mélange

i love dive bars

2012-07-25T14:24:00.001-04:00

I can't stand girls. They're so annoying.

I especially hate the ones who pretend to enjoy things so they sound cooler, when in actuality their only interests are the Real Housewives and the number of 'likes' on their new facebook profile picture.

Like these stupid ass girls in Philly who say, "I love dive bars!"

No you do not. You moronic, fake, annoying waste.

You are wearing 5-inch patent leather peep-toe pumps, you are carrying hairspray in a handbag that costs more than my entire wardrobe and there's still a stamp on your hand from Whisper last night. You do not like dive bars.

In fact, you hate them. You think they smell and are dirty. You are disgusted by the bathrooms and the creepy old men. You don't even like beer let alone cheap, shitty beer from a pint glass with lipstick still stuck to it from the last person who drank from it. Probably a hooker. The level of darkness fightens you. Everyone is staring at you! Why are you lying, you idiot? I hate you.

tfmf

2012-07-25T13:58:00.002-04:00

texts.from.my.friends.

when life gives you lemons...

2011-09-19T14:23:00.002-04:00

Hollow them out and make lemon jello shots.

derby photo shoot

2011-09-19T14:16:00.005-04:00

dancing

glitz & slam striking a pose

some of the derby family <3

tfmf

2011-05-28T03:23:00.003-04:00

texts.from.my.friends.

2011-05-23T11:07:00.002-04:00

This photo is brought to you by my impossible and unfortunate morning hair. :(

tomatoes

2011-05-22T18:25:00.002-04:00

I am attempting to grow things, yikes! This could end up being a total disaster.

If you don't already know, I'm not exactly Susie Homemaker. In fact, I'm probably the opposite. I've never been able to picture myself as some magnificent housewife, and I do not aspire to be one.

So what!? Does that make me a bad person?

This brings me to a story. I once helped my friend bake cookies for his coworkers. We wrapped them up in plastic baggies in stacks of 5 or 6 cookies, and then decided we'd tie a little bow around the top of each one. When it came to the bow part, clumsy old me couldn't figure out how to make it look pretty. Then he said,

"You're a girl. Aren't you supposed to know how to do these things?"

Ouch!

And then I thought: what things, exactly, am I supposed to know how to do? If I can't tie a pretty bow, does that make me an inadequate female?

And it doesn't stop at bows. I can't cook, can't sew a damn thing (I'd probably just hurt myself), I can barely put my little cousins hair in a ponytail, my interior decorating skills are pitiful, the thought of having children kind of freaks me out (especially the being pregnant part, gasp!) and I certainly have never attempted gardening.

This is not wife material folks. I guess if I can't make up for my lack of girl-ness in other areas of my life, I'm going to make some man very unhappy some day, huh?

Well, at least if I fail with the gardening... I'll only be left with dead plants. I can live with that (although I will be sad).

tomatoes week 1

tomatoes week 2 (success!)

Apocalypse "To-Do" List

2011-05-19T13:04:00.007-04:00

According to that Harold Camping fellow this Saturday, May 21st is Judgment Day! The end. That's kind of soon.

I mean people have calculated the date of the apocalypse in the past, but this time it's for realsies.

Since the world is ending it got me to thinking: there are so many things I'd like to do before I die this Saturday. So many things I haven't done. I'm 25!

In case you haven't noticed, I like lists. They are the perfect tool for the organization of thoughts. Especially blog thoughts.

Things To Do Before The End of The World:

go sky diving (cliché but I don't care)
make a quilt out of meaningful pieces of fabric
make a music video with my friends
go to spain and see the running of the bulls
learn to play guitar
cook something that tastes delicious and is not a fail
go to an eagles game
learn how to surf
compete in a roller derby bout
grow a huge garden in a huge greenhouse
become a nurse
be someone's maid of honor and give a really comedic yet heartfelt speech at the wedding reception
go snowboarding
own a horse and learn how to ride him
go scuba diving in the great barrier reef
go skinny dipping at night in a beautiful place
learn to speak another language fluently
be a contestant on Ninja Warrior
get a keratin hair treatment
make my own beer
brush my teeth

I don't think I can accomplish all of these things before Saturday. And unfortunately I'll be waiting tables at Misconduct Tavern on judgment day. I think this is a pretty good excuse to call out.

summer hats

2011-05-18T17:18:00.000-04:00

I'm sick of all this rain. So here is a summer hat:

A Guide to Blowing It

2011-05-17T13:31:00.008-04:00

I know what you're thinking, get your mind out of the gutter. I mean blow in the sense of ruining things.

You've just entered into a wonderful, budding relationship. Things have been moving along just splendidly for a few weeks now. You and your new partner share the same sense of humor, actually have fun together and are really attracted to one another. But the time has come, fellas, for you to blow it.

Oh! So often this happens! The terrible turn!

Allow me to make this easier, please. If you're going to go ahead and blow it, do it right. Go hard or go home! And get it over with already.

You and I both know we've got better things to do than sit around and wait for the inevitable. I happen to know exactly how you can effectively blow it. If you really (I mean really) want to totally blow it, follow this simple guide to blowing it. Trust me, she'll be running for the door.

When out to dinner/on a date, be rude to the restaurant staff. There are many routes you can take with this. You can be blatantly rude and complain about the service directly to the server, and then to your date. You can share with your date how you're not going to leave a tip because you're unsatisfied with the service. Sending back your meal and looking disgusted is also a winning move. Or, if something happens that you disagree with, constantly bring it up in the conversation with your date, even if the girl insists on talking about something else. Reiterate how much it bothers you. Don't use manners. Don't say thank you to the server or bartender if they bring you something, don't make eye contact with them, and definitely don't treat them like they're another human being. This is a surefire way to indicate that you're impolite and unfriendly.

Don't take her out. If you want to skip the part about being rude when you're at a restaurant, simply don't invite her out, ever. No dinner, no drinks, no dates. Constantly invite her to your house or apartment, or suggest going to her place. Don't spend any money on her. Tell her you want to watch a movie and you don't feel like going anywhere. This will indicate that you aren't willing to put fourth any effort, and that you don't care enough about her to take her to a nice place. If she decides to come over, never tidy the place up. In fact, keep your house as messy as possible. To maximize effectiveness, don't go out of your way to do any traveling. Do not pick her up (don't even offer to pick her up), she can come to you.

Intermission:

check out my derby skates!

Drunk dial her. If you're out with your friends and drinking heavily, remember to call her and make a complete fool of yourself. Say disrespectful things; try yelling and cursing. Talk about all of the girls that you hit on. Tell her in your best drunken, slurring voice that you'd like her to come over. Hang up. Repeat. It is especially helpful to do this after 2 a.m. This will indicate to her that you want to hang out with her because the bars are closed and now you need something to do. It will also indicate that you have no respect for her and that you are just trying to get laid. You can do all of these things over text as well, but a phone call is preferable. If she doesn't answer you can just do all of the preceding in a voicemail.

Don't have any hobbies or interests. Do not play an instrument, sport or do anything that you like. Do not feel passionate about anything. Especially do not be goal-oriented, motivated, determined or ambitious. Don't show any interest in movies, books, classes, video games, writing, traveling, cooking, working out, etc. Go out a lot and get drunk in your free time. Dabble in some drugs. Sleep.

Completely disregard her safety. Don't walk her to her car no matter what the time of day or night. Let her walk alone, and let her do things alone. When she leaves never ask her to tell you if she made it home safely, especially if it's late at night. If you happen to give her a ride home don't wait to see if she makes it into the house. Drive away! Never attempt to protect her or help her in a potentially dangerous situation such as a bar fight, an aggressive dog on the street, if she trips over something etc. Let her fend for herself. You can run away, or try moving away from her slowly and avoid touching her.

Talk about yourself, a lot. Don't ask her about herself, or just don't ask any questions, period. Talk about your experiences, your friends and your job only! Go on a long rant and complain about something. Make sure you don't talk about anything too interesting. Tell her tons of stories about things that have happened in your life. (*Bonus Hint: Talk about your ex-girlfriend. Bash her and discuss the break-up.) When she talks, don't contribute anything to the conversation or comment on what she said. Do not listen or give your full attention. Look around the room while she's speaking as though you're not paying attention and you're bored.

Demand that the relationship moves forward. Especially if you've only been dating for a really short time and especially if she's not ready. Do not take into consideration how the girl feels, or where she stands mentally and emotionally. Insist on being exclusive or on having a title.

This easy-to-follow guide will leave you without a love life in no time!

can i kick it?

2011-05-13T15:12:00.002-04:00

I'm taking it back. Way back...to the 90's. This is one of my favorite Tribe songs. And the video=so funny. They don't make em like this anymore. One day I hope to make an old school 90's music video, would anyone like to help out? I'll need plenty of background homies.

tfmf

2011-05-13T14:42:00.003-04:00

gelatinous

2011-05-13T13:48:00.004-04:00

I don't know what it is about them, but ever since I was a kid I loved the Tastykake lemon pies. What the hell is in that gooey, gelatinous yet delicious filling? Philadelphians may never know. That is all.

...in bed

2011-05-09T14:06:00.002-04:00

Submitted by: Thomas

you have an iphone, there is no excuse for this picture's poor quality <3

...in bed

2011-05-09T12:47:00.002-04:00

...in bed

2011-05-03T15:57:00.001-04:00

the black keys - everlasting light

2011-05-03T15:54:00.002-04:00

in my head today

los frikis me encanta

2011-05-02T11:40:00.002-04:00

2011-04-30T15:51:00.001-04:00

No wonder this place is always so dead.

2011-04-30T15:49:00.002-04:00

So I just walked into Miga, a Korean BBQ restaurant that usually appears sad and desperate from the outside. Since the city is in a frenzy with both the flyers and phillies playing on this gorgeous saturday afternoon, and since there seems to be a line of drunks hanging out of the entrance to Good Dog (where I'd normally pop in for a pre-work "snack") I decided to give Miga a try.

Ignoring my urge to check the yelp reviews and the fact that the beer selection was pathetic (which I can let slide since there is no shortage of great beer in the area, perhaps they can make up for it in the food department...) I walked in with tremendously low expectations, daring them to prove me wrong.

Which is great for them! Except they didn't.

Strike 1- When I tried to sit at the bar I was told that there was no bartender on duty and I was directed to a table. I find that when dining alone one feels less lonely at the bar than they do at a table. Not to mention the bar looked very inviting with a flat screen TV turned on back there.

Strike 2- When I tried to order one if their salads I was told that they didn't have it, along with quite a few other menu items! I was holding a new menu that had not yet gone live. Well why do I have this nonexistent menu?

Strike 3- Avocado was not fresh. Gears ground. Nuff said.

In the spirit of baseball season I'll refrain from calling a strike 4, because that's just silly.

However I will say that I get no cell phone service in here (at all, not even texting) so I can't post this entry, I'll have to wait. That's an error. No wonder this place is always so dead.

Off to work ;)

Sent from Helen's iPhone

pajamas and fancy shoes

2011-04-30T10:44:00.000-04:00

angry birds

2011-04-29T17:55:00.000-04:00

2011-04-24T22:29:00.002-04:00

2011-04-22T16:46:00.001-04:00

Shot with my Hipstamatic for iPhone
Lens: Kaimal Mark II
Flash: Off
Film: Ina's 1969

love these clowns <3

2011-04-20T23:53:00.001-04:00