Kali-Ma: the Dark Side of Paganism

Work Ethic & Personal Growth: A Disconnect in Western Society

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Thu, 08 Nov 2018 14:00:00 +0000

It's a problem I've been seeing for some time now - Boomers approaching retirement with a mix of dread and relief. Then, the big event comes. They retire!

And, within months, they are back working. Not because they "need" the money, but because they were bored.

Never mind the thousands of Gen Xers and Millennials who can't get that extra job to actually pay their bills now. Why would an entire generation refuse to be paid to not work? Why would they spend so much time waiting for retirement, only to throw it out the window after barely a long vacation worth of days at home?

Oh, fear not. I have a theory.

The Work Ethic

I've heard about work ethic from the time I was old enough to understand work. I've cared for children, broke donkeys to lead, ridden horses that were "probably" broke to ride, set traps on top of electrical poles, broken ice for animals' water, cleaned homes, and held down jobs while attending school full time.

Apparently, I don't have a very good work ethic.

Why? Because I still fall short on rent. Because I'm tired. Because three shattered bones in my ankle took it's toll on my ability to walk and stand for 8+ hours a day without serious pain. Because two kids robbed me of my flexibility in work schedules. Oh, and because, if I have to deal with all that, I want more than minimum wage.

I get it. My parents and grandparents (Boomers and older) knew that if you sold yourself off to the highest bidder as a young adult, you would be set for life. If you showed loyalty, you would be rewarded by the corporations. If you put in the time, you would get your dime.

Unfortunately, they forgot the songs of their own times.

This song has become the reality for an entire country. This is what the work ethic mentality has given us - angry, struggling people who bust their butts for a corporation that will never let them be free of debt and obligation.

But what does that have to do with people who actually did get retirement pensions and won't use them?

When Work Ethic replaces Personal Growth

I think that the Work Ethic concept was pushed so hard onto the Boomer generation, as well as older Gen Xers (though younger Xers, or Xennials, seem to have snapped out of it), that the general trend of those groups has been the fear of dystopian novels. We have people who are effectively nothing more than worker bees for the great machine of the Economy.

I know, I know. Them's fighting words. But think about it this way - if you never develop a rich personal life outside of working for a paycheck, and if that work doesn't happen to be creative or crafty but is routine, and this continues for 40+ years, what do you do with yourself once that work is gone?

If your self-worth and self-identity are associated with being a good employee for decades, can TV and movies, books and even travel fill that within you? What if you don't even know what the problem is? What if you just feel the need to work again? What if you feel unmoored without the Timeclock God telling you when to eat lunch?

If you never exist as an adult outside of the framework of employment, how do you tackle that at 60+ years old?

The Blessing and Curse of Younger Workers

In many ways, the problems caused by this work-centric, economy-as-god lifestyle of older generations has SAVED younger generations. Without the illusion that corporations care about us, we've never sold ourselves into the loyalty-based, indentured servitude that is the hallmark of the Work Ethic Problem.

Without the confidence that our jobs would take care of us for life, we've been forced to find meaning and self-confidence in ourselves, even when unemployed and underemployed. Without living wages, we've had no other choice than to engage with the world of gig-jobs at a creative level that would (and still does) break many people's wills - cuz it's hard to live with that kind of stress, always jumping from rock to rock to avoid the lava of personal economic destruction.

#NotAllBoomers

Look, I'm not saying all Boomers fell into this trap. In fact, I know many who didn't. Most of them are denigrated by their peers for being "hippies" or the like. But they know how to retire, even if many of them can't because they didn't buy into the corporate machine.

It is a weird and vicious trap where success is given at the expense of being able to claim the reward for that success. It is the original Hunger Games, where those who win still lose themselves.

The Solution

Ha!

If anyone has any ideas on this, I'm open. As far as I can see, the system is so built in with this lose-lose scenario (unless you are rich, of course - sometimes), that only a radical re-imagining of the economic system will actually fix the problem.

Honestly, I think the saddest part of this is that many people who can't get the same work-til-you-retire pipe dream would actually love to have that. But those who have, cannot appreciate. Those who could appreciate it, will never have the chance.

We have been put into the untenable and non-consensual position of exchanging servitude in a work-ethic society for forced personal growth, while watching those in servitude stumble over their own lack of personal growth. We need to work better on balancing bills paying with enjoyable hobbies, or there is no happy ending for any of us.

Mistakes, Guilt & Forgiveness: the Tragedy of Error

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Thu, 18 Oct 2018 13:30:00 +0000

Content Warnings: infidelity, sexual abuse

I have explored a certain kind of meditation in depth. Some call it Dark Night of the Soul; some call it the Inner Child or Inner Monster meditation. Regardless of the name you know it by, it is that frightening experience in which we face the dark, ugly truth of our own actions and pasts. If we stay the course, it can be a life-altering experience each time it is done.

I am also a follower of the Dark Goddesses: Kali, Skadi, Hela, Erishkigel, Baba Yaga, Sekhmet, Medb, Hecate, Persephone (the Queen), the Morrigan, Coatlicue. I explore the mysteries of life - not the happy verdant plants. I seek the mysteries of the mud in which the primordial soup was mixed, the blood that comes with both life and death, the body wastes that carry away toxins that could kill us and still might if we don't keep them buried or somehow taken away from our homes, the snot that keeps our delicate tissues from breaking down, the tears that cleanse our eyes of physical and emotional hurts. I embrace the stench of death and the crap of life.

So when I came across this situation, it intrigued me. (Names and details have been changed.) This is roughly how the tale was told to me by a friend, Victoria Pendler, a Welsh hedgewitch.

Brent is a big guy, the kind who prides himself on his strength. He is Heathen, antifa, and listens to his wife when she talks about feminism. With three kids, his family is his life.

Lauryn, the wife, had initiated several discussions about them becoming polyamorous, which ended when Brent changed careers drastically and Lauryn suggested their life was already too chaotic to pursue something as serious as the kind of poly relationships they'd been talking about. Brent agreed.

A few years later, Lauryn offered to let a friend of Brent (and acquaintance of hers) to stay at their home when she left her husband over emotional abuse. Within a few weeks, the other woman left, nearly destroying Lauryn and Brent's marriage, and making threats against the couple.

When I came in to help, I first listened to the story as they presented it. Brent was devastated. He'd believed he was pursuing a poly relationship possibility, but had made several mistakes along the way, including engaging in sexual activity before telling his wife that there were even feelings.

Lauryn felt betrayed because she had always talked about needing to discuss relationships beforehand due to being cheated on in the past. She believed Brent simply couldn't love her if he would so easily dismiss her and her needs in the situation, but she also couldn't believe that he was capable of such behavior. She said several times that she'd never once thought he could do this because of his own history with being cheated on.

I spoke to Brent about the situation in detail, and several things raised flags for me. When I asked him to describe the sexual encounter, he spoke of "freezing up," feeling pressured and desperate. When he explained that he had felt so guilty he'd immediately showered in very hot water, I asked him if the encounter had reminded him of his childhood sexual abuse.

At that point the floodgates opened. Brent had been molested by a family friend as a child, and the way that the other woman had approached him had been in the exact same, passive-aggressive, emotionally wheedling way that he had experienced decades before. In a nutshell, he had felt raped again.

Once we'd explored that, I pointed out that Brent's past did not excuse his behavior. It only gave us something to work with to restore his wife's trust in him, as well as something to address to prevent a similar situation from ever occurring, which seemed very important to him. He agreed that the realization didn't excuse him, and he vowed to work on his relationship and on his inner child issues.

Several weeks later, I followed up with Lauryn and Brent. They were doing well, communicating thoroughly. Brent had asked Lauryn to outline specific actions he could take for werguild (restitution) to her, and she had given him some assignments that focused on him getting to know her more deeply and taking on more of a controlling role in his own life, which I felt was an insightful move on her part.
However, Brent still spoke of the incident with a great deal of self-loathing and guilt.

I realized that he was stuck, blaming himself for not being strong enough to overcome his childhood trauma and stop the whole thing from happening. Having worked with childhood trauma and inner child situations before, I could see that his approach, while understandable, was sabotaging his ability to grow past his behavior as his wife and family needed him to do. He was trapped in endless loops of understanding but being afraid to take charge and change his behavior in a meaningful way.

Right now, we are working on getting him to the point where he can forgive himself. Since he is such a big fellow, he is seen as masculine, manly, and the like. He has internalized this perception, and feels that he should not be able to be victimized in any way. He seemed a bit shocked when I pointed out that his actions during and after the sexual encounter stemmed from him being almost desperate to not be seen as a victim, and that it had lead to the majority of the lies that Lauryn had been hurt by.

Brent's inability to forgive himself for being weak, traumatized, and only human is actually impeding his ability to NOT be weak and traumatized. While I had been concerned he might use his childhood as a get-out-of-jail-free card, instead he considered his trauma to be a sign of his failure as a man.

Brent has a long way to go, and Lauryn is still struggling with her own feelings about things, but they both need to forgive themselves for being effected by their pasts in order to move on in a healthy way.

I hope this story helps others going through similar situations. We cannot use our pasts as an excuse, but we also can't act like we are capable of dismissing any effects our pasts might have on us, how we react to situations, or how we feel about things. The emotional situation is ALWAYS valid. How we deal with it determines how healthy it is.

What You Do: Orlog vs Prosecution

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Thu, 27 Sep 2018 20:07:00 +0000

Once again, a woman is in the news for making an accusation against a man.

I say "in the news," but I mean "dragged through the mud." Statistics are difficult to get - how do you prove the consent of someone other than by self-reporting? - but generally fall between 2-10% unfounded. This is VERY low for false reporting of a crime, and isn't even restricted to intentional false reporting. "Unfounded" is a pretty vague definition that could mean anything from "not a legal rape" to "not enough evidence to pursue" to "the victim is not sure anything even actually happened."

So we are, again, having the discussion of how many women it takes to screw in a light bulb. The answer is, of course, dependent on whether the man's reputation might be besmirched rather than how such an action may have harmed the woman or women.

Many protests on the man's side revolve around the same old crap of "why did she wait?" This from people who hide spending sprees, gambling addictions, and even affairs from their spouses. People who keep hush-hush about seeing a therapist, wrecking their car while drunk, or having a kid that got busted for joy-riding.

Gee, I dunno. Why aren't you facing up the nasty parts of your life? Answer: Because it's uncomfortable and makes us feel weak or out of control. Compound a woman's choice to make an accusation like this with the sheer numbers that show that even reporting doesn't get much done and is likely to ruin the victim's life even more than the perpetrator's.

But, that's all nitpicking, because the war cry has been sounded: Innocent until proven guilty!

And I sigh, pick myself up and ready the same old tired explanation that is used in all of these situations, as well as when someone gets fired for being racist and the war cry is "free speech."

THOU SHALT NOT CONFLATE LEGAL CONSEQUENCES AND SOCIAL CONSEQUENCES

Free speech and the mandate of innocent until proven guilty are both intended to prevent the government, government entities, and tyrants/supervillains puppet-mastering the government from using the collective power of the government (specifically the executive branch) to oppress dissenting voices or violate freedoms with tissue-paper claims of criminal activity.

Neither free speech nor innocent until proven guilty is applicable to one's public reputation or how the free and individual citizens and businesses choose to react to that reputation, ie, örlög.

Quite frankly, it is frustrating that "I know they did this thing" isn't always enough. In fact, there are entire plots based on the loopholes that it can create (anyone remember "Double Jeopardy" with Ashley Judd?). But it is good that the word of a single person and no evidence is not enough to put someone in prison (theoretically).

However, your public reputation is not dictated by the rules of the US Constitution. And, as I've had to explain to my hubby recently, you don't get to pick what your örlög is. Your behavior and OTHER PEOPLE'S INTERPRETATION OF THAT BEHAVIOR is your örlög, for better or worse, fair or not.

Fair is when people accused of crimes, often by dozens of victims, are put out of positions of power, influence, etc. Not is when the victims are blamed and dragged through the mud, and the perpetrators get to resume their fame-based lifestyles after a few months off. Looking at you CK and company.

And who ever said life was fair?

Secrets and Sorrows

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Tue, 11 Sep 2018 15:50:00 +0000

Like most people, I have secrets, things I don't tell others, things about myself, my motives and madness. These are things that I don't talk about, but I'm lucky. I do a lot of introspection & self-analysis, perhaps more then most in Western society. I keep secrets from others, but not myself.

And now I'm sharing some of them here.

I'm often afraid that people don't like me. In fact, I'm more often convinced they don't then that they do like me.
I go through periods of time where I am deeply ashamed of things that make me "not mainstream."
I often wonder if I'm not just crazy when I do spell casting, energy work, or divination.
I sometimes think I am a legitimately horrible person. This is especially when I've been hurt/betrayed, and especially ironic because people often tell me I'm one of the nicest, most honest people they've known.
I sometimes remember and fret over past transgressions - that I have done to others. It can be as simple as accidentally cutting someone off in traffic.
I have no idea what I'm doing sometimes, and most people can't tell the difference between those times and the times when I totally know what I'm doing. Occasionally, I use that to my advantage, such as it is.
I'm pretty sure I'm messing up my kids. I try, but I often feel like I'm just never going to be good at being a parent. And if you say I am a good parent, I immediately think of at least ten examples of why you are wrong, but you will never know about them.
I'm also pretty sure I suck at being a daughter and sister. I just can't go all in like my family seems to expect. I don't have enough for that. It makes me sad.
Sometimes I hate my life. I have things I regret not doing, including being the good Midwest Catholic girl I was supposed to be. I wonder what would have happened if I'd stayed with what's his name from the Christian group instead of dating the evil ex who tried to convince me he'd sold my soul to a demon.
I have had some weird things happen to me. I know I come across as a normal person with a normal background, but I've had psychologists in shock over some of the things that have happened to me.
I actually don't start much drama in my life. Instead, I seem to be a kind of energetic catalyst. Once I show up, things start to change. I swear, I was just sitting there playing solitaire.
I've never practiced my energy work. I've never "worked up" to a skill in energy work. I decide to try things and, most of the time, I just manage to do them. I usually tweak some things to fine-tune the process, then I move on. So, no, I don't know how to show you how to do that.
I feel sad sometimes, about what people are doing to each other. Not anyone specific, necessarily. Just in general. It feels like disappointment, like being let down. It started when I was in high school.
I once was a cutter. I was also thought to be bipolar. Most people thought I would end up self-medicating when I was in my very early 20s.
I don't like pot or alcohol. I have enough trouble keeping my head on straight, and those substances knock me askew. However, I don't judge people who do enjoy it.
My greatest desire is to have someone else be in charge. Unfortunately, I am often put in charge because I am really quite good at it. But I hate it. But I also have a strong sense of responsibility. I hate that, too.
I feel really self-conscious about how people might read this post. Will I be seen as egotistical? Narcissistic? Whiny? I don't know. I should go hyperventilate now.

Feel free to share your secrets in the comments, or message me. No judgment, I promise. Pinky swear.

The Nine Noble Virtues: a Modern Take - Self-Reliance

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 13:00:00 +0000

This means that we like to take the Libertarian road, where we would all do just fine so long as we were left to our own devices. But that's not how humanity has ever survived. We are horrible at being on our own.

Did you know that the top two factors in surviving in the wilderness are 1) being able to create fire, and 2) having someone with you? Even one other person can be the difference between life and death. So why would we need self-reliance?

Because self-reliance doesn't mean going through life alone. It has more to do with not being what is often referred to as a "sheeple." (Read Ralph Waldo Emerson for more.)

That's right. This isn't about growing your own food and building your own homes. Barn-raisings were a thing, and for good reason. That's a lot of work, and many hands make it better.

But if you don't think for yourself - understanding the group's mindset, but still looking at it critically - you are just a mindless body for the society. Mindless bodies don't make history. Mindless bodies don't make a society grow. Mindless bodies don't call out injustices and point out logic holes.

Thinking for yourself, being able to use your mind as an individual, makes you an invaluable part of any group. It doesn't replace the group, and the group doesn't replace it. Society isn't a machine, needing virtually identical cogs to function. It is a living, growing - dare I say enlightening - structure that should be promoting growth from all of its members.

Growth doesn't come from conformity. It comes from being slightly different. Small mutations in genes lead to new species. Small mutations in thought lead to new ideas, inventions, better ways of living... and, of course, STORIES!

Because stories feed us in ways that cannot be explained by biology. Stories feed our souls, and new stories are not created from static thinking.

So be self-reliant, not in some crazy, build-your-own-roads kind of way (unless that's what you really want...). Be self-reliant in that you consider ideas in your own way, you look at messages from the media and political propaganda with a critical eye. Those things that you've been fed by social conditioning? Think about them again, and be your own self in your beliefs.

The Self-Satisfaction of Social Failure

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Thu, 09 Aug 2018 21:38:00 +0000

Nothing feels quite as good as doing good. And we love to see the stories of good-doing on social media. But these feel-good stories have a darker side to them.

Cop with Cancer Refuses to Stop Working; Dozens Donate their Sick Days
Radio Station Buys and Forgives Medical Debt
Cop Buys Interview Outfit Shoplifter Tried to Steal
Cop Buys Groceries for Hungry Shoplifter

People raising money for a family who lost their home. People raising money to help someone with medical bills. People doing good things for people... who should never be in need in the first place.

There is something to be said for going out of your way to help people. But there is more to be said for a society that allows so many to be in distress in the first place, particularly when it is stuff that isn't really their fault.

If someone's house burns down due to a forest fire, if a person gets cancer or heart disease, this does not mean they somehow deserve their situation. We are really good at looking at this people as somehow causing their own problems when it comes to making policy and creating social structures, but they are unfortunate victims when we can participate in saving them.

And that's the problem. We have created a society where it is encouraged to be charitable, but shameful to need charity. We have created a situation where our system makes victims for us to help and save. Just hope you don't end up as one of them, which is far more about luck than effort.

I have spoken before about Hospitality from a Heathen perspective, and I feel that it is as much a value to our social interactions to give others the opportunity to be charitable as it is to be charitable.

First, we need to get past, as a society, this self-congratulating perception we have of "help" and "charity". While heroes are nice, wouldn't it be better to create a world with less need for heroes?

Lammas: Settling Down and Celebrating Self

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Thu, 26 Jul 2018 23:08:00 +0000

This post is also available HERE.

Each Sabbat brings with it a special meaning as part of the wheel of the year. The journey through the seasons is not just a physical one, but also mental and spiritual.

As we approach each Sabbat, we can grow with the seasons when we know the lessons each one brings us. This series explores the Sabbats' spiritual meaning in the context of modern Pagans.

Lammas is the time of year when we stop pushing the gas pedal. We aren't really slowing down, but we stop the energetic acceleration that began in the spring.

We begin to look forward to the more relaxed and introspective schedule of the dark half of the year, but we know we have some loose ends to tie up first.

This first harvest of three is a good time to look at what is growing in your life, what has borne fruit, and what needs to be pruned or cut out to keep the rest of the harvest healthy. It is also the time to begin celebrating your successes and gains. You've worked hard to make a plan and carry it out.

When those first grains give you a taste of the benefit of your efforts, you need to celebrate for it. Celebrate yourself for your work. Celebrate the gods for their aide. And celebrate the world we live in for everything we manage to accomplish.

It is important for us to celebrate, and even congratulate ourselves for, our accomplishments. We sweep so much of our work and efforts under the rug because it is just doing what is expected. But that minimizes us as effective and active participants in our own lives, and minimizes the energy we expend to improve our lives and the world around us.

This Lammas, take the time to celebrate you and what you have done. You deserve it.

The Nine Noble Virtues: a Modern Take - Industriousness

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Thu, 12 Jul 2018 13:00:00 +0000

The problem isn't that we are lazier. We just have more efficiency, but with the same idea of what it means to work hard. Industriousness needs a redefinition, and this is my suggestion for that.

Industriousness is doing what you can in the current social system with your resources. It is acknowledging that intellectual and managerial work is just as valid as physical work, and vice versa. In many ways, it also means understanding the ways that work and production and income have grown, sometimes in vastly different and opposite ways.

Industriousness is about making yourself a part of a successful local and larger economy, improving the lives of those who are dependent on you and interact with you, and instilling your values of a productive life on those who come after you.

This can mean a person who works two jobs to support their family, but it can also mean the spouse/partner who stays home to keep all the balls in the air on that end. It can be a blue-collar worker who sweats through their shift, or the HR manager who makes sure employees are paid and treated fairly. It can be the loyal worker of 40 years, or the protesters who urge governments and companies to respect that loyalty.

Industriousness has become more complex as our society and economy have grown, but the value of working for the betterment of your kith and kin has not.

The Error of Following Your Bliss; and Other Misleading Spiritual Tropes

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 13:00:00 +0000

If we choose the right career, we will make enough money. The evil cousin of that being "Do what you love; the money will follow." I've given that advice before, and now I can admit that it doesn't always work out that way.

There is a problem with the soundbite advice that stems from love'n'light spirituality. And I'm here to break it down for you.

It's Black & White

You either feel the love, or you don't. You release your anger, or you let it consume you. You follow your bliss, or you whither into a hopeless shell, a cog in some faceless corporate machine.

The thing is, life is in grayscale. You can feel loved one moment, and have moments of insecurity the next. You can be fulfilled in a job that isn't quite your ideal. You can allow yourself to feel anger about things that deserve your anger.

Life should be about the ups and the downs. Your feelings should not be static, they can pendulum over the happy medium, swinging to one side before returning to the calm center.

There is Privilege Involved

This mindset often suggests, or outright states, that your situation is your own making. This is not only harmful to those who have had traumatic experiences, and those who are born differently abled, it is also contradictory.

If I am fully in control of my life, and my actions harm another person, but they are creating their own situation by their mindset, who is responsible for the harm?

Obviously, if I am the one acting harmfully, I am, but the positive mindset culture frequently shames or simply implies that it is the victim's fault. The psychology of narcissism and psychopathy both show that compassionate, loving and forgiving people are often the targets of such behaviors.

Love is not a Panacea

Let's just give that one up now. If love where the solution, there would be much less abuse in the Pagan and Buddhist communities. Yet we struggle with abusers, too. The 70s had cults and communities based on love and trust... and stories of abuse have surfaced from several of those as well.

As nice and clean as that would be, we are supposed to honor nature, and...

Nature isn't really very Nice

Predators kill prey. Blood begets life. Some of the worst tragedies to descend upon humankind has been Nature, from floods and volcanoes to earthquakes, hurricanes, and even diseases.

If we want to honor Nature, we can't ignore that Nature's next earthquake isn't going to be loved into a gentle shake. Things happen that we cannot stop. Genetics mutate. Birth defects occur. And the people effected shouldn't be told that they "created their situation".

Back to Business

We may love to do a certain kind of job, but there are other factors that can interfere with that being a realistic life model.

First, just because we love to do it, doesn't always mean we have the skills. The passion? Probably. But passion is only a driving force.

Second, the part you love is only part of the whole thing. You may love gems, but that doesn't mean you know how to run a gem shop. The idea that you can follow your bliss to wealth doesn't hold up when you realize your passion doesn't extend to the bookkeeping portion of the program.

Third, the market probably isn't too concerned with what you, the individual, are passionate about. Ritual clothing for pets can seem like a good idea (yes, you can use that), but that doesn't mean that enough people want their puppy in circle with a merlin-esque beard to be able to pay your rent. Even in mainstream economics, studies show that the number one indicator of a successful business is... timing. That's right, the luck of having the right idea at the right time. And that's why most businesses fail.

Pictured, me with $2k

Fourth, your passions don't necessarily mean you have the resources you will need. I really wanted to start a retail business. To open a storefront, I discovered I would need, at minimum, $20k, just to get through the first year. Pro tip: if you are reselling other people's goods, you don't have built-in collateral to get a loan. Passion doesn't mean you'll be able to get the money or resources.

So We Shouldn't Follow our Passions?

I'm not saying that at all. Being passionate about what you are trying to do can keep you going when it gets hard. But it will not dissolve all the obstacles you may face. If you have a solid plan, the resources to get started, and a realistic idea of the work involved, do it!

The problem isn't relying on passion so much as relying ONLY on passion... and blaming a lack of positive thinking for failures. 90% of businesses fail in the first FIVE years. Positive thinking may not prevent that.

On the other hand, it may be what gets you back up on the horse to try again. And that is a good place for positive thinking.

Letting Go: Mourning the Right Decision

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Tue, 29 May 2018 13:00:00 +0000

We like to think of things as simple. If we choose the right career, the bills will get paid and vacations will be possible. If we find the right life partner, the birds will sing us awake in the morning and we will fall asleep with the sounds of love and laughter in our ears.

But life is not clean and straight-lines. It isn't fluffy clouds and rainbows. And, most of all, it isn't simple.

At the deepest level, we want our decisions to be clear. We want to make the right choice and feel the rightness. We want weights to be lifted from our shoulders. We want a smile to creep across our faces with how right we were.

Right decisions should make us feel good. But they don't always. Sometimes, we are faced - with an impossible choice and, no matter what path we choose, it won't feel good. We will still need to mourn the death of that other possibility.

I once lived in a house with a great bedroom. My bedroom had a 3/4 bath attached. My bedroom had a (non-functioning) fireplace. My bedroom had a closet under the stairs, so the ceiling - and even the closet door - had a severe angle in it. My bedroom had a broken doorknob, so I could take the doorknob with me as a kind of lock on my bedroom door.

When we moved, we moved to a farmhouse. I picked out my bedroom, which had a vent through which I could see down into the living room. Even better, I could listen to the movies and TV shows my parents watched after I went to bed. My brother and I could pack up snacks in a back pack and roam the large hills in which this new home was nestled. When the rotation was right in the summer, the mooing of cows would wake us too early and set us on our adventures. We touched electric fences, stared down bulls, climbed to the tops of the tiny mountains around us.

The choice to move was a good one. Never for one moment did I think it was the wrong choice. Yet, as we packed up to move out of my bedroom with it's angled closet, 3/4 bath, and broken doorknob, I cried.

Looking back, I see the wisdom that my 10 year old self had in that moment. Even when it's the right thing to do, you may still need to mourn the path you did not take.

I have made a decision. I have several dreams for my life. Most of them are possible to do at the same time, but I realized that dividing my time and resources as they currently are will result in neither of them being fully realized.

I have to give one of them up to let the other come to fruition.

It's the right choice that I've made. I am also pretty certain that I will eventually pick the other dream up again. In the meantime, I am sad.

I'm sad that I had to make the choice. I'm sad that I can't carry both dreams right now. I'm sad that all the work I've put into the dream left behind has been, well, left behind. I am sad, but I made the right choice.

We need to allow ourselves to give vent to the negative emotions without worrying about whether it's appropriate to HAVE those emotions. Emotions are always appropriate. Behaviors based on those emotions are a different story.

Let yourself mourn the right choice. You can be scared when you move. You can be sad when you had to cut a toxic person from your life. You can feel guilt when you can't afford to help someone out.

These feelings are okay. Feel them. Honor them. Then move on with your right choice.

Dark Night Demands: Pressures and Misunderstandings about the Dark Side

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Tue, 15 May 2018 13:00:00 +0000

I am very good at understanding where my emotional baggage comes from. I'm pretty darned good at figuring out where others' emotional triggers stem from as well. This is a handy little talent that I use to help myself and others work through their Dark Side stuff, the messy, muddy junk we need to face, deal with, or even just acknowledge in order to move forward to become the best version of ourselves we can be.

That's the whole goal - the best version of myself. I've been doing this on and off (more on than off) for 20 years, consciously. I'm not exactly a slouch, but I'm also the first to admit that this is not a destination goal. This is about a journey of constant self-improvement.

And sometimes, there's pain. Sometimes there's heartache. Sometimes, on this journey, you stub your toe, or get a cramp, or strain a muscle. Sometimes, you sit down and have a cry.

When this happens to me, my husband annoys me. Don't get me wrong - he thinks I'm awesome and sexy, always right and pretty darn perfect. He's great 99% of the time, but he always asks me why I feel the way I feel.

I'm sure you are asking "geez, why would that be a problem?" And you have a bit of a point, but the issue is that there are assumptions about that question.

Me: I just feel really down and kinda like crap.
Hubby: *fully aware of all issues due to financial stress, extended family drama, whiny children, having major deadlines coming up, etc* Why do you feel like that?
Me: *shooting him an are-you-kidding-me look* Just... never mind.

See, the problem there isn't that there isn't an answer, or I don't want to face the answer, or any of the usual traps in working with the Dark Side. The problem is that the answer is a million straws on this camel's back. And none of those straws is a problem that can or even should be given that kind of focus. In fact, they are all being addressed as they can be.

The problem is, there's a kind of taboo on letting oneself feel cumulatively crappy. Feeling bad is only as valuable as letting you know what to fix (or letting hubby know what to fix for me). And that is a problem.

I can deal with the individual issues, just like I can carry several boxes at once. If I pause to catch my breath and let a frown show on my face because the boxes' edges are cutting into my hands, there's a certain understanding. That stuff is heavy and things can suck without being deal breakers. Sometimes you just cuss a bit while suffering through it.

We don't give ourselves permission to do that, emotionally. If I feel overwhelmed, I need to change something. If I feel depressed about money, I should get another job (or cut back on my imaginary daily coffee at Starbucks). If I'm a little depressed from the stress of constantly reassessing my ever-changing schedule due to adding deadlines, running errands, or dealing with kids, than I need to scrape my plate clean.

The problem with that is, I don't need to change something. I don't need to get another job. I don't need to scrape my plate (except for after supper). I am dealing with my life. I'm just stopping to readjust the boxes. It doesn't mean I should leave my things by the side of the road rather than keep carrying them.

Those kinds of black-and-white, hyperbolic solutions are a huge problem in the spiritual community. And it's completely unrealistic.

If you don't love it, throw it out. - Ha! Buh-bye taxes! Sorry, IRS, I just didn't "love" doing that kind of paperwork.
Anger is a hot coal that burns you not the other person. - I will not apologize when someone tells me that I don't know what I'm talking about because I'm a woman under the age of 60 (as if those people give 60+ women respect either) and I get steamed because of it. ANGER IS A SIGN OF A BOUNDARY BEING VIOLATED, NOT A FLAW!
Think happy, be happy - Think rich, be rich. Think healthy, be healthy. All those "if you think it, you will be it" things are only 15% correct. Yes, there's something to be said for taking a breath and faking confidence until you feel it, or singing upbeat songs to lift your mood. HOWEVER, it is sold as a panacea for all your ills and neither your landlord nor fibromyalgia gives two brown logs about your happy thoughts.

Interestingly, science actually supports the idea that we should give some vent to the minor frustrations in life. Pain is reduced when you cuss, as anyone who stubs their toe on that stupid coffee table knows. Naturally, there is a difference between letting yourself sit down and feel/experience the crap that you feel, and wallowing in negativity.

So the answer is, I just feel like crap, sometimes. And that should be enough.

Beltaine: Celebrating the Fullness of Life

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Tue, 01 May 2018 13:00:00 +0000

This post is also available HERE.

Each Sabbat brings with it a special meaning as part of the wheel of the year. The journey through the seasons is not just a physical one, but also mental and spiritual.

As we approach each Sabbat, we can grow with the seasons when we know the lessons each one brings us. This series explores the Sabbats' spiritual meaning in the context of modern Pagans.

Beltaine is the time of year when we celebrate the fertility all around us. But fertility doesn't just mean producing biological offspring.

We, as humans, produce many things. We have the minds, the drive towards technology, the ability to create in the most awe inspiring ways. It is this that is the spark of the divine, and celebrating fertility means celebrating that spark in all its forms.

Whether you focus on raising children or organizing activities, whether you create works of art or craft items both beautiful and practical, you are manifesting the Divine Mother, the fertile earth, the Seed of the Wild God.

It is important for us to remember that even the most basic of activities can be divine. We can be founders of companies, making changes to honor the others in our work, or we can be "burger flippers," contributing to the conveniences that nourish our communities as we push for even more in our world.

How do you honor the divine in your work? What dreams of fertility do you hold dear?

The Nine Noble Virtues: a Modern Take - Truth

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Thu, 26 Apr 2018 17:00:00 +0000

The only thing we can do is to discover our own Truth. This isn't as easy as it sounds, either. We all have a shallow idea of truth, but it isn't until we do the work of self-reflection and self-awareness that we learn our deeper Truth.

And, in case that isn't tough enough, we must also learn to understand (though not necessarily agree with) the deeper Truth of others. Only then can we know what we stand for, and what we will stand up for.

Truth is very much entwined with courage. It takes strength of mind and self to be able to dig deep into our beliefs and our selves to uncover our Truths. It takes a fortitude of spirit to stand up for what we believe is right in the face of people defending, sometimes violently, their own beliefs.

Recently, I was faced with an opportunity to stand up for something. Even those who believe the same as I do didn't necessarily agree with the standing up part. While I admit I was emotionally exhausted and unable to make a good showing, I still stood up for what I felt was right.

Sometimes, you don't get praised for doing what is right by your Truth. Sometimes, others don't understand, either because their Truth varies just that much from yours, or because they don't have the courage to take the actions that you do (or vice versa).

The part that sucks is knowing that, to a certain point, all of these things are valid. But you don't owe anyone the compromise of your Truth, just as they don't owe you the same. Any re-evaluation must be for you.

Odin knew the power of Truth and the importance of constantly seeking the Truth. He was the Wanderer, walking the worlds for years to learn about different peoples and beliefs. He knew the value of speaking the truth, and of withholding the truth when necessary.

There is value in all knowledge, and in understanding others, we know more about ourselves.

And that's the Truth.

Ostara: a Time of Growth

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Mon, 19 Mar 2018 13:00:00 +0000

This post is also available here.

Each Sabbat brings with it a special meaning as part of the wheel of the year. The journey through the seasons is not just a physical one, but also mental and spiritual.

As we approach each Sabbat, we can grow with the seasons when we know the lessons each one brings us. This series explores the Sabbats' spiritual meaning in the context of modern Pagans.

Ostara is the Spring Equinox, straddling the line between the cold Winter nights and the warm days of Spring and Summer. While Imbolc brings the light to the year, the warmth of that light takes a bit longer, welcomed by Ostara.

This marks the time when we need to get serious about getting things planted. If we haven't started yet, the time is coming soon. Seeds should be sorted, plots of land mapped out - the future depends on whether we plant the right stuff to harvest and eat in the winter.

This applies to our metaphorical seeds, as well. Soon, we will no longer be trapped indoors by the weather. We will be free to do all the activities we need to. The days are still getting longer, giving us more time and energy to be active.

What "seeds" are you preparing for this year? What plans do you make?

A Pain in the Pain: Intellectualizing & Erasure

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Tue, 13 Mar 2018 13:00:00 +0000

Pain comes in many forms and several degrees. There is physical pain, emotional pain and combinations therein. Most doctors have a handy little pain chart so that people can express the levels of pain that they feel.

Yet many chronic pain sufferers note that medical staff will often downplay their pain, as if the person feeling it - literally the only person who can feel it and, thus, assess it - doesn't really know how it feels.

We see the same thing happening with emotional pain. Lost loved ones, break-ups, betrayal - people frequently hide their pain to avoid someone telling them "it isn't that bad", or worse, comparing it to a similar event in their own lives.

Here's the thing, experience and the nuances of bodies and relationships automatically means that there is no way for you to know how another person is experiencing their pain. Period.

If someone lost a grandparent, and you lost a grandparent, maybe they had a close relationship that makes their pain different. Maybe they regret not having a closer relationship. Who knows? Not you.

If someone exclaims that what they feel, physically, is the worst pain they've ever felt, why would you say that's not true? Maybe you have broken a bone, as well, but was it in the same spot? Do you both have the same sensitivity to pain due to numbers of nerves, myelination, how close pain receptors are to the damaged part? Do you have the same pain experiences to base the "worst" on?

I'm going to say no.

We like to do this. We compare and contrast what we see in other people against what we have actually experienced for ourselves. And we judge them, usually with the bias in favor of our own experiences being "worse." Like it's some kind of sadism competition.

I've done this myself in varying degrees, but sometimes, the situation is a socialized one.

I have to admit, when videos started up showing men "experiencing labor," I laughed as hard as any woman. Why? Because I've spent my entire life with men comparing various injuries to labor, as if repeatedly tensing every muscle in your body tighter than you ever thought they could clench to push out a baby could somehow compare to... anything else.

It bothers me because, while women are often portrayed as fragile, sensitive and overly emotional, they are also seen as being flawed in experiencing their own bodies. If people are fragile, doesn't that mean they really DO experience more physical pain? If people are emotional, doesn't that mean they really DO feel more emotional pain?

An article recently declared that doctors have "admitted" that women can experience menstrual cramps at the same pain levels as heart attacks. I turned to my husband and said "This is why women don't know they are having a heart attack; they are used to that level of pain."

What I didn't say is that they are also told that the level of pain many women experience on a monthly basis is also something they are humiliated for. Why would anyone admit to that level of pain after years of being put down, ignored, or bullied for experiencing? Wouldn't you blow off the pain of a heart attack too?

Emotionally, the situation is parallel. If someone is sensitive, they are often humiliated or bullied over it. If they complain, we say things like "I went through the same thing" or "you just need a thicker skin." Then society doubles down on this by arguing that (mostly) women need to leave abusive partners.

I guarantee most people on pain medicine
wished a massage would fix it.

Dude! They've been told all their lives to put up with it, and now you want them to suddenly know better? Dude...

We also tend to bully and humiliate and shame people who take medicine for pain management, prioritizing controlling drugs over finding solutions to the addictive nature of our most effective pain drugs, prioritizing "more spiritual" treatments over pills, and shaming people who just can't deal with something they are experiencing but that the shamers are just guessing at.

As there are millions of gods and goddesses representing millions of nuances of emotions (love, sex), actions (war, protection), ideas (truth, honor), and more, we need to HONOR the emotional and physical differences in people's experiences and perspective of pain. We need to stop making it about what we THINK, and start making it about what they FEEL.

The Nine Noble Virtues: a Modern Take - Discipline

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Tue, 27 Feb 2018 09:21:00 +0000

The Nine Noble Virtues are a modern invention, so it seems my title is redundant. However, little seems to have been done to bring the concepts themselves from the past into the present.

I do not consider the NNV to be a historical reference. I do consider them to be a modern way of understanding cultural and even subconscious values that were stressed, if not perfectly, by those peoples lumped together as Norsemen.

This series will explore my thoughts on these values and, hopefully, start conversations about them in a modern context.

Oh, great irony, that I am talking about discipline now. I've put off working on this post for a week now, and I'm working on it now to avoid my editing work. But now that I've acknowledged my own procrastination, it's only fair to point out that procrastination is a self-esteem issue, not a discipline issue.

But what is discipline in this modern world? Is it something of a military structuring of one's life? Is it punishing children until they behave? Is it that ethereal concept of Will? I don't believe it is any of those. Or maybe it is connected to all of them, or they are connected to it.

Discipline in the world of the ancient Norse lands would not be any of those rather solid concepts. I think the best way of translating the idea into modern lingo would be the word "adulting."

I know, I know, but bear with me. In the past, being disciplined would have consisted of self-starting, often at or before the crack of dawn, to take care of a variety of animals and domesticated plant-life. It would have meant that you had to be aware of your environment to avoid dangers and to actually see what needs to be done - no drifting through life half-aware. It would have meant troubleshooting issues as they came up, using practical solutions rather than the disposable, throw-money-at-it methods we often use today.

It would have meant crawling up on the roof to replace thatching, even if you just didn't feel like it that day. And you had to pre-plan for that to have the thatching ready to put in place. It would have meant that even when you thought you had done enough work, you still had more to do.

Got kids? You still need to clean house and cook food. Got a sore foot? Too bad the fields won't plow themselves. Toothache? Doesn't change the fact that goats gotta eat, too. Tired? Well, a nap here and there isn't too bad, but best not get a reputation for sleeping half the day away.

To put it into a modern perspective, we are a bit spoiled, though I argue that we do deserve the benefits we have. We go to a job that is often laid out for us. We are told what to do and how to do it, and we get compensated for that. Then we go home, and therein lies the problem.

See the 8-hour workday, 7-day workweek was NEVER intended to be lay-about time for us. It was specifically so we would have time to do the work of family instead of putting in 18 hours for a boss. But now, we forget to do the work of family. We need to be disciplined.

That discipline can mean so many things. Perhaps it is taking the time to save and invest money wisely to allow for the future prosperity of your family. Perhaps it is doing repair work around the house, or paying someone else to do that (both are equally valid as money represents time and effort that you've already put in, plus you economically lift another in their job as a plumber, etc.).

Perhaps it means going to a food bank or filling out forms for benefits that your family is eligible for but you don't desperately need. We tend to wait until we desperately need "charity" before we use it, but that increases the chances you will need it longer because you fell farther into need before making changes. If we looked at these things more as a parachute and less as the ambulance waiting for us to hit the ground, we could recover from life's little hiccoughs faster. (Check out my post on Hospitality for more on this!)

Discipline means that your wants and wannas, your feelings and hurts, all take a backseat to the reality of what needs to be done for the betterment of the family. Discipline is doing things in spite of your immediate desires in order to meet long-term goals.

Downgrading from a smartphone to a flip-phone for two years to save money is discipline. Making a budget is discipline. Learning to cook so you can cut food costs is discipline. Even consciously making a choice that has an immediate negative effect on your family's finances so that someone can get a degree or certification that will have a long-term positive effect on those finances is discipline.

And, today, discipline is getting back to my editing.

What do you think of my assessment of this virtue?

Emotional Labor: Power and Energy

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Mon, 12 Feb 2018 14:00:00 +0000

There's been a lot of discussion in regards to emotional labor lately. I figured I would put in my two cents.

Emotional labor is a situation in which one person is regularly aware of and responsible for dealing with the mood and behavior patterns of another person. Now, in most cases, this ends up simply being aware of whether somebody is in a bad mood and probably needs to talk.

This is what happens when you have a relationship and the (usually) woman ends up dealing with most of the emotional burden in terms of communication. And more extreme situations this is a major confluence of both societal pressures and intersectionality.

Let me explain. Women tend to bear the burden of emotional labor. This is not because men are not capable of doing so. This is because women are socialized to this behavior. However, I believe that it is less likely that it was decided somehow that it is a woman's job to deal with emotions and more that it is a result of the power differential between women and men.

Extreme cases emotional labor is a is a form of hyper-vigilance. Hyper-vigilance is one of the most common results or symptoms of abusive situations. This isn't to say extremely abusive situations. Any abusive situation will result in hyper-vigilance. Things such as bullying, harassment at the workplace, any kind of hostile power differential situation will result in hyper-vigilance.

Hyper-vigilance in this case is when a person becomes focused on and extremely aware of another person's micro-expressions, body language, mood changes, behavior patterns, etc.

In the vast majority of the population, you have white hetero, cis-gendered people. Roughly half of this group has a significant historical and societal power differential over the other half; that is, men have had social power over women. Because of this, women in general are a huge, often suppressed or abused group. The level of suppression or abuse is, of course, widely variable.

It would make a lot of sense that the general power over women creates a general feel of being abused within women, which would lead to a general hyper-vigilance among women towards men. This is a really long way of saying women bear the burden of emotional work because of our minority status. We are trained by our historic suppression, oppression and abuse.

This is observable in other groups with major power differentials. You see it in LGBTQ+ when encountering heterosexual or unknown identifying people, and there is a period of feeling them out before they feel comfortable revealing any clues about their sexuality. Essentially they become hyper-vigilant unless and until the person that they have encountered shows themselves to be safe.

You also see this in terms of racial groups. Many people of color have tried to explain that they become extremely vigilant, extremely aware of the underlying moods and energy, when they're in white spaces.

In many ways, we see the same thing in terms of religious groups as well. Pagans and other minority religions are far less likely to discuss their religion, their religious practices, etc. in a public space and in front of Christians who have not shown themselves to be safe.

Christians on the other hand literally feel comfortable throwing religious language around to the point where, if somebody calls them on it, they consider that to be an attack on them. I can't tell you how often I've been told that someone will pray for me or that they hope that God blesses me etc. in a non-religious situation simply because the Christian and question was comfortable expressing their religion. In fact, they're so comfortable discussing their religion, they go door-to-door to actually do just that.

In a lot of ways. this explains why so many of these conversations about discrimination, prejudice, and other abuses are so difficult. One group tends to be so hyper-vigilant that they tend to immerse themselves in the situation. The other group never actually even has to think about it.

The major issue doesn't arise, however, until the group that doesn't have to think about it reacts with the topic even just being mentioned with denial, defensiveness, or "counter attacks." They become so blind to their own social power that they consider anything but superiority to be an attack.

What does this all mean for Pagans?

If you find yourself in a situation where you are the majority group, take a moment to evaluate the emotions and energy around you. What is it like? Can you feel the tensions around certain people? In relation to certain people?

Are you supporting minority groups when they have to do the extremely uncomfortable work of calling people on things or are you one of the defenders of the majority? Why have you aligned yourself with the group you are supporting?

Remember, we wouldn't attack a rabbit for being afraid of wolves. We wouldn't say, "but I'm a good wolf, not like the others." We wouldn't "#NotAllWolves". We acknowledge that there is a reason the rabbit is afraid. If we want the rabbit and the wolf to be friends, we support the rabbit in taking smalls steps of trust. We don't shout down the rabbit for being "racist" towards wolves. And we don't hold the rabbit responsible for the wolf's feelings.

So why do we do that for people?

The Nine Noble Virtues: a Modern Take - Perseverance

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Tue, 23 Jan 2018 14:00:00 +0000

For Fun and Profit

We keep moving so we can enjoy life within the context of the social structure we live in. Yeah, there are cheat codes and work-arounds, but having a bit of cash makes a lot of things possible.

I have a few life mottos to keep me and my loved ones on the path of doin' stuff:

"Never give up, never surrender!"
"Just keep swimming..."
"Honey Badgers, attack!" (My family is the Honey Badgers, particularly the kids. Hubby is Snorlax.)

Aside from the warm fuzzy feeling that these phrases give me, mostly in remembering the movies they are sourced from, they also reinforce this idea that we have to keep moving.

Keep Moving

For some reason, my husband seems more confused about adulting than I ever was. Specifically, about how frustrating it is to clean the house, do the laundry, catch up the dishes, pay the bills... and turn around to find you need to do it all again.

I frequently express sympathy for the kids, who I've just assigned chores to AGAIN, by saying "I know, it just never ends." I do this because it is true. The trash was taken out yesterday and needs taken out again tomorrow. That's just how that works. Four people wearing clothes and taking baths with towels - laundry always needs done. I make my epic meat sauce for spaghetti - pans and plates need cleaning.

And it isn't just that.

Keep Doing Better

We have to keep improving our situation, at least to a point. We want to be able to afford better quality, healthier food. We want to be able to travel for fun and business. We want the kids to be able to go to camps (and not stay home all summer to drive me nuts!). And we want to be able to afford medical bills and insurance, since both of us freelance our work, so insurance will have to be through us.

I keep a mental tally of the bumps and bruises and aches, prioritizing medical treatments like some kind of psychopathic triage. And I know I've had close to my limit of stress in doing this for the last 5 years. So I add my mental health to the list... at the bottom, of course.

The point is, doing okay is just that - okay. And that's just fine, but it isn't where we want to stay. We want to help the kids pay for college so they don't have the burden of 30 years of debt like we do. Maybe we can help them cut it down to 10 years.

Things Fall Apart

We hit our bumps. Hubby's gig ends a week sooner than expected. They don't direct deposit, so checks have to wait another three days. Things get pushed out and pushed back in anticipation of a break that falls through.

We've all had crap happen. It just does. Life isn't fair. Chores never stop. And, in our current social environment, we always need a certain amount of money, so we have to keep working.

That's just how that works. Give up or get it done. It's a marathon, not a sprint. That's perseverance.

Eat the Horse

Hubby is particularly fond of DBZA, and quotes this scene A LOT.

So if you lose your battle, get back up and eat that horse! At least all these quotes will keep you laughing while you persevere.

Goddess Worship and Feminism: a Plague of Hypocrisy

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Mon, 15 Jan 2018 23:35:00 +0000

I am disappointed in someone.

That's not much new for me. I have a lot of optimism and hope surrounding the people that I don't hate on sight. The more I get to know them, the more I see the epic awesomeness they could be. This leads to a certain amount of disappointment when they don't live up to their potential, but more often because they don't even try.

This is a very brief description of a very nuanced set of experiences for me, so don't assume you get it from those few sentences. It will be better for everyone involved.

My recent disappointment is but one of a series revolving around a single general concept - Goddess worshipers (ie, Wiccans, many Pagans, etc.) who actively speak out against women's rights and, in particular, the issues surrounding the #MeToo movement. For those of you living in a cave, I'm talking about people who don't support women having more justice in sexual harassment, abuse, assault, etc. cases.

Yeah, I say women, but only because it is disproportionately women. Men get attacked, too. Men also represent 98% of perpetrators, so I'm going to keep this simple and assume that a perpetrator is male.

Skadi got a divorce cuz her
first hubby didn't allow for her needs.

If I get another #NotAllMen comment, my head will blow up. 98% is not a statistic of kinda-sorta. It doesn't even break out of the +/- range of uncertainty. Fortunately for us, this statistic is based on reporting, so it really doesn't have an uncertainty range. 2% of women are douche-canoes, too.

Here's what my issue is.
Many Wiccan (mostly) men (mostly) worship the Goddess (TM). Great! Awesome!

Unfortunately, it ends up being a semi-sexual relationship of holding the ideal feminine as the only feminine with value.

Oh, yes, I said it. I could go into a background and history, but I'm a Midwestern gal, so I'm going full-on redneck with some

You Might Be A Hypocritical Goddess Worshiper If:

If your default position is that women are likely to lie or exaggerate about being assaulted or attacked or harassed...

Some Goddesses are the Divine Mother;
some will destroy your world. Both are
"real women".
If you are concerned that women having the power to get justice for assaults will negatively affect you or your life...
If you believe that women are "bad" if they react to an accidental grope/brush/bump "excessively"...
If you have called a woman a name that implied a sexual or physical judgment of her in a debate or argument*...
If you feel that apologizing to a woman for an accident is worse than her being the recipient unintentional or accidental touching of her breasts, butt or other "second base" body parts...
If you feel that apologizing would give a woman power over you...
If you believe that your intentions for a situation trump any experience a woman has in that situation...
If you think taking responsibility (ownership) for your actions doesn't include accidental violations of another person...
If you think taking responsibility (ownership) for your actions will somehow mandate punitive measures...
If you think that a woman's past experience, whether distant or immediate, MUST be shared and understood by you before it can mitigate whether she has the right to an emotional reaction...
If you think your intentions in a situation should be more important than a woman's past experience, whether distant or immediate, in how she feels about a situation...

No one ever taught "fuckability
of subjects" in art history...
If you think that your intentions in a situation should give you immediate, verbal and enthusiastic forgiveness for any unintentional violation of a woman's body...
If you have ever said, thought or typed something like "you aren't helping your cause" during a discussion about women's rights, sexual assault, etc...
If you have ever behaved in action or word as though a woman should not question your trustworthiness because you are connected on social media or through mutual friends...
If you have ever told a woman "I would never fuck you"** or otherwise reduced a woman with a position/opinion on a topic to having value only if you would be willing to have sex with her...
If you have ever thought or made a comment about a woman's negligence in preventing her attack/assault/harassment, WITHOUT making a conscious effort to refute or walk-back those thoughts and/or comments AND attempting to derail such thoughts in the future***...
If you have ever said or thought that someone was not a "real woman" because of their opinions, appearance, sexual preferences or activity, career choice, behavior, gender assignment at birth, or anything other than their own self-identification...

Even the Great Mother isn't always what
the generic images portray.
And, perhaps the most controversial one - If you have expressed or behaved in a way that indicated that the sacredness of a woman or the feminine was solely or primarily about their sex, sexuality, reproduction, or appearance in relation to any of these things...

So, what do you do if you suspect you are a hypocritical Goddess worshiper? It's really easy. Shut up and listen to the conversation. Think about what people are saying, and not just from the (white) male perspective. How would you feel if you endured what women are talking about? How would you want it resolved? Work on applying the things you've learned TO YOUR LIFE. The best thing you can do to support women in your life or in this world is to #LearnBetterDoBetter.

Please feel free to comment more "you might be a hypocrite Goddess worshiper if..." items!

* If you think I'm wrong about Universal Healthcare, that still doesn't make me a slut. And, yes, this "clever comeback" is something I literally experience several times a month - it just doesn't happen to me that often.

** I can guarantee that, unless we are on a dating site and actively flirting, having sex with you is not something I'm considering. At all. Your penis is not and will never be the focus of my interactions with you. I would appreciate if you would stop thinking about my vagina.

*** I acknowledge that this is a visceral reaction with a steep learning curve. This only partially excuses it. Victim-blaming is always wrong.

The Problem With Integrity

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Tue, 02 Jan 2018 14:00:00 +0000

“With integrity, you have nothing to fear, since you have nothing to hide. With integrity, you will do the right thing, so you will have no guilt.” - Zig Ziglar

This quote was waiting for me in my in-box, like a crouching panther about to attack.

I get it. I sometimes look for the simple tales - the one with the black hat bad guys and the white hat good guys. The ones where the good guy always knows what to do and it’s always right. How simple, how pure such tales are.

I can’t write them. It’s not like I don’t know how. That’s how children’s stories go. It’s a basic plot with characters who are iconic. Dare I say, archetypal?

I guess it would be more honest to say I won’t write them. To explain why, I have to unpack everything I find wrong about the quote above.

“With integrity, you have nothing to fear, since you have nothing to hide.”

First of all, this assumes that hiding something is counter to having integrity. But that’s not the case. I can’t spill my entire life story every time I meet someone. Or even every time I befriend someone. I can’t wear my life on my sleeve. That’s called oversharing.

And it means there will always be things you don’t share about yourself. Some of that may include bad behavior you’ve since grown out of. And sometimes, it just doesn’t mean enough to you to share with other people. That is, you forget about it.

This also assumes that things that you hide are all things you don’t want other people to know about because of nefarious reasons. That’s bunk. Sometimes, I’m just embarrassed, like when I can’t walk on ice because I’m a clutz. Sometimes, it’s an issue that I have that no one needs to know about, like how ice sends fear shooting through me with thoughts of pain and death because I slipped once and shattered my ankle, and sat in the snow screaming for help at 5 am. Life changing, yes. Something everyone needs to know about? Probably not.

Fear isn’t just about what people will think of you or how they will judge you. Sometimes fear is the primal reminder that we are mortal and may have brushed up against death at some point.

“With integrity, you will do the right thing, so you will have no guilt.”

I have got to move to B&W world where these quotes come from. Just because you have integrity, doesn’t mean you automatically know what decisions are right. Gods, that would be awesome! Evil things would never happen by accident. Bad stuff would never be an unintended consequence. It would all be by choice, making those who caused bad things to instantly be the bad guy.

Life doesn’t work like that, and realistic writing plays with the grays. Good people make bad choices, and no amount of integrity can change that.

However, people with ego and a belief in the strength of their own integrity will actually believe that they cannot make a bad choice. If their actions have a negative and unintended consequence, they will blame it on the victim (“she must have deserved it”) or on someone else (“look what you made me do”). To these people, there is no need to feel guilt or apologize for accidental or unintended bad things. If fate put you in the way, you must have earned that negativity somehow.

I could go on, evaluating the way that this quote extends into social mindsets, like meritocracy, and the pros and cons associated. But I should keep this short, and that would be a thesis-sized project.

My Strong Opinion on Strong Opinions

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 15:28:00 +0000

I've noticed something lately. It may not be a new thing. It may be something that has just only recently crept its way into my consciousness. But I find it annoying.

People like to comment about things. That's great. People have the right to have passions and to express their opinions. Those things together (plus cat pics and the meme of the day) are what social media is all about. More power to you!

What I find annoying is people who have strong opinions about people having strong opinions.

I was listening to the radio today, and the announcer was having a near-aneurysm over the fact that people were upset. The details, though unimportant, are that Nutella changed its recipe and didn't tell anyone. Apparently, the company did research to show that the change wouldn't affect the product in any discernible way, but people still noticed.

Okay, so maybe not something that most people care about. But Nutella fans are PASSIONATE about Nutella. I am not, but I can see why.

Also, if your research says no one will notice, but your customers notice... Well, there seems to be a logical fallacy at work here. Maybe the fallacy of thinking your rabid customer base is the same as a bunch of randos picked up off the street. Just saying...

The point is that this announcer was having a conniption over people complaining about what he called a minute change. He admitted that he, naturally, doesn't have a preference or dislike for the product, but he was certainly going to take 10 minutes out of our day to tell us why having an opinion about this was stupid.

You know what's stupid? Telling people who are passionate about something enough that they have an opinion that their opinions are stupid and useless. Shaming people for liking something enough to notice an undisclosed change. Suggesting that being upset about a favorite food changing is the same as being upset about one of the many political crap-storms that have gone on in the last few years.

Oh, yes, he did. He said "Isn't that what we're supposed to do now? Be upset about stuff?"

Seriously?

I couldn't help but think that this same guy, who I've heard wax passionate about some fantasy football happening or another, would birth an actual cow if his favorite team changed their jerseys to a new color. He would pop a blood vessel in his brain if a sports league decided to change the title of "coach" to, I don't know, "field manager".

To those of us without a passion for sports, those changes would be eye-rolling at best. But when you have a passion for something, the details can and do matter.

My point is, maybe, if you don't have a strong opinion about something going on, you also shouldn't have much to say about people who DO have a strong opinion about it.

And, yes, this applies to the Craft, too.

Just as people shouldn't tell you whether you can be upset about Nutella, or Oreos, or your favorite brand of underwear, no one should tell you how to feel and practice your religious and/or spiritual path. YOU are the one passionate about what you do. You are the one who gets to say what is or is not right for you.

Generally, I think people should keep more of this kind of opinionating for the sake of opinionating in their own heads, or at least on their own porches.

The Nine Noble Virtues: a Modern Take - Courage

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Mon, 16 Oct 2017 13:00:00 +0000

Weighing your options

This is the tough part, because literally no one can tell you how much risk to take. If you have a boss who's racist, you can't necessarily tell them to shut up if you have rent to pay and a family to feed. If you are a minority, you may not be able to stand up against discrimination in a safe way.

Even online, women are doxxed and attacked and threatened more than men. I imagine the same is true for racial and LBGTQ+ minorities. Diving into various discussions that will likely turn hostile can have actual, harmful consequences.

At the same time, I'm sure there are many who use that as an excuse to not stand up for people being discriminated against. There are some who will live their lives more intimidated by possibilities.

And the hard part is, ONLY THEY CAN KNOW WHICH IS TRUE. More often, they haven't done the introspection to know, but I certainly can't make that call for them. Neither can anyone else.

The first step in courage is knowing the truth behind your motives. Is it because the threat is really too much? or is it because the threat is too frightening? Until you know, you can't know that you act with courage.

Using your advantages

I am a woman, which makes me a minority. But I am also white, cis, hetero, and (at least to casual appearances) financially stable. I am well-spoken by the accepted social standard of such a thing, and I am well-read with a healthy background of knowledge.

This all gives me some huge advantages in a conversation. I am usually not dismissed or degraded because of my gender identity (at least not until I've pissed off a broflake), and I come across as an average American woman.

Because of this, I can get into conversations that others may not be able to, either because of knee-jerk discrimination or outright hostility. I dive into debates about rights and truths for minorities that aren't me. I get into debates with casual racists, and homophobes/transphobes. The haters let me begin these conversations because I am not one of THOSE. I am more like the hater, so they give me some leeway to get into it.

I use my advantages as a weapon for those who don't have the advantages, but need the fight. The fact that these fights don't personally affect me IS MY WEAPON. I could sit on the sideline. I could sit there and talk about vague philosophies with my white children. But I don't. I start fights.

Standing up for others

One of the questions I see so often is, How can I be an ally to XYZ group?

Stand up for others.

We see videos passing around social media of racist bigots punching someone because they didn't like their skin or their language. We see men drawing guns in public places because they didn't like that the dark-skinned person standing in line behind them... was just standing in line behind them.

Every day, people yell the "N" word at people of color, telling service people of color to "get out" of the country they risked their lives to protect. Every day, LGBTQ+ teens are kicked out of their homes for being themselves, openly. Every day, people make jokes about slavery or "being gay" or disabilities. The list goes on.

Those of us who are not the "other", who want to be allies... we are the ones on the receiving end of a racists nudge when they say a murdered black teen "got what he deserved, the thug". We get the wink when people make comments about "no homo". We get the side hug/friendly jostle when someone implies that a "man in a dress" is incompetent or a pedophile.

We can give the polite response - an uncomfortable, forced laughed with a quick change of subject.

Or we can put the haters in their place with a well-placed "why on earth would you think that that disgusting idea would be a good idea to say out loud to me?" We can shove away the nudge/side hug, give voice to the horror in our minds, and tell that person that they made a mistake thinking they could get away with being like that in your presence.

Stand up for others. Make it uncomfortable for haters to voice their hate.

It's not right, it's a right...

"Oh, but if they aren't allowed to voice their beliefs, it'll..."

What? What will it do?

People have weird and inappropriate thoughts ALL THE TIME. Parents imagine dropping their kids. Spouses consider how easy it would be to smother their snoring partner. People have the brief idea to crash their car into the overpass while driving down the interstate.

It happens to nearly everyone. It happens so often, the French (bless their grim little souls) have a phrase for it: l’appel du vide - call of the void.

WE DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT THE FILTER. In fact, we shouldn't be encouraging this unfiltered life. Have the COURAGE to stand by your boundaries, for your own behavior and for others'.

Don't TMI All Over the Place

We can be honest with ourselves without forcing the oddities of our own minds onto others. We can be true to ourselves without spilling every little idea out of our mouths with no regard for how our words affect others. And we don't have to accept that others can say whatever they want without consequences. That's literally not how that works.

BELIEFS DON'T HAVE TO BE SHARED. And some of them shouldn't be shared.

Case in point: I believe that people who don't maximize traffic flow should get a point against them. After so many points (quite a lot, to be sure), they should have to defend themselves or be executed. Okay, I really only believe this when I'm out driving around, but... Wouldn't it be fun if I kept bringing that up at parties?

NO! That's why I have this lovely little fantasy that I keep in my own head. No one else needs to know that I wish death upon so many. It's irrelevant because neither I nor anyone else should be able to force that kind of thinking on society.

But that's what we allow with bigots. That's what we allow with the -ISTS (racists, misogynists, anti-semetists, etc). We let them spew their unfiltered BS into the world like it's right.

Not A right. Just, right. But it's wrong. Just because it isn't illegal doesn't mean society should allow it.

The Dark side of Mental Illness - Abandoning those who need us to keep ourselves clean

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Sat, 26 Aug 2017 13:00:00 +0000

Many people have seen the video of Sinead O'Connor in the past week. This raw and even heartbreaking expose of her motions and of her situation brings to light mental illness.

More importantly, it brings to light the way we look at mental illness. Specifically, the way we attempt to distance ourselves from it.

Mental illness is hard. It is hard to live with. It is hard to have. It is hard to watch.

In many ways, it is just as hard to deal with somebody in your life who has mental illness as it is to be someone who has mental illness. The difference is, one of those people gets a choice.

Many times it is easier to push people away rather than deal with the issues that they themselves suffer from. We decide that somebody is not worth the extra time and energy that we would need to invest in them.

The major problem here is that what seems like self care from the person who can push somebody else away, is also abandoning a person who is suffering from mental illness. It is a fine line to walk. And it is a hard decision to make.

When you know someone with mental illness, you need to determine if you are self care of pushing them away and of neglecting their care is more important than the help and support that they need from you. Each person in their lives has to make this choice. But the person with mental illness, they have to live with those choices.

Helping someone with mental illness is part of Shadow work. And Shadow work is difficult. The problem is when people decide that the shadow work is too difficult, and they wash their hands of it.

Well that may be a valid choice for some, it is not a valid choice for all. And we each need to take responsibility for making that choice when we are in that situation. We need to acknowledge what we are doing when we choose ourselves over someone with mental illness.

Shadow work is never done by washing one's hands of an issue. It is done by facing those issues that most people wash their hands of.

Energy of the Eclipse

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Tue, 22 Aug 2017 01:07:00 +0000

I'm a practical sort, but I do feel energy and communicate with spirits. Yeah, I know, this puts me in an odd place where I'm both believer and skeptic. Oh, well.

Today's eclipse was a rather unique opportunity for me. Because of where I live, I didn't need to travel to see the totality. Score! My daughter's school provided eclipse glasses for any parents who wanted to show up to watch with the kids. Double score!

So the hubby and I went off to the school and got our glasses and watched the eclipse from a spot a little off from everyone else. Just how the introvert in me likes it.

The first thing I noticed was that my stomach was all a-flutter. I was happy to see the eclipse, but it wasn't really an excitement thing. Why would I be reacting this way? I finally realized what it was and I turned to hubby. "It feels like the energy before a big storm." He agreed.

There was some cloud cover where we were, which was a bit disappointing. We saw only bits and pieces of the moon moving over the sun. Still the energy was weird, restless, like something coming, like a struggle.

When the time came, the school's principal announced to the kids "glasses off!" By that time, it had gotten dark, cold and windy. Crickets were singing and street lights came on.

And the clouds broke.

Even before I looked up to see the light-limned blot in the sky, I could feel the change in the energy. It was harsh, powerful, indomitable. I stared up at the sun, the symbol of the Seelie, Fae Court of Summer, and I watched the Winter Court parade across it.

The Wild Hunt, restrained for this show to all mankind, strode across the land in the shadow of the moon over the sun. Mab and her retinue looked down upon us as if to say "This is my power. This is a reminder."

Then, too quickly, it was over. The sun peeked out again, with a show of rainbows on the clouds. The temperature raised several degrees, and a full expression of Summer brightened the day.

I took a deep breath and, as the kids trailed teachers back into the school, we left. My stomach roiled and my legs were rubbery, just like when I do big energy work. We spent half an hour grounding before we got back to a semblance of normal.

I didn't do any spell-work. Having never experienced a total solar eclipse before, I can't imagine how I ever could have been prepared for the energy of it. It was like expecting a breeze and getting a hurricane.

My Response to "Violence is not the Answer" in Protests, Pt 2

noreply@blogger.com (KaliSara) — Sat, 19 Aug 2017 22:48:00 +0000

This is continued from another post... HERE.

Why should we not take the high road when protesting hate?

Simple answer: Because we have the high road as an option.

Not so simple answer:

The high road is still available to people who don't agree with the VBH (Very Bad Haters) who oppress and suppress entire populations of people for a multitude of reasons, primarily (but by no means exclusively) the sins of being born with A) genetics that are less European than they find acceptable, B) a sexuality and/or orientation that is not cis-het, C) not a penis.

We can still fight it. We can still do this. We aren't in the midst of an actual military war, which is where we (the whole damn world) ended up when we (the US) ignored Germany's VBH takeover of Europe for YEARS. Let's not repeat that SNAFU.

Code what?

Most organizations that have a code system (green, yellow, orange, red) have stuff that they do BEFORE it gets to code red. The goal is to NOT get to code red. But here we are talking about things like they are code mellow-yellow, when oppressed minorities are telling privileged folk it's more like code burnt umber. If you don't think violence belongs in protests, you are probably not one of these groups being murdered or tortured on a daily basis. Just saying.

Silencing Voices

This means that by not acknowledging how very bad and even desperate it is (because we may not be experiencing it ourselves - privilege defined), we are actually SILENCING the voices of those who most need us to hear them.

At war

Additionally, outside of the whole military conflict aspects, this is a war. A social war. It is a fight for rights, and people are DYING. Literally dying. (Let me google that for you - ran out of words to link.)

This is a war, and wars produce veterans. And veterans carry scars, both physical and psychological.

Why do we thank veterans for their service? Because they suffered brutalities of battle on behalf of those who couldn't, those who wouldn't, and those who came later.

The truth about heroism (hint: it's shadow work)

We want to believe that because our cause is just, we can accomplish our goals with no collateral damage, no injury to innocents or innocence, no lasting scars because we are on the side of right.

THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS.

This isn't an epic fantasy with a hero would comes out unscathed. We will be damaged. And we will be heroes, not because of adherence to some stupid code of honor that has us facing the same crap villains time and time again (looking at you, Batman). We will be heroes in a way that cannot be ackowledged, because it is too damn dark and depressing.

We must fight this fight with fists because it WILL damage our souls. We must fight this fight because by doing so, we step up and take the bullet that would spread and damage other generations. We step up when we don't have to and take SOUL DAMAGE so as to give those already oppressed a little respite.

This isn't white light and unicorns, people. This is the fact that the ones who fight the good fight usually don't make it out okay - be it physically, psychologically or spiritually. We are injured in the fight, and it's worth that injury to still fight.

That's why it's hard. That's why it's heroic. That's why it's shadow work.