Me, Myself And I.

2019-03-30T05:01:00.002+08:00

As You Cross Over To The Other Side

As you cross over to the other side, follow the light at the end of the tunnel. The next dimension is where you can find your destination, paint the world there with different colors, dance with the chirping of the birds, smell the flowers and bask under the rays of the sun. Don’t hesitate to revel in its glory, because that paradise is yours now.

Don't worry about your family, they are now working hard in fulfilling your dreams for you, they have sacrificed their personal time to run your dream business. Each day may be a challenge, even when the odds are stacked before them, the seemingly impossible is now possible because they have already your vision, so don't worry KKR, we will get there!. One day, you will be smiling looking upon them, because they have finally built the paradise here for you.

Don't worry about Pat, she is a brave girl and I'm sure you want her to continue living her dreams. You will always be a part of her, and even if the time comes that she will find someone new, just be glad that you once found a paradise in her.

Don't worry about your friends, they will always treasure you. They will always speak just good things about you because you were such an amazing friend to them! You have been tattooed on their bodies, literally, but I know, more than those colored skins, you are permanently inked in their hearts. Rejoice on that, because they have loved you more ways than one. And that KKR is already a paradise.

I know that you wanted to build a paradise here for your family, but unfortunately, some people took that chance away from you. Don't worry KKR, the paradise that you have always dreamt of have manifested in the way your family and friends love you. I saw that in their eyes, I felt that in the sacredness of their tears and that KKR is already a paradise.

Your perpetrators may be roaming free now, still unidentified, no authorities would want to make it easy for us, but don’t worry KKR, they will never have peace now and hereafter and that is no paradise!

We will never get over your loss, but don't worry KKR, we will find ways to cope each day. The strength we need in this journey can already be found in our hearts and we just have to get out there, keep moving forward and make our lives just as you wished them to be. That strength was what we found right there in YOU! All we have to do is draw deep within and use that source of power to rebuild our lives. We are a strong clan, remember that. That’s our own paradise!

So rest easy KKR, go follow the light and say hello to Lolo Juanito and Uncles Boyet and Joey for me. May your soul be finally at peace.

Is Death the Enemy?

2017-11-05T11:21:00.000+08:00

We all die, thats inevitable. Our journey in life will always have its ending, its up to us how to generate the plot to make it a unique story and leave the ending memorable. However, I also believe that there are life stories that are cut without notice, not that theirs werent interesting, but somehow their deaths made a side story of one's life story.

My brother's life story has ended two years ago, 43 years worth was cut short by body malfunctions - he may have been downed by his physical body but his spirit continue to dwell in our lives. His death was our enemy. Believe me, the pain is undeniably real up to this day. His death became my biggest nightmare, it has largely inoculated to the strangeness of what we call LIFE. Death is difficult whether sudden or not, it will always take out a piece from the equation of being WHOLE. Pieces of you will shatter to bits and there is just no way to put them perfectly together. There is that empty hole always. ALWAYS!

I welcome death, I just hope it comes on my own terms. If it literally steals my breath away while I am peacefully asleep, I am fine with it. If cardiac arrest is so strong, I die upon collapsing, I am fine with it. If death comes when my son has full concept of life and death and knows how to deal with it, Im fine with it. Seriously, I am fine with it if it happens to me. Im not afraid of death, I am only afraid for the people being left behind because I have been there, I am IN there now. Death is such a strong enemy, no way of escaping it however how hard you try, it is REAL!

But death is also a BELIEVER's friend. It is coming home to our creator. It is the final destination where peace finally settles in, It is heaven. Surreal as it may sound, but isnt it where we are all headed? Death is our restoration, our redeeming moment. The only factor that we consider it our enemy is that we who will remain will grieve, but those who will pass on wont.

The nagging question is, how do we know if the soul of our departed has reached its final resting place? Is there a sneak peek for that, or a short trailer? No we dont. How about those lives who has lived a chaotic one and was called by death catchers? Will they ever find their way to heaven? Do they have the chance to amend their ways? I dont have answers to that, do you? We are just left to wonder, but deep inside we are assured they are not at peace, eternally.

I miss my brother, today is his 2nd death anniversary, it seems too long already, Bearing the pain is a struggle, but this is life and we just have to accept it and try to move on. As I have said before, we will never get over it but we just learn how to cope.

As what Beric Dondarrion said in GOT 7: "Life. Death is the enemy. The first enemy and the last."

I guess that says it all... I miss you little brother, always!

You Don't Love Me

2017-10-13T22:07:00.001+08:00

You don't love me, I know.
Even if you tell me a hundred times that you do, I know you don't.
Sad, but that's what I know to be true.
Even if you negate my statement, your eyes say otherwise, and that's when I know.
Your eyes speak a lot of pain, sorrow so deep that love got buried down with it.
You may not know how to feel it anymore but you act like you do.
Sadness is deep seated within you, and in every pinch, love goes away from you.
The wrinkles around your eyes are strands of unhappiness that has enveloped your whole being.
Every line is an evidence of every tear, of every sleepless and restless nights.

I don't blame you, your life is who you are and who you would have been is a different story.
I wish I knew the other side of you, the one who could dream big.
The one who would welcome the good things out of the most painful ones.
Wake that side of you, please.
You are missing a lot because you thought life has been hard on you.
Did you ask yourself if you have been easy on life?
I don't think you have taken to appreciate the picture outside the hell hole that you thought you will always be at.
Go out, smell the air as it blows toward the sea.
Explore the possibilities of happy thinking.
Let it unfold before you the way it should.
Do not force life to die on you...you are the only one who has to steer your ship...not me...not anyone.
And when you can finally navigate your life towards your true north, maybe, just maybe, you will learn to love.
And maybe, just maybe, you will set your eyes on me...and maybe, just maybe, I will still be there.

You don't love me, I know....but let me love you now..
Let me help you rise the sails with my stronger heart.
And when you are sailing on the high seas, let the sun kiss your soul.
Let that ray of sunlight be the reason for you to smile, let me be that sunlight.
Let me see the good side in you, and if I get lucky, the best in you will finally show.
And maybe, just maybe, I will love you more.

Those eyes, let me see them smile.
Let loose, embrace life with open arms, because you are not alone in your pain.
Embrace the pain, it will liberate you in the end.
And even if you cant love me, your smile will do it for you.
Because when you can be truly happy, that's when I can tell myself I really did love you well.
Add more lines to your eyes, lines that would say you have smiled already.
When that time comes, do not love me, love yourself.
You don't owe me anything, but you owe YOU!

You don't love me, I know...but I am perfectly fine!
You don't and will never love me, don't worry, I will still shine.
Just love yourself, that's for the best!

So love me not please!

The Promise

2017-07-03T12:47:00.001+08:00

Watching the movie "Connected", a 2008 Chinese film led me to my blog page. This is one of those nights that I contemplate on things, this is one of those nights I like to write....and thank God, I have this night!!!

This is just one of those lazy Sundays when all I do is, well, LAZE around my small room. I spent the entire day watching movies while finishing my online work. As I was about to hit the sack, this movie featured in a local channel came on with a very interesting opening scene, so I stayed up to see where it goes. It was dubbed in the native tongue in accordance to Pinoy-taste so I was half-listening and half-watching it as I was trying to get some sleep. But the scenes that were evolving before my eyes stopped me from doing so. I ended up finishing the movie and writing this blog. Amen to that!

Anyways, the movie is about Bob, a single father who is always short of delivering his promises to his son. This time, his son is about to migrate to Australia with the aunt. On his way to the airport to meet his son for the last time, he received a random call from Grace, a woman who claimed to be kidnapped and in dire need of his help. What ensued after the call were non-stop action and plenty of phone conversations between the kidnapped woman and the accidental hero. In one of Bob's phone call to Grace, he told the latter to tell his son that whatever happens to him in this mess, that at least he has one thing he finished. If he failed his son many times, at least he didnt fail helping someone. But of course, the good always prevails, so in the end the kidnapper was captured and Bob was reunited with his son thereby fulfilling his much awaited promise!!

Why is a promise so important to be fulfilled? Is it because a promise speaks of your character? Is keeping a promise equates with keeping one's reputation?

Never promise to do something if you have no intent in keeping it. As relationships grow, maintaining it to be a meaningful one will never be easy because expectations are higher and more complex. How many you failed to do and how you handle it when you do is the key to understanding yourself and others. Building trust takes time, it is the foundation and a requirement for obtaining deeper engagement, but breaking it only takes one broken promise. Just one! That one broken promise if repeated creates a crack and eventually shatters, the pieces then become too hard to put together. We learn to trust someone because their character is transparent in their actions and while it cannot be assumed or bought, it is certainly valued. Once a promise is broken, the person who expects to receive it feels invaluable, then insecurity starts creeping in. When we can't keep a promise to someone who thinks highly of us, it communicates to that person that we don't value him or her. If we chose to put something else ahead of our commitment, it means that something else is more important. Threatening fissures develop in our relationships marked by broken promises may it be big or small. It breaches the trust. What is crucial is that if trust is undermined, it erodes. Kept promises strengthen a relationship, whatever it may be, but if broken, it diminishes one's reputation and sets a stage for a long and impossible road of redemption.

Bob's character in the movie seems to be a lousy one, not until he had his heart set to make his son believe in him again. He is on that long road of redemption and while it was quite impossible for him to finish the line, he tried with all his limbs and bones to make it, and he did. Lucky for him, really! But seriously, when Bob kept failing, he was not a welcome sight in the eyes of his son. The painful reality is clear, his son hesitated in trusting him again.

It is absolutely true that it is hard to trust a person who keeps breaking his/her promise. It can hurt people. On the other side, when we are sending the message of tarnished reputation to the people we failed , we are actually telling ourselves that we don't value our own word. We think it is not a big deal to let someone down, saying something we don't really mean, or failing to do what we promised we would. Wrong! Not keeping a promise is the same as scorning oneself. In the end, it can brign great damage to our self worth, confidence, character and our life. So keep your promise, be true to your word!!

"A promise is a promise. Some folks apply a rating scale, believing that breaking a big promise is inexcusable, while a small one is acceptable. That’s simply false. While breaking a big promise, such as failing to repay borrowed money, can torpedo a relationship, reneging on promises, such as being on time, casts doubt on future behavior." ~~franksonnenberg

2017-06-22T16:42:00.000+08:00

How do you move forward?

I've had my share of pains in life. My heart has been broken so many times by people who let me down in more ways than one but that is too small a pain compared to losing our immediate loved ones. I have lost my father more than 2 decades ago, yet the pain is still very real. In 2015 I lost two brothers, I lost both of them just 3 months apart, the older one died in July and our youngest died in November, and they are the only brothers that I have. I am orphaned , in the "brotherly" sense. How can I move forward without them?

My father and two brothers went to heaven the same way...very sudden, very quick. I know people would tell me they are now in a better place...I can deal with that. What Im struggling at is dealing with the reality that they are no longer here, that I cannot and will never have the chance to grow old with them, or see them smile or just live in the thought that they are just around and that Christmases and other holidays would mean seeing them again. I may be too childish to even think of myself at this time, but tell me, how can you really truly move on?

I regard my father as my biggest hero. I have always looked up to him. He was not perfect, he had his flaws, he was very strict even, but it is in him that I see the goodness inside a person's heart. My father was quick to trust, too trusting that was always betrayed by his friends and relatives over money he has readily loaned them in time of their need. Money that was never returned to him, yet he just continued to help others, and shared what he had on his plate. Always. He had a big HEART. He never TAUGHT us anything, but he SHOWED us everything. He walked his talk. How can I live without his example?

Up to this day, whenever someone or something causes me pain, I call on him next to God. Whenever I cry for help, I call my father. After every teardrop while thinking of my father, I just rest on the thought that he has always protected and comforted me even from heaven. I miss him everyday, every single day!! There are times when more than one emotion seems to take hold at once, and I feel as if I'm “going crazy.” Is it natural to feel this way, is it normal to experience a number of different feelings at once?

It was hard moving forward without a father, how much more losing both your brothers at the same time? It is excruciatingly painful, it is just not the same. The saying that death is a heartache no one can heal is suddenly exploding in front of me. The reality of it all hurts a lot!The reality is that you will grieve forever! I dont think I will ever get over it, I have not forgotten the pain but I have to live with it!

How can I rebuild life without them? How can I free myself from the emotional dungeon that has consequently built up? My father died even before I conceived Zach. Too bad for Zach, I know. My elder brother died even before he could finally see his daughter Ivy come back to us for good. My younger brother died even before his eldest can graduate high school. How can one celebrate when the person you dedicate the occasion to is not there to partner toast with you? How back-to-normal is normal?

I have a million questions, yet no book has explained it fully well to me. I guess, There is no magical clock that counts the pain and ticks last time to end it, if there is such a thing, I will buy a bunch for all those hurting like me. While I still find reasons, I will go on living my life thinking they are walking beside me. Even if they are unseen and unheard, the memories I have with them are too vivid and flashing loud in my sleep. Their spirits will live with me forever.

I finished this on June 18, 2017, in memory of my father Juanito, my bothers Ireneo (Boyet) and Juanito, Jr. (Joey). Happy Father's to you!!

Sexuality - is it just a CONCEPT?

2012-10-25T11:41:00.001+08:00

These thoughts have been on my mind for days, so I better write it down.... I love LIFe and I love to have FUN, so in the years of my existence (hmmm...28 as of last count? haha)I have met all breed (whattaterm!) of people. I was once had a group of friends who were addicted to Nubain, friends whose jobs or morals are questionable and friends whose gender preference are on the third plane. All the same, they matter to me not because of their stature in life, but because of how they treat me as a person. So why do these people tick? These people have their own right to be special even if society would label them as otherwise. Addicts are people who are going through a lot of pain and what they need is not judgmental looks but a caring heart. Those people who live in immorality and who take odd jobs are struggling, they do this out of blinded love and hardship respectively, so we must understand them all the more. For those people who go for same sex relationships or who prefers to deviate from what the norm is, they are still PEOPLE - they are not aliens that we should fear. They have the same anatomy as we do 'STRAIGHT' people have - same with addicts and red district people. We are all humans, we are all capable of sinning...all of US! It doesnt make them less of a person if they chose what they did on their lives. Seriously simple. Speaking for myself, I have always constant encounters with gay people - they make me laugh, their talents are better than mine (if we should count what is expected from a woman) and they are so much FUN to be with! Only very recently that I've had the chance to see the other side of the fence up close and personal- and that is the "LES" world. I am sorry for the label, but I dont know how to emphasize my point the other way. As I got to know not only one but a bunch of them at once, they have opened a new door for me to view and that is how they live! That they are capable of so much love, capable of getting hurt and capable of LIVING! It gave me a realization that indeed we are just EQUALS - they can be better at one thing and inferior on the other - nothing more nothing less. I seem to have forgotten that in some areas of their lives they struggle more as compared to "straight" people. If acceptance is readily available, this blog would have not been conceived in the first place. Take for example in getting into relationship, a lisbo have "MEN" as rivals - if a girl is not leaning towards widening her horizon - she would go for the male and not for the lisbo. Have you noticed that for the 3rd sex, love is usually equated with money? If we see a a gay couple, we always have that question in our mind on how they were able to hook up? The malice thought linger and then we judge them, not until we get to know them and understand the situation they are in. But how soon do we befriend them each time we see one? Now who can say that we are better than them? Depiction of these people in the society convey that at large they have been simultaneously in collusion and threatened by the dispute of gender roles, and the society are either fascinated or appalled with women who are romantically involved with other women. Women who assume a "third sex" identity witness actuality that form an outlook relative to an ethnic or olden tribe: as who they are, they are bonded by the scrutiny and potential rejection they constantly face from their families, friends, and the society as a whole. Discrimination is felt in the work environment, political arena and even in the inner circle of the family. Why? Because our hypocrite life led us to form that CONCEPT - and remains so because the society tell us so. These are hard words to write because each word pinches the guilt out of me. Guilt of not seeing it earlier, and guilt of being one of the rest of the society to have formed that CONCEPT! I want to acknowledge my friends for who they really are, straight or not. I dont want to be foundering in the torrent of their change nor give myself a right to resist it. As Ive said earlier, we are all humans and we are all EQUALS - whatever their sex preference is, they still deserve to be HAPPY..and acceptance is one of the keys. I salute them for their courage to come out and stand for what they believe in, they are not just the THIRD sex, but I think they are the BRAVEST of us all. Now, who are you to judge them? Think again! "One thing is clear to me, we, as human beings, must be willing to accept people who are different from ourselves." --- Barbara Jordan

God's Promise + Waterway

2012-05-05T01:43:00.000+08:00

She is named after a waterway with a local tongue reference to spirit, soul or thought. She is petite in height but not so in built. :-) She is funny and reserved at the same time. Easy to converse with yet full of tact. Childish yet responsible. Pretty yet very simple. Her first name is a variant of the Hebrew name Elizabeth which means "God's promise" and indeed she is!

She is someone that you can pour your heart out to yet still have that secured feeling that your privacy was not invaded. She is a type of a friend who would tell you head on the gist of the matter, without if's and but's yet would tackle the issue with you. She is generous with her appreciation and with her laughter. She could rant a mile in a second and be fine in the next hour. She is 'away' when she is not, and really "offline" when she is not supposed to be. My pet names for her are "girl" and "ganda", seldom do I call her by her waterway name unless in the formal chatroom. Consider yourself a very lucky person if you get a reply for SMS sent, and extremely blessed one if she picks up when you call....Oh well, I have been lucky a few times.... She is an avid fan of Silvannas....the reason I gave her two boxes and only one to others... She is a bed hog...and all the while I thought I hold the crown to that. She is always filtering information that for months I never knew her real marital status nor her motherhood experience. While I talk a bulk of Zach stories, she never hinted anything about her kiddos.....her reason - I didnt ask! She is yet to tour me around in her pretty small car...and she is yet to invite me to the resto she co-owns with her hubby and brothers. She goes to her mother's house on weekends, knows Comic Alley very well and plays that game I couldnt even pronounce the name. We like to have coffee session both in our virtual and real life worlds. Our left hand is holding the mug, and the right one is well....holding the bad habit... She is not easy to befriend...but easy to have giggles with... She is my budding travel mate...and a sleeping buddy at that! We have gone here and there.....climbed the peak and went down the falls...mesmerized by the century old and dazed by the rough.. Amidst this chaotic world, she is one sight to behold..and indeed a promise sent by the Heavens... That's Isabelle Diwa for me, my virtual friend...unmasked!

If there were dreams to sell, what would you buy?

2012-05-01T02:48:00.001+08:00

My day began badly today and the more I tried to project my sadness, the deeper the pain lingered. I think there will always come a time to motherhood when a child's love towards her parent is measured. This is one of those times. I havent spoken to my ONLY child in almost a month. In those weeks of being incommunicado from him, there was never a day that I did not pray for more strength. I may look tough and hard as shell on the outside, but no one really knows how I suffer inside. I am one person who doesnt dwell too much on sadness so I help myself by emulating Peter Pan. I have a sackful of happy thoughts - ranging from a favorite song, favorite person, favorite adventure..and whatever thought that brought smiles to me. Those are my reliable ammos to shred the pain to bits and pieces.....and yes, it always worked! Today, I needed lots of happy thoughts. I was in my office when this urge to scream and just plainly curse enveloped me. It was damn hard to contain it as I was telling a friend of mine that my heart was just about to explode and that I needed a place to release my anger. She advised me to go home, I refused and readied myself to face it head on. One thing that is always a sure antidote to my woes is music. I have compilations of my favorite songs and when it began to dominate the air, I started to calm down. And then I went to sleep with my happy thoughts with me. I went back to the time when my Dad was still alive, I pictured the smile across his face when he would throw each one of us to the pool - a classic Sunday scenario for the family. That took away half of the pain instantly! I thought about the people who matter to me, why they matter and why I want to matter to them. Every little thought about them added more smiles to me and lesser pain by the minute. Then I finally succumbed to ZZZZZZ land and I was at peace. A gentle hand was trying to wake me up after just few minutes of dozing off....it was Zach. It took me by surprise seeing him in my office after he uttered the words "I dont ever want to talk to you again" 3 weeks back. It took me the second time to open my eyes to realize that indeed it was my prodigal son. He kept saying "sorry" while hugging me tight at the same time. I didnt speak a word and was just looking at him, trying to figure what changed in him physically in the last few weeks that I havent seen him. Oh, that's the mother nature in me that prodded me to do that, not in any way connected to why we had this rift too long.... I am not a nagging type mother, or a woman for that matter. I just asked him why he changed his number without telling me and he was very patient enough to explain why. After that, I went back to sleep - again with more happy thoughts to think about while Zach went to my desk and tinkered with my lappie. While I was trying to catch back the ZZZs that by now were very elusive, I began to daydream of beautiful things. And this is why I borrowed the words of Thomas Lovell Beddoes. So if there were dreams to sell, what would you buy? I want nothing of the grand things, I just want the small things that matter most to me. I dream BIG, not only for myself but for others as well. I would buy my son the gift of LOVE. The LOVE that he can arm himself until his old age, the love that can melt away the pain, and endure the stigma of having separated parents. I would definitely buy him that! I would buy my less privileged friends the gift of RESOURCE, so that when there is patchwork needed to be done in their financial situation, they need not run sweating to look for it in the dark. I would buy the people with so much EGO a GOLDEN PIN to punch a hole to their heads when it gets too big that even them cannot handle it well. I would buy plenty of such as there are many bloated egos roaming around. I would definitely buy a friend of MINE the gift of STABILITY to secure his status, his ambitions, his work and his life in general. I would buy two of that for him so that when all else fail, he has something to help him stand up again. I would like to buy the gift of GAB to my dearest one so that he can speak with kindness, speak the right words at the right time and speak the words that could make him proud of himself. I would buy three of that, one for happiness, one for contentment and one for peace. In all those three, I would like him to buy the gift of JOY for himself so that he can finally go home to his true NORTH. What would I buy for myself? I just want the most simple thing: I want to buy myself the dream of LIFE lived TRULY. I dont need anything, I just want the affirmation at the end of my journey that these will be the words that I will hear from the people who celebrated my life with me, if I could borrow the words of Amy Grant: I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world But thats alright as long as I can have one wish, I pray When people look inside my life, I wanna hear them say She's got her father's eyes Her father's eyes Eyes that find the good in things When good is not around Eyes that find the source of help, when help just can't be found Eyes full of compassion, seein' every pain Knowing what you're going through, and feelin' it the same Just like my father's eyes.... How about you? What are the dreams you want to buy?

Virtually Unfolded

2012-04-30T01:44:00.000+08:00

Having an online work would also mean running in circle of virtual friends, and that’s what I have since the past year that I have gone full blast in this so-called the web life. Having considered with you the question of what kind of personas dominate the zone, they are varied in sizes, smiles, words and all but I would say it matters not and to some degree it does. The only thing that matters the most is how fast and accurate you could type to make the conversation flowing and interesting. You see, the backbone of a person’s character cannot be well defined in the virtual community, because handshakes can be just graphically done through the emoticons and laughing out loud can be just a simple LOL. Sometimes, the web jargon can easily be interpreted as all hype, no emotions, no bonds, no real friendships. The language spoken has its own interpretation and meaning, just like the twittering or warbling of a bird, very distinct and very different. Some say that virtual is well just virtual….it is just surreal! But in my case, that’s far from the truth. I did form friendships…and a close one at that. And if you ask me if it is worth the faded keyboard and the calloused palm base, I would answer YES outright without a doubt! To this day, I am still a firm believer of the word “fate”. That fate comes in different packages, may it be small or gigantic, the experiences that you will encounter in life is your destiny and that you don’t only follow it but you also own it. You life is already packaged exactly the way you steer it and it is up to you to upgrade it or to leave it the way it is. And for some reason, I am one who pursues hard to see what’s behind the gesture of a small talk or kindness. I see people as unique creation other than my own and I treat friendships as wonderful treasures, including the ones I just formed. That is why I don’t let an opportunity pass by to get to meet in person the very people that keep me sane and insane at the same time amidst the call of la la la land when I am burning hours to finish work online. These are the very people that run in my virtual world and later dwell permanently in my real world. I have met and fathomed many personalities all throughout my existence, most of them stayed beyond years unthinkable, and some of them chose the life without me…but for those who stayed and have put up with me, I thank them beyond the word of gratuity. I am proud to have them…and in this very rare case of having a virtual world, I have extra special words for them. Unfolded before my very eyes is the subtle yet felt way of caring of Isabelle or Diwa as we fondly call her. She may filter much of her personal information but readily opens up when given the opportunity. We act as shock absorbers to each other, I could rant my heart out to her and vice versa. But in between those pouring out moments we know our relationship is not only confined to the face of the screen in front of us. I treat her as my younger sister though most of the time I act the other way around as she could just give me those timely advises I desperately need. That’s Diwa for me, the pretty little girl who drive s a pretty little car. 

Next closest to my heart is Glen, my virtual “lolo”, the solo backpacker from Davao cum Afghan war remnant cum HR specialist. I just started having conversation with him about work and ended having a lot of LOL moments. I like chatting with him as we can express ourselves in our native dialect, it makes the scandal more scandalous and gossips much magnified.  There was never a day that we didn’t get to talk about the candidates, the funny messages or irritating messages we get from them and what not? Then when we are both satisfied with our work output, we celebrate it with NAICHA! That’s Glenn for me, the only person who took my tantrums as just a girl thingy!

The first person I met first among my virtual family is Claire, the small, poetic girl from Davao who takes HR job so seriously that when her candidates fall short of the score threshold, she would die a little bit inside. She gave me another perspective when it comes to writing, she writes more sense than me, but I interject another facet of reality to her protected life that made us good friends even if she already left the recruitment team. That’s Claire for me, the girl who still believes in the sincerity of sending Christmas cards through snail mail.

Next person I had a chance to know more is Jo, my inviter buddy. She believes in toeing the line all the time. She never strayed from what is the norm and though we do see things differently, we always agree to give the best output as a team and that made things easy for us. After 3 small cups of Starbucks refillable water and a tall glass of iced tea, I got to learn the other side of Jo, and that is our similarities in our single blessedness. That is Jo for me, the woman who prefers fresh air from the farm rather than the excruciating heat in the city. The one guy who I don’t talk much on chat but got to know in person is Kyle. He looked more mature in his picture than in person, and I am glad I saw that in him as I would forever wonder if we are of the same age just basing my opinion on the virtual things I see.  I admire him for helping himself take out the bad habit of smoking from his system. I hope I can use him as my model to do the same. Funny thing is when he was smoking his e-cig inside the coffee shop, my foot was raring to kick his ass off because of envy, good thing they agreed to go out to give me the chance to smoke real filtered cigarettes. Oh for now, I prefer the odd taste of my Marlboro reds.  That’s Kyle for me, the baby in the family but has the same habits as his older virtual sibs. 

Next guy I took the chance to meet in person is Bingo, but I prefer calling him by his real name: Modesto. Given the fact that he is half Korean and half Filipino, I would like to see him more Filipino in his ways and calling him Modesto would sound more nationalistic, right? Bingo is one recruitment team member who gives sunshiny thoughts to your gloomy morning when he would paste senseless but thoughtful messages in the chatroom. Whatever you tell him to do, he would readily say yes although it doesn’t mean he would do it right away.  I had the privilege to stamp a milestone achievement to my life when he introduced me to Korean drink SOJU. It tested my alcohol intake capacity and when I was already seeing doubles, he was gracious enough to take me to the nearest Starbucks. Thanks to him for bringing me to that Korean bar which name he cant remember even if he always frequented the place.  That’s Bingo for me, unpredictable and loud yet funny and sensible inside. The last person I am going to talk about is our Recruitment Team Manager Angel who acts as a glue that holds us strong as a sourcing department. She speaks impeccable English, very polished and very fluent. I admire her for handling us all with grace though sometimes we don’t know if we should befriend her or just plainly fear her.  When I met her in person, I realized that I could just be myself with her, and that I could talk about things the way HUMAN BEINGS do. Not only that she gave us the chance to have a time to bond with each other, she also shared part of her with us openly and that is one precious memory I would always cherish about her. That’s Angel for me, fierce yet friendly. 

In this life, the opportunities you have to be a friend to someone else will always be there. It could happen while in line in a grocery store or while having your hair done in a parlor. Take those chances, because the life you share with other people is the testimony of the life you have lived. In every person that you touch base with, you will always have something you can teach or learn. Friendship is just like any other relationship, you need to keep it constantly nurtured so it would grow healthy and sound along with your character and outlook in life. I am thankful that even if my life revolves around the virtual world, I do still have opened doors to make friends, and the people I mention above are just few of them. One friend of mine commented that since I became full time with my online job I became anti-social, he just doesn’t know that the party never ends in the virtual world.  Pizza and beer can be ordered in just few clicks and laughs can be rolling over the floor or just simply laughing out loud.

That’s my virtual family for me, seems like just an imagination but so REAL to me!

Extremely Close & Incredibly Loud

2012-03-25T06:33:00.004+08:00

You might be wondering what the title is about, it somehow sounds familiar but not perfectly correct? In fact, you are quite right with your confusion, because this entry is actually about the movie "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" only that I interchanged the two words...and here's why:

I saw the title of this movie when I was searching for something to download but didnt mind it because the title itself sounds weird...but one day, while I was on Skype, one former applicant from my online job popped this conversation saying "hey, there's this movie I want you to watch". The curiosity in me readily jumped to the suggestion and found my way downloading the same. Well,it has been sitting in my downloads folder for few days before I got the chance to watch it. The first time was a disaster as I fell asleep even when it was just starting.. and finally today, I watched it.

Gee, I couldnt be more glad that I came to my senses to finally do it despite knowing that I would lose some sleep just to be able to finish it. ( Watched it after logging out from my online job.....to be exact 4am)

The movie is about a boy (Oskar)who lost his father in 9/11. There was this key that he found in his Dad's closet with a word "BLACK" outside the small envelope where it was kept. That put him on a journey to find anyone surnamed "Black" and also the start of discovering more things about the people around him , strangers and even about himself. The little boy is a thinking machine, quite smart but has the usual tantrums that all kids do at his age. While searching for the lock that would pair to the key he was holding, he felt he was moving closer to his father but further away from his mom. The movie not only depicted how someone could react to losing someone so dear, but evidently, it tackled how a BOY could exactly feel knowing that someone is never coming back.

The movie focused on the young boy's thoughts and feelings, so it was more in narration and you really have to listen to every word as not to stray from its flow. The scenes between the young boy and his grandfather proved to be so carefully calculated as it was never established that they were related but then the "unusual" conversations between them could not let you hold back your tears as you would then realize in your thoughts that they are both suffering.

Towards the end of the movie, I couldnt help crying especially during the scene when Oskar finally had the answer to the key mystery. When he dashed out from the building into the train and was seen really drained from all the emotional coaster ride of his search, I wanted to give the boy a HUG! It was a huge thing, and placing myself in his shoes, I think I would react much worse than him. Knowing that your search is finally over but at the back of your mind, you knew that it was not the way you wanted it to be - it is really something to drain your spirit whole.

The scene when he was hysterical and his Mom had to appease him also used up both tissue and energy in me. It must have been hard for the mother to hear his child saying something like "I wish it was you there in the building on that day" during one of their shouting matches. But during that time when Oskar poured out his emotions to his mother, only then he knew that his mother was with him in his journey.

There were mixed reviews on this movie, but I would lean to the ones who gave a thumbs up sign because the movie moved me bigtime and even if it gave me salty tears or fictitious revelations, still it gave me new learnings. I would not ever regret watching a movie that would give me some thoughts to ponder upon and some time alone for me to reflect on how I have lived my life whatever my age may be. But most of all, I liked the movie because it brought the memories of my father real again. I reminisce the time the whole family would be swamped in the car and head to the beach, the time I had an argument with my father about the Bible, the time he bought me the Yukele and all other things about who he was and how he has made impact to my life and how I have lived to be still missing him until now.

If you have lost a parent, maybe you would understand what Im saying and maybe then, the movie will make sense just when you thought it wont.

Now I dont need to explain further about the movie, just watch the rest and figure it out to yourself if we share the same sentiments, but then I must let you know why I came up with this twisted title of this entry...well here it is:

I watched the movie at wee hour at exactly 4am when everyone were asleep in the apartment Im sharing with some friends. The laptop is placed on a stool EXTREMELY CLOSE to my bed and the earphones plugged to it that made the audio INCREDIBLY LOUD!

Let me leave you these lines from the book where this movie was lifted from:

“So many people enter and leave your life! Hundreds of thousands of people! You have to keep the door open so they can come in! But it also means you have to let them go!”
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Bye for now and see you at the movies!!!

When THINGS turn SOUR, just add SUGAR!

2012-01-23T23:27:00.002+08:00

There will always be rough patches in one's journey. Things happen, all we have to do is face it and live it. I recently received a new job offer that would mean relocation. It was something I wanted to explore - new surroundings, new boss, new kind of work - in short, NEW LIFE! But then, at the back of my mind, there was this hesitation, and when hesitation lingers, it becomes a dilemma.

I have decided to test the waters, meet my would-be-employer and see how it goes. So I booked a flight to Manila and prepared myself for a possible exploratory talk. My companion was the one who actually offered me this job for this employer - promises of bigger pay, commissions and travel meant a great deal to me plus the fact that I would be uprooted from the island which I called "home" for the last 10 years of my life.

First day came easy, our hostess graciously lent one unit of her condo for us to stay in. We were in a high-rise building, safe neighborhood, posh malls and most of all - we were treated to sumptuous meals. But that only lasted for a day...apparently, my hostess cared so much for her privacy that I am not permitted to meet friends while Im in her care. This was okay for me, except that she didnt tell us ahead of her rules, so when she learned that a girl friend of mine came to visit, she freaked out. That triggered the alarm...I could not have an employer who could not TRUST me. We were on different floors - in fact we took different elevators to reach our respective condo units...so I dont find any logic that she would not allow me to have friends over when in fact, there is only a remote possibility that they would cross paths. But since those are her rules, I have to live by it...and above it all, she owns the unit, so I had no right to mess with her rules. The problem is that she offered that unit for me if I accept the offer, so that makes it complicated. I decided right there and then that I want my FREEDOM more than I want FAT PAYCHECK...so I guess there's no need to tell you the outcome of that offer as it is obviously screaming! Thing went sour #1.

Whenever Im in town, I always try to touch base with my friends and peers. So I carefully plot out my schedule to meet them all. I went to see my former boss but he was so busy that he could only allot 30 minutes of his time to me, and that short time was interrupted by occasional knocks from his secretary for more visitors waiting outside to meet him...thing went sour #2.

Another friend couldnt spare more time with me than just 2 hours of lunch as he is also very busy. I tried hard to be within reach (literally)so I would not rob so much of his precious time, but then he always REFUSED...I could only meet him when he is free which for me is too much for me to adjust to. To think that he is part of my IT makes it thing went sour #3. This one disappointed me a great deal because I had expectations...but then....

So when things went sour..I had to do something - and there - the sugar just came from heavens. My friend Eunice went out of her way to meet me - she has never done this before - so when she came to visit me in my hotel ( I moved out from the condo of my hostess when my companion flew back home ahead of me)I was touched. In fact, when she learned I have had no decent meal yet for the day, she bought me a congee and delivered it to my room just when I thought she was already heading home. Next was the visit of my other friend Stephanie, she too made sure that I wont be sleeping alone in my apartment suite..it was a gesture I never expected her to do because on my previous trips to Manila - we never arranged for meet ups. She even brought me a gift to think that we are not that really close. This was another cube of sugar from heaven! Of course I could not thank Maya enough for filing a leave to see me and accompany me to the office of my former boss - she too is another spoonful of sugar!
My gDev peers also took time to travel 2 hours to meet me -even for just a quick dinner and coffee...they too made my day! Jomz and partner also made sure I could visit my fave bar - Zemen took care of me while I was there...my gee, they all erased the sourness of my trip.

I have realized that when some people let you down, there are still others who would cheer you up. I almost decided that this trip was my worst trip ever, but with these people around, I decided otherwise.

So my trip was not really wasted - I have proven so many things - expectations versus determination, promises versus delivery, money versus principles and friends versus acquaintances - now I would say that sugar is still best for things gone sour. I just have proven it!!!

Tomorrow I am heading home and I would carry with me a thankful heart for the people who made my trip so SWEET!

More sugar please....!

Feels like HOME...

2012-01-10T23:54:00.006+08:00

Today I had a chat with someone I barely knew, yet when I was exchanging messages with him, I felt there was some connection between us. It wasnt something I expected at the very beginning but rather felt somewhere along the way, do you ever get that feeling?

This man would sometime interject some lines in our conversations that would catch me off guard, and for me that was already something to bedazzle me. He told me one time that he got dumbfounded and speechless with the things I say to him, but in reality, I am the one amazed with how fast he could read my mind and how fast he could react to my silly antics. I would say, we are at par with our elocution.

He is very open-minded though very direct to the point when stressing some facts. He is not shy with words, mind you, and he never runs out of things to say, so the talkative in me cowardly goes back to its nutshell...lol!

Although we often poke each other with dearly insults and brutal sweetness, I dont forget the fact that we are just in the stage of knowing each other..but it seems it is going pretty well for now. Heavens must have given its blessings! Amen!

One thing I am apprehensive about is the cliche that says "too much flattery will not get you anywhere", so its the only one keeping me from divulging more of what is "ME"...but then on hindsight, I am a risk-taker when it comes to personal relationships...so might as well be "ME" and see what happens!

I am not perfect, I dont have a figure that would make men take a second look ( well, if you ask me that 15 years ago, I would have given you outright a big fat YES answer, but not now!), I fell short of my self-expectations, I do not travel first class and I dont even drive! But one thing I could say about me is that I am who I am, and I want to be accepted for who I am and even for who Im not!

For this man who is making me smile, I wanna say thank you, coz not everyday that we get to meet new people, to better say it, not everyday that we get to meet a GOOD person, so thanks HEAPS!

I wanna end my entry today by saying I feel so lucky to be surrounded by things and people I love..my music, my writings, my work, my son, my family, my friends, my peers and most of all, by strangers who try not be one to me.

You are all HOME to me!

CONTEMPLATION: The Workaholic in ME!

2011-10-24T00:18:00.005+08:00

Wow, this is actually my first night in two weeks straight that I can retire early ( if you can say that 1220am is still early). I got this new contract on my online job that keeps me awake all night just to hit the required quota per week. And mind you, its quite a challenging one. Not because the task is so, but because the process is tedious and time-consuming. I work even on my off hours, but hey, I aint complaining. It is extra money for me, and I believe I can juggle my time between my daytime job, my son, my apartment duties and this one. Oh, not to mention the household chores and time to take a bath. Hahahaha!!

Seriously though, I accepted this contract because I feel the need to save for my plans next year. Hmmmmmm..in one of my contemplation moments, it got me to this point where I miss my love for travel. I traveled heavily the past years and it stopped when one financial crisis led to another. My savings were used up and there are still bills to pay. So I thought of a way to help myself. I found this one to be a good solution. I can put my internet connection to good use finally than just hitting FB and Twitter.

Right now, I am under contract with 3 employers for my online job. I write, I tweet and I recruit. Yeah, how do you think I can manage all that? Well, I spend my first waking hour checking my emails for my recruiting job, sort them out and once done I head to my office ( After having a good bath..got you!)

At the office, I dont work much for my online job out of respect to my company, although I still check my emails...to continue sorting them so that when I get home, it is already organized. My tweeting job takes around 2.5 hours to complete for 5 accounts and letting TweetAttacks run by itself. As soon as I am home, I start making invites. That's when I dont keep track of the time anymore as I have to aim for 250 invites a day. It sounds easy really, but the process is the one lagging me. The exact process is this: I check my pipeline assignment, read the description and find a good candidate based on the qualifications specified. When I find my candidate, I paste the permalink to the Inviter Tool and see if he/she has been previously invited or not. If so, I skip that and find another one. If the prospect can be invited, I have to send an invitation letter with the job description attached. Once the candidate accepts the invitation, I then send an offer for Testing. In between that, I have to check my emails for replies and declines. I have to reply to the queries which some of them are really so senseless, so there are times I curse myself for ever finding that candidate...( shhhh...*wink*). Once the candidate accepts the offer for testing phase, I have to put them into the tracker with their details so that the closer can handle them from then on. That is supposed to be the last step of my responsibilities, but I have to continue to process the other invites, imagine how many candidates I have to get into the tracker everyday? Can you even begin to imagine?

I do not accept a job that i know I cant deliver for. So to make sure I hit the quota, I put in extra hours to process them fully. So far, my eyebags are 5 kilos heavier...I dont know the week after this, so wish me luck!!! Now your question is, is it worth it? Well, I am not really a day person, so spending sleepless nights is okay with me, what I fear is that my body might surrender more than the mind can take. And of course, the extra income is a nice welcome to my pocket. It is like having a 100% raise with my current regular job, so again, I aint complaining!

My plans? I want to travel outside the country!!! I want to see long lost friends, relatives and the places I got to know through my readings. Touching base is always important to me, and how could I ever materialize that plan if I aint got dough to start with?? So, the workaholic in me is pumping energy out of my breath just to fulfill that. Dont forget that I have a son who wants to tag along..so actually Im saving for two!! But I promised him, only one out-of-the -country travel per year for us. God help me!!

I could say that I did fairly well for the 2 weeks that passed...hah, with the heavy eyebags now, I think I do not only deserve a pat on my back but a standing ovation as well!! One friend of mine told me that I am becoming so anti-social because my routine is now home-office-home.....and in front of the computer all the time!! I guess, its partly true. But in time, I would learn the ropes of inviting in the most efficient way and maybe could spare my weekends again to myself!!

My contemplation is this, to earn money is tough, to do the process is even tougher, so guys love your job. Dont complain the long hours required by your bosses for the same salary you get, instead be thankful that you have paydays to wait for. Dont complain for being tired, instead be thankful that you got tired because you worked, not because you looked for one.

When I feel like giving up, I just listen to my fave songs, and right away it gives me the urge to sing along....( you thought this was another hey guys line...;-). Seriously again, I am thankful that I can use my resources to earn money..and extra at that. So why complain??

But for now, I really got to sleep as my body is telling me to do so. Hey, I aint complaining..the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak..so please understand!

Have a good week ahead all of you!!

Blessed!

2011-09-25T13:14:00.010+08:00

Life has been difficult this year, my business is not doing good, my daytime job is still the same, my family faced one crisis after the other and my personal life in roller coaster ride. I would have given up a long time ago if not for my friends who I think are constantly looking after my welfare without my knowledge. It must have been their prayers to God that keeps me STRONG all this time.

My friends are my pillars of strength next to my family. They are the ones who patiently listen to my woes, and not to mention that I have lots to share. (Whew!) I am so blessed to have them around, they give me constant watch and though sometimes I deviate from their advice, they still love me anyway.

I want to acknowledge their important presence in my life, this is my way to thank them for the love and care they are giving me through the years.

Special mention to Jovicar Juntilla who keeps me sane and well, insane most of the time though (I know right?). She doesnt fail to understand me, she patiently swallows my rants and raves. She is always there to rescue me in time of despair and in times of laughter. She always make me feel I have a sister to lean on to especially lately when I am feeling so down and lost.I owe you a lot Apangs, and please know that I will always love and cherish you forever.

I also want to thank Ann Cale and Mark Anthony Besario for keeping me in their wings when I had nowhere to go to. I appreciate the fact that you both did not think twice to have me in your apartment when I was in need of a house. Your daily presence keeps me going. They are one couple that I could share my fears regarding relationships yet they dont judge me when I have one. Thank you!

Next to thank for are friends from Cebu who gave me courage to face my demons and have shown their support by their messages of love in Skype, SMS and FB. I appreciate the fact that even if we are far apart, they made me feel they are just around. Thank you Sheila and Ryan for reminding me that true friends do not measure distance and absence, friends truly can move mountains. I love you both!

One constant companion of mine here in Dumsville is Kirk Tanilon, someone who can make me laugh even in the middle of my hysteria. He can touch every inch of my moods yet he is easy to be with. I appreciate your company Kiw, please know that!

There is also Angie and Faye who are my BFFs for such a long time now. They accept me for what I am and for what I am not. Sometimes I wonder how long could they stand up for me, but I am assured by the fact that it has taken our friendship this long to let doubt set in. So, I am lulled every night to sleep with the thought that I have true friends in them! Thank you Manang Faye and OA!

And a surprise blessing from God when HE gave me a reader of my blogs who appreciate them and let her thoughts known to me. You know who you are, my new TITA. Thank you for bringing the inspiration back to the writer in me despite my predicament now. I appreciate what you told me that you are reading every word of my blogs so carefully to assimilate them. I am truly grateful that it gives you comfort whenever I write. I too have lost someone so dear to me, and because of you I want my Dad to know that he will never be forgotten.It's the people like you that keeps me going!

I may be sad now, I may be nursing a broken heart - but I will never give up on my happiness because with my friends around, I know I am truly BLESSED!

The THIN Line

2011-09-15T23:26:00.003+08:00

When your lies become the very core of your reasoning power, eventually you will get lost along the way. When the lies are starting to get exposed, there is no stopping it anymore. And then it becomes really scary.....and worst part is....you cant see the thin line between the lies and the truth anymore.

I have just discovered a hay full of lies that I cant even find a single strand of truth within it. Its really a pity to know a person could web so much lies just to survive...especially if that person is the one you give your trust wholeheartedly.

Call it whatever you want...deceit, hoax, scam, fraud...whatever it may be, it feels the same....it hurts and it is painful. Really PAINFUL. I would have wallowed in self-pity with the betrayal but then I have realized that I cant be crashed down by those lies, instead I used them to help myself set the road ahead and rise above it!

It was one lesson learned, but hey, I love to learn, even if it was hard. I am still thankful that I have known about it before it could drown me. And now Im relieved, there is no other great feeling than being liberated from it.

I may have lost one person that I thought matched the feelings that I had, but then, I would not run after someone who just showed me what a pathetic life he has. If I went on with it, I would have been as pathetic as he is...so never mind my crying at nights, never mind the feeling of emptiness whenever a sweet memory strikes, never mind the little gestures of love I miss....for all I know, they were all part of the LIES.

Life surprises us with different packages...I got one huge package of LIES...but its okay, as long as I can give the opposite of what I received. It will not change the way I am nor the way I see LOVE...shit happens, and if it does, you just need to clean it up and wash them away...no big deal!

Well, Im on the road to recovery now...leaving one lie after the other...I am confident that before I hit the intersection, all lies are forgotten...and so the man who caused it. Once I reach the crossroads, I know the thin line of truth will be clearly visible..Have a great weekend everyone!

His mother's favorite song

2011-09-14T21:33:00.001+08:00

Crazy I'm crazy for feelin so lonely I'm crazy Crazy for feelin so blue I knew You'd love me as long as you wanted And then someday You'd leave me for somebody new Worry Why do I let myself worry Wondrin What in the world did I do Crazy For thinkin that my love could hold you I'm crazy for tryin And crazy for cryin And I crazy for lovin you (Repeat Last Verse)

Myself as a Writer

2011-08-30T02:05:00.004+08:00

I don't really consider myself a professional writer. I even don't have big words to make my article look classy and what is worse sometimes is I don't even have enough words to say. I write because I love it. I write to vent out my feelings, because often than not writing relieves me from being upset or depressed. Writing is my therapy, and a very effective one at that.

Since I was a little girl, I have always been passionate about writing. I have been a diary-girl almost all my growing up years, even until now, I still have a diary with me, eventhough I don't write much on it, it is still a constant companion wherever I go.

My thoughts sometimes betray me, so I write them down on my diary. Whenever I like a song I hear, I write the title down. Whenever I travel, I write the chronicles of events in an outline form on my diary. Whenever I am hurting, my diary is my listening ear.

Writing for me is a better way to keep my emotions well-balanced than drowning myself in pity. As I have said, it gives me relief from pain, from too much worry and from being bothered. Once I write my thoughts, a sudden magical feeling envelopes me afterwards. That's how good it is to write for me.

Now that I write for money, I sometimes feel I have lost the magic. I often ask myself, is it because I just write to earn or is it because I am too pre-occupied with other things? Am I not inspired enough to finish a 450-word article on time? When I started with my writing contract, I could finish 5 to 10 articles a DAY, but lately I can only finish 10 in a WEEK. How come my fingers are now too heavy to tick the keys? Is my passion for writing dwindled already?

Now that I'm writing this entry, I have come to realize that WRITING isn't just a process of pouring out my thoughts on things, but it is also a process of pouring out my emotions. That explains the fact that I do get a hard time writing about dental implants, business plans and what not?

I write because I want to share something of me and something that I have strong conviction about. If I keep writing about same topic everytime, the very essence of writing gets lost. That explains why my fingers do not do the walking along with my brain.

I have realized that I am not a writer for money, but a writer by heart. I realized that I write because I love it and not because I can make money out of it. With that realization, I have put my mind at ease and told myself that it is just okay to write 10 articles in a week than write a hundred without my heart in it.

I owe it to the readers to find a good article to read and I owe it to my employer to get the best of me, so I will now write easy and be a writer that I really am. To hell with bonuses and rankings, for G's sake, I am a writer and not anyone's contender!

Why cant you?

2011-08-17T23:43:00.004+08:00

You are such a coward....too afraid to face the truth.
You are such a thief...you took me by surprise.
You are so dense...something so hard to penetrate.
You are so childlike..something I am in many ways.

Why can't you be the brave man who can ease my trouble?
Why can't you be the superhero who can bring back my possessions?
Why cant you be sensitive to the yearnings of my heart?
Why cant you be mature at times so we can talk like adults?

You are such a beautiful creature...always amazes me with your antics.
You are such a sweet liar....you think you can get away with anything.
You are so shallow...even a senseless old movie can tickle you no end.
You are not me...so don't make me like you.

But I cant make you ugly just because I hate loving you.
I cant make you fly and save me from being wretched.
I cant make you run deep, because you are deep enough.
I cant make you appreciate me, so why cant you be me?

Why cant you be all the things I want?
Why cant you be all the things I dreamed of?
Why cant you be the man of my dreams?
Why cant you be just right, tell me?

days of GLORY

2011-08-14T15:41:00.002+08:00

Kizoa slideshow: Days of GLORY - Slideshow

Dearest Nick,

Happy Birthday Nick. I wish you will find a way to put back that smile permanently on your face. I want you to know that for the short time I have known you, I have come to appreciate you. You were timidly funny and very sweet. My Bora experience would have been a lot different without you in it, so thank you for coming with us. I really do hope that we were able to make an impact in your life.
You are now 31, where are you headed Nick? What are your goals in life? How do you want to achieve it? I don’t question the kind of work you do, in fact, for people like you in that business, I salute you for taking the risks. It takes a lot of guts to do what you do, it’s not a crime, and it’s not a sin…so I have my respects intact on you as a person.

The first time we were together I thought it was just out of sheer fun. We didn’t even talk that much, only having a good time. The second time was kind of special as we were together for couple of days. I have seen how you become so silent when you are hungry, talkative when full or equally childlike when you tinker with things. The short time we spent on the beach while waiting for our barbecue was magical as you have shared a little of your life with me and that smile…I have seen you SMILE!
I know you are a good person Nick, I know that you have a good heart, because you have sacrificed to be away from your daughter and family just to be able to earn a living for them. I know you have gone through rough roads in life, and I know you love deeply. Don’t let those hardships take you down, use it as your weapon to do better. Remember the lines from your favorite song; you have got something to BELIEVE in!

You are someone special to me Nick, really special. It is not because you can gyrate perfectly as Mr. Boombastic, but because you are YOU! I still have so many things I want to tell you, but that would be too selfish for me to rob you off of the opportunity to spend your birthday without worries. I don’t ever want to cause you more problems than what you are having now.

So here’s something I have compiled to thank you for the sweet memories I had with you. Those times I held your hand, those nights I held you tight in my arms and those moments I gave you my smile were not for a SHOW Nick, they were REAL feelings from me and the very same reasons I am smiling. I won’t ask if you ever felt the same way for me because you might give me a different answer, so I will just content myself by believing what I believe now….that those days were the best days of my life. God, you just don’t know how much I miss those times and how much I am missing you now. 

Nick, I wish you joy and I wish you LOVE. Happy Birthday again Nick, don’t forget that you are and will always be my BABY!

Take care,

Jubang

Captured joy

2011-08-14T13:38:00.002+08:00

Memories of this photo go beyond the minute of the shot. It is worth the countless times I spent daydreaming, the sacred time I spent praying for you and the time reliving it all.

I owe it to you for making me smile beyond no reason at all! Thank you Nick for the sweet memories!

Looking at the other side of the fence

2011-08-09T22:46:00.004+08:00

I could honestly say that I have a blessed LIFE. My family didn’t go through hardships that others did, if we ever did, it is a negligible thing as compared to poverty wretched people I know.

I don’t look down to people who resort to odd jobs just to get a decent meal, if you can really call it decent. I have secret respect to people who goes beyond pride and self preservation just to make money. These are people who would do anything just to survive. I'm not saying that I tolerate people who kill and steal for money.....let me be clear on that.

Now here's a story I want to share to support my statement above:
I have a very easygoing friend of 20 years. Now that she's better off than the rest of us financially, she takes us to places we wouldn’t be dreaming of going. One of the places she took me to (aside from our out of town trips) was a gay bar. I was hesitant at first as I thought it was not a good place I will be seen at since I belong to the corporate world and has a reputation to protect. Once inside, it took all guts upon me to even look at the gyrating sexy men on stage.

We were giggling at first, couldn’t believe the moves we saw in front of us. Most of the dancers were in their early twenties, good looking and well built. There were men who would show a little frontal nudity and approaches table for audience to touch them in exchange of money...that was something I couldn’t do.

I was already getting uncomfortable when there's this dancer who did an unusual dance to the beat of Shaggy's song. It was actually a nice number and I enjoyed it especially when his foot movement would slam the floor in time with the beat...
Eventually I have learned to relax inside the bar, and then my friend called the dancer and asked to sit with us. He positioned himself in between me and my other friend, extended his hand during introduction which I did not accept...I was arrogant then.

I didn’t talk much to the guy, left the task to my other friend as I was so consumed with finishing my margarita and leave the place because by then more and more dancers were doing frontal nudity. The dancer on our table was invited by our friend to go with us disco dancing afterwards which he graciously accepted. That's when we got to talking about life....and my view about them in general turned 360 degrees at once.
He is the eldest of 9 brood, his family lives on a very meager income, in fact much of the time the money that his parents would make in a day couldn’t feed them all. He took the toil of labor at an early age when his parents could not support his studies anymore after secondary school, so he left town. He worked for a restaurant for a while but was offered the job he is doing now because of his eagerness to earn fast money and send it home.

He used his talent in dancing to be able to survive the first night, but he drowned himself a bottle of rum so he couldn’t feel anything. And he went on night after night, always drunk to be able to dance well. He loves dancing, he is proud of that, but the manner that he makes money out of it is something he still couldn’t quite get over with until now. Yes, he told us he has accepted indecent proposals...a lot of times already, but deep inside him, he is wishing he had other way.
In this job, he has met many women who all went and gone because of the kind of job he does. He has fathered 6 children from different women, only one is with him. He loves his son so much, that why he is always bothered by the life he has chosen to live. When at times that he doesn’t like to dance in front of an audience, he couldn’t because he has a son to feed and raise. Again, he blames poverty. He couldn’t get himself to rise above it, so he just learned to dance around it.
That's when I have understood why some people choose to work in the red district. It is easy; it doesn’t require high education and labels. It only requires GUTS and a HEART of STONE. But I honestly believe that if these people do not have talent in dancing or in the way they talk to people, then I don’t think they would last any minute longer.

My heart bled for him...I never knew someone could have so much hardships in life financially....I have never experienced that. Looking back at the life I have lived, I am so blessed yet took that for granted. There is this guy who is working for the money, doing a job he is ashamed of, every step is like every pound down but he keeps going....and despite the fact that he couldn’t move without alcohol in his body, he makes sure his performance is something to clap about. Who wouldn’t?

It is not the kind of living that we must judge one person, but we must look at the kind of life he is living so that we may understand him better. I am proud to have a macho dancer friend; after all he is more humane than the executives I know in my world. If you think you have the worst life, try to look at the other side of the fence and you will see how BLESSED you are!

Why?

2011-08-04T23:37:00.004+08:00

There are just so many things in life that we cant explain...one of them is our emotions. Emotions run deeply, we could cry in a minute and laugh on the next. Why?

Our emotions react to what we see and hear. When we see a cute baby smiling, we smile too. When we hear an accident on the road, we get sad. Emotions do not act on its own, but sometimes dictate our next actions. Why?

For lovestruck people, emotions could get in the way of how they view the love they have. It impedes the ability of our brain to think better. Why?

But I believe love is not just an emotion, its a decision. Love does not exist if we do not commit to stand by our emotions. When the love we feel is not guaranteed by commitment, it will fade away slowly. Why?

I met a boy whose character I cant decipher, but Im drawn to liking him. Why?
He is someone out of my standards, not even close enough. But I think of him every minute of the day. Why?
He cant offer anything nor can give commitment, but I regard every second with him as forever. Why?
His little smiles mean joy, and his touches mean care...not even one single glimpse escapes me. Why?

I should not worry that I feel what I feel now, because love is the best gift we can give to someone. It flows freely and creates a magical feeling, although sometimes, it hurts! Why?
I could not promise to let my brain win over my emotions, it is not something I can be sure of yet for now. Why is that?
Simply because I have learned to care for you and I have learned to appreciate your being. Maybe these are just emotions that is fleeting and temporary, but one thing I can assure you is that it is something intense. Now baby, don't ask me why.

Is it wrong for me to love you or is it the other way around?

2011-07-12T02:45:00.004+08:00

I met you when there was so much going in my life. I didnt even care how your hair would glisten in the sun, nor notice the quaint flick in your eyes. There was nothing I'd miss about you not until I spent those nights with you. Then I was blown away.

You had this sad look in your eyes, a timid smile wanting to smile more, a humor with pain and shyness with embarassment. How could I not be drawn to you when you always wanted to hold my hand? How could I not care when I already begun?

You told me that you do not like the work that you do, I told you that I don't question it. You told me that its been a while since you have been home, I told you you are far because of home. You told me that you cant afford to waste time, I told you to not worry because your efforts will be rewarded. You told me that you don't want to be a burden to me, I told you to lay it down on me so I can unburden you. After all things have been said and done, I thought I have succeeded in putting back that elusive smile on your face....was I so wrong?

You told me youd stay, but after you held my hand, you slipped away. You are gone....I have to accept that. But why? I have learned that you stopped reporting to work and later resigned. Why? You just quit communicating,why? These are all questions that remain so until now...why?

Then I remember what you told me the night we were at the beach...you told me that you don't want to fall in love because along with it comes pain. Did I ever cause you pain or were you meaning to warn me?

Is there someone else that I'm not supposed to love you or is it because you refused to admit the way you feel towards me? Is it wrong for me to love you or is it the other way around?

From the song that we both like, please say something for me to believe in...

Who Am I Meant to Be? from www.oprah.com

2011-06-24T01:24:00.002+08:00

YOU ARE STRIVING TO BE SECURE
This is the result of self-assessment test I took through www.oprah.com...Im yet to find it out, so join me in analyzing mine...and maybe you can find out yours too!!!

You are a stabilizer: You are the rock in a storm, the one others lean on. Loyal and com-mitted in your relationships, you maintain a support system of like-minded people whom you look out for. (So what if you do it behind the scenes and don't get credit?) You're careful with money, cherish the familiar, and defend the traditions you care about.

What to watch out for: Rapidly changing environments (like a shaky economy) are very hard for you. As a result of such instability, you can spiral into a state where everything seems catastrophic and you're sure life will only get worse. You can also become overcontrolling, rejecting any suggestion that doesn't conform to your idea of the way things should be. To avoid being too rigid, each month try changing one habit. Exper-iment with clothes, drive a different way to work, initiate conversations about subjects you wouldn't normally discuss. And when the opportunity arises to do something new, avoid the impulse to immediately say no—this may be nerve-racking, but the more you practice, the less anxious you'll feel.

Looking ahead: You find meaning in pursuing safety and certainty. Focusing on family can give you great satisfaction. Also consider planting a vegetable garden, hosting class reunions, volunteering as a lifeguard, teaching at your church or temple. In the work arena, look for positions where you're responsible for others, and for making sure everyone is following the rules. You work well in any environment that is stable and consistent. Careers in government, finance, the military, law enforcement, and product manufacturing are strong options for you.

Find careers that match your striving style.

YOUR SCORES
Many people have two or three strong striving styles, and they can all be important in leading you to the person you are meant to be. If you have a few "highest" scores, read each matching description, and see what rings most true.

Striving to help: 16
Striving to be recognized: 12
Striving to be creative: 13
Striving to be spontaneous: 12
Striving to be knowledgeable: 14
Striving to be secure: 18
Striving to be in control: 16

STRIVING TO HELP
You scored: 16
You are a nurturer: You are caring and supportive in your personal relationships as well as in your job. Unselfish and altruistic by nature, you often anticipate the needs of those around you before they are aware of them. If there is one thing that brings you satisfaction, it's tending to others.

What to watch out for: When you're doing things for people only to feel valued, you can become resentful. And if you sense that your help is not appreciated, you may end up playing the martyr. So before giving your time to everyone else, make sure to take care of yourself (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). And practice waiting until someone asks for help: While you may be able to perceive what a person needs, that doesn't mean she wants you to attend to it.

Looking ahead: It's important for you to be genuinely of service in acknowledged ways. Whether you foster a child, care for an elderly aunt, rescue animals, or support a rock star's career as her personal assistant, look for opportunities where you can help other people or bigger causes. Volunteer work has your name written on it, as do many careers: nursing, teaching, customer service, healing, social work. Don't feel pressured to run the company or lead the project; you may be even more effective as someone's right hand. And you'll likely find working with other people more meaningful than flying solo.

Find careers that match your striving style.
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STRIVING TO BE RECOGNIZED
You scored: 12
You are an achiever: Ambitious, competitive, and hardworking: That's you. With a clear image of who you are, you work tirelessly to make sure your accomplishments are recognized. Your drive for success extends to your family, and you invest a lot of energy in helping them live up to your expectations. Thanks to your knack for diplomacy and abundant charisma, you often inspire others.

What to watch out for: You are prone to becoming a workaholic, slaving away toward success while neglecting your personal life. Because you're driven to gain approval, you can find yourself performing for others like an actor; if you become overly concerned with your image, you end up feeling superficial. To keep your ambition under control, get involved in group activities that require cooperation. Also practice listening to those around you and think about sharing the spotlight from time to time.

Looking ahead: Any career that allows you to scale the ranks and gain recognition, status, even material rewards, lights you up. Actress, entrepreneur, salesperson, politician—you get the picture. And consider balancing your professional challenges with personal ones: Run a 10K, train for a triathlon, compete in a tennis tournament, bike from one end of your state to the other; or join a debate team, play in a poker circle, enter your purebred spaniel in a dog show. Whenever you can win at something, you're happy.

Find careers that match your striving style.
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STRIVING TO BE CREATIVE
You scored: 13
You are an artist: You came out of the womb with a paintbrush in your hand. Or maybe it was a flute or a castanet or a fountain pen to go with your poet's imagination. The point is, you're an original, and you know it. Even if you don't have a singular gift, you're drawn to the arts—anything creative, for that matter—and you have a unique way of looking at the world. Your need for depth and authenticity in relationships can lead to both great joy and profound sorrow, depending on whether others reciprocate. You don't care so much about adapting to group or societal expectations; your independence and sharp intuition propel you on your own path.

What to watch out for: When fear of conformity overrides your creativity, you can assume the role of "outsider" or "orphan" and end up feeling alienated. You may even go so far as refusing to vote or pay taxes. This lone-wolf stance might be a defense against feeling vulnerable. Try to be aware that blaming others for your banishment, or pushing away those who want to get close, only makes things worse. Also, dramatizing your emotions can interfere with your creativity.

Looking ahead: As long as you genuinely express yourself, you feel like the person you were meant to be. How you do it is irrelevant. A chef or architect can be as much of an artist as a painter or sculptor. Many advertising and public relations executives are also highly imaginative. Beyond work, there are opportunities everywhere you look to coax out your inner artist: Design your own jewelry line, create an innovative blog, dream up a comic strip. Relationships are another avenue for self-expression.

Find careers that match your striving style.
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STRIVING TO BE SPONTANEOUS
You scored: 12
You are an adventurer: Action-oriented, curious, outgoing, and often technically gifted, you live for new experiences. You are drawn to risk-taking and aren't afraid to fail. Generally restless, you tend to job-hop or choose a field that offers constant novelty. If you had to name your favorite place, it might be the center of attention—you're a born entertainer, and can easily adapt to any audience. While you collect many acquaintances, you're less likely to develop deep, committed relationships.

What to watch out for: When you can't satisfy your thirst for variety and excitement, you may see yourself as trapped, which can lead to impulsive and self-destructive behavior—drinking, drugs, breaking off relationships, ditching financial responsibilities. Try to find value in some traditions; if you learn to appreciate repetitive experiences, you won't always feel the urge to bust free. And when a new opportunity thrills you, keep in mind that just because it sounds exciting, that doesn't mean it's good for you.

Looking ahead: Life will have meaning for you as long as you feel stimulated. That might mean chasing twisters, exploring the polar ice caps, getting a degree in dance therapy, or becoming an astronaut. It might also mean reading new books, attending workshops, or letting yourself get swept up in an intoxicating romance. As a risk-lover with a lot of energy, you're a natural entrepreneur. You'll be happiest if you change jobs every so often and travel extensively. Movement is what keeps you going.

Find careers that match your striving style.
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STRIVING TO BE KNOWLEDGEABLE
You scored: 14
You are an intellectual: As a leader, you're often ahead of your time. As an employee, you try to surpass the competence level of peers, even managers. Incisive and curious, you're driven to deeply understand how things work. But that's things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it's just that you don't need to spend hours engaging with them. Social validation isn't your goal—you're secure enough in your cerebral pursuits.

What to watch out for: When you can't find a way to be the expert, you may withdraw or simply withhold information, which can make you seem smug or arrogant. If you feel yourself retreating into your own world, seek a friend's help to pull you back. Also balance your cerebral tendencies through physical activities like jogging, hiking, or dance.

Looking ahead: You discover who you are meant to be through accumulating insight and knowledge. So follow your curiosity. Are you drawn to learning Mandarin? Join-ing a philosophy society? Studying and practicing Buddhist meditation? Delving into the complexities of computer programming? Writing a historical book? Pursuits that place you near the leading edge of technology, science, psychology, academia, or business are good bets. But any situation that allows you to work independently with freedom to investigate and innovate will fuel your drive.

Find careers that match your striving style.
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STRIVING TO BE SECURE
You scored: 18
You are a stabilizer: You are the rock in a storm, the one others lean on. Loyal and com-mitted in your relationships, you maintain a support system of like-minded people whom you look out for. (So what if you do it behind the scenes and don't get credit?) You're careful with money, cherish the familiar, and defend the traditions you care about.

What to watch out for: Rapidly changing environments (like a shaky economy) are very hard for you. As a result of such instability, you can spiral into a state where everything seems catastrophic and you're sure life will only get worse. You can also become overcontrolling, rejecting any suggestion that doesn't conform to your idea of the way things should be. To avoid being too rigid, each month try changing one habit. Exper-iment with clothes, drive a different way to work, initiate conversations about subjects you wouldn't normally discuss. And when the opportunity arises to do something new, avoid the impulse to immediately say no—this may be nerve-racking, but the more you practice, the less anxious you'll feel.

Looking ahead: You find meaning in pursuing safety and certainty. Focusing on family can give you great satisfaction. Also consider planting a vegetable garden, hosting class reunions, volunteering as a lifeguard, teaching at your church or temple. In the work arena, look for positions where you're responsible for others, and for making sure everyone is following the rules. You work well in any environment that is stable and consistent. Careers in government, finance, the military, law enforcement, and product manufacturing are strong options for you.

Find careers that match your striving style.
Back to Top

STRIVING TO BE IN CONTROL
You scored: 16
You are a leader: You approach everything as though you were born to be in charge. Confident, assertive, and decisive, you know what you want and you go after it. You also look out for family, friends, and community—you feel you know what's best for them—and have no fear of confronting anyone who challenges your ideas. Taking the driver's seat, you also generously donate time and energy to people and neighborhood projects.

What to watch out for: When you feel threatened, or others refuse to go along with your agenda, you can become confrontational and domineering, sometimes to the point of being dictatorial. Practice letting someone else take charge on occasion. Also try meditation; it can help you be-come more aware of your controlling impulses and ease the anxiety that may be provoking them.

Looking ahead: You discover your purpose when you take control of your environment. For you, finding a decision-making role is key. That could mean anything from producing a play to spearheading a global campaign for something you care about. In work, you're suited for leadership positions in education, government, industry, finance, religious institutions, or politics. But you can find satisfaction anytime you're given the autonomy to do things your own way.

Touching Base with O'Sheila Panal Boag

2011-06-18T23:43:00.004+08:00

When you have friends whom you havent seen for a long time, there's a sort of dead air once you get to see each other again...but that's not the case with friends with whom you share so much sweet memories with, thats not the case between Sheila and me... She is my friend way back in college ( we went to different universities) who I lost contact with for almost 20 years...(hmmm, dont ask my age now...:-))I was the Godmother of her son...I knew that she had a hard life back then, studying, raising a child and trying to make a living at the same time. Life for me then was a breeze, I had a good life...my Dad provided well and I didnt have to go through what my friend went though. As fate would dictate, we saw each other again on a social networking site, a frendship was rekindled and is still lighting up...nothing has changed except that she is a very successful businesswoman now, married to a foreigner and enjoying life immensely. Im truly happy for my friend, as she has not lost her enthusiasm for loving life the way we did when we were still teenagers...and thats what reconnected us.

Twice she visited me here and vice versa...all those meet ups, we would be laughing so hard, paint the town red and ends the trip with a smile in our hearts. Having those special times with Sheila always lifts my spirits up....and always, I go back the memory lane and savor those times that indeed we are really friends...come high come low!

Im quite sentimental when it comes to my friends, they are my strength and inspiration. I hold them dear to my heart and it goes without saying that I love them. It feels good to know that along the different journeys each one treads, you meet someone on crossroads with familiar experiences and you just dont let go...thats why touching base with her is a blessing to me...not only for the good times that we share but for special treatment that she gives me whenever im with her...with gratefulness in my heart, Sheila is a lifetime's worth of a blessing to me...Here's to our friendship TIYA!!! Love you!!!