TwoHeadedMommy

NOT YOUR's Stickers

2008-09-11T17:21:00.000-07:00

There are so many little stickers that go on little people things that have their names but I find myself saying constantly, well screeching constantly..."THAT IS NOT YOURS!", "NOT YOURS!". I would really love some sticker's that say...

"NOT YOURS!"

carpool

2008-07-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

Picking up the kid at carpool is like going through the tot drive through.
"I would like one 5 year old with a wicked sense of humor, a mean left hook, an indistinguishable birthmark that needs to be sanded off while he is awake, who ate his lunch and will enter the car with his blood sugar at a sociable level." "AND ONE ICED COFFEE WITH 4 SHOTS OF EXPRESSO and a pump of cinnamon dolce sweetner with 1 1/4 inch of vanilla soymilk that was opened today."

"Excuse me MS. Counselour I did not order this kid, in this totally bad mood, who is dripping popsicle gobs all over my dreamy HONDA! Could you please rework my order so I get the HAPPY KID post eating version! The coffee is fabulous!"

"THANKS SO MUCH SEE YOU TOMORROW!"

Senator omomma

2008-07-10T20:30:00.000-07:00

I know this is a bit outdated but I was really humored when Senator Obama pointed to Senator Clinton and said to his daughters as if encouraging them "This is fabulous, this could be you as well!" Yes, Senator Obama that my friend is exactly the problem. Your daughters may also begin life as beautiful, intelligent, hardworking, ambitious women whose personally life becomes a public mockery and whose proffessional life is undermined by a much less experienced, more charismatic and much hotter guy like yourself! I am an Obama girl but I still prefer the momma-but only because I have no choice but to vote for the man AGAIN!. The whole thing for me just reinforced the fact that maybe we should just stay home and bake the darn cookies. At least then we know we will eat the fruits of our labor. Hmmmm...care for a cookie and your favorite cocktail Senator Obama (don't worry about momma.) Don't worry about us we can take care of ourselves and everyone else!

Diversify your personal portfolio

2008-04-28T07:53:00.000-07:00

THE ECONOMICS OF EMOTIONS

As the self annointed Suze Orman of Emotion follow my lead and make sure your emotional wallet is overflowing with resources.

1. DIVERSIFY YOUR PERSONAL PORTFOLIO
Don't expect a single person in your life to fulfill your every emotional need. Some will be there to listen, a shoulder to cry on, not to judge, to give business advice, to cuddle. Let them give where they can, some come from richer resources than others. Let them give how they can.

2. SPEND EMOTIONS CONSERVATIVELY
You never know when you will want to cry louder and harder about something else. Make sure there are still some listening ears in your bank account for the next big crisis.

3. SPEND WITH DISCRIMINATION
Like some objects are not really worth buying some people are not really worth sharing with. Choose carefully.

4. KEEP YOUR RICHES OUT OF VIEW
Don't just let all your emotions hangout for some emotional pick pocket to come and snap them up. Be wary some people do like to snatch your feelings and spread around your riches for their own benefit. They may not appreciate the true value of your honest feelings.

5. BE BRAVE, TAKE RISKS
Trust your heart when you feel someone is worthy-share.

Add to the list...we need everyone to help us all make sense of the murky emotional world.

Unmatchmaker

2008-04-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

In my younger days I was a matchmaker. I have two weddings to my name and 3.2 offspring as the fruit of my labor. Aged wisdom as enlightened me...I am now an unmatchmaker. I now go around and tell people they should definitely not be married to one another. I say things like... you have no chemistry, you barely talk to one another, she is much better looking then you, he puts you down all the time, she has a boyfriend,he is an awful parent, your kids will be hideous, someone needs to manage the money, you could do better, she is lazy. I am really proud...I have broken up so many unhappy couples!

www.twoheadedmommy.blogspot.com

soooo GREEN!

2008-04-21T16:11:00.000-07:00

In an effort to be more green, I have been doing the following and hope you will do the same...

I am trying to buy less and steal more.
I cut down my personal vehicle use and instead have been pleasure cruising in my friends Hummer.
In a serious effort to turn out our lights I have purchased more laptops to illuminate our space.

I have been making my very own consumables. I created a toxic chemical preservative lab and have been applying the potions to our homegrown organic garden. My kids love mixing the solutions and then eating them right from our own test kitchen. It has been educational to experiment with expanding the halflife of our very own tomatoes. I have been reusing the excess toxins as cleaning products. Our toilet and my kids skin is literally glowing. It is neat because they no longer need night lights, imagine the electrical savings!

I have been recycling intensely spending at least 3 times as much time as usual going around and around on the electric stationary bike at the gym. As a result I have significantly reduced my weight and I am reusing my cell phone more and more each day as I am stuck on the stationary cycle.

In a truly noble effort to be truly green I am reusing the following. I hope you will follow my valient lead.

Tampons
Dirty diapers
Soiled toilet paper
Condoms
Oil that leaks from our cars for cooking

I feel really good about myself, even if I do smell really really bad.

Clearly this is just a start but every little bit counts.
Please add to the list to help encourage others to be more green.

Divorce Websites

2008-04-13T18:24:00.000-07:00

Recently, the inlaws came visiting...they had some goop that some people we knew maybe splitting up. It got me thinking why stop at wedding websites? Shouldn't people get divorce websites as well? That way you could hop online to...
www.derekannabelleshusbanddidaprostitute.com
www.Sethandmaryhavenothadsexin7years.com
www.jimandcarrieisnowjimandlarry.com
and personally decide who gets to keep your silver service gift for 8 with matching creamer, air your opinion on who should live with who and for how many days a week and which family members from each side would still be allowed to chat. Contribute to the endless pool of gossip about how it happened and who told you what. Finally, you could offer your completely impartial and totally honest opinion on how much cash should be divvied out to the receiving party. Forget wedding websites-what a complete bore, divorce websites would be much more fun! As long as I am designing the functionality you could also propose hookups! FUN, FUN, FUN! The potential of the web is enormous. Happiness and social connection is only the tip of the iceberg!

IQ must be higher then weight

2008-04-10T19:17:00.000-07:00

One of my friends a hot little auburn meets strawberry blond is chirping about her weight. She used to be a sized 2. Alas the baby has multiplied the number. As she is a genius to the max, I calmed her nerves that as long as her IQ continued to exceed her weight she was in fine shape. Women love messing with their heads with a numbers game and it got me thinking it is a great goal to express the importance of valuing us babes for other things? Does your weight exceed your IQ?

Babysitter Pageant

2008-04-09T18:48:00.000-07:00

When I first needed to hire a babysitter I promised myself that my main goal would be that ugly would be a definite requirement. Lord knows there is no better recipe for disaster then a hot women half your age taking energetic care of your kids. Reality has played some cosmic joke on me because the women that end up coming to interview are starting to look like they escaped from the friggin Miss Universe Pageant. It is very depressing. Hi..."I am completely gorgeous, I have no stretch marks, speak five languages and I can chase your kids for 5 hours". "Do you think your husband would enjoy having me around?" YIKES!!! Where have all the sweet and nasty looking babysitters gone? Is this some cosmic joke?

Mommy Intervention/Rehab

2008-04-08T07:52:00.000-07:00

The other day I was casually looking forward to a playdate with friends.
Little did I know...(thunderclap/sounds of doom) my friends and family had scheduled a MOMMY INTERVENTION.

They sat me down and ranted endlessy how completely irritating and totally anti social all my mommy behavior was and that I immedietely needed to head to MOMMY REHAB.

COMPLAINTS AS FOLLOWS...

I was nuerotically obsessed safety to the point of having the kids wear bike helmets in their carseats.

I only fed them fresh veggies from my personal organic garden and only after a squirrel had taken multiple bites. Obviously, to insure the food was actually safe to be consumed.

I never let anyone babysit them outside myself or the trusted family dog of 9 years.

I cannot imagine why anyone would perceive me as over the top! Do you agree I need MOMMY REHAB? This all seems perfectly sensible to me.

Nu Bra

2008-04-07T12:56:00.000-07:00

After nursing the girls were sagging...
My friend encouraged me to buy the Nu Bra. My babysitter looked aghast at my new found cleavage. The Nu Bra needed new branding (according to the girls) It is now respectfully...THE GET RICH QUICK BRA!

Happy Cleavage for after nursing...you deserve it. It is all an illusion anyway, why not your cleavage too?

OFFLIST

2008-04-02T17:21:00.001-07:00

Do you think it is wierd to respond to someone that sends you personal e-mails with the subject heading OFFLIST. Even though they are sending the e-mails to you and just you? Hmmmmm....

Muffin Top Inserts

2008-04-01T18:48:00.000-07:00

Yoo hoo GIRLIES! FABO news, there is a sexy new look in clothing...MUFFIN TOP INSERTS. I know alot of mommies have muffin top envy. So many of your friends got sexy muffin tops after the kids that you also want one. So now you can be smokin just like them-muffin top clothing inserts. That is right just like shoulder pads from times gone by-now you get a muffintop ring. It pops snuggly over your jeans so you can looking cuddly and sweet just like all your curvy mommy friends.

Designer Sales

2008-04-01T17:54:00.000-07:00

Today I went to a Designer Sale at a friends house-
Basically, 10 of us sat on her couch and oggled clothes that a very attractive looking, should be catalogue model mom presented to us. I definitely was jonesing for a valium. It was torture to sit still that long and gaze at clothing that would never flatter me while catalogue model mommy droned on. I did imagine it in a better format-Visualize, a designer show at the fitness club. I would be riding the elliptical trainer and instead of CNN some good looking women would stand in front of my friends and myself and present hot Spring looks. I could learn how steel grey was the chic new color and tone my abs at once-much better : )!

friend came over the mountain

2008-03-31T06:45:00.000-07:00

My friend and her family came to visit...
in kindergarten we played together 35 days in a row and attempted to break the Guiness Book of World Records for most days played together. Still can't get enough.

I realized when you hangout with your family you return to being a kid in a bad way, with an old friend you roll back the dead skin of maturity in the best way...sharing your clothes, giving away your hair product and staying up too late chatting. All the fortress walls of middle age came tumbling and were replaced by squilling. The best vacation in the world... having a friend at home.

stages of going to bed

2008-03-26T21:32:00.000-07:00

DENIAL AND ISOLATION
first child screams...I am not going to bed...leave me alone!

ANGER
I am so mad! Don't tell me to go to bed! Child kicks daddy in the balls and breaks mommy's nose.

BARGAINING
If you let me stay up I will brush my teeth without tearing your hairout in the morning.

DEPRESSION
Going to bed makes me and teddy bear sad. Can we at least have our Prozac first?

ACCEPTANCE
Teddy and I are much more relaxed now. Can we have a tucky and kiss kiss?

babysitter's beamer

2008-03-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

My husband and I both drive Honda's. Do you think it would be wierd if we asked our college coed babysitter to borrow her BMW for us to go out on date night tomorrow night?

have you seen my brain?

2008-03-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

Tonight as my husband sagged into our bedroom...
he questioned tersely..."have you seen where the kids put my tie stays?"
I responded in kind... " have you seen where the kids put my brain?""Little boy number 1 hid it somewhere about 5 years ago, it is grey matter and squishy and it was creative and effectively processed information."
"If you happen to step on it or find it in the playroom please put it on the stand next to the front door, next to my keys."

Candidate Perfect Storm

2008-03-15T14:07:00.000-07:00

All us underepresented discriminated against individuals should just get together and create the dream candidate perfect storm...

a female, senior citizen, who is .4 % latina, .3% black, .1% american indian, .1% white, .1% asian, who is also a bisexual, HIV positive crossdresser, survivor show alumni-that has to capture a bit of the whole pot.

Fantasy Shopping

2008-03-12T18:37:00.001-07:00

Today I engaged in my favorite sort of shopping...Fantasy Shopping.
When I fantasy shop I pretend I have all the money in the world and I can purchase whatever I dream of. I actually put down the credit card on impulse purchases that would match both my fantasy home and lifestyle...large pieces of furniture, glamorous gowns, opulent jewelry. Then...for some reason I cannot get the item home.
Alas, all gets returned. It is awesome!

Mommy Match Madness

2008-03-08T18:18:00.000-08:00

Making Mommy friends is like playing the dating game...
Remember the board game from when we were teenagers, you would open the little plastic door which revealed a potential mate...

In mommyland you open the minivan door and honk, honk see what is inside...
It's very difficult to find a match as the paremeters for success grow more complicated. Unless everything cosmically aligns the chemistry is just not there.

Too pretty
Too rich
Works to much
Doesn't work at all
Too unkept
Feeds their kids too healthy
Feeds their kids not healthy enough
Too susy homemaker
Too messy and chaotic
Emotionally unstable
Too numb
Too good of a mommy
Too involved in school
Too indifferent
Too earnest
Talks about the kids too much
Too clueless about the kids
Has the kids in no activities
Has the kids overcommitted
Too many kids
Too few kids
Kids are different ages
Kids are different sexes
One or both kids is off the wall
Not intellectual
Too intellectual
Too fit
Too much of a gossip
Too organic
Feeds the kids only processed foods
No sense of humor
Too liberal
Too conservative
Lives in the land of make believe
Too conventional
Too sorority girl
The husband is too interested
Too nuerotic-nehhh...I love nuerotic
Not nuerotic enough

Yeah, it can be tough for us mommies everything has to be just so.
Please add to the list

parenting roulette

2008-03-05T17:49:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Parenting Game Show...
Tonight we have a tremendously naive and very excited Mommy to be...

Mommy SPIN THE WHEEL of progeny fortune...

Choices...
ADHD
Autism
Downs
Car Puker
Unnamed mystery disorder
Pick your disorder
Manic Depression
Serial Killer
Cheerleader
Tourettes

And as a very special take away for playing 735 sleepless nights!
All this might be yours!

money

2008-03-04T19:40:00.001-08:00

Money...the little green prison cell we live in.

disorganizational consultant

2008-03-01T19:47:00.001-08:00

I have finally heard my calling...
I am becoming a DISORGANIZATIONAL CONSULTANT I am so excited!

The business will be called...

COMPLETE CHAOS
instant disorganization!

Visualize it and it will happen..

I imagine myself arriving at my first clients. I am a complete chaotic mommy mess, hair a frenetic nest, breath of sewage, sporting stained, mismatched tattered clothes and -one broken stiletto and one old converse hightop-both from eras best forgotten. My unzipped handbag will be overflowing with wipes, diapers and half opened tampons. A muffin top will be bursting the dam of my jeans. My client... my fantasy doppelganger will be 10 years my junior and embody a living Ice Queen. Glacial, serene and a terrifying beauty she will be adorned in a cream custom tailored designer suit. Her dangerous glossy nails enveloped in a pristine french manicure and her hair will float in shiny golden sheeves. Ice Queen's smile will glare sparkling piano keys. Her pristine exterior will veil matching undergarments without holes. Her beige penthouse will peer out to an endless monotone frightening blue skies.

In my minds sleepy eye... in the background roll in dark thunder clouds, 3 tornados, a hurricane and a hail storm and a giant penthouse splashing tsunami wave as my adorable beeming trusty, crusty lil helpers- ages two and five storm Ice Queen's beige Penthouse. On their lil bodies hang tattered torn dirty Target duds. Their greasy locks assunder and their faces a collage of crusted boogers, dried goldfish and scary koolaid they will chant.

Your house is sweet,
we want a treat
at making disasters we will not be beat!
Go mess go!

Intensely ambitious my team of impossibly experienced and professionally accredited disorganizers-will immedietely begin work before Ice Queen even greets us. As I try to lounge on her couch, my feet carelessly staining her beige carpets my little men will begin tearing down her posh drapes, smashing her glass coffee table to bits and knocking priceless sculptures and luminscent vases onto her hardwood floors-stomping them to pieces to make sure all the glass is 100% shattered. Living plants will spill their foliage and dirt creating irreparable damage to valuable area rugs and then they will tirelessly sneeze snotty yellow goobers and finger paint them with great fine motor skills into rare rugs. They will pry open her Channel makeup and write I love you Ice Kween on the drapery in lipstick. They irrigate her laptop with coffee and hurl her precious iphone in the toilet-flushing til it overflows. Exhibiting super tot effort my lovely assistants will tilt over large bookshelves, creating a mini earthquake shaking the highrise and sending tenants fleeing.

Tireless, my disorganizers will not consider their job complete until they have pooped and peed in multiple locations-for an extra fee they will also vomit 2 days worth of pasta with marinara sauce-WITH MARINARA SAUCE, I SAID WITH MARINARA SAUCE onto expensive imported from France upholstery.

Ice Queen will begin to melt as life has never felt this supremely out of control. In one vibrant kinetic finale they will assault her- smashing open pricesless Cabernet as they do cartwheels from her pearl toned sofa to her mohair armchair.
The contents will spew like fireworks that stain. Kackling with glee the little tyrants will rip her tiffany diamonds from her lobes and hurl them into the heating vent. They will scratch her face with their dirty sharp nails and assault her porcelein skin with their tiny fangs. Alas, her hair a matted mess, her makeup smeared and running, desperately hungry and needing to pee she will say to the tiny terrors..."you are so sweet, come give me a hug...I love you so much!" Exhausted the the disorganizing team will curl up in her lap and she will smile serenly, a piece of yesterday's pizza hanging from her lips. Finally the adorable little cuties will slumber in peace. 2 boring hours later they will rouse and start all over again.

Ice Qcream will never be the same.

Interviewing Mommy

2008-02-27T19:50:00.000-08:00

Today I interviewed a new babysitter or shall I say... she interviewed me. I forgot that hiring a sitter is akin to dating. She arrived 10 minutes early and the house was a scary chaos-complete with a bra dangling from the stairs-no, I did not remove the bra mid stair-it only made it halfway down the stairs when I hurled it-50% closer to the laundry room. She walked in and blinked back and forth at me and at The giant flat screen with perfect doll like blue orbs and stated that she had a Vegan baked goods company and that she pursued when the stars felt properly aligned -for now, she could not bear to be seperated from little ones. She also said she did not believe in TV or Baby Einstein, as if they were religions. We also do not attend the church of Baby Einstein however when I am near my breaking point I do sometimes worship the TV in adoration.

I told her that I used to have an organic kids clothes business but now I have sold my soul to the devil and only sell clothes which are toxic in exchange for the opportunity to buy diapers and get the occasional highlight. The blue orbs blinked...I asked her if she minded cooking... she gazed terrified at the packaged precooked bacon in the neon packaging in the fridge. Yes the blue orbs seemed to imply but only Seaweed and Kimchi. Hmmmmm...she told me she had a few other families she was meeting and she was very busy but she would e-mail me...you know like a bad first date...don't call me I will call you.