Words 'n Things

about goodbyes

2012-05-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

http://bit.ly/JzZbU6

There's a lot more truth to "Goodbye is the hardest word to say" than I thought.

Today is the final day of RA responsibilities on campus, and all the RAs who had to stay late to close are leaving today. I was one of those RAs and today I had to say goodbye to a lot of wonderful people. Most of whom I will not see again for a very long time.

I wish I was better at saying goodbye. I wish I could comfort those experiencing loss as part of a transition to a new place, or lifestyle. I wish I knew how to make goodbyes okay, but I think the thing about goodbyes is that they are exactly that: a goodbye. Goodbyes aren't supposed to be easy, if they were there would be no value to them. People would simply come and go as they please, leaving no emotional remnants of their presence for others to hold on to and cherish.

What troubles me most about saying goodbye is that there is always so much more than I'd like to say, and I'm not really sure of how to say it, or if it's worth being said. Things like, "you really don't know how much you mean to me" or "I could not have done this without you." Even the corny things like "I've had a crush on you since the very first day I saw you, when I didn't even know what your name was" pop into my head.

But I refrain.

------ Psych-Analysis Warning ------
I refrain for fear that the last moments I spend with someone; my last memories of someone will be tainted by rejection; by feelings of inadequacy. It's stupid, because even though I don't desire the person's approval, for some reason I feel upset when I'm denied it. For example, for the girl who I would have told that I've had a crush on her, I've always known that nothing would come of it. And yet I held on to this fear that even though this thing could never be, being denied it seemed to be a loss; a loss I wanted to avoid. It's crazy.
------ ------

I am curious to hear if anyone reading this has any thoughts on the matter. What do you think is hard about saying goodbye? How do you cope with it? What sorts of things do you say? How do you feel?

about me

2012-05-06T23:48:00.002-07:00

http://bit.ly/grezjx

Okay. This post isn't going to flow. Let me warn you now. Scroll to the bottom if you want the tl;dr version.

So, I don't really know how to begin this post. Over this past summer I developed strong interests in two things. First, becoming a secret agency and dealing with intelligence. Second, becoming a better leader and more personable. I feel like there are some areas where the two overlap, but that such overlaps create uncertain voids, and I'm not sure how to deal with them.

What first comes to mind is the idea of letting people talk about themselves. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Because what's more interesting than "the best night ever," or "oh my god you should have been there!" So one of the goals I set for myself to become a stronger leader and a better person was to limit the amount of talking that I did, and increase the amount of listening. From an intelligence perspective, this makes sense. One cannot be fully observant when actively speaking. It's much easier to observe and analyze when you are doing just that.

However, it has come to my attention now that people have noticed my lack of self-interest. I'd much rather hear your story from last night than tell my own. On some feedback that I recently got from a group of colleagues (including some close friends) I was told that they'd like to hear more about me; to get to know me personally. At first, I found this idea to be puzzling and obscure. I thought, why would anyone want to know about me? After talking about this with a few friends and some of my most trusted mentors, I'm beginning to think that people want to know more about me for a few reasons. First, I think it makes people uncomfortable when they realize that people know more about them than they know about the other. It gives a sort of potential for danger feeling. Second - and more appropriately - I think people want to learn more about people they care about. I think that being able to open up to someone conveys a level of comfort that one cannot obtain from simple observation.

At this point, I don't know how to handle my problem. I'm not good at talking about myself. So much of my life has been dedicated to helping, working with, and understanding others that it's tough for me to find any value in speaking about myself. When people ask me about myself, my answers are short, vague, and they often end the communication attempt. When I begin to re-engage the other person, I can clearly tell that my answers were unsatisfactory, and no amount of asking the other about themselves (incorrect pronoun; deal with it) can seem to remedy it.

What's worse, is that this unfortunate side effect of being a good listener seems to manifest itself most when I'm around people I like. People who I care about, and who care about me. I finally find people who are fascinating, who are genuine, and whom I respect, and they want to know more about me, and all I can say is "I'm okay. It's been a busy day. How've you been?" In that one blurb, they learn nothing about me, my feelings, or how my day really was.

TL;DR: In conclusion, it seems to me that there exists a paradox in interpersonal relationships. To show someone you care, you listen to what the person says. However, carried to the extreme, listening and reflecting can only serve to make the other person less comfortable because he or she feels that you are not being completely open. I don't know what the answer to this paradox may be, and I'm not sure that I ever will know. I guess it's just something to think about.

about The Masters

2012-04-08T21:28:00.000-07:00

[src: http://bit.ly/HtnZzy]

I love the Masters. I love everything about it. I love the course, the time of year, the competition, and of course, the presentation of the Green Jacket in the Butler cabin. Congrats to Bubba Watson for winning the tournament this year, after being picked by many as the dark horse in this year's event. It was very emotional when Bubba teared up after his victory on the second playoff hole. It was undoubtedly another Sunday Afternoon to Remember at Augusta.

p.s. How awkward was the (attempted?) handshake between Bubba Watson and Billy Payne? It was almost as good as Oothuizen missing the high-five with his caddy after his double-eagle on the 2nd hole.

[src: http://bit.ly/HtnO7m]

[src: http://bit.ly/HtnDZF]

about things

2012-04-07T19:54:00.000-07:00

I wish it was socially acceptable for me to ask a girl,
"Are you romantically interested in me or are you harassing me solely for the sake of annoying me?"

about Google

2012-04-04T13:53:00.002-07:00

[from http://bit.ly/HLYw63]

Well, Big G's been on a pretty big roll this month already, and we're only 4 days in. Yesterday, Google announced that it will be manufacturing and selling its own tablets this year. Today, Big G went ahead and unveiled what I'm calling the most revolutionary device for social sharing ever conceived by man. Google's augmented reality heads up display, codenamed Project Glass, is sending ripples through the technosphere today. Check out engadget's coverage here. Google also released a video showcasing some possible functionality of the device. Needless to say, a project of this depth is something that only Big G could accomplish. No other company could come close to having enough processing power, data, or balls to pull this type of thing off. For now, the design is merely a concept, but Google has said that they are starting to test some prototypes, and they're also looking for feedback from the community on what types of things that we'd all like project Glass to be able to do. Visit Project Glass' G+ page here. We'll have to wait to see when the product will be available to the masses, but until then, check out the video below and please, try to refrain from drooling on your keyboard. No one likes likes a mess.

about strength

2012-04-02T22:40:00.004-07:00

[from http://bit.ly/HRHyAu ]

today's society makes it seem like vulnerability is weakness

but it's not

vulnerability is strength

being able to put yourself out there, not knowing what will come back, only  that whatever it is, it cannot overcome your own free will

that is strength

that is living.

Window Frames

2012-04-01T21:55:00.000-07:00

[from http://www.dailylifesinspiration.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/200901301644470.Open-Window.jpg ]

Today Sam made a lovely brunch for all of the people with whom we should be going on a cruise with at the end of the year. It was great. After that we played rockband and I tried my luck at singing again. I think I've come to the conclusion that I can sing any song presented in a monotone fashion. I seemed to do particularly well when singing The Killers and Oasis' wonderwall. What a bro.

This afternoon, we had our second round softball game. We won, naturally, and advanced to the final round. I find it odd how similar my enjoyments are to what my father did when he was younger. He played hockey, so I started playing hockey at age 7. He played golf, so I tried golf and loved it. He played squash, so I picked it up and captained my high school team to two provincial silver medals. He played baseball, and I never really followed that until this year. This softball team has really been a lot of fun and I plan on joining a men's league over the summer. My dad never did play tennis or volleyball though, so I guess I've got the old man there.
Anyway, the main topic of this post was not meant to be about my day, but rather about frames, and what they are and how they affect us.

You're probably thinking, "window frame? Like what I look out to see outside?" In a way, yes. Your personal frame is the set of perceptual maps and filters through which you see the world around you. Perceptual filters are the experiences and beliefs that you have which shape the ways that your mind perceives the world around you. Perceptual maps, then are the ways in which your mind provides the fill for the types of information that you cannot obtain through your senses, for example your "moral compass" or sense of right and wrong.

Of course, because each one of us has our own set of frames (and most people have multiple frames, depending on what type of environment they are in) we all perceive the world differently. A book that I'm reading suggests that there are five types of frames: Why frames, How frames, Result frames, Possibility frames, and Curiosity frames. Each step progressing from Why to Curiosity reflects a new stage in personal growth, focusing more on deeper, abstract topics.

Personally, I see myself as being between the Result and Possibility frames most of the time. I don't believe in failure, which is one of the critical factors leading to the Result frame, in which one does not perceive outcomes as successes or failures (this is not a Bernoulli world, after all) but rather, simply as results. The wonderful thing about results is that they are neither good nor bad. They are merely data waiting to be interpreted. "Failure is just what we call a result that we don't like." Results can be read, and feedback can be obtained, so that next time, the results are better. Not necessarily wholly successful, but better.

My philosophical interest has peaked again, so stay tuned for moar!

Welcome Back

2012-03-26T15:58:00.000-07:00

So I've come to the realization that my life is more than interesting enough to continue blogging, and that Google Blogger is a blog client that suits my needs very well. I will continue to blog here, hopefully more often than I have been. I hope to blog more about technology and my college experience.
It's crazy to think that my last post here was the one titled Revelationary, wherein I discussed my changing philosophical views. So much has changed in my life since then, and I look forward to filling you in on what's new and what's still to come. I still feel like there's a writer in me somewhere. Maybe it's more of me just writing what I would like to write rather than only what I think people would like to read.

Here's to what's to come.

Revelationary

2011-10-18T17:53:00.000-07:00

Today, as I was writing a philosophy exam comparing the different solutions we have proposed to the mind-body problem, I came across an idea that I find immensely attractive.

I was writing an essay about the problems with the functionalist point of view and had a sort of epiphany.
While pointing out the flaws in the functionalist ideal, I came to a conclusion that is different than anything I have studied so far.

My problems with the solutions to the mind-body problem that we have studied are many. I do not believe in the dualist mentality because I do not believe the mind exists as an entity separate from the brain. I don't subscribe to behaviorism because it supposes that mental states are the predisposition to behave in a certain way. This is rather restrictive as it claims that all physical behaviors are based on mental states. The mental states are the cause for the behavior. However, not all behaviors are caused by mental states and not all mental states have corresponding behaviors, so this theory must be wrong.

Functionalism also fails because it reduces mental states to be defined as the causal relationship between an input and a related output. This fails because it does not explain the underlying phenomena of feeling. Two people in the same mental state (note that the "same" mental state in two subjects may be composed of different inputs and outputs) may experience the state in completely different ways. This theory assumes that a person's mental state can be inferred by observation of the inputs he perceives and the outputs created, which of course is incorrect.

I would like to propose a new theory of mind. To begin, I'd like to address the one major flaw in all the aforementioned theories: the idea of the mental state. The word state comes from the Latin word "stat" which is the verb "to stand" or remain constant. The mind is anything but constant. It is dynamic; ever changing. This is why people who have set routines still experience things differently from day to day. My recommendation for a new theory of mind does away with the idea of the mind being static. The mind is never in the same state for more than an instant, so it makes no sense to refer to mental states and their effects on behavior.

Instead, I believe that the mind is a type of processor; one with an infinitely complex circuitry design. This processor is hardwired to produce a certain output (or number of outputs) when a given input is received. These outputs can be both physical (realizable in the physical world) or mental (which I will define as only being inside the brain. This includes things like the chemical balance of the brain). This theory explains differences in perspective by saying that each individual's mind is hardwired in a different way, and some inputs cause the circuitry to morph, creating new relationships between inputs and outputs.

Behaviorally, this circuitry idea of the mind works because it allows limitless possibilities for why behaviors occur. Can there be multiple circuits that lead to the same output? Absolutely. In the same way that a calculator can compute 2 and 2 into 4 and also 1 and 3 into 4, the mind can process different inputs into the same output. This model also allows for the same input to cause different outputs, because the circuitry is infinitely complex and the chances that -- at any second -- an input identical to a previous one occurs is virtually zero. This theory even explains the different minds of creatures with the same physiological makeup as ours, as well as those whose physiology could not be more different. How? Every creature simply has a different processor; a different circuitry.

Anatomically, this relationship makes sense because basic studies of the brain reveal that the neurons firing in the brain carry a slight electrical charge, exactly the same way circuits in a processor carry electrical current. The nervous system is electrical as well, and it follows logically that sensory inputs (touch and feel perceived by our nerves) can easily be processed by the mind.

The true beauty of this theory is that it does not remove the human element from the mind. Let me focus on a few highly contested topics about "human" minds: Emotion, Ideas, and Free Will. Free will still exists, but as a by-product of one's ideas and experiences. I cannot repeat it enough: the brain is infinitely complex. What we call "free will" is simply how our mind processes that vast array of data surrounding it and produces an output that it sees best suits our situation. Ideas are produced in the same way, except perhaps our mind fetches inputs from further back in our memory, or a new input causes a change in our circuitry that allows previously separate data to synthesize into a new form. This is what happened to me today while I was writing that exam. One of the thoughts that I produced as an output from being prompted the question that I was answering must have changed my mental circuitry a little bit to allow me to conceive the mind as a processor and that exactly such changes are indeed possible. A revelation!

People are protective of their emotions. They are almost always the first topic to come up when one is asked the difference between man and machine. The fact, however, is that our emotions are caused by chemical imbalances in our brains. These imbalances can certainly be inputs (or outputs) and must absolutely play a role in our processing power. Perhaps adrenaline greases up the neuron passageways in our brain, allowing it to process data faster. Perhaps seratonin changes the passageways to slant toward negative thoughts, and sadness. Again, the complexity of the circuitry is infinite.

I have spent close to an hour organizing my thoughts and writing this essay on my theory of mind. I'm interested to hear your thoughts about it. I'm sure you'll all have something different to say. I've provided your mind with enough data to fill a bucket with inputs so start that processing and let me know what comes out.

“The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.”

2011-10-06T21:56:00.001-07:00

Steve Jobs is a legend. Although this past Wednesday marked the date of his passing, I use the present tense of the verb because his legend will live on. In 1976, when Jobs founded Apple computer along with Steve Wozniak and Ronald Wayne, he set out with a view to revolutionize the computing industry. Now, 35 years later, I argue that he has accomplished that goal and then some.

Never before has a single man had so great an impact on a company, a market, or even an industry. Jobs virtually single handedly shaped and modeled how his company would evolve with its consumers. I spoke with an Apple employee this morning, and he mentioned that people left flowers, candles, and cards outside the door of his store. I can think of no other company in any industry whose customers would feel so connected to the leader. And I mean leader in every form of the word. Steve led the company through good and bad. He had a way of playing up the company’s strengths and leading the media astray in times of hardship. One employee said about Steve’s passing at a time when Apple was taking bad press about the iPhone 4S: “Leave it to Steve to keep the media preoccupied.”

Steve was known to be a strong-willed, ruthless leader who would never back down from what he believed in and who knew exactly what he wanted for the company. It is fascinating to think that almost any technological device that you use today has, in some way, been influenced by Steve Jobs. He pioneered the smartphone market, bringing usable data services to the masses. He revolutionized the personal computer market by putting just as much emphasis on media and fun as on performance. He all but created the tablet market, and created a superpower that has reigned supreme in that realm since its inception.

With all of his professional achievements, it’s sometimes easy to overlook the fact that Steve was also a loving husband, and father of three children. It’s been an extraordinary run, Steve. A college dropout after only one semester, you proved to us all that a little idea and a lot of tenacity and dedication can go a long, long way.

For everything you have done for the technology industry; for everything you have done to make geeks cool again; for being an idol to so many and a symbol of hard work and dedication;

Thank you, Steve

In memory of Steven Paul Jobs (1955 – 2011)

A Philosophical View

2011-09-28T16:02:00.000-07:00

So I've been writing a paper about Epiphenomenalism... For those of you who don't know what Epiphenomenalism is (and I'm guessing that's most of you), I'll include the introductory paragraph from my essay here for your information:

Dualism is the belief that the human brain and the human mind are two distinct, independent entities. Dualism is a position on the mind-body problem that is attractive among the religious, and those who believe that human thought and emotion cannot be measured in chemicals alone; that the mind is something far more complex and far less explainable. Within the dualist realm, there are two branches: Property Dualism and Substance Dualism. The latter asserts that there are two forms of matter in the universe (physical and nonphysical) and that the mind is actually made of a type of nonphysical matter – physicists out there probably already have red flags being raised. This branch has been met with constant and well-backed criticism from the scientific community. The former, on the other hand, is a type of dualism which claims that there is only one type of matter in the universe, but that the brain is a physical object in a class of its own. It has a sort of emergent property – that being that the mind “emerges” from the brain only after the brain has reached a certain level of complexity. The brain is an object that has both physical and mental properties. Epiphenomenalism is a form of property dualism in which it is believed that the mind has no causal power over the brain or body. This claim is both consistent with currently held scientific theories and, as many intellects have found, very difficult to disprove. The idea that the human mind has no causal power is both logically conceivable and plausible.

Since writing this, I have taken it upon myself to determine which form of philosophical belief I belong to. I find this very difficult. At the heart of my beliefs is
that humans believe not according to rationale or reason but according to emotion; how they feel and what they perceive. For my purposes, I will describe emotion as the feelings created when the brain processes information. Following this, a human is not capable of controlling his emotions, but can choose to accept or repress them. This, I think, is logical because everyone has an initial reaction to events. Think of emotion as your first impression of what your brain processes. It is then up to your mind to determine what to do with this impression. Accept it; recognize it as truthful, or deny it; cast it aside as false.

Emotions cannot exist in the physical world. You cannot see, hear, fell, taste, or smell love, pain, or happiness. You can describe them, but merely describing them does not convey them. In order to understand love, happiness, or pain, you must experience them. Your brain must process them and then your mind must accept them. Your mind cannot simply accept everything it is given from the brain, because your brain can produce tainted images. Think of a traveler meandering through a desert. Just short of the horizon he sees – or so he thinks – a beautiful tropical oasis. Because he is hungry, weak and in need of nourishment his brain tells him to walk toward the oasis. Of course, as he nears the perceived oasis, he realizes that what he saw was nothing but a figment of his imagination. A scientific explanation: the refraction of light. A Cartesian explanation: trickery of the mind by an outside power. Either way the mind is not capable of realizing its own deception.

This being said, I believe that the mind must have a causal relationship with the brain, and thus the body. This assumption is critical to the belief that people act out of emotion. What I struggle with is the attempt to define mind. I do not fancy myself a dualist; I do not believe that the mind exists distinctly from the brain. How, then, does the mind exist with the brain? I wrestle with this. Could the brain simply be the physical manifestation of the nonphysical mind? Why have our studies of the brain not explained how our brain processes emotion? If they have, then why do we still have discussions with dualists? Is it conceivable that the mind and the brain are distinct? I don't think so. But then again, can we say that emotions do exist physically? I cannot do that either.

For now I am left at a loss.

Absolutely, I believe:

People behave based on emotion, and
emotions are nonphysical. Therefore
The mind must have a causal relationship with the body

It appears that the mind should exist, and it should be distinct from the brain. I do not believe that the mind exists outside of the brain, so the connection is what puzzles me. I will continue to meditate on it, and hopefully come up with a satisfactory answer.

2011-09-21T12:08:00.001-07:00

Can hootsuite update my blog too?

It's Been a While

2011-09-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, it's been a long time.
Part of lack is a lack of significant creativity on my part, and part of that is the fact that I've been busy from 10am to 10pm basically everyday since I've returned to school, and I haven't had the time to sit down and write.

Right now I find myself sitting idle with a rare 20 minutes to myself before I head off to work in the Computer Lab at my school. I'm in the library, and the guy sitting two seats to my left is wearing a t-shirt with a v neck that is just a little too deep, and a touch too much cologne (I can smell him from here).

It's a beautiful warm New England afternoon. A nice break from the cold, dreary weather the past couple of days. And I don't just mean the weather. A close friend of mine had a close call on the weekend when he drank too much, and had to go to the hospital.. That put a dampener on things.

To some of the things that I've been thinking about lately:

Facebook changed its look (again) today. Everybody seems to hate it. I don't remember the last time that the ever-evolving social network made a change that was actually met with gratitude and not disdain. Unless the appreciate crowd is just a little quieter these days..

Windows 8 is slated to release by Q4 2012, which is really exciting to a tech-nut like myself. It's supposed to run on various platforms (phones, tablets, PCs) and -- if successful -- could really streamline the way we process and synthesize information (the way Facebook keeps trying to).

On the psychological side -- those who know me know I probably think more than I should -- I've been doing a lot of analysis recently on body language and the relationship between facial, body, and verbal language. It's fascinating. There's another book I've had my eye on for a while that I plan on getting around to reading if I ever get some more free time. I'll try to let you know about it.

There. I think that ought to make up for some missed time :)

C:
Oh, and here:

Mean People Suck!

2011-08-21T15:48:00.000-07:00

That's what the bumper sticker said as I drove past an old teal green chevy cavalier with an Alberta license plate.
"Great," I thought, "another old lady mad at the world."

When I was directly beside the vehicle I looked over to confirm my suspicion. I could not have been more wrong. Sitting in the driver's seat of the small car was a young, pretty girl with blonde hair back in a loose pony tail, mouthing words to a song that must have been playing on her radio. She beamed with happiness.

A warm feeling came over me, and as I drove past and saw the little green car disappear in my rear view mirror I thought, "Mean people do suck. Why isn't everyone that happy?" I turned the radio up in my car just a little bit louder and smiled as I began singing along with "Carried Away" by Chad Brownlee -- a song that I have included here for your listening pleasure. Even if you aren't happy - look it. It will make those around you happier and infinitely more comfortable with your company. Nobody likes a gloomy person. Act happy and you will become happy. Just smile for a few seconds and see how much better you feel!

Pass it along and maybe,
just for one day,
we could all get a little
carried away

C:)

Gotta Love a Country Girl

2011-08-08T22:03:00.000-07:00

Bros

2011-07-30T16:56:00.000-07:00

Easy.

I couldn't stop myself from cracking a smile and actually shaking my head today as I left a subway restaurant with my tasty (although somewhat disappointing) lunch. As I exited the automatic doors I saw two young guys crossing the street ahead of me to enter the Home Depot home improvement store.

Normally -- not a big deal. Two dudes walking into a home improvement store to buy some hardware to do some man things. But these were not two ordinary dudes. Oh no. They were fresh, yo.

Both of them were wearing lax pinnies that were just one size too small, one had a turned back flat-brim baseball cap, and both had on RayBan shades. What a couple of bros. I was half expecting some sort of trashy dubstep club music to start playing as they crossed my path.

I can't believe that they can actually use a power tool, let alone pick one out at a Home Depot.

Then again, maybe they were just going to the garden center :)

Welcome

2011-07-29T22:45:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! Welcome to my new blog.

I too have given in to the idea that Google is going to take over the world, and when it does, I want to be there with the 'in' crowd. I am transferring my blog over from wordpress to this site.

I hope you all like the new layout. I picked it quickly, but it was clean, calm, and happy. The way it should be. I seem to always fall into the habit of saying that I'm going to start posting more, and soon I swear I will start posting more. I want to share my thoughts, my ideas, and some of the things that make me smile with all of you.

Whether you are a returning veteran of mine or a fresh noob to my small part of the blogosphere, welcome! I hope we can get to know each other a little better.

C.