In LOVE & WAR Online

8 Books That Could Save a Marriage

2011-08-22T11:42:00.000-04:00

These 8 Books Could Save Your Marriage

Iris Krasnow

What does it take to stay married to one person, under one roof, for the rest of your life?

I was so interested in that question that I wrote a book attempting to answer it. Over the course of my research, I interviewed 200 women who had been married 15 years or more -- sometimes many, many more -- about how they sustain their relationship. Though these wives came from diverse backgrounds and described themselves in varying stages of marital joy or distress, the strategies they shared for going the matrimonial distance were strikingly similar:

-Have close women friends and men friends with whom to vent (and drink).
-Have a strong sense of self beyond your marriage. Longterm bliss is possible if each partner is blissful apart from the other.

Through their raw, real reflections, the women I spoke to helped me better navigate my own 23-year-old marriage, and I'm proud of the book that emerged from my interviews with them, 'The Secret Lives Of Wives.'

But I also appreciate what good company the book joins. I am continually inspired by the works of other authors who attempt to unravel the mystery of what love really is, and how to make it last.
Here are 8 books that have changed how we talk about marriage -- and could very likely change yours for the better:

By Stephanie Coontz

Coontz exposes the 1950s happy-housewife and the bygone traditional values we revere as illusory nostalgia. With astonishing research and sharp insights, she parts the curtain on the inequities that restrained the moms of the Boomers, revealing a picture that bears very little resemblance to the Ozzie and Harriet idyll.

Takeaway: We are lucky to live in a time when the most successful marriages are those where the spouses are equals.

By Thomas Patrick Malone, M.D. and Patrick Thomas Malone, M.D.

A father and son team of therapists has written a beautiful book on how to craft intimate relationships and surrender to the vulnerability that comes with love. Using case studies, the Malones take readers through the triumphs and fears that come with opening oneself fully to another.

Takeaway: Intimacy takes hard work and artful attention to achieve.

By Diane Ackerman

What does it mean to love? We come to understand the answer to this elusive question as Ackerman walks us through history, starting in ancient times. Though she writes that "love is the great intangible" we realize that the heart of love, from "wolflike" passion to "the thick tangle of feelings" that it inevitably involves, is unchanged through the ages.

Takeaway: To know true love is what every human lives for.

By Erich Fromm

The best part of this iconic book is that it stresses the importance to know-ing oneself in order to create an enduring love partnership. As Fromm writes, "If a person has not reached the level where he has a sense of identity ... he tends to idolize the loved person. In this process he loses himself in the loved one instead of finding himself."

Takeaway: Mastering the art of loving requires that you first love yourself.

By Helen Fisher

Fisher, an anthropologist, answers centuries-old questions like why we love, why we stay and why we stray from a view that is biological, cultural and bracing. We learn that the infatuation stage of love, which we hope will last forever, is chemically impossible to sustain, and that the attachment stage that follows may not be as sexy, but that it's the real thing.

Takeaway: Hot passion comes and goes; comfortable love lasts.

By Erica Jong

I was twenty when Erica Jong's steamer was flying through our college dorm, transfixing us with her erotic and breathtaking "zipless" adventures. The women's movement was surging, and so were our hormones as Jong wrote of being "possessed" by free love, taking many of us along with her on her wild ride.

Takeaway: Remembering the confusion and heartbreak of the zipless revolution will make you newly appreciative of your trustworthy, aging marriage.

By Dr. Connell Cowan and Gail Parent

This book enlarges Chinese philosopher Sun Tzu's wisdom on mastering the art of war to mastering the art of winning at love. The authors give readers spiritual ammunition to achieve victory, not through brute force, but with intelligence and emotional fortitude.

Takeaway: Love, like war, takes patience, stealth and tenacity.

Edited by Richard Whelan

This distillation of sixteen of Emerson's principal essays on the power of individualism show us what it takes not only to succeed in relationships, but also to succeed in life. On every page, Emerson, who wrote these pieces in the mid 1800s, reminds us of the timeless importance of humility, integrity and most of all self-reliance.

Takeaway: Be true to yourself, and the relationships you form will be true to you.

Tips to Avoid Trouble in a Divorce

2011-08-15T10:59:00.000-04:00

Tips to Avoid Trouble in a DivorceBy Diana Mercer

So here's the inside scoop. I've been a divorce attorney for 23 years and as a result, every single one of my friends (both actual friends, and Facebook friends) ask me for my advice when they're facing a divorce.

When I have friends who are getting divorced, and they ask me for advice, here's what I tell them. The real deal, the confidential, back-channel skinny. Beyond legal advice, which they can get anywhere.

These are my top tips for staying out of trouble:

Ignore Legal Smack Talk from Your Spouse: I love that spouses try and give each other legal advice. Really? Since when did your spouse go to law school and become a divorce lawyer? And you're listening? Heck, even if they're dishing out good advice, it pays to double check.

Question "My Friend Said": If your spouse talks about friends' divorces or what the lawyer plans on doing to you legally, ask:

• How many years did that friend's divorce take?
• How much did it cost?
• How much did your lawyer say that taking me to the cleaners would cost in legal fees?
• Is your lawyer willing to put it in writing that they guaranteed that their result will be better than what I'm prepared to offer voluntarily?

You're safe with that last one---no lawyer would guarantee anything or put fees in writing so this will force your spouse to have an honest discussion with the lawyer about the pros and cons of pursuing any given action.

Watch Out For Non-Monetary Games: Keep an eye out for your spouse manipulating the kids. Make sure your bond with them remains strong. Don't bad-mouth your spouse---your kids will figure that out later and hate you, so keep the long term in mind.

Your spouse may think he or she is plotting and being strategic like some sort of Divorce 007. But at the end of the day, it's a business deal and a parenting plan. It is what it is. So don't let your imagination run away with you.

You can keep costs (and suspicion, and plotting) down by:

1. Being organized. Make a notebook with labeled dividers with all of the financial records (recent ones, at least) and tax returns (as many as you have copies of), a comparative market analysis (free from any realtor) of the value of your house, your most recent pay stub...and ideally you'll make your spouse a notebook, too.

I know that might sound crazy (making your adversary a notebook) but your spouse's attorney will charge for making a notebook and getting the records together (which could run up the bill by several thousand dollars) so if you can take the wind out of those sails from the get go (your spouse is entitled to all that info pursuant to law anyway) and all of the mystery out of your financial situation, you're ahead of the game.

Don't get paralyzed by your emotions. It's easy to sit down with a hole punch and a notebook and put stuff in by date. You don't need all your faculties to do that, so it's a good activity for when you're feeling lost.

2. Staying Sane. Make appointments with your therapist, make time for your kids (and don't talk about your spouse), play golf or ride bikes (ideally with your kids), make time with friends. Take care of yourself. Eat right and work out.

3. Don't taking the bait: Your spouse will say stuff to you just to get you riled up. Ignore it. "Obviously, this is a hot topic for both of us, so I'm not going to respond at this point. I do hope we can work all of this out, though, at some point." Then change the subject. Say that as many times as you have to.

Eventually, your spouse will get bored when it's clear you aren't going to fight back. This will freak your spouse out a little, particularly at first, so feel free to chuckle. When you start to behave differently than you have over the last eleventy-million years they're going to wonder what's up and watching that might be a little amusing as the old tricks don't work on you anymore.

4. Find that Special Someone--Quietly: If you decide you want to date or get laid, don't let anyone find out about it. Not under any circumstances. Your spouse will go bananas if you're with someone else, so avoid that at all costs. It doesn't matter if it's your spouse who suggested the divorce or found a new lover first. They still go nuts when they see you've moved on, too. I'm not saying don't do it. I'm saying don't let anyone find out.

Diana Mercer is the co-author of Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life (Perigee 2010). Join the conversation and community on our video blog and check out Diana's divorce blog on the Huffington Post

Factor to Consider During a Split: Education Pays
By Natalie Pace

Include this life line in your divorce settlement.

On June 29-30, 2011, President Bill Clinton brought together over 750 CEOs, NGOs, Nobel Prize winners and young entrepreneurs to figure out how to put America back to work. Why? There are three million jobs that are unfilled today. Filling those existing positions would go a long way to putting America back to work. So what's the hold-up? The biggest reason for so many unfilled jobs is that too many unemployed Americans lack the skills and education needed to fill the available positions. Which is why setting up a college fund (not just the "promise to save" but an actual fund) for the kids is gold in your divorce settlement--as much as custody and alimony.

Today, Americans without an education are seven times more likely to be without a job. There is 15% unemployment among Americans without a high school diploma. Meanwhile, almost everyone with a doctorate is working -- with only 1.9% unemployment among PhDs. As you can see in the graph below, education pays in dollars, too. PhDs earn almost four times as much as someone without a high school diploma.

While not all jobs require a degree, new jobs quite often require acquiring new skills. Of the 3 million jobs that remain unfilled at this time, lower-skilled work, like construction and manufacturing, remain the weakest areas of the American labor market.

There are some initiatives that are helping to solve the skills and education gap. Georgia Works allows employers to recruit, train and then hire staff. As Michael L. Thurman, Georgia's former labor commissioner, explains, with this initiative, the employer gets to "audition" the employee. The Bay Area Medical Academy takes welfare recipients and others on the fringe of society and teaches them to become medical assistants in the San Francisco area. The Green City Force trains and hires young workers to paint rooftops white in New York City. This simple strategy reduces the temperature on the roof by up to 40 degrees and can cut the energy bill in the building by up to 18%. However, far too many of the uneducated labor force in the U.S. are slipping into unemployable status.

The Honor System
I've spoken to many divorcees who had divorce settlements that mandated money aside for college, only to discover when it came time to pay tuition that no funds had actually been saved. Or the college fund had been drained to pay other bills. It's difficult, expensive, time-consuming and simply too late to try and go back to court for a judgment in time to keep your kid in college. (College admission is very competitive these days.) That is why setting up a 529 college fund that both parents are able to monitor annually (at minimum) is a safeguard against this disaster. But which brokerage and which fund are best?

529 College Savings Plans
529 College Savings Plans vary dramatically, so much so that FINRA.org, the Financial Industry Regulatory Authority, has issued an Investor Alert, warning Americans that "investors may be shortchanging themselves by investing in 529 college savings plans with high fees [and] plans that currently do not offer them state tax benefits." The FINRA.org Investor Alert offers "8 easy lessons that, if followed, will help you make smart college savings plan choices."

Once you set up the right fund, the great news is that if the winds of Wall Street fall in your favor, over time, your monthly investment and gains can compound - providing your college student with far more for that Ivy League (or Junior College League) education than you could have ever saved.

Careers of the Future
Creating the college ethos (in both homes) is just as important as setting up the funds. So be sure that both you and your ex are reinforcing the value of STEM (science, technology, engineering and math) to your tweens. STEM underlies almost every job today. Even car mechanics are working on computers.

Biotechnology, technology, smart phones, cloud computing, health services and engineering companies are hiring at a rapid pace, and some of these professions - especially in computer technology -- have more jobs than applicants. But other emerging industries are on the horizon as well. If Secretary of Energy Dr. Steven Chu and President Obama have their way, clean energy will become a major driver of American industry going forward. And not just to reduce global warming. This focus on clean energy is intended to put the U.S. in the forefront of one of the strongest new global growth industries.

According to Secretary Chu, "The world will demand clean energy and high energy products. This is an international competition. We still generate the best ideas in the world." Currently, clean energy companies in the U.S., like Applied Materials, KLA Tencor and Veeco Instruments, are leading Wall Street in revenue growth, having more than doubled sales over the past two years, with 80% of the revenue coming from Asia.

As President Clinton pointed out at the CGI America Conference, "We're spending too much money on today and yesterday and not enough on tomorrow." When that is the case in a divorce, it could end up costing you a ton of extra money and sleepless nights down the road. You don't want to end up with an unemployed 26-year old sleeping on your couch.

About Natalie Pace:
Natalie Pace is the author of You Vs. Wall Street and the founder and CEO of the Women's Investment Network, LLC. She is a blogger on HuffingtonPost.com and a repeat guest on national television and radio shows such as Good Morning America, Fox News, CNBC, ABC-TV, Forbes.com, NPR and more. As a philanthropist, she has helped to raise more than two million for Los Angeles public schools and financial literacy. Follow her on Facebook.com/NWPace. For more information please visit NataliePace.com.

The Ice Break Gamifies Romantic Relationships

2011-08-10T12:50:00.000-04:00

The Ice Break Gamifies Romantic Relationships
By Liz Gannes

The Web is rife with dating sites, and in fact a team of early YouTubers was planning to add another one to the mix — they called it Pickv. But late last year the team seized on a different project: What comes after dating sites.
And so today they are launching TheIceBreak as a personal improvement site called for couples — think of it as the equivalent of Mint or RunKeeper for relationships. (And you can use it even if you didn’t meet your partner on a dating site.)

The IceBreak co-founders Christina Brodbeck and Dwipal Desai have read up on theories of relationships and enlisted the help of a couples therapist to design their service.

Here’s how it works: TheIceBreak asks one or both members of a couple to answer a daily icebreaker question about their partner or relationship, as well as capture a moment, like a photo of a smile. Once a week the service pings users to answer a survey about their relationship to be compiled into a stats report about how things are going and how they compare to other couples.

Participation on TheIceBreak is entirely private and/or anonymous, which could inhibit its growth, though the site does include hooks for users to share their relationship moments and accomplishments to Facebook and Twitter.

Brodbeck and Desai, who were a very early designer and engineer at YouTube, respectively, have funded TheIceBreak themselves and work out of the Founders Den in San Francisco. They’re letting anyone who signs up into their beta trial now and said they plan to launch mobile apps in the next few weeks.

The Shocking Truth for 30% of Divorced Women

2011-08-09T13:07:00.000-04:00

The Shocking Truth for 30% of Divorced Women

It was the day she had dreamed about. Standing barefoot at sunset, "Joni" (a former client of mine whose name I have changed) stood looking at the man she was about to marry. She planned the perfect wedding--a fairytale. There was one hitch--as she looked into her future husband's eyes, she had a pretty good idea that the marriage would not last.

Joni's story was not unique. After years of working with women like her I was curious about why so many women stayed in relationships that were essentially doomed from the start. As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, I have spent more than 15 years working with women seeking guidance for relationship issues. The initial call usually involves a request to help with "communication skills" or "conflict management." More often than not, as therapy progresses, they reveal that the problems started long before they walked down the aisle. And if they're not married, they'll admit that they already know he's is not the right guy for them--yet they stay.

When I had a serendipitous meeting with a former runaway bride, we decided to write a book about this phenomenon. My coauthor's story of her near-miss at the altar along with my clinical experience turned into a mission to find out why so many women walk down the aisle knowing they are making a mistake! We thought if we could help women recognize the excuses for dating--and ultimately marrying--the wrong guys, maybe we could help them find the courage to get out before it was too late.

We developed a survey and sent it to divorced women, with one qualifier: "Did you know you were making a mistake as you were walking down the aisle?"

We sent it to everyone we knew. Within days our inboxes were jammed. Eventually, close to 1000 women gave detailed accounts about why they knowingly dated and eventually married the wrong guys.

Amid a chorus of critics who shout "hindsight bias" or "selective memory," I stand firm. If you take 10 divorced women and ask them whether they believed on their wedding day that they were marrying the right guy for the right reasons, seven of them would say yes and three will confess they had serious doubts long before walking down the aisle. That's the shocking truth for 30% of divorced women.

These women have very clear, distinct memories of the doubts, issues and concerns that existed in the relationship all along. They can also tell you exactly what they were feeling before they walked down the aisle. For example:

I was avoiding my dad's eyes as I waited with him at the end of the aisle. I did not want to hear any "pearls of wisdom." Instead I paid attention to the photographer. I simply could not look at my dad because I knew I was making a mistake.

I felt like I was dying a thousand deaths. I just wanted to get the whole thing over with.

By the time they made it to the ceremony, they felt it was too late to turn back. While their insides told them to run, their outsides marched down the aisle. They saw problems and ignored them. However, every single one of them put the blame for ignoring the problems and issues squarely on their own shoulders. The problem is not that their fiancé was a bad guy-the problem was that they ignored the problems!

Why would smart women do this? They cited many of the same reasons:

• Age: The self-imposed biological clock is starting to tick a little louder.
• "Marriage will instantly make the relationship better."
• "It's my last chance to get married and no one else will come along."
• "If it doesn't work out I can always get a divorce."

You can be critical, point your finger and shake your head. Judgment aside, "these women" are your sisters, daughters, and friends. Maybe even you. Their common --yet misguided--belief is that they are better off with the wrong guy than being alone. It doesn't matter how self-actualized, independent or liberal-minded they are.

So what's the answer? When in doubt, don't! Don't let fears of being alone dictate a night out with someone you have nothing in common with. Don't continue to date a man with whom you have zero chemistry. Chemistry matters. Don't say "I do" because you have "invested too much time in the relationship" or it's "the next logical step." And absolutely don't think that divorce can be used as an escape route without consequence. Divorce is not easy even when you are the one serving the papers. It's expensive, painful and it affects everyone around you.

Just ask Joni. She saw the red flags and she ignored them. Her gut told her something was wrong but she tuned it out. She found out the hard way that being alone would have been a lot easier than marrying the wrong guy--especially as she starts the painful task of navigating a divorce. The moral of the story is pay attention to those red flags and gut feelings. If you do, you are guaranteed to have happier, healthier relationships. What a difference this would make in the divorce rate. As a therapist, I'd be thrilled.

Relationships and real estate

2011-08-08T10:18:00.001-04:00

Relationships and real estate
BY HELEN MORRIS

The relationships we choose can have ramifications for our home ownership.

"If you are living as a couple but because of circumstance only one of you pays the mortgage, the rules are all over the map as to whether you have the same rights as a married couple upon separation," says Christine van Cauwenberghe, an estate planning specialist with Investors Group in Winnipeg.

Regardless of who pays the mortgage, it is important to get legal advice on how to set up the ownership or title of your home.

"We tell clients entering into common-law relationships to enter into some sort of cohabitation agreement... as to how the assets are going to be shared," Ms. Cauwenberghe says.

"Generally, title to the property is what determines who is the owner, not who pays," says Ray Leclair, real estate lawyer and vice-president of Title Plus at Law Pro in Toronto.

"It is very dependent upon the individual facts," he adds. That is true whether you are married or in a common-law relationship, and no matter how property ownership is set up.

"When you buy a property... you can put it as joint tenants or tenants in common," Mr. Leclair says. "Joint tenancy is the common way for married couples who will be taking title. They are equal owners of the property and the survivor is automatically the owner."

If the title is registered as tenants in common, unless otherwise stated, a couple is presumed to have an equal share of the property, Mr Leclair says. However, he cautions, there have been successful claims on property based upon constructive trust and unjust enrichment.

"The constructive trust [case] was where the common-law spouse... was in a relationship for 25 years. They split up. He was the [sole] title owner. She didn't accept that, so she went to court and established that she had a constructive trust that he held the property in trust for both of them," Mr. Leclair says. "The unjust enrichment [case] is where two people get together, one owns but the other puts a lot of money into renovations. It would be unjust to let [only the title owner profit from the proceeds of the sale of the home]."

Mr. Leclair says marriage affects the status of the home.

"Married spouses have equal right to possession," Mr. Leclair says. "There's a restriction upon the title 'spouse'... transferring, mortgaging, doing anything with the property without the written consent of the other spouse."

Ms. Cauwenberghe says cohabitation agreements can be useful for dividing property up to a point.

"In the courts once you've entered into a 'family joint venture'... raising children together, one person is moving so the other person can take a job... we're going to get closer to the 50-50 division no matter who is making the payments," Ms. Cauwenberghe says. "You're making decisions as a couple."

Early sex linked to divorce

2011-08-05T09:57:00.000-04:00

Early sex linked to divorce
By: Ani

A study, examining the link between teen sex and divorce rate, has found that women who started having sex in their teens are more likely to divorce.

The University of Iowa analysis found that 31 percent of women who had sex for the first time as teens divorced within five years, and 47 percent divorced within 10 years.

The divorce rate for women who delayed sex until adulthood was far lower: 15 percent at five years, and 27 percent at 10 years.

Author Anthony Paik, associate professor of sociology in the UI College of Liberal Arts and Sciences, examined the responses of 3,793 ever-married women to the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth.

"The results are consistent with the argument that there are down sides to adolescent sexuality, including the increased likelihood of divorce," Paik said.

"But there's also support for the 'more sex positive' view, because if a teen delays sex to late adolescence and it is wanted, that choice in itself doesn't necessarily lead to increased risk of divorce," he stated.

Paik said there are a couple of potential explanations for the link between teen sex and divorce.

"One possibility is a selection explanation, that the women who had sex as adolescents were predisposed to divorce. The attitudes that made them feel OK about having sex as teens may have also influenced the outcome of their marriage," Paik explained.

"The other possibility is a causal explanation -- that the early sexual experience led to the development of behaviours or beliefs that promote divorce," he said.

In a statistical analysis, he found more evidence for the latter, suggesting that the sexual experiences as a teen affected the marriage. The results related to unwanted sex supported his hunch.

Nevertheless, he cautions that it is too early to rule out the selection explanation.

"If the sex was not completely wanted or occurred in a traumatic context, it's easy to imagine how that could have a negative impact on how women might feel about relationships, or on relationship skills," Paik said.

"The experience could point people on a path toward less stable relationships," he stated.

The findings have been published in the April issue of the Journal of Marriage and Family.

Sexting cannot replace real relationships

2011-08-04T13:26:00.000-04:00

Sexting cannot replace real relationships
The way people get involved in and develop sexual relationships with others has changed dramatically over the last 20 years due to the increased availability of devices such as computers, video cams and cell phones.
By: ANI

But at the end of the day there is no substitute for physical, face-to-face contact in our sexual relationships, according to a new study.

Diane Kholos Wysocki from the University of Nebraska at Kearney, and Cheryl Childers from Washburn University in Topeka, Kansas, investigated the behaviors of infidelity on the Internet and sexting - sending sexually explicit text messages and photographs via email or cell phone.

Sexting is a fairly new phenomenon, where adults send their nude photographs and sexually explicit text messages to another adult to turn them on and increase the likelihood of a sexual relationship.

At the same time, the Internet has made the act of infidelity much easier.

In order to explore both sexting and infidelity and understand how people use the internet to find sexual partners, Wysocki and Childers placed a survey on a website aimed at married people looking for sexual partners outside their marriage (AshleyMadison.com).

A total of 5,187 adults answered questions about Internet use, sexual behaviors, and feelings about sexual behaviors on the Internet.

In particular, Wysocki and Childers found that respondents were more interested in finding real-life partners, both for dating and for sexual encounters, than online-only partners.

"While social networking sites are increasingly being used for social contact, people continue to be more interested in real-life partners, rather than online partners. It seems that, at some point in a relationship, we need the physical, face-to-face contact. Part of the reason for this may be that, ultimately, humans are social creatures," the researchers concluded.

Their findings were published online in Springer's journal, Sexuality and Culture.

Teaching Kids How to Break Up Nicely

2011-08-03T11:04:00.000-04:00

Teaching Kids How to Break Up Nicely

Late last month, 200 teenagers from Boston-area schools gathered to discuss the minutia of Facebook breakup etiquette. Should you delete pictures of your ex after splitting up? Is it O.K. to unfriend your last girlfriend if you can’t stop looking at her profile? And is it ever ethically defensible to change your relationship status to single without first notifying the person whose heart you’re crushing?

These pressing adolescent questions were part of a one-day conference on “healthy breakups” sponsored by theBoston Public Health Commission. “No one talks to young people about this aspect of relationships,” Nicole Daley, one of the conference organizers, told me between breakout sessions as teenagers swarmed a nearby cotton-candy stand. “We’re here to change that.”

Minutes later, 15 high-school students on a sugar high convened for a session on “creating online boundaries.” The girls outnumbered the boys, and they didn’t hesitate to gang up on a charming — and, until then, immensely well liked — 17-year-old named Roberto, who proclaimed with a bit too much gusto that “racing to update your relationship status after a breakup” is a healthy behavior. That was just one of a handful of scenarios the teenagers debated and placed into “healthy” or “unhealthy” categories: others included “posting mean/embarrassing statuses about your ex” (unhealthy) and “rushing into a new ‘Facebook official’ relationship” (understandable, but still not healthy).

“Roberto, you’re really going to run all the way to your house after school to change your status?” a 16-year-old named Lazangie asked, shaking her head. She knows a thing or two about Facebook-related breakups: her last relationship ended, she said, because her ex-boyfriend couldn’t handle her male friends posting niceties on her wall.

“When I’m done with a relationship, I’m not going to wait a day, an hour or even 10 minutes to update my status,” Roberto told the group. “When it’s over, it’s over. I’m done with you.”

“The key word here is ‘racing,’ ” another girl replied with all the condescension she could muster. “Is that really healthy? Breaking up shouldn’t be a competition!”

The group’s adult facilitator — who wore a blue “Face It, Don’t Facebook It” pin, in a reference to the apparently troubling trend of young people breaking up with one another via social media — nodded in agreement and suggested that Roberto consider taking a “technology timeout” the next time he felt compelled to race home and publicly declare his singlehood. Roberto reluctantly agreed to consider it.

Throughout the one-day meeting, organizers did their best to make the teenagers forget they were about to learn something. They were encouraged to freely use their cellphones (“We’re not” — the kind of adults — “who tell you not to use them!” an organizer boasted during the day’s opening session), and breakup-themed songs, like Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone,” blasted from the main conference room’s speakers. The pandering worked: I saw only one teen roll her eyes all day.

To help the youngsters envision what a healthy split might look like, pictures and videos of several celebrity couples who managed amicable breakups were projected onto a big screen. Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz, for example, were heralded as healthy because “they’re still friends and were able to co-star in a movie together.” Their parting was juxtaposed with those of Kanye West and Amber Rose (West wrote a mean song about her) and Sammi and Ronnie from “Jersey Shore” (Sammi supposedly defriended Ronnie’s friends on her Facebook page), who each exhibited the kind of “unhealthy” breakup behavior that the Boston Health Commission hopes Massachusetts young people will rise above.

In that pursuit, organizers encouraged the crowd to eschew parting ways over text message or Facebook, the most common teen breakup methods. (A bisexual 15-year-old confessed in a morning session that she learned that her girlfriend of two years had dumped her only when she changed her relationship status to single.) Attendees were advised — with mixed results — to bravely confront the awkwardness of face-to-face breakups. When the facilitator in a session titled “Breakups 101” suggested that teenagers meet with “and come to an agreement or mutual understanding” with a soon-to-be ex, a skeptical 19-year-old nearly leapt out of her chair in protest. “So, you’re telling me that you’re crying at night, you’re not sleeping, you’re eating all this food to make you feel better, and you’re supposed to just come to an agreement?”

That sounded like wishful thinking to at least one teenager, who insisted that dating in high school is for suckers. “Who needs the drama?” she said, adding that many peers choose friendships or casual sexual relationships over formal romantic ones. “I’ve got enough problems without some stupid boy breaking up with me on Facebook.”

Clothes make the man

2011-08-03T10:59:00.000-04:00

Clothes make the man

By ADAM TSCHORN

Los Angeles Times

HOW TO WEAR IT WELL

You may not have your own version of Ryan Gosling's Jacob Palmer character waiting in the wings to make you (or your fashion-challenged mate) over the way he did Steve Carell's Cal Weaver in "Crazy, Stupid, Love." But the movie's costume designer, Dayna Pink - who not coincidentally dresses Carell for red carpets and events - has advice on fighting fashion faux pas.

Fit is foremost

"The No. 1 problem most guys have is fit," Pink says. "In general, when a guy buys off the rack, he doesn't take time to get his pants hemmed - or if he's got big shoulders and a small waist he doesn't get the jacket tailored. They're just not aware of it. ... If you go shopping, take the extra time to make sure you get something that fits you. That means you may have to get a tailor."

Lead with the shoulder

And when it comes to fit, she explains, "The shoulder is everything - in shirts and in suits. If the shoulder is too big, then the suit's too big, period. The rest can be tailored, but the shoulder can't. So it's always a good idea to dress a man from the shoulders."

Simplicity is key

"You don't have to look like you're trying so hard," Pink advises. "Just because you see it in a men's magazine doesn't mean it's going to work on you - not everybody should be in a skinny-cut jeans, for example. This is especially true if you're not an uber-fashion guy."

Choose the right shoes

Although uniting running shoes with a pair of khakis and a polo has become universally accepted silver-screen shorthand to indicate the "fashion-challenged male," Pink is quick to point out that sneakers aren't necessarily off limits. "There are some that might work - like Converse hightops or these suede Pumas that are out right now," she says. "They'd be perfect with a pair of jeans or khakis."

Accessories after the fact

"All the little things make a difference," Pink says. "Yes, the shoes but if you're wearing a ring, if your belt's nice, your bag - what you carry is as important as what you wear." Pink points out that knowing when to forgo the accessories is equally important, and points to the final scene of "Crazy, Stupid, Love," in which Carell's character gives a touching speech wearing a simple white dress shirt and a gray Ermenegildo Zegna blazer, sans necktie. "When we were doing his fitting I was thinking about going with an Etro tie," she explains. "And Steve was the one who suggested we get rid of the tie. It was like a light bulb went off, and it fits where his character has gone by the end of the movie."

“Stayover” Relationships Preferred Over Long-Term Commitments

2011-08-02T08:33:00.000-04:00

“Stayover” Relationships Preferred Over Long-Term Commitments

by Drucilla Dyess

The new dating trend for young American couples clearly shows a preference for short-term commitment versus long-term. Engaging in a “stayover” relationship not only provides an easy out if the relationship deteriorates, but also allows each partner freedom from the entanglements of living together or getting married. These are the findings of a new study from the University of Missouri-Columbia that was recently published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

A stayover relationship is one in which dating couples spend three or more nights weekly together, while opting to spend the remaining nights of the week in their own homes.

In a news release, study author Tyler Jamison, a doctoral candidate in the human development and family studies department at the University of Missouri, said, “Instead of following a clear path from courtship to marriage, individuals are choosing to engage in romantic ties on their own terms without the guidance of social norms.” She then added, “There is a gap between the teen years and adulthood during which we don’t know much about the dating behaviors of young adults. Stayovers are the unique answer to what emerging adults are doing in their relationships.”

Recent U.S. census data indicates that people are getting married later. The findings of the new study help to provide at least part of the explanation for this. Many young people are opting for completing their education and getting established in their careers prior to tying the knot and starting a family.

Jamison and study co-author Lawrence Ganong interviewed a number of college-aged adults who were engaged in committed, exclusive relationships, and uncovered several reasons for the growing stayover trend. Findings of their analysis showed that comfort and convenience appear to be the main advantages of stayover relationships, as they allow both partners to maintain some degree of control over the pace of their relationship as well as over their personal possessions.

Jamison explained, “As soon as couples live together, it becomes more difficult to break up. At that point, they have probably signed a lease, bought a couch and acquired a dog, making it harder to disentangle their lives should they break up. Staying over doesn’t present those entanglements.”

The study findings also indicated that among those in stayover relationships, couples did not have any definitive plans to either live together or to get married. Jamison pointed out, “Many college-aged adults are students who will soon be facing a transition point in their lives. Most students do not have a definite plan for where they will live or work after graduation, and stayovers are a way for couples to have comfort and convenience without the commitment of living together or having long-term plans.”

The stayover couples are not truly in a different form of relationship, but that it’s simply something that they do while dating. Jamison said that none of the couples saw themselves as cohabiters no matter how many nights weekly they spent together. She commented, “It is interesting how separate they felt about their living arrangements to the point where they would act like a guest in the other person’s place.”

Conclusions of the report include the fact that stayover relationships are something that couples can do that has a lot of benefits without having to face a lot of consequences. There doesn’t seem to be any long-term consequences of engaging in stayover relationships, and in fact, it’s doubtful that it has major implications for later commitments or marriages.

The next step is to expand the research to look at unmarried parents due to a suspicion that people of all ages, and many circumstances engage in stayover relationships.

Computer conducts couple’s wedding ceremony

2011-08-01T10:48:00.000-04:00

Computer conducts couple’s wedding ceremony
By RICK MARSHALL

A Texas couple programmed their computer to be their wedding's virtual minister.

We’ve created robots that will do everything from fight in wars to make pancakes, so why not a robot that conducts wedding ceremonies?

That’s exactly what a Texas couple created for their big day when they had difficulty settling on a living, breathing person to serve as officiant.

According to the Associated Press, Miguel Hanson and Diana Wesley were married Saturday in Houston by Hanson’s computer, which he programmed to greet the guests, share some stories about the couple, and proceed with the ceremony. Nicknamed “Rev. Bit,” the computer even made a joke or two.

“If anyone here has anything to say that might change their minds or has any objections, they do not want to hear it and I will not recognize your objections since Miguel has programmed me to only recognize his commands,” the computer reportedly announced at one point during the ceremony.

A web developer and IT consultant, Hanson created the virtual minister after he and his wife decided to go all-out with the “geeked-out wedding” theme. The pair collaborated on the script, and Hanson controlled the progress of the computer’s speech using a wireless mouse.

Appropriately enough, the pair met on the dating site “Sweet on Geeks.”

“We’re both friends of the computer. So it’s kind of like our best friend is still marrying us,” said Wesley. “The computer is a huge part of our lives, so why not be a huge part of this?”

It’s worth noting that as novel as the idea is, this isn’t the first time a robot has presided over a real-life couple’s wedding. Back in May, a Japanese couple were married by a robot in Tokyo — though that robot was controlled by a human sitting nearby.

Is casual sex worth it?

2011-07-29T11:15:00.000-04:00

Is casual sex worth it?

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website,GoodInBed.

To do it, or not to do it: That is the question of casual sex - at least as depicted on film.

In both "Friends With Benefits" (currently playing) and the previously released "No Strings Attached," casual sex is anything but casual. It’s carefully weighed, hotly debated, methodically scrutinized and, of course, comically miscalculated. As in most romantic comedies, the casual sex turns out to be quite committed and just a part of falling in love and living happily ever after.

In the movies, blind lust and romantic love often intersect seamlessly, but in reality, casual sex is often an emotional dead-end rather than an on-ramp to relationship bliss.

Anthropologist Helen Fisher describes love as a three-phase system:

1) Lust, in which we can attach to anyone.

2) Attraction, in which lust finds its focus and blossoms into romantic love.

3) Attachment, in which romantic love matures into a long-term relationship.

Casual sex is often an expression of Phase 1 (lust at its most unfocused), but, unfortunately, many people go into it with the false hope that it will lead to romantic love. And that’s where life does not imitate the movies.

That’s not to say that casual sex is a bad thing. It can be loads of fun, as well as a way of trying out new things and practicing your sex skills for that future special person. But casual sex isn’t always so simple.

As my colleague Emily Nagoski, author of the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms, writes, “Especially when it comes to having sex with someone for the first time, the question of what it is you actually want when you want sex is very complicated indeed. Because what do you want, when you want sex? Do you want to get laid? Do you want a relationship? Do you want love? Do you want revenge? Do you want to rebel? Do you want to get pregnant? ... Then there’s the question of whether or not (and what kind of) sex will get you what you want. Sex will get you laid. Whether or not it gets you a relationship or love or revenge or rebellion or a baby is less certain, and so the decision becomes complicated.”

Casual sex has its risks and rewards, although the movies tend to focus more on the risk of falling in love than, say, the very real consequence of contracting a sexually transmitted infection.

As the authors of "Sex in America" write of their interviews with more than 3,000 people, “Although we find that large numbers of Americans have had a sexually transmitted disease at least once in their lives, there is nothing random about where the diseases strike … the people who are most likely to be infected share one key characteristic: They have many sex partners.”

As it turns out, if a man has two to four sexual partners in his lifetime, his chances of ever having contracted a sexually transmitted infection are about 3%.

As the number of partners increases, so does the risk. With more than 20 partners, his risk is about 28%, almost a 1,000% increase. The same rough pattern is true of women, with the spectrum of percentages increasing from 5% to 35%.

It should therefore come as no surprise that the more partners a person has had, the more likely it is that he or she has engaged with those partners outside of a monogamous relationship, and that his or her partner falls into a similar pattern of casual sex, thereby greatly increasing the risk of having come into contact with a sexually transmitted infection.

Casual sex could trigger a domino effect of risky behaviors.

“The more partners an individual has,” according to "Sex in America," “the more likely he or she is to have sex with people who themselves have many partners, the more likely he or she is to have sex with virtual strangers, the more likely she or he is to have been under the influence of drugs or alcohol during some sexual encounters, and while it is more likely that a condom was used, the rate of increased use of a condom does not seem great enough to offset the higher risks of infection.”

I’m not trying to scare anyone out of casual sex. As Dr. Alex Comfort had to say in his book "The Joy of Sex," “There is no occasion for panic, or for losing out on the joy of sex - simply informed caution.”

So is casual sex worth it? You tell me. Like the recent spate of movies, does it ever have a happy ending?

Would You Dump Her if She Got Fat?

2011-07-28T11:26:00.000-04:00

Half Of Men Say They Would Leave A Partner Who Gained Weight: Survey

It's been a rough year for women struggling with their weight.

Almost 50 percent of men surveyed in a new poll of 70,000 people said they would leave a partner who gained weight, reports MSNBC. In contrast, only 20 percent of women said they would ditch a significant other for putting on extra pounds.

James Bassil, editor-in-chief of AskMen, which cosponsored the poll with Cosmopolitan.com, said the study showed that "some romantic behaviors have proven to be timeless ones" including the notion that "size matters."

The survey results aren't the only recent data to indicate that men consider a woman's weight when evaluating a relationship. Last month, a study claimed that both husbands and wives were more satisfied with their marriages when the wife had a lower body mass index than the husband.

Defending her findings, Andrea Meltzer, lead author of the study, told ABC News, "It's relative weight that matters, not absolute weight. It's not that [women] have to be small."

The study didn't explore exactly how relative weight influences marital happiness.

Earlier this year, research suggested that a woman's weight may effect more than her relationships. A University of Michigan study found that in Iceland, the higher a woman's weight, the less likely she was to be employed. For men, higher weight was correlated with an increase in employment rates.

MSNBC, which covered the study under the headline, "Those extra pounds can hurt you at work, ladies," reported that another recent study, this one out of the University of Florida, found that women 25 pounds over the average weight earn $13,847 less per year than average-weight women.

But worrying too much about weight can also hurt a woman's career, according to a survey conducted by Dove in May. Fifteen percent of the 445 women who participated said worry about theirappearance had gotten in the way of their career advancement, and 20 percent said body concerns affected their day-to-day lives. And yet another study claimed that better body image helps women lose weight.

In other words, data tells women who are overweight, or think they are, that their body size can be problematic for their relationships and their careers. Yet worrying or feeling bad about it may hurt them at work and their chances of losing weight.

Men aren't without their own body anxiety, of course. The AskMen/Cosmopolitan.com survey found that 51 percent of men wished they had a larger penis. However, unlike men, whose responses might reinforce women's insecurities about their bodies, only 18 percent of women said they wished their partner were better endowed.

Here are a few other findings from the survey, according to Reuters:

Male birth control: Both men and women liked the idea of a male birth control pill, in contrast to a recent New York Times article on male contraceptives stating that it's unclear whether men would use the pill.

Digital infidelity: 75 percent of men surveyed equated sexting with cheating. Two thirds of men had no problem with a partner friending an old flame on Facebook, but only 38 percent of women were okay with it.

Ultimate status symbol: 39 percent of men said family. 43 percent of women said a beautiful home, and 25 percent of women said a successful partner.

Kiss and tell: 50 percent of men said they had lied about their number of past sex partners, whereas only 35 percent of women had.

Who pays the bill: 38 percent of women said they should pay for themselves, while percent said men should. 59 percent of men said they should treat, at least at the beginning of a relationship.

Dating: By far, it’s the summer’s hottest sport

2011-07-27T12:48:00.000-04:00

Dating: By far, it’s the summer’s hottest sport
By Dina Z. Colada

This issue of Graffiti is supposed to be about football, among other things. Hmm, I really don’t know much about sports, at all. Seriously, I know of them, but I’ve never really been into them. My friend Ed said “I knew there was something wrong with you.” He nailed it.

I did go to my friends’ daughter’s lacrosse game last year, but not just to watch the match. I thought it would be a great place to watch for men. I did spy a few there, but the stands weren’t overflowing with them. Maybe I’ll reconsider this sports thing, but I’ll try out some different venues.

It seems like most guys are into sports. Maybe high school girls lacrosse doesn’t have top priority in the sports-minded men. Maybe I should dig a little deeper and attend some other sporting events. How about Pee Wee Football? Or a Little League game. I’m sure those stands have some cute single dads. Or what about college basketball, football or soccer? I’m getting warmer, and I don’t think girls softball games will be top priority on my list.

Well, dating is a sport. And as far as I’m concerned, it’s a contact sport, and a good one at that. So, I guess I am into sports. And I have found my favorite: dating. Dating can be as competitive as baseball, and when you don’t know the other team’s moves, it makes it that much more exciting. When you’re playing the dating game, things can be fun, get messy, physical, maybe even sweaty. There is also a possibility that you might get hurt.

But the desire to play with the opposite sex is stronger than getting tickets to a Pirates game, at least for me. Most women I know aren’t that into sports. So what is it about guys and sports? Maybe the catch phrase “He dribbles! He shoots! He scores!” has something to do with it.

Certainly, guys appreciate some competition, but not with the girl. When the girl is competitive, the guy thinks you are not on his team, and he’ll start to play against you. But if he’s playing against outside opponents, he’ll put on his best game face, fight off other players, and if he wins the girl, he gets loads of points.

But, if a girl plays games or uses strategies, the umpire in the guys head will scream “Steeeerike one!” If she complains or makes him wrong, the ump screams “Streeeeeike two!” If she doesn’t appreciate him, he screams even louder “Streeeeeerike 3 — she’s outta here!” Game over. There will be no overtime and certainly no playoffs. You won’t even get to wear your new uniform with tall stripey baseball socks. And the only replay you’re gonna get, will be the one in your head saying what did I do wrong?

So when that game is over, it’s time to look for a new team to play with, and there are plenty of other players. But don’t let the new team see all of your best moves in the first game. You’ve gotta leave the team hungry for the next game. Let him wonder what it’s like to hit a home run after he reaches first base.

In the dating game, you might get some bumps and bruises, but please don’t tackle anyone or get too defensive. Be brave, and learn to laugh when you fumble or completely miss the basket. When you think you don’t have a chance of winning, get out there anyway, and learn to play ball. And if the ball is in your court, learn how to throw it back. If you think your team doesn’t have the skills, or isn’t good enough to get at least a few points, you’ve gotta practice even more. And if you really need help you can hire an experienced coach.

Personality Characteristics of an Unfaithful Partner

2011-07-26T08:22:00.000-04:00

Personality Characteristics of an Unfaithful Partner

By RICK NAUERT PHD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on July 26, 2011

What makes a partner stray? Sexual performance anxiety, for one; risk-taking tendencies in men, relationship issues for women.

These findings are part of a new study that is the first to look at how demographics, interpersonal factors and sexual personality affect infidelity.

For both men and women, personality characteristics and interpersonal factors are more relevant predictors than are religion, marital status, education or gender.

“Few studies on infidelity have gone beyond exploring demographics,” said Robin Milhausen, Ph.D., who conducted the study with doctoral student Kristen Mark and Erick Janssen, Ph.D., of Indiana University.

“This research shows that demographic variables may not influence decision-making as much as previously thought — that personality matters more, especially for men.”

The study was published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior.

The study involved 506 men and 412 women who reported being in monogamous sexual relationships lasting from three months to 43 years. Participants were asked to report on demographic variables such as religion, education and income. They also completed scales that measured sexual personality variables and answered questions about their relationships.

Remarkably, men and women reported similar rates of infidelity (23 and 19 percent, respectively). However, the factors associated with predicting unfaithfulness varied greatly by gender.

For men, significant predictors of infidelity are personality variables, including propensity for sexual excitation (becoming easily aroused by many triggers and situations) and concern about sexual performance failure.

While the fear of sexual performance failure would seem to be an odd reason to be unfaithful, researchers say this finding has been discovered in other studies.

One reason for this association may be that “People might seek out high-risk situations to help them become aroused, or they might choose to have sex with a partner outside of their regular relationship because they feel they have an ‘out’ if the encounter doesn’t go well – they don’t have to see them again, ” said Milhausen.

For women, relationship happiness is the key. Women who are dissatisfied with their relationship are more than twice as likely to cheat; those who feel they are sexually incompatible with their partners are nearly three times as likely.

“All kinds of things predict infidelity,” Milhausen said. “What this study says is that when you put all of those things together, for men, personality characteristics are so strong they bounce everything else out of the model. For women, in the face of all other variables, it’s still the relationship that is the most important predictor.”

Milhausen cautions against misinterpreting or overemphasizing the study’s findings.

“Taken at face value, this research might seem to just support sexual stereotypes: Women are just concerned about the relationship, and, for men, once a cheater, always a cheater, regardless of their relationship. But the caveat is that there are a lot of variants and factors that are not explained here that might impact whether someone cheats.”

Still, knowing that sexual personality characteristics — and, for women, relationship factors — are strong predictors suggests directions for therapeutic interventions, she said.

Post-Divorce Dating Club™ Launches Nationally

2011-07-25T10:54:00.000-04:00

Post-Divorce Dating Club™ Launches Nationally
A new community dedicated to helping re-singles mix, mingle, & maybe meet, launches nationally

The Post-Divorce Dating Club™ (PDDC), a division of the Post-Divorce Group LLC, launched its website today for divorced, separated or people who have been in a long term committed relationship. PDDC combines both online dating with offline Miixzee's™, seminars, coaching, matchmaking, and post-divorce resources and services to help build a comprehensive support network around individuals looking to move past their divorce.

The PDDC was founded by Lee Block, a divorced mom of two, after she discovered the difficulty divorcees encountered when seeking out quality dating partners. Block is the author of The Post-Divorce Chronicles, a regular contributor to the Huffington Post, and a post-divorce coach as well. According to Block, CEO of the Post-Divorce Group LLC, “I noticed a common recurring theme that ran through my sessions. Dating. I then started to think about online dating, and how when you date online, what do you get? You get men and women that come from a different place than you and don't understand the place that you are at! How do you weed through all those people to find the like minded people you want to date? You can't just throw a man or woman who was married for 15 years out to the wolves on online dating and expect them to come back without a couple of limbs missing! So, Post-Divorce Dating Club was born.”

This site offers an all encompassing community. Everyone on PDDC is divorced, in the process of divorce or has been in a long term committed relationship. Some of the services that they offer are background checks and a professional profile writing service. It only takes 5 minutes to fill out your profile on this site. PDDC also offers an offline matchmaking service that is personalized and one on one.

The services and resources directory is searchable by city and state and there are several ways to learn online through teleseminars and webinars, as well as expert bloggers that cover topics ranging from relationships to finance. The offline Miixzee's™, where you can learn and mingle in a relaxed atmosphere, will be slowly starting up in major cities across the United States as the site grows and there is also a forum where you can chat and give suggestions for the site.

According to Block, “This community is growing quickly and the feedback has been excellent. We pride ourselves on our customer service and providing a safe place for re-singles to date and get to know each other. We are a positive upbeat unbeatable and downright unbelievable community for re-singles who want to mingle!”

PDDC is offering the first 500 people who join a free 6 month membership through August 15, 2011. For more information about the PDDC, please email lee(at)postdivorcedatingclub(dot)com or visit the website at http://www.postdivorcedatingclub.com .

9 Secrets Men Keep From Women

2011-07-22T12:27:00.000-04:00

Relationship Confidential: A Woman's Guide to Evasive Guys

9 Secrets Men Keep From Women

You may have married Honest Abe, but many men still keep some of their emotions top secret. A relationship expert explains why they stay so hush-hush.

By Chris Iliades, MD

Medically reviewed by Niya Jones MD, MPH

Ever wish you could delve into the male mind to figure out what he’s reallythinking? For ages, women have tried to interpret “guy-psyche” — why he didn’t he call; why he did call you by his ex’s name. But every man is different, and there is no one-size-fits-all explanation for guys’ cryptic tendencies. However, research has found a number of surprising parallels. From his fears of commitment to his fondness for cuddling, certain emotions cause many men to freeze up rather than open up. Here are the top secrets guys keep (and why).

He Loves You, He Loves You Not

Those “three little words” could be the most complex in the English language. While some men prematurely pull the trigger on the "L word" (a recent study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that guys tend to say “I love you” first, often driven by the idea that their partner will be more likely to have sex with them) — other guys just aren’t that good at getting the words out. Instead, they show their love through their actions. How can you know for sure? Those actions may be a truer indicator of his feelings than any passion-fueled colloquy, says Irina Firstein, LCSW, a relationship counselor who has advised couples in New York City for more than 20 years.

He Has Cold Feet

Men often have a harder time picking up on subtle relationship cues — and because of this, your man may not be aware of the point in which your bond has moved to a higher expectation of commitment. In fact, some guys get anxious about becoming attached, even if they seem to enjoy the relationship. "Men often 'rubber band,' withdraw, or pull back if they feel like the relationship has moved beyond their comfort zone," Firstein notes. This new territory can take a man by surprise — even if you felt like he was forging ahead at the same pace you were.

He Gets Performance Jitters

Do men think about sex a lot? Sure they do, but their fears of sexual inadequacy may be just as frequent. If a man has ever had an unsuccessful go at sex (and most of them have! — flopped romps can be triggered by common missteps such as drinking too much), his stress in the bedroom can stockpile — which can eventually lead to sexual dysfunction. Many men will even avoid sex rather than talk honestly about their fears with their partner, and this can harm both the sexual health and the emotional health of a relationship.

He's Not Crazy About Monogamy

Some men stay mum about the extent of their sexual desires. "Freedom, and particularly sexual freedom, and variety are typically more important to men than to women,” says Firstein. “Many married men feel that they love their wives and, at the same time, have no problemscheating." This difference between men and women can be one of the most damaging to a couple because of the sense of betrayal it can create (even if he never actually strays).

He Wants You to Initiate Sex (and Cuddling)

You may think sexual desire is hard-wired in men, but with every attempt at turning you on comes a threat of rejection — even in the most established relationships. That’s why it’s such a turn-on when a woman makes the moves, allowing him to skip the risk altogether. And it’s not just sex he wants: One recent study from the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University actually found that cuddling and caressing in a relationship are more important to men than women. Next time, be the sexual pioneer — it could strengthen the health of your relationship more than you realize.

He's Depressed

Depression has no gender bias: It can strike anyone, including the most macho of men. However, studies show that men who are depressed are less likely to open up about their sadness or lack of energy than women. Instead, they are more likely to avoid sex, say they’re overtired, or drink more. "Some men are uncomfortable about feeling sad, and their sadness or depression may come out as anger," warns Firstein. Depression is one of the most dangerous secrets a man can keep, so if you think a male in your life could be depressed, it’s important to let him know that you’re concerned.

He Suppresses (Instead of Addresses) Doubt

Some men are instilled with the notion that they shouldn’t show signs of fear or doubt; eventually, those doubts and fears can snowball into big secrets, ones they may keep even from themselves. But when his undisclosed apprehensions involve his relationship — whether it’s about getting married or bringing you along to “guys’ night” — both partners’emotional health is at risk. "Men may postpone a marriage engagement as long as possible and then propose because they think it is the right thing to do,” Firstein says. “They frequently get anxious or distant right before a wedding because they have not fully dealt with their doubts or fears."

He Feels Afraid of His Own Feelings

Doubt isn’t the only emotion men stay hush-hush about — in fact, some guys have a hard time opening up about a range of feelings. "Because many men are problem solvers and are uncomfortable talking about feelings, there are a number of intense feelings that don't get expressed with words, but rather acted out," notes Firstein. The good news? Men aren’t Neanderthals. The emotions are there; they just need to be uncovered. And if ‘fessing up about his feelings remains a stumbling block, he may need to seek relationship advicefrom a professional.

And the Biggest Secret Men Keep…

Here’s a fact: Men need (and want) intimacy just as much as women do. Mutual respect, trust, support, and communication — these relationship musts are just as important for a man's emotional and sexual health as they are for a woman's. When both partners are able to open up and let their relationship develop at its own pace, that love will be nurtured by positivity — rather than stunted by secrets.

Mila Kunis Thinks 'Friends With Benefits' Relationships Can Work

2011-07-21T11:30:00.000-04:00

Mila Kunis Thinks 'Friends With Benefits' Relationships Can Work

Co-stars Bryan Greenberg, Patricia Clarkson aren't so sure.

By Amy Wilkinson

In spite of the rather raunchy, nearly naked ad campaign for "Friends With Benefits," the movie's all-star cast, including Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, turned up fully clothed at the romantic comedy's world premiere Monday night at New York City's Ziegfeld Theatre.

But on a hot, sweltering night devoted to celebrating no-strings-attached relationships, the topic of sex came up early and often. So, of course, we had to ask the film's stars if they thought a friends-with-benefits relationship like the one depicted in writer/director Will Gluck's July 22 release could really work long-term.
"Not in my life because I've tried it and failed miserably," laughed Bryan Greenberg, who plays one of Kunis' suitors.
For the most part, Greenberg's co-stars were of the same opinion.
Jenna Elfman, who plays Timberlake's sister, said, "I've been with my husband for 20 years, so I haven't first-hand attempted a friends-with-benefits lifestyle." But she still had her reservations: "I really, frankly, don't think it's workable."

"For some people, yes; for me, not so much," Patricia Clarkson agreed.

Even Gluck, the film's writer/director, admitted he thinks it's an impossible undertaking. "I think the scenario works very briefly and in college — everyone else is kidding themselves."

The sole dissenter was Kunis, who said it all depends on your definition of "works." "Sure! I mean, you get upgraded or downgraded; it switches and takes different positions. You get promoted, or you get fired."

Do you think a friends-with-benefits relationship can work? Will you see the flick? Tell us in the comments!

Women who are looking for perfect-10 men are judging us based on the 6 Sixes

2011-07-20T11:16:00.000-04:00

Women who are looking for perfect-10 men are judging us based on the 6 SixesBY RACHEL KHONA

What You Need To Know
Women who are looking for perfect-10 men are judging us based on the Six Sixes.
Not every guy's car has to have 600 horsepower, but econo-boxes won't do.
The most important criterion is the one you fear the most.

"Women have come up with a system of their own to weed out the average Joes from the Brad Pitts."

You know how men use a scale from 1-10 to determine a woman’s attractiveness? A 10 is a smoking-hot babe a la Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, and a 1 is something that crawled out of a murky Louisiana swamp. Well, women have their scale too, and it’s called the Six Sixes. But unlike men's method, which judges women based solely on their appearance, the Six Sixes evaluates men on their bodies, their income and their ability to…perform.

In other words, women have come up with a system of our own, created to weed out the average Joes from the Brad Pitts. Shallow? Perhaps, but don’t think she’s not judging you. Unless she’s a gold digger and solely out for the cash, most gorgeous, independent women are going for the gold: the crème de la crème of men. Put plainly, we're looking to score as many sixes as we can. The more sixes a girl can score, the better. A ten-incher or a seven-figure salary can make up for a lack in the other departments, but if you’re majorly missing one of the below, you might want to start working on filling in the gaps. Read on for a breakdown of the Six Sixes.

A Six-Figure Salary

These days a six-figure salary isn’t much, but it’s sure as hell better than a five-figure salary. Five figures is fine for your average Joe, but to many ambitious women, five figures screams middle class. A successful woman is searching for someone who can treat her to the finer things in life: last-minute weekends in Paris, vacations in Bali and expensive dinners. But it’s not just about the material things. No matter how equal women become to men, when it’s all said and done, money equals power and masculinity. A man who earns a lot of money can more easily take care of his family. And to a lot of us, that is way sexy.

At Least Six Feet Tall

It almost goes without saying that taller men are more attractive to women. Six feet is a good starting point; it’s sort of like how guys think of a 36C cup size. Height suggests safety and security. We like to feel small and protected in the arms of our guy. A man who’s two inches taller than us is not likely to make us feel sexy or taken care of. More likely we'll feel like we're hanging out with a friend -- and that is not going to get us hot and bothered.

A guy who's flabby? Not so much."

At Least 600 Horsepower In His Car

All right, a guy doesn’t absolutely need a 600-horsepower car. But he does have to drive a car that’s powerful. A Chevy Aveo isn’t going to cut it. A Mercedes, BMW, Lexus or Bentley is a good pick for the fancier girl. For a more laid-back type, an SUV or Audi would be a good choice. But no matter what, station wagons, hatchbacks, minivans, or small budget cars are out if you want to impress Dream Girl.

A Six-Pack Abdomen

A six-pack is just an added bonus, but it’s a big one. Sure, a guy without one can be attractive, but there’s nothing more pleasurable than touching a guy who’s hard as a rock. It makes sex that much more fun. Plus, a guy in shape is more likely to go all night. A guy who’s flabby? Not so much.

At Least Six Months Since Last Relationship

This is an important one for anyone, male or female. If a woman is looking for a keeper, she’s looking for someone emotionally available, and that means someone who is well over his last relationship and not looking for a quick fix for his broken heart. There’s nothing worse than knowing you are the rebound girl.

At Least Six Inches Below The Belt

This sixth point of the Six Sixes is likely to be the one that makes guys the most nervous -- or the most confident, depending on where they stand. To be fair, not all women need a guy who’s at least six inches. But those women are generally not highly sexual. For the rest of us, a minimum of six inches is essential if we want to get off. Lest you think this is superficial, think again. It’s a matter of basic physics: A larger penis makes it easier to hit the g-spot, therefore making it easier to orgasm. A wider penis causes more friction, which enhances pleasure. So if you’re not packing down below, make sure you’ve got those oral and fingering skills down pat.

The bottom line? The Six Sixes are a way for women to measure her man’s virility. If you’re lacking in one of the above, start making some changes -- or settle for being just average.

The key to romantic happiness Is...

2011-07-19T11:15:00.000-04:00

Relationship: The key to romantic happiness

Rekindling a relationship where the love seems to have faded is a two-person job.

By BARTON GOLDSMITH

Chances are, if you are breathing, you've had some heartache — maybe a lot of it.

Research shows that living with heartache can actually damage your heart, as well as make getting through daily life an ordeal.

When does heartache begin? When does a couple start falling out of love?

Many scientists believe that the body chemistry that ignites a couple's sexual and emotional attraction usually lasts about two or three years, but can start changing as soon as a few months after meeting. Some lucky couples report staying in love for two decades, but that's not the norm.

Over time, your chemistry as a couple changes. The feelings become less intense and exciting, and this is when a power struggle can begin.

When the initial excitement of a relationship starts to fade, some couples choose to coast along in the relationship without making much of an effort to build on their bond.

But doing this — relying on habit and familiarity to keep the relationship going — is a mistake. Unspoken expectations and assumptions will lead to resentment and unhealthy conflict, greater distance, stubbornness and even dislike of one another.

Most couples are in denial when engaged in such actions, and broken hearts are the result.

You don't have to live this way. First you need to admit that you've been engaging in toxic behaviors. Then you can choose to accept being a victim of circumstance and living as you are, or you can find the tools and do the work you need to make life great again.

Rekindling a relationship where the love seems to have faded isn't rocket science, but it does take both of you to make it work. It starts by understanding that together you have more control than you might think.

The key to romantic happiness is to maintain and build on the intimacy that you have. One study found that people who remained most passionate about their love lives were the ones who gave themselves new experiences regularly — from trying new restaurants to learning new relationship skills — rather than only sticking to the tried and true.

Here's another hint: It's not about sex. Sex can take away from intimacy if it's used as a distraction or as a way to hide from true emotions or difficulties in the relationship.

When loves fades, our feelings vacillate between sad, uncomfortable and angry. It is our right and responsibility as human beings to try to fix it. And we all have the ability. Unfortunately, many people are afraid to work on their relationships. They may not be able to look that closely at themselves or how they have both contributed to pushing their love to the brink of destruction.

Given that there is so much you can do to make things better, why would you want to sit in your pain? Why not take the risk of trying to make your love and your life as good as it can be?

How to tell if someone is lying

2011-07-18T12:22:00.000-04:00

How to tell if someone is lying
By Arianne Cohen and Lindsy Van Gelder

A pair of flaming trousers (or a growing nose, à la Pinocchio) isn't the only sign that a person is spewing falsehoods. Here, five experts teach you how to smoke out a fibber.

A person's demeanor or voice radically changes
As an investigator, I first try to assess how someone normally speaks. To do that, I begin an interview by asking questions that I know the answers to, like "What's your full name?" or "Where do you live?" Some folks are naturally animated and talk fast; others are more subdued. Once I know which type of talker a person is, I start asking him questions that I don't know the answer to. If his manner shifts abruptly -- going from calm to agitated or lively to mellow -- chances are he's not telling the truth.

--Gregg McCrary is a retired FBI criminal profiler and a crime analyst in Fredericksburg, Virginia.

A person avoids saying "I"

In my research, I've discovered that when people fib about themselves, they tend to use I and me less often than people who are being truthful. Instead, they'll speak about themselves in the third person ("This is a girl who loves to ski") or even truncate their language ("Really into listening to jazz") -- anything to give themselves psychological distance from the lie.

--Jeffrey Hancock is an associate professor of communication at Cornell University who studies online lying.

A person has an answer for everything

Ask most people what they were doing last week and they'll have to pause and think about it. That's even more true of teenagers, who generally don't have the capacity to tell an elaborate story on the fly. So when I call a child into my office and he seems totally rehearsed -- there's zero hesitation before he answers a question -- well, that's a dead giveaway.

--Julia Chung has been an educator for 16 years, first as a high school teacher in Los Angeles and now as an assistant principal in Westchester County, New York.

A person fidgets and fusses for no reason

If someone keeps performing a random physical action that seems unnecessary -- cleaning her glasses excessively, retying her shoelaces, or dusting off the (clean) table in front of her she may be lying. The guilt and anxiety make her restless. That can be particularly true if she is lying to somebody she loves. When a person fibs to a traffic cop, she won't necessarily fidget a lot. But if she is deceiving her husband, she won't be able to sit still.

--Barbara Mitchell has been a relationship therapist in New York City for 34 years.

A person proclaims his honesty repeatedly

To sell us on the integrity of their answers, liars often use phrases emphasizing the validity of their statements, like "to tell the truth" and "to be perfectly honest." These verbal tip-offs frequently invoke religion. Think of expressions like "I swear on a stack of Bibles" and "as God is my witness." Most truthful people don't need to go that far.

--Joseph Buckley is the president of John E. Reid and Associates, in Chicago, which trains law-enforcement investigators.

Men who cuddle 3 times happier in relationships

2011-07-15T10:28:00.000-04:00

Men who cuddle three times happier in relationships
They may act tough, but when it comes right down to it, men may enjoy cuddling just as much as women.
By Jonathan Shorman

Researchers at Indiana University found that men who reported frequently kissing or cuddling with their partner were more likely to be happy in their relationship than those who did not. Women also experienced a cuddle boost, but the effect was smaller.

The study, published in the August Archives of Sexual Behavior, online now, surveyed over 1,000 couples living in Japan, Brazil, Spain, Germany and the United States. All of the men who took the questionnaire were between 40 and 70 years old and had been either married or living with their partner for at least one year. Researchers examined relationship happiness as well as sexual satisfaction.

Men who kissed and cuddled were three times more likely to be happy in the relationship than men who didn't. Women who often kissed and cuddled were 1.59 times more likely to be happy in the relationship than those who didn't, but the difference for women wasn't considered statistically significant.

When it came to sexual satisfaction, though, both men and women who kissed and cuddled with their partner reported greater sexual satisfaction than those who didn't. Those who reported touching their partner sexually, regardless of whether intercourse occurred, reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction as well.

Previous research hasn't focused as much on mid- to later life individuals, says the study's lead author, Julia Heiman, a psychology professor and director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University, Bloomington. "It's a different phase of life and a lot of health complications come to bear," Heiman says.

The study found that the more sexual partners a man had over the course of his life, the less likely he is to be sexually satisfied in the relationship. On average, men had had 11.9 sexual partners, while women had had 4.9. Heiman says that some men "could be promiscuous," but some could be looking for something they haven't yet found.

While men were more likely to report greater relationship satisfaction the longer the duration of the relationship, women were more likely to report that sexual satisfaction increased with the duration of the relationship.

Relationship satisfaction also varied by country. Japanese couples were happier than American couples and Brazilians and Spaniards were less happy in their relationships than Americans. Japanese men were more likely to be sexually satisfied in their relationships than Americans. Brazilian and Spanish women were more likely to be sexually satisfied than their American counterparts. Reasons for the differences are unclear.

"In terms of relationship satisfaction, the U.S. is not necessarily in the lead in this study," Heiman says.

Wingwoman offers guys 6 dating tips

2011-07-14T11:58:00.000-04:00

Wingwoman offers guys 6 dating tips

By Marni Kinrys

You have to think about picking up girls the exact same way you think about picking up a box. You just do it. Seriously. After working with thousands of men all around the world, I have found that the common issue holding men back with women is that "thing" on top of their shoulders. It thinks, analyzes and makes excuses, so rejection is self-inflicted before women even get a chance to do it.

Here are six secrets men need to know about women to help them stop that "thing" in their head from destroying their dating life:

Women have baggage, too, especially the attractive ones.You think insecurity and low confidence are only for those who are fat, bald and ugly? Not so, my friend. Just because a woman is hot does not mean that her life is perfect. Remember, beauty does not equal perfection. It's simply one thing about a woman that she literally wears on her sleeve.

Women prefer personality to looks. As a woman, I know this to be very true. But I also know it's a tough one for men to swallow. Obviously, in the first five seconds, she judges a man based on his looks. But after that, something interesting happens: A man's face shifts according to how he makes a woman feel. A hot man can become hideous, and an average-looking man can become the sexiest guy in the room. What women are really attracted to has nothing to do with appearance. It has to do with the character a man projects. A man who is calm, cool, collected, comfortable and confident will trump an Abercrombie model every time.

Women DO NOT like bad boys. Not sure who started this rumor, but they must be shot immediately. Women do not sit around with their girlfriends and say "Oh, Marni, I can't wait to meet a lazy, unreliable jerk who treats me poorly and feeds on my insecurities." Women like nice guys, not wimps, pushovers or pleasers; nice guys with a backbone and strong sense of self.

There's no "right" line, but there's a right way to say it. If I had four men approach me using the same, tried-and-tested pickup line, do you think I would be attracted to all four of them? Maybe, but highly unlikely. I can tell you that if the right man with the right character came up to me and said "banana, banana, banana," I would giggle like a little schoolgirl and instantly feel attraction for him.

There is never a bad time to approach a woman. Women want to be approached, as long as it's by the right person. If you see a girl you like, stop, breathe and think to yourself, "She's adorable. I want to talk to her and see if I like her." Notice the "I want" and the spirit of figuring out what you like. Until you get to know this girl, it's about you, not her.

Women want you to respect them, not admire them. So stop putting women you know nothing about on pedestals. Yes, they're hot, yes other men may want them, but that does not mean that all self-respect gets thrown out the door. Respect yourself first, and women will follow.

So use these lessons as the first step to eliminating the anxiety that "thing" produces. The second part is getting out there and practicing. Sitting on your couch watching "Law & Order" is not going to bring you results with women.

Supply & Demand: Dating

2011-07-13T12:59:00.000-04:00

Supply & Demand: Dating

BY FARAH AVERILL

What You Need To Know
Be sparing in your affections and attention, and her demand will increase.
Attempting most of these maneuvers in a long-term relationship is asking for trouble.
Play up a unique trait and demand for particularly skilled men - like you - will go up.

"When women first meet a guy, they project fantasies onto him associated with their vision of the ideal man."

In his seminal work, Principles of Economics, published in 1890, Alfred Marshall wrote that there are four basic laws governing the price of a good in a market based on supply and demand. Briefly, they are: 1) increased demand and unchanged supply means a higher price; 2) decreased demand and unchanged supply means a lower price; 3) increased supply and unchanged demand means a lower price; 4) decreased supply and unchanged demand means a higher price.

Supply and demand may be an economic model, but given that it is human nature to want what it seems as though you can’t have, this theory can also be applied to the dating game too. Here, we school you in how to apply the concept of supply and demand to your dating life in order to achieve success.

Limit Her Access To You

Limit Your Displays Of Affection

While conventional dating advice typically contends that women enjoy playing hard to get and that men love the chase, the reverse -- that women enjoy pursuing a man who seems just out of reach -- is also true. The reason is as follows: When women first meet a guy, they project fantasies onto him associated with their vision of the ideal man. The less you supply physical contact, therefore, the more her lustful demand for you will build, which, of course, can only work in your favor. Warning: This advice will completely backfire if used in a long-term relationship where regular displays of affection are one of the keys to a happy union, so follow this rule only when you’re in the early stages of a relationship or you’re presently playing the field.

Limit The Contact That You Initiate

You know that rule about waiting three days before you call or, in 2010, make virtual contact? Well, forget it. After all, that’s what every other guy will be doing and your goal is to be in shorter supply than the average man. So don’t even think about calling,texting, e-mailing, instant messaging, or any other form of contact until at least six days have passed. One word to the wise here: Many women like to plan in advance, so if you’re only going to call once a week, do it midweek, like Wednesday, to schedule a weekend date. This trick gives her plenty of time to prepare and also means she’ll have to wait longer to see you than she’s already been waiting, which will further build her anticipation.

Read on to find out how economies of scale can get you dates...

"Take a cue from diamond companies like De Beers and play with the market by artificially inflating your value."

Limit Romantic Gestures

Carefully calibrate when, how and what you’ll do in terms of romantic gestures. By controlling the supply of romance she receives, the amorous overtures you do make will blow her mind because she won’t be expecting them. Do heed the warning associated with limiting affection, however, and only follow this rule if you’ve just met a girl you’re interested in, as testing it out on your long-term girlfriend will drive you apart rather than fuel her fire for you.

Limit The Time You Spend With Her

In the marketplace, new products are often more in demand. The value of this new product will be high particularly when supply is low. By limiting the number of times she sees you, your company will seem both novel and more valuable. To apply this rule, begin by isolating your social group into different economies ornetworks. That way, you’ll be able to go out as frequently as you like, but you won’t be a fixture in one particular network. Note that when you do show up at an event, however, although the novelty of your presence will intrigue her, you’ll also have to deliver a quality product (you). So be sure to get into a good mood before stepping out, and have some conversation starters ready.

Limit The Supply Of Men Like You

Position Yourself As A Rare Commodity

If you have something to offer that other guys don’t, you’ll be tantamount to a rare commodity, thus, driving up female demand for you. There are several ways in which you can turn yourself into an uncommon good. You could take up a new hobby or revive aninterest in an old one and determine to master it. For example, if you learn a foreign language, you’ll seem exotic. Or, try building connections that other guys don’t have by cultivating relationships with individuals who can help you procure in-demand products, such as seats at the hottest restaurant in town, VIP access to a swish club, discounted airline tickets, and so on. When women notice your ability to secure exciting products that are in short supply, you’ll be much more in demand.

Position Yourself In A New Market

Take a cue from diamond companies like De Beers and play with the market by artificially inflating your value. The best way to increase your worth is by spending your time in a place where there aren’t many dudes like you. For example, if you’re throwing a party and you’re a bona fide player, don’t invite like-minded men. Similarly, if your sharp wit is your best quality, forget to mention your soiree to any other comedians in your entourage.

Manipulate The Market

As you can see, applying the supply and demand model to the dating realm is relatively straightforward. Essentially, doing so consists of limiting your supply by being less available or tipping the odds in your favor by making yourself appear more in demand. Either way, put one or more of these tricks to work with the women in your life and you should soon see your value skyrocket.

Men want to cuddle but women prefer sex, survey finds

2011-07-11T08:03:00.000-04:00

Men want to cuddle but women prefer sex, survey finds
Men need to cuddle to be happy in a long-term relationship while women prefer to have sex, a new study finds.

Acts of affection like hugs and kisses were more important to men than women, researchers found.

And for women, sex tends to get better over time - after a couple has been together about 15 years.

Researchers surveyed over 1,000 couples from five different countries who had been in relationships for between one and 51 years.

Half of the couples had been together for at least 25 years.

They were also quizzed about their degree of happiness in their relationships and sex lives.

Men who reported frequent kissing and cuddling were three times as happy, on average, as those who had less snuggling with their wives or girlfriends.

Women, meanwhile, said that such shows of affection had very little impact on their happiness.

Both men and women reported their sex lives improving the longer their relationship had lasted.

But men were more likely to say they were happy with their relationship while women were more likely to report being satisfied with the sex.

In the first 15 years of a relationship, women are significantly less sexually satisfied than men.

But once they have been in a relationship 15 years, their satisfaction level is 20 per cent higher than at the beginning.

Men were just happy to know that their partner enjoyed sex, and, in particular, that they had orgasms.

The survey of couples from the US, Germany, Spain, Japan and Brazil was carried out by researchers from the Kinsey Institute at America’s Indiana University.

Lead author Julia Heiman said that the first 15 years of a relationship may be emotionally draining for women while they are raising children. As they get older, they have fewer pressures.

She said: “It's possible that women became more sexually satisfied over time because their expectations change or life changes when their children grow up.

“The period of less satisfaction seems to overlap with the period of raising children, during which other things really take a focus.”

The findings about intimacy were the opposite of what researchers had expected, she revealed.

She said: “We became interested in relationships that endure and how might we begin to understand them.

“Cuddles were more important to men in predicting the degree of happiness.

“The really useful message is we should not make presumptions about the genders.

“Because there's no way to be sure we're going to be right in any way.”

The study is published in full this week in journal Archives of Sexual Behaviour.The participants, aged between 40 and 70, were asked how many times in the past month they had kissed, cuddled, caressed and made love with their partner.