A Twisted Soul

WAGON R: Ad Review

2012-09-01T13:32:00.000+05:30

This latest Wagon R TVC features Madhavan and the Roadies brothers in a 45 second ad. It may not be the greatest of the TVC that you have ever seen nor is it a creative hot pot. It is actually a run-of-the-mill TVC with nothing much to give.

However despite its tried and tested formula, it has lots to offer. The first good thing that I noticed in this ad, is that it actually shows the product. Recently I have come across many TV ads which actually don't show the product especially car ads. Gone are the days when Car ads boasted of engine capacity, fuel injection leather seats, mileage and colour. Today its all about the mountains, hills, models, actors, jobs etc. for a Car ad.

Refreshingly this ad shows the product. Another good thing is the choice of the ambassador to promote the product. Wagon R has already made its name as a family car replacing Hyundai Santro especially in the mid-income segment. You go to any Tier 2 city of India and you will find a Wagon R in almost every home.

Through this TVC it has actually tried to break this notion. It doesn't believe in the old adage of Focus it actually wants to increase its customer base by targeting young executives and professionals who value their status. It is targeting 27-30 year olds who have a good deal of disposable income at their side and wouldn't mind shelling a few extra bucks for the comfort of a car.

Storyboarding is pretty simple, dialogues pathetic but again the admen for this TVC are pretty clear with what they want to achieve through this commercial. However lack of creativity has made it a bit dull. Hence as a reviewer I would rate it at 3 out of 5.

Supersloth: The lazy no good salesman

2012-06-03T17:53:00.003+05:30

HATE IT WHEN THEY CALL ME 100

2012-03-28T22:07:00.000+05:30

Yes i hate it when they call me out everytime some short curly guy walks on to the field. I hate it when he can't reach me and everybody from media to mania is after me analyzing dialyzing why the short guy can't reach me.
Am i so unreachable, untouchable and desired that around 10 raise to 7 times me people want a short guy to reach me. Really sad!!! I would say, because i am not that special.
I am a simple number, one of trillionths, achieved through the press of a calculator, stroke of a graphite lead, mild fever, boiling water, but why have you Indians, yes especially made me special. What's so damn good about me. Is the two zeroes at the end so attractive, so alluring. I don't think so.
Because there are trillions of numbers with more zeroes in the end, and there are more trendier numbers than me. Take an example 7, yeah now thats cool. You are svelte seven, the seven in the deck of cards. Hell I am not even in that deck of cards. Or for that matter the mercurial 9. I am nine and i am raging bull says the effervescent nine.
But to some extent it is Indians who have made me famous, right from the birth the child is taught " Boy what are gonna bring". Mama I am gonna score me out of me.
Or the basketball coach saying " Give me your me% men"
Or the doctor saying "The fever's gone beyond me(author) we need to get him hospitalized"
Or the high flying executive" I am me% sure that this would work, even though deep down inside he knows his plan sucks
Its me everywhere; what's with you guys anyways.
And Cricket is always obssessed with me. While baseball statistics never go above 0.5, golf never goes above 18, F1 never goes above 19, Tour de france never goes above some kms (was getting cheeky there), but my point is Cricket wants me. Every statistician,, selector, self acclaimed critic looks at me like i am the Holy Grail. Who will reach me fastest in terms of runs, catches, wickets, stumpings a.nd God knows what!!
Even the umpires are not left out in this mad contest. Like Mr. X is standing in his "me"th Test,(Oh like he was sitting in his previous 99).
Players feel really happy when they reach me, they kiss the ground, wave at the crowd, show fingers at opposition, look upto heaven, and do all kinds of hysterical stuff. Boy are they jubilant
Even bloody products don't really care using me around. Recently Coke launched "Me" series, showing the curly guy from Mumbai in all kinds of gestures.
Anyhow I am happy that the curly guys has reached me. He has straightened his hair a little but it will curl soon. Atleast for now millions can breathe easy when he reaches near me.

But wait for now, cause another bushy browed young man is after me. He is tough aggressive and determined. People say there can be only one God and by God I mean that curly guy. But from what I see from the bushy browed young man is that he is a go getter and bloody he is more than hell bent to get to me in a more extrovert manner. So lets see who gets to me, TILL THEN SACH ENJOY ME TILL I LAST.

Anger Management

2011-10-22T00:03:00.004+05:30

Well, we all get angry at some point of time in our life. (Points of life should be more appropriate). Its human tendency and we are bound to give in. Hence making grave mistakes in the process. Whether its shouting back at your boss, at your teacher, at a intellectual bore, at an interesting idiot, at a bomb carrying terrorist who wants a keen ear, a failed writer who wants rave reviews for the piece of crap he has just written and so on and so forth.
In the end it has all ended up in some pretty bad experiences, like the intellectual bore becoming inspired and winning the nobel, the failed writer going on to become the next Chetan Bhagat by writing some more crap, or the bomber getting five star treatment by being caught after a frustrated massacre.
Well as a low-down no-good advertiser I will give you 5 GREAT ways to control your demons.

1. Whenever you feel angry, start praying to God. Well you might think that this low down no good advertiser is nuts and bolts, but think about it, when you pray, you connect to your inner being, after connecting to your inner being you can say all that cuss words, bad words, swear words to your low down no good inner being and emerge out satisfied. Your inner being is way too "in" and not too good to really have a back lash from that guy. So its a great thing after all.

2. Start hitting the nearest concrete with all the brute force,might,strength you might have. No I am not channelizing your energy to make you the next Rocky Balboa and have six sequels of movies and one great soundtrack. Neither am I making you a structural engineer checking the load that the nearest concrete wall can take. I am telling you this because after you hit the nearest concrete wall with all your might your knuckles will sore, and your fingers will pain, making itching a laborious exercise. After this you might not get angry.

3. Start shouting cuss words, swear words etc. Again I am not here to inspire you to become the protaganist of Delhi Belly or become the hot headed Clint Eastwood. Shouting cuss words, swear words will tell people that you have watched Delhi Belly thrice and are still to recover from its hangover. Now thtat's not good for your rep.

4. Start finding the person who said that counting to 10 controls your anger. Because when you are angry your determination and dedication to doing an activity goes up considerably. And this exercise of finding the person actually can lead you to finding the above mentioned person. And when you do find that person, count to 10 and I am sure your anger will not come down. Then hit him 20 times like a possessed Arnold Schwazwatevernagar and tell him to stop put bullshit ideas into frustrated minds.

5. The fifth, I am now angry writing about anger management. So while I pray-hit the concrete wall-cuss someone and count 10 .... I need to start controlling my own anger..

Gadgetry Overload

2011-06-19T20:36:00.000+05:30

Sports is one thing that keeps changing with time. No matter what sports you see, overtime it has become faster, quicker and much more watchable. The good old days have gone, the new age style meets substance is in. Take for example football. In the old days it were played on muddy grounds with natural grass, many times which slowed down the ball and during rains slowed down the players. Shots were unpredictable, and many times tricked even the best of the goal-keepers. But overtime if we see all that has changed, with the latest turfs that are smooth as hell it seems players are playing on a giant billiards table rather than a football field. Shots have become faster, with modern technology balls have become lighter and more vicious. Players now can impart hair pin bends,curves, dips to the innocent football. Really its time we called it swerve ball. Also the speed of the game has picked up drastically. Computerized strategies, video tapes have all added to the sharpness of the game played between the posts.

Likewise if we see all other games have similar conditions. Whether its cricket, a 300 plus score is no longer safe. Quality pieces of willow where even edges can go for a six have murdered the bowlers. With batsmen too being studied through the microscopic lens, it has become imperative for teams to constantly reinvent and innovate style.

However that is not the point of this post. The one thing that has not changed over the years is Test Cricket. Though the pitches have become flatter, more information is available about opposition still the essence of Test Cricket has never changed. You still have to guts it out. Stroke making with bigger bats is no use in the first hour of a decent pitch. This has been reinforced with the ongoing series between England and Sri Lanka. Quality pitches by the English have proven that Sri Lanka which dominated the English in the world cup still doesn't have the technique to hold fort the English bowlers. They had been finished in under 25 overs in the final day and this is the World Cup semi finalist that I am talking about.

Coming back to Test Cricket you see nothing has changed. Fast bowlers are still rare and quality leg spinners rarer. Everybody wants to become the finger spinner who bowls off breaks which do not turn. If we see today the only "Fast" bowler that we have today in Dale Steyn who can really clock it up with deadly swing and accuracy. His post lunch 15 overs to Sachin and Co will be remembered where he was not nearly but completely unplayable. We have few quality off-spinners around like "Harbhajan on a good day where he understands that he is there to bowl and take wickets and not there to do a Yusuf Pathan", Saeed Ajmal a truly world class chucker, whose doosra turns like a leg spin, but his arm is bent over 90 degrees. So that leaves us with only Graeme Swann with his quality thought processed off spin. There is a method to his off spin bowling,something which has been lacking in all his contemporaries.

Leg spin is dead. And I thank Shane Warne for providing us glimpses of the dying art in the recently concluded IPL. So unless Steve Smith is mutated, I don't think we are going to see leg spin for a long time.

Special thanks to Daniel Vettori to establish that left arm spin is an art that can trouble even the best and not something to be tonked by coming down the ground.

Thanks again to VVS Laxman to show the world that wrist can also be used to create breathtaking strokes and not just bowl leg breaks.

I think the main reason why Test Cricket has not changed is because it has a great deal of mental aspect to it. Its all in the mind rather than in your technique. Yes you need solid technique to play it but an even better temperament to conquer it. And that sadly is a rarity. Anyone can flay bowlers for two overs on a flat batting track with no nothing. But only a few can stay there under immense pressure on a cracking wicket, when the lead is more than 500.

The point I want to make is that if people say that cricket might not require a great deal of physical stamina but it does require a mental makeup of that of a chessman.

BEAUTY AINT NOTHING

2011-04-28T22:28:00.000+05:30

Beauty lies…

It lies in the sound of thrash metal, the eeriness of Gothic rock, the clanging of metal heads, the burst of drums, the feast of eardrums.

Lies in the mesemerising Messi, appearing busy,

Lies in Einstein’s grey matter, also in dark matter

The composition of an orchestra,

The smoke of a Cuban Cigar,

Flicks through midwicket, swings on a deadwicket, voice of a buried cricket,

Poetry of Milton, Motion of wordsworth

Clattering keyboards,

Dead ducks,

Highness of royalty, rock bottom poverty,

Greatness achieved, chances missed, success surpassed,

Creative bursts, unleashed Thrusts,

frustrations released, concentrations fixed,

Flight of a bird,

Logic absurd,

Throwing up, getting up, Dusting down, Racing through,

Dreaming on, On Song

Lonely crowds, Blistering sounds, Rabid hounds,

Creeping fears, Nearing shadows,

Longer days, Lengthier nights,

Fighting haze & Dying dazed.

Things great people say

2011-03-08T22:17:00.001+05:30

Ever wondered how do great people conduct themselves. By great people I mean not those that are actually great (i.e Sachin, Steve Waugh, Veerappan, Bill Gates, Google guys etc.) I mean those that think they are great. Well if you too want to emulate this kind of greatness, its damn easy. Here are a few tips, tricks, blips, bloopers and blunders which will launch you to the platform of greatness.

Its all about talking the right way, having some weird hand gestures and Boom "You are Great".

Statutory Warning: Before you read this post, I want to assure you that such kind of greatness will only give you limited visibility, cheap publicity, a lot of enemies and a lot of nincompoops who will call themselves your friends. But yes I will also assure you that such greatness will also give immediate attention that your worthless life never had.

Now as I said the key is saying the right words. For example: What is the thing that people today are most afraid of. No not another 9/11, its the STOCK MARKET. Yes the key to all uncertainties is stock market hence also the key to all fears. So how do you use this to your advantage. Well simple when in public say things like

"Hey Reliance showed good movement today"

" Man I just cannot predict where this market is gonna take me"

" I just researched some really good stocks, but they are for a longer term"

If you see the language that I used is very simple. Everyone knows that Reliance is gonna give some movement whether its upwards or downwards. No bloody nostra dam all of us can predict the stock market. And in the long term every stock does good business.

So by saying all this, shows that you are a real good financial person who knows a lot about markets, movements and research. That's it you have achieved financial greatness!!!

Now lets go to smarter things in life. This can be explained in a much better by a good friend of mine, but anyways I ll try my best. Now we are moving to gadgetry greatness.

Say things like

" Hey Apple launched a new i- " x" . Now this x can be replaced by phone, tank, store, bank, cash, wash, basin or any word that you can catch hold on. It is on a launching spree. They are trying to emulate the US Defence forces which launches rockets, wars, biological weapons, videos on youtube etc.

Or you can say "Heard that Java is updating its software" Again Java keeps updating something or the other just to make the lives of the people working on it miserable.

Or you can say "Facebook has just tweaked its privacy settings" Again a company obsessed with privacy. If FB was established in India it would have been labeled as a bank. Its that safe.

Or you can say " A company X has just launched a mobile Y which has A mega pixel camera with Cg facilites , GPRS, GPS, PPM etc. Here X can be named after a God , Y can be replaced by a weird name like A3, my2 etc. And A and C can be replaced by any number that you can think of. (Remember the game "think of a number" ) .

So now you have achieved gadgetry Greatness!!! (notice the use of three exclamation marks just to show you that you are great already!!!)

Now I am pretty bored showing my greatness, this post can go on and on about ways and means to increase your rep, but as I said I am a blogger not a novelist. So go ahead flaunt your greatness!!!

TEAM MEETING: INDIAN CRICKET TEAM

2011-01-23T09:46:00.000+05:30

Please pick me

Like a true Indian, I was looking through some of the famous pirated websites, you know to find keys, locks, bullshit softwares and all that kind of stuff. I came across a website which was actually owned by a pirate. That's a great career shift that the man had taken. After reading his inspiring story, about how he had an epiphany of being an online pirate rather than an offline pirate, I came across a few transcripts of a meeting. I thought it to be some regular MP, SHIMPEE, talks or some principal taking bribe for getting a child admitted to Lower Nursery KG. But then a close look at it and I found names that were quite familiar: Kohli, Kirsten ( who I thought was the name of a bakra foreigner) , Virender ( who I thought was a name of a broker), Suresh ( resembles to the office boy). But then ( as a 1:00 PM local train between Fitratpur and Sewapur) It struck me. Man this is the Indian team meeting that we are talking about. I was filled with mixed emotions, where my emotions are so mixed that I get mixed into it. ( Yeah I do sound like William sometimes, Shakespeare that is!)

First I thought does Indian team hold meetings. Because taking the way they play and their current body structures, it seems that they hold Thanksgiving rather than meetings. Anyways there might be some draconian law that may have forced Indian team to hold meetings by the BCCI and they too must follow it.
As of now I got hold of some transcripts and they are as follows: (typical answersheet beginning)

Dhoni: Ok boys the Cup is at home, so don't come up with a performance that of last World Cup or we might have to go live in West Indies for the rest of our lives. And just in case I have booked my tickets to Bermuda, so that if something goes wrong, which normally does or even a Stock market tumble, rising fuel or even onion prices, all these can really build pressure among fans and they might vent it out on us.

Yuvraj: Right on the money skipper.

Dhoni: Kya right Yuvraj you need to perform buddy, otherwise seeing your increasing waistline you may very well be on the way to become an Indian commentator.By the way, please raise your hands those who have problems facing short balls.

All hands went up, Only Rohit had his hands down.

Dhoni: Come on Rohit we all know you have problems, own it up man!

Rohit: I do, but I not only have problems facing short balls, but also red balls, white balls, wide balls, long hops, half vollyes,,,
Dhoni: Ok we understand!!! Now listen up we have three minnows in our group, it is a good way to increase your averages, show that you performed in the Cup, and earn some records, so don't let it slip through your hands. So try scoring as much as you can, who knows what is in store for you. And Sachin might not play them so you have a good chance of coming in early Got it

EVERYONE: YEAH

Dhoni: The key strategy in batting would try and score as much as you can, try clearing boundaries it would be very short almost the size of a kabaddi ground, because our fans count the number of fours and sixes hit and not the runs scored, so better start hitting. Then if we lose we can blame everything on our bowlers, including petrol and onion prices.

Zaheer: This is not fair. The pitches are going to be flat, it would be a run fest how are we going to stop these guys.

Kirsten: Well I have a plan. Nehra you are the bowler that teams from Australia to Ireland are targeting so start giving press conferences about how ready you are as a bowler. You are in the fittest shape of your life. That you are bowling at 140 in the nets. Then when the Cup starts fake an injury after Bangladesh take you to cleaners. Then wear a dejected look in your face, and we will say we missed our secret weapon.

Nehra: Yeah that seems good for me.

Kirsten: Zaheer you will have to bowl through the entire tournament, sorry no options for you. So you can start practicing from now.

Zaheer: AAWWWWWW!

Kirsten: Bhajji I cannot say anything to you, cause even God does not know which Bhajji turns up on a given day. But please contribute with the bat.

Kirsten: Munaf you would be lucky if you get a game, so you can run around wearing that smile on your face. As it is we have to hide you in the field, so go on smiling and grinning.
And Praveen man I don't know why but for some strange reason selectors think you are an International cricketer and pick you for every match. So try bowling good off spins with the usual variations.

Praveen: But I am a fast bowler and not a spinner.

Kirsten: Yeah right we all know that, Kumble kaka bowls faster than you at this age.
And the rest pitch in with your part times and we will be through the first round. And bowlers please try and restrict teams to below 400 and our batsmen will do the job. OK
EVERYONE: YEAH

Kirsten : So lets bring the Cup home.

EVERYONE: YEAH

Sehwag: So can we start the sandwiches, I am hungry.

Kirsten: yeah you can sehwag, phew this might be the only meeting that we talked cricket. I am a brilliant strategist.

WILL the REAL SHANE WARNE PLEASE COME BACK???

2010-12-10T22:54:00.001+05:30

Let me live Ricky, I have better things to do than spinnin leather...

How lame can Australians get. After using all the gimmicks like psychological mind games, media warfare, parking lot brawls and a host of other things that I am unaware of due to my lack of interest in Australian politics. The Australians have tried pulling another trick from Ricky's guide to lame tricks. They have tried calling back Warne to counter England. How poor can this get.

Of course this is not the Australian Cricket Board, but the general mass who are trying to bring the legend back. They even have started a website by the name www.bringbackwarne.com, where in they collect petitions to bring back Warne. Australians who drop players like Symonds on basis of binge drinking will not be entertained by such public outcry.

I think Australian mass is much like its cricket captain who when nothing works go to Warne. Its like talking on a local train.
Australian 1: Hey we got whipped by England
Australian 2: What the hell we do mate
Aussie 1: Hey bring back Warne
Aussie 3: I am starting a website, 4 will do outdoor, 5 will go for digital etc. Lets crowd the webspace with this. Hooray nothing can stop us from regaining the Ashes once Warne is back.
Aussie 6: Hey lets bring on McGrath too.
Aussie 8 : Hey great idea lets bring Lee and Gillespie too. One is out injured and other is a commentator on Channel 9.
Aussie 1: Hey why don't bring Lillee and Thomo back, they are much better than Lee and Gillespie.
Aussie 10: Tell you what Ricky's captaincy sucks lets bring Ian Chappell back, heard he has written a book on Captaincy.
Aussie 9: No can do that mate, he is pretty sore from the punch he got from Mr. BEEFY.
Aussie 10: Ok Bring on Steve Waugh the ice man.
Aussie 11: Hey what's Watson doing opening lets bring back Sir Don......

And the story goes on...

But the important thing is Australian cricket team has an uphill task ahead, they have taken a good step by bring Mitch back and dropping North, Lets see what happens. Coz anything can happen over an URN..

Ricky's Revenge

2010-12-08T22:07:00.000+05:30

Two test down and trailing by 1 is not an ideal situation for an Australian citizen who has the captaincy of the world's fastest deteroriating team in an Ashes series that is taking place in Australia. Instead of analyzing what went wrong, I will concentrate on what Ricky needs to do to regain the Ashes in the next three Tests.

HELP ME TO HELP ME

Do black magic. Take some hair from McGrath's receding hairline and tie it to a doll that looks like Siddle. Take some hair from Shane Warne's head and tie to a doll that looks like Doherty. And hope that black magic actually works.
Take some lessons from the Indian bowling line-up. Admit your bowling line up is shit and mentally prepare your batting line-up to score 500 every time they hit the pitch. And if the bowlers do take some wickets, label your bowlers the next McGrath, Warne etc.
Understand that this is not F1 where the fastest wins, hence tell your bloody bowlers to stop concentrating on pace, physique and mustache and concentrate on line, length and swing.
Understand that bowling is not all about hitting top of the off stump, but also line, length and pace variation.
Tell some Englishman preferably KP to verbally take on one of your bowlers, this is the best way to motivate Indian bolwers which we have seen for years, eventhough his bowling will not improve but he will wag with the tail and score 50 after 50 and end the season on a high.
Stop placing fielders in absurdly silly places just to show that you have planned something big, and place regular slips instead of placing fly slips, second gully third cover and don't know what kind of field settings.
Start telling the your batsman that Hussey and Katich is not the only player who has to play Test Cricket. It is the duty of every batsman to make an effort to play Test Cricket.
Tell Katich where the stumps are!!!!
When things don't go your way, Ricky don't start itching your baggy green but instead DO SOMETHING!!
Tell your commentators to behave and not take on other ex-players to show how bad a loser Australians are!!!

RESUME OF A SUPER HERO

2010-10-02T19:45:00.001+05:30

Super heroes do have to make resumes. Why ? For a job of saving the world you need to carry a resume with you, you don't know when a head hunter might just ask for it. Well here is a sample resume of a SUPER HERO

SUPRA MAN ( NAME CHECKED FOR AVAILABILITY)
Cannot tell address as this might lead to revelation of my identity

Contact me through light, distress signals, shouting aloud for help, destruction of earth, natural calamity etc. etc.

Aim To be so well known that at least a Hollywood movie of 3 sequels, a marvel comic character, a Bollywood crap, a Tamil crap with Rajnikanth of 170 crores, a Telugu crap be made from my identity.

Educational Qualification:

Specially trained in Flying for no reason in the hot, polluted weather.
Jumping and spoiling paint of white colored buildings,
Sticking to buildings for no reason,
Arriving after the crime has been committed and then taking the crap out of the anti-social elements.
Posing for good photographs (helps tremendously in merchandising)

Strengths

Starting from the top

HIRE ME PLEASE!!! THE LEFT ONE IS ME ,THE OTHER GUY IS A CLOWN

Laser gun in the eye
Stretchable limbs with sticking features,
Knives out of knuckles
Water from finger nails (useful for ear cleaning)
Stretchable stomach ( Useful for eating large portions of food)
Body created to deflect bullets
Runs fully on human power, no Kryptonite, solar, or any other source of power required (God I ain't a mobile)
Have my own car, in case the weather is bad for flying
Belt where all my other numerous weapons when I am not in mood of superpower be hidden.
Jumping, flying good eyesight, low use of brain, and the list goes on...

Weakness

1. Cannot wake up early in the morning

2. Need my vacation break.

3. A natural dissonance to cops.

Experience

1. Scan the newspapers its full of them.

Volunteer Experience

1. Take children for a ride every once in a while.

2. Sometimes divide the loot among the poor.

3. Helped many criminals choose the right path by beating the crap out of them.

The above facts are true to my knowledge .

SD/.

7 USES OF AN EMPTY BOTTLE

2010-09-28T20:52:00.003+05:30

(Was thinking about writing 10 but could not think of 3 more stupid reasons)

An empty bottle as most might think is not as useless as it may seem. It has its own specialities some which could simply touch your soul. Here I mention some of the most relevant uses of an empty bottle of water ( not to get too excited about) that even the empty bottle may not have thought about.

Make funny noises by rubbing your fingers on it.
Make funny noises by blowing air into it.
Place the bottle carefully in your palm, aim at the closest person seen and throw hard at him. Due to the emptiness in the bottle it would not travel far or hit hard but atleast you will have the satisfaction of throwing it.
Fill half of it with water and ask people stupid questions like what do you see in this bottle. Expect to hear some even stupider answers like it is half full or half empty. And then bore others by saying it all depends upon perception as to who is an optimist and who is a pessimist. While maintaining all this time a look that puts even Einstein' s look after the nobel prize to shame.
Put very little water in it. And then put it out in the sun.Then wait for a crow or something to come and try drinking water from .IF the bloody crow puts dirty pebbles in it and then dies of diahorrea or dysentry or even bird flu, then go on lecturing about the land pollution, the crows getting affected due to it, the nature getting even with us etc etc.
Sell it your nearest junk dealer and argue for half an hour over a very very small amount of money and if you have succeeded in getting your side of your deal, Give a GORDON gekko kind of a look on your face.
Fill with pure water and go on lecturing about how u need to drink more than 5 litres a day to be healthy how water mobilizes you, is good for digestion, for heart, for kidney and things alike.

FOOTBALL TWEETS

2010-07-03T18:24:00.000+05:30

Some cools tweets some football crazy fans for the FIFA 2010 edition.

@English fan: Rooney hit the net not me.

@Englih fan2: Where is the bloody English defense, Has it gone out for tea?

@German fan: Bombed England Its WWII again Ha HA HA HA

@Englih fan3: That shot from Lampard went in.Let that refree boil in bloody oil.

@Brazilian fan: Who are these guys I donot recognise them where's Ronaldo

@Korean fan: GIVE US MORE FREE KICKS AND WE WILL SHOW U WHAT WE CAN DO

@@Portugese FAn: Why is Ronaldo running without the ball.

@Spanish fan: Hey I Like Torres better.

@Argetenian fan: Guys target goals not Messi.

@S Korean fan: Thank God we were not bombed.

@Cosmopolitan fan: Where is the dribbling people shooting from the kick-off line.

@Indian fan: Why is India not playing and why is Australia not playing like champions.

@Pakistani fan: Football is even more unpredictable than Our Cricket team.

@England: That's it I m switching to cricket. By the way is Australia still whipping us.

@Maradona: I'll shave when I win the cup. Btw Hey its better to see the match live rather than the TV at my drug rehab.

@Argentinian fan: Messi show us some cool moves.
@Messi: Hey I m a professional and not a circus clown

@ Emile Heskey: Strange Capello is playing me, my grand children are happy as hell.

@Italian fan: Had too much of cheap beer, Italian team seems really slow man

@French fan: You call that slow try watching our game, golfers can play better than us.

I WANNA BE A ROCKSTAR

2010-06-21T09:49:00.000+05:30

These are some easy to do steps in the quest to become the ultimate rockstar. Although care has been taken to provide as accurate data as possible but following these steps does not guarantee the rock star status.

I will employ a top bottom down approach to become the ultimate rock star.

First of all your hair. Either cut it very short to the point of baldness or let it grow like hell. Either way you can get that rockstar feel which you can flaunt at will. But remember when not in use (i.e. When not using your hair for head banging keep it neatly tied behind the back, otherwise it can cause hell lot of problems like getting entangled in trees, bushes,poison ivy or being an interactive gateway for some of nature's best like birds building nest. For them your head would seem like Beverly hills mansion.)

Second your eyebrows shall remain pierced at all times. Even though you cannot see where you are going or you get an eye infection still you shall maintain your eyebrows pierced.
Caution: Use stainless steel accessories for eye brow piercing or you might just get rust in your eyes.

Third comes your beard it should be flowing like Archimedes or even Galileo. Or it should be shaped into some kind of Japanese origamy. Either way your aim should be to look as wierd as possible.

Your ears should look like some magician has inserted the sword of excalibur into your ears and after a fountain of blood gushes you have sealed it using some cheap adhesive. Again either way it should look wierd.

Your torso including your hands should be covered in tattoo with some wierd sanskrit literature which no one including you understand. IT could be some poem learnt in school or even Sanskrit grammar that no person in this living world can understand.

Yes the important get guitar in hand even if you cannot play it this part is necassary. You cannot play along saying that i m the lead vocalist. Nobody will believe you. So even if you are the vocalist a guitar in hand is a must. Metallica :- A Case in point.

Then comes the useless part the legs or lower limbs. It should be as thin as possible. Don't ask me why but researching about 100 successful bands there is a direct correlation between thin legs and the success of the band. The thinner the average size of the legs of all members the more hits the band has. Legend has it the band members make maintain thin legs so that when the drummer forgets his sticks due to drug overdose any one band member can volunteer as the drum sticks.

So here it is the important points that you need to consider to become the next big thing in the rock n roll industry.

Disclaimer: These are suggestions based on research by a reliable source, following these steps is not going to ensure success in the above mentioned business. Hence any litigation will not be seriously considered.

When Aliens attack

2010-06-15T20:34:00.002+05:30

(Inspired by the award winning novel Hitch hikers Guide to Galaxy)

What would happen if earth suddenly gets attacked by those little bloody green things. Think about it. Well don't think about it , I will do the thinking for you. Well as a net savvy guy I would rather focus my attention towards the online version of the thought. Well you will have a flurry of updates, tweets and pokes in the cyber world. And what would that be? Well here is an excerpt from it.

Just saw a saucer the size of ma house! Cool!

Hey what's the thing with the red lights, Is Pakistan finally waging a war with us.

Wow! talked to a green guy, Couldn't understand a thing, Pretty lame huh!!!!!

Shooting of new Speilberg flick right in front of ma house! Is Angelina Jolie coming. Still MR. Speilberg flying saucers are so cliche""

All set The end is nighe.

The green little guy has a lazer ray gun burnt ma school. Holidays Yipeee!!1

10 things I want to do Before I get burnt by a laser ray gun.......

Just saw a shooting star, wished Brazil took the Cup!!!

A cigar, a beer and my bike that's all I need to end ma life and rite now i m enjoyin it

Need to finish "Lost" final season before I go Adios }

Who the hell said Aliens are primitive:

Shot a saucer with my anti-tank gun. Really

@Indian PM: WE shall not tolerate this mishcief from Pakistan

@Microsoft: We shall now make Windows Aliens compatible Windows Green.

@Apple: i-LIENS now at a store near you.

@IBM:Software solutions for the aliens near you, because they rule us.

@Warren Buffet: The fundamentals of Planet Gregatorium look pretty strong.

@ Richard Branson: Talks going for the that bloody hotel in moon.

@Vijay Mallya: LIKE @BRanson

@Lalit Modi: We shall consider the green things for the next IPL auction.

@Johnny Depp: Creatures very similar to my character Jack Sparrow.

@Formula One: Saucer engines shall be disallowed for the coming season.

@Google: Buy Advertisements space on flying saucer. And launching Google Space (beta version) shortly.

@Bloody Green Thing: One more update and I shall suck your earth dry, bloody Earthlings.

@ME: Dont give a damn.

DOn'ts of A PSYCHOPATHIC KILLER

2010-06-06T10:24:00.003+05:30

I am a pshycopathic killer who has been talked into by my victim the owner of the blog to write a post for this blog. Please don't ask me how the OWNER of the blog got me into this, but here I am writing for him. Actually I wanted to kill him, but I found him to be very interesting and a smooth talker, I think he should be some salesman or something but who cares I just want to write a bloody post and get outta here before my next victim completes his shower. You see I like to kill people when they are showering, really increases my brand equity.

Now the problem is that what should a man who kills three times a day write about. Hence as suggested by the owner of the blog that I should talk about the real practical problems that a psychopathic killer faces when he kills three times. Hence I would like the readers to take the following precautions when a psyhcopathic killer visits your home.

1. You shall shower three times a day, you see it maintains hygiene and gives me more chance to kill some of you guys. It really feels bad when I have to kill you in your sleep, it damages my brand equity as I mentioned before.

2. You shall at all times keep a sharp, sterilised knife at your house so that some days when my knife loses its edge after killing so many people I can use yours without hesitation.

3. Please put some light music preferably Jagjeet Singh so that it is easier for you to go into the night.

4. Keep your bathrooms clean I hate to work in dirty places.

5. Always before entering the shower say your last rites or prayers you never know when I might strike.

6. Please avoid having pets at home it hurts to send an innocent animal to hell

7. Please avoid smoking in your bath tubs because I am allergic to smoke.

8. Please avoid going into the shower full stomach cause sometimes when I am drunk, I tend to miss your heart and hit your stomach and many times your intestines get tangled into my blade hence with all that food on it, it really aids in corrosion so please have your food after your shower.

9. Please ensure clean towels and anti-bacterial liquid at your bathroom, it really aids in having clean blades.

10. And please don't have mobile phones at your bathroom where you try to call the police and I have to break your expensive phones, really it hurts the economy.

Hence these are the don'ts by a cold-blooded killer, so take care of this and death will come easier to you. And by the way this might just be the last post for this owner cause I have decided to kill this so called blogger. As it is he ain't got much visitors. Ok Bye Lov U guys.

SHOOT OVERDOSE

2010-05-25T12:34:00.000+05:30

Shoot has been one of the overused words in recent history. It basically means killing something with a bloody shotgun. But in a more sophisticated manner it means TO CONVEY YOUR IDEAS. People like to use it anywhere and everywhere. Silly words like this really are being used to simply reinforce the fact that the person using these words is a cool guy. This is the Americanisation of the language. Yes it is good but sometimes we use it so much that it really makes no sense of the word.

For example

You have an idea then shoot it. ( should I convey the idea or really shoot it)

You want to shoot something? Okay go ahead and shoot it. ( Please take care it is not an endagered species)

Shoot whatever you want but shoot it real fast. ( I can't shoot it any faster because the gun has a bullet released/trigger pressed of 2. Maybe I could use two guns)

Sometimes poeple like to combine one silly word with another just for the fun for it.

For example

Shoot the shit out of your mouth. ( Hey I can shit only from one place)

Shoot yourself if you can't shoot better than this. (Where is the gun I want to end here and now, Thank you cruel world for making me do this)

Shoot what you can hit. ( here shoot and hit both mean the same thing, Research is still is going on about this phrase)

You can shoot whatever you like but it ain't hitting me. (Yeah I need to improve my static target hitting skills)

Don't shoot in the dark( you might reduce the tiger's population to 1410)

Shooting ain't your game. ( Yeah I think blowing buildings off is more to my like it)

Shoot one more thing and I am literally shooting you. ( Oh yeah try me, I have mastered moving target hitting)

The SECOND STRINGER

2010-05-25T09:16:00.000+05:30

Second string

Second String Second String

Does it sound any ring

we are the second strings

We remain on the fringes

We play like hell

We work like hell

But still remain second

why leave us out being reckoned.

We may be second, but are second to none,

We are bloody workers we won't rest till the work is done,

Then why this prejudice

Why this injustice

To the people who remain second string

First team falters, are given chances,

We falter are thrown dirty glances,

What need we do to become the first team

Why are they played even though they lose steam,

Why risk losing

It is better than taking a shot at winning

We are firebred, we are baptised by fire

Still why being neglected to hire

Why do all first teamers have to be the second stringers first

Why can't people see the second stringers thirst,

All said and done I hope I don't

Get lost in the oblivion as a second stringer.

A SPORTS FAN"S TRAGEDY

2010-04-21T22:42:00.000+05:30

How can a poor sports fan not that good academically study at a high time like this. The examinations are near and neigh and to add to that we have a spate of sporting spectacles that we just cannot take our eyes off. Actually targeted at a time when the bacha log and the baba log escaping from the hot sun are in for the summer vacations. We the post graduate laggards have to suffer the abomination of giving exams at this bloody time of the year.

We have the T20 IPL and following that the world cup coming up. We sleep live hear near and dear cricket at this time of the year. All you could hear is board meetings, yuvraj’s form sehwag’s injury Nehra’s selection, Uthappa’s omission. We would like to concentrate on the academically unsound subjects as well. But fate has it that we have to suffer the examinations at a very very bad time.

Add to this Chelsea giving a lifeline to Manu and you have the perfect combination to make me want to flunk these bloody days and get over it. Alas in India flunking is equal to poverty, high taxes and children going to Municipal schools. So to prevent my children going to Municipal schools I have to skip one of the most exciting and thrilling ending to an EPL season. What a shame.

IF we also consider the Champions league where the world’s best attacking lineup goes up against the world’s best defense , I am talking about the Inter Vs Barcelona match. All one can do is sneak peek to some of the breathtaking Messi moves, or a Cambiasso run. All these like some intoxicating drugs are pulling my kids from private schools and colleges to municipal run colleges.

This is more of test of my resistance and tempatation rather than a test of management skills and stuff like that. How can a living man resist things like these only you tell me MR. Almighty.

RICHES TO RAGS STORY

2010-04-16T16:12:00.000+05:30

How to become a beggar in 10 easy ways:

1. Buy a stake in the Indian football clubs in the ONGC-I league. It’s a great way to lose money.

2. Try buying the stocks listed on the Economic Times. They are good at convincing you to throw your money.

3. Do an MBA from any damn college in India, they charge high but give nothing in return.

4. Try betting on the Indian cricket team for the next April’s T20 World Cup.

5. Turn into an all vegetarian diet, the foodflation is such you are bound to lose a lot of liquidity in liquidizing your stomach.

6. Start your mobile phone company you will be crushed under the competition.

7. Try selling original software in the Indian market.

8. Join Kapil Dev’s ICL.

9. Set up a turn key project in Bihar, boy that sure is gonna succeed.

10. Bet all your money on this blog hitting the 1000 mark in the next fiscal year.

ONE : STICKY NIGHT

2010-04-14T14:54:00.000+05:30

In the dark of the night,

You pick up the best in sight,

The bush that brings the smoke,

Something that makes u choke,

They crush it ,

Then they brush it,

They remove it,

They dissolve it,

They fill it ,

Then they refill it,

They mix it,

Then they fix it,

They roll it

Before they burn it.

They inhale it,

Feels like an innocent mover,

They exhale it,

Feels still like a new found lover,

Then comes the spider, the dreaded spider,

It walks through the empty lane,

It crawls through the empty pipes,

Its legs being felt at every inch and corner,

Done to maximize that tingling sensation,

They feel good, but still haven’t been

Feelin’ this well for lives gone green,

Then suddenly you hear them,

You hear them loud you hear them clear,

You feel why some things are so near,

You see your dear,

You talk to your own bloody fear,

You smell the bush

It kills you with a slight push.

Your body fluid dries,

Your throat fries,

Under the moonless night you wonder

Whether it is worth or a bloody blunder,

You can hear ticks, you can hear the tweaks,

Why this is so clear, are we bloody freaks,

You start with a lisa smile,

It means you are taken for a mile,

Some call it a forelorn journey,

I call it a hard fought derby,

You try to fight for normalcy,

The harder you try, the more the intimacy,

You let yourself go,

With one good blow,

But still sounds don’t go,

Emptiness scare you,

People confuse you,

You try to steal a wink,

Alas its an armour with no chink,

You try to remember good ol’ days,

But alas there are only bad hot Mays,

Listen to the music,

Well it makes you sick,

It takes you left , it takes you right,

You try going straight with all your might,

You try to remember to forget,

But it is not that easy to take a bet.

You enjoy munchin

Cause you feel a fire in your belly,

The smoke might have died down

But the ash still remains,

It still blackens your brains

Like an unstoppable rain,

IT floods your thoughts,

You connect the connecting dots,

This might not rhyme well,

IT might sound like hell,

But this is a shit,

That only few can hear the bell.

LIFE :-> A DOG's PERPECTIVE

2010-04-05T09:10:00.005+05:30

Live like a dog , die like a dog

This is my memoir: - a bloody hardcore street-dog. Yes we dogs too have a memoir. I would like to thank the owner of this blog , a good friend whom I have chased a hell lot of times, for giving me this opportunity to write my painful story. Sorry I don’t have the time or space to write my painful story as told by the owner of the blog by throwing a stone on my face. Later in this post I would refer to him as just the “OWNER” Hence you as great readers have missed the chance of witnessing some of the tragic stories of all time. What an idiot this OWNER is? Still I would like to share with you my daily routine.
Sorry for the language we dogs don’t care much about that stuff. It is hard to bark in your mind and then write on MS office.

I get up early as 10 a.m. After a hell lot of chasing, the dog’s tired. He needs his sleep. Hence the first thing I do after getting up is pick-up fights with the nice homely dogs that they call “Thorough bred”. These are the dogs usually accompanied by oldies, and cute girlies. Both of whom cannot control a dog, who does nothing but walks on earth like he has never seen land, garbage and dirt before. Boy I live for that shit. These specially taken care or “Trained” dogs (sarcasm intended) move around like a misguided missile without a sense of direction here and there smelling everything from trees to plants to puddle (oh what immature little dogs). I don’t blame them they are so well kept and well-fed that they really have never stepped outside in the sun.

Among these trained dogs are also categories. The first is the Pomerian: the white furry little devil. I don’t why this species has been classified under dogs. Cause you know man I think this a cat with a lot of bloody fur on. Scared as hell he walks as if he just seen Scooby Doo. I have a large gang man. ME with other filthy dogs really scare the little man, he justs hopes that he dies soon enough.
Then the second to come is the German Shepherd. A hunter’s dog they say. But no match for us road-dogs. We are the scrappiest of them all. You might be pure breed but we are the strong breed. He might be lion at home but on the streets you better watch your paw, else you gonna see what the saying “Fight in the dog means”.
Then there are other undogly dogs who put us hard steelers to shame. They think that they real smart, but what do they know that in the street it is the street smart that wins.

Come noon and its time for the dogs nap. He hates it when some damn kid throws pebbles at the dog, when he is asleep. IT really pisses the lamp-post outta me. And yeah one warning to you readers don’t mess with the dog’s tail, its sort of a sympbol of pride for us dogs, you mess with it we mess with you. You don’t mess with it still we mess with you. Coz after all we dogs have our way.

Then comes the night, the most exciting time of ma day. I chase cars, chase bikes, chase men, chase everyone. I become Bond of Quantum of Solace. You got that real smart quip. Cars are the most favourite, that one time I chased an SUV, the driver got so scared that he hit a tree. Later the cops found out that there was cocaine stashed in the hood. Ma’s happiest day of life. Done something for the country. Sent application for the president’s medal , was rejected , Bloody beauracrats. Then at late midnight the real stuff begins. We at gang war with rival gangs over territory. We don’t want any dog to get into our territory and eat our food, drink our water, get dirty in our mud, chase our cars, chase our bikes. Got that really pisses the man off!!.

WE like crocs really territorial. Occassionally we do get cats in our territory but only with the permission of the man. See we dogs do have hearts. And lastly the OWNER is now really mad at the man he is comin with a stick so gotta go, if I get time I will publish ma book and may even win the Poker Prize or is it the Booker Prize. Anyways gotta go.

RENDEVOUS WITH A GENIE

2010-03-29T18:49:00.003+05:30

My rendevouz with a damn genie

One not so fine day I was walking across a lake and I happened to chance upon an empty beer can. When I by chance trying to see something was left to wet the man’s throat and suddenly from the cloud of smoke a damn genie appeared.

Then the regular conservations took place ( I really am tired of this stuff) and he decided to grant me a SINGLE wish. I asked him :
“ Damn man I was working like hell to release a genie who was going to grant my five wishes and here you are, and you are going to grant just a single wish, what are you hit by recession or something or stuck on a low paying job”

Genie:- “ Hey don’t damn me I am the genie here remember and first of all you were trying to wet your throat like all my other masters, that’s the reason why I first of all chose to be trapped under a beer bottle and not in some old-age antique lamp which nowadays usually ends up in a museum with high security, so no bloddy fool can either rub it or even touch it.
Secondly, yes I was hit by the slow-down hence I have to grant ur single wish. Now ask it fast so that I can be set free from this stinking low-grade roadside beer bottle.”

Me: Alright then no need to get so stuffy genie boy here’s ma wish “Give me shit loads of money”

Genie: One another thing before I got into this genie business I was a reputed lawyer in a big Boston Firm during the 1930 Great American Depression, hence do not use those words before me like “Stuffy” “shitloads” and “ma” , ( boy what a rustic idiot).
Now before I give you your shit loads of money I would like you to view your tax ramifications. Its like more than 33 % of your shit load. And according to me being a genie of the past a shit load would be around 1 lakh Rupees, if that is your currency. Hence you will be left with around 66000 rupees. Hence after some service taxes and all that kind of stuff you will left with 60000 bucks do you really want that option.

Me: Yeah what a genius you are Mr. genie so I would go for another wish

Genie: Go ahead lad

Me: What about making me the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Good thing, name wealth steady income what more could a 22 year old would want. Ain’t I smart?

Genie: Not so smart lad. First of all I don’t think that you read your papers that much do you?. First of all a sudden emergence of a non-listed company inside the Fortune 500 would create a havoc inside the financial world. All the law firms and lawyers in the world would swoop down like vultures and will ask you to show your assets your source of revenue, your plans. What are you gonna tell them that you have genie in the beer bottle huh, Boy you are going to be trapped for a long time behind the bars.

Me: Hmmm… Then this is a tricky proposition and I am treading on dangerous waters( use of good language to impress the genie). After thinking long and hard for around 5 seconds Okay I have decided “Make me the owner of an already established company”

Genie: So you really want to get killed rather than go to jail hey lad. You really don’t read your papers. The moment you become the owner the real owner who might have to be killed, his brothers and sisters and the whole family will come hard on you. Not for avenge his death but to get that bloddy chair. And then you will be on parole of some pretty nasty cops and even on the list of some not very good men. So think boy think!

Me: Oh shit man, I did not know it was that hard to make a wish. I have seen guys on screen make very simple but stupid wishes. Like getting wisdom, knowledge, eternal life. Now why do you need any of these money alone is sufficient to cover all of these. My brain has already been racked by weighing your different options and I cannot think anymore. So the only thing right now I could think of is GO TO HELL MR. GENIE. I don’t want you see your face and thou shall rot in hell. So off you go into the stinking bottle of yours and never ever show your bloody face again.

Genie: Same old story eh!!!!

Save our Tiger's Commercial

2010-03-27T17:37:00.004+05:30

A very fine initiative by India’s leading company Aircel to save the tigers have taken the advertising world by storm. A very noble cause, an initiative that should have been a long time back, especially when there were more than 1411 tigers left. The problem that I have with this campaign is nothing but a very trivial matter. But as a marketing student I would really like to bring it up.

The advertisement shows members of the Chennai Super Kings team MS Dhoni and Suresh Raina bringing to light, the plight of the 1411 tigers left in the country. But would audience connect to this plea. I know this is the IPL season and they are going to be the most visible and talked stars right now on the television media. But really cricketers endorsing a social cause is a little hard to digest.

A better and more effective way out would be someone from the environment front, a Shashi Tharoor or even a Mrs. Azmi would have been much more effective. Because the moment people see them it reminds them of standing for a cause. Such is the demeanor of such powerful individuals. A Mr. Bachchan would also been effective given the father like image that he has created with his on-screen charisma.

Here in this advertisement we could get confused signals, I mean yes everybody understands what they are about to say but Dhoni rooting for a cause just when he is leading his side to defeat is a little difficult to digest. Anyway we can only generate opinions and debate about what is right and what is wrong, but we need to have a close look at a grave situation here, that is the dwindling number of tigers in our country. I am happy Aircel has understood its Corporate Social Responisbility and acted accordingly. And I would urge more such campaigns taken up by different Corporates to make India a better place to live in.

The Return of the Tiger.

2010-03-24T19:49:00.002+05:30

Tiger Tiger burning bright
In the forest of the night……

So the poem goes by one of the greatest tigers in Indian literature, that is Shri Rabindranath. Actually although some might call me mad, but the return of the tiger has really re-ignited the least watched sport on the planet before test cricket back to life.
And it is quite right , I did not understand why had he to go to a rehabilation centre. Now sports has nothing to do with your personal life. Just because some of the nice hypocrites you have to hide under the carpet and not do what you do the best.

Elegance , maturity , consistency (seems like the Accenture Ad) was the hall mark of the great Woods. It is sad that we always like to look the other side of the coin and not enjoy some of the greatest players in the history. Similar incidents have happened to Beckham, Cole and now recently John Terry all best in their uniforms, but sadly we tend to put more weightage on their personal lives rather than their on-field exploits. It is a welcome change to see the Tiger back on the green teeing off with some of the greats, but there is still a question to be asked. Will he be able to pull out the best in him. Remember not all have done this successfully, the shame and humiliation might just distract him from the real stuff, but he is the Tiger , if he cannot do it then no one can.

Not everyone has come off from layoffs very well, whether it is the Phenom Luis Ronaldo or even Rondaldhino they all are now a shadow of their best. It is hard after a long time to get back on track .Who better to explain then our very own Dada. Yes I know he averaged around 60 after his comeback, but his strike rate had gone down considerably, he was more subtle in his attacks, more resevered and we certainly do not like to see our Bengal Tiger scratching and with his broken nails. And that was what took him away from the team . A Dada who is not aggressive is not that useful after all. So as our Tiger (only 1411 left) chugs on in the IPL 3 scratching his way back into those classy offdrives we can only hope for the best for MR. Woods ( only 1 left)