Raves, Rants, and Eggplants.

Remember Me?

2012-01-26T17:13:00.000-05:00

No one should say this. Ever. There are two outcomes to asking someone this question.

There is a 13% chance that they actually do remember you, and they say "Of course! Star Wars Convention 02, right?!"

The other 87% of the time, that person has NO clue who you are, and you've just created a highly uncomfortable situation for you and for them. If you have to ask someone if they remember you, they're probably not one of your closest pals. I wouldn't go up to my best friend and say "Hey, remember me?" unless there was a blunt head trauma involved. The SECOND that question leaves your mouth, their head is racing through all 543 of their Facebook friends, hoping your face clicks into place. Chances are, it won't, and now they're put in the awkward position of saying "NOPE!", and now you feel like a dumb ass because you assumed they did.

Instead, my advice is just to ignore that person. Conversation is for friendly people.

So You Want To Be a Rap Star

2012-01-21T13:52:00.000-05:00

It's easy!

1) Someone close to you has to die.

This way, at least 55% of your music can be paying tribute to that person; talking about how you owe them your life, your career, and your firstborn child. Who needs creativity when you have a dead friend?!

2) You must have a cool-looking scar somewhere everyone can see.

Nothing will better prove that you're a bad-ass than a highly visible bodily scar. Fell off a swing set in third grade? Great! Just stretch the truth a bit to involve some sort of gang fight on that playground, and you've got yourself a battle scar. Think...Mary J. Blige:

WOAH that was almost her eye!

3) You must tattoo your area code somewhere on your body.

You've gotta rep your hood! Even if it is...Louisiana...

4) Finally, you must speak as if your jaw's wired shut. (BONUS POINTS IF IT REALLY IS!)

We all know Kanye went Through the Wire...

Ouch. Even if your jaw's not sewn up tight, there's no reason you still can't talk like that! The harder it is to understand you, the more successful your music will be. Case in point:

Dear Woman Driving With a Cocker Spaniel On Your Dashboard,

2012-01-09T21:05:00.003-05:00

*I think the title of this post is enough, but I'm going to go ahead and elaborate.

Dear Woman Driving With a Cocker Spaniel On Your Dashboard,

As I was driving today I saw you on the road. I glanced over and noticed what I thought to be a large stuffed animal on your dashboard in front of your steering wheel and thought "Well that's a dumb place to put that, it blocks half the windshield!" Before I could finish my Condescending Thought #1, Condescending Thoughts #2, #3, and #4 came rushing through my brain when the large stuffed animal started MOVING! Who in their RIGHT MIND would let their at least 30 pound dog lay on the dashboard of their car. In front of the driver's seat. First of all, it was blocking at least a third of your view out of your windshield. STUPID. Secondly, if you happened to run into anything, that dog would be on a first-class trip to NO-NO LAND and you would be left picking glass and blonde fur out of your eyes.

Whatever happened to some old McDonald's napkins?

Thanks,

Shannon

Advertisement of the Year

2011-12-02T20:45:00.001-05:00

Ran across this little gem on the interwebs today:

I love that they chose this image, which looks like a still-shot from a Ke$ha video. "Become a psychologist and...help angsty teens who wear too much eye make-up?"

Furthermore, the last time I checked, a psychology degree took more than a year and a half to obtain. But I guess when you go to the prestigious "Psychology College," the process is a little quicker.

Gym Etiquette

2011-11-15T21:23:00.001-05:00

If you go to the gym, you've probably seen some rules that include "no cut off t-shirts, no denim shorts, and get off the treadmill after 30 minutes if someone's waiting." Well these are not those rules.

1. Eyes On Your Own Treadmill
I can't express how much I hate it when I'm on a treadmill and I see (out of my periph) the person next to me looking over at me and/or my treadmill. Repeatedly. There's no need to ever look to your side while on a treadmill. If your work-out was actually challenging, you'd be focused on that! BOOYAH!

2. No Farting
Just because you have your headphones on and can't hear it, doesn't mean we can't smell it.

3. Assess Your Skills
If you are deaf and blind, a cardio dance class is probably not for you. However, I still run into these people often. And I do mean RUN INTO THEM because they're spinning left when everyone else is spinning right.

4. Cardio Machines Are Not Urinals
I've been told by those of the male race that there's a certain procedure when it comes to picking a urinal. See below:

For some reason, people do THIS SAME THING with the cardio machines. They will walk all the way down the aisle looking for a treadmill which is not directly beside a treadmill in use. I do not know why. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

5. Conversations Should Involve Clothing

Please make sure that you are fully dressed before engaging in a conversation with a stranger in the locker room. Or at least underwear. Please?

Overcrowded

2011-11-02T16:48:00.000-04:00

I've always been a fan of people who appear to have no spatial awareness whatsoever. The people that you see in public places, usually crowded public places, that just have that look on their face like "I have no idea how I got here." Kinda like this:

I've been running into a lot of these people lately. When I say running into, I literally mean smashing my car into their bodies. Not really, but one can hope. I just don't understand how you can have no concept of what's going on around you.

Can we come up with a way to weed these people out?

Infograph Me

2011-10-12T15:25:00.000-04:00

Here's a list of things you'll never catch me doing:

reading the newspaper
watching the Discovery Channel
reading a non-fiction book
looking through a telescope

Here are a list of things you will catch me doing:

watching reality TV
rapping Nicki Minaj lyrics over and over
painting my dog's toenails
drooling from the mouth

Needless to say, I'm not the thirstiest for knowledge.
Should I be ashamed? Probably. Am I? Nope.

But for some reason, if some information is presented in one of these newfangled "infographics" that are flying around the internet lately, I will read that shit like it's the latest issue of Us Weekly.

Take this one for example. If I saw an article on "Marketing Automation," I would pass by that faster than you can say Unisom. But the infographic? Read it top to bottom. Ok, maybe not bottom.

Here's one that actually is interesting:

Dear Rich Guy

2011-10-06T09:55:00.002-04:00

Dear Rich Guy,
I'm sure it sounded like a pretty good idea to park your expensive sports car at CVS like this:

However, while lowering the chances of someone opening their car door into yours, you're also increasing the chances of someone taking a baseball bat to your windshield for being an asshole.

Thanks,

Shannon

P.S. Thanks to www.youparklikeanasshole.com, you can print out these handy-dandy tickets and put them on people's windshields!

True Beauty

2011-10-05T09:07:00.000-04:00

I can't stand it when people post pictures online with a caption that says something about how horrible they look in that picture.

Bitch, please.

If you really thought you looked like shit, you would not be posting it on Facebook or Twitter or ChristianMingle.com or whatever other site you're tooling around on.

Take this picture, for example, from Real Housewife of OC Gretchen Rossi's Twitter:

Caption: Just finished my last hosting gig and in car on way home! Don't I look tired :)

No, actually, you look like a team of angels flew down and buffed your face with diamond dust and then drew on your eyebrows with gold flakes they sifted out of the rivers of Heaven.

If you're going to post a picture with a caption saying you look horrible, please make sure you look horrible. Like Katy Perry:

Also please make sure you're making a face that says "I'm trying really hard to pass this kidney stone."

No Punny Title, Just Really Bad Customer Service.

2011-09-18T21:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I went to a deli-type restaurant to eat lunch. It is a chain restaurant, and I have been to some other locations but never the one where I live. I've always loved the food and the people that work there.

UNTIL NOW.

My friend and I walk in, and the girl that's supposed to be taking our order is sitting at the counter reading a trashy romance novel. We grab some menus and start looking through them. My friend orders the chicken salad sandwich, and Miss Literary Junkie informs her that they are out of chicken salad. Alright, no big deal, she orders something else. I order a sandwich, and then decide I want some soup. There's a sign that says "Soups of the Day," and I ask if those are the only soups they have today.

"Oh, we don't have either of those soups."

Hm. That's odd that your sign states otherwise.

"Alright then," I say, "What soup do you have?"

She points to a giant pot of soup on the stove and says,

"Just that one."

Given that I don't have x-ray vision and the pot is made of stainless steel, I go ahead and ask what kind of soup "that one" is.

"I don't know," she says.

I pause for a second, waiting for her to go ask somebody or at least go open the lid...BUT NOPE! She just sat there. I'm guessing the shock on my face led her to follow up with this explanation:

"It's just like...soup. Like, vegetable or broth or whatever."

YUMMY. TWO PLEASE.

Reader Rants Vol. 1

2011-09-14T17:37:00.000-04:00

Lately, some of my friends have been coming to me with their own problems with the human race and asking me to blog about them. Since I'll never turn down an opportunity to bitch about something, I gladly obliged.

Brittany C. from Charleston, SC would like to ask her fellow shoppers to please give her some personal space when it comes to standing in line at the cash registers. Or anywhere else, if I had to guess. I hate these people too, Brittany. Moving closer to me is actually not speeding up this transaction, so please stay back. If I can smell your breath and you can see my PIN, you're too close.

Sarah B. from Mt. Pleasant, SC is tired of letting YOU out in front of her in traffic and receiving no signal of gratitude back. Not even a wave? A nod? I bet you'd have some certain signals if instead she rammed into the side of your car.

Jessie T. from Charleston, SC wonders what sort of idiot drives around with their turn signal on while they're clearly going straight down a road. Did they consider turning, but then forget? How do you not hear that obnoxious clicking?

Have a rant? Or a rave? (But preferably a rant.) Let me know!

At the Tone, Please Record Your Message

2011-09-11T13:21:00.000-04:00

Your phone's ringing in another room. You race around to find it (I'll admit, it's almost impossible to find anything in my giant mansion apartment), but by the time you do, it's too late. They didn't leave a voicemail, so you dial them right back.

Ring....ring....ring....ring.

NO ANSWER! What did they do? Hang up and then immediately run away? Drop the phone and then book it for the nearest train station? You ignoring their phone call was the last straw and now they're standing on a bridge somewhere taking off their shoes?

I DON'T GET IT.

Dear Man at Bi-Lo

2011-09-03T15:42:00.001-04:00

Dear Man at Bi-Lo,
I notice that you're walking around the grocery store using a tooth flosser.

A couple of things run through my mind. Do you realize that this is a store where people are buying food? A store where there is an entire section of fruits and vegetables laying helpless and uncovered as you flick your decay all over them? You are worse than people who sneeze in the buffet line. Is your schedule really that tight that you have to combine your grocery shopping with your dental hygiene routine?

That's it. If you need me, I'll be putting on a surgical mask over in Aisle 9.

Thanks,

Shannon

Dear Weak-Armed Neighbors

2011-08-29T22:46:00.007-04:00

Dear Weak-Armed Neighbors,
I've noticed lately that no one but me can seem to heave my trash bags into the dumpster. Tonight as I took over a plastic bag full of my dog's crap, I saw a whole bunch of garbage stacked and scattered around. I thought to myself "UH OH, the dumpster's probably full! Whatever will I do with this bag of shit?!" But I took a little peeksy inside just to make sure and...EMPTY!

So, dear neighbors, the only reason I can come up with for you to set your trash mere inches away from the container that it's supposed to go in is lack of upper body strength. I suggest you invest in P90X or maybe just start lifting yourself off of the couch.

Thanks,
Shannon

Note: This is not the same as this. These are real people, and I plan on sending them this letter. Just kidding. But seriously.

Life's Little Mysteries

2011-08-24T20:46:00.003-04:00

If you're like me, you see people doing stupid things and you try to figure out why they probably think that's a good idea. For example, when I see girls wearing leggings as pants, I assume that they think that thin, stretchy fabric is flattering to their sagging asses...

Yowch. But sometimes, people do such idiotic things that I can't even come up with a way to justify them. For example, tonight at the gym, I was on a treadmill behind a row of stationary bikes. There was a woman and a man on two bikes next to each other. Both of them had the televisions on their bikes on and tuned to two different channels. The entire 40 minutes I was on the treadmill, I watched the woman on the bike as she pedaled her little heart out and stared at the man's TV screen next to her. Her TV was not broken. Why didn't she change her channel to the channel he was watching if it was so damn interesting?!

I DON'T GET IT.

CAPTCHA later

2011-08-22T21:38:00.001-04:00

Do you know what a CAPTCHA is? It's that crazy combination of letters and numbers that the WORLD WIDE WEB sometimes makes you write before you post things to ensure that you're not a robot. It's very HIGH-TECHTUAL.

Every now and then a CAPTCHA will randomly come up with things like this:

which is kind of funny. But most of the time, CAPTCHA's will ask you to write some shit that looks like this:

Every single time I get a CAPTCHA, I'm unsure about at least 85% of the characters that I'm typing. But here's the crazy thing: I NEVER GET THEM WRONG.

Are CAPTCHA'S real? Is it impossible to fail them, or am I just amazingly adept at reading letters that have been scattered, smothered, covered, and chunked?

I'm the Kind of Girl That..

2011-08-19T21:14:00.001-04:00

If you're ever on Facebook or Twitter or Blogspot or Tumblr or Myspace (really?) or Pinterest or ANY sort of social networking site, you've probably seen little quotes or graphics that start off with:

"I'm the type of girl that..."

And ends in some statement that we all know is probably the farthest from the truth, but she has posted it on her profile to seem cute and different!

Anyway, I've taken the time to translate a few of these for you. Enjoy.

"I have horrible grammar and I love Taylor Swift."

"I have one friend that I met in a chat room."

"My favorite band is Paramore and my Mom still packs my lunch everyday."

"I've read all of the Twilight books twice."

My New Favorite Response To...Anything.

2011-08-10T12:35:00.000-04:00

Keeping with the reality TV theme, "The Bachelor Pad" has provided me (and you!) with the perfect response to anyone/thing:

The Next Greatest Reality Show

2011-07-30T16:56:00.001-04:00

A Sad Fact

2011-07-25T23:36:00.003-04:00

I will be scrolling through my Facebook mini-feed and see someone's really amazing announcement, such as:

Today's my wedding day, YAY!
I just had a baby, YAY!
I just finished crocheting my dog and I matching sweaters, YAY!

But I will forego "liking" or commenting on it, for the sole reason of not getting 23758972359 notifications from other people doing the same.

Like, for real? I'm holding back congratulatory words because I don't want my phone to keep beeping? Every time my phone goes off, I get excited about the possibility of someone contacting me, and then it just turns out to be someone I don't know saying things I don't care about.

These are real problems, America.

Think Before You Ink

2011-07-22T15:05:00.001-04:00

Nothing says, "I'm cooler than you," like a tattoo. Except for these:

I thought the only people who liked knitting this much were 85 and bed ridden. Hmm.

I might be a little biased because I don't like Harry Potter, but...seriously? In 20 years when she's using her seven Harry Potter books as door stops, she's going to regret this.

This might be cool....or it might look like she's eternally painting her living room.

Going for that sexy look? Try Peter Cottontail peeking out of your shorts!

It's sure to bring the boys to the yard.

Drive everyone away with a sweet "raccoon in a blue suit" tattoo!

A velociraptor? On your lip? I can't even think of a witty comment.

What In The...??

2011-07-15T18:48:00.001-04:00

Alright. First of all, a big thanks to Eddie Scarry for showing me this video.

Now, I'm going to let you watch the video before I even say anything.

Ok. There are some things I'd like to discuss further:

0:59 - What is with this mouth she's making in all the pictures?
1:24 - Pop singer? Singer?...Singer?
1:28 - She's not 16.
1:30 - Whose birth certificate is printed in this Comic Sans-wannabe font?
1:58 - nothing he says is funny, yet she continues to laugh
2:36 - is it really shocking that parents that would let their 16-year old daughter pose naked and wrapped in an America flag have any problems with her marrying a 51-year old?
3:44 - LIE
3:58 - By "old soul," she literally means that there is a 75-year old retired prostitute under all of that frosted lipstick
4:49-4:56 - If you go back and look at only ONE THING from this video, make it these 7 seconds where she's eyeing him like an unlimited buffet of Swedish meatballs
5:06 - God's a plastic surgeon, too?! Busy man.
5:10 - An arm band? Really?
5:40 - She's not 16.
6:05 - My DVR is set already.

Bedtime Blunders

2011-07-14T11:51:00.003-04:00

Here's the scene:

You've just laid down to go to sleep. You toss and turn a little bit until you find the perfect position. Your pillow's just right, your body's relaxed, and you lay there waiting for that beautiful wave of sleep to come over you.

THEN, you feel this sudden compulsion to switch to laying on your side. 5 minutes ago, laying on your back was the best thing that's happened to you since adding the bigger hard drive to your DVR, and now all you can think about is laying on your side. You think "no, I'll be fine here on my back." But the seconds tick by and dancing through your head like sugarplum fairies are visions of you, on your side, drooling peacefully to sleep.

SO, you switch to your side. Ahhhh....much better. What were you thinking laying on your back, anyway? As you stick one leg outside the blanket, you begin to drift off to sleep..

STOMACH!! There's nothing you want more than to lay on your stomach. Suddenly, you're like a crack addict looking for their next fix. And that fix is you sprawled out over your bed with your face jammed in the pillow. Screw it, you flip over, and you're at peace again..for now.

Does this happen to anybody else? If not, I might have some weird strain of OCD (wouldn't be the first)...

Disclaimer: Those are not my child-aged feet.

Whatcha Like?

2011-07-11T14:49:00.000-04:00

Make Love To the Earth

2011-07-09T08:57:00.022-04:00

Unless you're looking to recreate a scene from I Am Legend, taking care of our sweet Mother Earth should be something you're interested in doing. However, if you're like most selfish bastards, you want to get something out of it as well. Lucky for you, I've created a list of little things that make a big difference (to the Earth and to your wallet):

1)Bring your own bags

Re-usable bags have become somewhat of a trend lately. They make them in all sorts of designs and colors. Check out these awesome ones:

Pick up about 4 or 5 and you're probably set for any shopping trip you make. Here's where you can save a little cha-ching:

Most grocery stores now give you 5 cents for every bag you bring of your own. That's right, Einstein, you've saved a quarter!
If you're a drugstore whore like myself, grab a CVS Green Bag Tag. Strap it around one of your bags and make sure the cashier scans it every time you check out. Every 4 scans, you get a dollar back.

2)Buy from companies that love the Earth, too

Look for brands that use recycled materials in their packaging. Find cleaning products that are phosphate and chlorine free. OH LOOK! I already found one for you! They're called Seventh Generation, and they're amazing. Check out this FACTOID:

If every household in the US replaced just one 6-pack of 140-sheet virgin paper towels with our 100% recycled product we could save:
over 2,200,000 trees, over 780 million gallons of water, a year's supply for over 6,000 families of four, and 5.7 million cubic feet of landfill space, equal to over 8,400 full garbage trucks.

Wowza. Here's where the moneymaking comes in: their website is always PACKED with coupons. On top of that, they have a rewards program where you enter codes from their products and earn points to get COOL STUFF. Who doesn't love COOL STUFF?

3)Bring your own cup

You're already lugging around 5 tote bags, you might as well throw a coffee thermos in there, too. Did you know that if you bring your own cup to Starbucks, they'll take 10 cents off the price of your drink? That means you'll only be paying $10.78! (Justkiddingilovestarbucks)

4)Recycle your electronics

Do you get a new phone every time you're due for an upgrade? Was the iPad just not good enough for you, so you went ahead and got the iPad 2? If you answered yes to that one, please X out of my blog right now because I don't want to look at you anymore.

Anywho, all these old electronics are just taking up space in your junk drawer, am I right? There's a great place that will take your old technology (even ones that don't work anymore) and recycle them. Just go to Gazelle.com, tell them what you have, and they'll give you a price. They even pay you to ship it to them! And sometimes, they even give you a BOX to put it in! WOAH!

5)Knowledge is power

Recyclebank is a great website that's all about teaching you ways to do your part for the environment. If all you read just now sounded like "blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah" in your head, just wait. You can also earn points for doing all SORTS of things, like watching videos about recycling, or entering codes from stuff you already buy like Ziploc bags and Kashi cereal. You can redeem these points for all sorts of cool stuff, like magazines and gift cards! Best of all, it's free to join. Yeah, that's right, FREE!

There you have it. Helping the Earth, and saving some money towards buying that giant Land Rover you've always wanted. Just kidding, don't do that.