Don't Yell Unless The House Is On Fire

Soccer

2011-08-04T05:40:00.003-04:00

Okay, my 5 year old is in soccer. He was at a game and there was a boy on the opposing team that was very overweight. He was running around and playing like the rest of the kids. I found my eyes on him. He was probably 30 pounds overweight. His legs were easily twice the size of any other kid. He was 2 kids thick. So LB was on the field playing and then he came off and we were sitting together. I noticed that the Mother of the heavy boy and the heavy boy were making their way over to where we were sitting.

The Mother confronted us. It seems that LB told the heavy boy that he was fat, twice. The heavy boys Mother said something like "We are all friends playing soccer and you upset my son. You made him cry by calling him fat. I want you to apologize." LB admitted that he called the boy "fat" and I made him apologize. It was awkward to say the least.

Afterwards, it left me with the oddest feeling. I mean, personal comments are not nice. It is something that kids do and need to learn not to do, but... he was fat. I mean really fat. Their whole family was fat.

I don't know what else I could have done. I watched the boy myself because he was really really fat. I don't know if it is possible for the Mother to stop enough kids from calling him fat to save his feelings. He is fat. Not mentioning it won't change it.

I know that his weight was none of my business. What would you have done?

2011-07-31T14:37:00.002-04:00

My DH is away right now on business. I miss him. I have this song stuck in my head.

The problem with being happily married is that it sucks when they are away and my DH has been travelling on business about 50% of the time in the last year.

Donating

2011-07-25T19:39:00.003-04:00

I called the Social Worker about donating my unused embryos this week. We had last talked about a year ago and I think that I blew her circuits. She was very happy about being part of this process.

This is just a start. We will need to figure out how to do an open embryo adoption. I have no idea what that will mean. We will have to feel our way through it.

We are going to get together in the fall and talk about what we want and how to go about it.

The Social Worker had some couples in mind last time that we talked. This will be fodder for some new postings.

Gum Day

2011-07-25T19:31:00.003-04:00

I have a new innovation that I want to share with you. It is called "Gum Day". Gum Day is Friday and it goes like this.

Your chores have to be done and your bed made.
You are then given your own pack of gum. You choose from one of the packs that is available and you cannot change your mind after it is opened.
You are free to have a gum chewing frenzy or chew moderately over several days.
You are not given a new pack of gum before the next Gum Day no matter what happens to the gum.
If you leave wrappers lying around your next gum day moves by a day.
If you steal gum from others then you skip the next gum day.

It has helped my youngest learn when is the next Friday. It is an easy life lesson without real consequences. My kids love having their own gum and I love not being in charge of giving out gum.

Birthday thoughts

2010-12-09T21:18:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow is LB's birthday. Tonight the boys are in bed and the house is quiet. My DH is away on business.

I was talking to the mother of twins today. We are at the same daycare. The twins birthday is this month too. She mentioned in passing that there had been another, who didn't survive the 3 months too early birth. It ripped me wide open. I told her that I was sorry for her loss. I told her about mine. She suggested that we get together for coffee some time. I wondered whether I could do it without crying.

Tonight I am missing the unknown ones. The ones that didn't make it. The one's that didn't get to stay. I am crying as I write this. I don't even know if they were boys or girls. I never gave them names. I think that I hoped that would lessen the grief. You know the mantra. "Don't think about it. Don't talk about it. Focus on the good. Move on."

The grief just surprised me. There is so much happiness in my life. Somehow I thought that I had let that go.

Where ever you are my babies, Mummy misses you.

Today

2010-10-18T10:03:00.002-04:00

Today the trees where throwing their farewell party and I was the guest of honour. I walked the dog and it was just a perfect moment. The air was cool but I was warm in my coat. The colours and freshness was inspiring. I was there and it was good.

The Telling

2010-09-19T21:54:00.007-04:00

Okay, so we have reviewed the advice and we are wondering how are we going to do it. We decide the DH should do the first telling. He was much less freaked about the whole thing. The waiting was making me nervous. I told my DH that we had to find a natural opportunity in the next month or make our own opportunity. I was finding the waiting stressful.

Okay, so here is how it happened. LB and I were in the kitchen at the table. BB and DH were in the living room. Like a bolt out of the blue LB says to me "Did babies come from IKEA". I look at him. I realize that this is it! The moment of truth! I call Mike in from the next room. Did you hear what LB just asked? I repeated it and Mike launched into "The Telling".

"Babies come from a seed from the daddy and an egg from the mummy, but mummy's eggs didn't work so we got an egg from a nice lady. Do you have any questions?"

Both boys look at us, with this "Huh?" look on their face. Nope, no questions. LB looks at me and then says. "I meant my baby bunny". I answer, "Uh, the bunny, yes he came from IKEA".

...

Since that fateful day. We have repeated it a few times with very little reaction. LB asked again today how babies were made. I told him again. I mentioned that I had a book, would he like to see it. He said no.

The whole thing has been sort of non-event-ish. Other than my huge stress reaction. I did not realize how I had been carrying it around with me. It has been great to let go of it. The worry that I was going to be rejected has been lifted.

I am so lucky that I got to have a family.

I really liked letting go of that fear. I would like to get rid of the rest of my fears now too.

The meeting

2010-08-09T17:22:00.010-04:00

The day finally came. I got a babysitter and headed off to my appointment. I met with a Clinical Social Worker with a specialty in infertility. Sadly, she is one of us. She got pregnant 4 times but couldn't carry to term.

I met with her for two reasons. First to make sure that I was okay and second to get advice on what to say. We talked about a couple of things. I told her my story. You know, ten years of infertility, failure to respond to IVF, 1000 needles, and ultimately two boys through donor ovum.

We talked about my issues. How for a long time I wanted to be perfect and there are still stray pieces of that idea hanging around. Which, of course, involves punishing myself for things that I cannot control. I sometimes feel ashamed that I was unable to get pregnant without help. She suggested that I might need to work on forgiving my body for failing. I cried a bit.

I have so many blessings. I am at the good side of the infertility journey. I have my kids. I love them. I know them. I would not trade them for biological children. She said something very interesting and something that struck me as absolutely true. She said that I will never get over my infertility completely. Although I got my kids, I still didn't get the journey that I wanted. It is natural to be sad about it occasionally. I am not disrespecting what I have when I am sad about what I lost. This was big for me. I somehow thought that I needed to rise above this experience and be totally at peace with it. It is a relief to realize that my grief is normal and not an issue. I have a wound. I need to accept that I was wounded, and I don't have to pretend it will ever totally heal.

She had a lot of advice about telling. She also said that we shouldn't gather the herd and make a big announcement. The information comes as it comes.

She talked about how it is my attitude that will determine how my children react. If I am crying and freaking out then the kids will think that it is strange and upsetting information. I need to be okay with the truth of it. But, it is also okay to be sad that it went that way.

When we talk about it, it should be a body part talk and not a genetics talk. You pick your opportunity, such as an outing to a zoo, you see some babies and then say "Do you know how that happened." or "That baby is so cute. Do you know how babies start off?" Keep it short, just one or two sentences. She suggested...

"Babies come from an egg from the Mommy and seed from the Daddy. Mommy's egg was broken so we got an egg from another lady. We used her egg and Daddy's seed."

Just a short and simple thing. You pause and see if they want more information. If they don't ask for more, then you don't tell more. You repeat this a few times on different occasions, here or there. You do it naturally when the subject comes up. It is part of the truth of our lives.

Interestingly we also discussed the frozen embryos. When we get done with the "telling", I am going to go back to discuss with her what to do with them.

I had a strong reaction to this meeting. I thought that it went very well, but afterwards I did some crying and screaming in the car. I had not done that for ages. It was like old home week to be back there. You know there with all of that upset and turmoil. My mind has been filled with all this negative shit again. I had moved to a place of relative peace. This "telling" has been hanging over my head for a long time. I guess that I had been stuffing down my emotions. I need to make space for what I am feeling.

We decided the my DH would do the first "telling". He could be calmer about it.

I will blog more about the telling later.

About 3 weeks ago

2010-08-09T17:14:00.002-04:00

Time is crawling by way too slowly. The kids are having a great time, but I am not. So I am sitting here at one of those kids indoor playgrounds and I am feeling like a fraud. All these women, with babies that they started in their own bodies, probably without any help. Would they judge me if they knew? Pity me? Turn away disgusted?

I am having an attack of infertility thinking. It doesn't often happen, but I am allowing my thoughts to turn this way. Here I am tapping into the great internal fear. I am going to let the secret out. What will be the outcome? The research says that boys often don't care and aren't even that curious. It seems highly unlikely that the boys will reject me. It is the not knowing that has me on edge. I am trying to hang onto that illusion of controlling the world around me.

Will I be found unworthy?

Step 2?

2010-07-22T14:27:00.005-04:00

Okay, I am not sure what step this is, but if Step 1 was calling and making an appointment, then I am on to Step 2. Or would Step 1 be deciding it was time to tell him?

I have an appointment to talk to someone about telling my son about the circumstances of his birth.

My anxiety levels are definitely up.

Sad News

2010-07-20T21:23:00.002-04:00

I have been sad lately because one of my childhood friends lost her long battle with breast cancer. We had sort of drifted apart but our mothers are friends and so I would get updates and we crossed paths occasionally. I was in at least another city and often another country. We got together when I moved back to Canada, but I had a new baby and she was in another city.

She was sweet and generous. She thought of others. She was not afraid to be silly and vulnerable. She left behind a great husband and two kids still in high school.

There were so many parts of this that hit me. She left behind her kids and they aren't grown. That is a chilling idea. What parent doesn't fear that? Her husband is left alone. They had a happy marriage and now it is over. I wish I had been a better friend to her. You always think that you will have more time.

I know that this has changed me. I will be there for the next breast cancer run. I will become a volunteer. It is too late for my friend, but her daughter is still out there.

Please take care of yourself - do self-examinations, get a mammogram. Please if you find something go to the doctor right away. My friend waited and now she is dead.

Watching TV

2010-06-23T21:54:00.000-04:00

Hey,

I had a victory tonight. I am here instead of watching TV.

Yeah!

Telling

2010-06-22T14:24:00.001-04:00

This is the summer that I am going to tell my eldest about his conception. I researched that kids usually do better if told before they are 9. He is 8. I have no idea how I am going to broach the subject. I think that I will go to a psychologist for advice and to work on my feelings.

I do have a book meant for a young kid that tells the story in a very simple way. I could use that.

What would you do?

Women, Food and G.d by Geneen Roth.

2010-06-22T14:17:00.001-04:00

Okay, I have to start by admitting to having seen Geneen Roth on Oprah. I know that can be off putting for some, but I have to admit that I do watch occasionally. Now, Geneen Roth has written a number of books about compulsive eating that I have not read, but this one was great. I have long been a fan of NOT dieting as I always gain weight on diets. I find that conscious eating is the way for me. But over the last couple of years my weight has been on a gradual slide up and I was not happy. I felt helpless and ashamed. Reading WFG was just what I needed. It reminded me of the rules of eating. Her list is:

1) Eat only when you are hungry.
2) Eat sitting down in a calm environment. (Not the car)
3) Eat without distractions. No TV, reading, radio, or anxiety producing conversation.
4) Eat what your body wants.
5) Eat until you are satisfied.
6) Eat in the full view of others.
7) Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.

WFG talks about how we eat for oblivion. We need to escape the present moment, but eating does not help us if we get fat and unhappy. You need to be comfortable with living in the now. I have had to do a lot of work examining the lies that my brain tells me. You know how it goes. The kids are acting up and your brain says “I cannot stand this for another minute. I must start yelling right now. They should behave differently. I am a failure as a parent. I need a cookie...”.
I am working on stopping, and looking at what my brain is saying because I can stand it. Yelling does not help. I am not a failure. I am also not hungry.

I have tried to extend her rules to my replacement for seeking oblivion. I watch too much TV and I don’t really enjoy it. So here is my version of the rules for TV.

1) Watch TV only when you want to see what is on TV.
2) Watch only shows that you enjoy - physically, mentally and spiritually.
3) Stop watching when you are not enjoying it.

I cannot say that I have had complete success with the TV, but I have lost more than 5 pounds.

DH Away

2010-05-14T21:07:00.002-04:00

My DH is away right now. He was supposed to be away for 1 week, but it has been extended twice. I don't know if I have posted about what a great guy that I have. I am still as blissfully in love with him as I was when we first met. We rarely argue and he is kind. He works too much, but not by choice. His job is like drinking from a fire hose.

I miss him so much. He is so pissed to be away. It is the downside of the happy marriage that it sucks to be apart. I am not sleeping well. It is hard to talk about him being away without complaining. I guess that it is just part of life that you form attachments and separation is hard.

I have been working on acceptance. You know, not letting the hard stuff grind on you even after it is done. I am not saying that I am great at it, but it is coming. I have also been working on fear. I realized how much of the time I am afraid. When there is nothing real to worry about I find something imaginary to fret over. The "what if..." crap is so painful. I have been working on noticing that it is happening. I don't resist it. I don't react. I just notice it. You know like "Here I am in my body, in my car, driving down the road, in this direction. I am having these fearful thoughts. This is fear. Okay." I find that the fear fades, not always completely, but it is less.

I had an epiphany with the dog. One evening about 2 months ago we were out on a walk. He was barking and lunging at another dog and it took me to a level 10 of frustration. I reached my breaking point and strangely I let go. I accepted that this is how the dog is and it set me free. It made me relax which helped the dog. I also broke my silence and reached out and hired a dog trainer. I found out that I can ask for help and you what, I got help. The dog trainer has made a world of difference. I am enjoying the dog because now I am in control. I can walk the dog without worrying about him attacking another dog. I can enjoy the walk. It is a gift.

Unexplained Weirdness

2009-11-08T08:25:00.002-05:00

We live in a neighborhood with a lot of trees and since it is Canada I have 3 huge maples in my yard. I hired someone to do a first go at my leaves and they piled 25 bags of leaves at the end of my driveway for recycling on Tuesday. We can easily fill 40 bags of leaves before the season is over. I was getting ready for bed at about 11 when I heard someone outside and the dog confirmed that there was someone out there. So I look out and was dumbfounded. There was a man putting bags of leaves into a tiny car. He took 20 bags of leaves. He put them in his truck, his back seat and even in the front seat. He noticed us watching him and waved in a "I am not a mass murdered kind of way". Of course, we had no plans for these leaves and he was welcome to them.

The question of the week is "What do you do with 20 bags of leaves?"

Thank you

2009-11-04T13:38:00.002-05:00

Have I told you, my loyal reader that I have made 4 cents with AdSense already. Yes! Early retirement here I come.

;-)

The Stupids

2009-11-04T13:21:00.003-05:00

So, have I mentioned that I am perimenopausal? No? Well, I don't actually remember if I told you because these days I have been big into being confused and stupid. I don't know if it is lack of sleep or maybe the flu that has visited us in the last week but I am annoying myself. I have been doing the wake around 4 thing that is common with perimenopause. Sleep used to be easy for me. I resent that I keep surfacing in the wee hours of the night. I used to have a reasonably sharp brain. How the hell could I go back to work like this? Not that I have any immediate plans. Today I am not liking myself as much.

Oh and I mentioned this to my naturopath who suggested I need to cut back on sugar and caffeine. I have dropped my once a day cup of green tea. I am already on a low sugar diet. I don't want to go sugar free. I guess I just need to nut up and do it.

I have also been irritable. I cuffed both the dog and my youngest son this week. Well neither was a heavy blow I loath that I did it. I am loosing my cool. I am definitely in an "I suck" place today.

Please feel free to suggest anything that you have heard might help me. I will consider anything that is not surgical or illegal.

In half an hour

2009-10-23T11:50:00.005-04:00

Last night around 10 pm I thought that I would go to bed. I was tired and wanted to get to bed in decent time for once. I thought first I should take out the garbage as Friday is garbage day. I should tell you that where I live there are 3 types of garbage; recycling; compost and the rest. I had gathered up most of it, so I opened the door and went out with the dog.

I went back for the compost, which I should have emptied yesterday, but... So it was quite full. And... yes, you have guessed by now. The bag split over the kitchen floor. This meant getting a new bag, picking up the rotten food and washing the floor. Oh yes, did you forget the dog, outside by himself? I did. So I go out with the new bag of compost just in time to see the dog disappearing down the street. Luckily for me, he came when he called. I think to myself my luck must be turning.

I go inside and realize that I must empty the dishwasher before adding the dinner dishes. Oh well, that won't take a minute. I pick up a glass and, whoops, it drops from a height of two inches onto a mug and smashes into a thousand pieces inside the dishwasher. Oh, yes, hmmm. Well next I have to clean out the dishwasher. Oh, did you know that my dishwasher has a spot by the door where gunk collects that I didn't know about, with 3 years worth of stuff? Me neither.

Luckily for me I found this handy video.

It turns out that I was not in bed early after all.

Final post on potty training... I hope

2009-10-19T13:47:00.003-04:00

The good news is that we are finally there. We are using the potty for all elimination events. I still put him in a pull-up for bed, but he is dry in the morning. I just don't want to be awoken in case of error. In another month I will get rid of the pull-up too. Yeah!

More Potty Training

2009-09-24T13:09:00.003-04:00

Here am I, I did not run away. I wanted to, but love kept me here.

We are doing okay. I started giving treats for each of the behaviours. One for pulling down the pants, one for trying, one for succeeding and one for washing your hands. That helped a lot with the don't want to be in the bathroom thing. He has good enough control that he went a whole day at school and waiting to get home before he went. He had a few days where he only wanted to pee at home. He now pees away from home and is even dry at night. Yeah!

Our next obstacle is pooping in the potty. I am giving him the choice of the toilet or a pull-up but I am still changing poopy undies. I now only give potty treats for sitting. I am hoping that he will get comfortable enough sitting to put poop someone less yucky than his clothes.

I am still grateful for what I have. I know that I am lucky, but some things are easier to like than others.

Potty Training

2009-09-11T13:54:00.002-04:00

My beautiful 3 year old son is in the middle of potty training. After trying any techniques including: chocolate; treats; toys and threats. We have gone cold turkey.

The pull-ups are gone and the underwear is on. The theory is that eventually he will get tired of peeing on himself.

Yes, it is driving me MAD! He does not WANT to pee. He does not want to sit on the potty. He knows when he is going to pee, but since he has decided not to pee anymore he does not need to sit on the toilet. This leaves me trying to reason with a 3 year old, AARGGH!

Someone very wise once told me that your kids will get you on either food, sleep or potty training. How very wise she was!

What a tremendous opportunity for spiritual growth this has been! How I am being stretched! How I wish it was over!!!

I think that is enough exclamation marks for now!!!!!

Renting a Cottage

2009-09-01T13:40:00.003-04:00

We are away on vacation this week. My husband rented the cottage. I think that next time I will get more involved. I wish my DH had asked the questions listed below. Maybe next year...

Things to ask before you rent (The sad answers for this year)

1. How big is the cottage in square feet? (100 Square feet or less)
2. How is it heated? Are all of the rooms heated? (One heater by front door, uh no)
3. Are there electrical outlets in the bedrooms? (Nope, buy a long electrical cord)
4. Do all of the bedrooms have doors? (Nope, do kids bedrooms need doors?)
5. Is it non-smoking? (Sorry, smoking is allowed.)
6. How close is it to any major highways? Can you hear trucks? (Yes and yes)
7. What items are included in the kitchen? (4 of everything, which is not very handy for 4)
8. Do we need linens as well as towels? (Only if you like clean things.)

Note to self on what to bring next time.
Favorite frying pan
Coffee in a filter
Oil
Scrubbing sponge.

We are having fun despite the small and somewhat yucky cabin. Luckily the weather is good. I hope you are all well.

A night out

2009-06-21T08:08:00.003-04:00

I went to the Star Trek movie for the second time last night. It was great. I get really involved in a movie. I let go of reality and I am just there. I shriek and squirm. (Yes, it is fun to sit next to me!) I really enjoyed myself.

My sister and I went to the movie together. We had a really nice time. We are over our previous stress over my refusal to be the responsible for taking my mother to the doctor.

My DH has taken the kids to the in-laws this weekend. I am getting a lot of me time this weekend. It is great! I hope you are having an equally nice weekend.

Adding Ads

2009-06-13T14:46:00.002-04:00

I want to know about the etiquette of adding ads. I doubt that they will bring me big bucks, but is it ~~vulgar~~ okay? Lots of people do it. Do you? What do you think about it?