Rest co.

Hello Again:

2014-02-14T11:28:00.000-08:00

Lilacs in spring.

Well, I'm here now, settling into life in Northern California and adjusting to all that comes with a big move. I have been doing well, moving is stressful and I'm surprised at how my body has mostly handled it. There have been discouraging times and times of great joy. Life.

I hope to write more later. For the time being I'm going to share a few journal entries from the past years. It's surreal to look back on my writings from that period of waiting and I hope it might be encouraging to those of you who are still longing to come through your own dark night.

xoxoxo,
Maria
mariaaldersen[at]yahoo.com

May 15th, 2013

I dreamt of H last night. This time married, with a young daughter. We spoke of California, a trip he had taken with his family down the coast. There was resolution, no longer romantic longing, simply former acquaintances sharing of the lives we had lived. It felt like closure, acknowledgment of what could have been and why it never was. I woke and wanted to believe that was my night messengers purpose, a goodbye, finally putting to rest neglected longing. Yet all day I find myself yearning, nostalgic for the man in my dream. But real life means he is married, without a child, but still, married.

Now I'm in Snohomish, one hour left till evening, the window glass sprinkled with a faint settling of yellow pollen. This place is magic on a warm day. I see so many stories passing me on the street. Old married couples, middle aged women and young girls in all their innocent expectation. This place surrounded by rolling hills and farmland yet enlivened with art and honest simplicity. Mom and I used to come here when I was younger, I had such good feelings on those days. I might live here if here was California and it was a little less crowded with window shoppers browsing antiques. Still it's nice to sit and savor this marinade of memory and present.

Yesterday I climbed the hill on the south side of town, all the lanes, P through Y, dropping down to parallel streets of houses with a view. I got to the top and turned back to look out on the world. The panorama of islands, vast and majestic rising out of the sea.

The lilacs are in bloom everywhere I walk. They came early this spring, their fragrance blowing out on the air. I wonder when their scent fills this town next year where I will be, California?

I'm on the verge, at the in-between. Healthier yet not fully healed, moving forward yet waiting for the next step to become clear. I wait.

At night my dreams are filled with memories, past intimacies relived without the disappointment. All the confusing edges faded to a warm glow. Friends, family and former attractions revealing themselves to me as they could have been, without the pretense, without the fears.

Quickly Checking In!

2014-01-10T09:24:00.002-08:00

Hello everyone!

I don't have time to blog right now but I did want to mention I'm on instagram now so feel free to follow me there. My instagram name is mariabythemountains

I'm here in California, so far so good. There have been some bumps but mostly joy at being here. I will try to post in the new few weeks with an update. I would appreciate any prayers and well wishes as I look for a good job and apartment!

xoxox,
Maria

Back again:

2013-11-22T10:00:00.001-08:00

Fall Hike- October 2013

Hello all. I'm back for an update! Sometimes life puts things in perspective. For several weeks now I've been blessed with reminders of how good things are, even if they're not perfect, even if all my wants aren't arriving when I feel they should. It's amazing how resentment, fear and desperation can overshadow goodness. When I finally move past smallness and awaken once again to gratitude I am filled with a genuine joy for life, the exact one I'm leading right here, right now.

Each day passes and I weave in and out of the solace this relishing brings. I drive down the road and notice a landscape so stunning I have to remind myself to appreciate it and not be buried by the distractions of coming and going. I sit on the couch sipping tea and am momentarily freed from my body as a certain piece of music fills me and I have sudden perspective flood in, peace that transcends words and logic.

My health has been decent. Getting sick and being so slow to recover has meant coming to terms with my body- my less than optimum genes and my need to lead a lower stress existence. Sometimes I forget those needs and push. Yet I always end up coming back to this slower way of living and I feel some sort of relief in arriving home again, because this IS home for me. It's as if in finally being honest with myself I found the answers to the longings I've carried with me my whole life. The longings I thought I knew how best to meet but am again surprised to find instead met in the quiet and in the transcendent moments of happiness with kindred souls, animals and nature.

I was talking to my yoga teacher the other night. She and the other women in my class have become my village elders- the first group of women I've known to impart such peace and confidence to my still healing child self. I've been with these women for a year and a half now and the other night, standing out under the street light, my teacher commented how I had changed. How when she was getting to know me I talked of illness and family crisis and how now my conversation is of excitement and looking forward with strength to what I want out of this life. It's nice to move from subjective to objective, to get little glimpses that remind me change has indeed arrived.

I do feel stronger and more excited. In the last eight moths I have noticeably moved past feeling blasé, A feeling that plagued me for the past four years or so. And yet with more strength comes the unearthing of that which still needs wholeness. I've mostly accepted this. To resist would be to resist life itself....this is life, this is what it's made up of, the whole gnarly and glorious grind of our humanity.

For now moving forward means physically moving. I have a date set for departure to CA at the end of December. I have given notice at my current job, changed bank accounts and crossed things off to do lists and yet I still feel unsure. In the morning when I wake I want nothing more than to go! As the day wanes my confidence leaks away and I question if this will be one big expensive mistake. So I give it all up and pray- over and over, each passing day. I ask God to shut the door if it is not the one for me. So far it hasn't shut and that makes me happy. Mostly I want to go, but this is a leap and part of leaping is confronting questions and fears.

My health improves daily. I have dedicated so much to getting better and my return is a steady and slow building of vitality. My test results come back showing this to be true and warning me where I'm pushing ahead too fast. After two month of Cross Fit, I quit. The warning signs came, insomnia, rashes and other symptoms creeping in slowly. When I got my latest HTMA results back I had the confirmation I needed to know that the pushing was draining me. Yet I still felt stubborn and angry. Frustrated at this body of mine for not doing what I wanted it to be able to do. Frustrated that I had to give up a sport I could see myself enjoying for years to come...if I had a different body. Now I'm at a local gym, still lifting but slower and with more breaks. I'm actually enjoying taking things at my own pace and grateful that my body can do all it can, even if it means readjusting as I go.

This is the cycle. The ebb and flow of life. The audacity with which we approach our ideas of achievement sometimes to have them met with success other times to have our wrists slapped as we fight what is. But after all that comes a truth so quiet and still, so much better crafted to our own unique heart callings. And eventually received with gratitude because we know the feeling of strife that comes when we aren't living true. Returning to honesty feels like an exhale long over-due.

So that is where I'll leave things. I had intended to go into a longer explanation of my current health status but there's really not much to share. Things are improving, holding steady and then improving a little more. Time is the ingredient I still struggle with the most and I accept this now- my humanness, the flaws, my impatience and most of all this relentless love for life that returns time and again.

Have a sweet holiday friends.
xoxxooxoxo,
Maria
mariaaldersen[at]yahoo.com

Bigger than me....

2013-09-30T21:15:00.000-07:00

Whinthrop Wa, September 2013

Yesterday I had a rare cream filled coffee brimming with mounds of whipped decadence. I sat at the window and savored it deeply. These are the moments of quiet reflection that are saving me lately. I know I should be thrilled to be at this precipice....to not know the answers but know that change is coming sooner than later, but to be honest I've been a bit frustrated by all of the unknowns. I've been scared at the thought of my job ending by December and not yet knowing what my next step shall be. But I've been even more scared to stay at the same job. I don't know what to do next but I know that my present is not to be carried into my future, at least when it comes to work.

I'm a chronic planner. This is something I've used to feel in control of things that are really out of my control. I'm still coming across schedules in old diaries I kept when I was 10 years old. Yet if the past 6 years have taught me anything, it has been that our ideas of control around time, money, health and the future are a complete ruse, better left behind than stoked into false security and wasted hours.

Fall has arrived with torrential rains and heavy skies. My work hours are now part time and I have plenty of space to plan and scheme my next move yet that doesn't set well with me. Instead I've been resting. I've been taking naps and letting myself sink into rest without worry. I keep reminding myself this is a shoring up, a gift and a time to replenish before the next step appears. Rainy days and less hours to work, these I catch myself begrudging but then relishing when I realize the blessing this season is and that a higher power is allowing me space to prepare, maybe not logistically but psychically.....where it matters most. The practicality of logistics, budgets and timelines are overrated...a life lived with such focus crowds out the true magic and joy to be had. Yet this is a practice I have to keep at, some days are easier than others.

I've finally been reading Eckhart Tolle and trying to listen to him on my iPod when I'm out walking. If there's anytime to work on staying present, it is now. I resent and I relish the practice of being in the now. It seems so tedious at times yet when I let go of the future and live the life I'm currently in I feel my best. Plans have a place but I've been addicted to planning most of my life and this time I'm not sacrificing my days to the future.

So if that means waiting, waiting to know where to go until weeks before I go. If it means trusting that my community will be there for me in the perfect time and I don't have to rush forward to find my place. If this means settling into the now and my trusted comforts, the ones that carried me so well through years of illness. Well, I can mostly be happy about this. At my core I know I'm so blessed.

I was reading this and came across the words below. This sums up a lot of how I'm feeling. The surprising bits of melancholy and the thrill that strikes me when I really realize change is coming.

"It can feel sad and lonely and punch-the-air special all at once."

I'm mostly comforted to have made it to this point. I'm starting to see that life will be full of the ebb and flow of growth but beyond that is a bigger picture. Illness has been my most challenging hurtle, at times a relentless teacher yet now that I am steadily moving beyond that season I see new teachers arriving, opportunities to keep pursuing what really matters. This may take dedication but I'm stubborn and so my new plan is to stop obsessing about plans....! The answers will come but only if I give them space in which to appear. My faith holds me and is my deepest comfort. Beyond religion and my personal idea of God I hold a trust that there is a bigger picture at work here. The job interviews that seem so promising but result in dead ends are the links to my true path....a reminder that life is bigger than me.

xoxoxo,
Maria

mariaaldersen@yahoo.com

PS:

I just wanted to post a quick update for those of your who may be curious about my current health status. I'm doing well, holding pretty steady on my improvements in energy and well being. I'm still faithfully sticking to my Nutritional Balancing protocol. At the suggestion of my practitioner I read this book and have now been on NDT for 3 months, (this is a prescription treatment). I'm still building up my dose but I think it's giving me a boost. I have officially joined Cross Fit and I'm closing in on my one month mark of being a cross fitter. I love it and feel really good about how my body is responding to WODing 3x per week! Slow and steady is my motto and so far it's paying off!

Along with my new activity level I have changed my diet a bit. I'm no longer low carb since I've added some starchy carbs to fuel my body for workouts and recovery. This feels like the right step for my activity level.

I still have fatigue at times. I'm a good 75%, (sometimes more), of the way to optimum energy which is great yet I still have to be patient with myself. I'm not fully recovered so I can't expect to have boundless energy whenever I so wish. Some weeks are near optimum, others require I take it easy.

I may try to do a more specific health update post when I get my current test results back in November. If you have any questions please email me or leave a comment!

Hello September!

2013-09-07T21:16:00.000-07:00

Guatemala

I return once again to the needed catharsis of blogging. There is so much swirling around in my head these days and I know that I'll find some clarity by writing it out here.

I've come to the library for a change. To gather another stack of novels, something to focus my brain on when it's flitting around with anticipation. I brought my laptop and figured I may as well work on a post here, free from the distractions of home. To my left there's a picture window with a glorious view outside, a tree fluttering in the breeze, nearly all the leaves golden with falls early arrival!

I have two paths unfolding before me. I don't know which one to take but I keep reminding myself that this decisions isn't all mine to make. I've cast my net and so much opportunity has come back. More than I expected, an abundance that leaves me surprised and excited and also a little confused.

With summer winding down I resumed my plans to move forward with my California departure for late fall. I did my research, secured a great car loan and was nearly ready to buy a car, (that makes me a real adult, right?), one of the biggest links that needed to fall into place for my move. As this all began to come together I updated my work profile from Washington to California and was surprised to start receiving interviews and loads of interest in nanny positions within days of posting. I even interviewed for what seemed the perfect job- great hours, pay, location and family and yet….I felt unsettled about parts of it.

A few days later I thought to research short term early childhood education employment opportunities in Guatemala- a place I've visited several times and forever a part of my heart. From there I found opportunity, a possibility that surprised me but seemed almost meant to be! Yet how was I to determine if that was meant to be when CA was also coming up with abundant options… also, seemingly meant to be. Maybe the unsettled feelings were simply cold feet?

So here I am moving between action and waiting. Submitting resumes and scheduling interviews but ultimately leaving it all up to divine direction. I don't know which way to turn. Both possibilities hold a huge part of my heart, presently Guatemala is tugging at me more but I know my longings and they seem to have a mind of their own, sometimes here and then gone at lightening speed. God, divine direction, the universe... I've been calling out to that mystery a lot more lately and I know the answers will come with miraculous timing. My prayer...let what needs to go, go, let what needs to come, come...seems the best answer.

This morning I was out walking and passed a man burning brush in his yard. The smell, that scent of open fire that instantly evokes my strongest nostalgia for Central America…it all came flooding at me right then and there. For five minutes I wanted nothing more than to choose Guatemala and if I had asked for a sign minutes earlier that would have been my sure answer.

Instead of evaluating all this I'm trying to simply be excited. I don't have to list all the pros and cons of either choice, instead I remember that this is what I've waited so long for. This being able to even have a choice beyond illness! So mostly I'm excited. I picture myself in Guatemala, a stay that could be at least 3 months but possibly 8, and I love the life I see myself leading in that land of volcanos and open cook fires. I still see CA at some point, whether that be late fall or next year. But mostly I find myself with an increased longing for community. I want to embrace life more, I want more people, more fullness and more education. I want to leave this town that has held me for 6 years and fly. And wherever those opportunities may be, that is where I want to go.

I gave up so much when I moved here. At the time that was what I had to do. I felt compelled with all that was in me to stand my ground and change the course of my life. So I let go, I let go of my community, most of my friends and family, my beliefs and my measure of success. I spent my time of respite redefining myself, my values and my dreams. Yet I had to hold back to heal. But here I am, feeling stronger, ready to leap, not sure where but confident the time has come and I can do this!

In the next few weeks my path should become clear. Presently I intend to soak up all the wonderful cozy, crisp and romantic feelings of fall before my departure. My days are winding down, in the coming weeks my job will slowly shift, less hours, more time to pursue what's on the other side. I should be here for several more months and then it will be time to say goodbye. The mystery beckons....

xoxox,

Maria

mariaaldersen@yahoo.com

Hello August

2013-08-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

August days.

Well I made it through July, what a month! I spent most of it working and by last week I was starting to really feel it. I needed my space, I craved being alone. July was a bit of a crash course back into time management. I can see that it's really going to pay off now that I'm working 30hrs per wk and could easily waste my extra time but I'm not because I have a renewed appreciation of how valuable time is especially since I'm feeling better!! I'm not a proponent of working overtime or even 40hr weeks but I think this 5wk run of long hours helped me get back in touch with time and it's value. After nearly 5 years of having to force myself to let go of all my ideas and ways of organizing time, getting back into a groove feels wonderful!

Every year that would pass during my deepest time of illness felt like it took forever and rushed by simultaneously. At times it was troubling to see years slip through my fingers so quickly with so little to show yet there was nothing I could do about it but to let go. The years between 24 and 28 were a blur of trying to fill my days when I had little inspiration or energy yet also trying to will the weeks forward so my body could absorb all the remedies I hoped would bring me vitality. So it feels good to be here, to have some sort of structure and find myself reacquainted with time in a different way. There truly is a season for everything. Because I have experienced the free fall of years of waiting I no longer begrudge having to get up each morning to go to work- it's a blessings....I can finally get out of bed and actually go to work. Yeah life!

Weekend quiet.

With my days growing fuller I sometimes find myself longing for the wide open spaces that illness created. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to be feeling better but it's easy to get caught up in distractions and forget how much the soul needs space. Last Saturday I carved out an entire afternoon to simply be in nature and watch the leaves flutter in the breeze. What bliss! I rode my bike through town, stopping for my favorite snacks and then I went down to the water's edge and stayed there for nearly four hours. I soaked that time up with such deep appreciated, mostly appreciation that I really and truly know how to relax. No matter how life unfolds I will always know how to go back to that sacred and quiet place in my heart that grounds me so. Knowing how to truly relax is an art and one of the greatest gifts illness has given me.

It struck me the other day, this is the best summer I've had in nearly 6 years. The weather, the work, the growing peace of mind. I'm actually starting to believe I have a strong body, I'm telling myself that I do because it's finally dawning on me that I do and I can start stepping into it! I felt consumed by exhaustion and weakness for so long but I'm beginning to identify with another part of myself. I still intend to take life slowly, I never want to rush the way I used to, but each week unfolds and I get a little more of myself back- this time more alive in my heart than ever before.

There is so much more I could blog about. Dreams beginning to unfold and how exciting it is to finally feel my zest and passions coming back. I'll try to post again soon!

Thank you so much to everyone who takes the time to drop my a line, those emails are the main reason I come back here for these check ins! So do keep writing, even if I don't get back to you quickly I still read and appreciate each and every email!

Have a sunny week!

xoxox,
Maria

mariaaldersen@yahoo.com

PS: I still think it's good to "waste" time here and there.

PPS: This show is one of my favorite ways to do just that!

The Fullness Of It All

2013-07-18T17:05:00.000-07:00

Work, rest, eat, repeat. This has been my life for the past few weeks. I'm doing well. More and more I notice myself moving past merely surviving and edging closer to thriving.

I needed work this summer, not lots but enough to save for a down payment on a used car. When I was offered my currant job I took it in faith because it felt right and the family was nice but the hours were iffy. The job practically fell into my lap three days after officially being done with my other position so I figured that meant something and I just went with it. Well, the hours have come and more than I even wanted. I'm working overtime for a nearly 5 week run and than fortunately I get to go back to my 30hrs a week sweet spot for the rest of summer and fall if I so wish.

And so I'm making it. I'm resting in the evenings and sticking to my 10pm bedtime. I still have the energy to come home and cook dinner if I need to. I'm certainly not at the top of my game or living with the carelessness of my early 20s. And yet, who cares! I'm just so damn grateful to be doing what I'm doing, to be alive and getting another chance at living, this time with an appreciation for even being able to work at all. I can barely believe that last summer I wasn't working nor the previous 3 summers before that. Now here I am plugged back into life in this way and feeling like the movement is mostly forward. This feels like relief, an accomplishment to be finally arriving here.

Of course I want so much more. Some sort of further education and more energy so I can learn things like gardening- all tools to help me lead the peaceful and intentional life I envision. But right now this is where I'm at and I'm not complaining one bit. This is enough for now. I've waited, I've experienced what it feels like to fall out of "normal life" and I've processed the longing to reengage when it wasn't possibly but now here I am starting to do just that, reengage! My desire to enjoy each day mostly trumps any angst about checking things off a life list. Today has so much goodness, the perfect path will unfold but I ain't wasting the now. Life can be trusted, I now know this to be true.

The word that keeps coming to me these past few months is fullness. My life is filling up, my days feel full. I no longer wake and have to continually work on coming to terms with waiting, day after day, week after week, month after month. Yes, I'm still waiting for things but it doesn't feel like the past 5 yrs in terms of time and the way it troubled me and then eventually taught me. Those were such rich days and part of me misses them but moving on feels wonderful.

Last night I was looking at the sky and something about the clouds made me think of all my days spent on the couch. I would lay there watching the clouds pass, reading, waiting, despairing and hoping. Oh the longing, the unknown, what teachers they became. I saw those clouds and was taken back to that place, there was so much sweetness there and I realized how much of my heart will expand every time I recall that season. It was hard but it taught me of trust, what to love and what to let go of.

Some of this fullness is really stretching but it feels like a good expansion, not forced or premature rather divinely lead with kindness and compassion. Sometimes I think I need to force things but as I let go and have faith in the divine I see how gentle change can be. We humans tend to be so hard on ourselves, pushing and berating when we don't measure up. I'm starting to understand how unnecessary it is to pursue change that way, what a sad way to exist.

Other parts of this fullness have to do with feeling better and thus having more reserves to do things on my weekends instead of spending the entire two days on the couch recovering. It's wonderful to wake up most Saturday mornings and actually want to go somewhere after a full work week. This is new, yes I know this is how my life used to be yet this time around I'm going out and actually living. I'm spending less time on worry and comparison and more time appreciating all the simple things that really do make up the grandest joys!

xoxo,

Maria

mariaaldersen@yahoo.com

Hello!

2013-07-06T12:55:00.000-07:00

Summer Solstice

Hi everyone. Just a quick end of the week check in! Since I've started posting again I've mostly had readers contact me who are on their own recovery journey from adrenal burnout. So for the most part I'm going to update on my health, how i'm feeling and the wonderful successes I keep witnessing as the months pass. It's not all highs and easy successes but it's mostly good. Some weeks are better than others, I'm still not at a place of consistency when it comes to feeling good all the time yet I have come so far and I want to make sure and share my progress as a means of encouragement, honesty and motivation for anyone who may be feeling discouraged or is simply curious. I'm going to try and get these posts up as quickly as possibly so please excuse my lack of editing. I find if I just make this as uncomplicated as possible I'm more apt to consistently post.

This past week was wonderful, one of my best weeks yet! I worked and made good food, I road my bike lots, peddling down to the farmer's market, feeling like I was living the true small town, island living experience I dreamed of during my years of deep fatigue. I also started a new protocol since getting my latest HTMA results last week and I've felt pretty great all week long. I feel more calm and steady. I think the emotional release of letting go and really practicing the idea of divine direction is boosting me to a new level of freedom I had yet to experience. I imagine that this emotional shift has translated into more energy and peace of mind as well.

As soon as I have a question about anything it goes straight to prayer and I let go of stressing about the best solution. This week I practiced this in regards to exercise. For the past few weeks I've been debating about going to a different, more established Cross Fit box- this time with more of a focus on building up slowly in the hopes that a more established gym would have better trainers. I've been praying about what to do for a few weeks now and feeling hesitant to jump into anything too big. This week I had a new clarity enter, an idea to simply walk more hills and utilize the 65 lbs of children + stroller I am pushing when I go on walks with the kids I care for. This has worked out fantastically so far! We climb steep hills, I get a really amazing leg workout in, all the while enjoying the sun plus creating entertainment for the children. And whoa, I'm climbing hills and pushing 65 lbs as I do so!! Um how'd I get here when I used to only take 30 minutes stroll and feel done it for the rest of the day?!!!

In addition to the hills I'm keeping at my yoga and doing a facebook pushup challenge, (100 pushups per day). I took a few weeks off from yoga class but now I'm back at it and I realize what a balm to my soul the class is. The teacher is one of the wisest souls I've ever encountered and that translates into an amazing class environment. It's a total mind body therapy with lots of liberal minded middle aged folks who embrace me and buoy me up with great encouragement every time we meet! They're truly a special group and I feel so healed by their authentic love and support.

For upper body strength I do my modified pushups and feel stronger each passing day. And just like that, I have a convenient and free summer workout routine that is just enough for me to build my strength while not pushing too hard. Again, the answers eventually come, we simply have to create the space for them enter.

Yesterday I was out riding bikes with my friend and I had to remind myself several times what a blessing this is. I realized that last July I had just started my yoga class 1x per week and here I am a year later climbing hills and riding my bike all afternoon long and doing yoga on my own and in class! So I am succeeding at this recovery thing. It's taken time. There was a good 6 week period this spring that I had to pull back because I had pushed too far and fast yet I never fully crashed like I would have in the years prior. Now that I'm respecting my need to rest and not push it seems the natural path to gaining strength is opening easily before me. I find my best routine is when I can lay down and close my eyes for at least 30minutes each afternoon. If I get 9 hours of sleep at night than an afternoon rest doesn't feel as necessary yet most nights I'm lucky to get in 8 hours before work so I try to lay down mid day, (one of the perks of being a nanny to small children!).

So here I am- this my account of a miraculous journey. I hope my sharing is as honest to the story as possible, that is my endeavor. I very much enjoy hearing from anyone who is going through a similar experience and simply may wish to share where they're at and what it's been like to experience illness of this sort.

Happy weekend to you all!

xoxo-

Maria

mariaaldersen@yahoo.com

Kitty Coco- living the good life!

A Few Bits and Pieces

2013-06-30T21:49:00.001-07:00

Another Sunday afternoon and another sunny weekend. The weather here is growing unusually warm, usually we can't count on summer until after July 4th but this year seems to be full of surprises with temps already pushing 80! What a blessing it has been to have sun for nearly all of June and lots of May. One of the reasons I had originally planned to leave for CA at the beginning of June was because June is usually one of the worst weather months up here in Western Washington. Yet here we are at the end of the month and it has been mostly spectacular. I've had so many good weather days this spring- lovely Seattle days and dreamy evenings walking home from work looking out at the sweeping views of the islands rising from the sea. It's amazing how we can think we know what's best for ourselves but sometimes there's something even better that comes when things fall through or plans reshuffled. Being here this June and through the summer has become a relief of sorts, a sweet season to really enjoy this place with more energy and spend some magical summer days with family and friends. I'll be soaking it all in for sure!

I just wanted to stop in and share a few bits and pieces that have been floating around my head lately; more thoughts on faith and some book recommendations.

I started reading Tosha Silver's "Outrageous Openness" last Friday and although I'm usually a rather slow reader I've been having trouble making this book last as long as I would like. After having several pivotal experiences of divine direction over the past two months I was thrilled to read this book and find it affirming what I've been trying to put into practice more and more. It's been so freeing to create my own faith path over the past few years and I feel like this is the final boost I needed to really settle into the life of faith that so appeals to my soul. I know our spiritual paths are an ongoing evolution but to be at this place of growing serenity after years of loss and deep confusion is such sweet peace to my being. It's amazing what we can survive and the beauty that can arrive from the darkness if we open to it.

Silver's book is a collection of short stories, instances where she has opened to the divine in search of direction, meaning and healing and has been answered in stunningly clear and, at times, amusing ways. I recently experienced this divine direction when I was reevaluating my chosen healing protocol and wanting to make sure I was on the right path for optimal healing. I prayed and sensed in my gut that I needed to stay put and fully embrace what I had been doing yet I also wanted to be utterly and completely open to any paths that I might have been ignoring.

As I was out taking a walk one day, nearly 10 minutes after I had put my request to God for direction regarding all this, I passed a favorite vintage sky-blue car. This is a car that has been parked on the side of the road for as long as I can remember. A car that I have admired many times for it nostalgic charm. Yet this time, walking along, lost in thought, I glanced over and saw a diminutive decal on the back window that I had never noticed before. "Let It Be" the swirly words read. And there I stood realizing the answer to my quandary and my prayer was in those words- let it be. My answer and my reassurance to let it be and keep doing what I've been doing, to stay the course. A sign that I had passed endless times on my walks over the past 5 years and yet up until that point had never noticed. I don't know if it was the weather, the way the sky was overcast but bright in places that made that old dusty sticker so suddenly so visible, but every time I have been lead to doubt I recall that moment and find myself sinking a little deeper into the wonderfully mystery of it all! The answers are there, sometimes we simply have to ask for them.

And then there has been my lovely summer job, a position with wonderful hours and pay. So I was truly exhilarated to read "Outrageous Openness" and realize just how relevant it is to my life. I find myself even more inspired to live a life of prayer and expectation for divine direction, no need to figure it all out on my own.

Sometimes this unfolding takes time, lots of time, maybe even years. Yet the next step does come and sometimes there is more then one option. I've found that waiting is often the biggest ingredient in knowing how to proceed as paradoxical as it may seem. Sometimes answers come 10 minutes later, sometimes months or years are the required investment. Maybe waiting has been such a big theme in my life because of my deep tendency to rush ahead and live in near constant impatience. These years of illness have certainly afforded me the lessons to become a more patient person and I finally see the tender blossoms bearing fruit. It feels so good.

Another book I've been reading is "Animal Vegetable Miracle" by Barbara Kingsolver. I espcially love this book as I've long held the dream of having my own little urban homestead one day. Kingsolver's tales of returning to the land and growing her own food have me dreaming of the day I can sink my fingers into the earth and experience the thrill of co-creating with God. Last week I rode my bike down to our farmer's market and bought a bounty that has contributed to some amazingly fresh and simple meals the past few days. Reading about gardening and deeply appreciating what the earth provides for us has taken my enjoyment of good food to an even deeper level.

Well, that's all for today. Thanks for reading my ramblings and for letting me know that they still matter! It is a joy to share this journey with my fellow travelers.

xoxo-

Maria

mariaaldersen@yahoo.com

Growing My Faith- An Update:

2013-06-18T17:41:00.000-07:00

It's been too long since I've written here. I'm not too busy to write but my focus has shifted these past 6 months and updating a blog takes dedication when the motivation dissipates. Yet I feel some responsibility to return to this space. I still have blog posts bouncing around in my head and It doesn't seem fair to just leave those of you who still check in waiting so long. So, sorry to whoever is still curious about my recovery or looking for continued encouragement. I will try to do better and next time hopefully a month doesn't pass without posting.

It's Sunday evening, (although I doubt this will get posted for a day or two). It's been a good weekend, sunny and warm, relaxing but not boring. I worked and read and found my greatest happiness taking walks and sining with Patty Griffin as I cooked in the kitchen.

Oh how to articulate what has transpired since I last wrote? All the feelings, the pain and the love I have for this complicated, confusing and wondrous life. My faith was stretched and I did not come up wanting. The answers came, not all resolution but answers that held the next step. The answers that grew my faith into something I've admired in others.

Since Cali and the weeks following I had a mild crash, nothing like the physical crashes I used to have but still a downswing in feeling well. My body had been running on overdrive, I had seized my newfound energy and pushed too far. Too far was still meted, still less than what many would consider too much, but it was too far for me at the time. My body was adjusting to a new protocol and it felt exhilarating to have a bit more energy but at the same time I didn't feel like I was totally balanced. I pushed and rested, hoping that I would just progress without having to pull back. Well, I had to pull back. I had to give up Cross Fit for the time being and I had to let go of all the big exciting plans I was starting to brew for summer and fall. Maybe not let go completely but loosen my grip.

Thankfully my energy never bottomed out like it used to, I did feel a bit more tired but I didn't completely crash. My main reaction to pushing too much was a rather strange one. I started loosing all ability to balance my body temp and had spells where I felt extremely hot and rashy. This is very uncomfortable and inconvenient and it's a symptom that I can't ignore even if I haven't been overcome by fatigue. I have to admit, it's one of my most frustrating symptoms and one of the hardest to clear up. This issue had really died down for a long time but having it flare up again was a reminder that I'm not fully recovered yet and ultimately I have to let go, let go, let go.

The long story short is that this has to do with adrenal burnout (duh!), a severe yin deficiency as well as thyroid issues, (and possible retracing). The heat/rash is strongly related to all three. So, I've upped my yin tonifying herbs, backed down on my protocol, (1-2x per day), and begun to look into more thyroid supports, (more on that in a few months). I'm starting to feel more balanced but I sense dysfunction waiting to revisit if I jump ahead prematurely and push when I need to continue healing.

Through all this tumult some pretty amazing things have transpired. First I started writing. I found myself compelled to document more deeply all the feelings of hardship and joy I have experienced through this. And by "this" I mean the almost 6 years that have spanned my illness. Having to pull back and witness my body revisit such difficult symptoms really got me in touch with emotions I haven't felt in some time. So I started writing and haven't stopped. If I ever write a book, the pieces the past few months have birthed, will be what I pull from. If they don't become a book I will still have some amazing memories to look back on years from now and something special to share with my descendants. This has felt like important work, fleeting memories that I need to document before I forget how all encompassing illness can be. The deep dark places and the dazzling light that continually restores me. It's been challenging and beautiful.

Secondly, because I had to let go of my CA plans for June I needed to find another job to carry me through summer here in the PNW. My wonderful nanny position was slated to end at the end of May and I felt rather ambivalent about finding a position for summer. It wasn't that I didn't want to continue working, it was just that I had become so comfortable and secure in my job that the thought of having to go out and find something new was draining. I didn't feel I had the energy to "pound the pavement" like I had in the past. I needed work and by the end of May nothing had fallen in my lap as had happened with my other job. So I prayed and I tried to let it go. I tried to believe that if I needed to "pound the pavement" I would have the boundless energy that that seemed to require, (I live in a rather smallish town with limited job opportunities). I tried to believe that even though I didn't have a summer job lined up something would appear in just the right time. But honestly this trusting thing felt somewhat absurd. Thankfully the people who care about me the most kept encouraging me to believe. I trusted and doubted and tried to put it out of my mind. Then just like that, three days after my job ended, another nanny position opened with two wonderfully sweet children. I needed a mellow job to carry me along as I continued to heal and yet again I learned that letting go leads to the best answers.

Work is usually not a blog worthy topic but I share this story because it encouraged me so. Last fall, after not having "worked" for several years, I got a job. That was a step I had worried about each passing year I wasn't employed due to my overwhelming fatigue. Again, it seemed absurd to be so young and not working and I worried about "dropping out of life" and having it really affect my future. And yet, when the time was right, I easily transitioned back into working slowly and steadily. But this time I wondered, would it be that easy, maybe that had simply been coincidence after all. Yet once again, exactly in accordance with the energy I had to expends, a job came along that I can engage in without draining myself.

So my faith grows. Meaning comes out of chaos, answers eventually arrive from all the dead ends and I continue to sense there's something deeper at work here than just getting over an illness. Hope illuminates doubt and love grows stronger than the heartaches we encounter in this life.

Love to all,

Maria

contact: mariaaldersen@yahoo.com

Readjustments

2013-05-02T20:55:00.001-07:00

April was such a full month, not busy, full. It was equal parts exhilarating and stretching, certainly not a breeze but closer to healing and so many moments of hope were had. As I wrote last time, I'm at the in-between place. I think much of life could be described as the in-between but some seasons more so than others, I suppose the in-between is actually the journey. When I was really sick I was in the healing, the waiting, the having to practice faith minute by minute. Now here I am, my energy having gone from 50% to maybe 70%. It's amazing what even a small increase can do for your hope and sense of well being. Yes, I still have a ways to go but man that small leap sent me joyfully into life a little more fully than before!

I'm an aries, aries tend to charge through life with huge enthusiasm. I used to feel bad about this, I thought I needed to be more staid, more slow in moving forward. It never helps to feel bad about something. Now I'm seeing maybe I can just accept this part of myself at face value with a lightness of soul and willingness to readjust when things don't always go my way. I breath easier with that kind of perspective. Kindness to self, it's always a win, win.

So, here I am readjusting. California was fully in the works for June, my currant job was slated to end in May, I almost had all my finances lined up for a big move and I was feeling balanced enough to handle the stress that comes along with change. I felt set on leaving in June, I didn't want to endure one more rainy month in the Pacific Northwest! But unexpectedly one of the big links in my financial preparedness fell through and I had to come to terms with the fact that to leave when I had hoped would mean a massive amount of stress trying to force things to happen. If my health was fully recovered I could probably handle the additional stress but it's not and I can't risk putting myself in a hole just because I'm attached to a certain time line.

Mt. Baker- getting out and about in the Pacific Northwest.

I gave myself permission to feel sad about all this, I did for a wee bit but mostly I didn't want to waste my time and joy on disappointment over something that would merely be an adjustment in the grand scheme of things. So I will be staying here for the summer. Now I have an additional 3-4 months to work and prepare for my departure and I feel good about this. Sometimes there's a twinge of disappointment but mostly I'm excited to really soak up summer here in the PNW with more energy than I've had in years. There are so many things I have put off doing, islands I have wanted to visit, mini trips to places near by, BC, Whistler, all excursions I just didn't have the energy or financial means to visit and now I do!

So, here's to summer, to readjusting with as much joy and ease as possible and staying alive to the new possibilities each day offers!

xoxo

2013-04-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

Taking it all in- The Getty, LA, April 2013

I'm at this in-between place. I don't yet have enough energy to take on any big projects outside of work, physical movement and life in general yet I have enough of an increase in energy that I find myself antsy at times. Some days I fill this unknown space by snacking too much and ruining lunch and dinner, other days I'm at work so I just keep going on walks and staying outside as long as the weather permits. The truly balanced energy I have is expended and then I'm left with this in-between feeling of wanting to act but not quite having the get up and go to do so. School, art, more relationships, I'm not quite there yet.

This is all a normal part of the healing cycle. I remind myself it's a blessing to be at this in-between point. Last spring I was still deeply fatigued and it was a big deal for me to simply start a once per week yoga class. Afternoons glued to the couch are mostly a thing of the past although I did have to put on the brakes this weekend and spend a good amount of time resting from my very full week.

Many of the activities that used to fill up the waiting don't interest me anymore: napping, TV, daydreaming...none of it satisfies like it used to, my needs are shifting.

This morning, after Cross Fit, I rode my bike along the water's edge. I'm already growing stronger, last week I could barely walk my bike home after class, this week I'm able to ride after. The weather was awe inspiring, light glittering on the water, the sky emptied of all winter's heavy clouds. I made myself stop often to sit and still myself and let the views refresh my perspectives. "The Ponds" kept running through my head, "But what in this world is perfect?", what a beautiful line. At one stop I sat and recalled a list I had made about my ideal home- the town I hope one day to live in. I think it may be in California or that may just be a starting place and it could yet to be discovered. My list was mostly about sun, water, good food and a nurturing community, that's what I envision as my ideal home.

Sitting there with the sun shining down, the water at my feet and having just come from an environment brimming with new people who couldn't be more kind or connective, I realized that I am living that life on my list. Maybe everyday isn't sunny and most likely this isn't my forever home, Cali still is the plan, but the point is that I live today, that I live the now.

I don't want to spend these days straining forward when I could be sinking into what I've already been given. I believe we're bestowed with so many gifts in life but often they go unnoticed as we scurry ahead to the next goal or bemoan what hasn't fallen into place yet. But if the journey is actually the destination then the futility of waiting for it all to come together makes living for today impossible.

The fact that I get to move my body again, that my legs can already do more that I would have thought possible, that my mind rarely goes to the dark places I used to live when I first got ill, and that my heart is opening in ways I never understood before, is really the point of all this. I believe there's a voice speaking to me, the Divine within, when I get still enough to I hear it I'm amazed and once again I find myself breathing thank you, thank you.

The Ponds

Every year
the lilies
are so perfect
I can hardly believe

their lapped light crowding
the black,
mid-summer ponds.
Nobody could count all of them --

the muskrats swimming
among the pads and the grasses
can reach out
their muscular arms and touch

only so many, they are that
rife and wild.
But what in this world
is perfect?

I bend closer and see
how this one is clearly lopsided --
and that one wears an orange blight --
and this one is a glossy cheek

half nibbled away --
and that one is a slumped purse
full of its own
unstoppable decay.

Still, what I want in my life
is to be willing
to be dazzled --
to cast aside the weight of facts

and maybe even
to float a little
above this difficult world.
I want to believe I am looking

into the white fire of a great mystery.
I want to believe that the imperfections are nothing --
that the light is everything -- that it is more than the sum
of each flawed blossom rising and fading. And I do.

~ Mary Oliver ~

Life in bloom and letting go....

2013-04-18T10:25:00.001-07:00

The tulip fields- Skagit Valley, WA

I have thirty minutes before I have to get ready for work and I need to write. Sometimes the catharsis of writing does more for me than even yoga- today is one of those days! There's so much to update here in this little space so we'll see how far I get in 30minutes. It's not that I'm frantically busy, I will never go back to that way of life. As I get better and better, life is flowing and filling up more and more with what I dreamed of for the past 5 years, I'm mostly thrilled about this!

We never arrive, I think it's always important to remind ourselves of this and that life is far from perfect, (why was that ever an ideal in the first place?), but this recovery thing is unfolding at a steady pace now and I'm living with a mix of wonder that life is actually moving forward as well as a feeling that this is normal and natural and I have to remind myself that this new normal was something I waited for for a very long while. I have to remind myself that I used to have to expect 5 days to recover from one day out, that I used to only be able to go on 15 minute walks and that I used to have to fight vigilantly against the fear that I would always be sick. It's amazing how quickly the brain adapts to a new normal- how within 12 months I have gone from needing to rest most of the day to holding down a job, traveling without severe energy crashes and starting to plan a big move to another state. It seems one thing builds on the other and then all of a sudden you take stock of where you've come from and are blown away by the rebirth that is unfolding. Sometimes I find myself breathing the one word prayer "thank you" over and over.

After I got home from my road trip I was curious if my energy would plummet and if I would crash for a few weeks. I did fine energy wise on the trip but I knew there could be a possible down swing after I got home and let down. The crash never happened, I made sure to get good sleep and rested for 30mins to an hour each afternoon but overall I felt just fine. Not a ball of energy but not like the life had been sucked out of my very being. More balanced than not, (and this the week before I started my period).

I just completed my 3rd Cross Fit workout this morning. I didn't think I'd try Cross Fit for several more months but after road tripping through Cali with my Cross Fit loving friend I just couldn't wait any longer to give it a go! It's hard but scalable and I am very clear about my need to modify anything that seems too over the top for me. The workouts totally bust my butt and I can see why people who do CF get in shape and get strong! I've been insanely sore the past few days but I keep waking up and looking forward to riding my bike down to the box and learning more and more. Slow and steady is the name of my game- that and wonderful epson salt, lavender oil baths!

When it comes to working out cardio is my grove; I have very little upper body strength and so that is my biggest challenge. Someday I shall do a full push up?!?! Regardless of how weak I feel, I sense that the mental boost this functional workout thing is giving me is already making me feel better about life in general!

The thing I've been struggling with the most lately is the need to know my future. This is an ongoing issue for me. I like to know where I am going and it seems life hasn't complied in fulfilling this want. Hmm, I wonder if this keeps coming up because I'm resisting the fact that we can't KNOW our future! Anyway, now that my recovery has made substantial progress I find my "need to know" shifting from how I'll get better to how things will work out for my CA move. Will I get a job before I move, will it be a good fit, will I find the right apartment, will I make enough money to live comfortably, will I, will I, will I....??? I want everything set in stone so there's no risk of "failure" or loads of stress; I'm a planner by nature and well, nature doesn't always follow plans.

It scares me to step out without all my ducks in a row and I don't want to let anyone down if things don't work out how I hoped. It's clear that I still have a lot of letting go to do. My life is becoming so rich and full right now and I refuse to ruin all that is good with fear and worry about things not working out. Usually things not working out is the exact way to get to one's true calling in life, so regardless of how Cali pans out I'm reminding myself to enjoy the journey.

One of the greatest gifts illness gave me was the realization of how important and honoring it is to take care of oneself. Even though my life is a bit busier I have developed such good habits of self care that I believe will be one of my biggest allies as I move forward in life. It's hard to take the time in life to learn this stuff but illness has a way of opening lots of time and space and making a way for what's really important to actually be grasped. Thank you, thank you....

So, that's where I'm at. I wish you all the best and want to leave you with a quote that describes what comes when we let go:

At the end of the day, when I am lying in bed and I know the chances of any of our theology being exactly right are a million to one, I need to know that God has figured it out, that if my math is wrong we are still going to be okay. And wonder is that feeling we get when we let go of our silly answers, our mapped out rules that we want God to follow. I don't think there is any better worship than wonder.
Donald Miller

I'm back!

2013-04-07T18:47:00.002-07:00

Somewhere between LA and Bakersfield- Photo by Gena Miller

Just a quick pop in to say I'm back from my road trip and feeling pretty darn good! This years trip was even better than lasts- I packed waaaay less which made everything easier. I didn't need to lie down every afternoon for a nap/rest, that was a big surprise! My energy was balanced and I never once crashed even with all the ups and downs of travel. Of course I was carful to get to bed by 11 each night and I tried my best to sleep in until 7am most mornings. It's pretty easy to eat well when traveling the West Coast- Whole Foods and Trader Joe's abound so eating was easy to keep on track, that makes a big difference for me.

I've been on my new protocol for almost 7 weeks now and I'm so relieved that after the first two weeks I was able to move up to 3 doses a day and without any adverse reactions to the introduction of more energizing supports. I do notice I'm having somewhat of an increased issue with heat- when I do get stressed or excited I sometimes feel overheated and that can be uncomfortable. I'm going to have a consult with my practitioner this week to talk about adding in some supports to help balance out my thermostat. Mostly it's just a matter of waiting to come out of adrenal fatigue.

I have a full week ahead of me and the weeks leading up to my departure were very full. I'm resting a lot this weekend in the hopes that I will transition back to my routine without any big crash. I intend to write more about the trip this week or next, it was truly great. For the time being, a few photos from the road:

Life on the road- from hostel to hotel to home...

Coffee and snack stop Big Sur

That wonderful California light.

The open road- Big Sur to Santa Barbara

The sun is setting as I drive ahead- Photo by Gena Miller

A Persistent Illusion

2013-03-25T21:19:00.001-07:00

Hello 29!

Yesterday I turned 29 and I was a grouch. I wanted it to be a wonderfully melancholy day of reflection, good food and gratitude, instead I tossed and turned the night before and woke feeling tired, wired and anxious. Maybe it was the chocolate that I ate Saturday night, (why did I think that was a good idea?), I haven't had any for a long while, maybe it was some kind of detox, I really don't know what to chalk it up to but I turned 29 and instead of feeling great about it, I just felt like I wanted the day to be over.

So, I had to remind myself let it go, just let it go and, I did. I've gotten a lot better at this letting things go business. And...there were good moments even with all that other stuff.

Next week is the real celebration, I get to go to one of my favorite places and eat good food, (minus the chocolate!) with my dearest friend and celebrate life- what more could a girl want?!

But I wanted to come here and mark this occasion, my last year of being in my 20s yet feeling like I'm 17 and 60 all at the same time.

Just yesterday I read a quote about time and I felt it perfectly explained why we can't fit these neat consecutive numbers into a box of meaning or true order. Numbers can't explain how it is I'm coming back to life and with it finding the spark of my early 20s still waiting to be fully lived out, seasons I thought had passed. Numbers can't explain how some days I feel 22 yet simultaneously I carry with me the soul of a middle aged woman who loves solitude to the depths of her being. None of this really adds up or make sense because it's not meant to.

Time is not consistent:
it bends and warps and curves;
it speeds up and slows down;
it shifts and changes.
Time is relative, its consistency a persistent illusion.
Rob Bell

Today I woke up, the sun was shinning and it really seemed like the first day of spring here. I felt worlds better so I went on two big walks down to the water. On my last walk, during the late afternoon hour, an eagle soared over me while I stood looking up at the blue, blue sky. Standing there in that moment, I felt limitlessly limited and wholly comforted by the paradox that is life.

8 days to go.....

2013-03-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

Setting sun after bursts of rain- Seattle Wa, February 2012

Until I'm hopping on a plane for California! Mostly I'm looking forward to just sitting in the sun and being warmed by those long yearned for rays. This will be a little spring break trip with my dearest girl friend and also some scouting for possible apartments for my quickly approaching move. A lot has transpired since my last post and so here I am for a much overdue update!

Four weeks ago I got the official word from my practitioner that I have finally moved out of the four lows pattern. I could hardly believe it when I spoke with her on the phone. I keep re-saving the voice mail stating that I've moved out of the four lows- this was something I'd been waiting for for over two years and something that, at times, I felt might take many more years to reverse. Now I realize that was a big part of why I was feeling so worn down in January, my body had moved out of a deep seeded pattern of exhaustion and my protocol had become overly sedating.

Now I am finally able to take a protocol that will slowly increase my energy. The four lows was all about resting my body and not taking anything that was too stimulating, now that I have moved past that pattern I can start nourishing my body with more energizing supports. It's a slow transition, at first I didn't feel more energy but this past week I have noticed a gradual increase in my sense of well being and energy and I imagine that several months into this will show even bigger improvements. The other great news was that my test results show my body is about to dump copper which is going to be one of my biggest keys to true healing!

Several weeks prior to getting the news that I had made such a great leap health wise, I started to sense a deep urge to begin planning for my Cali move sooner than later. Previously I had thought I'd move down at the end of summer/beginning of fall but then I started feeling more sure of myself and emotionally stable and this lead me to feeling ready to leave sooner than next fall.

I was experiencing a sense of calm knowing around all this, a feeling that was new to me and so I figured to follow its lead even if my energy wasn't optimal. When I found out my body had made such a leap health wise, I felt even more confident that June was going to be the right time for my new beginning! So, here I am, less than 3 months away from leaving Washington State to put down roots in a place I have longed and dreamed of moving to for over 4 years now!! This all seems surreal- I can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that after almost 6 years of dealing with an incapacitating illness my life IS moving forward and in the direction of my long heal dreams.

Having been raised in the "name it and claim it" tradition of Christianity, coupled with our quick fix culture, I always thought my recovery would all of a sudden happen- some huge shift from one week to the next. But this process hasn't been anything like that- it's been a slow unfolding and not some radical, hyper charged transformation. I'm beginning to understand that this is the nature of life and especially of change.

I hope in the next 6 months I can start doing some more structured functional workouts- maybe Cross Fit or something like that. Improving my body composition and my sense of strength is going to feel awesome and I can hardly wait to be to the point that I can engage in life with more strength. I'm continuing to love yoga and the individuals in my class who have become a sort of grounding place for me from which I will be empowered to move into my new life.

I can barely wait to be in my new apartment in CA- I plan to have a big pot of jasmine and to hopefully fit a hammock on my balcony or patio. Every time I recall one more element of why I love that area so much, the smell of the eucalyptus trees driving to Muir beach or the hazy light in the evening on Mt. Tamp, my heart swells with awe that I actually get to live there! The other day I realized I'm in love but this time it's not with some guy who isn't quite right for me, this time it is with a place, a place that I sense will love me to further wholeness.

Occupy Life

2013-02-10T14:42:00.000-08:00

like memories of a dream from the night before.....

January was a tough month- it's been awhile since I've had a hard month, maybe as far back as July. It's not that everything has changed and become much easier, it's just that there's been these gradual shifts and this slowly increasing ability to enlarge my life. I still was having fatigue but I was also granted the ability to work, ride my bike, connect more fully with others, still with caution for my limited energy but it was life and it felt good. Then January hit and tooth aches and sinus infections came, I did pretty good but my energy took a beating and my weekends turned to pure recovery mode instead of getting out and seeing the world. I coped with all of it much better than I would have expected, I stayed mostly calm and stayed aware of when I was letting my need for answers and control get out of hand, (major stress trigger). Identifying patterns of behavior is a victory in my book, even if I find myself doing something repeatedly I feel success when I start identifying it every time it happens, my goal is to live consciously, not perfectly and without missteps but consciously. Being aware is where it all starts, somehow the change seems to take care of itself once we choose to see things for what they are- this is something I'm just starting to understand.

The funny thing is, I've been wanting more hours at work and January was the month that more hours came. Week after week, through pain and sickness I accumulated more and more hours. I made it through and it was ok, hard at times but ok. I didn't disintegrate into a puddle of exhaustion even though the fatigue was a burden to bear and made everything seem harder.

And now February is here and I'm feeling a bit stronger. I'm getting back into my daily yoga practice and waiting to see what unfolds as time passes.

Last week I was listening to Tapestry and learned about The Legacy Project. In the interview Karl Pillemer, a Cornell Univercity Professor, shares about his research into the wisdom of America's elders- those who lived through the Great Depression and the World Wars. I found the insights these elders shared profound and affirming of all I've been learning these past few years. Here I was agreeing and feeling a sense of knowing at much of what was shared, wisdom these individuals had gained over 80+ years of life, some of the same wisdom I have been fortunate to learn because of illness, because I was "forced" to slow down and in a sense become old while I was still young. These are the times I recognize the intrinsic value of life's trials, difficulty can provide the imputes to make us more fulfilled humans and at the end of every struggle is truth and beauty and deeper freedom than we knew before.

Now that I'm out in the world a bit more I find myself encountering people who have their health and have what I would consider the many facets of a happy life- money, esteemed careers, families, travel and the thing I envy the most, energy. But I've been noticing that they often take these things for granted or even view them as burdens. They stay stuck in lives that are unnecessarily stressful and go through the motions day after day with some highs but mostly a lot of just getting by. This is hard for me to wrap my head around since I've fought so hard for life. I don't judge this as bad because these people are truly doing the best they can with what they understand of life. I do find it eye opening and once again a good reminder of how valuable this season of illness has been and how it's going to impact me positively for the rest of my time here on earth. Nothing wasted.

Lastly- I started watching Enlightened, a show about a middle aged women trying to find inner peace after loosing her marriage, job and esteem. The first few episodes were pretty depressing and I don't know how the rest of the season will pan out but I do appreciate the portrayal of the ups and downs of trying to recover yourself when everything has disintegrated in your word, how you try so desperately at first to be better, all with such mixed intentions and even though messes are inevitably made along the way there are those moments of enlightenment where it all makes sense and you are given the strength to keep going. I've had these kind of moments for a long time now, they seem to be few and far between but they are the times when all is stripped away and my soul feels freest, when the judgement and stories fade and the realness of who I am and the beauty of all the pains and joys of life stuns me in the deepest parts of my being. The below clip is TV at it's finest, HBO seems to have a knack for tapping into these hard to express human feelings, (Six Feet Under anyone?), and creating something beautiful that moves me deeply as I see parts of my story unfolding.

"we're just spirits drifting through this perfect earth together, we can be free of our sad stories, they float away, till they're like memories of a dream from the night before, shadows under the water, and what's left is pure life, life is the gift....."

Saying Goodbye to January...

2013-01-26T10:38:00.000-08:00

Cozy Chai Tea with Coconut milk and butter.

It's turned into an incredibly rainy and grey weekend here. Much to my surprise since Friday was full of blue sky beauty. I feel like the life has been drained out of me this week. The past 3 weeks have been full of some pretty strange health related stuff but this week was the hardest. I think all this is related to some rather random seeming sinus illness that first appeared as an intensely painful tooth ache three weeks ago. After the toothache, things died down but this past week I really felt drained physically as I battled congestion, a cough and just generally feeling like the life had been sucked out of me.

This is all so foreign in that I rarely get the bugs that are circulating around me and if I do, I rarely get them to such an extreme degree. This has been going on for over three weeks now and it is draining. I made it through one of my longest weeks at work but it wasn't easy and I'm hoping and praying that all the rest I bank this weekend will translate to a better work week.

Fresh blended turmeric root super shot!

My heart is longing deeply for California. In two months I will be off to the promised land for 7 days of road tripping! I hope by this time next year I will have moved there or at least be in the process of moving. It's hard to fathom how this will happen right now with the way I'm feeling and all. These past 5 days have scared me a bit, it's been so long since I've felt this drained and to be revisited by a complete lack of energy is unsettling. I think this is all related to a sinus cold that lots of people around me are battling but the complete lack of energy reminds me that this is the way, (minus the congestion and cough), that I have felt for most of the past 5.5 yrs. It's only been in the past 7-8 months that I haven't battled such deep, deep fatigue. When I remind myself of my progress I feel great hope!

I'm trying to not make CA the end all and be all to my happiness. I know no one place can meet all my expectations but I also believe change can be just the new life that one may need to turn the next page in living with intention and joy. So, no big exciting posts here, just making it through one day at a time and hoping as January passes so does all the illness.

Hello again

2013-01-02T20:18:00.000-08:00

Christmas Kitty Delight!

Hi friends! It's the second day of 2013 and I'm feeling pretty happy about this new year. I love fresh starts, new beginnings, those dates that allow you to begin again and look back with wonder, awe and relief at what has passed.

Christmas was low key and enjoyable this year. We saw "Les Mis" at our small town theater where the entire town seemed to have had the same idea and showed up in force. We had to change theaters because they started playing "The Hobbit" in ours- it was quite the uproar with 100+ people having to trade theaters! I love this kind of thing, the small town stuff that feels so disjointed, unpolished and real. "Les Mis" was wonderful, all about redemption and grace, two things I need to be reminded of often. For Christmas dinner we ate wonderful food, my favorites- a tie between grain free tiramisu and a cream cheese, turkey, cranberry bacon wrap!

What my food dreams are made of: cream cheese, cranberry, turkey, bacon wraps!

I worked a few days here and there. My schedule has been off because of the holidays and some other factors. I want more hours, if I'm going to move to CA I need to be saving my pennies and so every full day I get at work is a blessing. Stepping back into work has been a great practice in letting go. Old Maria wants to jump ship and find a job that has more dependable hours because this is just unacceptable!!! But my soul tells me to just wait and trust and that the money I need for moving will come in the perfect way and time. The truth is, I'm not up for going on the job search at this point and I have to remind myself I could really mess this up and cause major stress by trying to force things. Pushing used to be my way of life- sometimes it worked, most of the time it didn't. It's when I let go and trust that everything will work together that I then feel the best version of myself emerging. The fact that I enjoy going to work if proof enough that I will be happiest by sinking into this blessing. And the fact that I presently have all I need is reason more for faith in how life works out bumps and all.

It's funny to me that we as humans think life should be some sort of straight line and we get disappointed when mistakes or "detours" happen. The truth is, when things do go super smoothly that is the exception, not the rule. I'm realizing that life rarely goes in a straight line, that money is often lost, that plans almost always change and that choosing to accept this opens the door to actually living and living with joy and freedom.

I read "Proof Of Heaven" over the holiday and I have been changed. I've always believed in heaven but to read Dr. Alexander's detailed experience was invigorating! I've had dreams my whole life that feel familiar to his descriptions of heaven, so when I read this book I found myself welling up with hope and also feeling myself sinking into a knowing I have carried with me for many years, a feeling that kept me from destruction during my darkest days. My dreams don't begin to match the realness of his experience but they echo of a world beyond and feelings that I rarely have in waking hours.

Dr. Alexander's book has only served to remind me that this life is such a small portion of reality. The fact that we have become so attached to our bodies, economy, cultural norms, rigid religious rules and what is considered success is all normal but not necessarily what one should fully embrace if they want true freedom. Perspective certainly goes a long way in the journey to letting go.

The interesting paradox is, that going deeper into this eternal perspective, frees me up to be more present to the life I've been given. All that mental energy spent worrying and trying to control life is instantly released when I realize this isn't the end all and be all and most of what I concern myself with doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I believe this knowing, this path to going deeper into living from my soul will expand as I age, it's an unfolding and some times I grasp it with more freedom than others. The fact that I am a soul having a human experience is finally starting to sink in even though I've heard that saying for years.

View of the Majestic Olympics, New Years Eve, Seattle WA.

So really, my focus for 2013, is to keep doing what I've been doing. To remember and celebrate the little step towards healing and to fully let myself off the hook when I have a misstep. I was journaling my prayers New Year's morning, feeling excited about all that may unfold in 2013 but also somewhat overwhelmed by how it could even possibly come into being. Lately when I've been praying, I've actually been trying to listen for the answer, that still small voice that comes with deep wisdom and that is seldom heard because I say my prayers and forget to stay open for answer. These days I've been listing more and yesterday morning, after praying, as I was moving on with my day, I heard these words- "give it time". And so for all my dreams and goals, my biggest resolution is to listen to that still small voice, to give life time and embrace what unfolds with as much joy and flexibility as I can muster!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday or even a halfway decent one. I can hardly believe I've been blogging here for a year now. Things have certainly slowed down in this space but I still love coming back and documenting the unfolding- it feels sacred. Thanks for reading along. Blessings in the New Year!

Pre Christmas Greetings!

2012-12-20T18:45:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! My list of things to do on my day off includes blogging, so here I sit on this blustery winter day savoring this little space to keep track of life. I love checking in here because it makes me feel good to know that I will be able to look back and recall things that would have otherwise been completely forgotten during this season. And it's also a privilege to get to share this journey with whoever is reading along. My hope is that you are encouraged in your recovery, life, etc.

This last week has been a good one. I have been working longer hours the past few days and I was wondering how I was going to handle the long days, especially seeing as it's my most tired week of the month, (period stuff), but I am happy to report things have gone quite smoothly! I have another long day ahead of me tomorrow and so I'm making sure to schedule in plenty of R&R today. I continue to feel so blessed that the doors opened so that I can work yet be in a low stress environment that is conducive to my continuing recovery. Every work day I find myself using tools I have learned over these past 5 years to better handle the ups and downs. If I'm bored I almost instantly know that the anecdote is to sink into the present and suddenly things feel that much lighter and joy filled. If I'm worried about doing things perfectly or find myself obsessing about being a better employee I am able to take hold of those thoughts before they run wild and ruin all the goodness I've been given. I don't know how or when I would have learned these lessons if illness hadn't paid me a visit. It's not always easy but most of the time the growing freedom and delight I feel is reward enough for all those endless days of waiting and trying to hold faith when nothing seemed to makes sense.

Last Thursday night we had our final yoga class of the year. It ended up being an entire hour and a half dedicated to restorative yoga. Our wonderful teacher taught us several new concepts/poses to use during any stressful holiday events. The next day, when the news broke about the school shootings, I was confused, sad and fearful. These kinds of tragedies have been really hard for me to process in the past. But here's the thing- as soon as I got home from work I practiced some restorative yoga coupled with a chanting prayer that felt relevant to the situation and from that point on I was able to process my emotions in a way that diminished the fear and increased hope. Here I thought I was learning some stress reducing yoga for stress related to the holidays but instead I was being given a powerful tool to carry me through to hope and peace in the face of fear. I'm finding the more I can learn to support myself with these kinds of tools the happier I can be. Life is going to throw us curve balls, trials and joys, but it's empowering to know I don't have to be ruined be the ups and downs.

On Sunday I was blessed to spend the day in the city with my brother and his dear girl friend. We managed to make it through an extremely dark and rainy afternoon while still having fun and staying dry, (the weather has been horrible here for days now). The highlight of the day was visiting St. James Cathedral on Capitol Hill, what an astoundingly beautiful place! We went mid-afternoon and quietly walked about taking in the grandeur of it all. I was able to light a few candles and offer up some prayers. I'm finding prayer to be so grounding and powerful at this point in life and getting to offer up my hopes and concerns to God in such an awe inspiring place was very special.

So with that I'll sign off. Happy Holidays and until next time, xoxo....

Weekend in Review:

2012-12-10T11:17:00.000-08:00

Well, I thought I was going to have some cool Seattle pics to post today and I thought I would be winding down from a weekend of good food, city adventures and maybe a blustery bike ride or two. Instead I'm riding out the last bits of the stomach flu and searching redbox.com for something interesting to watch to get me through this lingering yuckiness, (this and this look promising). It's weird to be sick with something other than adrenal burnout. I've never been much of a sickie in the sense of flus and colds so I really can't complain when my turn comes around.

Dreaming of sunny CA beaches- Muir Beach, April 2012

Now onto something much more interesting than stomach flus and plans delayed! Last week after writing about wanting to get more involved in life, specifically volunteer work, I ended up finding the perfect opportunity to start giving back or rather, it found me. These are the instances that bolster my trust in life, in prayer and in waiting for the right opportunity even if it seems long in coming.

I was considering volunteering at our local women's and children's shelter but every time I thought about applying there it didn't feel like the right time. At this point in life I know to listen to that still small voice and wait- to pray and wait some more knowing that in time the right opportunity will appear. So Thursday afternoon, as I was perusing Facebook I saw a post by my friend Tana who runs a non profit in Guatemala. I met Tana years ago when we worked together at an adoption agency. Tana used to be a police officer and when I asked her why she chose such a career she shared that she wanted to help people- that was it. It wasn't about power or accomplishment, it was simply to help people. At that point I knew what I already felt, she was the real deal and someone I wanted to pay close attention to in life. By the time we met she had adopted three children from Guatemala and was working in International Adoptions, the fire having been sparked because of her own positive adoption experiences.

A few years back she and a several others started The Chance To Dream, a non-profit focused on providing educational opportunities for the youth of Guatemala. I knew that anything Tana was involved would be full of love, joy and effective change. So when she posted about needing some help I jumped at the opportunity and as of January 2013 I will be volunteering 2-4hrs per week. I couldn't be happier! This feels so right and my heart swells every time I think of finally being at a place in my life where I can start giving back to others.

Volunteer work can be a complex arena. When I used to volunteer I was so caught up in my own confusions and needs that it was hard for me to really focus on those I was trying to help. Now I feel free from so much of that way of relating to the world. I feel like I can finally help others without trying to use them to heal my own wounds. Oh man, it's so liberating to find myself at this point. To know that I have grown and changed and to genuinely be at a place where I can effect change with joy and hope instead of duty and confusion. And so this journey continues to unfold- still full of questions but day by day, strengthening me in my pursuit of hope and faith.

Oh and in other news, I decided to chop my hair! I'm going through a bit of soul searching in regards to looks and how much time I want to commit to all that stuff. Shorter hair seemed a good first to exploring this. I love it. It's so easy and still totally girly!

And with that I'll wish you all a very happy and hopeful Monday!

So here I am...

2012-12-05T19:42:00.003-08:00

Winter bike riding attire.

checking in because I've been meaning to do so since Monday. I don't have lots to share- I had a so, so weekend and this week has felt fast and slow all mixed together. Work continues to go well and for that I am deeply thankful. The truth is I still have stretches of time where things feel totally blasé. Sometimes I just have to give into the blasé feelings, kick back, watch TV and wait for it to pass. It's not fun but it's also not nearly as bad as I used to feel so it seems silly to complain.

I miss my passion. I still haven't gotten my full creative drive back and then when the blasé, foggy brain, fatigue feelings hit I can feel a bit bummed out about things. Lately I've been craving to get more involved in community, start some volunteer work and just sink deeper into the life around me but it seems I must continue to wait before I really leap because the healing is still deep at work. I know this will all get better with time. It is what it is and most of the time I'm at peace with that.

But there are a few things that have brought me great joy over the past week/end- namely books and music. Here are a few things that are currently making me happy:

A kind reader recommended this book to me awhile back and I've just now started to really read it. It's beautiful, I even found myself crying through the first half at some of the stories about poetry and how it carried the human soul from darkness to hope. I've found this to be true for me, what started as a practice to improve my memory has turned into a deeply soul enriching meditation. "Kindness" is next on my list to memorize, I'm still awed every time I read the words.

Speaking of poetry and soul enlivening, "Laughing With" has been at the top of my play list as of late. I listen to it as I'm riding my bike along the waterfront and I go to bed with it running through my head. It's like poetry put to music and for some reason I love it even though I don't fully understand it. That's the beauty of poetry and music, it doesn't have to make sense to mean the world to you and lift you up. Now I find myself longing to play the piano again- something I've been meaning to do for the past two years but overcomplicating with the idea that it would require me taking lessons again. Maybe those 8years of lessons I begrudgingly took as a child will finally turn into something I can enjoy. For the time being I've decided to keep it simple and parse it out in bits and pieces with basic cords.

Well, that's it for today. Hope you all are staying warm and enjoying the advent season. Blessings!

Yoga, Life....

2012-12-02T09:36:00.000-08:00

Sidewalk flower stand- Mill Valley, CA

Just a quick Sunday morning check in! I was reading one of my favorite blogs yesterday and came across a post about yoga and life that really moved me. Below I've shared an excerpt but I suggest reading the whole post.

"Well there it is. That is life. How do we react when this daily problem occurs: we try to hold ourselves up but we are confronted with conflict? We try, we see others doing it better, but no: we are spiraling, slipping, losing. Yoga is a physical practice, but yoga is also your life."

Lately I've been reminded about how important it is to let go of having to have pat answers, especially when it comes to faith matters and future goals. To lean into the messiness of life and the fact that perfection can never be attained, to surrender to my humanness and therein find the tender love and acceptance that makes life worth living- the truly important stuff that transcends so much of what I equate with achievement.

I do my yoga and take it with me throughout the day. Fifteen minutes on the mat can center me and remind me that it doesn't have to be long and tedious to be deeply effective. Simple moves done with shaking limbs that transform my mind and, little by little, my body. My practice has never been about perfection, much in part due to my teacher encouraging each student to do what feels right individually, competition never a focus. And so, little by little, I take these lessons with me out into life.

My Latest Hair Tissue Mineral Analysis Results:

2012-11-30T11:55:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are following my adrenal recovery by means of Nutritional Balancing, I wanted to post an update about my latest HTMA, (hair, tissue, mineral analysis), results. I'm not going to post all the specific levels and ratios here but I will share a brief update on my progress for anyone who is curious.

I have been in the four lows pattern for a little over two years now. The benefit of moving out of four lows will be that I can take more stimulating nutrients to help my body heal and thus experience an increase in energy. When the body is in the four lows it is important to not overwork the adrenals but rather give them a rest. This is often accomplished by taking large doses of the calming minerals calcium and magnesium as well as a host of other supports to basically help your body chill out.

When I sent in my hair sample at the beginning of the month I really had no clue what my test results would show. I sort of suspected I wasn't out of the four lows quite yet because I still felt my current protocol was working for me. The most trying thing about this pattern has been working to get my calcium and magnesium levels to move up. For almost two years my calcium has bounced between 15.0-20.0 and my magnesium has stubbornly stayed at 2.0. Even while taking very high doses of both these minerals things seemed resistant to move forward.

Well, this time around I'm happy to report things have changed! I am not yet fully out of the four lows pattern but I'm close and suspect my next retest will most likely show I've moved on to the next level of healing. Even though my body has remanded in the four lows I know I have been getting better because I have been making slow and steady progress. But it was really exciting and reassuring to get my latest results and see the progress on paper! My calcium moved from 20.0 to 30.0 and my magnesium moved from 2.0 to 3.0. My other mineral and metal levels weren't all that different but those two minerals are extremely important and to see the shift just confirms what I've already been feeling.

The two main things I attribute to helping my body make this shift are the addition of SBF Formula to my protocol as well as starting the supplement Cortisol Manager. Thankfully my practitioner was able to prescribe the SBF Formula even though it wasn't recommended for me by the lab. She read between the lines and has a thorough knowledge of my history and was thus able to ascertain that the SBF Formula would help me retain the magnesium and calcium. And as for the Cortisol Manger, I had been on it for one month before my retest so I figure it made a little difference but my next retest will be even more telling in that regard.

So far I'm still not showing a copper dump although I've had some copper dump symptoms. It feels great to know that my body is building a strong base and when its ready to handle major copper detox it will go there. Intuitively I feel that my illness came about mostly because of severe mineral difficulties due to years of relentless stress. I feel the metal is a sizable part of the picture but correcting the mineral issues is going to be the primary means by which I heal.

If you have any questions, please let me know and I will try to answer to the best of my ability!

Holiday Week/end in Review:

2012-11-26T18:38:00.000-08:00

Quintessential Seattle

Well, it seems Monday has become my blogging day. At this point I'm just happy if I can manage to check in once a week here. More posts would be ideal but I'm going to let myself off the hook and be ok with one post per week for the time being.

All in all I had a really nice Thanksgiving holiday. My family has gone through quite the transition over the past five years. What once were huge family holidays have become much smaller affairs due to marital separation. These past five years have been a much needed respite and also, at times, an awkward and confusing adjustment. Because I was dealing with fatigue I wasn't all that bereft at the scaled back holidays but at times the change still threw me for a loop. Now the newness of it all has worn off and I feel really content with our small, mellow family time and oh so grateful that things do get easier as time passes.

I didn't roast a turkey this year, instead we opted for leg of lamb which made cooking much easier. The biggest hit was my turkey, cream cheese and cranberry bacon wraps- a new tradition that has quickly made it's way to the top of our holiday menu!

Other than great food and sweet family time the week was filled with lots of R&R, a few bike rides, some blustery walks, the newest season of LD and a wonderful girl's day in the city!

Now for a few photos:

Where ocean meets land.

Beach bike rides.

Starting our Seattle day off right with coffee and conversation on Capitol Hill.

Hope you all had a good holiday, (for my U.S. readers) and cheers to entering the Christmas season!