Confessions of a Twenty-Something

creepy crawlies...

2009-09-08T21:33:00.002-04:00

I have gone through what I think will be the most traumatizing experience of this entire pregnancy (ask me how I feel again after labor).

I work with kids and a lot of the time that means germs, boogers, and ... LICE!

One of the kids came home with an announcement, "I have lice!" she screamed as she errupted into bawling heap on the floor. "Oh hunny!" I said sympathetically. Poor thing is embarassed.

and then.

"Wait. So, you've had lice for a bit now?" "Like the purple brush that I used after i brushed your hair today probably has lice in it?"

Oh shit.

I called my doctor and told them I may or may not have lice. That I used an infected brush. Can I use lice killer?

"NO! Absolutely not! Pesticides during pregnancy can cause autism or miscarriage." the nurse says.

Okay so, I have lice or I possibly have a miscarriage or a child born with autism.

double shit.

I scoured the internet for a natural cure. Everything sounded disgusting- smother it with mayonnaise or olive oil. Eww, I don't even like mayo on a sandwich I definitely don't want to sleep with it in my hair!

So olive oil then.

Still Gross.

I lay with my head in the tub with my husband pours a half bottle of extra virgin olive oil over my shaking sobbing body. So this is what a break down feel like?

I sat on the bathroom floor sobbing (harder than I have in my entire life...hormones?) for about an hour.

All I could picture was the nurses during delivery not even wanting to come near me because they could see bugs in my hair. I was convinced this would not work and I would be stuck with lice for the remainder of the pregnancy. I cried so hard I threw up. I cried so hard I got an intense headache from all the sniffles. I cried so hard I fell asleep on the bathroom floor.

Surprisingly I slept better than I have in about 7 weeks.

I woke up, washed the oil out of my hair, nit combed my hair.

It worked.

I am still traumatized. I will never cook with olive oil again. Or use a 7 year olds brush.

Pregnant Zombie

2009-09-03T18:06:00.003-04:00

If I knew that being pregnant would be this hard I would have been sterilized. I am soooo tired. Not the normal tired after a long day tired but the I haven't slept for three weeks-ran a marathon-am I dead yet tired! I want coffee. I want booze. I want ENERGY!

I am SO aware that this is going to be my life for the next 10 years so don't go rubbing it in future me's.

Time flies!!!

2009-09-01T15:58:00.003-04:00

I am already 6 weeks pregnant! I find it so hard to believe, for the most part the shock has worn off but I'm still surprised as hell when I realize in 7 1/2 months I will be a mom!

We're starting to get really excited about it! I love being pregnant, I've been so lucky to not have any horrible symptoms. I am exhausted all. the. time. but no morning sickness! However, I have been unlucky (depends who your asking I guess) in that I already have a baby bump. My doctor says some women just show early... well that sucks! I'm already in maternity clothes! I've gone from a C cup to a D! On the plus side... I have lost 5 lbs!!! The new clothes are incredibly comfy though and I don't mind trying to struggle into my jeans anymore!

Hubs and I have already picked out names, Sophia Josephine if its a girl and Breaden David if its a boy. Hubs really wants a girl and since I know he would be an amazing father for a girl I do too (as a daddy's girl myself I know how rare it is to have an amazing father figure). Though I don't really care as long as he/she is healthy! I have had a few dreams about a baby girl so we take that as a sign and call the baby Sophia.

My appointment isn't until the 23rd and my first ultrasound won't be until the 29th. I was upset that I'd have eto wait so long so I found a clinic that will give us an ultrasound earlier so I hope to have more information soon! We arn't sure about the due date but its estimated at April 28, 2010! The ultrasound will help to determine if we're correct.

Have I got some news for you..

2009-08-25T08:44:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I woke up. Everything was normal. I had a normal Twenty-Something life. I had my husband next to me in bed. I had a full day of work ahead of me. I ate breakfast, dressed, and got ready to go. I kissed my husband goodbye as he went off to work.

I drove to my sisters house to catch up and check on her since her boyfriend left for China on business on Friday.

THEN- My whole life changed.

During conversation my sister asked if I had gotten my period yet (we're really close) she knew I was supposed to get it on her daughters birthday, the 19th. I suddenly realized for the first time since the 20th that I still had not gotten my period!

"DON'T WORRY!" she screamed already running out the door, "I have a pregnancy test in my car!"

and then I vomited.

I peed on the stick. And less than 45 seconds later...

Fuck.

God Box

2009-08-20T18:57:00.006-04:00

Last night was my nieces 8th birthday. EIGHT! Eight years ago I was in the room when my sister huffed and puffed and blew that beloved perfect baby out of her vagina! I was there for every single day of her life when her and my sister lived with us for 4 years until they could afford to be out on their own. I was the one that took the very first picture of her. I was the one that would smother her with attention every second that no one was holding her. I saw her first smile, heard her first word, guided her first steps away from the glass table. When my sister finally got a place of her own in California I went with them and stayed for the summer and even missed a few weeks of school because I wasn't ready to leave them. I baby sat her for fun. I introduced her to "fashion clothes" as she called them. I memorized every single Hannah Montana song with her so we could sing along. And now. She is EIGHT! She is practically a teenager!

I remember being eight. I think I felt much older than she must feel, but I'm probably wrong and that makes me sad. When she was 2 she promised me she would never grow up, "Aunie I will stay a baby for you forever". I still tease her for "lying" to me but she says she didn't know she had no choice in the matter at the time (which is adorable). I am happy that even thought we no longer live together or even see each other as much she still thinks I am way cooler than Hannah Montana.

Which coincidentally was the theme of her birthday party. It was a fun party. She loves when I devote all of my attention to her and whenever she sees I am absent from her side I hear a faint "AUNIE!" in the distance calling for me.

My entire family was there because every. single. person. in my family feels the same way about her (which is insane really, she going to have quite a complex when she's older). She is the center of our gravity and she always brings everyone together.

My grandmother, on my fathers side, whom I never see was there and it was good to catch up. Every time I see her I think of how much I am missing out by not spending time with her. So I decided to change that and we planned lunch and a movie together today.

We went to Applebee's for lunch and saw Julie and Julia. It was a nice bonding experience and we made plans to do some shopping at Target in the near future so we could spend more time together!

She's a very wise woman, she's had a lot of hard times in her life that she has drawn from to have an incredible knack for conquering obstacles. You would never know about it listening her talk about how she worries about small things like where her sun glasses are and if she should "park over their in the shade or right here by the door" but she is the master go to woman for advice big or small.

Her AA groups have given her a spiritual side as well and she began telling me how she writes down things that worry her or "burden" her and puts them in her "God box". She says its miraculous when she goes through the God box months later to find that all of those worries have disappeared and worked themselves out.

I think this is like my God box.

Ode to a hangover

2009-08-14T13:24:00.005-04:00

Well if Tonight's gonna be a good night then tomorrows gonna be a doozy!

Boy oh boy. It was good...no great. There was drinks, music, laughter, and a band! All together a success! I was partying with my homies till the break of dawn (or like 2:30). It was a good time and I didn't have to spend the $$ I would have had to dole out at the bar for an equally good buzz.

But today.... oh today.

Today not so much a good time- more of a nauseous head aching I may be dying bad time. The memories (or lack there of) of my night helps ease the pain a little bit but mostly I feel like crawling into a coma for a few days. Or perhaps a stiff one would do the trick. If I didn't have to work.

Tonights gonna be a good good night!

2009-08-13T17:38:00.004-04:00

If you follow me, you may know that I am a 21 year old college student. You may also know that I am married and that I spend most of my days with 6 wonderful amazing kids 10 and under. I tend to act like a 40 something. I don't know what this is. My family says I've always acted a good 2 decades older than I really was since childhood.

Point is, I can be very dull when I let myself get caught up. I go from day to day in a schedule that follows identical to the day before. I pay bills. I'm a housewife. I'm mature. I'm responsible.

BUT-

Every once in a while I snap into my 21 year old brain and throw one. hell. of. a. party. My friends LOVE when this happens. When they get that invite there is usually no invite declined because they know this will be the party that will be talked about for years to come in our circles, "Remember that New Years party at your house when..."

"Which one?"

-room laughs and all collectively sigh as we remember the good times.

Well tonight. I have decided. Tonight is one of THOSE nights. A night where legends are born.

Fate decides.

2009-08-09T12:22:00.004-04:00

We think we are in total control of our lives. We think we are indestructible until fate decides to put us in our place and show us otherwise.

-Until a friends mother passes away unexpectedly from a heart attack at the age of 50.

-Until your sister has a miscarriage after she decides she wants to keep the baby.

-Until... Until...Until.

Life is precious. Time is not infinite, not for us. Enjoy it. Enjoy it all. Take time to smell the roses. Enjoy the breeze. Laugh at your kids. Kiss your husband. Smile. When the next Until comes around you can know you took advantage of the gift of every yesterday.

Babies, Babies Everywhere!

2009-08-05T17:44:00.004-04:00

It feels like every-freakin-body is having babies!

Yesterday I found out my sister is pregnant (HUGE accident) and while I'm trying to process that one I find out that my best friend is pregnant.... again (Not so huge accident but don't tell her husband). My mind was still reeling from all the news when I run into a friend from high school today and what-the-belly she's pregnant too!

Its crazy... I don't really know what I feel. I feel so happy for my sister but I don't know yet what decision she will make regarding the pregnancy yet so I don't want to get excited. I feel like my best friend should have not been trying for a baby right now because she hasn't figured out her medication situation yet (anxiety disorders... and maybe something more). I'm happy for her if she's happy but I can't help but feel bad for her husband. My opinions aside, babies are on the way and I am sure everything is going to work out the way its supposed to. Que serra serra.

Seriously, I am a bit jealous. I'm not stupid. I know hubs and I just got married and we should wait blah blah blah. I know that we don't have the finances right now to afford it. I know how hard it is to raise a child (I helped raised my niece for the first 4 years of her life). So don't leave me stupid comments telling me shit I already know. POINT IS- despite knowing all of this I can't help that it is something my heart desires. I will wait. Because its what I'm supposed to do but I wouldn't mind it if fate stepped in and it was about 7 lbs 8 oz and it was mine.

I'm jealous because its something I want and its something I know I can't have for a few more years. Its something my husband and I cannot afford to have right now and it's something that I am not even sure is capable of happening ever.

So there you have it.

My greatest fear.

2009-07-31T17:41:00.004-04:00

I just finished another book. I've been reading like mad this summer and it feels good. Since starting college I haven't read much other than text books so it feels good to reconnect with my first love. I love books. I love everything about them; the smell, the texture of the pages, the feel of the weight of it in my hands, the thrill of the anticipation when I begin a new one, the eagerness to soak up all that it has to offer. I love to be transported into another world, another life. I love to live vicariously through each characters experiences. I love getting wrapped up and emotionally invested in their struggles and adventures.

I just finished reading The Time Travelers Wife by Audrey Niffengger. It was good. It was sad. I did not love the way it ended but that's the way it ended. It was good. I found myself getting much more involved in this book than I usually do. Sure I've been known to cry, even sob while reading a book (case in point- My Sisters Keeper, The Red Tent, and even The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe to name a few). With this one I found myself utterly devastated. Like it was a fortune that revealed that my greatest fear was in fact going to transpire sometime in my future.

***Spoiler Alert***

The character in this book/now a movie goes through something that for some reason I have always feared would happen to me. Feared isn't the right word. Its more like I'm so afraid of it happening because I feel so sure that it will... must. I've been terrified since I can remember that once I did find real love, once i was so incredibly blissfully happy, once i resigned myself to put all of my happiness and all of my future happiness on one single human being that it would be ripped from me. That my husband, my rock, my comforter, my happiness, my life, my protector would die and I would be left all alone to carry on and pick up the pieces and somehow survive without him. Worse, that I would have to for a long long life.

I really can't explain it, Freud would have a field day with that for sure but nonetheless that has always been in the back of my mind haunting my happiest moments.

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Forgive me for getting so deep. I really didn't intend on putting all of that out into the universe. I guess when you start to let something like that slip out its hard to reign it in. Well, its my blog.. its my mind, its honest.

What falls down... must come back up sometime?

2009-07-27T17:34:00.005-04:00

Okay so my bad for being all melodramatic angst-y! So every once in a while my 17 year old self comes out and rears its emotional head. Yes, I do rather loathe myself as of late but, the little break down did inspire me and I now am back on track.

I went to the gym for the first time in 2 months today.

I also left the house before 12 o'clock!

I also cleaned the house.

Showered.

And grocery shopped... all before 12 o'clock!

These may seem like every day, normal things to you but for me, these are small miracles. I may or may not have undiagnosed depression or anxiety or bipolar disorder or maybe all of the above BUT I think I have taken the first step in taking the reigns back to my life and for now, that makes me feel great!

the truth behind the blog.

2009-07-26T15:47:00.003-04:00

No one hates me more than myself. I can guarantee that no matter what I've done to anyone, no one possesses more hate for me than I do. It isn't so bad as before, when I was this weight and had never known what it was like to be thin and beautiful. Maybe though, that makes it worse. I know what it is like to walk with confidence. To walk into a room and really think I was the most desirable one there. Now, I know how to do it. I just don't have it anymore.

I see pictures of myself or catch my reflection in a passing mirror and I think, "Oh, that poor girl is huge!" Than I realize that it's me. I'm that fat girl.

I did it before, I lost 40 pounds, It seemed so easy. I worked out and the weight just fell off. But I've tried and tried so hard. I'm hideous.

My husband wants to know what's wrong or how to help me but he can't. I'm all alone and it's all my fault. I hate every single one of my wedding pictures with me in it because I am such a fat ass. I just hate myself so much and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know why I just can't stop eating and start losing weight. I just know I would feel better, but for some reason I just can't do it! WHATS WRONG WITH ME! I can't get any bigger. I just can't. I am so close to just being done with everything. I'm barely hanging on. I can't stand to be disappointed in myself anymore. I can't handle that.

"Because we don't lie to babies yo!"

2009-07-18T17:23:00.013-04:00

Girls weekend went exceptionally well! My bestie was not with child so tequila night went on as scheduled. I mean she brought her child but she was not pregnant (yeah what, you never drink around your kids!)

Patron is how we roll...

My hommie and her munchkin. Yes, it's juice in her cuppie!

The next day, "Because we don't lie to babies yo!" we brought the munchkin (seen above) to the zoo. We picked our hang-overs up by the bootstraps (thank you mimosas!) and walked around in the 100*+humidity heat, pet goats, saw "Mofasa", ate zoo cafeteria food, and had a surprisingly good time!

Brave germy child!

We began comparing all animals to disney movie characters!

Ahhh, the majestic Giraffe!

Goodtimes we're had by all! Then, we went home and passed out..

Not all of us looked this cute as we slept...

When the Boys are Away the Girls Will Play!!!

2009-07-17T09:31:00.003-04:00

My husband (ya, I like to say it!) is leaving for Waterfest today for the weekend. Waterfest is a weekend long car show that my hubs and his friends go to every year. And their weekend will look something like this:

-Drive down to Joisey (New Jersey). On the 6 hour car ride his forever frat-boy friend will most definitely be drinking Twisted Teas the entire drive there! This will make Hubs very anxious and skiddish especially when they pass cop cars. Therefore he will be extremely stressed and all the more excited to get there.

-Go to the hotel, check-in, drink beers.

-Go walk around Waterfest. Get as much free merch he can carry. (That will inevitably involve getting tons of stickers he will come home and put all over the house and we will fight about it come Tuesday).

-Go back to room and drink more beers. And more. And more. And more.

-At some point eat something while downing said beers.

-At the point my light weight hubby will be wasted. He will then proceed to do something foolish/dangerous before retreating to the toilet for the night.

-This will repeat until the drive home.

While he is gone I have my best friend and her 18 month old daughter coming to stay! Our weekend will look something like this:

-As soon as she arrives we will vegg on the couch talking and laughing until we realize our stomaches are grumbling and it is time to eat!

-Go to a restaurant (for some reason we both LOVE going out to eat) proceed to talk and laugh.

-We will pick up pregnancy tests before we consider drinking the giant bottle of Patron I have (She is trying for baby #2 with her Hubs and they are expecting a yay or nay this weekend!)

-After this the rest of the weekend will go 1 or 2 ways:

1)Drink bottle of Patron in my adorable new Margarita set (Yay Bridal presents!) get hugely wasted and silly while having a much better time then I'm sure Hubs will be having!

2)Celebrate the news of a new baby and call our best friend to gush! (okay we'll put in a call to her Hubs too!)

-The next day we will (no matter what) take her adorable little girl to the Zoo as we have promised to do for months! Come hang-over or pregnancy!

Hopefully a good time will be had by all!

Updates.

2009-07-13T20:34:00.004-04:00

____ 5 Things have happened since I've last blogged ____

1- Got married. YAY ME! Good stuff. So far so good!

-It's actually awesome I'm just trying to be cool and sound all passe about it!

2- I finally read the Twilight series like the rest of the world and FELL IN LOVE!

-How amazing is Edward and Bella's love? My husbad keeps hearing, "Edward would never say that!" or "Why can't you love me like Edward?" (to which he responds, "Because I am not a VAMPIRE and do not lust after your BLOOD! " Touche!)

3- Found out my bestest friend in the entire world is MOVING! FAR AWAY! In only 2 weeks.

-Devastated.

4- Gained some weight. Shit. That always sucks!

5- I registered for a SEVENTH class for this fall!

-Why do I do this to myself? This possibly means 14 final term papers in December!

I'm sure a lot more than that has happened. It obviously was nothing memorable or post worthy.

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I vow to never leave for that long again since we now have legit WIRELESS! I shall return! Im gonna get better at this, I swear!

SAVE YOURSELF!

2009-06-08T10:40:00.003-04:00

My advise to all planning a wedding:

DON'T! Run away run far far away and ELOPE! Save yourself from all your cray relatives! If they can't handle a simple Christmas Dinner once a year don't think they can pull it together for a wedding! If they get completely loaded and embarassing its not going to change, they're still going to be embarassingly wasted! If they are horrible planners and can't even plan a random tuesday THEY can NOT pull it together to plan your bachlorette party! If they can't remember to bring they're keys with them when they get out of the car they will NOT remember to call the limo and schedule the pick up time!

Seriously... ELOPE!

You know its a rough day when...

2009-06-02T17:52:00.002-04:00

- You wake up after 13 hours of sleep more tired then you were the night before.

- You feel completely unmotivated to do anything... even to get up and go to the bathroom.

- When you finally do get ready you look in your brand new mirror and decide you look 10 pounds heavier than you did the day before.

- Even a Patron margarita at lunch doesn't take the edge off.

-You realize you just spent your day off bitching about how crappy you feel instead of taking advantage.

I'm baaaack!

2009-06-01T11:36:00.004-04:00

We moved into our new place about 2-3 months ago but we just finally got hooked up with internet so here I am! YAY! So SO much has changed. I'll do my best to fill you in:

It's now T-Minus 26 days until the wedding! Which is now fully planned and taken care of! I got the dress (literally of my dreams), the cake, the tables and tents, and its all down to the little details! Bet you were beginning to think I couldn't get it done weren't you?

Also, my Hunny Bunches has decided to join the Coast Guard and will be talking to a recruiter this week.. eeeeek! This decision has kind of taken the front seat even in the wake of our impending nuptials. The wedding is only 26 days away and now I'm faced with the possibility of being apart for 5 months while he is in Basic Training and A-Class during the first year of our marriage but this is what he wants to do so I will support him in whatever happens.

I have heard that the Coast Guard has a waiting list so I guess we'll have to see that the recruiter says. This is so hard for me because I always need a plan and I hate that I can't make one since I don't yet have all the information!

On another note, I finished with classes for the summer. I'm bummed about the grades I got this semester. I know a lot was going on and it was a bad semester but I wish it didn't reflect so badly on my GPA! I went from a 3.8 to a 3.2. Now I have to bust my butt extra hard next semester to make up for it! Maybe if Hubbs is away I will use all my alone time for studying!

Its summer and I'm getting married in 26 days so I'm going to smile and put all my worries on the back burner! I'm going to try anyway.

The Wedding

2009-03-21T13:40:00.003-04:00

is only 14 weeks away and I have changed my mind AGAIN on the location! My mom might strangle me before we can get there.

oh and PS- I just ripped my stinkin pants because my fat booty isn't shrinking fast enough (or you know, at all.)

They tell you life goes on

2009-03-12T13:16:00.002-04:00

You never believe them. How the hell can life STILL go on? But, alas, they are right. The Earth still spins, the sky stays right where it has been all your life, and time continues to pass.

This is a scare tactic that life has to keep you from letting bad things consume you. To keep you from standing still until shit goes back to the way it was before it hit the fan. Because if you did, you might get hit by a car or people would point and laugh and make fun of the person that hasn't moved in 10 years. Because if life goes on, damnit we better too.

So slowly, we go on. It doesn't happen the way we imagine. We don't just pick up right where we were and keep moving. It happens in the little things. We find ourselves doing the dishes that have been stacking up since that day. A week later, the bed is made. Another week goes by and we're back to work. And one day you look up and realize, life went on. Your whole again, a little smarter, a little wiser, and a little less scared.

So whether it be death, a break up, a divorce, the recession, or just a bad damn day keep in mind that life goes on.

The Pink Dress

2009-01-29T11:48:00.002-05:00

So my grandmother finally passed due to complications from the cancer she had pretty much everywhere. It was terribly sad but she went very peacefully and in a morphine induced coma (much better than the alternative).

Throughout the week my Auntie Gail (my grandmothers daughter in law) was doing the amazing favor of going through her things and getting rid of things so that we wouldn't have to. The morning my grandmother passed we were all present and were doing the best we could to comfort one another.

My Auntie Gail came into the kitchen tears in her eyes and walked up to my mother and I. "I have a confession to make" she says. Now, Auntie Gail just got out of rehab (family secret, yes we're sooo that family). So I automatically think, this is so not the time to tell us you had a drink!

Then she continues, "I think I threw the pink dress away!" and is now in a full on sob. I look at my mother and we start laughing. Not the laughing that is silently appropriate when your saintly grandmother has just died, the rolling loud laughter that my mother and I are notorious for.

The pink dress is what my grandmother was going to be wearing when she was buried. We always hated that damn pink dress.

All that and a bag of chips...

2009-01-20T14:13:00.002-05:00

Ya thats how I got to where I am today. I know I keep saying this but, I JUST KEEP GETTING BIGGER! But seriously, for reals this time, I'm shreddin' the pounds!

I spent about 25 minutes going through my pics on facebook from my early college years and I am super motivated to get back to my former hottness. I miss me. I can't believe I ever thought I was fat and as God as my witness when I return to my former size I will never think such blasphemous thoughts of myself ever ever again!

So this is me declaring war on the now 40 pounds between me and well... a thinner me. I know this is like the 3rd time I've devoted a blog to this silly topic but seriously guys, I'm for real this time and you all need to keep me accountable! Please. Thank you my beloved bloggers!

I've got goals, I bought a scale, and a YMCA membership... booya cellulite, i bid you adieu.

Yay I got an award!!!

2009-01-12T16:20:00.002-05:00

One of my blog peeps hooked me up with an Honesty Scrap Award! Thanks Man! I guess it's for being honest in my blog (Rocket Science). Well, that makes me feel good because most of the time I pretty much hate what I have to say here. Partially because I am honest, it's so much more fun to invent things to say, I'd probably be a lot more fun to read! But YAY, I'm honest and someone likes it! Cool.

I'm supposed to write 10 super honest things about me and then pass the honor onto 7 other blogs (I'm only doin' 6, thats all I got man)... cool.

1) I've never dealt with the death of someone i truly cared about and was close to. I don't know if you know what's going on with me but... I'm about to start dealing. My grandmother is sick and she's an angel so I'm like... dealing. It sucks. I'm one of the 3 people taking care of her on a daily basis and it's so not cool for your first experience with death to be cancer and to have to take care of it every. single. day.

2) I'm reading a book called "Authentic Happiness" even though I'm pretty sure you can't get authentic happiness from a book. It's supposed to teach you how to be happy I guess. Why? Because my fiancee and I decided my anger is taking its toll and must be dealt with. as I told Brent on his page, I'm pretty much angry inside... all the time. I don't know why. Most people do not even notice until you really really really get to know me. Now I guess you all really really really know me. It's something I'm sort of ashamed of since I'm always the girl voted best smile.

3) I'm scared of all kinds of ridiculous things. I'm constantly scared that bad things will happen. I'm constantly scared that I'm doing everything wrong and I'm constantly scared that every decision I make is the absolute worst decision of my life. Silly, I know. But terrifying.

4) I used to be a really really selfish person and it took a lot for me to change my ways. Now I'm afraid that I'm not selfish enough. I let people in too easy now and I'm always getting hurt. i want to put myself first again but I'm terrified it will just turn me back into super bitch.

5) I used to love myself when I was really really selfish and now I kind of don't. I never say this out loud because it's kind of an awful and self loathing thing to say. Now I kind of have. It's out there.

6) I hate the place I'm living in. I do. It's horrible. My fiancee and I rent. a. room. from my best friends mom. We do this because its super cheap and we're saving for a nice apartment and oh yeah a wedding. But I hate it. I would rather move back in with my mom. And it can't be helping my anger problem.

7) I've gained 40 pounds in the last year. Enough said. I joined a gym... the pounds are gonna start falling off any day now.

8) My little brother just left college... and I'm SO jealous. I know its horrible. Especially since I'm good at school. But I'm so ready to be done!

9) I still dream about my ex. I don't even like him in real life.. but he is ALWAYS in my dreams. What the fuck does that mean? I've totally never said that out loud and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE lets keep it between us... okay world wide web?

10)I have to try really really hard to be a good friend. It totally doesn't come natural and It takes a big effort to remember to call people back and to hang out when most of the time I really don't feel like it.

That was harder than it seems. So I'm going to make other people do it now. So... drum roll please... Honesty Award goes tooo...

So go check those guys out... cuz their honest yo!

The C word...

2008-12-20T19:45:00.003-05:00

No not that one... worse. The one that means life as you know it is done and gone. The one that tears people and families apart. The one that leaves all the worries you had before you hear it in the dust.

CANCER.

Today I was at my fiancees mothers house to celebrate Christmas (yes, it is 4 days before the actual Christmas). Today started like every other day, I was cranky and tried to force my fiancee to let me sleep "just a little bit longer". I got up and drank coffee just like everyother day. I put on a smile and celebrated with presant opening and laughter. Completely unaware of the news that was threatening to change my life.

My mother calls at 12:30. I let it go to voice mail, she knows I never answer the cell when I leave town. She KNOWS I never answer the cell when I leave town. Voicemail. Okay, I better check it.

"I'm following an ambulance to the hospital. We think Mimi had a mild stroke. Everything should be fine, she recognized me... so thats good."

Shit.

I call back. No answer. I'm crying now. Carl had just left the house to fun to the dump. Where is he? I need my rock! Shouldn't he be home by now.

She's going to be okay, she had a stroke before. You can't leave now, the family will fall apart. We're not ready for this!

Dad calling, thank God, information! She's getting a CT scan to look for the clot, she's conscious and can speak... good signs.

"Hun, thank god your back" (through tears of course, actually more like through wails) "Mimi had another stroke, I have to get home"

On the long drive back to Mass it all seemed to get better. She's had a stroke before and almost fully recovered in a short 9 months. She'll be fine, she's fine.

3 hours later and 10 Minutes from the Hospital...

Moms calling. Here we go.

"Hey Sam, I have some bad news. I'm only telling you this now because you need to be strong for Mimi when you get here. It's cancer."

"It's what?" I must have mis-heard because there's no way my perfect, sweet, and strong great-grandmother has cancer! (Yes, I said great. She's also 90. But, she might as well be my mother. I'm so close to her its disgusting and I love her with all of my heart.)

"CANCER! In the lungs and in the brain."

Shit.

A philosophical mind fuck.

2008-12-16T15:20:00.002-05:00

In trying NOT to procrastinate I began working on the paper that I have due tomorrow (seriously, your surprised?) and in reading some of the required research I came across a deep set of questions that are just too deep to keep to myself. I feel as if everyone should go through this list and really honestly answer these questions for yourself. It was rather eye opening for me.

What Is Your Philosophy of Life (purpose is to answer this set of q's to find out)

-Are human beings basically good or is it the essential nature of the human being evil?

-What causes certain events in the universe to happen?

-What is your relationship with the universe?

-What is your relationship to a higher being (God)?

-To what extent is your life basically free?

-How is reality determined?

-What is your basic purpose in life?

-How is knowledge determined?

-What is truth?

-What are the limits of knowledge?

-Are there certain moral or ethical values that are universal?

- How is beauty determined?

-What constitutes aesthetic value?

-Who determined what is right, just, or good?

*I challenge everyone to try to answer these question. I think you might be surprised (as I was) about what comes out of it.

The question that really got me started on this post was "What is your basic purpose in life?" I was flying through answering the question with no problem, no hesitation and I came upon this one and I'm like woah! What is my purpose in life?

Well to be honest, I would say that right now all I really want is to make it. I just want to get through life. But seriously, that's not enough! That shouldn't be my purpose! That's a horrible thing to go through my whole life doing and then its just over and I never did anything but try to get to the end!

I think it really affects the way I live. Like in the previous post, I wouldn't be such a procrastinator if I was trying to do more than just get by! I really think I'm onto something life changing here. I need a new purpose, something that I really mean and really want out of life. I need a better thing to motivate me and guide me through the rest of my time here. You know? Now I just need to figure out what that is.