Best 5 Blog

Best 4 Blood Types According to the Japanese

2011-03-22T21:20:00.001-04:00

There are only four blood types, O, A, B, and AB, so this post will be focused on ranking the aforementioned according to which the Japanese think are the best. In Japan, it's believe that your blood type predicts your personality and romantic compatibility, and some blood types are more preferable than others. To be clear, this isn't some factual thing that all Japanese people believe; it's more akin to something like the zodiac, and, in fact, there are blood type horoscopes in Japan. Not that I'm bragging or anything, but I happen to be the most preferred blood type. So here we go, a list of blood types in order of preference and what personality traits they're supposed to show.

4. AB
People with the AB blood type suck. AB is considered the worst blood type because they have traits of both As and Bs, and these traits can manifest themselves unpredictably. ABs can be alternatively shy or outgoing, and sometimes stop in the middle of tasks when they think they're out of their control. Some of their positive traits are that they can be sensitive and considerate, but the overall badness of the blood type overwhelms these characteristics. Also, apparently many anime villians are this blood type.

3. B
Bs are the most practical of blood types; they're individualist, and when they set out to complete a goal, they do. They're considered a bit unconventional and sometimes arrogant. This arrogance and perceived selfishness makes them not so desirable on the dating scene.

2. A
Comprising 38% of the blood types in Japan, type A blood is fittingly seen in Type A individuals. They're pretty stressed, and very aware of other people, which makes them polite, but also sometimes non-confrontational. They're perfectionists, and also the most creative of the blood types.

1. O
It's good to be an O. Os are leaders, and very confident. They social and gregarious, and start many projects, but struggle to finish them (Don't I know it; it's a wonder I've kept this blog going for more than a week) Because they're the most "average" blood type, they're considered to be the best. The downside to the blood type is that they can sometimes come off as arrogant.

So there you have it. And also, if you were wondering, the Rhesus factor has nothing to do with these personality types, so O+ and O- are the same.

Best 5 Failures of Supermarket Labeling

2011-03-22T12:32:00.000-04:00

This is a little old, but even old things can be funny. Like racist grandpas.

5.

Well, sure, that's what I'd call it too.

This is actually a supermarket labeling win. Now Aisle 9 will get all the customers because of its ingredients monopoly! Take that, other aisles!

Now, there are two ways to interpret this, both hilarious; one is the suggestion that one purchasing baby needs might also be in need of alcoholic beverages, the other being the sad cry of a young child saying, "Baby NEEDS beers and wines!" in a style similar to that of the Hulk. And now, as I've explained the joke, neither is funny.

I know there are many things that are funny about this, but I have a quick question for all the cat owners out there, as I've never owned a cat: do y'all call it cat sand? I could have sworn it was kitty litter. Or is that just the word you use when they're young, and then they gradually mature to cat sand?

1.
I hope this sign was serious, because you don't even know how many times I've wanted to go to the supermarket shirtless on my bike with my dog at my side on roller blades , only to be foiled by those darn conservative markets you see so often nowadays.

Best 5 Opinions About India Garnered By Living in a Country That Borders It According to My Asian Friend Lily

2011-03-21T16:11:00.000-04:00

5. "They're really smart."
4. "They eat with their hands like ALL the time."
3. "They are brown."
2. "MUMBAI!!"
1. "Lagaan is the best Indian movie ever!"

So there you have it. No, she's not racist...I think.

Best 5 Random Facts About the Origins of Some Video Game Characters

2011-03-17T10:45:00.000-04:00

5. Lara Croft was a whole lot of things before she became the character we know today. First off, she was originally supposed to be a dude, with a whip and a hat. Somewhere along the line, the developers of Tomb Raider found that that idea sounded very… similar to another character, and decided to make Lara into a woman. Before settling on an upper class British archeologist-adventurer, the developers envisioned her as: a tough Spaniard, a burly woman, and a Nazi-esque militant.

4. The Legend of Zelda’s Link bears more than a coincidental resemblance with his Japanese creator, Shigeru Miyamoto. Many traits of the elfin hero are taken directly from Miyamoto, like his left-handedness. The crazy thing is, Link was left-handed in every Legend of Zelda game except for one: Twilight Princess for Wii. Why? Because the game’s developers knew that 85% of the world’s population is right-handed, and they didn’t want people to get confused with the sword controls.

3. When Sonic the Hedgehog was still in the planning stage, one of the concepts pitched was a girlfriend for the Sega mascot. A human girlfriend, named Madonna. Luckily, some people at Sega of America said, “Dudes, this is weird,” and the idea was dismissed.

2. Before Pac-Man came to the U.S., Japanese developers wanted to call him Puck-Man. This idea was quickly nixed, however, when it became apparent that American vandals might scratch over part of the “P” in Puck and make the game a little less than wholesome.

1. All of the defining features of the man we now know as Mario were simply a result of the graphical limitations of technology at the time. The hat? Mario only has one because it was hard to portray realistic hair. The plumber’s moustache, that bit of facial hair which singlehandedly make the word “mustachioed” awesome? Only there to emphasize Mario’s nose. And the dungarees were only there to accentuate the mustachioed (see? Isn’t it fun?) man’s arm movements. I feel like my childhood was a lie.

Best 5 Ark Music Factory Videos (Because It's Not Just Rebecca Black's "Friday")

2011-03-17T10:42:00.000-04:00

While nothing compares to the sheer delight that is Rebecca Black's "Friday", the rest of the the singers at Ark Music Factory sure try their darndest to put up a fight. Give it time; sooner or later, these tweens will be stars. And, with that sentiment in mind, we begin with #5.

5. C.J. Fam - "Ordinary Pop Star"

With my well-trained ear from years of watching American Idol, I would have to say that C.J. Fam has the best voice of these five singers. So the hilarity of this video does not come from the vocals, but rather the ridiculous concept of Fam wanting to be an ordinary girl instead of a pop star, when she is in fact an ordinary girl, not a pop star. Even if we make the assumption that this song is simply wishful thinking, it's pretty ridiculous watching this 11 year old prancing around photo shoots and the red carpet.

4. Alana Lee - "Butterflies"

I don't really want to make fun of this one. It's not really any worse than any other cookie cutter tween song; it's just a simple song about a guy who gives Lee butterflies. The only thing that makes it really silly is the seemingly obligatory rap interlude by the same dude who appears in every video on this list. Really, in the only video he doesn't rap ("Ordinary Pop Star"), he's still there as some sort of director. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's always there as a reassuring presence, whether it's here where he promises Alana that everything's going to be alright with her boy, or in Rebecca Black's "Friday" where he agrees with the 13 year old singer that Friday is indeed the time to party. The dude's great.

3. Kaya - "Can't Get You Out of My Mind"
Of all the videos here, this one seems to have the best chance to be a legitimate hit (although really, the competition's not that fierce). Kaya looks like a mini-Ke$h, and at the end of the video she gives a smirk and turn away that you swear will be followed by an "I like your beard." And half way through the video, just when you think it'll be a typical late 2000's girl singing at the camera in the club video, she switches it around, breaking out the typical early 2000's synchronized dance moves. You see, she's full of surprises.

2. Britt Rutter - "Without Your Love"
This very well could be the music video if the future; the song encompasses a relationship contained entirely on a computer. Disregarding the fact that the actual song has nothing to do with the video, it's impressive that Britt Rutter manages to have a boyfriend who she never talks to in real life. And, when said boyfriend strays, Ark Music Factory Rap Dude is there to cheer her up! Yay!

1. Rebecca Black - "Friday"
And of course, the original bad Ark Music Factory video. What's there to say that hasn't been said about this heaping pile of awfulness/awesomeness? Should I talk about Rebecca's need to "have [her] bowl"? Her agonizing choice between kicking it in the back or front seat? Her repeated incantation of "fun fun fun fun" at the chorus as if that could be a replacement for an actual lyric? Or the much-needed lesson at the end of the song that teaches us all the proper order of the days of the week? Well, I guess just talked about all those things.

Best 1 Way For a Snake to Die

2011-03-17T10:36:00.000-04:00

What a way to go. In a actual story, an Israeli model Orin Fox was doing a photo shoot with a boa constrictor when she decided it would be a good move to lick the snake. It soon became apparent that it was not. The snake bit her boob and held on for about 5 seconds before being taken off by an assistant. And get this: the snake later died of silicon poisoning! Now here's the a video of the bite from a Spanish language TV station.

I'm going to be honest; even though it's being stated that the snake died from the silicon, the announcer says that this is being reported by numerous websites and blogs, and that's not the best source of correct information. But if it's true, wow.

Best 5 Ocean Currents

2011-03-17T10:34:00.001-04:00

An ocean current is a continuous, directed movement of ocean water, influenced by factors such as wind, salinity, tides, and temperature. Like many things in life, some ocean currents are more awesome then others. These are their stories.

5. California Current

According to my detailed, thorough research, the California Current, a southward flowing cool water current that spans the West Coast, is supposed to be one of the most important of the 17 major ocean currents. To be honest though, I can’t really find anything that makes it very interesting. Sure, it apparently creates a rich nutritional environment for plankton, and thus whales and the like, but other than that, I don’t see it. Personally, I think it’s West Coast bias; I bet the person who decides which currents are “the most important” lives in Cali and just wants to brag.

4. Agulhas Current

Located in the southwest of the Indian Ocean and flowing down the eastern coast of Africa, this current is the second swiftest in the world. The reason it’s a pretty cool current (wrong choice of words; it’s a warm water current) is its historical significance. In their attempt to sail to India in search of spices, the Portuguese tried to go around the southern tip of Africa, running straight into… the southward flowing Agulhas. It took a couple tries for the Portuguese figured out how to successfully navigate the fast moving current, but as we all know they eventually did. So I guess it’s not significant, as it only delayed the Portuguese, but still.

3. Labrador Current

If a current could be an economic party pooper and general disliker of people, it would be the Labrador Current. This southward flowing cold water current off the coast of Canada and the East Coast of U.S. just seems to enjoy messing with us. It gets a little wacky sometimes, bringing icebergs from Greenland right into trans-Atlantic shipping lanes, and, when it mixes with the Gulf Stream, a warm water current also in the Atlantic, it creates dense fog that’s hard to navigate. And it makes parts of Canada and northern New England colder! I’m sure they don’t like that. Sure, it also creates some rich fishing grounds, but I since I read the negative stuff first, I’m sticking in the anti-Labrador camp.

2. Humboldt Current

The Humboldt Current flows northward flowing and is cool, in both senses of the word. Spanning the southern tip of Chile to the northern coast of Peru, this current is chill (again, in both senses of the word) because it displays just how important currents are. Sure, obviously they affect water-related things, like the abundance of marine life, but they also influence things you don’t necessarily relate with the flow of the ocean, like the arability of land. You know why northern Chile is arid? Because of the Humboldt Current. It cools down the coast, in addition to creating the most productive marine ecosystem in the world. Pretty awesome, no?

1. Gulf Stream

The Gulf Stream flows from the Gulf of Mexico north to Europe, bringing warm water with it. Like the Humboldt, it affects weather, making Western Europe warmer than places at similar latitudes. But there’s a downside to this; although it might make the climate in the U.K. more comfortable, in the Gulf of Mexico, the warm water intensifies hurricanes. There’s still some good news, though. As the world’s fastest current, the Gulf Stream is very powerful. Scientists are now trying to harness that power to hopefully create a new renewable energy source. How inserting the gigantic turbines that would be needed to accomplish this goal affects the environment is something, however, that remains to be seen.

For the people who were depressed that this post contained info about the Labrador Current, and not Lab puppies

Best 5 Crayola Crayon Colors

2011-03-17T10:33:00.002-04:00

Picked solely for their names, but the colors are lovely, too. Sidenote: the Spanish names of the colors in the photos are adorable as well. Osito cafesito, anyone?

5. Laser Lemon

4. Banana Mania

3. Fuzzy Wuzzy

2. Beaver

1. Atomic Tangerine

Best 5 Incredibly Odd/Disturbing Uses for Human Hair

2011-03-17T10:33:00.000-04:00

Yeah, it just got all weird up in here. Although frankly, it was never all that normal up in here to begin with...

5. Creating statues of President Obama

If you ever get the craving to make some sort of monument to the president, this is certainly an option for the construction material. An hair stylist in Beijing made this flattering statue in about seven days (with about 4 kg of hair), and it certainly is… Wow.

4. Making soy sauce

Yep, this is a gross one. Apparently, a “resourceful” company in China treated human hair, which is rich in the proteins that are also in soybeans, to distill its amino acids and pass it of as soybean oil.

3. Cleaning up oil spills

It seems that NASA tried to use human hair to clean up oil spills. The thinking behind the idea was that if animals’ fur can absorb oil, why can’t human hair? So an intrepid hairdresser decided to test the idea with the help of NASA and bunch of nylon bags full of hair. No word yet on the results. While the idea is a little gross that the solution to oil spills is throwing our hair into the ocean, it is cost effective; at the time of the study, it cost about $10 to recover a gallon of oil. With this new hair technique, it’s estimated that the cost would be as little as $2.

2. Gardening

While hair can be used as a fertilizer, there’s also a company out there that uses hair to weave into mats to protect the roots of plants from such mean things as weather and insects. Cool stuff.

1. Creating solar panels

see those horizontal strands? That's HAIR

This is the craziest, potentially most awesome use for hair. A teen in Nepal created a solar panel that replaces silicon with hair. Because silicon is pricey and hair is, well, clearly not pricey, this could totally increase the viability of solar energy. Basically, the way it works is that hair contains melanin, a light sensitive pigment that can be used as a conductor. The kid who created the panel has since tested it for feasibility, so here’s hoping it works out.

Best 5 Bollywood Movies According to My Other Indian Friend Achyut

2011-03-17T10:31:00.000-04:00

So my choice of the indisputably best Bollywood movies ever a few days ago generated a veritable firestorm of controversy amongst the Indian community. And by that I mean my other Indian friend Achyut disagreed. So, to be fair, I've created a list of the Bollywood films he thinks are the best.

5. Mujhse Shaadi Karogi

So when Achyut provided this as one of his selections, all he gave me was a link to one of the movie’s songs. And seriously, I don’t know what to make of it. The video seems at times awesome, and at others ridiculous. As I’m not a Bollywood connoisseur, I couldn’t really tell you which one it’s supposed to be. Judge for yourself:

Anyway, the movie is a comedy about a love triangle between two guys and a girl. At the end of the film (SPOILER!) one the guys gets the girl, but the two dudes are still friends, so it’s chill.

4. Munna Bhai MBBS

Achyut calls this film “3 Idiots before 3 Idiots.” It’s about a man who is a mobster but tells his parents that he is a doctor. When they find out that he’s been lying, he decides to go to med school to regain their love and respect. Along the way to his degree, he clashes with a strict administrator who opposes his radical, almost holistic approach to medicine, and falls in love with said administrator’s daughter. The result, according to Achyut, is awesomesauce.

3. Andaz Apna Apna

This movie, says Achyut, is one of those films that is so ridiculously bad that it’s good. With “songs that are borderline sexual harassment, terrible production quality, and hilarious jokes,” this movie is about two slackers who try to marry an heiress so they’ll never have to work. The heiress’s secretary also becomes involved, as well as her father (who the two guys try to kidnap in a misguided attempt to impress her) and the father’s evil twin. Even Achyut’s mom calls this one stupid, and when Achyut’s mom says something’s stupid, it is most definitely stupid.

2. Kal Ho Naa Ho

Shah Rukh Khan was Achyut’s boyhood idol, so it’s no surprise that he loves this one. Starring Khan, Preity Zinta, and Saif Ali Khan (who, incidentally, is dating Butterface) this film takes place in New York, and boy do they ever show it. Once Achyut told me about this movie, I actually watched it (and realized for the first time what a time commitment a Bollywood movie is) and I have to say I have never seen so many American flags in my life. And in keeping with the whole American thing, they actually obtained a license to use the song “Pretty Woman,” which is almost never done in Bollywood. Oh, and like Kabhie Kushi Kabhie Gham for Buj, this one made Achyut cry.

Suck it, Achyut!

1. Dhoom 2

This is my blog, Achyut! I made a mistake last time, allowing Buj’s #1 to remain that way, even though I knew Dhoom 2 was superior to all Bollywood movies. Well no more. Hrithik will not be contained!

Best 5 Pictures of Skin Conditions That Turn Your Epidermis All the Colors of the Rainbow (But Actually Just Blue and Orange)

2011-03-17T10:29:00.000-04:00

Ok, so this isn't so much a Best 5 post so much as an outlet for my fascination with argyria. I threw in some pictures of carotenosis for some variety. So here goes.

Argyria is a skin disease caused by prolonged exposure to elemental silver and silver compounds. A lot of the people who get it nowadays either used it topically, causing localized blueness, or ingested it for medicinal purposes, causing generalized Smurftasticness. Now, to be fair, ingesting silver is not completely crazy, since the element is known to be an antiseptic. This is because bacteria that come into contact with silver absorb
its atoms, which mess with their metabolism, causing them to die. Even so, with so many antibacterial medications out there, it is a little crazy to risk being blue (PERMANENTLY) by ingesting silver. But I guess the silver lining of the whole matter is that silver has fairly low toxicity, so besides the blueness, there's no real medical harm in the condition.

Stan Jones

Probably the most famous sufferer of argyria out there is Stan Jones, a man who unsuccessfully ran for the U.S. Senate in 2002 and 2006. In 1995, Jones had become concerned about the Y2K crisis, and, fearing there would be no more antibiotics after the apocalypse, began drinking huge amounts of colloidal silver. As a result of this four and a half years of silver intake, Jones became the first blue Senatorial candidate. And he defends his choice to this day, saying that in the event that there was a biological attack in the future, he'd take the silver again, because "being alive is more important than turning purple."

Also there's this disease called carotenosis, which turns the skin orange. Most common in vegetarians and young children it's caused by excessive intake of carotenoids, which are found in carrots and other foods like apples, butter and parsley (quite an assortment, isn't it?) Because of their light skin, it's easy to spot in gingers. But luckily for the gingers of the world and vegetarians, the condition is benign and can be cured by not eating so many carotenoids.

Here's a picture of the condition on a baby:

Not going to lie, though, I can't really see much of the orange in that picture, so to give you an idea of what an orange person might look like, I generated a picture of the imagined offspring of Snooki and John Boehner using morphthing.com. Although, between you and me, I don't think those guys have carotenosis..

Best 5 Bollywood Movies According to My Indian Friend Ambuj

2011-03-17T10:28:00.001-04:00

Don't lie. Whenever you watch an American film, you secretly wish that all the characters suddenly burst into song. Enter Bollywood. And in lieu of doing actual research, for my article on Bollywood, I elected to have my Indian friend Buj just tell me what he thought were the best. So here it is, the indisputable list of best Bollywood movies.

5. Dhoom 2

Two words: Hrithik Roshan. I’m not going to lie; this movie was not originally on Buj’s list, but gosh darn it this is my blog and I’ll do with it what I will. This is the only Bollywood movie I’ve ever seen, it was awesome, and Hrithik is the most gorgeous man to ever walk the face of India. So there, I said it. Suck it, Buj!

4. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

On to the movies Buj actually likes. This is Hindi romantic comedy starring Shahrukh Khan and Kajol, who from the looks of it were a mid to late ‘90s Bollywood power couple (not that they were dating in real life). It’s basically a love triangle between a guy, a feminine woman, and a tomboy; the plot of the movie is the daughter of the first woman and the man trying to get her father and the second woman together. Don’t worry, I made that seem weirder than it actually is in the movie. Anyway, Ambuj says that what makes this film so great is the on-screen chemistry between Khan and Kajol, who plays the tomboy. So look out for that.

3. Kabhie Kushi Kabhie Gham

This movie, nicknamed K3G, is a melodrama starring Khan, Kajol, my man Hrithik, and another actress Kareena Kapoor, who my other Indian friend Achyut says is a butterface. There’s some stuff about class in there as well as themes of parental respect. And, when Buj saw this movie when he was six, he cried because “it was really sad.”

2. Dilwale Dilhunia le Jayenge

The nickname for this Bollywood blockbuster is DDLJ, which, according to Ambuj, “is really fun if you say it ten times fast… in an Indian accent.” Through some extensive experimentation, I confirmed this observation. AGAIN, this one stars Khan and Kajol… I’m starting to think Buj has some sort of obsession with them. Anyway, in the movie, Khan plays a fun-loving party boy, Kajol is from a conservative family and, surprise, surprise, they get together! Whooo!

1. Three Idiots

The highest grossing movie ever in Bollywood, this film is about three unorthodox students studying at the Imperial College of Engineering (which is based of the university Buj’s dad went to!) They must fight to overcome an oppressive, by-the-book professor who threatens to stifle their creativity, and along the way, one of them falls in love the professor’s daughter, played by Butterface… I mean Kareena Kapoor. (Low blow there, sorry Kareena… that Achyut’s rubbing off on me). Based off the Wikipedia synopsis, this movie actually looked really good. If you have 164 minutes to spare, definitely check it out.

And now I'm just going to leave you with this.

Best 5 Organs That Can Be Removed Without Adversely Affecting the Body

2011-03-17T10:27:00.001-04:00

And you thought you needed them all. I so beg to differ.

5. Appendix
Everyone knows this one. Sure, some scientists try to say that the appendix has some immunological benefit, but that's never been proven so no. As far as I'm concerned, this is a useless, vestigial organ, and the only time any one actually cares about it is when it has the gall to cause you a severe amount of pain when it gets inflamed. And speaking of gall...

4. Gallbladder
While substantially more useful than the appendix (i.e., it actually has a use) the gallbladder is not necessary to survival. Its role in the body, where it's located right behind the liver, is to deliver bile to the small intestine to help in the digestion of fats. When it's removed (often because of the appearance of gallstones, solids surrounded by bile, that get lodged in places you don't want something lodged in) the liver compensates by just pushing the bile into the small intestine itself.

3. Spleen
The spleen, fine organ that it is, actually does have an immunological role, unlike that lousy appendix. Recent studies have shown that the spleen is a major hang out spot for monocytes, immune cells that help fight infections. When the spleen needs to removed because of -ironically enough, infection- other organs like the liver take over some of its immune duties. Unfortunately, they can never truly take over the spleen's job, so it's recommended that people with splenectomies have a lot of vaccinations to prevent infection.

2. Uterus
Unless you want babies, you don't need a uterus. But if you really want them, never fear! Remember, removing your uterus doesn't mean removing your ovaries, so there are still some eggs in there. In these modern times, those eggies can be transplanted into a surrogate and voila, babytime. Also, with no uterus, you don't get your period! I'm just saying, that would be friggin' awesome.

1. Kidney

What'd I tell you? Adorable.

I feel like the kidney is a glamor removable organ. Everybody knows about it, and for some reason, it seems like whenever they're brought up, it's because somebody wants one. Go figure. But besides being the most adorable organ in the body (seriously, when you see a transplanted kidney in a bio textbook, it looks like a little baby snug in its mama's embrace. The mama in this case is the hip bone) they're pretty darn useful. In fact, they're so good at doing their job of clearing toxins and producing urine that you only need one! The only catch is that once one is removed, it's best not to play it fast and loose with the toxins you put it your body.

Also, because I don't think I've said it in awhile, the appendix sucks.

Best 6 Breakfast Snacks of the Western Cougar

2011-03-17T10:26:00.001-04:00

No, I'm not talking about Demi Moore; this post is dedicated to a much more ferocious, much hairier type, and arguably much less Kabbalah-obsessed kind of cougar. Enjoy.

6. Insects

I couldn’t find any information as to which insects Western cougars eat, only that apparently some are eaten. I feel like they’d have to be some of the bigger species, like to tarantula’s to really be worth the cougar’s while.

5. Deer

Ungulates (hoofed animals) make up 65 – 80 % of the western cougar’s diet, and as one of the most common ungulates of the Western United States, the deer is naturally the cougar equivalent of a very hearty breakfast. I’m talking something like a big waffle and some sausage kind of breakfast, the kind of meal that makes you not want to eat all day. And, luckily for the cougar, it probably won’t! So yay!

4. Capybara

A delicacy enjoyed mostly by the Central and South American varieties of puma, this large web-footed rodent is surprisingly on this list. You’d think that with their extreme swimming prowess, the capybaras could simply flee to the water to escape their panther predators. Unfortunately, that’s where the crocodiles are. It’s hard out there for a capybara; when they’re not getting eaten by cougars and crocs, they get eaten by jaguars. Actually, as that’s a fairly decent segway into a puma factoid, it would be worth mentioning that scientists suggest that panthers only prey on the poor capybara because of jaguar competition. The jags take all the big, hearty ungulates, leaving only the huge rodents to the cougars.

3. Bighorn sheep

Bighorn sheep of Yellowstone National Park, look out. Western cougars are coming for you. Or at least some Western cougars. Various studies at Yellowstone have shown that some panthers rarely attack bighorn sheep, while others’ diets rely heavily on them. I don’t know how to differentiate between them, though, sheep, so my advice to you is to just stay away from all pumas.

2. Armadillo

Alright, here I’m fudging the scope of this article a bit. Admittedly, the armadillo is a common breakfast snack of the Florida panther, not the Western one. I just included it out of the curiosity of the matter, and the disturbing, yet kind of interesting mental image of a cougar trying to eat an armadillo.

1. Moose

I'm not going down without a fight. Fear me, cougars!

I put the moose as #1 on this list solely out of my trying to imagine what it would be like to be a cougar. Of all the animals listed here, if I were a puma, I’d definitely be happiest if I killed a moose. They are, after all the largest species in the deer family. That’s what I call bringing home the bacon, or venison, as it were.

Best 5 Ways to be Happy

2011-03-17T10:25:00.001-04:00

From my watching of the last 5 minutes of Diane Sawyer before Jeopardy came on:

5. Be a man

4. Live in Hawaii

3. Find religion

2. In particular, be a Jew

1. Be Asian American

So get on that.

Best 5 Obscure Comic Book Characters

2011-03-17T10:24:00.001-04:00

Sure, everyone knows Spiderman, Superman and Batman, but what about the other superheroes, the ones who toil in anonymity, saving lives and stopping crimes with no comic book reader paying attention? This will not stand! So here it is, a list of characters as cool and awesome as they are unknown.

5. normalman

normalman is the son of a junior CPA on the planet Arnold who believes his world will explode in eight hours. The accountant decides to send his infant son into space, where, after 20 years, he lands on a planet where everyone has superpowers, making him the only “normal” person. With the help of some of the planet’s superpowered inhabitants, including a dude named Captain Everything, who can manipulate the laws of physics according to the needs of the situation at hand, normalman attempts to get back to Arnold (which, as it turns out, didn’t explode).

4. Captain Koala

Before he was Captain Koala, he was a normal marsupial living at National Park in Australia. One day, he befriended a man named “Jolly Joker,” an agent for the Australian Security Service (yes, A.S.S.), one thing led to another, and the two started solving super spy cases together!

3. Spider-Ham (Peter Porker)

Peter Porker started out as a simple spider but, as the result of bite from an irradiated anthropomorphic pig animal scientist, turned into a combination of spider and pig, with the collective powers of both species. Created for a one shot humor comic book, Spider-Ham proved too popular to be contained in one comic, and was subsequently brought back for more adventures with his friends Captain Americat and Hulk-Bunny.

2. Squirrel Girl

Squirrel Girl is a mutant who can talk to squirrels and make them do her bidding. And while you would think that would be enough to qualify as a super hero (as squirrels are incredibly vicious, blood-thirsty creatures) that’s not all! She’s also got a big, furry prehensile squirrel tail. And teeth that chew through wood! So you can see why the Great Lakes Avengers wanted her.

1. Thunderbunny

Young Bobby Caswell was a normal teenage boy when he was presented with a box that transferred the power of the last survivor of an alien race of humanoid beings. And what did he turn into? Why a large pink bunny man, of course, endowed with the powers of super strength and flight! Apparently Bobby was a bit embarrassed by his superhuman alter ego, although I can’t imagine why.

Best 15 Crazy State Laws

2011-03-17T10:20:00.001-04:00

There are just too many crazy laws in this great country to be contained in a list of only 5. So here it is, 15 of the most insane laws in the United States. Most of them are fairly old and have since been repealed, but never fear; as long as there are lawmakers, there will always be some out there laws.

15. In Excelsior Springs, Montana, one is not permitted to throw balls within city limits

14. In Oregon, people are not permitted to whistle underwater

13. In Las Vegas, Nevada, people are not allowed to pawn their dentures

12. In Alabama, it’s illegal to play dominoes on Sunday

11. In Wisconsin, one can’t start a riot with a laser pointer

10. In Boise, Idaho, it is illegal to fish from a giraffe’s back

9. In California, molesting butterflies results in a $500 fine

8. In Lexington, Kentucky, one may not transport an ice cream cone in his or her pocket

7. In Georgia, it’s illegal for donkeys to be kept in bath tubs

6. In Tennessee, it is against the law for 8 women to live in the same house, as this would be classified as a brothel

5. In Ohio, one is not allowed to get a fish drunk

4. In Hollywood, California, it is illegal to drive more than 2,000 sheep Hollywood Boulevard at once

3. In Indiana, one cannot sell laughing gas without the intent to cause laughter

2. In Alaska, one cannot whisper in another’s ear while they are moose hunting

1. In New York, women are allowed to go topless in public as long as said toplessness is not part of a business venture

Best 5 Baseball Raps

2011-03-17T01:24:00.000-04:00

And by best, I mean most hilarious.
5. Minnesota Twins Team Song

While not technically a rap song, this ode to the Twins has all the early '90s earnestness to make me smile.

4. Cincinnati Reds Red Hot Rap
The team and the lady voice in the background agree: the 1990 Cincinnati Reds were "nasty boys" who were indeed "Red hot."

3. Dwight Gooden, "Dr. K"
I don't know why, but the vocals seem to has a Ghostbusters-y feel to them. This is not a bad thing.

2. Cubs Sox Rivalry Rap
This Chevrolet commercial is a rap battle between Ozzie Guillen and Lou Piniella, the respective managers of the Chicago White Sox and Cubs. Yep.

1. Get Metsmerized
This song, performed by the 1986 New York Mets, is absolutely amazing. Just hearing Rafael Santana tell us that he's a "cool glove man" might be enough to turn me into a Mets fan. But not really. Phillies all the way.

BONUS TIME:

There's no song in this one, just pure Twins dance love.

Best 5 Victorian Slang Words for Slut

2011-03-17T01:21:00.001-04:00

5. Unfortunate woman - word for prostitute used by more virtuous members of the fairer sex. Quick and to the point.

4. Wasp - word for whore who had an STD. Informative.

3. Rantipole - not necessarily a word for slut, but rather, a wild, romping young individual. Still, it sounds funny.

2. Dollymop - a woman who is not always a prostitute, but rather a part-time member of the world's oldest profession. Also, it sounds funny.

1. Dirty Puzzle - According to The 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue, a dirty puzzle is "a nasty slut." Classic.

Best 5 Ungulates of the Democratic Republic of the Congo

2011-03-17T01:15:00.001-04:00

It’s a common occurrence. You’re going to the Democratic Republic of the Congo for a nice, pleasant vacation, and you want to see the wildlife. But big cats and elephants are so last season; you want to know about the ungulates! So here’s a list of animals you shouldn’t miss out on, in all their hoofy glory.

5. Water Chevrotain

The common name of these guys, the fanged deer, should give it all away. True, the “fangs” are really just tusks, and this member of the Tragulidae family is strictly a vegetarian, but don’t be fooled. I can just see the mean streak in those eyes; you just don’t mess with a critter of this sort.

4. Bongo

There are, admittedly, a large number of ungulates that, while large and in possession of some arguably awesome horns, are kind of boring. To represent that group with a bit more pizzazz, I present the bongo, a forest-dwelling herbivore that frankly seems to be an evolutionary anomaly with its striking red coat that screams, “Eat me!”

3. Northern White Rhino

I feel bad for these guys. They’re one of those animals you really want to take a ride on, but based on their critically endangered status, you’d probably get some park ranger really pissed off in the process. Scientists fear that there aren’t anymore in the wild, and it’s really a shame; with their unique horn and cool armor-y hide, these even-toed ungulates are not to be missed.

2. Aardvark

Honestly, is there anything besides an aardvark that looks like an aardvark? It looks like the child from your grandfather’s affair with an anteater and naked mole rat. There’s a reason these creatures are nocturnal; no one but people with a morbid fascination with hideousness would want to see these by the light of day. Although, there is something kind of cute about them…

1. Okapi

The okapi is, with a doubt, the most awesome ungulate of DRC. Is it a deer, is it a zebra, nobody knows! (It’s related to the giraffe.) The Western world didn’t even find out about them until the 1890’s, and when the first skins were sent back to England in 1901, there was a veritable media frenzy. And why shouldn’t there have been? They can lick their own eyes! Their own eyes! If that doesn’t qualify this species as superior to all other Congolese hoofed animals, I don’t know what would.