The Ad Pundit

Jared - Airplane Proposal

2013-12-09T10:35:00.000-05:00

When watching football yesterday, I was taken slightly aback by one of the commercials I saw:

So a guy decides to propose to his girlfriend on an airplane. This raises a very important question: Why?

Since they're on a plane, they are likely headed either to or from a vacation destination. So why would the guy propose while still on the plane? There are many romantic places where a man could propose to his girlfriend, but I don't think an airplane is one of them.

The only possibility I can think of is that this guy really wants to join the Mile High Club. He probably doubts that he'll ever have the opportunity, and then he has a brilliant idea. Sure, he could wait until they get to their destination, OR he could propose in flight, and maybe he'll get to enjoy some bathroom nookie. I mean, doesn't she pretty much have to do him now?

Bathroom. Now.

As I think about it further (and really, I've given this WAY more thought that it deserves), I suppose that maybe the couple originally met while on an airplane. In that case, then the airplane proposal would actually be somewhat fitting.

My second question is: How the hell does the flight attendant know that the ring is from Jared? Maybe he told her that he was about to propose and she asked about it. But from my experience, most women would be more interested in the "four C's" rather than where he got it. Besides, look at her expression. She seems quite surprised by the proposal.

Isn't it kind of confusing to announce, "He went to Jared?" Would most people even know what the heck she was talking about? This guy sure doesn't:

Huh?

But I suppose it all ends well. She said yes, the passengers all get to share tiny bottles of champagne, and this guy is about to get some in the lavatory.
Rating - 2 TVs - Jewelry commercials are inherently evil, but this one manages to be both evil and stupid. I just hope the bathroom loving was worth it to the guy.

Retro: AOL - Jerry Stiller

2013-07-26T15:16:00.000-04:00

Over on The Cutter Rambles, I began talking about this AOL commercial, and I realized it deserved some Ad Pundit-style analysis:

I give AOL credit for acknowledging how most people felt about getting those CDs in the mail. But deep down, don't you kind of miss them?

That is certainly an impressive piece of artwork. But did AOL provide CDs in all those colors, or did they have to supplement the fish with other CDs? Why isn't this commercial answering these important questions?

Look honey! There's a creepy little Jewish man in our house!

Before this couple could waste their AOL CD (As if there wouldn't be another one in the mail tomorrow), Jerry Stiller shows up to set them straight. The couple seems quite impressed that Jerry is in their home. Then again, it doesn't seem to be too hard to impress these people.

For instance, they sure seem impressed by the fact that AOL has introduced new features.

Please....tell us more.

How does the woman react when she hears that there's a 90 day money back guarantee? Let's just say that it's obvious that this little lady hasn't been so excited in years.

We must have the AOL now!

They get a good laugh when Jerry suggests using a Snoop Dogg CD in the fish instead.

What a kidder! Everyone knows that rap music is the work of the devil!

But someone isn't quite amused...Snoop Dogg is in the hizzouse!

Now wait just one minizzle!

Hilarity ensues.

Oh look, Honey. There's a black man in our house. Call the police!

Rating - 4 TVs - I do enjoy me some good 90's nostalgia. And this commercial features AOL CDs, Jerry Stiller, and Snoop Dogg. It doesn't get much more 90's than that.

Exciting Things are Happening at Burger King

2013-05-09T14:58:00.001-04:00

Burger King has launched a new ad campaign. It takes place at a fictional Burger King and introduces a bunch of new products that are only on the menu on a temporary basis. Sounds simple enough, right?

That's when the strategy takes a big left turn. First they were using celebrities: A handsome David Beckham, an ancient looking Steven Tyler, a smoking hot Selma Hayek.

My problem is that the focus on the products is taken away by the stupid crap they have the cast doing in the commercials. Even though they had celebrities, they were all pretty much acting the fool.

On the other hand, if they simply showed this image with the words"Buy a salad" below it, I would happily oblige.

Salad sales immediately increased by 300%

After that, I guess they ran out of ad money on celebrities, because when promoting the cheaper Whopper Jr., they used a puppet instead. And not even a famous puppet like Kermit the Frog or Big Bird!

They've got everything at this Burger King! Selma Hayek's doing costume changes, Steven Tyler's manning the to-go window, and puppets are forcing people to dance. Did someone slip some LSD into the ice machine?

To top it off, they decided to be the only fast food chain to embrace the internet meme by remixing the Whopper Jr commercial with the Harlem Shake:

If this was my neighborhood Burger King, I'd definitely be hitting up the Golden Arches. Or Wendy's. Or Fuddrucker's. Or I'd take the time to cook a damn burger myself.

Besides, I've never seen a Burger King (or for that matter, ANY fast food joint) where the employees are that happy. Really, the only time I've ever even seen customers that happy is when they've been drinking. Heavily.

People don't go to fast food restaurants to have fun. They go there to eat quickly and cheaply. Don't paint it as something it's not.

Hopefully the really exciting thing happening at Burger King is that this commercial concept is like sweet potato fries: For a limited time only.

Rating - 1 TV - The only reason for one TV is Hayek's voluptuous, bouncing....personality. Of course, if that's all it took to sell me a burger, Hardee's/Carl's Junior would have all of my business.

World of Red Bull

2013-03-27T16:02:00.000-04:00

The synopsis of this commercial is people doing cool activities I’d assume 95% of people on earth have never tried. In the meantime, some slightly foreign-sounding guy talks about pushing boundaries to the limit while epic music plays in the background. To truly appreciate the commercial, you have to step back a bit.

Red Bull has basically made the energy drink market its bitch. It invaded Jolt cola’s market, dethroned the king, and now wears the crown. No matter what new gimmick drink Mountain Dew or Monster unveil, Red Bull is like Jordan in his prime. It has achieved the Super Bowl of a product; it has become a part of our verbal lexicon, amid the ranks of Xerox and Coke. No one is going to walk into a bar and order a Monster and Vodka (unless they are asking the bartender to check them into an actual rehab facility).

Of course Red Bull still has to advertise. After all, when you’re king, you want your subjects far and wide to know your name. But there’s no need to say things like “new” and “improved.” When you’re on top of the ladder, there’s no need to go any higher. And Red Bull does sponsor a lot of extreme sports and activities all around the globe. So why not just have an ad showing all that the cool shit they choose to sponsor (read: advertise on)? Brilliant!

“But Sweaty,” you may say, “their ads don’t even show their product or what’s in it, aside from the trademark dueling toros rojos.” That’s probably not a bad thing.

What’s in Red Bull is a lot of chemicals designed to stop your body from telling you that you’ve stayed up too late, no mas! And besides, look at commercials today. What the modern day Mad Men don’t want you to see is that, besides ads selling cars, cleaning products, and pharmaceuticals, very few ads actually talk about what the products they’re advertising actually do!

What does a talking gecko have to do with insurance? A race car driver with internet domain names? A Clydesdale with beer (other than one makes you have to pee like the other)? It’s all branding.

Which brings us back to Red Bull. They abandoned the cartoons and catchy slogan, and instead put on a breathtaking show of basically people doing cool activities I’d assume 95% of people on earth have never tried. Long live the king.

Rating - 4 TVs - Isn't it ironic that a company that discusses how its product "gives you wings" sponsored a guy falling from space? Shouldn't it be "Red Bull gives you a capsule and a parachute to hinder your fall?"

Hyundai Santa Fe - Team

2013-02-07T11:07:00.000-05:00

At first, this commercial for the Santa Fe didn't make much sense to me:

This kid has a group of friends who seem to be freakishly strong. What's even more confusing is how they come running to help him as soon as he shows up. How did they know what he wanted?

It finally made sense when I realized who the child was: Charles Xavier!

The boy in this commercial is obviously a young Professor X. He used his mutant telepathy to locate other mutants who could help him out. And the reason they already seem to know what's going on is because he contacted them psychically and asked them for help.

And just who are these junior X-Men that he has assembled?

The Brawn Brothers - Two brothers with amazing strength!

Welder - With the power to construct any device! (Want more proof that this is really Charles Xavier? Look at what Welder is building. It looks a lot like Professor X's Cerebro machine.)

Phyla - He can channel the power of any animal on Earth!

Asbestos - The Fireproof Boy!

Together, they shall join together and vanquish the evil bullies who have stolen Xavier's ball!

Now you might be wondering why Xavier didn't just use his powers against the bullies and be done with it.

That's a good question, but it is consistent with Xavier's behavior in the comics. Why use your powers to stop the bad guys when you can recruit a group of super-powered children to do the job for you?

Rating - 4 TVs - This commercial has gotten me quite excited to see the next X-Men movie. Good job Hyundai!

Speed Stick - Laundry

2013-02-07T10:29:00.000-05:00

The next Super Bowl commercial up for review comes from Speed Stick:

After waiting a long time for a dryer, a man becomes impatient, takes someone else's clothes out, and throws them on the floor.

I think he was quite justified in doing so.

In a communal laundry setting, it is common courtesy to remove your clothes in a timely manner. By washing your clothes at a laundromat, you're basically agreeing to a social contract that says, "I will remove my clothes soon after they are done, or I run the risk of having them thrown on the floor."

Unfortunately, he is caught in the act by the owner of the laundry, and she happens to be an attractive woman.

I think this is the root of the problem. Being an attractive woman, she is probably used to getting her way. If she wants to let her clothes linger in the dryer, then everyone should just accept that her clothes shall linger.

She is probably shocked that someone would dare throw her majestic laundry onto the floor. This is probably one of the worst insults she has ever suffered.

I mean, shouldn't she find it strange that a random stranger is offering to fold her laundry? I guess when you live in "Attractive Woman Land" you expect people to do these kinds of things for you.

And when you're done folding, carry them to my apartment!

What a f***ing princess.
Rating - 2 TVs - What is Speed Stick trying to tell us here? That we should just bow to the wishes of attractive women? I don't think so, Speed Stick.

Super Bowl: Cars.com - Wolf

2013-02-04T16:58:00.000-05:00

The Super Bowl has come, and the Super Bowl has gone. Now there's nothing left to do but debate whether or not that should have been a holding call.

Or we could talk about the commercials. That's always fun too.

I thought that this year's game featured a particularly weak crop of commercials. You might think that would make my job easier. You might think that bad ads are more easily mockable, and so that would give me much more material to write about.

But my goal is not to mock. My goal is to analyze and review. Sure, I'll mock the mockable, but that really isn't what I set out to do. At least not usually.

Despite the disappointing fare, I'm still going to power through and deliver some reviews. The first ad I'll look at comes from Cars.com:

Let me get this straight: The car dealership has a wolf on-site so that they can provide their customers with drama?

How could anyone have thought this was a good idea? Didn't they watch The Grey?

Admittedly, I didn't watch it either. But I know the basic storyline: Liam Neeson fights wolves, because wolves are horrible, predatory creatures who would like nothing better than to tear into the flesh of a human being.

Even if you didn't see The Grey, surely you remember children's fairy tales like Little Red Riding Hood and The Three Little Pigs. The basic moral was the same: Wolves are evil, and must be destroyed at all costs.

It seems like the dealership is going to cost themselves a sale. First of all, I don't think I'd want to buy a car from a dealership that has a live wolf roaming the grounds. Even if I did still want to buy the car, I probably wouldn't be able to, because I would likely be attacked and killed by the wolf.

Shouldn't the dealer be more concerned? He's the one who's been keeping the wolf cub captive. Isn't he the first person that the wolf would attack?

It's actually kind of amazing that the couple even made it this far into the process considering that there is A WOLF ROAMING FREE THROUGH THE OFFICE! The chances of the wolf not attacking any of the customers is insanely small, especially since the wolf has already been provoked by the abduction of its young.

I hope whoever came up with this idea was fired. Or better yet, they should feed the person to the wolf so that it doesn't maim or kill any of the customers.

I can't emphasize enough how bad of an idea this was

Rating - 1 TV - This is really not a good advertisement for Cars.com. Sure the app might help people find a car they want and negotiate the price. But it is clear that the app doesn't provide customers with the most important information that they would need: THE DEALERSHIP THREATENS CUSTOMERS WITH A LIVE WOLF! AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

KFC - Lackluster Party

2013-02-02T14:59:00.000-05:00

Before the big game, I wanted to give you one last retro Super Bowl ad. This one is from 2002 and features Jason Alexander.

Alexander stops by a Super Bowl party, and comments on how lackluster it is.

Well isn't he just Johnny Party Snob? You'd think that a famous actor would have something better to do than show up at random Super Bowl parties and make fun of them.

Then again, he does have a point. That party doesn't look especially exciting.

Alexander implies that the reason the party is subpar is because of the food they're eating. I'd say the reason that the party sucks is because it's just four dudes sitting on the couch.

Now, I understand that watching football is a guy thing. We don't necessarily want the women around to get in the way and ask stupid questions like, "You mean the coaches are brothers? Oh that's so cute!"

(By the way, you KNOW there are going to be people who say something like that on Sunday. When they do, try to limit the eye rolling.)

But come on, this is the Super Bowl! We have seventeen weeks of the regular season to be into the games. Unless you really care about one of the teams, the Super Bowl should be about socializing, food, and commercials.

And for a group of guys who wanted to watch the game together, they don't seem to be too into it. Maybe it's a lousy game, but these guys aren't talking to each other, and they barely even seem to be paying attention.

I suspect that these guys aren't actually friends. I'm guessing that their wives or kids are friends, and so their wives forced them all to get together to watch the game, even though they'd probably be somehwere - anywhere - else.

The mood changes in a hurry thanks to the arrival of former NFL stars Jim McMahon and William "The Refrigerator" Perry. The two former Philadelphia Eagles are ready to party, and they brought along some KFC Honey BBQ Wings!

KFC wants us to believe that the wings are the reason for the party's turnaround. But I'm willing to bet that just about any party would be improved by having two NFL players randomly show up.

It wouldn't really matter what kind of food they brought. They could bring nothing but a platter of corn and Doritos, and I'd still think it was pretty awesome.

If KFC really wanted to show how good their product was, they wouldn't have had two former NFL stars bring the wings. They would have had the KFC wings delivered by two people who most guys wouldn't want to watch the game with.

For instance, why not have the wings delivered by Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher? If the party still became good, then I'd believe that the wings can truly make a party awesome.

Who's ready for some football?

Rating - 2 TVs - Sure, the party definitely improved. But did KFC have anything to do with it? Doubtful.

IBM - Spelling

2013-02-01T09:27:00.002-05:00

Sometimes when looking back at these ads from the past, I find it difficult to interpret them correctly. While some of them might seem quite dated now, I'm sure they felt modern at the time.

So when reviewing this IBM ad from 1986, I tried to put myself in the mindset of a person living in 1986.

Obviously, 1986 was quite a few years ago, and I was relatively young at the time. So my memories of the time might be a little fuzzy.

If I recall, here was the basic setup: Ronald Reagan was fighting the Communists, Bill Cosby was entertaining the nation every Thursday night, and Falco was educating the world about Mozart.

OK, I think I'm ready to look at this commercial from the 1986 Super Bowl.

We see a few instances where people have misspelled words. Obviously this is quite embarrassing for them. Although in a couple of those cases, I think that a simple proofreading would have saved them from a lot of the embarrassment.

For those of us who can't spell well and can't take the time to review our work, IBM has a solution. They have created a typewriter that will analyze typing and beep if it detects a misspelled word.

What?

How is this possible? A typewriter is just a machine. How could it possibly know what we were typing? Unless...

Oh no. Oh no! Have the machines have gained intelligence? Holy crap! Was The Terminator (which was of course released two years ago) correct? Are the machines self-aware now? Are they preparing to rise up and enslave mankind?

IBM has doomed us all!

We're screwed now

Rating - 1 TV - If you're reading this, that means that I've managed to survive the robot apocalypse. I am assuredly searching for other survivors so that I can form some sort of human resistance movement.

Please wish me luck, and may God have mercy on us all.

Super Bowl Retro Week: EDS- Herding Cats

2013-01-30T11:24:00.001-05:00

Cutter's Note: Since her first ad review was so good, I decided to have Mini-Blonde (Now knowns as Mandy the Mini-Blonde) come back and join in the amazing fun that is Super Bowl Retro Week!

Today, I will be looking at a commercial that first aired during the 2000 Super Bowl:

As an owner of two kittens and someone who does business with the federal government, I can relate to both the literal and figurative messages of this commercial.

My Pretty Kitties

Lint rollers! Yarn! Kitty scratches! Sneezes! Trouble wrangling things together! I understand all of those things. But what I don’t understand is what EDS actually does.

Nowadays, I can use my Droid to look up the company without leaving the couch. In 2000, I would have had to walk over to my desktop, wait for dial up, and then hope I remembered the company name or the AOL keyword because I’m sure EDS wouldn’t come up in the Yahoo search results for “cat herders.” Then again, maybe it did.

Maybe that’s why we Google things now?

I have a problem with a business-to-business company advertising on the Super Bowl. The competition for attention during the Super Bowl is so fierce that it’s unlikely that you’ll really resonate with your target audience.

What if the few people who figuratively needed their e-business cats herded were distracted by their kids playing Pokemon? Or rejoicing over AOL’s acquisition of Time Warner by popping opening a can of Surge? Or trying to figure out how to respond to their friend’s poorly delivered “I see dead people” joke?

Then all you’re left with is a bunch of football lovers and their friends who remember that "cute cat commercial," but not your company.

Surge: Gone but not forgotten

I work for a professional services firm, so I understand how hard it is to explain in layman’s terms what your company does. So bravo to EDS for a valiant (and really cute) try.

However, the explanation of EDS in this commercial is so vague, I could use the same commercial for my firm, and I’m not sure if they even provide the same services as my firm (I looked it up. They do not).

Despite their flagrant misuse of ad dollars, EDS actually survived the dot-com bubble burst and went on to be acquired by Hewlett-Packard. I’m sure many people were laid off, and the person who decided to buy space for this commercial during the Super Bowl was probably among them.

But this commercial is really, really cute. If cat herder was a real job, I would be the first in line when an opening became available.

I wonder where they are herding the cats to? My guesses:

To the Netherlands to serve as mice deterrents for the world’s largest piece of cheese.
To serve as the front lines to successfully thwart the Great Dog Invasion of 2000.
To a magical place called Cat Mountain where cats always stay kitten-sized and they love to cuddle.

It was most likely none of those things because the last two don’t exist and the first would be really unsanitary. But maybe, just maybe, with EDS’s ability to bring together information, ideas, and technology, we could make Cat Mountain happen.

Super Bowl Retro Week: Taco Bell - Lions

2013-01-29T21:22:00.000-05:00

This Sunday is the Super Bowl. You know what that means? That's right, it's Super Bowl Retro Week here at The Ad Pundit!

For the third year in a row, we're going to take a look at some Super Bowl ads from years past. Why? Because there's nothing quite as awesome as nostalgia.

The first retro ad aired during the 2007 Super Bowl, and I will admit that it was a personal favorite of mine:

We start off normally enough with a couple of lions talking about the campers and their Taco Bell steak grilled tacquitos.

Wait, did I say we started off normally enough? I must have somehow overlooked the fact that HOLY CRAP, THERE ARE TALKING LIONS!

Okay, maybe I should calm down a bit. Maybe this is just a case where the lions are actually speaking some sort of lion language, (Do lions have their own language?) and it's being translated for our benefit.

I kind of understand why they would do that. In all honesty, a commercial featuring a couple of lions growling at each other probably wouldn't be too interesting, and it probably wouldn't do much to push Taco Bell's product.

But if that's the case, why does the lion mention Ricardo Montalban? How would the lions even know who Ricardo Montalban is?

Even if the lions had somehow been able to watch television, there is no way they should have known who Ricardo Montalban is...unless the lions can understand English.

Which brings me back to...HOLY CRAP THERE ARE TALKING LIONS!

Rating - 3.5 TVs - I like this commercial. But I'll be honest with you: I'd really like to know more about how the lions are able to speak and understand English.

I decided to add an extra star to the rating for the excellent voice over work done by the esteemed Mr. Montalban. That man was a class act all the way.

R.I.P. Mr. Roarke

Google Play - New Years Resolutions

2013-01-22T14:21:00.000-05:00

In an effort to provide the readers of this site with more diverse content, I decided to let someone else take a shot at reviewing a commercial.

Today's guest reviewer is the always witty Mini-Blonde. She'll be taking a look at Google Play's latest commercial titled "New Years Resolutions."

"A new year, a new you."

That's so cliché. It’s like Google is giving you a bad pick up line: “You’re trying to get in shape, I’m trying to get in shape, we’re like the same person. Let’s totally do it!”

And it’s kind of annoying that Google would make the assumption that based on the new year, I’m trying to get in shape. But they’re right! I totally am! Looks like Google is getting laid.

But what about the fatsos who don’t care about working out? Well, they’re in luck! One of the reason Google commercials are so fun is because they're like 20 mini-commercials in one 60-second spot.

Actually, let’s count how many products are advertised in this cute little spot:

Google search
Google play
Google recommendations
Rancid’s Let’s Go album
Rocky soundtrack
Kesha’s Warrior album
Google +
Google Play web player (I had no idea this existed. So good job, advertisement. Way to do your job)
Olivia Newton John’s Physical
Salt n’ Pepa’s Push It (Side note - I am awesome at this song in Karaoke!)
Chariots of Fire
Run Fatboy Run (Ironically, this is at the top of my Netflix queue this moment)
Food, Inc
Burn After Reading
Workout Trainer app
Diet & Food Tracker app
Runtastic Pro app
Calorie Counter app
Eating Well Diet by Jean Harvey-Bering
Everyday Food: Light by Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart’s Cookies by Martha Stewart
Big, Soft Chewy Cookies by Jill Van Clever
Cookie Bake app
Simply Sensational Cookies by Nancy Baggett
Milk & Cookies by Jill Van Cleave
Cookie Dozer app
Taste of Home Cookies
The Cookie Party Cookbook by Robin Olson
Eat Cookies app
Sesame Street
Laptop
Tablet
Smartphone

Of course you can’t really call it an ad since most of the names were either cut off or on the screen for less than a second. And the last three aren’t even specific products, although you can still make them out well enough to download them.

In fact, I downloaded Cookie Dozer because it had a really good star rating and it was free. It’s not
that great though, so don’t download it unless you like boring games.

Meh

From the list of products above, you’ve probably already guessed who the mystery Googler is. My first hint should have been when he typed, “new me start today.”

I was thinking,“Well that’s weird,” but then I quickly thought about what most people post as their statuses on social networks. "New me start today," is more comprehensible than like 80% of social network posts.

My second hint should have been the book selection, but I just thought that it was just another
poor, awkward-writing, fat man that really liked cookies.

My last hint should have been the fact that it’s not the actual Rocky theme that plays but rather a cover of the theme by Sesame Street. (Or maybe it’s just Cookie Monster singing along to the real theme)

But no, I had to wait for Google to tell me it was the Cookie Monster, which was the surprise cherry on top of my Google sundae. So cute!

Surprise?

This probably makes me a bad person, but I also liked how the Cookie Monster slipped in his resolution. (Monsters - They’re just like us!)

Aside from the obvious argument that he wouldn’t be the Cookie Monster without cookies, everyone secretly likes coaxing people out of their half-hearted attempts to change themselves at the turn of the year.

And secretly, most people like having excuses to give up their resolutions. After all, I did skip the gym so I could write this.

Buick - Landing

2013-01-07T10:26:00.000-05:00

Today I'll be looking at a commercial for the 2013 Buick Enclave.

We see that the Enclave can be controlled remotely via smart phone. This allows the car to be nice and warm by the time the family enters. We're supposed to think that the Enclave is a technological marvel that makes life more convenient for its owners.

The only message that I'm getting is that the Enclave is a car for rich a-holes.

My resentment of the family begins when I realize that the entire family is flying first class. That's right, even the kids.

"You expect my children to sit in coach with the rest of the commoners? I think not! It will be first class for all of us!"

Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe the family saved up for years for this trip, and they all wanted to fly first class because it was such a special occasion. (Although if they can afford an Enclave, they probably haven't tightened the belts too much.) Or maybe the father just wanted to give his children a special treat.

Full disclosure: For my 21st birthday, my parents flew the family out to Las Vegas, and I got to sit in first class.

I was about to cut the father some slack when I noticed something: He starts controlling the Enclave while the plane is in the process of landing.

You know how they tell you to turn off your electronic devices while the plane is landing? Apparently, Johnny First Class either didn't hear that announcement or willfully ignored it.

"What? Wait until the plane lands? But if I do that, then my car will have less time to get warm. And then my family might be slightly cold once they get into the car. We certainly can't have that!

"Besides, I'm a first class passenger! Surely those 'rules' they talked about don't apply to me. They only apply to the unwashed masses in the back of the plane."

It's not like he's doing anything that might interfere with the plane's systems. He's only remotely controlling another vehicle! I don't see how that could possibly cause any problems.

"But at least my family stayed warm."

Rating - 1.5 TVs - I'm sure that it is rather convenient to able to remotely start the car. But I think it is wrong of Buick to glorify rich, inconsiderate @$$holes who value the comfort of their family over public safety and etiquette. I think the FAA might need to have a long talk with Buick.

Acura - Season of Reason: Bette Midler

2012-12-24T08:59:00.001-05:00

In Acura's Season of Reason commercial, a caroller hires Bette Midler to join his family's efforts:

The man seems shocked when Midler doesn't stick to the script.

But really, what did he expect? He hired Bette Midler! Did he expect she was just going to be a member of the chorus? Isn't that kind of a waste of her talents? If you hire Bette Midler to help out with your carolling, don't you do so with the expectation that she is going to be the star attraction?

Also, didn't he take a look at her outfit before they started? This clearly isn't a woman who wants to simply be part of the crowd.

I'm not sure why the man at the door seems so put off by Midler's carolling. He's got Bette Midler singing at his door and yet he looks disappointed? Was he really looking forward to a bunch of locals belting out an off key version of Silent Night? I'd say this is a major upgrade.

Maybe this explains why Midler was hired in the first place. People in this town evidently have insanely high standards for their Christmas carolling. It seems that if you want to impress people, you've got to pay for professional help. And even that is no guarantee of success.
Rating - 2 TVs - I'd say hiring Midler to spice up the carolling was a wise move. But he clearly went in with the wrong expectations. If he wanted a background singer, I'm sure he could have found one. Instead, he hired a star, so he should have expected a star-type performance.

Dodge - Road

2012-12-13T11:35:00.000-05:00

In the latest commercial from Dodge, they demonstrate how Ram trucks can literally move heaven and earth:

We see a Ram truck driving towards a city when - Uh oh! There seems to be an earthquake up ahead. This doesn't appear to be a minor earthquake either. This looks like a "The Big One" level quake in which a large section of the ground has completely collapsed.

I think I see what they're going for here. They want to show how well the Ram handles in even the harshest conditions. The case shown here might be a little extreme, but the point is made.

But wait! This is no random earthquake. The Ram truck is actually creating this earthquake! Somehow, the truck is causing the ground to collapse in order to shorten the distance between it and its destination.

I will admit that I was not aware that Ram trucks were capable of such things. If they truly are, I don't think Dodge has thought this all the way through.

Sure, it might technically shorten distances, but the effect on the surrounding landscape would likely be catastrophic. That city is probably going to be completely ruined by the time the truck arrives. Is it really worth it to arrive a few minutes earlier if the city is going to be destroyed when they get there?

Not to mention, is this really the type of power we want just anybody to possess? The ability to create earthquakes or destroy mountains seems like it should be in the hands of the military. It certainly doesn't seem like a feature that Johnny Truckbuyer should be able to purchase for just $22,000.

Just think what might happen if you cut off someone driving a Ram? If they're in a pissy enough mood, they could collapse the road underneath your car just out of spite. Can you imagine the type of chaos that would cause?

Rating - 1 TV - This commercial worries me. I hope that somebody at Dodge reconsiders the earthquake causing feature, or else we might have a real disaster on our hands.

XFinity - Dish Head Date Night

2012-11-16T14:06:00.004-05:00

In Comcast/Xfinity's latest commercial, they try to warn people about the dangers of being a "Dish Head."

First of all, f*** Comcast. I really can't say that enough.

The point of this commercial is supposed to be that having a satellite dish can hinder your love life.

Is that really the case? If the man had subscribed to cable, the television would have likely stayed on, and the two of them would have spent a quiet night just watching television. But since he had the dish, the weather caused the signal to go out, which prompted the woman to suggest getting down to business.

We're supposed to sense her disgust that he doesn't have Xfinity, but it certainly doesn't seem to cool her down much. She almost seems to be turned on by the fact that he doesn't have Xfinity as she tries to jump his bones just seconds later.

To sum it up: Satellite TV = Poor service = Nookie. If I didn't know better, I might think this was a commercial for satellite.

If he's having trouble with the ladies, I don't think the real problem is that he has satellite TV. I think the real problem is the fact that HE IS WEARING A GIANT SATELLITE DISH AROUND HIS NECK!

Why is he wearing it? Are they implying that customers who have satellite TV are forced to wear satellite dishes around their heads? Because I know that is blatantly false!

Regardless of the reason for the dish, I'd think the guy would be used to it by now, and might have come up with a solution for when he wanted to kiss someone.
Rating - 1 TV - Not only is Xfinity lying about the true satellite TV experience, (customers do NOT actually have to wear satellite dishes around their necks) they're also pretty much promoting their competitors by showing that poor reception makes women horny.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Baby

2012-10-17T13:22:00.001-04:00

Now that we're in the midst of football season, we've gotten a new batch of football related commercials. Here is one that struck a nerve with me from Buffalo Wild Wings:

I can appreciate this commercial from both perspectives.

Before I had kids, I was once invited over to someones house to watch an Eagles game. More accurately, my wife was invited over, and decided that she would accept on our behalf. When I learned that there would be children present, I decided to stay home and let her go without me.

When I'm watching football, here's what I like to do: Watch football, shout stuff at the screen (in the case of recent Eagles teams, this stuff usually involves profanity), and make witty comments that show everyone present that I am both funny and knowledgeable about the game of football.

Here's what happens when you watch football with a baby or small child in the room. The attention of others becomes focused on that child. If the child is crying, then we've all got to be super concerned with the child's cries. If the child is doing something cute? Then everyone has to look and watch even though it might be 4th and goal in the 4th quarter of a close game.

Now that I'm a parent, I sometimes get stuck at home watching the game with my child present. I often miss watching with friends and/or football fans, and I'm occasionally tempted to invite them over to watch with me.

But I know that would be selfish. I don't want to force my child upon their football watching. I don't want to force someone to be quiet during an important game. Even worse, I don't want my child to be woken up from her nap prematurely.

Sometimes, you just can't help yourself. There was one play in particular in which I didn't care that my daughter was napping, and she might wake up. I just had to scream loudly:

In the situation in this commercial, some of the blame has to go to the guests. You knew they had four small children! How did you think it was going to go?

But really, the majority of the blame goes to the couple with the children. When you had four kids, you basically gave up your right to invite people over to watch football. Don't drag others into your little hellish existence. Suffer in solitude.

Rating - 4 TVs - I applaud the accuracy of the commercial. Despite the lousy service at my local Buffalo Wild Wings, anything would have to be better than watching the game among four small children.

Old Navy - New Girl

2012-08-09T10:14:00.001-04:00

Old Navy has brought in some star power for their latest ads: The cast of Beverly Hills 90210!

The 90210 gang is working as school teachers, and they - along with the rest of the school - is very enamored of the new girl in class, and the fabulous Old Navy clothes that she's wearing.

There's only one small problem: The new girl isn't actually new. As one of her classmates points out, she's been going to the school since kindergarten.

What exactly is going on here? Why does nobody seem to recognize this girl? I shop at Old Navy from time to time, but I've never had people completely forget who I am just because I buy a new outfit.

I think the key to this mystery lies with the one girl who seems to be able to see through the illusion. I theorize that this entire school is some sort of "Truman Show" like setup, and the "she's not new" girl is the unknowing star.

Haven't we seen television shows replace a cast member with a new star before? Maybe this is the opposite of that, and they're taking an existing character and trying to portray her as someone new.

It's kind of like on Lost when they tried to make Paulo and Nikki part of the regular cast. Well, we didn't buy it then, and the "she's not new" girl isn't buying it now.

Want more evidence? Take a closer look at the school itself.

This is not your typical elementary school. There are slides in the stairwells, automated chalkboards, and chairs that retract at the flip of a switch. When you throw in the bizarre super-tuba that the girl is playing, this school looks like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. Unless this is supposed to be Whoville Elementary, I'd have to say that this school is a fake.

Perhaps the most conclusive piece of evidence is the teaching staff itself. They hired actors for teachers! Why else would Jason Priestly and Gabrielle Carteris be working as teachers in a school if it wasn't all part of some elaborate television show?

I will say that I got a kick out of the kid who checks out the "new girl" with a "Who's that?" He may not know who she is, but he certainly wants to find out more.

Play on, playa!

Rating - 3.5 TVs - I'm intrigued by this whole situation. How long has this girl been living in this fake world and going to this fake school? More importantly, how much are they paying the 90210 stars? These are questions that I want answered.

This normally might have only merited three stars, but the "Who's that?" kid bumped it up another half star.

The Failures of Fiat

2012-06-28T15:11:00.001-04:00

Here is another guest post by Sweaty as he takes on Fiat's American ad campaign:

Fiat is an Italian vehicle manufacturer that bought Chrysler in 2009. Perhaps they thought that buying the old, but failing car giant would jump-start an American invasion, and soon they'd have pint-sized cars driving all over the place.

I personally think the cars are too small for me to drive. It seems like most of America agrees with me since I haven't seen many of them out on the road.

But the Fiat ad machine is determined to put a rolling cubicle into the garage of the American consumer. And so they presented us with three commericals.

The first commercial came out a while ago, I believe right after Jennifer Lopez bought the Dolphins with then husband Marc Anthony. I guess she needed some more capital to finish the sale, because when Fiat came calling, she was their first “celebrity.” Maybe the star power would have worked, oh I don't know, a decade ago, when Jenny was still shaking her money maker on the block.

I don’t know if they were trying to play on some sort of everyman theme here, (Kids running after the car? Isn’t that a little Rocky-esque?) but whatever they were thinking, I don’t think it worked.

So the braintrust went back to the drawing board and came up with this ad for the Super Bowl:

Every company who buys an ad slot for the Super Bowl knows they have to bring their "A" game, since these ads are expected to be great, and will be heavily scrutinized. (Not to mention the fact that these companies spend millions on them) So Fiat decided to go the "beer ad" route, utilizing two standard techniques to attract those 18-35 men: humor and sex appeal.

To push their Italian car model, they used...an Italian model. Every red-blooded man has likely been in this position, caught checking out a hot woman while she’s bending down. Whether it’s a view from the front or the back, we can’t help it. It’s in our TNA DNA.

Except, after she slaps him, she starts seducitively teasing him while talking a foreign language he doesn’t know (or really care about). This culminates when he goes in for a smooch. And he sees that the woman is actually a car.

If this happened to me, I would never want to see that car again. It would be a constant reminder of the fact that I didn’t score with a hot Italian model, and almost kissed a car. I’d have model withdrawal flashbacks. I’d probably take bath salts to ease the pain, and be arrested by police for trying to bite some dude’s head off.

Despite the first two ads not quite working, Fiat still wanted one more shot.

It looks like they want to push the Abarth. So far Americans are not buying it, perhaps because its name sounds like slang for puking. So how does Fiat try to solve this problem? They decided to use "star" power.

So here we have “America’s bad boy” Charlie Sheen, driving around his mansion, with a bunch of women fawning over the fact he hasn’t hit any one yet. He gets out, says some stuff about being on good behavior, and HOLY S*** THERE’S THAT HOT ITALIAN MODEL AGAIN! Get out of the screen, Charlie, you’re blocking the shot.

Again, maybe this would have worked well a few years ago, but these days, most people view Charlie Sheen as the punchline of the joke, not the deliverer of it. He’s no longer on Two and a Half Men, his speaking tour was a failure, and to be honest, Sheen just looks old.

So once again, Fiat struck out.

If I were them, I might try to gear my ads to expatriates, who are used to small cramped cars from their days in their homelands. I think that trying to make a small car sexy and appeal to Americans is a bit of a fool’s errand. In five years, you’ll probably be able to get an Abarth at any ZipCar pick up.

And hey, while you're there, you might even be able to pick up Charlie Sheen too. He'll probably need the work.

Doritos - Man's Best Friend

2012-02-10T21:50:00.001-05:00

One of the more popular commercials from the Super Bowl was this offering from Doritos:

We're supposed to believe that Doritos taste so good that by using them as a bribe, the dog is able to buy the man's silence.

But I don't think that the Doritos are what's keeping the man from snitching on the dog. I think the man remains silent because he is deathly afraid of the dog.

His fear is probably well founded, as this is obviously not an ordinary dog. Not only is the dog quite large, but he seems to be able to move with great speed and stealth. Look at the way he seems to appear directly in front of the man. You wouldn't expect a dog of that size to be able to sneak up on the man like that.

And perhaps most importantly, the dog is able to write notes in English. This is far beyond the capabilities of most canines.

So we have a super-intelligent, super-fast dog with no qualms about murder. Yeah, I'd say the man has good reason to be scared of the dog. If I were him, I'd probably keep my mouth shut too.

Rating: 2.5 TVs - Doritos seems to be saying that they're the preferred snack chip of intelligent, murderous dogs and the people they threaten. But the commercial doesn't give any indication if the rest of us will enjoy them too.

Chevrolet - Happy Grad

2012-02-08T10:26:00.000-05:00

The next commercial from the Super Bowl to be reviewed is Happy Grad from Chevrolet:

At first, this appears to be just a big misunderstanding.

But upon closer inspection, I think that it was only natural for the grad to get the wrong impression. I believe that the parents, and possibly the neighbor, have conspired to intentionally deceive their son.

Look at the evidence:

If I'm blindfolded before receiving a gift, my expectations are raised. I would expect to see an expensive gift like a new car. Is a mini-fridge really a blindfold worthy gift?
Why did they give him the mini-fridge in the yard? They could have easily brought it into the house.
Why did the neighbor park his car in front of their house? He didn't have a driveway, or there weren't any spots in front of his house? Based on the neighbor's reaction, it seems possible that he was not actually in on it. That might have been the most convenient spot for him to park, and he was just an innocent pawn in the parents' scheme.
Here's the most obvious tell: When the mother brings him outside, she could have brought him directly in front of the mini-fridge. Instead, she placed him so that the first thing he saw would be the car.

It seems clear that this "mix-up" was in fact a deliberate attempt by the parents to mess with their son's mind. They may look worried as he is celebrating his "gift," but they're probably enjoying every last second of it, as they await the inevitable heartbreak that he is soon to suffer.

And while I'm sure he'll be upset at first, eventually the graduate will come to realize that he's better off with the mini-fridge.

I assume that he'll be heading off to college in the Fall. Having a car on campus, especially as a freshman, can be a real hassle. Parking is usually limited, and he'll probably grow tired of people always asking him for a ride.

On the other hand, that mini fridge will probably prove very useful for his dorm room.

And as for the girlfriend who wants to marry him just because he got a new car? Yeah, that relationship probably isn't going to last a month once he goes away to college.

Rating - 4 TVs - I can only assume that as my daughter grows up, I'll look for every chance to mess with her mind. I just hope that one day, an opportunity this great arises.

Honda - Matthew's Day Off

2012-02-06T10:54:00.001-05:00

The big game has been played, a champion has been crowned, and now there's nothing left to do but analyze the commercials!

The first one I'll take a look at is Matthew's Day Off by Honda.

I'm still peeved about these companies pre-releasing their Super Bowl ads on the internet.

I want to see these ads for the first time while watching the game. When everyone has already seen the best commercials ahead of time, it feels like much of the magic is gone.

But as for the ad itself...

Matthew Broderick's career clearly peaked with Ferris Bueller. The role was simply too iconic.

That's probably why he hasn't really been successful as an adult actor. Because no matter what the movie was, we couldn't help but see Ferris Bueller on the screen. As a result, we were disappointed by him.

Ferris wouldn't have allowed himself to be stalked by a cable guy. Ferris would have done more to stop Godzilla!

That's probably also a big reason why those movies fared poorly at the box office. Well, the fact that they sucked also might have had something to do with it.

When it comes down to it, nobody wants to see Ferris as an adult. We want to think of Ferris Bueller as an eternal teenager. We want to think that he always remained the coolest kid around, living life to its fullest and defying authority.

We certainly don't want to see him as a dumpy middle-aged man driving a CR-V, trying in vain to recapture past glory.

And here's the scariest thing about it. Ferris didn't go on to marry his high school sweetheart Sloan. No, this is what Ferris went on to marry:

Well, there goes my appetite.

Thank you for reminding us of that, Honda!
Rating: 1 TV - We should all just pretend that this never happened. Don't watch the commercial. Just go put Ferris Bueller's Day Off into the DVD player and watch that instead.

Pepsi - Bears

2012-02-05T16:31:00.004-05:00

Before the big game, I decided to do one final Retro ad. This commercial from the 2004 Super Bowl comes from Pepsi and is titled Bears.

There are obviously several major problems with the bears' plan.

First, I think they were extremely fortunate that they raided the cabin of a large, hairy man. If the cabin owner had been skinny, non-bearded, or a woman, they wouldn't have been able to use his ID.

I'm also confused why the bears chose to use subterfuge in order to purchase the Pepsi. They had no qualms about breaking into the cabin and raiding it of food. So what's stopping them from simply bursting into the convenience store and taking some Pepsi?

It is possible that they had scouted the cabin and knew that nobody was home, and they weren't going to encounter any resistance. On the other hand, there would obviously be someone working at the convenience store, and they'd have to deal with them in order to get the Pepsi.

Of course this ignores the fact that they're bears! If the clerk or his wife tried to stop them, they could simply maul them, and take all the food and Pepsi they wanted.

Maybe the bears were worried that mauling a convenience store clerk and his wife might draw unwanted attention from the law. But really, haven't they done enough already to merit some intervention by the authorities anyway?

Breaking and entering, robbery, and identity theft are all serious crimes. Perhaps not as serious as assualt or murder, but they are serious nonetheless. I think that these bears are already deep enough in trouble, that they shouldn't have restrained themselves. In fact, by leaving witnesses, they've probably gotten themselves into more trouble.
Rating: 3 TVs - Maybe I'm being too hard on them. While their plan may have some flaws, I guess it is pretty ingenious for bears.

Pontiac - Wide Track

2012-02-02T12:38:00.000-05:00

Often times, advertisers take beloved cartoon characters and use them to promote their products. It makes sense. People like the cartoon characters, so they'll have good feelings when thinking about the product.

This Pontiac commercial from the 1998 Super Bowl features the Road Runner and his arch nemesis Wile E. Coyote.

The commercial starts out in a familiar manner: The coyote is trying to catch the Road Runner. To gain an advantage, he utilizes technology from the ACME corporation. But the technology backfires, and the Road Runner gets away.

So far, this is just like the cartoons we all used to know and love.

But the next time around, something has changed! This time, Wile has wisely ordered a Pontiac Wide Track. Thanks to the Pontiac, he is able to stay in pursuit and eventually catch up to his feathered nemesis.

Wait a second...aren't we rooting against the coyote? Aren't we supposed to want the Road Runner to escape?

Why the hell did they give the featured product to the cartoon's antagonist? Is this the message they really wanted to send: It helps the bad guys win?

The commercial thankfully ends before we actually see the coyote catch the Road Runner, but it seems obvious how this is all going to eventually play out: The Road Runner is going to be the coyote's dinner.

I'm surprised that Pontiac didn't follow this up with a commercial where Bugs Bunny gets run over by Elmer Fudd's Grand Prix.
Rating: 1 TV - If there was anyone out there who had really been clamoring to see Wile E. Coyote finally win, then this commercial is for you. For the rest of the country, I think it might be a little disturbing.

Friday Night Fail: How NBC’s Crappy Cross-Promotion Blew Up in Their Face

2012-02-01T14:25:00.001-05:00

I've decided to provide you with a slight change of pace. Instead of the usual ad review, today's post will be a guest rant from longtime reader and correspondent Sweaty.

There are two things that really get me heated.

One is shameless cross promotion.

Just look at the air space during the summer blockbuster movie season. Ad time is littered with advertisers sixty-nining movie studios in order to hype each others’ products. I can’t wait to see how the brilliant Madison Avenue types make the new Transformers film somehow relevant to the next great chicken sandwich at Burger King. (Only available for a limited time!)

To quote the Chewbacca defense: It does not make sense.

The other thing I hate is shameless social media promotion.

Let me elaborate. Some people choose to “like” a product on Facebook because they genuinely like it, or because they are enticed by coupon codes or contests. For instance, I "liked" Old Bay's Facebook page because, aside from the fact that I am from Maryland and have Old Bay coursing through my veins, I enjoy using the product. They give out recipes, encourage fan feedback, etc. That is good social promotion.

On the other hand, you have the results of an action Facebook took a year or so ago. In another evolution of the social media giant, they took users' preferences, such as favorite television shows, movies, and sports teams, and made each of them into their own page. The supposed rationale was that this would allow users to connect with other like-minded "likers," which would enhance the social media experience.

Skeptics would say that the real motivation was so that these pages could be pimped out to the companies who made these products, thus giving them direct access to a consumer who, by their own admission, liked them.

If you use Facebook at all, you probably know what I’m talking about. For example, a TV show that you have "liked" will contact you, reminding you to watch next week’s episode, or offering a sneak preview.

Most of the time, this is harmless space in the ever moving wall of Facebook. However, some things make you stand up and take notice. Specifically, I was quite turned off by what I saw from the Friday Night Lights fan page.

Friday Night Lights was one of those NBC shows that had a small, but rabid fan base. Eventually, NBC relegated the show to TV obscurity/DVR prime time on Friday nights, (Get it? Because it has Friday Night in the title, they showed it on Friday nights! Someone there at 30 Rockefeller Center is patting themselves on the back for that one) and didn’t do a damn thing to promote it.

Since I had been a rabid fan of the show, I had "liked" the show's fan page on Facebook a few years ago. NBC hadn't done anything with it in a while, and I’m sure that most people forgot that they even had a fan page. I had certainly forgotten about it. That was until I saw the following post:

Have any big plans following the Super Bowl this Sunday? Now you do! Catch The Voice Season 2 premiere on NBC: (insert clip of some kid auditioning before the gal who looked better when she was the dirty teenie bopper). You can see what I mean on their Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/nbcfnl

Whoa, stop right there! We’ve got a lot of moving parts there, but right away you can start to see that A + B does not = C-Lo.

I can see it now: Someone who has a job title that includes “social media” or “digital engagement” was sitting in a brainstorming session and said, “Hey, you know how we have to drum up more promo for that show that’s a clear knockoff of Fox’s American Idol? Those people who watch Friday Night Lights like football! They’ll be watching the Super Bowl! Maybe there are some more 18-35ers on their fan page that we can whore The Voice on!”

Therein lies the problem with social media engagement. If you make it too transparent, people will smell the bulls***. Social media engagement is like guerrilla marketing in the 80’s and 90’s. If you do it well, it is effective. If you do it poorly, you alienate your potential customers.

And social media can be a double-edged sword, because your end user can respond back. Here are some responses from the page's followers:

“I'm guessing that there isn't much overlap between fans of Friday Night Lights and The Voice. Please don't do this again.”

“Well, I'm done following [Friday Night Lights] on Facebook now.”

“Don't be pimping any other shows. You cancelled FNL and I don't watch NBC at all now because of it. I am not a fan of FNL so I can get your useless junk-mail/posts or otherwise. It was a show of support for a fantastic show that some pinhead decided wasn't drawing enough fans. That's it.”

“I am no longer following or ‘a fan’ of [Friday Night Lights] because you posted this. Shameful cross-promotion.”

And there you have it. This is what happens when you reach too far on cross promotion.

If there are any “cross promotional geniuses” or “social marketing gurus” reading this, take heed: A lot of your audience isn’t as stupid as your ads would make them out to be. And when you bring in the element of social media, be prepared for your knowledgeable users to lash back.