Adventures in ADHD and Womanhood

Kid sick again

2012-01-31T16:50:00.001-07:00

It's something I wonder, how many times a year is it normal to have a cold? It seems like my kid is sick every other week. Fever, body aches, sore throat. I wonder about myself as well! In the last 30 days I have been taken down by a cold, stomach bug and strep throat. That doesn't count the number of times I was sick in December or November either. I read some where that University of Arizona did a study on children with ADHD and frequent illness, where when the tonsils and anadiloids were removed 50% of patients actually stopped exhibiting symptoms of ADHD impairment. Just wondering if that is a solution for me or if it would help my 5 year old.

Tried to go to the Jewel Center in downtown Phoenix again. And again I was turned away because the child care center was short staffed. It bugs me because it is such a long drive to get there and they won't let you take any classes until after orientation is completed. After yesterday's visit with the Vocational Rehabilitation counselor I would like to take one of their parenting classes as well as the self esteem class I keep trying to get into. Bummer after a very long drive! Of course if my 5 year old hadn't been sick I might have been able to see if my Aunt was at my Nana's house to watch the baby. I simply can't visit my Nana with a sick kid, she has become far to frail for it. So I will need to try another day or week to get this orientation finished.

So a friend of my husband has become annoyed with the airing of the dirty laundry. I told her it was fine If she unfriend me as she had to do what was best for her mental health. She reports he post things on his Facebook page about my blog, arguments ect. That's fine by me, I don't read his Facebook page. I never actually did even when he was a friend of mine on Facebook page. I have heard enough from the media about how reading your spouses pages are bad for your marriage. Besides I didn't have time when I was busy trying to keep house his way. I do have the time now, but find it better spent studying marriage self help books, career advice, ADHD, and PDD-Nos. I learned yesterday that my five year old is eligible for Social Security Disability Income, which could help me get him into tutoring, motor skills development, or other enrichment program to keep him as close to his peers as possible. I haven't made the call, yet. It is just so overwhelming to think that your 5 year old as eligible for SSDI. So I will work on that tomorrow.

In the mean time I will try and wash the sheets and towels that got dirty when my two year old had explosive diarrhea this afternoon. And hope I can get everyone in the car to drop off my oldest for scouts because my husband promises to pick him up.

Courage and wtf. My mom takes his side?!

2012-01-30T20:31:00.001-07:00

Have you ever woke up to the sound of your own sobs?

My pillow was soaked. I don't know how long I had been crying in my sleep. I just find it strange.

I visited my mothers house today. But only because I had too leave my son with her do I could go to my Vocational Rehabilitation appointment. I got an ear lashing! It wasn't t fair and it wasn't right. She was already angry before I got there and had decided I was simply holding a grudge against my estranged husband. I knew after Saturday that she didn't truly understand what has been happening in this house over the years. And today I learned she just doesn't want to believe I can decide that enough had gone wrong. She demanded I just decide right now and get a divorce! Suddenly, she went from you shouldn't get a divorce to I must hurry up and do it right now.

She made excuses for him. She tried to justify bad behavior. She flat out can't accept indecision on my behalf. I got screamed at for having the audacity to ask my husband "why, now?" it's a perfectly fair question when someone tells you they are considering joining he Reserves. Apparently I am not entitled to learn that information about my husbands plans. I say shouldn't a wife know why you want to enlist, why separated service in he first place and why now is a good time to re-enlist? My husband called me a bitch who was trying to kick him when he was down via text message. He's angry because I asked the same question the recruiter will ask. Why he immediately decided I was being vindictive is beyond me. Could he not have simply asked why I was so rude or called instead of telling me I was a bitch? Having two against one is not fair!

She didn't care that he should have handled his anger differently. She had no idea what had happened on Saturday. She didn't care that I thought I was given a glimmer of hope when he said he would go to church with his family. She didn't know he didn't like the first marriage advice book I had gotten on the kindle. She didn't know i had gotten him a different book with a very different plan. She just knew I was vindictive because I asked a question after he asked to know my thoughts. She seemed to assume that me asking a question about why now, why not then was me saying he couldn't go back. She didn't care that I was not going to stop him from re-enlisting or not. It is ultimately his choice. I just want to know what every wife and best friend should know when you begin making life altering decisions for your family.

I went to my appointment and feel good for doing so. I feel like I may be able to get real career guidance and positive support. I know that the process is very long. I was there because when I look back over my speckled career path, I can clearly see how ADHD impacted its path. I understand that I had issues that could have been mitigated and that i might be happily employed at one of my previous employers. I hope that the agency can guide me to career stability. Maybe they will be able timely me improve the financial situation of my kids. I also felt that I was supposed to meet the counselor. She has been where I am in my marriage and knows what it takes to say I need to protect my kids from this bad environment and save myself. We talked about God and what I have seen in regards to my husband and God. I told her he doesn't attend church, that in nine years I only remember him going with me once. I know he knows the bible well. A few weeks ago he corrected me when I pronounced a name incorrectly when reading a passage to my oldest son. I know he knows the bible better than I do, afterall he was an alter boy in the catholic church I just don't know anything about why he doesn't want to go or be religious. We talked about some of the more disturbing things that have happened in my house. I was caught a little off guard when she told me that I could go to jail for letting him do those things, not just him. So there is a lot of things that need to be fixed that I wasn't even aware of. I now know that the pastor at CCV was right when he said I should pray for courage. I will need the courage to make sure those bad things are not allowed to happen to me or my kids ever again. Pray for courage to do what God needs done.

It will not be easy. But I will pray for the courage to do it.

I

Tears wetting my iPad.

2012-01-29T22:01:00.001-07:00

Utterly confused.

I don't understand and can't make sense of what just happened. I am in tears again. The message from the church I visited yesterday was to ask for courage from God. I am heart broken tonight and desperately need the courage offered.

Things are tuff. I am doing what I can to maintain. Why is he so angry all the time? Why did he tell me I was a bitch who was trying to kick him when he was down? I really don't understand. I tried asking him why he said those things, it just made him very angry. He left the home we once shared in anger. I waited for him to return. Hoping he would find his rational self and explain what he felt when he said those things. It's been over an hour. I don't know where he went. Did he go get a drink? Was he drinking before I asked him over? Why does asking "why" produce such a negative response? Does he not know how it hurts? What happen to the texts from Saturday where he said he would go to church with his family?

I have people in my life telling me all the should haves. They become offended when I say I don't want to worry about the should haves and what ifs. I simply want to work on right now. One of them sent a text demanding me to make a final decision about divorce, etcetera. Really? I thought I was supposed to take my time or trust my heart to know what to do and when to do it?

The new church people didn't make such demands. They didn't think I was nuts or indecisive. They just offered their hearts and prayers that I would do what Gods will was. They understood and I wasn't alone, it was okay to just be me. I suppose my teachers must have hated me, I've always asked why.

Whatever, day nine

2012-01-26T22:08:00.001-07:00

Grrr!

Anyway, I enjoyed another day of not being stressed out over whether the floors were sweep, the kitchen cleaned. It's wonderful not to spend the whole day following around kids and picking up every last item. I ended up with lots more energy!

The kids had early out and the two older ones visited Dad for the afternoon. They said they went to the park, the one we took the dogs to a long time ago and went to get Icees at the QT.

It left me wondering... Why didn't he do that before? What was so difficult about taking the kids and doing something not at home? Couldn't he do this every week like I have been asking, requesting and finally demanding for years? Is it that hard to spend time with them or was he simply trying to torched me by never giving me alone time in my own home ( the one he locked me out of a week ago- for revenge he said). All because I need time in the home without kids.

Drives me nuts! He gets time in the house by himself multiple times a week. If he wants to spend it cleaning, so be it. It's his time he can use it how he wants.

And FYI it's not alone time if you are by yourself doing the grocery shopping. That simply doesn't count, unless it's something you love doing, like painting the house. Yes, I would rather paint the house than to go to the grocery store. I would even rather paint your house! I even wanted to start a business painting houses. Besides you only paint a house once every few years! Or every year if your me and love to change colors.

Who really wants to go to the grocery store 75 times a year when everyone complains about what you cook and tells you after the fact what they wanted, even though you asked before, by a full 24 hours!??! Drives me nuts! I hate that place, the ugly florescent lighting makes me ill.

On the bright side of the grocery store I watched a boy, must have been about 22, check me out, and than return to do it a second and third time. Made me feel hot!

Let me hear it ladies!

Nothing makes you feel better than when a guy does a double take even when it's the father of your kids.

Wish there was more of that in my home.

And now the kid thAt hasn't peed in the bed in over a week, just peed on my bed! Anyone have stock in Tide?

Day eight!!!

2012-01-25T13:45:00.001-07:00

I awoke today feeling great! The alarms went off and I didn't go back to sleep. I woke the kids and they did what I have been dreaming they would for years! They just did the things they were supposed to and when they got off track only a gentle nudge. They seem less on edge and more willing to do those chores. Perhaps it's due to the realistic expectations of what hey can do. They aren't perfect and they didn't get demeaned for not completing tasks with military precision. So the things just got done.

Big smile.

The sudden understanding of Julia Roberts' character in Sleeping with the Enemy when she finally feels free from her abuser. It's a surreal feeling to be able to be yourself. No fear or anxiety No overwhelming need to do things for someone else their way on their time table. It's bizarre when you realize you don't need to make the bed right away or panic when the kids spill some cereal on the counter. Or to be able to dance without some one looking down on you or telling you, you can't dance. How weird to be freed. The things that have become habits out of fear and avoidance are slushing off. It is that sexy liberating feeling you imagine in Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts' character receives her prince charming in her crappy apartment.

It's just great!

Oh, and the chores are so much easier and quicker to finish!

Day seven...

2012-01-25T13:40:00.001-07:00

I had an insatiable appetite today. I wonder if that is a side effect of strong antibiotics or general stress from the situation. It was a long day but it seemed short due to the ridiculously long wandering afternoon of my baby, who was all too happy to break in his baby leash. Its quite funny to see a baby on a leash, but it has become necessary! I can't explain how terrifying it is to realize your baby has wandered away. I don't know why I didn't get one sooner! Probably because I think their ludicrous.

So it was Tuesday night. A cub scouts night. What a difference it was. Some things are hard to explain and incomprehensible to those that have never experienced it. I made spaghetti as its kinda customary to have on
Such a busy night. The kids ate. There was less arguing, and those that did happen, we're easier to curb. The kids played and followed directions, we did not need to rush! We arrived on time and the kids had fun. We returned home with lots to do: bathe, eat dessert, wash more laundry, pick up toys, take out garbage, get pj's on, read a story and go to bed. It was different this time.

First we did not rush to clean up the house before we left. We just were not concerned about how Dad would react to the small mess. It made going toScouts less stressful. When we returned we weren't hurting to clean because Dad was coming home. We just did things as we could. When it was time to clean up their bedroom, no one panicked. No one cried about there being too much to do. No one was stressed and they all worked together. Most amazingly was how quick it was picked up!!!!

It was the first time I was conscience of just how much anxiety was in the house do tony husband's unpredictable moods. It's different to experience peace when war has been all you have known for years.

Days five and six...

2012-01-24T09:31:00.001-07:00

On day five he asked to see the kids. I ate an entire bag of circus peanuts and pulled all the weeds from my step fathers front lawn by hand while they were gone for the afternoon. The hardest part of the visit had been getting our five year old to go, as he insisted Dad had locked him out of the house.

My mother made chop suey and egg rolls. My stomach didn't know what to do with real food, the curry made my tummy warm and fussy.

He texted me that the kids were done eating, so I went to get them. That's ere he told me he didn't want a divorce and he doesn't like my blog. I than explained that me writing on my public journal is not any different than me going to a coffee house and talking to a gaggle of my cousins and friends. He didn't seem to understand that the thing he dislikes most about the blog happens everyone a spouse goes and tells their family about the other.

He also didn't seem to understand that the biggest problem he has right now is the fear he has created in me and our kids. It the main reason the trust has been broken and he reason I gave for he needing to leave the house and not live with me right now. The examples given had been said before and just as before he claimed I had never told him those things. It's incredibly frustrating to hear you never said that before. It incredibly frustrating to hear I will go to counseling, when the promise has been empty for so long.

It's really hard to deal with the excuses of why he hasn't gone. It's hard to understand why anyone would think it would be different, especially my mother. I believe she doesn't understand how things can look so good from the outside and be bad underneath.

On day six he text me requesting the sleeping bag from my step fathers shed. It set up a nearly impossible task with the time table of 40 minutes. He asked at 645 am. The big problem was the camping gear is buried. He should have known that, but I guess it just slipped his mind. After getting he kids up and out of bed, I emptied out the shed. It took me about 35 minutes to get out the camping gear, barely making it out in time for him and the kids to go to school.

He officially vacated the apartment so kids and I can stop sleeping on he floor. We returned home and I put back all their clothing. Unbelievably exhausted I went to sleep with the kids after reading the story

Day four....

2012-01-21T22:00:00.001-07:00

Today was a whirlwind! My baby is still sick, though the fever seems to be breaking. He hasn't been more than 100 all day! When this kid gets sick; he really gets sick. He took two naps today! Yeah me I got to shower and wash a load of laundry!

I checked the bank balance, and just as one would suspect the bank account is broke. A tiny bummer because my oldest wanted to buy a toy for his friends birthday party. :(. I took the two older boys to the party where they jumped and jumped to their hearts delight! It was a family style birthday, the kind that reminded me of my dysfunctional cousins from back when we lives on the south aide of town. If you've got no clue what I am talking about imagine this: a bouncey house in the front, music blasting in English and Spanish, baroque grilling, rented tables and chairs lining the front driveway And all the neighborhood kids running around.
My kids enjoyed themselves, had fun with the piñata and ate ice cream cake till they got ice creAm headaches! Being a south side family type party I came home with two burgers with all the toppings, four hot dogs, extra cake, a bag of juicy and ripe oranges, and half a dozen juice boxes. I forgot to mention the pound of candy!

I browsed the residential streets of Peoria. I tell my kids it treasure hunting. I drive around looking for something good in the stuff that wealthier people throw out on bulk trash collection. Last year I found a nice tv stand that is being used to hold all the other equipment in the living room. I didn't find anything today. :(

Positive note my klout score increased this weekend. If you don't know about klout.com you might want to try them out. It's a way to see how influential you are online. It is actually interesting to learn what make them go up and what has no effect.

I know what your wondering...Did she go home? What happened since yesterday? Not much interaction. But ha has placed a rebuttal in the comments to my last few days of post. Just as before I have made the decision to leave the comments unedited. They are there for all to read if you'd like. Other than that there was no actual progress or any set backs for the day.

I did spend sometime taking some of those Cosmo type quizzes about should you get a divorce, Lack of surprise they all said I should except for the quiz on Dr. Phil. As far as I can tell only one or two percent of the divorced would meet Dr. Phil's standard to get a divorce. So he either thinks nearly all relationships can be saved or thinks most people are far more mature and level headed than we are.

Day three...

2012-01-21T07:30:00.001-07:00

Exhausted last night. My two year old is still feverish. I called the urgent care clinic back because he had developed a bad cough and they requested I bring him back.

I didn't have a car or a stroller. I considered walking the mile and buying a stroller after the appointment at the nearby Target and taking a cab. Both seemed like poor options. I sent a text message to my estranged husband asking to bring me the Car. Seeing as how he hadn't responded to the previous text about the kids being ill I didn't hold out much hope. I prepared to walk.

Surprise! He text back saying he would be over in five. He arrived.

The next five minutes were the most awkward in all the history of our marriage. Absolute silence and the longest red light of my life; longer than any red light on Grand Ave as a train passes by.

Long end to the story I got the keys and the car back! I took my baby back to the urgent care where I was instructed to keep giving the antibiotics and add a cortisteroid and over counter cough syrup. My five year old went to school for the first time this week, Friday. And my eight year old added coughing to his cold.

Day two...

2012-01-19T21:41:00.001-07:00

Another day. I am quite convinced this seperation will end in divorce. I have accepted what my conselors, family and friends have know for years, that my husband is an abuser. No I don't have physical bruises, but I have the kind you can't see....

He remains in his rage mode. He did not go to school or work today. I am certain he did this because he was afraid I would steal my own car.

Because he did not leave the house today I was forced to get a police escort into my own home so I could get a few more clothes for my kids. When we arrived it was obvious that he had just been smoking Mary Jane, but the officer didn't arrest him. He still refuses to hand over the car keys. He actually removed the keys from my key ring just so I couldn't have them.

The kids are doing well. Perhaps they feel safe here at my mothers house. We don't have beds here. The kids are sleeping on an air mattress and still enjoying it, for now.

They are safely tucked in bed. I am sticking as closely to our routine as I can. I kept the promise to take them to Peter Piper Pizza for the school fundraiser. My mother drove us. I believe she is petrified he could do something unpredictable. We will be changing the locks and garage codes.

Strangely I am calmer than i was when staying with him. Weird feeling being at peace. Not worried I didn't do it good enough. Not worried I forgot to take the trash out, sweep the floor, hang clean towels in the bathroom or the mess the kids made in their room.

Day one

2012-01-18T21:52:00.001-07:00

Today I said the D-word. I believe I am at the end of my marriage as there seems to be no hope my husband plans on improving the situation or even admitting he has a role in this drama.

I am and have always been open. I've alway blurted what was rambling along in my head so I will continue to write this blog.

I tried to retrieve my house keys and my car but failed. I succeeded in recovering my kids and a few days clothes. I told him I want him out and that I wAnt a divorce. He is still in an uncontrolled rage. I took my phone when I took the kids.

My kids were sick. My five year old continued to have a cough with a mild fever and my two year old had broken out with a rash over night with his continued fever. As soon as I saw the rash I took all the kids to urgent care. Turns out the five year olds cough turned into bronchitis and that the two year old hAs Scarlett fever. I have strep throat and my eight year old has a cold developing.

I sent my husband a text but did not receive a response.

I've returned to my mothers house. The kids told me about how angry their dad was. He said irrational things to them and did not read them a bedtime story like he usually does.

Exhausted after the two trips to the old Cvs for Tylenol and antibiotics. My kids are enjoying sleeping on the air mattress, but I know soon they will be asking when we can go home.

Happy Birthday.... Should you call the cops?!!

2012-01-17T22:21:00.000-07:00

Well I am starting to think my birthday is just a bad day. Last year my car had been broken into. That should be one of the earliest post on this blog. It sucked. I spent the day calling banks, notifying all kinds of people and dealing with the Police. This year also sucked, only much worse!

Instead of having a birthday party, which no one offered to throw for me. I spent the day caring for two sick kids. Yeah, I know it sucks to spend the day at home with a pukey kid, let alone two. Both kids started the day with fevers, and christening me in their vomit. I changed my clothes 4 times due to the festivities and bathed twice. I did 4 loads of bedding covered in bright red vomit. My fault, I gave my kids red Kool Aid. Still quite gross.

So that was bad. And any normal person would be like that sucks! Can I please have a do over?! But the day got much worse.

As I write this posting I am quite confused. I would say BEFUDDLED if the word didn't seem to be so light-hearted, but alas, I sit before you confused, flaberghasted, appalled and baffled, and befuddled.

Sick kids is bad. I started to feel a little sick myself this afternoon, also bad. But it was a Tuesday, and in my house that means Cub Scouts from 6:30-8:00pm at the local church. Today was slightly different than our usual, take the kids and supervise them as they learn Boy Things like tying knots, it was a parent meeting. So that sounds really boring. And I supposed if I was not an active Committee Member it would be. I took on the role of Lake Pleasant District Council Scout-O-Rama Chair and Pack 293 Scout-O-Rama Chair, so tonight I had a lot to talk about. Its big. Its fun. Its a thing worth doing. Unfortunately, I'd spent the day caring for sick kids and had forgotten all about the flyers I wanted to make, so in typical ADHD fashion I started making the flyer at 5:45pm when we need to be in the car by 6:10 and on our way. 5:45 is usually when I start getting kids and shoes paired together with anything else like jackets and dues.

So I made my flyers. I spoke, parents were not fans of the Assumptive Sales Plans or that volunteering for 4 hour shifts would be a bit different this year. We talked about the goal of getting 75% of the Scouts to participate in the fundraiser and what participation qualified as. So, I talked alot and so did some of the other parents that have been the Scout-O-Rama Chair in the past. Before this started I had texted my husband that I wanted Carolina's for dinner. No I never sent a message stating what dish I wanted. The meeting had started and I was not in a position to look down and read text, as I was a presenter.

I called when the meeting finally finished and asked if he had gotten food. He said yes, so I went home with 2 sick kids and a very excited Cub Scout who had just learned he would be going to Camp Digalus. I gathered my things and pushed the kids inside with the expectation of delicious mexican food for me. Only there was no food for me. I put my phone down on the dock station in my bedroom, as I do by a forced habit. (I've lost my phone many times!) I came out of the room and asked the question any other hungry birthday girl would ask, "Where's my food?" Was I smiling? No, I was confused and famished. Was there an air of attitude? Possibly, but not enough to trigger what happened....

There was an explosion of rage in my house. Not the first time this has happened, as I have told you in the past my husband has a way of simply exploding with little warning. Having just walked in the door and still feeling a tad feverish, my eyes got huge like an animal who sees the on comming headlights of a distant car. He screamed at me, I am sure the neighbors heard. I yelled back, "What did I do?!!!" He screamed more about how I didn't respond to his text message! And how was he supposed to know I didn't eat?!! I attempted to explain what I did at the Cub Scouts Parent Meeting and how I didn't know he sent me a text because I was leading a group. Then he ranted about how he can't respond to text messages and my phone calls at work! (Bewildered and hungry I reached for my purse and grabbed my keys) I said if you needed me to tell you, you should have called. I started walking outside as He screamed more, and stammered to his food wadded it up and throw uneatten, perfectly good food in to the garbage can as if he was celebrating a game winning touch down. Floored by the tempertantrum I continued walking out to go get myself my birthday dinner. He Screamed wildly about how he would go get it for me. I declined, and Said, "No, I will get my food. "

I made it to the car. I didn't run. But perhaps I should have. I started the car began closing the door, when he swung it back open. With the engine running, I buckled my seat belt and told him to leave so I could close the door. Some very unwitty banter happened. Then he reached across me and yanked the keys out of the ignition. He ran. Ran back into the house and locked the door!

Can you believe that? I was locked out of my own home, with my kids trapped inside. I banged on the door, shouted about my cell phone being inside. He briefly returned to the door to scold me like a child and slam the door again! Left out in the cold, crying. Unable to understand what had just happened, cold hungry. I pleaded to let me in, but nothing. Just the sound of my sick two year old crying.

I went to the car, the door still unlocked, looked for a coat. I stood there, baffled. Angry, I left. I began the 1 mile walk to my mothers house. I didn't have a phone so I could not call anyone for advice. As I approached the Circle K on the corner I considered asking them to call the Police. Upset, I continued walking towards my mothers house. I was one block from her house when she drove up.

2 hours later, I am still wondering should I call the cops? Should I go take the kids? What would you do? How do you explain this to 3 frightened kids?

New Years Resolutions....

2012-01-17T01:00:00.000-07:00

On the other things I've been thinking about since my last post back in December, or January. I can't actually remember but I know I wanted to talk about New Years Resolutions.

Lets start with the obvious

I want to be lighter on the scale and have a smaller pant size. A long time ago, like the month before I became pregnant with my first kid, I was a size 8. That is a really good size. I admit I looked like a Barbie Doll, with my big Dolly Parton Size boobs! But I worked at a Bikini Bar, so I guess you could say I was really into exercising. And As for looking like Dolly Parton, that goes back to the first wish I ever made, back in the second grade. Why an 8 year old wished for Boobs like Dolly Parton, I don't know, perhaps some crazy shrink has an answer, like I spent too much time looking at my Dad's Playboys.

I want to be more vigilant when it comes to posting updates on my blog. I like to write on this. I like it. It's a little like seeing your name in lights on the Theater Marque. It's a bit of fun. It's great for reliving stress. It's also great for avoiding doing things like moping the floor or putting pants on my two year old. I guess I am saying I would like to post each week, in my fantasy world I would post everyday, but really who would be reading that?

I also want my finances to make sense. You know, the check book balances, and you don't overdraw your checking account on a regular basis. I would also like to have cash in the savings account that is actually for savings and not to pay the overdraft fee. So maybe I need a budget? Then again that sounds oh so boring.

I want to earn money in my new career. My new boss seems to be great. She is organized or seems to be. She is understanding and seems to understand my reluctance to jump right in and WIN, to quote Charley Sheen. She also seems to understand basic math and that things like paying for child care are expensive if you are not generating an income to replace what you used.

I want to exercise. Before I got my crazy boss I was doing well. Not fabulous. I wasn't loosing 2 pounds a week or anything. But I was feeling better. Now, I don't know if it was all the crazy boss or a bit of the winter blues, but I stopped, and now I feel flabby.

I want to be organized. You know like those people you admire, the ones that are never late and never need to apologize for the Linus like chaos that follows them. I want to be prepared, I want to know what I need, what I need to do to get it, and who I need help from. It's weird, I just want to feel like normal people do. Normal people rarely suffer from deer in headlights syndrome.

Adult Content: Dude you know you want this crap.

I want to replace my Vib. I miss my vib. It made the kids antics less, frustrating, if only for a minute. Lets face it I have a short attention span, and spending more than 10 minutes with the Vib or my husband leads to loss of interest. Or maybe its just wandering interest. I am certain my husband appreciates that in the middle of it, I am suddenly thinking about the grocery list, or that email, or the clothes that need to be mended. Or maybe I am just in outer space, I have know idea, its sorta random, ranging from all the chores I didn't do, the kids, the car, the job, the education, my dry lips(both), the dogs, the weird shadow on the ceiling, how itchy the sheets feel, or how I need to change positions again.

Anyway, why do people make Resolutions? Aren't they usually forgotten by the end of January? Is it because they don't have a plan or people to hold them accountable. Are they even good?

So what are my steps? Dude, you do know I have ADHD? And maybe a bit OCD. Yeah, I get upset when my hairspray is not in its proper place or someone moves the Paprika from the place I last put it. Yeah, I have ideas. No I don't have them written out.

Oh, I also want to write out the house rules. Ask my why. Maybe I will write it later. Just like the steps to finish the New Years Resolutions.....

To buy or not to buy?

2012-01-16T18:35:00.001-07:00

It sounds like an easy answer, just buy a house. Lately, I have been having doubts. I keep wondering why would buying a house right now be bad? Should we wait? Is there good advice on what the best course of action is? Didn't I read about what the right thing to do is in a book called the Two Income Trap? I am sure I did. I just don't know. Worse, my husband is willing to go any way I suggest without letting me know if he has concerns... He hasn't even been blown away by listing from the Internet either.

Oh, no my grumpy, fat, neighbor is not dead. I guess that was just wishful thinking on my part.

So I have looked and guessed based on information on the Internet about how much we could afford and if we would qualify. The answers are we will qualify, but not until March 11, 2012-exactly 2 years and 1 day since our Chapter 7 Bankruptcy was finalized, and maybe as much as $100,000 for a home loan. I know we can qualify. I know we need to wait about 60 days from today. I know that homes with 3 or 4 bedrooms exist in my current neighborhood for less than $100K, but not in my kids school boundaries! I know that this neighborhood lacks bus transportation, and is far from all my friends, and the majority of my dysfunctional extended family. I also know that the location is close to entertainment, dinning, and of course the freeway.

What I don't know is if this is a good thing to do right now. Should we wait another year? Should we pay off all the credit card debt with our tax refund instead of using it as a down payment on a home? If we pay off all the outstanding Credit Card Debt and the $5,000 I owe to University of Phoenix, I can go back to school. And maybe finish my degree this time around. But we would not have a house. We would be stuck in the same 900SQFT apartment that we are outgrowing! I have no space for an office, or quiet space to run and hide to when I have a bad day. Now if you think the loo is a good quiet place you obviously do not have little kids! Worse we have all three boys in the same bedroom.

The same 3 boys that were spoiled last month for Christmas have little space to play on the floor. As a result we find them playing in the living room, the kitchen, Mom and Dad's room, the bathrooms, the walk-in closets and outside on the patio. Their room is difficult to keep clean, mostly because everything needs a place and many times those things are sharing overcrowded shelves. They have too many clothes.

My husband has his desk in our Bedroom, which also triples as the workout room, sewing room, storage shed, and pantry for all those water bottles and juice boxes the kids drink. Our storage closet outside, barely holds our Christmas tree and decorations. Each of our bedrooms have a walk-in closet, and they are stuffed with extra things that would normally go in a garage or storage shed for long term storage.

I'd bet your saying...Doesn't she claim to be poor? How on Earth can she be talking about buying a house when she has been to the food bank twice in the last 2 months? How can someone who is on Medicaid be buying a house? The truth is the bank account is still empty, were still on Medicaid for health insurance and still can't buy all the things the kids got for Christmas. But I am expecting a large enough tax return that I could either pay off all the debts we now have or use it as a 10-20% down payment on a low cost house. FYI the houses I have been looking at are listed at 50-80K. Also I am trying to work, though that seems to be extremely part-time right now.

As you can see there are many reasons to move to a bigger location, and possibly a home of our own. But what are the reasons this is a bad time or bad idea? What does Dave Ramsey suggest? Things I haven't mentioned is that is the number one thing on my wish list, the number two thing is the Neat Receipts scanner.

And just when things seem to be going well. A kid falls of the counter and lands face first... Though not the one you would have thought, it was the 8 year old.

Merry Christmas... And did my neighbor kill his wife?

2011-12-25T16:30:00.001-07:00

Merry Christmas! I live in a family where all the grandkids have been spoiledyet, again. It the same thing every year is kids tell our parents not to bring home the biggest, most popular expensive toys. And each year they completely ignore that. So what did they get that makes us kids believe our kids are spoiled? Well 8 grand kids got an iPad2, 3 Nintendo 3ds, well actually 4 Nintendo 3ds because my dad gown one from work, an android telephone, a Flip video camera, an electric guitar, a Barbie Power Wheels, new bunk beds a few loads of new laundry and so much other stuff. So yes we have managed to spoil 8 kids! The sad thing is each of os parents is just as guilty as our own parents for exceeding the credit limits set on our credit cards. So I am not blameless and neither are my sisters. How did we get this way? Not sure, but we all learned to overshop over achieve and be fiercely competitive. Maybe that is just the American way. Being a consumer slave keeps the world going and if not for our family the economy would simply collapse.

Speaking of too many toys... My usually very cross neighbor actually spoke to me. It was quite pleasant. And they had a big box full of toys that no child was enjoying. I simply had so much trouble saying no to a box of free toys. I secretly thought what kinda crap they have? I'd probably just give them to the salvation army or the crisis nursery. Unfortunately, they were good, really good and my kids want to keep them. How am I gonna get these toys to kids that are not spoiled? Do I do it in the dark of night? Do burglar my own kids?

So late at night i am laying in bed pondering the very idea of stealing the very nice toys from my kids and giving them to underprivileged kids. That's when I heard an argument billowing from my wall. My usually cross neighbor was back to her bitter self and yelling again at her docile husband. All of a sudden he had a voice! Loud and menacing he argued back at her! Following this roar I heard a loud sound. Was it a slap? Was it a pistol shot? Was it something equally sinister like a frying pan? I don't know. I just know the only sound that has emanated since has been a hard silence.

Southwest Gas rate hike of 7.7 percent OK'd by regulators

2011-12-14T11:20:00.000-07:00

Southwest Gas rate hike of 7.7 percent OK'd by regulators

This makes me angry and I don't even have a Gas Bill! THis is crazy. The state regulators of energy decided to allow a raise in the cost of Natural Gas purchased through Southwest Gas of nearly 8%! Why? Oh because of greater use of energy efficient appliances they are not selling as much Natural Gas as they used to! How about they get better at cutting cost and using the resources they have? And why such a large hike? Why can't it just increase yearly with the rate of local or national inflation. Hitting folk with that large of a hike is crazy! When I had Southwest Gas in the old house it was nearly $200 a month an 8% increase adds up, really, really fast. It may not seem like a whole bunch, at 7.7% on a $200.00 month bill is just $15.54. Of course there happen to 12 months in a year, so that is just under $200 extra a year per household for Southwest Gas.

How the day was spent

2011-12-06T17:43:00.001-07:00

So. Well. Huh. I guess those are the words I like best.

I thought I was gonna do something. Not sure what, I was gonna do because I did not have a plan. Though this was not it. The day started with a terrific headache. It turns out 2+ glasses of wine are not that good for me. They make me uckey! I can't remember the last time I was hung over, and now I hope that I can forget this one and never do it again. Of course everytime we people drink too much we always say I will never do that again. No I did not throw up. I just had an awful headach that took hours and several Exedrines to clear up.

I learned today that Cub Scouts has changed back to Tuesdays. Which is a good thing. Those Thursdays were starting to get too stressful due to conflicting demands. I am a tad bit crazy, I am sure you are nodding your head to that one. I volunteered for a Chair position with the Grand Canyon Boy Scouts. I am absolutely certain I am in over my head. I just don't know how much. Since that required me to be somewhere else at the same time I was supposed to be supervising my kids while my Bear Cub participated on Thursday nights. This is really a good thing for me. I also had our Cub Scout Pack 293 Parent Committee Meetings 1 Thursday a month, also at the same time as the den meeting. So I think its really good.

I Spent my day chasing a toddler with a head cold who thought it was a great idea to run in the sprinklers in 50 degree weather while dragging a long haired dog. Yeah, the dog really enjoyed that, ( totally sarcastic).

Then I finally remembered to take my antidepressant, which I have started to see some improvement from. Its not gonna change me, its just gonna help kick me out of bed and into the shower a few hours earlier and possibly more than once in a week. I took that. I made lunch for the soaked toddler and blow dryed the fluffy and smelly dog. Wished it was warmer.

Got the toddler to take a nap, though I fell asleep with him for a while. Then finally checked the emails I wanted to check hours earlier. Realized that the Cub Scouts Den meeting had been changed, and that I have a doctors appointment Wednesday morning. Checked up with my Boy Scout Executive to learn what I needed to do for Thursday night. Found out I will be speaking publicly about Scout O Rama which happens in April. Prayed for sanity. Edited the Scout-O-Rama video so ti would only run 1 minute instead of 4 minutes. Then made the 8 year old cook hot dogs for dinner so we could go to the Cub Scouts Den Meeting. Go. Go. Go.

Sleep. No. Still want to do a thousand things. If only I could remember what they were so I could plan for tommorow.

sigh

2011-12-03T15:20:00.001-07:00

yada, yada, yada.

Oh how I wish this thing was just connected directly to my brain. Then it would be updated all the time. So many things I have wanted to write about and I even had good drafts in my head, but alas, that is how ADHD works.

What seems so simple and easy for others, like just sitting down and tying a good know for your sneakers is just not simple for us. As you may have already guessed I am still full of self doubt and pity. Can't seem to shake the depressed feeling or the constant overwhelming anxiety. All the time, that constant paranoia feeling you are just doing it wrong. Absolutely positive everyone hates you for your behavior. No matter how you try you just can't hide that you underneath all the well meaning "yes, I can". Somehow you just don't meet the expectations of others, let alone yourself.

Why is it that today expectations are constantly in flux? Shouldn't things be predictable? I know I am not predictable! But anyway, what is normal? I know its not what the media reports... Does everyone feel this way? Does everyone have trouble remembering where they put the keys? Or that the water boiling on the stove needs to be attended to? Don't all parents forget to change a dirty diaper once in a while? Or forget to feed the pets?

Everyone else seems to have it all together. That drives me insane!! I want to know what I want so I can go get it. I want to remember to take the dog for a walk or do that thing I can't remember I wanted to do. Of course I will remember when I am 10 miles a way, late for what ever it is, when the baby needs to be changed from the stinky diaper and the 5 year old is screaming about how the baby hit him and the 8 year old is busy being the parent, not to mention we are in the car, so I can't possibly write it down. So I drive repeating to myself that thing I wanted to do, repeatedly and unknowingly cutting other drivers off, screaming, "shut up! I can't drive with all this noise", and forgetting we were going somewhere specific which we were late to, and parking the car in front of my house because I lost the garage remote again.

So how

2011-11-17T10:30:00.001-07:00

Do you convince a new boss that they are that tiny push over the edge and that it can be changed? Don't know. I didn't succeed, so instead I will have to figure out how to change so that is not the thing that pushes me over the edge.

Not sure how one explains something that is all in your head to someone who doesn't have it all in their head.... Huh. So, new job looks like it is a perfect fit, and I still believe it really is the perfect job. It is the job I was intended to do, I know, God has been giving me clues for years, but now I am stuck in the mire of generalized anxiety disorder and an obvious dip back into the deep end of the depression pool. Its hard to explain what you feel when just breathing seems like an overwhelming challenge when the person you want to understand seem just so perfectly capable of handling things the world has dealt. It does not seem like my boss is the one covered in monkey pooh. Somehow his monkey is obedient or just has really bad aim.

So I work on my plan. If you don't have a focus problem creating a plan on the go, that deals with long term forecasting and goal setting is probably something you can handle between phone calls, dirty diapers, parent teacher conferences, and urgent family needs. But if you have that problem of controlling Your Elephant-read that in a book called Switch, I highly recommend people in charge of others read that, maybe you need to decided what you want the elephant to do before you get on. So that leads me to a really long drawn out business plan, with numbers, and statements about what strengths I have; at a time when I feel like I have none. Statements about what the future could look like with a bit of effort, you know the stuff that requires you to get off the couch, maybe answer the phone, check some emails and go out and meet some new people. Mostly it requires me to know what I want, know what that looks like and know how I will know I have achieved that. All a tall order, but I believe critical for me to actually do what my boss desires, a smiling productive agent that is not as stressed out as I am right now.

So, I guess this was my break. I should get back to the process of saying what I want, so I can figure out how to get it and declare when I have succeeded.

Ahhhhhh!

2011-11-10T22:27:00.001-07:00

hello bereft....

would love to contact you and chat a bit on the difficulties of love and all the really important life stuff.

actually been thinking about it awhile, but an old devil called generalized anxiety has been plaguing me of late.

I noticed that your not listed as a follower or was it registered user..? Anyway I can't contact you because of one of those reasons.

Everyone else;

Yeah I haven't been keeping this up very well lately. Yes, I started a new job. I really like the job. As I was telling bereft, this old devil I used to know has possessed me. Things are difficult enough in general, even with out ADHD, but that whole anxiety thing is quite paralyzing. Actually, looked at all the drugs underneath my sink and couldn't decide which one to try again, or if I should just take some benadryl, or call my family doc, or the clinic that provides the ADHD medication, which then lead me to wonder why I had an extra bottle of Adderall ER and Adderall under there. Have I been missing the doses that often? Did I somehow get my script filled twice? What the hell? Why was I freaking out 2 months ago because I was running out? Was it always there? I know I miss it a couple of times a month, but I take it with the birth control and the little blister pack shows only a few missed ones!?
So then their is trying to explain what an anxiety disorder is to new people, new people I work with, who instead of being helpful actually became so overwhelming that looking at emails, the ringing cell phone, that beeping text message, just made me hide; not want to hide, actually hide. How do you explain it when their is no logic? And then you go and screw other things up like a friendship, because your trying to express how envious you are of their situation, which they think just sucks, and make them all mad. Dude, don't think she liked me very much or even accepted that I tried to apologize, or understood I wasn't being mean, just trying to say how very lucky she really was, because if she had experienced what I had she wouldn't think I was being condescending, or whatever she thought. Gees, this sucks. How do you explain that to people? How do you apologize for something that you don't actually have control over? How do you explain that even if you could take a pill to make it all go away, you would need to wait until the next available appointment at the clinic--which is a very long, long, time from now. Sure, you can try and tell me just say your sorry, but reality is ADHD makes things difficult for co-workers and anxiety just makes you seem like a non-caring ass-hole because you can't answer the phone. Never mind, that you haven't slept or eaten anything of substance for weeks, and just now figured that out, or that you literally threw up when they called and you ignored the quacking ring that was just too cute a few weeks ago. Yes, I already know I just can't do anything right. I get it. My marriage sucks, I can't manage working, I can't manage housework, I can't afford to feed the family now that food stamps were taken away. That was something I wanted, I wanted to stand on my own two feed and be rid of the State Welfare system. Yeah, but now I am freaking out! How do you feed a family, when you don't actually have a steady paycheck, you owe possibly thousands to a babysitter, but are so stressed by just knowing you owe money that you can't add it up to find out how bad it really is?!! You say yeah just take a Valium and sleep on it. I so would if I had them or the courage to just take a little magic pill. Oh, and I read a book, one given to me by Parent Partners, who help people manage the social worker and education system so that things they need are taken care of, like an IEP for a kid, or speech therapy. The book was the Jenny McCarthy book, Louder than Words, which really made me feel even more guilty about what I missed along the way, things that you know would have or should have made me say hey this is what is wrong and why I think my kid needs some help before its too late! Yeah, I felt very guilty, angry, though I eagerly read the whole book in a few hours. I didn't feel joy, I picked up on all the bad things parents with children who aren't quite normal go through, like the avoiding friends-until they aren't friends anymore, not going to play groups, being terrified of regular preschool because you know kids are not politically correct, their blunt, they just come out and say it. Oh, I don't know if this helps anyone understand what a paralyzing thing anxiety can become in your life. And you don't know how bad it is until you are negatively impacting everyone around you.

New blogger app on phone

2011-10-13T07:39:00.001-07:00

Like the blogger on the phone. Loving ios 5 updates. Love shinny and new. Its like steve jobs sent us a gift from heaven.

A fustration

2011-10-09T16:03:00.000-07:00

Hello World! Again.

As always my life is crazy. Too busy to remember if I brushed my teeth before I left the house and too tired at the end of the day to care.

Yes I am a Mom. I have three little boys of wonder that break or outgrow everything. Three little boys that make life wonderful and difficult to focus on at the same time. They keep me busy, they make so much laundry, they eat so much food, and require so much time and energy. That is the job of kids, afterall!

Yes I took on a new business. Call me crazy, but when you can't find a job, you make one. That is how this capitalist society works. If you want something you find a way to get it. I am glad I did. I have an old friend that used to constantly tell me, "Just be like a duck, and let it all bead off your feathers." Thanks, Nathan, I am now a Duck, an AFLAC duck. My new job is fun and full of adventure, most important it is never the same twice.

Yes I am a Wife. I have a husband of nearly 9 years. I am very much unhappy and have been for a good long while. I need what every spouse needs, a little bit of conversation. Every marriage needs communication, honest, free flowing, open and productive. This has not been the case in my marriage for a long time. If you think a lack of communication is not important than you have never lived your life without it.

What I have in my marriage today is a man that grunts like a caveman, the word "fine" and lots of silence in between those two sounds. If you are a man and you are reading this learn this: sexually satisfied with your wife, does not mean your marriage is in good shape. It simply means your wife is avoiding another sore spot in her life.

What I also have in my marriage today is a great imbalance. I have a man who not only doesn't talk with me, doesn't even look at me, he just sits and stares at his computer/iPhone/laptop, he doesn't speak positively with his boys because he simply screams about how their room is such a mess. I have a man that doesn't even think their is a problem in our marriage. I have all the duties of the house, the cooking, cleaning, laundry, the taxing of children, the homework duties with kids, the bath time routine, the paying the bills, the trips to the doctors offices, urgent care, the notifying the Super that the apartment needs maintance, the taking of the garbage out, the grocery shopping, the price comparisons, the couponing, the budgeting, the dreaming and planning, the religion and faith building of three little boys, the potty training, the sick kid duties, and the list could go on for days... This is my imbalance.

This brought me to the question: "What exactly do you (my husband) bring to this equation?" A paycheck? Who cares money is not love, compassion, commitment. What Sex? In case you forgot, I am a young woman capable of saying hey I am ready to any man on the street; and chances are very good that more than one would be available when I called. So really what are you bringing? What do you do that makes my life worth living with you?

Realistically, I am already doing 98% of the daily needs in the house, so you not living in the same house would not drastically change anything except who reads the bedtime story to the kids. Would asking your wife how her day was and looking her in the eyes really be so difficult that you couldn't do it? Or is it frightening that if you talk with her, you might actually carry some of the daily Needs load, which would lead to a less exhausted wife, who then might feel like being that dirty housewife when the kids are asleep...

Another New Job, American Family Life Assurance Company, better known as AFLAC

2011-09-12T15:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I decided that the other company was not for me. There were many, many reasons, the first being that I could not list my company name on my Facebook, Twitter, Linked In, or anything else. They were afraid of Social Media and had decided that all people over the age of 50 do not use computers, email, social media and they are absolutely certain that all computers are opening them up for identity theft. Crazy, I know!

Everyone else in the working world has learned that email, text messaging, social media and electronic signatures are more secure than paper carried in my car. So, I looked for a company that will allow me to be me and has a viable business that I can make a profit in. The company I think best meets my needs for a flexible job, an income, and the ability to say where I work online.

I know, I had just started at the other place, but really their was more than one reason to look elsewhere. I decided I needed a company that had longevity, long-term employees, flexibility, future growth, and a product that is in a market I am already in: under 65. Though I think that I could make some good money in the Retiree market, I think that I need to learn far more about them then would allow me to make significant money quickly. So, I jumped to start with The Duck, because I understand small business, and most small business owners are under 50 and have a lot in common with me. Having something you can talk about other than your product is critical for starting a long-term relationship with clients.

Anyway, I remain overwhelmed, and under productive due to a computer snafu! Frustrating. So much I want to learn and do!

What I will be doing as an AFLAC Agent: I will be offering Employers a way to lower Business Tax Liability, ease Benefit programs management, and provide employees with critical life planning products for that just in case circumstance. My job will be in Employer and Employee Education to reduce their risks in life.

A question. What would you do?

2011-08-26T15:41:00.000-07:00

What to say... I am stressed again. It's a never ending roller coaster of self-doubt and optimist hope about the future.

Right now I have a case of the I don't want to do anything. I am content doing nothing but surfing the internet and reading books while I avoid making any decisions. The list of I need to's, was getting shorter but has started to grow again. The list of I want to's has begun to befuddle me. My list of want to's reminds me of an episode of 'Hoarders' where the stuff is about to bury alive the occupants. Grr...

A slight bit of frustration regarding my inability to make a decision presides over me. It should be easy. For heaven sakes just do a SWOT analysis, that is what my brain shouts when I am driving and need to be somewhere on-time. WIth no time to stop and start a SWOT my brain quickly forgets something important that should be done and needs to be a priority. Grr....

So I was at the grocery store and I used one of those self check out machines. I needed cash so I could pay the electric bill. I selected $40 and retrieved if from the machine to find $50. I counted it three times, I double checked my receipt, then I asked the supervising cashier to count it. Sure, enough there was $50. I gave it to her and said that someone either forgot to pick up their $10.00 or the machine gave me extra money. Should I have kept it? And why weren't the kids their to see me doing the right thing? Oh, right it was like 9:30 at night and I was there for milk, bread, and beer.
So, I get where I am going and the questions I need answered aren't fully taken care of. I get the first and the second question out and then I am suddenly overwhelmed by the need to take in the information and answer the questions it now poses.

On the new job front: I have serious doubts about the place I am working at. I have some doubts about my abilities which I think only come from the place I am at. I still think I can be a great success in Sales, err, insurance sales. I think I have the natural ability to look and see problems, unfortunately I don't know how to answer them all, and the follow up on questions that can't be answered today is a bit poor. Boorish! It bothers me that I forget to follow up with people, or fail to be loud and persistent enough to get all the answers right away. Which suddenly reminds me about a section in a book I was reading called "is it You, Me or Adult A.D.D.?"that people with ADHD seem to have two different ways of prioritizing; Now and Not Now. Unfortunately, I am beginning to see that pattern, things are either immediately important and I must hurry and do it right now; everything else falls away when this happens. Things like the laundry don't get started or finished, books are suddenly left on the floor as I go to answer the phone, or read some Facebook message. If it doesn't need to be done right now, I usually forget about it. Like when I have known for weeks about a doctors appointment and keep repeating the date and time, the day finally comes and the time arrives and I am doing something else that needs to be done right now, like buy some ice cream sundaes.

Logic says that I shouldn't be doing that. But somehow my brain has completely forgotten about that thing it was repeating for weeks at the time its needed.

Oh, back to the doubts about where I am a contracted Insurance agent. So I took this job, mostly because it sounds really interesting, involves constant changing scenery, meeting new people, and a wild and extravagant lifestyle that seems achievable with it. But my doubts arise from the fact that the office management, while veterans, they are not veterans with the company. The result is many questions go unanswered or are superficially answered. The office is also all married men with stay at home brides. Which has worked to their great advantage. Their wife is home taking care of paying the bills, waiting for the plumber, and carting the kids every which way they need, while they are able to focus 100% on the job every day they work. This has lead to a severe deficiency in our ability to relate to each other when talking about efforts to grow our individual books of business. Bummer, when you boss tells you that you need to make more dials, more appointments and be available for your new clients even on Cub Scout nights and Saturday when you were really busy washing the laundry, grocery shopping, taking the kids to the library, potty training the 2 year old and somehow getting the toilet cleaned. Worse still the 2 Field Trainers that were charged with showing me how to be a successful insurance agent, suddenly quit. Bad right? Well, they then badder still the boss men were too busy doing things that did not focus on me, err, the new hirers, and we were basically left to try and figure it out on our own. What did they do to mend this terrible situation? They promoted a man who has been with the company for about 7 months to trainer and another who has just 4 weeks more time at the company.

So my bosses don't relate to being the chief parent/mom, they don't satisfy my questions with complete answers, they fail to take us on appointments to show us how this job is to be done, they promote people with no experience to trainers, and even worse they hired a new crop that also need the same limited resource I do, them. I am sure they also plan on hiring another class to start next month too, which just makes it seem like a bad thing.

To be clear, as of this moment I have not quit. Though I admit I have taken a 2 day sabbatical to evaluate this place. But I did look at a competitor that seems to be in a better position to facilitate my learning experience and build an actual career as an Insurance Sales person. I also began searching the job sites today to see what other options I might have. It does kinda feel nice to have my biggest problems being that my ring is in danger of falling off, my clothes are too big and I can choose where I commit to work. Oh, I am also thinking about taking a seasonal job doing taxes in addition to insurance sales. So, What would you do? Would you take the job with the other company that seems better able to answer your questions and train you for success or would you wait it out and see if someone suddenly becomes successful where you are so you can emulate them?

potty training and not throwing up

2011-08-22T18:22:00.000-07:00

hi! So I have been complaining about being busy and I still am. I have been working for nearly 2 months in the Insurance Business for a company I am loosing faith in.

Since potty training is far more interesting than self doubt lets talk about that. First my baby boy Danny finally turned 2 last Sunday! Yea! I just wish he was already potty trained. Since he is not and he seems to know how to hold it, I took away his diapers. For those of you thinking, eww gross! Yeah, I get it, it can be gross to step into a warm or cold puddle of pee, but this is the fastest way for babies to get the message that they need to do something less gross.

I have stepped in a few puddles! Thankfully not stepped into any steaming hot piles! That is not to mean I did not pick up any steaming piles to promptly be flushed. Yuck!

I spent the weekend with a baby going commando which ment there was not any leaving the house. Bummer, I wanted to do something, but I guess you need to make some sorta plans with friends. Making plans with friends is something I not in the habit of doing and need to start doing.

I am glad to announce I only needed to clean up one small puddle. Soon I will need to clean the carpet because I can bet that as he goes commando with his babysitter and daddy. I will be keeping the carpet steamer handy over the next few weeks.

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