanity continues. Sometimes it's stubborn willfulness. Other times, there's legitimately something causing a problem for her. Sometimes it's because the light is off and she's scared of the dark, or.. of course, she's scared of the snow and doesn't want to walk to the car by herself (I didn't say the legitimate reason was rational). But sometimes there's something...

Meanwhile, I'm the crazy mom. The one who starts on with the "You're about to die" voice that tells her the behavior is inappropriate. I'm the one who puts her in timeout until she thinks she'll die in the corner. I'm the one who refused to give her another food of any sort until she finished her broccoli.

I'm also the mom she loves.

I've realized something about that.. it's not about her making a decision to trust me. It's not about her being okay with all of my choices while I stumble through this thing called "motherhood". She just loves me.While we both lose our minds.

I love her too, but I was the guaranteed love. Hers is the one I always wonder about if I've "earned" it.... but while I've failed hundreds of thousands of times in her short lifespan, I'm the one who loves her most on this earth. I'm hers. And she loves me.

So for all my failures, my love her for is what sticks. That's the part that sinks into her little skull in a way that "Don't poke your sister in the eye" doesn't. For the billion and one lessons I show her each day, the lesson she learns best is the hug in the morning, the kisses and tickles at nap time, and the countless squeezes all through the day.

Being loved is enough to change your life. To change your heart.

All that to say that tonight the words are ringing in my heart:

"Oh how I love Jesus

Oh how I love Jesus

Because He first loved me."

When God says move you move.

2013-10-12T02:50:00.000-05:00

It has been a long time since I last posted.
And there is so much to write to update this blog on what I've been doing.

It's now October 11th. I'm still as unemployed as I was the last time I wrote. Somehow, all this time, God has provided money for us - despite the fact that two different people that owe me money each month have failed to pay me. EVER. My God is so good.

But here, is the true story that I want to tell

When we moved to Colorado, I felt very confident that we were not here to stay. I didn't even entertain the idea. This was short term.
Months went by and I continuously felt the urging that we would be going to a foreign country.
The main countries that we had contacts with were Uganda, and Haiti, and I was also interested in Liberia. But for some reason, none of those ever felt right. I sat back and just waited. I knew when God was ready to tell me where to go - He would.

Then one day I was talking to myself and I heard myself say that if Jennifer (a friend I have witnessed to -a lot - didn't get saved, she wouldn't be able to go with me to India.

I stopped - what??? India?

I knew nothing of India.

A month or so later, it happened again. Out of nowhere, India came out of my mouth.
Ok God - if it's India it's India.

I'm moving to India?

But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; (1 Cor 1:27)

So on June 27th I emailed my brother. And I said, other than the countries we've been talking about, has any other country come to your mind?
Nothing had that he had recognized as a future destination.
Then, on July 7th, both our families sitting around the oblong tables of Pizza Hut, he leaned forward and said "Hey, do you know David I*****? He's been posting on Facebook that he's needing workers to come to India and help him."
My heart stopped for just a moment. Is this for real?
I explained that India, was the country I had been asking him to confirm just a week or so before.
Next, I emailed a trusted former pastor of mine. I told him my story and said "I don't know anything for sure, but please pray." The next weekend he kept trying to call and we constantly missed each other. I almost emailed him to make sure he knew that everything was ok and I was not planning on shipping off to India next week, but something kept stopping me. In my mind I kept laughing at the idea that was stuck in my mind "No.. he needs to call me because he's going to call me back and tell me that he knows someone going to India".
Then finally his call came through. I waited for the words...
Sure enough. He tells me that just a week or so ago a family friend come to his church and she spoke about her upcoming trip to India.

Next, I went to a Christian bookstore and rented a movie called "This Is Our Time". It's a movie about 4 college students graduating and searching for Gods purpose in their lives. I sat and wept as I watched 2 of the people sit down and tell their friends that God was calling them to India.
It was hard to breathe.
Could this really be true?

I'm moving to India?

And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are: (1 Corinthians 1:28)

I'm Jeanette...crazy girl... pastors daughter...someone who fails...A LOT... no way God would bother calling someone like ME to another country of all places. Right?
Wrong.

I'm moving to India.

That no flesh should glory in his presence. (1 Corinthians 1:29)

So we all started making plans. It's a big country.. where to go? So we aimed toward Chennai and started planning. All the while, I kept praying for the next step of direction. We need someone to work with. We need someone in India. We need someone to help us. I didn't want to just "go to Chennai" because I had no other idea where to go. Where Lord?

I went to a website, and I searched for people in India. I found a man who said he lived in India and loved the Lord. I sent him a message and said I was looking for someone that could answer a few questions about India and moving and the culture there.

What I got was above and beyond my wildest expectation. The man was a leader of about 20 churches, with only 10 pastors. He is the coordinator/originator of a children's home that currently has 18 children in it. He's been praying for help for many years.

He's also spent the last month teaching us the language (Telugu), he's answered hundreds of questions about the pastors, culture, customs, clothing, food, church, and so much more.
He's worked incredibly hard to help us Skype our way into participating in 2 of his pastors meetings.

Tonight, before laying my daughter into bed, I held her in my arms and rocked her. We sang our ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle, and then a children's song in Telugu. It was heart stopping to me how my life was about to change.

I'm moving to India.

But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption: (1 Corinthians 1:30)

I'm going to encourage people that need to be encouraged. I'm going to help those that need help. I'm going to love people who, from what I've seen so far, know how to love better than anyone else I've ever met. I'm giving away, selling away, discarding all of my worldly goods (Except for about 3 suitcases full) and I am going to gain something so profoundly valuable. Another family. A large family that loves God and lives out their faith in the truest sense of dying to themselves every single day.

I wish that you could hear them speak. I wish you could listen to their blessings and prayers. I wish you could know how my heart catches to know that their every celebration is filled with prayer. I wish you could know the encouragement it is to see pastors, living on so little, yet serving God with all their hearts every single day.

I'm moving to India!

That, according as it is written, He that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord.(1 Corinthians 1:31)

I offered my life to my God, and He has accepted it. I will never be the same.

What a good blueberry has to do with Jesus Christ.

2013-07-31T14:32:00.001-05:00

Years ago someone told me that this particular company had frozen blueberries that were simply delicious. I love fruit, and had somehow never tried a blueberry before so I went to the store and purchased these "best blueberries" I'd been assured of. I took them home, let them thaw for a short time and then tossed one in my mouth expecting glorious, delectable, blueberry juice from heaven.

Instead, I frowned, made a face, and decided to let it thaw some more in case that was the problem.

It wasn't.

Over the years since then, I've tried several more times. I see them in the grocery store, so expensive - which surely means they taste better than most fruit right? So gloriously blue - which surely means they're perfectly ripened, right? And so utterly good for you - which... well, that part might explain the bad taste. :)

I do still enjoy blueberry "things". Blueberry-Grape juice is terrific, and I've recently learned how to make blueberry muffins from scratch with fresh blueberries - Delicious. But, I'd rather eat my fruits in their most natural form as much as possible thank you.

But, since I can use blueberries for other things I recently found myself with nearly 5 lbs of blueberries (nothing like a good sale, and friends that think of you when they see sales too!), and I, once again, popped a "nasty" blueberry in my mouth just-to-see. Only this time I was completely surprised.

The nasty tart flavor I'd come to expect was completely replaced by a strong, bold, but sweet and very satisfying blueberry flavor. It was a strong flavor, but man...sweet and delicious. And I have to tell you, I was absolutely surprised and I said "THIS? THIS is what a blueberry should taste like?" I wish I had known all along the real flavor of a blueberry!!

And, as someone who has just recently faced some pretty bitter church experiences, my mind immediately put the two pieces together.

I've been to so many churches and walked out with that "nasty tart" taste in my mouth. Passionless churches with no joy or excitement for Christ. Crazy "show" churches with lights and blaring rock music, people jumping and bouncing but I can't hear myself think, much less hear Christ speaking to me, or even the words to the song. Churches that preach a doctrine but when anyone questions it they're persecuted, and anyone who supports the questioner are not welcome in the church either. Churches that teach you how to live your "Best life now", or how God wants to prosper you with blessings if you'll only give your money to this church. Churches that teach that you're worthy of Gods love - not that you were a sinful wretch and how great is the love of Christ. Churches that focus in on marital issues, divorce, get togethers, singles, grief, drug/alcohol recovery and teaching our kids to be friendly and color within the lines.

Every day people are walking up to those "Christians", every Sunday they are walking into those "Churches" and walking out going "Oh, so that's what Christ is like... I guess I don't like Him after all."

Instead of tasting the bold,amazing flavor, the sweetness and stain your fingers goodness of a true, fully ripened and mature "Church".
A true Christ-flavored Church is one that the experiences with it change your every single daily life. One that convicts you of sin, but also offers you the blood of Jesus Christ as supernatural power to overcome that sin instead of asking you to "fix yourself." A church that gets in your business and says "Hey, what you're doing is sin..." A church that offends you by making sure you understand that sinners do indeed go to hell, and refuses to preach your uncle so-n-so into heaven when he dies. A church that grabs a book like Jeremiah and asks it's people to search their hearts for the idolatry that has been happening in their own homes by love for children, tv, food, self, that has surpassed our love for Jesus. A church that ignores the 10% and boldly, and excitedly says "JESUS WANTS IT ALL" and surrounds you with people desperately asking God to help them give it all. A church that tells you how a life with Christ brings persecution and offense to most of your friends, but it also brings life changing joy and peace, access to the Father and a closeness with a God that is so vast and incomprehensible, yet simple enough that a child can understand and embrace.

You walk out of that church, healthier, challenged, and thinking "Wow, is that what Christ is like? Gimme some more!"

I haven't found any good churches yet, but I've still tasted enough of Jesus Christ to know that He is good. And I want some more.

I'll never look at a blueberry the same way again.

The God who gives us Sweet Peas

2013-07-01T00:03:00.000-05:00

Tonight I pulled out my "mom knows best" card. Of course, I'm just like most mothers and I'm not nearly certain I'm not traumatizing my kid, instead of doing "what's best" but I pretend I'm confident.

So as I handed my newly turned 1 yr old ONE small, round, sweet pea and she turned her up nose at me, I rolled up my sleeves. Screaming and doing her best to twist her head away from me, I managed to get that ONE small pea into her mouth. She promptly spit it right back out and, my hands dripping with spit and drool, mom and baby engaged in hand to mouth combat.

Finally, showing me with her red face how angry she was with me, the pea was down her little gullet. I, because I tend to be overly optimistic and stupid, put 5 or 6 more peas on her plate while I slowly ripped apart a piece of bread into little bites for her.

This child, who had so adamantly informed me that she DID NOT LIKE NASTY SWEET PEAS ANYMORE NO NO NO NO NO, immediately went at the peas. The peas. She happily started eating the peas. Ignored the bread. And she loves bread. But no, she wanted peas.

I knew she liked sweet peas, because she'd been eating the mashed up jar food for a while now. But she didn't seem to know the small round things I was handing her was the better version of what she'd been eating.

And after swallowing back the guilt that I was traumatizing her by not letting her just say "Mom, I don't want a sweet pea, thanks." there was something very profound to me as this little angry face became a smiley face once again and sat there happily eating her peas.

How many times has God dished something out to me that I just didn't think I wanted? How many times did I cry and pray that God would take something away from me. NO God, I don't want to move away from my family since mom's Alzheimer's is getting worse. NO God, I don't want to quit my job! NO God, I can't afford to give that kind of money away.

And yet, after He insists, here I sit with two precious babies, unemployed and deliriously happy. Eating my peas.

So many times it's easy to forget "Father". But as I continue to mush around in this role called "Momma" I see the Father at work in my own life; past and present. Watching my own happy, goofy, tearful, angry, crying, stubborn girls - I see myself. Messy and in need of discipline before the only Father who can bring out in me the end product that only He can see.

God is so good.