The HobbiT's HabitaT

I Hate Running

2011-10-10T01:49:00.001+10:30

I hate running.
I really do.

I think it's something to do with not pacing myself well.
The feeling like my heart is going to burst and the itch on my legs is almost unbearable at times.

I've managed to successfully dodge RunNat for 2 years now.
Each time I do it, I always wind up feeling a tinge of regret.
"You're such a wimp. Can't you even do 5km?" my conscience jeers.

So somehow, I stumbled into this year's run.
Due to a new-Christian friend's child-like enthusiasm.
Though I largely blame myself for inviting him to Coalition 58's concert at the Dream Centre.

And I know.
I could have said "No".

But I have this weird way of thinking about stuff I don't want to do.
Stuff I'm afraid to do.

Somehow, I always feel, that it's God's way of nudging me to do it.
So I did it anyway.

And so this very reluctant participant woke up on Saturday morning, the 8th of October 2011 to run.
Very grudgingly.

While I was on the way there, I was still arguing with God in my head.
"I can pray at home what. I don't need to run. EVERYBODY says it's NOT about the run. So why should I run?"

Deep down inside, I knew, in some way, it IS about the run.
Maybe not for Victor, the founder of RunNat.
Maybe not for the committee, or the ambassadors.
Maybe not even for the nation.
But for me, it would be.

You see, I always ask myself, "What price are you willing to pay?"
I was willing to start my working life in an NGO.
I was willing to march the streets of KL to fight for clean and fair elections.
I was willing to shower an old lady who could no longer clean herself.
I was willing to teach a child with learning disabilities.
I was willing to learn to love someone that the world deems unlovely.
But I was just too lazy to run 5km.

Does that seem strange to you?

I guess at the end of the day, we all have to pay a price.
Because if it costs you nothing, then perhaps it isn't worth anything either.

But King David said to Ornan, "No, but I will buy them for the full price. I will not take for the LORD what is yours, nor offer burnt offerings that cost me nothing." 1 Chronicles 21: 24

How can I ask of the Lord to bring truth, righteousness and justice to a nation that needs healing, when I'm not willing to get out of my own armchair?

David,acknowledged his sin, and in his repentance, looked to God, and paid the price.
Am I willing to take up this cross, to confess and ask for God's mercy and forgiveness for Malaysia?
Am I willing to pay the price, of literally pouring my sweat into this?

Honestly speaking, He already IS at work, and He doesn't NEED me to run and pray for the nation.
God ALREADY has Malaysia in His heart and has great, wonderful, indescribable, unfathomable plans to redeem it.

But the running and the praying is for me.
I'm the one who needs it.

I never would have realized how focused I can be when I run and pray at the same time.
I never would have stopped and realized that actually, there's quite a lot of greenery right next to the highway.
I never would have gotten the chance to be "plastered" on a road sign.
I never would have imagined I can actually conquer the hill that is Jalan Maarof.
I mean hey, even my car has difficulty climbing that hill.

Have I changed my mind about running?
Not totally.

But it's a reminder to me, that I shouldn't cheapen my offering.
A token of convenience isn't something I want to waste my time giving.

Incidentally, NOT doing something, also comes at a price.

I counted the cost.
And to me, it was worth it.

'Til the break of day

2011-09-27T03:24:00.000+09:30

Recently, I was at my company's planning retreat. And the opening song was "Give me oil in my lamp".
And suddenly it hit me.
After singing it for so many years.
Suddenly I saw it.
You only need a lamp when it's dark.

And if you're waiting for the break of day... it's gonna be a long wait.
You're probably tired. Sad. And alone.
Coz who's gonna sit up with you to wait for the daylight to come?

Last Sunday was the first time, in a long time, that I was happy to be in church.
No, let me rephrase that.
Last Sunday, I was excited that I was going to meet God in church BEFORE the service started.
The excitement, the anticipation of meeting your best friend, just because.
It was not because of the great sermon you know you're gonna hear.
Or the amazing cell members you'll meet in church.
Or the fantastic worship you know is gonna happen.
It's just coz... He's there.

About halfway through the worship, I was hit by another thought.
(Yes, it's true. I actually think when I'm worshiping.)
And the thought is this: It's easy to be in awe of God when you're on the mountaintop.
For us city folk, that happens about once a year. At best.

It's easy to sing on Sunday, "God, I stand in awe at Your presence".
Or "Down at Your feet oh Lord, is the most high place".
But down at the beggars' feet... not so hot.

It's not easy to be in awe of God when you've got a broken heart.
It's not easy to be in awe of God when you're stuck in a traffic jam. Every day.
It's not easy to be in awe of God when your boss likes to change her mind. Every 30 minutes.
It's not easy to be in awe of God when you're cleaning your baby's poop. Again.
It's not easy to be in awe of God when your husband just WILL NOT throw his socks in the laundry.
It's not easy to be in awe of God when your loved one is slowly, but surely, losing their mind.

But take heart. For the daylight will surely come.
Thankfully, it is He who will give us the oil to keep the fire burning.
It is He who IS faithful, who will help us TO BE faithful.

And when that day breaks upon your shadows of your heart, you will stand.
In awe.

A Farewell Poem

2010-08-27T14:47:00.003+09:30

Well, you have all been so kind

I hope you won't mind

What I'm leaving behind

If I have been blind

Or sometimes have whined

I hope you forgive

My sins all combined

So I'm in a bind

I won't be defined

Or even confined

You all can unwind

Now I have resigned

But, when I dine

I know...

That friends like you

Are truly...

So hard to find.

A Living Eulogy

2010-08-12T11:20:00.000+09:30

Love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your might.

Love your neighbour as yourself.

All my life, since I've known Jesus

This is what I've tried to do

I pray that I have been a blessing to you

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I pray that you know Jesus loves you too

I know I've been selfish and sometimes unkind

I hope you'll forgive me after some time

Please know, that you have been a blessing

To me, yes, it's true

The love you have shown me

In all that you do

I hope you see Jesus in all of my life

His grace is sufficient,

In Him you won't strife

_________________________________________

So, if I were to die tomorrow,

This is what, I would want to be read.

I know God's not done with me,

Or else I'd be dead.

But somehow there still is...

This strange sense of dread

What is wrong with me?

I lie on my bed

Regret that You made me?

No, 'twas for me that you bled

There's much left unsaid

Children unfed,

Me, still unwed

My poor aching head

Oh Lord,

I know... You're ahead

Make what You will of me

By You, I'll be led

I'd be lying

2010-07-14T03:00:00.006+09:30

*Disclaimer: This post may offend you. I also do NOT know everything, and these are my personal opinions. So please bear that in mind when reading this post. Consider yourself informed.

I've been trying to go to bed. But either the night is too warm, or I'm too frustrated.

It's probably both.

So I'm trying to figure out just what's bugging me.
I guess there's a lot.

So it seems to me that the topic of idolatry has come up several times.
I've had to question myself as to what that means.
Coming from a South East Asian country, most of us figure it to mean a physical object that depicts some god or goddess.

But I'm just thinking... sometimes more subtle things can become idols. Things that could be good. Things that start to make us love God less. For example...

Property. Most people who are trained in econs will probably tell you that you should buy a house before you buy a car. Property appreciates but cars depreciate. Good thing to have, right? But what for? Putting aside the accumulation of wealth, a lot of people would say they buy property to have some security. So... security means having a house? So what happened to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding?"

How about love? Here's a tricky one coz most of us will define love differently. But humour me. I shall stick to the popular perspective of love. Some of us can become slaves to our emotions. Some of us already have. And I'll be the first one to admit that I'm one of the most vulnerable to this. I can be so caught up in wanting to feel good, to feel loved, to feel accepted, to feel appreciated, to feel wanted. But in the end, emotions are subject to situations. How we feel often distracts us from the truth. I will often go through periods when I don't feel loved. Does that mean I'm not loved? Far from it! The Bible tells me that nothing, absolutely NOTHING can seperate me from the love of God.

The TRUTH of the matter is that neither angels nor demons (yeah, all those hantu and kiong si or whatever demons you have in your head), neither the present (what comes today) nor the future (2 minutes from now), nor any powers (your boss, your government, your parents), neither height (think Mt. Everest and above) nor depth (imagine being swallowed by an earthquake), nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. That's the truth. Whether I choose to believe it or not. Whether I feel that way or not. There it is.

Ok, some people say, "I just want to be happy. I don't care how I get it, I don't care about the future, I just want to be happy". Happiness is a strange thing. You know, the wisest man in the world says "Laughter is foolish".

Really? You sure he's the wisest man on earth? Who in their right mind would say that?

He even goes on to question, "What does pleasure accomplish?"

Quite a good question, I think.

One most of us have probably never really tried to answer for fear that we will come to only one conclusion.

Ok, maybe we should talk about knowledge. Most people would agree knowledge is power. Great thing to have. I'm definitely pro-education. Up to a point. God gave us brains for a reason. We should use it to glorify Him. The problem is when we start getting a little too smart for our own good. When we start abusing the knowledge we have. Or we start bashing people who just aren't as well-informed as us. I like how Paul puts it. "We know that we all possess knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. But the man who loves God is known by God". (1 Corinthians 8:1-3)
So knowledge, too, can become an idol.

So far I've covered security, love, happiness and knowledge. Each of these things, and many more can become our idol. Many people I know pursue money which seems to buy not just objects, but security. I'm once again reminded of Job who had everything his heart desired. He was not a wicked man. In fact, he was a righteous man. But everything was stripped from him. Wealth that had been accumulated over many years gone in the blink of an eye. How many of us can guarantee that we will not suffer the same fate?

Love. The bible is very clear. "You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of ANYTHING that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth". (Emphasis my own). I can speak from my own personal experience that my idols weren't cast in iron. They were made of flesh and blood. Some were pretty decent-looking. Not scary at all. Looks like the guy next door. Kinda sweet and funny. Gentle and caring.

Lovely to look at. Nice to hold. Put him right back, before your soul's sold.

I know, it's quite a cute line, isn't it? But seriously.
I've often questioned myself as to what the all-mysterious will of God is. What exactly IS that?

It's quite simple, really. I was shocked to find out.
But God's will is for us to be holy.
That's it.
But holiness comes with a price.
Obedience.

Being obedient sometimes means giving up something I really want.
Because I want Jesus to be the one that I love the most, I have to give up anything that I might possibly give all my love to. Like a future in Australia. And my career choices. Or partners who may cause me to stray.

Jesus already paid the ultimate price for me to be sanctified.
Now it's up to me to be obedient to Him.
It's hard. It's freakin' difficult at times.
But it's gonna be oh-so-worth-it in the end.

If I keep taking matters into my own hands, I won't be able to boast of God's goodness and faithfulness.

I'd only be able to credit it to myself.
And we all know that if I said that I'm something...

I'd be lying.

A prayer for your son

2010-07-05T11:25:00.004+09:30

This was initially written for my 'Kai Jie's' coming-soon baby boy.

But I thought it would be nice to share with my friends who have little boys who are either on-the-way or have already arrived. Nothing against little girls! I will probably write one for them soon. =)

So to all those little tots in blue, here is one especially for you:

May your eyes see good in others

May your lips speak words of kindness

May your feet be quick to bring Good News

May your hands be ready for Him to use

May your shoulders be broad to lift up others

May your ears be open to people's troubles

May your mind be ever-questioning

But may your faith be a child-like thing

May you lead a righteous life

And likewise,

May you find such a wife

May you have courage to stand up strong

Hold to integrity all life long

May you have mercy on those who need it

Seek out wisdom, you will receive it

All these things I wish for you

But most of all, this, I pray you do

Know your God, the Lord of Hosts

Jesus Christ, who loves you most

Joy and Peace, you shall find

The Love and Hope of all mankind

Hope you guys enjoy it! Feel free to use it, but credit it to me, ok!

Love,

Qian

It is very good

2010-06-17T15:52:00.005+09:30

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately.

My mom likes words.
I think they mean a lot to her.

I think my mom was blessed to have not just one, but four children.
Not because we're such wonderful kids. But because I just can't imagine how amazing it is that God's hand is working within your very being.

As it is, I often have trouble imagining God is with me all the time. How much more that God is not only with me, but He's within me, designing every detail of my baby.

"For You formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well". - Psalm 139:13-14

I hope I'll be a mom someday.

It is a wonderful privilege God has given exclusively to women.

That He would come so close to us.

A man will just not be able to comprehend it.

You know how they say a pregnant woman has a glow about her?

I believe it's because she's in the presence of God who is constantly at work within her.

Presumptuous?

Perhaps.

But the Bible also talks about Moses' face being radiant after being in God's presence (Exodus 34).

And there's no denying that God is certainly the One who has placed His fingerprints on every single child in their mother's womb.

That means me.

That means you.

And that means my mom as well.

I know my mom has been fearfully and wonderfully made.

I hope she knows that too.

(Maybe I'll print a copy of this for her)

I've also had thoughts of all the moms of children born with disabilities.

If any of you are reading this, you know what?

God has planned and designed your child to be exactly the way he/she is.

And they have also been fearfully and wonderfully and beautifully made.

God sees them, and thinks that it is very good that they are as such.

He made them, after all. =)

They are absolutely, without a doubt, covered with the fingerprints of God.

The one who is blind,

The one who is deaf,

The one who is in a wheelchair,

The one who is mute,

The one with Cerebral Palsy,

The one with Down's,

The one with Autism,

The one with Epilepsy,

The one with Trisomy 13,

The one with with ADHD,

The one with Asperger's,

The one with Dyslexia ,

The one with whatever-disability-that-I-have-forgotten.

God. Made. Each. One.

And God saw everything that he had made, and behold,

it was very good - Genesis 1:31

More Undignified

2010-04-27T17:33:00.005+09:30

So, I've been reading up on the OT.
The readings have now come to David.
I've always been intrigued by him.
Not many can claim to be "a man after God's own heart".

One of the things about David was that he danced and he sang.
Now, I don't know about you, but I perhaps have a very "jakun" mindset about how David used to sing and dance. But the story goes that the ark of the Lord was coming into the City of David.
And David, was so excited! He went down to Obed-Edom to personally see the ark come to the city. And he was rejoicing! (2 Sam 6:12)

Verse 14 tells us that David danced before the Lord with all his might. Now, bear in mind, David isn't some weakling. Or some guy who does ballroom dancing. (No offense to ballroom dancers. I'm a huge fan of it). This is a man who has gone into battle and fought thousands of soldiers. He probably looks something like this:

Ok, maybe not so scary. But you get the picture. I mean, David obviously must have been some kinda dancer if he danced with all. his. might.

So much so, that his wife, Michal "when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart" (v. 16). And when she speaks to him (he's the king, btw), she says "How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!" (v. 20)

Michal is Saul's daughter. She was brought up as royalty. And now she sees the manner in which King David is carrying himself, and obviously has a distaste for it. I mean, hello! Imagine what this is doing for her image as the queen!

And this is David's reply: "It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when He appointed me ruler over the Lord's people Israel - I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor." (v. 21 - 22).

There's 2 things I ask myself:
1. Have I missed the point?
Michal had been blinded by the legalism of things. Getting caught up in how her husband, the king, was behaving rather than rejoicing that the Presence of the Lord was coming back into the city! This is such a significant moment! Finally, after many years, God is going to be reconciled to His people again. And. she. misses... it.

2. Am I willing to be more undignified than this?
You know, reading this passage, this video comes to mind.

Quest Crew... they're doing it for themselves.
But David, he danced in the Presence of God. "I will be humiliated in my own eyes". Half the time, if I'm really honest, I get lost during the worship. My mind travels to what I need to be doing after church. Who I forgot to call. Did I switch off my headlights? Where's my parking token? Or "Hmm... who shall I go for lunch with?"
And even when I'm "present", I'm thinking, "Can I agree with these lyrics? Is it Biblical? If they are, dare I sing it? Should I clap? I'm not really a clappy person."

Sigh... when did I become like this, huh?

So, God. I've come to the conclusion that You gotta help me.
To keep my eyes focused on You.
To dance the dance of life with all my might.
For Your glory.
For Your kingdom.
Amen.

2010-03-05T14:24:00.004+10:30

I am weak.

And it's ok.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10.

Negaraku

2010-01-08T17:08:00.002+10:30

Negaraku, tanah tumpahnya darahku
Rakyat hidup, bersatu dan maju...
Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan,
Raja kita, selamat bertakhta.
Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan,
Raja kita, selamat bertakhta

Lord give us grace.
May the land on which our bled is shed be a holy and peaceful land.
May its people live in unity and harmony.
May Your peace which surpasses all understanding reign in our hearts and minds.
May love be the means to justice.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. (1 John 4:16)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

May we emulate Christ in showing love to our fellow man.
Help us Lord, to be patient and kind to those who persecute us.
To be humble and selfless when we feel we have the "right" to be proud and selfish.
May we not be easily angered by recent and not-so-recent events.
May God give us a good memory to remember the good deeds of our neighbours, and make us extremely forgetful in recalling their past mistakes.
May we not be gleeful at the misfortune of our enemies.
May we continue to trust that You are Lord over this nation.
Give us hope for Malaysia, that we may persevere for the love of her.

I don't wanna wait...

2009-11-26T15:45:00.002+10:30

I don't wanna wait...
To start the journey.

I don't wanna wait...
To be thankful.

I don't wanna wait...
To be intimate with You.

I don't wanna wait...
To stop criticizing.

I don't wanna wait...
To enjoy the quiet.

I don't wanna wait...
To care for others.

I don't wanna wait...
To dream dreams.

I don't wanna wait...
To start learning.

I don't wanna wait...
To start obeying.

I don't wanna wait...
To start loving.

I don't wanna wait...
To start trusting.

I don't wanna wait...
Til' I am unafraid.

I don't wanna wait...
To live in the moment

I don't wanna wait...
For my life to begin.

I want to LIVE!
So help me God.

Reflections from Cambodia

2009-11-17T14:15:00.003+10:30

I wasn't really sure what to expect. But it was unexpectedly... touching.
I think the entire trip consisted of meeting such extraordinarily interesting people, I was just so amazed. I don't know why I did not expect that...

One of the first few places we visited was the Genocide Museum and the Killing Fields. The museum was pretty interesting, but depressing, of course. I tried walking among the "cells" that the inmates were detained in. Not only do you feel claustrophobic, but there's this feeling that if you peer into the cells, you'll find someone, just skin and bones curled up on the floor.

The Killing Fields was a totally different. I'm not sure how the others felt, but I think it was probably quite different for them. Now I know the Killing Fields ought to be a place that feels depressing due to the violence and cruelty that was shown to the Khmer people, but when I saw the place, I saw a lot of greenery. There were trees and grass that grew over the mass burial grounds. It was quiet and felt rather peaceful.

I couldn't help but think that truly God is an awesome God. That He should take a thing that was ugly and tainted, filled with the stench and memory of death, and give it beauty and life. The grass that grows over the sunken ground that was meant to bury the dead showed me that truly His Life has conquered even death.

We took a boat ride through a floating village called Kampong Phluk. Beautiful place. Just enjoyed the cruise, looked at the lotus plants, and the mangrove. Took some time to be still on the waters.

As we were going back, we stopped at the floating village to have lunch. It was the most delicious fish I've ever tasted! But God had a more important lesson to teach me than where to get good fish. =)

There was a blackboard at the "restaurant" which had the title 'Dictation' written on it. A friend of mine, who has written a very beautiful piece on what a beauty pageant in heaven would look like, asked the boy who was serving us if he could dictate, and the boy would write. With much enthusiasm, the boy said 'Yes!'.
So our friend taught him a song. 'I've got peace like a river'.

When he encountered a word he didn't know, or didn't understand, he whipped out a dictionary, much to our surprise! We later found out how it came to be that some of the children in this kampung could speak English so well. It's one of the projects under the UNDP, and they come every few months to teach English. And some of the members who come from YMCA Singapore know Lucy, who was part of our party of 6 during this trip. And this boy from the fishing village, Veasna, knows some of these individuals from Singapore. The smallness of the world reminds me of the bigness of my God. And how much smaller is one single human, and yet, He knows each and every one of us. Even 11-year old boys in small fishing villages.

O Lord, our Lord,
How majestic is Your name in all the earth [including Kampong Phluk]!
... when I consider Your heavens,
the work of Your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
[and yet,] You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honour.
- Psalm 8:1, 3-5 -

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Where can I flee from Your Presence?
If I go up to the heavens, You are there;
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me,
Your right hand will hold me fast....
[I can scarcely believe that] You created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
- Psalm 139: 7-10, 13 -

We also met a beautiful hawker-stall waitress who sells the most delectable jack fruit shake, who really DOES remember you. (She could recall what one of our friends ordered the night before). A very handsome dancer (who used to work in a hotel front desk) in the cultural village who speaks fluent Mandarin. (He told us the best spot to sit for the show so that we would be sitting under the fan). We also met a French man who lost his eyesight due to an accident a year ago. He used to be a 3D motion graphics animator. He knows Kanji and thinks he's pretty lucky. (How many of us would be able to say that if we had been rendered blind?) He now manages the business although he cannot design, and has created job opportunities for those who are physically disabled, but have the necessary skills to become graphic animators.

A friend enlightened me as to what makes the human voice truly unique from any other instrument in the world. And taught me that a wise person learns to tell the difference, not otherwise. That I must be specific. And made me question whether what I do, whatever that may be, is done in love. Most of all, this friend makes me ashamed. Ashamed of my own cowardice. Wherever he goes, he brings Life so easily.

Oh, that it were so easy for me!

Lord, help me to be brave.
Brave enough to move out of the middle ground.
Brave enough to say 'hello'.
Brave enough to not settle for the status quo.
Brave enough to love You.
To truly love You.
Lord, help me to be brave.

WHO KNOWS AS HE OUGHT TO KNOW?

2009-11-03T16:28:00.002+10:30

The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. But the man who loves God is known by God.

On Writing

2008-11-09T17:55:00.004+10:30

A writer I know said, "Keep writing. Even if it's just rubbish, just keep writing".

So, forgive me if a lot of rubbish comes out in this post, but I just feel I need to "keep writing" before I go insane. Ever felt like that? No time to reflect, and so it all just sorta "comes out" in your blog posts.

Let's go back a bit to the "no time" part. I find it increasingly hard to take the time to reflect. A friend told me you can't make time. Only God can do that, so you gotta take the time. I don't know about you, but have you ever felt, when you REALLY don't wanna take a good look at yourself, you fill your time with movies, going out, exercising, reading, blogging, talking, meeting up with old friends, and hey! whaddya know, you've got no time left! The rest of the time is working, eating, sleeping and travelling, of course.

I read a book that was sharing about a lady who guarded her time with God jealously. JEALOUSLY! Wow... I wanna have that discipline. And yet, I dread it. Can I bear to look at myself, to just be who I am? To look myself in the eye, and acknowledge that I really, truly am a wretched being?

Deep down inside, I KNOW that I'm unworthy. That's what makes it difficult to receive grace. I don't have much trouble receiving something I earned or deserve. It's when I know I don't deserve it. Some may say, it's such a privilege. And of course it is. I can't fully explain how come it's so difficult for me to receive grace. I'm sure some can accept it readily. I have my moments as well. Guess this current season just isn't one of them.

And all the while, I'm hating my job and loving it at the same time. (The children are really cute).
Of course it's meaningful work. But shouldn't all jobs be? All work is ministry, right? What's wrong with doing what you like? It doesn't have to be confined to churchy stuff to be meaningful, right?

I think the problem is that I don't feel like my LIFE is very meaningful at the moment. Sorry, let me rephrase that. I think my life doesn't FEEL very meaningful at the moment. And of course the tendency is to blame my job, coz that's the thing I dread the most at the present time. But as it stands, everything else in my life is a mess. My emotions, my thoughts, things in church (confusion sets in as I've kinda got one leg in each church at the moment), friends, boundaries, my relationship with God.

What have I done to You? Or rather, what have I done WITH You? Have I allowed you to feature in my life? Or am I trying to be the star of my own show? Have I nurtured our relationship? The way a man does with His wife? Have I taken initiative in knowing You more and more? Sigh... Where am I? What am I doing? When my life ends, what shall I say to You? I really tried hard to do the work you wanted me to do? Somehow I don't think that will really be of interest to You.

I was blessed by this song today. It reflects my feelings well.
I thank God for His grace and creativity in this friend to have written it and bless myself and others.

I Want To Want To - Markus Ng

God I don't know, I don't know
I really want to, but it doesn't show
My projections, my convictions
Muddled mess, so much confusion
I don't know,
I don't know.

What do I say when You've heard it all
Excuses, lies, remorse, more lies
Yet still I dare to mouth them words
I'm sorry for how much it hurts and disappoints

I'm not perfect, but I'm gonna try
Seek the truth and apply
I want to honestly repent
Give you my 100%

I want to want to love You
As You love me too
I want to want to live life
As You'd want me to
I want to want to honour You
More than anything I want to want to

I'm not there yet, but I'm trying
Pushing on, oh I'm striving
Wait for me, I'm arriving
So help me God
So help me God.

I'm Back

2008-08-04T20:55:00.003+09:30

I think it's about time I came back to redeem my blog. Sigh... I've missed writing. There's so much to tell. But I'm not sure who there is to tell it to. The few readers that I have probably have stopped reading. But it's ok. It's my space.

Well, let's start alphabetically. Church.
Not sure where I wanna go anymore. But at the moment, I'm attending SIB.
I sometimes wonder how come I'm attending SIB. I was brought up in an Anglican church. Man... and SIB is about as charismatic as it gets. All the happy-clappy ppl are there. Weirdly enough, the senior pastors of SIB are from the brethren church. Hehe...

Family. Well, we've moved to subang. Still trying to adjust. I do so hate traffic jams. I think the family's doin alright. Usual Sunday family meetings. Tuesday dinners.

Love life. Non-existent.
I'm cool with it though. I notice that I occasionally crave male attention, though. But at least I'm aware, so I can guard my heart and my mind.

Work. I love the children. That's about it.
I hate the fact that the centre is so far. I hate the fact that my job pays me peanuts. I hate having more financial responsibility just because I have a steady income. Sigh... growing up, at this point in my life, is not a process I enjoy.
__________________________________________________

On a side note: SIB is doing 40 days of prayer and fasting using Give me 40 days by Freeda Bowers, as well as the NECF pray and fast for Malaysia this month.

You know how ppl always quote "by His stripes, I am healed"? Yeah well, would you guys PLEASE read in context???? What is the Bible really saying??

Let's look at it.

1 Peter 2:22-24
22(AT) He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. 23(AU) When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten,(AV) but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. 24(AW) He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we(AX) might die to sin and(AY) live to righteousness.(AZ) By his wounds you have been healed. (ESV)

Hello!!!!!!! It's about being reconciled to God because of Christ's sacrifice! Not about receiving physical healing, or proclaiming with the authority of Christ that you are entitled to have a healthy, happy, prosperous life.

Sigh... so with regards to the 40 days of prayer, well, the enthusiasm has died. How can I see this as a covenant time between me and God when the stuff that comes out of the book is biblically inaccurate?

Well, I've learned to recognize, that this is one of the 'lows' of life. I'm just starting to feel it more because I have no identity, no support from a particular church. I feel so stranded. Is it wrong to want to have leaders you can support? Or should we always be content with who is serving, and console ourselves with the fact that all have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God?

Dance. Well, that's another kettle of fish altogether. Maybe another day.
Now, I need sleep.

Another year come and gone

2008-03-28T17:10:00.002+10:30

Well, it's just another year.
Is it normal for people to have less fun on their birthdays as they get older?
Or maybe it's just rotten timing. Who wants to have their birthday on Easter?
Kinda sad, ain't it?
But ah well, I should count myself lucky. Pity the fellas who are born on 29th February.

But then again, it could just be the fact I've turned 23. More of a sobering fact than a reason to celebrate. Time to grow up, right?

I wanna get out of here. I need my space. Ever felt so claustrophobic even though the whole house is empty? I want to be independent. I want my own kitchen. My own room. It's not that I don't like people, and it's not that I wanna party hard. But I want the option. If my lifestyle is going to be anything like Adelaide, I'll probably be a very good girl who stays home and does her laundry every week, cooks most of her meals, and cleans her room. But I want to have a place where my friends don't feel uncomfortable. A place to just chill out. Does that make sense? Is it weird to want freedom and independence in a collectivistic culture such as ours?

Sigh... unemployment. It sure is no fun. As much as I know chasing after riches will lead only to ruin, I can't help but wish I had the money to do as I please. I don't love money itself. But I love what money can buy. And I hate that I do.

A year on... and this is where I am. Nowhere.

Just A Thought

2008-03-10T17:54:00.002+10:30

I was having one of those moments.
You know... those daydreaming moments. In which you often dream about things that seem so impossible.
I actually had this thought quite some time ago. But it re-occurred to me as I was driving to church yesterday morning.

The traffic on Sunday mornings is fantastic! Usually the weather's great as well. The perfect time to drive. Coz there's so little traffic! Then it hit me that that's such a sad thing!

Shouldn't I hope that more people go to church? Shouldn't I hope that there'll be such an outpouring of people wanting to know Jesus, that they're fighting to get a parking space? Wouldn't that be the most fantastic kind of traffic jam ever??!!??

And hopefully, by that time, Jon Foo would've set up a Malaysian Christian radio channel, and everyone's listening in. You can just roll down your windows, and talk to the people in the car next to you. Sing the songs together! Or just have a chat. Even better, if they're non-Christians! Hahahah! Be a witness for Christ! Drive considerately! Oh, stop me now! Tell me I'm dreaming of the impossible! But who knows, eh? I say anything is possible, with the Lord Emmanuel (God with us).

It's been awhile.

2008-01-14T03:39:00.000+10:30

Wow... almost two months since my last post. I almost forgot about this space. Almost. =)

I feel I've aged a decade in those two months. No time for reflection. No time to be quiet. Yes, again, I encounter the same problem. The horrors of silence. It's amazing that I wanna go away to force myself to be still. Do hard things.
Anyway, I know it's a little belated, but I'm gonna make a list of resolutions for 2008. For the first time in my life, I'm making a list.

Resolutions for 2008:

1. I will be happy for Chiam.
2. I will find a job that I like.
3. I will buy insurance.
4. I will (hopefully) buy a new car.
5. I will learn to get over myself.
6. I will love more.
7. I will laugh more.
8. I will live more.
9. I will sing more.
10. I will pray more.

Here's to 2008! It's gonna be awesome.

Where I've been....

2007-11-27T12:09:00.000+10:30

For those who've been wondering where I've been and what I've been doing.
And for those who haven't, well, you can have a look anyway. =p

Wedding Bells

2007-11-19T12:03:00.000+10:30

And just like that, the wedding season has begun!
Two dinners, and I've already turned into a big ball of mush. Useless.
Anyway, indulging in my mushiness, I was thinking of what songs I would like to have at my wedding, and I was just surfing through some website that had lists of wedding songs. And I came across this song which brought a tear to my eye.

Amy Grant - Father's Eyes
I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl.
And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world.
But that's all right as long as I can have one wish I pray.
When people look inside my life, I want to hear them say.

CHORUS:
She's got her Father's eyes, her Father's eyes
Eyes that find the good in things, When good is not around.
Eyes that find the source of help, When help just can't be found.
Eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain.
Knowin' what you're going through, and feeling it the same.
Just like my Father's eyes, my Father's eyes, my Father's eyes
Just like my Father's eyes.

And on that day when we will pay for all the deeds we have done,
Good and bad they'll all be had to see by everyone
And when you're called to stand and tell just what you saw in me,
More than anything I know, I want your words to be

CHORUS:
She's got her Father's eyes, her Father's eyes
Eyes that find the good in things, When good is not around.
Eyes that find the source of help, When help just can't be found.
Eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain.
Knowin' what you're going through, and feeling it the same.
Just like my Father's eyes, my Father's eyes, my Father's eyes
Just like my Father's eyes.

The bomb just dropped.

2007-11-03T05:46:00.000+10:30

I got rejected. ='(

Maybe I'm not Crazy

2007-10-25T12:43:00.000+09:30

I came to a realization today.
I. Am. A. Control. Freak.
Guess who I wanted to control?
Yup, that's right.
God.

Of all the bodoh things, right?
Even though I may want good things, I can't demand that God give them to me.

I want to be more passionate. I want more joy. I need more patience, God! I want to feel loved, I don't feel You, I want to be closer, I want, I want, I want!!!! Faster!!! Why You're still not here wan??? You said if I come near, You will also be near what!!!!

Man.... I must sound like a total brat to God.

If you pick up Rick Warren's 'Purpose-Driven Life', the first line is this: "It's not about you". And people buy this book! It's madness, isn't it? And yet, so true. Sigh... Qian... when will you see?

My darling friend said, you CAN'T manipulate God. Although it is TRUE that God will draw near to you if you draw near to Him, He doesn't say WHEN.

Not only am I a control freak. I'm such an ungrateful being. Out of God's grace does He give good gifts. Who am I to demand them? They are, ultimately, a gift. How can I say that what He has given me thus far is not sufficient?

I am governed so much by my emotions, that I forget the truth. The truth that He IS there. Despite how I feel. And He loves me. And HE wants to reach out to ME.

For we walk by faith, not by sight. I have to trust that His timing is perfect.

Have you ever noticed...?

2007-10-12T11:08:00.001+09:30

How you can never forget the things that you REALLY wanna forget?
Like...

Breakups
Embarrassing moments
Stupid things you said

I notice I tend to replay these things a lot in my head.
Which is why, probably those closer to me would have noticed, I sometimes talk to myself.
Usually it's to tell the other person (the person from my past [in my head] who made me feel bad) to shut up, or to tell my head to shut up totally.
My brother says I have a very sensitive spirit. I think he's right.
Read this to understand more. I think I fit squarely into that category.

Feelings of rejection (which are actually insecurities about my own abilities)
Negative self-talk
Inferiority complex
Lack of self-confidence
Haunted by my past.

Sounds like I'm totally psycho, right? But I don't think I'm alone in this. A lot of people go through the same stuff. Maybe not all at once, but at some point or other. Having said that, all these things are closely linked. So... you could be just like me. ;)

I'm not sure whether I lack a love of myself, or I need validation of other people's love for me.
In my head, I *know*there are people who love me. I just don't *feel* loved.
But should love for myself be dependent on whether others love me?
*smiles wryly*

Waterworks

2007-10-08T12:44:00.000+09:30

The waterworks at Hobbit Sdn. Bhd. have been working overtime.

The hobbit is....

2007-10-06T12:51:00.000+09:30

Lonely
Depressed
Annoyed that she's lonely and depressed
Sad and forlorn
Grieving for the loss of a friendship
Annoyed that she's not happy
Irritated that she's still at square one
Missing friends in Adelaide
Amazed at how quickly men find new counter-parts
Stunned
Wondering if it was all a lie
Wondering if men are really jerks, or I'm just too boring
Thinking, maybe men don't leave women. Maybe they just leave me.
Not sure what her defining characteristics are. Everybody seems to have one except me.
Broken-hearted
Losing her mind
Thinking, maybe life just ain't worth living
Wishing that it would All. Just. Stop.