Fruitarian Freedom

Grace

2012-07-11T17:23:00.000-07:00

It's been weeks since I've posted, and the more time passes the more I feel I need to fill in. So much has happened in Seattle, but I think I will just start from here.

I have gone from 14 days on only papayas, to 10 days on watermelons, to 5 days on green juices, and a couple short water fasts in between it all. I often question how my body can still be failing after all the work I've done, but yesterday as I water fasted I did some deep inquiry. We can't possibly heal physically until we're ready. It's just like painful emotions that we keep inside. They will be there until we are comfortable enough to let them go. A big part of me is so ready to be vibrantly healthy, to be able to run and play and eat so much fruit without pain, but I have been in contact with the part of myself which feels safe being sick. I have spent most of my life as a victim, and I still have attachments to the suffering within me. That part of me is becoming smaller though, and when I am truly present I can see past any suffering of the body. My life is so perfect right now and it has nothing to do with where I am or what I'm doing or the health of my body. I'm often experiencing what it is like to be at ease with life, wherever it takes me. I'm living in a city, a city that less than a year ago felt like a cage to me. But my eyes are opening and all I see is beauty here now. Sometimes I'll be walking and I'll see lanes and lanes of cars, pollution filling my lungs, loud noises all around me, and life just seems to be filled with so much grace. My spirit glows and feels the life in all of it. I also walk through the woods, and on the beach, and I feel it there too. God is everywhere.

Judgement has been such a part of my life lately and it has been a great gift. The mind judges, that is just the way of it, but it's what you do with these judgments that is important. Like most people I often feel guilt for the thoughts that run through my mind, thinking that I am not a good person to have these judgments. Any judgement I have about anyone else is always just about me, and I am seeing that to be true for everyone. And any judgement that is placed upon me can only hurt when I already believe it about myself. No one can possibly hurt you if you inquire into your own mind. Judgement is the path to truth because when you look at your inner reactions you will meet yourself, maybe for the first time. If someone tells you that you are selfish and it hurts it is only because you are already holding this belief within yourself. It is never the other person who is hurting you. You will also see that this person is suffering because it isn't possible to be unkind unless there is pain within you. This is the innocence of humanity! Everyone just needs love and complete acceptance, and it is the most difficult path in the world to learn how to love unconditionally. It is through the struggles that you learn what love really is. I have been through more pain than I thought I could take, and I'm starting to see how intense suffering and pure bliss are so close to each other, just a small shift of awareness apart. I know I didn't choose this life because I wanted to experience simplicity and pleasure. This incarnation is a never ending lesson, one that not a lot of people seem to understand. By living a life of mostly silent contemplation it can appear that my life is empty. I have no career, very few hobbies, and I spend very little time absorbed in the distractions of television, books, socializing, or much of anything else, yet my time here is constantly filled with such substance. When I do lose myself in the dramas of the world I immediately fall from balance and need to retreat back into my deeper self.

"God is good," that's what people say when things go as they want them to, but when life doesn't go according to plan, where is God in that? More and more I'm seeing that God is in everything, that the struggles and the pain are as filled with grace as anything we would consider beautiful. You don't need to have a plan of how your life should go, how this day should go, this instant. If you are just here, just experiencing everything without needing it to be a certain way, it isn't possible to suffer. When you embrace everything there is nothing that is not god. Everything is as it should be, and life is nothing but grace.

Wandering Fruitarian

2012-06-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

This past week has been a whirlpool of thoughts, emotions, and experiences. I ended the fast after 2 days because it was working its magic so strongly that I didn't feel prepared for it. The emotions that were running through me were so strong I could barely breathe, and my body was becoming very weak from the deep cleansing. After the fast ended I just became completely overwhelmed with past pain. The memories felt so alive in me. A part of me was falling away. I just kept feeling like my whole life was crumbling around me, and it was like there was nothing left. I wasn't sure if I would get through it or how to try.

I began a watermelon mono diet a day after my fast was over. Before that I had become very ill after a bulimia relapse, but I refused to go back there, and I took every bit of strength I had and chose to eat only melons. Relapses still happen, and I know how dangerous it is every time I fall, but I'm getting stronger, and I know that there is nothing that will stop me on this journey. Setbacks are just a part of the road, and it's important not to become attached to anything along the way. Melons are a good food for me to eat for now, and they're great for healing my intestinal problems. As soon as I began eating them my mind began to clear and my body stopped hurting. All the confusion that had been plaguing me seemed suddenly unimportant. I just sat there, aware of all the pain and stress within me, but it was so insignificant. I experienced moments of complete presence, unable to keep from laughing, bliss filling me to a point where I didn't know if I could hold it, tears running down my cheeks. And it had nothing to do with my outer life. It never does.

So many things that I knew crumbled away. I watched as all my dreams faded into nothingness, to be replaced with at first fear and depression, later a complete emptiness, and finally to a point where I could see that none of it mattered, that everything that was happening was beautiful, even the pain. And then it all just went away.

My experience of life has changed. My desires have changed. Everything that felt stable has fallen out from under me, and it has left me with choices to make. After all this I found myself feeling smothered by this island. Before it felt like it was holding and nurturing me, but now it is as if it is keeping me caged here, pushing me into this land with a fierce energy. I know I need to leave here, at least for some time, and that realization scared me a lot at first. I wanted to cling to the familiar path that I drew for myself, afraid to let my spirit truly soar.

Everyone always says just to follow your heart, but how many of us really do? Our minds are so loud and overpowering, filling us with fear and making most of our decisions. My mind told me I was about to get everything I had ever dreamed of. I was about to have my land in the tropics and everything was falling into place. I'd be insane to leave. But my heart felt as free as the wind, ready to take me somewhere, to the place I have always known I needed to go: to the Arizona desert. My heart was also leading me to Jaden. Wherever he was going to be, I wanted to be there too. So I decided not to really think about it. I bought a plane ticket to Seattle, and I'm going to live there with Jaden for a couple months at most, before we head on south, to explore all the places that my heart is telling me I need to see before I can know anything else.

This is crazy right? Yes, it very well may be, but no matter what my mind tells me, there's this faith inside me which is so strong, telling me that I'm doing something so right for me. My mind is afraid, and sometimes it overtakes me, but my spirit is so content to feel so free in this world. Many adventures await me, and a big part of me is so excited to be following this dream that has been with me for longer than I've been in this body. What would happen if you just let go and followed your heart, without listening to the stories of the mind? Ask yourself, is this really the life that I want to keep living? Is there something my soul needs to experience before I leave this body? Let go, let yourself be lived by this higher power. Have faith.

Fasting

2012-06-18T10:34:00.000-07:00

One of my inspirational teachers, Dan Mcdonald, talking with a doctor at probably the best fasting retreat in North America.

Today should be day 14 on my papaya mono diet, but after the 12th day I began a water fast. It was my intention to fast for only one day, but as soon as I began I knew that I wanted to fast for longer. My body was responding very well and I knew that now was the right time for this. I have known since I got to Hawaii that I would be fasting, but I was waiting for the right time, not even sure what I was waiting for, but this is it.

To be honest, one of the biggest things stopping me from fasting was the concerns and judgements of other people, especially family and people I'm close to. There aren't many people who know and believe in the benefits of fasting, and most everyone just figured that I wanted to starve myself to death. In the past I did fast for reasons other than health. I wanted to deny my physical body, wanted it to go away, wanted to hurt myself, but my experience now is the opposite. I am doing this because I'm ready to truly heal, to respect and listen to my body. I have studied health and nutrition very intensely for about five years now, and I will continue to learn all my life, but what I know is that the body is a better teacher than any book. There is so much conflicting information out there, and it is easy to become confused and dicouraged, but if you look within at your body and how it reacts, and if you listen to your heart, you will always do what is right for you.

Fasting is something I believe in without a doubt. I know it has the ability to heal people from anything that can be healed. I believe in the body's ability to heal itself. It's not about superfoods, pills, and potions. It's not about eating as much good food as you can. It's about allowing the body to do what it was designed to do.

I know there will be people who will disagree, and I am very open to that. I remember when I too believed that the sick should eat as much food as they could, to keep up their strength and heal. People are just sticking to their old belief systems, afraid of change, afraid of seeing that life isn't always black and white. I can accept that everyone takes care of themselves in their own way, because we're all on a different path. Some people do nothing but sit on the couch, eating hamburgers and pizza, and for them that is right, until it isn't. Everyone is doing what is best for themselves, all the time, even if it doesn't appear that way.

I don't know how long I will fast for. I am going to listen to my body and watch for the signs that it is right to start eating again. I am living at a place that is quite perfect for this healing. I have a community of people to help me if I need it, and I have my own space to rest and relax. Nature is all around me, and I have books to read, music to listen to, clean water to drink. What more could I need?

Day 9 of Papaya Mono Diet + Meditation

2012-06-13T17:26:00.002-07:00

That thou mayest have pleasure in everything,
seek pleasure in nothing.
That thou mayest know everything,
seek to know nothing.
That thou mayest possess all things,
seek to possess nothing.
That thou mayest be everything,
seek to be nothing.

-St. John of the Cross

I had a really nice last weekend here. Sundays are usually my day of rest, and my plan was to spend the day sitting in the shade and reading the stack of books I got from the library for my long weekend, but I woke up in the morning with my body wanting to move. I went for a short walk and planted some fruit trees, but that didn't cut it, so I looked at my map and realized I could bike along the shoreline through the jungle on Beach Road for miles and miles. So I ate a nice meal of papayas, grabbed my camera and hopped on my bike. After a while I told myself that I should turn back so as not to exhaust my healing body, but the explorer in me just had to keep going. I'd never seen places as beautiful in my entire life. Every couple of miles I would just stop and look out into the ocean or jungle, completely awestruck. It truly took my breath away. I hope you can get a glimpse of the beauty I experienced through these photos, but they really can't do it justice. I live in heaven on earth! On Monday I decided to bike to the hot pond, to relax and lay in the sun. I ended up swimming for hours, just floating in the lava warmed water, with little tropical fish nibbling on my legs.

Weekend Papayas-Solo Variety

The Sweetest Nectar- Rainbow Papayas!

I stopped my bike to take a photo of the rainforest, and I looked to the right(see next photo)

And found myself in a grove of jackfruit trees! Free for the eating! None for me though, still loving papayas:)

Majestic Ironwood forest. I want to have many more moments in this place

Their needles cover the lava rocks, making it look like a desert

Meyers lemons, ripening on the farm

Watching the chicken under the lemon tree right outside my cabin

Sunday breakfast, with fairy wand flower

This pineapple was only the size of a golf ball when I arrived on the farm.

My Dreads are 4 months old:)

I've gone 9 days on papayas now, and I still feel no urge to stop. My energy is increasing and exercise is becoming easier. I've been walking nearly 10 kms each day, often carrying a heavy load of papayas, and I'm feeling more and more able all the time. My muscles don't get sore anymore. My intestinal troubles have diminished by about 50% and it improves each day. I have had only one mild migraine since starting this mono diet, compared to before, where I had a severe one almost every day. I do go through deep cleansing periods where my body just wants to rest. After almost fasting yesterday(I wasn't able to carry home enough papayas for the whole weekend) and then not having food until noon time today, I could feel my body working hard on healing. When I brushed my teeth my mouth was filled with something black and thick, and even after almost a day without food my stomach was becoming more and more bloated. I can feel the detoxification going on and sometimes it makes me too exhausted even to read a book. But it doesn't hurt. Usually I just feel very calm and relaxed and I know to be still and just focus on this healing.

Only a day before my big move. I'm taking in everything I can from this farm before I go. I'm eating a lot of organic papayas grown just outside my door, watching the chickens, and all the cats who have become my friends, and just sitting on the grass in the sunshine, saying my goodbyes to the life I've had here for almost 3 months. As much as I'll miss this place, I'm excited about moving on, and knowing that in about a month I might be moving onto my own land. I have durian, and chocolate sapote trees ready to go in the ground, and I'm carefully taking them with me everywhere I go. I've had to get rid of a lot of my things so that I can carry everything to my next place and I found that I have a lot of attachment to my belongings, even to the smallest of things. Giving these things away felt like I was losing a part of my identity. I do best with few possessions, but when my mind becomes hectic, I tend to possess more items in my life. The more still I am inside, the more content I am with nothing.

By having the gift of living the life that most people only dream of, I am able to really see into my own mind, of how afraid it gets when my life is perfect. Most people go through their entire lives believing one of two things; 1)That they need to attain something, such as a good job, a home in a beautiful place, a perfect partner, wealth, vacations, etc., to make them happy, or at least ok. 2)That they need to get rid of something in their lives that is making them miserable, such as a bad job, debt, stressful family situations, etc before they can be at peace. What I have realized about myself is that not only does having wonderful things(or having a lack of terrible things) not make me happy or more peaceful, it aggravates my mind, making me more stressed and anxious. It is at times when I see how perfect my outer life is that I realize how unfulfilled I am inside. It's like when you first try to meditate and it seems like your mind is speeding up and you feel even less calm and peaceful. What's happening is that you are finally looking within and admitting that the problem is not outside of you. You are seeing the ego and how ridiculous it is. It is very scary and very empowering.

What is it that makes meditation, and just being with yourself so intimidating? Why don't we all just spend our days doing what is truly important, getting to know our true selves? Because we're scared to death of it. We'd rather live our lives, staying where we're comfortable, in suffering, whether mildly, or more intensely, than face what has been going inside of us. Don't you see how you run towards drama so that you can blame it for your unhappiness? It is so much easier than facing the fact that you are causing your own suffering. I'm reading a book by Ram Dass called "Journey of Awakening" and he mentions how people live in a state of pain, because it is familiar:

"We have built up a set of ego habits for gaining satisfaction. For some it involves pleasure; for others, more neurotic, it involves pain. As you look at many people's lives you see that their suffering is in a way gratifying, for they are comfortable in it. They make their lives a living hell, but a familiar one.

This network of thoughts has been your home since you can remember. Your home is safe and familiar. It may be sad and painful sometimes, but it's home. And besides, you've never known any other. Because this structure has always been your home, you assume that it is what reality is- that your thoughts are Reality with a capital R.

If you start to use a method that makes gaps in this web of who you are and what reality is, and if it lets the sunlight in and you peek out for a moment, might you not get frightened as the comforting walls of the ego start to crumble? Might you not prefer the security of this familiar prison, grim though it sometimes may be, to the uncertainty of the unknown? You might at that point pull back toward the familiarity of your pain."

This book came to me at just the right time, and what Ram Dass talks about is exactly what I have been experiencing for a very long time, only now I am beginning to understand why I have always chosen pain. I have noticed for a few years now that there is a certain gratification in my suffering, a comfort, and leaving it is the scariest thing in the world. As I begin to understand myself, I can see it so clearly in others. I watch as they too choose pain over pleasure, and think there is no other way. We're all so innocent, and the journey we are on isn't always going to be easy. Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to know yourself, to break down the walls of pain that you have surrounded yourself in. But don't give up. As you awaken, you will see more and more of the light that you are, and the moments of stillness(bliss) you experience will become longer and occur more often.

What would happen if today you just sat alone, quietly and meditated, even if only for 5 minutes? And don't say you don't have time or that you'll do it another day. What is more important than this? I know it can be scary, but it won't kill you. It is the ego which fills you with apprehension, for it fears its own death. Don't expect anything. If you go into meditation wanting something, you will not get it. You may find that the thoughts won't slow down and that you keep losing yourself to the thought process, but don't worry about it. In meditation everything is valid. Just keep steering yourself back to your breathing(or whatever you have chosen to focus on, whether it be a candle flame, a mantra, the sound of the ocean, or a beautiful painting) Just sit, and be still, and allow life to flow. Be brave, face what you have been running from for so long.

I will end today with a quote from the teachings of Vivekananda, of the Advaitist belief system.

..." Thus, says the Advaitist, 'Know the truth and be free in a moment.' All the darkness will then vanish. When we see ourselves as one with the Infinite Being, when all separation has ceased, when all men and women, all gods and angels, all animals and plants, and the whole universe have melted into that Oneness, then all fear disappears. Who is there to fear? This is the one way, says the Vedantist, to knowledge. Kill out this differentiation, kill out this superstition that there are many. 'He who is in this world of many sees that One, he who in this mass of insentiency sees that one Sentient Being, he who in this world of shadows catches that Reality, unto him belongs eternal peace, unto none else.'"

Blissful Fruitarianism

2012-06-09T17:19:00.004-07:00

My beautiful, inspirational teacher, Anne Osborne, eating nothing but fruit for over 20 years

I am currently on my 5th day of a papaya mono diet(with coconut water included) and I'm feeling really well. I'm healing on many levels. People keep coming up to me, saying how I'm glowing and how my eyes are just so clear. When I tell them I am fruitarian, people don't seem to consider me insane anymore. I even met one man who thinks it is amazing that I am fruitarian, that I'm the start of a change that will make this world more beautiful.

Papaya is very juicy, and it's making me feel similar to being on a watermelon diet, which I usually do in the summers up north.People think diet only affects them physically, but for me, the spiritual aspect is the most profound. The clarity I am feeling is unbelievable. When I see people, it's like I can feel their essence. I am not lonely at all even though I rarely talk to anyone and have no close friends here. Yesterday I ran into a Buddhist monk, and I could feel his peace. It lit me up and afterwards I just felt completely silent and still. .

Fruit: The Food of Gods and Goddesses

I'm truly appreciating the beauty and sacredness of fruitarianism. I'm feeling once again, very strongly, the reason why I went fruitiarian in the first place. There were so many logical reasons to make the choice, but when it came down to it, the only real reason I stuck with it was because of the clarity I experienced. As soon as I began to eat only fruit I knew it was how humans were meant to eat. I didn't need science or any other proof. My body, mind, and spirit became so much more aligned. Questions fell away and it left a sense of peace deep within my soul.

Fruit is so colorful, vibrant, alive, delicious, how could we need or want anything else? When you compare a papaya to a bowl of rice, or a piece of bread, how can you really compare it at all? Those foods are so dead, colorless, processed, empty, and they leave people looking and feeling the same way. If you want to feel more alive, to be more alive, eat more fruit:)

For those who are curious about my papaya mono diet, I've been eating around 25 medium (about the size of a large mango) papayas a day, usually in 2 or 3 meals. I rarely eat breakfast, usually my first meal is around 11 or noon. I've been drinking from 2-3 litres of water per day, only when thirsty, and some coconut water every few days. I'm listening to my body and doing so is making me feel so much more alive. I'm not sure how long I'll continue this mono diet. I know a guy on 30 bananas a day who healed serious colitis by eating only bananas for 30 days, and my original plan was to aim for that, but I'm taking it one day at a time. If I feel deprived or like my body wants other fruit I will probably eat it. I'm allowing myself to be free, without limits or restrictions, as we were all meant to live. Life is abundant, feel it!

Happiness

2012-06-05T16:16:00.000-07:00

"I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people who it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes might be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor-such is my idea of happiness. And then, on top of all that, you for a mate, and children perhaps-what more can the heart of a man desire?"

-From Family Happiness by Leo Tolstoy

I have always liked this quote from Family Happiness. Although I don't agree with it completely, these are the things that I find beauty and fulfillment from on the physical plane. But of course, physical life is of little importance when compared to the spiritual experience, at least for me. I've known for a very long time that I could be just as happy spending my life sitting in a dumpster as I could be living on my farm in the wild, growing food.(This isn't to say that it is my experience to find satisfaction in all situations. I just know deep down that happiness doesn't come from anything outside of me.) For me peace and happiness are the same thing. I remember a few years ago I told my mother that I forgot what happiness was. I had been miserable for so long that I didn't think it existed anymore. She pointed out to me one time when I was laughing and seemed to be enjoying myself. When I was living those moments I felt completely stimulated and insecure, like the moment might fall away from me. I wasn't at all present and it didn't feel good. It was then that I decided I had no desire for happiness, at least the kind that other people seemed to be after. When I thought about what I really wanted I knew it was something that things or people or situations never brought. I wanted moments, ones that came completely randomly, like while driving in the car and suddenly being enveloped in stillness that took my breath away, sitting in the grass and feeling the sun, watching my family as they laughed, or cried or screamed, seeing my dog, Joey, race around the lawn, barking and having so much fun, simple things. But it was never in the things that I felt this peace. It was always in me. There were times when it would seem completely inappropriate to feel so calm, times when my outer life was filled with terror, or sadness, or intense suffering, but still the peace was there. What I'm getting at is that my life is perfect, everyone's is, deep down and there is nothing outside of us that we need to change.

But what about on the outside? It is fun and satisfying to experiment with the material realm. Tolstoy said it well, and I don't think there is much he left out. I have dreamed for years of having the things he described. I can remember the first time I knew for sure that I wanted a simple life of self sufficiency. I must have been quite young, and I was in the car talking to my father. I asked him why everyone needed money. Why couldn't we just grow our own food and everyone share? I told him this made perfect sense and it would be easy to do. He tried to explain to me that while it was a beautiful ideal, most people didn't care about growing food and helping each other and that it is hard to do on your own. I told him that people were wrong and that I would do it one day. My young mind began to plan, thinking of ways I would live without money, of all the crops I would grow and share with my neighbors. I thought of all the children I would have and how they would grow and help on the farm, learning to love and respect the earth and all the people on it. As I grew up, this dream faded some. The harshness of the world and the struggles of my teen years broke my spirit. I began to think that everything was difficult and that no one ever really got what they dreamed about. That's what everyone was saying and I believed it, thinking I would be disappointed if I dared to think I could have everything I wanted.

Then one day I was introduced to "The Secret," which, as most of you know, is about the law of attraction. I realized that wanting great things and believing I could have them didn't make me selfish and naive. That was what I was programmed to believe, and for once I could see the other side of the coin. From then on out I went back to dreaming about the life I wanted, and getting excited about bringing these things into my world. I say this now because, as I look at my life today, I see that everything I've ever wanted is in my life right now. I found my land last week and I made an offer on it. I really think I'm going to get it, and it will only be a short time now before I'm living there and beginning to plant fruit trees. I have amazing, loving, supportive parents, and two sisters who are more than I could ever dream of. I have so many people in my life who care about me and love me. I have a warm place to sleep and the best fruit in the world to eat. I have wonderful music to listen to, and books to read. I live in a jungle that is filled with so much life.

My Beautiful Property in Paradise Park:)

Becoming healthier again:)

Fruit thief trying to lick my dates!

My curious little friend

Love at first sight:)

Feeling healthier and more vibrant after drinking coconut water

Fruit trees ready to be planted! Rollinia, jackfruit and champedak:)

My outer world is becoming something that honestly, I never thought I would have. I dreamed of it, but there was always doubt. It just seemed to good to be true. And what I know, without a doubt, is that none of it means anything when I'm not present. For weeks now I've been stressed, to a point where I've been having panic attacks often and I've been missing all the beauty in my life. It has been a time of amazing lessons though. I'm seeing my mind sometimes and I just begin to laugh. I'm living here in paradise, and my mind still finds any way it can to be miserable. It was never about a situation or a person or anything outside of me. The mind just likes to find problems. That's what it's good at, and if you believe it, you are living in hell. When you question your thoughts and see that none of them are real, that is what heaven is like, no matter what is happening on the outside.

So outer world and inner world become one. You can't only strive to achieve things on the outside. You will spend your whole life chasing after something that doesn't exist out there. Because when you think about it, what do you really want? Happiness? Peace? Love? Well, everything in the outer world is transitory, things are coming and going all the time. You can't hold onto anything, and if you try it will hurt. But the stillness, the silence, is always there, beneath, above, within, without, everywhere and all the time, and in that there is infinite bliss. So you can relax now and stop trying to find happiness. There's nothing you have to do, and when you truly surrender to this moment, exactly as it is, you will see that you are everything that you've ever seeked, and your life will fill with the light of truth.

Foraging and the Fruit of Hawaii

2012-05-30T18:23:00.000-07:00

Mamey Sapote(sweet potato pie fruit), soursop, and heirloom tomatoes(the yellow ones are called banana legs) All fruit is certified organic and grown right on the farm where I live.

Organic non GMO papaya grown outside my door

This papaya was so sweet and smooth, almost creamy. Now one of my very favorite fruits!

Before I got to Hawaii I had picked some of my own food. Foraging for apples on crisp autumn days, picking grapes on the trellis over our house, wild blueberries in the fields, and of course whatever grew in the gardens, but I can't compare it to the experiences I''ve had here. There's something about going into the humid jungle, picking mangoes off the ground, and eating them as juice drips all over me, that feels so natural and right, like I was meant to be doing it. Instinct takes over.

A couple months ago I was feeling a little let down about the mangoes here. When I came in the winter I saw the giant trees, hundreds of them, and I thought to myself of the feasts I would have when they were fruiting. But then people kept telling me, "oh, those are only common mangoes. They're alright picked green for pickles, but you wouldn't want to eat them." Mangoes in the market were more expensive than any I had seen in my life. In Mexico I was paying about 5 cents per mango, of the best I had ever eaten. Here you can easily pat $5 for a mango, and no, I don't know if they're good because I never bought one. I did buy a few that were $2/pound which were good, but to me that is still very expensive.

When I went to the beach and hot pond a couple weeks ago I saw a few mangoes on the ground, and I knew it must be the season. I picked up one to taste, and it was then I knew that all the people that told me these mangoes were no good had either never tasted them, or were out of their minds. I've never had a fruit so fulfilling, so rich. It was like it had the flavours of every one of the best fruits I had ever eaten. Even hints of durian I tasted. I began searching for more trees and found more fruit than I could eat. It felt so right to be under these giant trees, eating to my stomach's content. I had never had such amazing food, food which I felt was truly nourishing me. I could taste all the vitamins and minerals, and these mangoes made me feel so content and completely fulfilled. For those of you living up north, you know that feeling when you eat a meal of berries, or bananas, or whatever it is, that has been shipped across the world to you, and it's like you're full, but there is something missing, something your body is still asking for? I used to get that feeling quite often when I was living off of old dates, irradiated mangoes, and pesticide covered apples that had been in storage for 6 months. Here I rarely have that experience, and especially with wild foraged food, my body is completely taken care of.

Now, don't decide to come here thinking you can forage for all your food, all the time. I was always imagining a paradise like that too, and maybe it exists, but as long as I've been here, I haven't found as much wild fruit as I would like to have. There are often avocados growing on the roadside all over the place. I have found an abandoned citrus orchard, and guavas, yes, you can find them everywhere at most times of the year. If any of you like to eat noni( the fruit that smells like rotten cheese and sweat, and tastes pretty much like it smells, but with hints of spicy pepper and garlic) there are always abundant amounts to be had. And of course, during mango season there are some to be gathered. The first day I had them there were a lot, more than I could eat or carry home, but when I went again yesterday there were almost none. I imagine there are plenty of people who go searching for them since they seem to be a highly esteemed food in Hawaii. I'm sure there is other free fruit here, and the longer I'm here the more I will find. I'm very grateful for what I have found. It's like one of my biggest dreams can now be ticked off my list. You don't know how many winters I've sat in the cold, dark house, eating old, dry, terrible fruits, dreaming of being in the sunshine, eating tropical fruits from the trees. I'm very blessed.

I know you fruit lovers want to know everything about finding fruit to eat here. I can remember when I would look out the window at the snow outside, and spend hours on the computer, reading about other fruitarian's experiences in tropical countries. I wanted to hear of all the fruits I had never tasted, and learn how to live in these places with little money so I too could reap the bounties of the tropics. I have tried a lot of new fruits since being here, and found so many that are new favorites. It is lychee season right now, and while I had tried them in Canada, and actually disliked them very much, they tasted nothing like the ones I have had in Hawaii. These fruits are like sweet, tangy, perfumed nectar, so divine that they put a smile on your face every time that you eat them. I think my favorite new fruit I've had here is rollinia. I don't know how to describe it so that you'll know how amazing it is. It is sort of like cherimoya, but much better in my opinion. It is very creamy, truly like a thick pudding. It tastes very sweet, a little like lemon merigue pie, and to me, like fresh homemade yogurt.

Fruit isn't that cheap here, not most of it anyway. I could easily spend $20 or more each day on fruit, but I try to keep it down to less than $10. The papayas here are absolutely amazing, and dirt cheap, sometimes as low as 10 for $1, but these are not organic, and most likely GMO. Until I can grow my own, I am making do with these. My body responds very well to them, and I can eat up to 20 each day without having to break my bank account. I had an organic, non GMO one from the farm that I live yesterday. It cost me over $3, the same price I could get up to 30 fruits for at the market, but it was of much better quality. It was probably one of the most delicious things I have ever eaten. Papayas are one of my very favorite fruits, and I am forever grateful that I am able to get them in abundance here. If you have very little cash and want to live here, enjoying the fresh, vibrant fruits which grow on this island, you can get on foodstamps very easily, and I hear we have the highest benefits in the US. That is probably because non foods(like grains, beans, and processed things) are very expensive since they need to be shipped in. Also, if you buy fruit in the grocery store you can easily spend $60-$100/day on one person! But luckily foodstamps can be used at the Hilo Farmers Market and you will easily get by with the amount they give you.

I hope that gives everyone a better picture of the fruit situation here on the Big Island of Hawaii. If there's anything else you'd like to hear about, leave me a comment and I'll make another post about it. As much as I researched before I got here, I feel that the only way to really know what it's like is to come here yourself. There are many things that aren't as wonderful as I had expected, but many more beautiful, amazing things which have truly blown me away. This is an island that seems to have something for everyone. If you'd like to visit feel free to write me, and I can provide you with any info I have about places to stay, and the best sources of fruit that I've found. Aloha!

Change

2012-05-26T17:52:00.000-07:00

Everything is beginning to change again. I've been staying at this beautiful farm for almost 3 months now, and I've grown to love it here. I woke up this morning to find this tiny rollinia, that my neighbor, Jim, left for me. Once a week or so he brings me a rollinia because he knows how much I love them, and it always makes me feel so blessed. It's been so amazing to watch everything around me change over these months. I've spent so much time just sitting in the grass, watching the fruit trees, as they've gone from blossom to ripe fruit, the tiny little chicks which were born when I arrived are looking like full grown chickens already, many people have come and gone, the seasons have changed, I've changed. The first day I arrived here I saw the words over my door, "Know Thyself," and I knew that was why I was here. I have spent more time alone, in complete silence here than I ever have in my life. I've had time to ponder everything of existence, and I've discovered so many important things about myself.

One of the most profound things I've learned about myself is that I want to be part of a big family/community/tribe, and I have no desire to be independent. I thought I might want to live on my own, at least for some time, but that time is passing for me. Independence is a ridiculous concept if you really think about it. Sure, we should be able to take care of ourselves if the need arises, but we were meant to be part of big families and tribes, where interdependence is key. Everyone looking after one another, each person doing what they are good at or enjoy doing. In this world today, people are forced to take on so many roles that they lose their identity. We try to be independent before we have even allowed ourselves to be dependent (because that spells weakness, suppossedly). We can't focus on what we love doing because we need to do everything. It's not necessary to be good at everything. We're all just part of a bigger whole, and it's our journey to find our place in it.

So, where will I end up after I leave this farm? I honestly don't know yet. I've been searching for another affordable place to live for a long time now, but I haven't found anything yet. I am nervous, and at first I was angry with myself for feeling that way, thinking I should be brave, but I realized that was useless. I shouldn't be brave about it because I'm not, and resisting the fear was what truly hurt. I might rent a room in Hilo since they are cheaper there, and I would have internet usage, and be near to the market. I know, it's a city, and I swore I would never live in the city, but it would be short term, just until I find my land. Or I might find another place in the jungle within the next 2 weeks. I might even end up on Kauai.

You can sort of see my new moon goddess necklace from my mom

I'm working on making a lot of jewelry which I'm going to sell on the streets of Hilo. If I can even sell one piece each day that will pay for rent. I just need to get by until I have my land and can start growing food. I got a ride into town today with a man who just bought a farm here with his wife. He told me a bit about real estate and farming here, and said that I'll surely find my land soon. He said he can even provide me with plant starts once I'm ready.

I've been researching land here in Puna for well over a year now, and since being in Hawaii I have seen a lot of properties. I made an offer on a small cabin on an acre, but didn't get it, but there are many more places I'd like to see. I'm still trying to decide on a couple of things. I could get a large 3 acre parcel in Orchidland for the same price as 1 acre in Paradise Park, but in Paradise Park, I'd be right on the coast, maybe even a five minute walk to the ocean. It would be a lot sunnier there, and a lot warmer. In Orchidland, winters are chilly, a lot of people have a little wood stove, and it rains pretty much all the time. But I would have 3 acres. The thought of that makes me feel so excited. I could do so much with 3 acres. I could start my durian farm, and grow so much fruit, enough to feed all my friends and family, and that is my ultimate dream. Next week I'm going to look at some properties in both communities, and I'll update with what I find.

This is the first summer of my life where I haven't been gardening. It feels very strange, and I spend so much time thinking about growing things. Every time I see someone gardening, or pass by properties that I've been watching turn from bare land, to thriving gardens, with small fruit trees growing, my heart lights up. My path is clear to me. Growing a food forest is next on my list. Caring for the land and growing food just seems so fulfilling to me. Last year, every time I was really depressed I would go out to my little garden in the yard, and just sit there, marvelling at how the little tomato plants were growing, and I always felt more calm. My life feels unstable at the moment, but soon I will have many gardens, and I will watch the durian trees grow, working with the land, and being truly at home.

3 Months in Hawaii

2012-05-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I've been here for over 3 months now. Although, when I think about it, I can hardly imagine what life was like before I got here. When I think of my life back in Canada all I can remember is cold, cloudy days, and an empty life. I've experienced so much here and I want to share with everyone a short review of what I have learned of the Big Island.

I came here quite afraid. Most people told me I was crazy to try and make it on my own here, that it would be dangerous, and I believed them, but I had waited long enough for someone to look after me. I knew it was my time. Even once I got here people were always telling me "watch out. You're a young girl and there are a lot of bad people here." I was told of the drug dealers and of murders and crimes, and almost everyone had some story to tell of people being unkind, especially of locals treating foreigners like dirt. I thought it was strange that I hadn't experienced or even seen any of what these people were talking about, but I cautiously waited for something that as yet, has never come. I have met so many people here, every day someone new, and except for one bad hitchhiking experience, I have found only kindness here, more than I have ever found in Nova Scotia. Most people are eager to help you out, and I have found most locals to be very kind. If you respect and love the people, they will show you the same. There's something about the culture here that just makes you feel like family with almost everyone.

Weather in Puna changes a lot throughout the year, but I have now gotten a chance to be here for almost all of the seasons. Winter is very rainy, pouring for a good part of pretty much everyday. Of course, I heard this before I came, and I really didn't like the sound of living someplace where it would be raining all day for months and months, but it really isn't like that. It will pour, sometimes for a few hours, but pretty much everyday there are hours of warm, bright sun. Spring has been lovely. The temperature has been rising a little(It is always pleasantly warm here, just a few degrees hotter in the summer months) and the rain has cut way back to mostly just at night, with a few brief showers during the morning and evening. Soon it will be getting hot, especially here on the coast, but I love every season. The rain isn't like how it was in the East. There it made the days feel damp and dreary. Here, when it rains, it is like a celebration of life. I am often caught out in the rain on my long walks home, and a lot of times I get soaked to the skin, but it usually feels good, and it's not a bother if I know I can dry off and curl up in my warm bed when I get home.

FRUIT, one of the biggest reasons I moved to the tropics. In Canada fruit was expensive and hard to get any variety, but the main problem I had with it was quality. I would spend huge amounts of money on fruit that ended up rotting before it ripened, or that had no flavour at all, except for maybe some chemical residues. It felt like dead food, and a lot of it was, since it was irradiated before it was shipped halfway around the world to me. Most of it didn't make me feel vibrant, but when I had a good mango, or some other piece of high quality fruit, my body very much knew the difference, and I knew that if I wanted to stay fruitarian, I would need to go where my food grew. Here I am able to eat 100% local if I want to. I choose to eat some dates from California right now, and frozen durian as a treat every so often, but most everything I eat is grown very close to where I live, a lot if it right outside my door. I am able to eat a huge amount of organic food, where before that was never an option. The fruit here is alive, and delicious! You can't compare it to what was available up north.

Pineapples, bananas(of many delicious varieties that can't be compared to those tasteless Cavendish that you're used to) mangoes, mamey sapote, soursop, citrus, avocado, jackfruit, durian, cherimoya, rollinia, tomatoes, chocolate sapote, white sapote, green sapote, chico sapote, papaya, champedak, watermelon, cantaloupe, eggfruit, strawberries, figs, lychees, longans, rambutans, star apples, star fruits, mangosteen, guava, jaboticaba, passionfruit, mulberrry, persimmons, and I'm sure so many more that I can't think of, grow on this island. There are farmers markets every day of the week, with many great deals. There are also many places where you can get free fruit, and I know I will find more as time goes by. It is mango season, and the ancient trees are dropping hundreds of ripe fruit on the roadsides now. On Sundays I go and eat as many as I like of the best mangoes I've ever had. I've also found fields of delicious guavas, free for the foraging. If you eat avocados, there are always trees going off somewhere, and you can always have as many as you can eat.

I've spent about 1/4 of my time here on the bus, so I might as well mention transportation a little bit. Personally, I feel absolutely blessed with the buses here. It costs $1 and you can ride across the whole island if you wish. It does take some time to get where you're going, but the atmosphere is wonderful. As soon as you step on the bus, the usually super upbeat driver greets you with a smile, and his friendliness makes you appreciate life more. The morning driver plays a lot of oldies music, and some classic rock, and it is so fun to sit in the back of the bus and just enjoy. The bus ride to Hilo takes two and a half hours, but you get to see the beautiful coastline, and the change of landscape as you go along. The first part of the ride is on a one lane road, and it is so bumpy that I end up flying a foot out of my seat, landing with a loud thud. All this as groovy music plays loudly in the background. I often end up laughing and really enjoying the early morning ride. It reminds me of being in Mexico. I'm often the first person on the bus, but within the first hour or so it usually fills right up, sometimes with so many people standing that no one can really move. I really love the bus because you never know who you'll meet on there. It's always an adventure. My walk to the nearest bus stop takes over half an hour, but it too is amazing. In the morning, the dew is still melting on the leaves, and the birds are singing their morning songs. The sun is just beginning to warm the earth and it feels so good on my skin. In the evening I get to see the sunset most nights. Walking past the vast seas of lava, with the wind whispering in the trees, the magic of it takes my breath away.

The way of life here is quite different than other places in North America. Life moves at a much slower pace here, things being done the slow way. A lot of people who haven't been here long get annoyed since they're used to living in the fast lane, but I really like how there is no rush. It allows you to see the anxiety in yourself and question it. There are a lot of poor people here, and not many jobs, but if you're creative and open to other possibilities, you will find your way.

Last, but not least, the energy here. The Big Island is intense. I was first drawn here, expecting the island to heal me. I imagined a warm, comforting feeling, but that was not what I experienced. On my first night here, back in the autumn, I was overwhelmed with the energy. It was so powerful, it felt like it was screaming throughout my entire body. I didn't hate it, it felt like a teacher, one who is strict and cold, but you can feel deep down is pure love. It was hard at first though. This island wants you to face your demons, and become present, and if you are unwilling, it will make your life pretty difficult. Pele is always there, whispering to you to love the moment, however it is, even when you want life to be different. The longer I'm here, the more nurtured I feel. This place has taught me that I don't need someone, or something, or even someplace to heal me. It is all within me and there is nothing I need to do and nowhere I need to go. Sometimes I think of leaving here, of exploring other places or going home to see my family, but the thought of it makes me sad. I feel like my soul has dug roots here, deep into the rocky lava soil, and a part of me is holding so tight to this land. It is a part of me now and I think it always will be.

Fruitarianism and Instinctive Eating

2012-05-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

My experiment with instinctive eating was a big step for me since for years now I have been firm in my belief that fruit was the only food appropriate for humans. I'm happy I was able to gather the courage to question my beliefs, and I have learned a lot through being more open.

First of all, high fat diets are not a good idea! Throughout my experiment I found myself wanting avocado, and once I started eating it, it became difficult to stop. For more than a week I ate it daily, and it did some major things to me. Emotionally, it was very numbing. Everything I felt was buried deep below this heaviness in my stomach. I found myself wanting to cry one day and not even being able to because my body was working so hard at digesting all the fat I had eaten. The simple joy that I felt for being alive, the peace that was deep within me, I couldn't feel it anymore. Everything felt dull and lifeless, and I felt comforted to stay that way. But I missed the mental clarity, a lot. I expected that eating comforting avos would leave me without food cravings, but it was the opposite. On sweet fruits I almost never craved cooked food. It smelled good sometimes, but not like something I would eat. But on this high fat diet, all I thought about was eating cooked carbs, like cakes and deep fried things. It was shocking to me, but I think it was because the fat stopped me from being able to absorb the fruity carbs I was eating.

Physically, I experienced a lot of negative reactions. My face became covered in acne, just little red spots, but a lot of them. I was bloated and in pain all the time. Even throughout the night my stomach felt full and heavy. Even though I was sleeping way more, I became so tired and dark bags formed under my eyes. A couple people I know told me that I looked sick. I experienced more headaches than ever in my life and felt constantly dehydrated, even though I was drinking a lot of water. The biggest problem was the blood sugar crashes. For those who don't know, it's not sugar that causes things like diabetes and candida, it's fat. I used to have hypoglycemia, and it went away completely when I switched to a diet of sugary fruits. Adding the fat back made me feel shaky and dizzy most of the time.

Eating a diet as light as fruit can be challenging in many ways. It forces you to face things in your life that you may not be ready to face, but it also gives you a strength in yourself. When your body isn't burdened with heavy, indigestible foods, you are more open to seeing the light within yourself that is always shining. That light became dead to me on heavier foods.

I kept myself open to eating foods other than fruit, and I ate some greens as well, but the main thing I have learned is that fruitarianism IS instinctive eating. For me anyways. I've had a deep knowing within me, even before I had learned about fruitarianism, that eating only fruit was right. I can't explain it, but my faith is unbreakable. Eating fruit is the most beautiful, natural way to live, and I don't think that will ever change for me.

First Week of Instinctive Insights

2012-05-12T17:15:00.002-07:00

What have I learned during my first week of instinctive living? I was going to update daily, but by the first day of my experiment I was filled with a need for silence. I have wanted to spend most of my days with the trees, the wind, the sky, the vast oceans of lava where nothing else exists, not even time. I have gone through moments of intense joy, of complete fulfillment. I have also experienced great uncomfort and immense suffering. All of it has been a great gift and a great lesson. You can learn more through the stillness than through any words or lessons from even the greatest spiritual teacher. So, to be honest, I don't have a lot of words to explain my experience to you. If you'd like to know how it is going I will say that it is going well. My entire existence feels new, like I'm waking up to see that everything that I thought I was, I am not. It is without a need for time frames. Where before I wanted to wake up a new person, one who simply didn't suffer anymore, there is a space in me now. In this space there is room for everything. I thought I needed to stop suffering, to stop judging, to empty my mind, but that was what was and still does hurt. The Buddha said that desire is the cause of all suffering, and I am experiencing the truth of these words. To want to be anything that you are not is suffering. If you are extremely depressed and think you should be calmer, more peaceful, happy, you will hurt deeply. I was suffering intensely a couple of nights ago. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I tried to make it stop. I did breathing exercises, yoga, meditation, writing out my feelings, but nothing was helping. The anxiety of facing my own self was so strong that I couldn't breathe. I felt like I needed to escape. I wanted so badly to sleep. It was late at night and I was exhausted, but my inner turmoil was so disturbing that I couldn't rest for a moment. I picked up a book and opened to a page, just to try and forget myself for a moment. The book was "A New Earth", and the random page that I opened to was about trying to be spiritual, or happy, or anything other than what you are. Eckhart Tolle said that trying to be more enlightened than you are at this moment is just another part of the ego, and it will bring intense suffering. As I read this I knew it was exactly what I was going through.(I tend to have a lot of important coincidences when it comes to books.) I was resisting so strongly to the unconsciousness I was experiencing. I wanted the pain to stop, wanted to feel good, for my mind to be still and peaceful, and I felt so frustrated. Most of all I felt like a failure. After reading just a paragraph or two from my book I felt very different. Everything I was going through felt ok. It was still there, but with my acceptance of being where I was, it transformed into something that felt really wonderful. I immediately began to feel calm and sleepy. I lied down, and for about 20 minutes I felt very peaceful and comfortable before falling into a deep sleep.

Through my attempt to get more in tune with my instincts I have gotten a chance to see how much I have ignored this most primal part of myself. I honestly thought that I was eating what I instinctively wanted when I wanted it. At first I felt very uncomfortable to truly see how I have been abusing myself in so many ways. No one wants to admit to that, but I knew it was very important to my healing. I am very conscious of the fact that most of these self-damaging things that I've been doing are deeply ingrained and I'm not comfortable with or ready to be free of most of them, and I respect that. I watch myself, in an almost constant state of terror, my breathing very shallow and my heart beating very fast. This isn't new, and I've known for a long time that I've been afraid, but I had no idea of the extent. I observe my eating habits, and I see that I rarely eat because of hunger. I eat when I'm thirsty, when I'm tired, when I'm lonely, when I'm sad, when I'm scared, and I try to stuff all my feelings deeply away, and of course it does not work. This is helping me to understand my very dysfunctional relationship with food. I also rarely eat the foods which smell good to me and that I am instinctively drawn to. Usually I choose foods for their emotional effect, especially their ability to suppress. That isn't easy to do with fruit, but it is possible.

My relationship to other human beings is beginning to feel very unnatural. Modern society and our culture has seemed alien to me for most of my life, but now that I'm looking deeper into myself I'm beginning to see that almost every way in which I interact with people seems very unnatural. Opening myself to the possibility that what I need isn't something that I have ever experienced is very scary. I'm finding that I have repressed so many deep needs, and I have made myself numb, my sense of aliveness has been stuffed into a dark place. I'm having these visions of how this world could be, and while I am not at war with the way things are, I feel like I really want to strive to live more in alignment with my inner desires. So many times growing up I would hear people say "he/she just wants attention," like it was the worst, most selfish desire in the world. I was taught to never share how I was truly feeling because to do that would mean you were weak and incapable of handling your problems. I still live this way. If I do share with someone my true feelings I immediately feel very guilty. In this ideal world that is opening in my mind I see people who are able to experience all emotions without fear of judgement. They can scream and cry, they can laugh till it hurts, they can dance, they can roll around in the grass, all without the mental judgement that they should restrict their emotions, their movement, their life. In this world in my mind, people can hug each other and touch each other without it having to be serious or inappropriate. We are all living in tiny little cages. It is becoming so apparent-can't you see? Look at yourself. Look how you hold yourself together, hold everything inside. You watch yourself from the outside, making sure that you inner vulnerabilities remain deeply hidden. You walk like you have everything under control, all emotion stripped from your face, all life buried too deep to see. I have been drawing a lot the past few days. Everything that is coming out on paper has been a reflection of this repression. I have never understood why I was drawn to painting these people who were hiding. There is a beauty in it, sort of like a flower bud. You see in these people's eyes the infinite sea of life which is within reach, just waiting to bloom, and it gives us hope.

I have been having these moments of complete emptiness-emptiness of thought, of feeling, of existence. In them I experience a wordless knowing, and all lack is replaced with a fullness, with a love so unconditional that I just become so still and so content that there is nothing else in the world. It was after one of these moments of silence that I came know what it meant to be a goddess, for me. I thought there was something we had to seek, to find, before we could truly embrace this power and divinity, but it is the opposite. When you stop seeking, when you are exactly who you are in this moment, with no resistance to anything about you or the world, that is it. In that moment you are god, you are a goddess, you are everything you have ever felt you were missing. It is in the sense of lack that we lose who we really are. We are everything and there's nothing that we need to make us whole.

Instinctive Living Experiment

2012-05-06T14:26:00.000-07:00

It's been 6 days since I started my one meal per day experiment. I had planned on trying it for 30 days, as an attempt to heal my colitis, but I'm done with it today. I can feel it is over.

I'm writing this well after dark, on the night of an extremely powerful full moon. The full moon has pulled at me for most of my life. I can always feel it approaching and it is usually an extremely uncomfortable time for me. The first month I was in Hawaii I had a very strong reaction to the full moon. I experienced tremendous emotional pain late into the night, so much confusion, fear, sadness, loneliness, anxiety. I felt like I was literally going insane. At one point, after many hours of laying in bed awake, I found myself getting up and beginning to sway and move. It was out of my control, as if the moon were speaking through me, teaching me to be like the trees which do not push against the wind. They dance in the beauty of what is. Self control, willpower, I sit here right now, thinking about them, laughing at such ridiculous concepts.

To be honest, today was one of the hardest days of my life. I didn't think I was going to make it through it. By the time I got home this evening I felt like I was going to die, my emotional body was bleeding and raw all over. I felt like screaming, every second becoming more unbearable. My mind was so completely erratic that I could not make sense of a single thought in my head. I couldn't breathe. I had anxiety attack after anxiety attack, feeling like my heart would give out.

I began to write in my journal, words coming out of me from nowhere. I said that I needed to die right now, to die without dying. I wasn't sure what that would entail, but I knew that something deep inside of me knew exactly what to do. Without thinking or using my mind to guide myself in any way I found myself lying down. My breathing became very pronounced. I watched myself as I left my body behind and watched it from above myself. I remember thinking it was strange that it, she, not me, not the one who was watching, was still hurting, even without me there. She writhed in pain, and I observed the intense pressure behind her forehead, in her chest and throat.It was strangling her. I witnessed the thoughts, "Can't do this anymore, more pain than I can take." Suddenly I was back in my body, but not my body, and I was brushing the darkness away from myself. I began at the throat, pulling, wiping, pushing at these blockages which were causing intense suffering. I didn't know what I was doing, it was just happening. I began to cry uncontrollably, tears running into my hair and soaking my pillow, loud sobs coming from deep within my chest. I didn't try to control my experience in any way. When I became exhausted I found myself rolling into a ball and just lying there listening to my breathing for a very long time. The intense pain was gone, but I didn't feel good. Sort of like I was in limbo. I watched as the sun set and the moonlight filled my room.

Thoughts began to run through me about the restricted ways in which I've lived, and have never really questioned because everyone lives that way. It takes so much courage to release the beliefs of how to live. I thought about the books I had read on instinctive living and how completely vulnerable the thought of living like that made me feel. While reading these books I found my mind attacking the simple possibility of relying on our instincts, clinging tightly to my labels. What would it be like to live without rules, without labels? This fasting experiment I've been doing has been a great teacher for me. My body had a chance to detoxify, and I've had so much time to think about how it feels to live within the confines of my experiment. It felt very unnatural to eat for only one hour of the day, and I found myself eating more than felt comfortable just so I would get in enough food, which I never did anyway. All these rules about eating made me realize how my whole life has been nothing but a set of rules, shoulds and shouldn'ts, rights and wrongs.

The moon is telling me to let it all go, to try a new experiment, one without rules. I don't even know what it means to live an instinctive life. I, just like most humans, have spent my whole life ignoring my instincts, and have lost touch with the divine, primal goddess which is deep inside of me. It feels like uncharted territory, eating, doing, being what feels right without judgement or labelling of any kind. It means eating what smells and tastes good, as much of it as I want, whenever my body wants without counting calories, without thinking about any of the science of nutrition, disregarding everything I've learned, and eating foods in their natural, raw state. labelling ourselves as vegans, fruitarians, raw foodists, whatever, gives us a sense of identity, of "I'm better than people who eat animals or junk food." For quite a few years now, fruitarianism has been a major part of my identity, and I can feel myself becoming ready to release it. I'm open to eating what my body asks for, even if it is things I would never have considered before. If I wake up one morning and decide to kill and eat a chicken, I am open to that. I honestly don't feel like my body wants animals, and inside, deeper than my mind I don't feel like killing an animal is something I would ever do or feel drawn to do, but I want to remain open to all possibilites, without judgement.

What about the rest of my lifestyle? That's where things get more complicated. I've seen myself in so many situations, doing the opposite of what feels natural to me. Through this experiment I am going to be finding out so much about myself and my needs: The physical needs of my body; when to exercise, when to stop, movement that is uncontrolled and free to become anything. My emotional needs; what I need to give to myself, what I want to recieve from others. Socially I have always felt very rigid, with so many rules in my mind about how I should act, and I don't know what letting that go will be like. This is an exploration of feeling good, in every possible way, and I know it will take extreme courage and vulnerability, especially for me. I have spent my whole life denying myself of anything that feels good, running from it. I remember growing up and wanting hugs, to be so close to people almost all the time, and I forced myself to be alone. I spent years starving myself, trying to deny every need of my body, telling myself I didn't deserve to have needs, cutting myself, doing everything I could to cause myself pain. This isn't going to be easy to do. It may be the biggest challenge I ever face, but I feel ready for it.

I'm not sure how long I'll try this experiment for. I might aim for 30 days but I'll just go day by day and see how this feels for me. I imagine I will find it very scary to just be however I feel good being, and a lot of this experiment will just be about noticing how different situations make me feel out of balance, without judging myself for being unable to be more true to myself. Eventually, through observation I think these concepts I've been living will begin to crumble, but I know it may take time. I will blog about how my diet changes from one of strictly fruit, eaten at certain hours in certain quantities, to a diet of freedom from any rules, except that the food be in it's raw natural state. I won't be eating any cooked or mixed foods because that completely changes our body's reaction to it. I've noticed in the past that my body doesn't experience a natural stop point with mixed food, even something as simple as a fruit salad, or lettuce mixed with tomatoes, and I end up eating quantities that I wouldn't have eaten if the foods were on their own. In nature animals don't mix their foods so I won't be doing that either. It is exciting to start finding out if the diet I've been eating is truly what my body desires. I'll also write about the rest of my life and my attempts to do what feels good, and how that changes me. I honestly have pretty much no idea how my first day is going to go. All I know is that I am going to allow it to unfold without effort, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Tomorrow is going to be an exciting day!

Only You Can Hurt Yourself - Only You Can Heal Your Life

2012-05-04T13:57:00.001-07:00

As I mentioned in my post about my third day of this fasting experiment, the emotional detox has been much greater than I anticipated. I almost felt too insecure to share my experience, but that's what this blog is about. I want people to feel safe enough to be completely honest, not to put on a fake smile when inside they're hurting. It feels right to be real, even if only in my blog. For some people this may be too much information, but maybe some of you have gone through similar experiences and are ready to go back there and question your stressful thoughts. Pretending everything is ok doesn't work. I've been running from my past for a long time and it only hurts more.
The memories I am going to talk about here are very personal, and I hope that anyone who was a part of them doesn't mind. I hold no blame for anyone, and I have no regrets whatsoever. I mean no guilt here. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this information, but it feels important that I let it out as part of my story that I am moving through with everyone who reads this.

For days now, bad memories have been coming up, and I've gone through times of feeling like I was a victim, feeling safe there. In the middle of the night my mind goes back to things that have happened. I'm remembering things and feelings from my childhood which have caused me a lot of pain. I can feel so much fear from when I was a little girl, so much screaming, so much anger and confusion. I felt so small, and so incapable of stopping the war that was going on in my own home. I thought I was suppossed to feel safe there, but I didn't, not ever. My stomach was sick since I was born and I just cried and cried, praying for the screaming to stop, for the hateful energy to subside. I was forced to be a grown up by the time I was five years old, trying so hard to please everyone, especially my parents, and feeling like I never succeeded. My sense of stability was gone, and I felt like a plastic bag, blowing around in the wind, not being able to stop anything bad from happening to me. When my parents separated it was good for me in many ways because I felt like my mom was safer, and I didn't need to watch out for her, at least for a little while. The man she was with left a terrible feeling in me, and I often worried for my mother's life with him too. So many times I can think of how sick my stomach would be, thinking my mom was being killed. I have a very bad feeling about the cottage where we stayed when my mother first left my father. I'm unable to mentally go back there, it makes me feel really sick, but like a year ago, when I was going through a very hard time and decided to end my life, I got in my car with some pills, not knowing where I was going, driving for hours until I ended up at that cottage. I stopped my car and just sat there, unable to move, completely petrified, starting to shake. In the end I didn't take the pills, but I haven't forgotten how I felt there, and it still haunts me.

Sometimes I feel like I've lived more than my share of nightmares in the short amount of time I've been alive. I think back to all these things that brought me pain, and sometimes it feels like I don't have a happy story of my life to share with people. That's why I don't often tell anyone about my past, and if I do it is just a surface outline of places I've been, never really getting into the truth. I want to say it's because I just want to live in the present, and release my past, but to be honest, I just feel like I can't get it out of me. I've felt this tightness, this heavy thing, strangling me, all across my throat and chest, for a very long time and it is words and feelings that I can't get out. There is so much I want to say, I just want to scream sometimes, but nothing comes out. I'm so afraid that if I start with one honest, real thing about me, I will fall apart and lose everything. When I went to see psychologists they became fed up with me because I couldn't tell them anything. It wasn't that I didn't want to. I needed to speak, to cry, to scream, and I would feel like such a failure when I couldn't let it out.

I'm coming to terms with something I have believed to be true for a long time, but haven't truly observed in myself until now; that all my suffering is self caused. Think of something, the worst thing you can imagine happening to you. Right now, this thinking, that's the worst that can happen. The situation is never as bad as what the mind can come up with. And for any of you who have seen "The Secret", you have learned that when you go through something in the mind, the body doesn't know the difference between what you imagine and what is actually happening to you. That's why it is great to imagine beautiful things. It helps put you into alignment with more good. But when you think about negative past experiences your body is reliving them. I've watched my mind relive the most terrible things that I have ever experienced. My mom getting beaten up with me standing there unable to do anything, daily terrible screaming fights, trying to take care of everyone while neglecting myself, helping to kill my own grandmother, watching my baby brother die, being sexually abused, trying to starve myself to death, cutting and trying to destroy my own body, being so trapped in fear and confusion that I couldn't breathe. Everyone has their stories, their pasts which they use to identify themselves. That is what I have done. And as I relive these pains I see that the memory is always worse than what happened. Think of it, you have someone over you, hurting you, and the entire time you're thinking about what's next. If you were present you might be able to deal with it, but instead your mind projects itself so completely that you later imagine things to be much worse than they were. Every moment that you are truly here, truly at peace with the moment, you can not experience suffering. And that doesn't mean you want what is happening to be happening or that you can't change it. You can ask yourself if this feels good and if it is what you want. If it isn't then you can do everything in your power to change it without starting a war within yourself. This is where true power lies.

"This shouldn't have happened to me." Can you absolutely know that to be true? for me the answer is always no. I don't regret anything that happened to me in that past. I've pretty much stopped looking for a "Why did this happen?" and come to terms with the fact that it did, knowing that God doesn't make mistakes. Look to nature, everything happens so perfectly, no mistakes. All of life is like that. If we could only stop, and really experience life, we would begin to flow like the water in a river, without resistance, effortlessly, beautifully.

All of this pain you hold onto isn't even real. I know it can hurt to admit that because for so long we have used these memories to keep ourselves trapped as victims, waiting for someone to save us and make everything ok. I've done that my whole life, and I can tell you that it only gets worse when you have beliefs that someone or something will be your salvation. You wait, holding your breath, praying for the thing you think you need, and then you get it and the hurt doesn't stop. It intensifies because you begin to realize that no one and no thing will ever make the pain stop. Only you can cause it and only you can take it away. This is a good thing, but it might take a long time for you to embrace it. Isn't it freeing to know that no one can ever hurt you? My biggest fear for most of my life was that someone was going to molest me, and I came to realize that by living in this fear I not only attracted it, but through it I was molesting myself every day with these thoughts. The mind is a very powerful thing, capable of doing more good than you can imagine, but when you're out of balance, as the human race is, all that power is being used to do some very serious damage. We are all walking around abusing ourselves, and we are blaming the world. There is no separate "I" and "them". When you hurt another you hurt yourself. When you hurt yourself, you hurt the world. It is all within.

All of this has been very painful to admit and allow, but through fasting I am letting truth into my life, even when it really hurts to let go of old beliefs. In the end what you give yourself is freedom. How scary, intimidating, and painful is it to think that you need the world to be different, for other people to be what you need, for them to fix you? How powerless do you feel when you think of all the pain in the world, the vastness of it and know that you can't stop it all? What you want is peace, for everyone. But look how you are going about it. "I am going to suffer and feel guilty and fight until the world is a better place." That doesn't make any sense. Give yourself what you want to give to the world, be the person you want other people to be, love everyone as if they were you. LOVE YOURSELF. If you can truly do that, then there is nothing you can't do. Love really can heal the whole world. I've been so closed to it, seeing so much pain and injustice, looking at all the ways in which people hurt one another. But I never gave myself this love that I wanted to feel. I always thought someone else needed to love me, and everytime they did or didn't I would feel intense pain inside. All I ever wanted was to feel safe and loved and when I found out that I couldn't feel anyone's love for me I thought I was broken. The truth is, we weren't made to feel the love of other's. That isn't possible. When you're in a loving relationship with someone, you feel love and you think it is coming from them, but look closer, it is your own love. Love is what you are. There is nothing to seek. Isn't that amazing?

Lifestyle Design Experiment (Daily 23 hour fast, 1 meal per day)-Day 3

2012-05-04T13:39:00.006-07:00

Yesterday afternoon, after not having a whole lot of food for my morning meal, I became quite hungry. I almost decided to give in and eat another meal, but then I decided not to. This is only for a month, and I can do that. I would stop if I felt deprived or if it was having a negative impact on my life, but it feels right. It's going to be intense and challenging, but I'm up for it. I imagine today will be a lot easier since I'm going to Hilo to hopefully get a mountain of durian and other ripe exotics. The hunger yesterday wasn't what was really challenging though. By evening the emotional detox had become very strong. I was very restless, but didn't want to get up and move around because I'd had enough exercise already. I did some yoga, but it wasn't helping. I just sat in my bed, crying, feeling like at any second my body would just give out from the pain that was coming up. I felt so vulnerable, so lonely, so afraid. I focused as much as I could on just dealing with each moment as it came, and after about 5 hours of just laying there, curled up in a tight little ball on my bed, I fell asleep. This morning I woke up feeling very fragile, but peaceful. I feel good about getting out today and going into Hilo. I need some time to be around people to balance me right now. Tomorrow I'm going to Kona with some new friends here. I'm very excited to see the other side of the island, the abundance and wealth, the dry, sunny weather, the sandy beaches. I'm sitting here thinking about how ridiculous it is that I have been been able to manifest pretty much anything I could ever want in the physical realm. The good just keeps on coming. I'm still working on getting my mental state into alignment with peace, humility, and surrender, and at times I'm really there, but I've been on an emotional rollercoaster for a while now. Right now though, I feel so alive, so completely at peace with reality. The sun is just rising, a new day starting. Anything is possible today.

Later

Just got back from my trip to Hilo. Lots of insights about my body today. I sit here trying to type, my hands are shaking uncontrollably, but let's back up a little bit. Ender and I got to Hilo determined to get durian. My usual shop was still sold out so we decided to get some from the more expensive shop near the farmer's market. We each got 2 pounds and waited impatiently for them to thaw. We stocked up on fruit for the week, and I got a giant soursop, over 6 pounds! I also got my first green sapote and a basket of bananas. I was going to avoid bananas if possible since they haven't beeen making me feel my best, but since I'm out of dates I didn't want to risk running out of food again.

We got on the bus, planning on eating our durian on the trip home. As soon as Ender opened the package and we took a bite, the bus driver told us we couldn't eat it on the bus. After smelling and tasting the luscious fruit we had a hard time controlling ourselves from eating it, Ender even tried to tell the driver I was hypoglycemic and needed to eat, but it didn't fly. So, in the end I waited until I got off the bus to have my first and only meal of the day. It had been 26 hours since I had last eaten, but by then the hunger wasn't actually that strong. I noticed that by noon time the hunger I was feeling in the morning had transformed into a strong life energy within me. I became very aware and every moment seemed very important. I liked how it felt. My senses became very intensified. Every smell had so many smells within it, so much fuller and exciting. A touch of my hand was felt throughout my entire body, even the wind in my hair or the sun on my skin was indescribably wonderful.

After getting off the bus I decided to find a nice spot in the woods to sit down with my glorious feast. As much as I had wanted durian on the bus ride I found myself now wanting something very sweet and juicy. Also, I wanted to eat more food today and knew that starting with a fatty fruit wasn't the best idea. So I opened up my green sapote. It was exactly like mamey. I'd never had two different fruits that I couldn't tell apart. Strange. It went down well though, and I wanted more. Like I may have mentioned before, once I get started on a mono meal, I become one with the taste of that fruit and I usually am disgusted by any other fruit until I experience a taste change with the fruit I am eating. Knowing I had no more sapote and needed to eat more I waited a few minutes then moved onto bananas. After the first one my body told me that they were very good for me and to slowy continue to eat them. I had 8 of them then stopped, not because I'd had enough, but because I had two pounds of durian to eat, and I knew I would need a lot of stomach space for that. Honestly though, if I had a way to store the durian I would have because I only wanted more bananas. I opened the first package of durian and it was very creamy and flavorful. It felt a little too rich and heavy even though the taste was very good. By the time I had finished the first package I felt like I didn't really want anymore, but I knew the other durian would only last an hour or two without refridgeration, which I didn't have. So I opened it up, but I noticed that it seemed a little watery. I tasted it and it was very sour and bitter, already rotten when I bought it. The first thought that came to my mind was "This sucks. I paid $12 for this durian and now I just need to throw it away." But then I looked deeper. I was already full, and more food would only have fermented in my stomach, causing pain and sickness. In this way I got to enjoy some delicious durian and the forest got some very powerful compost. We both win.

I noticed that immediately after eating the durian my physical energy dropped by about 85%. I felt too exhausted to move. All the mental clarity I had felt had become clouded and very murky. I was having a hard time thinking at all. This felt similar to times in the past when I've overdone it on avocados. I think that this daily fasting is already making my body very sensitive, and the lightness and clarity I've been experiencing aren't something I want to lose right now. I've been going through sheer hell, facing my demons through emotional detox, but I'll be posting another entry about that. Physically though, allowing my body to have long amounts of time without food has already proven to give me better energy, balance, and especially flexibility. Even after years of doing yoga my flexibility has never really improved much, but just in the past few days I have noticed a difference. I can tell that the tightness in my muscles is largely an emotional issue, but clearly it has physical causes as well.

Lack of energy wasn't my only problem after the durian. I also realized that I had become dehydrated(fatty foods usually do that to me) and I had no water. I began to shake uncontrollably and felt like I might pass out. I decided that I needed to sit in the shade for a few minutes before trying to make it home, even though I knew I needed to rehydrate as soon as possible. My body just couldn't move. I tried to stand up and had a very hard time. I had quite a heavy load of food to carry home and I honestly didn't know if it was possible. I began to walk, very slowly, taking many breaks. I knew that if I projected myself any more than one step into the future I would collapse so I needed to stay very present. Just one more step. One more step. It took me over an hour to walk home, and when I got here I fell into my bed and didn't move for a couple of hours. Later in the evening I noticed that my stomach was very bloated and the pain was intensifying. I went for a short walk, fermenting durian coming up my throat, then noticed that there was blood in my pants again when I got home. David Klein said to avoid all fatty food, even durian until your intestines are well healed. I wanted to keep durian as my exception to the rules, but I think I will need to exclude it from my diet for now. Or eat only small amounts. I think if I slowly eat maybe a half pound while feeling good and happy it would be fine. I noticed when I got home today that someone had left a ripe rollinia by my door. I felt so touched that I almost cried. The goodness of people never ceases to amaze me.

So, what I've learned today: 1)Drink more water. 2)Don't eat fatty foods when you're trying to cleanse 3)Listen to your instincts and if your body tells you it only wants one kind of food, listen. 4)Enjoy the lightness and intensification of the senses as your body detoxifies.

Day 2 of fasting experiment + Goddess Drawings

2012-05-01T13:32:00.000-07:00

This is the second day of my daily fasting experiment. It has been almost a full day since my last meal and I've been going through some pretty intense detox, more than I expected. I began by having one of those achey detox headaches last night, then my mouth began to fill with acid that I couldn't wash out and it burned my teeth and gums. That has happened other times when I've fasted as well. Even though I eat a very alkalizing diet my body is in an acid state right now. I woke up in the middle of the night literally soaked in sweat. I had to get out of bed and rinse off. I've never sweated that much ever. My body is clearly working very hard at cleansing. This morning I have a slight headache and just feel shaky and a little nauseous. So far the intestinal pain is very much diminished and I can feel the bleeding has stopped. It's only going to get better from here on out.

I started eating today at 10am. I was going to wait until 11, but I became very hungry after walking for a good 45 minutes in the rain and becoming so cold that I've been shaking for hours now. I can feel my body burning a lot of calories to stay warm now. I ate 5 papayas and then felt kind of sick, but after a few minutes I decided to eat some more because I want to get in more food today if possible. I opened up a breadfruit I had collected in the jungle a few days ago. I had only tried it once before and I now know that the one I had was rotten. This is a very strange fruit. It was actually sweet, with a creamy, gooey, raw bread dough like consistancy. As much as the taste seemed pleasant to me, my body said no very strongly so I only ate a couple of bites. I was going to dig into a soursop that I had brought into town with me, but I opened it to find that is was rotten and brown inside. Luckily I had a few dates left. So I ate 12 of them and I'm full now, just wanting to get under some warm blankets and watch a movie or something. I kind of miss being able to watch movies to be honest. Not always, but once in a while it's really comforting to just forget about life and cuddle up and enjoy a movie.

Last week while waiting for the bus I talked with an artist who lives on my road. She told me how she spends all her time painting goddesses. It hit something in me really deeply. I missed art so much, and it made me think of how I used to find myself painting and drawing almost nothing but goddesses, but not how most people create them. My creations weren't of magical women made of fire, or water, greens and blues, red and orange. They were just ordinary women who you could see within them that which was wordless, a knowing in their eyes, in their movement and form. For days now I have felt so compelled to start drawing, but so afraid of what happened last time. It has been a very long time since I've seriously sat down and lost myself in drawing or painting. Yesterday, moments before I needed to catch my bus home I found myself in search of pencils. I got some and when I got home nothing could stop me, I just sat down knowing I was going to draw. It felt very good, but before pencil touched onto clean paper I became filled with anxiety. "I should be afraid-is that true?" And in that moment I let go, and spent hours drawing, filled with silence and peace. I ended up with two goddess drawings which I feel good about. I've been planning for a while to start selling artwork again and I'm going to get a site up soon with all my stuff for sale. I'm going to be painting again soon, I can really feel it, and I'll be selling my trance bracelets too. Until then I will post whatever I create on here. If anyone is interested in either of today's drawings they are $20 each, including shipping to anywhere in the US or Canada. Anywhere else, add $5. It'll be really good to start making money doing things that inspire me and it will really help in my manifestation of my land and of the fruit trees and things I need to get started with my dream.

Last night I also ended up doing some yoga, a lot of writing, and just had some silent time with myself. More and more it is sinking in that I AM EVERYTHING. It's so unbelievable how I've spent my whole life thinking there was something to strive for, always searching, but never finding what I was looking for. Knowing this doesn't mean I am going to live a life without possessions, or just sit in silence alone for the rest of my life. I could do that, and that would be ok, but it is really fun to explore and experience the physical realm. There are so many things I want to do in this life. I want to see the world, especially Thailand, where I will follow the durian season and fill my body with the most delicious food on the planet. I want to own a piece of land that I can love and respect and nurture, growing every kind of fruit you can imagine. I want to share loving, deep, intimate experiences with people. I want to be a mother and learn from the wisdom of my children. Mmmm, there's so much good in this world. I feel very grateful for this life.

My First Lifestyle Design Experiment!

2012-04-30T14:47:00.000-07:00

Watch this video. It makes it pretty hard not to feel good

I've been thinking a lot this past week of starting a lifestyle design experiment, but not sure what to try first. I want it to be something that I feel confident in sticking to for a full 30 days, and also for it to be something that I really feel will help me at this time in my life. Lately I've been going through a very emotional time an it's been draining me. I have barely slept in a week, just staying awake and reliving past pains, coming to one very big realization: That it's all me. All the suffering I've experienced was by choice, by my inner resistance to reality. This is a concept I have believed for a long time, but it's really starting to sink in and it's scary. To know that no one and no thing will ever make you happy, that it is all within you, is a very good thing, but right now I'm still in the stage of allowing it to really sink in. Where I'm going with this is that right now I feel a strong need to go through what I'm going through without any rules or expectations, so I don't think I want my first lifestyle design experiment to be an emotional one.

At the same time that I've been going through all these past negativities, my body has been tightening up and going through some rough patches. I've been having a lot of pain and bleeding this week, resorting to taking pain killing drugs quite often, and that really isn't something I want to be doing. I can feel, as I have for a long time, that my body wants to heal, and as I work through the emotional problems I've been having I think that my body will become more vibrantly alive, but I want to help it in every way I can. I noticed how the no breakfast plan really helped with my absorption of food, and I feel compelled to try an even more extreme approach of eating less hours per day. So I've decided to go with the plan of Arnold Ehret, and try for 30 days to eat only one meal a day, preferably at noon time, but anytime between 10am and 2pm would be great. The meal will last no more than an hour, that way I am fasting for 23 hours of each day. My meal will be a series of mono fruits, probably no more than three different fruits each day, and often only one kind. I will eat only the healing diet as prescribed by David Klein, so I will be avoiding fats, and all citrus and high acid fruits, as well as peels and seeds within fruits. I expect I will have a little bit of difficulty eating a large amount of calories in only an hour, so I will probably lose some weight, but if I can get my assimilation back to normal I will need a lot less food in the future. There was a time when 1200 calories a day would allow me to maintain my weight and feel really good. Since becoming sick I've needed to eat more than double that amount, feeling like I'm filling my body with more food than it can handle while still losing weight and feeling tired and too full.

I feel really optimistic about this lifestyle design experiment. I really hope it will be of inspiration to other's who are suffering from colitis, or really any health problems. The idea behind this approach is that nothing outside of us can heal us. Just like every other being on the planet, we are self healing. Most of us have spent our lives stuffing ourselves with food, some of it healthy, a lot of it not. Digestion uses more vital energy than any other body process, and when we eat many kinds of foods, or foods which aren't meant for humans, or if we eat from morning until evening our bodies spend all of their energy on digesting food, and eventually it will wear them down to a point where they can't remove the toxic matter as quickly as it is coming in and disease will result. By eating only one meal a day, and by eating it calmly, really feeling the food to nourish me, and by allowing 23 hours each day for my body to rest and heal, I feel like that will open me up to tapping into the life energy that is within me and outside of me, that is a part of everything. I noticed when I was fasting daily for 18 hours or so last month that I would feel this strange sense of life in the mornings. It's hard to describe, but it was very deep, like I was a part of everything and my energy wasn't just of the body, that it was limitless. It felt very good and calming. In the mornings when I was walking to the bus I would really see things. I would really feel the sunshine and the wind. I would really feel the life all around me and within me. So as much as this is going to be a physical healing experience, it will also be deeply spiritual. I'm ready to heal on all levels.

Today is my first day of the experiment, and it is going well so far. I woke up really hungry, but waited until 10:15am to have my first food. I started by drinking a young coconut. I found myself drinking it down very quickly. My body really needed it. Then I ate 4 papayas and waited a few minutes before eating 22 medjool dates. I feel good and full right now, but I imagine I'll get pretty hungry later today. Dates are very helpful in making it easy to eat more in one sitting.

This weekend I went to a raw vegan potluck next door. It was really cool hanging out with such amazing people. Usually I find myself feeling really awkward at social gatherings, and become very tense and sick feeling, but I found myself accepting who I was a lot more, sitting quietly and just allowing myself to be, and a lot of wonderful people came and sat down to talk to me. I was happy to have company and happy not to. I really liked just being in the presence of people without expectations. I got to try mangosteen which was really amazing, and had a nice plate of many delicious fruits. A big part of me really feels good about who I am. Things are really changing for me, and even though I'm going through a lot of turbulance within myself right now, I really feel like it will all be ok. I also got to hang out with Ender and had a really good time with him. We both brought rolllinia to the potluck and it was probably my favorite thing there. No durian, but I feel like we'll get some later this week.

After getting only a few hours sleep night before last I ended up taking a nap yesterday for almost four hours. I don't think I've done that since I was a little kid. I woke up and felt like it was morning and I needed to get on the bus. Then I ended up falling asleep in the evening and sleeping for over ten hours more. The more sleep I can get at this point the better. The body can work at healing so much more efficiently while you're sleeping. If you have a hard time sleeping for very many hours, just resting with your eyes closed can be very helpful. Meditation is also a great practice.

I just want to say one more thing before I go. If life feels really hard right now, and you really hurt inside, don't give up. Just be quiet for a moment, and see how successful you are at being alive. You're here now and you're breathing, and you're feeling things, having experiences. It's all a gift, even if you can't imagine that right now. Believe that you will feel good. Resist nothing.

FEEL GOOD

2012-04-26T17:10:00.000-07:00

Life is really good right now. I've been feeling really relaxed the past few days, just allowing things to unfold. This morning I found myself singing along with the music on the bus, and when I didn't know the words I was humming, for over 2 hours. The old me would never do this. Actually I think it was the first time I ever sang out loud in public in as long as I can remember. I felt really good doing it, really present. Then I got into Hilo and the sun was shining so brightly, and feeling it on my skin just brought me into a state of complete gratitude. I got some mangoes and enjoyed them in the grass, the whole time smiling and thinking how it couldn't get any better than this.

I've gotten to eat a lot of annona fruits this week. Rollinia, cherimoya and soursop, all fruits which make me feel very balanced and satisfied. The past few days I've felt at times like the fruit I'm eating is really being absorbed and is giving me more life than before. When I'm laughing and happy digestion is so effortless, and this week I've noticed how long it has been since I've really laughed and really felt happy. I've been holding onto a lot of pain, so tightly that it felt like my identity, and it's scary to let it go, but it's allowing me to become more my true self. The me who isn't afraid to be herself, to feel happy, to be free.

I've gotten to hang out with my new friend Ender a couple days this week, and it's been really healing for me. He has a blog and website which is filled with his exciting adventures in Hawaii, and his lifestyle design experiements where he tries out things which he thinks will positively affect his life for 30 days and then decides if he wants to keep them or not. He's inspired me to want to try out some experiements too. I'm still deciding on what to try first, but I'm excited to get started. His website is http://www.endersadventures.com/ and I highly recommend it for anyone who is looking for a fresh start, to live from the heart, to feel good, and to attract all the good in the world.

It's not always easy to start living a new life, to admit to ourselves that inside we've been hiding from and denying a lot of past pains. But if you can admit that you're holding onto pain, that it's all you, then you have the power to allow yourself to be happy, to flow with the never ending goodness that is life.

Oh, and a very important lesson that I'm learning: Always put yourself first! Allow yourself to be happy, get into alignment with what feels good to you. Once you do you will hold the power to transform the lives of others and change the world. Don't feel guilty. We've been programmed to believe we're bad if we care about ourselves and put ourselves first, but I've lived that way and it was miserable. I couldn't help anyone because all I brought to the situation was my own lack. When you are abundant, everyone will feel it and begin to realize that they deserve good too. And it will move like a wave, spreading love further than you can imagine.

FEEL GOOD! YOU DESERVE IT!

Of Life and Death

2012-04-21T17:15:00.000-07:00

Beautiful song from one of my favorite movies

As I woke up early this morning I felt like I needed to write again. I rarely ever know what I'm going to write about, and even as I write I don't know what I'm going to end up with. A lot of my posts lately come straight from my heart, and I learn so much as the words come out. This blog started out to be mostly about fruitarianism, and I see that lately it's evolving into more of a journey of spirit. I'm not going to try to tame it in any way. What I write about here is my experience, and it's raw and honest. Before I get to my topic of the day I just want to write a little of how my outer world is taking shape. I've been in Hawaii for over two months now, and my experiences here have been wilder than my wildest dreams. Somehow each day I am cared for and nurtured in just the way that I need. I am fed amazing fruit, seeing places that literally take my breath away, meeting soul friends, and experiencing moments that words could never be enough to describe. In every way I am in love with my reality.

The past couple days I've ended up talking to quite a few people about death. Not in a gruesome or depressing way, but more about the circle of life, and what is really lost when we die. I can remember when I was about four years old and someone explained to me what dying was. For days I just sat alone in the fields thinking about it, and I felt so sad and lost. I kept crying because I felt like someday, maybe even soon, I would lose who I was. All the memories, the fun and adventures, they would be no more. I don't know when it was that I stopped fearing death. I imagine it was only within the past 5 years. It's not in a suicidal way, or that I don't appreciate life, but at some point it occured to me that time was ridiculous. I thought to myself, if I can enjoy this moment, this experience, for one minute, one hour, a hundred years, what is the difference? There was none. I can find nothing of value anywhere but here and now. Also, what could one fear of death? Of losing something precious? People have been talking of death and loss lately, and I've noticed a reaction within myself that has changed. I don't really react at all. I'm told someone died and I think "ok". There's no sadness, no loss at all. "It's so tragic. It shouldn't have happened" they'll say. But I can't understand them. What was lost? I feel like there's something shared in all of us, it's everything, and it's nothing and it can't die because it was never born. The death of the body is just part of the cycle. I can completely respect and feel for the people who are so upset about death because I know how it is to feel that way and it hurts.

I think what we fear is suffering, of not being able to escape it. A week or so ago I got a ride from a man who was a Jehovah's Witness. He asked me what religion I was born into and I told him that I embraced everything. He then decided to tell me a little of his religion. He talked of how this world is in trouble and what is promised to us is that someday there will be a perfect earth, one without suffering or pain, where no one will ever get old or die. Then he said to me "Now, if the earth becomes this beautiful place, and you could live forever in this paradise, would you choose that or to go up in heaven with the angels?" "Hmmm" I said "I really don't know. Both options sound lovely." He replied with a chuckle, "Well, that is nice of you to say, but I would obviously choose to live here forever, and watch my great grandchildren grow up. I wouldn't want to miss any of that." I could see that his fear was strong, and that he saw so much wrong with the world. He really didn't want to die. We also talked of the beauty of this world now, and that topic was easy for me. I can't see anything wrong with the world the way it is. This is heaven on earth. This is what everyone is waiting for.

Eckhart Tolle writes about dying before you die. I've practiced it, curious about what it is that I'd leave behind if I died. I realized that death is a complete surrender, a release of the ego, and of all fear. When you let go, all that is left is peace. By holding on, by fearing death, we are missing life. There is so much here, always, and we don't even know it.

I go through times of experiencing such peace and love for the world and I see that it's at times when I know I am everything and I'm accepting and loving all of it, just as it is. It all starts with me. To try to change the world without changing your own thoughts is backwards. As if you could end the wars, the violence, the hatrid in the world without first looking within and ending all these things within yourself. The world is a mirror of your inner state. When someone talks about something that upsets me, I ask myself where I have experienced this upsetting thing. For example, if someone tells me about the horror that factory farmed animals face, I think to myself, "where have I felt so trapped in fear? Where have I been tortured?" I can find many examples, and I see how I have projected my own experience onto these animals when I have no idea how they actually felt. I ask myself how my suffering will help them and I know that it won't. I know that I alone am responsible for my suffering, and that I only suffer when I believe a thought which is untrue. I'm not saying it's ok that bad things happen, or that I accept it and won't do anything about it, but I'm at peace with it, and I can do so much more good when I feel inspired and loving. What can you accomplish with hatrid, fear, or sadness? Only more of the same.

My mom was talking yesterday about our purpose here. She mentioned something in one of my Wayne Dyer books that she was reading, about how everyone has a purpose. He cited an example about a drunk bum on the street(I think that was it anyway) and about how his purpose might have been to teach another how not to live. My mom thought that was a pathetic and rather depressing purpose for his life. I didn't really have an opinion on it. I feel like the only purpose I can focus on is my own, and not knowing, the mystery, is what makes life amazing. When you really think about it, what do you know? Nothing. There is nothing to know, nothing possible to know. I feel like I'm here to experience and share love, but even that is unknown. Who are you when you let go of all these beliefs? You are the love and the peace that you've been searching so hard for. It's been there all along.

Don't Let Anything Stop You From Your Dreams

2012-04-19T16:34:00.000-07:00

I was taking the bus into town yesterday, just to do some emailing, when a friend of mine walked on the bus. He's been doing a lifestyle experiement of the fruitarian diet for 2 weeks and was travelling into Hilo to get more fruit. It's a challenge for those of us without vehicles to carry home enough fruit to feed ourselves, but for me the challenge is fun, for the most part. I decided to go all the way to Hilo with him so we could get some durian and check out the big market. We both got some yummy fruit then got back on the bus. We ate some soursop and then decided to open up some durian. As soon as the package was opened it smelled very strongly, and sooo good. Of course, me and my friend were the only ones who thought so. Everyone was saying "oh god, what's that smell?" They opened windows and were clearly disgusted. We couldn't help but laugh. How could they hate that smell? How? It was very special to share durian with another fruitarian. It was one of the things I was working on manifesting here. The friendship and connection was really what I needed yesterday. It continues to amaze me how quickly things manifest here. I'm working on really focusing my intention on the things and situations I'd like to manifest. I've been working with the law of attraction for a couple of years now, really understanding how it works in my life. It's good to look at what you've manifested in the past, that way you can see how attraction has been working in your life and put it to use for the future.
Some time ago I put together a list of things I wanted to manifest, and I went all out, dreaming as big as I could, and so many of those things are in my life now. At the beginning of this year I vowed to follow my dreams, not to let anything get in my way, especially my own fear. Fear is what holds most of us back from alllowing the good into our lives. I won't lie, I experienced a lot of fear when I just started out in Hawaii by myself. It was so far beyond anything I could have percieved possible for myself even a short while ago. Having severe social anxiety disorder I found it extremely difficult just to go to the post office, or the checkout line at the grocery store. On the outside I tried to remain together and fearless, but inside I was a mess, so afraid I would often have breakdowns at home, even becoming suicidal. All that over little everyday tasks that most people don't even think of. Sometimes I thought I was in hell. The possibility of setting off to the other side of the world alone, having to take complete responsibility for myself was laughable. I didn't think I could do anything. But for so long I had hidden, consumed by misery and loneliness, depending on others to take care of me. I'd had enough. What was the worst that could happen? I realized that the worst I could imagine was nothing compared to the fear and depression I had been living with. So I went for it, and I'm so happy I did. There were, and still are, times when I don't think I can do it, but having this time on my own has shown me that I'm stronger than I ever could have imagined. I know there's nothing I can't do, be or have, if I really want it. All of life is a gift, especially the struggles. So don't give up. If you think you can't do it, try. What's the worst that can happen?

Letting Go

2012-04-14T16:50:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been doing The Work, as recommended by Byron Katie. Thinking it through isn't enough since the process isn't really one of the mind. Doing it on paper really helps. As I write down every thought which I have believed for so long, I see that its oppposite is at least as true if not more true. How could I have been believing I was this person for so long? Thoughts such as "I'm a bad person," "I can't take care of myself," "Life is hard," "I can't...", in reality aren't any more true than "I'm a good person," "I can take care of myself," "Life is easy," "I can...". I'm coming more and more to the conclusion that all thoughts are pretty meaningless, and they don't define me or anyone. Of course, it's one thing to realize, and quite another to experience this truth. But I feel like I'm losing my sense of self, and as much as it seems scary sometimes, in the moment it's quite amazing. I ask myself "Can it really be safe to just do everything that feels right in the moment with no regard to past or future?" Somehow I feel that it's right to live that way. We've been so programmed to fear everything, but I feel like it's all falling away. I'm practicing allowing, and I'm seeing what Katie said she saw, that I'm being done! I'm not living life, life is living me! I'm just here for the ride. I keep watching myself, seeing what it would be like to not interfere, and this girl does things and my mind says "what are you doing? That's wrong, dangerous, crazy, stupid", but she does it anyway. She's me and not me, and I am never in control. I never have been. It's all an illusion. Everything is our greatest gift.

While being sick and very tired I've been able to just spend my time reading and relaxing in bed.I'm going to share a little bit more from Byron Katie's book "A Thousand Names For Joy".

"To be in the desert alone is to understand the absoluteness of solitude, the positive nature of emptiness. During the day, no sound-just mile after mile of sameness. Imagination has no context for the vastness of the desert when you're in it alone. And at night, in the moonless world, amid the smells and the silence, you lie down and have no idea what you're lying on. Is it a snake? A cactus? So you lie and wait, look up at the stars, and receive the ground, the coolness of the sand, giving up the idea that mind could grasp the lumps under your leg or shoulder. And then the thought of time. Is it midnight? Is it five days later, five years? And what am I who wonder what I am? And the smile that comes from knowing that you can't know and really don't care, that the answer to that would shrivel in the delight of this moment. Nothing of life imagined can compete with the beauty of nothingness, the vastness of it, the unfathomable darkness.

"This amazing desert earth has been my greatest teacher. She doesn't budge from what she is. I sit on her and there is no movement, no discussion, no complaint. The earth just gives, without condition, unnoticed, and that's the proof of love. She doesn't ever withhold. She doesn't compromise. The way she speaks is through the ind and the rain, the sand, the rocks, the sounds of her creatures. She just sings her song without meaning, and she continues to give without any expectation of return. She'll support you all your life, and if you throw a tin can onto her or dump poison into her bloodstream or drop a bomb on her, there is still total, unconditional love. She keeps giving and giving. She's me awake. She's you."

"We're born alone, we die alone, and we live alone, each on our own planet of perception. No two people have ever met. Even the people you know best and love with all your heart are your own projections. Sooner or later, you're the one who's left. Do you realize how wonderful that is? After all, you're the one you go to sleep with and wake up with, you're the one who orders your favorite food, and loves your favorite music. You've always been your favorite subject-your only subject. It's all about you.

" There's nothing sweeter than being with myself, by myself. The amusement, the wonder of thoughts! They appear so real in their brilliance, they create the whole world, the majesty and play of it, the life of feelings, the joys that mind brings forth as nectar to itself. Thoughts appear from nowhere, they move by like clouds, they change, they dissipate, they're gone. Who named the sky? How did he know that?

" I sit with my eyes closed. Two hours pass, then it occurs to me that not a single thought has happened. I discover that tears of joy are running down my cheeks. I don't stop them, even though the joy seems bigger than I can contain. All that it is, all that it ever was and ever could be, is invited to live at its highest power, now. It's all right if it kills me; it doesn't matter, I know not to stop it. I become so bright, so weightless and lived, so fearlessly allowing, that the joy can have its own full life through me. And as everything becomes visible, I see its true nature, which is love. Everything else is burned up as this joy has its way with me. I could kiss the ground, I could make love with the dirt, with the cement, the leaves, the soil, the texture of reality between fingers that can't even hold it. There's nothing to grasp, nothing that can be controlled. I notice that I'm worshipping not with any words, but with palm of hand against cheek. Where will this love end? How could I possibly know? And, eventually, the sobbing changes to the softest whisper, a breath, and then not even that."

I love reading her books because, while reading them, I feel what it would be like to be so free. All the problems of my mind go away, at least for a little while. More and more I'm finding myself in a state of surrender, observing the world around me, not needing for it to be any different than it is. It seems that when I'm talking with people I lose a large part of that acceptance, and become lost in fear of judgement, projecting myself into the future. To observe it as it is happening is new to me though, and I feel like I'm beginning to see through it. Who am I trying to hide anyway? If I know that I am perfection, living in this human form, that there can be no mistakes, how can I not love who I am in every moment?

Dreamland

2012-04-09T14:41:00.001-07:00

For the longest time I've wanted to see the Maku'u farmers market, and haven't because the bus doesn't run on Sundays, so I decided to hitchhike. I've been doing that more and more lately, and have had nothing but good experiences, but almost everyone who gives me a ride says I shouldn't be, that it's dangerous for a young woman to be out alone. I imagine they're right, but for now that is how it is. Maybe sometime soon I'll have someone to go with me.

The market was unbelievable. Hilo farmers market is nothing compared to this one. There were so many vendors I was overwhelmed. All kinds of delicious ripe fruit. I ended up having some giant chocolate sapotes for breakfast( you need to have chocolate on Easter after all), and then got the most delicious smelling jackfruit(which someone later told me was a champedak) and a huge soursop. Hitchhiking back to Pahoa was easy and I spent a couple hours there catching up with things on the internet. The ride home ended up being really cool because when I got in the people's car there were a bunch of durians. The couple were fellow fruit enthusiasts, so we had a good chat. They also told me where Cinder Road was, so I decided to spend my afternoon in search of my land there. I also asked if the guy knew of any land for sale in the area and if he knew about the property I was interested in. He said just to go there, to explore, and that I'd know if it was right and the universe would arrange a way for me.

As I walked up Cinder Road I felt the energy of the land shift. While I love it on Papaya Farms Road, there's an energy there which I think extends from the old Hawaiian burial grounds further towards the coast. It feels a bit dark and heavy, very intense, but not completely unwelcoming. On Cinder road everything felt brand new, like time had not found it yet. It was also the road where Cinderland is located. Since being here I've learned that word of mouth isn't that trustworthy here. When I was staying at Hedonisia the owners there told me that people from Cinderland were wild and dangerous, that they did huge amounts of heavy drugs and would end up on your land to harass you. I heard so many other stories there that I have yet to find true. But in a way I believed what I was told about Cinderland and I have steered clear of there. Since staying in Kapoho I have run into so many people staying at Cinderland and they've all been amazing, beautiful souls. While walking past there today I met a couple people, all without shoes, hippies, like me, and I felt really at home with them. Everyone always assumes I live at Cinderland just because I seem so similar to the people who live there. It would be so amazing to live on the same road as the eco community. I'd never run out of new friends, and at the same time I'd have so much privacy and silence.

The further I walked up the road the more I loved it. Eventually it became more of a path than a road, so overgrown and forgotten.There was a lot of cane grass, and above it you could see mountains of lava rock all around. It was like the road was in this safe little valley, and I felt so protected there. Clouds began to cover the sky and the rain began to pour on me, soaking me to the skin. It was amazing. So much life there. At the end of the road were the papaya farms I've heard so much about. There were papaya trees as far as the eyes could see and so many dropped to the ground.I brought a few home to eat tomorrow. I don't think anyone will mind since they probably don't sell the ones from the ground.

When I visited Seaview last week and looked at the lots there I got what I thought was cold feet. Everything seemed so perfect, but something about it wasn't right. Inside I felt such resistance, a strong desire to be free from owning land. I figured I was just nervous about finally settling down because it would be very permanant. Today I saw differently. When I was walking this road, I experienced a knowing. There was no doubt in my mind, this was where I belonged. I feel like my search is over. I can't settle now that I've been there. I'm going to call the real estate agent and get a formal showing of the land sometime this week. I don't know how I'm going to make this happen, but I can feel that it will. I found this land the very first day it was advertised, more than 3 months ago. I showed it to my mom then and told her it was my land. I knew it from the start.

I miss my family! This past week I've really felt incomplete without them. It makes me sad sometimes to be halfway around the world and not knowing when I'll ever see them again. People keep asking me how I do it. They think I must be crazy to attempt this all by myself. The truth is I'm happy I got to do it alone. This experience has been the greatest gift, but I'm feeling more ready lately to be part of a group again. I needed to experience some things by myself, to see who I was below it all without anyone to influence me, and I feel like I could explore that forever, but by being alone I've realized that there are so many things that I can only learn through interaction with others. As I become ready to experience the vulnerability of being with others I can feel myself attracting it. As much as I thought I wanted close friends before I can see now how I was pushing away from it. Everything happens when it should.

My two best friends

My Baby

He loves his hedgehog

We're a strange pair

Sisters

Goddess of life

Goddess of love and compassion

Motherly goddess of earth

The Goddesses

Dancing through life:)

Joey and me will be reunited soon

He can't wait to come to the tropics where he'll be warm!

My father, almighty!

The beginning of Cinder Road

Lava desert, so beautiful

The beautiful road where I'll live soon

It was heaven on earth

Sense the life here

Seaview- I guess you can see why I fell in love

The colors were so vibrant there

Mangoes growing down the road-can't wait till they're ripe!

The Healer Within

2012-04-05T14:54:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I went into Hilo to shop for fruit for the week. While there I had the best eating experience of my life. A new variety of chocolate sapotes are coming into season (Mom, trust me, you would have no problem giving up real chocolate if you had some of these). The texture is thicker, like a doughy chocolate cake batter, and they are so rich and smooth. While sitting on a bench eating them I was so completely lost in the experience I forgot where I was. It was a meal of the sapotes and some organic soursops I got from a vendor who gave me a deal because they were "too ripe". It turns out they were falling apart, creamy white candy all over my hands:) I sat laughing while I ate them. I couldn't help it. The moment just seemed ridiculously amazing. I was also laughing about all the times people have told me that my diet must be boring or I must deprive myself to only eat fruit. I seriously did not know eating could be so pleasurable and I've never tasted food so good in my life. Fruitarianism is bliss!

After going through an intense period of sickness last week I felt compelled to dedicate myself to healing. I began to reread all my books on health and looked for more information anywhere I could find it. I especially looked within, to see what my body was truly asking for. I started by reading Arnold Ehrets "Rational Fasting". He mentioned the no breakfast plan which was also the title of a book I had read this winter. I think the book was written at leaast 100 years ago, and of course it's basic truths have since been covered up by the medical establishment. I will share a quick quote from the beginning of the book which I really liked:

"IF ANYBODY WOULD LIVE FROM CHILDHOOD, ON ABSOLUTLEY MUCUSLESS FOOD, AND FEED ON NOTHING BUT FRUIT, IT WOULD BE JUST AS CERTAIN THAT HE COULD GROW NEITHER OLD NOR SICK"

I also decided to reread David Klein's book, "Self Healing Colitis and Crohns", and I will share a short passage from there as well, an article by Dr. T.C. Fry and Dr. David Klein:

Understanding Disease

Disease, or "dis-ease," is what we feel when the body is in the process of detoxifying and healing itself. Disease is the body's intelligent response to abnormal or threatening influences. Disease is not something which invades our bodies from outside, nor is it something to be cured or stopped. In a manner of speaking, disease symptoms are a manifestation that the body is "curing" itself.

Disease is instituted by the body itself as an emergency measure to purify and repair itself. Modalities (treatments or therapies that involve drugs, herbs, manipulations or other infringements upon the vital domain) cannot possibly assist the body. On the contrary, they interfere with vital body purification and reparative functionsand normal body functions as well. Such interference poses additional problemsfor the body to cope with, thereby further lowering the body vitality. Body vitality may be lowered so much by the greater danger presented by the drugs or modalities that the original disease effort, which is actually an effort to purify the body, is discontinued in favor of devoting available energies to the more virulent enemy, the drugs within. That is why medical physicians are called "allopaths." That is why there is so much "iatrogenic disease," meaning disease caused by treatments.

"Allopath" literally means "opposite disease." In theory, allopathic doctors strive to displace the original disease by creating a heteropathic or opposite disease. Actually, all physicians succeed in doing is to create additional disease. The original problem remains while the body must redirect its energies partly or wholly to removing the more dangerous drugs, herbs, or so-called medicines. Thus, symptoms of the original disease disappear (or are suppressed and masked) because the necessary energy and vitality to further conduct the disease are now lacking. Yet, the body is in graver danger tha nbefore it was treated from both the uneliminated toxic accumulations and the added toxicity of drugs or other substances administered.

The best way to help the body in disease is to "intelligently do nothing" and simultaneously establish conditions of health that enable the body to devote all its vitality to the healing crisis. A thoroughgoing rest under tranquil circumstances constitutes a healing environment, for it permits full devotion of the body enrgies to the emergency task.

The body is always acting intelligently and correctly. The body is always acting appropriately based on the conditions with which it must contend. We can interfere with its operations, but we cannot possibly help it other than by furnishing the normal needs of life consonant with the existing body conditions.

In 1922, in his book "Toxemia Explained," John H. Tilden, M.D., wrote "All so-called diseases are merely the crises of toxemia and evolve from just one cause: toxemia." Dr. Tilden further wrote:

'It should be known to all discerning physicians that the earliest stage of disease is purely functional, evanescent and never autogenated so far as the affected organ is concerned, but is invariably due to an extraneous irritation (or stimulation if you please) augmented by toxemia. When the irritation is not continuous and toxin is eliminated as fast as developed to the toleration point, normal functioning is resumed between the intervals of irritation and toxin excess.

'For example: a simple coryza (running at the nose-cold in the head), gastritis or colonitis. At first these colds, cattarhs, or infammations are periodic and functional; but as exciting cause or causes (local irriation and toxemia) becomes more intense and continuous, the mucous membranes of these organs take on organic changes which are given various names such as irritation, infammation, ulceration, and cancer. The pathology (organic change) may be studied until doomsday without throwing any light on the cause, for from the first irritation to the extreme ending-cachexia- which may be given a blanket term "tuberculosis," "syphilis" or "cancer," the whole pathalogical panorama is one of contiunuous evolution of intensifying effects.'

The "seven stages of disease" nominated by Dr. Tilden are 1. enervation; 2. toxemia, or toxicosis; 3. irritation; 4. inflammation; 5. ulceration; 6. inuration;and 7. cancer. It is notable that in some cases even colon cancer has been overcome by making wholistic dietary and lifestyle changes- we obviously want to halt disease at stage one.

By stopping disease symptoms with medicines, a person suffers further toxification and enervation. Disease symptoms may subside with medicines because: 1. the medicine may be so enervating that the body is no longer able to continue with the detoxification process, or 2. the medicines may be so toxic that the body may shift its detoxification efforts to other areas of the body (resulting in new disease symptoms, commonly called "side effects.")

If a person with inflammatory bowel disease replaces the unhealthful dietary and lifestyle factors which lead to disease with healthful ones, the body will heal itself and ease will be restored."

I have been studying natural hygiene for quite a few years now, and after learning about the body and its infinite wisdom, I began to see all outside healing methods for what they were, as described in the article above. I hope reading it will help everyone, especially my family, to understand why, no matter how sick my body is, I will not be going to a conventional doctor or looking for any outside "cures". Learning about the magic of the body returns the faith to us which was our birthright, that we are self healing beings, and we don't need anyone, or anything to save us. In that there is much power.

I am doing my best to listen to my body and understand what it's trying to tell me. I am starting by allowing my body to rest in the mornings, rather than bombarding it with food. I have learned through reading, and now by observation, that the body is doing its strongest detoxification work in the the morning hours, and that is the worst time to halt its work with consumption of food. By skipping breakfast, I can literally feel my body healing in the morning, and I have been filled with more energy, and a sense of peace and ease in the mornings which was never there when I ate breakfast. When I do eat my first meal of the day, I feel that it really nourishes me, and it tastes so delicious. Unlike before, there is no pain when I eat, and my body tells me it is truly ready for food. I am also practicing with stopping eating early in the afternoon, around 2pm, so that my body has as much vital energy as possible to heal throughout the rest of the day and night. When ready, Arnold Ehret recommends the "one meal per day plan" for which you eat just one big midday meal, and have a 24 hour fast each day. For now, eating within a couple of hour period is a challenge enough for me, and the results are more impressive than I ever could have imagined. Of course, I am also following Dr. Klein's advice, to only eat ripe, sweet fruits, no acid fruits, peels, or vegetables at this time. This healing is very exciting for me. It's time.

Ask and it is given

2012-04-03T18:44:00.000-07:00

The past couple of nights I've had a hard time sleeping. During the day I try to tell myself that not having a place to live in less than 2 weeks is ok, that it will work out. And even if it doesn't, what's the worst that can happen? Still, during the night my mind races, fear enveloping me. Usually I just try to be completely present with it, to feel the sensations and energies within me, and eventually I get back to sleep. I got my favorite book in the whole world at the library the other day,(by the way, this library is the size of a small town. I was in there, completely shocked and so excited to know that I have more books than I can ever read) "A Thousand Names For Joy" by my favorite author, Byron Katie. Everytime I read it, I begin to feel so at peace with absolutely everything in my life, and in the world. Every word she writes rings so true with my spirit, while at the same time, my mind makes no sense of it. The book is basically her interpretation of certain passages from the Tao Te Ching, and for all who don't know, Byron Katie was a very depressed woman, and much like Eckhart Tolle, she just woke up to the truth one day, and has lived in a state of love, bliss, and peace ever since. Her first book, "Loving What Is" really changed my life. It was as if through reading it I was able to give my mind permission to love everything as it was, while before I only denied it, thinking that I was a bad person for loving everything. I'm going to share a couple short passages that really spoke to me. I'd love if anyone would like to leave a comment to let me know what they think.

" Peace is our natural condition. Only by believing an untrue thought is it possible to move from peace into emotions like sadness and anger. Without the pull of beliefs, the mind stays serenely in itself and is available for whatever comes along.

Who would you be in people's presence without, for example, the story that anyone should care about you, ever? You would be love itself. When you believe the myth that people should care, you're too needy to care about people or about yourself. The experience of love can't come from anyone else; it can only come from inside you.

I was once walking in the desert with a man who began to have a stroke. We sat down, and he said, 'Oh my god, I'm dying. Do something!' He was talking through one side of his mouth because the other side had become paralyzed. What I did was just sit there beside him, loving him, looking into his eyes, knowing that we were miles from a phone or car. He said, 'You don't even care,do you?' I said, 'No.' And through his tears, he started to laugh, and I did, too. And eventually his faculties returned; the stroke had come to pass, not to stay. This is the power of love. I wouldn't leave him for a caring.

..." Some people think that compassion means feeling another person's suffering. That's nonsense. It's not possible to feel another person's pain. You imagine what you'd feel like if you were in that person's shoes, and you feel your own projection. Who would you be without your story? Pain-free, happy, and totally available if someone needs you- a listener, a teacher in the house, a Buddha in the house, the one who lives it. As long as you think there's a you and a me, let's get the bodies straight. What I love about separate bodies is that when you hurt, I don't-it's not my turn. And when I hurt, you don't. Can you be there for me without putting your own suffering between us? Your suffering can't show me the way. Suffering can only teach suffering.

The Buddhists say that it's important to recognize suffering in the world, and that's true, or course. But if you look more deeply, even that is a story. It's a story to say that there is any suffering in the world. Suffering is imagined, because we haven't adequately questioned our thoughts. I am able to be completely present with people in extreme states of torment without seeing their suffering as real. I'm in the position of being totally available to help them see what I see, if that's what they want. They're the only ones who can change, but I can be present, with kind words and the power of inquiry.

..." I've heard people say that they cling to their painful thoughts because they're afraid that without them they wouldn't be activists for peace. 'If I felt completely peaceful,' they say, 'why would I bother taking action at all?' My anwser is 'Because that's what love does.' To think that we need sadness or outrage to motivate us to do what's right is insane. As if the clearer and happier you get, the less kind you become. As if when someone finds freedom, she just sits around all day with drool running down her chin. My experience is the opposite. Love is action. It's clear, it's kind, it's effortless, and it's irresistable."

For many people, hearing Katie's words can make them become very defensive because for so long, maybe their entire lives, they thought they were the mind, the ego, and to question it, to truly see it, is to kill it. I remember the first time I read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, I hated it, and I hated him. The book enraged me and I didn't understand why. My mind said "Look at what he's telling you to do, to do nothing, have nothing, be nothing. What a life of boredom, depression, and lack." I just felt so uncomfortable, because deep down I knew that everything he was saying was true, but that was the first time in my life I had questioned my mind. It took a couple years before I was ready to read his books again, and throughout that time I thought of what he had said so often. I felt as though it had plagued me with unhappiness sometimes because I knew that the answers weren't in a new place to live, a better life, more money, good food, friends, etc. A part of me knew, without a doubt, that everything I was seeking was within.

I discovered something very powerful a couple of weeks ago. I wrote about it in my journal, but I wasn't ready to share it because I feared judgement, but I don't now. I was sitting at a bus station, and a woman sitting next to me, who I think was on drugs, began to scream and cry about her pain and misery and how she wanted to kill herself. She had an abusive boyfriend who was fighting with her. As I saw this happening I became filled with so much love. It was the most amazing feeling, like I was filled with light. All I wanted to do was love this woman and this man, and to my mind this seemed very ridiculous. My mind said "How can you feel so good when these people are suffering?" All I knew was that this love was the most unconditional, beautiful thing, and I felt like it could heal the whole world. A bus came, and the the couple got out of their seats to board it. The woman smiled and handed me a flower. Deep down I think she felt it too.

Today I woke up feeling like I was going to find a solution to my living situation. I have been meditating in the mornings again(I took a few days off because of the fear.) Inside I was feeling more at peace, and my faith was strong. I really felt like this struggle was a gift. I got into town and talked to my family and looked for a place to live. I didn't find anything too great, and most of the possible places were already taken. When I got off the bus I walked home in the sunshine, and I still felt within me that everything was going to be ok. I ran into Janelle(the owner of the farm where I'm staying) and I asked her if it would be possible for me to stay another month. It turns out that there is another open month, and she said I could stay. I was so relieved I felt like dancing home.

This means that now I have over a month to find my land. I can tell it's going to happen soon. I've taken this faith and planted lots of fruit trees to take to my new home. I keep talking to people about Kalapana Seaview and hearing nothing but good news. I wrote to a realtor today to see if I can schedule a viewing of some lots there. I'm so excited. I look at this life, and watch as everything I could ever dream of becomes real. I'm so happy right now.

With Great Expectations...

2012-03-29T15:25:00.000-07:00

We're told to expect great things, or sometimes even mediocre things, but always to plan ahead. When I went through some of my worst depression and was put into the hospital all the therapists wanted to know what my future plans were. When I told them I didn't have any and wanted to live in the present they told me that was my problem and insisted I come up with a five year plan. I've had a lot of days now, just sitting here, looking at my expectations, and realizing that they are what brings suffering. When in your mind you see things going a certain way and then they don't, you feel like you did something wrong, or that life just isn't working in your favour, and that can make you cynical, depressed, angry, and you might lose hope when nothing was wrong in the first place. Can anything ever really go wrong? Deep down I really don't think it can. We all have these ideals on the surface, every one of us, but they're all different. All our opinions on what is right and wrong, they were born through culture, on ideas that mostly haven't been around for very long. If I really look within I see that almost everything I've believed is untrue.

My body has been sick the past few days, resisting food very strongly. I'm mostly at peace with it though. When I think about this wonderful life that I live, of every beautiful moment I've been given, how can I be ungrateful? That doesn't mean I'm not going to do everything I can to heal. I'm just not going to fight the reality of this moment. I got a book entitled "Instinctive Nutrition". It was recommended in that book I read last month about instinctive eating. It's strange to be reading these books which aren't supportive of vegan diets, or really any labels at all. Reading them is helping me to become more humble. You know how when you believe in something like veganism, treading lightly on the earth, or living a certain way, and you feel superior to have this label, and everyone you talk to you feel like you want to convince them that what you're doing is right? It's not a good feeling to me, very defensive. Well, what if we could let it all go? What would it be like to be nothing and to be everything all at once? To love everyone and everything because the world is so perfect just the way it is? I think it is the deepest peace, a life of surrender and unconditional love.

My sleep cycle is becoming so in tune with nature. When the sun starts to go down in the afternoon, around 6:30, I begin to feel very calm and sleepy. It's funny, I have a solar light in my cabin, but I rarely use it. I'm beginning to feel like artificial lighting confuses me, and the light of the day is all I want. So, as it gets dark out I relax in my big comfy bed(the one I dreamed about for so long), and I fall into the deepest, most peaceful sleep I've ever known. I wake up in the morning, usually a half hour or an hour before the sun rises. I find that a really good time to meditate, and then watch the sun kiss the trees as it comes up. There's something so magical in the sun's light. In the morning, when I have my long walk to the bus stop, I get to feel the early morning sun on my skin, and it just feels like pure unconditional love, the most beautiful thing in the world.

I got a rollinia that weighed about 4 pounds yesterday. It was so ripe it was falling apart, oozing custard, so I got a deal on it. I have another variety of jakfruit that the man down the road says I will love, but it won't be ripe for a couple more days. I also have some organic mameys from the fruit stand here. This food wasn't cheap, but I need to do what is necessary to eat right now.

I've been going through a very intense period this past week. I spent two days in complete solitude, not uttering a single word, passing through so many emotional states. Then I talked with my family yesterday and I missed them so much. I felt so lonely and out of place. I didn't know who I was anymore or what I wanted. In the afternoon I fell into deep depression and I felt doomed to spend the rest of the day alone. I was so restless, my thoughts racing, so I decided to go for a walk. I walked for hours and hours, allowing the thoughts and emotions to be. I realized that so much, if not all of my suffering was being caused through my resistance to going through what I was going through. I noticed repetitive thoughts: "I can't go through this again. I was over this. I've suffered enough. I don't deserve this. I'm different. I've changed. This isn't how I wanted my life to go." And through it all I noticed expectations of this person I was suppossed to be now. I saw myself as being through all my depression and emerging as a different person. I've spent so long in such fear of going back to who I was, in such a tight state of resistance, that through it I became who I've been for a very long time: Someone who resists what is, so lives in suffering. What if I could let go and be free to experience anything, even things which in the past I have labelled as wrong or bad?

As I walked yesterday I looked at everything around me, all the trees, the rocks, the animals, living in complete peace. I'm learning so much from them. They seem to resist nothing, to be so completely present and alive. I realized that as long as you're thinking you can't really see. When my dad put me into art classes when I was 14 the teacher told me that through art we were learning to see. I remember contemplating what she said, wondering what she'd meant by it. Had we not been seeing things our entire lives? As I drew I always thought about what she said and I began to notice that when I truly saw something as it was there were no thoughts. When I truly became one with my art my mind became empty and I became filled with so much joy and peace. It's been a long time since I've been in that state. Shortly after finding such fulfillment in art I stopped because of expectations I had for myself. People began to praise my work and suddenly all I cared about was pleasing them, every one of them, and art became a chore. The thoughts of failure would rush with every brushstroke and I began to hate it. So I stopped. For a little while I tried to gain back the acceptance I felt in the beginning when I did art just for me, but I never found it. For me expectations are a curse. So for today, I vow to let it be, every moment, exactly as it is.

Land of cinders, my tropical desert

4 pounds of rollinia cream:)

It was so delicious!

Durian tree is growing beautifully:)

Fresh baby durian I bought

It was so amazing!!!Vanilla cream! I planted the sprouting seed:)

Local Kalapana mango...need I say why I want to live there?

Yesterdays abundance:)

The Green Goddess

She shares her wisdom

Life is Sweet:)

2012-03-20T14:16:00.000-07:00

For some reason I was feeling a little depressed earlier in the day. I was talking to my mom, complaining about going hungry yesterday, and not having food today, and it hit me after that how utterly ridiculous I was sounding. I was playing the pity card, and for no real reason at all. After I got off the phone (I found a wireless place in Pahoa, a museum that sells smoothies) I sat and thought about how fortunate I was and for how many things I was thankful for. The bus came and picked me up, and I did feel a lot better, just by changing my reaction to the situation. I was tired, and having to walk home without food was challenging, but just as I was getting to my road I saw a man selling fruit. I figured it was just another person selling green bananas, but it was worth a look. I asked if he had anything ripe, and he said that yes, it was all ripe, and it was. He sold me a champedak, my very first one(the last one I got was actually a champejak, a mix of jakfruit and champedak) for only $4. He warned me though, that it was so ripe it was about to burst all over me. He also sold me some wi(pronounced "vee")apples. He told me they were sort of like mangoes, and very ripe. They were very large and 3 for $1! I happily walked back home with my arms loaded with goodies, so hungry I just wanted to sit in the road and start eating. I found a very soft eggfruit that the chickens were after so I picked that up and brought it back to my home. Josanna's fruit stand had some star apples(they taste like creamsickles to me, very strange, but very delicious) and 2 perfectly ripe rollinias which I bought for $6 total. I decided to start by eating the champedak since I was afraid it might not last too much longer, and the smell was making my mouth water. I opened it up and saw what looked like little jakfruit sections, but they were a creamy yellowish white. I thought maybe they weren't properly ripened - until I took a bite. I felt the taste of this fruit with my entire body. So sweet, so creamy, it was like I left my seat in the grass and floated up into the clouds. I just sat there, lost in time, eating almost the entire fruit. As soon as I finished I felt so refreshed and alive. My body craved movement.
I decided to get on my bike and head to the beach, just 6kms down the road. I felt so alive. I took my towel to lie in the sun, surrounded by palm trees. I forgot my camera, but I'll bring it with me next time. After I felt filled with the light of the sun I went to swim in the gigantic hot pond. It was almost deserted so I just floated on my back with my eyes closed. A very powerful healing transformation took place in the water there. As I lied there I imagined a healing energy enveloping me in the water. I went back to a place that was before my time in the womb, where I was completely nurtured, with limitless energy and potential. I let the water carry me, and I surrendered to it completely. Afterwards I felt a new sense of life within me, and the bicycle ride home was effortless, my body was moving like it was born to. I felt no sense of fatigue. Every hill I climbed at the most difficult speed on my bike and felt like I was barely moving. I was weightless.

For so many years I tortured myself, wanting to disappear to a point where I would not leave a footstep and no one would see me. Now I have found this weightlessness, but in a way that is filled with grace. I'm in my element now and the earth surrounds me with its loving embrace. I don't pollute my mother earth by driving a car, by eating food that's been shipped around the globe, by pouring chemicals onto my body and then into the water. I don't pollute my body with food that is half rotten, or has been sitting on a shelf for 6 months. I eat mostly organic, and all the fruit I eat has been grown locally, a large percentage of it within feet of where I live. I don't mean to criticize anyone who still relies on things that aren't ideal, for there is a time for everything, and for me I think that time has passed, but I can't see the future, and one never knows what is to come.

It's strange, sometimes I'll go the entire day without uttering a word and I don't even notice until for some reason I need to say something. Even then, I usually only speak a few words. It wasn't my intention to become silent here, but it is something I have wanted to do for a very long time. It's very scary sometimes, to a degree you can only imagine, but isn't it always scary to meet the person you know you will spend the rest of your life with? It's also very magical, learning what love really is, and what it isn't.

I meditate every morning now. You don't know how strange that is to me. For years I have read and learned of the benefits of meditation, but have only attempted a couple times. Just sitting there, alone, even for a minute was too daunting. I guess it's like that for a lot of people, that's why we have excuses of why we can't do it, or why now isn't the right time in our lives. The right time for it is when we decide to do it. Forcing isn't the way. If I don't want to I won't, as simple as that. I am gradually increasing my time, finding that the time I started with just isn't as much as I would like. I end each meditation, usually completely amused by the fact that I don't want to be finished. It makes me feel more peaceful, and increases my sense of gratitude for every gift that I have been given.

I watch the law of attraction in action here, and it keeps amazing me how quickly absolutely everything I think about manifests. It's unbelievable. There is so much magic in the land here. Where I am now is some of the newest land on the planet, with so much energy and potential within it. I still haven't made it to my property on cinder road, but I think I'll head out there tomorrow. I did walk a short ways onto the road while I was waiting for the bus and the energy was so vibrant. There was so little traffic. Just one nice lady who sits at the end of the road selling a few fruits and veggies. As soon as I move there I'm going to grow so much food. I was planning it today, thinking about growing tomatoes, squash, peppers, melons, and other things that will fruit very quickly, and I will sell those at the end of the road or at the Green Lake Friday Fruit Market, just down the road. I was also thinking what an amazing retreat I could start there if I needed money to pay for the land. The silence down there is amazing, and I could build a tiny Bali hut as a meditation retreat. Everything good in life is free though, I can really see that now.

I still have yet to meet any friends here, but I guess it isn't the time for that right now. I can feel things falling into place just as they're meant to, and when I need a friend, one will be there. I have gotten to spend my time in silence to think about being completely alone, and what that means to me. I've always wondered if, to get to our highest spiritual potential, we need to be alone, and I've been thinking about that so much lately. I haven't really come to a conclusion, and I don't know if there is one. Being alone with myself is very special, but being with others is so important to me as well. I learn so much both ways, and I cherish both, but I don't feel like we're meant to have one without the other.

I guess I've gone on long enough for today. The sun is setting, and my alertness is going with it. To all my family, I love you and miss you, and hopefully I'll talk to you soon..

Silence at sunrise

The quilt is well on its way:)

Happy Morning

Super yummy champedak

Fruitarian Abundance:)

Glowing eggfruit-so much life!

The organic super local collection:)

Lizard Love

Wild Child