Inside the Hotdog Factory

Mendacity Unchained!

2012-01-06T16:46:00.008-05:00

An audacious master (alleged) criminal seems to have scored a spectacular checkmate against the Canadian Criminal Justice system.

Jamal Hazime, former owner of Big 3 Pre-Owned Auto Sales and 5 Diamond Motors was brought up on multiple fraud charges in October 2011, accused of defrauding customers by sticking them with higher car prices, finance rates and loan terms than agreed to and forging signatures on contracts.

But in an unforeseen move of strategic brilliance, Hazime asked the court for permission to return to his home country of Lebanon where his mother was said to be gravely ill. Under such extreme and extenuating circumstances, Superior Court Justice Richard Gates ascented to Hazime taking the trip provided he return to Windsor by November 3.

Incredibly, and in a turn that has set the Canadian Justice system on its ear, November 3rd came and went with no sign of Hazime returning to Canada.

"It staggers the imagination that a person brought into court on fraud charges might actually lie to the presiding justice," says Tink Husbandblood, a judicial assistant. "It's unprecedented and was wholly and entirely unforeseen that the defendant's request came from anything other than an honest desire to visit his ailing mother. Personally, I don't know where this leaves the Canadian Justice system if defendants can merely go before the court and fib."

Criminologist Meredith Hundorthia concurs. "I suspect some people who are not versed in criminal court proceedings in Canada will look at Justice Gates and wonder how he could be so easily duped. But what your average Canadian citizen doesn't realize is that lying to a justice is unprecedented. We've got stats going back fifty years and until this case, we've never seen a defendant lie in court. Hopefully that will put things in perspective."

It may for some, but not for all.

Gus Smokeberg, crime beat reporter retired from the Rankinford Pillager, seemed to speak for ordinary citizens who don't have any immediate connection to Canadian courts: "It's . . ." he said, spittle flying, his face reddening. "It's just beyond all comprehension that a Canadian justice could be so . . . so . . . so fucking gawdamned cunting stupid to give a defendant like this permission to leave the country! It's . . ." At this time, Mr. Smokeberg's eyes rolled back in his head and he passed out, falling to the floor, and required medical attention.

Emotions run high in cases such as this, where dozens of innocent citizens have been (allegedly) grossly defrauded by a defendant who appears to have escaped justice.

"It's probably just as well Hazime fled," said a lawyer who asked not to be identified. "It's not like he would have received much of a sentence. If found guilty, he'd be asked to pay back a small portion of the money he stole. At worst, he'd serve a short stint of house arrest."

So, there it is -- another giant shrug from the Canadian Justice system.

Is Stephen Harper going to sell Jasper National Park?

2012-01-06T12:45:00.010-05:00

Internet headline: Take Actions! Jasper is our national park not a theme park!.

Whenever I read balderdash in the news, I know where to go to get the unvarnished truth: my MP, [Mr. All-Canadian Hero for Democracy and Conservatism]:

I'm writing to ask you to please debunk this obviously false rumor circulating that the Harper Government seeks to privatize Canadian national parks.

In particular, please verify for me that Jasper National Park isn't going to be sold to American-owned Brewster Travel Canada.

No Canadian would ever consent to such a deal -- no Canadian worth anything would even consider doing such a thing! And since Stephen Harper is, indeed, Canadian, I'm positive he'd never even conceive of committing such a wretched scam against our beloved country.

The obviously bogus article cited above does have some pretty specific details, though: "Brewster Travel Canada, owned by a US-based company, wants to blast out the side of the cliff beside the Icefields Parkway to build the “Glacier Discovery Walk” – a massive infrastructure “skywalk”, and charge people who wish to admire the view."

Sure, that's what Brewster Travel Canada would like to do, but surely Stephen Harper would block such a thing -- with his own body, if need be!

Yet, there are some really specific details in this article: "December 16th, 2011 is the last day for public comment on the Environmental Assessment for Brewster's proposed Glacier Discovery Walk in Jasper National Park— a 400-metre walkway and massive glass-floored 'skywalk' extending 30 meters over the Sunwapta Valley.

"The stunning Tangle Ridge viewpoint on the Icefields Parkway would be privatized and visitors would have to pay fees ranging from $15 to $30 per person to access Brewster’s Glacier Discovery Walk. The remaining free public viewpoint would look onto the massive glass and metal structure, marring the natural canyon landscape — where today, mountain goats and sheep roam freely."

But again, no Canadian would ever consider such a disgusting deal, altering and blighting some of the world's most beautiful scenery, scarring and maiming a Canadian national treasure.

If anything, Stephen Harper would doubtless lash out against such a deal, against anyone who would propose such a devastating and disgusting venture.

I'm writing asking for details of how Stephen Harper plans to block this deal -- if it does indeed exist -- and how he plans to protect Canada's national treasures from other such molestation, exploitation and blasphemication.

Because, if I know anything about the Conservative Party of Canada, it's that they are all about Canada! Keeping Canada Canada. Battling encroachment and erosion of our national identity, our national territory, our national treasures.

So that I can spread the word about how the Harper Government is ensuring nothing of this kind could ever happen, please send me all pertinent details.

I understand that some people don't like Stephen Harper, and that's they're right. But I draw the line when Harper critics dream up scurrilous lies and defamatory scenarios painting our Prime Minister as someone who would even consider selling a Canadian national park to a private interest so that private interest could alter and monetize it.

It makes me sick even thinking about it, as I'm sure it sickens you, too.

Help me bring the haters to heel. Please provide me with the real facts on this matter.

Update

I have no doubt The Edmonton Journal is lying with this article: Jasper residents voice concerns about glacier walk project.

Canada could pay into IMF Europe fund, Flaherty says

2011-12-23T14:43:00.005-05:00

From CBC.ca:

Finance Minister Jim Flaherty says Ottawa would be open to paying into a bailout fund for Europe administered by the International Monetary Fund — as long as it was supported by the other G20 countries.

"There's some sense around the world that if at the end of the day we have to provide some help somehow, that we would not turn a blind eye to it because of the world consequences of the collapse of the eurozone," Flaherty said Thursday on CBC-TV's Power & Politics with Evan Solomon.

To my Member of Parliament:

Boy, are the fiscal conservatives of the Harper Government generous! Defunding programs for Canadians, seeking to privatize everything from prisons to water, and yet the Conservative Party of Canada is willing to pay into a fund to bailout Europe!

It's a Christmas miracle!

After all -- I can just hear the Conservative Braintrust argue -- we do live in a global economy.

Indeed, we do.

The Conservatives under the steady hand and steely gaze of Brian Mulroney signed NAFTA in the '90s, which sent jobs flying out of Canada like Black Friday waffle irons out of Wal-Mart.

Indeed, we do live in a global economy -- where nearly every product I buy in the course of living my life has been made in China. Where telephone customer service support has been outsourced en masse to India. Where even American companies run Canadian casinos.

We live in a true Kumbayah, global-village!

The oligarchs at the top of the world economy are in need of bailouts because the capitalist system hasn't taken kindly to their gaming and robbing the world markets. Such a terrible thing when one's cheating gets in the way of one's livelihood. Thank goodness there are good-hearted people like the Harper Government who'll pour Canadian tax dollars into foreign institutions that have been fleeced, robbed, mismanaged and essentially been treated as the expense accounts by the world elite.

Surely Canada must pay into the bailout fund -- there are lifestyles to be maintained! What would become of the casinos in Monaco if the Canadian tax payer didn't come through for the world's plutocracy?

The Canadian people got what they asked for when they gave the Harper Government a majority government. We wanted conservatism and we got conservatism -- conservatism meaning "all resources being mobilized to facilitate the lives and businesses of the ultra wealthy, to the detriment of everyone else with a networth of less than $5 million". That's what we wanted, apparently -- not me, or a majority of Canadians, actually -- and that's what we've got in the form of the Harper Government.

Such generosity! Take Jack Layton down as the patron saint of Canada. Place the laurel wreath and angel wings upon Finance Minister Jim Flaherty.

The Harper Government should immediately take over the Salvation Army, United Way, the Red Cross -- practically any and all charities that successfully raise funds -- and direct those much needed dollars to the bailout of Europe.

Otherwise, what catastrophe might ensue?

If the oligarchs aren't bailed out, they might learn that their corruption has a price and actions have consequences, and playing recklessly with world economies cannot be allowed to continue.

What a tragedy -- a Christmas tragedy, at that -- if the world's financial elite had to learn such a cruel and harsh (and conservative) lesson, particularly at this time of the year.

Let's hope the Harper Government does the right thing.

Conservative Party of Canada has one of many problems -- it hates Canadian sovereignty

2011-12-10T09:35:00.004-05:00

To my MP:

From The Star: "OTTAWA—Armed U.S. police officers will for the first time be allowed to operate in Canada along with the RCMP as part of far-reaching changes in Canadian-American border operations to be unveiled next week by Prime Minister Stephen Harper and President Barack Obama."

I'll never understand the Conservatives' hatred of Canadian sovereignty. I just don't get it. You fight and claw and lie ("The long form census form invades Canadians' privacy," cry the Conservatives, yet you want to spy on Canadians on the Internet -- hypocrites!) and pander your way into power only to fritter away the legitimacy of the very country you now lead. Even pirates know enough to tend the boats they commandeer.

And please -- please! -- don't give me any of this baloney about "terrorism" because any reasonably informed citizen knows that American foreign policy and all its underhanded, duplicitous and corrupt machinations is responsible for most of the current hatred of the US around the world. When you have unmanned American drones killing droves of innocent citizens and ally soldiers in far flung countries, that tends to sour people. When you have invasions of sovereign nations -- Iraq, for instance -- against the will of the UN, against all evidence that the country is a threat to the US, that hurts American credibility and reveals America's true, imperialist ambitions.

How long before unmanned drones are flying over Canadian soil? Really.

If we want a safer world, we need America to disengage from its wars of imperialism, bring all its troops home and work on its own domestic problems. Jeez, I miss the halcyon days of the basic "ugly American" who was merely rude and arrogant. This new "ugly America" that murders indiscriminately is an unacceptable strategic partner. I know, we're stuck with them as neighbors, and it's best to work with them, but to allow American law enforcement this unacceptable encroachment on Canadian sovereignty is a blasphemy to our country.

If the Conservatives are so damned sincere about their "law and order" stance, why haven't you had Dick Cheney or George W. Bush arrested upon entry to our country? Each them meets the criteria of "war criminal"; each has admitted to war crimes in their respective memoirs. We've departed numerous other war criminals from Canada since the summertime; a move I applaud. No, the Conservatives are all bluster on the "law and order" front, restricting yourselves to hunting down pot smoking slackers. Yeah, that'll keep Canada safe.

The Conservatives are selling out my country, piecemeal. Allowing this encroachment by American law enforcement weakens our sovereignty and insults every Canadian.

The long, dark con

2011-11-15T15:01:00.006-05:00

After seeing the above picture posted on Reddit.com, I wrote to the good people at http://www.answersingenesis.org who erected the billboard:

It's a historical fact that more people have been murdered in the name of Christianity than any other religion in the history of mankind.

If a person needs the fear of hell to keep them from murdering, stealing or otherwise breaking the law, then that person is deficient and flawed on a most fundamental level. The rest of rational society doesn't commit murder or thievery, or other crimes, because we simply know that it's wrong to do so.

The Christian bible is filled with genocide, rape, murder, adultery, bestiality, insanity and megalomania. It's the last text I would use to guide my life.

Even Christians, today, can't manage it, what with their seamless hatred of the poor, their "holier than thou" attitude toward pornography, hatred of gays, minorities, and their ubiquitous prejudice against anyone who is not of their denomination. That, I think, is the crowning turd of Christianity -- the unending infighting among its various sects. All proclaim to love Jesus Christ and serve God, and yet resent, hate and cluck their tongues at anyone who is not of their particular sliver of faith. How Catholics glower at Protestants, and how each Protestant cult sneers at the other. All the while, carrying out heinous acts in the name of Jesus -- whether it's killing abortion doctors, picketing soldiers' funerals, or sending the country's troops into foreign countries on "crusades" in the name of oil.

Or, better yet, those execrable televangelists: a shower of pimps, making money off the crucifixion of Jesus Christ like a Times Square hustler and his hookers.

And now Christians are placing billboards around the country attacking atheists who don't believe in fictional, invisible deities who speak to people in self-contradicting books.

Atheists are to be feared?

Tell that the people of Afghanistan. Tell that to the 1.4 million-plus people dead in Iraq. Tell that to the peasants of Honduras, who've been murdered in droves by monsters schooled by the good Christians at the School for the Americas.

I'll tell you, people don't call Christianity "the long, dark con" for nothing. To paraphrase the late comedian, George Carlin: Christians believe in an invisible man in the sky who sees and hears everything, but gives no indication of his presence, who watches and judges us, and if we displease him, he'll damn us to hell to suffer for eternity . . . but he loves us.

What utter, unmitigated, unadulterated bullshit.

Harper Government to spend $60 billion on new fighter jets for Canada

2011-11-09T19:01:00.003-05:00

To a Member of Parliament who tends to respond to all communiques with a combination of Hallmark Cards and the Ministry of Truth:

Quick word game. Which word doesn't belong in the list:

Canada
Responsibility
Sound Research
Jet Fighters

I know you squiggled your mouse arrow over "Responsibility", but the correct answer is "Jet Fighters."

I understand the Harper Government Brain Trust seeks to spend $60 billion on jet fighters for Canada, while cutting $200 million from funding for research and monitoring of the environment. I'll bet those Tar Sands people sure find those environmental studies tiresome, and I'll bet those Tar Sands people are very generous contributors to anyone who can make tiresome obstacles in their path to the bank go away.

Now, I understand that the current fleet of Canadian fighter jets have seen a lot of action over the decades, what with the attempted Libyan invasion of 1972, the Lichenstein air power grab of 1974 over Labrador, Russia's famous and brazen sneak attack of 1977. And who could forget Cuba's numerous attempts to attack Canada by air: in 1981, '83, '87, '92, '93, '94, '97 and '99. Of course, this is not to forget the 1967 attempt by Greenland to overtake Canada with its fleet of walrus skin zeppelins, thinking we'd be too busy making merry over our Centennial to notice. Oh, but we noticed. And handed their Greenlandic asses to them -- via our superiority in the air, of course.

All these acts of aggression are ingrained in the Canadian psyche. Aside from worrying just how badly the Maple Leafs will do in a given year, Canadians are obsessed and terrified to think from where the next act of air aggression will come.

Thank goodness we've got the Harper Government -- always thinking, always working the angles -- to rescue Canadians from their anxiety, having the heart and fortitude to spend $60 billion of our tax dollars on a gleaming new fleet of fighter jets. Not even President-elect Michelle Bachmann would dream of attacking Canada knowing those lethal gems sit at the ready on our soil.

Thing is, I may have my history a little wrong. I might have remembered one or two too many attempted invasions from the past. I did forget to mention the FLA Crisis of 1970 and vital role Canadian fighter jets played in suppression that attempted coup d'etat.

I might have my history a little wrong, but I've got my present sufficiently sorted out to know that the Harper Government is subverting nearly every Canadian virtue in its relentless campaign to make Canada "America North." Whether it's bringing a Prison Industrial Complex to Canada and forcing these ridiculous, proven-to-be-ineffective mandatory minimums to courtrooms around the country, to handing over border security to the Americans (US Attorney General Eric Holder was recently lavish in his thanks for that), to the splintering and hobbling StatsCan and now defunding our research and monitoring of the environment.

(Right -- you insult and slap-down StatsCan saying its long form census questionnaire invades Canadians' privacy, and yet in your Bill C51, you want to monitor Canadians' every move on the Internet. Conservatives thy name is Hypocrite!)

What I don't understand is if Conservatives hate Canada so much, why in the world do you remain. There are tons of little breakaway republics around the world; little theocracies still living in the 12th century, where I thnk you'd be very happy.

The only consolation to the abomination of your governing is that you're quickly reminding Canadians why voting Conservative is just not an option; why your flavor of conservatism should go the way of Brian Mulroney's PC party.

Harsh words in court have legal experts pondering how accused survived

2011-11-09T16:34:00.009-05:00

Canadian legal experts and court-watchers are in a state of shock and nauseated disbelief after a Windsor judge unleashed a seismic tongue-lashing on Ahmed Ahmed -- not to be confused with the other Ahmed Ahmed -- an offender who'd been caught by police with 3.9 grams of crack inside anus.

First, Judge Rawlins sentenced Ahmed to a staggering 30 days house arrest.

Next, Judge Rawlins compounded that devastating sentence with two years (24 months!) probation.

If this judicial one-two punch didn't already have Ahmed reeling, surely Judge Rawlins' coup de grace all but psychologically destroyed him:

The judge decreed that Ahmed is banned from entering Essex county for the duration of his probation.

Women fainted. Infants had to be rushed from the courtroom. Crown and defense attorneys brought their hands to their mouths as though ready to be sick. The bailiff -- suddenly pale and unsteady on his feet -- had to be escorted from the courtroom by his understudy.

This statement had other members of the court gallery reflexively reaching for the portable defibrillation device mounted on the wall. Others instinctively broke the glass on the wall mounts housing a fire hose and emergency axe. Anything to defend the defendant from this verbal onslaught, such a tide of venomous rhetoric that it was!

But Judge Rawlins was not finished with the spiritually diminished, quivering shell of a drug mule. She tersely added:

"What I want you to do is keep your drugs in Toronto. . . Detroit makes Toronto look like Toronto the Good . . . We don’t need to import people from other jurisdictions to bring drugs to Windsor. We have plenty coming across the border. Drugs, guns, we have it up to here."

"It was . . . too much," said Samuel Grimfall, a court blogger and advocate for criminals' rights. "Who could endure such a verbal assault? I believe Mr. Ahmed has a very clear-cut case for the Ontario Human Rights Tribunal. I'll testify as his first witness."

"I think Judge Rawlins should be arrested and charged with crimes against humanity," said a visibly shaken Sheila Goodnightbridge, former Liberal MP candidate. "She should be hauled off to the Hague and given a tongue-lashing of her own! See how she likes it!"

Still other court-watchers wondered how Ahmed physically endured such a verbal barrage.

Canadian judges, known far and wide for holding the very fabric of civilization together with their supple, pink hands -- so great is their power -- have a reputation for verbal ruthlessness when it comes to reprimanding drug dealers, rapists, murders and child abusers. Words like "disappointed" "riff raff" and "unconscionable" are used with startling frequency.

The question is: how does a mere mortal -- a human being not averse to tucking 3.9 grams of crack cocaine up his second major orifice -- survive a verbal vivisection from one of Canada's judicial titans?

That question will be debated for decades to come.

The only consolation in this monstrous display of power came from Ahmed's defense attorney, Neil Rooke, who said of his client's acceptance of this stiff sentence: "He was content with that. [The ban from Essex County for 24 months] was not an issue for him."

Well, thank Gawd for that! The drug mule arrested with 3.9 grams of crack cocaine in his anus was content with the conditions of his sentence.

Could you imagine if a convicted drug offender wasn't content with the conditions of his sentence?

Could you imagine what message that would send to the criminal community?

Southwestern Ontario might earn a bad reputation among the province's underworld.

But crisis was averted -- Ahmed was content. That's all that matters.

Unfortunately, Judge Rawlins remains on the bench, ready to perform another verbal courtroom autopsy on another unsuspecting suspect.

Technology helps broadcaster "take it to the next level"

2011-10-27T08:48:00.004-04:00

If you've ever listened to National Public Radio's show All Things Considered, you've heard the flutey, glassine voice of presenter, Michele Norris.

And if you've heard the voice of presenter, Michele Norris, you know that nobody loves the voice of Michele Norris more than Michele Norris.

She speaks like she's playing an oboe in her larynx; an oboe made of flesh; an oboe that would make you want to turn away if you ever saw such a one.

Well, Michele Norris announced yesterday that she's "taking a break" from All Things Considered.

She cited her husband taking a high-powered job with the White House as the reason, but Inside the Hotdog Factory has the inside scoop:

Technology has now made it possible for Michele Norris to actually make love to her voice, so she's going on hiatus to do just that.

First, she plans a whirlwind shopping trip to New York with her voice. Then she'll be off on a romantic getaway to the Caribbean with her voice, where she will woo it by candlelight and wow it by daylight upon the beach. Then Norris plans an extended tour of Europe and then India with her voice, no doubt indulging in some Old World VVO (voice-to-vagina orgies) along the way.

It has not been revealed just what physical form Norris' voice has taken at the behest of this new technology, beyond what we can guess: a crude, phallus-like object.

Michele Norris has refused numerous requests to speak on the matter, leaving us to ponder what romantic flights and flourishes she and her voice will engage in now that she's leaving All Things Considered.

You will know them by the bankers they defend

2011-10-26T14:44:00.007-04:00

The American plutocracy/oligarchy has no shortage of brave defenders. Not the least of which is Marybeth Hicks who gives a conservative-eye view on the Occupy Wall Street protests.

The team at Inside the Hotdog Factory felt a response was in order:

Dear Marybeth:

It takes such moral courage to defend the bullies, oligarchs and the Wall Street bosses who tanked our economy and walked away with multi-million dollar bonuses so they didn't experience any interruption in their lifestyles.

Good for you! And glad you're so well up to the job!

I guess such myopia explains why you go after only the easiest, most glaring targets of the Occupy Wall Street protesters.

For the purposes of this note, I'll give you all the piercings, tattoos and dreadlocks. Have it your way -- they're not American citizens because of how they dress and wear their hair.

Now, about the rest of the protesters.

They are protesting a system that is skewed, rigged and corrupt, which rewards greed over hard work, which pampers and caters to only the wealthy at the very tangible expense of the vast majority of the population.

I know, I know, it's what Ronald Reagan wanted for America, but it's an embarrassing, unjust, unworkable system.

There are millions of people who have jobs, pay their bills and hold to your high standards of hygiene and personal appearance, who have lost their retirement funds, have lost their homes to illegal "robo signing" of big banks, whose wages have stagnated, for whose children that enviable college education has become more and more out of reach (what with heroes like Eric Cantor quashing Pell grants and schools' tuition rising like the country's blood pressure).

There are millions of people, as well, who hold to your high standards of hygiene and personal appearance who have lost their jobs. You see, when you have an economy that's based on consumption and then systematically send once decent-paying jobs overseas, it's creates a problem.

I know, I know, that's the conservative way! Have an economy based upon consumer spending and then send the jobs to Korea and China and India. Pray your way through it! I get it.

One problem: that doesn't work.

You write that "Only 4 percent of college graduates are out of work." Right. They're working at the Gap, McDonald's, driving taxis, pouring coffee at Dunkin Donuts, working part-time.

I know, I know! That's what conservatives want for America -- a society where few (if any) jobs meet the educational level of workers. America's made its stance on education and the importance of education in American life abundantly clear. It shows in the test scores. It shows in America's ranking in the world on educational indices.

The Dick Cheneys of the world love this economy. Where else would you have PhDs waiting tables? Where else would you have people offering to work for free? Conservatives love that idea! Rush Limbaugh will be glad to tell you how wonderful slavery was for the United States. And it's not dead. In Indiana, for instance, there are waitresses who work for free, subsisting only on the tips they receive. Now that's a conservative economic model for the country!

With no Russia to compete with, showing off that America has the better standard of living, conservatives are happy to let the standard of living slide right off the table.

Because, you're right, America is just a Club Med for the wealthy and everyone else can just dry up and stop complaining.

Bravo Marybeth! You're among notable company: among those who defend the rich against the poor; defend the powerful against the powerless; who defends the haves against the troublesome have-nots.

Hopefully there's a PNAC lapel pin on the way to you in the mail for you efforts.

One last thing: I hope you're not a Christian. You'd be horrified to see who Christians worship -- a long-haired, sandal-wearing socialist who heals people at no charge, who gives away food, someone who forgives sins (!!!), someone who doesn't judge. He's a guy who once said about paying taxes: "Give unto Caesar what is due Caesar." (Rick Perry should challenge this douche to a duel!) And Jesus once told a business man "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." (I can just see the heroes of Wall Street rolling up their sleeves and lining up to give this Communist the ass-kicking he deserves!)

Is that Jesus Christ creep trouble, or is he trouble?

And Jesus' hygiene? Other than his baptism, I don't think it mentions any other time in the New Testament that he bathed. Clearly someone who belonged in jail... Oh wait, he was arrested. Ah, and thumbing ahead to the end of the story, good news! He was executed! Conservatives rejoice! Jesus Christ was executed. Another messy, troublesome hippie put down.

IndyCar CEO made changes to rules to increase "carnage and wrecks"

2011-10-18T14:00:00.006-04:00

Sure, he's backpedaling now. They always do.

The 3rd Quarter Dick Cheney Award for Corporate Malevolence goes to Randy Bernard, CEO of Indy Car -- which suffered a catastrophic crash this weekend, causing the death of driver Dan Wheldon.

In June of this year, Mr. Bernard was quoted in an interview as saying that his "change to restarts would mean more 'carnage and wrecks,' adding that 'danger will be an important element of the sport.'"

Well, Mr. Bernard, you've now got your carnage.

Of course, Mr. Bernard is the picture of contrition today.

On Monday, when confronted with this heartless quote from June, he replied "I'm sorry if my comments are interpreted this way . . . Danger has been an inherent part of the sport since 1909. I don't know if what I said was taken out of context or I misspoke, but if you know me, you know where my loyalties lie, and I'm very respectful to the drivers and the sport."

Right.

If that quote does not display Mr. Bernard at his most heartless, his follow up remarks on Monday about it proves him to be utterly without conscience: "I'm sorry if my comments are interpreted this way."

Interpreted this way?

Interpreted?

That remark was pretty black-and-white. Pretty unambiguous.

I'm sure Mr. Bernard's minions must bear with his moral and intellectual relativism, but the general public does not.

I, for one, did not interpret Mr. Bernard's promise that there would be more carnage and wrecks in this Indy Car season. I read those remarks as he said them. In English. Unexpurgated. With no lawyer or public relations spin doctor at my side.

Mr. Bernard continued in his Monday contrition: "Danger has been an inherent part of the sport since 1909."

Yeah, danger has been an inherent part of the sport.

My charge and contention is that Mr. Bernard heightened that danger; accentuated that danger by packing more cars into each competition and having racers using side-by-side restarts.

Like the owners of the Deep Water Horizon oil platform or the Upper Big Branch mine in West Virginia, Mr. Bernard is yet another dreary, greedy CEO who is completely willing to put the lives of his underlings at risk to produce more profits.

There is no misinterpretation.

Profits.

Manifest Density

2011-10-18T11:30:00.012-04:00

You can't pass off a plutocracy as a democracy.

You can't trumpet the virtues of freedom and democracy abroad and vilify protesters at home.

You can't call yourself just while embracing injustice.

And you can't brag about having a free society when you don't.

You just can't.

* * *

After losing his job, 34 year old Mervin Mayfair moved back to his hometown and lived in a room above his parents' garage.

While away, he had heard through friends that the city and his old neighborhood had deteriorated over the years. Things were tough all over and Mervin remembered watching the city and neighborhood go through changes as he grew up.

One afternoon, he went to Anderson's Corner Store to buy a newspaper. Mervin wanted to look at the Want ads and get back to earning some money.

When he entered Anderson's Corner Store, he wondered if he'd walked into the wrong place. Gone were the coolers once filled with energy drinks. Gone were the racks of chips and snacks and chocolate bars and magazines and hamburger and hotdog buns. Gone were the cigarettes and lottery tickets and the canister of beef jerky on the counter.

Instead, there were a couple of sofas, love seats and armchairs, each occupied by women in their early twenties, all wearing halter tops and short-shorts.

A man with a pencil mustachio approached Mervin. The man grinned. "You came at a good time of day, friend," the man said. "You've got your pick of the litter."

"Litter?" Mervin said. "This is Anderson's Corner Store, right?"

"It certainly is," the man said.

"I'm here to buy a newspaper."

The man laughed. "We don't sell any newspapers, friend." He gestured to a red-haired woman lounging on a chaise nearby. "But Holly here will give you a blowjob for ten bucks."

Mervin left without a newspaper or a blowjob. His friends weren't kidding when they said the neighborhood was going to shit.

He walked down Main Street to Dawson's Gas Bar. There were no longer any pumps out front, but Mervin wondered if they still had newspapers and chewing gum and energy drinks inside.

When he entered, Mervin found the gas bar store had been cleared. The far side wall was filled with TV monitors tuned to horse racing, baseball, hydro plane racing, auto racing, boxing, mixed martial arts. There was a group of people sitting before the monitors cheering the sporting events.

Off to the side was a wicket surrounded by wire mesh. Inside the wicket sat an old woman.

"Is this Dawson's Gas Bar?" Mervin asked.

"Sure is," the old woman croaked in a smoker's voice.

"You don't sell gas anymore?"

"Nah, no gas."

"You don't sell chewing gum anymore?"

"No, none of that."

"You don't sell newspapers anymore?"

"No -- say, if you're looking for all that kind of stuff, why don't you try Anderson's Corner Store up the road?"

"I did, but it's not a corner store anymore, it's a whorehouse."

"You wanna place a bet?" the old woman asked.

Mervin shook his head and left.

As he walked along Main Street, he came upon Edmond's Furniture Store. Mervin did a double-take when he looked through the front windows: there was no furniture in the store, though it appeared to sell newspapers.

Mervin went in and found the day's newspaper. He looked around and saw rows of potato chips and snacks, chewing gum, energy drinks and beef jerky.

Mervin went to the counter to pay for the newspaper. Old Mr. Edmond was working the cash register. Mervin remembered him from years before when he, Mervin, played on a little league baseball team sponsored by Mr. Edmond.

"Mr. Edmond, how're you doing?" Mervin said.

Mr. Edmond didn't seem to recognize him. "Doing all right, thanks. Do I know you?"

"I used to play for the Edmond Furniture little league team," Mervin said.

"Oh, right, you've got a good memory."

"You don't sell furniture anymore?"

"Nah, nobody can afford it."

"How did you get into selling newspapers and chips and energy drinks?"

"Well, when Anderson's Corner Store turned into a whorehouse and Dawson's Gas Bar got into sports betting, it seemed like a natural opening in the marketplace."

"But if Anderson's Corner Store is a whorehouse, why isn't it called a whorehouse or something other than Anderson's Corner Store? Because it's not Anderson's Corner Store anymore."

"Interesting question."

"And if Dawson's doesn't sell gas anymore, and all you can do is bet on sports there, why is it still called 'Dawson's Gas Bar'?"

"Well, 'Gas Bar' sounds better than 'sports betting', doesn't it?"

"But it's not accurate."

"You said you played on the Edmond Furniture little league team?"

"Yeah, when I was about eleven."

"It's my lunch hour," Mr. Edmond said. "What do you say we go over to the Victory Luxury Lounge?"

"Sure, I could use some lunch."

Mervin and Mr. Edmond went down the sidewalk to the Victory Luxury Lounge. Mervin recalled that it as one of the fanciest restaurants in town, where many famous entertainers had performed over the years.

When they entered, Mervin was astonished to see the place was a complete dump: mismatched chairs at tables, the velour booths were bald and ripped, the leather booths all cracked and split. The placed smelled of urinal pucks and BO. It was a large place, which seemed even larger since the old expansive bar had been removed.

Behind a partition dividing the old seating area, there was a group of men cheering and betting on a cock fight.

"I thought you said we were going to get some lunch," Mervin said.

"No, I said that it's my lunch hour," Mr. Edmond said. "I always bet on the cock fights on my lunch hour."

After leaving the Victory Luxury Lounge, Mervin met the town's mayor out walking his dog. There was little grass for the dog to walk on and relieve himself. As the dog pooped on the pavement, Mervin said hello to the mayor.

"Say, your honor," Mervin said. "No disrespect intended, but why wouldn't you take your dog to the dog park?"

"That's used as a junk yard now," the mayor said. "It's not safe to walk the dogs amid all the jagged bits of metal from all the smashed and destroyed cars."

"Why is it still called 'The Dog Park', then, and not 'The Junk Yard'?"

"Because 'Dog Park" sounds so much better."

"I've noticed the same thing with businesses along Main Street," Mervin said. "Anderson's Corner Store is now a whorehouse. Dawson's Gas Bar is a betting hall. And the Victory Luxury Lounge is used for cock fighting. It's confusing when you don't call a thing what it is. Why doesn't anyone call these things what they are?"

"Because our town would look like it's turned into a pile of shit," the mayor said. His dog had finished pooping on the sidewalk, so the mayor gave Mervin a nod and continued along his way.

America, you're not alone! Some Canadians think waterboarding's cool, too!

2011-10-06T09:38:00.004-04:00

A letter to the editor of The Windsor Star, Sept. 29:

Ex-U.S. leaders should face justice
It's time for the Harper government to prove that its stance on "law and order" pertains to more than just pot smokers.

The government of Stephen Harper must commit to arresting and prosecuting former U.S. president, George W. Bush, former vice-president, Dick Cheney, former secretary of defense, Donald Rumsfeld on the charge of war crimes should they ever enter Canada.

Based on what evidence?

Aside from copious first-hand accounts from victims, memos signed by Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld, each man has admitted to war crimes in their respective memoirs.

George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld admit - and, in fact, state they are proud - that they authorized the use of torture during their so-called "war on terror."

More than that, they admit to specifically authorizing the use of such torture techniques as "waterboarding" to be used on detainees.

I believe the Conservatives' tough talk about law and order is merely campaign trail rhetoric; a way to steer taxpayer dollars to cronies to build prisons.

I challenge the Harper government to prove me wrong.

As we await Moammar Gadhafi to be brought to justice in The Hague, so too should George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. These three should be given legal representation and full, proper, transparent trials.

They need to be brought to justice. No matter who perpetrates acts so grievous they are termed "war crimes," such actions should not be tolerated or accepted by anyone.

Even by the Harper government.

A Canadian who endorses the use of torture replies.

To which I would reply if I replied:

Interesting this correspondent says that waterboarding was successful. It actually was, but not in the way he thinks.

The Americans took their waterboarding techniques from their own S.E.R.E. (Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape) program, meant to train soldiers how to endure torture by the communists (soldiers came back from the Korean war with stories of torture, so the program was created on how to withstand those techniques). The Bush administration "reverse engineered" these techniques and instructed its people in how to perform these acts.

The thing is, analysts and historians (and some communists who later confessed) know why and in what way waterboarding and other techniques were used during the Cold War: to force false confessions for propaganda purposes -- never for intelligence gathering. The techniques were created to extract lies from people.

The communists wanted a quick and ruthless way to make people confess to crimes they hadn't committed, and then filmed American pilots who'd been shot down, admitting anything the communists wanted them to admit.

That's how the Americans are using waterboarding, et al. Not for intelligence, but to manufacture an enemy and gather false confessions.

So, the correspondent is technically correct -- waterboarding has been successful. It's gotten a horde of very unlucky people to confess to acts they never committed and implicate people who never did anything, either.

Has this made us safer? No, it's made America more hated than ever around the world. As a Canadian who has been mistaken countless times abroad for being an American (based on my accent), this is a direct threat to my safety when travelling.

How do I know this about waterboarding? One of the few, effective FBI interrogators, Ali Soufan, has written a book about torture and how ineffective it is. Other, serious, responsible people who interrogate suspects for a living all say that torture only elicits false confessions, never usable information, because people will say anything to make the torture stop.

And, at the end of the day, torture is a recognized war crime. The correspondent may endorse the use of torture, but that doesn't change its legal definition. It's recognized around the world, among all thinking, civilized people, as barbaric, inhuman and criminal.

It says a lot about a person who would endorse it.

Manimal finds love!

2011-10-06T08:31:00.005-04:00

No one ever thought it would happen -- Manimal has found love, and with one of his own species, at that!

'80s TV hero, Manimal, has walked the earth alone since the cancellation of his popular show. Finding work, making ends meet were all he could hope for. Love? Love was out of the question.

That is until he met the Spain's 85 year old Duchess of Alba who, too, is a Manimal.

Decades separate them, chronologically. Thousands of miles had separated them, geographically. Yet, the lovers found each other.

In this cynical day and age, where even Steve Jobs can die, it's refreshing to learn that even Manimal can find love!

Raymond Davis enjoying freedom

2011-10-05T08:47:00.002-04:00

After CIA contractor Raymond Davis was sprung from a Pakistani prison in 2010 when $2.3 million of US taxpayers' money was paid to the families of two men he murdered, Davis returned to America and recently demonstrated how he's making use of his new lease on life: punching out a middle-aged man in a bagel shop parking lot over a parking space.

The incident took place in Colorado. Davis has been charged with third-degree assault and disorderly conduct.

In response to this trouble contractor once again finding himself in trouble, the CIA and US government are prepared to grant him free parking for the rest of his life in the continental United States.

"We acknowledge that the parking space over which Raymond Davis punched a mildde-aged civilian was a free parking space," said a CIA spokesperson in a press conference, "so we're not only granting Davis free parking for life, but dibs on all unmetered parking spaces he may desire. We ask for the help of the American people with this matter. We're at war in three and a half countries and this is a time for shared sacrifice. So, starting on October 3, 2011, if Raymond Davis wants your parking space, give it to him."

Davis was not available for comment, but a pedestrian walking past the headquarters of Davis' security company, Hyperion Protective Consultants, responded to questions about the situation by saying, "I think it's a pile of shit. Dibs for life on parking spaces. Barak Obama has destroyed this country."

John Baird, Foreign Affairs Minister -- You're fired

2011-09-30T13:01:00.006-04:00

From The Globe & Mail:

The Conservative Foreign Affairs Minister demanded – and got – gold embossing on his business cards shortly after being shuffled into the portfolio last May, contrary to government rules.

Mr. Baird then ordered the word “Canada” dropped from the standard design, also against federal policy.

And he insisted that “Lester B. Pearson Building” be removed from the standard street address for Foreign Affairs’ headquarters in Ottawa, thereby erasing the name of a former Liberal prime minister and Nobel Peace Prize winner.

. . .

Dear John,

Question for you: If you don't represent Canada, who do you represent as Foreign Affairs Minister?

What would prompt me to ask such a question? Look at your business card. There's no mention of "Canada" on it, as there has always been before on Foreign Affairs ministers' business cards.

What is your rationale for asking that "Canada" be dropped from your business card? Some strange, indirect surge of asymmetrical patriotism? Trying to blaze your own trail in business card design?

The Globe & Mail points out that you demanded -- and got -- gold embossed business cards, as well. No doubt, to demonstrate that you're a modest guy.

And I see you're breaking new ground, scoring partisan points with your government issued business card, by having "Lester B. Pearson Building" stricken from it, too.

I think Fox News has a place for you on its team.

Question: Do you accept money from the country of Canada, say, in the form of a salary and perks for the position of "Foreign Affairs minister"?

Hate to tell you, but that money comes from the citizens of the country you won't list on your business card.

Or, maybe I have it all wrong, and you're not accepting money from Canadian tax payers, you know, as a matter of principle. Because it would be enormously -- cosmically -- hypocritical to remove Canada from your government issued business cards and still accept a salary from Canadians. You're an educated person. You see this, right?

It's interesting to me how counter-intuitive, how utterly contrary and disconnected the Conservative Party of Canada is.

Here we have a country that, year after year, rates in the Top 5 Most Livable Countries in the World, is voted as having the best national "brand" in the world; American tourists in droves go overseas with Canadian flag pins on their chests, hats and backpacks because Canada and Canadians are beloved everywhere.

And yet, you remove the name of that beloved country -- my country, by the way -- from your business cards.

I hate to do this by email, John -- you're fired.

Clearly you don't understand your job, your position and the decisions you're making are ridiculous and counter productive.

Even if you are not accepting money from Canadian tax payers on principle, you're fired.

This is about more than money and business cards. It's about a country that is respected around the globe, a country filled with quirky, polite-to-a-fault patriotic folks who wouldn't hesitate to have the word "Canada" appear on their business cards. You've offended these people.

Surely you understand that you're a bad fit.

So, please clean out your desk and please be civil and orderly as security escorts you to the perimeter of the property.

Just to show there are no hard feelings, go ahead and take your beloved business cards, with your gold-embossed name and no mention of the country you were supposed to serve.

Take the business cards -- we have to print up a proper batch, anyhow.

The Recession Grinds On . . .

2011-09-23T13:58:00.002-04:00

The Pope in Germany

2011-09-22T11:55:00.001-04:00

Flashback: Interview with Steve Shell from the 2009 Conspiracy Con

2011-09-21T21:09:00.003-04:00

Radio personality Steve Shell has not been heard from since walking away from his top-rated show in February. A fire in May destroyed the archive of his show, I Don't Believe You, and a series of server outages -- including here at Inside the Hotdog Factory -- have wiped out many of the articles that first brought Shell to fame in conspiracy circles.

The good guys at Through the Keyhole won one today when they managed to retrieve this 2009 interview with Steve Shell.

TTKH is still offline, so they passed a portion of the interview to us here, and the full interview can be found on the Limited Hangout website.

* * *

(Originally appeared in the Fall 2009 issue of Through the Keyhole)

Through the Keyhole: Steve, thanks for taking the time to talk to us. I'd like to jump right in and ask you about the controversy surrounding a comment you recently made, comparing the annual 9/11 commemorations to the Jerry Lewis Telethon.

Steve Shell: (groans).

TTKH: Is this something you honesty believe or was it just a moment of -- ?

SS: It wasn't one of my more thoughtful statements, that's for sure. It came from a frustration with the failure of the 9/11 Commission Report, which even the 9/11 Commissioners admit was inadequate. Rather than a proper investigation, we get sanctimonious politicians making speeches at memorial ceremonies. We get all the pseudo-patriot flag wavers who believe love of country is best expressed by not holding our leaders accountable for their actions. And the same way the Jerry Lewis Telethon is an annual event to make everybody feel guilty on Labor Day and to get Lewis' craven mug on our TV screens, the 9/11 commemorations revel in the fear, misery and bureaucratic gluttony that's robbed us of our freedoms, but hasn't made us one bit safer.

TTKH: That's not exactly a retraction.

SS: (laughs). No, I guess it's not.

TTKH: Before those statements about 9/11, though, you were no stranger to controversy. I'm thinking of your efforts to revive interest in the Gary Webb book Dark Alliance, about CIA drug smuggling into the US, particularly under the supervision of Oliver North during the late 1980s.

SS: No one's ever refuted Gary Webb's assertions --

TTKH: Oliver North has.

SS: OK, that's true, but what's his alternative? North's a proven liar . . . he's admitted under oath that he would do anything legal or illegal to protect his superiors.

TTKH: But Gary Webb's suicide didn't cause you to rethink the veracity of his book?

SS: Not at all. Gary was run right into the ground. His newspaper at the time -- the San Joses Mercury -- backed him at first, posting all his supporting evidence on their website. But pretty soon, Webb's editors caved to outside pressure and hung him out to dry. Web should've won a Pulitzer Prize for his book. Instead, he became unemployed and unemployable. Nobody would touch him. But no one refuted his accusations. They destroyed the man, but nobody has proven him wrong.

TTKH: Mythical, omnipresent "They"?

SS: I'm sure the people who fired Gary have names, as did the people who directed them to fire Gary had names. You're a reporter, you could look up those names.

TTKH: But you're not among the people who believe Webb was murdered, even though he committed suicide by shooting himself in the head twice.

SS: I'm not so sure about that.

Read the rest of the interview at Limited Hangout.

Bono Shades for Africa

2011-09-15T15:56:00.006-04:00

Since there's no hope of getting rid of the warlords who intercept nearly all international aid to Africa;

And since there is no hope that western nations might one day stop meddling in African affairs in order to rob the continent of its natural resources;

And since nearly all monies donated to African relief efforts have been the very definition of "throwing good money after bad";

Inside the Hotdog Factory has decided to jump into the game and get into the philanthropy business (and a good business it is!), not only raising money for Africa, but finally seeking to outfit the continent with what it truly needs: Bono shades.

Sure, food, shelter, clean water, mosquito nets, schools, infrastructure, stability, and a little rain are all things Africa needs, but nobody can provide them.

"Bono Shades for Africa" is an initiative with tangible, realistic, achievable goals -- that every man, woman and child in Africa have a pair of Bono shades by the year 2022.

It won't make the people of Africa less hungry, less susceptible to disease, make them safer, happier or one nickel richer. But neither has any other initiative in Africa.

Is a missing radio show host being digitally disappeared?

2011-09-14T14:36:00.001-04:00

"Beware what you post online," goes current conventional wisdom, "because it'll be on the Internet forever."

Old convictions, embarrassing photographs, blog posts and social networking pages -- we hear stories everyday of people being haunted by their digital pasts; losing jobs, relationships and respect because of what they have posted online.

Which makes it all the more curious why a Google search of once-renowned radio personality Steve Shell yields no results.

Gone are Shell's Facebook page, his radio show's Web site, his LinkedIn, Twitter and Flickr accounts.

It's one thing for a person to decide he's done sharing his life online and closing his accounts, but no private citizen has the power to wipe out the cached versions of his online life.

Which begs the questions: Who is digitally disappearing Steve Shell. MORE.

If you're going to make a grossly inaccurate, sweeping statement . . .

2011-07-11T09:39:00.004-04:00

. . . at least spell it correctly.

Casey Anthony following her acquittal

2011-07-08T08:49:00.005-04:00

Elect the conservative rat king

2011-06-15T16:32:00.007-04:00

So, Michelle Bachman, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Tim Pawlenty, Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum are vying for the Republican nomination for the next presidential election.

I say the candidates' tails should be tied together and that the whole rat king run as one privatizing, tax-cutting, Shariah-law-hating entity.

Why not?

Each has their own unique vision for destroying America. Nominate only one of these malignant geniuses and you risk losing six other not-so-beautiful minds that bring their own personal, hellish vision for the country.

Also, each is rather pathetic on their own (aside from the ballsy Ron Paul), but the cancerous whole would at least have a the morbid appeal of a carnival freak on the campaign trail.

The only consolation about the U.S. being systematically disassembled by the rich and powerful is that this woeful gaggle of twits is the best their money can buy.

At least, in one respect, the Koch Brothers, et al, have been ripped off.

Alabama Deals a Severe Blow to Immigrants

2011-06-10T17:43:00.004-04:00

From the LA Times: "Reporting from Atlanta— Alabama set a new national standard for get-tough immigration policy Thursday with Gov. Robert J. Bentley's signing of a law that surpasses Arizona's SB 1070, with provisions affecting law enforcement, transportation, apartment rentals, employment and education.

"The new law, combined with legislation passed in May by neighboring Georgia, has arguably made this swath of the Deep South the nation's hottest immigration battleground, with the region's troubled racial history fueling the fire."

This serves as a near-death blow to thousands of physicians, engineers, computer entrepreneurs, satellite and laser specialists, as well as theologians, bio-chemists, morpho-geneticists and writers, artists and philanthropists from Europe, Asia and beyond -- all of whom had aspirations of living in the Promised Land that is modern day Alabama.

"That's where all the cutting edge medical advances have been made for the past two decades," says Zorn Threebold, a Danish morpho-geneticist and thoracic surgeon. "Young science and medical students throughout northern Europe dream of one day walking the hallowed halls of an Alabama research institute. But that dream has become virtually out of reach with this announcement. This is a shattering development."

"Going to Alabama to work on stem cell research and avant garde video art was the only thing that saw me through 12 years of graduate, post-graduate, doctoral and post-doctoral work," says Elma Strand, an eighteen year old science prodigy said to be on the verge of curing snow blindness in Viennese harried gerbils. "Where am I to go now? M.I.T.? Sure -- if I'd majored in playing ping pong."

Brain surgeons and nano technologists alike have been scrambling to make alternative arrangements once it became clear education/technological mecca that is Alabama was suddenly closed to the world's leading intellectuals, scientists, economists and BBQ grillmasters.

"It's like watching the burning of the Library of Alexandria or having Aristotle shout at the world's scientific elite, 'Get off my lawn!'" said a distraught Mickle Ionson, a leading bean counter from the Bonn School Economics.

Officials in Alabama had no further comment regarding their blanket, draconian immigration law. They did reveal, however, that the Alabama Haldron Collider was undergoing renovation and is hoped to open as a roller-rink-cum-rib-joint in the second quarter of 2013.

Also, the Finton Institute for Curing Disease is being reconverted into a Chuck E. Cheese outlet.

Gallup Report reveals "composite" American politician and Cantor and Boehner reveal strategy for America

2011-06-10T12:03:00.008-04:00

A long lost report about the public's perception of politicians, compiled by the Gallup Organization, has been unearthed.

Dating from the 1980 presidential campaign, thousands of Americans answered questions about how they perceived politicians.

What makes this study unique is that the data were fed into a supercomputer and the findings outputted as a composite image (displayed at top right) of what the report calls "the perennial American politician -- all bluster, no substance, will say and do anything to get elected, particularly taking part in embarrassing photo-ops at fast food restaurants, serving customers, wearing a paper; pandering, promising, placating, posturing."

The most amazing part of this unconventional method for producing findings is that the composite American politician is a dead ringer for GOP presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, from Massachusetts.

"The resemblance is uncanny," says Cliff Garson, Romney's campaign manager. "Although in substance, Mitt Romney is the polar opposite, as he stands for common Americans who revile affordable health care, who believe we keep America strong by exporting jobs to Asia and buttress a lagging economy by redefining the word 'rape'."

Romney -- known for appearing at all times as though he'd just been yelled at by the ghost of some dead, senior relative -- had no comment.

In other political news, Reps. Eric Cantor and John Boehner continue on their two-man crusade to wipe the smiles off the faces of each and every American.

"There are a surprising number of optimistic people in this country," Cantor said at a recent press event. "Which is surprising in this very grim political and economic climate. Frankly, I'm not sure what more we can do to make ordinary Americans miserable. I guess we'll just have to stay the course and remain vigilant."

"My father once told me," said a watery-eyed John Boehner at the same event. "'A friend in need is a friend indeed.' So, we're committed to making as many Americans as needy as possible before the next election. We're going to need those friends in the voting booths." At which point Boehner went into a crying jag. His tears were said to give off a faint scent of vermouth.