GAY

The Real Obstacles to Attracting Love Are Not Outside of You

2012-04-23T11:39:00.002-07:00

You're looking and looking and looking for that special one to love. Searching far and wide for that one special and amazing woman to call your own and who wants you to be hers alone.

That's actually energy that you are putting out into the world. Can you see and feel all that energy pushing outward into the world and into that big open space out there? Can you feel yourself and those days when you're just over it. Frustrated and feeling a bit desperate to find that special gay girl. Are you wondering if you'll ever find her?

Would you consider changing things up and instead of looking for love, think about starting to attract love. Start being a magnet for love. You've heard about the law of attraction right? You've heard about The Secret right? Maybe you've seen the movie too but there's more to this Law than the movie tells us.

As a gay women, you may be feeling stymied in your quest for love partly because you cannot envision yourself being in a loving relationship with someone else. Until you are able to see yourself living the life that you truly want it's going to be difficult for you to create it.

You see pictures in your head all the time. You are running a movie about your life, your dreams, relationships past and present and every little thing all the time. You have stories you are telling yourself about what you don't want, what you hate, what drives you crazy all day too. The Law of Attraction says that what you focus on is what you will get. So what are you getting? What is showing up?

Once upon a time I had a story I was stuck in. It was a story about how another woman had "done me wrong." She'd made promises and in the story in my head, she'd broken every one of them. She'd abandoned me during a very difficult time in my life. In my story, I was a victim, she had infinite power and used it to crush my tender heart.

How do you like it so far? Yeah, pathetic!! I was so trapped in that story that I couldn't get out of my own way to see a better life for myself. It took a wake up call from someone I really respect and then a commitment to myself and some hard work to rewrite that story and give it a new meaning so that I was no longer a victim.

When I could stop being the victim and start to see the good in what happened - I was forced to take ownership of my life at a much deeper level - my life turned around. Nothing on the outside changed very much at the beginning but what was inside of me changed dramatically. And then the outside world started to shift too.

Realize that what you focus on becomes what you attract. Focus on not having enough and that's what you'll have. Focus on how cheap or tricky or deceitful women are and that's what you will attract into your life. Focus on the goodness of life and on being happy in each moment and guess what you'll attract - more goodness and more happiness. Focus on the goodness in other people and in the lesbian community and you will attract it.

Really, I've learned this the hard way. I've learned it by focusing on the negative so much that I wasn't sure I had a reason to keep living at one point. Then one day I had the realization that I wouldn't let myself be happy. I was committed to being sad and miserable. I had 1000 ways to be mad and miserable and only 4 or 5 ways to be happy. I was committed to my depressing awful story because it made me feel significant and it gave me a level of certainty I wanted and needed.

The level of betrayal that happened in my old relationship stunned not only me but anyone who I told. There was a certain significance that came to me because of that story. I could feel special in a crazy sort of way. People were in awe of what I went through for that relationship and I somehow wanted the significance and uniqueness that story gave me. Yeah, sick puppy. I'm over that now!!

Every time I told that miserable woe-is-me story I reinforced my own need for certainty that what happened to me was worse that anything someone else had to go through. (That was my own lie, but a story I hung on to for a while.)

Then one day I woke up from that nightmare and I made some adjustments on what I really needed and wanted from life. All of a sudden holding on to the victim story lost its glory for me. When I decided that what I really wanted was love and connection and not significance the axis my world turns on shifted for the better.

You can do this too. You can make decisions that shift the direction and trajectory of your life and set you on a path to find someone who is truly special and right for you.

Envision the relationship you want to be in.

Imagine that you live in the most beautiful place on earth. Perhaps it is near the beach or in the mountains or on an island. It's different for everyone. Then imagine you have your dream home there and no money worries. Imagine. Yes you can.

Now imagine you've met the perfect gay girl for you. She is your perfect match.You adore everything about her and she feels that way about you.

Now imagine writing the story of your life as if it were a fairy tale that ends with all of your wishes fulfilled. The perfect lesbian, the perfect place, the perfect day. What does it look like, feel like, sound like, taste and even smell like? What did you do that you are most proud of and how did you show love to each other?

Imagine your ideal life and your ideal partner or girlfriend. Enjoy it. Smile. Feel it. Let yourself feel the whole day and the things that happened. Write it all down in detail. As much detail as you can stand! Give yourself a minimum of 10 minutes working on writing it out but you might want to take an hour. Make it special and wonderful.

Then when you've spent a good 10 - 20 minutes writing and seeing this great movie, take a couple of deep slow breathes and then let the vision go. Just gradually and gently let all the images float away in to the goodness of Spirit, or God or Universe or whatever your truth is about Spirit. Trust that it will come back to you because it will.

This exercise should be repeated over the next 5 - 10 days. Sit for a few minutes and replay it in your head then let it go. Express your thankfulness and gratefulness for being able to imagine such a wonderful life and give thanks that its coming your way.

So get to it. Do your homework. It's time for you to start attracting love!

Gay Girl Dating Coach Blog and Website is The Number One Resource for Lesbians Who Want to Find and Keep The Love of Their Life!

Articles focused on lesbian dating tips, traps, dos and don'ts for women 40, 50 and over. Also monthly free teleseminars just for lesbians who want to step up and master their dating game and psychology.

Gay Girls CAN Date and Gay Girl Dating Coach is here to help you win at the dating game.

Learn more about these resources at http://www.gaygirldatingcoach.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Gorham_Malia

Attracting Ms Perfect

2012-04-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

Lesbians, like everyone else, would like to find the perfect match. Why does this often seem like mission impossible? Why is finding Ms. Perfect such a difficult ordeal? And, why do many lesbians repeatedly attract the "wrong" people into their lives?

Perhaps before heading out on the dating route again, first do an inspection; check your engine, maps, and all vital info! Are you destined to have another hellacious journey? The information I am going to suggest may throw a grenade into your game plan... You may need to deactivate whatever funky mojo magnetism you are radiating!

Are you ready for this? This may be shocking news. The first thing you must do is Stop Masquerading, Stop Being Something You Are Not. Be Authentic, i.e. Be Who You Truly Are. That's it. Sounds too simple?

With that said, as in almost any pursuit in life, it is helpful to know what you want so that you can determine an effective strategic plan, i.e. Who do you want to attract into your life? Even though it is imperative for you to be authentic, you may still need to do some self-improvement and tweaking.

Do an inventory of qualities and characteristics you most admire in people. If you are wanting to attract someone who is sophisticated, a smart dresser, educated, physically toned and fit, and smells fabulous, are you doing what it takes to attract this person? Are you a good match for your Ms. Perfect?

To get your thoughts rolling on identifying the attributes and characteristics you admire and desire, here are some possible qualities to consider: sense of humor, dependable, generous, honesty, compassionate, mature, forgiving, a good listener, patient, loving, kind, respectful, trustworthy, intelligent, open-minded, fun, not too opinionated, well-mannered, sharp appearance, gracious and appreciative, educated, professional, articulate, healthy and fit, etc.

Now...Ask yourself, do you possess and mirror the qualities and characteristics you value and admire in others? If not, WHY do you think you will be a magnet for someone who possesses these awesome attributes? Haven't you heard of the Law of Attraction?

Before you have another nightmarish encounter, do a self-assessment. A gap analysis may be just the ticket. Get a sheet of paper and list all those attributes and qualities you desire and admire. Be honest. Is there a gap between who you are and what you are looking for in Ms. Perfect? Describe how the reality of your life differs from your ideal existence regarding these qualities.

Begin focusing on the qualities worth incorporating in your life. Develop specific goals directed towards closing the gap. Design an action plan per goal. Make the action steps attainable and realistic. Have a coach or friend hold you accountable to your commitments. Achieve results!

The point is, be the same caliber of person you want to attract. Respect yourself enough to work at being that person. Don't you think it is awe-inspiring to know that you are destined to be someone's Ms. Perfect. Take action NOW!

Gayl Newton is a Living OUT Mentor who works with gays and lesbians to help them embrace who they are and live with confidence. For more articles and coaching information go to http://www.confidentlyout.com.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Gayl_M_Newton

Living Every Moment In Fear - The Beginning

2012-04-23T11:26:00.000-07:00

Today is the 25th anniversary of an event that few other people have experienced; and that is to the good, because every day of my life during the past 25 years has been filled with fear. Putting these feelings into words and the words on paper feels necessary; but the decision to submit for publication is extremely difficult and frightening. Will "they" be shocked? Will "they" publish? Do I really want them to? What will happen if they do? Will I lose readers and followers as I lost so many friends and the respect of family members so many years ago?

That day started as so many other lovely Indiana spring days. I took my children to their piano lessons and used the wait time to deliver some papers to one of my Little League officers. I was the Little League president, but I didn't really need to deliver those papers...I just wanted to. I didn't yet realize why it was so important to me.

After ringing the doorbell, an unknown woman answered the door. I suddenly felt violently ill. The woman I had actually expected to see eventually came to the door, invited me inside, and made introductions I never heard. My ears were ringing. My heart was pounding. Nausea was overwhelming me. What was I feeling and why?

As I started the drive back to my children, I played the previous scene over and over in my head. What had just happened? Why was I reacting so severely? When the answer finally took form, I pulled my car to the side of the road. Then I cried, and cried, and cried. What I was experiencing was jealousy, but jealousy of what? What did it mean?

Over the previous few weeks, I had spent a great deal of time with the woman I had gone to see because of Little League score-keeping for ball games. I had already known she was getting divorced and that the divorce had something to do with her interest in another woman. I had been surprised by her earlier revelation, but not repulsed. In fact, I started looking forward to the games we worked together. I started making excuses to see her.

The recognition of the feeling I was experiencing as jealousy was too much to accept. How could I possibly be jealous of the affections of a woman? As a woman myself, I couldn't be jealous of another woman unless...unless I...unless I was "one of those" people.

When I was young, my mother had often pointed out "those" people (always men) and told me they would go to HELL! My little brother was not allowed in a public restroom because there might be one of "those" people waiting in there to... I was never quite sure what they would do, but I definitely got the message that "those" people did bad things and would be severely punished for eternity in HELL!

How could I be one of "those" people? I was 37 years old. I had a husband. I had two children about to become teenagers. I went to church every Sunday. My grandfather was a minister. This just could not be happening!

For the next few weeks, I existed in a daze. I really wasn't fully aware of what was happening around me. I cried often, lost weight rapidly, and I reflected on my past. Yes, I had been the typical tomboy. I had always hated frilly dresses and I loved climbing trees. I hated playing with dolls but loved playing basketball with the boys during recess. In junior high school, I paid little attention to either the boys or the girls, but I did have a whopping crush on my P. E. teacher. Back then, I hadn't realized it was crush (and now it seems so very stereotypical) but it was crush. In high school I had a "boyfriend" who was older, and in the military (Vietnam era); and, thus, I was SAFE in the sense that I didn't have to go on dates. I hated going on dates.

During college, I dated a male friend from high school; but he didn't attend my university, so again, the amount of dating was limited. I became very close friends with a freshman who lived on my floor in the dorm where I was a Student Staff. Her name was Barbara. She intrigued me because she was so different from the average "girlie" girl, and we spent a great deal of time together. We often talked for hours.

Before my junior year in college, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. I didn't really want to get married, but it was what good girls were supposed to do. My family liked him and his family liked me. So I said, "Yes." Before my senior year, we got married. I cried through my entire wedding. Now I understand what those tears were about.

As time passed, I continued to do what I was supposed to do. I finished my BS in Mathematics, started a teaching career, got an MA in Psychology, and started a family--boy and a girl. Life seemed perfect. When my daughter was about four years old the thought went through my head that "someday her father is going to be very upset." I didn't have the correct words to apply, but I was recognizing in her what I didn't recognize in myself.

As I looked at my past, I realized that I had always been "fascinated" by female couples that I saw at the mall, that there was a girl from high school that I thought about periodically, and that I occasionally had fleeting sexual thoughts about certain women that I always quickly "shut down." ("I wonder what it would feel like to...?" or "I wish I were a man so I could...") At the time, I truly believed all women had those thoughts.

Even with all that reflection, I still could not accept myself as a...dare I say it? As a Lesbian? I needed to talk to someone who might understand my confusion. All of my friends and family members were very religious people. Indeed, every person in town fit that description. There would be no understanding from anyone there. The person who finally came to mind was Barbara. She had moved to Colorado immediately after she graduated, but because she visited her parents in Indiana and generally visited us at the same time, we had stayed close. During our college days I had always believed she was a lesbian, but we had never discussed it. I knew for sure that she had a gay brother, so I felt she would listen without telling me that I was going to HELL! I called her and asked if I could visit-saying that I needed to talk.

Barbara believed that I was coming to tell her that I was getting divorced. When I finally worked up the strength to tell her why I was really there, she stood up and left the room. I didn't understand. When she finally returned, she explained that exactly the same thing was happening with her in Colorado. She had left to room to ponder why I had entered her life at that specific time and to consider telling me about her own struggles. We had both found ourselves attracted to unavailable women and wondering what to do about it. As we talked, it became clear that the lesbian label was undeniable. A new life, along with its set of fears, started for both of us.

We started looking for helpful information in lesbian bookstores. I hadn't known such a thing even existed. We discussed ramifications. As teachers, we were painfully aware that if anyone found out, we would lose our jobs. I had the added complications of a husband and children. Could I continue to be married and just pretend to be heterosexual? If I decided I couldn't, would my children be taken from me? At that time, lesbians were considered unfit to raise children.

I returned to Indiana with very few answers. My husband took care of first question a few days after I got home. One night, after we had gone to bed, he turned to me and said, "Are you a lesbian?" I was momentarily shocked into silence. Finally I managed a shaky "Why would you ask that?" "I found this book," he answered as he pulled out my recently purchased "Our Right To Love." I thought I had so carefully hidden this book in a cabinet he never opened. I remember looking to the sky and thinking, "Thanks for your help!"

I had never lied to my husband. He was my best friend. So, I told him the truth. "That depends on your definition. If you are asking if I have had sex with a woman, the answer is no. If you are asking if I now identify myself as a lesbian-a woman who prefers the companionship of a woman-then the answer is yes." To his credit, my husband was wonderful. We talked long into the night. He understood this wasn't something he could fight. We discussed options and ramifications. I told him I felt I needed to move to Colorado Springs both to be near Barb and to get away from Indiana. He initially decided to move with us and he helped us move and get established in Colorado. In the end, he decided he couldn't stay in Colorado; but I will forever be grateful for his help and support. I still wish we could have stayed best friends as he had promised.

Life in Colorado has been more difficult and frightening than I had ever imagined it could be. A bitter divorce, constant financial worries, raising 2 children without their father, building a new relationship with a woman, dealing with my partner's issues surrounding childhood abuse, teaching in the environment of fear of discovery created by Focus On The Family and Amendment 2, raising a lesbian daughter, raising a teenage son in a house full of women, learning to accept myself as a lesbian, learning how to be a lesbian, having no friends, and constantly fearing for the safety of all of us were just a few of the issues we faced; and all of this will be the material of another article.

Initially, the decision to write and submit this article seemed very difficult; but when I think of the young people who get bullied at school, who question who they are, who get kicked out of their own homes, who feel there is no hope, and who think suicide is their only option, the correct decision is obvious. I will always feel so very sad for my students who obviously--to me--needed help but didn't get any from me due to my own fears. I still feel ashamed of myself for not being stronger then. I now understand that we must all FIGHT THE FEAR. We must do so for those who will follow us. Hopefully, someday, no one will need to live in fear for who they are!

Am I afraid to hit the SUBMIT button? Absolutely! Barbara has watched me cry as I have been writing and mentally re-living it all. She just asked if I want to reconsider. Absolutely NOT! But when I ask myself why I haven't written this sooner, the answer is that I have been afraid. Why can I write it now? I simply must. One of the magazines I write for chose FEAR as the topic of the month...and, sadly, I have become an expert on fear!

NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO LIVE EVERY MOMENT IN FEAR FOR WHO THEY ARE!

Shirley Slick, "The Slick Tips Lady," generally writes about mathematics education and animal welfare/rescues. Her education website is at http://myslicktips.com/. Her animal welfare website is at http://slicktipsaboutdogrescues.com/. She is just beginning to write about gay/lesbian issues because our gay young people need to know that it will get better. They are not alone. Contact information can be found at either website.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Shirley_Slick

The "Pornography" of Marriage and the Other Side of the Closet

2012-04-23T11:21:00.004-07:00

There is a lot of noise around the issue of gay marriages and when I read a number of prominent comments by religious leaders I felt that their description and understanding of gay relationships do not deserve comments such as: "gay relationships are wrong because are not creative" or gay relationships are just "profound friendships."

When I reflect on such statements, and associate my observations and actual experiences in my clinical practise, such definitions really fail to capture the true essence of human nature.

Research indicates that more than two million homosexual or bisexual people are or have been married to heterosexual partners. However approximately 85% of these couples end in divorce, while the remaining 15 % continue their marriage but most often with some other agreed "arrangement". While some spouses are left by their partners after they come out it is usually straight wives, not straight husbands, who end their marriage. Many gay or bisexual husbands don't want to leave because they still 'love' their wives, fear rejection from their children (if any) or wants the marriage to 'cover' them from the communities moral judgement. Rarely does a gay husband choose not to act out his gay interests on defence to his wife's needs. An exceptional book by Schaar Gochros called 'When Husbands Come Out of the Closet', provides ways for couples to understand and support each other.

A factual understanding of sexual orientation is an important task in therapy for restoring facts from myths and help spouses to let go of their secret and loneliness so that they can their relieve anxiety and accumulate a perspective of their own sexuality. As straight spouses try to sort out angry, hurt and anxious feelings, it becomes also imperative to understand the meaning of bisexuality and homosexuality on a practical level. Many wonder if their partner's sexuality is permanently lost and mourn about a loss of a 'faulty' damaged sexuality, others they blame their lack of judgement and their bad choice. Preoccupied with their own anxiety, confusion and pain many partners are not able to understand the other side of the closet, which, is subsequently the same pain their partners had experienced in their marriage.

Working out a viable alternative to the conventional marriage is a painful process. Rewriting marital rules entails solitude and freezing up emotion, a process for getting in touch with buried feelings and gain the perspective needed to move forward. The partner's sexuality in the totality of its physical, emotional and spiritual aspects is no longer exclusive to the marriage. Gradually many wives feel jealousy or resentful towards this double life while others are 'stuck' because of their fear of the unknown or guilt of failing. Before stress becomes self-destructive, it is important for the spouse to seek a therapist's help. Once the secrecy issues are resolved the therapist role is to help the spouses rebuild their moral codes on integrity and help them to regain the moral strength to be true to themselves. Reconstructing a moral value is a challenging engagement with a person's deeply rooted values but also some spouses fear that shaping a new moral code will endanger their friends support. Spouses need to have the necessary openness and courage to explore the idea that homosexuality is a natural sexual variation, a position that contradicts Judeo-Christian and other religious convictions. A knowledgeable therapist can guide the spouse in resolving conflicting feelings and arranging priorities and responsibilities. The acceptance of negative feelings is part of a healthy process and appropriate reaction to the situation and joint counselling can help to clarify issues and create awareness of relationship responsibilities. Many spouses may be overwhelmed with anger and hurt at the destruction of their monogamous relationships. At the same time, unravelling the differences between the partner's sexual orientation and the spouse's heterosexuality becomes painfully clear. The threat of HIV also poses more anxiety and anger. If the spouses have children then another complicated challenge is emerging on how to handle their children so that gay-related stress becomes grist for growth rather than trauma. Depending on the communities attitudes the children will experience analogous discomfort and anxiety. Children are also affected by how their parents, siblings and family members or close friends handle their parent's coming out- all within the context of attitudes of neighbourhood, school and community. Children's reactions to their parents' disclosure are often noted as a constant flux, shifting from shock, anger and distrust to relief and empathy. In more tolerable societies, as reported by documentaries such as "Not All Parents Are Straight", children of gay and lesbians parents do not perceive it as a negative factor in their lives. However that depends on a number of variables. More importantly is how the parent's coming out conflict is resolved without the straight parent engaging their own children against the gay parent. The straight parent's perception towards the gay parent is pivotal in the way children can come to terms with their parents' sexuality and separation. It is also documented a prevailing strong attitude by straight spouses on excluding their homosexual partner's from their children's lives on the grounds of immoral behaviour.

Helping children cope with homophobia is another complicated issue especially when their classmates teasing becomes bullying, thus, adding to the children's emotional turmoil. When contemplating 'going public' parents need to consider the level of intolerance on the community and more importantly the level of risk that their children could be placed e.g., taunted from their school peers. The social stigma attached to homosexuality is now attached to the child as well as to their parent. The risk of the children to withdraw from others can impact their developmental relationships and intimacy with others. Isolation cuts teenagers off from peer support just at the time when friends are so important for identity and independence.

The meaning of family to any child is of paramount importance. Parents are the single most powerful, nonbiological influence on their children's lives. For children who become pawns in their parents' divorce raises their fears of abandonment, insecurity, distrust and conflicting loyalties. The outcome of a relationship constructed on moral judgement and the 'hope that no one will find out' can inflict so much pain to self and significant others. Divorce removes the stable home which is the cornerstone of a child's safety net and the embryonic stage for self-esteem and independence. As a result and as reported in Adult Children of Divorce Speak out, a child's self concept, trust, confidence and ability to relate to others is traumatized. The parent's gayness often becomes the scapegoat for the chaos resulting in divorce. Stereotypical thinking on the part of therapists can result against the parents and children's well being. It is also documented that in most cases gay fathers struggle to keep contact with their children because of negative attitudes toward their orientation. As the pathways of life changes for both parents the new partners of either parent add another threat to the child-parent relationship.

The therapists when encountering the 'pornography of marriage' have to work on spouses issues such as, letting go of the past, learning to forgive, coming to terms with loss, reformulating a new meaning in life, changing a belief system, creating hope and optimism and taking steps to connect with the true self.

To formulate public policy we need to understand society's needs for stability and well being by allowing and accepting alternative marriage and family arrangements. The diversity of sexual orientation is part of the Darwinian natural order and the need for leaders and legislators to understand the full range of the aforementioned issues can end ignorance, prejudice and family suffering. Authenticity, honesty and responsibility can become the cornerstones of social relations and can help communities to transform and move beyond a closet mentality into an inclusive society.

Joseph Poullis

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Joseph_Poullis

Winning Tips for Lesbian Dating

2012-04-23T11:06:00.002-07:00

Once again, you have asked a lady out for a first date. You are very familiar with this scenario. In fact, you feel like you are the expert on Lesbian First Dates. In other words, you are an expert at having "awful" first dates.

If you are ready to relinquish the title, "First Date Expert", consider these winning dating tips:

Relax - Pre-date jitters are normal. Prior to your date, do not drink to relax. Instead, do some relaxation exercises such as deep breathing. You want to be sharp and alert, not sloppy and obnoxious.

Dress Confidently & Appropriately - Wear clothes that you feel good in. Be sure to wear comfortable shoes. You do not want to be miserable or fidgety about what you are wearing. Complaining how uncomfortable you are is not a good conversational topic.

Venue & Activity - Your first date should be at a venue that is conducive for talking to each other. Do not go to one of your "regular hangouts" where you will see a bunch of your buddies. If you go to a movie, be sure to include dinner or drinks so you can visit, too. Remember the idea is to get to know each other. Do not orchestrate the evening so that it is filled with distractions and intrusive friends.

Conversation Topics - It's always a good idea to have several topics that you can easily talk about. Current events, trivia, popular music and movies, etc. Keep the conversation fun and not too heavy. Do not monopolize the conversation. Ask her questions, too!

Body Language - Smile when you greet your date. This shows her that you're happy to see her; and, you'll look friendly and fun. Sit-up straight and lean forward to show you are interested. Refrain from slouching and yawning. Plus, un-cross your arms; crossing them can make you seem bored or unapproachable.

Focus - Eye contact is most important. Look at her when she is talking. Put the cell phone away. Do not be checking for messages or changing your status on Facebook! And, do not be gawking at other women or looking over her shoulder! Pay attention to your date!

Genuine - Be honest and sincere. Do not try to be overly impressive. Being too arrogant will probably earn you a spot on the Reject List. She'll be more impressed by your modesty.

Good Listener - Really listen to what she is saying. Do not be waiting for her to stop talking so you can throw in your two cents. Do not hijack the conversation. Show interest.

Etiquette - Manners are always a must. Be courteous, punctual and polite. Here's a quick refresher on table manners: Keep your elbows off the table, napkin in your lap, do not talk with your mouth full and do not speed eat! She is watching you!

Follow-Up - You had fun, you flirted, you enjoyed each other's company and you'd absolutely like to see each other again. Don't keep that a secret. Offer a hug or a kiss. Let her know that you had a great time and you'd like to do it again. Do not play the waiting game, i.e. waiting three days until you call her. It is okay to text her that night. Before you go to bed tell her that you had a great time and you will call her in a day or two.

First dates are all about getting to know the person. Impress your date by being genuine, considerate, interested, and attentive. Remember, even though it may not turn into a long-term relationship, you may have found a good, long-term friend.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Gayl_M_Newton

So Why Is It That We Have To Come Out of the Closet?

2012-04-23T10:53:00.002-07:00

I find it rather strange that gay men & women somehow have to go through this process of accepting themselves with respect to their own sexuality, but in order to lead as close to a normal life, they must COME OUT to family and friends. Lord knows if you don't come out, then your spend your life constantly being guarded about everything you say, suppressing your feelings, how you act, and who you spend your time with. Living in the closet is a miserable place to be since it suffocates your soul and the spirit of who you are. Living in a closet robs you of life!

So how come heterosexuals don't have to "come out?" Does someone who is left-handed need to "come out." Although it was once believed that the "devil was in you" if you were left-handed. When an woman is expecting a child, the happy expectant couple wonders whether it will a boy or a girl, who he/she will look like, and even whether the child will be right or left handed. Now you cannot tell whether a baby will be right or left handed at birth, nor can you tell what the sexual orientation of the child will be at birth. These are issues that become apparent with age. OK, so you are asking, what's your point? My point is, why is it that parents, and society as a whole, makes this outrageous assumption that this newborn baby will be heterosexual.

Did we assume the child would be right-handed, even if we know that only about 1 in 10 individuals will be left-handed. So although the odds are stacked that the child will be right-handed, we don't simply make that assumption. Yet, we seem to make this crazy assumption that the child will be straight! Isn't that kind of foolish when you come right down to it. In other words, if children are raised with the concept that we are a diverse species, that some of us are boys or girls, right-handed or left-handed, brown eyes or blue eyes, gay or straight. We need to STOP making this assumption that all children will grow up to be straight. Cause let me tell you folks, they ain't all going to be straight. Children need to be exposed to couples of different orientations, thus they will internalize that being gay or straight is nothing more than another version of what it is to be human.

Yes, I also know that the world is full of homophobic idiots who somehow believe that if we expose our children to differences in sexual orientation, that they might "choose" to be gay. OK...so all you heterosexuals out there, can you just now make the switch, and choose to be gay? Go ahead, I dare you to try. Just force yourself to be attracted to the same sex now. What's a matter, you say you can't do that. Well why not, if gay people "choose to be that way," why can't you make the opposite choice?

Children are one of our most precious gifts to have, and yet children that are gay are brought up in a world whereby they are made to feel "different." If we as a society raise our children to just see that being gay or straight is no different than being right or left handed, then none of our children will ever feel that they have to "come out." Rather, they will understand that sexual orientation is nothing more than another variety of being human.

Readers of this article are welcome to stop by my blog at http://aboutgaymen.com. I really would like to hear about your thoughts, comments, and feelings about the gay community.

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4 Steps to Creating Your Ultimate, Fulfilling Relationship!

2012-04-23T10:48:00.002-07:00

Regardless if you are in a relationship or not, it's important to know what you want in a woman. Do you want a woman who is intelligent, shy, adventurous, or courageous? Do you want a woman who loves children, is a neat freak, or a huge nerd? What values are important to you - honesty, integrity, warmth, loyalty, sensuality, or success? Figuring out what is your heart's desire, what you need to feel fulfilled, allows you create the relationship of your dreams.

When I coach my clients, in the first session together we create an "Ultimate Relationship Vision." Together, my client and I identify the qualities they want in their ideal relationship. We create a detailed outline of the values they want to live by, the adventures they want to have, and the physical and emotional attributes of their ideal mate. We do this exercise if they are single or if they are coupled (if you both know what you want, you can grow together to create it!). Once we have the vision, we create a plan of action, steps they can take toward creating their ultimate, fulfilling relationship.

One of the first steps towards creating their ultimate relationship is figuring out who they have to be to get what they want. We are all growing and changing all of the time, so this is a matter of directing that growth and change towards reaching relationship goals. I always tell them, "If you want more, be more!" If you want a sexy, intelligent woman, be the kind of person who would attract her. Think of it as a mix of Law of Attraction and common sense. To make it easy, I've outlined the 4 simply steps you can take to create your ultimate, fulfilling relationship using the "Ultimate Relationship Vision."

Step 1

Find a quiet place where you can do this exercise without interruption. To create a plan that will take you toward your ideal relationship, you need to first write down what values, attributes, and activities are part of your current relationship. Write down a detailed description of your relationship. Include how you treat each other, the values you live by, what you like about your relationship, and what makes you upset.

Step 2

Close your eyes and imagine what your ideal relationship would be like. What type of person would you be with? What are their values? What do you like to do together? How do you treat each other? Once you have a clear picture in your mind, write down everything, be as detailed as possible. Record your mates physical, mental and emotional attributes, as well as relationship details like activities you do together.

Step 3

Now that you have an idea of what your ideal relationship would be, who do you have to be to have this relationship? What do your values need to be? How do you need to treat your mate? What activities do you need to participate in? How do you need to act? Write down exactly the person you need to be to have this "ultimate relationship."

Step 4

Create a plan. Start by writing a "want ad" for your ideal mate. This will fix the vision in your mind. Once you have the "want ad," read it at least once a day (don't worry if this is different from the person you are with, you may be surprised by them. Once you start growing, they may too!). Next, commit to taking steps towards becoming the person you have to be to have your ideal relationship. If the person you have to be is physically fit then start working out at the gym. If the person you have to be is honest and loyal, start practicing by being honest and loyal!

The "Ultimate Relationship Vision" is a powerful exercise that has the potential to create magic in your life. If you follow through and do all 4 steps, you will have a powerful vision and plan for your ideal relationship. With this plan, you can start creating it by doing a little more each day to get you closer to your goal - an ultimate, fulfilling relationship!

Christine Dunn is the "Lesbian Love Guru." She is a relationship coach specialized in helping lesbians create fulfilling relationships. With cutting edge tools and strategies, she teaches them how to communicate more effective, work through problems and re-ignite the love and passion in their relationships. You can visit Christine's website at http://TheLesbianLoveCoach.com for free articles, videos, and to sign up for a complimentary 30 minute coaching session!

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Rules of Engagement or a Kinder, Gentler Way to Fight

2012-04-23T10:45:00.003-07:00

Conflict is a normal part of relationships and lesbian relationships are no exception. Since you can't avoid conflict in your relationship, I've provided five tips on how to do it in a healthy, positive way that leaves both of you feeling great.

1. Don't Threaten to Leave

Don't threaten to leave the relationship just to get your way. Threatening to leave the relationship creates instability, insecurity and resentment. You can't have a healthy relationship if you use threats to get your point across.

2. Respect

Respect your significant others views, needs and emotional response. Conflict is a normal part of every relationship and can be a healthy way to resolve problems. Listen to her concerns calmly, tell her your concerns without attacking her, and look for solutions. Respect each other and it will be easier to find middle ground.

3. Set Rules

Create a couple of rules for conflict in your relationship. For example, my wife and I never threaten to leave and we never swear at each other. Sit down with each other and set some basic ground rules (make sure each person gets a chance to set a rule). Once you have your rules, stick to them!

4. Know Your Emotional Limit

We all have a point emotionally when we become irrational. Know where that point is for you and avoid conflict once you reach each it. Let your significant other know that you need some time to cool down. Go into another room or for a walk. Do something to release the emotional tension like listen to music, go jogging or scream into a pillow. When you are centered again, try to talk about the issue calmly.

5. Work to Resolve Issues

Don't just fight for the sake of fighting. Use conflict to make your relationship better. Work on figuring out what the problem is and how to solve it. Sometimes the issues you fight about are symptoms of the problem. If you fight about the same thing over and over again, look deeper into what the fight may really be about. Try discussing your concerns when you are both calm and collected, instead of when you are hurt and angry.

Conflict is a natural part of your relationship but using conflict as a platform to hurt each other will end up destroying an otherwise great relationship. Incorporate these five strategies into your relationship now and enjoy a happier, healthier relationship in the future!

Ready to start creating your ultimate, fulfilling relationship? Visit Today! http://LesbianLoveGuru.com/ezine for a FREE download of:

Create Your "Ultimate Relationship" - A Step-by-Step Guide

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1 Rule for Making Your Relationship Rock Solid

2012-04-23T10:37:00.001-07:00

All relationships take work and it can seem overwhelming at times. One rule can help keep your relationship rock solid:

Always put your relationship 1st

Sounds simple right? Even though it seems like common sense it can be challenging but when you put your relationship first, many other issues solve themselves. Some major problems are simply symptoms of other issues and will disappear once the underlying issues are dealt with (in this case, shifting attention back to the relationship).

Insecurity, guilt, and jealousy are symptoms of a relationship that is not being treated as priority #1 by one or both partners. When you spend more time and energy on other aspects of your life, it takes a toll on both your relationship and your significant other. If you're spending all your time at work and your significant other feels neglected they may become jealous and controlling. Simply shifting your focus back to the relationship may dissolve the feelings of jealousy and put things back into balance.

Often passion, intimacy and sex problems stem from the same issue - not putting your relationship first. Women have trouble connecting and wanting to be intimate when they feel insecure, jealous, neglected, or insignificant. These emotions are closely tied to trust and trust is an important component of intimacy. Prioritizing your relationship and putting your significant others needs first will create trust, dissolve negative feelings and release the emotional blocks surrounding passion and intimacy.

So, now you know that your relationship should be #1 in your life but how do you make it #1? Here are 3 simple ways to put your relationship first:

1) Respect Her

Don't break promises, cancel dates, or show up late. Respecting her and the promises you make to her will make her feel like she is number 1. You'll gain her trust and she'll respect you more, too!

2) Be Thoughtful

Show your significant other that you are thinking about her when you are away from her and that you want to make her life better. Be romantic, bring her flowers, call her often when you are away and leave special notes hidden around the house. Other ideas include making her a special dinner out of the blue (all of her favorite dishes), doing her chores when she has a busy week at work, running errands that she doesn't have time to do, and offering emotional support when you notice she needs it.

3) Give Attention and Presence

Often simply giving your full attention and emotional presence to her will make you both feel more connected to each other. When your significant other needs you attention, emotional support, and mental presence, give it to her. Forget about everything else that is going on in your life and focus on her. Empathize with her, reflect back her emotions and give her a safe place to express herself.

Are you ready to make your relationship rock solid? Work on and develop these 3 easy approaches into daily practices in your relationship until they become a habit. You'll notice that some problems will seemingly disappear overnight while others will be easy to work out. Your relationship will flourish and you both will feel greater connection and fulfillment.

Ready to start creating your ultimate, fulfilling relationship? Visit Today! http://LesbianLoveGuru.com/ezine for a FREE download of:

Create Your "Ultimate Relationship" - A Step-by-Step Guide

Visit today for your free download! http://LesbianLoveGuru.com/ezine

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Gay Men in Search of a Partner: Avoiding the Pitfalls of Cash, Connections, and C-K

2012-04-23T10:30:00.001-07:00

In my private practice in counseling and coaching gay men in West Hollywood, my clients who are single often mention a desire to find a permanent partner. This is only natural; most people (male/female/gay/straight) have an urge to find a partner/spouse to share life with, but this is by no means everyone - it's also OK to be single. But for those who want a partner, the process can be frustrating. I hear complaints of "where are the good men" and "it seems the best guys are taken." This is not necessarily true. Since I work with gay male couples as well, for over 20 years now, I have come to a few conclusions based on my couples work on what makes a happy relationship - and what doesn't. This comes from many years of observation of common problems and challenges in a couple, and what common elements strengthen the relationship and help it endure over time.

To that end, I wanted to share a few observations on what a client mentioned to me as "The Three C's". Now, I use another version of "The Three C's" in my work with couples - I call them Commitment, Communication and Compromise. I find that most problems in relationships are related to one of these. But my client was referring to gay men's dating with a different set of "Three C's". He called them the gay men's dating pitfalls of emphasizing "Cash, Connections, or C-k" (I'll abbreviate that last one for a certain "professional decorum", but you know what word I mean - think of another word for rooster).

Let's take each of those Three C's at a time. The first one - Cash - means that in dating, it is generally a mistake to put your number-one priority on how much money a guy earns. Sure, even your buddies might joke that they want to find a "rich boyfriend," and we see lots of examples of this. However, when we think about what sustains a relationship over time, like sharing common interests, spending free time together, and intimacy, how much money the guy has is often irrelevant. While it's true that a relationship with someone who is chronically unemployed by way of bad habits, or isn't mature enough to support himself, would be undesirable, it's not necessary that he be a wealthy man to have a happy relationship. When it comes to cash, make your own by developing your own career. Cultivate your education, skills, networking, and a body of work that speaks for itself. Build your own resume. Create a career that satisfies your ideal vision of your Professional Self (something I help many individual clients do in career coaching sessions). Have your own personal cash flow and your choice of partner be independent, separate variables. This will be very self-empowering for you to be able to choose any partner you want, regardless of having to rely on them for your support (which is dangerous for you if the relationship should ever end, leaving you without your own salary history and professional skill set in the aftermath).

The next "C" is about Connections. Too many gay men choose partners not because of their emotional and sexual attraction, but because of their "connections" to influential people and opportunities - and in Los Angeles, this often means to the entertainment industry, for young Hollywood Hopefuls, but it can also be in other fields. While I encourage my clients to identify and cultivate relationships with people who can be mentors in your chosen profession, including seeking out "informational interviews" with professionals whom you admire, I believe that your career connections and your choice of a domestic partner for a relationship should also be two independent variables. Imagine how you would feel if a person was only paying attention to you - especially romantically - for the job you had, or the status/position you held, or the people you knew who could help that person succeed professionally. You would, naturally, feel resentful and objectified, and want to be validated for yourself as a person, not just what's written on your business card. Well, the partners that you seek out would feel the same way. Keep your mentors and networking contacts separate from the man you love at home.

The last "C" is, well, the big one: "C-k". Or maybe it's not a "big one;" that's my point. When you're choosing your mate for theoretically a lifelong relationship, the "size" of your guy should actually be a fairly minor consideration. Far too many gay men who are seeking a lifetime of love and companionship (and, yes, sex) limit their social and sexual contacts to men who are particularly well-endowed. This isn't everyone - especially tops and even squeamish bottoms - but far too many guys place penis size above all - or at least most - other considerations of a man's suitability for a relationship. This is a mistake. If you do this, then the novelty of his endowment will eventually wear off and you'll be left with whatever remains. If the man of your dreams is less endowed than you would like, see if you can compromise on this. There is also the possibility of using larger toys to satisfy you, or negotiating an open relationship just for the purpose of occasional romps with Mr. Big (one couple I worked with did just that, and their problem was solved).

I've always said that a gay man's relationship must work on four levels: Emotionally, Physically, Domestically, and a fourth area that I call "Managing The Other" - which includes not letting exes, other gay men, roommates, intrusive parents, neighbors, or bosses undermine the commitment and quality of your relationship. And, yes, sexual satisfaction is part of making it work physically. But to put an emphasis on size above all other considerations for your potential partner confuses the issue on whether you really want a partner - or just a piece of one.

There are other considerations in gay men's relationships that need attention. For example, I also help couples and individuals with the issue of addictions in a relationship - whether it's alcoholism, sex addiction, workaholism, or some other substance/process addiction. But if you avoid over-emphasizing the "Three C's" as discussed above, your quest to find "Mr. Right" may be enhanced. And if you need additional guidance on how to maximize your chances of finding a suitable mate, consider booking some counseling or coaching sessions. These can be effective in shortening your search by getting to the heart of what's preventing it from happening for you now.

Ken Howard, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping gay men bridge the gap between how life is, and they would like it to be, in important areas of life such as health, mental health, career, family, and relationships, with offices in West Hollywood, California. Call 310-726-4357 or visit http://www.GayTherapyLA.com for additional information and other articles and audio products available for purchase.

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Lesbians Falling For Straight Women

2012-04-23T10:18:00.001-07:00

Many Lesbians have experienced the predicament of having romantic feelings for a straight woman. If you are a Lesbian and find yourself infatuated with a straight woman, better yet a married woman, tell yourself WHOA!

Let's paint a hypothetical scenario with a married woman. You have an emotional connection and a physical attraction for a married woman; however, there has not been any "real" indication that she is attracted to you. To continue on with the scenario, she is having major relationship issues with her husband and has been confiding with you. You are hearing some very intimate details and feeling her sadness, anger, confusion, and a bunch of other emotions. She is trying to decide what to do: divorce, counseling, separation. The two of you meet regularly for lunch a couple of times per week. You want to help her, rescue her from her awful marriage, and make her feel happy again. Take Heed: Although she may be in the process of getting a divorce or separating from her husband, that does not mean she will leave the "hetero" team.

It may not be so unusual for a Lesbian to have feelings for a straight woman. However, the actions taken (i.e. express feelings or not) determine everything. Acting on your feelings could be disastrous to the friendship.

First, people do not arbitrarily switch and vacillate between being heterosexual and homosexual. Even if someone did, heartbreak would surely ensue. Remember that old adage: You cannot be something you are not.

Second, based on the "married woman scenario", ending a marriage is very disruptive to one's established world. The person needs space, time, support and less confusion. If you confess your love to this woman at this time, you will be sorely disappointed with her reaction. Although YOU may be ready to progress the relationship to another level, she probably is not.

Third, straight women are not accustomed to dealing with another woman's affectionate interests; they do not view other women as potential lovers. They seek female friendships to have confidants and companions to do stuff with. They size-up other women based on appearance, jobs, parenting, marital status, hobbies and interests, neighborhoods, church and community involvement... not on sexual or romantic interest.

I was married; however, I suspected there was something "not straight" about me! When I finally realized that I had been denying my sexuality, only then did I feel compelled to do something. I actually made the first move on my soon-to-be girlfriend. Let me emphasize this point: I first was certain (actually fairly certain) that I was Gay before I would kiss the girl.

If you find yourself in this situation and you are bound and determined to find out whether your lady friend has any inclination on having a romantic relationship with you, consider using a disguised approach. Initiate a conversation based on the "hypothetically, if you were Gay" theme. She may tell you, without being awkward, that she is not Gay. Then, what's the point in pursuing her.

Regardless, you may still feel compelled to throw it out there to see what happens. If you tell her that you are attracted to her and she is not prepared for this confession nor is she interested, then the awkwardness and the "elephant in the room" will be felt and exist between the two of you probably forever. Be prepared for anything, including fewer lunch dates and having an awkward friendship.

Straight women are just that...Straight. You cannot change them!

Gayl Newton is a Living OUT Mentor who works with Gays and Lesbians to embrace who they are so they live Confidently OUT. You can read more articles and find out about coaching programs with Gayl at http://www.confidentlyout.com.

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Gay Palm Springs

2012-01-05T18:59:00.002-08:00

Rumored to be the playground of Stars, Palm Springs California has also become one of America's most popular gay vacation destinations. From mid-October to June the weather is ideal with daytime highs in the mid seventies. A beautiful desert landscape with three majestic mountain ranges in the background makes for a perfect setting for rest, relaxation, recharging your batteries, or a romantic rendezvous with that special someone. This city is home to one of the most "gay friendly" environments on the west coast, with many cultural events that celebrate diversity and pride.

A stroll down Arenas Street, located in Downtown Palm Springs will provide dining, shopping, and night life unlike any other. There are several shops that sell clothing, curio, and novelty items you won't find anywhere else. This street also includes some of Palm Springs premiere restaurants serving American cuisine. Several of the bars, and restaurants provide a very of night - time entertainment that include, karaoke, Levi/leather, of just casual fun and an open air outside patio.

The section of Palm Springs located within walking distance from downtown is Warm Sands. This area is home to a collection of upscale gay and clothing optional resorts, which are rated some of the best. Prior to becoming gay establishments, many of these same resorts were favorite vacation spots for many Hollywood icons of silent screen, Stage, movies.

Shopping and nightlife are not the only forms of entertainment in this desert oasis. With several National Parks, Monuments and state land preserves very close, many visitors can enjoy hiking, house back riding, excursion tours, and even camping. Your biggest problem will be finding enough time in the day to get everything in.

There are also several annual events that drawl national attention to this area. Held every year in the spring, the White Party is a gay man's definition of being a kid in a candy store. There are beautiful gay men everywhere you look. You may want to come to this event single because if you don't you may leave that way. So much temptation and so little time. This valley provides something for everyone so women, do not feel left out. The Dinah Shore Kraft/Nabisco Golf Championship is Lesbian dream come true.

The Gay Pride festival is a weekend long celebration in which Arenas Street is closed down for musical entertainment, Sunrise Park host the official gay Pride festival with many venders that set up booths to provide an open-air shopping and entertainment experience. Palm Canyon is closed down the last day of Gay Pride to host the official parade.

Mitchell Sussman has been a television producer for the past twenty five years. In that time he has produced adventure travel programming for such networks as Travel Channel, PBS, Fox Sports Net, Star TV and many others.

Mitchell is also a contributing editor to a website that provides information about and is a portal to hotels, golf, attractions, restaurants and events in Palm Springs and the California desert resort cities http://www.palmspringsvacationdiscounts.com

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Top 10 Secrets of Successful Gay Daters

2012-01-05T18:56:00.002-08:00

Introduction

Dating can be like a roller coaster ride sometimes with its fun highs and frustrating lows. Ever wonder why some guys have more luck with the dating game than others? Ever contemplate what it takes to become more successful with men? Well, that's a tricky business and there's no scientific formula that will yield those positive results. I believe dating is partly luck and LOTS of preparation.

This article will list ten characteristics common to the profile of a successful gay dater. The list goes on beyond this as well, but these qualities can provide a starting point for you to assess your possible strengths and weaknesses as a single gay man on the prowl for your Mr. Right and to develop goals for self-improvement that will maximize your efforts out on the dating scene.

Profile Of A Successful Gay Dater

10. He lives a life that he loves with a clear vision of his future and is armed with self-knowledge and awareness.

It's critical that you avoid defining your whole life around dating and finding a boyfriend. This is just one aspect of your life and you don't want to neglect and avoid the other parts of your identity. Know who you are, what you want, and where you're going in your life. Develop a crisp, clear vision of how you want to be and the type of life you'd like to lead and succinctly define your personal values, passions, and life purpose and live according to them. Look and feel your best! And remember, "The Law of Attraction" states that like attracts like; what you put out there and show the world has the tendency to attract the same back to you---and that goes for dating too!

9. He knows his personal requirements and refuses to tolerate anything less.

The best defense that you can have in the midst of all those men to choose from is to know what your non-negotiable needs are; things you absolutely must have or absolutely cannot have in a relationship for you to be with that particular guy. This will help you weed through the potentials and the Mr. Wrongs. And don't sway from your requirements, no matter how hot he is! You'll be saving yourself a lot of grief in the long run.

8. He has a solid knowledge of what constitutes a healthy relationship.

Be aware of the ingredients of a healthy partnership. This can help you detect any red flags in your dating relationship that might be "deal-breakers" or areas that the two of you could work on together. Such qualities include each person having a strong sense of self with solid boundaries, open communication, flexibility, commitment, ability to have fun, capable of non-defensive conflict negotiation, having emotional connection and intimacy, affection, sexual compatibility, etc.

7. He has a strong support system, access to resources, and is comfortable being alone.

It's important when your single to have a good friendship network going (they can be great match-makers sometimes) and have a circle of people in your life who support you and care about you. Additionally, become knowledgeable about the resources that exist in your community for LGBT individuals as additional components you can add to your network. And learn creative ways for coping with loneliness by utilizing this alone time for self-reflection, relaxation, and movement toward your personal goals and vision.

6. He has overcome a lot of the male socialization barriers that can interfere with relationship quality of life.

"Men are tough. Men don't cry. Men don't show emotions."You know, all those mumbo jumbo messages all of us men, gay and straight, had to internalize growing up. These scripts that are supposed to define manhood limit our ability to live freely. As a result, many gay relationships tend to be highlighted by competition, status, power/control struggles, and lack of effective communication skills and expression of feelings. Put two men together in a dating situation with the same socialization scripts, and these are relationship killers! Define for yourself what being a man means, develop comfort with your masculinity and gender, and don't be held back by these prejudicial sanctions.

5. He has addressed any issues pertaining to internalized homophobia, feels a sense of acceptance and pride with being gay, and has overcome a lot of the gay stereotypes and myths that abound about gay men and dating.

Coming out isn't for everyone, but the more accepting you are about your sexual identity, the greater quality of life you can experience. You don't have to live a double life any more, you no longer have to lie or hide behind secrets, you can live with less fear and stress, and your self-esteem tends to be higher in most cases. It's not an easy feat, however--there's years worth of shame to work through, but for most people the journey is beneficial as they can then live more authentically and truly be themselves. Dating and relationships can be made difficult without a resolution to this, particularly if both men are in different places of the coming-out continuum. Additionally, it's important to counter any myths or stereotypes about homosexuality because these can be limiting as well. "All the good ones are taken." "Gay relationships don't work." "All gay men want is sex." "I have to be a stud to land a man." "Guys will come to me." If you believe any of these statements and the many others that exist, recognize these as misinformation that can be confusing and distort reality and work hard at challenging and defeating such negative self-talk so that they don't get in the way of your goals.

4. He knows what dating means and how to do it instead of just having sex.

For many gay men, having sex and/or jumping into a relationship too early is a common phenomenon. Because of our homophobic society, we were never taught how to date, so gays don't typically have pacing rituals or milestones like our straight counterparts do for dating. This, coupled with relief after years of isolation and having a strong need to feel loved/wanted/connected, fuels us to rush intimacy too quickly and establish premature connections without knowing more about the other guy. It's important to build a foundation first as this helps us make good choices. Learn how to pace and slow things down by learning how to add courtship, flirting, and romance to the mix.

3. He is emotionally and physically available and ready for love.

Have the time and space to invite a person into your world. It will be difficult to establish a connection with someone if your time schedule is too booked up. Also be ready emotionally by ensuring you've resolved any baggage from your past or addressing any current personal issues that may distract you and sabotage your efforts at love. And most importantly, be yourself! Don't be someone that you think he wants you to be. Don't mold yourself around someone just to be in a relationship. You'll end up resenting him and yourself for your dishonesty. Remember to live by your personal requirements and have your own individual identity.

2. He has a well-rounded repertoire of dating skills and knows how to use them.

Dating skills include such things as knowing where to meet men (pick venues aligned with your vision!), being assertive, having good communication skills, being able to initiate and maintain conversations, differentiating between guys who are cruising vs. serious dating candidates, knowing how to flirt, etc. The more developed you are in these types of skills, the more savvy and confident you will feel when in social situations and you'll be more magnetic!

1. He is a go-getter and takes charge of his life. He makes things happen!

Nothing will happen in your life unless you take the proactive steps to make changes. This is not an easy task, especially if you're shy or hesitant because of past efforts that didn't work out, but you have to be the chooser and take risks. In most cases, things will not fall in your lap. You will need to do the work involved in making your vision become a reality. Whether it be combating procrastination or dealing with fears of rejection, conquer your anxieties directly. And do it NOW! The more you run or avoid anxiety, the stronger it gets. And don't put your life on hold either. One man once told me, "I'll start dating after I lose weight." No! Live your life to the max now while you're working on such goals. There's no greater loss than postponing living your life.

Conclusion

So there you have it! Ten areas where you can assess yourself on the successful dater scale. Dating can be fun AND challenging, so the more prepared you are for inviting love into your life, the greater the chances of victory. Identify the strengths and weaknesses you may have from this profile and make a commitment to yourself to develop goals for improving up your weak spots and follow through with them. While it's not foolproof, you will greatly improve your chances in the dating pool and you'll also be strengthening your personhood in the process, adding more value and richness to your life. Your Mr. Right is out there. Now go get him!

©2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

Brian Rzepczynski holds a master's degree in Social Work from Western Michigan University and is also a Certified Personal Life Coach through The Coach Training Alliance. He launched his private coaching practice, The Gay Love Coach: Man 4 Man Coaching Services (http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com), in 2003 and works with gay men, both singles and couples, on developing skills for improving their dating lives and relationships. He publishes a free monthly ezine called "The Man 4 Man Plan" that has helpful articles, tips, resources, and an advice column relating to gay relationships and dating. He is also the co-author of the 2005 self-help book "A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion."

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Top 10 Qualities of Gay Super-Couples

2012-01-05T18:55:00.002-08:00

Introduction

So what makes a healthy and lasting long-term gay relationship successful? Our society certainly doesn't make it easy for us as gay men to date and mate with all the homophobia and discrimination that exists. Though this is slowly starting to change in many parts of the world, man-to-man love continues to be stigmatized and this backdrop of cultural oppression and hatred can put a strain on a gay couple's budding relationship that many heterosexual pairs may take for granted. As a gay community, we lack adequate and visible positive role models of gay couples that provide hope for lasting relationship success. As men, we've been conditioned to define our masculinity in rigid and narrow ways as part of the socialization process growing up and this can create conflict when pairing up two individuals of the same gender looking for intimacy and emotional connection. And then we have our own layers of discrimination and pressure in our own gay community that at times can leave gay couples feeling unsupported and uninspired to achieve relationship longevity in the one place they thought they'd be safe-among their own.

While the odds do seem to be stacked against us in the fight for the dream of claiming our rightful husband with the accompanying house, white picket fence, and prideful rainbow flag securely attached to the front porch, they don't have to be obstacles to our success. Having to face so much adversity has actually enabled many of us to be quite resilient in the face of stress and makes us good candidates for partnerships with the right focus and determination. There are many gay men in long-term relationships who can vouch for their fulfillment of this dream and speak of happiness and bliss in their coupled status. But what are the ingredients that make a healthy gay relationship?

Characteristics of Successful Gay Couples

There is no specific blueprint or formula for how to maintain a lasting and successful relationship. One of the beauties of being gay is that we can create our own definitions of what constitutes an ideal relationship for ourselves as we are not hampered down by restrictive gender roles and norms like our heterosexual counterparts. Each couple develops their own unique partnership that works for them. That being said, there are some universal qualities that can promote a more solid and functional relationship over the long haul for partners seeking long-term connection and happiness.

Successful gay couples can exhibit some of the following...

1. They share compatible interests and philosophies of life.

It's important that partners have similar interests and hobbies to share in common to build experiences with together, but it's also essential to have some differences as well to complement each other. This helps to keep the mystery and intrigue alive in the relationship that exists with contrast. Who wants to have an exact replica of themselves that they interact with on a daily basis?! Boring! What is absolutely critical, however, is that both partners will have a smoother and more fulfilling relationship if they share comparable value systems. This forms the foundation of what the couple believes in and is the diving board from which they co-create a vision for their future together as a united front and alliance for life.

2. They openly communicate with each other and stay engaged in each other's lives.

This involves direct and honest dialogue about the mundane aspects of life to the serious thoughts and feelings that get triggered as a part of relationship dynamics. The partners create a climate in their home where each feels safe and comfortable sharing vulnerable aspects of themselves with each other and are attuned to each other's needs. Listening skills are primed and each feels like an active participant in the relationship. Issues are not swept under the rug and are dealt with immediately in an assertive and caring way.

3. They manage conflict productively.

Healthy gay couples recognize that conflict is an inevitable and normal part of a relationship, seeing these "rough spots" as opportunities for growth and positive change in their partnership. They deal with their anger in constructive ways, avoid hurtful comments and assigning of blame, and take the time to understand and validate each other's points of views before initiating collaborative problem-solving to try and reach a win/win solution. They are open to compromise and sacrifice and always keep a teamwork stance in negotiating their differences.

4. They have a balanced lifestyle comprised of both individual and couple identities.

In relationships it's important to have time devoted to nourishing the relationship and also to focus on individual interests and pursuits. Too much "couple identity" causes both partners to feel suffocated. Too much "individual identity" creates a feeling of being disconnected and living as roommates. Striking a positive balance of both brings in just enough freshness and vitality to the relationship where boundaries are strong and healthy. Each partner feels supported by the other for striving for their own personal growth and goals without feeling threatened because the relationship vision is also being attended to simultaneously.

5. They have fun with life and try not to take things so seriously.

Life can be stressful, so why add to the tension with a hardened demeanor? Successful couples are those that are playful with each other, enjoy a humorous banter between the two of them, and feel energized by such things as tickling, cracking jokes, pulling pranks on each other, and being perverted with each other. All things are done in a loving way and this approach to their interactivity creates an atmosphere of laughter and celebration for being in each other's lives.

6. They enjoy a sensual and sexual camaraderie that helps them to meet their erotic potential.

The happiest couples tend to report enjoying nonsexual affection in their daily lives through spontaneous touch, verbal strokes, holding hands, cuddling, and massage. They also understand the importance of maintaining a passionate sexual connection through regular pleasuring sessions and keeping their erotic lives energetic and enjoyable. Even for those couples in "open relationships", the sexual relationship with their partner remains an important component of intimacy for them and they find ways to meet each other's needs, even when one isn't necessarily in the mood.

7. They have a supportive network of family and friends who honor their relationship.>

Having the backing and encouragement of loved ones can be a great impetus for reinforcing a gay couple's commitment. Surrounding themselves with positive and affirming people can be a great boost.

8. They are comfortable with their sexuality and not afraid to show it.

Sexual identity struggles and internalized homophobia can really drag a relationship down unless both men tend to be in the same boat with their levels of outness. Confident and successful gay couples are comfortable being in relationship with each other no matter the setting or public domain. Whether it's trying out a mattress at the local bedding store or attending a social function in a mixed-orientation crowd, these couples feel secure enough in their identities and relationship to combat any potential homophobia they may face by proudly being themselves. Being able to be free and uninhibited is a truly liberating feeling for a gay couple.

9. They possess the following in their partnership: trust, commitment, honesty, openness, flexibility, loyalty, dedication and devotion, quality time, sensitivity, nonjudgmental attitudes, loving and unafraid to express their feelings and passionate side, etc.

These are obvious hallmark characteristics that typify a healthy relationship, but gay men in particular are vulnerable to power struggles, competition, and issues surrounding intimacy and closeness due to male socialization in their man-to-man relationships. Successful couples are aware of these pitfalls and work hard to embrace a holistic masculinity that counters the stereotypes they've been engrained with.

10. They place a high premium on their lives together and are focused on not taking each other for granted.

Successful gay couples realize that the busyness of life can very easily put their relationship on the back shelf, but they don't let it! They ensure that they devote quality time together, schedule special "date nights" with each other, and are attentive to each other's needs. They make sure they are diligently working toward their shared relationship vision, validate their partner in the ways he likes it most, and make sure to show through words and actions how much they appreciate their guy being in their lives.

Conclusion

So how did you and your partner do? These are only some of the qualities that comprise a healthy gay relationship and it's up to you and your man to define the parameters of what that would look and feel like for your unique relationship. Use these tips as a springboard to discuss how things are going in your relationship to gauge your strengths and areas for growth and craft an action plan to make things even better between the two of you.

© 2009 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit http://thegaylovecoach.com

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

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The Place Of Gay Films In The Broader Culture

2012-01-05T18:53:00.001-08:00

The gay community is one that is often misinterpreted or misunderstood by the masses. The amount of suffering and pain inflicted on these individuals in indescribable. Despite this, these individuals manage to create works of cultural significance through the use of art mediums such as cinematography. Gay videos and movies showcase both the hardships and rewards that are given from being a homosexual. These can also offer some insight into a moral or affliction that is present in the mind of society.

Culture-wise, homosexuals have always proven to be topics of discussion with various communities unlike their own; who do not wish to see their emotions being shown outside of themselves. Preference or not, these persons continue to resort to film as a way of expressing these feelings that are often suppressed for fear of retaliation.

Films such as Gus Van Sant's Milk are gateways to understanding the psychology of homosexuals. Often, individuals such as the portrayed character Harvey Milk are reputable members of society, only burdened with the otherwise lax and normal representation of being gay. This led to his eventual murder, of which the movie dramatizes. The film is lauded as being a superior gay film, as it is accessible to many different persons, rather than just homosexuals.

Videos featuring homosexuals include many different aspects in their execution. For one example, there is often a tale of repression of homosexual feelings, as well as the desire to hide these emotions from family members or friends. By doing so, the individual commits themselves to a life of utter despair; being unable to express what they feel emotionally or physically.

In regards to this, these films can feature a heterosexual person who is "closeted" or suppressing their feelings knowingly. Likewise, a homosexual character can help to alleviate this pressure by assuring the individual that the feelings are benign in nature, though others may not believe this to be so, and thus cause conflict within the story.

Films that show the "homosexual lifestyle" are often an attempt to dissuade skeptics who believe that each individual is part of the same community in terms of how they interact or carry themselves. However, with these persons, the opposite can also hold true when seen in a film.

In those that try to debunk these allegations, the film often shows the various sides of what a homosexual feels towards others, making their feelings of affection seem more realistic, as is not commonly perceived by normal viewers. This is a strong selling point for directors who wish their videos to be more accurate in capturing the emotion felt by these individuals.

The impact of these films is crucial if it is to resonate with those who feel that homosexuals are incapable of feeling basic human emotions such as love and commitment. These films also help to provide those that are homosexual to embrace their feelings and emotions, rather than disregard or suppress them. It is important for each individual to know that what they feel is both natural and normal.

The number of quality gay-themed films might astonish members of the mainstream society. While some of these theatrical release and art-house movies vary greatly in terms of artistic merit, the online world provides a wealth of gay movie reviews to help separate the wheat, such as the superb The Mudge Boy, from the chaff.

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Child Custody Disputes Involving Gay and Lesbian Parents

2012-01-05T18:52:00.001-08:00

Millions of gay men and lesbian women across the nation have biological or adoptive children. With modern technology and medical advances, some of these same-sex couples are now having children together through assisted reproduction techniques. Gay men can use a surrogate to carry a child that will be born from one partner's sperm and a donor egg, and lesbian women can bear children with a donor's sperm. However, a majority of individuals in gay or lesbian relationships became parents in the context of a previous heterosexual relationship or marriage. Once the individual comes out as gay or lesbian, he or she usually wants child custody even in their new partnership situation. Therefore, when a lesbian or gay man is involved in a child custody dispute with the other parent, it is likely that the dispute will be with a heterosexual person.

This type of child custody dispute has only become popular in the last decade. Back in the 1960's when anti-gay discrimination was widespread, it was common for gay and lesbian parents to be stripped of their parental rights altogether. It wasn't until 1967 that things began to change for the gay and lesbian community. In Nadler v. Superior Court, the California Court of Appeal reprimanded a trial court for ruling that a lesbian mother was presumptively unfit. With this ruling, the state of California set the precedent for the next couple of decades, in which courts in most states adopted a similar evidence-based, child-centered approach for child custody cases.

Today, only a few states remain in which courts are permitted to automatically presume that a lesbian or gay parent is unfit to be a child's primary custodian. States that have adopted a nondiscriminatory approach include Georgia, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas, South Carolina, West Virginia, and more. However, discrimination against gay and lesbian parents still exists in subtle forms. For example, some state courts may prohibit divorced parents from living with an unmarried partner as a condition of custody or visitation rights. Courts may also rule that parents cannot bring their children to religious services that affirm lesbian or gay people.

Even though the court prejudice has dramatically improved over the last forty years, gay and lesbian parents are still the victims of discrimination in custody and visitation cases in some states. When determining custody rights, it is the responsibility of the court to take into consideration the parent-child relationship and certain factors that are involved, such as the length of the relationship between the adults, and whether or not the parent already lives with the child. The court must also consider the intentions of both partners to work together, and if there were any parenting agreements signed. Despite several court victories and overall improvements in California and other states, gay and lesbian parents seeking custody of their children may face court discrimination in some states. If you are a gay or lesbian parent seeking to win custody rights of your children after a divorce, a skilled divorce lawyer can provide the dedicated legal counsel you need to fight for your rights in court.

The attorneys at Hanson, Gorian & Bradford are skilled in handling all types of family law and divorce cases. We are committed to helping clients during the difficult times surrounding divorce, custody and visitation disputes. Our firm is passionate about providing clients with personalized attention outside of the courtroom, and we are always available to answer your questions and concerns. A Riverside divorce attorney at our firm will provide compassionate support and legal guidance during your case, and will fight for your rights in court. Regardless of whether you are fighting for child support, child custody or dealing with spousal support issues, we have the resources you need to succeed in any type of family law case. Our firm helps individuals and families throughout the Riverside area with dedicated and experienced legal counsel, and we can help you achieve your legal objectives as well. Contact a Riverside divorce attorney or visit our website at http://www.divorceattorneysriverside.com to learn more about what we can do for you.

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Coming Out to Your Friends As Lesbian, Gay or Bisexual

2012-01-05T18:47:00.001-08:00

The words 'coming out' has different meaning for different people. For some men and women, identifying as a lesbian or gay means self acceptance, acknowledging that they are attracted to people of the same sex and want to develop sexual, romantic relationships with them. For others, it means, letting people they care about know that they are not heterosexual; that it is necessary to verbalize a word that lets them know you're different. Most importantly for most, it's because they want to be truthful with their friends and not hold any secrets. Whatever your reasons, identifying as a lesbian or gay man can be a liberating and even euphoric experience.

Coming out, can be a lengthy painful process, or a short, celebratory one, it really depends on your unique circumstances and your mindset. Most North American societies have laws that protect lesbians and gays however, many women and men still remain in the 'closet' mainly due to fears of how others will react.

These thoughts may be prevalent in your mind:

Will they stop being my friend?
Will they stop talking to me?
Will they tell everyone they know?
The following suggestions may help you come out to your friend:

Visualize

Thinking about all the possible scenarios and outcomes can be stressful and create a lot of anxiety. Begin to change your way of thinking from the negative to the positive. Visualize how you will come out to a friend and visualize their positive response to you. Do this often and until you feel comfortable and at ease with the notion of being out to your friend.

Engage Conversation

Engage your friend in a discussion about a lesbian or gay issue, for example: What do you think of Pride? How do you feel about lesbian/gay marriages becoming legal in NY (first lesbian couple to wed, Kitty Lambert and Cheryle Rudd).

Listen to your friend, accept whatever opinion he or she expresses to you, then add your opinion, making sure you express a favourable viewpoint. Do not over talk, change conversations if it starts getting heated. If not, and your friend shows a lot of acceptance in relation to the lesbian/gay theme of your discussion, than you know that your friend may accept you well.

Watch a Movie

Today there are many movies or TV shows, that have a gay/lesbian theme, Imagine Me and You (for women), Priest (for men). Ask your friend to see one with you. Later, over a coffee or tea talk about the movie, and specifically the gay/lesbian character. Make sure you do not judge your friend, and always present a positive view of the film and it's lesbian/gay content.

Once you start getting positive responses from your friend, you can start bringing the issue closer to home by initiating a discussion about someone you know that is lesbian or gay. Talk about this person in a positive way, referring to how others have accepted his or her's sexual orientation.

Come Out

One day, and do not plan the day, come out as a lesbian or gay man to your friend. Don't plan the day or the time, as this may create anxiety. However, make up your mind that you will be coming out to your friend when the opportunity presents itself. Make sure you're doing something fun, and that you're both in a good mood. The words you use to come out are entirely up to you, some like to say: "I'm a lesbian, I am gay" ` I now identify as lesbian, I now identify as gay", "I'm attracted to women,`` I am attracted to men" " I prefer to only date women/men" "I am a gay woman", "I am bisexual" and so forth. Whatever manner you choose, do it with confidence and with the certainty that you'll be accepted, most likely your friend will feel your positive energy and will accept you wholeheartedly.

Esmeralda Carvalho is a writer for Lesbian Moms Today, http://www.lesbianmomtoday.com/ a website for lesbian moms and their families to connect, talk about parenting, family, relationship, healthy living, films, travel and events.

She has an Honours BA in Sociology and Psychology, has founded a lesbian/gay association and has chaired various committees on lesbian/gay issues, parenting and health.

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What Is Gay Positive Therapy?

2012-01-05T18:46:00.001-08:00

Gay positive therapy recognizes the natural expression of same-sex attraction in gay relationships. Also referred to as "gay-affirmative" or "gay-friendly" therapy, it counters the mistaken assumptions of previous efforts to change sexual orientation.

There is no scientific evidence for treatment or prevention of a gay sexual orientation. Attempts to change sexual orientation are based on misguided assumptions about the nature of sexual development. Efforts to change sexual orientation ("reparative therapy" or SOCE: Sexual Orientation Change Efforts) have been discredited by all the mental health professions (psychiatry, psychology, and clinical social work), plus the American Medical Association. And many religious concerns have been addressed by gays within their own religious traditions.

Starting with the refreshing assumption that it's "Okay to be gay" can be a great relief for many gay men seeking help for other issues they may be dealing with in their lives--whether it's anxiety and depression (often stemming from anti-gay attitudes from our families, churches, or anti-gay bullying), or the everyday conflicts that often arise in any relationship, gay or straight.

Therapy often involves making a connection between how you're feeling now, and what's happened to you in the past. Whatever difficulties you've had as a result of the homophobia you've experienced can be dealt with in an open and accepting manner. If you're feeling blocked, we question whether some of the assumptions and conclusions you made when you were younger still make sense as an adult.

It's helpful to think of the block, whatever it is, not as some internal enemy, but as a part of you that kept you safe in some way. It may be that as an adult, the conclusions you reached when you were younger no longer serve you.

Some people find themselves caught in the same pattern over and over again--like falling in love with someone who's not emotionally available. We look at where this pattern comes from: with this example, it may be an attempt to master a previous abandonment. Understanding this pattern doesn't necessarily mean you won't be attracted to unavailable partners, but you'll be able to make a more conscious choice about whether to pursue them.

Recovery from various addictions can also motivate you to seek gay positive therapy. When you stop using alcohol, drugs, sex, food, or debt to escape from not feeling good about yourself, your emotional life becomes much more accessible. You may feel worse before you feel better, so it helps to get re-acquainted with yourself in a gay-positive and accepting environment when you're no longer "self-medicating" to push feelings away.

Gay positive therapists can help you counter homophobic or other negative messages you may have internalized, and replace them with a more realistic and positive assessment of your true abilities. Gay affirmative therapy can help gay men who want to get a better grip on their lives, without being concerned they will be judged or told there's something wrong with them for being gay.

Gay Therapist Rik Isensee, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist in San Francisco. For over thirty years, Rik has been helping gay men and gay couples: solve conflicts and feel more connected in gay relationships; recover from abuse and self-defeating behavior; and thrive in the face of life's transitions!

Rik is the author of three self-books for gay men: Love Between Men, a guide to solving conflicts in gay relationships; Reclaiming Your Life, a guide to recovery from homophobic abuse, addictions, and self-defeating behavior; and Are You Ready? the gay men's guide to thriving at midlife. He's also the author of The God Squad, a spoof on the so-called "ex-gay" movement, making fun of the ludicrous attempts to try and make lgbtq people go "straight." Get a free copy of "How to Approach Conflict--and Come Out Feeling Better on the Other Side!" at Rik's website: The Gay Therapist!

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What Gay Men Should Expect From Relationships

2012-01-05T18:45:00.001-08:00

Some gay men put up with a lot in their relationships. Their long-term partners will aggressively flirt with other men in front of them, go home with a guy from the bar without any forewarning, sleep with ex-lovers without gaining consent from their current lover, or brag to their current boyfriends about the quality of their sex with strangers.

Ouch.

Here's what I find most concerning. Some gay men don't feel they have a right to be upset about these behaviors. They'll ask me why they feel so jealous and how can I help them let go of their jealousy. They think that the gay community believes in sexual freedom and it isn't cool or manly to object to their partner's sexual behavior.

In other words, they feel shame for experiencing hurt by the actions of their long-term partners.

Heterosexual couples get plenty of social support for treating their partners with respect when it comes to sex. Outrage is the typical social response when friends are told about poor relationship behavior among straight people. When gay men tell the same heartbreaking stories they are less likely to get a big response. Gay relationships are not given the same level of validity.

I'm not making an argument here for monogamy in gay men's long-term relationships. Men can have open relationships and still treat each other with great care and consideration. Gay men have led the way on redefining what defines a caring open relationship. Check out my blog entry entitled "Gay Men and Open Relationships: What Works?" for more on that position.

The point I am making is that if you feel jealous about your partner's sexual behaviors with other men, you need to validate those feelings. Those feelings are common and normal and deserve respect from both you and your partner.

There is plenty of research in psychology to back up the theory that an important reason we enter into relationships is to heal some of the old wounds we experienced in our earliest relationships with our parents, siblings, and peers. If your family had trouble providing you with emotional support as a child then one of the best ways you can heal from that loss is to experience deep emotional support from your adult partner. Most people are really hungry for this experience.

Couples that don't acknowledge that their relationship needs plenty of care, conversation, and consensus will hurt each other. Rather than helping to heal old wounds, these relationships just keep reinjuring. Psychotherapists call this "attachment wounding."

If your friends are telling you that you are putting up with too much from your boyfriend, it's often a sign that you are in a "codependent" position in your relationship. Codependence can be defined as compulsively taking care of other people rather than taking care of ourselves.

Here's the very least you should expect from your partner:

• Your partner should apologize when he discovers that he dropped you emotionally. Maybe not right away, but eventually.

• Your partner should not be harshly criticizing you, teasing you, or putting you down. If he does this occasionally he should be sincerely apologizing after each incident.

• Your partner should never hit you. Period.

• Being drunk is not an excuse for mean behavior.

• You deserve kindness from your partner. Not at every single moment, but on a regular weekly basis. This is really the whole point of being in a relationship.

If this topic resonated with you might want to check out the classic book on codependency: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

If you are tolerating unkind behavior then I urge you seriously reevaluate your relationship. Seek out individual or couples counseling if you need help in making the changes to create supportive, healthy relationships.

Adam D. Blum, MFT is a San Francisco psychotherapist specializing in relationship and self-esteem issues for gay men. He writes a blog on these topics at http://gaytherapist-sanfrancisco.com/blog. Adam can be reached at 415-255-4266 or on his website at http://www.gaytherapist-sanfrancisco.com.

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Gay Dating - How To Write A Fantastic And Appealing Gay Personal Ad

2012-01-05T18:44:00.001-08:00

The first step is to join a gay dating singles sites. There are two great free ones if you don't want to spend any money. Once you become a member of one or two gay dating sites it's time to create your profile.

First off you have to think of you are gay personal ad as a business. The reason I say that is you are in competition with the dozens or hundreds or perhaps even thousands of other gay personal ads in your local area. Making yourself appealing on your own profile is both important and challenging. You want to make sure you attract the guys you are interested in but at the same time you want to make sure you repel the ones you won't be interested in.

So many singles profiles say something very generic like 'single gay guy looking for another gay guy'. Yea, that will work, it will get you tall dark-haired gay single men, it will get you short bald single guys, and everything in between. Hopefully you are a little more selective than that.

Know what you want - The first and most important tip is to know exactly what you're looking for. Imagine there is a magical gay genie standing before you and he will grant your relationship wish. You have to describe to him exactly who it is you are looking for. The more specific you can get the better. If you're having difficulty with this then think of what you definitely do not want.
Memorable screen name - this is pretty much the first thing another gay single at a dating site will see about you is your screen name. Make your screen name a combination of three or so words that you think would best describe you in three words. I know that may seem very difficult but do your best. Also to make your screen name easier to read and to make it stand out more make the first letter of each of those three words capitalized. So for example BodyBuildingHunk or HikingOutdoorGuy
Profile Pictures - One big mistake that many single gay guys make when uploading pictures to their profile is uploading nude or semi nude pictures of themselves. Is this really the first impression you want to make? Unless you're just looking for a one night hookup this gets guys interested in you for the wrong reasons. You're not going to find Mr. right with this kind of picture on your profile. The best pictures show your face clearly engaging in an activity that you are passionate about. If you're into hiking and have a good picture of you scaling the face of the mountain. When it comes to personal ads your screen name the next thing they see is your picture. When it comes to your dating profile of picture is worth a million words.
Profile Headline - this is another one of the first things other gay single man will see. Many times people will just scan a headline and decide to move on or read your profile based upon that. Think of your headline as an extension of your screen name except instead having to describe who you are in three words you now get about 10 to 15 words to do it. Try to use a headline that will create strong curiosity and compel the reader to click on your ad to read more about you.
Ad Text - if you've gotten somebody this far where they are actually reading your ads text you have done well so far. A big mistake many people make here is they describe physical attributes about themselves that are already listed in the profile details section, things like height, weight, eye color, hair color. Don't waste your text ad on this. Use your text ad to tell a story. That story should reveal who you are as a person, what is important to you, and delve more into your hobbies and interests. If you're having a little difficulty with this section a good idea is to look at other gay men's profiles and take note when one catches your attention. Figure out why that personal ad caught your attention and use that formula in your own gay dating profile.
Use these gay dating tips to create you are winning profile and if you have any questions I will be glad to answer them. Leave your questions in the form of a comment. And if you like this article please use the social buttons on this page to bookmark and share it.

The two Free gay dating singles websites...

Both of these gay dating sites are totally free and they have more features and options and tools than most paid gay dating sites. Pride gay dating and Metrodate gay dating.

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9 Halloween Costume Ideas For Gay Couples

2012-01-05T18:43:00.001-08:00

Halloween is the time of the year that you want to dress in your favorite costumes. You get the chance for one day to show off to others the character or celebrity that you always want to be. During the Halloween party, it will be more fun if you dress up in a couples costume. It will give more life and laughs by dressing up as a couple. There are many costume ideas for couples to choose from like scary, funny, superhero, etc.

If you are a same sex couple then you don't need to feel being left out every time Halloween comes. Just like ordinary male and female couples, you and your partner can dress up as a couple and have fun. There are many costume ideas available for gay couples and below are some of them:

Ace & Gary
Often refered to as the 'Ambiguously Gay Duo', Ace and Gary are a parody of the comic superhero, Batman and Robin who are often accused of secretly having a relationship. Ace and Gary are mainstays of Saturday Night Live. They make a perfect costume idea for gay couples. Everyone will surely have fun at your Halloween party if you don these costumes.

Bert & Ernie
Everybody's favorite Sesame Street characters, Bert and Ernie is like your left and right hand. If one doesn't exist, there is just something missing. This makes a perfect gay couple costume idea.

Two Screws
Another funny gay couple costume idea that is a variation of the plug and plug costume. Instead of 2 plugs, use two screws for your costume which will definitely give a lot of laughs and giggles at your next Halloween party.

Dumb & Dumber
Sometimes we love to hate them but they just look so funny which makes them very adorable. Dumb and Dumber are like mirror images of each other. If you and your partner want to show the world that you are very much into each other then wearing this costume will tell subtly of your status.

Chip & Dale
This two chipmunks created by Walt Disney is another good costume idea for gay couples. You and your partner will surely have lots of fun dressing up as Chip and Dale. These chipmunks are known for their naughty disposition who are always pestering Donald Duck. Why not ask a friend to dress as Donald Duck to form a group costume.

Mario & Luigi
Who doesn't know of best pals Mario and Luigi from the Super Mario Bros. game which was very popular during the 80s. Dress up as this cute Italian plumber twins for lots of fun.

Batman and Robin
A classic gay couple costume idea. There is no better way to portray that you are a perfect couple than by dressing up as Batman and Robin. You and your partner will surely get giggles when you use dress up as the Dynamic Duo.

Wham!
Dress up as the British pop duo of the 80s. Become George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley at your next Halloween party. Wham! is one of the more popular pop bands of the 80s having sold over 25 million albums.

Peter Pan & Tinker Bell
Another costume idea that is a perfect fit for gay couples. You can be the boy from Neverland and your partner as the fairy, Tinker Bell If you prefer to portray a gentle character then dressing as Peter Pan and Tinker Bell is a good choice.

Wesley is blogger and editor at Halloween Costume Ideas For Couples. Costume Ideas For Couples is a website dedicated to provide you will the latest couples costume ideas.

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Foster Care - Alternative for Gay and Lesbian Couples

2011-12-27T15:56:00.001-08:00

Finding proper foster parents for the many children living in state custody is an on-going battle. Some families are happy to take in foster children in the hopes they find a supportive environment until they are legally adopted. It takes a generous soul with a unique ability to overcome heart ache to offer a home of this sort. Other faster parents find they have grown so attached to their foster children that they adopt the children and remove themselves from the fostering system. Gay and lesbian couples didn't always have the "right" to open their homes to foster children, but growing concern about children growing up in orphanages and group homes has forced the foster care system to open the doors to gay and lesbian couples.

Why Were Gay Men and Lesbians Not Allowed to Foster Children?

The foster care system is based on the same laws as the United States government. As little as 10 years ago, gays and lesbians were allowed no legal rights as couples or as parents. Great advances have come in the last 5 years when experts started realizing the positive impact gay and lesbian couples could have on the lives of children who otherwise would be lost in group care for all of their young lives.

Gay and lesbian couples who wish to be parents have the option to apply as foster parents. They will have to undergo the same rigorous application process complete with home visits and references. Once approved, foster children will be assigned to the home and parents given a stipend to help cover care and expenses.

Foster care is not a permanent situation and children can be removed from foster care for a variety of reasons. If the foster parents no longer wish to care for the child, they can ask for reassignment. Other reasons a child may be removed from the home include personal wishes of the child or restoration of parental rights.

Some children stay in foster homes for many years without ever being adopted by the foster parents. Others remain in a foster home for years only to be pulled from the home by a biological parent leaving the fostering couple devastated at the loss of a child.

Gay and lesbian couples who wish to open their homes as foster parents need only apply at the local agency for approval. Some states are more respectful of gay and lesbian rights and others are not.

Information on Fertility and Pregnancy you can Trust.

Amos Grunebaum M.D. is a practicing obstetrician and gynecologist in one of the top 10 hospitals in the United States. In addition to providing pregnant women researched information on pregnancy at BabyMed.com, Amos specializes in gay parenting.

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Reading is Gay, Fundamental and Valuable - Pick Up Gay Books and Read

2011-12-27T15:55:00.003-08:00

Gay men are stereotypically described as "artsy." In that light, it would make sense that gay men are all readers. Of course, we know that not to be so; otherwise, gay tomes would top the best-seller charts. Then again, many of them do just that. Well, at least Maurice Sendak's "Where The Wild Things Are" rests at number 23 this week, according to USA Today.

Some of the very best writing every published came from the minds and pens of gay writers. To miss out on some of this literature would be a shame. Just think - William Shakespeare, Tennessee Williams, Truman Capote, Walt Whitman, Oscar Wilde, James Baldwin, T.E. Lawrence, Herman Melville, E.M. Forster, W. Somerset Maugham. Some of the greatest names in literature, drama, poetry are those of gay men.

A recent publication is Richard Canning's Fifty Gay and Lesbian Books Everybody Should Read (discussed in more detail later). It would seem that for all the years that the written word has been in print that 50 would be a bare minimum for someone to get through. After all, there are books of gay fiction, non-fiction, plays, poetry, fantasy, biography...and the list goes on.

Clearly, in reading some of our favorite authors, there is much to learn. Often, the protagonists are gay themselves, and we can get a particular insight into the mores of the times, the culture of the times, even the acceptance or lack thereof for those who are gay by the remainder of the population. It is worthwhile to invest in a library that will complement the copies of Unzipped, Manhunt and all the other fleshy magazines that constitute the gay genre.

Herewith, a synopsis of some of the most interesting, provocative, beneficial and smart books that have been produced by gay authors. Check them out and see if you're not enchanted and enlightened.

In the Eye of the Storm: Swept to the Center by God, written by Bishop Eugene Robinson
Eugene Robinson is Bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of New Hampshire. Because he is gay and a bishop, of course, there is a world of controversy surrounding the Episcopal Church and the Anglican Communion. His book provides us with an insightful view of his life, the faith that he has professed and continues to follow and the tempest that surrounds him.

The Mayor of Castro Street, written by Randy Shilts
Harvey Milk was a hero for so many gay men, and remains so. His life was portrayed for all the world to see in the 2008 motion picture "Milk," for which Sean Penn won the Academy Award as Best Actor. The 1984 film "The Times of Harvey Milk" was awarded the Academy Award for Best Documentary. Milk was known as "The Mayor of Castro Street," and he was San Francisco's first openly gay man to win elective office, to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors. Here, Shilts gives us a look at Milk's personal life as well as his public life. His 1996 assassination galvanized the gay community throughout the nation. This is a powerful read, worth the trouble for anyone who's seen the movie, and a valuable re-read for those who've already taken the time to read it.

Role Models, written by John Waters
Has there been a more inventive, albeit controversial, moviemaker in our lifetimes than John Waters? His work with Divine; and his marvelous, subversive sense of humor and timing; have led us to some of the best movies of the generation. Here, he provides us with an amusing ride through the influences he has had throughout his career - people like sexy crooner Johnny Mathis, the controversial atheist Madalyn Murray O'Hair, noted playwright Tennessee Williams - all to let us know where in the world John Waters is coming from. His comedic sense will delight and entrance.

Tales of the City, written by Armistead Maupin
Maupin's splendid tale of the inhabitants of the legendary 28 Barbary Lane has enchanted millions throughout the past three decades. Life is no longer as it is, and the moments and circumstances of the changing landscape are captured in his engaging and humorous prose. Of course, the inquisitive reader will want to take advantage of the entire series of stories, evocative of the changes in our lives that have taken place.

A Single Man, written by Christopher Isherwood
Despite his loneliness, George, a middle-aged, gay Englishman, must adapt to his new life as a single man, following the sudden death of his partner. The novel takes place in Southern California, where George is a professor. Alienated as he is from society, we see his joy of life through the contact he has with the outside world, in combination with his own considerations of life. We experience the very fabric of life in this humorous, ironic and somber novel. Edmund White called it "one of the first and best novels of the modern gay liberation movement."

The Berlin Stories, written by Christopher Isherwood
The Berlin Stories comprises two novellas, The Last of Mr. Norris and Goodbye to Berlin, set in Berlin in 1931, as the Hitler and the Nazi party were rising to power. In the first, Mr. Norris, a nefarious sort, is befriended by the narrator, one William Bradshaw. The second, reflected of Isherwood's own experiences in Berlin, contain reflections from various friends, acquaintances, landlords, roommates and others as they navigate through the charms and vices of Berlin. Sally Bowles, introduced as a character in the second, lived on in stage and screen presentations of "I Am A Camera" and "Cabaret."

Stonewall: The Riots That Sparked The Gay Revolution, written by David Carter
The 1969 riots against the police in Greenwich Village, precipitated by a raid on The Stonewall Inn, a gay bar, changed history. Perhaps the first time that homosexuals fought back against the political system that persecuted them, Stonewall is seen as the benchmark for the institution of civil rights for gays. Carter's research provides extraordinary detail into the riots, the aftermath and the full story of one of the most significant events in gay history.

The Meaning of Matthew, written by Judy Shepherd.
Matthew Shepard was beaten to death in 1998 simply because he was gay. His death signaled a change in the American temperament as it related to hate crimes. Since his death, we have seen a greater acceptance of gays and lesbians by society, and the expansion of various rights. Nevertheless, the struggle continues, and now Judy Shepherd, Matthew's mom, lets us into her life and the changes that resulted from his heartbreaking death. Motivated to activism, she worked vigilantly for the passage of the hate crimes bill that was signed into law late in 2009.

The Best Little Boy in the World, written by Andrew Tobias
Here is a tome that has been suggested, re-suggested and continually touted as a must-read for someone trying to come to grips with the indication that he may be gay. Tobias' own website asks the question, "What's this book about?" and then provides the answer: "Don't ask, don't tell." And, of course, The New York Times described it as "uniquely frank." When he wrote it, he had to use a pseudonym, John Reid, because the subject was taboo. That best little boy didn't masturbate, he honored his parents, he was an honors student and athlete and an extraordinary corporate executive. He was also a closet case. As the Times also said, "one reads this utterly honest account with the shock of recognition." Twenty-five years later, Tobias wrote "The Best Little Boy in the World Grows Up," which ought to be on this list as well.

Maurice, written by E.M. Forster
We first meet Maurice as a 14-year-old and in public school; we follow him to Cambridge, where he excels and moves into his father's brokerage business. Growing into the business and into life as a typical Cambridge man, Maurice is everything his Dad wishes for him to be, except for one small item - he is homosexual. Forster's novel is said "to be ahead of its time" because of the gay theme and the thought that there could actually be happiness in the love between men. Sadly, not every gay couple in these times sees the happiness that they desire.

Waiting to Land, written by Martin Duberman
Duberman brings us up to date, covering the period from 1985 to 2008, as a follow-up to his two previous autobiographical books, Cures and Midlife Queer. Here he tells us of his establishment of the Center for Lesbian and Gay Studies (CLAGS) and his service on the original board of Queers for Economic Justice. He expresses his disdain for what he's seen in the gay movement; his thoughts that as gay becomes more mainstream in society, there is a loss of uniqueness and standing for earlier ideals becomes less evident. Maintaining a sense of primacy in the gay movement is paramount in his mind, and there's undoubtedly plenty of proverbial "food for thought" in this meaty memoir.

The Naked Civil Servant, written by Quentin Crisp
Crisp was flamboyant, having made it a priority to let the world know that his homosexuality wasn't going to prevent him from enjoying life as it was intended for him, nor that it should deter any other gay man from enjoyment. He says "as soon as I stepped out of my mother's womb, I realized that I'd made a mistake." In comedic terms, and with all frankness, Crisp tells of his encounters with his parents, soldiers and sailors, the law, making it clear that his intent was to live life unvarnished.

Mapping the Territory, written by Christopher Bram
Bram, an essayist of renown over the last quarter century, has accumulated, in this first non-fiction book, a variety of topics, including his coming-out in Virginia in the 1970s. He also discusses why he and his partner are not desirous of marriage, how it felt to see his novel Gods and Monsters be made into an Academy-Award winning movie with the great gay actor Ian McKellan. Bram also tells us of some of the reading he did when he was coming to grips with himself as a gay man. He provides us with his insight on Greenwich Village, and shares his ideas on life with wit, elan and grace.

Fifty Gay and Lesbian Books Everybody Should Read, written by Richard Canning
Undoubtedly, many readers have picked up some of the texts that are contained in this collection of essays from a wide variety of critics, authors and others. It is illuminating to recognize the need to sample the thoughts of so many who've opined on gay (and lesbian) life. Discussed are such topics as what constitutes gay or lesbian literature; politics; diversity throughout the populace. Recognizing the contributions of gay literature to life is part of the rationale. Will you have the time to pick up each of these 50 books? Perhaps a better question is whether you'll take the time to pick them up to begin with. Canning makes a strong case for each of these books, and the well-read gay will find the time.

There you have it. Fourteen books, reflecting truth and beauty, sex and love, the primacy of gay life. For those who are still searching and trying to come to grips with being gay, who want to know more about the lives and loves of those who've gone before, either through fiction or non-fiction, adding these titles to your library will be worthwhile. If, of course, adding books to a personal library is beyond someone's reach, keep in mind the public libraries will carry most all these titles as well.

T. J. Travis is a rapidly-emerging and well-respected writer, with expertise on Gay life, traditions, and history.

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Where is Gay Adoption Legal?

2011-12-27T15:55:00.001-08:00

In most places, gay adoption is legal but before going in for it, you should find out the adoption policies of your state. If the adoption is not legal, you can alternately apply for guardianship. But this will not give you the same rights as adoption does.

States like Alaska, Alabama, Arizona, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Kentucky, Kansas, Louisiana, New Hampshire, Montana, Virginia, Washington, Mississippi and Michigan allow single GLBT adoption.

Second parent adoption is allowed in some areas in Alaska, Alabama, Delaware, Indiana, Washington, Texas, Rhode Island, Louisiana, Oregon and Hawaii.

Joint gay adoption has the thumbs up in Connecticut, Illinois, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Oregon and Vermont.

When states do not allow joint adoption for gay couples, you can go in for second parent adoption. Here the child belongs to one gay parent and the other applies for adoption. The other legal parent will not lose the rights of parenthood also.

Some states like Arkansas and Florida prohibit one or all ways of adoption for gay singles and gay couples. Some states might allow single GLBT adoption, but might frown upon joint gay adoption. Check with the agencies also about the rules and regulations.

If things do not go your way, you can try for foster care. However, the state will be the legal guardian of the child. Nevertheless, you can still love and bring up the child with the best care possible.

Or else, you can move to a state that favors gay adoption. It might be the best move of all.

About Author:
Pauline Go is an online leading expert in the child care industry. She also offers top quality articles like :
Child Development Checklist, Child Psychology Studies

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Working With Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Clients

2011-12-02T16:31:00.001-08:00

Last Tuesday (12th October 2010) was "National Coming out Day" in the UK. To quote Wikipedia, this is "an internationally observed civil awareness day for coming out and discussion about gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual and transgender (LGBT) issues". It seems appropriate then, for this week's blog post to be about working with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender clients.

I'll start off with stating that I don't give two hoots whether you are gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual or transgender. We are all OK and there are no goods or bads, rights or wrongs, there's just us.

I believe that human sexuality is a continuum, it's a grey scale and we are all somewhere on it. This seems to be backed up by research by Kinsey (1953) and Klein (1985). Klein went further and suggested that there is fluidity to our sexuality throughout time. There is no doubt in my mind that our sexuality plays an important part of defining who we are and this is an issue that we all must examine regardless of our sexual orientation.

As part of my therapeutic practice, I regularly work with lesbian, gay and bisexual clients and same-sex couples. My pointer is towards the heterosexual side of that grey scale. I think it's important to explore how I, a straight man, can work effectively with lesbian, gay and bisexual clients. If I have never experienced the many issues that lesbian, gay and bisexual people face growing up or in their everyday lives as a result of the homophobia and heterosexism inherent in our society, then how could I help?

For me it's about becoming aware of the issues that only my gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender clients face. It's also being honest with my clients and having a dialogue about how sometimes I may miss the significance of something in their life because I have had no experience of it myself. I always endevour to create a relationship whereby I can learn from my clients just as they learn from me. I work hard to keep up to date with current literature on LGBT issues and I talk to my lesbian and gay friends about their life experiences (though, if I'm honest, we actually spend more time talking about who put in the best performance on X-factor!).

Issues that need accounting for with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender clients.

Societal oppression - It wasn't too many years ago that homosexuality was illegal in this country. In the USA, LGBT couples still have few rights in some states.

Homophobia - Within society this can take many forms from violence and victimization to subtle discrimination in the workplace. Some LGBT people lose contact with family and friends as a result of coming out. Others dare not come out for fear of losing those around them that they love or of persecution from others who would not accept their sexuality.

Heterosexism - the belief that opposite sex relationships are superior to same sex relationships. This sometimes has a major impact on same sex couples both from the perception of the validity of their relationship from society, but also the acknowledgment of their relationship from their family and friends.

Internalised Homophobia - The feelings that some LGBT individuals have that they are "defective" which can result in self-hatred, guilt and lack of belief that they could ever have a successful same sex relationship. We can work through these issues in therapy and it can sometimes be a slow and painful process that leads to self-acceptance and pride in who they are.

Issues only same-sex couples have to deal with:

Homophobia and heterosexism in the community - this can create fear about committing to a same sex long term relationship for some lesbian and gay people.

Lack of "role models" for how to have a same sex relationship - this can lead to confusion over boundaries, expectations and obligations within the relationship.

Generally lower levels of family support - When things get tough some LGBT couples find it difficult to get help, advice and support from their family.

The same-sex nature of the relationship increases the chances of certain problems if both partners conform to traditional gender roles - Lesbian couples can have problems with emotional fusion whilst gay men may find they are emotionally disengaged from each other or in competition.

Bisexual clients may have to deal with another set of issues all together, including the confusing state of being "too queer" for heterosexual society and "not queer enough" for the homosexual one.

I'm not for a minute suggesting that these issues would be the focus of the work I do with a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender client. We all bring our own stuff to therapy regardless of our sexuality. What I'm saying is that these issues need to be kept in mind and tackled when they come up. I don't need to be gay to do that, just as I don't need to be black in order to empathise with the pain of being racially discriminated against.

Ultimately for me, I like working with people. I get a buzz out of helping people change, grow and realise their potential. Whether you are straight or gay, black, blue or green, I'm there for you if you need the support.

References

Kinsey, A.C., Pomeroy, W.B., & martin, C.E (1953). Sexual behaviour in the human male. Philadelphia: W.B. Saunders Company.

Klein, F., Sepekoff, B, & Wolf, T.J (1985). Sexual orientation: A multi-variable dynamic process. Journal of Homosexuality, 11 (1/2), 35-50.

If you need more help, advice or support on lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender issues I can recommend the Lesbian and Gay Foundation, which is based in Manchester.

Ian Tomlinson runs Manchester Psychotherapy and provides therapy and counselling in Manchester.

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