Inside the Hotdog Factory

Rebuilding Christendom -- You're doing it wrong

2012-07-25T10:08:00.001-04:00

I see the purpose of your "Rebuilding Christendom" conference is to "proclaim the politics of Jesus Christ".

You're doing it wrong.

Jesus Christ didn't have a political position.

When asked about taxes, Jesus said to give what is due to Caesar and give what is due to god.

Regarding the wealthy, Jesus said that a business man has as much chance of getting into the Kingdom of Heaven as a camel passing through the eye of a needle. In other words, zero chance.

So, to have a conference proclaiming the politics of Jesus -- misnomer that it is -- I hope you'll be serving loaves of bread and fish at no charge. I hope there will be an endless supply of free wine, as there was at the Wedding at Cana (courtesy of Jesus). I hope that prostitutes, tax collectors and lepers will be welcome at your conference, as well.

You see, too many Christians nowadays profess to believe and adhere to the tenets of Jesus Christ, when in fact they do not.

Jesus healed the sick and the lame free of charge. So, no doubt you'll be advocating for free, universal health care for all Americans.

Jesus forgave his enemies, even those who crucified him. So, no doubt you'll be advocating for a swift and complete end to all of America's wars.

And because Jesus' greatest single oratorical work was the Sermon on the Mount, you will no doubt be advocating for the weak and for the poor, for the mistreated in America, for the ignored and marginalized.

I somehow have a feeling you won't be doing any of these things at your conference. Jesus Christ's name is "public domain", so I guess you can slap it on anything you like to draw a crowd.

If you do happen to charge money for the food served at your conference. If you happen to believe that only those who can afford to pay for health care deserve it. If you are not advocating for the poor and the weak, I hope you'll have a second look at who you call Lord and Savior. Because it's not Jesus Christ. It's more like his younger brother, Jesse of Nazareth.

When Dealing with the Police -- Canadian Edition

2012-07-23T10:49:00.001-04:00

You have the Right . . .

To laugh.

Chances are, you’ll get a “Promise to Appear” citation.

If you are arrested, even better. That means you’ll go before a Canadian judge. Canadian judges love raggamuffin people who appear before them.

At best they’ll let you go. At worst, they’ll give you a tongue-lashing that sounds like something from an Andy Hardy movie . . . and then they’ll let you go.

If the Police Stop Anyone . . .

Know that Canadian street cops are very frustrated with Canadian courts because the judges let everyone go. Recently, a man who pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography was sentenced to 14 days in jail. A guy found guilty of stabbing two people was sentenced to 30 months in jail.

Unless the person stopped by the cops stabbed someone or was caught with CP, they’re home free.

The cops might be grouchy with you because they know you’re going to walk, no matter what they caught you with. Be polite and feel secure that their fate -- at worst -- will be in the hands.

If the Police Stop You . . .

Ditto.

If the Police Arrest You . . .

If you're arrested in Canada -- congratulations on choosing the greatest country in the world in which to be arrested!

If you're a murderer, child molester, drug dealer, and have the outlandishly bad luck of being found guilty of your crime, fear not. You're looking at a maximum prison sentence of five years, probably a lot less.

Get your sob story together. Canadian judges are cultivated on specialty farms where, until well into adulthood, they've never heard of the concept of lying. Tell them your story -- true or not -- and they will believe you.

Canadian judges also love placing people under house arrest. Jurisprudence doesn't get any better than this -- punishing a person by making them stay at home. Most people call that "vacation", but Canadian judges -- reared in ways similar to the raising of veal calves -- believe this is "punishment". No shit!

And if you do end up serving time, getting a record -- no problem! In five years' time, get a pardon . . . though your sins should be like crimson, the bleeding heart of the National Parole Board will make them as white as snow.

Remember
Be cool. Nothing's going to happen to you. Canada believes that "being civilized" means allowing people the freedom to work out their personality issues, in their own way time, at their own speed, in whatever way helps them learn from the experience. If you need do steal cars or sell drugs to work out your issues, no sweat. Canadian jurisprudence is there for you.

Your self-esteem is all that matters.

Motivational speaker's character-building exercise goes awry

2012-07-22T10:04:00.001-04:00

Motivational speaker, Herm Kaleidoscope, is facing tough questions this morning after a character-building exercise in his popular "Align Your Inner Anaconda" weekend retreat went tragically wrong.

The popular author and retreat leader went into the Arizona desert on Friday evening with twenty-four adherents and came out Saturday afternoon with only five of them.

"Herm walked us from our camp site before sunrise on Saturday morning," says one adherent who asked not to be quoted by name, "and led us out to a cliff, about three hundred feet above the floor of the desert. He asked us to line up and put on blindfolds, which we did. Then he said, 'Walk.' And we did."

Nineteen retreat attendees walked to their deaths off that cliff. The question this morning is, Why?

"The exercises and strategies of the 'Align Your Inner Anaconda' are rooted in the science of meta-faith-Believe-Meology, a field of study created by Mr. Kaleidoscope," read a statement issued by Kaleidoscope Will-of-Iron, LLC. "The practices of these retreat weekends are the result of decades of travel and first-hand experience by Mr. Kaleidoscope and are intended for entertainment purposes only, make no claim to heal, change or alter participants in any way, and are entered into at the participants' own risk, each of whom sign documents ahead of time stipulating Mr. Kaleidoscope and/or his company cannot be found at fault for the events of a given retreat weekend."

Mr. Kaleidoscope has been incommunicado since Arizona desert tragedy, but a former staffer has come forward, answering questions about the motivational speakers tactics.

"Our society is so deeply narcissistic that the cliff walking exercise was created to get people to stop thinking about themselves," says the former staffer who asked not to be named. "It's a very powerful experience to walk off a cliff blindfolded."

When asked how many times she had walked blindfolded off a cliff, the former staffer replied, "I've never done it."

When asked how many people have performed this feat and survived, the former staffer said, "None. Actually, I'm not sure why this retreat is getting so much attention. Herm Kaleidscope has been walking people off of cliffs for years, and it's never been an issue. Maybe the fact that a few people returned with him this time is the difference."

Now, people around the country who have pre-paid to attend "Align Your Inner Anaconda" retreat weekends are up in the air as to whether their retreats will happen, if there will be refunds in the event of cancellations or if walking off of cliffs will help them perform better at work and/or in their personal relationships.

At this early point in the story, there appears only to be questions and very few answers. One thing is sure, this story is taking much of the heat off of motival speaker Tony Robbins' fire-walking debacle.

The NRA comments on the deadly Aurora, Colorado cineplex shooting

2012-07-21T07:34:00.001-04:00

Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president of the National Rifle Association, eyed the reporters gathered at the NRA press conference with his steely, patriot's gaze.

The question that was already causing so much outrage and angst in the NRA was the first to be asked of LaPierre. Some jellyfish from a New York news bureau asked, "When will the NRA acknowledge that some level of gun contol is needed in this country, given the sorts of preventable tragedies like the shooting at the Aurora, Colorado cineplex?"

LaPierre felt -- as everyone in the NRA, Republican Party and toothless, barmy-eyed mountainmen -- the question didn't merit an answer. LaPierre would have preferred biting a chunk out of the jellyfish's face. But, no doubt, the lamestream media would spin that into some anti-NRA commentary, so LaPierre was left to play ball with the jellyfish.

"The NRA has commissioned numerous scientific studies on the subject," LaPierre began, "and we find, time and time again, that there is absolutely no correlation between guns and shooting deaths. Zero. None."

The reporters texted and typed the response with librarian quietude.

"The real question," LaPierre went on, "is the madness of showing violent, imaginary movies -- with absolutely no patriotic value -- in multi-screen cineplexes. The NRA has said for years that multi-plexes are death traps. We've cried out on this subject, time and time again, but our cries fell on deaf ears. Well, I'm here today to say, 'We told you so.'"

In a single, inarticulate roar, the reporters began shouting questions at the executive vice president of the NRA. LaPierre raised his hand and quieted them like Jesus Christ calming the tumultuous sea.

"Guns don't kill," LaPierre said, "Batman kills. Had someone in the audience been armed, this tragedy could have been averted."

"But if an audience member had started shooting," a female reporter piped up, "couldn't there have been more casualties and deaths?"

I will have Eric Cantor deport you to North Korea, wench! LaPierre thought.

"Absolutely not," LaPierre said. "Guns are what make us safe. The more guns you have in a movie theatre, in a supermarket, in a shopping mall, the safer everyone is. That's a proven fact. The NRA has proven it time and time again."

The reporters exploded with more questions. LaPierre quieted them with raised hands. "It was guns that settled this country and made us free!" he shouted in his masculine stentorian voice. "Not Batman!"

LaPierre then walked away from the podium leaving the lamestream media reporters in a pandemonium of ridiculous, leftist questions.

The lamesteam media proceeded to put an anti-NRA spin on the news conference.

HSBC compliance chief, David Bagely, steps down amid Mexican drug cartel scandal

2012-07-19T16:31:00.000-04:00

In a brief statement before U.S. Congressional investigators, Mr. Bagley said, "After bonding with my Mexican bros, I saw how meaningless banking was and decided to follow my bliss to the Choix mountains."

When asked what he would be doing in the Choix mountains, Mr. Bagley said, "I'll be Chief Operating Officer of the Beltrán Leyva Cartel's dog fighting division. I've always had a soft spot for animals."

Outrage Over eBikes in Automotive City

2012-07-13T15:28:00.001-04:00

Windsor, Ontario -- known the world over for its contributions to the auto industry and for being one of the most automobile-centric societies on earth.

Much as Windsorites enjoy their motorized, mechanized transportation vehicles, there's a new breed on the road that's causing fear, loathing and outrage.

As though springing from some malevolent alien pod, "eBikes" -- some hellish, moped hybrid of unnatural origin -- have taken to the streets like a plague in Windsor, Ontario .

What is so odious about this new form of personal transportation?

"For one, they're really slow," says Otto Carmichael, president of Advocates for Automobile Autonomy, Safety and Fairness.

"Second, they're really cheap, so low income people can afford them.

"Worse, though," Carmichael continues, "is that most eBike riders travel to the side of the street because they're too anemic to take part in traffic. Pathetic!

"Worst of all," Carmichael opines, "is that eBikes are silent. What do they have to hide? That also raises safety concerns on a noisy road. How are pedestrians to know an eBike is within their vicinity if eBikes make no sound? It's ridiculous.

"And even worse yet," Carmichael explains, red-faced, wielding his index finger like a switchblade, "is that people say eBikes are great because they have zero emissions. They don't pollute. That's a lie. They pollute my consciousness with their very existence."

From The Windsor Star:

City council has received a recommendation by the city’s Environment and Transportation Committee to change existing traffic bylaws to ban e-bikes from all sidewalks and multi-use trails.

"I think it’s bull crap because, I mean, if it’s a bike path, you should be able to ride on it on your bike, and they classify these as bikes," said Chris Belcher, who has owned several e-bikes for the past four years and was riding on Windsor’s waterfront paths on the weekend.

Bull crap or not, if these revelations about the "eBike" weren't troubling enough, a month-long Inside the Hotdog Factory investigation has uncovered the existence of yet another heretofore unknown "zero emissions" abomination, which some call "the bicycle".

"There have been rumors for years about such devices as bicycles," says Eli Izod, editor of Automotive Exuberance. "But, like the Sasquatch or the Yeti, we've never found droppings, or dead bodies -- only grainy photographs, hearsay evidence and the odd plaster cast of tracks."

As an Inside the Hotdog Factory film crew staked out a nature trail, hoping to get footage of an eBike mangling a nature walker, we captured a clear, incontrovertible photograph of a bi-cycle.

The bi-cyclist didn't respond to shouts to stop, nor even appeared to hear these shouts.

Although this new evidence of other zero emissions vehicles has been found -- one that appears to provide exercise, as well -- is not all bad. Now that we know it exists, Windsorites can unite and storm City Council demanding something be done about them.

Unfortunately, at this point, the rarity and scarcity of this new vehicular form may well backfire on adherents of automotive exuberance and see this bi-cycle put on some kind of endangered species list or be otherwise protected by the Nanny State.

More to come . . .

The Making of Mediocrity

2012-06-26T14:52:00.001-04:00

How else are we going to manufacture a generation of mediocre citizens, lazy, ineffective thinkers, obedient worker bees, citizens who opt not to vote than by penalizing teachers who hand out zeroes to students who don't hand in assignments?

Why would we want to prepare our young people for the world?

We're in a perfect position to pull a world-class gotcha on our children: raise them to believe everything they do is exceptional, give trophies -- trophies! -- to everyone who participates in sporting events, and lull kids into a false sense of security that the world will accept assignments left unfinished, unattempted, not handed in.

Then, if these young people are lucky enough not to die before entering the workforce -- gotcha! Everything we taught you was wrong!

Dear children, when your boss gives you an assignment, he expects it to be completed -- on time, on budget, to specification. But what a great and hearty laugh will be had at your expense when you have no ability to produce such work because the period that should have been spent teaching you how was spent laying the foundation for this wonderful, elaborate joke!

It's like a generation of parents is hazing its children. It's like a generation of parents sees its children as fraternity and sorority pledges who must be treated with outlandish exaggeration in order to initiate them.

This generation of "helicopter"-trophies-for-everyone parents is dead set to raise an entire population of basement dwellers; pale, pasty, video-game-suckling drones with the intellectual physiques of veal calves.

Yes, penalize teachers who hand out zeroes! Zeroes hurt your child's self esteem. Your child is only expressing himself when he doesn't do his homework or hand in assignments. You don't want to thwart that kind of natural self-expression.

Hopefully these parents will take their warped sense of child-rearing to its logical extreme -- teaching their kids to drive on the wrong side of the road, to disobey traffic signals, cut lines, walk out of stores without paying for merchandise. After all, rules are for idiots.

And everyone gets a trophy just for showing up!

How could this philosophy possibly go wrong?

Threat To Israel Is Threat To Canada, Defence Minister Peter MacKay Tells Israeli Military Commander

2012-06-20T16:51:00.002-04:00

To my Member of Parliament after reading Threat To Israel Is Threat To Canada, Defence Minister Peter MacKay Tells Israeli Military Commander:

So, the transformation of Canada into a Franksteined version of George W. Bush's America continues.

Who are the Conservatives trying to impress with such rhetoric, with Peter MacKay saying "A threat to Israel is a threat to Canada"?

Are you trying to impress the US? I thought that was covered by the Harper Government handing Canadian sovereignty over to the Yanks piecemeal.

Are we showing England and the rest of Europe that we can be as stupid as the United States?

Are we trying to antagonize Arab countries that ordinarily wouldn't give Canada a second thought?

MacKay's statement sounds like the first volley in what America does so well: manufacturing an enemy.

How else to justify the purchase of new and more military equipment? How else to justify increased intrusion into the privacy of Canadians?

Manufacture and enemy and tell Canadians its all in the name of keeping Stephen Harper's citizens safe.

For the record, many of us know can see MacKay's provocative words for what they are. On your best day, you've never hard more than 30-some percent of the country supporting you. On your best day.

I can't blame the Harper Government, though, for being so smug and smarmy. After all, winning a majority government when it was so sorely undeserved, how could you not view the Canadian citizenry with such contempt?

You're like the batterer in an abusive relationship; driven by anger, but equally driven to cause harm for the disdain and disrespect you feel for Canadians. And the abuse continues because too few Canadians educate themselves about what the Harper Government is really all about.

It's about becoming America Lite, a Police State where you're either on the side of the government or the child pornographers. You should replace the maple leaf on the Canadian flag with a 1 and a 0 to represent the Harper Government's ingrained, unbudging binary thinking.

What an aberrant and disgusting vision of Canada the Harper Government has. Absolutely contemptible on every level.

Message to Kerry Cassidy of Project Camelot

2012-06-07T20:12:00.000-04:00

At the 12:38 minute mark of this 2009 interview with Dr. Stephen Greer, Kerry Cassidy says that a "secret witness" told her that the world would run out of food in 10 months and that we had 4 years of air left in the world.

Clearly, the first prediction about the food was completely wrong. It's now 2012 and I've been overeating with abandon right through the deadline Kerry stated.

As for the world running out of air, I'm going to bet that prediction will prove as accurate as the food prediction.

My question is -- why repeat such obviously asinine testimony such as this? All it does is hurt your credibility, makes you look like wingnuts, and actually sabotages everything else you have to say because the casual, uninformed viewer sits back and thinks, "Well, everything else they're talking about is probably just as loopy as the food and air predictions."

For people who present themselves as "researchers" who are digging for the truth, where's the research? Actually, where's the educated skepticism?

Art Bell torpedoed himself in much the same way. He explored many interesting topics on his show, had many interesting guests, but the fact that he believed and gave credence to some of the most laughable and easily disproven theories hurt him -- not the least of which was his ridiculously serious introduction to the "screams from hell" as recorded from a deep hole in Siberia. Really? Hell is in the center of the earth? The Russians dug a 9 km hole and then went and found a microphone with a 9 km cord, lowered it into the center of the earth without it melting, and were able to record these sounds, which everyone instantly deduces are the screams of hell? Really? That's school-yard apocryphal-tale-telling, not anything approaching responsible research.

In a time when secret operations need exposure. In a time when so many conspiracies are active, and are damaging our democracy and our planet. In a time when we could be using the Internet to disseminate actual true information about these conspiracies, why in the world would you torpedo your interview with Dr. Greer by sharing such an outlandishly foolish prediction as the world running out of food in 10 months and running out of air in 4 years?

Why would you negate everything else you've done with statement such as this?

Before I'm viewed as merely a crank raining on your parade, I wanted to share a quick anecdote about how misinformation sinks the whole ship.

When I was a kid, I was home sick one day in November 1983 and was watching Donahue or one of those talk shows. They were discussing the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. At that time in my life, all I knew was that Lee Harvey Oswald killed him, and that was that. Obviously, I know better now.

So, with that scant knowledge, I watched a panel of researchers, which I believe included Mark Lane and Robert Groden, both of whose work I have come to respect.

Among the panel was one man who said, "If you watch the Zapruder film closely, you'll see the Secret Service driver of the limousine turn around and fire the fatal shot at JFK."

Even as a child, I thought this was ridiculous and I've always remembered that statement and the effect it had on the studio audience: After that man put forth his ridiculous theory, the rest of the panel was painted with the same brush by the audience. Everyone on the panel was taken down with the ship, as it were. Suddenly, everyone's theories seemed silly. No doubt, the man who put forth the limo-driver-as-assassin idea was a misinformation agent whose job was to do precisely that -- torpedo the entire panel. Mission accomplished, at least on that day.

And so, I find similarly silly, ridiculous, easily disproven theories have the same effect on conversations. Pardon the indelicate image, but such theories are like a turd in the swimming pool -- they contaminate everything within their reach.

So, ideas that we're going to run out of food in 10 months and run out of air in 4 years are turds in the swimming pool.

Responsible researchers should eshew such statements and people who put forth such ideas without voluminous evidence. The emphasis should be on the evidence not the theories. The Internet is chockful of whacky theories. I can get my fill on there all day. I want evidence.

Big week in Canadian law & order

2012-06-05T11:28:00.003-04:00

Alberta mom who drowned sons to serve 15 more months.

Eaton Centre suspect under house arrest at time of shooting.

Bus beheader seeks passes from hospital.

I understand the Canadian "justice" system isn't about vengeance and I'm glad for that. I cannot, however, abide the attitude in our courts that looks upon a person who has committed murder and looks to see, "How can we get this poor soul back on his/her feet?"

Where is the recognition of injury done to the victim and/or the victims family in Canadian courts? Isn't that a part of justice? Not in Canada, of course, but isn't it part of most people's sense of what justice is all about?

I'm all too familiar with the hand-wringing do-gooders of Canada who will lament, for instance, about the Alberta mom/muderer, "Sentencing her to 40 years in jail isn't going to bring back the children she murdered."

No, it won't, but I would posit, a lengthy prison sentence is merited, just the same. The woman cold-bloodedly murdered two children. What's worse -- they were her own children. That's not a mitigating factor, it's an exacerbating factor!

Of all the crime stories I've ever read about -- and I've read thousands -- never have I heard of a family member of a murder victim say, imply, infer or otherwise communicate: "If only the murderer got a life sentence, my loved one would come back."

I've never heard such a thing said because I'm sure it's never been said. Nobody believes it. So, the hand-wringing criminal-embracing bleeding hearts ought to stop using that as a point of argument.

For some reason, human life has little meaning or value to Canadian courts.

Murder someone and Canadian courts act like American retailers on double coupon day: "OK, are you a member of CARP? That will get you a few years off. Any mental illness? That'll save you a few years. Are you of aboriginal ancestry? There's a few more years shaved off. How about extenuating circumstances, like, you just didn't mean it? That'll save you a few years. How about, you're sorry? Right -- good -- that'll get you a few more years shaved off . . ."

This bizarre, macabre bargaining goes on until the convicted murderer is sentenced to mere months in prison and then given two-for-one credit for time served.

Why? Because the only thing that matters in Canadian courts is the accused. Murder someone in Canada and you become Special Person on the next installment of This Is Your Life. And then all the guilt-ridden do-gooders who think the world just needs more hugs and sweaters have their chance to perform a personality make-over on murderers, rapists, child molesters, what have you. Like these wretches are the do-gooders ragamuffin Barbie dolls.

This is no more in evidence than the case of Vincent Li, Canadian's beloved cannibal, for whom so many people are pulling, cheering the coming of his day passes.

I've been told my views are outmoded, unsophisticated and not inline with Canadian justice. That may be so, but I believe that when the act is heinous enough, the reasons behind the act become irrelevant and the perpetrator of the heinous act must simply be locked up forever.

In these isolated cases -- the mother/murderer, the alleged Eaton Centre shooter, the Canadian cannibal -- yes, when found guilty of such crimes, these people should be locked up until they die.

Canada finally recognizes a long-abused and shunned constituency: its cannibals

2012-05-21T14:15:00.001-04:00

For too long, Canada has shunned and overlooked a small and vulnerable segment of society: cannibals.

The Canadian Cannibal Community -- otherwise known as C³ -- has greeted the news of renowned Canadian Cannibal, Vince Li's newly expanded freedom with great excitement.

"This is a great step forward for Canadian Cannibalism," says Clover Nausch, C³ spokesman and cannibal with almost twenty years experience, "and dare I say, cannibalism around the world."

From the New York Daily News:

The Criminal Code review board said Vince Li's treatment team may grant him short escorted trips into the central Canadian city of Selkirk, Manitoba. The review board said the passes will start at 30 minutes and increase incrementally to a maximum of full days.

"Canadian authorities finally understand that locking up cannibals will not bring back the victims of cannibalism," Nausch goes on. "Two wrongs don't make a right.

As Vince Li has a treatment team, Inside the Hotdog Factory attempted to contact the treatment team of Tim McLean, Li's victim. Unfortunately, it was learned that the victim's family doesn't merit a "team".

"That's just how we do things," says Guy Fountainbleu, spokesman for Canada's Department of Justice. "Only offenders are assigned treatment teams."

Inside the Hotdog Factory asked, "What then becomes of the victims and their family?"

"Only offenders are assigned treatment teams," Fountainblue reiterated.

So, now that Vincent Li is slowly being reintegrated back into the community, what does C³ have planned for him.

"A barbecue," says Nausch. "Of course, Vincent won't be able to attend, but he'll be there in spirit. We're also very hopeful that he'll one day take up again his cancer research and his exciting studies in renewable energy."

When asked where the justice and fairness is in Vincent Li enjoying greater freedoms while the victim of his crime remains no less dead, Nausch replied, "I'll answer you with C³'s motto: 'Eat your heart out!'"

Making lemons from lemonade

2012-05-20T09:41:00.002-04:00

Making lemons from lemonade by whetam on GoAnimate

Cartoon Maker - Powered by GoAnimate.

Mississippi Conservative Calls For Putting Gay People To Death On Facebook Page

2012-05-20T06:50:00.005-04:00

After reading Mississippi Conservative Calls For Putting Gay People To Death On Facebook Page

To Mississippi, GOP state Rep. Andy Gipson at gipson.andy@gmail.com

Dear Mississippi, GOP state Rep. Andy Gipson (dear in the non-gay sense):

Contemporary evangelical Christians need to be rebranded. You're not Christians, but reformed Jews.

I say this because you can't seem to keep your noses out of the Old Testament.

You see, Jesus Christ is written about in the New Testament and he himself says that he came to change the old ways. But I can see why you just can't leave that Old Testament alone -- it's filled with prejudice and murder and condemnation.

The New Testament is filled with dull examples of Christ's compassion for others and other uncomfortable bits of wisdome like, "Judge not lest ye be judged" or "Don't try and remove the speck from your neighbor's eye while you have a log in your own" (clunky image, but gets the point across).

And all those wearisome passages about love in the New Testament. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. The Golden Rule. The Good Samaritan.

And then those truly irreconcilable statements by Christ about a rich man's chances of getting into heaven (not very good), Christ's pass when asked to comment about whether he thought taxes were justified, and of course, the fact that Jesus never said a single thing about homosexuality -- either to condone or condemn it.

No wonder contemporary Christians abhor the New Testament!

Now that you're not only on the record for condemning homosexuality, but you're on the Internet doing so, I look forward to the thousands of irascible sleuths who'll now begin picking apart your history to find out just how gay you are. Because, you know, many times when people make statements such as yours, it's because they're actually hiding from or running from feelings they have that they can't deal with. Such as gay feelings. You know, like Ted Haggard. Or, Larry Craig. Or that guy from Focus on the Family or whatever organized conservative group of bigots it is who was caught taking a "rent boy" with him to Europe two years ago.

At the very least, you're a lousy Christian who appears to have no knowledge of the beliefs you profess to follow. And you're not alone. I'm sure if most Christians met Jesus Christ, they'd think him an unwashed, New Age, socialist hippy who never worked a day in his life. I think most Christians wouldn't be able to get along with Jesus. Which I find very, very funny. I mean all that forgiveness stuff and "judge not". What kind of deity asks that of his followers?

Have a great day with your beliefs and with not being gay!

Signed,
Whetam Gnauckweirst

Dear Harper Government: What is the mandatory minimum for treason?

2012-03-06T13:41:00.007-05:00

Regarding the "robo call" scandal in Canada, I wrote the following to my Member of Parliament:

With regard to the news stories flying about "robo calls" being made during the last federal election -- which fraudulently identified themselves as originating from Elections Canada and steered Canadian voters to wrong locations to vote -- I'm going to reserve my judgment until Elections Canada and the RCMP conclude their investigations.

In the meantime, I would like to register my feeling about the kind of people who would undertake such odious, criminal and undemocratic practices during an election: I think they should be charged with treason and sentenced to long years in prison without benefit of comfort or mercy.

I'm sure you, would agree, as would any other Canadian, that our election process is (for lack of a better word) sacred. So many countries around the world do not have the right to vote in elections and yes, it's disgraceful how few Canadians avail of this right in our own fair country.

But for those of us who do, I cannot begin to describe the depth and breadth of my anger, contempt and disgust for any person who would deign to interfere with a Canadian election.

Every basic tenet of good citizenship, fair play and the Canadian character is offended by these so-called "robo calls" that were designed to mislead numerous Canadians into missing their opportunity to vote; to literally suppress the votes of Canadians.

Accountability is not the strong suit of Canadian politics, but this affront to our democracy may be the catalyst for a much-needed change.

No more empty condemnations of bad behavior, followed by empty apologies and empty promises to sin no more.

When Jean Chrétien was so dismissive and unbothered by his HDRC "misplacing" $1 billion in the late 1990s, I remember being utterly sick over the lack of accountability. The person in charge of that debacle wasn't even asked to resign! She was merely reassigned, where she continued to receive her unearned salary and eventually take home her unearned, opulent politician's pension.

Or, when the Conservative Party of Canada was found in contempt of Parliament. Such a condemnation means little if it isn't accompanied by serious repercussions. The Conservatives have remained contemptuous of Parliament and the Canadian people since that time with ne'ery a consequence to their actions.

But now, this, these "robo calls" -- this is effrontery of a different magnitude. This is the stuff of dictatorships. This is the stuff of banana republic coups. This is the stuff of tyranny. This is the stuff of Fascism.

When the guilty parties are finally identified, and if some of them are members of Parliament or otherwise affiliated with a political party, I, personally, and the growing groundswell of concerned, offended Canadians are going to see to it that a new era of accountability is ushered in to Canadian politics. No more empty gestures. No more hollow rebukes.

Because Canada's stature in the world has taken a very negative hit since the Conservative Party of Canada ascended to its reign. The RCMP is almost completely unhinged, with its virtually unchecked (until recently), unspoken policy of sexual harassment. Canadian scientists are muzzled by Conservative constraints because actual science conflicts with the CPC agenda. Legal experts from the United States are pleading with the Harper Government -- which appears impervious to facts, studies, or the opinions of experts -- not to institute mandatory minimums in our courts. Canada's withdrawal from the Kyoto Treaty. The petulant rebranding of The Government of Canada to the noxious "Harper Government". To Vic Toew's -- who's merely one visage of conservative tyranny -- saying to Canadian Internet users that we either support the Conservatives' draconian, Nazi Internet surveillance plans or else we're on the side of child pornographers. Or, Herr Harper -- proven to be impervious to facts, stats, experts or studies -- who's going to give a good "re-think" to public pensions. Right -- a member of the Canadian class who's set to receive a solid-gold, utterly undeserved, unjustifiably opulent, extravagant pension is going to look for ways to nickel-and-dime those of us who didn't grow up to be career opportunists in Ottawa.

I've always believed that if Canada suffered a Watergate-like scandal, it would be under Stephen Harper. Well, we've got the scandal, now it's just a matter of time to see who's responsible for it.

And when we do find out who is behind this most egregious and offensive "robo call" scandal, I hope it's not just some functionary who's thrown under the bus, who's given the obligatory Helena Guergis treatment. It's my hope that the actual persons responsible are identified and called to account, and if proven guilty, are sentenced as harshly as the law allows.

Say, what is the mandatory minimum for treason?

Undercover Boss: The most blatant propaganda on the most beastly propaganda machine in the world

2012-02-17T20:51:00.008-05:00

Since the time of John D. Rockefeller and J.P. Morgan, corporate executives have been among the most hated people in America.

Not much has changed in more than a century, leading right up to the Great Depression of 2008.

The American cannibal class pushed the envelope too far, though, with its $700+ billion bail out and the foreclosures running rampant across the country like a plague.

The Plebeians can only take so much. If it wasn't for TV, transfats and prescription drugs, there's little question they would be running wild in the streets, burning down the condos and corporate suites of their corporate overlords.

Problem with that is -- you can't continue to bleed the populace in the midst of riots and greed-provoked mayhem.

So, what to do?

Turn to the propagandist's best friend: TV.

I'm just after watching an episode of Undercover Boss.

In a world where everything is marketing and disinformation, social conditioning and manufactured consent, never have I seen such a blatant example of raw propaganda as Undercover Boss. I mean, this shit is so over-the-top obvious that it stands out like a neon cock against jeweller's velvet.

In an effort to quell the justified hatred, villification and revulsion and keep the masses from carrying out a very understandable campaign of systematic crucifixion of the cannibal class, this execrable show was devised.

The premise: gallant, polished members of the cannibal class descend from their gold and alabaster executive suites and "go to work" undercover at a handful of front-line locations of their business.

The show is crafted as something akin to Twain's The Prince and the Pauper, where the disguised executive learns from his lowliest workers just what it's like working for the company.

Tyrannical managers show their stripes. Abused, martyred, dedicated employees come to the fore. There's even a bit of comic relief, showing these executives -- whose hands are designed for counting money and pedophilia -- clumsily attempting the work performed by the only members of the company who do real work.

Then comes the divine justice.

The King Solomon executive at some point reveals his/her true identity. Any satisfaction that might come at this moment is completely drained away by the almost instantaneous grovelling in which each Plebeian reflexively engages -- the just and the unjust, the good and the bad, alike.

The show ends with the corporate titan making promises to reform bad policies, then promotes the good employees. And because money heals all wounds, the wretched scoundrel bestows largesse upon his serfs. $15,000 here, $10,000 there. A night's worth of champagne in the corner office.

All is forgiven!

The TARP bail out? Never happened!

The tens of thousands of illegal foreclosures? What foreclosures?

It's true, it's true, It's a Wonderful Life was right! Bankers just want to love. CEOs only want justice. The cannibal class eats human beings with abandon only because they need affection and understanding -- and $33 million bonuses.

Bullshit. Unbelievable, off the charts, vomit-provoking bullshit.

No, the corporate cannibal class is and should be despised and reviled.

No, these wretches should be stripped of every ill-gotten cent, perk and piece of property they own and condemned to work the jobs they worked in their episode of Undercover Boss.

In other words, corporate executives should be sentenced to "reality without chance of parole."

It's the least these motherfuckers deserve. And some televised hand-job to corporate America will never come close to righting that injustice.

But who gives a fuck? Hand me the bucket of chicken and another Ambien.

Conservatives to Canadians on e-snooping: "Stand with us or with the child pornographers"

2012-02-14T09:42:00.003-05:00

After reading about it in The Globe & Mail 'Stand with us or with the child pornographers', I wrote the following to my MP:

The long-form census was intrusive into the privacy of Canadians, but cyber snooping is A-OK. Justification: "Stand with us or with the child pornographers".

Conservatives are often accused of not being terribly bright, binary thinkers: "take it or leave it" "my way or the highway" "like it or lump it" "Stand with us or with the child pornographers".

I don't subscribe to such stereotypes because they divert from the real conversation -- which centers on the dearth of integrity among most politicians, regardless of party affiliation or IQ.

But it doesn't get much more Neanderthal than "Stand with us or with the child pornographers".

In the United States, "neo-conservatives" sold a similar shameful line to its populace, to sell out their freedoms for security with the PATRIOT Acts I and II. It was a dismal bargain that even the revered Benjamin Franklin repudiated more than two hundred years ago: "Those who would trade in their freedom for their protection deserve neither."

I am an Internet power-user and I abhor even the notion of child pornography. Child pornographers should be relegated to the 7th ring of Hell. In a more earthly sense, Canadian judges should start handing out commensurate sentences to these monsters for the damage they wreak upon the lives of the most innocent among us. I don't support capital punishment, but I could damn near do so in the case of child pornographers. At the very least, they should be jailed indefinitely, shamed, shunned and left to rot in their abundant inner filth.

I feel nearly the same disgust for sanctimonious politicians who undermine the very foundations of my country with fascist proposals that erode Canadian freedoms that will not provide us with one iota more security.

Sanctimonious, self-righteous ideologues who are essentially saying, "We [the ordained conservatives of superior moral fibre] want to save you from yourselves."

Well, I do not side with child pornographers. And I most heartily do not side with small-minded, fear-mongering, panty-sniffing, righteously indignant hypocrites, such as the Conservative Party of Canada.

No, I'm in this dwindling minority in Canada -- those who abide by facts, reason, evidence and dialogue, all of which are anathema to conservatives, who hide the price tags of their pet prison and jet fighter projects. Who disregard crime statistics when crowing for more prisons. Who disregard the world-renowned Statistics Canada data. Who will not allow Canadian scientists to speak freely about the research they conduct (particularly into global warming) because, clearly, their findings don't fit the conservative agenda.

And then you propose to save me from myself? To take away my freedoms in exchange for "security"? That Public Safety Minister Vic Toews would accuse me and all Canadians that if we don't side with your fascist desire to spy on us, that we are siding with the lowest scum in society?

This is just more evidence -- which I do not need -- that conservatism is an untenable ideology, that conservatives are unfit to govern and that the intellectual dishonesty to which your party stoops is, frankly, gag-inducing.

But the conservatives will ram this legislation through, no doubt. Our other ineffectual political parties will wring their hands, consoled by the pensions they will one day undeservedly enjoy.

I do not side with child pornographers, and I do not side with small-minded fear mongers.

I can't wait to see where Stephen Harper decides to open his own Guantanamo Bay detention camp.

"So what, we faked a citizenship ceremony" says the Stephen Harper Government

2012-02-03T13:24:00.003-05:00

From The Windsor Star:

OTTAWA — A fake citizenship ceremony broadcast last fall on Sun News was the result of "logistical problems," Immigration Minister Jason Kenney said Thursday in the House of Commons, amid much laughter.

Under fire during question period after departmental emails detailing the hoax surfaced, Kenney ignored opposition requests to apologize for the ruse, blamed it on public servants in his department and urged Canadians to look past it.

Which necessitated an email to my MP:

I've read about the phony citizenship-reaffirmation ceremony where bureaucrats posed as new immigrants, broadcast by Tory-friendly Sun News, and have to wonder how anyone who's part of the Harper Government can look themselves in the mirror.

The prorogations. The Contempt of Parliament. The "we won't tell you how much our legislative initiatives will cost". The "let's build prisons even though the crime rate in Canada is dropping". The "long form census intrudes on the privacy of Canadians" but "let's introduce legislation to spy on Canadians online without a warrant".

And now Stephen Harper's grand vision for altering every Canadian's pension -- except those enjoyed by retired members of government, of course.

Those are the big things. The Plebeians outside the walled city of Ottawa view these with contempt, disgust and more than a little astonishment.

And then we read about the phony citizenship-reaffirmation ceremony that the Tories couldn't even get right.

Is everything in conservative life a lie? Really, I'm asking. Is everything stage-managed and only has to be good enough to fool the fools watching it on TV? I realize that politics is opportunism personified. I've understood that since I was a teenager. But don't even a few people of conscience bumble into the whorehouse once in a while?

No wonder you want to attack the Internet with your "lawful access" legislation -- it allows us to see behind the curtain.

So, we've got Immigration Minister Jason Kenney doing the usual -- blaming underlings, claiming ignorance, didn't know about any of this until after the fact, but "urged Canadians to look past it".

No, I will not look past this. In fact, this debacle -- small as it is -- is absolutely illustrative of what is wrong with Canadian politics and the surreal biosphere known as Ottawa.

Because there are such charming details being revealed in this story: "'Let's do it. We can fake the oath,' said a Sun staffer whose name was blacked out."

That's awesome.

What's most galling is the conservatives' unambiguous antagonism of CBC and the Tories' distasteful connection to Sun Media and Quebecor, which receives an outrageous amount of money in government grants (while hypocritically attacks CBC for its funding model).

If you're unaware, a day after the Sun Media obscenity, the CBC ran an hour-long actual citizenship ceremony for 75 new Canadians, and it was a real.

CBC gets it right -- that's why the Tories hate it. Sun Media and Quebecor are willingly complicit in Tory photo-op schemes, hence the fraternity and fidelity both feel for one another.

I guess I'm writing to tell you that living outside the surreal myopia of Ottawa, these incidents look abominable. Makes me wonder, "Where are the fixes to our economy and health care and justice system within this conclave of idiocy and opportunism?"

And dare I ask, where is the honour?

Are there no adults in Ottawa? Stories like this make it seem like a gaggle of ten-graders are running amok in our nation's capital and are being caught every once in a while by the vice principal.

It's just amazing that the Tory approach to showcasing Canadian immigration is to fake a ceremony that I understand occurs with some regularity, adhering to some schedule, occurs with some advance notice. The Tory method is to fake first because, clearly, reality is too inconvenient and not conducive to the conservative agenda -- in all its thorned and fanged and self-righteous forms.

And if a government is willing to fake and lie to pull of a soft, feel-good journalism piece, that government is clearly willing and able to lie about more important things.

And I guess us Plebeians will continue learning about each debacle -- that is, until you pull the plug on our Internet, which seems to give you away every damned time.

Mendacity Unchained!

2012-01-06T16:46:00.008-05:00

An audacious master (alleged) criminal seems to have scored a spectacular checkmate against the Canadian Criminal Justice system.

Jamal Hazime, former owner of Big 3 Pre-Owned Auto Sales and 5 Diamond Motors was brought up on multiple fraud charges in October 2011, accused of defrauding customers by sticking them with higher car prices, finance rates and loan terms than agreed to and forging signatures on contracts.

But in an unforeseen move of strategic brilliance, Hazime asked the court for permission to return to his home country of Lebanon where his mother was said to be gravely ill. Under such extreme and extenuating circumstances, Superior Court Justice Richard Gates ascented to Hazime taking the trip provided he return to Windsor by November 3.

Incredibly, and in a turn that has set the Canadian Justice system on its ear, November 3rd came and went with no sign of Hazime returning to Canada.

"It staggers the imagination that a person brought into court on fraud charges might actually lie to the presiding justice," says Tink Husbandblood, a judicial assistant. "It's unprecedented and was wholly and entirely unforeseen that the defendant's request came from anything other than an honest desire to visit his ailing mother. Personally, I don't know where this leaves the Canadian Justice system if defendants can merely go before the court and fib."

Criminologist Meredith Hundorthia concurs. "I suspect some people who are not versed in criminal court proceedings in Canada will look at Justice Gates and wonder how he could be so easily duped. But what your average Canadian citizen doesn't realize is that lying to a justice is unprecedented. We've got stats going back fifty years and until this case, we've never seen a defendant lie in court. Hopefully that will put things in perspective."

It may for some, but not for all.

Gus Smokeberg, crime beat reporter retired from the Rankinford Pillager, seemed to speak for ordinary citizens who don't have any immediate connection to Canadian courts: "It's . . ." he said, spittle flying, his face reddening. "It's just beyond all comprehension that a Canadian justice could be so . . . so . . . so fucking gawdamned cunting stupid to give a defendant like this permission to leave the country! It's . . ." At this time, Mr. Smokeberg's eyes rolled back in his head and he passed out, falling to the floor, and required medical attention.

Emotions run high in cases such as this, where dozens of innocent citizens have been (allegedly) grossly defrauded by a defendant who appears to have escaped justice.

"It's probably just as well Hazime fled," said a lawyer who asked not to be identified. "It's not like he would have received much of a sentence. If found guilty, he'd be asked to pay back a small portion of the money he stole. At worst, he'd serve a short stint of house arrest."

So, there it is -- another giant shrug from the Canadian Justice system.

Is Stephen Harper going to sell Jasper National Park?

2012-01-06T12:45:00.010-05:00

Internet headline: Take Actions! Jasper is our national park not a theme park!.

Whenever I read balderdash in the news, I know where to go to get the unvarnished truth: my MP, [Mr. All-Canadian Hero for Democracy and Conservatism]:

I'm writing to ask you to please debunk this obviously false rumor circulating that the Harper Government seeks to privatize Canadian national parks.

In particular, please verify for me that Jasper National Park isn't going to be sold to American-owned Brewster Travel Canada.

No Canadian would ever consent to such a deal -- no Canadian worth anything would even consider doing such a thing! And since Stephen Harper is, indeed, Canadian, I'm positive he'd never even conceive of committing such a wretched scam against our beloved country.

The obviously bogus article cited above does have some pretty specific details, though: "Brewster Travel Canada, owned by a US-based company, wants to blast out the side of the cliff beside the Icefields Parkway to build the “Glacier Discovery Walk” – a massive infrastructure “skywalk”, and charge people who wish to admire the view."

Sure, that's what Brewster Travel Canada would like to do, but surely Stephen Harper would block such a thing -- with his own body, if need be!

Yet, there are some really specific details in this article: "December 16th, 2011 is the last day for public comment on the Environmental Assessment for Brewster's proposed Glacier Discovery Walk in Jasper National Park— a 400-metre walkway and massive glass-floored 'skywalk' extending 30 meters over the Sunwapta Valley.

"The stunning Tangle Ridge viewpoint on the Icefields Parkway would be privatized and visitors would have to pay fees ranging from $15 to $30 per person to access Brewster’s Glacier Discovery Walk. The remaining free public viewpoint would look onto the massive glass and metal structure, marring the natural canyon landscape — where today, mountain goats and sheep roam freely."

But again, no Canadian would ever consider such a disgusting deal, altering and blighting some of the world's most beautiful scenery, scarring and maiming a Canadian national treasure.

If anything, Stephen Harper would doubtless lash out against such a deal, against anyone who would propose such a devastating and disgusting venture.

I'm writing asking for details of how Stephen Harper plans to block this deal -- if it does indeed exist -- and how he plans to protect Canada's national treasures from other such molestation, exploitation and blasphemication.

Because, if I know anything about the Conservative Party of Canada, it's that they are all about Canada! Keeping Canada Canada. Battling encroachment and erosion of our national identity, our national territory, our national treasures.

So that I can spread the word about how the Harper Government is ensuring nothing of this kind could ever happen, please send me all pertinent details.

I understand that some people don't like Stephen Harper, and that's they're right. But I draw the line when Harper critics dream up scurrilous lies and defamatory scenarios painting our Prime Minister as someone who would even consider selling a Canadian national park to a private interest so that private interest could alter and monetize it.

It makes me sick even thinking about it, as I'm sure it sickens you, too.

Help me bring the haters to heel. Please provide me with the real facts on this matter.

Update

I have no doubt The Edmonton Journal is lying with this article: Jasper residents voice concerns about glacier walk project.

Canada could pay into IMF Europe fund, Flaherty says

2011-12-23T14:43:00.005-05:00

From CBC.ca:

Finance Minister Jim Flaherty says Ottawa would be open to paying into a bailout fund for Europe administered by the International Monetary Fund — as long as it was supported by the other G20 countries.

"There's some sense around the world that if at the end of the day we have to provide some help somehow, that we would not turn a blind eye to it because of the world consequences of the collapse of the eurozone," Flaherty said Thursday on CBC-TV's Power & Politics with Evan Solomon.

To my Member of Parliament:

Boy, are the fiscal conservatives of the Harper Government generous! Defunding programs for Canadians, seeking to privatize everything from prisons to water, and yet the Conservative Party of Canada is willing to pay into a fund to bailout Europe!

It's a Christmas miracle!

After all -- I can just hear the Conservative Braintrust argue -- we do live in a global economy.

Indeed, we do.

The Conservatives under the steady hand and steely gaze of Brian Mulroney signed NAFTA in the '90s, which sent jobs flying out of Canada like Black Friday waffle irons out of Wal-Mart.

Indeed, we do live in a global economy -- where nearly every product I buy in the course of living my life has been made in China. Where telephone customer service support has been outsourced en masse to India. Where even American companies run Canadian casinos.

We live in a true Kumbayah, global-village!

The oligarchs at the top of the world economy are in need of bailouts because the capitalist system hasn't taken kindly to their gaming and robbing the world markets. Such a terrible thing when one's cheating gets in the way of one's livelihood. Thank goodness there are good-hearted people like the Harper Government who'll pour Canadian tax dollars into foreign institutions that have been fleeced, robbed, mismanaged and essentially been treated as the expense accounts by the world elite.

Surely Canada must pay into the bailout fund -- there are lifestyles to be maintained! What would become of the casinos in Monaco if the Canadian tax payer didn't come through for the world's plutocracy?

The Canadian people got what they asked for when they gave the Harper Government a majority government. We wanted conservatism and we got conservatism -- conservatism meaning "all resources being mobilized to facilitate the lives and businesses of the ultra wealthy, to the detriment of everyone else with a networth of less than $5 million". That's what we wanted, apparently -- not me, or a majority of Canadians, actually -- and that's what we've got in the form of the Harper Government.

Such generosity! Take Jack Layton down as the patron saint of Canada. Place the laurel wreath and angel wings upon Finance Minister Jim Flaherty.

The Harper Government should immediately take over the Salvation Army, United Way, the Red Cross -- practically any and all charities that successfully raise funds -- and direct those much needed dollars to the bailout of Europe.

Otherwise, what catastrophe might ensue?

If the oligarchs aren't bailed out, they might learn that their corruption has a price and actions have consequences, and playing recklessly with world economies cannot be allowed to continue.

What a tragedy -- a Christmas tragedy, at that -- if the world's financial elite had to learn such a cruel and harsh (and conservative) lesson, particularly at this time of the year.

Let's hope the Harper Government does the right thing.

Conservative Party of Canada has one of many problems -- it hates Canadian sovereignty

2011-12-10T09:35:00.004-05:00

To my MP:

From The Star: "OTTAWA—Armed U.S. police officers will for the first time be allowed to operate in Canada along with the RCMP as part of far-reaching changes in Canadian-American border operations to be unveiled next week by Prime Minister Stephen Harper and President Barack Obama."

I'll never understand the Conservatives' hatred of Canadian sovereignty. I just don't get it. You fight and claw and lie ("The long form census form invades Canadians' privacy," cry the Conservatives, yet you want to spy on Canadians on the Internet -- hypocrites!) and pander your way into power only to fritter away the legitimacy of the very country you now lead. Even pirates know enough to tend the boats they commandeer.

And please -- please! -- don't give me any of this baloney about "terrorism" because any reasonably informed citizen knows that American foreign policy and all its underhanded, duplicitous and corrupt machinations is responsible for most of the current hatred of the US around the world. When you have unmanned American drones killing droves of innocent citizens and ally soldiers in far flung countries, that tends to sour people. When you have invasions of sovereign nations -- Iraq, for instance -- against the will of the UN, against all evidence that the country is a threat to the US, that hurts American credibility and reveals America's true, imperialist ambitions.

How long before unmanned drones are flying over Canadian soil? Really.

If we want a safer world, we need America to disengage from its wars of imperialism, bring all its troops home and work on its own domestic problems. Jeez, I miss the halcyon days of the basic "ugly American" who was merely rude and arrogant. This new "ugly America" that murders indiscriminately is an unacceptable strategic partner. I know, we're stuck with them as neighbors, and it's best to work with them, but to allow American law enforcement this unacceptable encroachment on Canadian sovereignty is a blasphemy to our country.

If the Conservatives are so damned sincere about their "law and order" stance, why haven't you had Dick Cheney or George W. Bush arrested upon entry to our country? Each them meets the criteria of "war criminal"; each has admitted to war crimes in their respective memoirs. We've departed numerous other war criminals from Canada since the summertime; a move I applaud. No, the Conservatives are all bluster on the "law and order" front, restricting yourselves to hunting down pot smoking slackers. Yeah, that'll keep Canada safe.

The Conservatives are selling out my country, piecemeal. Allowing this encroachment by American law enforcement weakens our sovereignty and insults every Canadian.

The long, dark con

2011-11-15T15:01:00.006-05:00

After seeing the above picture posted on Reddit.com, I wrote to the good people at http://www.answersingenesis.org who erected the billboard:

It's a historical fact that more people have been murdered in the name of Christianity than any other religion in the history of mankind.

If a person needs the fear of hell to keep them from murdering, stealing or otherwise breaking the law, then that person is deficient and flawed on a most fundamental level. The rest of rational society doesn't commit murder or thievery, or other crimes, because we simply know that it's wrong to do so.

The Christian bible is filled with genocide, rape, murder, adultery, bestiality, insanity and megalomania. It's the last text I would use to guide my life.

Even Christians, today, can't manage it, what with their seamless hatred of the poor, their "holier than thou" attitude toward pornography, hatred of gays, minorities, and their ubiquitous prejudice against anyone who is not of their denomination. That, I think, is the crowning turd of Christianity -- the unending infighting among its various sects. All proclaim to love Jesus Christ and serve God, and yet resent, hate and cluck their tongues at anyone who is not of their particular sliver of faith. How Catholics glower at Protestants, and how each Protestant cult sneers at the other. All the while, carrying out heinous acts in the name of Jesus -- whether it's killing abortion doctors, picketing soldiers' funerals, or sending the country's troops into foreign countries on "crusades" in the name of oil.

Or, better yet, those execrable televangelists: a shower of pimps, making money off the crucifixion of Jesus Christ like a Times Square hustler and his hookers.

And now Christians are placing billboards around the country attacking atheists who don't believe in fictional, invisible deities who speak to people in self-contradicting books.

Atheists are to be feared?

Tell that the people of Afghanistan. Tell that to the 1.4 million-plus people dead in Iraq. Tell that to the peasants of Honduras, who've been murdered in droves by monsters schooled by the good Christians at the School for the Americas.

I'll tell you, people don't call Christianity "the long, dark con" for nothing. To paraphrase the late comedian, George Carlin: Christians believe in an invisible man in the sky who sees and hears everything, but gives no indication of his presence, who watches and judges us, and if we displease him, he'll damn us to hell to suffer for eternity . . . but he loves us.

What utter, unmitigated, unadulterated bullshit.

Harper Government to spend $60 billion on new fighter jets for Canada

2011-11-09T19:01:00.003-05:00

To a Member of Parliament who tends to respond to all communiques with a combination of Hallmark Cards and the Ministry of Truth:

Quick word game. Which word doesn't belong in the list:

Canada
Responsibility
Sound Research
Jet Fighters

I know you squiggled your mouse arrow over "Responsibility", but the correct answer is "Jet Fighters."

I understand the Harper Government Brain Trust seeks to spend $60 billion on jet fighters for Canada, while cutting $200 million from funding for research and monitoring of the environment. I'll bet those Tar Sands people sure find those environmental studies tiresome, and I'll bet those Tar Sands people are very generous contributors to anyone who can make tiresome obstacles in their path to the bank go away.

Now, I understand that the current fleet of Canadian fighter jets have seen a lot of action over the decades, what with the attempted Libyan invasion of 1972, the Lichenstein air power grab of 1974 over Labrador, Russia's famous and brazen sneak attack of 1977. And who could forget Cuba's numerous attempts to attack Canada by air: in 1981, '83, '87, '92, '93, '94, '97 and '99. Of course, this is not to forget the 1967 attempt by Greenland to overtake Canada with its fleet of walrus skin zeppelins, thinking we'd be too busy making merry over our Centennial to notice. Oh, but we noticed. And handed their Greenlandic asses to them -- via our superiority in the air, of course.

All these acts of aggression are ingrained in the Canadian psyche. Aside from worrying just how badly the Maple Leafs will do in a given year, Canadians are obsessed and terrified to think from where the next act of air aggression will come.

Thank goodness we've got the Harper Government -- always thinking, always working the angles -- to rescue Canadians from their anxiety, having the heart and fortitude to spend $60 billion of our tax dollars on a gleaming new fleet of fighter jets. Not even President-elect Michelle Bachmann would dream of attacking Canada knowing those lethal gems sit at the ready on our soil.

Thing is, I may have my history a little wrong. I might have remembered one or two too many attempted invasions from the past. I did forget to mention the FLA Crisis of 1970 and vital role Canadian fighter jets played in suppression that attempted coup d'etat.

I might have my history a little wrong, but I've got my present sufficiently sorted out to know that the Harper Government is subverting nearly every Canadian virtue in its relentless campaign to make Canada "America North." Whether it's bringing a Prison Industrial Complex to Canada and forcing these ridiculous, proven-to-be-ineffective mandatory minimums to courtrooms around the country, to handing over border security to the Americans (US Attorney General Eric Holder was recently lavish in his thanks for that), to the splintering and hobbling StatsCan and now defunding our research and monitoring of the environment.

(Right -- you insult and slap-down StatsCan saying its long form census questionnaire invades Canadians' privacy, and yet in your Bill C51, you want to monitor Canadians' every move on the Internet. Conservatives thy name is Hypocrite!)

What I don't understand is if Conservatives hate Canada so much, why in the world do you remain. There are tons of little breakaway republics around the world; little theocracies still living in the 12th century, where I thnk you'd be very happy.

The only consolation to the abomination of your governing is that you're quickly reminding Canadians why voting Conservative is just not an option; why your flavor of conservatism should go the way of Brian Mulroney's PC party.

Harsh words in court have legal experts pondering how accused survived

2011-11-09T16:34:00.009-05:00

Canadian legal experts and court-watchers are in a state of shock and nauseated disbelief after a Windsor judge unleashed a seismic tongue-lashing on Ahmed Ahmed -- not to be confused with the other Ahmed Ahmed -- an offender who'd been caught by police with 3.9 grams of crack inside anus.

First, Judge Rawlins sentenced Ahmed to a staggering 30 days house arrest.

Next, Judge Rawlins compounded that devastating sentence with two years (24 months!) probation.

If this judicial one-two punch didn't already have Ahmed reeling, surely Judge Rawlins' coup de grace all but psychologically destroyed him:

The judge decreed that Ahmed is banned from entering Essex county for the duration of his probation.

Women fainted. Infants had to be rushed from the courtroom. Crown and defense attorneys brought their hands to their mouths as though ready to be sick. The bailiff -- suddenly pale and unsteady on his feet -- had to be escorted from the courtroom by his understudy.

This statement had other members of the court gallery reflexively reaching for the portable defibrillation device mounted on the wall. Others instinctively broke the glass on the wall mounts housing a fire hose and emergency axe. Anything to defend the defendant from this verbal onslaught, such a tide of venomous rhetoric that it was!

But Judge Rawlins was not finished with the spiritually diminished, quivering shell of a drug mule. She tersely added:

"What I want you to do is keep your drugs in Toronto. . . Detroit makes Toronto look like Toronto the Good . . . We don’t need to import people from other jurisdictions to bring drugs to Windsor. We have plenty coming across the border. Drugs, guns, we have it up to here."

"It was . . . too much," said Samuel Grimfall, a court blogger and advocate for criminals' rights. "Who could endure such a verbal assault? I believe Mr. Ahmed has a very clear-cut case for the Ontario Human Rights Tribunal. I'll testify as his first witness."

"I think Judge Rawlins should be arrested and charged with crimes against humanity," said a visibly shaken Sheila Goodnightbridge, former Liberal MP candidate. "She should be hauled off to the Hague and given a tongue-lashing of her own! See how she likes it!"

Still other court-watchers wondered how Ahmed physically endured such a verbal barrage.

Canadian judges, known far and wide for holding the very fabric of civilization together with their supple, pink hands -- so great is their power -- have a reputation for verbal ruthlessness when it comes to reprimanding drug dealers, rapists, murders and child abusers. Words like "disappointed" "riff raff" and "unconscionable" are used with startling frequency.

The question is: how does a mere mortal -- a human being not averse to tucking 3.9 grams of crack cocaine up his second major orifice -- survive a verbal vivisection from one of Canada's judicial titans?

That question will be debated for decades to come.

The only consolation in this monstrous display of power came from Ahmed's defense attorney, Neil Rooke, who said of his client's acceptance of this stiff sentence: "He was content with that. [The ban from Essex County for 24 months] was not an issue for him."

Well, thank Gawd for that! The drug mule arrested with 3.9 grams of crack cocaine in his anus was content with the conditions of his sentence.

Could you imagine if a convicted drug offender wasn't content with the conditions of his sentence?

Could you imagine what message that would send to the criminal community?

Southwestern Ontario might earn a bad reputation among the province's underworld.

But crisis was averted -- Ahmed was content. That's all that matters.

Unfortunately, Judge Rawlins remains on the bench, ready to perform another verbal courtroom autopsy on another unsuspecting suspect.

Technology helps broadcaster "take it to the next level"

2011-10-27T08:48:00.004-04:00

If you've ever listened to National Public Radio's show All Things Considered, you've heard the flutey, glassine voice of presenter, Michele Norris.

And if you've heard the voice of presenter, Michele Norris, you know that nobody loves the voice of Michele Norris more than Michele Norris.

She speaks like she's playing an oboe in her larynx; an oboe made of flesh; an oboe that would make you want to turn away if you ever saw such a one.

Well, Michele Norris announced yesterday that she's "taking a break" from All Things Considered.

She cited her husband taking a high-powered job with the White House as the reason, but Inside the Hotdog Factory has the inside scoop:

Technology has now made it possible for Michele Norris to actually make love to her voice, so she's going on hiatus to do just that.

First, she plans a whirlwind shopping trip to New York with her voice. Then she'll be off on a romantic getaway to the Caribbean with her voice, where she will woo it by candlelight and wow it by daylight upon the beach. Then Norris plans an extended tour of Europe and then India with her voice, no doubt indulging in some Old World VVO (voice-to-vagina orgies) along the way.

It has not been revealed just what physical form Norris' voice has taken at the behest of this new technology, beyond what we can guess: a crude, phallus-like object.

Michele Norris has refused numerous requests to speak on the matter, leaving us to ponder what romantic flights and flourishes she and her voice will engage in now that she's leaving All Things Considered.