Pavilion Opinions

Ponting 'to retire and run for Pope'

2012-04-26T22:51:00.001+02:00

Inspired by Sachin Tendulkar's appointment as an MP, Ricky Ponting today announced his retirement from cricket to become the next Pope. Despite a lack of grounding within Vatican politics, the former Australian captain said he was 'very much up for the challenge' and looking forward to becoming God's representative on Earth. Punter also emphasised his long history of pontificating from balconies.

His Holiness: Ponting denies being under-dressed for his first Easter Mass

Speaking from the Caribbean, the world's second highest Test run scorer explained his decision: "I know people will say I'm not fit to be God's messenger, but people forget I spent years working with Andrew Hilditch so I'm pretty clued up when it comes to dealing with omnipotent forces whose seemingly irrational decisions bring misery to millions." When challenged that trying to become the new Pontiff was fraught with risk and potential disappointment, Ponting remained characteristically bullish: "I've just spent three games running between the wickets with Shane Watson. Running for Pope isn't going to phase me."

Ponting's campaign remains in its infancy, although reports coming out of Oz suggest he has already lined up an IPL stint playing for King's XI Punjab to hone his ability to perform dressed in red and white in front of a crowd of zealous diehards who believe in miracles. The Test veteran has also received support for his bid from former team mate, Shane Warne, who has offered to provide his ex-captain's wife, Rianna, with 'appropriate support twice a night' when her husband takes his vows of celibacy.

Captain, My Captain....

2012-04-20T00:44:00.005+02:00

What could humanity achieve if Darren Sammy and Michael Clarke were given the world's reins for a day? No one can say for sure but these things would probably almost certainly come to pass if there was no heavy drizzle:

1) President Assad would say, 'Fair enough, I know it's not on,' and then hack himself to death with that Cliff Richard tribute album he bought on iTunes with his last words being 'Malcolm Marshall never got a home ten-for against Oz, you know, so well done Kemar.'

2) That IPL opening ceremony photo would suddenly come to life and Katy Perry would just spin round and kiss Doug Bollinger as lustily as Sammy himself kissing a life-size model of Rihanna made out of honey which has a tattoo that says 'honey' covering her honey.

3) An IPL fan and a County Championship fan would get together with Benjamin Netanyahu and Ban Ki-Moon in a stylish forest near Gdansk and fashion a deal for the peaceful allocation of land in the Middle East based on a fusion of Kevin Pietersen's wagon wheel against Deccan Chargers and Rory Hamilton-Brown's eyebrows.

4) David Cameron would stand up in parliament, scratch his balls with a pasty, and say, 'Look, we all make mistakes, but can we now just accept that Steve Smith is the best fielder in world cricket?' MPs would say 'Aye' and murmur 'Pune, Pune' in a comfortingly tantric manner for a couple of minutes.

5) Ryan ten Doeschate would be asked to have a bat for KKR, but only if Shakib al Hasan agrees to make himself scarce at the same time by painting watercolours of Mohammad Ashraful in an exotic pose similar to that of a porcupine with slight kidney pain.

6) All the above, but served with the sort of cheese Michael Atherton might eat whilst reading 'Decline and Fall' when lightly tipsy.

Forget T20. Internet rights are cricket's real Pandora's box

2012-04-11T19:19:00.007+02:00

Writing in the 149th edition of Wisden, its new editor, Lawrence Booth, has some harsh and typically eloquent words for the cricketing authorities. As well as describing the spread of T20 as "a Pandora's box masquerading as a panacea" he also lambasted the "self-interest" of cricket's governing bodies and, in particular, the BCCI for "the growth of private marketeers and high level conflicts of interest" which he believes underlie the IPL and have coincided not coincidentally with India's fall from grace in the year following on from their second World Cup win.

Seeing the crowds of people being introduced to and ecstatically enjoying cricket at T20 games, whether domestic or international, I don't quite share the sentiment that the shortest format is a "Pandora's box" ready to implode all over itself and cricket as a whole, however risible some of its more commercial innovations might be to those of us who somehow managed to grow up liking the sport without DLF Maximums being involved. Instead, a far bigger and more combustible Pandora's box is, for me, the way that the rights to show international cricket on the internet are still bundled together with TV ones when sold to broadcasting partners such as Sky in a manner which is utterly at odds with the way other forms of entertainment, and indeed some forms of cricket including the IPL, are marketed in 2012.

Millions of cricket fans watch the game illegally on internet streams which, when they can actually be located, often just serve up grainy screens, numerous pop-up ads and a huge amount of frustration. As an expat living in the Czech Republic if I wish to watch my country, England, play cricket my only option is to do so via someone else (certainly) and myself (possibly) breaking the law and hope that my virus protection is up to scratch. With Czech TV stations unsurprisingly not paying the ECB for broadcast or internet rights, I could only watch England play completely legally by moving back to the UK or Ireland and paying for a Sky TV subscription. So while I accept that ECB chief, Giles Clarke, may have a point when he bleats that such streams are "the biggest danger to cricket, because they take money out of the game without commercial benefit to us", it is not because I think executives at Zee, Sky and Channel Nine will catastrophically reduce the amount they pay for rights deals, but because cricket remains happier to condemn people who love the sport so much they are prepared to break the law to watch it, rather than actually tap into this vast market and provide them with a legal means of doing so. If Sky and the ECB allowed me to pay to watch their legitimate internet stream I would happily do so.

I therefore agree with Booth that there is a huge amount of self-interest from cricket's national boards, but not because through their increased adherence to T20 they lopsidedly promote a format that people undoubtedly want to watch, but because selling international cricket's internet rights on a national basis is petty, self-defeating and utterly anachronistic. Netflix, iTunes and the like have transformed the way that people can view content from other countries, and offer viewers the chance to pay to view the product they want in a high quality format. Cricket, meanwhile, remains shackled in its nationalistic shell, with fans forced to either live in the country they wish to watch play and buy a TV deal with an internet option tagged on, or do what surely the huge, non-paying majority do and ferret around for illegal streams. By selling the internet rights of the game off in nationalistic chunks, Clarke and the like are excluding themselves and cricket from the huge amounts of revenue that other forms of entertainment such as films and TV enjoy because of a long-standing and obvious acceptance that the internet doesn't stop at the boundary marker of, for example, Calais or Chennai.

If the international game really wants to save itself - and the ICC itself show that it can be of genuine practical value to supporters rather than just the toothless, DRS-prevaricating jelly many believe it to be - wouldn't it be a good idea if those in Dubai mooted the idea of trying to establish one single internet channel on which all international matches could be broadcast reliably and for a reasonable price and made available to any fan across the world willing to pay? Unravelling the long term multi-million deals which presently govern cricket - see here, here and here - clearly make such an idea naive and fanciful, and not least because in any game or series of international cricket there are obviously at least two teams and at least two broadcasters involved, but I cannot see how the present system of audience and revenue exclusion is tenable. Instead of playing an unwinnable game of Hammer Heads against illegal stream providers, surely Clarke and the ICC would be better served trying to harness the desire and wallets of those who view them?

A logistical nightmare it might be, but off the bat I would suggest that the subscription fee for an ICC-run channel would be fed back to the national boards in recompense for the loss of revenue they incur for the loss of exclusivity when negotiating broadcast rights contracts with domestic TV companies and, while millions of fans would still flock to watch illegal streams in the same way millions of fans flock to Pirate Bay and Vuze to illegally download the latest films, millions of others would also be willing to pay to watch cricket from a single, high quality source they knew they could rely on. Even if fans could only use such a channel to watch games from outside the country in which they reside - protecting the internet rights of the TV companies within their domestic territory - it would surely be a start?

Over 50 million people watched the IPL free on its official Youtube channel in 2010 which not only suggests that the appetite for online viewing is there, but that the many TV companies who paid to broadcast the tournament on domestic TV stations already have a certain acceptance that keeping a slavish nationalistic hold over internet rights is no longer tenable in the present age.

Ruing the fact people don't enjoy Test, or even ODI cricket, as much as they used to isn't going to save international cricket. Providing people with an accessible, reliable, worldwide platform on which to watch it online, however, just might.

ICC fine Pietersen 'for distracting from DRS tedium'

2012-04-06T12:05:00.004+02:00

England Batsman and former Glee cast member Kevin Pietersen was today handed a $10,000 fine from the ICC and all Sky commentators after his switch hit antics in the Second Test unforgivably overshadowed further debate around the controversial Decision Review System. Pietersen, who received an official warning for time wasting on Thursday after Tillakaratne Dilshan refused to bowl to him because the Sri Lankan was in a massive strop, has called the fine 'ridiculous' and vowed to immediately appeal the decision once he had consulted with Andrew Strauss for two minutes and explained to Stuart Broad that "you can't use this appeal, Stu. It's not for you, mate."

Controversial: KP denies he has become a bit too blasé about playing the switch hit

In a move designed to show the ICC is "down with the tech", boss Haroon Lorgat sent journalists an email from what he called his new "iPad thingy" explaining the penalty: "The ICC has worked very hard to ensure debate around DRS is in place at every ground in the world," he wrote as tiny, gold-plated fish nibbled dry skin off his feet in a Dubai spa. "By allowing host nations to use a certain amount of flexibility in how they implement the technology - they can provide the third umpire with Hot Spot and Hawkeye as well as a coin to toss - we have laboured to keep the tedium over DRS going. Once again KP, or 'K-Me' as I call him - LOL (sic?) - has diverted attention away from our efforts."

With the number of international players using the switch hit rising 100% to two since it was invented by Pietersen in 2008, many in the game believe the authorities are correct to now clamp down on a shot which some fans have described as "really exciting" and "brilliant". Other people were understandably too busy dribbling over this picture for various reasons to comment.

Not enough Grahams...should England take a more horses for courses approach to batting coaching?

2012-03-29T20:18:00.008+02:00

For England it's now four defeats on the spin - of all guises - and, despite the more dogged resistance offered in the second innings, it was always likely that Jonathan Trott's gallantry would only ever make the inevitable more galling when it came.

Was there an element of disrespect towards Herath and Randiv in that England just seemed to go into the Test with no clearer batting game plan than the non-strategy they had against Pakistan earlier this year? In theory, it's probably fair to presuppose Herath poses less of a threat than Ajmal, but in the book it says the veteran left-armer has taken 48 wickets in his last nine Tests. Not quite up to Philander levels of quicktime plundering, but surely enough for England to at least have given some indication they had thought about how to counteract his still considerable wiles.

I'm not proposing Graham Gooch should be marched back to Chelmsford in sackcloth and ashes, but perhaps the last four games do suggest that England could show a bit more innovation and flexibility in who contributes behind the scenes. Why could they not have sought temporary consultation from players - other than their head coach, of course - who have shown mastery of spin on the subcontinent? I'm happy to advocate that, after his displays against Murali and Saqlain Mushtaq twelve years ago, Graham Thorpe - who has worked as a batting coach for New South Wales - might have something to offer this present side. Prepare my padded cell if you wish, but Graeme Hick is another whose voice might not be utterly unhelpful as the other English, just about, player to conquer the subcontinent in relatively recent times when in 1992-3 he topped the averages against Kumble and Venkatapathy Raju with such finesse he was named one of India's cricketers of the year.

I accept we are in a new age of DRS where the forward press and other smothering past tactics would likely be swallowed up faster than Stuart Broad uses reviews, but as Plans A, B and C do not appear to exist, would it have really have been so stupid if England had tried something like a Plan G after the debacle in the Emirates?

Tigers and tremors: Is Cricket on the turn?

2012-03-24T01:50:00.001+01:00

The Kingston Test of 2009 and Chittagong World Cup defeat last March make it a precarious business for any Englishman to criticise the performances of the West Indies and Bangladesh over the last few years, but in terms of drifting both those sides have been pretty continental in recent times. Not aided by internal wrangles that would make Machiavelli hold his nose in disgust, it's been a largely frustrating and fruitless time for the teams which are perhaps the recipients of more goodwill from neutrals than any other nations in world cricket.

The Tigers' spine-nibbling progress to the Asia Cup final and the Windies' ODI win over Australia on Friday might not mean that cricket's Geiger counters need to be reset overnight, but there is without doubt a slight tectonic waft in the air. Although their loss to Pakistan on Thursday did its bit for the status quo by allowing anyone watching to admire Shakib Al Hasan's brilliance then sigh at his team mates' capacity to turn promise into anticlimax, Bangladesh did more than enough to suggest something might be afoot in the accepted order of things, notwithstanding the CB and England series efforts lingering in the weary legs of India, Sri Lanka and their ultimate conquerors, Team Misbah. Looking in the Dhaka book a week ago and seeing anything other than Tendulkar's hundredth hundred might be nigh on heretic to some, but in terms of cricket ticking on into the future it's worth noting that that was also the home side's first win over India since 2007. A win is a single win is just one win, but there's something in the cricketing atmosphere that suggests it wasn't.

Using The brute Force: Kieron Pollard nudges a single back past Shane Watson

Good for no one but Bet365, intuition does me as well as analysis in making predictions, but after years of dank stagnation my Windies waters are stirring. The series lead-taking win in the 3rd ODI could easily be put down to Kieron Pollard pulling one of his clunking yet irresistible rabbits out of his hat, but even without the results in the previous two matches it seems increasingly difficult to look at this Windies line-up on paper and just dismiss them as middling fodder. This might be silly talk, but to me any side rocking up with Darren Bravo, Andre Russell, Sunil Narine and - I'm happy to have my balls kicked incessantly here - Darren Sammy in it does not look like it's going to be a flimsy pushover in the next few years. Even more so if you add in the aforementioned batsman-cum-Rancor Pollard and dare to dream that the WICB and Chris Gayle might stop behaving like lions squabbling over the last bit of wildebeest. The inconsistency of the batting and lack of genuine fear-factor - but do give Andre time -from the bowlers of course mean that the Windies are still just having a fondue in St Lucia rather than A Fire in Babylon, but a few smoke signals are better than nothing.

False dawns turn up almost as often as real ones, but it's been a spritely few days for Bangladesh and the Windies and a pretty springlike couple of months for cricket in general: a CB series that seemed to last half as long as it actually did; two Kohli innings as beautiful as his mouth is caustic; new ball bowling of almost Messianic control and finesse from Vernon Philander in the ongoing Test series against New Zealand; perhaps above all, Suresh Raina looking utterly sublime dealing with a ball around his head.

Brace yourself for impact. Cricket is in a wobbly mood.

Ride a White Spam to the CB Series finals

2012-03-03T01:37:00.000+01:00

Apart from admitting he'd ridden Rebekah Brooks whilst Grant Mitchell fed them both sugar lumps, it's hard to imagine quite how much worse today's horsegate scandal could be for David Cameron. Perhaps admitting he'd ridden a sugar lump whilst watching Phil Mitchell being all butch could compete on some levels, but it would at least not involve the thought of our prime minister's spamdex thighs sweating collusion juice into light beige breeches.

I won't pretend I know whether Dinesh Chandimal would have had the foresight to turn round to Rebekah Brooks's husband Charlie a while back and say, 'Look, old chap, she's a lovely piece, but I'll take the stallion instead.' It's similarly pointless to speculate on whether Nuwan Kulasekara might have suggested they all just go and watch Midsomer Murders with a dry sherry instead of cantering around on that well-heeled Chipping Norton estate as impish neighbour Jeremy Clarkson shouted "Make sure you've plumbed a toilet into that horse if you've eaten a samosa! You'll be shitting for a week if you've eaten a samosa!!! Laugh Hammond, you poofturd!"

It's undoubtedly a humorous image but, on a serious note, we just don't know what Chandimal or Kulasekara would have done in David Cameron's position. Will this uncertainty play on their minds going into the CB Series finals? Hard to say, but I do expect Angelo Mathews to ride Australia like a whorish dressage mount at some point.

Cricket at the Movies #3 - Du Plessis at Hanging Rock

2012-02-25T12:17:00.001+01:00

Peter Weir's 1975 Picnic at Hanging Rock is all about the disappearance of three privileged girls from a private school in Victoria in the very early 20th Century. It relates but never explains how they vanish on a day trip after walking up that eponymous rock, but it is more about the pulsating, crushing power of lust, adolescence and class when forced together in an hourglass of colonial repression and, in similar vein to Nicolas Roeg's 1971 Walkabout, whether men are capable of coping with the torrid vicissitudes of unfamiliar environments be they natural or urban.

Above all, however, Picnic at Hanging Rock is about time. How it stretches our malleable souls, numbs us, annuls and devalues us, paralyses us and ultimately takes us away from ourselves with what becomes our own breathless acquiescence. Where or what did those girls vanish to or into and - we might now also ask after his swashbuckling, unbeaten 66 against New Zealand today - is it the same vortex of time and sex that all the barbs, sledges and catcalls that must have swirled around Faf du Plessis's head ever since that fateful quarter final day in Bangladesh eleven months ago now also reside?

Stop all the clocks: Du Plessis has had nearly a year of this moment

Perhaps only Mrs Mangel can say for sure, but Saturday's knock was undoubtedly the performance of a player very much moving upwards and away from the devastation and character demolition he endured in Dhaka. Time's cruel Venus Flytrap may well have swallowed him again by the end of the ODI series but, for now, it is Faf who's the one in the ascendancy.

ECB vows to 'unleash hell' on fans drinking non-Buxton water

2012-02-22T17:10:00.005+01:00

As part of another raft of measures designed to protect the ECB's commercial partners, Giles Clarke today vowed to 'unleash hell' against all spectators who fail to drink 'at least a litre' of Buxton water while watching England. In his latest attempt to 'defend our hugely vulnerable corporate family to the death', Clarke also announced that fans must drive to England games only in Jaguars and that any supporter found to be using a weight lifting supplement other than Maximuscle to shrink their genitals would be immediately barred from English county grounds for life.

After recently calling pirated internet streams 'the biggest danger' to what he tenderly described as the ECB's 'commercial benefit' - a term used by men in cheap-looking, crumpled suits to mean 'cricket' - Mr Clarke has now broadened the target of his anger away from the mere 5.9999bn people on the planet without access to a Sky Sports internet subscription towards anyone who 'watches or listens to cricket in a way that I don't like.' When it was suggested that the ECB's methods were increasingly anachronistic and out of step with a cricket and media world that demands innovation and flexibility rather than blinkered corporate authoritarianism, Mr Clarke remained bullish about his plans: "I don't just come across these schemes down the back of a sofa, you know. Actually, don't say I said sofa. Put couch. Oh lummy!"

Controversial: The ECB denies its new Jag-only transport policy is pricing out fans

One distraught fan, who has had his tickets for this summer's South Africa ODI at Trent Bridge withdrawn after failing to do his shopping at Asda, agreed to speak only on condition of anonymity. "I know Mr Clarke has a proven record when it comes to choosing commercial partners, but I just needed some milk and a few bits and I've got a Tesco's round the corner. My nearest Asda's twenty minutes away for God's sake, but anyway, the next morning I got an email telling me my tickets would be cancelled because I had breached the terms of sale. I'm gutted to say the least. I've never seen Johan Botha play in the flesh."

Although enforcement of the bottled water plan raises a number of logistical problems, an ECB spokesman stressed that all stewards would be told to be vigilant and, if necessary, trained in the forced attachment of Buxton-filled medical drips to any fan who insists on sticking with Evian or, in the worse case scenario, brings their own tap water. Further flashpoints are also likely to remain, however, with the decree that supporters found to be using a cashpoint other than Lloyds on their way to the ground will have this money confiscated at the gate and their foreheads tattooed with a black horse as a warning to others. Lalit Modi and IMG were both unavailable for comment.

Is Afridi still the man to rudder the good ship Misbah?

2012-02-17T15:13:00.008+01:00

His dashing, angelic looks make him more of a Dorian Gray, but in truth it's hard not to think of Shahid Afridi as the Benjamin Button of ODI batting given the splendour with which he began his career and the hair-pulling frustration that some of his recent immature knocks have produced. Wednesday's stump splaying dismissal to James Anderson was yet another piece of reckless self and team immolation that fans of both Pakistan and Hants have become increasingly familiar with over the past year or so. Just how boring can batting for your nation be that a 31-year-old man gets twitchy so easily?

No one can doubt Afridi isn't still deserving of his famous nickname but it has become increasingly open to rather less flattering interpretation: BOOM! Get the front foot out of the way. BOOM! Get the bat out of the way with a medieval hoick. What follows is usually a rattling sound then a slightly sheepish look, but rarely any admonishments from team mates or coaching staff. This is odd considering the abrogation of responsibility for such an experienced player, but in all seriousness, who's to say this turning a blind eye isn't just another part of Misbah-ul-Haq's man-management genius?

In recent years Afridi has tended to bat down the order (the comparison can be seen here and here) and we might suggest that scores between 20 and 40 are the ones which are so vital for a player in that position looking to finish an innings. If you look at the below slightly rudimentary chart of his ODI innings, you can see from the white gaps for that range in the final third of Afridi's career just how much his scoring has tailed off in this regard. In the last five years when coming in between six and eight, Afridi has also only finished not out on eight occasions in the 61 innings he's batted. In fact, he's only been not out when batting anywhere on one occasion since late 2009. That's a long way from Michael Bevan.

The march of time since Afridi's century-laden debut in 1996 aged 16

The other element which tends to magnify Afridi's current lack of patience is that his successor as skipper, the Brearley of the Emirates, has built the team's present success on very much a keep calm and carry on basis where Ajmalesque individualism is allowed to prosper but Azhar Ali's brand of resolute, dogged obstinacy is equally vaunted. It's hard to imagine Ali producing that sort of Third Test innings under an Afridi captaincy. I know I'm swinging across formats like Afridi does the line, but I think the point holds.

His hair. The star celebrations. The mesmeric late dippers. Even, despite the above, on rare occasions his batting. All these mean Afridi's role as the cherished enfant terrible of cricket remains unchallenged, but given how little we actually get to see of him out in the middle with some willow in his hands, wouldn't it be lovely if, in this regard, he just grew up a bit?

Radio Cricket Ep. 7: Out of Africa

2012-02-12T23:16:00.000+01:00

The all new, slinkily produced and nurtured Radio Cricket Ep. 7 is now available to nibble deliciously at your ears. In it, Altcricket and I discuss his trip to Kenya to promote HIV awareness through cricket and assess England's stodgy feet against the Pakistan spin attack in the Tests and who, if anyone, might be Andy Flower's men's saviour in the upcoming ODI series. We also discuss the apparent closed door policy of the IPL towards Pakistan players and muse on the early life of the new Bangladesh Premier League with its innovative approach to opening ceremonies.

If you like what you hear then please spread the word. Thanks.

India delighted to land Capello; Fletcher to lead England into Euro 2012

2012-02-09T09:02:00.006+01:00

Mumbai, Thursday - A cock-a-hoop BCCI chief N Srinivasan last night announced that former England manager Fabio Capello will be taking over from Duncan Fletcher as India coach with immediate effect. Despite overseeing one of the most successful periods of Indian cricket, in which his fabled technical expertise has solidified Rahul Dravid's once parlous defence and reinvigorated the previously stodgy off side play of VVS Laxman, Fletcher will leave his job today, quite possibly on a Go Kart.

Despite having also been in charge at Milan, Real Madrid and Roma, Capello said - in already near-perfect Hindi - that he was rather nervous to be working with such a superstar array of players, but that he hoped his time in charge of Zinedine Zidane and Luis Figo would stand him in good stead when dealing with Ravindra Jadega and Vinay Kumar. Capello's choice of captain has, however, raised a few eyebrows with the shock appointment of Harbhajan Singh greeted with more than a little surprise in Australia, where India are currently toying with the idea of playing cricket. In response, an unrepentant Capello explained that he told the BCCI he only took the job on condition he could continue his successful England policy of 'always having a captain at the forefront of race relations'. John Terry was unavailable for comment as he was fishing with Andrew Symonds.

Capello: 'Nervous but honoured' to be working with Vinay Kumar

Some India fans have been quick to question the decision to appoint a man with no cricketing experience and an inexplicable penchant for involving Stuart Downing in international sport, but a BCCI spokesman explained why they had plumped for Capello: 'We were looking for a coach who has experience of working with a megalomaniac national association with more money than sense. The ideal candidate also had to be willing to be hamstrung by cliques of senior players who have underperformed embarrassingly in recent foreign tournaments yet remain untouchable. We knew Fabio was our man.'

In a bizarre twist, Fletcher has now been appointed to Capello's old role as England football manger, where he has already made Ashley Giles his number two and indicated Monty Panesar is unlikely to figure in Euro 2012. Although a more popular choice than Stuart Pearce, many England fans have inevitably expressed surprise the Zimbabwean has been chosen ahead of Harry Redknapp, but an FA spokesman explained: 'We were looking for a coach who has experience of working with a megalomaniac national association with more money than sense. The ideal candidate also had to be willing to be hamstrung by cliques of senior players who have underperformed embarrassingly in recent foreign tournaments yet remain untouchable. We knew Duncan was our man.'

Updated Satirical dibbly dobblers

2012-02-07T11:44:00.002+01:00

A collection of satirical efforts written for both Pavilion Opinions and Alternative Cricket (AC). If you found any of them half as amusing as some of Brad Haddin's batting this year then please do pass on. Cheers!

On the BCCI sponsorship crisis: Mitt Romney to sponsor Team India

On cricket's technological advances: Introducing the Pepsi Max Mindmic™

On India's left field training regime (AC): BCCI clampdown -Dhoni fined for six laps an hour Go Kart go slow

On the Saeed Ajmal's action and austerity Britain's plans for the Queen's Jubilee: Willis calls for £60m new yacht in honour of Darrell Hair

On the year ahead: Pavilion Opinions predictions for 2012

On the constant grind of the DRS debate: DRS views to become mandatory say ICC

On Greg Chappell's offer to mind coach the Australians (AC): Chappell to demystify Tendulkar by coaching him again

On Ed Smiths cricinfo columns. Which are not patronising in any way: Winning? Sorry, nao entendo

On the threat facing the greatest form of the game (AC): Petition launched to save T20

On the ICC's latest response to match-fixing: ICC announce real sheikhs and sellotape strategy to fight corruption

On England's spectacular one day success in India: ODIs is a four letter word

On internet censorship and the review system: ICC launch opt-in scheme to limit 'DRS smut'

Not on cricket: Scientists baffled at lack of fast ones being pulled at latest Olympics

On team spirit in the India camp: Munaf Patel's Three Step Guide to Corporate Team-building

On a New Zealand brewery's intriguing approach to race relations: Moa Brewery unveil new Tuffey fronted campaign

On official donkeys and alleged asses: BCCI fury at Nasser Hussain's 'One or Two good fielders' claim

On the knee-jerk reactions to the UK riots and England's no.1 Test ranking. I am not a retired Brigadier: What has happened to my country?

On condemnation of Praveen Kumar's awfulness: Chris Broad charges Kumar with 'conduct unbecoming of even my own family'

On England number three's boozy confession: Shots nearly ruined my career, claims Trott

On Sangakkara's intrusive hacking of the politicians' sensibilities: Sangakkara 'invaded of our privacy' say Sri Lanka board

On the ICC's latest but one technological morass: ODI bats must be wrapped in hypercolor T-shirts, says ICC

On the agenda for the ICC's annual talking shop: Pavops exclusive - ICC conference speakers revealed

On India's DRS ban and Trott's window smash-up (AC): "Tour hotels must have VHS," say BCCI

On the corruption scandal at FIFA (AC): ICC 'delighted' at getting Warner on board

On Zaheer Khan's complaints about past India coaches: Chappell's tenure the worst phase of my career, says Hilditch

On cricket and football's irresistible forces: If Barca played cricket...

On US evangelist predictions of Armageddon: Warne relieved world not ended by his retirement

On the Max Mosley spanking libel case and Dada's return to the IPL (AC): Ganguly in Human Rights Controversy

On the fake World Cup trophy furore and the Associates exclusion: ICC accused of presenting "tacky imitation of governance"

On the Aussie captaincy and a an embarrassing CC faux pas: “Have a go at my ex!” says ‘Ricky’ in leaked email debauchery

On the political hijacking of the India-Pakistan semi-final: Elgin Marbles to attend Mohali semi, says Hunt

On Richard Littlejohn's call for a boycott of a minute's silence for victims for the Japanese earthquake (AC): “Ban Sri Lankan anthem” says Littlejohn

On the Republican hearings in the US and Kamran Akmal: "McCarthyite" ICC accuses Pakistan of harbouring incompetents

Please use the buttons below to tweet, facebook share etc if you enjoyed any of them. Thanks a lot.

BCCI crisis solved - Mitt Romney to sponsor team India

2012-02-05T01:53:00.001+01:00

Following the collapse of their present sponsorship deal with Sahara India Parivar, the BCCI have announced that permahaired Republican presidential cardigan Mitt Romney will become the new financial partner of Indian cricket. Romney, whose wealth is estimated to be 'equal to or even greater' than that of Ravindra Jadeja, has signed a $40m deal which will see his prematurely embalmed face emblazoned across the shirts of all IPL players apart from Mitchell Johnson, who the Mormon ex-Massachusetts governor has specifically requested bowl his overs in a 'Gingrich 2012!' tank top whilst reading aloud from Going Rogue, the subtle and moving autobiography of Sarah Palin. The deal also stipulates that all international home matches for India in the next two years will be moved to Salt Lake City, Utah.

Speaking from the IPL auction after party as a troupe of try-out cheerleaders dropped peeled grapes into his mouth, BCCI chief N Srinivasan welcomed the news: "Obviously we were a bit tentative at first about getting in an outsider, but after Mr Romney told us he had no interest in cricket whatsoever beyond milking it for all it's worth we immediately knew we could do business. We were also lucky in that I have a good working relationship with Mr Clarke at the ECB, who was kind enough to pass on his unrivalled knowledge and experience of taking money from rich Americans with a good skin care regime.' A spokesman confirmed that Mr Romney would be arriving at Wankhede Stadium by helicopter on Monday morning.

Howzat?!: Romney successfully appeals for rival Newt Gingrich to be sectioned

However, despite the generally positive reception for the news, not everyone within the India set up is entirely satisfied with some of the further requirements arising from Romney's sponsorship and Virat Kohli, in particular, has reacted badly to being told to completely revamp his sledging routine by calling opposition players 'free riding liberals' instead of 'bloody b*nchods'. Despite such sticking points, the deal does nonetheless mean the BCCI will no longer have to loan out Sunil Gavaskar to Mark Nicholas, who had expressed an interest in the legendary opener modelling a line of limited edition used Ryan Harris jock-straps he was hoping to sell on Channel Nine throughout the forthcoming Commonwealth Bank ODI series. In further positive signs for the new arrangement, when asked if he was fan of Mr Romney's small government, 'hands off' approach to leadership, Indian skipper MS Dhoni lit a cigar and enthusiastically replied, 'Well, increasingly as I get older, of course. Didn't you see the Test series?'

For his own part, Mr Romney issued a statement explaining why he had decided to make such a seemingly inexplicable foray into the game of cricket: 'My years working as asset stripper at Bain Capital involved turning around failing organisations by mercilessly getting rid of the deadwood. Unfortunately, in personally pocketing around five times the GDP of Belgium and sacking thousands of poor people along the way, voters may have got the impression I'm a bit of a heartless bastard. I hope my sponsorship of the present India side will go some way to reassuring the American public I am really just a sentimental fool.'

Introducing the Pepsi Max Mindmic™

2012-02-02T21:36:00.006+01:00

From Packer pajamas to the Decision Review System, cricket is always keen to pick up the ball and run with it when it comes to innovation. It may well then run headlong and blindly into controversy and farce half the time, but we can at least be sure that unlike football and silly old Sepp Blatter, cricket is certainly on the right side of the line when it comes to embracing progress.

Yet progress - like the teenage crush of a fickle Mayfly - is a fleeting fancy. Indeed it is. For cricket fans, Stumpcam, Hot Spot and Hawkeye will all seem like old hat in a few all too soon flown by years, but the news this week that scientists have discovered a way to listen in and translate people's brain waves offers the sport its next great technological leap forward. Within fifteen years, it is to be fully expected that cricket will be the first sport to embrace the Pepsi Max Mindmic™ or whatever some such name this thought-patrolling device has bestowed upon it in order to keep Mark Nicholas in oily cravats. The Vodafone Neurochat perhaps?

Jonny Bairstow gets ready to bat ahead of the 2023 Bank of Beijing Invitational T20

This may seem like a shallow, clumsy premise for what's to follow - it is - but imagine how much nicer it would be to hear Shane Warne's premonitions of batsmen's doom without Ian Healey's promptings? We may even reach a stage of candidness where Tino Best's Twitter feed would seem a model of reticence if players' true thoughts could be revealed at key points in matches. It's impossible to know for sure what nuggets of internal wisdom supporters might have missed out on because the Pepsi Max Mindmic™ wasn't available at seminal times in cricketing history. But here are a few speculations:

Faff du Plessis, World Cup QF, Sher-E-Bangla Stadium, 2011: '....pressure is your sex, Faff...just bed in here, Faffy....let AB do his thing...would a Christian goth funk fusion album work?...right who's on?....McCullum Snr...hardly Allan Donald....just why is White Lightning coaching the oppo anyway....time to focus now, Faffy... put Allan Donald out of your head now, Faff....and ease that into the on side....easy single there....'

Mathew Hayden, WACA, 2003: '.....bit bloody miffed, Haydo, to be honest....all this about Tubs being a better bloke than me....look in the book Tubs...would oregano work with salmon?...look in the bloody book, Don.....you never faced Andy Blignaut, mate.....maybe if I mixed paprika in with the Tzatziki?....people'll be impressed if Haydo tops Lara...could I flambé the lamb?...screw you, Sobers...'

Michael Atherton, Lord's, 1994: '....God, my fingers are all sweaty...don't think Richie's on comms today so I'll get away with it....just a bit of dirt for my sweaty fingers....oh God, I feel bad cheating against a guy like Hansie, though...maybe Ian Salisbury can turn this around for us....no, I think I'll do it...'

Shoaib Akhtar, Eden Gardens, 1999: '.......why does it hurt when I shine the ball down there?....right, better back this up....whaddayadoin Sachin, you clutz....should we appeal that...what is this bloody itching...yes I'll stand my ground and appeal it...if anything the crowd will admire my doggedness...I wish I'd kept her number...er, Wasim...'

Ishant Sharma, Koala Karts race track, Perth, 2012: '...seems a fair question....why aren't I practicing?...must remember I'm representing my nation....what would Virat do in this situation?...'

Giles Clarke, September 2007/all times: '....if you are not all reading my mind exclusively on Sky Sports then I'll bloody well stop thinking immediately....right, I warned you...'

And. so. forth. The Pepsi Max Mindmic™.

And they call it progress...

2012-01-28T20:07:00.003+01:00

Despite airy, muesli-ridden tweeting I am not, in fact, a Lib Dem student. That won't, however, stop me from referencing The Wicker Man in relation to England's astonishing collapse in Abu Dhabi in Saturday because - much like the futility of Edward Woodward reciting hymns as the flames begin to lap at his feet in the seminal folkish cult classic film - Andy Flower's charges just similarly stood and wittered as their fate was dealt out to them amidst a baying crowd delighted at their naivety and paralysis in the face of impending doom.

That sort of collapse is comfortingly familiar to those of us unfortunate enough to have squirmed our way through the 1990s, but we don't even have to go back as far as that to understand the root of England's acquiescence to fate this afternoon in the Emirates. It's rare in cricket that a match witnesses a double centurion standing helplessly bemused as a game collapses around his ankles, but in 2006 - as I watched from a Perth bar with typically Australian magnanimity ringing in my ears - this was exactly what transpired as Paul Collingwood was left dangling in the wind like a distraught Twix packet as his team mates succumbed like concubines to the will, if not the deliveries, of Shane Warne.

It would be nice to think that as number ones England had moved on from such submissiveness. Firstly, because of our coach who was serially unruffled by spin during his own career and, secondly, because of a mindset that had seemingly shifted from 'oh fuck' to 'fuck you' in these ball-twisting situations. Yet in Abu Dhabi today we saw, without wishing to demean in any way the efforts of the ludicrously underrated Rehman, the manifestation of English reticence writ large, namely the bloody-minded refusal to accept that the best way to arrest a maelstrom of collapse isn't by retreating into our shells like an agoraphobic turtle.

I'm not devastated we lost. I've waffled on enough bigging up Misbah's blotting paper approach to captaincy to take some small solace from his triumph in the face of what can surely be the most traumatic eighteen months that any international side has ever faced. But, in the same way you get kicked in the teeth by listening to parents at the average English U12 football match - 'Get rid of it, you twat!' - or the manner in which Patrick Evra was booed at Anfield today, it's just still a bit disappointing to realise your country isn't quite as ahead of the game as you might have hoped.

Lord Somerville-Ajmal, you have beaten us with your wiles. I just think that with a bit more self-assertion and feisty progressiveness, it would have been Andrew Strauss rather than Captain Misbah going home with Brit Ekland tonight. So it goes, though. Best foot forward.

Graphic, not novel: How Lord's did for Broad the Enforcer

2012-01-25T22:16:00.002+01:00

Tweets abounded following Stuart Broad's very commendable 3-47 on the first day of the 2nd Test against Pakistan. Amidst the praise and usual Barbie banter, however, there was also lots of familiar comment about how Broad wasted a period of his career, albeit a relatively short one, striving to be England's 'Enforcer' i.e. banging the ball in short to rough up the batsman. This seems a fair assessment, not least because Broad is a 'pop-up bowler' in that he makes things happen when a game is drifting away from England in the field - Trent Bridge last year, for instance - or at unlikely times, as was the case on Wednesday with Azhar Ali and Younis Khan relatively well set. However much you faux snarl, predictable short balls don't tend to get set, classy batsmen out - VVS's recent hooking travails apart - so although it is perhaps simplistic to say just pitching it up more would have solved Broad's woes during his lean times, bowling short certainly weakened this 'pop-up' element he has to his game. Those two balls to Khan and Ali were pearlers, but there have been plenty of times when Broad has got wickets with innocuous balls, Michael Clarke's first innings Oval dismissal in 2009 being a good example. I can't recall too many which have been short pitched, however.

No revelations there but I did, honestly, hear Nick Knight say something interesting on Sky last year when he relayed how during the Sri Lanka home series he had been out to talk to Broad in the middle ahead of the day's play and asked him why, given the lack of success he's had with such a strategy, he was bowling so short. 'Am I?' replied Broad according to Knight's version of events, and this response seemed odd because a) it was widely believed - though subsequently denied - that Broad had been asked by Andy Flower to bowl in the bully boy role and b) if that wasn't the case then why had the mass of laptops and analysts within England's set-up not picked up on the correlation between Broad's new short stuff regime and his lack of wickets and made some seemingly obvious necessary adjustments.

I'm going to take Broad's lean period as being from the First Test of the Bangladesh tour in March 2010 to the last Test of the Sri Lanka series in 2011 because in this time he only took 3 wickets in an innings on one occasion, against Pakistan at Edgbaston in August 2010. This completely unscientifically also seems to tie in with my own recollections of when the chatter about his bowling being too short was at its loudest. I had a look at some Hawkeye pitch maps for this period and you'll have to trust me that they do seem to suggest Broad's length was a bit shortish (a list of those games are here if you want to wade through the graphics, where available, yourself) and certainly so if you then examine the pitch maps for the Test innings in which Broad has taken four or more wickets. The matrix of pitch and weather conditions, opposition strengths and weaknesses etc doesn't lend much weight to comparing just two individual matches, but it is interesting to look at Broad's performances at Lord's in the two Tests he played there in 2011 against Sri Lanka and India.

Falling slightly short: Broad's 1-125 in Sri Lanka's first innings at Lord's 2011, 2nd Test June 3-7

Fuller and four wickets: Broad's 4-37 in Indian First innings at Lord's 2011, 1st Test July 21-25

It's not conclusive proof, of course, but you can clearly see the swathe of pitch that's left uncovered on a (very) full length in the Sri Lanka graphic and the two pitch maps do strongly suggest that Broad did indeed change his average length within the space of about seven weeks and then upped his wicket tally substantially. What was the trigger, I wonder.

Curtly Ambrose for one would tell you that bowling back of a length can both intimidate and get wickets, but Stuart Broad, to clear up any confusion, is not Curtly Ambrose. He is just a superlative fast bowler who deserves to give himself the best chance available to pop up and take bagfuls of wickets with the glorious, intuitive knack that he has. Playing The Enforcer, as well as making him look petulant, just doesn't help maximise that chance. Bowl a fuller length and fill your boots, Stuart.

Written in the Gold Stars? 5 reasons Pakistan's win was no shock

2012-01-20T00:43:00.003+01:00

Hindsight isn't fit to lace the boots of Eric Adibal, but it still gets called wonderful by all and sundry. I'm on to you hindsight, but am still happy to use you for my own ends, namely suggesting that people, myself included, really had more than enough reasons to have seen the debacle of England's performance in the First Test against Pakistan coming. Here's five:

1) The Daddy of all harbingers was Andy Flower's men's performances with the bat on the subcontinent in the last year. Geographical pedants should note that that the pitch in Dubai was laid with dirt from Karachi, and England batted on it with all the guile and finesse they showed throughout the World Cup and the five match Indian ODI annihilation that followed. Different formats, natch, but very similar batting line-ups, at least in the WC, and the ability to build an innings on these sort of surfaces were as much lacking then as they seem to be now. In those matches - twelve played, eight lost, one tied - England averaged a total of 245.5 (only once not using all 50 overs or being bowled out), which is not appalling by any means but hardly inspiring in the context of the opposition's displays, Ireland and the Netherlands included. It's a non sequitur how these type pitches are universally described as 'slow', 'low' and 'placid' yet when an England batsman walks out onto one they immediately start scratching about like Jonathan Trott with scabies (unless, of course, they are actually Jonathan Trott). A lack of settle, fluidity and rhythm induces the sort of decision making or lack thereof that did for so many of England's line-up in Dubai, KP's second inning's dismissal being a case in point. Quite why we expected them to turn up in the Emirates and play Saeed Ajmal better than they played Ravindra Jadega is anyone's guess.

2) It's a punchy call to say Pakistan's attack is the most potent in the world at present, but on these pitches it surely is. Australia have their canon of young guns but no, with all due respect to the very likable and commendable Nathan Lyon, stand out spinner. You could say ditto for the De Lange and Philander bolstered South Africa, though Imran Tahir would probably rightly dispute that after his efforts in the recent Third Test against Sri Lanka. In any case, whether or not you think Ajmal's Doosra is touched by genius or a bit fishy - and this makes an excellent case for why these two opinions can actually be reconciled - the focus should be less on his action and more on his results, which were by some distance the best for a Test bowler in 2011. The fact he is able to bowl his Doosra so accurately first up as he did to Bell in England's second innings marks him out as especially fatal. Add him to the ever canny Gull, the underrated Rehman and Hafeez - note the spin first up T20 tactic that did for Cook in the first innings - and you have a pretty potent blend. I'd personally have plumped for Phil Collins fanatic Wahab Riaz over Cheema, but either can cause problems, most notably the scandal-pursued left-armer with an old ball in his hand. That's even before you get to the highly promising Junaid Khan. People can still very easily make the case that England's attack is arguably the most balanced and potent attack in the world at present, but that argument - despite their above par performance in the First Test - looks parlous if we accept how fragile the Pakistan batting is meant to be.

Raw deal: Was this England's preparation model?

3) The Pakistan batting line-up is not really that parlous. In Hafeez and Taufeeq they have their first ever opening partnership that has garnered five Test century stands and are followed by a buck with balls in Azhar Ali and a middle order that comprises one of cricket's greatest batsmen of the last fifteen years and a captain whose stolid accumulation may well give sheep counting a run for its money at times but which is excruciatingly difficult to get rid of. In Adnan Akmal they have a wicket keeper who keeps like he is an only child (and has done for a while as Ross Taylor will testify) and bats in the way that fielding sides detest when a chink of tail light opens up. Any comment on Pakistan batting is duty bound to express that a collapse is just around the corner, but that corner hasn't been reached in the last fourteen months since Misbah took over a captain. Only twice have they been bowled out for under 200 in that time.

4) Quibbling with Andrew Strauss generally won't get you far, but in terms of undercookedness, England were quite patently somewhere between steak tartare and a grape. As Jonathan Agnew argued vociferously with Geoffrey Boycott in their TMS wrap, it's quite hard to know how they could have rectified this situation with extra warm-up games, but they were undeniably caught cold. As evident in Melbourne last year and The Oval in 2009, they notoriously have the capacity to strike back after a shuddering loss - not least because of the keep calm and carry on ethos of Flower and Strauss - but it does seem a stretch to hope that the batsmen will find a solution to their dusty woes and the bowlers find lines and lengths to overcompensate for that inadequacy in time for the Second Test in Abu Dhabi.

5) Pakistan have a winning mentality at the moment and huge credit must, please stop sighing, go to Captain Misbah. Volatile, expect the unexpected, anything can happen etc etc choose your own Pakistan cricket cliche/truism/as you wish, but I can't recall the last time they were a side so successful (across all formats) and, possibly not on an unrelated note, united over a prolonged period of time. Misbah now presides over a Test captaincy record that reads won seven, drawn five and lost one and all this throughout a period that has encompassed the match-fixing scandal and all the ruptures that must have wrought with the squad. He dead bats his way through interviews like he would probably quite happily dead bat his way through Armageddon, but somehow he has sculpted a steady ship with real wind in its sails. I suspect many Pakistan fans still secretly harbour a sneaky desire to have Shahid Afridi back as skipper, but Boom Boom combustibility would never have got this side to achieve what they have. No way.

Onwards to Abu Dhabi, where all the above could be rendered egg on face fodder, but if England really are the number one side in world cricket they couldn't ask for a better chance to prove it than in these conditions against such an adept and capable Pakistan side.

Willis calls for £60m new yacht in honour of Darrell Hair

2012-01-17T16:39:00.004+01:00

Following fresh scandal over the questionable action of Pakistan spin wizard, Saeed Ajmal, one of Britain's leading men named Bob Willis today called for cricket to fund a new yacht in honour of controversial Australian umpire Darrell Hair. Revealed in a leaked email exchange with UK Education Secretary, Michael Gove, the former England quick wrote of how 'this outstanding and misunderstood Commonwealth figure' should be rewarded for his 'implacable, resolute stance against crookedness over many years'. Gove is believed to be sympathetic to the request, having once been trapped in front by Saqlain Mushtaq at Hove in 2007.

Sheer terror: Ajmal reacts to the news Darrell Hair is to stand in the Second Test

The ambitious new yacht would be known as The Teesra and Willis himself puts the cost at 'a modest £60 million', half of which he estimates could easily be covered by his plan to sell Jonathan Trott's heart - which he claims has a rate well below average - to Prince Philip. The proposal has, however, still drawn criticism across the cricket world for its extravagant nature in these times of economic austerity. In a show of defiance against Hair, his 2006 Oval Test bête noire, ex-Pakistan skipper Inzimam-ul-Haq is believed to have just wandered off somewhere, whilst in Kandy the retired Muttiah Muralitharan said he was also rather lukewarm on the proposal. When asked, 'How lukewarm, exactly?' he replied, 'About 15 degrees.' Some tumbleweeds then blew across his garden.

Uncharacteristically unbowed, however, the Sky Sports pundit has said he intends to plough on with the scheme, claiming that large numbers of England's batting line-up have now pledged to privately finance the yacht's cost provided it was ready to sail by the weekend and would be skippered on its maiden voyage to Greenland by Ajmal and Willis themselves. The Queen herself was unavailable for comment although Buckingham Palace sources said that Her Majesty had privately referred to Ajmal's action as an "armus horribilis".

Still stumped by human rights: Three questions for the ECB

2012-01-13T00:20:00.000+01:00

A week into England's tour of the UAE to play Pakistan, there has now been the first mention I've seen of wicket keeper Steven Davies's sexuality, in a piece featured on BBC sport online. In it Joe Wilson reports on the comments of a UAE expat gay rights campaigner now based in Canada who calls Davies an 'inspiration' in his battle against the hardline approach of the Emirates' hierarchy towards LGBT people.

When I wrote an article back in December suggesting that the ECB were a bit hypocritical in refusing to play Zimbabwe but happy to have a UAE pay day in a country where homosexuality is illegal, I hoped the matter might also be covered in the broader media and a couple of awkward questions at least be asked. In reality, the only way the matter really would probably have registered was if Davies himself had come out and said something, but, conversely, I really do not think it is his responsibility to be commenting on each and every LGBT issue that might crop up. Eloquent as he is, Davies should not be expected to be a spokesman just because he is a cricketer who happens to be gay.

So perhaps for Davies the cricketer's sake it is better if the matter is kept swept under the carpet, but I'm not sure that that should make anyone involved at the ECB or the English cricketing journalistic establishment particularly proud. Having looked into the matter of gay rights in the UAE further since December, reports seem to veer from suggesting that Dubai, in particular, may be something of a haven of 'Don't show, don't tell' tolerance, to other claims of shamefully discriminatory treatment. On top of the fact that the UAE is not a democracy, however (only 12% of people can vote), and that its record on the detention and sham trialling of dissidents and activists has been recently condemned by Amnesty, I still can't accept that even this form of 'Don't tell, don't show' tolerance should be good enough for the ECB not to have been more thoroughly questioned on the topic, let alone how cricket's governing body, the ICC, have managed to merrily set up its headquarters in the Emirates largely free from inquisition (as an astute reader pointed out).

I suppose the three questions I'd like the ECB to answer would be:

- Have you informed any gay members of your touring party about the legal status of homosexuality in the UAE and the possible criminal repercussions for breaking this law?
- Given that all sexual relations outside marriage in the UAE are officially illegal, what would be the situation if England played a longer tour and the players' partners wanted to visit? Would you discourage such visits in the cases of all unmarried players and tour party members, regardless of sexuality?
- England continue to refuse to play against Zimbabwe. How does the ECB decide which country's human rights violations are bad enough that they will not allow the England team to play against or in that particular nation?

Across the mainstream media and beyond, people fell over themselves to compliment cricket's role in bringing down apartheid as part of the eulogies that rightfully followed Basil D'Oliveira's death. Many of the same people are now enjoying the hospitality of a country whose laws are officially as repressive as those faced by D'Oliveira and millions others in South Africa, the only difference being that the human right being violated is based on sexuality rather than skin colour. If you think there's a distinction then just recall that, for all his greatness, D'Oliveira's was a life curtailed by prejudice. Is it really fair that many ordinary young men and women in the UAE are enduring similar limitations on their own life chances while the ECB, ICC and cricket in general just turn a blind eye as long as the Emirates money rolls in?

Pavilion Opinions predictions for 2012

2012-01-05T00:08:00.003+01:00

January: Virat Kohli scores three successive double tons to secure India a draw in their Test series with Australia. Reflecting on his previous difficulties with the notorious Aussie crowds, the precocious young talent apologises for his conduct and explains how he's now far more conciliatory: 'I'm known for my light-hearted banter, so now I just give the oz fans that instead of my middle finger. Heh, you bogan benchod! That's a good one. Your sister smells of vegemite! Hey vegemite dick, how's Brian Lara's sister? Sarwan taught me that. Heh, bog....' At this point Sunil Gavaskar appears with a hot milky drink and a blanket and ushers Kohli back to his hotel to play a calming and popular avian-based puzzle game on his iPhone. 'He loves flicking the bird,' Sunil explains angrily.

February: England's Test series against Pakistan is disrupted after Andy Flower invites Henry Olonga to Abu Dhabi and the pair don black armbands in protest at Kevin Pietersen's arrest for "insulting the president's honour." Despite warnings from Graeme Swann, KP criticises the emirate leader's popular autobiography, "The Sheiks are off (limits in a sham democracy)" and ends up on show trial. Although sidestepping further awkward questions about why Steven Davies had earlier left the tour in manacles, an ECB spokesman smooths things over by asserting: 'It's important to be consistent on human rights. Especially where money is concerned.'

March: The English season begins with the LV County Championship in association with coal. Daniel Vettori still regarded as 'quite dishy' by my mother.

April: After Liverpool sell Andy Carroll to the Kolkata Knight Riders for $35m plus Shakib Al Hasan, the big target man makes a typically belligerent four off just 56 balls before leaving the tournament in disgrace after drunkenly telling Ravi Shastri he 'could have him'. Shastri blushes and says 'anyone can have me for $800k, big boy.' In the end, Dhoni's team beats the other teams.

May: In America, Allen Stanford is acquitted of all fraud charges after it is revealed he is able to prove his entire fortune actually came from his part-ownership of a string of south London ice cream parlours. In a dramatic intervention, the judge sitting in the case receives a phone call which begins, "Are you awake, motherf@cker?" and ends with him saying he has just spoken to "the most credible witness I have ever encountered. Mr Stanford, you are free to go!" Matt Prior subsequently locks his wife indoors and smashes his greenhouse to pieces, enraging the sixteen MCC members he keeps inside as tomato pickers.

June: Shane Warne marries Liz Hurley in St. Kilda and causes a stir by talking Ian Healey through their wedding night live on Fox Sports. Correctly predicts the great success of his 'fast slider' to gasps of admiration from other men.

July: South Africa arrive in England for their three Test series facing familiar accusations of choking after skipper Graeme Smith forgets to pack the DVD box set of Prison Break for the team flight. The subsequent recriminations lead to AB de Villiers' appointment as captain for the First Test at The Oval, but he is forced to deny rumours his introductory team talk included asking his side to draw silly moustaches on pictures of Richard Dawkins. 'I obviously don't agree with the guy,' De Villiers says. 'But men with silly moustaches are not the way forward for any cricket team.' ECB chief Giles Clarke immediately resigns in protest.

August: Chris Gayle agrees to join the Windies tour of England after the West Indies Cricket Board eventually back down and agree to respell 'player' as 'playa' in all sections of the mercurial opener's new contract. Both sides dismiss claims the dispute could have been resolved a bit earlier and remind people it's all Darren Sammy's fault.

September: Shane Warne and Liz Hurley celebrate three months of happy marriage. Vodafone Australia report record losses in their previously lucrative texting sector.

October: Shahid Afridi becomes so bored during yet another routine ODI win against Bangladesh in Dubai that he bites Mohammad Ashraful. Boom Boom is banned for four matches and warned about his future conduct, but Ijaz Butt uses the issue to launch a coup to retake control of the PCB. "Where there is darkness, I will bring my blinkers. Where there is light, I will steal the torch batteries," he says in an emotional tweet to Rupert Murdoch.

November: England arrive in India for their eagerly awaited Test series in which each team will have two referrals to Tony Greig's commentary in the case of an umpiring dispute. The first side who finds a piece of blatant tourism-based product placement wins the decision. India later go on to win an enthralling ODI series 9-0, though England Skipper Alastair Cook finds the positives by noting that 'these pitches are almost exactly the same as the ones we'll be winning the World Cup on in Australia and New Zealand in 2015. Let the cynics think what they want, but this has been fantastic preparation for the WACA.'

December: In Britain, Kumar Sangakkara becomes Labour Party leader Ed Miliband's new speechwriter. Prime minister David Cameron immediately calls a snap election because, as an aide lets slip, 'he's now bricking it'. A hung parliament results, although Cameron remains PM after Ukip leader Ian Botham sides with the Conservatives. In South Africa, Simon Katich and Michael Clarke put on 567 for the fourth wicket in Durban despite using David Warner as a substitute caller throughout their record stand. Katich retires immediately two days later after the ICC ban substitute callers.

DRS views to become mandatory say ICC

2011-12-26T18:26:00.002+01:00

Following a controversial opening day at the MCG, when a small number of cricket followers failed to give an opinion on the Decision Review System (DRS), the International Cricket Council has announced that passing comment on technology's role in the sport will soon be made mandatory for all supporters across the globe. No firm proposals will be put forward until the current Future Tours Programme ends in 2031, but the ICC has stated it believes that 'the cricket itself ' is increasingly becoming too much of a distraction from 'the real point of substance in our beautiful game, namely our decisive management of the DRS issue.'

Although the BCCI and majority of Indian fans have already suggested they are not prepared to use the new Mandatory View System (MVS), the rest of the cricket world have made clear they are unhappy with the current somewhat patchy situation, whereby views are often expressed, but do not have to be if someone doesn't want to. The ICC said they believed this messy fudge of equivocation was 'not too bad really', but that they have now finally been forced to act after the dismissals of Australia's Ed Cowan and Mike Hussey in the First Test against India provoked over 3 million Twitter users to stick their oar in, but left a core group of traditionalists completely disinterested. The ambiguity was exacerbated after Ravi Shastri uncharacteristically also refused to comment on the matter, choosing instead to just point out on commentary that the Christmas presents he received were much nicer than Nasser Hussain's.

By contrast, ECB chief Giles Clarke explained why he was pushing for the new move: "It's become quite clear that this piecemeal approach to views isn't working. We've got some people getting in a Twizz about Hot Spot, some clogging up Facebook statuses wittering on about Hawkeye, but if cricket is going to become as communication savvy as, for example, football, we really need to compel every arsehole with an opinion to put it forward, however idiotic it may be,' he said from Texas, where he is comforting an old friend with mobility issues.

Must-have views: The ICC's new temporary residence in Victoria

The ICC's next 'synergy lunch' does not fall until mid-February, but a number of well-seasoned insiders claimed they believed the new MVS could be in place by the start of the Second Test in Sydney if "a gazebo with executive vol-au-vent solutions" could be found to host an earlier meeting for its members currently within the Melbourne area. Ex-England skipper Tony Greig also said he hoped the idea would be firmed up as soon as possible but expressed bemusement at its necessity: 'I thought it had been mandatory to tweet non-stop about DRS since last April,' he said, attempting to drag Bill Lawry into the 'Oh Boy!' gentlemen's club on Bourke Street. Brad Haddin and Peter Siddle remained unmoved at stumps.

The Christmas Angelo

2011-12-25T13:33:00.001+01:00

Afar back in time came a king from the east.

Turned pieces of leather into 800 feasts.

So revered for all those that he lured to his lair,

Yet was betrayed by governance and dragged by the Hair.

Richard Dawkins gets into the Christmas spirit

One day the king died and all nearby proclaimed,

'A new king will rise! We shall still stay unmaimed!'

Yet fifteen games later, no saviour, no son.

Yet fifteen games later his followers have none.

And two of the three wise men cry 31.

While a once assumed new king, his mysteries undone.

But this kingdom will not, to me, fall down supine.

Though, alas, it's still lacking in Angelo spine.

Bit bored? There is an Alternative...

2011-12-19T16:02:00.001+01:00

Just wanted to flag up a couple of things I've been involved in over on Alternative Cricket, a tour de force of saucy cricket fun (and you're missing out if you don't follow Nishant Joshi, its editor, supreme leader and bringer of twin rainbows on Twitter).

Firstly, the new edition of Radio Cricket, featuring Nishant and I chatting feverishly about the completed Aus-NZ series and speculating on where the Windies go now after yet another disappointing tour (you can subscribe on iTunes here). Excitement also mounts ahead of the Second Annual Cricket's Ugliest Man Awards (who can possibly take the crown away from Steve Smith...?)

Secondly, a bit of seasonal speculation I've written about the Australians' new masterplan to counter Sachin ahead of their series against India, which starts at the MCG on Boxing Day. It's controversial, but quite likely to be more effective than Peter Siddle.

If you like what's on offer then please do share, fb like, tweet, talk about to complete strangers in pubs when tipsy during the festive period etc etc. If you're fed up with run-of-the-mill cricket coverage, get the alternative!

Stumped by Human Rights

2011-12-11T10:34:00.025+01:00

From the ECB’s equality policy:

“The ECB, in all its activities, is fully committed to the principles of equality of opportunity in cricket in England and Wales and aims to ensure that no individual is discriminated against on the grounds of age, gender, disability, race, parental or marital status, pregnancy, religion or belief or sexual orientation.”

From the ECB’s statement in 2008 announcing why Zimbabwe’s tour of England in 2009 would be cancelled:

“The ECB, who have been in constructive and extensive dialogue with the Department for Culture, Media and Sport for some time, welcome the Government’s decision and share the Government’s concerns about the deteriorating situation and lack of human rights in Zimbabwe.”

The first paragraph of the wiki entry for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender rights in the United Arab Emirates:

“The United Arab Emirates includes the Emirates of Dubai, Abu Dhabi, Ras al-Khaimah, Umm Al Quwain, Ajman, Fujairah and Sharjah. Sexual relations outside of a traditional, heterosexual marriage are a crime and punishments range from jail time, fines, deportation, and the death penalty. A person may also face forced hormone treatments which may include chemical castration.”

I don’t know the veracity or actual application of that claim and neither am I suggesting that the situations in the Emirates and Harare are in any way analogous (although I’m not quite clear quite how many free and fair elections take place in either). However, as England will soon be jetting off to play Pakistan in the UAE with both a Zimbabwean coach and an openly gay wicket keeper, it does focus the mind a bit as to whether there exists a slight discrepancy in where and when the ECB deals out its equality cards? Notwithstanding the murky, cashy, real world that Giles Clarke has to inhabit, nor the ECB’s admirable support of Steven Davies since he came out earlier this year, is England’s tour to the UAE not perhaps another case of a sports organisation doing an awkward FIFA shuffle on the human rights dance floor?