Hope Floats....

Can I Borrow a Cup of Ice...

2009-11-10T20:03:00.000-06:00

One daylawhile back week I asked Joe to bring home dinner, when he walked into the house without a bag full of food, I nearly lost my mind.

I pulled a meal out of the freezer and started to thaw it for dinner when I realized that I didn't have any rice. Talk about pulling your hair out. Then it occurred to me if you can borrow a cup of sugar from your neighbor why not a cup or two of rice.

I picked up the phone and called my BFF. After complaining about Joe for a bit, I asked her to borrow two cups of rice. We talked for a bit and I wondered why she was slightly confused with my request.

We ended the conversation with me saying, "thanks for the rice" when it finally dawned on her that I was asking for RICE instead of ICE. Could you imagine calling your neighbor and asking her for two cups of ICE to go along with your stuffed green peppers? Yeah, my BFF couldn't either.

After we had a good giggle I sent Joe for the rice and wondered if he would come back with not only the rice but a ice cube tray to boot.

Next time I'll be asking not only for the rocks but the margarita that goes with them....

Going On Safari....

2009-10-28T16:08:00.002-05:00

So I'm at the chiropractor's office today...I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before but they do all of their PT and other modalities in the ' great room.' So anyone getting electrical stimulation is getting it usually with at least one other person on the table next to them...I'm talking 2 feet away from each other.

Yes, I think this is odd. When you can look over and see the chiropractor digging down someone's pants to place the stim pads, well, it looks pretty freaky. But imagine my confusion at this conversation today.

Dr. Adorable (seriously I want to pinch his cheeks) starts to dig around in a very dignified 70 year old woman's pants when I hear him say....

"So, you've got on Zebra ones today, huh?"

At which point I think, holy crap, he's talking about her underwear...I can't believe he's talking to a 70 year old about her underwear, and he continues the conversation with...

"Last time you had on cheetah ones...."

I'm over on the next table with my jaw laying on the floor next to me thinking, hell, I wore a leopard print thong last week and you didn't mention anything to me...looks like he's into older women. So then the conversation went something like this...

"Did you go on safari and buy them?"

Here I'm thinking does he want to buy a pair for his wife or something? The poor lady answered...

"I bought them at department store."

At this point I'm totally astounded my doctor and his 70 year old patient are having a discussion about her underwear on the table next to me....does this kind of $hit only happen to me?

Imagine my surprise when the woman bent over and picked up a Zebra print jacket that was on the floor.

Click, the whole conversation made so much more sense...and now Dr. Perv can go back to Dr. Adorable. Guess I shouldn't jump to conclusions...another valuable lesson learned today....

Down In the Dumps....

2009-10-27T13:07:00.002-05:00

As you may have noticed, I haven't been blogging much this month and that's because I have an attitude problem (not to be confused with an altitude problem...though my head has been in the clouds most of this month.)

I have gotten to the point that I just can't post about positive stuff when I'm not feeling it. Plain and simple my RA is kicking my butt this year and I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of being achy, taking all kinds of meds, planning surgery and all of the rest of the things that go with having RA.

And I just want to stomp my feet and scream and holler about it...which won't solve things but maybe it would help me blow off some steam. I'm pissed...

I'm getting ready to have an ankle fusion, and I really don't want it. It's not just the surgery that scares me, it's being 39 and actually being 'sick' enough to warrant this surgery. I call RA an invisible disease but it seems the person I have the most convinced of that is myself. I keep waiting for the remission. I push the doctors, change my meds, try new things like acupuncture and yet nothing is working. This has truly been the most frustrating time of my life.

And slowly (or maybe quickly) as I standby and watch us not getting control of the RA I'm kissing joints away one by one...and it SCARES the hell out of me. If you had asked me after my elbow surgery if I would be contemplating an ankle surgery a year and a half later I would have been horrified...and yet, here I am.

When I'm done with this surgery I won't be able to bend my ankle...basically I won't have a joint at the ankle anymore...not to mention I will have at least 5 screws in there to hold things together.

I have done all I have been asked....I have played by the rules...is it to much to at this point to ask for a break? I'm going to Hawaii in April to celebrate our 15th anniversary...I don't care if I have to wear a cast and someone has to push me in a wheelchair, I'm going.

Now excuse me while I go and put my Christmas tree up...better early than never....

Getting Caught With Your Pants Down...Or Something Like That...

2009-10-26T14:12:00.002-05:00

Uh yeah, so I haven't learned my lesson yet. I got caught in my rheumatologists office the other day wearing a thong. It never occurred to me that he would want to look at my hip...color my 150 year old doctor embarrassed as I pulled my drawers down and he was looking at way more cheek than he wanted to.

But it gets worse (I know, hard to believe)...I came home and later that day while using the facilities I looked down and noticed that I was wearing my underwear inside out. I was hoping that it was just the seams and that my doctor wouldn't have noticed...except for the big black lettering with the name of the store and size right above the hip he was looking at.

Uhm yeah, I'm 39 years old and I can't seem to put my underwear on correctly. I hope that the doctor will just figure that I was having a really bad day (which is true) and not that he thinks I get two wearings out of my clothes by turning them inside out....ick!!

Let me tell you, before I go to the doctor I'll make sure to look for tags from here on out.

Things To Ponder...

2009-10-06T06:29:00.000-05:00

Hope and I were watching a tv program today and the person on tv said, "call my name three times and I will appear in your living room."

Hope thought about it for a second and turned to look at me and asked, "Mommy, why would I want him to pee in my living room...."

Deep Thoughts....

2009-10-05T18:28:00.001-05:00

Why is it when we get what we want we find out maybe we didn't want it as much as we thought we did....

Learned a Valuable Lesson Today...

2009-09-29T15:01:00.002-05:00

You know how I've always wondered what is the correct pair of underwear to wear to the doctor? Well, I got the answer today....it's any pair you don't mind your doctor seeing.

Which means my leopard print thong went over really well this morning. Especially when my 27 year old cutie doctor went to stick the pads to the electrical stimulation down my pants....(just typing that makes me shudder.) I'm sure he got quite the surprise when all he felt was cheek....

Now I know I'm just another body to him and he doesn't care if I wear underwear much less what it looks like but I on the other hand wanted to DIE. OF. MORTIFICATION.

All I can picture is of him thinking "Oh God, if I wash my eyeballs out will that get rid of the picture in my mind?"

I'll be prepared on Friday....now where did I put those granny panties....

Overheard at My New Rheumatologist's Office....

2009-09-22T21:04:00.004-05:00

"Melissa, the issue with your feet is OBVIOUSLY your rheumatoid arthritis. Let's increase your medicine, give you some steroids and consider a cortisone injection. You are obviously NOT in remission. How long do you want to try this treatment?"

"A month?"

"I want you back in two weeks for a check up."

And at that point I had to physically restrain myself from hugging my new doctor...he's not someone I would go to for life (he's seriously about a hundred years old) but for the next three months, I can totally handle that.

Oh, I almost forgot while I was checking out he came to find me and asked me about what I take for pain...and then offered me something...

And then my chiropractor told me he would be happy to deal with my back issues and that was icing on the cake....of course this was after he rubbed my ankle for 15 minutes.

Yeah, an all around stellar day for doctors!! My trust in doctors is going up at each visit...thank goodness....pardon me while I do the happy dance...care to join me?

No Tip for You!!

2009-09-21T15:51:00.003-05:00

It's been awhile since I've last had my nails and toenails done. I decided to go yesterday and treat myself...

When I was halfway there I realized that I hadn't shaved that morning. I had already called to ask if they had an opening and I really just wanted to get it done. I figured that it couldn't be that big of a deal, right?

I'm sitting in the chair relaxing...the nail tech is rubbing my legs and she looks up at me and says, "you need a shave, huh?" I was literally struck dumb as my jaw hit the floor....now I'm not a hairy, amazon woman or anything and I didn't even think the situation was forest like or anything but I guess when your rubbing someones leg you can feel stubble.

So, I'm thinking here comes the sales pitch for waxing...when the nails tech looks down and gets back to work.

So seriously, my nail tech outed my leg stubble...good thing she wasn't rubbing my arm pits....

What would you do in my situation?

Invisible Illness Week - RA

2009-09-19T21:05:00.003-05:00

1. The illness I live with is: Rheumatoid Arthritis, Sjogren's Syndrome (does craziness count as invisible....)

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1972

3. But I had symptoms since: I would figure probably since I was born, I started to limp at two

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Learning to adjust to what my body is willing to do instead of what my mind wants it to do.

5. Most people assume: That I'm lazy or to young to have these kinds of issues...even some of my doctors. If I had a dollar for every time heard a doctor say your to young, I'd be rich.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Getting out of bed. Who would have ever thought putting your feet on the ground could be so painful?

7. My favorite medical TV show is: Grey's of course...followed closely by Private Practice.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: Hmm, ace bandages, my snazzy pink cane, followed closely by my ice pack or heating pad.

9. The hardest part about nights are: Getting comfy enough to fall asleep...and then stay asleep. Thank you Ambien...and the duct tape to keep me fom sleepwalking.

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please) I'm down to 6 prescriptions from 12...go me!!

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Think they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. I think mainstream and alternative treatments together make a great marriage...

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Not sure, either one sucks...

13. Regarding working and career: I'm a stay at home mom and some times by the time dinner rolls around I want to crawl to the kitchen but I push through...because that's my job. You know, besides watching soap operas and eating bon bons.

14. People would be surprised to know: I love to exercise and it's one of the things I hate to give up the most when I'm flaring. I'm at my best physically and emotionally when I can get on my bike and ride for an hour.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Adjusting activity as my illness increases. I just hate to give up anything....

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Parasail...I was sure it would be more painful to my joints then it was...thank goodness, because it was fun.

17. The commercials about my illness: Don't really do the disease justice. If taking a shot made me 100% better, that would be awesome, but yeah, not so much.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Walking as much as I want to.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: Gluten...seems like something is always missing from my food...oh yeah, it's FLOUR.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Well, since I was diagnosed at two maybe drinking out of a cup? I have lots of good hobbies like...piano, blogging, reading, yoga, pilates, biking....17 at my last count...

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: One day would never be enough. And I've been lucky to have a few long remissions...during which time I just lived a normal life...who could ask for more...we all want normal.

22. My illness has taught me: Some times life just ain't fair. It's what you do with the cards you're dealt that matters.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: Your to young (as I mentioned earlier) but my favorite was said by my doctor last year, "RA sucks..." Uh, thanks Sherlock...that's news.

24. But I love it when people: Realize that I'm making the effort. Sometimes it's not easy and I would like to stay in bed and yet I get up every day to enjoy things with my family. It's big when someone validates that.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: It is what it is...sometimes when we accept this is just what we have to deal with, it makes it easier to get on with it.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Now is the best time to have RA (if you have to) the medications they've come out with in the past 10 years are AMAZING...and then add alternative options and if there is ever a time to have RA it's now (and then they punch me in the head and call me Pollyanna.)

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: It's never far from your mind. So many things revolve around how you are feeling at any one moment...it's a lot harder to plan for than I thought.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: I'm pretty easy...just a call can make my day. Though my mom did make me dinner not to long ago when I got out of the hospital...that was pretty awesome.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I think educating people about ALL invisible illnesses (and believe me, there are A LOT) is worth 5 minutes of my time. And when you are giving me the evil eye for parking in a handicap space, know that those extra 5 steps could mean the difference between shopping and not shopping for me. (Though that was back when I had a handicap tag....now I just schlep from the back 40 like all the rest of you poor people.)

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Hopeful...

A What???

2009-09-16T18:54:00.002-05:00

I just sent the hubs out to Dairy Queen for ice cream (why no, that isn't on my diet....thanks for asking). Amongst some grumbling and moaning he asked both Hope and I what we wanted.

Peanut Buster Parfait for me (hey, it's a good source of calcium) and then Joe turns to Hope and she says, "I want a hairy Dilly Bar." Or at least in my head that's what she said.

I looked at her with a confused look on my face and said, "a what?" All the time imagining the employee at DQ rubbing a dilly bar on the floor to pick up hair.

"I said I want a CHERRY Dilly Bar, Mom. What did you think I said?"

I'll be getting measured for my hearing aid later this week....

You Live Long Enough You See Just About Everything....No, Really...

2009-09-12T12:51:00.002-05:00

The other day I was shopping at Walmart, as I do quite often now that I can walk without a cast or boots (do you hear a YIPPEE! in there?)

I finally decided I was done and went to the check out lane. Now this is a Walmart that is close to an Active Age Community (or as I call it the Raisin Farm, though I can say that because my parents live there.) There are usually a jillion retired shoppers there.

I looked up to the front of the line when I noticed a woman with a very ill fitting dress on. There was a place for her chest but nothing to fill it up. That's when I figured out that she wasn't wearing a bra...because her dress had no back. Uhm yeah, she had to be a good 60 years old and she was wearing a dress with no back and no bra with saggy b00bies.

So I thought, to each their own...if that made her comfortable, no problem. Well, at least until she walked away. There was a slit up the whole back of the dress...I mean from the bottom to the waist. Yeah, nice tanned brown booty flashed in the wind as she walked away. Obviously underwear wasn't high on her list in the morning when she got dressed. And let me tell you this woman tans with nothing on....I wonder where in the neighborhood she actually does this....and do old men drool?

Now this is the second old lady moon (I know I'm going to hell for this statement alone) I've seen this year. I'm all about comfort and wearing what makes you feel good but cripes....could you make sure that all your important parts are covered? There are just somethings on your body I don't need to be personally introduced to...well, at least until you've taken me to dinner once.

Now don't get me started on black socks and sandals.

Make Your URL Smaller...

2009-09-09T08:04:00.000-05:00

The other day Joe was telling me about some unwanted SPAM he received. He has a website to promote Santa's Landing. This email told him about how he could shorten the URL to his website.

He said to me, "imagine my surprise usually SPAM is about enlarging things, not making things smaller."

I shook my head and acted like I was interested when he said, "you know, like enlarging your peanuts."

Hmm, me thinks that was a Freudian Slip...

Potty Talk....

2009-09-07T20:22:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to wonder if our society hasn't become a little obsessed with our ability to eliminate. Seems every time I turn around someone is talking about their colon health or how regular or irregular they are.

I grew up in a house where we didn't discuss these things (are you starting to wonder what era I grew up in, first we couldn't say fart, then we didn't talk about pooping and the best for last, crap was a swear word in our house...it was kind of like the Brady Bunch with 4 less kids and no house keeper...but totally the same.) We all pooped but it wasn't common knowledge, we didn't count the days or keep a calendar with big red x's the last time a movement was made (and I'm not talking a feminist movement).

An example, the other night I was laying on the massage table when the massage therapist (just what I need another therapist) told me "my mom and grandma can't eat garlic or onions or else they get diarrhea....and I don't mean the normal kind, I mean the really bad kind."

Hmm, I'm laying on a table practically naked (thong not appropriate coverage for massage, though I was told to keep underwear on, wonder what would have happened if I took it off) 5 minutes after I've met you...I'm feeling slightly uncomfortable having a 12 year old rub me when you find it totally appropriate to share your Mom's/Grandma's bathroom habits with me. Well, that makes me feel right at home.

And what's with this 'it's worse than normal diarrhea." Can't we all agree that diarrhea is pretty shitty? Who needs to make levels of shittiness.

I mean seriously, if on the odd chance I should be walking around the mall and run into my therapist and her mother what am I going to say, "hey, nice to meet you....your daughter speaks highly of you....how's that diarrhea thing going?"

And as if yesterday's conversation wasn't bad enough today I had another moving conversation. A friend of mine was not feeling well today. I looked at her and asked her what was wrong. Imagine my surprise when she shared with me she was constipated. My reply, "no shit, have you taken anything for it?"

I mean what do you say to that, "hey, I barely know you but would you like to borrow a suppository?" I figured it wasn't any of my business to help her get things moving and she could handle things on her own (it's not like I carry a container of Miralax around with me).

She left me with the parting shot of "I'm going to the doctor so he can check things out." Well craptastic, now I will never look at her again without thinking of her doctor going on an archaeological dig. Next time I see her do I ask "hey, how's that not pooping thing going? Gives a whole new meaning to being full of shit, huh?"

Now I know that all of us poop. Heck, they even wrote a book about it...but do we literally need to be that in touch with ourselves.

Uhm, yeah...I'm 39

2009-09-04T14:12:00.000-05:00

The other day I was complaining to Joe as I'm wont to do. When I started to moan and groan, "I'm 38 and I shouldn't have to be dealing with my body falling apart"....moan, groan...you know the usual things I normally complain about.

After I said the "I'm 38" part for about the 5th time it finally occurred to me that I just celebrated a birthday and I am now 39. I looked at Joe and said, "uh yeah, I'm 39." He just smiled at me and kept his mouth shut.

I guess he figured if he corrected me at that point he probably wouldn't have lived to see his 39th birthday....smart man!!

The Continuing Saga...

2009-09-02T14:26:00.003-05:00

The last time we left off, my surgeon said if there was a tear in my tendon he would do surgery, my new surgeon said don't have surgery no matter what, this is RA and my rheumatologist came back with a this isn't RA, it's mechanical and I'm going to treat you with pain meds.

Uh yeah, 3 doctors, 3 different ideas. After all of these options came in I just kind of threw my hands up in the air and wished I could bang my head on a wall. When in walked the referral lady at my PCP's office (well, she didn't really walk in, she called.)

She's dealt with chronic pain and suggested trying chiropractic care and acupuncture. And you know what, she caught me on a good day and I said sign me up. I didn't know exactly how big that decision was going to be.

I really like my chiropractor (he's about 12...I'm beginning to wonder if there are any doctors my age left), not only does he have a plan, he is very respectful of me and always has a joke or smile (and considering he's sticking needles in my feet, that's always a good thing.) We have a no tears policy and I have been keeping up my end of the bargain.

You guys know about the trouble with my feet but I'm not sure how many of you know that I've been suffering from TMJ for over a year now (I've had it for many years but for the past year I've been flaring.) I finally got the nerve to talk to the doctor about my jaw thinking he would stick needles in my face, what I wasn't ready for was to have my jaw adjusted.

Now, if there was ever a point to find out if you trust your doctor it is when he has your head in his hands and is about to twist your jaw off your face. I was laying there thinking "am I really going to let him do this" and then I asked myself "could it be any worse than the pain you're already having" and the answer was a resounding no.

So, while he was sitting there moving my face in positions I never even knew it could move, I focused on the fact that he needed a breath mint. Oh yeah, totally in my personal space (and after my other doctor I was feeling pretty uncomfortable.) He reminded me to relax, but tell me how do you do that when you're scared your jaw is going to pop off and roll around on the floor.

The verdict? For the last year I have been walking around with the right side of my jaw stuck closed. He twisted the jaw twice and voila, for the first time in a year I could pop my right ear, I could open my mouth, I could chew and my constant headache is now gone for the second day in a row.

I was good and didn't cry in the office but can I tell you how hard I bawled on the way home? 1.) Because I was scared to death by what he had done and 2.) Because my jaw situation scares me to death and if it's this easily fixed maybe when I'm 65 I won't only be able to drink Ensure (see, good thing he is younger than me...he'll have to practice until he's 85.)

For the past year I have been told that I need surgery, that I need a cortisone shot, that I shouldn't have surgery at all costs, that I could have the joint washed out, that it was RA and that it was TMJ but no one wanted or knew how to fix it....until now.

I have suffered for over a year when I didn't need to, this makes Joe furious...me, I just don't have the time to waste. I can't believe it was that easy....and boy howdy, am I thankful.

I never considered myself a "crunchy" person. Believe me when I say I have tried pretty much everything out there...I am amazed at what a difference a chiropractor is making in my life. My jaw feels better, my left ankle is good and my right ankle is a work in progress but I believe it will be healed eventually with time and care.

To go from a doctor so ready to cut my foot open to a doctor that doesn't even think that my tendon issues are from my RA has been very different and difficult for me but with these results, I'm willing to trust him...and in my book earning my trust goes a long way at this point.

Pardon me while I go CHEW a snack....

There Is No Excuse for Flip Flops...

2009-09-01T07:44:00.000-05:00

I was at the chiropractor's office the other day when I overheard a conversation about a woman's shoes. Her doctor was giving her a hard time for continuing to wear heels even though they were contributing to her health issues.

I sat on my table, smugly thinking that I had wonderful $45 flip flops on and he wouldn't possibly have a reason to yell at me. Well, at least until my next visit anyway....

I walked in limping asking if it was normal that my foot was numb when the war against my shoes started.

He looked at me and said "don't you have any running or walking shoes" and said, "yes." Oh yeah, I lied...what's a girl supposed to do? Running shoes are just plain ugly, good for your feet, but ugly (or is that butt ugly?) So I added, "my flip flops have arch support in them" at which point he said, "I'm looking at your flip flops (dripping with disdain) and there is not enough support in them (good thing I didn't tell him they were $45, he probably would have stroked out in the middle of the practice.) He then went on to add that "there is no excuse for flip flops."

I figured at this point I'd better let the conversation go but y'all know me...I won't be deterred. So on the way to get acupuncture (you'd think I'd be smart enough not to pick on a guy who is about to stick needles in my feet) I grabbed my flip flops and said, "I haven't been able to wear shoes for 3 months and now you tell me my flip flops are horrible and you won't let me wear them." He looked at me seriously and said, "yeah Melissa, we're all out to get you."

And I proceeded to burst out laughing. The funny thing about this whole conversation? The longer that I couldn't wear shoes, the more shoes I bought. I think in a space of two months I bought 8 pairs of shoes. Cute, adorable shoes...that I won't be wearing because I will be sporting a new $125 pair of butt ugly running/walking shoes.

Yeah, maybe those boots weren't so bad after all.

I Gotta Feeling....

2009-08-31T12:29:00.003-05:00

For the last day of summer before school started Joe, Hope and I decided to take a little road trip and go have some gluten free pizza in Naperville. We settled down in the car and started to listen to the music on the radio, we weren't even out of the community before Hope asked me to hook up my iPod (the kid loves her music.)

I hooked up the iPod chose the 5 or 6 favorite songs that we love to sing along with and sat back to listen. Now let me point out that Joe very rarely listens to music, if his radio is on he's listening to NPR and if he's listening to a CD, it's usually a book (the more Harry Potterlike the better.)

One of Hope's favorite songs is "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas...it queued up and started playing. Hope was humming along in the back seat and I was singing in my head up front when Joe turned and looked at me and said, "are there only four words in this song?"

I was slightly confused since on the dashboard it said "I Gotta Feeling" which seemed to be 3 words to me, but I didn't think right then was the time to point it out or I'm sure I would have received a grammar lesson to go along with my lyric lesson.

So I started to sing along with the song to show him that there were more than four words in the song. The more I started to sing the more I started to smile...this song just makes me happy...and the maveltoz always reminds me of Melisa with one S.

When the song was over Hope asked me to play it again and Joe just looked at me and said "so these guys were just sitting around on a Saturday night getting ready to go out and they wrote a song about it" I replied, "yup."

And he asked, "do people like this stuff?" I smiled and replied, "everyone I know is walking around singing it, blogging about it or Facebooking about it...it must be popular."

Then I added, "don't forget the WHOOO HOOO, that's a big part of the song, too. So that makes 5 whole words in the song." (Six, if you use Joe math...4+2)

He turned and looked at Hope singing along and shook his head, "now you know why I don't listen to the radio..."

God Forbid he should ever hear "Boom Boom Pow."

Yappasaurus

2009-08-28T16:23:00.000-05:00

Joe and Hope have been hanging out a lot this week. They went to the zoo and saw the Dinosaurs Alive (or Live...I'm not sure which.)

Hope had one of her talking non-stop days and Joe was pretty much at the end of his rope by bedtime. He came into the room and said...

"Hope, I know what kind of dinosaur you are, a Yappasaurus" and then he started to laugh.

She looked at him and roared, "shut up" in her best dinosaur voice.

Joe asked her, "is that how a Yappasaurus roars?"

She quickly turned around, waved her bottom in the air and proceeded to let one rip. Then she turned around and said, "no Daddy, that's how a Yappasaurus roars..."

I love it when she hands her Daddy his ass on a platter....

Overheard At the Doctor's Office...

2009-08-27T15:44:00.002-05:00

Him: Are those your new toes?

Me: (after a confused moment) Ah...no? Those are the toes I carry with me all the time....

Him: (with a confused look on his face) I meant it looks like you had a pedicure...is that your new color?

Me: Uh yeah, it's a new color but they're still the same toes....

Could you imagine how much time I would save if I could just change my toes every two weeks....I think he may be onto something...

Now Where Was I? Oh Yeah, Firing My Other Doctor.....

2009-08-24T16:33:00.002-05:00

So when I left off I was just about to have a phone conversation with my rheumatologist. I had seen him a few weeks previously at which time he told me he wanted to run some labs and then he would consider changing my medication.

If Joe wouldn't have been with me at this appointment I would have surely thought I had lost my mind when I talked with my doctor and he told me that he wouldn't change my meds. Now this doctor has misdiagnosed me 3 times and is still under the impression that the compressed nerve in my neck that was corrected with steroid injections (yes, corrected folks...as in only normal RA pain in my elbow when the weather changes...yes, no pain almost all the time....excuse me while I do the happy dance.) was RSD...and no matter how much I explained it to him he would not change his mind.

So, needless to say, I don't tend to trust him overly much. After I had quite the conversation with my rheumy over my new surgeon telling me that my ankles were indeed my RA and him arguing it wasn't, I asked for what I needed in a very constructive way and it was the first time I hung up the phone and didn't have that I. SHOULD. HAVE. SAID. THIS. OR. THAT. feeling.

I went to my surgeon appointment and asked him a whole bunch of questions and he was honest with me saying there was basically nothing he could do to treat me at this point (I appreciate the honesty) because my meds needed to be changed.

That night I went home and drank a large martini. Thankfully, I was busy with dinner and missed my rheumies return call where he practically came out and called me insane and told me that I HAD to bring my husband to my next appointment.

At that point I kind of lost my shit....I held it together but just barely. I was out later that evening and I had such an urge to do something BAD. Thankfully, I just sat through it and reminded myself I had enough chaos and didn't need to add to the craziness.

And then I did something amazingly sane....I quit my rheumatologist. (Well, I had Joe call and ask them for a copy of my file and he mentioned that he was offended). Yes, in less than a month I have walked away from two doctors that have made the last year of my life beyond difficult and I couldn't be more thrilled....because....

I'm changing insurance in October. Again, another healthy move. We will be changing from a HMO to a PPO. Yes folks, I will now have options. If I go to a rheumatologist and they say this pain isn't RA then I can go to an ankle/foot doctor without a referral and see if there is anything they can do to help.

AWESOME....really there aren't enough words to explain how much this excites me...and even better news, my mental health doctors, PCP and new orthopedic surgeon are covered under the new insurance. Damn, if I could jump up and click my heels together I would so be doing it right now.

That said, I have 37 days to wait. Luckily, I have enough meds to keep me steady until I can get to new docs. I'm off all of my pain meds. Yup, you read that right...NO.MORE.PAIN.MEDS. And while I have pain, I'm dealing...quite well actually...

How am I doing it? I have no idea but it's working. I've also started chiropractic care and acupuncture. I've only had one acupuncture session but I' m hopeful...the electrical stimulation seems to be working. I'm back into shoes and while my feet still hurt, it's not nearly as bad as it was.

While I know that doctoring is right around the corner for me, I'm not nearly as frozen with fear as I was, because I know I can do this if I take it slow and trust myself. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm starting to get healthy and making good decisions.

And you know what? IT ROCKS!!

Making Things Harder One Thing At a Time...

2009-08-23T17:04:00.004-05:00

Alright, now get your minds out of the gutter (made you want to come and check this out didn't it?)

While visiting with my shrink lately she has ~~harassed~~ suggested that I write some of my feelings down and has asked that I write a letter to my doctor getting out all of my feelings and emotions...on one page. After that, she wanted me to attach said letter to a balloon, go to a safe place and let go of the balloon (and of the feelings.)

For those of you who know me in real life, you already know this is soooo not my kind of thing. I mean, I'm all about writing things down and getting them out...hence, this blog, my journal and the odd notebook you will find laying around my house. But when you start talking about balloons, restrictions to one page and a safe place, I break out in a cold sweat.

So the other day my shrink ~~pushed~~ brought it up again. So finally I sat down and wrote it. One page felt so good I decided another would feel even better, after 4 pages I thought it was time to stop...

So I went into therapy the next week all proud of myself, "I wrote the letter..." I told my shrink. And she looked at me and said, "did you let it go yet?" At which point I knew I was in trouble. Are you getting the idea my shrink is kind of a bitch? Yeah, me too!

So for the next 10 minutes I listen to "you aren't ready to let go of the relationship" and "you are resisting." When what I wanted to say to her "hey, what color balloons are appropriate for letting go of one's feelings?" Somehow I didn't quite think this would be an appropriate question. So I let it go and tucked the idea in my back pocket and muddled it over for a week or so.

As I got closer to my next appointment I thought that I really need to get this done so I wouldn't get yelled at next time...and this is where my not being totally invested in this project really came through.

I sat down to print the letter and I couldn't get the printer to work. After a half hour I finally printed a copy (had to make sure no typos...what happens if someone read it). I decided at that point I needed coffee and decided to stall and head off to Starbucks. Then I knuckled down to brass tacks and went to the balloon store. Seriously, what color balloon is appropriate...I mean I really didn't want to associate a party balloon with a "I'm sending my feelings away" balloon. I chose black, isn't black always supposed to be appropriate? I purchased 3 balloons, tried to get them to the car (yeah, 30mph wind day) and then took off for a safe place.

I get in the car and attach the 4 page letter to the 3 balloons and then spend the next 20 minutes worrying if the balloons are actually going to float.

I get to the river walk where I plan to release the balloons and then test them to see if they will fly. I can just imagine letting the letter and balloons go and them plopping into the river....and then the fishermen down the way from me saying "lady, I catch your letter and balloons" and me having to start this all over again.

So, I walk down the river with my 3 black balloons...yeah, real inconspicuous...looking for an empty place where I can do this thing on my own. I stand there for a minute feeling like a fool and let go of the ribbon. It nicely floats away into the sky as I'm screaming in my head "FLOAT, DAMN YOU!" No, this wasn't a stressful moment at all...

And then wham, this lady walks up to me with a dog and says, "I just saw you let go of your balloons." Uhm yeah, nothing like having a moment to myself. I said "yeah" and then tried to hold myself together as she let her mini beagle looking dog try to lick my nose. She stayed for a minute (I'm sure thinking she was consoling me) and then said she had to leave.

I turned around watched my balloons get sucked up into the clouds and disappear and on the way back to my car I just had to laugh, I'm sure when my shrink suggested this whole endeavor this couldn't possibly be what she had in mind...

Isn't it amazing when we think we are going to have the most difficult time we walk away laughing...thank goodness, and those three black balloons.

A Bunch of Bananas...

2009-08-19T15:29:00.003-05:00

So I started to go to Group Therapy...now, I haven't been in a group setting in a LONG time and didn't know quite what to expect with my first meeting.

I went in for the evaluation (while I was waiting there was a guy asking for the receptionist's email adress so he could send her naked pictures...uh yeah, we knew why he was in counseling) and after I told the therapist my story she called me resilient...at which point I bust out laughing, not really the word I would use to describe myself.

So, the first day approaches and I'm a little worried about what it's going to be like. I kind of figured that it would be a bunch of bored housewives discussing how difficult their lives were.

Imagine my surprise when one of the first conversations I heard was "I have 8 cokes a day" and then the woman turned to me and said, "you know, sodas, right?" Uhm, I don't think I have ever been included in a conversation where you have to qualify you are talking about soda.

So, I'm looking around and I see a couple people with band aids on their arms...it didn't occur to me until later they were having drug testing that day. Imagine my surprise to find out that most of the women in my group were recovering addicts. Now I'm no stranger to addiction and recovery. My uncle celebrated his 20th year of AA last year. This was a far cry from the bored housewives I had expected (yes, I know you're thinking I'm a snob...so was I!)

So, I watch a woman walk in and she was so put together I wondered why she was there. I mean how can someone who looks so normal have enough issues to need group therapy.

And then it was her turn to talk and she said, "I just had a relapse 12 days ago and I just got out of the hospital, that's why I wasn't here last week." And my jaw nearly hit the floor. I. WAS. HER. WITHOUT. THE. ALCOHOL. While I was sitting there thinking I wasn't nearly as screwed up as all these women I realized their drug of choice was just different than mine...I did abusive relationships and they did substance abuse. Talk about an instant leveling of the playing field.

I looked at this woman and you could just see the anxiety pouring off her and how uncomfortable she felt in her own skin and I wondered if that's what I looked like to people who were around me. And I felt something that I hadn't felt in a long time, I didn't feel alone anymore. There was someone else out there that was making bad decisions like I was, I wasn't the only one that wasn't coping well in my life. And it was like validation...in a weird backwards way...and it worked, and I thought "hey, maybe this will work."

And I gave it a chance, which I guess is the first step to making it work. I attend a DBT Group and I truly believe that every person should have to take a class like this. There are so many people out there that would benefit from it. I always feel out of control, that everything around me is happening because someone else chooses it to be so...what I'm learning is that I have control over myself and how I feel about what happens around me. And I get to decide what I think I can handle, what's ok for me and how I want to live my life.

I can live it in a way that makes me happy and fulfilled or I can live in a way that makes me miserable and keeps me on the path I've been on for the last 3 years. What a breakthrough this was for me...seriously, I could chose to be happy? Why had no one told me this before? And then they told me it was work. In fact, one of the hardest things I would do in my 39 years. How do you change habits and thoughts you have carried and believed all of your life?

How? Very slowly and with a lot of thought and a lot of being good to yourself.

So after my first session I left the building wondering what I really thought about what I had just heard, I wondered if this would work for me and if I wanted to invest this much time and change myself completely.

Who knew in the next 30 minutes that I would get a chance to put every new thing I had learned to the test....

Down We Go...

2009-08-18T12:50:00.008-05:00

I have sat down to write this post about a million times in the past year. The one when I tell you what has been at the forefront of my life for the past year, the one where I tell you how I became so depressed. But how does one write a story that makes them feel taken advantage of, foolish, vulnerable and culpable and then put it out on the net for everyone to read and judge? I've struggled wondering how much information was enough or too much. I've wondered if I would lose my whole 10 readers or if opinions of me would change. In the end, I've heard the voice in my head saying to me for weeks, WRITE. IT. DOWN. I guess today the voice in my head wins.

In order to get to the ending, we need to start at the beginning....

I do abusive relationships, I grew up in a household where there was child abuse, I married a verbally and physically abusive man (the first time), I dated a man who raped me and I continued to see a doctor who was verbally and physically inappropriate with me.

See a pattern here? I'm submissive to aggressive men. I have just recently put the pattern together, I find it difficult to believe I didn't see it sooner. Oddly, Joe is none of the above. He is kindhearted, caring and never abusive...though not perfect in any fashion (he does snore, sheesh.)

You all will remember when I first started seeing the surgeon for my elbow. What started as an innocent flirtation quickly became something odd and uncomfortable. I continued to see the surgeon because I thought I had no other options (thank you, HMO) he had already done the surgery, I had another surgeon (a second opinion) who had already turned me down saying, "he didn't want to touch anyone else's garbage."

So, my surgeon says my issue is my RA and my rheumatologist says its not. Insert a lot of fighting back and forth, a lot of putting Melissa in the middle, extreme pain, touching and inappropriate conversation from my surgeon and my rheumatologist acting like I was certifiably insane and I hit the skids hard.

I was trapped, I was uneducated, things got worse until finally I knew something had to give. After surgery, 5 cortisone injections and a billion appointments between the two doctors I finally asked for a referral to a doctor at Loyola.

Unfortunately, my surgeon sent me away that day with a wonderful parting gift that will stay with me for awhile. Ironically, my rheumatologist sent me to Loyola for a second opinion also(I still believe this was passive/aggressive punishment.)

Now imagine my excitement, that is until my MRI came back fine and my Loyola referral sent me to a doctor who told me I was hormonal and told me to get more sleep.

Pretty much at that point, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and got back into life, albeit with a lot of pain. I went to counseling because I must be nuts since two rheumatologists said I was hormonal. I changed meds, I went to therapy, I got better....well, at least until I went looking for trouble...because that's what I do.

Here's where we usher in my foot pain. I'm told I need an injection...where do I go? Uhm yeah, my inappropriate surgeon, because I'm so much better I can handle it. I knew after the first appointment that I was in trouble...AND. I. STAYED. I could have never guessed just how aggressive these appointments would get in such a short time (one month exactly).

At the end, when all was said and done and I finally decided to leave I was an emotional wreck, I had a new cast on my left leg and I was looking for another surgeon (you know, because I didn't have a hacksaw to get the cast off).

Now lest you should think I have no responsibility or I'm the victim here, I am not...I have three things I am responsible for.

1. I went looking for trouble.
2. I found it AND. I. STAYED.
3. I made a huge mess when I finally left.

BUT. I. LEFT. And while it might not seem like any big shakes, it is. I knew if I stayed in this situation any longer I would pay for it with my sanity and possibly my life and that was a huge realization for me. IT. MATTERED. THAT. MUCH.

After a few weeks and a lot of therapy (a new diagnosis of PTSD, because I have a lot in common with the men and women that fight to defend our country...NOT!) and even more med changes (and a rash thrown in there for good luck) I reported my surgeon.

And I felt guilty, I felt as if I was trying to get revenge on my surgeon for hurting me. And I worked hard to let that thought go...and today is the day that it hit me....it wasn't revenge, I. JUST. STOOD. UP. FOR. MYSELF. Plain and simple!

As a doctor there is a way to touch or examine a patient that is ethical, that is professional, that is expected. As a doctor there is a way to comfort a patient in a way that is ethical, professional and expected. If you feel that your doctor is not touching you in one of the above ways, leave.

One of the things that I was most concerned about was telling my PCP that something unprofessional was happening. I mean how do you have that conversation? "Uhm, a yeah, my doctor is saying and doing weird stuff to me..." or "my relationship with my doctor is inappropriate." I used the second. It felt to me almost as if I had said that "uhm, hey yeah, I'm sleeping with my doctor." Which is so far from the truth...but how do you say that? Uhm yeah, my relationship with my doctor is inappropriate and by the way, I'm not sleeping with him." Yeah, you can understand why I would think twice about dropping that bomb.

So not only was I feeling weird about my surgeon, I was now concerned my PCP was going to think I was a wackjob, too. (By this point are you screaming at me and banging your head on a wall because I didn't leave sooner...uhm yeah, me too) Thankfully, when I did call things went very smoothly, at no time did I feel as if they were doubting me, they asked me if I would like them to report him and they were extremely helpful in finding me a new surgeon (to bad they couldn't do this sooner.)

Now you may wonder why I tell you this story. I thought I was a pretty intelligent person, I have doctored most of my life with RA and I used to feel pretty confident that I could represent myself with any doctor. And yet, here I am...if you had ever told me this would happen to me I would have laughed...and yet, here I am. Please, don't let this happen to you (I know, you're all thinking you are to smart for that...I thought that once, too.) Learn from my experience. I 100% know this doctor is going to do this again to some unexpecting, vulnerable woman who isn't 100% on her game and it makes me sick. But the best thing I can do is tell my story, hope people hear it and learn from it.

In the meantime, the best thing I can do is forgive myself for staying in a bad situation, protect myself and begin to heal.

I Dream of Jeannie...

2009-08-17T10:33:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had one of those dreams when you were dreaming so hard you woke up and you really thought you were there.

This morning I was dreaming, and hard. In my dream I was with my family and all the family drama that goes along with that. We were eating Italian food and I guess I was eating a piece of salami.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up chewing on my bite plate wondering exactly why it didn't taste like salami. Uh yeah, I was seriously chewing on my bite plate....why can't I ever just have sex dreams....