Family Relationships

Virtual Book Tour: Nobody Knows the Spanish I Speak

2012-02-21T12:35:00.000-08:00

Have you ever thought about dropping out and having a midlife adventure? If so, you've come to the right blog, as we welcome author Mark Saunders to our Virtual Book Tour. Facing the prospect of job loss in their late 50s, Mark and his wife chose to drop out, sell everything and move to the central highlands of Mexico, where they didn't know a soul and couldn't speak the language. Mark's here to answer questions about his hilarious novel, Nobody Knows the Spanish I Speak:

Nourishing Relationships: Why did you decide to write about your experience as a first-time expat living in the middle of Mexico?

Mark Saunders: My wife and I were the last persons we ever thought would drop out and move to Mexico, especially when we did. We were in our late 50s at the time, did not have much money to back us up, and did not consider ourselves the adventurous types. We were both working in high-tech, for different companies, and coincidently our jobs were going away around the same time. At our age, we felt boxed in—or out. So we sold our condo in downtown Portland, Oregon, with the spectacular view of Mt. Hood and Mt. St. Helens and lived in Mexico off the proceeds of the sale. Put another way, we gave ourselves a self-funded, open-ended sabbatical. Funny things happened to us almost immediately and I thought I should start writing about what was going on, and do so mostly from the point of view of someone who was totally ill-equipped and ill-prepared to be an expat.

NR: What’s the number one question people ask you about living in Mexico?

MS: It’s a toss-up between “Is it safe?” and “What do you do for medical care?” The drug war is insane, of course. But it’s pretty much limited to the border towns and drug cartels or federales shooting at each other over turf. San Miguel is a ten-hour drive from the Texas border. I felt safer walking in my first Mexican neighborhood at night than my old Portland neighborhood. I feel just as safe in my new San Miguel neighborhood, which is closer to the center of town. Medical care is an interesting question. The first time we lived here we subscribed to a global health insurance policy for catastrophic medical needs. Everything else we paid for out of pocket. A doctor’s visit, for example, was about three hundred pesos or twenty-five dollars at the current exchange rate. In other words, it was close to what we would have spent as a co-pay in the States. Dental work is a lot cheaper here, too, and it’s high quality work. If you’re talking about brain surgery, you probably want to return to the US and get it done there. But if you need lab work or a basic physical or a leg cast or a thorough skin cancer checkup, you can get it done here and for a lot less than in the States. Plus, the doctors make house calls and the pharmacies deliver to your door. How cool is that? When all else fails, there are US-style major hospitals thirty to forty minutes away.

NR: What did you find most surprising about Mexico?

MS: So many aspects of life down here surprised me, pleasantly so, I’m not sure where to start. Of course, when you drive down you first notice the roads and the highway system in Mexico, especially the toll roads, which far exceeded my expectations. The scenery was, at times, spectacular. Watching a rising middle class has been fascinating. We have hi-speed Internet in our house, decent mobile phone coverage, and fresh, delicious produce and eggs every day. There’s even a burgeoning organic food movement in San Miguel. Perhaps the single greatest pleasure, even though I can’t call it a surprise, was how warm, gracious, and friendly our Mexican neighbors were and still are.

NR: What disappointed you most about living in San Miguel?

MS: My greatest disappointment and the bane of my existence down here is the level of noise. San Miguel is a party town and Mexicans love their fiestas. Their philosophy seems to be if it’s worth celebrating, it’s worth a lot of noise. I suppose if I were twenty again I’d feel different about it all but the noise is relentless. Perhaps my second greatest disappointment is that I can’t buy my jeans off-the-rack. I’m short and stocky and thought, finally, at last, a country where I’m closer to a normal size and I wouldn’t have to get my pants altered or wear them hiked up under my chin like some 80-year old guy playing Bocce Ball. I’m afraid I’ll also never figure out the door locks in Mexico. Some things are beyond my comprehension.

NR: How did you come up with your book’s title?

MS: I wanted a title that would combine Mexico and humor. One early title was (groan) “Two Years Before the Masa,” which wouldn’t work, I realized, since the Richard Dana book referred to disappeared from bookshelves a long time ago and only serious cooks knew that tortillas come from masa or corn dough. Eventually I settled on Nobody Knows the Spanish I Speak for the title because it’s a chapter from the book and because it captures, in six words, my total confusion and incompetence as an expat. Nobody Knows the Spanish I Speak is, of course, a play on the old spiritual “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody knows but Jesus” and, I think, it’s a title that says this is a light-hearted book about a non-Hispanic living in an Hispanic country. Plus, as bonus points, our car mechanic’s name was Jesus and he knew a lot about the troubles we had with our car.

NR: Has your Spanish improved?

MS: Yes, but not significantly. Sometimes clichés make the best or at least shortest explanations. In my case, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I regret not mastering a foreign language when I was much younger and had more brain cells on my team, with a better shot at winning. Now it’s almost impossible for me to get beyond the basic hello-how-are-you-see-you-later greetings. I try to speak Spanish whenever I can but it’s mostly individual words, broken up like ceramic tile and spackled together, supplemented with some vigorous hand signals and finger pointing. I’m not proud of my lack of proficiency in Spanish. I’d also like to be able to play the piano but I suspect at my age—here comes another cliché—that ship has sailed.

NR: Do you have plans for a sequel or second book about life in Mexico?

MS: Yes, sort of, maybe, I think so. I’m working on a book about our new Standard Poodle, Duke, a 75-pound apricot-colored male. He’s basically a snow dog who now finds himself living in the middle of a semi-arid climate. The working title is “The Duke of San Miguel.” He literally stops traffic whenever we take him out for his walks. And at least once a week someone asks if they can have their picture taken with him. We’re thinking of putting a sign around his neck and charging for the photos. I’m also working on two full-length plays, as well as adapting one of my screenplays to a novel.

If there are jokes in the book, I’m the butt of them, as well as the punch line to most setups. As it should be. The San Miguel Author’s Sala, since renamed the Literary Sala, published early drafts of two of the essays included in Nobody Knows.

NR: You often refer to old movies or rock lyrics. Was that a deliberate stylistic choice on your part?

MS: Indeed it was. Like a lot of people, I love movies and music and have been influenced heavily by both. Arlene likes to say I can’t remember to pay a bill on time but I can remember a piece of dialogue from a movie I watched twenty years ago. I also think dropping in bits of popular culture is another way of connecting to readers, especially in a humorous memoir targeted at readers around my own age. When I was in college, I knew a woman who would spice up her conversation with song lyrics, as if she were quoting Aristotle. By the way, I don’t quote Aristotle in the book, or Plato, for that matter. I do, however, cite Albert Brooks and Humphrey Bogart.

NR: Instead of selling everything and moving to Mexico, why didn’t you just take a six-month tourist visa and rent a place for awhile?

MS: We weren't interested in just another vacation, we wanted an adventure. We had worked our entire adult lives, with only an occasional week or two off, and felt it was time to try something new and we hoped interesting. Portland, Oregon, is a wonderful place to live but we didn’t see ourselves closing out our lives there. As difficult as it was to leave the comfort of familiar surroundings and dear friends, we craved a real change in our lives. Presto chango, we found ourselves in the middle of Mexico in a traditional neighborhood.

And don’t get me started about the topes or speed bumps. What we refer to as speed bumps in the States pale by comparison. It’s like that scene in the film Crocodile Dundee when the Australian guy is walking in New York City at night and is accosted by a desperate man waving a knife. The Australian laughs at the guy and says, “That’s not a knife, Mate.” Then he pulls out a huge knife that’s as big as a machete and tells the would-be thief, pointing it at him: “Now that’s a knife.” That’s pretty much how I feel about the difference between speed bumps in the States and in Mexico.

NR: I imagine it was difficult leaving friends and family behind but did they ever say or think you were crazy for moving to Mexico when you did?

MS: I’m sure plenty of our loved ones and acquaintances thought so. But they had the good manners to not tell us to our face we had flipped out.

NR: Had you ever lived in another country before or thought about it?

MS: When I was in the military I was stationed on Puerto Rico for nine months. However, I was stuck on the military base most of the time. Whenever I could, I’d take a bus into San Juan and spend a weekend, filling myself up with local food and culture. About ten years ago, Arlene was offered an engineering position in Dresden, Germany. She went back to Dresden to find us a place to live and called to ask me if I wanted to live in Old Town (Altstadt) or New Town (Neustadt). I told her it was Europe and I definitely wanted to live in the older part of town. She laughed and told me that Neustadt dated from something like the 1600s. Ultimately, she didn’t feel right about the job offer and turned them down. From that point on, though, we coveted the thought of living in another country, especially someplace in Europe. San Miguel is not Europe but it’s done a great job preserving a 17th century European look and feel. It’s a beautiful, historic setting and a favorite tourist spot for Mexicans.

NR: Did you ever regret dropping out and leaving the States?

MS: Never. I think what we came to regret was leaving Mexico and returning to the States when we did, which was in late 2007, just in time to participate in or at least observe from the sidelines with great horror the tanking of the American economy. Returning to the States meant we were going to have to try and find work and the downturn in the economy, coupled with our ages, made that a Herculean task, to say the least. But we were homesick. What we probably should have done was returned to the States periodically for long stretches, a month or so at a time, and still keep a house in San Miguel. Hindsight doesn’t require reading glasses from Costco.

NR: This is your first book. What is your background as a writer?

MS: I did a lot of technical writing and then marketing writing over the years. In my spare time, I wrote and drew cartoons, weekly single-panels for newspapers and gag cartoons for magazines. I also did some editorial cartooning in college and after. I wrote gags for the comic strip “Frank & Ernest” as a freelancer and did quite well, since I love silly word play. I even tried stand-up comedy for a bit and didn’t do well at end. In fact, I bombed enormously at it and returned to writing, which was easier and more natural for me. I’ve never had to run into the bathroom just before starting to write and throw up. Eventually, I started writing short plays in my spare time. More than twenty of my plays have been either staged or read in theatres across the country, a few have won awards, and a couple have been published. Then, I started writing feature screenplays, all comedies. They’ve won awards but only one of my full-length scripts has been optioned. Two of my short scripts have been optioned as well and one was actually filmed. Please don’t ask about the film. The tipping point for me as a writer came in late 2001 when I applied for and won a fellowship. The award gave me six weeks in a cabin in the Southern Oregon woods to do nothing but write. My employer at the time was very generous and supportive and kept my job open for me while I took time off to write. However, from that point on, it was hard for me to work a regular job when I’d rather be spending my time writing. It was one of those “how ya gonna keep ‘em down on the farm” experiences, an epiphany that changed my life.

Thanks for being so candid and thorough in your responses, Mark. Now, readers, it's your turn to ask Mark questions about writing, midlife or Mexico. Just click on "Comments" at the bottom of this post and follow the prompts. You can even sign in as 'Anonymous.' It's as easy as that and we would love to hear from you!

Enter Our Photo Contest

2012-02-20T09:05:00.000-08:00

Tired of winter? Warm up your heart by going through some of your family photos. You'll enjoy reliving happy times. Maybe you'll reminisce with your children about when everyone was young and carefree. Or remember just last month when you all gathered to celebrate the holidays together. You can savor the love all over again.

Photo (c) Andres Rodriguez/Fotolia

Then be a part of our special contest. Enter and you can win the right to download a series of unique pictures from Fotolia.com. They'll be the perfect fit for your blog, website or newsletter. You can even use them to spice up your Facebook page.

Photo (c) Ambiance/Fotolia

Fotolia.com hosts a wide selection of unique royalty free images and they have generously offered to share some of them with you as an introduction to their site. The winner of our contest will be able to download 1 photo a day, at no charge, for a 30-day period.

Photo (c) Tim Osborne/FotoliaHIp

How do you enter? Take some time this President's Day and choose a photo of your family that means a lot to you. Email it to us at Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com and include 2 or 3 sentences about the emotions this photo evokes for you and why that is.

We’ll be choosing a winner and announcing it on our blog Friday, March 9. And you'll see the winner's family photo and narrative on our post that day. So what are you waiting for? Join in and tell your friends about it.

Photo (c) Pavel Losevsky/Fotolia

Mail your submission to Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com by Monday, March 5 and you could be the proud user of these special images.

And, after you enjoy Mardi Gras tomorrow, join us again on Wednesday for a chat with Mark Saunders about his hilarious novel, Nobody Knows the Spanish I Speak. Mark will be available to answer your questions about his mid-life adventure when he dropped out, sold everything and moved to Mexico.

Photo (c) John Keith/Fotolia

The Day After

2012-02-15T09:37:00.000-08:00

…And they lived happily ever after.

That's what we're told at the end of fairy tales. And we want to believe it. But the truth is we really don't know what happens after the wedding. How does the couple resolve the inevitable conflicts? How do they support each other after a defeat? How do they incorporate romantic love into the reality of day-to-day ups and downs?

Today is Valentine's Day plus One. You may be feeling disappointed and resentful about yesterday or happy and cherished. Perhaps you want to savor the warm love you received or to rehash the letdown you experienced. Your focus may even be on what you gave to those you love rather than on what you received. In any case, your perceptions become reality and your reactions set the tone for what comes next.

Life is complicated. It's both good and bad, filled with successes and failures. Often your responses give meaning to what has occurred more than do the actual events themselves.

Take a good look at this picture. You may only see the dark clouds, portending an ominous future or instead notice the patches of color that indicate a potentially rosy outlook. The flag may suggest a sense of community and belonging or the separation from others who are not in the group. A focus on the airplane can remind you of adventures still ahead or fear of the unknown. Even the tankers in the background can raise feelings of optimism or pessimism about our environment.

It's not really concrete objects, events and people that define our lives but how we react to them. Our stories begin in earnest the day after. It's not easy but that's when we begin the real work of resilience and creation. How will you choose to tell your own story? With gratitude and forgiveness or bitterness and remorse? It's up to you.

Brotherly Love and Sisterly Love

2012-02-13T09:25:00.000-08:00

Philadelphia has been known as the city of brotherly love since William Penn first named it over 300 years ago and today one of the LOVE sculptures by Robert Indiana has a prominent place on the University of Pennsylvania campus.

With two sons, four grandsons and a brother of my own, I know a little about how brothers show their love. They're physical with each other - playing or sparring - and they compete in just about any way they can. Although they're fiercely protective of one another from any outsider, they seem to enjoy challenging each other with glee and abandon when it's just them. It's their way of showing respect and acceptance - that they are strong enough to take it. Brotherly love isn't often openly or verbally expressed in warm and fuzzy terms - either between actual brothers or between men friends - rather it's conveyed in doing things together.

What about sisterly love? Mostly it centers on connection and communication as a way of creating emotional intimacy. When sisters do compete and juggle for position, generally it's about relationships - who gets more of the love. That can cause jealousy - over who is cherished, more admired, with greater influence in drawing others closer. So women reach out beyond their siblings - their friendships are often as loving, committed and attached as those between actual sisters. The loyalty and devotion of long-term women friends binds them together and builds a sense of inner strength and personal security in each. We are both more grounded and more willing to take a chance flying because of shared links to our sisterhood.

What is your take on brotherly and sisterly love? Your close friendships? Will they be a part of your Valentine's Day experience tomorrow? Who is dear to you? Are your friendships closer than your actual sibling relationships? Share your feelings and start a discussion through the Comment link below.

Love is More Than a Four Letter Word

2012-02-08T00:35:00.000-08:00

With Valentine's Day less than a week away, we continue our focus on the many aspects of love. Filled with the deep pleasure of engagement, we often talk about loving a person, an idea, a place, an experience. The great sense of pure joy and energy springing from such love can keep you warm the rest of the season - a must, now that Punxsutawney Phil has predicted six more weeks of winter.

digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Here are two more forms of love to consider this week:

Love what you do. Whatever it is you do each day - a job outside the home, a hobby, volunteer work, caring for your aging parents or growing children - you'll be more fulfilled if you're immersed in it. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi coined the term flow for the experience of focused involvement in an activity. In flow you have a greater sense of clarity and timelessness, with your passion becoming its own reward. Challenge yourself to live a meaningful life to its fullest by creating flow, knowing that you can accomplish your goals. And experience love by making a commitment to act on what you feel.

Love who you are. It's not always easy to love yourself, is it? Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies, seeing our faults more clearly than our strengths. Other times we over estimate our strong points, seeing ourselves through rose-colored glasses. Two thousand years ago, Socrates entreated each of us to Know Thyself. Your challenge today is to recognize your authentic being. When you embrace your frailties and at the same time encourage your growth and the development of your abilities, you can begin to truly love yourself. Learn to feel comfortable in your own skin - accept and be true to who you are.

We hope you enjoy your day of love next week - whatever object of your affections you choose to celebrate. Want to tell us about your love? Click on the comment link below and tell us who or what brings happiness to your life.

The Month for Love

2012-02-06T08:05:00.000-08:00

Long before it was a song, the saying was a part of our conversation - and it's especially appropriate during February, the month of love:

Love makes the world go 'round.

kratuanoiy / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

With all this whirling, love can make you feel off balance and dizzy. Sometimes it's tricky to keep your personal world turning without having it spin completely out of control. With love encompassing so much of our consciousness, the focus on Valentine's Day is usually on romantic love. Yet there are many different kinds of love that can help keep you grounded. This week we'll look at some you can include in your life for the essence of love:

Love who you're with. When Stephen Stills sang, If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with, he was thinking about affection and passion with a sexual partner. But you can achieve another kind of oneness with others in your life too. Dear friends share emotional intimacy, commitment and trust as well as a sense of playfulness. Don’t you feel loyal and loving to old friends in a way that celebrates your closeness? And family, with its roots and continuity, can provide feelings of security that allow you to open up to love. When you express gratitude to your family for what they have given you and forgive them for what they have not, you feel more connected and altruistic.

Love where you are. Whether you live in the city or countryside, the hills or flatlands, inland or along the shore, there is beauty to be found around you. As you explore more of your environment, you may find yourself drawn to the serenity of your natural surroundings or to the energy of your community. When you engage and become involved, you'll experience the thrill and deep satisfaction that comes from a heartfelt connection. Nurturing your spirituality can also create feelings of awe and dedication that touch you emotionally.

Join us again on Wednesday when we'll look at some additional objects of affection. Meanwhile, please share some of your own favorite people and places - those that bring a smile to your face and a flutter to your heart. Click on the comment link below and tell us what kind of love makes your world go 'round.

Valentine’s Day and Emotional Intimacy

2012-02-01T07:46:00.000-08:00

This year we began early, focusing Monday's post on a more satisfying Valentine's Day. Now that February is officially here, what else can you do to set the tone for the day of love? We know how busy you are, but reading these two easy-to-use tips will only take a minute:

Teerapun / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Inject humor and laughter. Lightheartedness is often the first casualty of a hectic family life. Keep fun alive by joking around, sending silly texts or using pet names. Making time to be playful and engaging with each other can often lead to greater satisfaction and deeper intimacy.

Stay connected. A gentle touch or quick hug can release oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding as well as reduces blood pressure and stress levels. When you're feeling tense, an affectionate moment can help you feel closer, loved and even more relaxed.

By now you must know that you can't change your partner. But you can impact his reactions if you shift your own attitude, feelings and behavior. Then, as your union becomes stronger, he may decide to make some changes in himself - and that will benefit the relationship.

You see, positive emotions can open you both to new possibilities. Try to let your heart do the talking and commit to little changes that mean a lot. When you bring out the best in each other, you create a reservoir of goodwill. Look at is as an investment in your emotional bank account. And on Valentine’s Day, be ready to start cashing in the dividends.

How to Work Your Way toward Valentine's Day

2012-01-30T06:37:00.001-08:00

If you’re a Sandwiched Boomer, caring for parents growing older and kids growing up, Valentine’s Day may be just one more responsibility you have to take care of. Are you trying to balance work and family with little choice but to leave your love relationship on the back burner? Busy people under pressure often hurt the one they love. Not ideal circumstances as we approach the most romantic day of the year.

Marital relationship experts seem to focus on minimizing the negatives – don’t nag, don’t be controlling, don’t overreact, don’t withhold sex.

But why not concentrate on the do’s instead of the don’ts? Positive reinforcements can help increase attraction, motivation and connection. So if you apply these practical and easy-to-implement insights, you may begin to see positive changes, just in time for Valentine’s Day:

Express gratitude. Remembering to say thank you may sound overly simplistic, but it can help bring to mind your partner’s good qualities. Compliments serve as positive reinforcements at times when you may be preoccupied with work and kids or taking each other for granted.

Try to compromise. Be direct, yet open and flexible as you make your way through disagreements. Putting yourself in your partner's shoes and truly understanding the other point of view can help resolve conflict quickly without so many lingering resentments.

Log on Wednesday for more practical tips about achieving marital success.

In the meantime, would you like to download a complimentary eBook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching Your Goals? All you have to do is sign the email list to the left of this post. You'll also receive our free monthly eZine, Stepping Stones, with lots of ideas about how to resolve your family problems.

Gabby Giffords as an Inspirational Role Model

2012-01-25T08:20:00.000-08:00

The courage and dignity shown by Gabrielle Giffords over the past year as she struggled to cope with the results of her horrific shooting were repeated this week as she made the announcement that she will step down today from her position as the United States Representative from her district in Arizona. It was inspiring to watch her smiling face and listen to her halting but strong voice declare her thanks for the support of her constituents and her pledge to return to the people of Arizona.

Photo courtesy of Gabrielle Giffords Congressional Office/Handout/Reuters

When Gabby Giffords was first shot, we blogged here about how the country would react to this crime by a mentally ill gunman. We had some suggestions for getting support in such times of crisis and for managing the stress that comes from an uncontrollable event like her shooting. You can look back over those posts and try on some of the tips we outlined there.

In addition to killing six citizens at the town hall, wounding another 12, and forever changing Gabby's life, the shooting also generated partisan finger pointing, ironic since Giffords had been rated as one of the most bipartisan, centrist members of Congress.

Gabby has been an exemplar of self-respect in her determination to progress in her healing. It is humbling to see her commitment and perseverance as she continues on her road to recovery and rehabilitation.

As you talk with you family about the role model she embodies, you can focus on some of her beliefs, attitudes and actions. Gabby has been:

Determined to move forward
Hard working in her rehabilitation
Optimistic in her outlook
Realistic in her goal setting
Steadfast in her beliefs about reconciliation
Appreciative of the support she's received
Grateful for her friends and family
Loving to her husband
Loyal to her constituents
True to herself
Committed to living a full life

These are all qualities we hope to emulate ourselves and instill in our children. We wish Gabby the very best of luck on her difficult but inspiring journey and support her words today, I will return, and we will work together for Arizona and this great country.

Role Model for Bad Behavior

2012-01-23T09:45:00.000-08:00

Usually it's celebrities who provide the bad role models for our teenagers. But now Francesco Schettino, captain of the grounded cruise ship Costa Concordia, has pushed the athletes and all the Kardashians off the Internet home pages and become the poster boy for bad behavior.

Photo by Rvongher, Wikimedia Commons

As we wait to learn the fate of passengers and crew still missing after the disaster, are there lessons from Schettino's actions we can discuss with our kids?

Consider the consequences of your behavior. For personal reasons, Schettino purposefully diverted his ship from its predetermined route, bringing it closer to the island of Gigilo where it hit rocks and later keeled over on its side. Encourage your teens, before they engage in actions that might be risky, to use their good judgment to think through potential outcomes and weigh the risks against the rewards. They may be less dramatic than those Schettino faces, yet important to their future.

Recognize real danger and act to protect from it. The captain and crew first denied the actual emergency, telling passengers only that the ship's power was out. The message to abandon ship came only after the Concordia had capsized, making many of the lifeboats inaccessible. While you don't want your children to be overly tense and vigilant in all situations, prepare them to guard their safety when a threat is, in fact, imminent.

Take responsibility for your actions. Schettino defied the accepted maritime standard of conduct: when it is necessary to abandon ship, the captain accepts his position of leadership and is the last one to leave. He ignored his duty to evacuate all of the passengers before getting into a lifeboat himself. When your kids are faced with an ethical choice, help them to rely on inner strength to do what is right so they won't have regrets later.

Don't lie. When asked by the owner of the cruise line about the situation, Schettino did not at first tell them about the severe damage the rocks had made in the ship. He withheld key parts of the whole story in an attempt to shield himself. As a result, the owners were not able to arrange for adequate rescue services immediately after the disaster. If your teens are tempted to shade the facts, help them remember that you respect their decision to tell the truth.

To read about positive role models - and real heroes like Captains "Sully" Sullenberger and Richard Phillips - join our email list, to the left of this post. You'll receive our free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, and also a link to download a complimentary ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching For Your Goals.

Virtual Book Tour: Mother Daughter Show

2012-01-18T07:16:00.001-08:00

Today we’re delighted to welcome Natalie Wexler to our Virtual Book Tour. Her recently published novel, The Mother Daughter Show, is both hilarious and poignant. We know it will appeal to anyone who's ever had a daughter, and to anyone who's ever been one. So let’s get started:

Nourishing Relationships: What inspired you to write The Mother Daughter Show?

Natalie Wexler: I wrote The Mother Daughter Show partly to try to maintain a sense of humor about a situation I found myself in - the real Mother Daughter Show, a longstanding tradition at Sidwell Friends School, where my daughter was a senior.

Every year the mothers of graduating senior girls write and perform a musical revue for their daughters, and it seems like almost every year peculiar things happen between the mothers. I wanted to understand why - what was it about this situation that made people act in ways they usually don’t? One obvious possible reason was that the senior year of high school is a stressful year, for mothers as well as daughters: there’s the pressure of applying to college, the stress of wondering where your child will get in, and the emotions stirred by the prospect of your precious little girl leaving the nest.

So I wanted to explore that, but I also saw the novel as an opportunity to write more broadly about the mother-daughter relationship. I gave each of my three main characters (Amanda, Susan, and Barb) a mother of her own as well as a teenage daughter, to allow for a multi-generational aspect to the book. There are tensions between these older mothers and daughters as well, and one of the mothers, Barb, is stretched thin caring for her ailing mother while trying to control her rebellious daughter.

Also, Susan and Amanda begin to see some parallels between the way they interact with their daughters and the way they’ve interacted - or perhaps still interact - with their own mothers. (There’s nothing like having a teenage daughter to give you some empathy for your own mother!) And Barb realizes that her difficulty confronting her daughter may be a reaction against her own mother’s penchant for criticism. Inevitably, our relationships with our kids are affected by our relationships with our own parents, one way or another, and I wanted to examine that.

N R: Who is your favorite character in the book, and why?

Natalie: I suppose I feel closest to Amanda, although she is no more “me” than any of the other characters are real individuals. But she fills the role that I did in planning the show, which is to say writing funny lyrics to a bunch of existing songs. Just as I did, she gets totally wrapped up in the creative process, unable to stop herself from churning out song lyric after song lyric, even when it becomes clear that other mothers want to take the show in a different direction.

I also sympathize with Amanda’s dilemma as a longtime stay-at-home mother who needs to make money and cherishes what seems to be an impossible dream: to find a job that not only pays well but also provides an outlet for her talents and gives her a sense of self-fulfillment. That can be tough at any point in life, but it’s a real challenge for someone in their fifties who’s been out of the workforce for twenty years - and is trying to re-enter it in the middle of a recession.

N R: What turned out to be your greatest challenge in writing The Mother Daughter Show?

Natalie: Coming up with a plot that worked. My first several drafts hewed much more closely to the show itself, and several readers told me that I needed more dramatic action. Apparently the mechanics of the show just weren’t that interesting to the general public! I wanted to keep the show as the background that framed the story, though, so the challenge was to come up with another plot that I could somehow shoehorn into the one I had. At first I didn’t think I could do it, but eventually I figured it out.

N R: Your own children attended an elite private school in D.C. How much of your story was drawn from real life?

Natalie: In terms of the details, not that much. To some extent I’m satirizing things that probably go on in any private school milieu (although as far as I’m aware, Sidwell is the only school that has a Mother Daughter Show - and I’ve learned they’ve decided to discontinue it). Of course, there’s a Washington, D.C. aspect that’s distinctive. For instance, a President’s daughter attends my fictional school, and the Obama girls currently attend Sidwell. But the Presidential daughter in the novel, who is an extremely minor character, is clearly not Sasha or Malia, any more than any of the characters are real people.

What I did borrow from real life about that situation is the excitement surrounding the presence of the First Family at the school, at least when they first got there (the novel begins in February 2009). In the book, tickets to the annual auction and the school play sell at an unprecedented rate, because people think the President and First Lady might show up. That really happened, more or less. Of course, as in the book, the President didn’t end up attending many school functions, apparently because he was a little preoccupied with trying to solve the nation’s problems.

All that having been said, I think many of the themes in the book transcend the private school milieu, and I hope that just about anyone - whether their kids go to private school or not - will be able to identify with them.

N R: You are an accomplished author, having written the award-winning historical novel, A More Obedient Wife and now the contemporary satire The Mother Daughter Show. Can you speak to the differences in your approach to each project?

Natalie: The two novels are quite different, and the creative process was different in many ways as well. To write a historical novel, you have to immerse yourself in the period you’re writing about (in the case of A More Obedient Wife, the 1790s). That requires a lot of research, and even then you’re always worrying that you’ve gotten something wrong (at least I was!). So it was a nice change not to have to grapple with that for The Mother Daughter Show. Instead of burying myself in the library, I could just use my observations about the world around me.

Also, with A More Obedient Wife, my starting point was real letters between real people who lived 200 years ago. I saw my task as recreating, as much as possible, the lost lives and personalities of these people, while at the same time constructing a coherent plot. With The Mother Daughter Show, my goal was more to get away from what really happened. In a way, I knew the situation I was writing about too well—it was tempting to just write down what happened rather than create a well developed story. And at the same time, I knew too little. To create characters that work, an author needs to know them inside out, and I simply didn’t know the other women working on the show that well. Maybe it would have been easier to just write down what really happened, but it wouldn’t have worked as a novel.

Thanks, Natalie, we really appreciate your spending time with us today. You can learn more about Natalie and her writing on her website. And now it’s your turn, readers – click on ‘Comments’ below, follow the prompts and share your remarks or ask Natalie questions. We'll be glad you did!

Martin Luther King and Willpower

2012-01-16T05:53:00.001-08:00

On Martin Luther King Day, we pay tribute to the civil rights movement and Dr. King’s quest for equality. He had a clear purpose, persevering through hardship and frustration in order to reach his goals. Courage, willpower and tenacity were his strengths, and they can be yours too.

Photo by Caboindex - Flickr.com

You may not be facing the same struggles Dr. King did. But in January we make New Year’s resolutions and try to find the courage to engage our willpower. Who hasn’t, at the beginning of one year or another, put eat less or work out more at the top of their ‘to do’ list?

Willpower is a strength we all have. It’s like a muscle that needs to be exercised. And the more you use it, the stronger it becomes. Here are some ideas about how to build yours:

Find role models. Spend time with friends and family who understand what you need in order to get what you want. Gravitate toward those who are allies and who share your goals. Believe it or not, you can actually ‘catch’ self-control.

Reduce stress. Under pressure you can become irritable, anxious or frustrated. Know your limits, don't take on too much, learn to say no and get enough sleep. If your brain is tired, it has a harder time resisting temptation.

Reframe challenges. Turn the negatives into positives and see them as something you want to, not have to, do. Practice testing yourself first by making small changes. And then reward that, perhaps not with dessert but with a day at the spa or theater with friends.

Studies show that powerful memories and positive thoughts about what you value can enhance willpower. Problems with self-control occur when you’re caught up in the moment and distracted from your goals. You may want to be ready to run that 5K in 2 months but you’re looking at a piece of apple pie now. Thinking about values moves you away from present pleasures toward long term gains.

So start small as you strengthen your mental muscle in your quest for self improvement. Plan to go to the gym one day a week or give up just one food. You’ll find that you increase your self-control. And in the process, like Dr. Martin Luther King, you’ll build character and willpower reserve for the bigger challenges ahead.

Want more information about courage, willpower and reaching your goals? Join the email list to the left of this post - receive our free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, and download a complimentary eBook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching Your Goals.

And log on here again Wednesday for our Virtual Book Tour featuring Natalie Wexler and her delightful novel, The Mother Daughter Show.

Breaking the Inertia and Beginning Your Walks

2012-01-11T08:31:00.001-08:00

Now that you've taken the time for some honest self-reflection about your New Year's resolutions, have you identified what's holding you back? Until you recognize what's causing the obstacles, you can't begin to map out a plan to implement your walking program. Here are some things to consider:

Photo courtesy of graur codrin at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Have you actually committed to a walking plan? Your family and friends can provide a sounding board as well as the motivation to begin and stay with your stated objectives. Putting your goals in black and white gives them credibility and helps you take yourself more seriously. Decide on an activity that you enjoy and will stick with - walking outside with friends, using a treadmill at the gym or enjoying the quiet of a walk on your own.

Did you set realistic expectations with goals you can accomplish? If not, you may need to scrap your original list and come up with less grandiose aspirations. If your original plan of 30 minutes of brisk walking each day seems like too much for now, plan to break it up into two or even three segments. Don't beat yourself up for falling short of promises you made that were out of reach. Who hasn't made mistakes? Take it one day at a time as you revise and come up with a Plan B that works for you.

How can you break through your inertia and get started? It's always easier to keep doing the same things than to make a U-turn. You'll need to draw on your strengths, resources and what worked for you before. Use these as you face the challenges of creating a new walking regimen. You can set up reinforcements to give you that extra push out the door. Once you've gotten used to your new pattern, it will be easier to continue.

What about resetting your priorities? You can reactivate your sense of control by looking hard at your list of priorities and making changes in them. Do you really need to spend that extra time during lunch break surfing the net or play video games after dinner? Instead create new opportunities for yourself - use that time to begin your walks, short as they may be at first.

There may be limits to what you can accomplish in your 2012 New Year's Resolutions, but know you can go one step at a time. Make a commitment to cut through the inertia, set a realistic goal - without expecting perfection in your results - and make it a priority to get out that door.

Becoming Your Own Expert

2012-01-09T07:24:00.000-08:00

Are you tired of hearing the same ole, same ole…the "experts" telling you what to do? Everywhere you look this time of year, you can find someone waxing on about what kind of New Year's resolutions to set for yourself and how to achieve them. But really, don't you know yourself better than anyone else does? So how about treating yourself as the expert for a change and listen to your own voice.

You don't need to have anyone lecture you that adding a walking routine to your schedule will help you feel better, physically and emotionally, in 2012. You already have that awareness - but is that enough to get you out the door?

Photo by L.E. Erickson - Flickr.com

You could remind yourself that research has shown walking helps in weight control as well as in reducing the risk of cardiovascular disease. Or that it works to increase your brain flexibility and decrease memory loss. Or even that brisk walking can provide a cushion against symptoms of depression.

But you know all of that. You understand that walking is the most uncomplicated exercise, the easiest to implement and one that is so flexible that you can tailor it around your own schedule. You can begin at any age or level and increase the speed and length during the year. And you can add in the benefits of social companionship or an appreciation of nature if you like.

So what's holding you back? Think about it. It could be your physical condition and a fear of hurting yourself. But more likely it's about inertia or setting your priorities. If you haven't made a public commitment to change, it's less likely that you'll actually go ahead with the new behaviors you want to implement. Identify what your own personal obstacles are and visit our blog again on Wednesday for some suggestions to help you ramp up the volume of your inner voice so you can make the changes you've set for yourself in 2012.

Journaling in the New Year

2012-01-04T02:25:00.001-08:00

With this just the first week of 2012, your new year's resolutions may still be fresh in your mind. But as Sandwiched Boomers, caring for aging parents and growing kids, chances are that won’t last. Writing down your goals and intentions in a journal can help clarify them. And checking your list regularly will help you stay motivated. Here are some ideas as you begin to explore the journaling process:

Photo courtesy of eblaser - Flickr.com

Identify your strengths. Create an assets inventory or a list of your accomplishments as a way to appreciate yourself. What are your natural talents? What comes so easily you often don't notice it? And what about the acquired skills you’ve used successfully? Mark this page and, when you're feeling vulnerable, review it.

Make a gratitude list. This can be a reminder of what is good in your life. Consider how positively others view you and the ways you support them. Who sees you as a role model and why? What in your life experience has led you to wisdom? Remember to honor these insights.

Embrace change. As you move toward your goals, continue an active process of getting to know your true self. Write about what you really value, care about and want - your dreams and passions? An empty journal won't help make your dreams come true but a well loved and often used one might do just that.

Journaling gives perspective and restores sanity. It can be a lifeline as well as a record.

Writing by hand can activate the mind/body connection. It gets you past the obvious and underneath the surface. And it lets you delve into issues and untangle messes. Studies show that journaling keeps you healthy by releasing mental toxins and deepening awareness. You’ll see, there’s something magical about putting pen to paper, regardless of who you are.

Begin a Journal in 2012

2012-01-02T07:22:00.001-08:00

Have you made your 2012 New Year’s resolutions or aligned your energy with your deepest intentions? Want to know the best way to stay on track? Keep a journal.

Photo by Skrive - Flickr.com

This process helps you create a plan and the tools to actualize it.

Treat your journal like a good friend who listens without interrupting, criticizing or judging. Write about anything that comes to mind, like what’s bothering you or what’s not working. Journaling can clear your head and relieve stress. It helps you work through problems as well as opens you up to new ideas.

If you’re ready to give it a try, let these practical tips guide you:

Begin to write. By getting your ideas out of your head and onto paper you can examine them objectively and pursue goals that are right for you. Think about what may be holding you back or what you're protecting. Ask questions like, what am I afraid of? Or why am I sabotaging myself? Try to write without censoring. If you follow a stream of consciousness, you’ll uncover new ideas and meaningful answers.

Isolate pessimistic thoughts. Access the negative self-beliefs that prevent you from living the life you want. And write down the deep, dark secrets you're too scared to admit out loud. Then counter these with positive affirmations. Focus on how much others value you and how you contribute to the lives of family and friends.

Release emotions. If you have pent up feelings, writing can be cathartic. It helps you regulate your negative emotions and savor your positive ones. If you let go of judgment and trust your feelings, you'll open up to a deeper, more expressive experience. Read between the lines of your journal and trust what you discover - ways that you can express yourself, resolve conflict, gain closure, find inner strength, build relationships.

If you already journal, please tell our readers still on the fence the most important reason why. And log on here Wednesday for more ideas about journaling.

In the meantime, do you want more support to move toward your 2012 goals or intentions? Sign the email list to the left of this post to receive our free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, and download a complimentary eBook about reaching your goals.

Thinking About Your New Year's Resolutions

2011-12-28T07:53:00.001-08:00

Now that you've made the exchanges in your Christmas or Chanukah gifts, do you think it's time to begin thinking about the changes you want to make in yourself this coming New Year?

You may have your own unique list of improvements you want to make - stop smoking, lose some extra pounds, exercise more, live a healthier lifestyle, spend quality time with family and friends. No matter what makes up your set of New Year's Resolutions, change is never easy. If you're wondering what can help you take that first step, here are some ideas to keep in mind as you get started:

Photo courtesy of husin.sani - Flickr.com

Be open to trying something new. Let your creativity flourish as you open yourself up to new possibilities. You can strive for something that may have eluded your grasp in the past. Search for a different way to get to where you want to be.

Keep your resolutions realistic. When you honestly believe that you can attain your target, you'll work harder to move in that direction. Setting overly ambitious, idealistic targets that you're unlikely to reach can stop you cold even before you begin.

Break your goals down into smaller parts that you can complete, one at a time. Baby steps taken one after another will transport you a long distance. You'll feel freer to continue knowing that each objective is within your reach.

Visualize yourself accomplishing each objective you set. Athletes are more successful after envisioning themselves playing well. When you create a picture in your mind of going through each step you need to succeed, you'll find that the process is easier to finish.

As you likely know, making the commitment to change is only the first part of actually achieving your goals. It can be difficult to stay on track and backsliding often becomes an issue. But you don't have to do it alone. Visit our blog often in 2012 for practical tips to help you stay motivated and chart your progress as you move forward toward accomplishing your New Year's resolutions. When you reach your target, you'll recognize that all your hard work was well worth it.

Our very best to you for a safe and happy, healthy New Year as we welcome in 2012.

Sandwich Generation: Self Care for the Holidays

2011-12-22T00:57:00.001-08:00

As card carrying members of the Sandwich Generation, do you ever come first in your long list of daily responsibilities? Make an exception over the week between Christmas and New Years. Take some well-deserved time just for you.

Photo courtesy of Nina Matthews Photography - Flickr.com

Ask for what you need. Pronounce the Christmas meal potluck and don't feel guilty about it. If they insist, let your family help with the dishes after the holiday dinner. Accept your friend's offer to bring an appetizer - or even the main course - to the New Year's Eve party. Everyone will be glad to play a more active role and you'll have more time and energy to participate in the festivities.

Give yourself a break. Arrange for your out of town guests to stay in a hotel - it actually may be a relief for all of you, and the beginning of a welcome new holiday tradition. Instead of worrying about all the desserts you've consumed, use that energy to take a brisk walk in the park. Or pay off some debt rather than taking the family on an expensive outing; they will understand and grow from the experience.

Find emotional support. Are you facing the challenges of college kids coming home, integrating new in-laws into the family, caring for the growing needs of your parents or all of the above? Take a deep breath and call a friend. Share your feelings about what's going on in your family. Relish in getting it off your chest, some positive feedback, a different perspective or a good laugh.

Give yourself a stress-free IOU and relax into the idea of some peace of mind. You really don't have to deal with the mall mob scene. This season give the gift of time together to your family members, and tell them it's the perfect gift to give back to you. It's a present that will let you all know how much each other cares, and it's sure to be the right size. Have a joyous and relaxing holiday season!

Sandwiched Boomers: Gift of Health

2011-12-21T09:40:00.001-08:00

Americans are very busy spending lots of money on gift cards. With the holidays now right around the corner, your stress level may be stuck on high. And if that's so, a medical gift card, which some credit card companies and health care providers issue, could be exactly what the doctor ordered.

Photo courtesy of Shoshana - Flickr.com

The targeted audience for these medical gift cards are members of the Sandwich Generation. They're the ones buying presents for parents who have increasing health needs. They're also looking to gift their kidults, who are concerned about fitness and in college or living on their own. This gift can be used toward a variety of health related services – prescription co-pays, medical or dental visits, contact lenses, even some wellness programs, elective surgery and gym memberships.

We know you're probably trying to maintain a life in balance while still honoring the complexity of the holiday season. See if you can figure out what means the most to you. Then make a decision to focus on what you want to do, not on what you have to do. Let this time of year be a major step toward taking care of your own needs. As you begin to lay the groundwork for change in your gift giving rituals, treat yourself to better health by keeping your stress in check. Log on here tomorrow - we'll have some tips about taking care of you during the holiday season.

Did your holiday celebration begin last night with lighting the first candle, eating latkes, playing games and opening gifts? If so, we wish a Happy Hanukah to all of you!

Sandwiched Boomers and the Gift of Time

2011-12-20T07:55:00.000-08:00

As a Sandwiched Boomer caring for parents growing older and kids growing up, perhaps you're feeling under more pressure this week. The days are flying by and there's still so much to do for the holidays. And you may not be finished shopping for your Hanukah, Christmas or Kwanzaa presents. How about a few more ideas that won't break the bank?

Photo by Brainedge - Flickr.com

Give of yourself. Enjoy time with your friends by inviting them over for an evening of fun. Organize a potluck and have them bring their signature dish. Cut down on expenses by exchanging memories instead of presents. Or express yourself and create some of your holiday gift items. Make a coupon book filled with orders for good deeds. Add a personal touch by baking and decorating cookies with the kids. Show others you care with an IOU to babysit so they can have a much needed night out.

Give to yourself. Take some down time over the holidays and get comfortable with you. For a couple of hours each day, try not to focus on your problems. Curl up with a great book from the library, watch the ballgame with your teens or take your grandkids to the park. Enjoy peace of mind by paying down your debts. Hold back from buying lots of gifts or taking the family on an expensive outing. Decide together how to spend a fun and relaxing day. Your family will understand and grow from the experience.

The holidays don't always have to look like a Norman Rockwell painting.

You create more stress if you stick only to old routines and traditions. Try not to operate on automatic pilot. Begin to lay the groundwork for change in your gift giving rituals. As you can see, it doesn't have to cost you anything but time. And when money is tight and life is challenging, connection and support can mean the most.

It will be a gift to yourself when you recreate the joy of simpler days. Small changes can represent a new beginning. Take heart as you give a little that feels like a lot. And in these hard times, that's a good lesson for all of us.

The Sandwich Generation: Preparing for the Holidays

2011-12-19T07:21:00.000-08:00

The economic struggles and crisis in confidence have lasted far too long. And the hardships are particularly evident during the holiday season. Are you feeling stretched by the financial pressure? If you're facing tough buying decisions, the responsibilities of the holidays may even be getting you down. These are challenging times for the Sandwich Generation.

This year you may just have to let go of the idea of a perfect Christmas, Hanukah or Kwanzaa.

Photo courtesy of Asnat - Flickr.com

Even though it's important to honor the tradition of giving, the accumulation of material things can't hold a candle to the gift that matters most. Bringing cheer to others is a great way to cheer you up as well. And you can do it without breaking into your savings account. With the holidays fast approaching, you certainly don't want to add more pressure to your life. So follow these ideas to keep stress in check as you focus on more joy and less stuff:

Give the gift of connection. Put more heart in your relationships. Arrange a regular weekly date with your parents. Invite them to lunch, a museum or the movies. Send a card to an old friend with whom you've lost contact. Enclose a recent family photo, your email address and a promise to keep in touch. Drive an elderly neighbor to the grocery store, a doctor's appointment or the library.

Give to a worthy cause. Get the family or a group of friends together and spend a couple of hours helping out at a homeless shelter. Pass forward gifts you've received or bring some hardly used toys and clothes. Buy a small present for a homeless person you regularly pass on the street and make eye contact when you give it. Put a big smile on your face and help cook Christmas dinner at a soup kitchen. Make a donation to Aunt Mary's favorite charity; every gift counts no matter how much you spend.

We appreciate your reading our blog posts and passing them on to your family and friends. Here's our early gift to you - thanks for your support and loyalty!

Poets Gloria Vando and Bill Hickok Visit our Blog

2011-12-14T08:51:00.000-08:00

Today we have a unique Virtual Book Tour for you - a married couple who each have published books of their poetry, Gloria Vando and Bill Hickok. Gloria has been writing poetry since she was in junior high school but for Bill it's a more recent avocation. Gloria's poetry has won her accolades and awards over the years and Bill has now received rave notices for his first book, published close to his 80th birthday. We welcome them warmly to our blog today to talk about their love of poetry.

NR: Bill, you just published your first book, The Woman Who Shot Me & Other Poems, at age 80. As a cousin of Wild Bill Hickok and after a career in construction, how did you begin writing poetry?

Bill: Actually I've been writing for years - it comes easily to me. When I have an idea, I can just start, with no writer's block. I've done many op-ed pieces for major newspapers - I enjoyed making them humorous. After meeting Gloria at an art opening in Kansas City over 30 years ago and getting married six months later, I began studying poetry. In 1992, we founded The Writer's Place, a literary center in Kansas City - and ever since we moved to Los Angeles, I've been active in a poetry workshop group here.

NR: How do the poems in The Woman Who Shot Me reflect who you are now?

Bill: The book is a mixture of memory, fantasy, and how I feel today. I'm lucky in that flashbacks to my youth will appear from years ago and I build on that to create a poem. At my age, I have a long span to look back on.

NR: What's it like living with another poet? How does that affect your work?

Bill: We're very supportive of each other. We have no ego in it. If one of us asks, "What do you think?" we'll give suggestions about how to add "meat" to the work - to move the reader through laughter, tears, recognition.

NR: Gloria, you've won numerous prizes and honors for your books, including awards for Promesas: Geography of the Impossible and Shadows & Supposes. How did you decide to dedicate your life to writing poetry?

Gloria: It was never a conscious choice. I vacillated between three loves: philosophy, literature, and painting. I thought for a while I would be an artist. But every time I tried to make art I felt inhibited, as though I were communicating in the wrong language, writing with the wrong hand. The correct hand, the comfortable hand, drew words.

But I think my love of poetry goes back to my childhood. I grew up in a family that revered literature. Every aunt, uncle, cousin could recite major poems by heart. My grandmother, with whom I lived as a child, regaled me with poems and stories. She was an avid reader and storyteller. My father was a poet and my mother’s first poetry book was published when she was 68 years old. My daughter, Anika, a singer-songwriter, is now writing poems too, so I suppose it runs in the family. As a child, I attended many Sunday afternoon recitals that featured Latino entertainers in a variety of art forms that included dance, operatic arias, string quartets, classical guitarists, and declamadores, who recited poetry and got standing ovations. Looking back on this now, I see that my early appreciation of poetry must have begun then. I was keenly aware of the deep and sincere respect the sizable Latino audience maintained for poetry and for those who wrote and recited it. I began memorizing poems at an early age. And I began writing them.

NR: What part do you think your multicultural background has played in your poetry?

Gloria: As a member of two cultures I feel a part of, yet apart from, each one - a tricky balancing act, because poems have to be anchored somewhere. I enjoy my bilingualism. Many Spanish words have an emotional content for me that their English counterparts cannot approximate. To write solely in English would be less than satisfying in certain situations. And Spanish has a rhythm and music that I feel enriches my work, especially in my first book, Promesas, which deals with the immigrant experience and my family roots.

One always hopes for a universal theme, one that touches everyone. As artists we are out of the mainstream, the outsiders, so it’s comforting to connect with others through our craft. I hope to gain understanding, empathy, acceptance of other cultures. There is entirely too much unnecessary suffering in the world. Perhaps I can help alleviate a bit of it.

NR: What are your muses? Where does your inspiration come from?

Gloria: Stanley Kunitz said poems are gifts. And they are! They come at odd times and I am thankful for them. I wrote one of my favorite poems, “Growing Into Lilac,” while driving a car on Fairfax Avenue in Los Angeles. Not having a camera, I made a picture with words: “Three women in lilac saris, their scarves / uncurling in the cool afternoon breeze, / carry their children in their arms beneath / a canopy of jacaranda trees,…”

As a rule I prefer to write poetry late at night when it’s quiet and my censors are fast asleep. I let the poem take me wherever it wants. The initial writing is almost unconscious. It’s an adventure, a discovery. I write longhand, in pen, on blank paper so there are no lines to inhibit me. Then I transcribe it to my computer, print it out, revise it, print it out again, revise it again, and again.

NR: In addition to writing poetry, you also publish others' works. Tell us a little about Helicon Nine Editions, where you are the editor-in-chief.

Gloria: In 1977, I founded Helicon Nine: The Journal of Women’s Arts & Letters - we published the work of over 500 women artists, writers, musicians, and scholars. In 1990 it evolved into Helicon Nine Editions, a small press that publishes fine books of poetry, fiction, essays, and anthologies.

NR: What's coming up for you now?

Gloria: A truly wonderful project! My mother, my daughter, and I have a book of our poems, Woven Voices: Three Generations of Puertorriqueñas Look at Their American Lives, coming out this spring with the cover done by another daughter, Lorca. I’m co-editing and publishing an anthology of poems about the economy, In the Black/ In the Red: Poems of Profit & Loss, which features prize-winning poets and artists including four poets laureate of the United States and of individual States

NR: What's it like to work with your mother and daughter?

Gloria: It’s a privilege and a pleasure. My mother is wise and talented and a survivor---she's 95. She's also very funny and we giggle a lot. My children are kind, gracious, generous, and they make me laugh. They care about people, the world, the animal kingdom, the environment - they're activists. And they're creative: musicians and in theatre. They are, in short, what we call in Spanish, buena gente (good people). They give me hope for the future of our planet.

NR: What advice would you give to other women wanting to pursue a career in the arts?

Gloria: Envision where you want to go and start there. Try to get lots of support. I have this ridiculous idea that I can do anything I set out to do. Now that's pure nonsense, because I'll never be able to fly. But I can soar in metaphorical ways. And you can too.

Here’s a story I tell my students. I grew up reading T.S. Eliot, William Butler Yeats, and the other gods of that generation. They were a tough act to follow - not to mention Shakespeare. I once asked Virgil Thomson, the American composer, who had studied music in Paris with Nadia Boulanger, why so many young American composers went to Paris to study with her. “Because,” he said, “she gave us permission not to write like Beethoven. She gave me permission to write like me, a young Baptist from Missour-ah!” I was so happy that I hugged and kissed him, because he had given me permission to write like Gloria Vando—in other words, someone with a unique vision to share and to celebrate!

NR: Our thanks to Gloria and Bill for joining us today and reminding each of us that we have permission to be our authentic selves. If any of you aspiring artists out there have questions for our poet friends, click on "comments" and let us hear from you.

Caring for Yourself and Aging Parents at Holiday Time

2011-12-12T00:46:00.000-08:00

Amidst all the celebrating during these holidays, if you're a Sandwiched Boomer, torn between caring for growing children and aging parents, you may be bogged down by your responsibilities and having a hard time getting into the spirit of the season. I know I did when I was taking care of my parents a decade ago. They moved in with me after my mother developed cognitive impairment due to a stroke, and they lived with us until their deaths years later. When I was just too exhausted, my husband insisted we get help and that made a huge difference in all of our lives.

Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

While you're busy caring for others, remember to take good care of yourself too. Make time for fun and take advantage of free time you set aside for yourself. You can nurture yourself even when you're focused on nourishing others. Remember what Ben Franklin said about how to keep yourself young: We do not stop playing because we grow old, We grow old because we stop playing!

If you're a Sandwiched Boomer, we've got some resources to help you take better care of yourself, manage daily hassles and reduce long-term stress. Use them to create some energy so you can enjoy the holidays this year.

AARP recently hosted an event focused on identifying what can be done to support caregivers, bringing together 10 authors - including Gail Sheehy and Walter Mosley - who have hands on experience themselves caring for loved ones. You can view the archived webcast of the event on the AARP website.

If you're caring for a loved one at home, find out about respite care options and caregiver resources that will give you the break you need. You may want to consult the Private Duty Homecare Association, which is devoted to overcoming the challenges of aging in place. And you can a look at their past webinars on various aspects of at-home care, which may help your loved one maintain a sense of independence and feelings of security. Home Instead Senior Care can also help overcome obstacles in assisting your loved one's aging in place, including gift ideas for the holidays.

When you feel you are no longer able to care for a loved one by yourself, you may begin looking for other options. Assisted Living Today has compiled a series of articles to help determine the best type of care for your loved one. Especially helpful is the information in their Assisted Living Care Guide. For those of you who have a parent with Alzheimer's or other dementia their Memory Care Guide provides facts about different types of facilities caring for those with Alzheimer's Disease as well as questions and answers to help you make decisions about caring for your loved one.

November was Alzheimer's Awareness month, bringing attention to the estimated 5 million who suffer from this disease. The Alzheimer's Association provides information and support to those with Alzheimer's as well as for their caregivers.

If you want to read more about eldership, AgeSong features Dr. Nader Shabahangi who has been writing about the aging process and the need for community to ensure a positive outlook - for caregivers as well as their loved ones. You may find his white papers interesting and informative, especially if you're caring for a loved one.

Treat yourself to an important holiday gift this year - your decision to take good care of yourself even with the pull of your aging parents and growing children. You deserve it.

Raising Kids - Little Athletes, Big Leaders

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"To score on and off the field, your child must first have clear goals and the will, knowledge, and discipline to attain them," says Bruce Beaton. He's a Canadian Football League All-Star, two-time Grey Cup winner and author of Little Athletes Big Leaders: Effective Sports Parenting.

I love this book, being the grandma of five boys, all involved in one sport or another. I spend a lot of time cheering on the sidelines of baseball diamonds, soccer fields, basketball courts. Trust me, Beaton, with his in-depth and honest approach, has written the go-to guide for parents who want to raise kids to be leaders in youth sports and beyond.

Benton says, "Children generally model what they see, and react less effectively to what they hear, especially when the two contradict. Why not set a goal to teach children by example, and then use your voice to question, guide, and connect?" As a role model for your kids, this may be reinforcing what you already know or a wake-up call.

Beaton warns parents not to be negative with their sports parenting. "Our positive talk will become their positive self-talk, and we will create an enthusiastic athlete who loves the entire learning experience." He encourages parents to notice and comment often on their kids' hard work, team spirit, persistence, winning attitude.

Purposeful daily work is the key to forging strong character. And practice leads to mastery and self confidence. Benton writes, "You can teach them that focusing on a proven, effective approach, rather than dwelling on short term results, is the key to both peak performance and long term success. The expectation is simply for them to do their best every day in order to be the best they are capable of being."

If you're a parent, remember that little eyes are watching and little ears are listening. Your children see potential through your eyes, create connections through your hands and discover opportunity through your choices. You are the filter through which your kids learn how to get along with others and how to make a difference in the world. Help them build their character and skills while they build their goals and dreams. On Bruce's website, you can read more about him, his ideas and his book.

Parents as Positive Role Models

2011-12-05T06:30:00.001-08:00

Your children may or may not do as you say, but chances are they'll do as you do. There's no getting around it. You serve as a role model through your attitudes and behavior inside and outside the family. Just remember, someone impressionable is watching, listening and learning from your example.

Should you be flawless? Of course not. But show them your best self. You can use these practical tips as you teach your kids how to:

Solve problems. Children need to know how and why you make the choices that you do. They learn what you value every time you make the extra effort. Your decisions don’t only impact you, so talk to them when you consider your parents' needs before your own, put money in their college fund, help out in the homeless shelter.

Care for themselves. What are some of your lifestyle choices for sleep, nutrition, fun? The habits you set for health, diet, exercise, smoking or drinking are regularly passed on. And your attitudes and interests will shape your kids' experiences for years to come. You've heard it before, that 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.'

Show respect. Do you sometimes take your partner for granted or step over co-workers in order to get ahead? Try to take the moral high ground by practicing how to apologize, forgive and express gratitude. When you model ethical decision-making and follow it up with appropriate behavior, you enhance your children's understanding of how they can feel good about themselves and do the same for others.

Admit mistakes. Ever been caught swearing in traffic? Nobody’s perfect. Coming clean can have a powerful influence on your kids' emotional growth. When you have a tough choice to make, allow them to see how you work through the problem, weight the pros and cons and come to a decision. By sharing your efforts to resolve conflict at work or calmly discussing family problems, they learn non-aggressive responses to stress, frustration or anger.

Think positive. Talk about your own role models growing up. Let your children observe you setting and reaching your goals. Introduce them to role models with admirable qualities who are working to make a difference. When you see them demonstrate praiseworthy characteristics, be sure to let them know. Teach them to continue striving for what they want while being happy with how far they've already come.

While your children are busy taking their cues from you, recognize that actions speak louder than words. Getting out of your comfort zone will challenge them to do it themselves. Your appreciating diversity will encourage your kids to accept differences, including their own. Let them know what you stand for and embrace your hopes and values. Live as if someone is watching, because they are.