Nourishing Relationships

Honoring Service on Veterans Day

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 16:05:00 +0000

On this day, November 11, we offer our tributes to the veterans who have served the country over the years and honor those who are serving today. These brave men and women in the Armed Forces put their lives on the line every day, and do so with dignity. We are especially aware of the challenges of service after the terrible shootings at Fort Hood.

As we respect their contributions, we can also reflect on what we can learn from those in the Armed Services. "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." So said Charles Colton, nearly 200 years ago. If you are caring for your family in flux, maybe as a Sandwiched Boomer, here are some ways you can emulate them.

Draw upon your own strength. You will learn more about your capabilities when you are tested by hard times than when everything is going well for you. Resiliency is increased each time you get up and put one foot in front of the other. Bravery comes in many actions - facing an illness, providing for your family, starting a new career - not only on the battlefield.

Just as those in the foxholes feel the honest emotions of fear, anger, pain, guilt, anxiety and loneliness, allow yourself to experience these emotions when they are a part of your life. Sandwiched between caring for your offspring and your parents, you will feel stressed and anxious at times. Acknowledge these feelings, and then begin to deal with them.

If you remember the fragility and transience of life as you move through it, you will savor each good moment you have. To live your life to the fullest is a lasting mark of respect you can pay to your family and to the veterans who have sacrificed the innocence of their youth for you.

So after paying tribute to the men and women of the Armed Services on Veterans Day, make a commitment to employ some of these techniques to honor your own family. You will find that, as a part of the Sandwich Generation, it makes your time with each member more meaningful and relevant.

Familes Come Together

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 16:31:00 +0000

In times of turmoil and pain, families instinctively draw together. As investigators are trying to learn more about the shooter at Fort Hood, friends and family of the victims are turning their attention to one another for support and comfort. Grieving as one with the country, members of the Armed Forces sustain each another as family.

With Veterans Day coming tomorrow, we are again reminded of the Service men and women who leave their families to protect ours. As you reflect on the events of the past several days, you may find yourselves thinking about what you can learn from veterans about the importance of family. Here are some suggestions to consider.

Express the gratitude you feel for what they have given you – protection, opportunities, love, strength, enjoyment of life. You have doors open to you now because of them. This can begin with something as simple as a heartfelt "thank you," and develop into a more textured and thoughtful recognition of what you are thankful for.

Recognize the importance of revealing the love you have for each other. Those who have been in harm's way know the meaning of the words, "it's too late." Don't put off sharing your love; decide to make it a priority. Each day, acknowledge those you love, and who love you, as if it were your last.

Understand the value of friendship. Those in the service have trusted and leaned on each other as they've shared their experiences and relied on their camaraderie. Know that we are here to take care of our friends and family – close and extended – difficult though it may be at times.

Community support is there for the taking when you know where to look and how to ask for it. Be open to the reality that you might need to utilize the input and generosity of others. You are not diminished when you allow another to help you.

Are you a Sandwiched Boomer finding it hard to get started focusing on the strengths of your family in these trying times? Click on the post title above to take you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com. You can read our article, 5 Steps to Gratitude Despite a Tough Economy for tips about how to focus on acknowledging and expressing what you are grateful for.

Fort Hood Massacre

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 12:53:00 +0000

Flags are flying at half-mast all across America in memory of the 13 soldiers who were massacred by Major Nidal Hasan at Fort Hood. The soldiers were randomly shot while they waited for medical treatment on the base. In addition to the 13 who died, 30 more were injured, some severely. The incident has brought to the forefront, less than a week before Veterans Day, the risk that those brave men and women in the armed forces take, in service to the country.

Americans in the armed forces continue to serve in Iraq and Afghanistan as well as other theaters throughout the world. While most of those killed and injured at Fort Hood were young, the average age of men and women in the Armed Forces has risen. Many in the service now are a part of the Sandwich Generation, concerned about caring for family members at home as they continue their duty to the country. Their burden becomes especially apparent as we approach Veterans Day, a time for all of us to pay tribute to American veterans of all wars.

What lessons can Sandwiched Boomers take from veterans - those who have stood up for the rest of us and given their all to protect our way of life? As we respect their unique bravery, we can direct what we learn to our own family situation. Between now and Veterans Day, we will look at how to apply the same principles to those closest to us. For some ideas about paying tribute to Veterans and your own family from www.HerMentorCenter.com, click on the post title above.

Are Your Kids Hooked on TV?

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:14:00 +0000

The latest Nielsen figures indicate that children are watching more television than ever - those aged 2 to 5 are watching more than 32 hours a week while for those 6 to 11, it drops slightly, probably due to school hours, to more than 28 hours a week. That's still, on the average, more than 4 hours a day. These numbers include VCR and game console usage but not time on the computer or playing hand-held video games.

Are you concerned about these numbers? Children's healthcare advocates certainly are. They have warned that this increased television watching may be linked to two childhood issues: obesity and delayed language skills.

For the past decade, parents had thought that Baby Einstein videos would help their infants develop language skills but actually studies have found that infants who watch these kind of videos actually learn fewer vocabulary words than those who don't. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends only an hour or two of TV for children older than 2 years, none for those below that age.

What can you do, as a parent, to wean your children from excess hours spent on television, videos and video games? It's not a simple process, but you can start by talking with your kids about why you believe it is important to reduce their electronic screen time. Help them see that it is not a punishment, but rather an important part of their growth. Here are some suggestions to get you started as you craft a plan that works for your family.

If you are a Sandwiched Boomer, single parent, or working mother, you are likely already stressed by your responsibilities and tempted to use television as a baby sitter. Instead, encourage your children to help you while you are doing things around the house - bring them into the kitchen to help make dinner, let them fold their own laundry, make it a game to see who can straighten up faster. Talk with your kids while you are getting your own chores done and make them a part of the process.

Set aside time for them to play outside with their friends. Learn more about after school activities in which your kids can participate - at school, in your local community center, at the park.

Encourage your children to read instead of watching television. Think about how you can make reading more interactive and interesting for them. Have a good book of your own handy so that you can sit down with them and read together.

Be a good role model. Don't leave the TV on as a background. Watch only the shows you specifically choose.

Include your children in planning which shows they will watch and when. Remind them that they need to limit their screen time to only what they have chosen. Set the amount of time they can play video games, hand-held or on the TV. You may decide on specific days or times for this activity. Make up a chart so they can plan for the week and let them fill in the times they have watched.

Set family rules about what is and is not acceptable in terms of TV and video games usage. Let your kids know that you are consistent in enforcing them. You can even purchase and use a TV/video game time management tool. These allow you to implement the time limits you have set with your children.

You may find that, as in any dramatic change, it takes many baby steps to alter your kids' television viewing habits. When you feel overwhelmed at the thought of prying your children's eyes off the TV, you can find some tips to get started at our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com. Click on the post title above to read an article giving you some suggestions about how to begin: Sandwiched Boomers: 7 Tips on Fighting Inertia.

Childhood Lies

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:27:00 +0000

It's been said that young children tend to lie at least once every two hours - sometimes to get something they want or to gain attention but usually to avoid getting in trouble and being punished. Often the lines between make-believe and reality become blurred. But when do youngsters' little 'white lies' become teenagers' big destructive whoppers? And how do those teens behave as young adults?

The Josephson Institute of Ethics releases studies of American high school students every two years and finds that the levels of lying, cheating and stealing have steadily increased. Results from their most recent study indicate that 12 to 17 year olds are five times more likely than those over 50 to believe it is necessary to lie and cheat in order to succeed. As they move out into the world at large, these same young adults are two to three times more likely to misrepresent themselves in a job interview, lie to a significant other, keep money mistakenly given to them.

Photo (c) 2008 Jupiter Images. All rights reserved.

Why do our children resort to these kinds of misdeeds? Is it the poor role models found in the entertainment, political and sports worlds? Is it the pressure to succeed coming from parents and schools? Is it the normalization of certain illegal activities on the Internet - plagiarism of papers and reports, downloading pirated music and videos?

So what's a parent to do? As in other aspects of parenting, keeping lines of communication open is a good start. When your children are little, encourage and praise their honesty, let them know clearly what is unacceptable, talk with them about the real consequences of their behaviors.

As they mature, continue to help your teens focus on learning for it's own sake without obsessing about tests and grades. Let them know that they don't have to be perfect to be competitive. Monitor their Internet use. And talk with them about the inappropriate messages their "heroes" are sending.

Adult role models can be helpful in setting examples of the kind of behavior you want to encourage in your children. To read more about a family man who lived according to his own high standards, click on the title above. It will take you to our website article, What Sandwiched Boomers Can Learn from Tim Russert.

Feeling Stressed? So are the Kids

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 15:42:00 +0000

Raising children has never been easy for Sandwiched Boomers, but do you think it's even harder today? Parents have always had to deal with providing for their offspring - food, clothing and shelter as well as a supportive and loving environment where the kids could grow into their full potential. Today, in addition, mom and dad are faced with handling the stresses of an unstable economy and volatile social situations. And the worries we feel are felt by our youngsters as well.

A recent study conducted by Harris Interactive and reported by the American Psychological Association found that 75% of American adults are experiencing moderate to high levels of stress. And, for the first time including youth between the ages of 8 and 17 in the survey, APA found that these preteens and teenagers are worrying too - and in greater numbers than their parents estimate. The survey found that children are experiencing their greatest worries about school and about their family's finances.

So what can you do to help the situation for your kids? Don't try to hide your concerns from them. You can't. They pick up signals from you even when you think you are shielding them from your stresses. Instead, keep the lines of communication open. Talk with them about their worries and let them know how you are handling you own ones. The more you are able to discuss the strains affecting all of you, the better you can all begin to cope with them. As you shift the focus to what you can do to address the pressures, your children may be comforted by recognizing that they have an ally - you are working together as a family to decrease the tensions you face. You may not be able to eliminate the anxiety everyone is experiencing, but you can make a first pass at reducing it.

For some tips about coping with the stresses you may be feeling in our uncertain economy, click on the title above. You can read about weathering economic challenges together at oue www.HerMentorCenter.com article, Five Ways Sandwiched Boomers Can Think Positive in Tough Times.

Choose a Topic and Read Some Blog Posts

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 12:01:00 +0000

There won't be a blog post today as we're both traveling - Rosemary is flying from Philadelphia to Chicago and I'm off to to Morocco. But tune in tomorrow as we'll be back on schedule.

In the meantime, why don't you look around the blog. Scroll to the upper left-hand corner of the blue banner at the top of this page and type in the subject that interests you in the white space - empty nest, sandwich generation, mother-in-law, aging parents, woman's conference? Clicking on the magnifying glass will take you to some posts you may enjoy reading.

Raising Children

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 14:30:00 +0000

My daughter sent me this piece by columnist and author, Anna Quindlen. Reading it made me reflect and brought up tons of memories. Want some nostalgia?

"All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like.

Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past.Everything in all the parenting books is finished for me now. Penelope Leach, T. Berry Brazelton, Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education have all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon, and Where the Wild Things Are, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages, dust would rise like memories. What those books taught me, and finally what the women on the playground, and the well-meaning relations - well what they taught me was that they couldn't really teach me very much at all.

Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No one knows anything.

One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One child is toilet trained at 3, his sibling at 2.

When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death syndrome.

To a new parent this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing. Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the research will follow.

I remember 15 years ago pouring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful books on child development, in which he describes three different sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane? Last year he went to China. Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk, too.

Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakes were made. They have all been enshrined in the "Remember-When-Mom-Did" Hall of Fame. The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language - mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, "What did you get wrong?" (She insisted I include that.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald's drive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking?

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of them, sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1.

And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night.

I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be. The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes over the top.

And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I like best in the world who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity.

That's what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me awhile to figure out who the experts were."

Wrap up of Lucy Adam's Virtual Book Tour

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 13:40:00 +0000

If you missed our Virtual Book Tour yesterday, scroll down to read about Lucy Adams and her book, "If Mama Don't Laugh It Ain't Funny." Below are some of Lucy's answers to our readers' questions:

Were you always funny or did you cultivate your sense of humor? I admire your skill and, although I see the humor in stuff, I don't seem to be able to convey it to others.

I think a good sense of humor runs in my family. My best memories of my great-grandmother and grandmother are of them laughing, and mostly at themselves; my mother, likewise. I learned from them to note the details in life, to find humor even in unlikely places, and how to tell a story. So, I owe them for my gift of humor . . . and for many wonderful memories.

With raising a family, writing and working, how do you ever find any time for yourself?

How do I find time for myself? Funny you should ask that. I just finished writing an article (for a parenting magazine) about moms making time to pursue their own interests.

Writing is my THING, my personal interest, and I tend to squeeze it in where ever I can. I always have a pen and paper with me, I've been known to take out a pen light in a movie theater and jot down an idea that suddenly comes to me. I wrote an entire story one time in a fitting room, sans children of course, in the women's department of Macy's.

I don't watch television, don't carry on long conversations over the phone, try not to get bogged down in e-mails, don't spend long hours on facebook. I find those things steal my time.

But most of all, I guess I've made time for myself to write because it is very important to me.

You say you have 4 children and seem to be pretty intuitive - any insights about birth order?

Aaah, birth order. Well, first of all, I suppose I should confess that there are two babies of my family. And, no, they are not twins. My oldest three children are boys and my youngest is a girl, the natural baby of the family. My youngest boy is the baby of the boys. It really complicates things.

One of the stories in If Mama Don't Laugh capitalizes on the whole birth order idea, when I refer to my children as Say Some Evil (the go-getter oldest), See Some Evil (the observant, quiet middle boy), Do Some Evil (the attention grabbing youngest boy).

You're able to look at your life and find the humor in it - I've never been able to do that. I wonder if that's in the DNA or I can learn to see the world through a softer lens. What do you think, Lucy?

I think all the little annoyances of the day - trying to get four kids to six different activities while also getting myself to my own obligation, dinner burned, no milk for breakfast, an unexpected meeting at work, car battery dies -while on the surface very managable, start to pile up until my jaw is clenched and my heart is racing and all I want to do is go back home and get back in bed. I think everyone has days like this, weeks like this, or even lives like this.

But in the big scheme of things, these little annoynaces are barely blips on the radar. And it's important to keep them in perspective. I don't want my life to boil down to one frenetic day after another, without happiness or joy. I don't want my children to remember me as a stressed out shrew who only said, "Hurry up." When they see my face in their mind's eye, I hope they picture me smiling and laughing.

I believe it is a personal decision to find the meaning, the lessons, the laughter in the very chaos of life. If I can't do that, then I have nothing but chaos, and I cannot live that way.

I loved If Mama. Living in the south and having a gaggle of kids may help, but there was so much I could relate to. The title of your new book makes me wonder what it's about.

My upcoming book, Tuck Your Skirt in Your Panties and Run, due out late spring 2010, is about life's embarrassing, uncomfortable moments, both mine and those of other people. The first chapter highlights some of my own flubs and foibles, then I go on in subsequent chapters to share about my husband and children, my extended family, my friends, and finally observations of total strangers.

The book and title were inspired by an actual incident in which I walked out of the bathroom and down the hallway at work, past several coworkers, with my skirt tucked into my panties. I dedicated Tuck Your skirt to the author of a scathing letter in regard to one of my columns published in the newspaper. Her letter and my response are both included in the introduction.

Thanks, Lucy! We all appreciate your honest, thoughtful and funny responses.

Wow, everyone asked such great questions. This has been a wonderful Virtual Book Tour stop. Please go out and purchase your very own copy of If Mama Don't Laugh, It Ain't Funny. Ask your local bookstore to order it for you, or order it on-line at all major bookstores - Barnes & Noble, Borders, Amazon, Books-a-Million, etc. Hint: It makes a great Christmas gift! And please keep your eye out for Tuck Your Skirt in Your Panties and Run in the Spring of 2010.

Virtual Book Tour: "If Mama Don't Laugh, It Ain't Funny"

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:23:00 +0000

Today we are delighted to welcome Lucy Adams to our blog’s Virtual Book Tour. Lucy is the author of “If Mama Don't Laugh, It Ain't Funny.” Her first book celebrates family and the struggle to balance life while maintaining a sound mind and body. Readers get lost in her stories of family antics which somehow always seem to explore and further her own personal growth through insight and a healthy portion of humor. Now see for yourself:

Nourishing Relationships: What inspired you to write this book?

Lucy Adams: So many things inspired me to write If Mama Don't Laugh, It Ain't Funny. My husband stayed after me about doing it. Readers of my weekly newspaper column frequently asked me when I planned to write a book.

The turning point came when a publisher called and asked if I was interested in writing a how-to book on parenting. Wow! I was flattered. But when I finally got my puffed up ego to sit down and be quiet, the reasonable, logical side of me said that it was dangerous territory to tread. After all, my own children aren't fully cooked. I've yet to see the end product of my own parenting. Who am I to tell someone else how to do it? I had to call the publisher and decline the invitation. While on the phone, however, with newfound confidence clutched in my sweaty palms, I pitched the idea for If Mama. He liked it.

If Mama Don't Laugh, It Ain't Funny was also inspired by my need to prove that life is more than a collection of chaos book-ended by rare moments of calm. Every moment counts. Every minute of every day has a purpose. I have found that by learning to live in the little moments, I open myself to the biggest lessons and the best rewards. And, of course, humor. The smallest sliver of a second contains a complete journey. So much more happens between loads of laundry than wiping noses, folding shirts, and scrubbing the kitchen floor. In fact, most of life happens at the same time that I’m driving carpool, cleaning toilets, and scorching spaghetti.

N R: How did you decide on the title, "If Mama Don't Laugh, it Aint Funny"?

L A: My husband actually inadvertently coined the title. One evening at dinner, several years ago, one of my sons asked my husband to pass the rolls. Instead of passing the plate, the man tossed a roll to the child who bobbled it. Buttery bread left a long grease streak down the front of my child.

I was irritated at the poor display of table manners and at the challenge of getting butter stains out of navy blue pants. My husband could see it on my face, so he said, “Uh oh, y’all. Mama isn’t laughing. If Mama doesn’t laugh, it isn’t funny.”

The title (and ghastly grammar) evolved from there.

N R: Do you have a favorite story from the book?

L A: My favorite story is "I Hope I'm Getting Smaller." It tells of a brief but poignant interaction with my then 4 year-old daughter. She questioned me about loving "bad guys" and what God would want us to do. We shared an amazing moment when I had a revelation about my relationship with my daughter, as well as about how she and I both understand God. It was such a profound experience; tears fill my eyes every time I read that story.

Another of my favorites is about Noah, the three legged pig. But that story is best consumed a little bit at a time, so I won’t go into detail here.

N R: Did all of the stories in If Mama Don’t Laugh, It Ain’t Funny really happen?

L A: All the stories but one are true. There is a clue embedded in the book. Can you find it? Do you know which story isn’t true?

N R: How do your family and friends feel about their lives being published?

L A: I have to admit, there’ve been a couple of pieces I published that sent my husband over the edge. He has actually given me a list of things I can’t print about him in the newspaper. For example, I can never write that he “squealed like a school girl.”

And every now and then my parents will question something I put in print. My parents are very thrifty and I once used a metaphor of gnomes burying their gold under toadstools to describe my mom and dad. There was no end to the grief they caught for that. I’m fortunate that they have a good sense of humor.

My friends laughingly say things like, “Uh oh, you’re not going to put that in the paper are you?”

But my children seem to go out of their way to supply me with topics. I even find myself lecturing them on not doing brainless things just to see if I’ll write about them.

Unfortunately, we usually don’t realize how entertaining the chaos is until the crisis du jour has passed. In the moment, I’m like every person – I’m surviving. I hope that in all the minutes that come between racing time to the grave, ha, ha, I’m teaching my children to laugh at themselves and take life’s ups and downs lightly.

N R: What is your favorite thing about being an author?

L A: Let’s see. Perhaps that total strangers write me and e-mail me to say they love If Mama Don’t Laugh, It Ain’t Funny and that they’ve put it in the basket of reading materials in their bathrooms. On a home tour last Christmas, one man actually walked me into his bathroom to point out my book, which he keeps on the back of his commode.

Making people laugh; making an emotional connection.

I also enjoy the idea that something of my creation with my name on it is recorded in perpetuity in the Library of Congress. I'm a permanent, though tiny, piece of the fabric of America. It's a record of my existence and my contribution. Hmmm. That sounds so silly and neurotic when I say it out loud.

N R: How did you get started writing?

L A: My original plan, when I was 5, was to be an artist and live in my parents’ garage and take care of them in their old age. Despite my father nursing that ambition, I ended up being a writer and living down the rod from my parents. An arrangement that pleases my mother very much, since she and my dad haven’t decided to get old yet.

My high school friends would tell you that they always knew I would be a writer. My college friends would tell you they were all surprised. My husband says I’m not the same woman he married; that it’s like my alien inside took over.

I always wanted to write. I sort of gave up on it, though, after high school, seeking to do more practical things with my education and my life. It wasn’t until I was 34, with four children ages 6 and under and a husband who said we needed extra income, that I got up the courage to act on it.

I typed up sample columns and went to my local newspaper and asked if I could write for them. Then I called back the editor again, and again, and again, until he said, “Yes, if you’ll quit bothering me. I’ve got work to do.”

Now, in my 40’s, going a day without writing is like going a day without oxygen.

N R: Do you have any advice for other people who would like to get into writing?

L A: It’s NEVER too late to start. But, if you’re serious about it, you have to truly commit to seizing every moment. Working full-time and managing a family can pose barriers to a writing career.

I write in every sliver of time I can find. I try keep a notebook and a pen with me at all times, everywhere I go. Ideas suddenly come to me and I have to write them down or I’ll never remember them. Sometimes I don’t have my notebook handy when I get inspired on aisle 9 of the grocery store. I’ve written entire stories on the back of my grocery list. I’ve also been known to scribble notes on the backs of soup labels, on napkins, and flattened straw wrappers. Sometimes I dictate to my 14 year-old son when ideas come to me while I’m driving (deciphering his handwriting, however, is whole other challenge in and of itself). I jot things down while in waiting rooms, dressing rooms, and bathrooms. I have lots of scraps of paper stashed here, there, and everywhere with various notes. Often, writing a story is like piecing a puzzle together, literally.

The first step, however, is just starting. Commit to writing a certain number of words a day. My number is 250. It’s manageable. You’ll find that once you start, it’s very, very hard to stop. I know I do. I’ve burned countless meals because I couldn’t put my pen down.

N R: What's in the future for Lucy Adams - another book?

L A: My second book of humor, Tuck Your Skirt in Your Panties and Run, chronicling embarrassing moments in life, is due out in late spring 2010.

I also continue to blog at www.IfMama.com, to write freelance articles, and to publish my syndicated humor column.

N R: If your readers only got one thing from If Mama Don’t Laugh, It Ain’t Funny, what would you want that to be?

L A: That life is short, without a lot of big moments outside of marriage proposals, weddings, and children’s births. So it’s important to live it all in the everyday small moments. That’s where the marrow of our existence is. Fill those moments with laughter, and appreciate the lessons they hold.

Thanks, Lucy, for a delightful interview. Now, Readers, it's your turn. Ask Lucy questions, share your thoughts, you can even show us how funny you are. Just click on 'Comments' at the bottom of this post and follow the prompts.

Optimistic Women have Lower Risk of Heart Disease

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:42:00 +0000

Need a reason to look on the bright side? In a recent study of women 50 years and older, the participants were asked to answer a standard questionnaire that measured optimistic tendencies based on responses to statements like "In uncertain times, I expect the worst." Those scoring highest in optimism on this scale were more likely to be alive eight years later, while those with the lowest, most pessimistic scores were more likely to have died from any cause, including heart disease. Apparently pessimism may be as bad as having high blood pressure, a well-known heart risk factor when it comes to cardiovascular health. That's not such a surprise, says the lead researcher, considering that optimistic people - more hopeful overall - probably have a larger support network, watch what they eat, exercise more and see the doctor regularly. They may cope better with stress, a risk factor that has been associated with high blood pressure, heart disease and early death in previous studies.

The study reveals interesting findings. Now the resarch team plans to replicate them and find out why this association is happening. And study whether a change in attitude can lower the risk of heart problems.

So what do you think - are you generally optimistic or pessimistic? And, if your attitude is more often negative, what can you do to modify it?

Tears Strengthen Personal Relationships

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 14:14:00 +0000

A Tel Aviv University evolutionary biologist says that tears have emotional benefits and can strengthen interpersonal relationships. Crying is known to be a symptom of physical pain or stress. New analysis by Dr. Oren Hasson shows that tears still signal physiological distress, but they also bring people closer together.

He investigated the use of tears in different emotional and social circumstances. He concluded that tears are used to elicit mercy, sympathy and assistance from others. Emotional tears also signal appeasement, attachment and grief. By blurring vision, tears signal feelings of vulnerability and love.

Dr. Hasson, a marriage therapist, uses his conclusions in his clinic. "It is important to legitimize emotional tears in relationships. Too often, women who cry feel ashamed, silly or weak, when in reality they are simply connected with their feelings......"

The next time your defenses are down and you're moved to tears, check it out yourself. What is it you're expressing - a cry for help or an effort to bond? Don't hide the fact that you're connected to your feelings because, according to this new theroy, that's a good thing!

Spending Time in Nature makes you Nicer

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:04:00 +0000

Research findings indicate that those who feel a strong connection to nature have a more caring attitude toward others.
Participants in the study were asked to rate the importance of life goals. Those exposed to scenes in nature placed a higher value on connectedness and community as well as a lower value on ideals that were more self-oriented.

So why would immersion in nature instill feelings of selflessness? According to the researchers, it allows you to follow your interests and gives you an enhanced sense of personal autonomy. Feeling more relaxed, you may experience a decrease in your stress level.

If being at one with nature makes you feel better, it makes sense that it could lead to your being more emotionally available to others.

As Sandwiched Boomers are you facing daily pressures with parents growing older and children growing up? Try your own experiment. See how a walk in the park or a hike in the hills impacts you and your relationships. And let us know the results.

A Woman's Nation: A Continuing Conversation

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:41:00 +0000

Although this is the last day we're focusing on 'A Woman's Nation', the conversation must continue. Exerpts of this post are from the Huffington Post article written by Chai Feldblum and Katie Corrigan, co-directors of Workplace Flexibility 2010. An initiative of Georgetown University Law Center, this project advocates for family friendly work policies and legislation.

It's important to look more closely at how workforce trends are impacting our family lives. Over two thirds of American families don't have someone at home who handles the household responsibilities. With both parents working, many struggle to succeed at work while meeting the demands of family, and often feel they fail to achieve either very well.
This issue impacts Sandwiched Boomers who are faced with the challenges of caring for a family in flux, whether it's growing children, aging parents or both. But the struggle to balance work and home is often seen as a problem that each employee or family must face alone.

The continuing conversation needs to include movement toward workplace flexibility that meets the needs of both employers and families. This approach supports individuals' control over the scheduling of their work hours and includes options such as condensed workweeks and telecommuting. Study results indicate that flexibility increases productivity by keeping workers healthier and happier as well as cuts employer costs by reducing turnover.

President Obama spoke this week about the incredible juggling act working women go through every day. And how to best support working parents is one of Michelle Obama's priorities. She is particularly concerned about policies providing sick leave, increased maternity leave and flexible work arrangements.

Let's hope that the buzz around the Shriver Report results in a national conversation about how to shift the infrastructure of the workplace to meet the realities facing families today. And we can start right here, right now.

A Woman's Nation: What Do Women Today Want?

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 13:46:00 +0000

So who is today's woman and what does she want? As one of our readers commented, it's certainly not like in the old days when Dad brought home the bacon and Mom fried it. The Shriver Report looks at how women’s changing roles are affecting all aspects of their lives, with concerns like how does she define power and success.

With more men forced to stay home due to unemployment, women are now driving the economy. It’s a transformational moment, with working women now the norm. For the first time, mothers have become the primary breadwinners in nearly half of American families.

Both women and men are struggling to adjust to these changes, with conversation and compromises at every turn. If the wife makes more money, does that become an issue in the relationship? If she's always tired from working and taking care of the home, what about the marriage?

There's no one way to respond to this evolving family dynamic. Some women today are still tough on themselves and feel guilty about the work/family pull. Others no longer want to do it all - being superwoman and an expert at multi-tasking is getting old. Husbands are stepping up to the plate in record numbers. And some stay-at-home dads, who take their job very seriously, don't want to be told what to do.

More conversations are going on around the kitchen table. And it looks as if learning to negotiate, so it's a win/win for both, is becoming an art form. Want to weigh in? Click on 'comments' at the bottom righthand corner of this post and follow the prompts. Write about the compromises you and your partner are making. You can sign in as anonymous - it's easy and we'd love to hear from you!

A Woman's Nation: Who Wears the Pants?

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:26:00 +0000

One question in the Shriver Report, when husbands weighed in, was who wears the pants? Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm's husband is now a full-time Dad. He talked about the shifting landscape of their marriage and changes in his sense of himself. Unlike fathers in the past, who 'took a back seat,' he sometimes tells his wife to 'stay out of my lane.' His sentiments were echoed by other dads - whereas they and the kids are a team when mom is at work, she still expects to be in charge when she's home.

Questions the group of men answered often revolved around roles: Are both women and men having identity crises? Who is really in charge?

All of the men agreed that, in this crazy economy, redefinig roles has become the norm. Their emotional responses to expectations depend on how they grew up - in a traditional home where mom stayed home and dad worked or by a single working mom. It seems as if several of the men want to be the kind of dad they didn't have.

There was also concensus about the struggles that go along with these evolving dynamics. At times some aren't sure what their wives want or what the family needs from them. These new arrangements require a lot more emotional presence and awareness. Some still look to their wives for permission on a variety of issues, but less so as they're more in charge.

It looks like the male ego may be shrinking. In general, the men wanted to support their wives, be more hands-on with the children, understand eldercare problems. They're receptive to negotiating the family rules over the kitchen table. One dad summed it up - 'My daughters will enjoy a better reality, although we're not quite there yet.' In fact, many of the men seem to be learning that, once an identity shift is made, this new lifestyle can be very gratifying.

A Woman's Nation: Weeklong Reporting

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 17:57:00 +0000

On the Today Show, Maria Shriver said that the impetus for the Woman's Nation report came from the 2008 California Women's Conference, attended by over 25,000 women. For years participants have been discussing how difficult it is to balance work and home life and how these problems have not been reflected in the media.

Yesterday one of our readers commented: "....women have been struggling with these issues for years and years." But now this dilemma could have legs as it's no longer just a woman's issue but an American economic issue.

A major point in the Shriver report is that women feel isolated even though they're out of the home and in the workplace. They feel stretched and constantly under pressure, still mainly responsible for the household responsibilities including child and possibly elder care. On CNN 360, Arianna Huffington, Suzie Orman and Faye Wattleton discussed what keeps working women feeling stressed: guilt about not having the time to parent well, fear of asking for a raise (women earn only 78 cents on the dollar compared to men), sleep deprivation because of too much to do, frustration about having to make hard choices between family and job goals.

So what has to give in order for the American Mom to have more balance in her life? Some say that all institutions - from the family to business, from schools to the government - have to adapt to the changing needs of the American family. Others recommend that collectively, as a society, we set more progressive, realistic and flexible goals so women can be successful at work and at home. For sure, if we value families that are making it work and highlight companies that are family friendly we'll begin to foster changes to meet the dynamic needs of today's family.

A Woman's Nation

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:54:00 +0000

Yesterday First Lady of California, Maria Shriver, spoke about 'A Woman's Nation' on Meet the Press. According to this new report, close to 50% of women - compared to less than 30% in 1950 - are in the work force and 2/3 of mothers are breadwinners or co-breadwinners. With this growing dynamic in our society, the question at round tables and kitchen tables becomes: how do we relieve the stress on families?

This is the quintessential Sandwich Generation issue. As you well know, women have been struggling for years, trying to balance the needs of children growing up and parents growing older with the demands of the job.

The Shriver report, supported by the Center for American Progress, sheds light on this subject and puts the challenges that families face front and center. Apparently the battle of the sexes may be officially over. It's time to renegotiate the rules of the household with regards to childcare and eldercare. And a lot of men are already onboard.

As a Sandwiched Boomer, what do you think women need in order to be successful in the workplace and at home? Let us know your thoughts - just click on 'Comments' at the bottom of this post and follow the prompts - you can even sign in as Anonymous.

This conversation will be going on all week, on NBC, Facebook and Twitter and we'll be following it. Tune in tomorrow to stay informed.

NBCAM and Surviving Breast Cancer

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 15:38:00 +0000

All this week we have been focused on October as National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Soon the month will be over and done - just as breast cancer can be diagnosed, treated and cured. Between 2 and 3 million American women living today have survived breast cancer and are thriving. Here is our final tip this week, for them:

Take credit for the challenge you have faced and the changes you are making. Recognize and accept that you have faced many difficulties in your process of healing. Give yourself credit for the hard work you have completed to get to this point in your recovery. You have learned about yourself and made changes in the way you think, feel, act and react to yourself, others and the situation around you.

We celebrate with you! The different pink ribbons we have highlighted this week reflect the unity in diversity of women who are surviving breast cancer - and the men who love them. Today's pink ribbon is by Gordon Smith and can be found on Carol Sutton's site, http://www.carolsutton.net/download_pink-ribbon.html.

For more tips on how to successfully face a crisis in your life, click on the post title above. It takes you to our article, How to Turn a Crisis into a Challenge, on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com

NBCAM and Dealing with Breast Cancer

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:45:00 +0000

As women move through the steps of coping with breast cancer and its treatments, many find that staying informed and involved in the process gives them a sense of power and resiliency. Here are some more tips to help you take charge of your life.

Redirect yourself toward active goal setting. When a serious illness strikes, you may feel like your life is completely out of control. To regain a sense of direction, reflect on what priorities are important to you and then set a goal within your reach. Identify your strengths and build on them as you plan how to achieve your objectives. Journaling may be helpful as you consider strategies and options. Initiate your plan in small steps and review your progress regularly.

Make something positive come out of the situation. Women who are able to find some positive meaning in such a negative situation often experience growth as well as a greater sense of control and feelings of confidence and optimism. Think about how you can use the unique perspective you have gained to make the rest of your life richer and more meaningful.

When you feel like it is almost too much to get started making a change, reflect on how inertia can hamper your efforts to cope. Click on the post title above to take you to our website and the article, "Sandwiched Boomers: 7 Tips on Fighting Inertia." They will help give you just the push you need to begin.

Today's pink ribbon is by Rachel Meinz and can be found on Carol Sutton's site, http://www.carolsutton.net/download_pink-ribbon.html

NBCAM and Coping with Breast Cancer

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 15:09:00 +0000

During October, National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, women are especially focused on early detection and improving the management of breast cancer, should it be diagnosed. Today's coping tips can help you support yourself - emotionally and physically - through the difficult process of dealing with breast cancer and its treatments.

Enjoy the support you receive from others. Your family and friends can provide a network of support for you. You may also want to join a breast cancer support group, either in person or on-line. Support is helpful in several ways - it gives you someone to listen to you when you need to express yourself, someone to give you information and feedback, someone to help you with practical matters such as an errand that needs to be done. Support will be there for you if you look for it. It may feel awkward at first to ask for help, but you'll find friends want to do what they can for you.

Take care of yourself. Pamper yourself - you deserve it! Set aside time for beginning or continuing an exercise program that includes aerobics, flexibility and strengthening exercises. Enjoy eating a more healthful diet rich in fruits and vegetables. Schedule relaxation time to decrease the stresses in your life. Learn visualization techniques. Think about what you really like to do and do it. Of course this is easier to say than it may be to do, but stick with your decision to make time for yourself. You can make it happen.

Click on today's post title to take you to an article on our website - Top 10 Self-fullness Tips for Sandwiched Women. After all, David Letterman is not the only one who can make top 10 lists. Remember, it's not selfish to take care of yourself.

Today's pink ribbon is by Lou Carter; you can find more of her Breast Cancer Awareness Campaign designs on her website, http://members.iglou.com/riplou/PinkRibbonPage.html.

NBCAM and Living with Breast Cancer

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 13:38:00 +0000

As breast cancer survivors have learned, coping with any serious illness can take a toll on you - emotionally as well as physically. This week, we'll be giving you some tips each day on how to manage your recovery so that you can move forward with your life. We begin today with acknowledging where you are coming from.

Accept your changing emotions as normal and give yourself permission to express them. After a brush with cancer, it is normal to feel many different emotions such as anger, fear, worry, anxiety, depression, stress or loss of control. It's OK to express these to people you trust and acknowledge them to yourself. Only then can you begin to cope with them.

Recognize the changes in your body. You may feel that your body has betrayed you, leaving you feeling vulnerable and with a loss of innocence about your own invincibility. You will need to grieve this loss. In addition, you may be experiencing side effects of the treatment such as fatigue, stiffness, lymphedema, weight gain, as well as menopausal symptoms. Once you clarify for yourself how your body is reacting, you can address each of the symptoms in your efforts to alleviate them.

Tomorrow we'll look at more ways to take care of yourself if you ever need to deal with a diagnosis of cancer and treatment options. For tips about how to develop better communication with a loved one when serious illness intrudes, click on the post title above to take you to an article on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, Boomer Couples: Deepening Your Conversations about Serious Illness.

Today's pink ribbon is by Vanessa Rumaz and can be found on Carol Sutton's site, http://www.carolsutton.net/download_pink-ribbon.html. All week, we'll be featuring different pink ribbons created by talented women and men to increase public awareness about breast cancer and encourage research on this disease.

NBCAM - National Breast Cancer Awareness Month

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 13:53:00 +0000

For the past 25 years, October has been designated as National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. This month, blogs will be "going pink," stores will be selling everything from mixmasters to ipods in pink, you'll see this pink ribbon everywhere. What does this really mean to you?

If you are over 40, it means that you should be having regular screening mammograms. While mammography is the best available screening tool to date, no test is always 100% accurate. So it's wise to also perform your own monthly breast self-exams and see your physician for an annual breast exam. You may also want to consult a physician about your risk factors for breast cancer and additional diagnostic steps to take such as MRI.

Other than skin cancer, breast cancer is the most common cancer facing American women today. But, with mammography and physical exams leading to early detection, most breast cancers can be successfully treated. There are between 2 and 3 million American women living today who have survived breast cancer. So don't let anything get in the way of becoming aware and taking care of yourself. And visit the National Breast Cancer Awareness Month website, www.NBCAM.org for more information.

To read one woman's story about her experiences with breast cancer, click on the post title. It will take you to our website, HerMentroCenter.com, and one of our early newsletters. Feel free to look around and read other archived newsletters that relate to you. Then sign up to receive your own copy of our free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, sent directly to you. And tune in all week for tips to help you cope with a serious illness like breast cancer.

Today's pink ribbon clip art is copyrighted by Bobbie Peachey, at http://webclipart.about.com

The Empty Nest: A Chance to Reinvent Yourself

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 04:13:00 +0000

One reader sums it up: "I am a full believer that the better way to avoid the problems of empty nest is balance. Your entire life cannot be the kids. Throughout the child rearing days a portion of your time and mind should go to continuing to build the relationship with your spouse. Another important portion of your time and mind should go to nurturing yourself. Doing what you love to do. When the kids are gone you have more time to dedicate to both of these. There is always a sense of loss, but there is something there to fill the void."

Practice letting go. Try to visualize one door closing and another door opening. Relax into feeling more calm and carefree. Let yourself get excited by the possibility of exploring what you want to do with the free time that is now available to you.

Decide to write regularly in a journal. Think about what's happening in your life right now and you'll see that there's no right or wrong way to feel. Accept that you, too, are on a more independent path now. By identifying and dealing with what is going on for you emotionally, you'll learn to take greater control over this process of change.
Recognize that you now have full license to put energy into reinventing yourself. The lid has been lifted off the box – embrace new options that you may not have imagined possible. Continue to move away from center stage regarding your kids and move toward your own deferred plans and goals. It's the best time to enjoy the chance to fulfill your dreams.

Some think that putting yourself first is selfish, no matter what the stage of life. But that's not what the experts say. So click on the title of this post for tips on what we call self-fullness. And keep us posted on your progress!

The Empty Nest and the Sandwich Generation

mentors@hermentorcenter.com (Nourishing Relationships) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 04:51:00 +0000

For those of you in the Sandwich Generation, there are lots of circumstances that lead to an empty nest - your growing children moving to college, moving away to take a job or moving into marriage or a committed life with a partner. And any of these situations may require major role shifts for all the family.

Watch the video below about a transition that unfortunately resulted in problems for everyone. But if you read the August blog posts we suggest, you'll see that that there are solutions.

Accept your ambivalence about the empty nest. Discuss your situation with friends who care about what you're going through. You'll discover that you have a lot in common and that they feel the same about their own experiences. That can be validating and comforting. Practice letting go. Try to visualize one door closing and another door opening.

Clicking on the title of this post will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and an article about what you can learn from President Obama's Mother-in-law. Then, at the top lefthand corner of that article, you'll see "Return to Home Page." Click on that and then on Newsletter Library and Nourishing Relationships for more tips about adapting to other role changes.