Smack D

Rajnikant @ ISB

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 03:06:00 +0000

If Rajni were at ISB:

1. Elective courses would bid for Rajni

2. Kellogg & Wharton would come to Rajni on a exchange

3. Professors would get marks for RP (Rajni Participation)

4. On ISB day, Rajni would dunk the pool

5. Coffee vending machine would throw out Rs. 5 coin to serve coffee to Rajni

6. Rajni would shortlist companies and interview them during placements

7. Cases would study Rajni before class

8. Rajat Gupta would get the Rajni All-rounder award

9. Rajni would adopt 4 Aikya families

10. Rajni would be the 6th force in Porter's framework

The Weekend before the holocaust (The M-files)

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 04:30:00 +0000

Waking up on a Saturday morning is always special. Its weekend time ! But waking up this Saturday was different. The tension in the air was so thick that you could actually cut it with a knife. In fact I saw Neha Chaturvedi doing that early in the morning. She said something to Aviral, which as per conventions of marital conversations was not to be agreed upon unless they had a good argument about it. Later I heard that Neha wanted to hire a maid for cutting this tension in the air. So as happens in all events of Marital importance Aviral had to bow down to Neha. Backstage reports suggest a foreign hand in all this - specifically a hand from Chicago. Most likely the dreaded "Maggi" couple Arpit / Pankhti were behind all this.

I sat and wondered what it was. Was a holocaust predicted ? Everybody in campus seemed to behave as if there was no life after this weekend. Some people had packed and left for nearby places the evening before. For all I know that our CORE terms start after this weekend. Was this a deliberate ploy to simply hype things up so that we could show off to the outside world that we were in a rigorous One-year MBA progarm or was it actually going to be that way ? Only time has the answers. ISB junta's reaction was to advertise the hype using Facebook status messages.

Mr. Diet Coke Keshto woke up today morning on the wrong side of the bed. He suddenly started feeling sick. Partly because he realised that his life was moving too fast and his hormones were moving faster. He got so nervous about statistics that he forgot his own vital statistics. So he decided to give "Section - A" meet a miss. But at the breakfast table he had a heart transplant and decided to attend the "Lights and Sound" show at Golconda. I scanned through his breakfast and found nothing that could have triggered such irrational decision. Maybe the beautiful ambience of Goel did this to him. By the way I handed him a awesome Stats book just to calm down any nerves.

Mr. Jiggy Shah probably dreamt about all this. So to cheer Mr. D.C. Keshto he wore a light pink shirt and bermuda garnished by a Nike cap. That reminded Mr. Zorro of his days in the Mexican prisons where they used to play Pinata wherein the Pony would be dressed in pink. If that didnt cheer Mr. DCK, even a hair transplant wouldnt. By evening Mr. DCK decided to transform as he had to go out to the section meet. He hit the gym, built some solid muscles even on his nose. He was now Rambo. Soon he headed to his room and took out Chopsticks. Chopsticks ?? To comb his hair. He was now truly Mr. Chopstick Rambo ! If he stands for any election, we all know what his symbol will be.

Since we didnt want to take chances with the Holocaust prediction we had planned to step out late in the night for a midnight buffet to OHRIS. Mr. Restless was in his full spirits even before he had gulped down a single drop of spirit. He wanted to 'fly' on his bike. You tend get that feeling once you cant thrash other people's Facebook walls enough. To compensate for the shortfall in the virtual space, he was trying to make it up by talking trash on the streets.

Mr. Zorro was feeling the Latino heat so started driving real fast on his bike. Ms. Nimbu Paani had to constantly stretch out her hand to create some Aerodynamic resistance and reduce the speed of the bike. Sir Punter Pandey was thoroughly enjoying his bike ride, so did his pillion rider Mr. Vibhor. At one point they bonded so well that they were doing "Yeh dosti" (Sholay) steps on their bike. After their superlative performance you can now call the song "Yeh Dostana". Mr. Vijay Ramakrishnan decided to be the Mr. TwentyTun for the night but our Daroga Chacha in Khadi uniform did not seem to be appreciative of it. So they fined him Rs. 200 /-

Soon we were at the OHRIS. But the place was full and we were hungry so we decided to get into the buffet and eat standing. Mr. Nitin Vishwas and I didnt even bother taking the plates. We started to sample stright out of the buffet stand using just our forks. Mr. Rangeen, however, didnt have anything as OHRIS did not have anything "Namkeen" for this "Shaukeen". He also faced some serious issues with the manager who tried to woo Mr. Rangeen with a bowl of vegetable biryani. And there was no Hari Manjari aka Beero (Beer + Paro) to save him from another Vaishi Dareenda ! So stepped in the Ace photographer Nitin. Mr. Nitin Vishwas had his Value engineered L&T Cranes come and pick up the manager and put him in the thrash box. Mr. Rangeen had been saved again ! Nitin Vishwas's trip to the toilet had enlightened him as to what to expect in this place.

Mr. Punter Pandey was sensing that some Gabbar Singh was at work at OHRIS and would have put some Jhulab ki Goli in his food. This was why he was thinking thrice before every morsel that he ate (which included smelling the dish). Vibhor could see only Rajnikant ice-creams (a hyper-tall slabs of ice-cream with all sorts of flavours). He told the waiter "Enna Rascala, I having the spoon ! Do you having the ice-cream? If nobody cant ... Vibhorkant " Looking at the ambience, Niranjan thought he was at McDonalds, Sydney. So he started ordering Aussie dishes ! But all he got was blank stares and puzzled looks. We also came to know how YouTube has the cool and funny videos of common people. We got a live demo from Sreejita who used her charm over the staff there. They were dazed and feeling drunk (because Sree ke aankhon mein tha nasha). Its only when you are dazed or drunk you do really funny (read stupid) stuff.

Shouvik didnt speak much as he constantly had his mouth stuffed with a different kind of Biryani every 5 minutes. Anyways since he couldnt manage the 'diversity' that he so badly needed, he kept his mouth shut lest he attract any undue comments / taunts from the "Diversity-starved". Chote Sarkar, we now know what your next poem is likely to be. A sample extract will read as:

Mr. Restless to the left. Mr. Vishwas to the right

Yesterday I missed the ladies, Today I am gonna fight.

Soon we wound up. The people in the Chaturvedi Benz thought that this was the golden opportunity to get rid of Mr. Restless as well as me in one go since both of us were on the same bike and didnt know the way back. But their strategy had a loophole. They didnt count on Mr. Punter Pandey & Mr. Vibhor also getting lost and managing to find us. What luck ! So all of us managed to return back to the Campus. Nature's law buddy : Garbage Out, Garbage In !

Section Gyan (The M-files)

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 04:30:00 +0000

579 people cannot be taught together under the same roof unless ofcourse you want a parallel Parliament. Since ISB comes across to me as a peace-loving institute they have divided us into 8 sections lettered from "A" to "H". I was put in B.

Human beings like fighting for their identity and like to fight others for establishing the supremacy of their identity. So to spice up the life at ISB each section tries to create a identity of its own : Section Chants, Mascots etc. To establish their supremacy they have Section Points. In short its a adrenaline junkie's paradise. And things get only better if you have 579 capable and enthusiastic junta.

We also had a Section Gyan session by the Alums. To break the ice we had a intro session where we need to give our name, an adjective & wackiest incident. A lot of interesting introductions came out the session. We had a Mr. XYZ who introduced himself as "The Game" XYZ but ended up pronouncing it as "The Gay" XYZ. When you do that in front of 75 smart people, you are bound to get smart-alec jokes. But he only compunded his misery when he narrated his wackiest incident wherein he had hit on a 'cute' Sardar. Before he could further dig his grave he was made to sit down. We also had Ms. McKakesy who has the talent to cut any given cake into numerous equal pieces. Adding colour to the whole introduction we also had Mr. Rangeen doing it his style. He was also courteous enough to acknowledge my role in publicizing his "Rangeen" lifestyle. Lady M keeping in tune with her mysterious ways revealed that she got her Espionage training by swimming in the gutter. Similarly there was one more lady who narrated her Dharavi experience where she earned her first fifty bucks after which she saw a lucrative career in that but lacked an MBA degree to pursue it. The stories are endless.

Section Chants hardly took any time. After some initial resistance, we decided to stick to our legacy Chant "B de patte, Chak de fatte !" which we felt was growing on us by the minute. We ended the session by cutting the cake in advance celebrations of a chap's birthday. Ms. McKakesy did the honours by cutting the cakes into equal pieces after our poor chap had it smeared on his face. We ended the session by chanting the legacy chant. And alums were graceful enough to remind us about the ego behind the section points.

The other section chants were as follows:

1. A - Aala re aala 'A' aala (Aala in Marathi is coming but they have no clue as to where they are even going)

2. C - Sec C (pronounces Sexy) - and thats not cliche ?

3. D - Go D Go D (but specify where to )

4. E - Rock E (they love dogs ! Rocky, Moti etc etc )

5. F - 4-3-2-1 Section F is number one (most innovative one)

6. G - Eh G oh G , here we go ji (again a confused aatma ki pukaar)

7. H - H H Hurray !! (Their mamma's must be proud of them)

The war for Section Points was on !

'O'-Week : Treasure Hunt and Party no. 1 (The M-files)

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 04:30:00 +0000

April 12th

Today was Day 1 of what History would remember as an endless week. We had been divided on Sectional lines and to ensure that there was no dearth in motivation we were enticed by the whole notion of Section points.

The first half of the day was full of powerpoint presentations by whole lot of people. For people like me who are not used to sitting at one place for long, this was a welcome practice session. Also I also saw a practical demonstration of all possible CPs. One of them was so shitty that people gave him a standing ovation at the end of it. I now propose that we put up the following sign outside every lecture theatre.

Post-Lunch session we had the treasure hunt. I got to meet my study group which needless to say consisted of diversity - a ISB hallmark. We had a CA from World bank, Science honours graduate working in Sales & Marketing at HUL & an Engineer from Tata Bluescope Steel. The fifth member of the group was missing. But I am sure he would only add diversity.

Well the CA and me got along well and made a awesome plan. Basically I would spare him the PJs and he would in turn help me take over the world. How ? Well he works in the loan disbursement department and for those of you who had your Introductory Accounting class would know Survival = Cash and for nations across the world Cash = World Bank loan money. So by controlling loans I will indirectly have control over these hapless nations. Tips learnt from UBI should be helpful I guess !

Soon we were joined by the corresponding A - Batch. Of them Nikhil seemed to be very eager as he had some serious Karma to wash off for the pandemonium he caused on Pagal guy with his Doc Update theory. He stood on his head for quite sometime hoping that the blood gushing down to his head would wash off the memories. Diganta seemed to be real thirsty as he gulped down that big bottle of Kingfisher Beer at one of the tasks in one shot. No wonder he completed all the other tasks in high spirits. I guess Manas was hoping that he atleast share a sip. Atleast being a CA he had accounted for it. Pallavi was worried that this would really affect her daily scheduled wine-tasting sessions and that the beer would spoil the taste. Aastha Bajaj spent the entire treasure hunt wishing she was connected to the Bajajs' of Bajaj Auto which would have helped us commute from one corner of the campus to another faster and will less fatigue. Vishakha knew quite a few things around the campus thanks to her husband who showed her all the possible hideouts just in case we got attacked by the Nazis. Preeti was so fed up of me that she went off with my T-shirt after I got dunked in the pool. I walked topless from the Recreation centre to my SV showing off my 6-in-1 pack abs and natural biceps. One of the women who was probably enjoying her evening walk (till then) puked too.

The Treasure hunt also saw the birth of ISB's very own Michelle Schumacherni in rather unfortunate circumstances though. Others watched in daze while the Local ferrari vroomed around the campus. To add the nitro boost, most people seemed more interested in the Ferrari than the injured driver.

After I reached my SV I quickly took a refreshing shower and headed to Aviral's plush flat (disguised as a studio apartment) where we were blessed with the presence of quite a few people. Niranjan - the youngest refree in a Olympic final - told us that he took to refreeing as he wanted officiate women's beach volleyballs and apply sun tan on the players. But the governing body tricked him into the Olympics. Mr. Natwark Lal aka Shishir shared with us that adding 300 ml of water to 100 ml of Orange juice and then having a biscuit dipped in it really enhances Restlessness. Jay decided to act like those toys which did something when you pulled on a string. So whenever someone pulled his leg, he would simply laugh. After seeing the relentless slaughter around her, Saroni quickly figured out the best possible strategy was stay put and stay quiet. Ashwin had shared on numerous times that he wanted to do different things on the campus but the only different thing he did in the evening was to switch from Diet Coke to Appy Fizz. Soon we headed to the party.

There was a queue here too - this time at the Booze counter but guess who beat the queue and was there before anybody else - Resltess Fish. Later that evening even I went to the Bartender and asked him for a Coke - Large and 'On the Rocks' which would explain why he didnt serve me again the entire evening. Later I caught hold of another bartender and asked him for a Large Coke which I had Neat. Pankaj Poddar couldnt see all this, he so wished that he went blind before he could even see any of this. I guess fortune only favours the brave and not the comedians. There were lot of people on the dance party. At one point there were so many people on the dance floor that I could hear "Sorry" more than the music. Whoever shaked a leg or waved his hand hit about 4 people (atleast). I feel sorry for those who got hit below the belt. But that didnt down the spirits. Blow after blow people were up, dancing more intense than ever. By about 4.30 am quite a significant number of people left before the sunrise caught and burnt them. A few people like me were up for the challenge though. We wanted to beat the 6.30 am record mark made by Co2009.

We danced but the DJ packed up by 6am just after sunrise. But we were 6 of us who were giving company to each other. First we had the extremely talented (and drunk) Adarsh demonstrating his awesome singing talent. By the time he was done it was 6.20am and now people were beginning to feel sleepy. But I saved the morning by chipping with a few PJs which knocked the sleep out of Bharadwaj R, Nikethana & Preeti Sood. I am sure they would have nightmares when they would have caught up with sleep. Shishir was too seasoned and too drunk for the PJs to hit him. He was extremely determined to beat the 6.30am mark. And when we crossed it he messaged Jacob (Alum - Co2009) that the record was now beaten. We finally split at 7am. Later we came to know that there were section points for being the Last Man standing. So hurray ! I had just got the opening points for my Section viz. B.

There were ample number of indicators to tell everyone that year ahead was going to one hell of a roller coaster ride ! So are you ready to begin ?

O-week: Day Zero @ Ground Zero (The M-files)

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 04:30:00 +0000

Well Ladies and gentleman, the cat is finally out of the bag ! 570 people have become The ISB on April 11th. To ensure the smooth transition from Joblessness to Timelessness we have the Orientation week aka 'O'-week wherein the outgoing class (Class of 2009) ushers in the new class (Class of 2010 i.e us) through a varied range of activities.

Let me take you through the week in my Ishtyle:

April 11th

This was the beginning of welcome ceremony @ ISB. I checked into my SV viz. SV4 [latest erection on campus] and headed to the recreation centre. After finishing through with the well-structured process I was finally registered as ISB student at 11am. April 11th also saw the birth of the infamous Queuing theory i.e. where there is a will there is a way and where there is a way there is a que ! To an outsider it looked like the que for Indian Idol auditions but when 600 people are registering on a single day you gotta expect a que. One of the que jumpers at the bank loan counter nearly got clobbered ! In fact there was a huge queue outside the toilets as well.

In the evening we had the Dean's address who declared us as the ISB. Mr. Restless got excited and even before he realized he had started shaking a leg. Then we had the welcome dinner. Again a Que. But me being me preferred to hit the desert counter and boy didnt the Carrot Halwa justify my 'strategy'. As for the dinner, I must not have been particularly hungry as I went in the Dinner line but came out with only the Papad in my plate. The evening also saw a lot of people who were plain attention seekers choosing to distract rather than attract attention.

Meanwhile Saurabh Goyal walked upto me but I let him come close after I was sure he wasnt carrying a Fork to stab me after what I had done to him on Yahoo Groups ! During the entire course of the evening I caught up with a lot of people whom I had traumatized in Mumbai or over Yahoo groups or Facebook. Shouvik understood the nuances of missing a train when one's carrying a huge baggage. Hardik was out looking for people he had bonded / challenged in the past months. Shishir was wondering as to where and how he can go about in his new role as Mr. Natwork Lal.

Colonel Sandeep Muthoot was wondering as to how he could hide his paunch. Ashwin was flaggergasted to not see a counter for diet coke. Jay Shah was elated on learning that ISB already had a wine club but that Khushi turned into a Gham when he found out that places near ISB didnt serve wine. PK (after shedding the multi-layer personality driven clothes he wore to the airport in the morning) was wondering if it was fate that put him in SV1 where there is no 'diversity' that he sought.

Aishwarya seemed to be in high spirits, afterall it was the beginning of no-stalking days in her life. Mamta aka Lady M was back to her mysterious ways while Pranjal double checked anything I offered her (water, advice and jokes) since she didnt want history of 'Vodka' to repeat itself. Parag D (or now Swamy D) as usual was hunting for his D-spot where he could park his ass and dive away from wine, women and glory. Rishi was his usual self, Bollywood hunk, looking down to run down any idiot or trouble maker with his little Romeo. Siddharth Negandhi was trying to distinguish himself from all the other Siddharths through Negandhigiri. Pruthvi was contemplating the whole evening whether to eat the salad first or the Papad which I solved by eating the Papad off his plate.

After that we had a mini-booze party in front of SV3 and no prizes for guessing which Restless character was the order taker. Sai Pondalur was trying real hard to get an image-makeover from a white-underwear hater cum Shishir basher. He ended up pitching his tent outside SV3. Saroni (pronounced as Sha-roni) decided to a honorary engineer and demonstrate entropy (chaos and restlessness) i.e. she was so hyper-excited about her new independent life that I doubt if she could manage to fall asleep that night. Soon a lot of people joined in but I was feeling too tired so decided to call it a day. Diet Coke Keshto Ashwin decided to give me company since we lived in the same SV.

It was a long and tiring day for sure but not without the usual share of thrills and frills. An exciting year awaited us !

NEXT: Treasure Hunt and the First Party !

ISB MMX Awards (The M-files)

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 04:30:00 +0000

Here is Smack D's Dean list ! Thanks to quite a few people for nominating some cool awards !

1. Most over abused term - "My two cents" (say that on campus to get yourself killed)

2. Most words typed per email - Vivek J (Hands down winner ! btw his hands would have to be down if he has to type)

3. Best performance in a satire / artistically challenged - Pankaj Poddar (Any surprises?)

4. Best performance in a leadership role / Most expensive emails - MRC (1 lakh to 1 crore)

5. Best Historian - Vijeth (Mumbai blogs)

6. Helen of Troy award - Yevheniya K, for being the name that launched a thousand emails. (Need I explain)

7. Ms. Question Bank - Tanya Rawal (One more question please)

8. Mr. 10 minutes - Siddharth Negandhi (Powai to Ghatkopar)

9. Nature's boy - Hardik Jhaveri (whom nature calls on his blackberry)

10. Designated Driver's conundrum - Shouvik Sarkar (for potraying a dog as his designated driver to a suspecting cop @ Mumbai 5.0)

11. Smoked Crusader - Tom (Kabhi defeat Kabhi Gum)

12. Versatility in Restlessness - Shishir (Youngnrestless, Restless Fish/Charmer/Netowrker)

13. Byomkesh Bakshi Award - Vivek Pandey (for finding the three reason behind crimes - land, money & women)

14. Karaoke (Singer) lover - Akshay Pai (The singer is always better than the song)

15. Diet Coke Keshto - Ashwin Uppal (for messing all up after two shots of Diet Coke)

16. Discount Ninja - Jay Shah (aka Jignesh who can get a discount on anything icluding something thats free)

17. Dev D award - Parag D (for his awesome performance on Mumbai 9.0)

18. Mr. & Mrs. Smith award - Neha-Aviral Chaturvedi (oh Yeah ! The barb wire, thanks to Diet Coke Keshto, was only temporary)

19. Best friend award - Sujata D (for bringing her friend-cum-Shishir basher along for Mumbai 9.0)

20. Relentless Traveller - Rachita (Done with India !)

21. Head of ISB secret service - Mamta Saini (The Lady called M)

22. The Google paradox award - Sreejita Deb (Google gaddar - Ah yes ! she uses FB more than orkut)

23. MRC's great ISB idea award - Aditya Kulkarni (For hedging his placement)

24. Shakespeare's muse - Ritu / Reetu (two spellings for the same name ! Shakespeare asks whats in a name, She says whats in the spelling of the name)

25. Successful marketing campaign - Chalo Chennai (for the huge number of underwhelming responses)

26. FODU Award - Father of Doc updates Nikhil (aka Narnikhil who spread chaos at Pagalguy)

27. The Truck stopping Show stopper - Rishi (late night adventurist on the Lonavala highway !)

28. Chaddi Buddy / Six pack award - Pallavi (for taking the pink chaddis to Ram Sene and for developing the six pack abs on her King Kong costume)

29. Mr. Addiction - Maninder Gulati (for his addiction - to tobacco @ ITC & female models @ Fiama Di wills)

30. Mr Negotiator - Krishna Kumar aka KK (Can I re-negotiate this award too?)

31. Colonel Weed - Sandeep (Army commando-cum-Weed farmer)

32. Childhood buddy - Shweta Divecha (for being Shishir's childhood buddy)

33. Ms. Muscles - Malavika (Damn ! I couldnt manage to dodge the Gym instructor again today !)

34. Mr. Underwater Cybershot - Arjun Guha (for his underwater pics)

35. Photographical Paradox - Nitin Vishwas (the Pro photographer who hardly clicks pictures at Mumbai meets)

36. Mr. Mean Streak - Saurabh Goyal (he does have a mean streak in him ! Doesnt he ?)

37. Hedge fund buddies - PK & Amit (who plan to prosper by investing in laughing stocks as well as liquid stocks)

38. The Karate Kid - Manish Acharya (for suddenly discovering that he knew Karate)

39. Ialive award - Nishant Banore (for still staying alive despite teasing the Karate kid)

40. Ms. Nimbu Pani award - Saroni Ghosh the teetotaller ( Jamegi mehfil jab mil baithenge aap, main aur Nimbu Paani)

41. Navjot Sidhu award - Shruti Narayan (who used her infectious laughter to make us laugh at all Shishir jokes)

42. Con man's paradise - Pruthviraj Haral (Yes he is the boy who fell to the wolf cries)

43. Homer Simpson award - Given to the Junta on Facebook who actually thought that these awards are gonna be given for real at Hyderabad. (Duh ?)

44. Delli-6 award - Rishika (the brain behind the Dell deal)

45. Mentor award - Raghav Wate (for being the first to accept me as his (tor)mentor !)

46. Bachha award - Ankur Vaish (aka Sodium for being the Bacche for UBI fellow)

47. Genda Phool award - Sweta (she loves her life too, a 25yr old, greedy, self-obsessed, competitive, ambitious, naughty one !)

48. Global ISBian - Vinit Garg (for having a blog with a global reach)

49. Khabri - Nitin Pulyani (for giving us the inside dope on ISB)

50. Destiny's child - Priyom Sarkar (for his accidents and achievements)

In case of any disputes, first take bath in ice-cold water & then shoot yourself in the butt !

ISB MMX Mumbai Meet-up 11.0 (The M Files)

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 04:30:00 +0000

Mumbai 11.0 started amidst much fanfare at The Tasting room, Lower Parel which was by the way not "Somewhere in the Phoenix Mills" ! So much for the poll !! We had quite a few new faces, most of which belonged to the female cult, about whom you would discover as we go on !

I went straight from Office so reached there much earlier than others (6.45pm to be exact). But one person still managed to beat me - Priya. She reached so early that it was time for her to go before anybody else came. So much for being the early bird ! Anyways she looked different from the first (and only) time I had seen her on Mumbai 1.0. She had grown her hair slightly. She opined that it was time to get a haircut, I begged to differ though.

As usual Ashwin, the Diet Coke Keshto, joined me. Flaunting his biceps he came in a red Swiss Tee. Soon others started pouring in. Sujata probably wanted to repent for winning the Best friend award so she came along with Shishir to boost his spirits ! Nitin Vishwas wanted to make a dramatic entry ! And boy didnt he? He walked right into the mini-fountain. Love blinds you but friendship? Sindhu, who was right behind, made a smart entry after Nitin Vishwas's famous "Walk on the water" ! The Karaoke (singer) lover Akshay Pai wasnt too late either !

We also had Pranjal Desai (female please) who came up with a award winning pickup line:

Pranjal: So are you married?

Me: *Blank* <> Not yet atleast

Pranjal: But I am !

Shruti (aka Shoozie coz her shoes are choozie) made a threatening entry.

Shoozie: Today you are going back with fewer teeth ! How dare you call me Navjot Sidhu?

Me: How the hell did you come to know that? I had lost a few teeth from Shishir's dentures but I had told noone about it !

Salome was probably the most tortured one of all ! As if remembering so many names on her first meet was easy, almost everybody she met was introducing themself as Shishir. On top of it she didnt even like the food. She spent the entire evening ordering take-out from another restaurant.

We also had a foreign import in our midst - Samyukta who had dark circles - all thanks to mis-information she received about ISB meets happening in some of the other cities. She spent two sleepless nights memorizing GMAT scores for Mumbai admits since she expected us to also play the memory game. For last minute revision she had written down the GMAT scores on a tissue paper. Her exams in childhood days had given her enough training on how to make chits !

The Mumbai meets seem to have really caught the attention of people in other cities. This time we had people visiting from Bangalore - Aishwarya Ravishankar ! And she literally swore that she saw PGK lurking around the corner !

She approached Nishank for help who vowed to fight Mr. PGK until the last drop of wine in Jay's glass ! In the meanwhile Janani was polishing her Taekwando skills while Rachita was training her on the different styles of self-defence she learnt on her incredible India tour ! Together they were gonna be the Karate kittens in ISB !

In the meanwhile PK had managed to walk into the meet. He seemed to be very interested in photography. The two females sitting on the next table will testify to this. He spent nearly 15 minutes with them. Shishir was as usual in his elements. He also got into the photography and seemed to take PK's pics from behind. When asked why he said "PK looks better from behind !" Parag D and Shouvik too had managed to join us. Shouvik had a relatively tough cutting lanes on the express highway.

In the meanwhile Parag D managed to do a Nitin Vishwas. He too walked straight into water. Our better half of the Hedge fund buddies Amit had come along with his wife. On their way Amit almost got robbed. Only his sound I-banking instincts managed to get him out of this one.

Shweta Divecha wouldnt give Shishir the number of the photographer who had taken her perfect picture because she like Shah Jahan had cut off the hands of that photographer. Akansha was there too but she would call Sharmaji every 5 minutes to check what he was doing. In case he was going to have an iota of fun in her absence, she would immediately head home and take 'corrective' action. Yakeen nahin? Sharmaji se poocho !

Poor restaurant ! They had a torrid time with us being there with all that noise. Infact to cancel our noise they tried to play loud music too ! But come hell or high water things were not gonna change.

From there we decided to go to Ghetto. Quite a few of us split from there while most carried over the action to Ghetto at midnight. We were joined by Delli-6 awardee and the oldest waiting ISBian-to-be Rishika (admit since R2 Class of 2009) ! The ultraviolet light inside the ghetto was just about right for some more action !

This was when I decided to play the little Vodka trick. I filled a glass of chilled water and took it around as if it was real Vodka. I offered Pranjal a sip from my drink which she accepted without much hesistation. But she found it strong ! After all water is heavier than Vodka ! Ditto with Rachita who had one for the road ! Am I evil or what ? All the ladies except Rishika bid adieu. We were then joined by Colonel Muthoo (Sandeep) and Mr. 10 minutes (Sid).

Soon we were joined by PK's two angels (from the Tasting Room) and hence PK got busy again. But Shishir had started feeling jealous now. So he went to them and took PK's case in front of them. So much for the Bachi-kuchi ijjat !

Towards the end Shishir was feeling 500 bucks too rich. So he decided to bet with PK. The bet: would Rishika know my name? The result: Rishika could only tell that my name started with V. So much for Hugo weaving's character ! A famous saying - Shishir and his money are soon parted!

From there at about 1.30 am we decided to head to Red Lights (a pub). It was closed. Then we went to Polyester. It was open but the cover charges were too exorbitant. So we decided to go to Bade Miyan ! We had all the Bade Miyan specials - the bhunas and the rolls.

Shishir to waiter: "Arre yaar ! Mujhe Bhaida roti khana hai. Lekin mujhe Bachhe paida karna hai toh roti mein Tel jyada mat dalna. Doctor ne bola hai !" (Wonder which fertility clinic he went to!)

Over the next hour we had awesome conversation to go with the awesome food. Shishir was frequently interupted by the waiter and asked not to be too loud as people in nearby buildings were sleeping. By 3.30am we were done and tired.

Its been a long but Galatically awesome night. Hopefully these are clear signs of things to come in the next one year !

P.s: The history of Smack D's blogs -

ISB MMX Mumbai Meet-up 9.5 (The M Files)

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 04:30:00 +0000

Mumbai 9.5 happened on Wednesday 4th March at Apna dhaba, Andheri. After the grand chaos of Mumbai 9.0 where a sizeable crowd had gathered, Mumbai 9.5 was borne out of the necessity to connect better - courtesy a smaller crowd. So around 6-7 people were expected but we finally had about 14 people (Half of whom were waitlist-to-admit junta). So the spirits were high !

The meet began on a rather shocking note ! Discovered a species I didnt believe existed ! Enter re-applicant-cum waitlist convert no. 1: Shruti Narayan ! Shruti had managed to do the unthinkable - she not only laughed at all of Shishir's jokes (Yup ! ALL of them) but understood them at first crack ! And her infectious laugh ensured the others laughed along with her as well. That left even Shishir shocked - something he thought was not possible in his lifetime.

We had in our midst a mystery women who would answer to the name M. You are most likely to spot her in Milan wearing Diesel branded clothes and being chased by Diesel salesman !

Her initial experience was good till the point the crowd mixed and she found herself sitting next to me. Food had just been served! Our conversation began as follows:

M: Anything vegetarian on the table?

Me: Yup ! 4 pcs of Nimbu and Pudina chatni !

She didnt know what hit her ! And she took a long time to recover. Hope I didnt put her off future meets !

Soon the discussion veered towards Laptops. At this point the man who answers to Gandhiji (and its derivatives) was at his best. Somebody asked him as to how one could gauge the speed of laptops ! To which he answered "You know its got a good speed if it can go from Powai to Ghatkopar in 10 mins".

Then the debate on the best possible laptop - I proposed the Napkin ! It saved your lap, was extremely light, came in different colours & foldable into smaller sizes but unfortunately other than Pruthvi (who is a salesman's paradise) I found no takers !

Sid is Shishir's bunny i.e. Shishir can pull Sid's legs in 12 different directions at the same time (depending on Vaastu) ! All evening we had moments that were full of that. At one point when they sat next to each other we had to clear the forks and knives from the table just in case Sid would attempt to kill Shishir.

We also had the Angel Broker Red riding hood Neha in our midst. She was most of the time caught in the cross fire between Shishir and Sid. Poor girl was so traumatized by the experience that she was thinking twice even before uttering a word lest she got engaged in a cross-fire !

Shishir's childhood buddy Shweta was there. Shishir says that she is responsible for all his childhood's memories (and we all know that Shishir had a very disturbing childhood) !

Our Colonel Weed (Sandeep) was mostly busy plotting the next coup along with his deputy Vikram. He had arranged for the funding from M**hoot Finance for his deadly mission.

We were joined in very late by Shishir's biggest admirer PK - for whom Shishir is nothing less than a magnet ! Wherever Shishir is present he follows - both in real world as well as the world wide web ! He was seen restlessly roaming around Apna Dhaba when Sid sat next to Shishir ! He would have almost wanted to kill Sid ! He and Amit quicky swooped on the group with the hedge fund idea ! And they found takers ! They invested my money in the laughing stocks ! I could now see their future:

Amit's enthusiasm was understandable given his exposure to childhood failytales.

We also had Maninder Gulati in our midst who was webcasting our meet on the net ! He told us about his years at ITC where he started out in the tobacco division but had to shift after he got addicted to it. Then he was enjoying at Product development for Fiama Di Wills where he would test the products on female models - a very much hands-on approach. Unfortunately fearing a s**ual harassment case he fled to where he was today !

We also had the 2nd Parag (Panjwani) in the group who was almost on a maun vrat ! He reminded me of a Blockbuster Kannada movie called "Tirupati" whose tagline was "When God is silent, he is violent" ! True to his name he uttered only Paanch Vaani during the entire evening. A quick message from our sponsorers -

The meet was a lot of fun with jokes and puns flying all over !

For all the guys/gals of other cities, the secret behind the successful Mumbai meets:

Try it and see the difference !

ISB MMX Mumbai Meet-up 9.0 (The M Files)

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 04:30:00 +0000

Mumbai 9.0 was destined to be different from the others in the fact that we would have both R1 and R2 junta partying together. Also since winter is almost over quite a few R1 public woke up from their hibernation. So an overwhelming number of junta were gonna be there this time.

Deciding the venue was tricky and opinions varied on choice of venue. But in R2 we had the batch's 'poster-boy' Hardik who wooed the public opinion in favour of Sportz Bar at Phoenix Mills.

So it was Sportz Bar on 21st Feb at 6.30pm. About 28 people had confirmed.

Quite a few of us were there well before time so ensure we got seats before the weekend crowd got in. In no time quite a sizeable crowd had poured in. A few were running late (by about 40 minutes ... eggxact !!) while the others preferred to walk slow.

Our Restless fish had always wished for a representative gender ratio in the meets and today he got exactly that. But the space constraint meant we sat on two tables and mixing didnt happen. So we started playing musical chairs to mix and match. We had a lot of introductions but not all of them were as smooth as desired.

Fresh from the onslaught of Dev D a couple of sundays back, Parag barged in rather late but pretty much ready to model his evening to be Parag D. (Yes ! He got sloshed, emotional and puky). In fact he puked so much that the traffic police has now put up a new sign on the narrow road in front of Sportz Bar.

We had a special appearance by the relentless traveller Rachita Paes (not Pace) who finally decided to tour Mumbai after being done with other parts of India. By the way I had last seen her in Rajasthan next to a camel.

The meet was pretty much chaotic in the sense that there was action everywhere. I missed quite a bit of it because I too busy concentrating on the Pop Corn on my table. But it can be summed up by the following questions which made up for 75% of the conversations mainly:

1. "I am sorry, what was your name?"

2. "Oh sorry, I think I am asking you this for the third time."

3. "Are you from R1 or R2?"

because of the fairly large number of new people you had met.

I met quite a few stand-out junta. But the 3 people who need special mention:

There was this "random" guy whose name I am withelding upon request (read bribe). He is such a people-oriented chap that he has "U" in his name and not the selfish "I". That too inspite of staying in Powa"I" in Mumba"I" and working for Delo"I"tte.
Then we had an ex-Army commando who if I reveal on the blog will make me the 11th casualty on his 'laid to rest' list assuming nobody else gets lucky. By the way he informed that he was primarily a 'farmer' into 'weeds' and by depositing the money in a famed finance institution in Kerala he got lot of interest (13%) which helped him double his savings. He's gonna be the Captain 'G' on campus. And he got an enormous kick because the drink was served to him by 'Ialive' Nishant.
We had Sid who is not just any-Gandhi but Ne-gandhi. He is a CA at PWC and is rumoured to have leaked the Oscar winner's list by signing his name below. He was seen doing two things passionately - defending PWC & challenging that Ghatkopar was 10 mins away from Powai.

Later in the night we were joined by the 'barb-wired' couple Aviral & Neha, so our Parag D let loose a barrel of emosonal atyachar on them. By then the evening had been set-up nicely for a passionate outburst by all people drunk and senseless. It involved talks of life, emotions and politics. For the mintues of meeting please contact our poster boy 'Hardik'.

By the time things were done and dusted it was over 1am. A idea floated that we go some place to eat after all the booze but figured that it was better to split for the night since most of us were out of cash while Hardik was out of chances (he was already pulled up by his mom on thursday for turning up hic ... hic at 4am in the morning).

All in all a Saturday well spent. Guess the next one is gonna be even more rocking since the 75% contributor (ref questions 1 to 3 above) will be out of the equation. Also we have our consultant Akansha using her skills to tell us how we can cut costs involved in the meet. Till then this is Smack D signing off !

Smack D's memory test of the day: How many names and faces can you recollect correctly?

Next meet: A special quiz on who's who !

ISB MMX R1 Awards (The M-files)

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 04:30:00 +0000

Now that the R2 admits have started streaming in its time to announce the Smack D R1 awards:

1. The over-abused term: "My two cents" (its beginning to get on the nerves of most people)

2. Most words typed per mail: Vivek - the hands down winner (btw hands would have to be down in order to type)

3. Maxim zeal for uploaded files: Tom (just keeps 'em coming)

4. Artistically challenged: Pankaj Poddar (for his controversial and universally accepted logo)

5. Successful Marketing campaign: Chalo Chennai (with the huge number of underwhelming responses)

6. FODU (Father of Doc Updates) - Nikhil (aka Narnikhil)

7. Versatility: Restless Charmer / Restless Fish (and btw now restless is a official four letter word for him)

8. Shakesphere's muse: The bee in the bonnet (who says "My name is a name is a name" and has different 'official' spellings for the same name. Shakesphere once asked "whats in a name?". Her reply "Whats in the spelling of the name?")

9. Discount Ninja: Jiggy aka Jignesh Shah (who can bargain a discount on anything including something thats free !!)

10. Diet coke Keshto: Ashwin (for messing up directions to the restaurant after two shots of Diet coke)

11. The truck stopping show-stopper: Rishi Dogra (Late night adventurist on the Lonavala highway)

12. The Chaddi buddy: Pallavi aka PJ (for taking the Pink chaddi campaign to the Ram Sene)

13. Byomkesh Bakshi: Vivek Pandey (for finding the three reasons behind crimes)

14. Relentless traveller: Rachita (done with India !)

15. Ms. Youtube: Sreejita (who is googling away the oglers !)

16. Most expensive mails: MRC (for promised sum of Rs. 1 lakh for the best B-plan which could go upto 1 crore)

There were more but I just ran out of awards !

How ISB Co2010 will revive the economy

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 04:30:00 +0000

Of late I have seen a lot of debate on Y! groups on how we can revive the economy. One thing we all agree upon is that each one of us has to contribute in some way or the other to revive the economy. So here is Smack D's prescription on how my fellow classmates can 'contribute':

1. Each one gift one: The best way to kickstart any economy is to target 'internal consumption'. (Source: MRC / New article on ISB site thread). So I suggest that all you guys buy me something on your way to ISB. Remember the better the investment you make for my gift, the bigger the stimulus the economy gets. Let me take two cases to explain: Mr. A buys me a Eclairs candy and Mr. B buys me a Porsche. Now how much of value can Mr. A add to the economy - not very significant !

While Mr. B adds a lot. One he buys me a expensive car. I invest on the fuel, tyres and maintenance. Oil companies and the retailers earn from the fuel. They are going to invest this money somewhere and grow it. More money means more spending power. More spending means the currency flow in the market is better. Economy gains !!

2. Bring on the ladies: Its a well known fact that in India men spend more on women than anybody else because they are more chivalrous than their western counterparts. So somebody please write a mail to Mr. Menon asking him to take as many women as possible in R2 for economy's sake (not for the safety in numbers that our restless charmer advocates for) ! Also the higher the number of women graduating from ISB the better for economy coz' women love shopping. I am sure most of the pay would go towards shopping and more shopping ! Economy gains again !!

3. Show me the money: Bank balances look good but they do no good to the economy. So after you have spent enough on women and my gifts I suggest that you hand over all your money and life savings to me, so that I can splurge and try my level best to boost the economy !

Any more suggestions are surely welcome.

ISB MMX Mumbai Meet-up 6.0 (The M Files)

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 04:30:00 +0000

Prologue: Mumbai 6.0 (Chati ka Wine) happened on 20th (Tuesday). I am no longer gonna call them meet-ups as they have ceased to be just that ! And like how wine gets better with age they seem to be getting better and better each time we hang out together !

Mumbai 6.0 started at Woodside Inn, Colaba. I happened to reach there pretty early. Nobody had turned up and going by the resposne I saw on Y! Groups I didnt expect many to turn up either. What I knew of sure was our Restless buddy was definitely gonna be there - come hell or high water. Called him and found out that he was gonna take atleast another half'n hour or so to reach. So went inside and sat at a table for 6 people. But sitting alone at a table for 6 was gonna be socially tricky. But thankfully I knew the way out !

After about a Iced Tea and a plate of mashed potatoes later Ashwin arrived. He had a flight to catch at 7am so he had made up his mind to leave by 9 - 9.30 pm. Mumbai's lifeline Shishir soon joined us and thus we were truly on our way in the evening. Soon we had our newcomer for the evening Ayush joining us. His intro was followed by a conversation between him and Shishir which went on as follows:

Soon Jay was kind enough to join us and give us a candid hour-by-hour breakup on how he spent his day at work which included lots of pretending to work followed by real sessions of Counter strikes !! Earlier that day Jay was having a hard time telling his boss that he was resigning !

Soon Sreejita joined us. And which is when the wine started flowing by the bottle (which had come with a interesting label).

Meanwhile some place else, Shouvik and Parag met up to come to Woodside Inn together. To kickstart a conversation which had nothing to do how the day went, Shouvik showed a few cool stuff on his bike.

During our conversation Sreejita was her usual charming self. To counter her we had the restless charmer. And boy did he do an awesome job ! Sreejita was overwhelmed at the end of the day and kneeled with her "juicy" hands to the king in gratitude as "she couldnt even get there" !

The bottles of wine seemed never-ending ! But since we had decided to move to a pub to do some more rocking stuff the wine marathon had to finally end.

While all this was happening it was rumoured that Niraj who was in Film City, Goregaon was busy with ....

(Anybody guess ki Niraj ne kaunsa seat liya !)

We then moved to Tavern where Niraj joined us. There were about 3 rounds of Tequila shots followed by what were the "moments" of the evening when all of us started swinging n head-bangin to the cool rock music that was being played at Tavern. Then spontaneously we formed a train and choo-chooed our way around the entire pub. We were like long lost buddies making the best of every moment we had that evening. We were there till the pub realized that the only way to evict us was to close down. But we were not done yet !

We then moved to get a awesome sea-side view at Malabar road. But our time there was short as the cops thought that we were nothing more than a couple of drunk kids with a ladiez. Seeing that we were with cars the cops wanted to carry out a breath analyzer test. Since the car belonged to Jay, he had to take the test. And he passed !! But he didnt stop there ....

Soon we headed to a Bistro as some of us were hungry. But we met with some strong opposition from Shishir who wanted the "three things" ! Shouvik managed to find a place that met his requirements ! But there was always a catch .....

So naturally Shishir backed out !

Then we got back to our original plan of going to a bistro. There we had dessert first (Roshogulla, Phirni, chocolate cakes etc etc) and then had some chicken and paneer !! during all this Sreejita was busy fidgeting with her Blackberry & Shishir was not happy about that ... so he let her know that the mobile phone can be switched off and kept in the bag without any major catastrophe happening to it ! But Sreejita had a spiritual answer to it ....

By 4am the wine (and in case of Ashwin the diet coke) started kicking in and we remembered that we had go to work next day morning while Ashwin had to catch a flight! Poor dude wanted to leave by 9.30 pm ... but ended up going at 4 am !! Ironically he couldn't sleep well in the plane later and he found a able companion with a similar ailment ....

Fun can be so addictive ! All in all it was a night well spent and one that kept getting better by the minute !

Epilogue: There were lot more funny / grouse details that I left out deliberately coz' the post is getting very lengthy! ISB Mumbai truly rocks !!

ISB MMX Mumbai Meet-up 5.0 (The M Files)

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 04:30:00 +0000

Mumbai meet up (no. 5) happened at "Not Just Jazz by the bay". There were a few new faces like Ashwin & Niraj. There was a awesome buffet laid out that afternoon but handling it was tricky. But being smart ISBians we had a solution to it.

By the time lunch was done Parag joined us. It is when we decided to have the legendary one-line intro session. Parag had a relatively tough time explaining it.

Aviral was having it relatively easy with the intro before "tragedy" struck, the consequence of which Neha made him pay later in the night.

Meanwhile it was almost 3pm and Shouvik had still had not shown up. Meanwhile on the other end of the town Shouvik was racing against time to reach the place as soon as possible.

By the time Shouvik made it, it was time to split. Most of them left except for the 6 of us (Shishir, Parag, Shouvik, Jay, Ashwin & me) who decided it was too early to call it a day. So we headed to Leopold's Cafe and a few of us drank like a fish. Our discussion was on "diverse" topics which included the probable size of the pool (that we were gonna get dunked in the future), a few individuals who were gonna be with us at ISB etc. With all that booze people were in the mood to get naughty. Unfortunately for Mr. XXXXX, he happened to message Shishir at that time. We decided to play a small prank on him pretending to be sloshed. Though Ashwin had not gulped even a drop of booze that day he acted like a professional drunkard on the phone with Mr. XXXXXX. I hope the poor dude didnt freak out or get offended.

By 7.30 pm we decided we had enough of booze for the day but we were not done with having a wonderful time. We decided to take it one step higher to Marine Drive. There we had coffee and chips and talked more and more. Jay tried real hard to get a discount on the coffee + chips combo but ultimately was kept at bay.

By 9pm we thought of catching a bite and then heading home. We decided on Apoorva. Except Shouvik and Ashwin nobody knew the direction to Apoorva. I tagged along with Shouvik on the latter's bike and reached Apoorva in 5 minutes. Then we waited .. waited .. and waited !

Meanwhile .....

Finally Ashwin managed to bring them to Apoorva. Then a few of us ordered something to eat. Shishir was too full (and tull) to eat anything so he wanted some Lime soda. So the waiter asked him "Sir, you want your lime soda sweet or salty?" to which Shishir answered "Medium!". I cant explain the look on the waiter's face at that exact moment. But he was in store for more when Parag asked him to bring a "Sweet lime soda salted".

Jay wanted some more booze but didnt get what he wanted to. So tried to discount whatever he was getting. He didnt get that either !

After that finally at 10.30 pm we split for the day to call it a night. But the fun didnt end there !

Shishir reached home and his mom opened the door. The conversation was something like this:

Meanwhile after Shouvik dropped me at the Andheri flyover he saw a cop at the next turn. So he came up with a innovative idea to beat the cop and reach home without a fine.

All in all, it was a day well spent. Each minute was getting better than the previous minute. Cant wait for the next one !

ISB MMX Mumbai Meet-up 1.0 (The M Files)

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 04:30:00 +0000

Mumbai guys/gals met last Sunday and had a rocking time with some unbelivable moments in it for everyone of us.

We had a huge turnout of very diverse Junta which was young at heart out of which some of where restless :-) The restaurant was so overwhelmed by our presence that they arranged for a live performance of Saif for us free of charge. The turnout was so huge that intros itself took about 4 hours.

In between we had some lunatics at the restaurant who were very loud and eating like hogs and spilling quite a signifacnt amount of drinks and food near us. One of us who was a expert on healthy living sms'd using Webaroo (SMS Gupshup) and asked them to eat in a more dignified manner. But the lunatics started to get abusive - vebally and physically. We had Karate champ cum lawyer in our midst who with one chop flattened them out like dosa and threatened to sue them. The lunatics were huge in numbers but we had a consultant in our midst who suggested a few ideas after which the copywriter duo came to the rescue. They immediately copied the Karate guy left and right and we won.

We celebrated the victory with our national bird "The tandoori chicken" and the national drink "The Patiala peg". In fact time flew so fast and it was so much fun that we ended up having Dinner too at the same place.

By the time the bill came we found that none of us had enough cash. But fortunately we had a 5 star hotel manager in our midst who helped us settle the bill in a much amicable manner without having to do the dishes. Next day our meet was all over news channels since we had a TV Producer in our midst. We also got extensive coverage by the print media since one of our junta was a journo there.

It was a time that could easily not have been forgotten :-)

TV Soaps

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 04:30:00 +0000

Never has anything had the same effect on Indian TV audience as much as TV Soaps have. Over the years they have degenerated from being a healthy dose of masala to an overdose of rat poison. Blame it all on Ekta Kapoor for her masterful contribution to the retardation of Indian TV programming.

For me the memory of daily soaps started with the twin epic saga called "Swabhimaan" and "Shanti" which were entertaining in the initial days but saw massive decomposition in their story once they ran out of genuineness. From there on it was just dragging for the sake of dragging it on. And once Ekta Kapoor started with her K-serials it just went downhill with rampant stereotyping.

Ingredients in a TV Soap

1. One Tablespoon of Adarsh Bahu

Come rain, storm, deceit or an epidemic, the cornerstone of any joint family is the adarsh bahu who shalt not wither from her idealistic stance. If only god had given her some brains along with those 'family values' we would be saving ourselves from half the troubles.

2. Two tea spoons of the Vamp

A plotting vamp is the lifeline of the soap. If left to the adarsh bahu we would only see a drab version of a ultra-goody depiction of our daily lives. A vamp wins for 99% of the airtime and gets the best of make-up. Her plans never fail. She lives luxuriously. So if you want to play a character in your daily lives vamp is the one of die for. Thanks to TV soaps 'vamp' is now a commonly used word.

3. The never-say-die Baa

This eternal character lives up to the name literally. She just wouldn't die despite how many 20 year jumps the serial takes.

4. The back-from-the-dead husband

Despite numerous assassination attempts and countless funerals, the husband refuses to take things dying down. Blown up cars and crashed flights dont stop him. He always finds some manner of escaping death. Cant blame him because maybe he hasnt watched the "Final Destination" trilogy.

Throw all this together and you have the ingredients ready !

Preparation

Open any Sanskrit/Hindi textbook and eenie-mynie-mo any word on any page. Thats the name you give to the lead characters in the soap - Pratigya, Sanskar, Aabha, Tulsi, Parvati, Om etc etc

Then open Bhagwad Gita or Mahabharata and choose a random set of Sanskrit slokas and play them at different moments regardless of their relevance to the context or content. 99.99% of Indians dont understand Sanskrit slokas and this number can only go up so nobody cares on what the slokas mean.

Constantly innovate by killing different people in the family and get their wives or husbands married off to somebody. This helps complicate things when the husband/wife return from the dead. Add memory loss and you have the perfect pot-boiler. Repeat till everybody has been married atleast a couple of times and the audience has lost count.

Initially all the soaps tracked the lives of 'Gujju' families and once they were out of the Gujju jokes they turned to Rajasthani families. You will also find different types of BS thrown at you coated in sanskrit names - Raj Purohit, Vish-pind, Mahakaal dand etc etc. Those are the ones which put all this retardity at its peak! I wish that they took 20yr leaps every episode and died off in 5 episodes.

The Garnishing

Why are they called daily soaps when all they do is mess up with sanity. After messing with mythology, some of the soaps have now moved to mess history. Case-in-point being - 'Jhansi ki rani'. A few others have decided to mess up song lyrics - Sasural genda phool, Sapna Baabul ka, Chand Chupa Baadal mein etc. Others have incorporated popular songs in them and have scarred us with the choreography.

The only benefactors of TV soaps are glycerin companies. I have seen better plays by kindergarten kids than these retarded TV soaps. But who's listening ?

Smacking News

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 02:10:00 +0000

More Load Shedding to be made part of NDA Common Minimum Program: BJP

BJP top brass decided to take a strategic timeout from infighting to make some sort of a election-winning strategy in view of the forthcoming polls. They decided to make 3 versions of the Common Minimum Program to effectively segment and target the vote-bank: The Hindu trance, Muslim Lounge mix and Dalit Rhapsody.

They decided that they need to further hardline its Hindutva policy. Now along with pre-marital sex they'll also oppose post-marital sex. Since consultant engineered fake data by fresh MBA geeks claims that 90% of the Indians have sex at night, BJP govt has promised extensive Load shedding at night.

They also claimed this would bring down fiscal deficit by reducing expenditure on building public sanitary facilities. When its dark, do your deed anywhere. This would also reduce the demand for water. And considering that most of us drink Pepsi / Coca Cola this would indirectly make more cheap pesticide available for the farmers.

This also presents itself as a boom opportunity for several industries as the rich will buy more inverters thus increasing consumption of electricity and chemicals while the poor will use lanterns and candles. Insurance sector will also see higher demand for fire insurance. Laptop batteries will also see a higher sale. As electric-powered machines are rendered useless, demand for manual labor will also go up. The GDP growth will be unprecedented.

It is also considering to favorably look at MRF's demand to intervene and see to it that blimps replace signboards.

Pakistan gets itself Facebooked

Pakistan government has banned Facebook in the country. This was after Deoband clerics issued Fatwa against Facebook because it promotes full facial nudity. Supposedly none of the profile pics had burqa.

US President Obama was unhappy with this considering that most of his fans on Facebook are Pakistanis. To make matters more complicated Pakistan made him a offer - "We shut down all Terror camps if you shut down all Facebook servers".

Meanwhile Facebook has decided to rename itself Kitaab-e-Chehra to get around the ban. Works? Ask LeT. Err .. JuD says experts.

In completely unrelated news, Pakistan President Zardari granted pardon to his interior minister who was convicted by Courts on corruption. Mayawati now wants UP in Pakistan.

Since Facebook was banned, most Pakistanis didn't know that their cricket team had made it to the Semifinals of the T20 World Cup by beating SA. So later they found it hard to believe that the jehadis had not bombed a single place to make that happen.

Govt. of India issues advisory: Movie-Goers Beware !

The Government today issued an advisory especially for all the movie-going public due to increased number of cases of two epidemics deemed prominent in a movie theater. The diseases in question being CellulaRetardity & MovieSidhuism.

CellulaRetardity is spread by those persons in the movie theater who havent mastered the art of putting cellphones on silent. They show symptoms of receiving their calls and talks like its in their living room.

MovieSidhuism is spread by those persons in the movie theater who laugh out loud at each and every joke regardless of merit. It may also make you wonder if you are missing the joke somewhere. There is no scientific treatment available currently but some experts have suggested that shooting the diseased in the head might help. So take your shotguns to the theater next time.

Bollywood bytes

After the failure of his recent movies and success of Badmaash Company, Shahid kapoor's astrologer has asked his producers to name his next few movies as Kutte, Kulta, Harami and Maa ki Aankh. He told Shahid that only way he can have a successful love-life with Kareena Kapoor is by naming her Kameena Kapoor.

Opinion polls suggest that ToI's 'Aman ki Asha' hasnt taken off in the way they hoped for. It is believed that the major reason for its failure is that it sounds more like a sequel to the Aman Verma casting couch controversy than any peace initiative.

SmackD's express 8 news headlines

1. Mahila Swabhiman Sangh to sue the IT Sector for always releasing 'beta' versions and never 'beti' versions

2. In India 'bit.ly' to extend its services to names also. We have a lot of really long South Indian names.

3. Anu Malik says "I am on a Diet. So i refuse to eat my words or swallow my pride. Cant afford these extra calories"

4. Since it competes with Kindle, Apple shareholders demand that a more apt name for iPad would be 'iFondle'.

5. Construction sector all set to see a boom in coming future with falling input prices. This comes with improving supply conditions as BCCI shits bricks over Lalit Modi.

6. Iranian cleric says women's cleavages cause earthquakes. Mixing religion with science was never a smart move.

7. Rakhi Sawant "I wont expose anymore". Industry hopes she that she doesn't start acting.

8. In a exclusive survey done among Twitterers in India, 98% public follow celebs for one reason that they know when they are taking out their BMWs. Thats the time to stay home and not be run over.

Cycle Singh : Salesman of the Year

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 05:53:00 +0000

ITC hired me to fight the war for them in the market. To win wars you must first start by winning the battles. And to win you must fight. Nothing ever is straightforward. When you are out there fighting, remember all is Fair & Lovely in war.

SmackD Trivial fact #1 : By the way you know you are in FMCG when you are using a TLA i.e. Three letter acronym for every terminology - POP, NTD, SWD, SCP, RBD etc etc

The new hires at ITC are called AUTs (Assistants Under Training). After training we all have to assist our commander i.e. the Branch Manager in the battles. Till then we are referred to as "ITC ke Damaad" for we are fed, pampered and well taken care of without the pressure of any deliverables.

I was sent to learn the tricks of the trade to Nagpur branch which handles Vidharba region and Chattisgarh. To be a good leader you must be able to empathize and relate to your subordinates. So ITC puts us through every hierarchy in the command chain - right from the Dealer Salesman to Area Manager in every business - right from Cigarettes to Grocery.

A Dealer Salesman (DS) is our foot soldier. Well, not exactly. He's our cycle soldier though most of them now have bikes. A few still ply their trade on cycles especially those servicing localities with narrow roads and dense traffic. So my stint in ITC starts as a cycle salesman.

3 steps to becoming a Cycle salesman:

Step 1: Get your cycle. This HERO "new jet series" was my launch vehicle.

Step 2: Load the cigarettes in your thela

Step 3: Load the thelas onto your cycle

There you go ! In three easy steps you have now become a cycle salesman.

SmackD Trivial fact #2 : You know you are a Engineer if you are thinking that we can rationalize the load distribution on both sides of the cycle for optimal pedaling effort. If you are ... God help you !

A cycle salesman mainly sells to the 'Paan Dukaans' aka 'Paan Thelas' aka 'Paan ki Tapris'. So we were on our way cycling through the streets of Nagpur visiting various Paan dukaans and selling cigarette packs to them.

Different thoughts cross your mind when you are cycling under the hot sun through those streets. No No No ! You philosophical junkies. Your whole life doesn't flash before your eyes ! Just thoughts and nothing deep.

SmackD Trivial fact #3 : You know you are a MBA if you are looking at the relatively impoverished streets and wondering how you can extract value from the bottom of the pyramid. If you are ... Get a life or go get shot !

By the way we all know Cigarettes are not allowed to advertise on popular media like TVs, billboards etc. The only place you can 'brand' is on/inside the paan dukaan.

We visited about 40 odd outlets during the day. In the morning if you got on that cycle thinking you were the ultimate street smart MBA in the quest for limitless power, by evening you would be a collective noun for tired muscles looking for a place to park that sore ass.

While you are cycling through those streets, people look at you in amazement. Such well-dressed guy on a cycle ? They must surely be thinking what all our educated-but-unemployed youth must do today just to survive :)

Two days later I upgraded from a non-mechanized two-wheeler to a mechanized two-wheeler i.e. a bike.

Then the day we had to sell Non-Tobacco Division (NTD) products i.e. in layman terms choclates, chips, biscuits etc I was upgraded to a mechanized 3-wheeler.

After the ultimate path-breaking exploits in the Nagpur cigarette market, the Branch Manager has upgraded my Designation from Assistant Under Training (AUT) to CHairman Under Training (CHUT).

Anyways, these 5 days introduced to me a world I never imagined existed. It is an eye-opening experience and the true take-away from all this is a sense of respect and empathy for the men who do this everyday.

PPT - Pre-Planned Torture

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 01:30:00 +0000

We have all seen numerous presentations - loved a few but mostly suffered because of them. What is it about them that makes them so lovable as well as highly irritable? All of them are made on MS Powerpoint so lets not blame Bill Gates for this one.

There was time when these powerpoints had a point. Now whenever I see another ppt I literally go "WTF ! Not another retarded ppt. Please God. Please !" Most PPTs can serve their purpose by using just the handouts since the presenter is simple reading out from them. No added inputs from him. You sit there and wonder if you are in a nursery school and the teacher is reading out the lullaby to you.

Powerpoint has been given this cult status mainly by MBAs especially the ones plying their trade in the Consulting trade who live by the motto "If you cant convince them, bore them". They show all sorts of graphs, throw in all sorts of numbers/facts and excruciating details in the introduction which the audience doesnt care two hoots about. Why dont those morons get to the real part of analysis and the recommendations?

Marketing guys are not far behind but better only because they are trying to con us and not bore us to death. Their idea of pain is making fancy names and terms for simple tasks. Pasting brand posters is called "Activation strategy". Profit making is called "Value Capturing". The list is endless.

All said and done you can put any presentation in the world under SmackD's 2x2 matrix of PPTs.

There are two aspects to any presentation - Presenter and Content. A combination of both determines what we gain out of the PPT.

1. Cool Hand Luke (Good Presenter :: OK Content): The presenter would keep his audience engaged through jokes and some neat articulation. But at the end of the presentation you would heaping praises on the presenter but in reality you do not have much of a take-away because he/she just entertained.

2. Master Yoda (Bad Presenter :: Good Content): Totally opposite of the above. The Presenter in most cases would be outrightly boring but if we are able to look past that you would find that whatever he is presenting is really good and you walk out richer in terms of understanding/knowledge. If only he/she could articulate they would leave you with a positive after-taste.

3. Death Angel (Bad Presenter :: Bad Content): They are the ones chosen by the devil himself to deliver "Death by Powerpoint". Boring content. Lifeless speaker. You would prefer being flogged ass-naked in public than sit through a minute of such presentations. To make matters worse these presentations will be longer than any average presentation and the pace would be painstakingly slow.

4. RockStar (Good Presenter :: Good Content): These are the ones who make a powerpoint presentation orgasmic and leave you wanting more. They are clever, funny and articulate well. They keep it simple enough and the PPTs are usually written in spoken english as if every point was speaking to you.

So where do in SmackD's do you wanna be?

Singh is (Retard) King

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 01:30:00 +0000

I might be blogging a little late on this. But rather late than never.

For me 'Singh is King' is as retarded as retarded can be. I could never understand how it ever become a 'hit' ? To be honest I would rather pick my nose than watch 'Singh is King'.

Akshay Kumar and me share the same happy wala birthday. So I usually judge his films from the softest corner of my heart. Even that couldn't make me like 'Singh is King'. The entire first scene with Akki chasing the hen was retardity of the highest order. It had the potential to make people puke on themselves. And the last scene where Akki is savng Kat while accidentally taking 'pheras' made me feel the same way I felt in those sex-ed lectures at school where they would shamelessly insult your intelligence. The only two good parts in the movie was the 'Intermission' and 'The End'.

The entire range of jokes involving paralysed man on wheelchair was disgusting and not funny. I dont know why film makers in the last 50 years have not been able to come up with anything other than the cliched 'Surds are good with pure hearts of gold' dialogues.

I heard there are 3 follow up movies planned to Singh is King - Kaur Is Queen, Prince & Yuvraaj. The last two are the same Patiala pegs - 1 in lota & 1 in mug. Oops !! My news is slightly outdated. The last two in fact have already got made and have ran very successfully i.e. People managed to run as far as they can from them very successfully.

Apparently Havells wants to sponsor "Kaur Is Queen" since they too love to insult intelligence which is clearly depicted in their ads. Maaza is also giving them tough competition. In a bold display of surrogate advertising, their Aamsutra ads are designed to look like a cryptic trailer for Kaur Is Queen. Some of their smart MBA employees have roped in Katrina by giving her Pulp Equity.

Not to be left behind, attention-seeker Hard Kaur has claimed that Kaur is Queen is based loosely on her life. Thats because someone told her that the movie was about bad dancing and silicon implants.

Still to be fair, 'Singh is King' had some good things about it. For starters it makes the Axe ads look intelligent. The movie has also helped medical research. Javed Jaffrey's expressions during his dialogue delivery gave insights about constipated people.

To conclude, Harman Baweja's acting career teaches us that not everything in life has a purpose. Dont believe me ? Watch his movies for proof:

Theory of Relatives-ity

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 02:10:00 +0000

My elder sister is expecting her first child this year. I am very excited and looking forward to playing uncle to my nephew / niece. Would be a god-level experience.

Our Ancestors were very vella (jobless) in their time. They needed to fill their lives with more excitement. So in our culture they made a custom of celebrating every possible occasion with rituals. So pregnancy is no different. In English this ritual is called Baby shower. We call it Baayake in Tulu.

The downside to such functions is that I get to meet lot of such relatives with whom I would rather avoid sharing the same solar system. Not because I am too awesome for them but they are too retarded for me.

My relatives have no clue what to talk to each other. So they either say 'You have put on weight' OR 'You have lost weight'. Every relative I meet is more bothered about my weight than Manmohan Singh is about Pakistani terrorists. Folks hang on. A enhanced abdomen is not the end of the world. Retards ! Where are the times when a paunch was the symbol of a man's prosperity? If Bill Gates paid $1 to every person who talked of my weight, he would find it difficult to make ends meet.

On a side note, what the hell has happened to the women of my community? They are either Matchsticks or Road rollers or Married.

At other times for a change they also discuss complexion "You have become fair" OR "You seem to have become darker". How socially inept !

Some probable conversations with relatives:

Relative: You seem to become darker

ME: Yeah. I got seduced by the dark side. *facepalm*

Relative: You were small when I last saw you. (13 yrs ago)

ME: I got bitten by a radioactive mosquito hence grew up

Relative: Do u remember me? (A common uncomfortable question)
ME: Usually I dont. Family trees don't come with standard specs you see.

The auspicious time for the function was 12.30pm. Invited and coming - 100 people. Showed up at/before time - 25 people. Oh IST (Indian Stretchable Time) !!! It is quite sometime before we have a sizeable number of people in the hall. We knew the function had started when they placed giant sweets in front of the expecting mother. Those sweets are so huge that if anyone was clobbered with these, they would die of Diabetes. It was an awesome sight.

Family functions during summer is like adding salt to the wounds. Of all functions, I hate 'engagements' purely because matchmaking virus is at its peak during such functions. I wonder why do relatives feel a compulsive need to don their matchmaking hats at every opportunity. Irks me no end. Its like they were born to make matches and ensure nobody is ever left single. I dont think that matchmaking is a resume spike unless you are in that line of business. My relatives take extra care in reminding me that I am next at the wedding altar, provided I don't go on a relatives-only bullet-spraying spree.

The other day I went to a distant cousin's engagement - a cousin I didnt know existed. The MC started the proceedings by giving a all-included retarded intro of all people in the boy's n girl's family. He only stopped short of disclosing their toilet habits. Thank God Mahesh Bhatt isnt here else he would say at every intro 'This is inspired from my life'.

The entire burden of being the saving grace at the function now rests with the Buffet spread. It can make or break the whole occasion. However the lunch only managed to provoke an outrage. Thankfully it didnt turn violent. It was an ideal lunch for people looking to diet. You could come out of the lunch line with nearly nothing on the plate

On a parting note, is killing annoying relatives still outlawed? Anyways remember that you cant choose your relatives but you can choose which ones to shoot first.

Who the F am I ?

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 03:29:00 +0000

How do I describe myself? To put it in short I am - the pride and joy of Mangalore, uber-sledger, hopeless actor, tireless prankster, sinfully handsome, limitlessly talented, astoundingly smart, religiously dedicated, Gandhi-cally sincere, extremely caring, Spartan-ically courageous, spontaneous like a river, Birbal-ically witty, Oscar Wilde-ishly humorous, unbelievably charming, surgically precise, wise like an old fox, sharp like a scalpel, strong like a bull and sensitive like a flower. The only downside to being me is that I am extremely prone to lying in order to impress.

Now onto the part of my life I call “Fictional Reality”. I am basically from Mangalore, Karnataka but did most of my schooling in Guwahati, Assam – a place which is closer to our neighbouring countries more than most places in our own country. I did my Mechanical Engineering from NIT Warangal, Andhra Pradesh (Class of 2006). At this point I thought life was about reducing every imaginable situation to esoteric numerical problems.

By then Ashok Leyland had decided that they wanted some insanity in the organization. They hired me as a Graduate Engineer Trainee (GET). After being rotated in different functions for the first 5 months I realized my calling: Marketing. My marketing project won the 2nd Best project award in my batch of GETs. I joined their Mumbai office to look after After-Sales because I strongly felt that was a role which would keep me closest to customers. There I learnt the fundamental lesson that Marketing teaches you - Customer = Cusht-se-mar.

In April 2009 I joined Indian School of Business to pursue my MBA. At ISB, I was on the Graduate Student Board as the “Director – Operations and Infrastructure Council” for my class. I was also the crusader in the war against Arbit Class Participation and had a very popular blog on the same called “Bakwas Bandh Karo” (BBK). In recognition to the destruction and chaos I had done over the year I was also awarded the “ISB Young Leader Award”.

I am an active blogger and go by the name of “Smack D” in the virtual world. In Jan 2010, ITC recruited me since in the matrix above since I fell in the top right quadrant. Now all I am doing is looking forward to rocking the world of Sales! Anyways all said and done, if you are disappointed at my boring introduction, blame your high expectations. If not, I want my money back !

Division and Rule

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 10:26:00 +0000

The tension in the air was so thick that you could cut it with a knife. Division allocations had never been this competitive and unpredictable. HR had outsourced the process of Division/Business allocation to a Event management company with the hope of converting a cost-incurring activity into a profit-making event. After much brainstorming it was decided that the same would be decided by a Lightsaber fight tournament.

All the AUTs were paired against each other. The girls went for the cliched pink Lightsabers while the men dilly-dallied between green and blue Lightsabers. Some of the guys went ahead and got themselves tattooed with objects unrelated to the event like Skulls and Bats. Based on pre-match activites a few of the AUTs were seen to be a natural fit for some of the Divsions. Considering Tapan took longer than the girls to choose his dresses and dress up, it was decided that he would be allotted the Lifestyle Retailing Division.

Since HR is supposed to be good with managing the most important resources of any organisation, it was decided that they would be made Ringside judges.

The tournament began a week late since the Corporate HR wanted to stay consistent with their "Always 1-week late" theme. The AUTs fought valiantly and most of the matches were close. Finally we had the two surviving finalists Sudhanshu Porwal and Milam Saxena. They fought like how Neo and Anderson fought in 'Matrix Revolutions' inclusive of the special effects. Finally the match ended on even kneel and both of them were declared joint winners. Milam was sent to the Agri-Business Division and Sudhanshu went to Printing and Packaging Business Division while all the other AUTs were banished to ITD where they will spend 60% of their time convincing their friends that "Trade Marketing" is the same as "Sales".

The Event was a huge success. The TRP ratings hit the roof. Google reported that ten times more people played its Lightsaber match game doodle than the PacMan doodle. Lalit Modi has reportedly approached the CEO to make him the Commisioner for next year's event with a promise to glamorise the event with YouTube telecast, real cheerleaders and brand endorsements.

Inspired by the success, the event management company recommended to the Coporate HR that the final posting locations be decided in the same format. That would be a even more glitzy affair and is expected to throw up unpredicatble results. However the bookies have confirmed that the odds of Karan Sehegal being posted to Nagaland is higher than Warren Anderson being extradited to India.

Recipe for Media Stories

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 12:05:00 +0000

"IPL IPL everywhere, only a drop of cricket in it" - Anonymous

The past couple of weeks News channels and newspapers have gone ballistic with the whole IPL thingie. Wild articles containing baseless allegations just for the sake of sensationalism are being written as I type. Its like the world is coming to an end and all these media people think that writing about IPL will cleanse their karma.

Smack D's law of Media hype

The guiding principle to any media story is Smack D's law of Media hype.

"The further away from truth this is, the more sensational it becomes."

Smack D's law of Media Sources

"Thy shalt always quote 'sources' as the basis of your blatant and shameless lies"

Whatever story you present make sure you are always quoting "sources" even if in actuality the source is your imagination. Remember Media never lies, it only quotes "sources" and nobody afterwards remembers or questions who those "sources" were - all in the name of confidentiality. One of modern day's big con jobs.

The key to success in the media industry is your ability to present sensational and outrageous news. Now I shall let you all know how to do the same in simple steps.

How to make an outrageous Media story

Step 1: Give it a outrageous name

The different media houses have each given different names to this whole mess. Most of them revolve around different interpretations to the acronym IPL -- Indian Paisa League, Indian Prostitution League etc while others have used historical names like IPL Gate.

Wait a sec .... IPL Gate? Seriously? You cant pull that off unless you are covering Richard Nixon! Where is the seriousness in these creatively-handicapped people? My 5 year old niece can come up with better names in her sleep.

Step 2: Select an outrageous background score

Everyone wants to sensationalize everything that moves and is even remotely affecting our day-to-day lives. As 'responsible' media it is upto you to put the fear of god in your viewers. Tell them the world is coming to an end and they must listen to what you say. Select any music that appeals to your sanity-deprived senses of Doomsday music. Put that as background score. As a suggestion you can try using some of the music from this album

Step 3: Select an ugly scary news presenter

Look for a long haired pony-tailed fully bearded man. This man should be such that if put alongside a full grown chimpanzee in the local zoo, people must not be able to tell the difference. He must have a husky voice which resembles the Ramsay clan of Tantriks (of Zee horror show fame).

Step 4: Make up an outrageous story

To succeed in media you need to be either a well read-up person or a story-writer. The media never gets the real stories. They get only bits and pieces at max. So you need to use your creativity to plug the gaps. If you are well read up then use the plot and words any one / combination of the stories you have read. Else leave it to your imagination. If it doesn't work then buy Avatar Blu-ray / DVD and watch it couple of times to fondle your imagination.

Any story will work as long as you are accusing somebody of something. Make sure you include people who are even remotely connected to this person. If you are planning to mention money in your story, make sure the quoted number is outrageously high. To simplify the whole thing, think of all this as a game of "connect the dots" with the only exception that you can connect them anyway you want. Thats Artistic freedom for you !

Step 5: Make corny one-liners to go with the story

Once you have all the material in place make sure you invent enough corny lines to make people cringe in their seats. "Sona hai toh jaag jao" is an apt example. Watch India TV for more inspiring lines. Aaj tak also comes close.

Put all this in one place and you have a sensational news piece. For more life-changing career tips, feel free to write to me.

The Chronicles of Section B - Part Deux

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 07:12:00 +0000

Campus Recruitment

noreply@blogger.com (Vijeth Shetty) — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 01:17:00 +0000

It is ironic that we keep stressing that a B-School stint is one for the long term and yet everyone judges it by the job you got on campus. Campus recruitment is a very stressful affair and one must be prepared to be patient as well as brave.

The process starts with a job being posted by a company calling for Expression of Interest (EoI) along with Resumes. A resume is your need-to-know-only version of your life which has been glamorised to appeal to the company you are applying for.

The EoI serves as the sales pitch where you would explain why the best part of your resume should mean anything to the company as well as why the company must overlook the bad part of your resume. This in some cases is also a make-or-break.

However the process of shortlisting is a very strange one and very opaque. For some reason the company doesnt tell you what they are looking for other than vague pointers like "should be energetic, must have good analytical ability, should be a team player etc". Which person in his right frame of mind would say that he does not have the above qualities? So once the recruiter sees a similar looking pool of resumes they have their own methods to shortlist resume.

Once the shortlist has been announced, probable interview dates are notified sooner or later. An interview would usually happen on campus. Some cases it might happen off-campus as well. It is important to arrive at an interview dressed appropriately and in a manner that doesnt distract or put off the recruiter.

Interviews are usually a series of questions aimed at testing your attitude / aptitude. HR has a good one word that describes this entire process "fit". But not always would interviews drive in a direction that would test out the capabilities necessary for the job. Sometimes it becomes a way for the interviewer to massage his ego by exercising a false sense of power. In such interviews you might find the recruiter getting angry even if you just moved your lips.

Sometimes an interview process will be long and torturous because HR wants to use all fancy tools during the selection process. Some of them call it skill-based interview and would usually involve doing a meaningless task in a fancy manner.

A common meaningless question you can expect in an interview is "Whats your long term and short term goal?". I cant remember the last time people ever had such a plan for themselves. So it is just how good you can lie to the opposite side and convince them.

One more version of this question where would you find yourself in 5 years. And they expect you to know this too. Most often than not you don't even know if the company promotes anybody more then once in those 5 years. So what do you do? Bluff your way out again.

Considering ISB has mostly super-achievers another common question one would get is "You were doing so well in your previous work, why did you decide to quit?". As if that was a secret. Money Honey ! And yet people would talk random stuff about learning, career acceleration etc etc.

By this time the company would have made a tentative decision about you. If you are 'IN' then they'll discuss salary which they'll claim as being 'competitive' which is another way of saying "Welcome to poverty dude". They'll blow up the CTC with all sort of expenses like the rent of the space you'll park your ass on etc.

But if they decided to reject you, they'll tell you indirectly. Never directly. You will see the birth of random excuses for not hiring you.

By the way its not always the HR guys who are the smarties. Some of the junta going in for interviews feel like they are god's gift to humanity. And for them to appear for a interview is a charity event to make the HR feel good.

Overall its a crazy process that tries everyone involved in it. In hindsight though its lot of fun.