2 + 2 = 5

2012-02-12T19:01:00.000-05:00

Nah, don't have the heart...

I had a couple of Whitney jokes ready to go, but really, it's just sad.

And to make things worse, there's a family conflict; apparently, some of her family wanted an open casket, but Bobby Brown wanted a closed-casket funeral.

So in honor of Whitney, they decided to give her a little crack.

2012-01-29T10:57:00.002-05:00

8 Bits O' Nevsky - My Top Five of the Year

Ah yes, I know I'm a bit late with the "best of 2011" lists that every videogame website with a budget of over $50 has put it out, but look at it this way, you've seen the rest, now look at mine!

Of course, with my relatively limited budget, I've only played a handful of the games released last year, but still, looking at this list, I can't help but think that you, the reader, will find that I'm exactly right. So let's get crackin'!

5) Mortal Kombat

I've said in the past that I love fighting games even though they don't really return the favor. And even the fighters I find most fun to play invariably retire to the shelf after I hit that sticking point. My limited dexterity and refusal to buy game guides mean once I've reached that level of competence, I'm not going to get many new experiences after a while.

Still, good ol' MK lasted quite a bit thanks to the developers' decision to take what was in effect a freakshow spectacle and turn it into an actual fighting game. So while you still had the ludicrous characters, idiotic dialogue, and demented pseduo-torture porn settings, there was also something actually worth learning and playing.

And don't think I didn't appreciate having the moves listed on a pause screen rather than have to figure them all out through GameFAQ.

4) The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

This fall there seemed to be a glut of "10"s handed out by gaming magazines, scores usually reserved for games truly groundbreaking and trendsetting, such as Mario 64 or Grand Theft Auto III. Skyward Sword and Uncharted 3 were given 10s so casually that I can't help but wonder if my relatively low placement here stemmed from the mild disappointment I felt when I first played them. Uncharted 3, so far, seems to be pretty much Uncharted 2 with wonkier controls (and I'm not sure how that happened). Skyward Sword, however, has grown on me rather pleasantly, but I'm finding its charms not to be in the much-hyped motion controls (because you still waggle as crazily as you did in Twilight Princess) but the fantastic level design and the surprisingly fun story.

3) Portal 2

I can't argue with anyone who called this their game of the year. The three-hour original was practically perfect in every way, so multiplying that experience by five and fleshing out the story and puzzles while maintaining that ridiculously high mark of quality was something I was afraid could never happen in a million years. So fuck me, they did it. On top of that, the co-op puzzles with my like-minded friend were simply fantastic and perhaps my single favorite gaming experience of the year. Even complaining about the nominal drawback seems so petty I feel like a shit for mentioning anything, but if there is a difference between this game and the two others listed below, it's that I haven't felt the need to revisit this world having completed it (unless even more DLC is on the way). But this is the one game on the list that everyone who has a console should own, period.

2) Dark Souls

Basically, Demon's Souls sold me a PS3; I'm the sort of person drawn to perverse curiosities, so when I heard about this game that mercilessly kicks your ass every step of the way, I had to try it. I wasn't disappointed in the least, either. And save for the lack of novelty, Dark Souls is an improvement on the franchise in every way. I understand why RPG fans would hate it; in a lot of ways, I find Dark Souls to be more analogous to Resident Evil 4 than any role-playing game. It's survival horror with more options. But these options are what gives this game such replayability. Oh sure, you get your ass kicked, but if it was just headbashing against a wall, even I'd give up. But there's always a new weapon to try, a new spell to acquire, a new upgrade to achieve, a new discovery you made about that enemy's attack pattern, a new reason to go up against that giant monster that just two-hit killed you for the thirtieth time. I've put 60 hours into this game and I'm guesstimating that I'm about halfway done. The world is so fantastically deep and detailed that you can't wait to get back into it, and the pants-shitting terror you feel as a new villain jumps you is just a bonus.

1) Mass Effect 2

AHA! The PS3 version of this game came out in January of last year, so this technically counts! Everything I loved about the games above is here in bucketfuls; an expansive, detailed world that was a sheer joy to explore, a narrative that compelled you to play just to find out what happened next, strategic combat that got your heart rate through the roof yet required you to think, and well-written characters that actually made you care about the responses you gave. Goddammit, I know I COULD have played as a "Renegade" and still cultivated the loyalty my shipmates showed to me but I DIDN'T WANT TO! Two playthroughs as a Paragon, and that's the Shepard I'm carrying through to ME3.

And how can you hate on this?

2012-01-22T17:59:00.000-05:00

Has the world gone mad?

I thought Steven Tyler was fine; he sounded like the lead singer from Aerosmith with a voice husky with age. I actually was listening to it and thinking to myself, "Hey, not bad."

It was a helluva lot better than Cristina Aguilera's mangling...

2012-01-21T11:39:00.000-05:00

I'm just burning doing the Newt-tron Dance...

I don't know if the predictions that Newt is going to win South Carolina by a decent margin are testimony to Romney's incredible unbelievable shittiness as a candidate or the South Carolina GOP's complete divorce from reality.

Probably a little of column A, a little of column B...

2012-01-17T09:52:00.001-05:00

It's a feature, not a bug...

This Congress just finished its most unproductive year, ever. I'm sure electing a bunch of do-nothings whose job was to make sure nothing got done so they could blame the President for not doing it had nothing to do with it.

If you could read that convoluted sentence, you've just exerted more brain power than the Tea Party collectively exhibited this past year.

2012-01-15T12:55:00.000-05:00

File this one under "child is parent to the grown-up"...

Took my five-year-old to Bodo's, which was overrun with returning students:

Kid: "Daddy, when were you a student?"
Me: "Oh, a long time ago."
Kid: "Now you're just an adult?"
Me: "That's right."
Kid: "Are students adults?"
Me: [perplexed silence]

WHAT'S THE ANSWER?!?

2011-11-16T10:18:00.001-05:00

My one-word review for the Kindle Fire? Prettydamngood.

As I was waiting obnoxiously for my Kindle Fire yesterday, I remarked to my siblings that I was expecting "not quite an iPad, but better than just a big Android phone". My tech-loving friend whose Fire is due to arrive today also commented (my paraphrase) that he wasn't expecting an iPad but something good for $300 less than an iPad.

And by both of these standards, I can very readily recommend the Kindle Fire.

It's very sleek and surprisingly solid. It's got a bit of heft to it that I actually like but might be a little tiring to some. I've seen reviews with people complaining about lag, but I don't think our home wifi connection is anything special, and web surfing and streaming have been pretty zippy. Netflix, Pandora, and Amazon Cloud playing have been surprisingly nice, given that the cloud player on our laptop is a little on the slow side.

My biggest annoyance right now has been after downloading the Wired and New Yorker apps, I've been unable to sync up my subscriptions even after following the steps laid out in the app screens (and my username/password combos work fine online). I've got my e-mails into Conde Nast customer service right now because dammit, I want my instant gratification!

Also, the main screen, which shows stuff in the order you've used it, is a bit cluttery to me. They've got a little bar on the top where you can separate your content into books/videos/music/apps etc., but it seems like the front could be more clean.

And if you're not already a Prime Member, I'd strongly recommend it. Right now, it means an extra free viewing library that's decidely mediocre and unlimited cloud storage, but I find it hard to believe they won't be throwing more stuff up there in the coming months.

Looking forward to playing with this!

2011-11-08T09:32:00.000-05:00

Vote, baby, vote!

And a happy election day to you all! The happiest thing to me is that I won't have to hear those goddamn Bryce Reeves/Edd Houck commercials on the radio anymore. It's not even my district!

State senator and state reps are foregone conclusions; based upon my interactions with candidates as well as the opinions of people whom I love, trust, and are smarter than me to a person, here was my ballot:

City Council: Smith, Collins, Fenwick
School Board: Kadija, McKee, Blount, Neale

I'm not linking or endorsing because I want these guys to win, AND I CAN'T HELP.

2011-11-07T10:51:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna call it...Herman Cain will be the 2012 Republican nominee for President.

What happened? A new harrassment accuser has come forward...and she has hired Gloria Allred.

The only way this could have helped Cain more is if the unnamed woman had hired Nancy Pelosi. With this feminist icon to rail against, Cain is going to surf a tidal wave of outrage-and-false-victimization-fueled donations straight over Mitt's coif to victory!

Even Cain's campaign manager (does he have one?) can't fuck this up. The solicitation e-mail should be out by noon.

2011-11-02T08:33:00.000-04:00

Another edition of "Things I Wish I Had Written"...

There's a reason bloggers everywhere want to have Charles P. Pierce's babies:

--
I don't think it's too strident to demand at this point that David Brooks be hauled up before a jury consisting of everyone else in America and forced to defend himself against several million counts of being an insufferable twat in a public place.
--

Just go read the whole brilliant thing.

2011-11-01T20:29:00.000-04:00

Must...not...make...raising..Cain...joke...

I was amused by all the talk of the leak to Politico being a grand liberal plot; after all, the timeline and the subject matter screamed either Rove or Perry.

But after he's played a whole bunch of cards, including "liberal media" and "I'm the victim", I'm starting to think that this was just the thing Cain needed to capture the Republican nomination. What more do Repubs want than to get all warm and snuggly in a blanket of fake outrage?

The only thing is Dem ops usually aren't this clever...I'd love to be wrong, though.

2011-10-23T13:55:00.000-04:00

Well, it can't make politics more of a circus...

I thought we were done with this guy. But he's running for governor.

And he's a libertarian. Of course he is.

But at least we can sell some more t-shirts out of this...

2011-10-18T18:55:00.000-04:00

OK, now I'm starting to get a little nervous...

I think the best guarantee for Obama's reelection at this point is that there are really no viable opposition candidates. So the fact that they've found their most charismatic to date is a little cause for concern...

2011-10-07T15:33:00.002-04:00

And after they all get together and pass the jobs bill, they can ride away on the rainbow-farting unicorns...

I'll freely admit I have no idea who this Daniel Gross guy is, but I think it's cute how he thinks the weak jobs report will spur legislators to action, as if the Republicans are interesting in doing anything except making sure the economy stays shitty so they can blame Obama for it.

2011-10-04T19:20:00.000-04:00

Back to the doughnuts, Chrissypoo...

I'm not quite sure why Christiemania lasted so long; oh, I understand that no Republican wants Mitt Romney, but Christie would have crashed and burned on a .5 Trump scale. And the fact that he wasn't a complete asshole 100% of the time meant he was doomed in the Republican primary anyway.

So onto...maybe Fred Thompson should try again?

2011-09-28T11:41:00.001-04:00

Oh, sweet, sweet, nerdgasm...

The new announcement of the Kindle Fire has just sent me all ashudder with quivering want. I don't even know everything it does yet, I just see "iPad for a third of the price". I've said it before, but I'M NOT MADE OF STONE, PEOPLE! DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!

I want this item, in all its Jetsonsesque glory, in my hands so that I may more easily forget about the plight of the suffering of the world around me...

On second thought, feel free to judge me.

2011-09-09T10:57:00.000-04:00

Wow, Krugman even kinda likes it?

Good enough for me. Now to start calling my congressman...

And maybe we should sent this book to Hurt, just in case...

2011-09-04T22:13:00.002-04:00

As if a million nerds cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced...

Allow me to join the outrage that Lucas is fucking with Jedi on the Blu-Ray re-release, and on perhaps the single most iconic scene within that movie. I really don't care so much about the other changes, and making Yoda CGI in Phantom Menace is actually an improvement, but no, I don't want these movies, and Lucas just saved me ninety bucks.

Looking at some of the extras, it's amazing to me how much Lucas has deteriorated as a screenwriter and filmmaker. For example, there's this deleted scene from Revenge of the Sith, as Obi-Wan discovers that Anakin has turned and has been forced by Yoda to confront him...

OBI-WAN KENOBI
I beg of you, Master Yoda, let me fight the Emperor, please don't send me to fight Anakin.

YODA
Sorry, Obi-Wan, but too strong the Emperor is...

OBI-WAN
Master...

YODA
Make you his bitch he would...

OBI-WAN
What?

YODA
Pussy you are. See how Force you my bitch makes...

OBI-WAN
OUCH, OW! HEY, STOP IT!

YODA
Hitting yourself cease, hitting yourself cease...

OBI-WAN
Fine, you made your point...

YODA
Afraid I am that Force you fully comprehend not. So blow me you must.

OBI-WAN
Oh no bloody fuckin' way, mateUUUUURRRRRRRRPPPPP!

YODA
Through the Force a Jedi's strength flows, just as down your esophagus my load will soon flow. Yes, yes, teeth you use not...
--

Well, the dialogue ends there, but the scene goes on for eight more minutes. I think we can all agree that Lucas really needs to stop his self-indulgence.

2011-09-03T11:14:00.000-04:00

Check out Inessa Telefus on the radio today!

I would be horribly remiss if I didn't mention how the gorgeous and brilliant Inessa would be sharing her insights on the "Speaking Forward" program today at 2. The webpage has a "Listen Live" link on the right so you can stream it. A perfect warm-up to your tailgating party!

2011-09-01T08:35:00.001-04:00

How DARE he talk about jobs! The nerve...

And let's not pretend this scheduling kerfluffle is about anything more than sticking it to the prez.

Chr*st, don't you just want to smash Boehner's face with a shovel? IT CAN'T JUST BE ME...

2011-08-25T08:43:00.000-04:00

Can we please stop having earthquakes?

I slept through this one; my wife said "we just had another earthquake!" and I was like "you mean another aftershock?" and she was like "NO. An earthquake!"

And I can't wait for the next round of interminable mocking from the West Coast. "Ooooooh, that was what, a 4.5? We use THOSE earthquakes to get the salt off the top shelf in the pantry! When those hit, we stick our hands down our pants and let the earth serve as a natural vibrator!"

2011-08-23T14:47:00.000-04:00

Hope everyone's fine...

...it was just a li'l rumble. In my office, people didn't start freaking out until after it was over.

2011-08-21T17:18:00.000-04:00

I call this piece "A Walk in the Woods"...

"Ah, isn't it great just to get out, away from it all?"
"As long as we're back in time for the game..."
"Oh, boy! Look at this, a buttercup! Who likes butter? Do youuuuuu? Do you like butter?"
"OK, OK, stop it, you're sticking it in my eye. Take it down a notch will you?"
"WOW! I didn't know this grew down here! It's banana-bamboo!"
"What the hell's that?"
"Here, I'll break off a piece. Now, let me just get my penknife. Notice how quickly the wood is formed into a razor-sharp point? And if you just poke..."
"DAAAAAAH! HOLY JESUS! YOU JUST STABBED ME! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?"
"Ha ha! You said, 'ow!' That means you like bananas!"
"No, that means you stabbed me through the leg, you fucking dick! And...holy shit, my leg's going numb! What the...what did you do? I'm...getting cold."
"Yeah, that's something, the wood has an oil that is also a natural neurotoxin, helps protect it against weevils. Isn't it great how nature does that? OH MY WORD, I don't believe it! Tickle-thistles! You know, if you take the flowers, grind them in a mortar and pestle and add just enough water to form a cement-like paste which you then use to plug somebody's mouth and nostrils, and they twitch, it means they're ticklish! Good thing I brought my mortar and pestle with me!"
"Insane...you're insane...must get away...too slow...numb...scared..."
"Come on, this is fun! Oh, stop squirming! Oh oh, I know who's ticklish now! Yep, it's certainly nice to just take a moment to reflect on some of Nature's most fantastic creations! OK, let's get back, the game's going to start soon...hey, why aren't you moving? C'mon, let's get going! Coochee coochee coo..."

2011-08-18T14:24:00.001-04:00

Double shocked, shocked, I tell you...

I didn't find anything really "surprising" about these findings at all beyond the framing of the headline. I mean, atheists are hated? What did they ever do to anybody?

But after reading this sentence:

--
"[Tea Party members] are overwhelmingly white, but even compared to other white Republicans, they had a low regard for immigrants and blacks long before Barack Obama was president, and they still do"...
--

All I could think was this:

2011-08-11T10:11:00.000-04:00

At the Downtown Mall for lunch? Say hi to our congressman!

That's right, Rep. Hurt is actually going to be out in public today, from 12 to 1:30.

And good for him for being there. Seriously. I mean, I don't think he's been anywhere near as good as his predecessor in terms of performance or constituent service, but I certainly won't fault him for presenting himself to his constituents. And I hope the people of Charlottesville come out to politely discuss their ideas with him...