The one and only.

2015-01-05T17:46:00.001-08:00

Divorce for two.

2014-09-15T20:25:00.001-07:00

Divorce for two.

He texted me...

"I want a divorce" before I completed the sentence I threw my phone across the room. I put my hands over my face and took two breaths and picked back up the phone.

I was not even home when I received the message. I had ran to my friends house to hang out. I left that house in a daze. I went to taco bell and bought 12 tacos. I then headed home to the man who for 6 years of my life i had taken care of even then bringing him dinner. We sat there two adults. We ate our tacos and discussed the divorce. We laughed, I cried but ultimately we ended it right then, right there. The day was March 23, 2014.

I immediately hit rock bottom. I wanted to get fucked up so I could not feel any pain. I wanted to feel nothing. I needed to numb my pain. I stayed that way for weeks. In that time I met some really cool people. My new life is anything but fabulous. In fact I'm always broke. Every dollar I made goes somewhere. I just sit around most days. I sing, I write, I watch movies. The same stuff I did with my ex-husband. The only difference is this time I am actually alone being lonely.

Tiny Apartment.

2014-09-15T20:16:00.001-07:00

Tiny Apartment

www.google.com/images

It has been 6 months since my husband asked for a divorce. In 6 months time I feel so much has changed. As I sit here in my new tiny apartment I am drinking coffee while sitting on my new wooden bench. The sun peaks through the blinds reminding me the sun is now up and I am still awake. There is no rest for the wicked.

My apartment has charm. It is small but I have made it my own. I hate clutter there is no clutter. There is an open concept throughout the living room and kitchen which I love because I can make dinner and still hang out with my daughter. The kitchen is nice. I do not spend a whole lot of time in there though. I have two favorite parts of my kitchen. The first is above the sink. There is a window. When I wash dishes I get lost looking at the view. It is not much of a view but it is mine. My second favorite thing about my kitchen is right above that very window. It is a gorgeous light fixture. I call it my chandelier.

The living room is eclectic. My couch was left here from the last tenants. The entertainment system is my landlords. Now that I think about it the only thing that is mine is the guitar and the family photos. The whole apartment has the most beautiful hardwood floors. I like to say they are "blond". They are hard to clean but I still enjoy them.

My bedroom is small but it has ME throughout it. It is mostly black with pops of colors. An abbey road poster hangs carelessly on the wall. The room itself may be small but my closet is anything but small. I have a wall of shoes.

Marilyn hangs in every single room.

Is it my home??? Will it ever be home??

Death of a Millennium.

2014-04-30T20:44:00.003-07:00

This world is full of people, all kinds of people. They can be good or bad. They can be many things. Some of those things can be unseen. It is only when you look very close, almost to the surface when they start to appear for who they are. I have learned that I am not good at seeing people for what they are. They could be disguised as my best friend and I would remain impervious. I am trying really hard to find a few people who actually care about me outside of moms and stuff that doesn't count, they are partial.

I will keep looking but I am becoming bitter well more bitter than I was before. Today is the eve of my 25th birthday. I have not had a good day. I am starting to think I am one of those people who have horrible birthdays! I guess I can roll with that. I can not believe how incredibly terrible my day has been. There were a few good moments with my daughter. We memorized her lines for her school play. Her old mom here (that is me) totally taught her some of my old acting secrets. She looked at me and said

"mom, I must become my character! I AM A METEOROLOGIST!"

I honestly say that part of my day was pretty great! I taught her about projection. When I was in high school my theather teacher would sit in the back row and scream PROJECTION!!!! If she could not hear you from the back row you weren't loud enough! My daughter and I just laughed every time I yelled it. I taught her how to become that character and she loved the idea. She kept saying she could be fun! It was fun.

As I was saying... People have recently surprised me. I have found hate in a few I never imagined to exist. Then out of the most darkest unknown places people giving me love and support unimaginable. I feel like my world is turned upside down. I am not going to let people tell me what to do anymore. I do not mean that in a juvenile way either. I am still going to abide by MOST of the laws and be a decent person.

I meant it in the way that when I was younger I was taught to obey, and I did. Then one day in my teenage years I began to question any authority. I did not understand why people just obeyed. You could say I was a rebel. I remember spray painting rock against Bush! on my bedroom wall. When I became a mother I lost most of that spark. I found it best to just obey again. I figured as long as I maintain my opinion on things I could easily tame myself down...if only a little. It isn't authority I have the problem with anymore. I have a problem with people. I take a lot from them. I smile though all of it and I cannot do that anymore.

So Today on the eve of my birthday I am hitting my reset button. I am done taking crap from people. I cannot be put inside a box and told what to do for one more second. This is my life and I am in control. I am going to surprise the hell out of myself. So here goes!

Goodbye Kelly Edwards!
You were fun, smart, almost fancy...not quite, put together and most of all docile!
You are not going to be that way anymore! You are tenacious, brilliant, and most of all wild! You are a fucking phoenix, wounded but still here!

Fuck Everyone!
=) Kelly Rose.

Life is...

2014-04-11T00:01:00.003-07:00

Life is crazy...

I never imagined I would be who I am today, or where to be honest. I use to always tell people I would live in this town and be proud to someday call it my home. I am here now and the nostalgia has worn off. I use to have this poster of the car I drive hanging on my wall. I glorified it. I would just stare at it all day hoping to one day hop in and take the top down and cruise the world. The world doesn't work like that though does it? You can cruise it alright but you gotta check with the boss man first.

I imaged myself famous somewhere married to Lance Bass. I literally thought we would be married. I sure can pick em! I grew up in the country. I longed for city life. I would be able to walk anywhere if I had somewhere, anywhere to go. I instead walked through woods and dirt roads that never lead to anywhere.

My mother worked a lot growing up. I was always with my brothers and sister, or alone. When I was alone I remember walking out to the mailbox. I could feel the sun burning my long legs as I strutted out to see if any of my baby sitters club books had come in yet. I remember wishing some cute young boy my age would drive by right as he was conveniently moving next door... but no. I guess I've always been a little boy crazy.

That same young girl climbed trees and watched birds. I would watch the birds fly away and dream that someday I could do the same... but Lance Bass never showed up to take me away, no one did. I left at 17 with a baby girl and not one dream left but to be the best mom I could.

Life is funny...

I thought things had gotten better but I am still that little girl. I long for better than what I have.

Kelly Rose

Facade.

2014-04-06T18:40:00.003-07:00

Who do you think you are

Running over me

What kind of girl do you take me for

Do not think I will not leave

We can sit and talk all day

about everything that is done

But we both know

No good will ever come

I keep this facade

It consumes me

I can not tell the difference

between my dreams and reality

I actually wrote this song a few years ago. I randomly sing it in my head from time to time. I have not ever written it down though. It is one of my favorites. So I decided to share with you guys. I hope you enjoy it.

Writing helps.

2014-04-01T21:33:00.000-07:00

Hello World.

This week has forced me to open my eyes to the world I shut off for so many years. It has forced me to also see myself and I didn't like who looked back at me. People tell me all the time how confident I appear and I like to think I have great confidence but not this week. I was too low to feel anything other than my constant fear.

I've never been so scared... Well maybe once before. I was scared shitless when I was in labor with my daughter. That same sense of uncertainty rushed over me. I didn't know if I was going to be a good mother, I didn't know if I could take care of a child at all. I was 17 years old. I didn't let my fear get to me. I picked it right up and kicked ass! So maybe that is what I have to do this time.

I've been extremely stupid this week. I wanted to play this part of being that person who just says yes! Well turns out that being that person sucks. I am not that kind of person and the sooner I realize I'm not 19 years old again. I never really was a normal 19 year old. I can't go back... why even try? There was nothing great about being young, drunk, and well just fucked up in general....nothing.

There is something about being free that makes you go a bit crazy. I wanted to get out there and I found that the world is full of people who are literally trying to hurt you. It is a very scary place. I need to find my inner strength because I am so weak that I wouldn't stand a chance out there...

There is so much to look forward to. I am on like week 2 now.

I will make more of a point to actually tell you blog readers what the fuck I'm actually talking about but until then It has not been announced.

To be continued...

BTW. that is an ALT-J video and it is the only thing I have been able to listen to without freaking out. enjoy!

He said, She said...Then there was the truth.

2014-03-25T21:59:00.003-07:00

What do I see, When I see you?

What do I see?

I see nothing...

All the times

That you told me

I was wrong, I was crazy..

Just when I started to believe...

You saw the change in me.

What does he see, when he sees me?

What does he see?

He saw nothing...

All the times

That I told him

He was wrong, He was crazy...

Just when he started to believe...

He saw the change in me.

I wrote this song in like 10 minutes. I have been struggling with writing music lately because I am always writing what I think people want to hear. I chose a different approach with this piece. I actually just sang and strummed my guitar and it all came together very fast. I wrote this song because in relationships it is the same thing on both sides but different. He said, she said then the truth.

I didn't follow my typical song writing process at all on this one. I love it. It is just me and my guitar and a lot of passion at the moment. I have no outlet so here I am...

Kelly Rose

Phoenix.

2014-03-23T20:02:00.002-07:00

Today was far from a normal day for me. I awoke to find a new sense of purpose. My mind racing with so many questions. I felt frightened, delirious, anxious all at once. It was just like Lang Leav described it to be;

"He swept in like a Tsunami, wave after wave and I didn't stand a chance."

I felt like I was hit with a Tsunami. I saw it coming but it did not make the impact less harrowing. The damage has been done and there is no going back. I now stand in a pile of the destruction that I helped create. It is all around me and I do not even know where to begin. I guess the bright side is that it is a beginning. A scary scary beginning, I am not ready for. I feel as though I am a nestling learning to fly for the first time.

I am not going to fix anything... I am going to rise from that destruction a stronger version of myself. I am a phoenix.

-Kelly Rose

It's Always Sunny In Oklahoma.

2014-02-25T20:39:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like you have so much to say? Like even if givin the opportunity to speak you would not even know where to begin? Since I am inevitably getting older, I have done a lot of thinking lately. I want to find happiness in my life and really find myself in the process I guess. I know most people do not really know themselves, or maybe it is just my generation. I am somewhere between generation x and y. I am right on the cusp of being one of those hipster kids we all love to hate.

I still have rational thoughts and morals. I also have an amazing work ethic. I have been steadily employed for many many years. I have worked my ass off since the day I turned 16. I only point that out because so many "millenniums" have such a sense of entitlement. At least the ones I have come into contact with.

The more I think about my life the happier I do become. I have come so far from that broke 17 year old mom, working at Sonic making $5.15 an hour. I am so much more than that girl will ever be. I have learned so much since then. I have learned that I am strong. I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I can hold the weight of worlds upon my shoulders.

I am smart. I sometimes just pretend I do not understand things or dumb myself down for the people around me, but I am smart. I read every single day. I love learning ANYTHING new. I absorb information and I find it thrilling. I am an atheist. This does not mean I am without a soul or conscious. I have morals, I have read all kinds of things on religion. I love theology. It is interesting to see what people all around the world believe. The more I read and research the more I disbelieve.

I am not looking to be saved, I like where I am at. I am a free thinker who does not believe every thing I am told. You can blame that on my parents. My daddy was a member of a biker gang called The Hell's Angels.... I'm sure you have heard of them? His name was "Thorn". My mother was a hippie/stoner, her name was Rose. She use to always tell me that every rose has it's thorn. I grew up without religion. My mother told me that when I was ready I would decide for myself.

Although my dad died when I was 10 he made quite the impression on my life. He was not the greatest father at times. He and my mom had all kinds of problems. My mother grew stronger with out him around as sad as that sounds... we all kind of did.

My point was that because of these two lost individuals coming together with their free thinking, pot smoking, anti-war liberal ideology I am the way that I am because of it. I would not have it any other way. My mother did not sugar coat things. I was told about this harsh world. Even though she warned me, I still did not listen.

You would think I would know exactly who I am, and for the most part I do. I think sometimes it can be hard for a girl to simply accept the things she cannot change. We all know women love changing shit. I am learning that it is okay to be the way that I am. I am not a freak, or a tree hugger. I am a free thinker, with amazing ideas. Me and my friends sit and talk about how we want to change the world. What are you doing?

I am an atheist living in Oklahoma.... Maybe the title should be It isn't always sunny in Oklahoma?

Kelly Rose.

A Lonely Soul.

2014-02-13T20:49:00.001-08:00

There is a lonely soul inside of me

I smile for the world demands it

The void underneath it all is empty

Hollow like the shell that is my heart

-I feel nothing

This piece is not quite finished. I wrote it in like 5 minutes. I don't know about you readers but when I try to write on the computer I go blank. My best work has always and will always be written by my own hand. I am attempting to go darker on my work while still maintaining beauty. I love pieces that are beautiful yet tragic. I hope more comes to me later.

Until then,

Kelly Rose

The Fool.

2014-02-13T20:20:00.001-08:00

The Fool.

My heart it beats for you...

With every beat there is a heart wrenching reminder of what once was, what is, what should be.

My heart is breaking...

You say that you truly want me... all of me

I know that is all a lie.

All you want is what you cannot have.

So in the moment you ruin me.

In a single moment.

I'm left dilapidated on the floor
by the door I could have just walked out of

Kelly Rose

Just call me Audrey.

2013-11-02T19:11:00.003-07:00

Hello world.

Tonight I feel successful. I have accomplished all that I set out to do. I love that feeling. I know more stress is soon to come with the holidays approaching quickly. I choose to face those set of problems then. Over my weekend I threw my daughters 7th birthday. I felt like a chicken with it's head cut off. There was so much to do with so little time...literally. I am naturally a procrastinator so I threw her entire party in like 3 days. Her birthday is conveniently right before Halloween so I am faced with the expenses of both celebrations at the same time.

As you can see in the picture above I dressed up real fancy for Halloween and I am exceptionally proud of this years costume. I wanted to do something classy from the get go. I am tired of this trend I helped start. Halloween comes around and girls clothing gets smaller and smaller. Now look I like to party with the best of em but I cannot be like that anymore. It's not like I don't want too...

My daughter is 7 now. I cannot have her see me act like that. I needed to set a great example for her. I chose to from this day on out dress up as tasteful as I could for Halloween. I even wanted to go as far as wearing a ball gown and calling it a day. Obviously Audrey Hepburn is a much better idea.

Today in Wal-mart me and my daughter were looking at toys. Anyone who knows my daughter knows she was not in the barbie isle. We were looking at guns and as she would put it "boys toys". I told her to at least look down the barbie isle hoping she would see something that sparkled and fall in love. That did not happen. I asked her which barbie was her favorite one as I looked at the "official white house barbie". She pointed straight at that doll. I feel like I did something right. She did not like dolls that were sparkly. She didn't even noticed which doll had the prettiest hair. How she became this way is some what of a mystery I mean look at me I am pretty girlie these days. The only other doll she even looked at was an astronaut doll. We left Wal-mart with a pair of handcuffs that she could have died without having...no doll.

It has been my pleasure.
Kelly Rose.

The Calm Before The Storm.

2013-10-19T22:47:00.000-07:00

Hello world.

I typically do the same thing every single day. I am in a repeating cycle of doom. We have all been there a few times. Life just becomes this way and the next thing you know you are just here. Physically you are normal, but inside of your head you are just day dreaming. Is it just me?

It is so hard being the person people come to for help. I have wonderful advice to give others. I believe it is because It is what I need to hear, but I never take my own advice. I listen to these problems and the more I hear the more I realize we all lie. We all get on our Facebook pages and we tell all of the good times. We document all of our adventures, but sometimes things are not what they seem. When other people look into my life, I am not sure what they see. I honestly do not care. The only thing I do not put on Facebook is my personal issues. I rarely do the rant posts.

I was having a conversation with a co-worker early and it has really stuck with me. I saw the same hurt in her eyes, that I see every day when I look into the mirror. I smile and put on my perfect plastic face and no one even knows of the dark storm swirling within my inner thoughts. She did not realize I had faced similar problems as I was just as unaware of hers. We both perceived things to be okay. It came to me.... are we all struggling?

-Kelly Rose

Plastic Face.

2013-09-15T20:00:00.002-07:00

Hello world.

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions this month. I am normally a pretty positive person, but I feel so defeated. I am exhausted to the point of falling over. I am more stressed now then I was last time I wrote. I thought that going to Denver was going to spark something inside of me. I thought that moving would make my surroundings change, it did not. I am feeling unlucky. I know that every one and their mommy says the ole....

"Everything happens for a reason!"

Sometimes I want to believe that but the agnostic side of me questions even this. I am not one for solace. That is exactly what that is.... accepting something bad happening in your life and making into something beautiful and planned. I just think sometimes what I wanted planned did not happen, while other things that were unplanned ravage my life away.

There are some days where I emerge out of bed feeling whole. I love those days. On those days I am able to get up and just get shit done. I put on my makeup, do my hair, yoga on the balcony while listening to beautiful music, and able to clean house and do all that work. I do not have those days often because I work too much!

I wish I could tell you blogger readers what is really on my mind. I wish I could just scream it at the top of my lungs. It isn't going to help. Sometimes I feel trapped inside of my own thoughts.... I put on my plastic face and I carry on with my day, no one ever realizing how troubled I feel. I just needed to vent and be pessimistic. Thanks!

Kelly out!!!

Kryptonite.

2013-08-17T20:05:00.000-07:00

Run.

Get far away from me.

I am dragging the both of us down.

We will never be, don't you see.

You have to flee.

To you I am bound.

You cause more pain than pleasure.

No one else can measure.

I searched the world and thereafter

I found no one that mattered.

This is not our reality, he spits

He always tries to quit, he can't

I always pull him in, he comes.

I reach for him, but he is already done.

and then he is gone.

Confused and yet again alone.

I am left waiting by the telephone.

I close my eyes, burning hot

The tears stream down, I don't make a sound

I can't.

Kelly Rose.

A Change Of Pace.

2013-08-08T23:55:00.001-07:00

Hello world.

So it has been a minute since I wrote anything. There has been so much going on in my life. I guess I will start with the most important. My little girl is going into the first grade next week, and I am beside myself. I am so happy for her. She has grown so much in just the past year alone. I do not know what to do with myself. I did go to Colorado for those of you you who read my previous blogs. I have pictures I just haven't uploaded them to my computer yet. So that means you have to wait...

I found a new place to live recently. I really had to take a step back and adjust my life a little. Me and my husband had rented this house last year and over that year so much has gone wrong. Luckily for us, our lease is up. So instead of getting something big and expensive, we decided to move back into an apartment. This really is a big decision. I hated almost every apartment I have lived in. However, this house now might as well be an apartment. Our neighbors are disrespectful and loud. I wish It was just a little noise from an upstairs unit. Our street is littered lost or stray dogs, some violent. I have had it with this house. On top of all that we also live close to the train depot which means no matter what time of the day or night it is trains will plow right by, shaking and waking all inside. Over the year I have actually gotten use to them. I remember my first week here I could not take the sound. I freaked out. I wanted to call and cuss someone out. There is and was nothing I could do about the trains.

This new place makes me feel like I am somewhere else. It is over looking a pretty park and a water splash pad park. I am so excited to take my daughter right to the park in our backyard. The condo is an upstairs unit and It has a private staircase on the back patio. The condo itself is actually quite big. The master bedroom is the winner of the place. It is huge with an amazing bathroom. I have so much counter space I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I just feel like we are going to be so happy there. I just know it. I know I've mentioned in the past that things have been good and bad. It is really hard working through obstacles in life and when your spouse is not there it can be even harder. I feel like with my husband we fight all the time. Our fights range from fighting about dinner to common misunderstandings. I think these are common things to argue about after living with each other all of these years.

I have moved to many places. I like to think we leave our footprints in these houses. I can feel the energy in every home the minute you walk in. I felt that way here before everything started falling apart. Some houses just have a bad energy. This is one of those where we just need to get the fuck out of here. I for one cannot wait. This is going to be a slow and busy month for me. I have so much to do. I promise I will have the Denver pics up in the next blog, along with moving updates and so much more exciting stuff. I will see you next time.

Kelly Rose.

Disconnected.

2013-07-14T00:14:00.001-07:00

Hello world.

I am super excited heading into this next week. I have huge plans coming up and I cannot pass the days fast enough. I am heading to Denver soon to visit my bestest friend in the entire world. Yes that striking young man to your right. I used the oldest and worse picture possible. I totally had better pictures. I just love this kid so much that I chose this one. This picture was taken on my 20th birthday. That was 4 years ago. He had this long weird hair phase going on. That was not only my birthday but the very first time I made this young man a Jager bomb. We had a great night!

I am looking forward to many things in Denver. I have been feeling so strange lately. I need inner peace. There is so much going on in the world I want to run and hide from. I turn on the news and I am instantly sadden by all of the people being murdered and kidnapped or raped. I see a society that is disconnected. I was having a wonderful conversation with another one of my fabulous friends about this very thing earlier. We agreed that people are full of shit.

We live our lives constantly updating, sharing, tweeting, and texting. I love all of these things. I at one point never thought I could want to escape my smart phone....but I do. I want to hike a mountain loose my cell phone reception, forget about that Facebook (she is a bitch anyways jk) and find me. The me that isn't up for the world to see. The me that is more than a pretty face. The me that thinks about more than just dinner plans for the night. The me that no one sees. That girl is who I want and need to find. I need to see something bigger than myself and accept some things I am personally working through. I have such high hopes.

Have you guys ever felt that way? I honestly feel weird about it. I do not want to feel this way. I want to accept the things in my life. I cannot.
I have always been a rebel and now I'm fighting within myself. Life can be super stressful at times. I think that is why it is so important to escape our every day lives. Since our every day lives now consist of constant Internet connection I think it will be awesome to not worry about anything. I have to because when I get back I have to punch back in my time clock. Life will proceed as usual. I will of course take plenty of pictures and write about it all when I get back. I look forward to it!

Kelly Rose

More pieces of me, for you!

2013-07-11T00:28:00.000-07:00

Hello world.

I have been inspired lately...
So much so that I just keep writing little notes or poems to even metaphors to myself. I write all the time. I feel so much more drawn to a pen and paper. That is why you my blog readers have not seen such notes. I feel disconnected when I write this way...I know I am weird.

The reason I mention my notes is because sometimes they are pretty good. I have shown that before in previous blogs as such:

http://kellsbells3.blogspot.com/2013/03/pieces-of-me-for-you.html

http://kellsbells3.blogspot.com/2013/04/a-work-in-progress.html

I have found some more of my unfinished poetry on my cell phone this time. It was hiding in my notepad and I would like to share it with my readers. I feel bad I have not taken the time to write on my computer and share my life with all of you. I hope you all enjoy..

He doesn't care.

He never will.

He only cares about himself.

I am just a foolish kid.

A tiny glimmer of hope is what I hold onto.

It screams reality.

When it is not.

It screams trouble.

It consumes me.

So yea, that just happened. This one is random, I do not remember writing it. I must have been pretty mad though. I love the realness in it. I didn't cloak my emotions. i wasn't planning on sharing it to the world so my words here are truth, and for that I love it. NEXT!

Have we met before?

I see him as he stands by the door.

He is smooth, confident and cool.

I am instantly allured.

He talks his way into my heart.

I let him in.

He never quites left, the pieces remain.

They are deep down inside of me.

He told me I was his everything.

I believed that lie.

Did we make believe this life?

One we did not live

or even have that right?

I dreamed I was your wife.

You kiss me so sweet.

you take the palm of your hand

press it softly against my cheek.

I feel weak...

I wake up to an empty bed

Dreaming of a life

That I did not live.

This one is such a work in progress. It is a perfect love story of the one that got away. The girl is dreaming the life she never had. It is full of what if's and those horrible memories that haunt her. It is beautiful and not finished by any means. I believe it to have a lot of potential. It will be updated soon for your viewing pleasure. NEXT!

Is it wrong that I think of you?

I try to push it deep down.

It's where my mind always goes to.

No matter how hard I push, It comes around

It drags me down, down, down.

I'm lost in this fantasy.

It is just me and you.

We lay together finally.

We never want to leave.

It was only but a dream.

I know they are just little bits on songs and poems but they are really good. I love that I scribble out this stuff. I think that I am a writer and singer at heart and it flows into my every day life. I hope you enjoyed my notes. Have a wonderful night.

Kelly Rose.

Some Real Shit.

2013-07-02T16:29:00.006-07:00

One of the things I find myself doing most of these days is watching TV. I work 5 days a week as well as this so I'm not a complete loser. I have noticed a trend though. Hollywood just lies. This is no new revelation. You always hear that it gives girls the wrong idea about love and romance. That is a big one. I always watched movies as a child and I can remember thinking that is what love was going to be like. I was going to struggle until the day a random guy found me working (probably in a diner).

Then he was going to see something in me and fall head over heels. We were going to get married, buy a house, go on vacations, have kids and watch them grow. This is what happened to me for the most part. I was a waitress, we did fall in love fast, I already had a kid, we didn't buy a house, I haven't been on a vacation in years, and there is thing called rent that barrels toward me every month.

That kiddos is the American dream. I try to remind myself at all times of what I have. I hope to never loose anything. I am from Oklahoma as many of you have probably already gathered. So I watched the tornado rip through Moore. I watched as debris is still being cleared. I am very lucky that I have what I have. I just wish some days that life were easier. There is always a point in the movie where the individual struggles but something always gets them out of it. This is not the movies. I am aware that I have to lift myself out of this.

I am sort of in a bullshit mood today as you can probably tell. I just feel like what I thought was meant to happen just didn't. I am face to face when the decisions that I have made. I look around and I have it pretty good. I make good money working a demeaning job that I happen to love. I have a great schedule. I love spending time with my husband and our daughter. I have food to eat. I have clothes on my back. So yes things could be much worse. Tell me though what is worse than being content...

I am bored with life. I want to venture to a foreign country. I want to learn about a different culture. I want to taste exotic foods. I want to be so close to the ocean I can smell it in the wind. I cannot just leave though. Financially I cannot afford to run around the world. I also have a daughter that I could not drag along through my adventures. That is where my reality sets in.

I will be almost 35 when my daughter turns 18. Yes that is still fairly young. I look at it differently. I was 16 when I had her. I gave up so much to have this little girl. I know that. I wouldn't have done it differently because she has taught me so much about life. I do however have days like today where I wish I could just leave and start a new life. I have to accept my fate. There has to be a reason I am right here, right now. I am a firm believer in fate. I do not believe in much these days.

I have a good feeling about all of the decisions I have made. They have placed me exactly where I am.

Kelly Rose.

Spitting lyrics.

2013-06-06T19:24:00.001-07:00

Hello world.
I have not been on here in what feels like forever.

I am going to attempt to write a poem or lyric.

(verse 1)
There is something... inside of me
It burns but I wont let go
I tell myself... it's a tragedy
I'm left here burnt and all alone

I try to fight these feelings but they eat me alive
I ask myself what am I doing? Am I wasting my time?
cause ain't nothing good, coming out of this

(Chorus)

Those moments...

where you feel like....this is it!

Its like your dreaming, your favorite dream

where you are holding me and everything is so sweet.

This was about as far as I got. I did just write it though. not too bad for a spur of the moment lyric. I am obviously bored. I will be back later. Thank you for the read.

Kelly Rose

What is Love.

2013-05-27T20:57:00.001-07:00

What is love?

It is an age old question. If you look love up in the dictionary you will see that love is defined as the following.

LOVE

noun: An intense feeling of deep affection.

Verb: Feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).

I think love is more than what can be defined. How do you put these deep emotional feelings into words. When I think of love all kinds of emotions run to my mind. It is the way he grabs me by the back of my neck and kisses me, as he stops he just lays there and breaths onto me. I feel the passion, I feel a burn. It is the way he tries to save me at all cost, never once leaving me behind. It is the way I am bound to him. I am compelled by him. I am captivated by him.

Have you ever felt like you just knew someone. Like they were always there. Maybe they were in another life. Star crossed lovers if you will. I normally wouldn't believe in all that mushy love stuff, however I believe in this. I believe because I feel it every time he touches me. It reminds me that I do know him, I know him well. I have been there before. I have felt those lips upon mine. That is something I cannot forget.

When you truly love there is no other you think about. They haunt your every thought. When you close your eyes and imagine their face you can almost taste them on your lips, smell them on your being. They say love is kind. Love is far from kind. It is brutal. It will break you down, it will inspire you. It will become you.

I have loved you in another universe and in another time. You bring life into my life. I love you.

Kelly Rose

Oklahoma winds.

2013-05-20T17:28:00.004-07:00

Image from www.google.com

When I look back on this date I will remember exactly where I was, who I was with, and how I felt. I was at my job running down a hallway, as the lights flickered on and off. I was holding hands with my co-worker running to the safe spot in the middle of the casino. The tornado that hit Moore, Oklahoma today was very close to where I call home. Moore is a place that I go to all the time. It is literally the next town over. I have not seen the devastation in person yet because the highway is closed, however the images that the news is showing is absolutely heartbreaking. I want to let all the families know they are in my heart forever.

The sadness I feel is overbearing. The thought of a tornado is so scary. If you have never been around one or only seen them on TV. I can tell you now that is how you want to see one. Being near one or in the middle of one is a nightmare. I still remember the first tornado I witnessed. If you are from here you know the one. May 3rd is not just another day in Oklahoma. It was a day that we lost our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and friends. It was the strongest tornado recorded at the time. I still remember where I was that day. It is actually quite a funny story.

The year was 1999. The sky started ringing the loudest sounds I had ever heard. It sang a song that told everyone around to get underground right now. My family did not have a shelter so we went into this huge ditch and put mattresses over us. I look back on this memory and realize how ridiculous this was. My family also would go to the bridge and hide underneath it. As many of you know both of these things were not going to save me or my family. I told you it was kind of funny.

Is it not strange how when a traumatic event happens we remember every detail of that day. This is one of those days. I wont be able to forget. When I hear that siren fill the air I will think twice about how I handle future warnings. If anybody feels the same as I do, or has a question I will be right here. I know that we will overcome all of this. We always do! I am very proud of my state today. My thoughts are with every one of you.

Kelly Rose

Shooting Star.

2013-05-17T23:09:00.003-07:00

This week has been a strange one. I feel like so much is going on in my life. I also have realized that when I keep busy I am a happier person in general. It is when I am left alone to my thoughts where the worst part of me emerges. Things in my life seem to be looking up. I am a firm believer in what I call the "sling shot effect". If you have never heard such a thing, allow me to explain. Life pulls you down. At times it might pull you so far you wont believe in anything but the bad. It is pulling you back to shoot you forward. You do not deserve the good, if you cannot go through the bad. In my opinion at least.

My sling shot has shot me forward. I am not going to let it take all the credit though. I helped a little.

At this moment I am listening to Hello Goodbye- In your arms in acoustic. I do not know about you guys, but there is nothing I love more than acoustic. It is beautiful. Please do press that play button.

Well guys It is already 1am here so I am going to get some sleep. I will be back next time.

Kelly Rose

Since I've Been Gone.

2013-05-09T18:06:00.001-07:00

Hello world. I have been absent for quite some time. I have been too preoccupied with work. While I was away I did many things. Some are not so great. That picture right there pretty much explains itself. I had a delicious coffee.

I watched my daughter play outside. She is growing up right before my very eyes. Each day I try to measure how big she is beside me. I cherish every day with her. Everyone always tells you that the time flies. I have witnessed this myself. The years just flying by.

As I previously mentioned some are not so great. I got a hot new pair of shades!

I did some modeling...

Emol&Kelly

I went to the Norman Music Festival. I had a blast with my husband and friends. We filled Sonic cups with vodka and slush. They were extremely strong. We had a blast.

The night before me and my husband walked around the festival. When we were going to leave it started raining. We had to walk blocks to our car in the pouring down rain. I always saw on romantic movies people would kiss in the rain. We tried it, it was nice. We didn't even run to the car just walked. It was fun.

I HAD A BIRTHDAY!!!!!
You are now looking at a 24 year old. I did not make big plans for my birthday. I was broke and it fell on a Wednesday. I did however go to a passion party. At this passion party I had a penis cookie.

As you can see I have been way too busy.
I need to go put my little one to bed. I will see you guys next time.

-Kelly Rose