food for thought

food for thought turns three

2012-02-16T01:23:00.000-08:00

Yeah yeah it's been a while since I posted anything. Let us skip the whole shebang, shall we?

Now that we have the formalities out of the way, I would like to point out that it has been 3 years since my first post. Food for thought turns three today!

happy birthday to you,

happy birthday dear food for thought,

happy birthday to you.

Guess it has been sometime huh? A lot has happened in the last three years; for better or for worse. Regimes have ended over the world, new people have been born to replace the dead and yet, life goes on. So here I am to thank thee, my fellow readers, and especially those who comment (some with a lot of nagging ^_^ from me).

I never intended to blog per se, but I took up blogging upon insistence by my good childhood friend and the hero of some my posts. He is the unimaginable, the unthinkable, the ever-shining, the evergreen, the never-ending-source-of-awesomeness! Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the dark knight that rises in his pants... Iya!

Okay. That's enough applause for him.

Coming back to topic at hand, the birthday of my blog, I gotta ask: Why are we here on Earth? What is the meaning of life? Do aliens exist? Is time travel possible? Well, I have no freaking clue! Though I still maintain my claim that cockroaches are aliens. Other than that, I am as clueless as a deaf bat on a sunny day.

I guess it would behoove me to write a few things about the ongoing coup/liberation/revolution in our all natural paradise. Here are a few things I want to say, and in Chinese: Yu Dum Fuk!

Aaaah. That felt good. I leave you with a small token of my appreciation to everyone for sticking with me like a fly stuck to the wind-shield of a speeding car, and to all those that have come, and gone, and comeback again like a raging boomerang. You know who you are. Until next time. Adios...

lord of the beards: the fellowship of the return of the king to two towers

2011-09-14T21:42:00.000-07:00

Prologue:

It began with the grooming of the Great Beards. Three were given to the Cockroaches; immortal, meanest, and scariest of all beings. Seven, to the Ants, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine beards were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power. For within these beards was bound the strength and the will to govern over each race through deception.

But they were all of them deceived, for a new beard was groomed. In the isle of Maldive, in the waters of Maldive Island, the Dark Lord Mullah groomed in secret, a master beard, to control all others. And into this beard he poured all his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. And as he groomed, he spoke the words feared by all kinds: "Ash fang durbatulûk, ash fang gimbatul, Ash fang thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul." Never spoken in the language of Maldive Island by mortals, the words mean: "One beard to rule them all, one beard to find them, One beard to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

Though much feared and nearly invincible, Middle Earth took the fight to the Dark Lord in one final attempt and kicked the Dark Lord's ass Chuck Norris style! Sadly, the weakness of mankind prevented the champion of Middle Earth, Bod Umanzar (pronounced Bodh Umaanzaar) from destroying the One Beard in the waters of Maldive Island. Instead the noble hero, in his weakness, bent to his manly temptations and wore the beard. Victorious and full of pride, the Beard corrupted him and in the end, led to his destruction. The Beard, meanwhile, vanished.

Years passed. History turned to legend, legend to tales and something that should not have been left without grooming was lost...

Chapter 1:

Our story begins on a dark night in a dark place where a dark man awaits with a dark purpose... Usef Ul Idiot (prnounced Yoosef Al Eediyoth), as he was called by the village folks, was getting ready to poop. The day was normal thus far but unknown to him, there would come a day when the fate of the world would rest on the broad shoulders of this fierce, handsome, and super-cool young man.

After a quick breakfast of bodu biskoadhu (a local delicacy) and black tea, Usef went to see his good friend Leg Acyof Pain (pronounced Leg Achiof Paeen) and together they set off on an adventure into the wild forest of Suckingham: they were outlaws and robbed the corrupt parliamentarians to feed the wildlings. When a poor wildling asked why they risked their necks for some poor wildlings, our fearless and handsome heroes replied, "For what is a man who cannot help his fellow man but the man who brings a smile to others?" And thus, our heroes, cunning and proud outcasts of Suckingham Forest continued their exploitation until one fateful day.

Chapter 2:

Our dazzling heroes came across a little girl who was crying all by herself. Her eyes were red and her clothes were torn and covered in red. Fearing the worst, a very concerned Acyof asked, "What happened little girl?"

The girl replied between sobs, "this.. sparkly looking thing.. it made.. it made me..." the girl's voice trailed off as she broke down crying.

"Mention not what you did my dear girl," Usef bellowed. "For I will ensure that he dies by my sword!"

"STOP!" The girl's scream startled Usef and Acyof. "Are you both stupid? He didn't rape me. He spilled a bottle of ketchup all over my new Justin Bieber veil."

Startled, our heroes looked at the young girl. Acyof looked at Usef in despair. Usef looked back, his face grim, and nodded. They knew what had to be done. It wasn't going to be pretty but they were bound by their vows. The little girl realized the tone of her would-be heroes have changed. She looked from one to the other as they raised their weapons with menace in their eyes.

"Oh Shit!" She thought to herself. "Now I'm going to die."

Swords raised, Usef and Acyof stared at the girl menacingly. Both muttered in unison, "We are sorry little girl. You leave us no choice." The little girl closed her eyes, and waited for the sword to cut off her head.

And the two heroes burst out laughing! "BWAHAHAHAHA! You wear a Justin Bieber veil? May the Light blind you!" Acyof laughed his head off as Usef fell to the ground in laughter. The little girl, bewildered and confused, said in a hurt voice, "You are mean people."

"I'm sorry little girl. But..." Usef trailed off in laughter as he tried to explain.

"What my accomplice Usef is trying to say is," Acyof attempted to help his friend, "that you're stoopid. Not stupid but stoopid!"

The little girl, tears running down her cheeks turned around and stormed off as Usef and Acyof's laughter followed her and into the distance.

"Hey little girl," Acyof called after her, "Don't forget your glitter purple lipstick!"

Chapter 7:

It was dark and Usef looked around. He could make out the shape of a human in the distance. Sword in hand, Usef approached with caution. "Acyof, is that you?" He called. There was no reply. Usef approached with great caution, not the least bit scared as if challenging the Light to the ultimate strength. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a shadow jumped at him. He did not scream like a little girl, but scream he did! It was a cockroach and not just any but a Beard Bearer.

"May the Light be with you." Usef said as he stepped back and dropped to his right knee in respect. He stared in awe as a being from out of the legends stood before him. "Forgive me my Lord, I did not..."

Usef's apology was cut short by the scream of a young girl. Or so he thought. When he looked up, he saw that Acyof had stabbed the Cockroach Lord from behind.

"For a Cockroach Lord, he screamed like a girl." Acyof remarked as he cleaned his sword. He looked around for Usef because he didn't get a reply.

"Do you know what we have here?" Usef said looking up holding something furry in his hand. "We now have a Beard of Power."

Chapter 17:

Months have passed since our resourceful heroes acquired the Beard of Power. As they continued their exploits in Suckhingham Forest, an unforgiving scene befell them: there were people crying over a dead boy. Concerned, our faithful heroes approached the grim site and said, "May the Light be with you."

"Will it?" A woman sitting near the dead boy, most likely his mother, spat at them. "The Light took him away from us with the incurable Measles."

Startled, Acyof exclaimed, "What the...? Measles? Kind woman, this is the seventh freaking century! They have vaccines." The glum woman looked at our tanned hero with agony and said, "The Beard Rider of this district decreed that the Light has forbidden vaccination."

"WHAT?" Our heroes said in unison. "What's his name? Where is he?" Usef inquired.

"Over there," the woman replied pointing to Two Towers in the distance. "His name is..." the woman's shudder was enough to understand the atrocities committed by this evil Beard Rider. ".. he is.. Lord Farumaan.. Please avenge my dear son's death.."

One Epic Battle Later...

"We sure did show that Beard Rider Farumaan eh?" Acyof remarked.

"We sure did old friend." Usef could not help but admire his brave friend who never gave up in a fight.

"So what's next?" Acyof inquired.

This was what Usef was afraid of. Acyof gets too excited after battles. "I think..." What ever Acyof wanted to say was lost as an old man in a white robe fell from the skies with a loud THUD!

"Holy..." Usef's short and sweet curse was cut even shorter when he realized it was a wizard.

"Fear not for I come in peace!" The old man bellowed.

"And who might you be?" Usef and Ascyof asked very coolly at the same time.

"I am Heebi Jeebees the rightful heir of Bod Umanzar. Do you realize that what you have is the One Beard?"

"Really?"

"Yes, and you both have to go and destroy it." Heebi Jeebees explained.

"But how?" Our heroes were confused but excited.

"Let us form a Fellowship and take the One Beard to the Maldive Island and destroy it in the very waters that it was groomed in.We have to hurry. There is little time left to waste. The Dark Lord Mullah grows in strength and will return if not stopped."

Chapter 29:

The Fellowship arrived at the coast of Maldive Island. The shores were guarded by creatures in robes. Heebi Jeebees explained that they were Shampires, Sheikhs who pledged loyalty to the Dark Lord Mullah and gained immortality. They were the most vile and cunning creatures one could find on Middle Earth.

"Well," Acyof started, "I can kill them with my Middle Finger."

Heebi Jeebees rolled his eye in despair as the two paladins joked, unaware of the grave task at hand. "Be careful. Shampires carry long wooden sticks, the Stick of Karma, which had powers that no human could comprehend." Heebi Jeebees warned.

"Shall we do the honors?"

(One epic climatic battle ensues)

Chapter 71:

"Wow! Did you see me cut that Shampire in half... by waving my staff?" Heebi Jeebees exclaimed merrily.

"Pffft! Showoff.." Acyof wasn't very keen on the idea that a wizard could just kill someone so easily. He had issues with magic.

"Well, here we are. The waters of Maldive at last!" Usef was glad to have finally come to the end of all things. He wanted nothing more than to go back to Suckhingham Forrest and kick-start their lives as outlaws. As Usef walked to the shores of Maldive Island, ready to part with the One Beard, he looked back at the Fellowship: A wizard and his friend. He looked at the One Beard one last time and threw it into the waters of Maldive Island.

Usef, Acyof, and Heebi Jeebees turned back and walked away from the shore. They were a hundred steps away when a loud and terrifying wail filled the air. "MY PLEASURES!" And a short deformed man who looked like death himself ran towards the shore.

"In the name of the Light! What is that thing?" Acyof wondered out loud.

"It or rather he was a human just like you two. He was corrupted by the power of the One Beard. The One Beard destroyed him eventually and turned him into a Follum." Heebi Jeebees explained as they watched the wretched creature jump into the waters of Maldive Island... to its very imminent death.

Heebi Jeebees said subtly, "Farewell, my brave paladins. My work is now finished. Here at last, on the shores of the sea... comes the end of our Fellowship. I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil." With that Heebi Jeebees turned and headed towards the Two Towers where his rightful throne awaited him.

Epilogue:

Lord Mullah and his Army of Shampires have been defeated and the rightful heir of Bod Umanzar, Heebi Jeebees, prepares to ascend the throne of the Two Towers. Acyof and Usef, upon the completion of their quest, returned to their village. The Beards were once again in good hands and the good king Heebi Jeebees ruled Middle Earth with justice and empathy. And thus ends the Sixth Age of Middle Earth and upon the return of the King, the Seventh Age of Middle Earth began. An age that would be remembered for centuries to come for its prosperity and the epicness that the Fellowship of the Beard brought.

~THE END~

shampire diaries

2011-09-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

Here ye here ye! Men and Women of all shapes and sizes. Please gather around for I have a story to tell ye: Tonight I continue my escapades with our good friend Shamp the shampire. If you don't know him/her/it already, please feel free to read part 1, part 2, and part 3. He's dead you ask? Apparantly he is not so dead after all. Let us see what our not-so-dead friend has to say...

caption deleted for fear of mortal damage to the writer

Me: *stares at Shampire*
Shampire: Staring is rude. Didn't your mother teach you any manners boy?
Me: *continues to stare at Shampire*
Shampire: From where I come from we say 'hello'
Me: Nether realm? Hello.
Shampire: That's better. Wait... what?
Me: Nevermind that. Why or rather, how are you here? Am I dreaming? You were dead. I even wrote a small prayer on your tombstone.
Shampire: So it was you who wrote that worthless piece of shit huh?
Me: Hey, Snowhite called. She's missing one of her dwarfs.
Shampire: What? err... What? You continue to speak in riddles human.
Me: You were angry about the writing on your tombstone and you're always angry. Hence Grumpy.
Shampire: What? Really.. what?
Me: Sheesh man! Grumpy the dwarf from Snowhite and the seven dwarfs.
Shampire: LAAM VAAV LAAM! good one. Sorry it took me a while to get the joke.
Me: Pffft! It's not a joke anymore after I explained the whole thing to you. You really don't get sarcasm at all. Anyways.. tell me, what happened? I was at your funeral. Though between you and me, there was no one else. You don't have any friends?
Shampire: You stupid excuse for a human. What don't you understand about the word 'undead'?
Me: Aaaah. So you DO have the undeadness of a real vampire.
Shampire: Pffft! Vampire my holy butt! Not the vampires you see these days. It's a shame to be even associated with the kind. The humans have stopped fearing us due to the mainstreamness of today's vampires.
Me: Yes your holiness. You get vampires like Dracula and shit back in the day and today we have Edward.. *shudders*
Shampire: SEEN MEEM HAA
Me: Eh?
Shampire: Oh yes. You don't understand Al Lugath Al Arabiyya or language of the Shampires. It means "Shakes My Head" in the common tongue.
Me: Aaaah I see. I'm right there with you. Anyway, so you were raised from the dead?
Shampire: Well, I was deadish. But then I went to the underworld and met Hades and yes, he is true. But you'll never guess what I found out when I died-ish.
Me: Tell me!
Shampire: Remember the whole 72 virgins I was preaching?
Me: How could I forget. I asked to bed your daughter.
Shampire: Yes you did! So apparantly the 72 virgins aren't really the whole story.
Me: You don't say...
Shampire: Yes I do say. Wait.. was that sarcasm?
Me: Yes it was. There is still hope for you.
Shampire: Foolish human! I need no hope. You do!
Me: Ok here we go again. So you met Hades sans the 72 virgins. What happened next?
Shampire: Well, it seems we have been fooled by this whole 72 virgins old wives' tale. One can't just kill a bunch of innocents and expect to bed 72 beautiful hotties.
Me: You don't say...
Shampire: Bill Lawrence called! He wants his idea of repeating the same jokes back.
Me: Ouch! You're learning fast. And how in the hell did you find out about Scrubs?
Shampire: Just like you said: in hell. Part of the eternal damnation was watching re-runs of hipster movies and good shows that went mainstream.
Me: Does that mean you had to watch Tw...
Shampire: STOP! Don't you utter the name!!
Me: That bad huh?
Shampire: I made it only halfway through the opening credits of that which must not be named and pleaded with Hades to send me back for a second chance.
Me: Aaah.. that makes sense now.
Shampire: It does? But you don't believe in those things and it's incomprehensible for humans.
Me: I must admit, having known you for a while, I get a feel for what you say.
Shampire: Alright. So tell me something you miserable human.
Me: Such love... I'm touched.
Shampire: What the hell is wrong with your kind?
Me: My kind? Humans?
Shampire:No! Not humans. Well, technically humans, but I meant your kin. The people from your country!
Me: You should have asked what was right with them. Would've saved a lot of time and ones and zeroes.
Shampire: Ones and zeroes?
Me: Yes. I have to type this whole thing and it's being processed as binaries in machine code in terms of ones and zeroes by our computers.
Shampire: Show off! You could have just said so instead of acting spooky and mysterious.
Me: Hey! I didn't say anything when you had your stick of karma, almost died, died and returned.
Shampire: Save your whining for someone else human.
Me: Alright :-(
Shampire: So about your people. What is happening to them?
Me: Once again, you gotta be specific bro.
Shampire: Don't you bro me you insiginificant being!
Me: LOL! Sorry... I just thought of a possible euphemism if your last sentence was said by an Asian.
Shampire: You are indeed lost my son. And quite racist too!
Me: Apparantly I am.
Shampire: So your people, why is it that a person can sing his or her way to riches and fame, and then suddenly quit singing and become a cleric?
Me: That's quite a mouthful.
Shampire: There's more! Your people even believe them above the real Shampires! It's a shame!
Me: Shame would be one of the adjectives I would use.
Shampire: In all seriousness, how could one be so dumb and naive to believe some holier than thou singer cum religous scholar?
Me: I wonder the same thing your highness.
Shampire: Trust me, I am all for the harsh and extremist views that I vowed to promote... but it took me all my life to acquire Shamphood and take my vows. These lowly peasants are doing it over night.
Me: Come again... shamphood?
Shampire: No. Shamphood. With a capital 'S'.
Me: Ok. Shamphood it is. What's that?
Shampire: It's the rigorous training and rituals all Shampire-recruits have to go through.
Me: Let me ask. What do you call when a Shampire goes to number two?
Shampire: What are you getting at?
Me: Shampoo! Oh wait. Now I won't look at my shampoo bottle the same way again.
Shampire: HA! Let that be a lesson for you. I must be off now.
Me: Wait... Will I see you again?
Shampire: Only fate will tell. I'd like to pull a page out of the movie 'Dear John' and say "see you soon then?"
Me: You saw that movie?
Shampire: I can stand that movie but when it came to the movie that must remain unnamed..
Me: Which movie of the Twilight saga?
Shampire: That does it! Good Bye you bastard son of a wretched gutless monkey!
Me: Hey wait.. come back.. come on.. woeful-and-angry-as-a-motherless-goat much? oh well.. he's left. Such a grumpy yet lively fellow. I don't know when I will see him again, but I am sure he will amaze me with his stories when we meet again. Until next time, Adios...

award night

2011-08-23T02:57:00.000-07:00

I'm back after a short hiatus.. well, not really a hiatus, but you get the idea.. Anyways, I present to you, my fellow and unfellow readers, AWARD NIGHT 2011!! Unlike a certain award show from few weeks ago where half the words out of the presenters' mouth were about some lotion, this award is the shit! We will look at all aspects of Maldives and give due credit where credit is due, whether it be good, bad, or both. And without further ado, let me get on with the awards...

Oscars: eat your heart out. you aren't the only people who can use cool statues

1. The Vampire Award:

This award is presented to the group or person who has done the most humane job of sucking the cash out of unsuspecting customers. And the award goes to.... Dhiraagu! That's right. You maybe out of reach but you're never out of touch. The touch of the money-sucking Edwardish company that's Dhiraagu.

the logo needs to be changed to a clenched fist to shove up the customers' asses

They have charged us for services that in other countries are given for free. Not to mention all the scams and what not.

2. The In-Your-Face Award:

This award goes to the individual or group of individuals that dedicated its time and resources to the dissatisfaction of humanity through incomprehensible schemes, names, and the shittiest service. They listen to the customers' needs and do the exact opposite. And the winner of the award is.... It's a tie! Can you believe that? (mainly because I am too lazy to invent another award). The first recipient of the award is..... Bank of Maldives!

Don't let the name fool you. It's not of Maldives at all

Through the years, Bank of Maldives or BML for short (between you and I, I think BML stands for Big Money Leech) has been one giant dick! What pisses me off the most about BML is that the wretched workers have the nerve to lie to my face. I once told this 'sweet' looking girl at the counter that I could withdraw money from my own account without a check at other banks and she told me in her sweet and seductive voice (though not working on me cos of my rage) that there was no bank that would allow that. I replied that my bank for the past 4 years allowed me to do that. I am no Sheldon Cooper but that must have been a bazinga for the girl cos she told me to speak to her manager and exercised her Miranda Rights.

And now, the second winner of the In-Your-Face Award: Maldivian!

If you haven't flown on Maldivian, then you're lucky. Maldivian stands testament to the saying that beauty is only skin deep no matter how many times you repaint, rename, and rebrand your services.

If flying was any simpler, we would have wings.

Maldivian, much like its kissing cousin BML uses 'Maldives' as its brand name and screws everyone sideways with a bread knife. And here is the kicker: They charge double the fare for a foreigner. How shitty is that? I was abroad for 4 years and got all the discounts and cheap fares as a regular US citizen. I know that tourism contributes to a huge chunk of the nation's economy but come on. They are people for God's sake and they work (harder than most of us) for a living. So it is really unfair on our part. Not to mention the outrageous fares for us as well. It is cheaper to go to freaking Sri Lanka than to go to Addu Shitty. People!! Sri Lanka is another country. Maldivian my ass you gigantic cash-devouring pigs!

3. The Benedict Arnold Award:

For those of you that don't know, Benedict Arnold was an American General during the Revolutionary War and defected to the British and plotted to surrender the very fort he swore to defend. So yeah, he was a VERY bad guy and loathed by all Americans. And thus this award is given to the person who has shown beyond inconceivable doubt that he is a traitor. And without further waiting, I present the winner of this precarious award: Ali Waheed aka Boom Waheed aka Ballack aka the-biggest-act-of-swallowing-your-own-junk!

He puts Judas, Saruman, and Brutus to shame

His story is there for all to see so I'm gonna save up on space and time. But he does have the bragging rights as the only person to hug two Presidents. Con-freaking-Gratulations you whore.

Legend has it that Maumoon said "Et tu Waheed?" when he saw this live on MNB Cone

4. The Holy Trinity Award:

We live in a conservative society that looks to hide things or accept things as far as the 'religous' or 'Islamic' tag is attached to it. This has allowed individuals to take advantage of unsuspecting people and use them for their personal pleasures and needs. As the name suggests, the Holy Trinity Award is given to the individual who has manipulated religion for his personal gains. This award had the most contenders and once again, we have a tie.

The first winner of the Holy Trinity Award is.... Saint Fareed!

I used to look up to Fareed as a person and listen to what he said, but his tune changed after a while and he started to preach his personal beliefs. Some of you may think that I am being a non-Muslim by saying calling him a Saint, but I do know a thing or two about religion. Some of the bullshit that St. Fareed has preached borders on idiocy and idiolatry.

Certificate in Incantation? How about Certificate in Personal Grooming? Douche!

Alright. now time for the second winner of the Holy Trinity Award... Sheikh Hussain Rasheed. Some of you may not know him like I do, some of you may do. After belittling the previous government of using religion as a shield, this God forsaken piece of shit of a human created a political party.

Lial liar beards on fire!

He wouldn't have won the word if that was the only thing he did. Furthermore, he was a Quran teacher for children and 'teach' he did. Yeah, I have no proof of anything but God knows what he did and he knows what he did to the girls who went to him to learn Quran. And the son of a bitch has no self dignity whatsoever to go on public forums preaching about Islam. I'd beat the shit out of you and feed you your own pubes if I get the chance!

5. The Reject Award:

Have you ever been rejected by someone? Whether it's a girl, boy, or you were the last person everyone picked for their team? I thought so. So you know the feeling. Now imagine how you would feel when the majority of the Parliament rejects you. Alright, maybe it's cos the Parliament was mainly opposition members. But to have your once-friends reject you during the next Presidency is a tad bit too much. No? Ok, you got a point. It's still the opposition. But imagine this: you receive some 'big' title from an Israeli lobbyist and try to enter a foreign country aka Iran. Surprise surprise! Rejected! By now you know who you are imagining to be. If not, I present to you the winner of the Reject Award.. Dr. Shaheed.

The All-American Rejects called: they want their title back!

I have nothing against him but the fact that he got rejected by two governments on the opposite ends of the political spectrum, and a foreign country says something. Maybe the line "it's not you, it's me" is true for this case.

6. The Just-Give-Up-Cos-You-Suck Award:

Last and the very least, we have the Just-Give-Up-Cos-You-Suck Award. This award is given to the individual or group of individuals who have failed after multiple attempts. And the winner is... NO, it's not Maldivian. Though it was a close call along with Maldivian football which is still in the same shitty state it was in during the past 20 years. And here's why: we won the silver medal back in the 80s and we won the competition a millenium later! Going back to the subject, the winner of the Just-Give-Up-Cos-You-Suck Award is... Dhivehi Film Industry aka Mollywood!

The only 'wood' related facet from the lot of you is when some of your females wear skimpy clothes

Dhivehi movie industry was a lost cause to begin with and people have been using it as a platform for careers as politicians and you can see the results today. I did a little digging and my sources, on conditions of complete anonymity, confided in me that dhivehi movie stars have the ability to cry on cue and the ability to be highly obnoxious without even trying. The source who shall remain unnamed also stated that the said abilities was a deal maker with the Maldivian people who vote them to office in the first place!

a picture is worth a thousand and one words

2011-05-30T22:51:00.000-07:00

alice in wonderland: an analogy

2011-04-16T23:08:00.000-07:00

I am sure everyone remembers Alice in wonderland from their childhood for one or more reasons. I remember it cos I watched the entire cartoon before Alice wakes up and realizes the whole thing was a dream! Plus the wierd and the illogical characters just make me want to bash their heads together. Sorry there, I didn't mean to sound so violent. Moving on, this time I am trying to do something quite.. well.. you be the judge of it..

1. Wonderland: First and foremost there is wonderland. A place where anything is possible. Everything defies nature's law. Looking at our little Maldives, it brings to mind the promise of a better Maldives or better known as Aneh Dhivehiraajje in the political language. And it has definitely been another Maldives. But unlike the story, our wonderland is one God forsaken shit hole where we are quitely rotting away as a society..

wonderland huh? you've all been fooled!

2. White Rabbit: How could I ever forget the white rabbit who looked as if he had ants crawling up his legs.. White rabbit is one of the mildest character (in my opinion) in the story. All he wants is to get to the queen in time and stay out of trouble. He represents the average worker; always working hard but never appreciated. Always running from place to place in the hope of pleasing an insatiable boss. Our society has become so work centered that the people do not have the time to spend with their own family. Instead we work our Knuts off to make ends meet.

look at him and tell me how you can not sympathize with the poor guy

3. Dodo: This proud marauding excuse of a bird represents the rich people in our society. You people twist and cut every corner to get richer while the poor get shat on.

just look at the SOB! smiling and all..

4. Mad Hatter: Mad Hatter is one confusing son of a gun! He talks in riddles and always makes a point to show that he is important. Mad Hatter is the personification of the media in our country. The same story is twisted to play with the people's minds. The media claims to be the fourth power of a democracy but has been nothing but a poor facade of immature impersonators thus far.

atleast get a better attire. SUIT UP!

5. Bill the Lizard: Bill is one hard working dude, carrying a ladder with him. He is the go-to guy when you need something done at your house. He is the so called bangaalhee that we see all over the country. We Maldivians are so full of ourselves that we cannot even do the simplest of jobs by ourselves. Shame!

bill bill bill. you work so hard because we are so lazy

6. Caterpillar: This pea sized brain smoking little life form is the exact replica of our parliament. It doesn't remember what it sees and it doesn't know what it's talking about. And least of all, it doesn't even remember the person it has once met. It's multi segmented body and multiple hands show how most, if not all, members of the parliaments are good for nothing crooks who want to fulfill their self interests.

and the bastard has the nerve to look at Alice suspiciously!

7. Cheshire Cat: This smiling felid is one hell of a creature and it is the perfect personification of our judiciary. When Alice asks the tooth-fairy-watched-cat about where to go, the cat says, "If you don't know where you are going, it doesn't matter which path you take." (I am not sure about the exact words, but you get the jist) This is the perfect representation of how we could have a system which allows a pedophile to get away even when the sick bastard agrees to doing the deed! Democratic reform my ass!

I am sorry little child, you did not say 'no' when he was raping you.

8. The Queen of Hearts: She has a thing for head. NO, I mean the kind where she wants to cut it off. Between her and Dexter, I don't know who is the scarier one. The Queen of Hearts represents.... *drum rolls* you love to hate them! it's the one and only IGMH! Yes, just when we thought IGMH could not get any worse, they decided to behead a dead baby! Well done IGMH, well-freaking-done!

if I got a cent for everytime she wanted to cut off someone's head...

9. Flowers: Remember the flowers that Alice runs into at the garden? The ones that sing and seemed mushy lovey dovey and suddenly turns on Alice because she was apparantly a 'weed'? These flowers, my fellow readers, are the next generation of our country. With everyone succumbing to conformity and group think, violence, murder, and stealing have gone off the roofs and they are just running wild on the streets.

look at the spoiled brats!

9. Alice: Aaaaah, Alice. Our innocent little Alice. She has a hard time deciding how much to eat/drink to be the right size. In fact, it's like her size is floating between being a giant and a dwarf. Oh yes! Much like the dollar exchange rate in the country. Enough said.

look at her.. $o innocent.. $o $mall, $o big... and yet.. $o floatable..

That's it for now. Until next time. Adios...

against discrimination

2010-12-19T09:10:00.000-08:00

image courtesy of http://www.fivewaysshiatsu.co.uk/

It's been a while since I have posted anything and wanted to come back with a BANG this time... (pause for apllause) Thank you... So it seems things have been quite crazy in the crowdiest, most dangerous, craziest, shitiest, most.. err okay, enough with the supelatives.. (pause for mild laughter) capital of the world aka Male'.

The latest news on my mind is the issue of the Israelis in our beloved country. Sure, we have no place for the star of David on our national colors and neither do we want to ally with the scum of the Earth that are jews... (pause for cheer) but, I must say, seriously people? You got nothing better to do than get out of your houses and protest in the streets just because some Jews are in the country? (let the news sink in)

Go ahead, hate me for what I am about to say.. curse me.. well, not literally.. I'm too young to die yet.. need to do certain things before I pass away (knock on wood)

Sorry, I got carried away there. Getting back on track, the Israelis are here! Their doctors are operating on our people because we lack the most essential of health care. Not to mention they do have their own agendas as well; such as gathering intelligence on our country, promoting their values, and gaining symapthy for their cause. I'm probably confusing you right now, aren't I? (audience nods in agreement)

HORSE SHIT!! I'm not advocating them being in the Maldives any more than I advocate our government officials running the country, but hey.. it is out of my control. (quick smile at the audience)

The presence of the Israeli (these people are a cause for trouble. I'm having a hard time with the spelling itself. Imagine how the people would be!) doctors did not bother be much just because they are Jews. Two things bothered me;

1. There are Islamic countries who have good doctors (to be fair, any country has better health care systems than us) but I do not see their teams of doctors coming into the country to help our folks. All I see are people who come to give sermons and promote the religion. Dude, we need REAL aid to this country from you people. The Israeli team does have their own agendas for coming to this country, but even so, they have the stone-clad balls to come here, a 100% Muslim country, and do their thing in the name of medicine. Why cannot the Muslim countries provide the same health even with their own agendas. It is not much with all the oil they are drilling from the earth each day.

2. The haste with which we (*sniff* I have to include myself as well) judge others are simply.. what is a good word to decribe.. (keep the audience guessing).. aaah yes, preposterous! We do not have the right to judge anyone else. Who am I, or you, to decide how someone else is? (for the sake of argument, I can judge you all for who you are in this post)

There, that is my beef with all the protesters from the weekend. Stop stereotyping! Have you forgotten the new born baby who was thrown away at Hulhumale? Did the Israelis make the mother do that? What about all the freaking deaths caused by stabbing? Are the Israelis responsible for that? HELL NO! It is the good for nothing Maldivians who did all that! Furthermore, they cannot be convicted because of lack of evidence. AAAAARRRRGHH!! If I stab someone in front of everyone, what more evidence do you need? Well, in my case, you will not need because I am expendible (wait for a sympathetic 'awwww' from the audience)

The acts from the weekend does nothing but diminish our place in the world. Do not get me wrong, I am not happpy with the idea of establishing diplomatic ties with Israel. The reason for that is far beyond my scope of reach, but why don't the Islamic organizations and teams in the Maldives establish better ties with the Islamic countries. The same goes to the government and the President. This is a cause for major concern (temporary interruption: *salute* Major Concern) We need to make sure that the aid from the Islamic countries are not limited to providing an hour long speech about religion but rather that it provides more physical aid.

This part of the post is for our good-for-nothing opposition politicians. The only reason you created a fuss about the whole thing is to oppose the government. If you are all so keen to protect the religion as you claim, you would have done a better job with all the bills and everything that goes in your circus.. oops I meant to say the parliament. (pause for laughter) So, you are not any better than the Israelis who are here. Atleast they have the chocolate-covered-titanium balls (girls love it and guys cannot crush it) to show up with their hidden agendas.

Anyway, I think I have rambled enough for tonight. I would like to leave you with two things. First, we can marry a Jewish woman. If they are such a bad people, would our religion allow it? Secondly, look at the hand on the top of this article. The fingers are of different colors and are of different length. Does the red pinky make the hand any less of a hand? Does the yellow thumb hinder its grip? (wait for the audience to disagree) Exactly! We have to judge the hand for what it can do regardless of what it looks like or the length of its fingers. Likewise, regardless of whether a person is a Muslim, Jew, Christian, Hindu, or any of the other hundred or so religions in the world, what matters is whether the person is a good human. The rest of the judgement is up to God. And FYI, the pinky is yellow and the thumb is red. I was testing your attentiveness. Adios... (standing ovation)

the princess and the dragon

2010-10-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

image courtesy of http://galefraney.wordpress.com/2008/09/15/princess-and-the-dragon-card/

Long time ago, in a faraway land, there lived a princess. She was the second child of the proud king and queen of the kingdom of Gaisha. They lost their first child, a handsome boy, long time ago and thus, the new baby seemed like their first child again. They named her Kahlan and she was very beautiful. On the day she was born, the whole kingdom was merry with joy and laughter. All the people got off from work early to decorate the entire kingdom in preparation for the birth of their future queen. Old and young alike were dancing and singing on the streets. Flags were raised everywhere and fireworks filled the night sky. The atmosphere was alive, full of happiness… enough to bring back the dead!

Suddenly, the sky went dark. All the fireworks that were going ‘BOOM’ in the sky went quiet. As the people looked around wondering what was going on, a tall man wearing a cloak as dark as night itself walked into the room. But wait, he was not touching the ground! It was as if he was walking on air. He looked around as he made his way, walking in midair, towards the throne where the king and queen sat clutching their daughter tightly. The stranger’s face was blank. It showed no emotion. Once he reached the king he said, “Oh my King.” His voice was loud. Like his face, it had no emotion. “It’s nice to see you so happy with your daughter,” he continued. “My dear King, I want your daughter. I want to raise her so that she will become my queen.” The king got very angry hearing this and yelled, “GUARDS! Arrest this man!”

All the guards in the castle came running towards the man with their swords and lances ready to kill the man who was threatening to take away their princess. But alas, the man just waved his finger and all the guards stopped moving. They were frozen in place as if being held by invisible chains. “HAHAHA,” the man laughed… his first sign of emotion. It was haunting and evil. “I am a wizard and no one can stop me my dear and foolish king.” He looked around as he said this and the people cowered under his cold and evil stare. “Give me what I want and I will not harm anyone… or else!!” His voice boomed through the whole castle. At these words, the queen broke down crying. She could not even imagine the pain of losing her baby princess. “You cannot have her… you evil man..,” she exclaimed through her sobs. The evil wizard roared with laughter and came towards the queen. “Get out of my way dear queen,” he warned. With a wave of his fingers he made the baby fly into his hand. “NOOOOO…,” the queen cried out with so much pain and sorrow but the wizard paid no attention and turned around to leave the castle. People were crying now, not knowing what would happen to them.

All of a sudden, the whole sky went bright. People covered their eyes at the light that filled the darkness that the wizard brought. When they opened their eyes, they saw a dragon flying in the sky. It was the most beautiful thing anyone ever saw. Its body was blue, pink, and green. The dragon was flapping its wings to stay and it reflected the light in all the directions bringing out a frenzy of colors. “MY NAME IS MODENA AND I AM GOING TO STOP YOU,” the dragon bellowed as it landed on the castle grounds. The wizard was suddenly struck with fear. He tried to smile at the dragon and said, “I did not mean any harm.” Modena stared at the wizard with his bright red eyes as if he didn’t believe a word the evil wizard said. The wizard sensed this and looked around quickly trying to find a way to flee with the princess.

The wizard suddenly jumped into the air and tried to fly away from the castle. Modena flapped his wings and lifted off to follow him. When the wizard sensed the dragon following him, he turned around and waved his free hand towards the dragon. Out of nowhere, chains popped out of the sky and wrapped around the dragon. Modena roared loudly and broke free and flew towards the wizard who was escaping. But wait… the chains were alive!! They were like snakes. The chains had mouths on its ends and he could hear it hiss as it chased after Modena. Modena paid no attention to this and tried to save the baby princess. He thought about breathing fire but he could not do anything to the wizard because he might hurt the baby. Modena felt a sudden tug on his leg and saw that the chains had caught up to him. One of it was biting on his leg and wrapped itself around him. The next chain got a hold of his other leg. Modena thought that he could not give up and used all of his energy and grabbed the chains with his hand. Once he got a hold of the chains, he threw it in the air and blasted a big breath of fire. The people on the ground could see the fire. It wasn’t like any normal fire they saw. It was bright bluish white with a slightly red outline. They could hear the chains hiss as if in pain when the flame hit it. When Modena stopped breathing fire, there were no signs of the chain. He was free and continued to chase after the wizard. He caught up to the wizard and roared, “UNHAND HER!!” “As you wish…,” the wizard replied with an evil grin and dropped the baby.

Modena roared with anger and slashed across the wizards face with his sharp claws. The blow made the wizard faint and the wizard fell to the ground. Modena looked down in horror as he saw the baby heading towards the ground. He dove down… using all of his strength, flapping his wings wildly, gasping for air and praying for luck. People were gathering on the ground looking in horror at what might happen. Modena didn’t want to give up. He was too close to saving the baby. The ground was coming closer and with one final burst of energy Modena leapt forward and got his hand on the baby! Modena held the baby tightly. There were sighs of relief from the crowd below but it soon turned to horror again as they realized that the dragon cannot stop now. Modena was too close to the ground that he couldn’t change his direction. He hugged the baby against his chest as he crashed on the ground with a loud and thunderous THUD!!

The ground shook and the people gathered around the dragon. The king and queen ran up to the dragon wondering what the fate of their child was. As they neared Modena, who was on his back slightly moving, they heard the baby’s cry. The queen went up to the dragon and grabbed the baby and held her as if she would never let her go. The king came up to the dragon and thanked him over and over again. The king asked, “Dear dragon, why did you risk your life to save Kahlan’s life?” Modena looked at the king and smiled, “Because Kahlan is my baby sister and I am your long lost son father.” The king was surprised but very happy to hear that. Suddenly there was another bright light and Modena disappeared. Instead, there was a handsome boy lying there. He got up and looked around at his mother and father. “The evil wizard turned me into a dragon and I wanted to save my sister from the same thing.” The queen came and hugged her son while everyone clapped and cheered, for the future for the kingdom of Gaisha looked bright once more.

Well, I wanted to give you all something different and hope you enjoyed. Adios...

things the world would be better off without

2010-10-10T08:47:00.000-07:00

As Sebastian says, the human world is a mess. There are many needless garbage we need to throw out. Yes, I said NEEDLESS garbage because some garbage can be recycled, reused, or even refurbished. However, this is a list of things that wouldn't even be useful as garbage. It would ultimately give garbage a bad name. If garbage used things, and threw away its garbage, it would still be.. oops.. I went on a tangent there. Sorry folks. Wait. Why am I apologizing? It's my blog. Oops I did it again! Anyway, below are some things, in no particular order, that the world would be better off without.

1. Edward the-gampire Cullen

edward cullen- the boy who died

It's hard not to root for the hero in a movie, but our flamboyant vampire makes me wish otherwise. Dude, you got casted as Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter. Now that suits you more. You thought you had all the glory, but bloody Harry Potter stole your thunder and you ended up being collateral damage. If twilight was like that, who knows what would have happened? And what's with that skin of yours? You look like a freaking glitter pen came all over you! Alright, you got me. I use a glitter pen. So sue me!

2. Politicians

think this picture is taking it a tad bit too far?

I did that thing that psychologists do with word association. When I said the word politicians out loud, my inner voice said Satan. Hence, the picture. I don't wanna write anything about politicians because their hopcrisy and their sadistic nature is general knowledge. It's not even good for trivia.

3. (spelling pending approval)

I spent more time googling this picture than writing this post

Ok.. So I wanted to get a picture of our self claimed 'super star' and I had to try so many spellings before I got a hold of his picture. Sheesh! If you're gonna claim stardom, atleast spell your name the same way twice. Season, Seazun, Seazan, Seasun, Seasan, Czun, Czan, Czun, Seesan, Seesun, Seeson, Ctzun, Ctzan, and Ctzun are some names I tried before I got a hit. Unbelievable!

4. Justin Beiber

meh

I'll be honest. I don't even know this kid. I hate him just for the hell of it. Are you seriously wearing a purple sweater while showing the peace symbol? The Palestinians called. They want you to stop using the peace symbol to fix your feminine hormone rush. If I see you in person while making that gesture, I'll make you swallow your own peace symbol. Peace out dude!

5. The Teletubbies

awww look at you all. so happy and witty. DIE!! DIE!!!!!

You may argue I hate them because I am no longer a kid. I hated it as a kid! Screw the people who tell me that cartoons are stupid because it's not real. Seriously? Having grown men in some gay costume running around talking like drunk lunatics is real? AAAARRRRGGGGHH!! I am too angry to write even..

(after sometime to cool off)

If you know me at all, you'd realize someone is missing on this list. Yes it's

6. Barney

a purple T-Rex? what will they think of next?

My hatred of Barney lies right within my core. The day I look at Barney with any sort of good will is the day I shoot myself. To convey how much I despise this abomination to all the dinosaurs, I will write a little song. It goes to the tune of the song 'Heigh-Ho' from Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

We kill kill kill kill kill kill kill at home the whole day through

To kill kill kill kill kill kill kill is what we really like to do

It ain't that hard to kill him quick

If you kill kill kill with a shovel or a pick

In his bed! In his bed! In his bed! In his bed!

Where Barney sits and whines

We kill kill kill kill kill kill kill from early morn till night
We kill kill kill kill kill kill kill till we know he has died

We hold him up by his throat

A thousand tears, sometimes more

But we don't know what we kill him for

We kill kill kill a-kill kill

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho

Heigh-ho

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's off to kill we go

(whistle)

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's off to kill we go
(whistle)

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho hum

Heigh-ho (until fade)

You may think this is overkill. Tell me, do you want a...

pink batman!!!??? or patman if you'd please. think about this...

Until next time. Adios...

the shampire chronicles

2010-10-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

If you read my blog, I assume you have met the Shampire. Last time we met, things got pretty ugly to say the least. But behold the miracles of modern medicine! Guess who's back?

The SHAMPIRE!

and he is pissed!

Me: Guess what the cat dragged in? You're alive! WOW!
Shampire: Pfffttt! I am not talking to you.
Me: What happened?
Shampire: (stares at me with emo-eye-linered eyes)
Me: Aaahhh. You're angry about how things ended last time we met.
Shampire: Angry is an understatement! You almost got me killed!!
Me: But you didn't die.
Shampire: I could have.
Me: But you didn't.
Shampire: I could have!!!
Me: So you couldn't?
Shampire: Why you little bitch!
Me: Man, you must be pissed.
Shampire: An apology would be nice.
Me: My heartfelt apologies for almost killing you. I never thought it would get that epic.
Shampire: See? That's your problem. you never think. You just do!
Me: Enough with the apologies, so how are you still alive?
Shampire: It's a miracle. You left me for dead after my Stick of Karma blew up.
Me: Oh yeah. It was quite...
Shampire: (Evil eyes)
Me: Please go on with your story.
Shampire: The medics came and rushed me into the ER and the doctors performed surgery on me.
Me: Yeah I must say, you look quite different now. Almost as if you're too young.
Shampire: Thank you! You see, my skin was completely burnt for the most part. So the docs had to remove skin from my... (blushes)
Me: Let me guess. Your butt?
Shampire: My hips. Well.. Near my hips. Lower back.
Me: So your ass?
Shampire: Alright alright. My bottom. They removed the skin from my bottom. Don't worry. It's not as bad as
Me: FACE! BWAHAHAHAHA
Shampire: I am leaving right now! You always end up pissing me off.
Me: My apologies once again. But you look so different now.
Shampire: Yes yes my child. I am quite different now. Remember how I was like back in the day?
Me: Yeah. You were a sadistic sexist who used religion as a tool to fool others.
Shampire: Well.. I guess that sums it up. So anyway, while recovering from my life threatening injury, I realized the error of my ways and decided to change.
Me: How so?
Shampire: First of all, I have given up on believing in underage marriages, about having concubines, and blindly killing the innocent in the name of religion.
Me: I can't believe I am saying this. BUT those are what you are all about. What about the fear that strikes people's hearts when we say the word 'shampire'?
Shampire: I still believe in religion and some of those hardcore rules.
Me: So what are you now?
Shampire: I am still a shampire. But in simplest terms, let's say I am a vegetarian.
Me: What? O_o
Shampire: Listen here my child. I just don't want to brainwash people anymore and hurt innocents. My beliefs and ideologies stay with me. That's what I mean by saying I'm a vegetarian.
Me: So now you're gay?
Shampire: HOW DARE YOU?!!!
Me: I see that almost dying didn't change your nasty temper.
Shampire: It's not like I am a different person now. But
Me: FACE!!!!! LAAM VAAV LAAM!
Shampire: Why, I am going to beat you up with this stick.
Me: Is that a new Stick of Karma?
Shampire: This piece of junk? It's just a normal stick I keep with me.
Me: Alright. The docs, what kind of surgery did they perform?
Shampire: It was plastic surgery ofcourse.
Me: But to replace the damaged skin they had to perform another surgery, huh?
Shampire: Yes. And your point is?
Me: Did they do open-ass surgery on you? MuahAHAHAHahAHHAHAHAhAHAH
Shampire: (Shakes head) Sometimes I wonder why I even talk to you.
Me: Tell me, what's next for you?
Shampire: I want to live a quite life. Cause no trouble. Might even fool around a bit with some women my age.
Me: You player!
Shampire: Well, I must get going now.
Me: Fare thee well, my friend.
Shampire: You too. You misguided hopeless excuse for a human being!
Me: And that's the last I heard of the Shampire. I never met him or heard from him since then. He's not my friend. Nor my enemy. Because he's the hero that the world deserves. But not the one it needs right now. And so we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A dark knight! (Epic SEASONIC THUNDER!!!)

Few days later, after reviewing my draft

Shampire: Seriously? You sunk that low huh? You had to use the ending of the dark knight for my farewell?
Me: I can tell another ass joke before you go.
Shampire: NO!
Me: So every time you breath, you're technically farting. You are passing air from inbetween your ass-covered cheeks!

Thus ends the Shampire trilogy. He passed away few years later (guess he wasn't immortal) and below is the engraving I carved on his tombstone:

Lo, there do I see my Father..
Lo, there do I see my Mother...
And my Sisters and my Brothers..
Lo, there do I see the line
Of my people back to the beginning..
They do bid me to take my place among them..
In the Halls of Valhalla,
Where the Brave may live forever.

I hope his ghost doesn't come to haunt me for quoting a Viking Prayer! Adios...

women 101

2010-09-10T15:45:00.000-07:00

Someone said to me the other day that I objectify women. Naturally I resented that. But then my friend said the same thing when I told him about it. So here I am, scrutinized for something I don't even know about. However, it got me thinking. Maybe it's not that I objectify women. Maybe it's women who objectify themselves and I see it. Kind of like the movie; sixth sense. Hence, here is my objectification of different types of women. Before I get ahead of myself, If this post seems sexist in anyway, then it probably is and if this offends you, I probably wanted to offend you. Now that we got it out of the way, let us begin:
(DRUM ROLL followed by the deafening buzz of the vuvuzela)

1. The Phillips Woman: let's make things better
This is the other woman. The woman that guys cheat on with. She promises something a lot better and the guy falls for it. Let's say the man is a goat. The goat sees grass on the otherside and rushes over to eat it, thinking it's greener. To be fair, sometimes it IS greener.

2. The Hitachi Woman: for deeper penetration
Well, this is the kind of woman who has a lot of experience and has been well used (if you know what I mean). They are more commonly known as MILFs and sometimes mistaken for cougars. Though to be a cougar, one piece of the woman's undergarment must be see-through.

3. The Maldivian Woman: flying made simple
Can I make this any simpler? This is the woman who doesn't give a rat's ass as to what goes in the relationship. She doesnt give a damn! She doesn't give a crap! If crap ate crap and crapped crap, she still wouldn't give a second glance at it. I think I made my point...

4. The Dhiraagu Woman: keeps you in touch
Now this is a tricky woman; some guys like her while others don't. They are the touchy dovey type. They literally show their love by clinging on to you and watch your every move. Slightly stalkerish at times, but they are honest with their feelings.

5. The Wataniya Woman: life's good, share it
Many mistake the Wataniya Woman for anti-Dhiraagu Woman. However, they aren't related despite the close proximity of the affiliated merchandise brand-name. The Wataniya Woman is the person who tries to make you feel better. They try to show how good things are when your life has gone down the slums. Just one bright ray of sun shine that reaches the abyssal zone of the Pacific!

6. The Police Woman: to protect and serve
Aaaah... the infamous rebound. They will be there for you right after your woman dumps you. They will do everything to make you happy, promise to protect you, and will give you love, lots and lots of love.

7. The MNDF Woman: duty, honor, country
Now this is the woman you should all try to avoid. They are loyal, honest, religous, infact too religous. They are covered from head to toe because it's their duty to hide themselves from everyone. Covering themselves protects their honor, and bound by their duty and their honor, they save the country for the future generations. While it is good to protect one's honor, covering yourself so that the only way we men can judge whether you are beautiful or not is by looking at your palm is not cool. Hello!!! Beauty IS only skin deep, so give us something to work with!

8. The Master Card Woman: there are somethings that money can't buy...
You get stuck with the Master Card Woman, better pray you get a pay check that's fatter than a 14-inch strap-on because she will spend every cent you earned and then leave you for another guy. Yeah it sucks, but you HAD to choose her so it's partly your fault that she left you.

9. The Bose Woman: better sound through research
Please welcome the insatiable one! The Bose Woman will always look for the next best guy. She can never be satisfied no matter the size of your pay check or your cherry pecker. She always looks for the next best thing!

10. The ROL Woman: internet the way it's meant to be
This woman doesn't guarantee that she's the best you could get but rather it's a compromise. You go through life meeting different women and you reach a point when you realize it's a never ending battle and you settle for someone. You convince yourself it's the right person for you and justify your action by saying it's how life should be (but we all know you're lying to yourself).

11. The Goosebumps Woman: reader beware! you're in for a scare!
The name is self explanatory. This is the psychopath woman. Leave them, hurt them, or make them feel any emotion at all, and they will do anything from stabbing you with a fork to cutting off your right testicles. Yes, apparantly the Goosebumps Woman can tell the right from the left!!

12. The Storm of The Century Woman: give me what I want and I'll go away
Say hello to the nagger. She won't stop talking until she gets what she wants. There is no end to it. It'll be just like the movie from dusk till dawn, except that it will contain fewer (most likely no) hot strip scenes, and more of the vampires sucking the blood out of you scenes! This yapper, never stops yapping. If she was a bird, she'd be a naggot! See what I did there? I combined nagger with parrot! Hah!

Well, I can go on with this forever, but I will stop here. And for you girls reading this and thinking I objectify only women, you are quite wrong. Here is the simple truth about Men. Every man is (wait for it)

A Sony Man - it's a sony
Yup! Regardless of what you see, you get the same thing. If your man looks like a jerk, then he is a jerk. If he looks like a saint, then he is a jerk. If he looks like a pious guy who will never hurt you, then he is a jerk. I think I have made myself crystal clear on this.

Until next time, Adios...

if i was the president

2010-06-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

I have come to notice that everyone is a politician these days. There is no need to study, live a good life, or even be 'human' in order for one to become involved in politics. Hence, I decided to give this a try and unfold how things would be if I was the president.

1. First and foremost, I will not make any promises. I would only listen and offer to 'think' about the issues at hand. That way, no one can call me a liar.

That's right. There will be no vows under the full moon during my reign!

2. There will be justice for all. I will look into our 2000 year old history and prosecute each and everyone for their abuse of our beloved nation. If the suspect is deceased, I will look for a living descendant and that person will pay for the crime. Everyone gets what they deserve (some more deserving than others).

Watch out Rannamaari king. Justice League is coming for you and your offsprings!

3. There will be absolute transparency.

Transparency: from the things we use...

...to the dress we wear!

4. The people will have the right to choose everything through a referendum. The kids can choose their parents. If the father doesn't meet the satisfaction of the household, the child can call for a no-confidence vote and the father can be axed and power given to a new and capable individual.

Small note: I alone reserve the power to oust myself (evil grin)

5. There will be prompt punishment for molesters, rapists, and murderes. It can range from public executions to (more fun) torturing shows on the streets. Once again I reiterate "Justice for all!"

figure 1: A possible idea for torturing a rapist. The setup can be modified to hook the chains onto his more delicate organs.

6. I will dismantle the tsunami monument and use the steel to make harpoons and kill errr I mean prosecute the so called 'stars' of Mollywood.

I don't know what will be the greater good: getting rid of the monument or the stars...

7. I will privatise each and everything.

Yes. You will now be paid to go and pray.

8. There will be no weekly radio adresses to the nation. Instead I will play a song on the radio which captures the mood of the country for that week.

This may sound selfish, but people, get ready to listen to death metal on a weekly basis.

9. I will uphold the constituion of the country and ensure that all the lawyers do their job and keep the junkies and fundies behind bars. There will be no 'we didn't get enough evidence' bullshit during my presidency. I will ensure the law is bent in everyway possible to convict the suspect for his/her crimes.

I will twist, cut corners, and blackmail to make sure the Constitution is upheld!

10. Maldives will hold the 2018 FIFA World Cup!

The competition ball will be called the DHIBULANI and will be made by sonee sports. I will also ban the vuvuzelas and introduce the bubuzelas (bubu is the local tongue for bodu beru)

Until next time. Adios people...

5 things you should know about the maldives

2010-06-22T03:53:00.000-07:00

We all love the Maldives. We claim that visitors from all over the world come to maldives after seeing the beauty of it (pun intended). I think that our beloved visitors aka piñatas filled with cash should know about our country before they set foot here. Here are five things you should know about the Maldives and to be honest, even us Maldivians need to know this as well. Let's start, shall we?

1. Your ability to yell and swear with no shame will grant you better jobs than a Doctorate in nuclear engineering.

2. Only two things can unite the Maldivian people: a tsunami and the SAFF Championship.

3. Any public display of affection is disallowed but you can grope, bump, and grind on the national television and it's perfectly legal and much encouraged.

4. Theatrical success is measured by how much the movie can make you cry

5. You are guilty unless proven innocent

a modest proposal

2010-06-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

image courtesy of http://media.photobucket.com/image/drugs/parttake/prescription_drugs.jpg

In today’s world of escalating cost in living standards and declining job opportunities, life has become a game of survival of the fittest. People will go to any extremes to fulfill their needs. In other words, the world has become a “dog-eat-dog” environment. While some people try to work on the simple job they have and pray that the income will be enough, others make an effort to seek a better job, or at least a better source of income. Taking only profit into consideration, the drug market is an extremely high-profit industry and is the reason why it should be made legal.

According to Eric Green, more than 2.2 million pounds of drugs entered the United States in 2004, which has a street value of more than 2.6 billion dollars (US Department of State's Bureau of International Information Programs). That is more than the total expenditure of most Asian, Latin American, and some European countries (CIA-World Fact Book). If the United States were to start a drug industry, it would greatly enhance the economies of Third World Countries by providing many job opportunities.

If we look at the U.S Drug Enforcement Administration statistics of 2001 and 2002, the average price of cocaine ranges from $12,000 to $35,000 per kilogram; while the average price of methamphetamine ranges from $3,500 to $21,000 per kilogram; and the average price of marijuana ranges from $400 to $1,000 per pound. There is a chance, in this market, for the small businessmen out there who do not have the capital to do business on a larger scale. Given just three drugs; think of how much poverty that could be reduced by this business considering the additional drugs available for consumption.

The drug business is an ideal way to deal with the growing unemployment situation in the world. Green states, in his article, that there were more than 56,000 attempts to smuggle drugs in to the United States (United States Department of State's Bureau of International Information Programs). If it was made legal, the drug trade would lower the unemployment rate, a huge factor for the high number of crimes in the World, not only in the United States, but also in Colombia, Mexico, and other Asian countries. It will be just like farming, but instead of corn or soy beans, drug plants will be the cash-crop. As Raphael and Winter-Ebmer state in their journal, the overall “property crime rates” decline of “slightly more than 40 percent” from 1992 to 1997, can be credited to the decrease in the unemployment rate (281). So, in addition to helping better the economy, the drug industry will also reduce the crime rates, making the society a symbol of peace and harmony.

If the drug industry is working well, it will increase the government’s revenue. Looking at the figures, there are 2.6 billion dollars worth of drugs, and, if taxed at 5 percent, we would yield around 130 million dollars in revenue. Then, giant drug-farms can be designed and built.

To yield an even better income, scientists who can use biotechnology to enhance plant growth would be hired. Should that technique be able to produce enough to satisfy the country’s demand, the product could be exported to other countries and could slowly become a monopoly. The government can then impose an export tax and get almost the same amount of money as from previous taxes. In addition, the business now been centered in the country, will bring a better income to the companies involved in the business. Using the price of drugs already given, the income from taxes can be doubled as tax by having the drug exported. So this plan along with sales from exporting the drugs will bring a total predicted income of 2.86 billion dollars.

The income from this business could be used to finance the beneficial programs such as the President’s carbon neutrality program. The income could also be used by the educational program. If revenues from the drug industry are used, it would provide a huge portion, if not all, of the educational budget. So, literally, the total expenditure could be cut down or it can be used for further societal improvement. In other words, the drug industry could lead to a Maldives that is economically more stable.

The drug industry; it seems is the perfect way to earn a living. Others’ resources could be used to develop a business that would become a dominant force in the economy. It would lead to a country with an incredibly lower crime rate. Given these facts, one has to wonder why the drug trade is resented so much in the Maldives. Of course, voices could be and will be raised against this proposal. One may go on to argue about the ill-effects drugs have on our health. But, if all we want is a profitable business, why not choose the necessary evil? The drug industry could make one rich, which in turn makes him highly respected, and a social figure in the society; all factors which make a man powerful, and imagine all of this happening in such a short amount of time. I propose to give this a thought. Adios…

References:

Green, Eric. “United States Reports Further Success in Drug War.” United States Department of State's Bureau of International Information Programs. 13 Jan. 2005. 21 Sept. 2005

Raphael, Steven and Winter-Ebmer, Rudolf. “Identifying the Effect of Unemployment on Crime” The Journal of Law and Economics. 44 (2001): 259–283. 26 Sept. 2005

United States. Central Intelligence Agency. The World Fact Book. 30 Aug. 2005. 23 Sept. 2005. http://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/fields/2056.html

United States. Drug Enforcement Administration. Drug Trafficking in the United
States. 21 Sept. 2005 http://www.usdoj.gov/dea/pubs/state_factsheets.html

my pathetic attempt at making a motivational poster

2010-06-11T03:31:00.000-07:00

note: no monkeys were harmed during this photo session

the medicinal tongue

2010-06-02T07:47:00.000-07:00

It's something different this time. I heard someone tell this joke in Dhivehi and decided to do my own take on the joke and put it out there for the world to see...

the shampire strikes back

2010-05-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

image courtesy of Google and MS Paint

Me: Welcome to my first sequel. Today I try to probe further into the life of our friend the Shampire. Without further ado, let me welcome his Holiness.
Shampire: His what? Did you just say his Holiness?
Me: Err my apologies.. Didn't mean to disgrace your name.
Shampire: His Holiness is how the Pope is refered to as. Tell me human, do I even remotely look like his Holiness?
Me: Hahaha.. You said his Holiness. You respect him..
Shampire: Why yes I do. We are both representatives from our respective Gods, and I have to give him his proper dues. (whispers) But between you and me, I don't respect him at all.
Me: It's refreshing to know you hold true to your beliefs your Highness.
Shampire: Sure sure. So errr about the last time we met, I am sorry I chased after you with an AK.
Me: Oh yeah, no worries. I totally understand. By the way, how did you turn that ordinary looking stick into a rifle?
Shampire: My dear child.. it isn't just a stick. It's the Stick of Karma!
Me: The stick of what? Karma??
Shampire: Yeah. It is a very special stick. Shall I tell you how it is made?
Me: Does it matter what I say? You will tell me anyway.
Shampire: LAAM VAAM LAAM! You're right. I would have told you regardless.. So, the Stick of Karma is made from wood from the seven continents of the world. The seven pieces of wood are grated into a container which is filled with water from the five oceans of the world. The mixture is left for weeks, sometimes months or even years and once the container dries up, the powder is moulded into a stick and tadaaa. You have the Stick of Karma.
Me: (looking at Shampire with keen interest)
Shampire: What are you looking at boy? Never saw a man with a beard before?
Me: No no.. I am wondering where your nose hair ends and your moustache begins.
Shampire: Why you ungrateful soul! I am going to beat you with this stick!!
Me: A million apologies my Lord.
Shampire: Well, just don't mock me. Shampires have feelings too (puppy eyes)
Me: So, how do you get to turn that stick into a rifle? Do you boil a rifle in the super wood-from-every-continent-and-water-from-every-ocean mixture?
Shampire: No you fool! Are you an idiot?
Me: Aaah ok. Now I am the idiot.
Shampire: There there.. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Me: It's ok.. It's just that..
Shampire: It's settled then. As I was saying, to turn the Stick of Karma into a weapon, you have to get the weapon you want first.
Me: DUH
Shampire: What was that? You retarded or something?
Me: no comments
Shampire: HHMMPPH! I won't tell you the details anymore. It's a sacred ritual.
Me: Okies. Tell me your nobleness, where are the rest of you?
Shampire: BAA RAA BAA
Me: What the hell? Are you singing?
Shampire: No no you mindless bastard! I was saying I will be right back. I am an Arab, remember?
Me: Aaaaah. You claim to be an Arab but you speak in English to me. How come?
Shampire: Cos you don't know Arabic! Ya Allah! Maa Haaza? Huva kaslaan va laisa indhahu ilmun yarah. Hal huva insaan au haivaan ya rahbee?!!
Me: Oops.
Shampire: Tell me, have you considered my offer to become one of us?
Me: Dear Lord, here we go again...
Shampire: I think the problem is with your attitude. With attitude like that, you can't get anything done.
Me: What do you know? I am a flawed human being.
Shampire: Exactly. Join me my son. Together we will make the world a better place.
Me: Based on our previous encounter it's safe to say your daughter is off limits as a reward. So what is in it for me?
Shampire: Why you selfish bastard! You get eternal salvation. Isn't that enough?
Me: Yeah it is I guess. So when do we start?
Shampire: (Tears flowing) First thing tomorrow morning.
Me: Woohoo
Shampire: I will give you a bag. Your mission is to take the bag over to the playground where they have set up a music show. Once you go there, I will press the button and it will blow up all the infidels to smitherins.
Me: Awesome! It's a deal.
Shampire: Those poor imbicels won't know what hit them.
Together: MuahAHAhAHAHahahAHAHAha

We go our separate ways preparing for the next day.
Time is 4:30 in the morning.

Me: Ummm Shamp.. You awake? We have a problem.
Shampire: What the hell? It's freaking 4:30! Why did you wake me up so early?
Me: I have errr a slight cold and can't carry the bag with me to the playground. Do you mind carrying it for me?

With this, he threw the Stick of Karma up into the air which turned into a cluster bomb. I ran on for dear life as I heard the deafening explosion behind me. I looked back one last time at Shampire and saw him praying to heavens in the burning flame.. The last of his kind.. He was funny, sarcastic, and one hell of a guy. Below is the last thing I remember before I blacked out.. Until next time.. Adi...

harney

2010-04-22T01:41:00.000-07:00

Harney's image courtesy of Google and err Barney(?)

Harney is a fanatic from our imagination,

And when he's horny,

He looks to young girls for fornication.

Harney's friends have concubines,

And stink from lots of places.

After work they meet to pray,

And preach with gloomy faces.

Harney shows us lots of things,

Like how to fool others,

Suicides and promises,

And how to be a threat.

Harney comes to threaten us,

Even if we don't need him.

Harney can be your enemy too,

If you don't make-believe him.

short and sweet

2010-04-12T03:30:00.000-07:00

Since I have been away from my creative arts for a while, I am going to write a little about everything on thoughts I gathered during my excursion of our beloved country.

Feeding frenzy - The most realistic game ever. shows exactly why poop rolls down hill.
Democracy - We get to select who we wanna whine about later.
Politics - An excuse for alpha males to act like children and get away with it.
Home is where the heart is - If that's true, then I am a living miracle cos my heart should be some 244 miles away from where I am sitting right now (yeah, that is roughly the exact distance).
BML visa debit card - You can finally buy the things that money can't buy. Suck on that MasterCard!
Chinese medical center - Why don't we have a japanese medical center or an arabian medical center? They have their own type of medicine too, right?
Dodge ball - Secretly teaches kids that life is gonna grab you by the balls if you aren't careful.
Cockroach - I swear it is an alien and NASA sends missions to the end of the universe to search for life.
Justice - Given to those who deserve it or who can afford the better lawyer.
Rape - Did you say 'no' to the person who was raping you while holding a knife to your throat? Then it was consensual sex and you should be charged with adultery.
Religion - A tool for some people to get into your mind, much like money, science, fear, and toys.
Rainbows - God's miracle to give a moment of happiness for fishermen with a bad catch.
Headache - Body's way of telling you to shut it or it will shut you!
Sunrise - For those who are tired of the sunset and those who listen to Augustana.
Passenger liners - The best way to excite a 2 year old kid who's dad works on a 'ship.'
PS3 - The greatest gift to men after the creation of women and G.I. Joe.
Bureaucracy - Reason why the jerk sitting behind the counter can piss on you with his/her smile and you can't do anything about it.
Date night - The way to tell your wife she can't cook without getting kicked out of the house.
Tolkien - I don't know you half as well as I should like; but I like more than half of you half as well as you deserve.. LOTR kicked ass!!!
Birthdays - Just another excuse to spend a butt load of money and get away with it.
Ants - don't step on an ant hill let alone fall on one. You'll have little six-legged-devils crawling all over your body.

Well that's all I have for now. Until next time. Adios...

10 people you should never piss off

2010-02-10T23:35:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered, "Hmm.. It was a bad idea to piss him/her off"? Well, then let me help you with my list of people you should never piss off no matter what.

10. Butlers

Do unto others as thou want to be done unto you. So do not mess with your butler because he knows all your secrets including your super alter-ego and your nightly rituals in the bedroom. Just imagine if Alfred was to call out Bruce Wayne and kill him. He would get paid a shit load of money from every villain in the DC Universe. So remember folks, it could have been Alfred begins instead of Batman begins...

9. Teachers

This one doesn't need much of an explanation. Piss off your teachers and their ghosts will haunt you for the rest of your life. FYI: I made a habit of pissing off my teachers when I was a kid and since then I have dated two teachers, tried to date two, and almost worked it out with another teacher. Not to mention that my sister is a teacher, and almost all of my cousins are teachers too (male and female alike). My brother said it was bad karma. It's like getting herpes. You think it's gone, and voila, one pops up from nowhere!

8. The Wolverine

He makes this list just because he is a bad ass. You don't even have to piss him off for him to come after you with his adamantium claws and make manburger meat out of you. The boogeyman may check the closet for Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris is too damned chicken to even look for the Wolverine!

7. Barbers

First of all, you won't be mutilated (the way sweeney does) by your barber if you piss him off. But you will wish he had after he fucks up your hair like it has never been fucked up before. Always remember, the man who has the knife always gets the last laugh. MUAhaHAHAhahaHAHAha (repeat to fade)

6. Waiters

This comes along the same line as butlers but on a much more horrific level. What's the worst a butler could do? Kill you and that's it. A waiter on the other hand can spit in your food or drink, and you will gladly stuff your face with food completely oblivious to the fact that you have the waiter's saliva in your mouth. Might as well french kiss him, right? And that lemonade you are drinking, are you sure it's lemonade? HMMMMMMMMmmmm?

5. Blowjobbers

In case you didn't know, a blowjobber is someone who participates in the act of giving oral sex to a guy. So imagine the girl in the picture is that hot girl you wanted for so long. Imagine the banana in her mouth is your 'wand.' Imagine that she is giving you the greatest time of your life. Imagine you have pissed her off by flirting with another girl. Now imagine her biting a chunk off of the banana. Enough said!

4. Dentists

Has anyone ever had a pleasant time at the dentist? Regardless of the procedure you want, you will suffer utter agony at the hands of the white-lab-coat-wearing maniac who will put Jigsaw from the saw movies to shame. "This may hurt a litte" "Please stay still" "You might feel a little sting" are just some words of 'comfort' you hear at the dentist. There is no comprehending what the dentist would do if you were to actually piss him off. Pretty much he will make love to your mouth with a huge ass drill! The only consolation I can think of is to say this when he gives you the bill, "This may hurt a little doc, I forgot my wallet." HAH! Suck on that BITCH!

1. (also 2 and 3) Ursula

The consequences of pissing off the Sea Witch Ursula is so great that she wins the first three spots in this list. In short, Ursula is the personification of women. Never ever piss off a woman because you will ultimately be hunted down and gutted until none of your remains remain!! Oh and she will do it with a smile too. If you haven't been burned by a woman yet, you haven't lived. Then again, we men say that out of envy to actually mean you've been lucky bro!

hypocrisy of men: religion

2010-02-09T05:26:00.000-08:00

Closeup of the Saudi flag courtesy of Google

Look around us today and compare it to the Maldives of the past. Sure, you could see more cleavages 10 years ago. Someone who wore a veil was a rarity. Today someone who does not is a minority. So, one can argue that we are more religious. Or are we? Females wear veil but they also wear tight fitting clothes that will show every curve in their body. I am not complaining about seeing it, but this defeat the sole purpose of wearing a veil to cover your body. There are people who wear veil and yet wear skirts that are cut high enough to see their under garments. Once again, it's an arousing sight, but it begs the question of our religious values.

Speaking of values, it brings us to marriages. There are people who believe that young girls should marry. I'll be honest. If everything is said and done on the girl's will, then it's fine. But we can't go and preach saying you should marry at a young age. It leads to nothing but an increase in the divorce rate. Yeah it is better than two unmarried people fornicating. But it doesn't mean marrying young is the solution. There is no way a girl's body is physically ready to give birth or her mind to be mature enough to take care of a family at such a young age, especially when the husband is twice her age. Many people ask about our Prophet (PBUH). But let me say one thing. It was a different time. Those were times when women didn't have any place in society (I am being bluntly honest here). They had no education and no careers as compared to the women of today. Today, the women can look after themselves. They are independent and some even provide for the men. So times are going to change and we have to adapt to it but holding onto our core values.

Most people I know will not think twice knowing a non-Muslim died. Why is that? Being a non-Muslim doesn't make them a bad person. Like the time when Diana died, my Quran teacher told me she would go to hell and that she was an infidel. Who are we to decide where she will go after she dies? The fact is, regardless of her religious beliefs, she was a kind person. I have Muslim friends who are worse human beings than my non-Muslim friends. A person may believe what he wants to believe. It says so in the Quran that no one will be forced in religion. But once you choose Islam, then you are obligated to fulfill the duties and prayers. There are Muslims who kill other Muslims in the name of Jihad. There are Muslims who abuse their wives, rape their children and still call themselves Muslims. I would rather spit on their bodies than mourn for their death. What about all the killings in our society today? If one were to look at it through a critical lens, it would behoove one to superimpose this image on any other part of the western world. The only thing that classifies us as Muslims is our national identity. During the times of Ibrahim (A.S), he invited a non-Muslim over to dinner and the guy bows down to the fire (he worshiped fire). Ibrahim (A.S) got pretty darn angry and showed him to the door. And Allah told Ibrahim (A.S) that Allah dealt with all the shirk he committed his whole life but Ibrahim (A.S) couldn't withstand it even for a minute part of a night. He goes onto fetch the old man. He told the old man that Ibrahim (A.S) himself could have committed a worse sin in the eyes of Allah compared to the sin committed by the old man. So, as I said, who are we to judge others?

We have within us many laws that govern Islam. But how many times did they ever come to defend the victim. The ever increasing cases of child abuse and rape are just ignored. The girl who was raped by four maniacs was the guilty person. Why? Because she did not ask them to stop. Imagine there are four fucking guys holding you and trying to do God-knows-what to you. Will you really be begging them or will you just be hoping they would let you live? Likewise, what about the case of the concubine? The Islamic Ministry was quick to call it a lie. Why in the world did they have to do that? Shouldn't they try to find out the truth? The doctors' reports are there. The wife of our horny bastard agrees to the deed and yet, our religious scholars deny it. What about the husband who abuses his wife? Or rapes her? Yes I said rape. Marriage doesn't mean you can force the woman to have sex. It means you are bound together till death do you part. It says in the Quran (I paraphrase) that men are made as a clothing upon women and that women are made as a clothing upon men. In my opinion, the laws of men are made for their needs and to oppress any opposition. One can argue that it is the woman’s duty to fulfill the desire of the man. Well, there is a saying that if the woman turns away from the needs of her husband, angels will pray woe unto her. Is it the same case if the man is a self proclaimed uncaring asshole? I think not. The woman may have a reason she turns herself away from the man. Likewise, it doesn’t give the man any right to treat his woman like shit either. This is one area, where the laws of men completely fucked up.

The consensus among some of us is that suicide is a mean to Jihad. Since when was suicide allowed in Islam? You can have Al-Usthaaz, Ah-Shaih, Ah-Jaahil to your name and it still wouldn't change the fact that suicide is just wrong. Going to war knowing that you will die is different from going and killing yourself. And not distinguishing women and children is wrong. The Prophet (PBUH) once got very angry when (I think it was a kid) was killed in a battle. So who are we today to go and preach and brainwash innocent kids into killing themselves. And you call yourselves Muslims?

Forgiveness: Islam is supposed to be the religion of peace and harmony. But you put one toe out of line, and your ass will go to the gallows. Not really gallows, but you get the idea. We make one mistake and that person will make us rue our very existence. There is a saying that Allah loves those who repent and those who are clean. I take that means, even if we do something bad, it shouldn't hang over our heads like a mistletoe for the rest of our lives. Don't mistake it for letting pedophiles, rapists, and murderers walk free.

Life after death: I have always talked about the 72 virgins in a lot of my posts. Here is why I say so. Why is that every time they talk of paradise they bring up that topic? Like the lecture given by Sheikh Ilyas the other night, he constantly went on and on about that topic. For me, it seems like using, well for lack of a better word, sex to promote religion. What about all the other things people need? Why not the 72 virgins for the women? I have read many answers given by scholars for this question but I think it's unfair as far as our sisters our concerned.

Questioning our beliefs: We are groomed and brought up to believe that questioning our beliefs is a breach of our fidelity. How come? If we have an honest question about our religion shouldn’t we be able to ask? It would only make things clearer to us. Instead, our parents and teachers alike tell us to watch our mouth and we are left to ignorance. Same can be seen in the case of sex related issues. If a kid asks about something sexual he/she would be scolded and at a time when some adult abuses the kid, he/she will be too afraid to talk about it because for them sex is something dirty and disgusting and they don’t want to be associated to sex even if their father’s good friend abuses them on a daily basis.

Finally, I am not a Saint. I have done bad things too and I regret committing those sins. It's not up to you to judge me nor to punish me. I leave that in thy hands, Allah. Adios...

lost love

2010-02-01T08:35:00.000-08:00

Calvin and Hobbes copyright of Bill Watterson

Perishing in your love, I don't know

Where I am. Please don't leave me alone,

Hear my pleas; I need you to row,

The boat of fate, in which for you I moan.

Is it my fate to be vanquished in this world?

By my dreams that never came true,

While I drown in the ocean of my tears, cold

And distant. Will you watch me suffer through

The agony of your silence towards me?

I have become imprisoned in my own patience,

Am I cursed and can I never be free?

Or am I blessed with all this grievance?

Yet, your childish smile my eyes crave,

I will hold you close till I enter my grave.

a picture is worth a thousand words

2010-01-29T23:38:00.000-08:00

privatising mosques?

things we learned from the indians

2009-12-20T23:49:00.000-08:00

east or west - india is the best?

Before I start, this is by no means a racist post. I am just trying to say somethings that I think we learned from our closest brother - India. The list is in no particular order as I am writing as it comes to my mind.

1. Give Indians their independence and they will kill you

You don't need fire to fght with fire. Mahathma Gandhi is living proof of that. He showed the importance of peace and why we should make love and not war. He kicked the Brits out on their ass just by using this as his pricinple. So pretty much he is the MAN!! But he got assasinated just like every other person who fought for their rights. Why was he killed? By some Hindhu fanatic who didn't agree with something Gandhi did. Dude, you just killed the person who gave you the right to breath freely and do what you did.

2. A woman who wears too much make up = THE bitch

Need I say more? There isn't a single Maldivian who doesn't know the infamous villain from Kasauti and everyone hates the hell out of her. They despise her and the way she breathes itself reeks of nothing but pure evil. When two Maldivian women meet they want nothing more than to speak of the evil of the women in these Indian soaps. But if we take a second to wonder, why are all the villains in the soaps some highly fashioned woman? Perhaps people want to think that if they are not wearing necklaces, rings, and earings along with enough make up to shame a mannequin, it won't make them a bad person. You've all been fooled!

3. A man who has the facial hair of a sasquatch = THE he-bitch

If you see a man with every inch of his face covered in hair, he is trouble. He will have that evil smile on his face and is up to no good. If you're a girl, you better get out of there before he runs after you and tries to rape you. If you're a guy, well you better run too 'cos he will come after your lover and kill and/or rape her before he kills your parents. And then you go on a rampage to get revenge from this SOB.

4. They introduce the sixth vowel(?) in the Yenglish yalphabet

My first day in grade 8 and my math teacher was giving out sums for us to do. He was dictating while we wrote. I guess that saved a lot of money and man power on his behalf. Cheap Bastard!! Anyway, I hear him say "two yem plus four yen + five yay + 10 yem yen, Factorise this." And in my mind, I am trying to find just what it was about. I tried to put a picture of this new vowel but they dont appear in writing. It can only be heard. The truth about it is unknown, much like the Holy Grail and the G-Spot.

5. You can bring a woman to orgasm just by necking

Do you have a bad sex life? Do you have trouble bringing you lover to wonderland on a regular basis? Does your lover go to others for sexual gratification? Do you get booed in bed? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you should watch a Hindi movie and learn the way to bring your lover to orgasm just by necking.

I am sure you can come up with a long list of things but I am going to stop here and let you ponder on it. Until next time. Adios...

an interview with a shampire

2009-12-06T20:45:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I have posted anything. This time I have with me a very special person. He is a shampire. Yes, a shampire, it is not a typo. Let's get on with the interview so that we find out more about what/who this person/thing is...

image courtesy of tintin and the land of black gold by Herges and some random image from google

Me: Hey there bud...
Shampire: What was that??? "Bud"??!!!
Me: Oookay. Sorry about that your holiness. How are you doing on this lovely day?
Shampire: You haven't answered my questions still... Uhh I am doing very good. And how about you?
Me: I am doing good too. Thanks for asking. So can you tell us a bit about uhhhhh your kind?
Shampire: Ahh yes, yes. I was expecting that question from you. We are a dying breed in this world. Our name comes from the Arabic word Sheikh which means a religious scholar and (whispers) just between you and me, irresistbly attractive to young women, and from the English word Vampire which is a supernatural being that feeds on human blood. You get the jist brother?
Me: Oh my, that's quite a combination. I get the jist. I really do. Specially about the young women part (snicker)
Shampire: What was that? Are you mocking me you lowly human?
Me: A thousand apologies Oh splendid one. So what should I call you? You got any name?
Shampire: A name is nothing but a mere cloth we wear on ourselves. My name is...
Me: OKAAAY then Shampire it is.
Shampire: NO. You cut me off before I could say my name. You infidel. I KILL YOU!
Me: And here I was wondering why your kind is so rare in the world...
Shampire: You talk in riddles human.
Me: Ahh do I? We call that sarcasm.
Shampire: You are a Sarcastic? How many Gods do you believe in? Who's your prophet?
Me: LOL! It is not a religion. Sheesh... (wipe tears from my eyes) Anyway, the word "shampire" is a little disturbing. Don't you think?
Shampire: I don't think so. Why did you say that?
Me: Well, a vampire is an enemy of the human race... they feed on our blood. And I get the feeling when you combine that with Sheikh, it is like using religion to prey on the blood of humans.
Shampire: HOW DARE YOU!!! You will burn in the seventh level of Dante's inferno!!!
Me: What was that? I am confused. You believe in Dante's inferno? And also, you aren't even an Arab.
Shampire: Why yes, yes... I like that poem about Dante's inferno. And how do you know I am not Arabic? I wear the male veil and I speak arabic fluently. Kaifal haal ya akhy? Antha majnoon!! LAAM VAAV LAAM
Me: Uhhh the answer is yess? By the way what is that LAAM VAAV LAAM?
Shampire: Oh, That's the arabic version of LOL. Since we don't have an 'O' we use the letter VAAV.
Me: Hahah I get it. You are a funny man.
Shampire: SILENCE! I am not a man. Well literally speaking I am, but I am on a much higher level.
Me: Sooo how do you become a shampire?
Shampire: My son, the path to become a shampire is a long and tough journey. You have to learn how to betray your friends, molest young children, and there is the ultimate test.
Me: OOOO betrayal and molestation. What's next?
Shampire: You have to go and fight in the path of justice, namely the way we believe, and blow yourself up.
Me: WTF?? You'd die then!!!
Shampire: Yes we would die. That means we dont deserve to become a shampire. If we survive then we become a shampire and we live for all eternity.
Me: So are you saying you didn't die during your suicide bombing?
Shampire: Don't call it such a degrading act! It's a jihad, a sacrifice. And yeah, I didn't die.
Me: I am amazed your divine holiness. How did you survive?
Shampire: I caught a cold that day and couldn't go to deliver the bomb.
Me: (Mouth hanging open) I'm out of words....
Shampire: Close your mouth. That's rude.
Me: But you were going on a suicide mission and you bailed out cos of a cold??
Shampire: Why yes.. What's so surprising about it? I had a runny nose and there was no way I was up to blowing myself up.
Me: ...
Shampire: Plus even if we die, we get 70 virgins. 70! Can you imagine that? It will be like multiple orgies!!! Ahem.. Next question please. I have to go to recruit.. uhh I mean enlighten young blood.
Me: So why do you prefer to kill yourself in the name of religion than being a good Muslim and living a religious life?
Shampire: It's really simple. We go to Hajj and how much is it? 50,000 ruffiya to go there? And then we have to wait until we die and hope we dont commit any sins. But you can go to a what we call a Jihadhees ground like Pakistan for 5000 ruffiya where you are guaranteed heaven and let's not forget the 70 virgins.
Me: That's quite disturbing to say the least. So you believe in marrying under age girls?
Shampire: It is not what I believe my son. It is what's right. We marry them and we teach them the carnal pleasures of sex. Who is better to teach them than someone who has known it all and done it all and...
Me: ...and old enough to be their grandpa...
Shampire: SILENCE! Don't you dare cut me off. I'll put a Jihad on you.
Me: Oh dear... you think my scrawny ass will get you 70 virgins?
Shampire: I feel sorry for you. You are a lost soul and I will do my best to bring you into the light.
Me: No no.. no light. I hate the light. I want to be in the dark!!
Shampire: Think about it my son. You'll get eternal pleasures in heaven and you'll get immortality. Plus do what I say and I'll put in a good word for you with the Mulla and get you a high position.
Me: There is only one way I will do it.
Shampire: (with tears gleaming in his eyes) Glory be to God! What is it my lost son?
Me: You have a young daughter who is about 14 years old?
Shampire: Yes yes I do. She is the apple of my eye. My tenth wife gave birth to her when she was 14 years old herself.
Me: I wanna marry her and show her all the carnal pleasures that you talked about. That'll be my first step to eternal salvation.
Shampire: I KILL YOU!!!

At this point he twisted and turned his walking stick which became an AK47 and I ran for dear life as the bullets flew over my head. Until next time. Adios...