Chocolate Cake

Child's Play

2013-04-17T17:14:00.003+05:30

Once you saw it, you couldn't look at anything else. Just like a child, you were stuck on it. You had to have it. I tried so hard to convince you otherwise, but you wouldn't listen. I knew it wasn't the best thing for you; I knew it wasn't what you wanted but you were adamant that you did. Just like a child, you cried and whined and refused to eat anything until you have it in your hands.

Just like a child, you got to have your way.

Once you had it, you loved it. You carried it around everywhere with you. You kissed it; you slept with it in your arms; you played with it endlessly. Adorably, like a child.

Just like a child, you got tired of it. You had played with it enough. You had explored its every aspect, and it wasn't exciting for you anymore.

Just like a child, you threw away, what used to be my heart.

Move on, will you!

2012-09-24T00:32:00.002+05:30

This was all her fault, she had no one else to blame. She had been weak and foolish and insecure. She had reached out to a wrong man, time and again, in a moment of need.

Remorse filled her. Remorse and regret. Why wasn't she stronger? Why was she so needy? But then, when hadn't she craved love? She knew she couldn't blame her family and friends. They'd done their best. They'd tried. The fault was clearly hers. She had always been clingy, needing constant reassurance and affection.

If only she hadn't fallen in love with him then maybe she could have played the game..floated through this with dignity and grace. But there was nothing dignified about what she was feeling.

She felt consumed by fear, consumed by need and pain. There was no way anyone could love someone like her. Someone so fearful and broken, someone so damaged. They'd soon discover just how much she needed them and it would either overwhelm them or give them an opportunity to take advantage of them. Her needs overwhelmed everyone.

Better to leave now while she could. There was no way she was strong enough for a prolonged goodbye. Better to do it, quickly and cleanly, one hard cut today, a total break, then move on.

He'd be okay. He'd be fine. You need to feel strongly for someone to not be okay. He'd survive without her. She was the one who might not make it without him.

Again and Again

2012-09-10T23:59:00.002+05:30

So here I am, another year older but not necessarily any wiser. Some things, you just don't learn because some things just don't change. Heartache, for instance, or disappointments. And I can't help but wonder if that’s how I am supposed to live. I have jumped another number, gathered a few more memories, but it’s still the same story, just a different man. I wonder if that’s what growing old is - becoming unhappier with each passing year. May be. Perhaps it is not about the heartaches we face but the repetition of them that makes it challenging to have faith. When we are younger, we go through terrible things but our young spirits help us make it through thinking that there is always another tomorrow, that we have our whole lives ahead of us and we’ll do just fine. But somehow it is hard to hold on to that belief as we grow old. We are running out of time and energy, and some times, the light. I am exhausted.

And this is how it always ends... Alone.

We meet, and that was the end

2012-08-28T10:47:00.002+05:30

It happened. He came. Dear God, thank you for finally making this happen. What can I say about those 2 days? This is what they mean when they say ‘It was magical’.

I miss him sorely. I never really wanted to open this page and type out a post, whining about his absence. I wanted to be that cool chick, having such a good time, that she doesn’t even notice his absence. I give up though. I admit defeat. I miss him. His touch. His warmth. His embrace. His annoying persona.

I have been under excessive stress. I know, I seem to say that in almost every other post, but that is really how it has been. Nothing seems to be going right with me right now and as he has always been, he is the only shining star of mine. We are always short of time, and I try to pack in as much as I can in every possible minute. While it is good to utlise every second so effectively, it does wear you out. I end up emotionally exhausted. Especially if you feel, you are the only one doing it.

I have been overwrought with emptiness, anxiety and sadness since the day he left. Life has taken such a turn that I hardly listen from him in a day. We met. For God's sake we met. And sue me for thinking it would be different after that. He would be different after that. But, no one told me people start valuing you once they meet you. Hah!

I’ve been going through a phase in which I question the purpose of everything. The amount of emptiness I see has been overwhelming me. I’ve been forced to confront certain realities of life that I would have preferred to escape. At this point, I really didn’t want to part from him.

He has a fool proof way of making me smile and laugh when I am distressed. He brings back the carefree, mirthful child in me.

I get through the day with minimal effort. Night time however, is a different story. Time seems to go by very slowly once it gets dark. I feel restless. And that is when it comes back to me: How could I make the same mistake, all over again!!!

That Kiss.......

2012-08-23T23:51:00.001+05:30

“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”

And I don’t think of kisses the same way anymore.

2012-07-05T00:30:00.000+05:30

There were a few times - very few - when he held me in the darkness after I woke up from a nightmare. But when he did, it wasn't as if the fear would leave me. It never made the darkness go away either. My demons were still out there. The nightmares were still walking.

When he held me, I did not feel safe, but I felt better. "It's all right," he'd whisper in my ear. "I'm here with you. I love you," and then he'd go on to say: "not in the true sense".

Before that statement, just for a moment or two the darkness didn't seem so bad.

Rockstar- Beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing.......

2011-11-14T10:38:00.004+05:30

I cherish a fondness for Ranbir Kapoor ever since I have seen his debut release 'Saawariya'. I simply admire the way he brings forth a character alive by his spontaneous god-gifted & genetic acting ability. In Wake Up Sid, even Konkona Sensharma, who is my favourite because of her natural expression, looks slightly faded in comparison with Ranbir's full-bodied performance. So I might be quite prejudiced when it comes to writing a review on Ranbir's film as my eyes remain transfixed on him throughout, everyone else sharing the same screen space looks hardly existent in the shadow of his power-packed deliverance.

There are some films you come out of and you can’t seem to decide how you feel about it. Rockstar was one of those films.

'Rockstar' begins with Ranbir missing from a stage show & his entering the screen struggling with a band of police to wriggle himself free & finally arriving on stage with a guitar in hand. The next moment we are taken through a kaleidoscope of fast-paced flashback glimpses into Ranbir's life.The film covers the journey of an eccentric man called 'Janardhan' from an ordinary boy, passionate about music with dreams of reaching heights just like his idol "Jim Morrison", to a megastar, riddled with negative controversies & a heap of court cases.The first half of the movie was simply fantastic when Jordan aka Janardhan influenced by the words of his mentor made romantic moves towards the most beautiful girl in the college, Heer (Nargis Fakhri) with a motive to experience 'pain' as 'pain' motivates one to sing with passion. Their unusual friendship and curious attempts at socially unacceptable things brought them close to each other. While Nargis moved to Prague after marriage, fate & a chain of circumstances transformed Ranbir aka Janardhan into the country's next big sensation.

The second half completes the journey of the happy go lucky though confused guy, into the passionate believer Jordon becomes. Most of the people and reviewers around me liked the first half and criticised the second. But I would say, the first half was nothing unusual; college life is what we see in every other second film. It's the second half that gives the real character to the movie. Honestly, the narration style reminded me a lot of Guru Dutt's and a few of Dev Anand movies (Remeber Pyaasa, Kagaz Ke Phool, Sahib Bibi Aur Gulam and Guide?); a love so passionate, so strong, that it ruins you; you know it, yet you can't stop it. The movie definitely has in it to become a long run cult classic.

Imtiaz Ali’s Rockstar could be a bittersweet journey of a person, an artist, from being a confused man to a man with a purpose. Though Ali uncovers layers off Jordan the long-lasting musician -- every layer as fascinating because it is intriguing -- he keeps the core of the character, Janardhan Jakhad, alive.

Rockstar is an admirable effort if only for how unconventionally director Imtiaz Ali tells this tale of great passion. The romance at the core of this film is a complex one, and the film offers no easy answers. Watch how Heer come alive each time she’s in Jordan’s presence (even when she is dying literally), whereas when he’s without her his longing prompts his best music out of him.

From the very moment in, it’s evident Imtiaz understands his characters intimately and gives us lovely little moments to know them better. Rockstar is never as surefooted as Imtiaz’s breakout hit Jab We Met, but it’s a braver, riskier film than any he’s previously made.

The highlight of the film is Ranbir Kapoor. His performance is phenomenal and he makes the character his own. He embraces the little nuances, and convincingly portrays both the awkward boy and crazed rockstar roles. What an absolutely wonderful performance. Just a couple of years in the industry and he is already in a league of his own, much ahead of any actors his age or experience. It was a complex role but the ease with which Ranbir has carried it can give Aamir Khan run for his money. The image and persona of a rock star fit Ranbir perfectly and he pulled off the attitude and music in style. Champion, I’d say. Impressive.

The one thing that strikes you about Rockstar is that it’s not an easy film to digest – unlike Imtiaz’s previous films which were mostly fun entertainers, Rockstar comes with an element of darkness to it. Everything is not laid out on screen for you as is usually the case; the film has depth and makes you think. Passion is essential to music – but for a person who desires desperately to be both a good musician and a happy person, in the process of a heartbreak, how does one strike a balance? Is there a balance? Rockstar doesn’t tell you the answer explicitly, which, in my opinion, is its greatest strength – it leaves you with a haunted feeling and sense of unfinished business that you will ponder upon long after exiting the hall. In these times of instant gratification, here is a movie that makes you think.

My love for Gulzar's poetry and Satrangi Re!

2011-09-10T11:05:00.004+05:30

I am starting a new series, where I write about my interpretations (mostly translations that make a little more sense than the usual ones) of Gulzar's songs. They might not be deep, might not even be accurate; but hopefully might prove to be useful. Once in a while I might even go into the philosophy/thought behind the song.

[Warning: The post might be long, but it's full of interesting facts. Don't skip, or you might miss on something ;) and I mean till the last line]

In my opinion, Satrangi Re's distractingly beautiful cinematography and a stunning Manisha Koirala take away from it. Because the song in itself is so incredibly exquisite, it ought to be heard in isolation as well.

All the songs of Dil Se are a league apart. But Satrangi Re's more illustrious album-mates (Chhaiya-Chhaiya, Dil se re, Ae Ajnabi) have somehow overshadowed it, if only a little. With Satrangi Re, three of current music scene's stalwarts - AR Rehman, Gulzar and Sonu Nigam - have come together to create a song that's utterly mesmerising.

Coming to the lyrics of Satrangi Re - they are much more than just words. There is a philosophy in work here. It is said that there are seven stages of love. This song is a journey through these:

Hub (Attraction)
Uns (Infatuation)
Ishq (Love)
Adiqat (Reverence)
Ibaadat (Worship)
Junoon (Obsession)
Maut (Death)

These 7 stages have been so deftly woven in the lyrics, they're almost unnoticeable. But once you get to know they're there, you can't help but feel thrilled about the secret message, much like the secret codes in Da Vinci's paintings.

Lyrics, with English translation:

Tu hi tu, tu hi tu, satrangi re

Tu hi tu, tu hi tu, manrangi re

[You, of many colors, only you are the color of my soul]

Dil ka saaya humsaaya, satrangi re, manrangi re

[You, of my soul's color, (you are) the shadow of my heart and my soul mate]

Koi noor hai tu, kyun door hai tu

Jab paas hai tu, ehsaas hai tu

Koi khwaab hai ya parchhayi hai, satrangi re

[You are like a light (for my darkness), why then are you so distant?

Even when you're near me, you're like a a fleeting feeling

Are you a shadow or a dream, (oh you, of many colors!)]

Is baar bata, purzor hawa, thehregi kahan?

[Tell me where this forceful wind will finally stop...]

Ishq par zor nahin, hai yeh woh aatish Ghalib

Ja lagaye na lage, aur bujhaye na bane

[Love can't be tamed, it's like a fire that overpowers everything else

At times, it doesn't start even after repeated tries; but once started, it's impossible to extinguish]

Aankhon ne kuchh aise chhua, halka halka uns hua

Halka halka uns hua, dil ko mehsoos hua

[The touch of your eyes sparked an infatuation that my heart felt]

Tu hi tu, tu hi tu, jeene ki saari khushbu

Tu hi tu, tu hi tu, aarzoo aarzoo

Tere jism ki aach ko chhoote hi, mere saans sulagne lagte hain

Mujhe ishq dilaase deta hai, mere dard bilakhne lagte hain

[You are like the fragrance of life itself, you are what I desire.

The flame of your touch ignites my breath

My pain cries out for you, while love consoles me]

Tu hi tu, tu hi tu, jeene ki saari khushbu

Tu hi tu, tu hi tu, aarzoo aarzoo

Chhooti hai mujhe sargoshi se, aankhon mein ghuli khamoshi se

Main farsh pe sajde karta hoon, kuchh hosh mein kuchh behoshi se

[You are like the fragrance of life itself,

You're the desire that touches me with a whisper and with the silence in your eyes

I bow to you, only partly conscious of myself]

Teri raahon mein uljha-uljha hoon, teri baahon mein uljha-uljha

Suljhane de hosh mujhe, teri chaahon mein uljha hoon

[I'm enchanted by your ways, I am entangled in your embrace

Let me disentangle my senses, because I'm entangled in your desire]]

Mera jeena junoon, mera marna junoon

Ab iske siva nahin koi sukoon

[My life is now an obsession, and so I will be till I die -

there is no respite for me]

(Repeat: Tu hi tu, tu hi tu satrangi re...)

Mujhe maut ki god mein sone de

Teri rooh mein jism dubone de

Mujhe maut ki god mein sone de, satrangi re, manrangi re

[Let me sleep in the lap of death,

Let me drown my body in your soul

Let me sleep in the lap of death... You, of many colors! You, of my soul's color!]

Point to ponder:

'Ghalib' means 'victorious' or that which/who overcomes everything. So in the sher - 'Ishq par zor nahin, hai yeh woh aatish Ghalib' - the word 'Ghalib' not only refers to the poet's name, but also the fact that love is like an unconquerable fire.

Yes, it was too good to be true...

2011-07-15T23:47:00.000+05:30

You know how we say, 'It is too good to be true?' How when something so wonderful happens that we can't help but thank our stars and feel so overwhelmed that we have to utter with joy: Oh, you are too good to be true!

But do you know what the actual, original phrase is? It's, "If it's too good to be true, then it probably is." I don't know why we take out the last half of the quote. We choose to focus on the half truth and not face the reality. Like I did. Perhaps, I didn't get the memo - I didn't realize that when someone is too good to be true, he probably isn't. I am a stupid girl who believed it when he said he loved me. I was the stupid girl who didn't see the heinousness behind those cute eyes I adored. I gave in, I fell hard, and was trapped in his spell that I couldn't look beyond him. I couldn't see what he was doing to me. I couldn't decipher his plan. I couldn't see how he would use the doll that I was and then throw me out in search of another prettier one. Perhaps because it was all a game for him - my emotions, my life, was nothing but a game to boast in front of others. Perhaps he thought that somehow he would be more of a man if he could conquer me. Perhaps because he always thought I was stupid while telling me how smart I was. Perhaps because I really am stupid.

If it is too good to be true, dear readers, it really is. Always, always remember that.

Whats your daily cuppa???

2011-05-31T11:21:00.003+05:30

If I assume most of us drink either tea or coffee, or both, do you think you can comfortably slot what is your primary drink of choice?

I like coffee yes, but it is more like an occasional cup meeting a friend in a cafe to catch up. I don’t mind it, I enjoy it while it lasts, but I don’t miss it otherwise. I love the way it smells, especially if its freshly brewed.

But its tea that’s my drink of choice. Chai. Indian style, with sugar. I need chai to get my day going, I need chai to feel at home in the evening. The day somehow seems incomplete without my morning cup.

I guess I imagine it like this.

I romance coffee but I am married to tea.

What’s your daily cuppa made up of?

Just another day in her life......

2011-05-23T17:50:00.000+05:30

She gets up at the crack of dawn to feed the little one. She can feel the headache coming in, and knows it is going to be a tough day. The older one is woken up for school, and she sends him off for a bath. He calls out in the middle, for his eyes got soap again, and she quickly cleans his face, before returning to the kitchen. She puts the kettle on boil as her husband goes in for his bath. She glances at the clock, and its 45 minutes on hand to prepare lunch. She hurriedly packs everyone’s boxes, and sends them off, father and son.

In the meantime her mother calls to share a story about some aunt and how she was wronged by her children. She listens absentmindedly, and hangs up when the doorbell rings. It’s the neighbor again, complaining how the water from their bathroom was clogging up their drain. She’s about to make a cup of tea for herself when she remembers the clothes that need ironing. She knows the older one will be back in an hour, and she wouldn’t find the time later. The little one is up again, and demanding her feed. She puts him on her lap and whispers sweet nothings in his ear.

The older one back from school, demands egg curry. She tries to reason that dal is ready, and he’d get egg curry tomorrow. He sulks and quietly walks to his room. She goes to the kitchen and quickly prepares the curry. His eyes light up and she smiles.

The husband calls, to remind her to mend the torn kurta. He needs to wear it on the weekend at a puja.

She glances at the time when she hears her stomach rumbling. The tea can wait, she better eat something first. She makes a roll out of a chapati and egg and eats it while straightening the cushions and picking up lone pencils and crayons on the way.

She makes a list of groceries that need restocking and goes down to the neighborhood kirana store, both children in tow. She busy vegetables, exchanges hellos with other women and waits in the park while the older child runs around for his share of play. The little one is content just looking around, seated firmly in her arms.

They come back home, and its time for heating the milk and preparing dinner. She thinks about making a cup of tea, but decides to do that after finishing with the rest. By time she’s putting her kettle on, the husband returns.

You’re making chai? Good. I’ll also have a cup.

Her shoulders slump, for he likes his tea mildly brewed, with milk separate, not like her chai, boiled over and over with the milk till its gets that right colour.

She doesn’t have the energy to do it twice over, never mind, she’ll have it his way.

So, what have you been up to, all day? What did you do? He asks.

Nothing much, the usual. She says.

Not good if you ask me….why don’t you at least finish reading all the books you keep buying? Sitting at home won’t do you much good. You know?

I know.

Does this country love its girls?

2011-04-24T01:08:00.001+05:30

By now we’ve all hopefully caught up on the news regarding Child Sex Ratio. The provisional data for Census 2011 is out ( the final report will take a year or more perhaps), and while the over all sex ratio shows improvement, what is disheartening is, that the Child Sex Ratio, that takes in to account number of females per males in the 0-6 years age category, down to 914, 13 points lesser from the last Census. What is also sad, is that this is the lowest ever since independence.

Why the CSR is so important, is because, while the overall fertility rate is on a decline?( its a good thing), the difference among growth rate between boys and girls is -2.42 and -3.80, so it is clear that girls are definitely not receiving as fair a chance of survival due to discrimination at birth and consequently during childhood.

And that brings us to another finding. While some States like Punjab, Haryana, Himachal Pradesh and Chandigarh (among others) have shown improvement, considering they were termed the worst states in India as far as CSR goes, other 27 States and Uts show a decline, telling us that the discrimination is not limited to certain pockets, cultures or classes any more, but is much more widespread than we could have imagined, and can only mean one thing. The “worst” States are where there has been active advocacy and programmes by the Government and other stakeholders to promote the girl child. What about the rest of the country? This Country doesn’t love its girls, the way it should.

The reasons are numerous, from dowry, to land ownership, to status of women in society, we continue to look at women as a liability that can only add to a financial and social burden, and we continue to find ways to be rid of them. Technology and access to the same has made sex determination much easier, and people find ways of nipping daughters in the bud.

To me, the problem is not so much about laws not being implemented and technology being easily available. Its not even about the mindset anymore, that comes from generations of treating women like second class citizens. The problem is of status itself, where women, from even before they are born, till the day they die, always end up selling themselves short. We’re treated as the second sex and we learn to treat ourselves exactly the same way. We grow up believeing, we ‘re better human beings only if we sacrifice, we give in, we teach our daughters the same, and we end up in a never ending cycle.

Our only goal in life seems to be to see women “settled”, meaning married, going from custody of father to husband. We never become individuals who own themselves, we never think of life as complete unless it has a male figure in the center of things.

As long as women continue to be the second sex, things will never change. As long as we differentiate between the sexes, be it to carry family businesses forward, light a funeral pyre, take care of parents in old age, or be economically productive, we’ll never learn how to value the girl child and see her as a blessing, just like a male child is seen.

Till then, all I can say is, every queen needs a cover, be the cover for one at least.

Restless yet peaceful

2011-04-05T01:21:00.000+05:30

This is a year of quiet restlessness. So far. A year where things have been pretty damn good and pretty damn bad for pretty much everything, have always come accompanied with a fidgety restless discontentment. This is a year where joy and grief has come aplenty, but mostly, a lot of detachment. A lot of not feeling strongly enough. A lot of fidgety calm at the surface. And restlessness. I don't know if this is permanent, transient or non-existent (only in my head!). And disturbingly, the next thought that comes to my mind is, in a very Ravi Shastri-kinda way, I have a feeling that something's got to give here.

Whatever that means.:)

I like wondering every now and then of change. The whats, whys and hows. I like to pick up a lens and see things, places, and most of all myself through it to understand just a little better. You can call it a hobby.One of the changes in me in the last year or two I hate the most is how my words don't flow out of me as much anymore as they could. Writing used to be a lot more effortless, and cathartic to me. It wasn't good writing, but it was brilliant clearing for mess inside my head. It sorta takes away the impact of many good and bad changes. I so badly want to write. I want to write my life. I want to write cricket. I want to write poetry and fiction. I want to dole out crap on the back of my notebook again - not mere doodles. But it doesn't come out. Not enough. What's wrong? I feel tension, sadness, joy, but not soul-stirring teary-eyed emotions like I did, a few moments in life. Is there anything wrong?

Anyway, back to the restlessness. I wonder if I feel it more because I dont write about it enough. I wonder if it is just quarter-life crisis. I wonder if it's just hormonal over-thinking :) But that's the sort of year it has been. Job season excitement vanishing- the flaws in people so much more visible. Stress over not knowing the future equalling the confusion over my desire to not even try to know the future. And even now, disquietude. What am I doing with my life? Why have I never done enough crazy whimsical things like others? Am I too "safe"? Am I too boring? Will I get even a chance now to change all that? How would the new life be? Will it be as bad as I am imagining it to be? What will the job life be like? Am I deliberately not asking hard questions? Have I become too defensive, too non-confrontational. Am I scared of drama? Fatigued? Or is this drama still.

Why isn't peace enough?

And where the f**k are the words?

PS At least, I still have unanswered questions.

Dreams on sale

2011-02-10T20:42:00.000+05:30

If you have ever asked yourself seriously, why did you ever come to IILM, it is likely that after the initial lists of parents, society, dreams, and I-don’t-knows, you’d get to the part where the reasons boil down to a promised great career, top job, money, status, the works. Face it, who of us does not want a successful spectacular future, hopefully doing something respectable that we like for the rest of our life. Isn’t that dream why the MBA degree is largely perceived to be worth what it is? Is it a surprise then that come final year, ‘placements’ is almost the most important word in the dictionary for most of us? And why just final year, come December and the whole of IILM is drowned in one compound emotion of one part joy, two parts sorrow, four parts preparation, four parts fear, one part motivation, one part jubilation and the rest frustration.

Yes, I’m talking about the job season, something I’ve closely witnessed this year, something that has made me sleep every night of the last two months a little happy and a lot anxious for myself and everyone around me.

I’ve been around in this college for long enough to know the system, the attitude and the mentality. Definitely, not all is right with the way things are run here, and definitely, the more there are rules, the more there are ways to get round them. But at the end of the day, I’m looking at what is it that we seek to carry out of this place. Hopefully that includes a good wholesome education, and hopefully that includes a growing-up process that’s healthy, inclusive, mature and strong enough to teach us to differentiate between right and wrong, ethical and unethical. If not for our own sakes, at least for the sake of the country we live in.

2011-02-08T16:42:00.003+05:30

I'm not gonna be any man's half-time, down-time, spare-time, part-time,any-time or sometime !!!!

It continues....

2011-02-07T20:43:00.002+05:30

Yet another time. I did the same mistake again. I broke two resolutions of the year and ended up feeling like a moron.

Not any more.

The year started on an extremely high note with a positive attitude, zest and enthusiasm. A new fervour. Some very random resolutions on the personal, professional and emotional front. Its been a month. A long, really long month. Personally, I have grown a lot as a person in comparison to last year, I find it difficult to make 'new' friends, open up to people very easily, and most importantly be expressive with everyone.

I used to be this carefree, speak-my-mind kinda girl some months ago. Somewhere I am lost in the conundrum of life.

I choose my words now. I miss certainty. I miss the insanity I once had.

Though my dear friends are still amazed at how much I can talk and how I do it. Somewhere these talks are becoming hollow at times.

I was consoling a friend about not being a dukhi aatma, at times I turn into one myself. Too much jazz is happening simultaneously. I have spent THE coldest weekend in all senses of this month and it doesn't feel good.

But, what has still remained intact in this new year is the new hope that it got along with it. I know it is just a phase and it will pass away too and I know think too much at times.

So, now on, I will channelise my energies to new aspects, stop being a sad,gloomy idiot, bring about change if I feel about it and more, DO SOMETHING CONCRETE than just talk about it. I decided today before I felll asleep for my afternoon nap that I will stop being nice to others.

But, then I realised, that would just mean losing a part of me and being who I am not just because others behaved the way they do. So, I will continue to be nice. :D

Aah! I am amazed though that I still haven't lost my randomness and my spirit to keep motivating myself :D

Reflections....

2011-02-06T14:23:00.010+05:30

While I never really look ahead and wonder what the next 5 or 10 or 20 years will be like…I do reflect on the past ever so often…it takes a picture, or a thought or a conversation….I cannot stop marvelling at life

Now that the first month of the new year goes away, I have been refelecting on the past year and decade. I realize for me, this decade is perhaps the foundation, on which I will build the rest of my life. May be it is the same for most of us, our twenties are when we finish studying, start working, get married, have babies…when we really start getting set in our ways, firm up our thoughts and opinions from mere ideas and possibilities.

I don’t think I have changed much as a person in terms of what I believed while younger…about life, love, priorities.

I still believe that life is meant to be lived one day at a time. Not to take anything away from people who make careful plans, but I believe plans or no plans, there is a certain way life will unfold, with or without your help, and things that are meant to be will happen no matter what, and things not meant to be, won’t happen, no matter what. So do your best, and forget the rest!

I believe in the purity of love. In the sanctity of friendship. In unconditional love. And I don’t mean the romantic kind. That too, but I believe in the end, its about love, and not much else. And love, that has its foundation in genuine friendship, will last.

I think the greatest gift nature has given me is love for reading. Its not just a hobby for the sake of it, its a necessity of life. While I cannot be everywhere and do everything, I can still experience it in some form through words, even when they are someone else’s! I find comfort in the written word, in the darkest of nights, and believe that books have the ability to heal.

I find my thoughts on feminism and gender equality getting stronger everyday. Less talk, more action I say! Walk the talk people, and try to live your life like a free person, with rights, dignity and responsibility.

I believe I am growing up to be like my mother. I see a lot of her in myself and it grows day by day. While I could have only hoped to be close to an inch of her shadow, the fact that I am turning in to her every day makes me fall to my knees and thank the Universe. There is no other woman I admire more, and that is not just because she’s my mother. She is a special child of the Universe and she is blessed. The word that comes to mind when I think of her, is “divine”.

I find myself wanting to cling to my parents more and more as I grow! May be that has more to do with the fact that the time for me to get married is approaching fast , but I appeciate them more and more every single day, and the list of what all I hope to do for them is growing longer day by day. I don’t know what all I will be able to, but I know I’ll try with everything in me.

I believe marriage is a social institution that has little to do with love. It should be a choice, not a compulsion. And the older I grow, the more I believe!

I find some likes and dislikes growing over time, and I find some fading away. I still dont like much make up, still swear by flat chappals over high heels, still love tea and junk jewellery. On the other hand, I am more tolerant of religion ( as long as it doesn’t interfere with me), of work politics even!

I have met so many people along this life’s journey so far, some who’ve been around forever, some not any more, and lots, I believe, yet to come. I strongly believe now, that people come in to our life for a reason, even if it is for just a season. While earlier, I’d cry bucketfuls over a friendship gone sour, I am now at a place where I still do my bit, but if something’s gone for good, I can make peace with it. I believe it takes two, and unless there is effort from both sides, whether it is apologizing or forgiving, things can’t stay the same forever if it is a one way street.

I have seen myself go from an obese person to someone who’s thinner than she’d like, and someone who actually prays every day for weight gain (Imagine!) and both the states had everything to do with my happiness. On that note, I am begining to realize the importance of taking care of one’s health, one’s body, and how it is the biggest sin to abuse it. God knows I am suffering today, and God knows I’ll never take my health, or my youth and hence the ability to bounce back, for granted, ever again. No one in this world is worth loosing your happiness and health for. No one! Trust me on that.

Sleep is precious. Thank the Universe for a good night’s sleep, you’ll miss it when its gone

Enjoy the present. As much as you can. The only constant in the world is change, and whether things are good, bad, or okay right now, they are bound to change. Count your blessings, and forget the negatives. I know I am trying. Every. Single. Day.

And last but not the least, spread the love :)

Wishes

2011-01-18T23:31:00.002+05:30

In times of need..never judging always there.

Could...would..always made things right.

Never made much ado..about the task at hand..he just did it.

Who lifted me..when I was down.

Who brought the laughter...amid the pain.

The word he never spoke was 'no'

Who had the answers, to my questions.

Don't know what changed

Don't know why changed

Too many questions...no answers

Am I worthy enough to wish you now?

Happy Birthday ...to someone...who stopped giving a damn about me.

An end and a new beginning

2011-01-04T00:44:00.003+05:30

And another one bites the dust. We are one year older, one year wiser and one year uglier than we were last year.

This was an important year. More important than I had imagined earlier. I did so much. I broke my heart twice. I failed and succeeded. I wrote obsessively. I scored. I prayed. I hated. I traveled. I got hired. I quit. I infatuated myself with a stranger. I left friends behind. I moved to strange lands. I experimented with my sanity. I gave up on forever.

Would I do it all over again if I get a chance? Probably not. Some seasons should never come back and this was one of those seasons.

But I've learned a lot this year. I learned that things don't always turn out the way you planned, or the way you think they should, and it is not necessarily a bad thing. And I've learned that there are things that go wrong that don't always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I've learned that good people also hurt you - no matter how good they are, at some point they are bound to hurt you too and its alright. I've learned that relationships are fickle. They should not be measured by how long you have known someone, but how deeply you have cared. And if you have truly cared for someone even for a minute, it is worth the thousand lives you are going to live without them. I've learned that some broken things stay broken, and I've learned that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, even when you don't have people who love you.

And now I stand here in this strange city, in this awful weather, trying to figure out a direction. There are no familiar faces around to guide me, no matter how hard I try to look for them, but I know why that is. They are not supposed to be here. Its my time to get up myself and figure it out. Otherwise I will never learn.

But the good news is that once I get up and put myself together, work up the courage to turn the corner of the street I had been looking at for such a long time now, I will bump into a stranger, we will smile at each other and somehow all will be well again. Its only a matter of getting up and turning around that corner. I know I'm still a little bent, a little crooked, but I can't complain. After bearing through all kinds of abuses this year and crashing into dead ends and living through overdoses, I feel better now than I did five years ago. I might have some scar tissue, but that's alright, I'm still making progress. I hope you are too.

So, here's to another year of kicking and struggling and loving, and working up the nerve to take that turn and find out what's around that corner.

Idea of love

2010-11-28T23:18:00.004+05:30

He told me I am heartless. He wanted me to be with him.

His interactions with me ranged from accusing me of everything that is wrong with his life to how much he cannot even live a day without me. He told me that he needed me and wanted me to no end, that I should give him a chance to make me happy.

He told me how wonderfully perfect I was and how much I make his life better. And then there were days when he could not stop criticizing the same “wonderfully perfect” person. I listened to him. Perhaps, I shouldn’t have but I had learned to be patient… and also be indifferent.

I know that he wanted me, that he loved me. But there is a difference between loving a person and loving the idea of a person. I knew that at the end of it all, I was replaceable. I am a wonderful idea, but that is all I am. An idea. I knew I will not amount to anything more.

I was the best and the worst person—best for being ‘wonderfully perfect’ and worst for not reciprocating his emotions the way he wanted me to. But I knew that he will *love* me until he finds someone else.

And it finally happened.

And the worst? It happened after changing me

Can you blame me?

Funny life

2010-11-21T21:07:00.001+05:30

Life is funny.

As always, problems magnify when they happen to us. They easily become full-blown Shakespearean tragedies, in fact, if we let them. Then you see someone else committing the same mistakes as you did, or suffering the same self-created trap you did, and something cringes inside. You rush to make it right, because it is -- just as it was back then -- largely futile. You want them to let go - it will become easier - and you remember your own reluctance in letting go.

Life is funny.

I think I keep realizing the same things over and over again every now and then in life. It is sad life wastes so much effort in re-educating me, and I spend so little in remembering my lessons. Once you see someone else in pain, in slow agony and you realize you care, your own pain just disappears somewhere. It is magical, it is potent. It is what we probably like to call being human. I love it. I should have probably become a doctor but I cant stand a hospital (consultants only afflict pain, not cure them, especially verbal and visual through jarring unending presentations).

So this is my new commandment to myself. Control the controllables. It is not new, it is hardly unique. But it is a good reminder to self. It makes the one most important thing easy in life: letting go. It is also incredibly important if you want to live with knowing that you are not good enough, no matter how badly you want something.

I love it.

:-)

Have it all........

2010-11-15T18:29:00.000+05:30

The worse mistake we make is leave something good in hopes that there is something better out there for us. And sadly, we make this mistake too often. The truth is, there is always something - someone - better out there for us. Someone who is more compatible, someone who is more beautiful, someone who would fit more into our lives. You can use all the logic in the world and calculate all the compatibilities, and you will see your perfect mate. But would that perfect mate love you? Would that perfect mate be near you? Or would that perfect mate will even be available? The answer is... 'Perhaps,' but are you really willing to bet on that? Are you willing to set your small loving home on fire in hopes for a big mansion tomorrow which may or may not exist?

And I wish I could tell you to not make this mistakes, to learn from what I have seen. Because I know all too well that once you take that step there is no way of undoing it. But I won't tell you because I get it - I get it that we are selfish, we want it all and the most dangerous thing we want is "More". So I won't tell you not to make this mistake because it is something you know in your heart or you don't.

All I can tell you is that you will make this mistake and you will regret it.

And they broke up.......

2010-10-21T20:10:00.002+05:30

She woke up to his fingers gently caressing her back - gliding from the back of her neck all the way down her spine to back again. From what she gathered, it was early in the morning. She felt tired but knew she had to get up. She turned around and faced him. He opened his eyes and smiled a sleepy smile. She leaned in and they kissed. Soon after she got out of bed, looked around the messy room while he lay straight on his back with his eyes closed. She tied her hair up in a messy bun and started gathering her things - socks laying by the door, camera on his desk, a lipstick on the dresser, her perfume lying next to his deodrant, her scarf on the floor, the towel on the chair, some dirty clothes in the corner. She carelessly tossed everything in the suitcase and threw on the first pair of jeans and T-shirt she could see. She put his oversized old T-shirt she changed out of neatly on the side of the bed.

"You could take this with you, you know," he said. She hadn't realized that he was observing her all that time.

"It's yours," She replied quietly.

"But you love to wear it at night. You can have it."

"It's alright," She said and looked away.

She untied her hair, decided to take a quick shower then cancelled the idea. It was still dark in the room. She went into the bathroom to wash her face. A moment later, she came back quietly and started brushing her hair.

"Breakfast?" She looked at him who was still laying on his back staring at the ceiling.

"Yeah," he said after coming out of his thought process.

They looked at each other. He gave her a weak smile.

She came out into the kitchen, and poured him his favorite cereal. She did not have time to do anything elaborate. She heard the shower go off briefly before he walked into the kitchen with wet hair and dressed in jeans. On any other day, she would have found him attractive, be a little mischievous, play with his wet hair, but that was not the day. Instead, she pointed to the table. He smiled. They sat down and quietly ate breakfast.

"Juice?" He finally broke the silence.

"I dont think we have any," she replied.

"Oh, I suppose I would have to do grocery myself from now onwards."

"I suppose... but don't worry, you'll be fine, I trained you well," she said with a smile.

He laughed for the first time that morning.

After they were done eating, she took the dishes and washed them. As she was washing, he came up to her and hugged her from behind - putting his arms around her waist and his head on her shoulder as he usually did. she kissed his forehead - as she usually did.

When she was done, he let her go.

"I think I should head out now," she said.

"Yeah," he replied and went into the bedroom to grab her suitcase. She took hold of the other bag and her purse while walking out of the apartment behind him. As she exited the building, she looked back at it, just soaking it all in with all the memories they made in and outside of this building. He had already put her suitcase in the car and was walking back towards her. She stood there watching him. He came up to her and tried taking the bag off her shoulder.

"I can carry this one myself, you have already spoiled me a lot, I need to get back in the habit of carrying everything myself," she said with a smile.

He didn't reply. Instead he leaned in and kissed her. They kissed for a long time before she gently pushed him back.

"I will see you around," she said brushing his shoulder with her hand.

"You better" he replied.

She smiled and started walking towards the car. As she opened the driver's door, she turned around and waved at him before disappearing in the car - her face was naked with love. This was something they never talked about - love. But she allowed him to take one clear look at it. It blazed from her. And then she left.

Observations....

2010-10-19T22:45:00.004+05:30

May be a frozen time , may be a strange dimension , I do not know but it was something killing me from the inside . Silence which whispered and I was surrounded by burning memories !! Like a slow poison it was....... No where to go ! I stood stunned looking at the sudden change of events , the growing darkness , black where ever I looked and its effects enfolding my soul ... Ah ! From words that had hurt every bit of me I had isolated myself , knowing nothing of the "world" since I had seen through the glittering lights the cruelty that had prevailed , forever the "world" had been nothing but a falsehood ... Fake attitudes , masked faces !

So , it was then that I ventured on this unknown path rather than putting mask as everyone had . Path towards an unknown destiny , where ever it may lead . I chose to be nothing but myself and never to question the fate and I learnt to move on ! Umm .. Hope they say is a glow of life , I say it is plainly deceiving yourself , hoping for the best when there is a continuous turn of events from bad to worst .

It has never been said bad to best ! =/

Now that I have emerged I care for no words because I know they are always meant to be hurtful and sugar coated praises are nothing more than betraying melodies .... I fall for none ! Rigid ... No ! Just more logical may be because through black you get to see what has been hidden in bright colors !! Darkness is not always that causes blindness you know !

Conversations.....

2010-09-23T23:33:00.002+05:30

Now that I am gearing up for the job scene Bro and me have been talking about driving.

Well, given that it would be a daily thing it would be pretty stupid running every morning to get an auto. Learning to drive might be, err…a better thing to do.

So, the conversation:

Bro: You must learn how to drive.

Kuki: Yeah, I know. May be I should!

Bro: No may be. You must! And if you do i’ll get you a car of your own....

Kuki: Arrey waah. That’s a nice idea

Bro: We can get you a nano. Enough for you!

Kuki: Bah. Get me a scooty. Kinetic types. Then I’ll go around town on my two-wheeler…

Bro: No chance. You know how Delhi or Bangalore drivers are. I don’t trust them. I will worry about safety.

Kuki: Oh ho please. I am a cool cat. I’ll hurl abuses left, right and center. Don’t worry about me.

Bro: I totally trust you will. Its not you I am worried about.

Kuki: So then what’s the problem?

Bro: When I said they can’t be trusted, I meant with their lives. With you on the road, they can only last as long…I am worried about their safety.

Kuki: !!!