Jokes for Real

Modern Technology

2012-06-26T11:48:00.001-07:00

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

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I worked with an individual who plugged the power strip back into itself and for his life couldn't figure why the computer would not turn on.

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1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"

2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

Maid Talk

2012-05-22T12:59:00.000-07:00

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

The Lawyer and the Car Accident

2012-04-24T08:01:00.001-07:00

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side of the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!"

2012-04-11T06:39:00.001-07:00

The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.

"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.

"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.

"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"

We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice,

"I hope it is all right."

"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"

"Sure. This is my father!"

Marriage and Men

2012-04-10T10:08:00.001-07:00

- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.

- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home

- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face

- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.

- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.

- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.

- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.

- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.

- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.

- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

and lastly...

- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!

Witchy Humor

2012-03-10T10:11:00.001-08:00

Why do witches only ride their brooms after dark?
That's the time to go to sweep!

What happened when the wizard met the witch?
It was love at first fright!

When is it unlucky to see a black cat?
When your a mouse!

How do you keep a wizard in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow...!

Caught Stealing

2012-03-06T06:42:00.001-08:00

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

Money

2012-02-16T08:40:00.001-08:00

It can buy you a House,
But not a Home.

It can buy you a Bed,
But not Sleep.

It can buy you a Clock,
But not Time.

It can buy you a Book,
But not Knowledge.

It can buy you a Position,
But not Respect.

It can buy you Medicine,
But not Health.

It can buy you Blood,
But not Life.

It can buy you Sex,
But not Love.

So you see, money isn't everything. The best things in life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying!

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your needless pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

A truer Friend than me you will never find.

CASH ONLY, PLEASE

Not the happiest birthday

2011-11-26T06:30:00.001-08:00

40th Birthday Jokes

Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning.
I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy
Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good
Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for
you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't
say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I
walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy
Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon,
then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day
outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said,
"By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the
country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know it is such a
beautiful day; we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I
guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think
I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I
excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came
out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of
our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday…….and there I sat on the
couch…….naked.

Choir Positions Open

2011-11-16T09:34:00.001-08:00

Found in an actual church bulletin

Positions open in soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others need apply.

PHYSICAL QUALIFICATIONS: Must be able to carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have sufficient vision to see the director.

EXPERIENCE: No applications will be accepted from persons who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the bathtub or shower at some time.

BEGINNING WAGE: Increased satisfaction and joy in the service of God.

FRINGE BENEFITS: Social Security. We promise you the security of social fellowship with other choir members.

HOURS: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday mornings. There is occasional opportunity for overtime.

RETIREMENT: Generally determined by the printed notes getting too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the sanctuary too hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play the notes you sing. We are an equal opportunity employer!

Man On His Deathbed

2011-09-09T12:43:00.001-07:00

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

Getting Into Fights

2011-09-06T09:01:00.000-07:00

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

Technical Issues with License

2011-09-03T12:26:00.001-07:00

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa.

They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.

Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."

Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."

Amazing Longevity

2011-08-25T11:54:00.001-07:00

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'"

"Twenty-six!" he said.

Marriage Problems

2011-08-24T11:34:00.001-07:00

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

Leaving Work Early

2011-08-16T12:44:00.001-07:00

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband "playing pattycake" with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

Magic of the Internet

2011-08-14T04:46:00.001-07:00

My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access Google, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom.

"Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"

Barber and Kid

2011-08-14T04:40:00.001-07:00

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Heart Surgeon

2011-08-13T12:52:00.001-07:00

Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running

How Many Wives?

2011-08-10T08:38:00.001-07:00

A little boy was attending his first wedding with the family..

After the service, a cousin wondered aloud, "I wonder how many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," volunteered Jenni's boy.

The cousin was amazed that the boy had figured it out so quickly and asked, "How do you know that for sure?"

"Easy," Jenni's boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, didn't you hear the preacher say:

'Four for better, four for worse, four richer, and four poorer,' and that makes sixteen "

Tough Exam

2011-08-06T09:35:00.001-07:00

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Dementia Test

2011-07-21T08:48:00.001-07:00

Here are four questions along with a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, just answer off the top of your head.

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: First? Wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you're wrong again. It's impossible to overtake the last person.

Third Question:

This must be done in your head only. Don't use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer.

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu? Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

Bonus Question (this one is really easy):

Again, without using a calculator or pencil and paper -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?

What do you mean, "How could I possibly know that?" For crying out loud, on't you remember? It was YOU!

On the bright side, you don't have to feel so bad when you forget to pick up eggs on the way home from work.

Do You Know Your Judgment Day?

2011-07-20T13:03:00.001-07:00

Do You Know Your Judgment Day?

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too."

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

Shocked

2011-06-30T11:00:00.001-07:00

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Don't Forget The Mirror

2011-06-23T10:46:00.001-07:00

A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!