Pensieve

Happiness

2019-04-07T13:34:00.000+08:00

Fearsome Thoughts

2019-04-02T21:43:00.001+08:00

For the past 3 or 4 weeks, i have been having this dry cough. I have bouts of this kind of cough in the past and i'm supposed to have a post-nasal drip something which kind of choked me so i end up coughing non-stop until it's cleared. Almost always, my face and eyes turned red and teary and i get this wheezing type of breathing. The coughing gets worse that my right side just below the ribcage becomes painful. When i took co-aleva and sinecod forte, the cough disappear only to return about 2-3 days after and i get an itchy throat that makes me want to cough all the time.

Searching about itchy throat cough on the internet, showed me all kinds of possibilities and until i end up researching long term use of Pantoprazole which supposedly is not good for the kidney and how damaged throat from GERD is a pre-cursor of cancer. This is why i should not be reading these kinds of things on the internet. On one hand it makes me aware of the risks but on the other hand, i get anxious.

Dear God, help me.

Mama

2018-09-02T05:34:00.001+08:00

It has been more than two years or 961 days since my last post to this blog.
https://youtu.be/JURk-xXDtGU

Here I Go Again..

2016-01-14T03:54:00.000+08:00

My inbox is full of emails from Pinterest. I can't quite delete it since i might miss something that i may like, like the quote above. Midlife and still hang up on quotes, pathetic you think right? Actually, i think that. I'm pretty judgemental on myself, more forgiving of the faults of others.

Anyway, I am on the brink of resigning from my day job. Yes, after several months or 2 years give or take several months I still needed the final push to resign. It's not that easy especially when it affords you financial freedom. That is mainly the tie that keeps me hanging to my current job, otherwise I am pretty much excited spending most of my days with my children, contemplating what else I am gonna do.

As for the above quote, I have found peace long ago with myself, with flaws and all and don't give much thought about what others think of me. What i do worry incessantly is what happens when i no longer have a job. Where do I get the money to help my aging parents? Etc etc.. The husband assures me not to worry about these things and just hand in my resignation. Still...

Lord help me.

P.S.

I did hand in my resignation letter. I feel much better now.

For a moment..

2015-11-10T18:22:00.001+08:00

I know i have a lot to be thankful for. I truly am. But let me be sad for just a moment. Let me wallow in this depressed state which i have tried to hide for so long. I really thought i could pull it off, you know being emotionless, having a constant poker face to keep sadness away. It is so damn hard to shoo you away, sadness. I suppose, i will just to drown you away with my tears and pray sleep will come to my rescue. Perhaps then, i can start selectively caring.

Kung #mayForever

2015-11-08T01:28:00.001+08:00

KA friend got married today and our family played a great part in the entourage. They have been civilly married since 2011 but were never under the same roof because the parent's bride more specifically the father was not so keen on the groom. The bride is of chinese descent courtesy of the father.

Anyway, sans revealing private matters suffice it to say that the bride's family has accepted the groom to their family. Since the groom's family hails from the southernmost part of the country known mainly as haven for muslim separatists and rebels, this was actually the first time that they all have met. And so perhaps, it is only natural that there would be awkwardness between both families. And yet, i see no real effort by the bride's family to act as gracious hosts here. To put it bluntly, the bride's family was snobbish to the groom's family. At best, they were just ignoring us. I consider myself part of the family since the groom has been living with us for about 5 years now. More than me being piqued at this situation, what i really wanted to see and which was clearly missing was for the bride's family to be more accomodating and hospitable. After all, a marriage between 2 person also means that the two families are now connected. At the very least, they won't be seeing the groom's family after this event because travel to Manila is just not attractive to them and is actually more of a hassle to them. So perhaps it was not too much to expect Filipino hospitality?

Consider this the ramblings of a sleepy but can't sleep mother of 4.

Split Seconds..

2015-08-17T04:18:00.001+08:00

Yesterday around 6:30pm i had a near-miss accident. I nearly hit a motorcycle riding delivery boy because he decided ti run past a red light. Thankfully, my children all four of them were alright along with 6 other passengers. Since it was a hard stop, the tendency is to be thrown forward and am really grateful the children wore seatbelts. Amir's nanny had her face hit the backrest of my seat but i think she's fine now.

I never like motorcycle riding people. Most are cocky and acts like they are invincible and disregards public safety and their own.

Fear and Darkness

2015-07-19T23:16:00.001+08:00

Had some drama this night because my eldest won't and can't go to sleep without our youngest girl by her side. Add the fact that i turned off the lights. She cried and cried and ask if she may sleep with her yaya or with nanay.

When i was her age i had also some specific fears which made my father angry because l literally won't comply with his biddings because i was so afraid of somethings.

It seems there is no rationalization for the thing that you fear. All you can really do is to fight it. The night and the darkness cast a large shadow on the things we fear which makes it all too real.

Getting angry won't do her any good, understanding her fears finally made jer lie down in her own bed. But i can still hear her sobbing. Hayyy..

Tummy Aches and Vomiting WhenYou're 5

2015-06-17T16:02:00.001+08:00

Sunday morning around 6 , i woke up to Maggie crying in pain. She also vomited in bed. After about 4 vomits later and persistent cry of pain in her stomach, i brought her to the emergency department of Makati Medical Center. She was injected with Plasil and then about 45 minutes later Benadryl for the vomiting. Around lunch time we were told to go home without any diagnostic procedures done apparently because, it won't show in the results because it would still be very early. She was prescribed with Pedialite and hydrite after, e-zinc. Sometimes, the tummy aches disappear and then comes back but what was consistent was that she would throw up even with just a sip of the hydrite or pedialite.

Since we were told to follow up with her pedia, i had her checked again monday morning with a cocolife accredited pediatrician Dr. Rita Dolendo who specializes in Neonatology. Had i insisted to have Maggie checked by Dr. Avancena, i would have to shell out for the medical expenses because she's not accredited by cocolife. Anyway, Dr. Dolendo wanted her admitted because she was weak which was probably due to dehydration. And so here she is ...,

She was visited later in the day by her 2 elder sisters and as expected it was noisy for a time.

Until it was time to go, and it was quite and she misses them. I miss not seeing Amir who still breastfeeds. Maggie is a little bit her normal self now and i pray we can go home already.

We're at it again...

2015-06-03T03:56:00.001+08:00

We are fighting cancer again. More specifically Papa's cancer is back. It's not anymore Leukemia which i think is still one more thing to be grateful. It is colo-rectal cancer. He has already been operated and is now using a colostomy bag. He is also currently undergoing cycle 1 of chemotherapy.

It is a very exhausting. Not that I am complaining. I suppose, this is me just letting out steam. God has always been gracious in that throughout our troubles, He has managed to make things a little bit easier for us to bear. He has provided us with a distant relative in the person of Dr. Tagab who manages Papa's cancer surgery and chemotherapy almost for free but for a very minimal fee. Other doctors will charge an arm and a leg for their services and i understand why they would and Dr. Tagab certainly could and yet he has helped us by lowering his fees. I would forever be thankful for that and for all friends and relatives who are helping us.

I Have A New Person to Admire

2015-01-25T05:32:00.001+08:00

And he is no other than Pope Francis!

Reading about him and his life and witnessing how he is during his visit here in the Philippines made me think about how i am in the mercy and compassion department. I have always thought of myself as generally merciful and compassionate and i look at him and realize i have to do so much more. There were moments during the meets that made me cry and perhaps that was compassion in a way but it was all up here in the head , not so much translation into action.

So i resolve to be more compassionate, less to become angry, forgiving the faults and inadequacies in others, more patience because a holy man in our time has made it his life's mission to do so. And i can only follow. It isn't easy i tell you but...

And Suddenly it Hits Me

2014-12-31T16:38:00.001+08:00

I was driving the other day (Rizal Day), towards home when i was suddenly overcome by so much gratefullness that i was born to my parents. So much so that i would have tweeted about it just to let my feelings out but opted to hold it in and pour those feelings in a blog. My parents were born poor, not poorest of the poor but still poor. However, they were able to send all three of us to school, gave us everything that we needed and as parents, i can say that they are successful in this endeavor.

Had they been lazy or had they been problematic individuals, i would probably be living a different life. I think of all those kids on the streets of Connecticut in Greenhills or those in other places in Manila selling sampaguita without slippers on and sometimes carrying a much younger sibling and i get depressed. I have no way of helping them in such a way that it will change their life for the better and the government who is in a position to help has no comprehensive plan to get women and children off the streets. And so like most, i move on and forget about them until i am reminded again the next time i see them.

So much of what I am now, i owe to my parents who diligently and tirelessly struggle to provide for me and my sisters, educated us and continually guiding us unobtrusively now that we are adults. I hope my children will feel the same way to me and to my husband when they are also adults. I pray God will help us become better parents. I also pray for more years to us and to our parents.

Our Little Prince

2014-08-14T23:22:00.001+08:00

"And we'll never be royals..." So says the song from Lorde, still i'll call the latest addition to our family a prince, our baby boy Amir.

Looking back, on the nine-month journey there were certainly struggles, painful ones at that. My previous three pregnancies saw me battling urinary and upper tract infections but this one with Amir really brought to my conciousness that one has got to be healthy when pregnant. My baby has pneumonia about 24 hours after birth. I thanked God all the time for the both of us during pregnancy and delivery and every moment of our lives. I am especially thankful for having chosen as his pediatrician, Dr. Cory Avanceña who is a pediatric pulmonologist. She was able to detect his high respiration rate and immediately ordered a chest x-ray and a host of other tests, along with transferring him to the Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit for close monitoring. I am also thankful that i have chosen Dr. Nora Figueroa-Santos as my Ob-gyn for helping me all through out the birthing process as well as the resident doctors and nurses present during my delivery.

That day, i was only supposed to have a repeat urinalysis because of a prior urinary tract infection. Having done that, i was debating whether i should go see dr. Nora since my regular check up was still the next day but my sister Ching suggested I might as well have an internal examination just to check how far along i am into my pregnancy. True enough, i was already 4 cm dilated and dr. Nora said that i should already need to have my self admitted since the baby could come out anytime now. My problem was that, i parked along Amorsolo st. which only has a 3-hours parking limit and in excess of that your car will be towed so i asked her if i could just return the car and just take a taxi back. It's a good thing that dr. Nora has the presence of mind to suggest valet parking and i should just ask the guard to prioritize me since i could give birth anytime soon which thankfully the valet services acceded to.

Before admission, i had a light lunch of half grilled cheese sandwich even though i was already told by my ob gyn that i should refrain from eating anymore if and when it's clear that i was ready to give birth. I was really hungry at that time and i thought what harm could it do right? Apparently, the reason was somewhat related to the movement of food inside the intestine or whatever and instead the food could go to where it's not wanted like the lungs. The admitting nurse explained it to me which made me even more afraid. Since i've learned of my pregnancy, i have been afraid of the anesthesia part. When i give birth to Maggie back in 2010, i was also administered an epidural anesthesia. I was really shaking, really uncontrollable chills all over my body even my head was shaking. All the time, i was thinking that it was an allergic reaction to the anesthesia. I scoured the net for information about chiills resulting from anesthesia and i was not comforted at all with my research. What calmed me eventually was surrender to God. I am already pregnant what more could i do? It's false to think that just because I am not pregnant, nothing untoward could happen to me. I got pregnant knowing i have a heart condition and that my uric acid and cholesterol levels were high. Add on top of that is the fact that i am already 42, classified by medical practitioners as belonging to the high risk category. I am not athletic, i lead a sedentary lifestyle although i walk for long distances going to and from work but it's hardly enough to be called exercise. I was not at all fit physically.

So, i decided to lift it all up to God. The Almighty must have a reason for this pregnancy, i might have been apprehensive of that during the early days of my pregnancy but seeing Amir for the first time really filled me with such joy i can't remember anymore why i was afraid. Whatever will be will be, that was my attitude after acceptance of the fact that anything could happen but i prayed to God deeply for my self and for my baby. Day to day, i find i possess calmness , strength and bravery to deal with every circumstances in my life during my pregnancy. My daughters and i continued to pray the Novena to Our Mother of Perpetual Help. In the early days, I also prayed to Our Mother and Padre Pio to intercede for me to God to grant us a baby boy. So i am saying that prayer helps in everything and every circumstances.

Back to our little prince, we named him Amir Alfred. This is him a few hours after birth. He weighed 8.5 lbs, the biggest of all my babies.

Eventhough he is still in the hospital as of this writing, and eventhough other members of the family can only view him from the other side of the window, we don't get tired ogling him even if it's only for a few hours.

And his elder sisters are also excited to be with him already, as we all are. Please God, heal Amir completely so we can take him home already. This is our prayer. Amen.

P.S.

We were able to take Amir home the rainy night of August 16th, 2014 around 10 pm. My heart is filled with so much gratefulness to The Almighty. I always find it to be always true that everything is easier

because of family, my parents' and sisters' presence were a comfort to me knowing my girls are taken cared of and me also. And even though the husband was away when i gave birth, i still find comfort in his absence knowing there is someone who will pay our bills. :))

If I Win the Lotto

2014-06-19T05:04:00.001+08:00

A girl can dream and this girl has her share of improbable dreams.

First of, i will pay all our debts. (7m)

Then, i will renovate our house to make it less energy consuming and more airy so that we won't rack up huge power bills for the upkeep.(10m)

I'll set aside trust fund for my children.(20m)

I'll also set aside a scholar fund for other children i intend to send to school. I've already identified them but not here.(10m)

I will buy a land and donate it to the church so that we will have a bigger church here in Rizal and appropriate parking. (30m)

I will give my sisters seed money to put up their businessess.(5m)

I will bring my family and my in-laws to a Pilgrimage in Rome and the Holy Land in Israel.(25m)

And i will set up my trading business, so that i won't be stuck in an 8-hours job and will have time for my children and other worthwhile pursuits.

God willing, this is what i will do.

Infanticipating...

2014-05-31T18:47:00.001+08:00

Yup...at 42 years old, moi is expecting my fourth child and he's a boy!

I'd say that i am generally grateful and happy but back when i just found out i must admit i was really apprehensive...fearful even. I'd rather not go into the details, but it's awesome to be expecting another baby. God knows my needs even when i don't say it and He listens to prayers so that calms me down and gives me peace of mind.

Let's do Sports

2014-04-27T04:14:00.001+08:00

The kids participated in the sportsfest prior to the end of the school year. And while individually they didn't win any medal, i am happy that they were very active in participating often volunteering when others are too shy to do so. I am particularly amazed at how competitive Aj is when it comes to games. Abby shows the same competitiveness but somehow loses interest when she does not win. I tell her that there will be times when she wins and at other time she will lose but it doesn't really matter. What matters most is the experience that she got from it which will teach her more about living and coping with life. I doubt that they understand what i was saying, at this time. Anyway, i think sports is one of the best things to get the kids involved with, to learn and develop confidence. On that note, here are some photos from the 3-day event which we attended without fail.

The Feared One Is No More

2014-03-30T20:35:00.001+08:00

She's resigning. The reason is that she's concentrating on her growing children. Conjectures abound, one of which is the fact that a labor union was in place when before there was none. Oh well, that is what life is all about - lessons. She'll probably be a better person for it.

Nail Art Lately

2013-11-30T21:40:00.001+08:00

My efforts at nail art. Amateur, i know. Still, i find peace and a certain level of accomplishment with it.

Problems of The Heart

2013-11-30T05:41:00.001+08:00

Back in 2006 I was diagnosed to have a mild mitral valve prolapse. I went into depression, had panic attacks. I was a regular at my cardiologist's clinic even waiting for my turn to see her at midnight. In my hometown, there were only 2 cardio practitioners so you can just imagine the patients not counting those who came from nearby provinces. So, I have a lot to be thankful for. God has helped me get out of that depression and has helped me live with my condition.

Fast forward to 2013, my latest 2d echo does not show the mvp which I really am thankful again to God but there is something else. I'll have to do diligent exercise now, refrain from pork and all those unhealthy food and habits, try to sleep more, chose fruits and vegetables. Yes, i feel that I am old. And the older i get, the more that i have been praying to God. Not the traditional going to church every sunday, but more on meditating on God's greatness, power and love.

So i still worry at times but i try to not let it consume me. Maybe my heart's anatomy is like that and perhaps the junk that my body has been taking this past year has made my heart a little bit out of health. I pray to God, it can still be reversed with a lifestyle change. I really hope to see all my children finished school, find a way to make a living for themselves, find life partners , have children of their own. All that and remain healthy and strong for myself, my husband, my children. My prayer.

Honda Bay

2013-10-19T09:47:00.001+08:00

Barge Fees for Hyundai Grand Starex

2013-08-10T14:24:00.001+08:00

Time and again, we go on roadtrips from Luzon to Mindanao and when friends know of these trips they almost always ask us how much we spent for barge fees. So, i am posting in here the fees we paid last December 2012 when we used the Hyundai Grand Starex.

We opted to go through Bicol - Samar- Surigao Nautical Highway since it is much cheaper compared with the Batangas route. It only involves 2 ferry boat rides from Matnog, Sorsogon To Allen, Samar and from San Ricardo, Southern Leyte to Surigao City.

Montenegro Lines fares is Php 2,100 for the Grand Starex. Roro Port terminal fee at Lipata Port, Surigao is Php 129.00 while terminal fee for passengers is Php 16.00 per person. Regular fare per person is Php 140.00 while children are at half-fare at Php 70.00

Things to do while at Lipata port: Driver does the ff;

1. Secures a Gate Booking Slip at PCBSI Gate Office.

2. Pays Waybill at Shipping Lines Counter

3. With SG signal, proceeds to Lane Meter area or to the weighing bridge for weighing for type 3 and type 4 roro vehicles.

4. Proceeds to the parking area.

5. Proceeds to the PPA RRTF Counter.

6. Proceeds to PICO Counter (for plant/animal products)

7. Proceeds to the Marshalling area( one hour before etd)

8. Coordinates with Marshalls / vessels representatives.

9. Proceeds to the vessel ramp.

Processing time should only take 10 minutes so beware of fixers.

Puppy Love

2013-07-24T03:20:00.001+08:00

I like dogs...from a distance. I am not the type to cuddle and pamper them. I do buy the basic accessories for them like the leash and the dog collar as well as their basic grooming kit. What i am particular about is their vaccination records.

Here in Manila, we have 3 dogs. Metal, the Pitbull ; Tom and Nom. In iligan, originally there were 6 but Wookee died and so there remains Lamont, Hyi xin, Xin xuan, Xao tung. The latest addition to them is Min ho pictured here with my youngest, Maggie.

She just loves to cuddle him.

Bonifacio Global City

2013-07-21T08:04:00.001+08:00

When you are at BGC, it feels likeit is another country.

Skyscrapers, clean streets, trees.

Beautiful sculptures, disciplined drivers.

Clearly, urban planning is the way to go and Ayala Corp. has contributed much in creating communities like BGC,

Molded , Melted Pearls

2013-07-19T05:32:00.001+08:00

I found the idea of melted or molded pearls sacrilegious. Yes, big word but i really find pearls already perfect and turning them into other unnatural forms and coloring them with dyes is just making them ugly. Until, i found these beauties when i was searching for items to put into Abby Claire's birthday lootbags:

I would like to think that the original pearl that they melted are somehow chipped or damaged. Even when pearl is melted and molded and dyed, it hasn't lost it's sheen and luster. Initially, i thought that these items are just melted plastics but the owner of the pearl shop where i got these beauties swear that these are really pearls. So i'm gonna take their word for it and just enjoy the fact that the Philippines is home to pearl accessories as beautiful as the above for as low as 80 pesos.

Homegrown Guavas

2013-07-18T03:06:00.001+08:00

My husband has the green thumb. He has planted most if not all of these beautiful fruit trees and flowering plants in our front yard. My only claim to this green ecosystem is a few plants and tending them give or take a few times. He he. My aunt also planted some seeds and stalks of the vegetable kind. These one here is Papa cleaning the car as background while my main focus is really the guava growing.

We could wish for bigger grounds so we can plant more fruit bearing trees but as it is ours is the greenest oasis you can find in our street if not our barangay.

Hope you are inspired to plant more...