Life As I Know It

ENT

2014-11-01T00:25:00.003-04:00

Entrepreneurship.

Who came up with this word anyways? It took me a long time to be able to pronounce this right - hello... English is already difficult enough!

The ENT program at USFSP - I love the mindset it has given me, and how it actually challenges me, makes me do some self evaluation, and ask why I do what I do. I appreciate the people that run the program, and their incredible support. I don't know if anything prepares you 100% to start your own business like actually starting it, but having their support, guidance, lessons, and expertise is huge!
Working on my startup right now looks like obscene amounts of time on my laptop doing research. I have many questions and over-analyze my ideas, the path I'm taking to accomplish certain things. It's like I take a step forward, fall flat on my face, get up, take a step back, and do it all over again. And then it feels like it is crazy lonely at times, because I'm so caught up in my own mind and questions, that I think no one could possibly think like that - who would be crazy enough! I think that's why we're all so into the networking events, its nice to validate each other's craziness. And when you have a beer in hand it somehow feels even better - we can put our guard down, stop thinking for a minute, and just be with like-minded people.

Recently I had to prepare a document for a meeting with a possible capital and development partner and their engineers + electronics partners. I had to send them a summary of what I've done and my idea, etc. The thought of the meeting alone was intimidating, there were so many things to think about, from documents, to NDAs, knowing my stuff, being able to explain it, getting there on time, and being put on the spot in front of people I didn't know but want to work with.
So I put myself in their shoes and thought they wouldn't be interested in reading my ramblings like the ones I write here, but instead something succinct. I put a one pager together, sent it and get a call from the lady arranging the meeting saying how impressed they were with what I put together. YES! I pat myself in the back and continued to get ready for the meeting.
The following days I spent creating this presentation and obsessing over the details. I get to the meeting and the first sentence out of the person whose decision weighs the most completely invalidates everything I spent days preparing, without him even knowing. And in my mind I slapped my face and thought "why in the world did I waste my time with this?! I already knew this wasn't going to be part of the product but I couldn't let go of my initial idea even though I knew our advantage was that it didn't have this piece of tech like all the others out there but it looked so great and I just wanted to show it off!!!" I do a lot of run-ons when I think.Anyways, the meeting went great, and it was exactly what I needed.
These are the lessons that are shaping my thoughts. I love the mistakes, the community, the constant challenge and excitement that comes from it. I love I get to do what I do - and I am not making a cent on this yet! That's when I know that no matter how crazy, lonely, kinda dumb, inadequate, challenged, intimidated and scared I feel at times, it beats every single shitty job I've had in the past. Every job that diminished you down to a simple working bee, that broke down creativity with bureaucracy, every 5 am job to deal with self-righteous and spoiled people who don't know what's to work for what you have, every miserably boring job that turns your mind to process less than a cat does during the day, and every company that only cares about money but not people or the world. It is the chance to make a difference, to do what I love, and in the end, hopefully solve real problems.

This - is why I love entrepreneurship.

Colombia

2014-08-06T15:46:00.000-04:00

It had been seven years. Seven long years.
I knew I missed the people, the culture, and the food.
I didn't realize until I was here in Colombia that I missed much more than that.

The warm "hellos" of everyone and anyone, the kiss-on-the-cheek greetings, the genuine questions of how you've been, the invitations and long conversations with friends. The kind of conversations that will challenge you and leave you thinking. But also the kind where you laugh non-stop for hours, drinking a beer and reminiscing on trips and anecdotes, while creating new memories all along. Meeting people and instantly becoming friends, no reservations. Seeing family I hadn't in years.

The dancing... oh how I had missed dancing, and to the music that only a Colombian DJ will play - Salsa, Merengue, Vallenato. Hearing the songs I hadn't in years and dancing past midnight and with people that will make you laugh until you feel your stomach and cheeks can't take it anymore.

Rice & chicken meal cooked in plantain leaves

The food... the food! I don't think I've held back on any craving since the plane first landed. The coffee, the snacks, the smells that come from the kitchen every time you know lunch is about to be
ready. The natural, fresh-made juices from fruits that don't grow in the States. The empanadas, which are different in every store, along with the aji. Tamales, arepas, the list could go on.

The views were also breathtaking. I missed the scenery - the mountains, savannah, trees, and the green... so much green everywhere. I even missed the fact that you can always hear birds singing, even in the city - I even saw a hummingbird! I missed the small towns, the big city, and everything in between that this country has to offer and that I was able to enjoy.

Parque Ecologico La Periquera

So all this to say, Colombia, I'm so glad I'm back here, and even more so that the time here was extended. My soul needed it. I may not have done every single thing I had planned to, but it was more than enough to make me realize how, Lord willing, I don't ever want to go more than even a year without being here.

25 weeks

2014-06-03T22:53:00.000-04:00

So this was my first half of 2014 in a nutshell, the craziness I put myself (and my husband, because who are we kidding, he rides this roller coaster with me) through these past 25 weeks.

My challenge this year is to step out of my comfort zone, because I've noticed that the older I get, the more difficult it is to do so IF I don't practice it. So in keeping with the theme, this year so far has been made up of the following:

* Deciding to participate at USFSP's pitch competition where we first introduced our brand new concept of NeverWander, and placing 2nd!
* Visiting Tampa Hackerspace and immersing myself in a world totally unknown to me before: soldering and circuits! They helped us develop our very fist prototype, which helped us to win the pitch competition at the Southeastern Entrepreneurship Conference!!
* Applying to get on StartupBus, getting accepted, and spending the craziest week on a bus from Florida to Texas, developing a business (app) with people I had never met before, and then attending SXSW where the house we were staying at ended up getting robbed.
* Establishing NeverWander as a business, working on the business model, having our very first intern, and navigating the world of networking and entrepreneurship!
* Taking NeverWander to OneSpark in Jacksonville, FL to get potential customer validation and feedback. We ended up placing 6th, out of more than 90, in the Judges' Tech Category, and 61st out of more than 600 in the overall festival, thanks to votes of attendees (preliminary results, we're still waiting to hear the final results).
* Stepping out of my comfort zone, more than ever, I decided to apply to speak at Ignite Tampa Bay, and got accepted! I spoke about Colombia in front of about 300 people, how it is in fact a country that has been tainted by its past, but is getting out of darkness, thanks to the help of campaigns such as Colombia Es Pasion.... and what we can learn from that.
* Realizing that while school has been really important in my life, sometimes it needs to take a backseat when these amazing opportunities are up for grabs. The lesson was difficult, as I failed my first class ever, and will have to retake it next semester, but given everything I learned this semester in a real life setting, outside of the classroom, was a small price to pay!

So this year has found a cure from my insomnia - because when you're sleep deprived, insomnia is no longer the definition. I have found that you can truly push your limits, and it is often fun to. I have learned about myself, I have let go of fears, I have jumped head first, I have failed, and I have gotten back up, I have felt doubt, I have fought, been told I'm not good enough, and competed with myself. And one of the biggest lessons I have learned so far is that no one (not even those that say no) makes your future but yourself.

To sum everything up, I have been on a relentless pursuit to break down my walls of comfort, burn my fear-filled bridges, and adventure into the unknown.

And it's been SO worth it!

Ignite Tampa Bay

2014-06-02T02:14:00.000-04:00

This year I decided I wanted to do things that would make me step out of my comfort zone. I've found that through out the years, my fearlessness has started to fade, and I don't like it! Risks are important (and different to recklessness), and fear can numb us down to the point of not really living, but merely existing.

So when a local entrepreneur, someone I highly admired, sent me an email to share with people and encouraged us to apply to speak at Ignite Tampa Bay, my initial reaction was to just pass it on. And then I realized I'd be hypocritical if I didn't at least try to apply! Isn't it funny that when you decide to challenge yourself, the opportunities start to appear, all while fear, tries to get a hold of you!

Ignite Tampa Bay held at The Cuban Club - Ybor City - May 22, 2014

In many cases I think of myself as an introvert, I don't like being the center of attention in a group of people. Back when I lived and traveled with a group of people from all over the world, the personalities of Americans always seemed to cast a shadow on mine, and while it didn't bother me most of the time, it did when people would point out they didn't notice me at all at first. Those comments made me feel invisible. And then as I matured a little bit, I started embracing that part of myself and learning how to use it as a strength. It allowed me to analyze, learn about people, and figure out how to adjust to my surroundings. It's not always easy because some interactions require for me to be more aggressive than I'm used to (comfortable with), but for the most part, it has been great. And I always like it when people seem shocked that I've done something they didn't think I'd be capable of. And it has surprised me too, when I learn about how people view me - it teaches me a lot about myself.

But back to Ignite. Once I knew I was accepted I didn't know whether to jump up and down from the excitement or have a panic attack because I've never done something like that. I think what happened was a combination of both.

And then the preparation started. See Ignite is not like any other talk event out there. Speakers are bound by five minutes and 20 slides that advance automatically every fifteen seconds. It was difficult! But something was telling me I just had to, I had to share, I had to speak, I had to be vulnerable. And so, after much repetition (most of it in my head) to the point I couldn't think of anything else, the day came. I showed up and was told I was the last one to speak. THE LAST ONE! I was honored, but my heart skipped a beat when I found out. And then it skipped even more when I found out I was going after my friend Mark - the most outgoing person I've met, USFSP's Student Government President, and someone full of amazing stories! Needless to say, I was freaking out the whole time, my chest was a little tight, and I had to try not to keep practicing over and over in my head while I listened to the other speakers. I was afraid I'd forget if I practiced too much.

The other speakers were amazing, and part of me was struggling with feelings of not being able to measure up. But mostly, I was inspired and amazed, because their stories are powerful.

It was my time, I got up there, and couldn't see a single person because of the spotlight. It was both a relief and also kind of unnerving. My voice was shaky, I messed up at parts, and it went so incredibly fast. It was a great experience - I was able to share about my passion for Colombia, and my hopes that people see it a little bit differently now. Because Colombia is beautiful, and I think everyone should have the opportunity to go, at least once in their lifetime!
It was so difficult, challenging and fun all together that I may even try out again next year!

p.s. If anyone would like to go to Colombia someday, I'm planning on putting together trips for people that want to visit, so let me know!!

Easy lunch or dinner!

2013-10-21T23:25:00.000-04:00

I love to cook, but sometimes I'm just plain lazy and don't feel like it. Then there's also the fact that we're trying to be more healthy with our meals but without going to the extremes of eating only that which is nutritious but not delicious. I love cooking too much for that.

So when I don't feel like cooking or when Ryan is home alone for lunch, he usually buys frozen pizzas that he can just pop in the oven and voila! But that always leaves him feeling gross and me guilty for not preparing something more wholesome. Frozen prepared meals are definitely not healthy.

Here's our solution: homemade pizza! Ok, ok, I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but after trial and error we finally found the recipe that works for us: its fast, healthy, and totally delicious! Plus, obviously totally customizable to your preference of ingredients! Ryan likes it with pepperoni, and I don't. I put pizza sauce on his pizza but not on mine.... It works any way!

The Basics:
- Whole wheat tortillas
- Mozzarella cheese
- Organic pizza sauce

Our favorite toppings
- Mushrooms
- Green peppers
- Turkey pepperoni

How we make them
I love mushrooms, but I don't like them when they're big and slimy. So I always slice them thin, and then sauté them with salt and pepper.... They smell so delicious while they cook, and then will have a kick to them if you add enough black pepper. I then use the same pan to sauté the green peppers, which I julienne (slice in long strips), and also season with salt and pepper.
Then you just assemble like you would any pizza: sauce, cheese, and then the toppings. And finally you put them in the oven or toaster oven for a few minutes for the cheese to melt and the tortilla to crisp up a bit.... But keep an eye on it, whole wheat tortillas are thinner than the regular one so they can burn faster!

And there you have it, a homemade pizza, that tastes like a flatbread but even better because you made and know exactly what goes into it... So use organic and all natural ingredients! This is perfect for a lazy and fast, but good, meal; for pizza parties; or to include kids in the cooking process!

p.s. My laptop has rebelled against me and no longer lets me charge it, so as much as I've wanted to blog more, between homework and my Etsy shop management being all done on the iPad, I am half as efficient as I hope to be! But I will get better at posting more often...l got a ton of posts in mind!

About art & being vulnerable

2013-09-19T01:17:00.004-04:00

I got some free wood pallets recently - I've definitely had some fun with them. I started coming up with ideas right away, and I'm so thankful I now have the space and tools to have those ideas come to life! And, thanks to Ryan's encouragement I put them up for sale on Etsy.

My make-shift set up for taking pictures for the shop

This decision goes beyond just selling them. I've never been able to part with my art before - even sharing it with people has been difficult. I think it is partly because it is so personal, that it makes me feel vulnerable. I think I believed that if I tried selling my art and it didn't go well, it wouldn't validate me as an artist.

A few years ago, it was the first time ever I was part of an art show - thinking back, the pieces I displayed were not that good, at all. But that's ok, I was still trying to figure out my style, I learned a lot through the process, and the support and feedback from my friends and family was encouraging!

One of my pieces - using all reclaimed wood!

So this putting stuff up on Etsy is more about me trying to rise up to a challenge, to let go of my fears and insecurities about my art, and maybe to get some feedback again. But at the end of the day - whether they sell or not - every day I am more and more aware of how much I love to create, so Lord willing, I will never stop. I will continue figuring out what my style is, because life is about trial and error, and if we hide behind fear and insecurities, how far do we really expect to go?

Now, I'm no online marketing person, or photographer, and it took me a big majority of today to put up five pieces! If you could have just seen me! I felt like a... I don't know, what's a high stress job? The frustration levels were up through the roof, the pictures wouldn't come out right, the light would mess with me, and my computer would freeze at times! But I made it through because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. It was all about vulnerability, learning, taking risks - and it was so worth it! Because I learned a lot through the process. So if you want to check out my little Etsy shop, go here or click in the images below!

A Taste of Colombia

2013-08-20T18:07:00.000-04:00

So the longer I'm away from home, the more I miss it, and the more I want Ryan to get to know where I came from. I want him to experience the culture, and so many other things from home that wont make sense until he's been there. Part of the culture is the food, and thankfully, there are some things I can make here that will taste just like at home.

Contrary to popular belief, Colombian food is not spicy, at all. In fact, it wasn't until I met Ryan that I started eating spicy food - Chipotle... I could barely handle it at first. Needless to say, I now loooove Chipotle. So because Ryan loves spicy food so much, I tend to add some heat to all of our meals.

So, arepas are a huge part of our cuisine. They are basically corn patties. There are so many different kinds, ways to make it, and ways to accompany it. One of my favorite kind is arepas rellenas, which means stuffed arepas. You can stuff it with shredded chicken, steak, or pork and the meat is sauteéd with hogao, which is a Colombia sauce made of tomatoes and onions.
It took me a long time to be able to make them because the 'corn flour' you need to make them was not sold in this area for a long time. Finally, Publix came to its senses and started selling it in the Hispanic Food section.... my excitement when I found it was ridiculous!

So here's my recipe for Chicken stuffed Arepas - Serves two

Arepas' Ingredients

2 cups of Masarepa (precooked corn meal)
2/3 cup of warm milk
1/3 cup of warm water
1/2 tablespoon of sugar
1/2 teaspoon of salt
1/2 cup of shredded mozzarella cheese
1 tablespoon of unsalted butter, melted

Arepas' Method

In a bowl, mix the Masarepa, sugar, and salt. Slowly incorporate the warm milk into the ingredients and knead with your hands. Add the mozzarella cheese and start adding the water, little by little until you have the consistency of play-doh (you don't have to use all of the water. You can use the remaining of the water to moisten your hands later on when you form the patties). Add the melted butter and work into the dough.. Cover the bowl, and let it rest while you work on the chicken.

Chicken Stuffing Ingredients

1 chicken breast
1/2 teaspoon of salt
1/2 teaspoon of chicken bouillon
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 medium yellow onion, diced
2 tomatoes, diced
1/2 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes
1/3 teaspoon of garlic salt
2 tablespoons of milk

Cook the chicken in a pot of boiling water (water must cover the chicken), add the salt and chicken bouillon.

Once the chicken is thoroughly cooked, shred it.

In a pan add some olive oil and sauteé the onions with a pinch of salt and pepper, in medium-high heat until they brown and they look a bit transparent. Add the tomatoes and add a pinch of salt and pepper (again), turn the heat to medium, and let them cook until all the juices have come out and the tomatoes have dissolved - this makes our hogao.

Add the shredded chicken, the garlic salt, and the red pepper flakes. Mix it all together, and add the milk - this will allow for all the juices to come off the pan and incorporate into the chicken.

Assembling it all!

Take the arepa dough and form them into a ball and flatten them to about 1/3 inch of width, they should end up being about 5" in diameter. If they start cracking as you form them just moisten them with some of the warm water, but don't worry about them being perfect - that's part of the rustic way they look.

There are two ways of cooking them: You can grill them - about 3 minutes on each side on medium-high heat until they turn golden and are a little crusty on the outside. You can also place them on a nonstick pan with some melted butter - also 3 minutes on each side.

After they're cooked, smear a bit of butter and sprinkle some salt. Split them in half - the way you would and English Muffin. The inside will be soft and the outside crusty, but that wont mean it is raw (remember the corn meal is pre-cooked). Stuff them with the chicken and enjoy!

I know it is a little bit of a lengthy process, but it is SO worth it - Ryan asked for this three times last week.... and I caved.

Lessons in perseverance

2013-08-14T18:15:00.001-04:00

So I have had a dream for a long time. I remember being in a van in a little town in New Zealand - Tauranga. I was trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with my life, and my mind kept going back to restaurants. I had recently found out that my favorite restaurant back at home Crepes & Waffles focused on hiring only single moms. They gave them a job, and provided opportunities to not only get an education but also to progress in the company. I was inspired. Not only did I love the restaurant industry (mind you, I had never worked in a restaurant at that point), because what can get better than delicious food bringing people together? Well, turns out it does get better when you're also helping people at the same time!

So I happened to find myself in New Zealand, by God's grace and people's generosity: I had gotten a scholarship. After a year of requesting visas, getting denied at embassies, lots of letters, requests, interviews, etc., I finally was able to hop on a plane with $100 in my pocket for 6 months of adventures (but that's a story for another time). I was blown away that people who I didn't know fought for me and alongside me to make this dream come true. And I figured it out - this is exactly what I want to do for others.

Fast forward 7 years later, and the dream remains. I've gone through distractions, more visa issues, more traveling, marrying my best friend, sweat, tears, a lot of self-doubt, but also a lot more encouragement than I could describe.

The dream: a food service business that employs young people to springboard them into their dreams. The concept has changed a million times since its birth but the core remains the same.

And that brings me to today. I've been chiseling and sculpturing this piece of rock that's my dream right now. Holy cow, is it hard! My mind is the biggest battle field, because in essence, putting all the pieces together is not difficult - it is just a lot of research, calls, learning, and time. But the difficult part is the mental and emotional roller coaster you're put through. Feelings of not being capable, doubt, loneliness in the process... it tries to seep in into every step you take. School will prepare you to brainstorm ideas, to pitch in front of a room of people and have them dissect your idea, it'll teach you accounting principles, and business administration skills... but one thing it hasn't prepared me for is the perseverance you need to start a business - because really, that is the personal choice and sacrifice you must make.

All that to say, even through the hardships... it is SO, SO worth it. Every time I see my dream come alive, even in the smallest of ways, I see myself getting closer to my purpose - whether it is a new vendor, an inspiration board completed, touring the commercial kitchen I'll be using... any kind of step forward is super encouraging.

But see the thing is, it is a daily choice, to work towards that goal, to persevere despite all those roadblocks that impose themselves on the path, despite the doubt. Because in the end, how will you ever see it come alive? In the process, you see it is worth it.

So surround yourself with people that speak encouragement into your life. Fight through the tears, and don't give up. A lesson I am learning as I type this. No matter the dream and how long it takes - whether a year, or seven, or fifteen - only you can decide what is worth your time and effort.

Melt in your mouth deliciousness...

2013-08-05T21:26:00.000-04:00

So, I love food. And I love to cook it... sometimes. But there came a point where it just got to much of a routine that I stopped enjoying it.

Then we got cable at home! And with that came a love (or should I say obsession) with the Food Network! Specifically the Food Network Star & Chopped - I think it's because of the competition. I mean, who doesn't like a little dose of competitiveness and channeling their inner Monica?!
Ok, part of my obsession for these show is also the creativity that is displayed with such random, and sometimes just plain commonly used ingredients. My favorite part: When they have to take something that has been done for a long time in a certain way, and a twist is added.

So with that in mind, I came up with my own recipe for an oldie but goodie: French Toast!

French toast... it evokes memories of childhood, with the sweet, cinnamon-y and warm smell and taste of maple syrup. Yumm! This is nostalgia at its best for most people... But for me, it's sort of a newer concept! Growing up in Colombia, I don't recall ever hearing of this treat until I came to the States. And I FELL.IN.LOVE with it!

So my brother was over at my place and I wanted to make some French Toast for us, but wanted to add something different and unique to it... so I thought, what does he like that I could add to it? Cheese!
My family and I go way back with cheese. It has always been a favorite snack and we cook it and serve it in different ways... but that's a different story for another day.

So bear with me. This is a French Toast and Grilled Cheese hybrid. Think about it: You have a sweet element in the French Toast, and then the cheese adds that unexpected texture and a little bit of salty kick. So take a chance and try it out... and when you do, let me know what you think!

Ingredients:

8 slices of bread
3 large eggs
1/2 cup of heavy whipping cream
1/4 cup of milk
4 tablespoons of light agave
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon of salt
Grated mozzarella
Maple syrup
Walnuts

*Optional: 1/4 cup of spiced rum and

2 teaspoons of freshly grated orange zest.

Serves 4

Method
In a bowl whisk the eggs, cream, milk, agave, cinnamon and salt together. (If you were using the optional ingredients, you can whisk them into this mixture)

Preheat oven to 375 degree F. Pour the egg mixture in a square pan and dip bread into it. Let each side soak for approx 15 seconds.

Over medium heat, add some oil to a skillet (you could also use non-stick spray, or butter). Place two slices of bread at the same time and cook until golden brown - about 2 minutes per side.

Cut the slices diagonally, add shredded mozzarella to two of the triangles, and stack each one with the others triangle. Now treat it like you would a grilled cheese sandwich. Repeat with the remaining bread slices.

Remove from pan and place in the oven for 5 minutes.

Serve immediately. Garnish with some walnuts, maple syrup, and fresh berries.

Enjoy!

The Paradox of Freedom

2012-10-04T15:11:00.000-04:00

Captivity leads to dreams

The fairy tale & impossible kind of dreams.

Freedom begets a sense of settling?

As if knowing that having such freedom is enough

What is freedom worth if not appreciated or used?

We fight for freedom from others, triumphant at times

Then we proceed to build cages

Futile nonsense being the tools

And so we fight, a meaningless fight

Against those prisons built with our hands

And as the last dawn appears

A trial of freedom is had

Only to realize - time is no longer your friend

Maybe we don't know the definition of freedom after all.

I have never suffered any type of physical captivity, but growing up I heard of many people that did, read chronicles of kidnappings and was sometimes exposed to such talk. When is say captivity, I don't limit it to physical restraints. I'm also talking about the mind state, an unfulfilling job that is safe, settling because it is easy or comfortable, not fighting for dreams, and all the other variations of these.

I found myself in the Nyarugusu refugee camp in Tanzania a few years ago. This was my first real encounter with captivity. It was overwhelming having to go through security, knowing that we could go in and out, but the people that resided there had no way out. The residents were Congolese refugees that ran away due to the violence and political instability in their country. There were about 57,000 of them - it was foreign city within a country.

I will never forget.

I met a young man, about our age (19). Mr. Elias. He had big dreams. Dreams to study, and help others. But he was very aware of the shackles. He couldn't go back to the Congo, and he couldn't leave the camp. "It is as if my arms have been cut off," is what I remember him saying the most. And while he had this struggle, he walked around content. Content that he was alive, and that even though his future seemed anything but what he hoped for, he had developed the strength and willingness to fight for his dreams, should he have the chance.

Live. Strength. Willingness.

Maybe this is what we lack. We need to realize that just because we are alive doesn't mean we live. We were made to LIVE, not just get by or survive. We need to realize that God has equipped us... that the strength needed to go after those crazy dreams comes from Him! That maybe, just maybe, He's the one that has given us those dreams. We also need to realize that dreams coming true doesn't just happen. We have to have the willingness to fight for them, to work for them.

Captivity may not be ideal, but it is comfortable. Comfortable in the sense that you don't have to make decisions. Life is dictated by others around you. There is hardship, but also security and stability. A paradox? I think so.

Freedom, yes it gives you the outlet to create. To create life, your dreams, to help and impact others. But the weight of such responsibility is tremendous. So we settle. A paradox? I think so.

So what are we willing to do with our freedom? How are we going to fight, not only for our freedom, but to see the result of it in our lives?

Let's not glamorize captivity any more.

Let's truly LIVE.

Of getting here and dreams

2012-07-26T23:51:00.001-04:00

Life seems to be such a blur.

Seriously, the older I grow, the faster time seems to go by, the harder I have to chase my dreams. But also, the closer they seem to be. I know I've written about this before, but I do it once again, as I am starting to understand it a bit better.

This is the time. The time to decide what we really want our lives to be like. The time to decide what is really important and what isn't. The time for changes, for decisions, for adventures, and for risk.

Because if not now, then when? I ask myself this often. If it is difficult now, how much more difficult will it be when we have a mortgage and the weight (responsibility) of that is on us? How about when we have kids? I am no longer a kid, but I realize now, that being an adult is a good thing.

My dreams are more achievable because the tools are now available. I am no longer (in a sense), a foreigner - I now have the freedom to work wherever I please, and to finish studying at a much more affordable rate.

I feel so incredibly blessed. All these things I've ever wanted are at my fingertips!!

I am giddy with excitement!

I have been truly blessed to be one of those people that have known what I wanted for a long, long time. I've just been held back from them by different situations that have been completely out of my control - and that, in itself, has been a huge blessing as well. Because now that there's not much holding me back from that stuff, I completely appreciate it to the most extreme and possible extent.

My story is not one of violence, or utter despair/hardship. But it hasn't been easy. It has taken a lot of time, effort, tears, hope and love to get here. And when I mention what it has taken, I don't talk about just what I have personally gone through to get here. I also talk about all the people that have extended their hands, homes, hearts; their money, their shoulder, their dreams; their advice, knowledge and experience - all to get me here. Why? I haven't always known or understood. But I am utterly grateful for all that. I am touched by all the gestures along the way, touched to the point of grateful and joyous tears.

'Thank you' doesn't do justice to my true feelings. So I'll say 'gracias.' The word my parents taught me to say when someone did something nice for me. Something maybe I didn't deserve or expected. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all. And I thank God, for never letting me give up, and because through all the changes, ups, downs, craziness, and awesome times - he has continued to remain the constant aspect of my life.

Every single person that has helped me along the way has given me more than what they helped me with at the time: You have given me a purpose and a dream - to give back by helping others.

There are plans in my head and heart as to how to do this on a bigger scale. This dream has been stirring in me for years, it was cemented the day I boarded a plane to New Zealand, and it has stayed with me ever since. I hope to see it come to life within the next couple of years. I pray constantly about it, I daydream with the day it'll be tangible, I talk Ryan's ear off about it.

There is a long road ahead, but like it was to get to this point, I see it as an absolute must, and definitely worth it. But I cannot wait!

Back to it all...

2012-05-18T03:13:00.002-04:00

I feel like I've come out of a mind comma. I'm not sure where the last couple of weeks have gone, so I feel a little out of it, and a little ready for the next step. A little shocked too.

Let me go back and explain:
Last month I had a huge art show, the biggest that I've ever aspired to. It was to be the launch of my latest and biggest dream, so I worked my butt off. For a couple of weeks I would stay up all night (along with my amazing mom), sewing, creating, printing, dreaming, and designing. It was hard work, but it hardly felt like work, because for the first time in my life, it had a real purpose behind it. It was the birth of www.repurposemedesigns.com
The art show came and left as fast as those sleepless nights. We had a big downpour an hour after set up, which only allowed for a few people to visit my booth. Within the first 20 minutes though, I got to sell one of our products, and spread the word to several people. The excitement was short-lived but it was encouraging at the same time. Seeing people take in the product was a pleasant combination of admiration and practicality. I was happy.
And as short as the art show was, I was thankful for the opportunity of sleep once again.

The weeks that followed were full of activities from dealing with the day-to-day tasks, to buying a new car, still going to PT treatment twice a week, Ry's birthday (week-long) festivities, mother's day, the discovery of a Colombian restaurant in town, heaps of laundry and cleaning, my brother's soccer tournament, and the new found addiction to a Colombian novela (soap opera - which btw, was amazingly written and developed, but that's another story).

So the last week or so, I immersed myself in spending time with family, and just resting - nothing else.

There's always that little pinch of guilt from not being productive, isn't there? Thanks to my hubs though, I was able to just let go.

But now is back to the reality we all must face.

And I welcome it.

As all things with life go, timing is of essence. And there is a time for everything.
So as much as I loved relaxing, back to my projects and dreams I go. Back to fighting, learning, and diving in. To reading, writing, loving and living. Because life does not wait for you or for me. It just goes on. And it is up to us to make it into that adventure that is waiting to be birthed from within us.

Of fears and goals

2012-03-24T17:06:00.000-04:00

One of the most, if not the most, challenging things when pursuing your dreams or goals are the fears we are confronted with.
There is the fear of failure. The fear of things not turning out the way we had hoped. The fear of what others may say. The fear of the challenge and what it implies. I think even at times, deep down, we have a fear of actually succeeding as well, because succeeding imposes on us some kind of change - and let's face it, change can be intimidating.
And so these fears, along with the challenge of starting something new, paralyze us. They dumb us, and we are faced with an internal struggle that we can make no sense of, that people around us don't understand (because as far as they are concerned, you have all the tools you need to succeed), and we have no idea how to solve.

I write about this because I struggle with it every single day.

Ever since I decided to not let life just happen to me, ever since I started on the project I'm about to launch shortly, ever since I allowed myself to dream again, and especially since I married my love - I began to face my own fears. For many reasons did all those fears come creeping in, but perhaps the most powerful was the realization that came with knowing that I now have more to lose than ever before, to know that what I do/don't do affects others.

So I started reading success stories of people that have done big things. What was their secret? How were they able to look past these fears and accomplish something of importance and impact?

Here's what I found:

Confront fear: What is the worst that can happen if that fear comes true? If failure happens, so what? You get up and try again, with a different method, or idea. Get a mentor and talk it out. Bouncing ideas and getting feedback with someone before, during, and after is always a huge encouragement and support point.
Write them down: Take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. In one write your fears down, and in the other one write down what would happen if they came true. With this you will see that while some fears are completely legit, we also tend to let them intimidate us more than they should. Keep that piece of paper and every time a fear haunts you go back to it and remind yourself what the worst outcome could be.
Take it one day at a time: Sometimes our ideas are so big and require so much work that it overwhelms us. Yes, it is important to see the big picture, but also to take little steps towards the completion of our projects. Taking it one day at a time gives us the ability to think objectively on the short term activities without compromising our goals. How not to lose sight of the finish line: Write a general draft of what you need to accomplish and divide it into weekly or monthly activities, then sit down and outline the details every week/month (one week/month in advance).
Put on a balance your fears vs. passion: what is it that you are really passionate about? If there is something that truly moves you, that you cannot stop thinking and dreaming about, that you believe you absolutely have to do or you will go crazy - that is your passion. And comparing it to the fears and the "what ifs", what will out weight the other one? Facing fears in light of your passion is definitely worth it, especially when it involves helping others. You never know how a project you have in mind may help others (whether inspirational, or practical solutions that they needed, etc.). So with this in mind, get a support group or a mentor that will keep you accountable and ask for updates on your work.
Go back to the basics: Sometimes we fail ourselves, our support group may fail us, our mundane tasks will get in the way - this is just life, it happens. So then discouragement will creep in. Go back to the basics, to remembering why you are doing this. What sparked the idea? Where were you when the light bulb went off? What were you doing? Do what it takes to remember it: write it down, tell someone the story. Just remember where you are coming from.
Remember this: For God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self discipline. - 2 Timothy 1L7 (NLT). Pray and give up your fears, ask for peace, guidance and courage in everything you do, and always thank God for the dream he has given you.

Fears are a very real thing, we all face them. More often than not our fears become the limit we impose on ourselves, the excuse we give, and the thing we abhor the most. But fears are also a great way to track our progress - the more we do, the bigger the risks and fears. But perhaps also the more worthy our endeavors are. So don't give up. Continue fighting. Search for perseverance and look for solutions daily. Life is an Adventure. See the glass half-full. Live our your story in light of God's purpose for your life.

A creative type

2012-03-15T23:56:00.000-04:00

It has been a while since I last wrote. I've been trying a bunch of different creative outlets, pushing and challenging myself daily. Not that I don't like writing, I most definitely love it. But I have felt like I needed to try new things because one day I want to be able to be able to make a living without having to work a normal job.
Yes, that's a big goal of mine. To be free. To work only if I need to learn something, but not to depend on the "security" of a job in order to help provide for my family.

Creativity. Such a controversial word.

Those who think they are creative, love it. Those who think they aren't, hate it.

I grew up thinking I was creative. My dad is a super talented and resourceful man who has spent his life designing custom cabinetry and kitchens. My childhood home had traces of his (and mom's) designs everywhere: from our beautiful wooden closets, to our state of the art kitchen, wood doors through out, entertainment center, and so on. (I don't think I will ever approve of a closet that has not been designed by dad... they just don't make them like that here) He can draw furniture like no one else, and also bring them to life. And my mom is also super creative, from her delicious food that is all done without recipe, to her crafts, and her beautifully crafted fondant cakes that once gave her the opportunity to meet Hulk Hogan's ex-wife to be hired as a pastry chef. Her resourcefulness and ability to dream and see those dreams into existence was what brought us here when I was 12. And it all goes from my parents up to generations before them. There are painters, interior designers, drawers, musicians, etc., etc. Creativity: It runs in our genes. And so it was natural that I was given the opportunity to learn how to explore this quality. How to build stuff, how to paint stuff, how to create stuff. I feel more at home with a hammer or paint brush in hand, than at a mall with cash in my hand.

However, as much as I have been described by this word, I had never really defined myself by it. It was always just the source of a hobby.

I paint to lose myself, to express some very deep and emotional feeling, to let go. I write to escape to another world, to become someone I sometimes don't have the courage to be in the real world, to fight my deepest fears.

As of late though, the word has become more of a challenge - one that mocks me, if nothing else. Because I started to wonder about the worth of the this quality I seem to possess, and then I also started wondering about what it is that I am supposed to do with my life. My worlds collided. Is creativity something I can use for more than my own joy? Is this something I can pursue full time in the future? Is this the reason I hate mindless jobs that not only do not require any creativity at all, but strive in suppressing it?
Yes, I think it may be. So I started to research like crazy about it, to dream more than I had ever allowed myself to, to start birthing ideas into life. I even contacted some 'creatives' around me in the hopes I could shadow them to see how these people that I admire so much channel their own source of creativity. I let myself try a bunch of different avenues, and also to be ok when some didn't turn out the way I had hoped. I let myself try, fail, and succeed. And it was good. Not everything worked out, and I am still in the beginning stages of this journey, but I have learned a few things:

All I can do is try, and not give up: I am learning to find my own voice, to seek different arenas, to understand out when it is ok to stop in one field and when to pursue another one. Giving up would only leave me struggling with the "what if's." I am still young. It is the best time to take risks, and learning is hardly a risk.
Creativity doesn't only encompass writers, painters, and musicians. It is also includes those who solve problems, those who seek to use innovation in their every day lives. Creativity goes past beyond a choice of career. And I believe all of us have a part of that in us. Some have tapped into it, others have heard those voices saying it isn't wort it. But we all possess it. It is all about our decisions.
Creativity requires courage, perseverance, and strength. It also takes discipline. Some of the projects I have been working on become tedious after the first hour, but commitment is a must. It is a must if I want to see if I have what it takes, if I need to learn more about a technique, if I need to try a new technique, if it even is worth it.

With that being said, I decided to harvest a life that involves more creativity, in every sense of the word. Because when I am creating, whether it is a solution, a painting, a story, the flow of my apartment, or whatever it may be, it is when I feel alive the most. And this has taken me in the most adventurous journey of my adult life - and I see that the possibilities are endless. So I have been working on a project that is very dear to my heart and I will share in the near future. I can hardly contain the excitement, because after all, we all have a key role in how our individual stories play out.

So with that being said, I leave you with my top three sources of encouragement and inspiration - for both the creative and 'non-'creative type alike:

An eight week podcast: currently on week 5. Download them (named "Artisan.") here. Talks about the artisan in all of us and how creativity ties in more into our lives' story than into the work of our hands.
Start Something That Matters: A websited created by Blake Mycoskie, founder of TOMS shoes, that focuses on Social Entrepreneurship and provides more resources as well as inspirational stories from people that have created businesses based on the "one for one" model. Also, he wrote a book about his journey to starting the TOMS brand, which you can buy here.
The Accidental Creative podcast: It contains a ton of content that I listen to weekly regarding how to become efficient in your creative field without losing sight of the creativity that is in us. He interviews professionals in different fields whose roles require creativity.

So there you have it, this is what I have been chewing on as of late. If you have any questions, suggestions, thoughts, anything, please leave a comment and I'll get back to ya. Feedback is great, and very much appreciated!

Amazed...

2012-01-12T23:50:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago my husband and I realized the time for me to quit my job was coming. We started talking about it, praying about it, planning our finances, and looking for a new job.
Now, I was aware that it was kind of crazy. I was making good money and had good benefits, so I was afraid of what people would think of me: "In this economy, your job is a blessing, you're crazy!" "what are you going to do now?" and so on, accompanied with those 'looks' people give you when they don't approve of something you're doing.

But it really came down to this: money is not everything to us. Now, we're not some kind of irresponsible kids who do things based on emotions and only remember responsibilities when they really start to choke them. We know we have to pay rent, car insurances, groceries, etc. But, there were various reasons why I needed to leave, and so I let my bosses know I was going to start looking. I wanted to be professional and considerate for them to fill my position because I managed a caseload - not an easy thing to just leave without a replacement as this 'caseload' concerns people's homes, after all.

So, the time came when I was supposed to step down from my position, but I had planned on staying until they found someone or I found a new job. That was the arrangement. For reasons beyond me, I was told out of the blue that I wasn't needed anymore,, even though no replacement had been hired yet. And to top it all, my last paycheck came down to a wooping $17, when I had expected $900 and something. Companies' policies sometime can be a killer.

We freaked out. I cried a little, pouted at the injustice of a few things going on,

and was mad for a while.

I didn't understand.

But my loving husband and supportive family were amazing, and so I calmed down and breathed.

We could get by for a little bit on savings and Ryan's job, but it was going to be tight. Especially because this same month we were moving.

So our plans were completely turned upside down:
- We wanted a bigger space. Now we needed to downsize and save as much as possible.
- We had planned to go to a conference (regarding our side business www.prward.com). We had no $ money for this now.
- We had expected $900 something from my paycheck to move, live, pay stuff, etc. I received only $17 as my last paycheck.

So now what?

Welcome to the real life. This was grown up stuff. I forget sometimes that I am 25. I am supposed to act like a grown up. But I wasn't ready. I didn't know how to react to this.
But we prayed, carried on, and kept knocking on doors.

Then I get a text: I was still able to attend the conference - my friend had an extra ticket.
We found an apartment: a nice one, in the area we wanted, with only a $150 deposit, and that would save us a bit over $150 a month of rent.
Shortly after, I signed a contract to coordinate a wedding and earned some unexpected money there.
And today, I came out of my third (and final) interview for a job I wanted. I got my foot in the door of the restaurant industry with a prospect to an awesome position down the road - which is exactly what I wanted!

This grown up stuff can be tiring, but man, the feelings you get when something unexpected makes your day, week, whatever, is amazing!

I am amazed at the way God has provided for us. At the way our families have been there for us. At the way things are working out for the best.

I am encouraged and excited.

I am nervous. No doubt, a change can make me nervous. But change is good. Change is challenging, and it makes me appreciate my loved ones even more. It makes me appreciate these blessings in disguise. And they teach me a lot about who I am, while reminding me where I come from, and where I want to go.
So 2012 is already quite exciting.

As I learned in that awesome conference I got to go to "we put our goals in rock, but our plans in sand." What may seem like a step down (from a good salary to a not so enticing hourly wage) may change our plans of how to achieve those goals. But the goals remain, and the change of plans will only make us work extra hard to accomplish reach those dreams. It will push us out of our comfort zone. And at the end, we will only be grateful for those challenges!

We are learning every day about being married, about fighting for our dreams, and about not settling.
And as crazy and tough as it may get at days, we are reminded that this is a journey, and we carry on with our hopes in sight, but never forgetting what we have learned along the way.

Thank you, God, husband, family & friends.

p.s. My reasoning behind the detailed info ($ and whatnot) is to prove a point of those drastic changes, and so that I may remember in the future, what it was exactly we went through during this time and how huge these miracles truly are.

2011

2012-01-06T02:20:00.001-05:00

2011. What a year.
It started out with a proposal.
It continued with a wedding.
And it ended with two families celebrating together.

I am in awe. I'm grateful and blessed beyond my wildest dreams.
Having my whole family back here again started off the year in an amazing way.
Being proposed to by the best man in the world made me the luckiest girl in the world.
Putting a wedding together with the help of family and friends made me feel so loved and blessed in such a way that I had never experienced before.
And ending the year with both Ryan's and my family was the coolest celebration! My heart is full.

There were definitely some challenging times though, but as I look back on them, those were blessings in disguise. Whether those tough times made me stronger, or taught me how to deal with certain people, showed me to plan better, or work on improving something about me, and even dream bigger... those hard things were important to go through.

I'm 25 years old. But for the first time in my life I feel like an adult. It was probably being married and having to think, and plan better for things such as budget, and life goals. It was probably that I found myself in a dead-end -8 to 5- mind numbing job. It was probably that I now had bills to pay, insurance premiums to figure out, meals to plan, groceries to buy, vet bills to pay, and all those other haunting, but necessary duties. The combination put on me a whole lot of pressure to figure out what to do with my life, and to do it now.
I was miserable in my job. And I felt like I gave up everything that I was just to try to make ends meet. I doubted whether there was something better than this... but there had to be. I don't want to live my life paycheck to paycheck, buying luxuries so I can enjoy them less than I wish I could because I'm too worried trying to figure out how to pay for them. That is not the life I want for me and my husband. We want simplicity, we want joy, and we want to follow our hearts.

I am truly grateful for my husband. I understand more and more what it means to be a team. He helped me through those hellish months of that miserable job and taught me how to be patient, how to not let it define me, and how to get as much as possible out of it. And I did. And its time to move on.
I learned that I'm not an 8-5 kind of person. That I can't work for a place that goes against what I believe in. That I need to surround myself with people that dream bigger than normal. That money really isn't everything, and a more simple life is more enjoyable. I learned that creativity is a must in my life - it fuels my drive. I learned that a fancy car and to dress like a model does not matter to me. I learned that my goal in life is to stand behind people and show them how to fulfill their own dreams. I figured out my life's project! I remembered how I love to travel. I remembered why I miss home. And I remembered that while I am an adult and have tons of responsibilities, my life has just began and my heart will always dream like a kid, and not see limits in what I can accomplish.

So 2012, I welcome you. Your new challenges and adventures. I open my arms wide to a year with my amazing husband and family. To a new job, new friends, new goals. With the same and improving strength, drive, and motivation. My plans are many, but I hold to that only One constant aspect of my life and pray that my path may be shaped on that foundation. And with all my might, I will work hard to see to life those dreams that have been engraved in my heart.

Husband, I love you and cherish you. Family, you grow ever more important in my life, and you all inspire me to become who I was called to be. To you all, I thank for your support in all this, and to you all I dedicate this year!

To Artists

2011-12-26T23:17:00.000-05:00

I'm no musician, but music touches my soul
I'm no dancer, but rhythms move my feet
I'm no photographer, but images move me
I'm no videographer, but moments are engraved in me

I don't have a piano, ballet shoes, or fancy cameras.
I don't know the tempos, steps, lingo, or technicalities
I have no experience or a job in these fields

But one thing I have in common with these
I'm a dreamer.
Somehow, I don't see the world like the rest
My mind is my world
And nothing in the physical limits me

I dream to push limits
Create, innovate, and invent.

One day, I will write a song
I will dance to my heart's delight
I will capture my soul in a photograph
And I will film a timeless clip

And that day is today
Because like these artists,
I refuse the unknown or the challenging
To stop me from doing what I dream
Because after all - I am an artist

Its a road full of the unknown
But more rewarding than the known
Rejections only motivate me
And trial and error are my daily dose

Music is my background
Rhythms are my caffeine
Images my starting point
And moments my inspiration

So here's an ode to artists
Forge your way and life
Shape, reshape, and start all over
And once you're there
Do not forget where you started
Or where you came from

Teach and never stop learning
Continue humble
And more importantly
Stay a dreamer forever

Oh Love...

2011-08-14T23:02:00.002-04:00

Messy lives. We all have them but pretend that we don’t. Maybe not all, but a lot of us like to hide them. It’s all about vulnerability really – we don’t want it. The reality though, is that without vulnerability we won’t get very far in life.

And that statement has proven to be so true in the few weeks I’ve been married, because marriage is tough. Oh so tough.

Get two completely different people under a roof and you will get a recipe for chaos. There are some funny chaotic situations, like telling your wife at 11pm that we are supposed to bring a side dish to a party the next day, leaving this wanting-to-prove-she’s-a-good-wife woman virtually no time to make anything. But then you run to publix to get some hot wings and sigh with relief when realizing that we are in America, so if you bring any dish primarily made of wings to a party… people will eat them!

And then you have some nasty chaotic situations, like the ones where tears brake lose and other places seem to do so also. The kind that drain you, and leave your heart hurting. The kind we wish never took place. The kind that makes marriage so, so difficult, and the transition from independence and not having to really care that much about another’s problem far from easy. But well, what do we expect? We are human.

Throw in your fears, baggage, insecurities, upbringing, past, dreams, needs, desires, schedules, responsibilities, jobs, families, and preferences – and things will surely be confusing and difficult to figure out.

On top of it all, attacks come subtly but swiftly soon after the “I do.” From all sides. Whether it’s a combination of all the things mentioned above at the worst possible time, or us, saying something without thinking of the consequence, or even others talking about something they know nothing about – and then it will get even more difficult.

I honestly had never known this kind of relationship, this kind of intimacy. It is tough, it is tiring. But at the end of the day, it is SO WORTH IT.

Why? Because this kind of thing is truly amazing and it is really an adventurous learning experience about love and what it implies. The fact that he is my best friend makes it so much easier. The fact that we serve the same God, who convicts us individually and together, is what gives us peace after those crazy fights.

It is truly something beautiful. Even in the little things, like when he surprises me with a sketch of 52 things he loves about me after I've had a long and hard day at work. Or like finding out a new way of loving my husband and thanking him for being who he is. And even finding that if I speak in a really high pitched voice and I squish his cheeks together he will blush like a two year old and I will giggle like a middle school girl. I absolutely love it, and there is no one I would rather share my life with.

So here’s to marriage: a messy but wonderful thing. Something that these words do not do justice to. Something that still seems so surreal but every day is so real. And here’s to my husband: A loving and lovable amazing man, whom I completely admire and makes me want to be a better wife everyday.

Career, purpose, calling.

2011-03-10T01:46:00.002-05:00

Not a poetic blog, just a clear-my-head blog.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about career options, my calling in life, and what the purpose behind it is. I am torn, because when I read the Bible, there is nothing specific about what job path I should be in, or what I can practically do with my talents. I think this is the beauty of walking with God and taking it one day at a time.
I'm not going to lie, however, its a little frustrating at times. But then there are days when I feel that this is one of those blessings in disguise. Not having a job, or very specific dream set in stone makes me feel like I am open to whatever God calls me in the different stages of my life. The confusion is still there though, but maybe patience is being developed?

When it comes to purpose, to me, the Bible seems to be clear: we are made to glorify God and have a relationship with him, we are to love people around us, and we are to do everything unto God (Colossians 3). Simple. Yet how does that translate into our every day life, our choice of career and job, and what about those talents that we were given? How do we focus on the after life, while we live out our calling here? How do you blend those two, without making our careers our idols (we do spend more than a third of our day working)? How do we use our abilities to honor God's calling in our lives?

I haven't quite figured it out.

I know a few things:
- I love the arts, anything related to creativity. My ideal job would involve something creative
- I would love to create a business that focuses on helping people. A self sustaining unit. A system, so that those that seemingly can't help themselves, can.
- I want to do something that combines people's passions and corner stones of life (God, family, love, community, hope, joy) into one.
- I love stories - whether written, spoken, painted, photographed, or filmed - I would love to learn how to tell them through all these mediums.
- I'm eager to figure out what I need to do, but enjoying the suspense and adventure.
- I really enjoy putting together events, and working hard on longer-term (months) projects for it all to beautifully come together in one day.
- I have SO many ideas swimming in my head of things I want to do, business related, mission related, family related, and hobby related.

So, I don't know what my next step should be yet. And I think I have the rest of the year to go back to school and start focusing on a career, but for now, I don't want to give up this restlessness. I want to press on to find out how to translate purpose into both worlds, how to live out my seven minutes, how to honor God through dreams, jobs, and life decisions. I was really inspired by this blog. I don't want the lack of knowledge to inhibit me from getting onto the right track.

There is something about the stroke of a paint brush, the ink of pen on a diary, the shutter sound of a camera, and the endless hours of editing a video, that simply strikes a cord in me. And since I think creativity, and pushing myself on this, is part of what my future life is going to involve, I am going to try a little experiment:
Every week day, I will do something creative and blog a bit about it on my other blog in a "Creative Today" section. It won't necessarily be anything big, or small. Just something creative. Maybe a short story, a drawing, a photograph, or even a paper flower. It may be a small portion of a bigger project. I just want to stretch my creativity to the max, but keeping in mind that all this does not define me as a person, it only complements who I am, and my daily activities. So here it goes...

Today I become a writer, an artist, an occasional photojournalist and filmmaker, a cook, a homemaker and designer, a diy-er at heart: I'm a mixed media artist. I choose to create a future, but to blend it with a purpose and a mission. To take advantage of this time on earth, while focusing on the life to come.

How do we get here?

2011-02-22T16:10:00.001-05:00

"Dear Pastor,

You should only be opening this letter in the event of my death.

When God calls, there are no regrets.

I've tried to share my heart with you as much as possible, my heart for the nations. I wasn't called to a place. I was called to Him. To obey was my objective. To suffer was expected.

His glory, my reward. His glory, my reward.

The missionary heart cares more than some think is wise, risks more than some think is safe, dreams more than some think is practical, expects more than some think is possible.

I was not called to comfort or to success, but to obedience.

There is no joy outside of knowing Jesus and serving Him.

I love you and my church family.

In His care,

Karen."

Karen was a 20 year old missionary. That's all I know. She lived out the cost of discipleship. How do we get there?

Seven Minutes

2011-02-20T15:16:00.000-05:00

Intertwined, beautiful, and shocking
The stories of our lives are like a fabric
The needle threads and carries out
The intricate work of its composer

Where it starts and where it stops, its never up to us
And our journey is a path to an ancient discovery
Where we are, where we're going, and why we're here
But most importantly, is the mysterious Artisan

Its an ancient tale that's repeated with every sunset
As lives begin and lives end with the sunrise
Full of options, opinions, and choices
Happiness and confusion is just part of it all

But this is true of all life
From the smallest to the biggest
The most accomplished and the most obscure
As surely as it begins, it also ends

So take heart and courage
Circumstances are but temporary
And more important than their presence
Is your response and your appreciation

Your seven minutes in this visible world
Will determine your timeless life in the invisible world

And sometimes, life stands still...

2011-02-17T02:39:00.000-05:00

Of art and standing still

Capturing life at its peaks
A high and a low
And all the moments in between

A spark such as a firefly's
The need to create
Or just let life stand still

An urge to appreciate
A call to not get trapped
A short-lived life
At 80 or 24

There's this need in me. Life sometimes feels like its slipping away, while I just watch it do so. I just want to make it count. Its something recent really, and perhaps its because of the changes that are about to come. Its a little intimidating, but not inhibiting. Its actually made me think and appreciate life more. But its also driving me crazy, because I am yet to figure out what I am supposed to do, how am I supposed to spend the rest of my life?

I sometimes wish I had the talent and knowledge to make videos or write songs. One of my favorite things to do is tell stories, whether through painting or words, it has always been something I am passionate about. However, up until recently, storytelling was always a private passion. I don't know what sparked it. Maybe I feel the need to warn others so they don't make the mistakes I have made, or maybe its so I never forget what life has been like for me. Maybe its a combination of both.
So for now, maybe that's my mission. To learn how to tell stories through a different medium.

"I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly."

New Beginnings!

2011-01-07T03:30:00.000-05:00

I don't even know where to start. But I have to write this tonight. I don't even want this night to end.

What a crazy and amazing day. January 6th is now forever engraved in my heart.

Earlier this week, Ryan had said he wanted us to have a date night. With all the craziness of the end of the semester, finishing a job at which I had been for almost three years, Ryan's hectic work schedule, my family coming into town, my birthday, graduation, and the holidays, everything had felt like a blur. An amazing blur, but a blur nonetheless. We needed some laid back and alone time, to take it all in.

I was more than ecstatic about the idea of having date night.

So I took my time getting ready. I knew what dress I wanted to wear. I took out my coat I had never used before. My hair wasn't cooperating, but in the end it worked out with my mom's help. My make up was just the way I wanted. And I waited for him to pick me up.

He got to my place, and my first thought was that he looked sooo handsome, I just wanted to hug him and not let go.
I hate it every time he leaves, and I absolutely long to see him and just be with him every time we're apart.

So we left, and we were our own silly selves in the car - that's us, laughing together and at each other constantly. He said we had reservations and was rushing to get there on time.
So we get to downtown St. Pete (one of my favorite places around here) and he says that before we get to where we're going he wants to stop for some tea - I thought, "that's so random, but ok!"

Then we realized neither of us have any change for the parking meter - oh crap, we better make this quick (I had just gotten a ticket there a month before). We walk in and he orders his tea. I have to use the restroom, and he says to hurry up. I come out and he's filling out something. He then tells me its a survey and hands me one. I'm thinking "I don't even like tea, hence why I didn't order tea, so how could I rate them on their service?" He said it didn't matter, so I just did it anyways. We finished it and the manager takes it, and then says that they have a gift for us as a thank you for participating in their survey. And then hands us this big box wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper. I thought again "Really?! that's so random!" So I want to open it and Ryan says to wait til we get outside. We get outside and I immediately ask if I can open it now, and he says to wait, that he's got a spot to show me.... I just wanted to open it right there! But I waited...

We drive towards the Vinoy side of town and he parks. There's a pretty little park in between the pier and downtown. A little peninsula with a bench facing the awesome downtown St. Pete buildings, with a little harbor in front of it. The sky is a purple haze, as the sun is setting, its windy and so romantic. We sit down, and he brings the tea because he knows I will "get cold and will want to hold it," I love how much he knows me. So we sit down in this perfect little bench and I get to open the present we got for being incredibly helpful by filling out that survey (in which all my answers were kept strictly to a "yes" or "no"). It turns out it was a box of some Christmas snowflake light thing.... what?!

I open the box, and there's some sort of book in it. It says "Our Story" ... I knew exactly what this was! I can't believe he did this!!! :D

Ever since the beginning, when we'd talk on the phone I'd ask him to tell me a story, and that's how our parallel characters (Bryan and Baola) were born. Every time, he would tell me how 'their' relationship was progressing. I loved it so much that I thought our story was worth writing down. But even though we had talked about it various times, we had never taken the time to write it out.
I'm a very nostalgic person. I want to remember everything. Sort of 'Notebook' -ish.

So he took the time to write everything down and turn it into an awesome scrapbook, describing our story, from the beginning to this point. I was shocked and amazed. He didn't miss anything. He presented everything so well, and had even our little inside jokes, names, etc. But it was so well written that others wouldn't be lost if they read it.

He read me the whole story, it was so cute! He'd miss lines here and there, I thought he seemed nervous (or in a hurry - I learned later - so we wouldn't miss the sunset). I laughed so much at some of the things he had written down. I seriously couldn't get over how absolutely amazing everything was put together. It was "us" on paper. I felt a huge sense of happiness, excitement, love, and... nervousness. I saw where this was heading. Could it be?

At the end of the story, I knew it, I knew what he was about to ask me! Oh my gosh! I had no idea what to think, except that this is it... this is what I never really imagined as a little girl, but how oddly enough, I was feeling so giddy (like a little girl) about! When I was little I was never the type of girl that daydreamed about her wedding day, I was more preoccupied with drawing, painting, and playing with my dogs outside, so now it felt like what I never expected or wished for had somehow now expressed itself to me as a dream, and became true, all in a matter of seconds. I wanted to cry and laugh, but more than anything, I couldn't stop giggling. We walked over by the water, and he said something, I don't remember exactly what, I was too busy looking into those gorgeous blue eyes and trying to keep all my emotions together so I could put into one word everything I was feeling. That one word that I had used so many times before, but that never bore the same meaning or importance, and that it never will again. He got down in one knee, and opened a little box while asking me if I would marry him. I said "OF COURSE!!!" without hesitation (I meant to say YES, but I wasn't even aware of the words that came out of my mouth - I had to ask him later what exactly I had said). I needed him to get up so I could just hug him and not let go! I didn't even see the ring. I felt it on, and I just kept thinking, "I love him. I am so not aware of anything else but that." Time stood still. Yet my thoughts were going 1k/second.

I'm going to be his wife. He's going to be my husband. Am I tearing up? But how, if I can't stop smiling?!

Ah, I have no idea how long we were there just hugging, laughing, and calling each other 'fiance.' But eventually we went back to what will forever be known as "our bench." It was getting really cold, so we walked back to his car and sat there and just talked. He told me everything. The fact that he'd had the ring over a month now! the fact that everyone knew! How he had talked to my parents and asked for my hand in marriage. Holy cow, all that he did for me! And then I got teary-eyed. Just like I am right now writing about this.

This is the man that was meant for me. This is the man that I'm going to marry. He is going to be the father of my children some day. And I couldn't be happier. I know through ups and downs, arguments and moments of absolute bliss, he's the one I want by me. Life with him will be an adventure. There are no words to really explain all this.
Is this how God feels about us? I realize this is a great example of God's grace. I am loved by choice, when I'm a sinner. I am fought for, and pursued, when I sometimes take life for granted. Wow. Marriage is going to be a crazy adventure! And I cannot wait.

So the night is not over. Seriously?!

He drives around downtown St. Pete and after some frustrating time trying to find somewhere to park, we end up at a parking garage. I don't recognize where we are (he had me close my eyes this whole time), once we get out of the building he says I have to close my eyes again, and he is now guiding me through the streets... talk about trusting him - I don't know why, but that simple act of walking around central av. with my eyes closed made me dizzy. I heard cars all around me, and with every step I took I honestly thought I was going to run into something, even though he was holding my hand and the six-inch rule didn't apply here. And him, being his witty self just said "this is a perfect exercise for marriage.... TRUST me!" Haha okkk, no argument there!

We go up some stairs, and then I open my eyes when we walk inside. I think we're at Ceviche's (one of my favorite restaurants). We go to the downstairs area and I start recognizing people. Esther is there, with Danielle, and Neal and Jesse, then Dan and Carol, my parents and siblings, Ryan's parents, Kels and Tiff, Tyler and Alli, JP and Marisol, Matt (who I had just talked to on the phone and kept it all a secret). Oh my gosh!! They all hug us and congratulate us. I have never felt so loved and supported in my life! I start telling the story of the proposal and showing my awesome and gorgeous ring off. I feel so girly right now. And so loved! Did I say that already? I cannot believe this is all happening. I'm in love, we're engaged, and the people closest to us, and that we love the most, are right here celebrating with us!

We ate, we laughed, and we shared a really special time together. It all happened so fast, yet I felt like I was so aware of every second that went by that night. Everything was perfect. The proposal, the ring, and the celebration. What could be better than this?

So it is now 2011, a new year, full of new things. I am engaged, I get to start a new job, a new life... but knowing that this year I get to marry the man that has exceeded all of my dreams and expectations is the best of this year's beginnings!

Thank you God, for this is only possible because of your grace, your love, and your hand in our lives. Our prayer is to live a life that's worthy of the call you have put in our hearts as individuals and as a couple.

And thank you to everyone that was there (and those who couldn't make it but have been there all along), for this was possible because of your love, support and prayers. We love you all dearly.

Thanks to our friend Esther for all the wonderful pictures! To see more of our surprise engagement party go here!

We cannot wait to share with you the rest of this beginning of our lives as one!!

Creativity... For Everyone!

2010-12-13T14:41:00.000-05:00

I just read an article by Jane Rubietta on creativity, and wow, was it inspiring!

The act of moving from place to place sometimes imposes certain limitations on you, especially when you're moving from a different country. Many times, I have felt like things are out of my control, and all I could do was wait and hope for the best. It has been crazy but so rewarding, and a time in my life that will always be defined as blessed beyond belief!

I have heard that during hard times it is when creativity flourishes the most, so I have occupied my time with trying to be creative, and its been fun. But being creative for the mere sake of creativity results in vain efforts. So I started looking for books on creativity and inspiration, but for some reason, I still didn't find what I was looking for. Until I came across this article in an old (2007) magazine I had, but never paid attention to (why I still have said magazine is beyond my understanding!)

However, a lot of what it said was exactly what I needed:

"Creativity is a matter of fact. We're all artists of sorts, attempting to interpret life through our words, actions, and work... By living out our God-breathed, God-reflecting creativity, we bring him glory and point others to him. Creativity is evident in actions, hospitality, atmosphere. It shows up in relationships too... Creativity 'arises out of the struggle of human beings with and against that which limits them.' If creativity is the 'ability to get away from the main track, break out of the mold, or diverge from the rest of society,' then creativity is a primary trait of people of faith who refuse to let the world squeeze them into its mold. It means taking risks, allowing God to surge forward through the opening... So much of creativity is choosing to look for - and celebrate - life in the midst of what feels like death. Attitude converts limitations into actions and creativity. When we're most limited, God is most free... Our self-imposed limitations stifle creativity more than circumstances. In fact, the deeper our need or more desperate we are, the more creative we tend to be."

The fact that God allows struggles in our lives not only to glorify himself, but also to teach us about creativity left me speechless. And its true: the closest I feel to God (sometimes in an subconscious, yet real way) is when I have accomplished something creative - whether a painting, a last-minute meal, a poem, or a gift basket arrangement - there is just something so exciting about that, especially during hard times! So it is time I quit complaining, start creating, and in so doing, glorify the one that has given me to opportunity to do so! This, I have realized, applies to every single aspect of life. Whether is trying to be creative for the design of a wedding, the planning of events, relationships and their hardships, writing, going through a tough day, studying for a final... there's something that happens when you throw in a little creativity and change the flow of a routine.

So the advice is (as paraphrased from the article):

* Be curious - as Einstein best put it: "I have no special gift. I am only
passionately curious."
* Reflect - Journal feelings and experiences, it'll open your eyes to little,
yet exciting things in life.
* Exercise - Aerobic exercise actually increases creativity.
* Be spontaneous - "Control is one of the enemies of creative living."
* Laugh - Vatche Bartekian said: "The more I've watched the connection
between humor and creativity, the more I've realized there is very little
difference between the terms 'Aha!' and 'Haha!' .. Enough said
* Try a different route - The simplicity of new sights, sounds, and places
encourages creativity
* Feel your feelings - "He best can paint them who shall feel them the most"
- Alexander Pope
* Grab some shut-eye - Essential for your mind to function right.

Hope it ispires you as much as it inspired me!

Just some thoughts...

2010-10-16T05:59:00.000-04:00

I truly love to write, and while some people say I should do it more often, I have come to enjoy writing only every once in a while. Makes it more special and less mundane.

Last time I blogged, was at the end of my spring semester here, and man oh man, what craziness has followed ever since, thank God he gave me a heart for adventure!

Life is full of miracles, blessings, surprises, and amazing-ness - every day - maybe I should write more often

First of all, while every month of the year seems to offer its crazy challenges, God has been so faithful, I really can't argue trusting Him, there really is no point, because every time I have tried to be in control, He's proved to me that only HE knows what is best for me. Silly humans, who do we think we are. He's outside of time, sees and knows everything, why do we insist in taking control from him?

Here's an awesome example of how cool it is to let God guide our lives:

So, I met someone. An amazing man of God who challenges me, excites me, loves me, spoils me, inspires me, encourages me, and is the most genuine and loving person I know. I love everything about him, his human-ness, his heart, his passions, goals, his past and his present. But the most attractive thing about him (besides his amazing blue eyes and adorable dimples) is the way he loves the Lord. As I look back to the short time we've been together, I am completely amazed and astounded by this very unexpected blessing. It is so surreal. Yet the coolest thing about this relationship is how real it truly is. We each have our own problems, pasts, and fears. We are so different. We frustrate each other at times and have had our hard times already. Yet there is this natural reaction to run to God together, and to confront all these things. I love it. Because it is not us, it is God, teaching us and molding us.
This is one of the most exciting adventures God has ever taken me on, and it is only the beginning. And yes, I think it is a very appropriate time for everyone to know, that I love Ryan Ward.

Another thing that I've come to realize recently is how amazing it is to truly live out church the way God calls us to. Every blessing I have received in my life has been the result of people that live this calling out. My parents and their amazing love. My super awesome brother and sister. The people that have become my family here (specifically every single person at house-church, my love and his awesome family, and Kels and her wonderful family), all the families that trust me to take care of their kids, friends from our Thursday night Bible study, and even people that don't know me but still have decided to bless me. "Thank you" doesn't do justice to how grateful I am for every single one of you and what you have done for me, and I truly want to apologize because I know sometimes I don't articulate my gratefulness. Your selflessness and generosity inspires and encourages me to do the same for others. Which brings me to my last musing for the night:

This is a broken world. Every day I am more aware of it. There is so much pain and hopelessness, and so many people live this life by just going through the motions. I have come to realize that I would rather feel so much that it hurts, than to be numb. Its hard to say it sometimes, and it would be easier to ignore it, because this decision asks much. It asks to do something about the brokenness. However, I'm a believer of living this life with a purpose, and while I most definitely don't have it figured out, I feel I am ruined for the ordinary. Its no secret I don't want a normal life, so might as well make it worth while and invest it in people, share the hope I have been given in Christ and the joy that comes from that, and to use my talents and passions for others and with a goal that, right now is beyond my understanding, but which faith makes evident. To bless how I have been blessed.

There is no other way I would want to live this life.