Pavilion Opinions

Sivaramakrishnan "thrilled" to be named new United manager

2013-05-08T12:04:00.000+02:00

After intense lobbying from the BCCI, Sir Alex Ferguson today stood down as manager of Manchester United to be replaced by former Indian leg-spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan. Ferguson, who is the most successful manager in the club's history, said he would have liked to have stayed on in the role but that the "intolerable pressure from Chennai" made his position untenable. Sivaramakrishnan himself said he had "a lot to offer British football" and was "thrilled, but not surprised" to be given the chance.

Sivaramakrishnan: "Hugely excited" to be working with Phil Jones

New boss Sivaramakrishnan, or Siva as he's gratefully known to white people, will take over with immediate effect despite many in the game voicing concern over whether a cricket commentator with no previous experience of football at any level was an appropriate choice to take on Sir Alex's legacy. However, a spokesman for the club made clear that he was definitely the right man:

"There's a lot of nonsense suggesting that Sir Alex was forced out because India Cements threatened to come to Old Trafford and concrete over the pitch unless we appointed Siva - or "Sivs" as the players already like to call him - but this is just not true. The simple fact is that although Sir Alex has won 13 league titles, two Champions League crowns, five FA Cups and four League Cups, we felt that Siva's ability to explain the googly to the players in a slightly geeky manner would be far more likely to bring further success."

The news has stunned the sporting world and divided opinion. Whilst many see the move as just another example of the BCCI's ever-increasing dominance, once impartial observer, a Harsha from Hyderabad, told a perplexed BBC reporter that this was a "wise and sensible decision in keeping with how lovely Mr Srinivasan's hair looks in moonlight". His comments led to a fierce on-air row with a José from Madrid who kept stroking his chin and repeatedly telling confused viewers that, "Tim May is the Special One".

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Butt and Amir Appeal: Exclusive Court Transcripts Released

2013-04-18T10:56:00.001+02:00

Court of Arbitration of Sport (CAS), Lausanne, 17th April 2013

Clerk of the Court: "All rise. Court is in session. Lord Chief Justice Sorbet will reside."

Lord Sorbet: "Mr Butt. Mr Amir. You are here to request your bans imposed by the ICC for spot-fixing be overturned."

Mr Butt: "That's correct, Your Honour."

Lord Sorbet: "And you, Mr Amir?"

Mr Amir: "Er, I don't know why I'm here. Salman made me come."

Lord Sorbet: "I see. But you would like to have your ban quashed, wouldn't you?"

Mr Amir: "I am from a small village."

Lord Sorbet: "Right, ok. Well, we'd better crack on. So what new evidence do you have to persuade me to strike out this ban?"

Mr Butt: "Just bear with me, Your Honour. I'm going to show you a video."

Lord Sorbet: "Very good, Mr Butt."

Mr Butt plays VT of Chennai versus Bangalore.

Butt points at the screen: "Look at that, it's massive! Look at the size of it!"

Lord Sorbet looks confused.

Mr Amir: "Dear, oh dear. Amateur hour. Not in the least bit subtle."

VT ends.

Lord Sorbet: "Right, Mr Butt. So your defence rests on pointing at RP Singh's front foot and saying, 'Look at that, it's massive!'"

Mr Butt: "Er, yes, Your Honour. It happens all the time. No ball, schmo-ball. Come on, have a heart!"

Lord Sorbet: "And this proves your innocence how exactly?"

Mr Butt: "Well, you know, Your Honour. Shit happens."

Lord Sorbet: "Indeed it does, Mr Butt, but I cannot permit this appeal. You are required to submit relevant new material evidence and everyone knows that there's nothing dodgy about matches in the IPL."

Loud guffaws are heard all round.

Lord Sorbet: "Silence in court! Mr Butt! Will you please control your party in the public gallery?"

Mr Butt: "Yes, I'm sorry, Your Honour." [Now shouting] "Mazhar, stop sniggering. And put that ice-cream down."

Lord Sorbet: "I'm afraid I have no option but to reject this appeal. Have you anything to say?"

Mr Butt: "Yes, Your Honour. Why does the CAS sit in Switzerland? It's bloody freezing."

Lord Sorbet: "Oh don't make a fuss, Mr Butt. Haven't you got a jacket you can borrow?"

Mr Butt: "Er, I don't think Wahab's here today, Your Honour."

Lord Sorbet: "Oh, for heaven's sake! And you, Mr Amir?"

Mr Amir: "I am from a small village."

Lord Sorbet: "Lord above, give me strength. Case dismissed!"

All exit to conduct soul-searching interviews with Michael Atherton.

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Pies and Pressure: The IPL is no place for the weak-minded

2013-04-17T00:28:00.001+02:00

Compared to a few other members of the Test Match Special commentary team, Geoffrey Boycott is a renaissance man when it comes to knowledge of world cricket. Listening, as is strongly recommended, to his regular ESPN podcast Bowl at Boycs, he exhibits an appreciation of the global game and its foibles which goes well beyond the often somewhat parochial confines of TMS and, at times, Sky broadcasts. When live on air, it's pretty unlikely you'll ever hear him say, "Not seen this lad before. Turns it," which is often David Lloyd's stock delivery for any young spinner from beyond the shores of Britain, and Boycott's willingness to interpret disputes such as player versus country versus franchise in considered shades of grey flies in the face of his bluff reputation.

In the latest episode, he gave this analysis of IPL: "Twenty-over cricket, we keep telling people, they can't give you situations where character and mental toughness comes in. Yes, there is lots of interest, lots of inventive shots, and there's quite a lot of skill. But the character and mental toughness that is needed for Test cricket is not there.....I enjoy watching it a bit, but I can't honestly say I want to watch every game because there is a lot of it, every day. And, you know, after a month or so of that, it's like my mum. When she was alive, she was a lovely cook. She used to cook me steak and kidney pie, I loved it. But if I had it on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, by Friday I was fit to throw it at her. I wanted something different.." Some reasoned pros and cons about the tournament there, and who doesn't enjoy a Boycott analogy involving both his mother and her cooking, but surely he's not right to assert there's no mental toughness required in T20?

The stakes may not be so high in an IPL group match as a gala Test, but they can sharpen far, far quicker. Boycott is beloved of seeing dot balls in Test cricket in order to build pressure and "make something happen" and the IPL serves up his theory in microcosm time and time again as teams in comfortable positions lose what should rationally be an irrelevant wicket, but then allow the few inevitable dot balls which accompany a rebuilding to flare up into the cricketing equivalent of a boil. The need to then lance it all too quickly often involves wild flailing as seen by KKR's Manoj Tiwary and Yusuf Pathan, the latter of whose once destructive batting has sadly come to resemble a bear with a gun wound playing golf. His side lost their nerve and the match, a scenario very nearly replicated by RCB after losing the wicket of AB de Villiers when well positioned. In T20 two or three dot balls towards the end of an chase wreak mental havoc. Established Test players feel it as well as young rookies, Kohli's involvement in a farcical run out closely followed by his own slap to cover dismissal being a case in point.

On his Test debut in 1999, Michael Vaghan walked out to face Donald and Pollock at the Wanderers with the score on 2 for 2, a situation which soon came to look quite rosy as England lost another two wickets without scoring a run. The two-hour 33 Vaughan went on to make in that innings would have been impossible without mental fortitude - for anyone let alone a debutant - but it was still paltry in terms of time compared to Atherton's ten and three-quarter hour 185 not out at the same ground four years earlier. Atherton said that the length he was at the crease actually enabled him to go into what he, somewhat sheepishly, called "the zone" where he just knew he wasn't going to get out. It's unlikely Vaughan ever felt like that during his frenzied 119 minutes in the middle. This isn't to suggest an equivalence between the two innings, merely to propose that time can eventually cut both ways when it comes to pressure.

A test of character can be equally challenging whether short and sharp or prolonged and subtle. In Test cricket pressure is like water torture, the slow build-up of drips nibbling away at a tiring brain. In T20, it's more like water-boarding - sudden, shocking and arguably completely unjustified. There's no time to stop and assess situations and, consequently, players react in accordance to their perception of what the pressure is rather than the reality. The result is inevitably errors and more pressure, now increasingly justified. The IPL clearly does not provide the elongated examinations of a player's mentality that Atherton or even Vaughan were subjected to, but anyone suggesting it doesn't provide situations which test character is plainly, as Boycott himself might say, "not right in the head".

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Sri Lankan President named ODI captain; denies political influence a factor

2013-03-31T03:26:00.002+02:00

Sri Lanka's President, Mahinda Rajapaksa, today said he was "humbled and, of course, very surprised" at being made the country's new ODI captain. Rajapaksa, who once made a breezy 12 not out for his school side fifty years ago before going on to lead his nation, claimed he had been picked on merit and was already planning who to open the bowling with at the Champions Trophy in June. He went on to dismiss further rumours he would have had his party MP and Sri Lankan chairman of selectors, Sanath Jayasuriya, deported if he hadn't named him skpper as "not entirely true."

President Rajapaksa pushes back the field following the end of the bowling powerplay

Explaining his longstanding love of the game and the strategic planning he believes will make him the "Sinhalese Brearley", Rajapaksa told a packed press conference: "There's a lot of nonsense talked about whether I'm the best man to put a smile on the face of Sri Lankan cricket fans. Just because I built a new stadium in Hambantota where you need a plane to get to the nearest hotel doesn't mean I don't think about the little people. The fact I named it after myself doesn't mean I'm a megalomaniac either. People jump to conclusions. Why doesn't that Vivian Richards get such criticism because of his stadium in Antigua? These double standards sicken me, to be honest."

Jayasuriya himself, who has earned praise for his fierce independence from politics in his new selection role, also leapt to his party leader's defence: "Look, everyone knows that I'm an MP for Mr President's party but that had no bearing on me choosing him as ODI captain. People say I'm a terrible sycophant, but they don't realise his off drive is as beautiful as his moustache and exquisite bone structure. While I'm at it, this other allegation is bugging me, too. Aparently, I'm now also a sycophant because I picked the son of one of my government's ministers whose cricket experience is limited mainly to him mistakenly putting on a pair of white trousers some years back. Well let me tell you, his father told me he looked damn good in those trousers!! And, in my defence, his T20 bowling stats are half-decent. I hope that stops the cynics' tongues wagging."

Meanwhile, Sri Lanka Cricket secretary, Nishantha Ranatunga, who this week allowed his players to continue in the IPL despite the ban on them turning out in Chennai, said he was loking forward to working hard with the board's new President-elect Jayantha Dharmadasa to clean up the game's tainted image on the island nation. His only disappointment, he added, was that his brother, Arjuna, had eventually decided not to stand for the role: "Nothing would have sent a stronger message against nepotism and political interference in our cricket than two brothers and an MP running the whole thing," he said. "Well, technically two MPs if you count my bro', but he's in the opposite party to Sanath so it would all have evened itself out. Could I just add that I also think Mr President has a lovely moustache."

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Matt Prior: The best Wicketkeeper-Batsman-Diplomat in the World

2013-03-26T12:28:00.002+01:00

For some, Matt Prior used to be harder to warm to than an iceberg in the shape of Jimmy Savile. Perceived as brash and mouthy, the once fumbling keeper came close to being regarded as almost a proxy Pietersen, a South African import whose mucky aggression simply wasn't on within the gentler confines of the English game. His constant twangy chuntering behind the stumps grated and, when his pregnant wife Emily was caught on the big screen bouncing on the knee of Allen Stanford during the Super Sixes in 2008, the sight was greeted with sniggering delight in many quarters, a sort of deserved comeuppance for her husband's too sparky and unjustified on field confidence.

This was always a jaundiced, uncharitable view of England's Third Test saviour, but regardless, Prior has now undoubtedly emerged as not only an exceptional wicketkeeper-batsman, but an outstanding individual within the England side. Other players split into factions during the KP text scandal faster than Indian fans discussing Sachin's retirement, but Prior instead acted as intermediary, picking up his own phone and calling Pietersen to find out the root of the discontent. His attempts at diplomacy were as commendable yet futile as his brilliant second innings 73 in the subsequent match at Lord's, but amid all the media leaks and parody accounts, it was a simple and impressive gesture that offered a previously not fully appreciated side to his character.

Matt Prior this winter against India and NZ: 7 matches, 569 runs at 71, 16 catches. Exceptional stuff. #NZvEng
— Pavilion Opinions (@pavilionopinion) March 26, 2013

When further IPL grumbles bubbled up earlier this year Angus Porter, the chief executive of the Professional Cricketers Association, attracted much derision by claiming England players were "substantially underpaid" given their restricted participation in franchise T20 tournaments. Against a backdrop of press and fan cynicism, Prior, now in the guise of trade union rep rather than diplomat, was the one who fronted up for interview, speaking of the "frustration" in the side and making the oft-heard but valid point that the IPL and its derivatives are not going away and that England had players who wanted to play in them (though ironically he went unsold at the latest auction). Despite hinting heavily that the ECB should consider rescheduling the early season Tests which clash with the IPL, he sounded reasoned rather than money-grubbing or shifty, something those defending a desire to shack up with a franchise haven't always managed. Whether or not people agreed with him, he had again popped his head above the parapet in the interests of more than a few of his team mates, who clearly shared his sentiments but not his willingness to speak up.

Even after his astonishingly breezy 110 not out to save the Auckland Test, Prior was keen to praise others' efforts over his own, singling out Panesar and, in particular, Broad's innings and noting the work his much maligned team mate had done in the nets which had enabled him to bat for 137 minutes to make a 77-ball six. Prior has little to be modest about, however, in light of his own record. In twenty series for England he has averaged below 30 on just four occasions and his relentless dedication to improving his keeping has been rewarded with comparisons to Alan Knott, a rare achievement for any glovesman. He actually rates his favourite catch as one which wasn't - a leg side diving take of Shane Watson not given during the 2010/11 Ashes - because it was a technique he'd practised thousands of times with coach Bruce French in the hope of making it count once in a match. For all his genius qualities, it's difficult to imagine Dhoni undertaking such a regime.

Twitter has been engaging in a game of Prior versus AB de Villiers top trumps. Choosing a winner is probably neither necessary or possible, suffice to say that the Sussex stopper has performed consistently well over 65 matches as a Test keeper compared to the fourteen in which de Villiers has had the gloves (albeit, in which, he has been outstanding). Prior himself has been tweeting about his run of poor form when playing credit card roulette to see who pays for dinner on tour, not a way of footing a bill perhaps the average fan can empathise with but harmless enough fun for the professional sportsman. He's lost nine out of the last ten, which one imagines has put a substantial dent in his IPL wages lacking wallet, but he shouldn't be too worried. After his efforts at Eden Park - the culmination of an astounding winter - Matt Prior should really never have to buy a drink for himself again.

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The Art of Homework

2013-03-12T23:14:00.001+01:00

Sun Tzu is the Chinese overlord who most readily gets dredged up when it comes to questions of Australian leadership in cricket. The vaunted 6th century BC general's treatise on battle strategy was apparently much beloved by former coach John Buchanan and, perfectly and trend-settingly, slipped under the hotel room door of each member of his 2001 Ashes squad. Absurd as it may have been to equate warfare with cricket, even that tinged with his captain Steve Waugh's love of provoking "mental disintegration" among the opposition, the sentiments rested easily with Australia's 1989-2005 dominance of the then vanquished and pitiful English.

Mickey Arthur, Australia's present coach, has perhaps instead been studying the tactics of another Chinese general, Tan Daoji, who formulated thirty-six stratagems for war. They encompass numerous scenarios of battle but possibly the one held most dear by the former South Africa manager would be the maxim to "Sacrifice the plum tree to preserve the peach tree," or in layman's - that is, Wikipedia's - terms, to accept that, "there are circumstances in which you must sacrifice short-term objectives in order to gain the long-term goal. This is the scapegoat strategy whereby someone else suffers the consequences so that the rest do not." A further illustration is given of this methodology:

"Cao Cao [another esteemed warlord] demonstrated this strategy. During a siege, Cao's supplies ran low so he called in the supply captain and told him to dilute the rice with water to save grains. When the soldiers started to complain, Cao ordered for the captain to be killed. He would explain to his troops that the captain had been selling supplies to the enemy. This raised the army's morale and they were victorious in a few more days."

Referring to the original fruity analogy, Shane Watson - and to a lesser extent Mitchell Johnson, James Pattinson, and Usman Khawaja - are the plum trees in this particular device, but with regard to the example one might suggest Kevin Pietersen feeding the South African enemy in summer 2012 would be the most obvious modern symbol. You have to replace rice with texts to get the feel, but the spectre of Pietersen's misdemeanours undeniably hovers large over the Australian farce. Last summer as now a man who perceives himself bigger than the team ethos is given a slap down, had his plum tree uprooted and burnt on the barbecue of unity. Then, as now, conventional wisdom started to harden in support of the management establishment of the respective side, with a rallying round of support for the bravery of the leader whose peach tree will surely bear fruit in the future. For Giles Clarke it did, but it's a moot point whether it was incompetence or reintegration that brought that about.

Great stock has been placed in the fact this was not an difficult task to undertake for the Australian four: Provide three suggestions on how to improve both your own and the team 's performance - if you can't be bothered to do that then you don't deserve to be playing for your country? This is fanciful. Across the planet talented people, skilled in their field, are asked to submit to the whims of of their managers' ad hoc notions of advancement. Show me an NHS surgeon who believes completing self-assessment forms improves the way they wield a scalpel and I'll show you an empathetic article on race relations by Dean Jones. The gravitas "The Task" has assumed is in inverse proportion to the details of its stipulations, hotel doors, texts and so forth. As any teacher knows, you don't set the most important task for your students to do as homework because some of them, however talented, just simply won't complete it. If something is of great consequence you make them work on it in class - or team meeting - where you can observe them hunched over in quiet concentration. Whether teenagers or cricketers, and there's admittedly a fair mingling of both mindsets in this scenario, if you don't then they'll wander off to do something more interesting - apparently golf in this instance - oblivious of how much it may be to their future detriment. Tut all you want, but this is what students do. Putting them in detention isn't always the best way to then help them pass their exams.

Mickey Arthur has a record of success which doesn't need any patronising, but he's called this one wrong. When Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were arrested and imprisoned for alleged possession of cannabis in 1967, the editor of The Times, William Rees-Mogg - not a man known for his rampant liberalism - quoted Alexander Pope by asking the simple question, "Why break a butterfly upon the wheel?". It was a plea for proportionality in punishment. That Australian four are as unlikely to produce a Pietersen 186 in India as they are to write an better song than Dead Flowers but we'll only know in the next twelve months, as Arthur's own version of England's misguided adherence to team unity plays out, what results his militaristic discipline will bring. Arthur's laudible theory may well be deserving of another Australian dynasty of success, but, in practice, it seems more like he'll be presiding over a field of withered and unpalatable Ashes peaches.

Warne calls for bigger bats for Australians

2013-03-05T09:32:00.001+01:00

After another humiliating display from Australia in India, fresh-faced cadaver Shane Warne has said his nation's batsmen should be given bigger bats when touring the subcontinent. Following hot on the heels of Monday's Part IV of the Warnifesto, where the leg-spinning legend demanded larger stumps with Advanced Hair Studio toupees for bails, his latest installment calls for Phil Hughes and Glenn Maxwell to use "a willow the size of Liz's sex drive so they can deal with balls the way she does!!! LOLZ! #loveLiz."

Waxing lyrical: Warne admits to "losing his wick" with Cricket Australia

"Here is a suggestion from left field that will help our guys," he wrote. "Why not give them bigger bats whenever they face slow bowlers in India? At present the game is so unfairly weighted towards their spinners because they're allowed to bowl at our batsmen that it's just not a good contest for spectators. Failing that, we could just build a shed around Phil Hughes when he walks to the wicket. I'd like to see Ashwin get past that!! LOLZ! #lovesheds."

Warne also criticised captain Michael Clarke's controversial decision to declare on Xavier Doherty in the first innings, blaming it for the left-armer's poor display during India's turn in the middle: ""Nothing beats knowing the captain has faith in you and will back you, as Allan Border did with me when I started. It means a lot, eases your mindset and boosts your confidence. I like Pup, but leaving Xavier stranded just a hundred short of his maiden Test ton was bloody stupid!! LOLZ! #lovePuptho."

Despite a mixed reaction to Warne's latest plan of action, one Australian cricket observer begrudgingly admitted it was "still ten times more sensible than anything John Inverarity's said in the last six months," although Australia's chairman of selectors himself was unavailable for comment as he was too busy scowling at the air and rotating his excuses or, as he put it, displaying "Informed Shambles Management."

Dhoni: The Jowl in the Crown

2013-02-24T22:54:00.001+01:00

As MS Dhoni brought up his maiden Test double hundred on Sunday the top Twitter trending topic in the United Kingdom was #Ndubzmemories. If you're unfamiliar with N-Dubz there's really no reason to change that state of affairs, but just note that the pop trio's lead singer is now known for - among other things - appearing as a judge on X Factor, the show to which MS Dhoni would most likely be matched if English fans were ever asked to compare ITV light entertainment programmes to Indian cricketers.

Dhoni is seen in England as rich, glitzy but lacking in depth, his achievements often dismissed as a triumph of the glossy and brash in meaningless formats. Two IPLs and one Champions League trophy don't really register in the minds of many, mere trivial baubles with as much gravitas as Simon Cowell's implausibly high trousers. The triumph of captaining India to a World Cup is often breezily diminished because of the home location, a criteria for mitigation certainly not equally applied during his captaincy failures on English soil in the 2011 Test series.

Dhoni two-thirds of the way to really trolling Jadeja. #IndvAus
— Pavilion Opinions (@pavilionopinion) February 24, 2013

Dhoni's relationship with N Srinivasan, the BCCI President, his Chennai Super Kings boss and head of the megalith construction company Indian Cements, is rarely noted in any great detail in the English press. His recent appointment as Vice-President of said firm would perhaps, however, be taken as further evidence of his establishment connivance, a cosying up to the head honcho to protect his position through politics rather than performance. It's certainly a rather unusual move - and there's little chance Alastair Cook will ever be made regional manager of Boston Tea Party, ECB chief Giles Clarke's chain of West Country coffee shops - but no one complained about patronage in 15th Century Italy, and what is cricket if not an extension of the Renaissance? Leonardo da Vinci's not the only man famous for his helicopter, after all.

In the last two years, Dhoni has played 77 international matches in all formats and kept wicket and captained in each one. In the last two years, India have at times also been an utter shower. Their generally tranquil skipper has to take some stick for that - as Mike Brearley notes, "calmness can turn into or become a sort of detachment" - but today he made Duncan Fletcher's ever-swelling jowls wobble with delight as the put upon India coach applauded his knock, the highest ever for an Indian number six. So MS Dhoni is not perfect, but he moves Duncan Fletcher to display visceral pleasure. You can't say that about many players. Or, one suspects, N-Dubz.

Shit Cricketers Sing

2013-02-13T16:04:00.001+01:00

"Jessie's Girl” isn't a tune likely to make that many people's Desert Island Discs selection, but this week it emerged as an unlikely saviour in Monty Panesar's attempts to row back the tide of poor performances he endured in 2009. In an interview with the Daily Mail, the now rejuvenated Panesar spoke of how his season playing Sydney Grade cricket with Randwick Petersham a year later had brought him out of his shell and culminated in him singing the Rick Springfield soft rock standard at a Karaoke bar. "I surprised myself that night," Panesar said. “There’s no way I would have done that three years ago. But now? Well, you never know, I might even release a single in a few years’ time.”

Not words for Beyoncé to lose sleep over, perhaps, but you can see a similar confidence in Panesar's tweets recently, and the days when his spin twin Swanny was a charmless bully towards him for not having the requisite banter quality also seem long gone - "Tell us another joke, Monty!" No sod off, Graeme, I'm busy doing an MBA. The Sussex tweaker has also worked with Neil Burns, the former Essex keeper who helped Nick Compton reach the England Test side by making him face a bowling machine in the dark as part of his esoteric but apparently very effective approach to mentoring, a job he does in between staring enigmatically into the middle distance in the manner Mark Nicholas presumably does on hotel balconies.

Neil Burns: Snazzy mentor, snazzy jumper.

The dark is something New Zealand's returning Ian Butler also enjoys. Well, he clearly enjoys the fact it necessitates floodlights, because he was unplayable – or at least unhittable - in his spell under them against England during Monday's Second T20I on a pitch which seemed more lifeless than horse on its way to Tesco's during the home side's innings. He was told he'd never bowl again in 2004 after a series of injuries, a prophecy a desperate England may briefly have wished had materialised. Eoin Morgan, in particular, was rendered helpless against Butler's sparkily-paced nibblers and after already having the England number five dropped, he eventually had his man taken in the deep. It was more a mercy killing than a wicket in all honesty, Morgan having scored just five runs off the 13 balls he faced from the Otago bowler.

High Fives: The world's least acquiescent Butler celebrates

Butler is 31-years-old with a fresh but slightly grizzled face which hints at the physiological strife he's gone through. "My body is 10 times better than when I was 23. I look after it a hell of a lot better now. I try and tell people age is just a number. I still feel I've got four or five years left,” he told the New Zealand Herald with an admirable disregard for the march of time, despite the fact the past decade's injuries have robbed him of about ten of the 150 kilometres per hour he once possessed. It's Ross Taylor who has been feted as the returning hero of Kiwi cricket – a view perhaps based more on the public's judgement of Machiavelli/Murray Hewitt lovechild, Mike Hesson, than his record as captain – but Butler was the joyous comeback kid at Sneddon Park, his miserly nine runs conceded the joint 12^th most economical in history for any bowler who's completed a full four overs in a T20I.

Hot fact: When Ian Botham appeared on Desert Island Discs he chose “I'm still Standing”, Elton John's jaunty tale of defiance in the face of adversity as his must-have song of choice to listen to whilst collecting coconuts and waiting. If you're in a Kiwi karaoke bar in the next couple of months and see a man in a patka duetting on that with a rugged-looking, chirpy native, do applaud their efforts politely. It will probably sound awful, but Panesar and Butler deserve a little sing song.

The Dark Art of Captaincy

2013-02-05T14:06:00.001+01:00

The toss for the first ever Test match between South Africa and Pakistan, held in Johannesburg just over eighteen years ago, was ostensibly a noble affair. The World Cup holders were about to take on the country recently readmitted to the sporting world, with both sides led by an outwardly upstanding, outstanding leader. Sensitive noses could already smell something rotten in the state of Gauteng, however. Discontent had emerged in the Pakistan camp and rumours surrounding the teams' encounters in the recently concluded Mandela Trophy ODI tournament were already starting to waft around the press box. Unlike in this historic first five-dayer, ahead of the two finals of that quadrangular contest the away captain had won the toss in both yet inexplicably chosen to twice bat second. Pakistan lost the matches and ultimately their vice-captain, Rashid Latif, who left the tour enraged and suspicious at his skipper's apparent strategic absurdity. The long road to ignominy for the two men watching the coin flip in the air ahead of that Wanderers match, Salim Malik and Hansie Cronje, was taking another suspicion-laden twist.

The 1995 Test itself would prove unmemorable for the neutral as an exuberant Fanie de Villiers inspired hosts obliterated Pakistan by 324 runs. Neither has this particular match ever been officially cited as dubious, but at South Africa's King Commission into match-fixing in 2000, Cronje testified he was offered $10,000 to throw the first final of that Mandela tournament earlier in Pakistan's tour, as well as tearfully owning up to numerous other instances of corruption. Malik himself denied allegations surrounding the ODI, but was formally charged in relation to it at the Qayyum Commission into his conduct. He was found innocent by way of lack of evidence on this specific charge, but was banned for life on other grounds, not least because the aforementioned Latif became a central figure to Justice Qayyum's investigations, voicing the suspicions - and many others - he'd acted on with his feet five years earlier. In death Cronje - who was tragically killed in a plane crash in 2002 - continues to divide opinion and Malik has recently had his life ban overturned, yet the two captains at the Wanderers back then undoubtedly remain the Crick and Watson of the sport's corrupt genetic mutations, the pioneers who mapped out a path for others' human weakness to follow.

Again in Johannesburg, South Africa and Pakistan have just concluded their nineteenth Test against each other with thankfully very little, if any, thoughts of such malfeasance hanging over the proceedings, not least because of the two captains heading the sides. Graeme Smith led in a Test for the hundredth time - arguments surrounding the status of his skippering of the ICC World XI in 2005 notwithstanding - evincing the same granite understatement with which he's been working the world's bowlers off his hip for the last decade. The man who was too young to lead has now finally seen off the legacy of South Africa's post-Cronje demons the same way he has three England captains. Similarly, and despite his simultaneously eyebrow-raising and eyelid-closing knock in the 2011 World Cup semi-final, Misbah-ul-Haq, the Great Administrator moonlighting as a cricketer, can be credited with Pakistan's return to respectability and beyond in the aftermath of Salman Butt and Co's spot of impropriety in 2010. On the third and fourth days, the veteran with a capacity for graft as vast as his regal nasal cavity gritted away valiantly for over four hours for his 64 but his efforts, alongside the equally stoic Asad Shafiq, were always doomed to failure in the face of Dale Steyn's taser of skills - talents which have now brought as many five-wicket hauls in winning causes as achieved by Hadlee, Lillee and Marshall.

Butt is appealing his ten-year ban. Malik has been angling for a return to international cricket as Pakistan's batting coach, the chutzpah writ as large as his moustache. Recently another protagonist in the Cronje scandal, Henry Williams, claimed he'd lied at the King Commission, his motives and explanations confused and tangled, though potent enough to allow the matter to creep back into the headlines. Cricket's air is still tainted by these and other more contemporary suspicions and another leader in the news had it right when it comes to all sport's hoodlums. From fixated footballers to juiced cyclists to those two at the Wanderers back in 1995, the recently cleansed Richard III sets the standard for all those who seek to deceive the masses in the hunt for self-enrichment:

"And thus I clothe my naked villany

With odd old ends stolen out of holy writ;

And seem a saint, when most I play the devil."

Four hundred years before Cronje and Malik walked out to the middle under the Johannesburg sun, wily old Shakespeare had already recorded their epitaphs.

Obama names Marlon Samuels new Secretary of State

2013-01-22T01:06:00.001+01:00

In a shock move sure to wrong-foot his Republican adversaries, the freshly re-inaugurated President Obama today announced he would be making controversial West Indies bad boy, Marlon Samuels, his new Secretary of State. The position, essential to driving America's foreign policy, had widely been predicted to go to Massachusetts Senator John Kerry following present incumbent Hilary Clinton's decision to step down, but the President changed his mind after hearing the Jamaican batsman's lucid press conference discussing his recent Big Bash altercation with Shane Warne. Having been informed he'd escaped punishment for his involvement in the fracas, Samuels gathered reporters to his hotel and told them: "Cricket's not a war, it's a game. We're here to entertain people … but we're here to show love to one another as well." Pausing only to grow a beard, plant some lentils and move to a commune, the Melbourne Renegades hippie added humbly, "I'm the legend now." President Obama said he had been impressed both with Samuels' strong desire for peace as well as his humility as a man.

Restraint: Samuels hones his diplomatic skills ahead of resuming talks with Iran over their nuclear program.

The move has caused astonishment among many Washington observers but, speaking at his public inauguration ceremony on Monday night, Obama explained why Samuels was his guy: "A lot of people criticise the Big Bash for it's seeming obsession with gaudy innovation at the expense of substance," he said as Michelle nodded in the background. "But I actually think there's been some decent stuff on offer - did you see Kane Richardson's two catches? - and Marlon has been at the heart of that. Sure, he may only have averaged 14.6 with the bat and been involved in that thing with Warnie - er, is it Warnie? Yeah, the one that looks like Joan Rivers - ok, so been involved in that thing with Warnie, but just remember he chose only to throw a large piece of wood at another man's head, not attack him with a gun or make him listen to Rush Limbaugh. It's that sort of clemency and levelheadedness I'm aiming for in my new administration and, if I might say, new America."

When pressed that Samuels not actually being an American might be problematic to his ability to hold such a vital post within the administration, Obama remained bullish: "Well, Henry Kissinger wasn't really an all American boy but he did the job. Marlon might not have that sort of intellect, but he assures me he's got some similarly excellent contacts in Asia, especially if I fancy a few dollars on the Ravens next weekend." When pressed that Samuels having no political experience might be a bar to his effectiveness, Obama coolly pointed out that, "Any man who's dealt with the West Indies Cricket Board is a politician," before indicating he was pleased to see Ronnie Sarwan returning to the ODI squad for the forthcoming tour of Australia after an eighteen month absence.

Back Down Under, the President's decision has been met with a somewhat lukewarm reception, and Warne on his part has remained tight-lipped over the appointment, as well as tight-cheeked and tight-eyebrowed. A spokesman for the ex-Aussie spinner, however, said she wouldn't be commenting because "my Shane has done nothing wrong. Now F**k off!" Samuels is also yet to speak publicly about his new role, although it's hoped he will say he's looking forward to "throwing himself into it" or something along similar lines.

English cricket is better than English football

2013-01-13T23:16:00.000+01:00

This may be a more idiotic idea than leaving your girlfriend in a room with Chris Gayle and a bottle of Hennessy, but winning the World Cup in 1966 was the worst thing that ever happened to English football. It was certainly the worst thing that ever happened to English football for any England fan under fifty. Jolly as it may have been at the time, it allowed us to disregard the lessons of the shattering 1953 defeat at the hands of Puskas and the Hungarians and instead value jingoism over strategy and Lionheartedness over technique - a terrible handicap for the national team which club sides' occasional triumphs in Europe increasingly fail to disguise. I'm not suggesting Alf Ramsey or his boys were lacking in strategy or technique, merely that their victory was long used as a convenient bolster for the more general argument across all parts of the game, from school playing fields to newspapers, that British bulldogs are more likely to win international tournaments than foreign butterflies. The simple fact is that they're not.

It gets a bit weary watching the harem scarem of the Premier League at times, but sitting among and listening to the home support at QPR a couple of weeks ago as their side were taken apart by Liverpool was a sporting botox for me: "These lot don't like it up 'em and we ain't got up 'em at all!"; "Don't be clever!"; "Get rid!"; the collective groans when a full back had no forward option so instead passed the ball backwards. These were a few fans and I know such attitudes are not universal, but hearing this stuff made me think English football had been preserved in jelly since I started watching it twenty-seven years ago - a facade housed within a time machine which drops you in a dispirited, bitter heap every two years at a stop marked "out on penalties in the quarters". This spittle and aggression doesn't just come from within the distraught geezers of Loftus Road and wherever but, more pertinently and worryingly, the parents and coaches who devote so much of their time to supporting youth football in England whilst at the same time, in many cases, spoiling children's enjoyment of it.

I live in the Czech Republic but am English and in the space of two weeks back home in the UK over Christmas - as well as the QPR game - I saw an Under-12s match where the parents' calls from the sidelines (see above) made Sam Allardyce look like an advocate for Tiki-Taka. Worse still, a member of my family said that her own son and several other mothers' had come home from an Under-7s (SEVEN) game in tears because the coach had been such a snarling brute. This is speculation mingled with generalisation, but I just don't think you get that from parents and coaches in Spain or Italy or France, replacing a kid's joy of keeping hold of a football with the fear of being caught in possession of it. I grant you their national side are a tad defensive, but the video below suggests it doesn't look like you get it from parents and coaches in Greece, either.

Arguably, though, parents or paying punters have a right to shout what they like, however much it screws things up for any England fan hoping to witness even a semi-final appearance in a major tournament. It's hard to make that case for football's paid analysts, however, which largely comprise of ex-players like Andy Townsend whose contributions often seem to just entail hinting that foreigners "don't fancy this" and journalists who have an almost sexual smugness because they spoke to 'Arry in the week and 'Arry said this and oh do give it a rest, pal. Nick Knight gets a hard time for his somewhat flimsy observations on cricket which regularly induce awkward silences or chastisement or both from his fellow Sky commentators, but he has the eloquence and insight of Buddha next to the likes of Niall Quinn or Paul Walsh or whoever it is sat next to that other hyperbolic apologist with a microphone, Peter Drury. This show of cliche and delusion is all played out to a backdrop of xenophobic Paddy Power betting adverts quite possibly scripted by Jim Davidson and just as funny as his police charge sheet. Athletico Kebab's country might be hilarious with their poverty and goats, but I'll give you evens they have more possession than England the next time they come to Wembley.

We complain about cricket coverage, but I'd rather listen to Nick Knight analyse his sock drawer than the average football co-commentator.
— Pavilion Opinions (@pavilionopinion) January 13, 2013

The way cricket's TV and internet rights are sold is a stone tablet business in a tablet age, but for all the quibbles about the ECB's deal with Sky or chairman Giles Clarke's Allen Stanford folly, since the English game first shacked up with Rupert Murdoch in the 1990s the governing body has ploughed money into its grassroots and the national side's recent successes - certainly in comparison with the displays of twenty years ago - along with a glut of fine young talent are surely not coincidental to this fact. There are plenty of gags about the two men and a dog who watch County Championship games but at least they get to see the players they watch on wet April afternoons winning international trophies, although it's fair to point out cricket's rather more lax rules concerning a player's international eligibility have served England - or 'South Africa B' as some wags label them - rather well.

We might fret about the power of national boards when it comes to TV revenue, especially in the case of India's BCCI where they now essentially buy their own rights themselves, but it's preferable to have English cricket's power with responsibility than English football's convenient lack of either. Unlike the ECB, the FA can claim they're not culpable for the national side's decline because they don't get the bulk of Sky's riches to spend. The Premier League and its clubs can claim they're not culpable for the national side's decline because it's not their job to care. Those that do, however, have been getting a raw deal from the England team ever since Bobby Moore picked up that bloody trophy forty-seven years ago.

Australia is tetchy.

2013-01-06T21:08:00.000+01:00

For those who’ve come across the seas

We’ve boundless plains to share;

With courage let us all combine

To Advance Australia Fair.

Are these words a) part of the Australian national anthem?, b) what Mark Nicholas has tattooed on the insides of his eyelids?, or c) what Shane Warne wrote in his Christmas card to Marlon Samuels adding only the festive coda, "Fuck you, mate!"?

If you answered "all three" then nice one, you've won a highlights reel DVD of Michael Slater and Ian Healy's frothy banter about surfing interspersed with Ian Chappell speaking sense but sounding more and more like Cliff Clavin from Cheers. If you didn't win you can just tune in the next time Channel Nine cover a Test match to undergo the same experience.

Everyone's tetchy in Australia at present. Matthew Wade's tetchy because he had to throw a ball around Rangana Herath to the bowler's end - admittedly not the easiest thing to do, especially when you insist on keeping your gloves on - and ended up looking like someone hurling spam against a wall instead of an international wicket keeper trying to effect a run out. Shane Warne's tetchy because Marlon Samuels is a sneaky sod who pulled David Hussey's shirt. Samuels is tetchy because Warne threw the ball at him. Warne is now tetchy again because Samuels chucked his bat at him. Ben Cutting, the Brisbane Heat quick and botoxed Alastair Cook lookalike, is so tetchy at Samuels he's prepared to retweet stuff about Marlon bowling with his elbow in the shape of Billy Bowden's finger being the cause of societal breakdown.

Aussie cricketing society is changing, though. It certainly is in the commentary box or KFC Audio Bucket as Nicholas would happily call it. Bill Lawry has gone. Tony Greig has regretfully gone. It can't be too long before Channel Nine demand Richie Benaud dress up as a Zinger Burger whilst flogging a new Vodafone tariff during the luncheon break and the great man goes too. He's increasingly sounding like Plato making a guest appearance on Top Gear, anyway, appalled by the intellectual squalor but occasionally even being dragged down into it. It's horrible, really.

A ray of hope. Masterchef Australia: The Professionals starts on 20 January. Cricketers like Masterchef. Simon Katich was on the celebrity version in 2009. Maybe it will calm everyone down.

Review of 2012: Part 2 - Serious Matters

2013-01-03T15:17:00.000+01:00

There was plenty of levity to be found in cricket in 2012, but it was also tempered with numerous spats, continued wranglings among players and boards, demigod (semi) retirements and tragic deaths, Tom Maynard and Tony Greig notably among them. Here are a few articles from the previous year trying to offer some analysis of both on and off field issues which have caused a bit of contention, controversy and comment.

Jan 13, On Steven Davies, gay rights in the UAE and the ECB/media's silence: Still Stumped by human rights

Jan 20, On England's 3-0 Test defeat in that series: Written in the gold stars? Five reasons Pakistan's win was no shock

Jan 25, On the madness of Stuart Broad's short-pitched strategy: Graphic, not novel - How Lord's did for Broad the enforcer

Feb 17, On Boom Boom's increasingly poor ODI batting performances: Is Afridi still the man to rudder the good ship Misbah?

Feb 25, On South Africa's much maligned batsmen and a plea to give him a chance: Du Plessis at Hanging Rock

Apr 11, On how exclusivity TV deals mean most of the planet can't legally watch cricket: Forget T20. Internet rights are cricket's real Pandora's box

May 10, On corruption in cricket: The Fix and the Honey - a short story about an ICC ACSU officer's last days in the job (I'd be particularly grateful for any feedback on this)

Jun 22, On an alleged spat between Fred and Atherton: Is Flintoff the Beast of Burden or just a Popbitch?

Jul 7, On England's need to reject loyalty: How do you squeeze in Finn?

Aug 7, On the difficulties T20 franchise leagues pose to national boards: On the ECB Titanic, KP is the tip of the Iceberg

Sep 10: On KP leaks and agendas: Pietersen Media Watch - Nineties cheese and Baby bells

Oct 10, On the dangers of officials being celebrities: Umpires with agents - 10% more chance of corruption?

Nov 14, On newly declassified cabinet office papers revealing some cricketing geopolitical tensions: The 1bn pound Indian steel contract which kept Thatcher government out of 1981 tour apartheid row

Dec 4, On Punter's retirement and more on England's misplaced loyalty: Bye Fidelity! The lessons England can learn from Ponting's Adelaide blitz

Dec 23, On the saddest semi-goodbye: So long, Sachin. I hardly knew you...

Thanks to all who took the time to read Pavilion Opinions last year.

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Review of 2012: Part 1, Satirical Slashes

2012-12-27T23:11:00.000+01:00

If you're already bored with the Shane Watson fitness DVD your Auntie bought you for Christmas, here's a chronological selection of satirical efforts from the past twelve months written for both Pavilion Opinions and Alternative Cricket (AC). I can't pretend they're as funny as the time Mark Nicholas forgot to cover his crotch with his clipboard when interviewing Michael Clarke, but I hope they'll jog some memories about a few of the controversies which have visited the game in 2012. I'll put together a collection of more serious posts tomorrow.

_______________________________

FEB 5, On the BCCI sponsorship crisis: Mitt Romney to sponsor Team India

FEB 9, On the cricket ramification's of Fabio's sacking (AC): Fabio Capello Takes Over As India Coach; ‘Over The Moon’ To Be Working With Jadeja

FEB 22, On pirate streams and Giles Clarke: ECB vow to 'unleash hell' on fans drinking non-Buxton water

MAR 9, On Rahul's end (AC): Dravid to retire from Tests to focus on T20s

APR 26, On Sachin as an MP: Ponting 'to retire and run for Pope'

MAY 15, On corruption, sloth and no balls: IPL fix scandal - Munaf denies deliberately bowling legal delivery

MAY 24, On freedom of Tweet speech: ECB clampdown: Pietersen to bat in Rebekah Brooks' Leveson dress after Knight comments

JUN 17, On Texan Billionaire downfalls: Stanford in jail. Cricket reacts...

JUL 16, On KP's contract demands: Pietersen promises full England return if allowed to participate in India vs Pakistan ODI series

AUG 27, On ECB leaks and naked Vegas pool parties: Prince Harry slams England dressing room's "shocking lack of discretion"

SEP 6, On Flintoff's Boxing career and Helena Bonham Carter: Fred's Fight Club

SEP 29, On running into the wickets: Help for Steve Finn. Introducing the all new Piers Morgan Stumps!

OCT 2, On Lindsay Lohan's lessons for KP and the ECB: England are Mean Girls

OCT 13, On the death of Deccan chargers, KP, and Team Unity: ECB cancel Delhi Daredevils franchise

OCT 30, On Dubai Tinkering: Those new ICC Playing conditions in full

NOV 6, On the US election (AC): Obama vs Romney - The Consequences for World Cricket

NOV 29, On the Leveson Report's implications for Team Integration: Pietersen Report calls for Statutory Regulation of Derek Pringle

DEC 13, On Kiwi captaincy crises and Sherminator's pre-Nagpur struggles: Bell burns his bat in protest at treatment by Indian bowlers.

So long, Sachin. I hardly knew you...

2012-12-23T18:26:00.000+01:00

God knows it can't be easy to step into the blurry space beyond 23 years of crystal international cricket. It must be even harder when you naturally wanted to leave with your bat raised in triumph rather than swishing away the vultures circling tentatively but in ever greater numbers around your head. You still might if you can rouse yourself into one last wave of special in the upcoming Tests against Australia, but don't fret too much on that. The hero's farewell only matters for the moment it happens. It rarely comes to be remembered for how it was prolonged or foreshortened, it just becomes the point to start remembering. Even as his greatest fan, I doubt even you recall the night in 1992 when your own teen idol hung up his tennis racket without fanfare after a humdrum defeat in Germany. You just recall John McEnroe's genius, from his improbable deftness to the headbands you were so desperate for your parents to buy so you could wear them in pugnacious tribute.

Your photo ruined creativity in Indian advertising for many years, but a thousand bowlers preferred to see you staring down from a billboard instead of staring back at them whilst your peerless on drive whizzed past their hapless ankles and they wondered what hellish nonsense cricket had become. The early Old Trafford salvage and the Perth salivation prodded those abroad in the ribs as they woke up on the couch to find your genius had sneaked into bed with their girlfriends. The Shoaib upper cut and the Caddick pull made everyone laugh and shake their heads at the comic futility of containment. Warne was once called a balloon who should deflate himself and in Chennai you stuck pins in his psyche until even that infinite self-belief had gone pop. You owned Sharjah and the 2003 World Cup until McGrath proved just too fated, and, though you again stumbled in the 2011 final, your team mates still picked you up and carried you on their shoulders, knowing that you had played Atlas to them and so many of their predecessors for so long.

I still don't quite understand who you are, though you were candid, beaming and impish in interviews, with hair that got better with age and never the credit it deserved. You laughed and twinkled, yet somehow intrusion never quite got through your gate the way balls bowled ten years ago never would have but do now. When you scored your fiftieth Test ton you said it was only a number and, though I became one of the vultures who wanted you to go sooner, who among us should doubt it wasn't the numbers which kept you staggering on towards the hundredth overall, but rather the desire to carry on the magnificent routine of providing meaning for yourself and your billion dependents for just a few months more. Even now you've outmanoeuvred us all again with a semi-exit, another cute piece of footwork to go with all the rest.

We'll await what those Tests in February and March bring, whether more of your recent angst and misjudgments or a final deity surge to top it all off. I'll desperately be hoping it's the latter but the expectancy has gone, as it has for large amounts of your public and, perhaps now, even yourself. When you were young, you fought like a cat with other kids to the extent your father checked you for bruises while you slept. It's no surprise, then, you wanted to fight a little longer to play the game you had pinned in its corner for so long. But you can stop fighting now, Sachin Tendulkar. Take off the headband and put down your racket. You've won, Sir. My, how you've won.

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For more Sachin love and nostalgia, have a listen to our latest podcast dedicated to the great man. If you like it, you can subscribe in iTunes.

Bell burns his bat in protest at treatment by Indian bowlers

2012-12-13T18:43:00.000+01:00

Shortly after ex-Kiwi star Martin Crowe protested Ross Taylor's sacking by setting fire to his New Zealand Test blazer, another incident of what is already being termed "Crimation" occurred on Thursday when Ian Bell reportedly burnt his bat in protest at "the completely unacceptable treatment I've received at the hands of India's bowlers throughout this tour".

Twisted Firestarter: Team mates moved quickly to hide the Kerosene upon Bell's dismissal

Averaging just fourteen from three innings, the England number five has endured a torrid time on the subcontinent and confessed that today's torching was not the first occasion he had considered resorting to such action in response to the "intolerable deviousness" of India's feared attack: "After I was lured into playing that shot at Ahmedabad I was livid with Pragyan Ojha. No one seemed to say anything about his behaviour but the sly way he just lobbed up a length delivery for me to scoop to mid-off made me want to take a candle to one of my gloves. Of course, I didn't - I just did that funny thing I do with my top lip instead - but after the underhand ball from Ishant in Kolkata which he duped me into wafting through to Dhoni, I knew things were going to come to a head. I sat on the balcony and held a magnifying glass over my thigh pad and waited for that sweet-smelling slightly plasticky smoke which makes it all better. It was only when Matt Prior intervened - he's good at putting out fires - that I realised the madness of what I was doing. I could hold off my pyrolust for so long, however, and getting out to, I can barely say it, Piyush Chawla just proved too much. I needed to burn willow."

Those within the upper echelons of the game are becoming increasingly worried that the trend is turning into an epidemic after further instances of "Cri-mations" were reported during the same Nagpur Test match. Perhaps most surprisingly, England captain Alastair Cook, whilst uncharacteristically angered after receiving a somewhat dubious lbw decision, is alleged to have joined the fiery craze by building a bonfire out of his pads in the shape of Kumar Dharmasena, dousing it in petrol and then throwing a lit fag towards it. Medical experts remain baffled by the behavior, but believe this is not even the first "umpyre" to have been set ablaze this year after the burnt out remains of what looked suspiciously like a Rod Tucker mask were found near Jacques Kallis's barbecue back in August.

Last night, ICC head Alan Isaac vowed to act quickly to stop the spread of "Crimation" by insisting that all international cricketers will be fitted with sprinkler systems to be triggered automatically whenever an unnecessarily hot-headed tantrum is detected. "We realise this may make Sturt Broad's life a little bit soggy from time to time," he said. "But the health and safety of players is absolutely paramount."

Bye, Fidelity! The lessons England and Flower can learn from Ponting's Adelaide blitz

2012-12-04T14:24:00.003+01:00

Ricky Ponting's curmudgeonly little legend face grimaced for the last time on a cricket field this week as he bowed out at the WACA with eight more than Don Bradman managed in his final innings but substantially less than he would have wanted. He was welcomed to the wicket by an appropriate guard of honour from the South African side and swept off it by a tide of admiration and gratitude which, as throughout his career, threatened to spill over into love but never quite did. Tributes have similarly bobbed along in the last week - the sheer weight of stats and nostalgia testament to the might of the Tasmanian with his 2003 World Cup final last ten overs obliteration of India and 156 at Old Trafford both receiving plenty of masochistic love from opponent fans. The one innings which to my mind most waterboarded English hopes, however, was his 142 in Adelaide in 2006, a knock which has over time become slightly lost in the general unspeakable horror of that match for England fans. In particular, the significance of Ponting's efforts have been inevitably obscured by the role of Shane Warne, who sucker-punched Andrew Flintoff's hapless charges in their second innings and inflicted one of the most emasculating Ashes defeats in history.

It wasn't perhaps his most assured or stylish display, nor against the most potent or motivated attack - despite Matthew Hoggard's in retrospect astounding 7-109 - but Ponting navigated his side from 8-1 to 257-4, laying the foundations for Clarke, Hussey and Gilchrist to bring England's easily clogged minds within range of Warne's psychological cholesterol. The tourists still emerged with a slight first innings lead, but unlike throughout the 2005 Ashes, England didn't have the strength to seize back the initiative. Punter had broken them on the wheel just when they believed they themselves had Australia on the rack.

Where Punter's knock and that match relates to England's present side is that Ashley Giles, their newly appointed ODI and T20 coach, actually put Ponting down when he was on 35, a drop which rivals Herschelle Gibbs's 1999 World Cup effort in the pantheon of disastrous consequence. It wasn't merely the nature of the fumble, however, or its repercussions for the match, but the fact the Warwickshire stalwart was playing at all given the clamour for England to reintroduce their new wunder-tweeker, Monty Panesar, for that Second Test after the promising start he'd made since debuting - and scalping Tendulkar - in India earlier that year. As a result, coach Duncan Fletcher and Giles himself - having both in differing ways been so instrumental in dragging English cricket out of the gutter during the previous eight years - were subject to personal vitriol which was entirely unjustified but nevertheless an expression of the frustration of England fans who felt Fletcher's loyalty to the tried and tested had become staid rather than honourable. In Adelaide, Giles actually scored an unbeaten 27 at number eight in England's first innings and went for only 2.45 an over in Australia's - as ever doing the job his coach Fletcher had for so long entrusted him with - but that drop proved too much even for Fletcher's fidelity to endure and ended the "King of Spain's" career. Panesar came in for the next Test at Perth and took a five-for in Australia's first innings which, while doing nothing to prevent the first Ashes whitewash for 86 years, at least justified Fletcher's eventually decision to mistrust his natural instincts.

Choosing loyalty over expediency has been a trait which has served Andy Flower incredibly well during his time as England coach, but not in the last year. Stuart Broad has equally served England very commendably in his 52 Tests and even, with a perhaps unlikely 40, taken the fourth highest number of wickets in the world this year. He is surely too distinguished a natural talent - despite the barbs his fondness for moisturisers and foot-stamping often invite - not to take many, many more in the future. For now, though, struggling on the subcontinent as his once miscast enforcer undeniably is and always has, Flower surely has to look at his opposite number in the Indian camp, then look at Steve Finn chomping at the bit like Ponting about to launch a swivel-pull, and ponder the lessons of Adelaide and Perth 2006 when he chooses the England side to walk out at Eden Gardens on Wednesday.

Pietersen Report calls for statutory regulation of Derek Pringle

2012-11-29T20:45:00.000+01:00

Shockwaves reverberated through the cricketing establishment on Thursday as the much awaited "Pietersen Report" into press standards was released. After a lengthy four-month enquiry following the Headingley text message scandal, the report's author, Kevin Pietersen, concluded that the present media regulatory system - whereby people compete to tweet the wittiest and most damning comment about Michael Henderson - was "wholly unsatisfactory", with the flamboyant England batsman also putting forward a number of far-reaching proposals for the future conduct of newspapers' cricket correspondents, most notably that Piers Morgan will have copy approval for "anything anyone writes about me."

The report additionally advocates that Morgan should take over from Andrew Miller as Cricinfo's UK editor in a move welcomed by anyone near a television in America, but described by a Kolkata nurse tending to senior correspondent George Dobell as, "He really can't talk now. Not until the Valium wears off." Other reaction has been similarly mixed with Stuart Broad angrily denying the report's conclusion he was behind the embarrassing "StuartBroad8" Twitter account and Derek Pringle also hinting he will "strongly resist" the proposed statutory requirement for him to "always wear oven gloves whilst typing". Furthermore, some seasoned media observers have criticised Pietersen's recommendations, claiming they could kill off a free cricket press, a charge given greater weight when the BCCI put out a statement condemning the proposals as "a bit on the heavy-handed side."

Commissioned in a mild panic by the ECB back in August, the report looked at the aftermath of the "textgate" scandal when Pietersen was accused of "not being born in Surrey" and undermining team spirit by taking a century off the world's best bowling attack. He was also alleged to have sent several derogatory messages to opposition players about captain, Andrew Strauss, but on this point Pietersen fully exonerated himself of all charges, instead finding that "my phone was hacked by Morne Morkel using a sophisticated technique developed by News of the World journalists in the late nineties which involves his phone receiving an SMS from my phone when I send him an SMS."

Responding to the 2,000-page document, David Collier immediately apologised for saying something which embarrassed everyone, but speaking from India, Pietersen defended his recommendations and explained the deliberations he'd gone through in the last few months: "You know, it was tough writing this report - Swanny kept putting Pritt Stick on my laptop keys - but I believe I've come up with a set of proposals which are harsh but fair. I'm fortunate to have learnt from the best about second chances and what sort of society we should live in and how the press can integrate into that vision. People can rest assured Lawrence Booth isn't going to be dragged off to a gulag run by Nick Knight for three years to learn how to copy his sentence structure just because he writes something negative about me. Well, not the first time, anyway."

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Bridgetown and Brutality

2012-11-25T15:30:00.001+01:00

Home may be where the heart is, but it's an away win against the odds which truly stirs the soul. England came into this match being written off in all quarters and given less chance of levelling the series than Stuart Broad has of appearing in the the Third Test. At Ahmedabad they were down and out, usually in the most insipid or infuriating fashions to the wiles of Ashwin and Ojha, the latter of whom was available at a generous 9/2 to be top wicket taker in the series, odds considerably shorter than those offered for England to win it. After that sullen defeat, even England's troubled vice captain didn't have the stomach for the platitudes about "taking the positives", though it should be remembered he's had plenty in his career so far, regardless of the brickbats which constantly bounce off his religiously well-groomed head. A little rest to rediscover both his pace and his poise will surely be beneficial for him and the team in the long run.

England have been hard to love this year. Their results - seven defeats in twelve matches - have been ugly, but still made to look like Scarlett Johansson in comparison to the off field squabbles surrounding Kevin Pietersen. The management may have been stolid and inflexible in their team selection and approach, but Flower, Gooch and Saker have been yoga personified when weighed against the rigidity and mental disintegration to be found within the ECB itself throughout the KP affair. The way in which Pietersen has seemingly been accepted back into the fold so seamlessly illustrates the folly of both the players themselves - England's joint highest century maker included - back in the summer and the pompous piety of Giles Clarke and David Collier. Unless we are doing a massive disservice to the behind the scenes counselling work which has gone on, the entire furore increasingly appears to have been little more than group of colleagues involved in a dispute about working hours and pay scales on top of the usual spats, allegiances and bitchy texts which afflict any workplace. Just because, or indeed especially because, the ECB has its staffing policies open to the scrutiny of the wider public was no reason for them to be as reactionary and knee-jerk as some of the puerile and borderline racist articles written about Pietersen at the time.

The essential masochism of being an England fan of a certain age is a theme almost as well-worn on this blog as Broad's positive-taking, but it nevertheless remains true that many of us need to be brutalised before we can love. Clinical success is viewed with suspicion, failure with almost relief as it affords the chance for the gallows cynicism which got us through the dark days of Aftab Habib and Imran Tahir inspiration, Ian Salisbury. For that reason, the 1994 win in Bridgetown after losing the first three matches of that series and being all out for 46 in the previous Test remains one of England's most poignant displays, perhaps closely followed by the still bewildering triumph of Adelaide the following year. On those occasions, nothing whatsoever was expected from the dregs of the then set-up's chaos, and so the results were all the sweeter. After the Abu Dhabi debacle a chase of anything over a hundred may yet prove perilously nerve-shredding, but tomorrow Alastair Cook's men should deliver a victory to rank among England's most unforeseen and finest on the road.

England to give India ODI series a miss

2012-11-20T20:45:00.001+01:00

After a disappointing display in the First Test in Ahmedabad, it was today announced that the increasingly bedraggled England side would be sitting out the ODI series against India in January. Citing fears of burnout due to their packed schedule of international defeats, the ECB further suggested that "the unbearably smug look on Ravi Shastri's face" was also a factor in choosing not to subject the team to a repeat of the 2011 pasting.

Initial reports had hinted that only coach Andy Flower would be rested for the five-match series early next year, ostensibly to allow him time to recuperate from his heavy workload as well as come up with several more ways to keep Tim Bresnan in the side without anyone noticing. However, after fans' worst fears were realised about the hopeless task Alastair Cook's men face throughout their Indian tour, ECB chairman Giles Clarke today stepped in to confirm that England would now not be fielding a side for the ODI leg.

Sheer relief: An overjoyed Stuart Broad reacts to the news he won't be bowling to Virat Kohli in January

Speaking from Michael Atherton's portable outside broadcast unit in the Wankhede Stadium car park, Clarke said that after a tour already beset by injuries, poor form and what he termed "Ian Bell's reckless, lusty excesses both on and off the pitch", he and chief executive David Collier had come to the conclusion that it would be in the best interests of players, coaches and supporters if England just cut their losses and had a few weeks off after Christmas:

"After conducting a thorough analysis of the side's recent performances in all three formats, David and I have decided that it would just be better all round if we rested the team during the forthcoming ODIs. I mean, let's be honest, I think we all know what's going to happen and Ladbrokes have already told me England's odds to take the series remain unchanged despite our announcement. By giving the players some time off in January it will help them better prepare for the seam attacks and green tops they'll face in New Zealand, which the last couple of years have shown are the true Achilles heel in English cricket. Sometimes you just have to acknowledge your weaknesses."

Although news of the decision has prompted anger and disappointment in some quarters, most notably from the Indian middle order, vice captain Stuart Broad stressed that avoiding a soul-crushing defeat would allow England to "take a massive positive" and claimed Ian Botham - who had also voiced concern that refusing to play against better teams was a bit counterproductive - had "never won anything, can't bowl as fast as me and was 'pretty average' at Fifa."

EXCLUSIVE: The £1bn Indian steel contract which kept Thatcher government out of 1981 England tour apartheid row

2012-11-14T23:33:00.000+01:00

The controversy which preceded England's 1981-82 tour of India has been well-documented but, in short, it arose after two of the named touring party, Geoffrey Boycott and Geoff Cook, had previously played cricket in South Africa, possibly but not explicitly in contravention of the Gleneagles Agreement between Commonwealth countries not to engage in sporting activities with the then apartheid-governed nation. The Indian government's objections to the pair's inclusion in the England squad created a bitter stand-off which threatened to see the six-match series cancelled before it had begun, an outcome which in hindsight may not have been entirely undesirable given the grinding nature of India's 1-0 victory. However, although the dispute was resolved, previously confidential cabinet papers from Margaret Thatcher's time in office, released under the thirty year rule, show how wary the British government was of becoming involved in the impasse, and not least because of a recently signed one billion pound steel contract in India which, the documents state, was personally lobbied for by the prime minister herself.

On other colonially-tinged occasions before and after when cricket and politics have collided, such as the D'Oliveira affair in 1968 and the Harare furore during the 2003 World Cup, the British government has faced a similarly precarious position. In the former case, it is believed the MCC were put under implicit political pressure not to pick D'Oliveira to tour South Africa, and in the latter the explicit public intervention of the Blair government in calling on England not to play in Mugabe-led Zimbabwe left the then captain, Nasser Hussain, with a deeply unfair Sophie's choice between his responsibilities as a sportsman and his personal integrity. The below documents reveal how during the 1981 dispute the Foreign Secretary at the time, Lord Carrington, warned his cabinet colleagues not to intervene publicly for fear of upsetting the Indian government and by extension, "Britain's many interests at stake in India and not least the steel contract on which the Lord Privy Seal had reported to the Cabinet on 24 September". Speaking at a meeting chaired by Mrs Thatcher on 20 October of that year ahead of the scheduled start of the tour, the official record shows how concerned Carrington was about jeopardising this contract and stressed that "it would be important for members of the Government to avoid public comment on the issue as far as possible.":

Secret: An abridged list of attendees for the cabinet meeting of 20 October 1981

Concern: In the same document Lord Carrington outlines the nature of the dispute and advises caution to colleagues when speaking publicly

The official report of that previous Cabinet meeting of 24 September records in more detail the huge sum tied up in the contract the British government were understandably keen to protect:

Confidential: The Lord Privy Seal informs the Thatcher Cabinet about the £1bn contract on 24 September 1981

That the Thatcher government attempted to negotiate this issue on a realpolitik basis is perhaps unsurprising, but these records - now freely available to the public - do show that the legacy of Davy McKee Ltd is to offer us an insight into the quagmire of racial, political and commercial machinations which national boards, ministers and individual players found themselves wading through during this fraught period of cricket's history before the readmittance of post-apartheid South Africa in 1991. It has always been a dangerous conceit to suggest sport and politics shouldn't mix. These Cabinet papers show once more how it is also a wholly unrealistic one.

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Test Cricket, an Organic Being

2012-11-09T00:56:00.000+01:00

Ed Smith, for better or worse, is a regular source of inspiration for this blog. In his and returning Test cricket's honour, I've made a line from his most recent musings (on the BCCI's doings) into a poem. I know poems on cricket blogs are a dubious business, but I've tried to hide within this one, badly via homophones or homonyms in most instances, the names - first, second and nick - of twelve cricketers likely to play in the Australia vs South Africa series. So, yes, find the twelve #AUSvSA cricketers in an Ed Smith-inspired poem about Test cricket.

Live in-play update: One isn't in his side's playing XI.

Test Cricket, an Organic Being

Test cricket, an organic being.

Its stain removed, with flowers freer,

A sacred cow, an edifying,

Force of nature still undone.

That urn, a yearn, a fathering.

As heaven's stark redress inswings.

Historic force, enlightening.

Its petals warn our squalor.

Astute the souls who open wide,

Absorb its multitudinous tides,

Of new ball taken, reverse wiles.

A more collective mourning.

Woolloongabba seethes and festers,

Haydenises new ball questers,

Remove me not from this idyll,

Until the punt, erstwhile, is fell.

The callous line in which we shack,

Beyond the oft so stumping thwack,

Of modern hit and giggle clerks,

Ha! Shimmering, sweet violence.

All veer, oh, now, the litmus nears,

a bee which buzzes with our cheers,

Test cricket, what a joyous fear,

To hear and see its splendour.

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Those New ICC Playing Conditions in full

2012-10-30T14:16:00.001+01:00

Press release, Dubai:

The new playing conditions for Tests, One-Day Internationals (ODIs) and Twenty20 Internationals (T20Is) will come into effect with the series between Sri Lanka and New Zealand when nobody is looking. Out of respect for the two sides we have given them one full day to familiarise themselves with the changes.

The amendments have been approved by the ICC Board following proposals made by the ICC Cricket Committee at its meeting in London in May. Hopefully people will say this process reflects some sort of cohesive decision-making structure.

TEST MATCHES (only)

Day/night Tests

Participating countries may agree to play day/night Test matches. The home and visiting boards will decide on the hours of play which will be six hours of scheduled play per day while the two boards will also decide on the precise brand, type and colour of ball to be used for the match. Umpires shall abide by those decisions, but under no circumstances shall Asad Rauf be expected to officiate with blue balls. Appropriate sources of relief shall be provided by the home board from local university campuses.

Intervals

Should Virender Sehwag and Samit Patel be involved in an entire session simultaneously, any lunch or tea interval may be extended to two hours in the event of tailbacks in the buffet queue.

ONE DAY INTERNATIONALS (Only)

Powerplays and fielding restrictions

Instead of three, there will be two blocks of Powerplays. There are some further details about this but as nobody really gives a monkey's members of the fielding side should just ask the on-field umpire if they are standing in the right place.

Short-pitched deliveries

Law 42.6 (a) has been amended as: "A bowler shall be limited to two fast short-pitched deliveries per over.” After taking submissions from England fans everywhere, for the particular case of Stuart Broad the law shall read thus: “A bowler shall be limited to two trundling short-pitched deliveries and one teapot per over.”

T20 INTERNATIONALS (Only)

One Over Per Side Eliminator

The following changes have been made to Appendix 7 which deals with One Over Per Side Eliminator (OOPSE):

Cricinfo will bloody well put up a full scorecard for any super over which takes place, not just say who won. In return, the ICC will find a much less wet acronym than OOPSE.

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NB This article has been chopped and fiddled with since its original publication, ironically making it more representative of the ICC's approach to ODIs.

Playing to the Gallery: An Artists XI

2012-10-24T21:28:00.000+02:00

"Is sport an art?" asked Ed Smith today in his whimsical way. I'm not quite sure what his answer was in the end, but he does gently suggest that, "If you take only one thing from this article, listen, as I am doing now, to Richard Strauss' Four Last Songs - true Late Style." Maybe later with the Late Style, but as I'm more of an Andrew rather than Richard man such lofty notions are probably a bit beyond me, so instead here's an Artists XI based on filthy, smutty puns.

Pollock: Some members of the South African side found Shaun's DIY innings worm a bit tricky to follow

1. Sunil Degaskar - left a lasting impression.
2. Mark Waughhol - the silky Prince of our Screens for many years.
3. Donatello Bradman - brought great relief to millions of Australians.
4. Salman Butt - not technically a pun, but has an obsessive love of Monet.
5. Steve Waughtercolour (c) - repainted the cricketing landscape.
6. Sourav Gauguinguly - also a keen follower of Dadaism.
7. Kapil De Vinci - possibly the greatest all-rounder in history; his famous helicopter design was recently brought back into fashion by MS Dhoni.
8. Shaun Pollock - keen proponent of abstract Duckworth Lewisism.
9. Michelangelo Mathews - soon to enjoy a renaissance as T20 captain.
10. Darren van Gough - loves endangering batsmen's ears.
11. Eddie "Rem" Brandt - every time he paints a picture of your wife she gives him a biscuit.

I think we'd see some lovely strokes from that side, but feel free to brush up on my efforts in the comments (especially if you can think of a specialist keeper).

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