The Andiest Ashby

Daily Motivation

2011-07-24T14:44:00.002-04:00

"Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent persperation." Thomas Edison

Motivational Quote of the Day

2011-07-17T23:00:00.001-04:00

"[The] Dictionary is the only place that success comes before work. Hard work is the price we must pay for success. I think you can accomplish anything if you're willing to pay the price." Vince Lombardi

Motivational Quote of the Day

2011-07-14T23:55:00.002-04:00

"'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit
harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter"
"Fighter" by Christina Aguilera

Motivational Quote of the Day

2011-07-13T15:09:00.001-04:00

“In order to live a full life there are three things you need to do every day. One, you need to laugh, two, you need to spend so time in thought, and three, you need to cry… If you can laugh, think, and cry in the same day then that’s a pretty full day!” Jim Valvano, basketball coach & cancer warrior

The Battle is On!!!

2011-07-11T15:58:00.005-04:00

Dear readers, friends, and loved ones,

I am writing you today under some pretty dreadful circumstances. My girlfriend, who I playfully refer to as my queen on my blog, is quite ill. In 2006, my queen was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer which is quite rare and very serious for someone as young as she. To the best of our knowledge she had been in remission, although breast cancer is never considered "in remission" but only NED (No Evidence of Disease), for almost 3 and a half years, but Friday we received the official word that the cancer had returned. In 2006 and 2007 she had the infected breast removed and then for preventative measures had her non-infected breast removed, but now the cancer has spread to her lymph nodes. The good news is that the cancer is limited to the lymph nodes and can’t be detected anywhere else in the body. After the chemotherapy and the mastectomies, if any of that pesky cancer had survived it would end up in the lymph nodes, which is where it is. Through numerous scans (a thoracic MRI, a lumbar MRI, a bone scan, an abdominal CT, and a chest CT) it has been determined that there is no sign of cancer anywhere else in the body so the lymph nodes can be removed and any straggling cancer cells can be radiated.

This might sound awful, but this diagnosis does come as somewhat of a relief. First of all, for my queen to have cancer again and not have metastacisized throughout the body is truly a blessing. Furthermore, it has been so painful for my princess and I to watch as her health has deteriorated over the last 18-months with no explanation, but always the fear that the dreaded “C-word” had returned. My relief is also met with new found fears. This battle won’t be an easy one and will be very, very hard on my queen and difficult for my princess to watch. Furthermore, my queen had chemotherapy before and 5 years of tamoxifen, an estrogen re-uptake inhibitor designed to keep the body from fueling the cancer, and the scans indicated that the cancer was gone. Clearly the cancer was not gone and was strong enough to resist the scorched-earth methods of chemotherapy. Also, if this one little nodule was hiding undetectable in the lymph nodes for five years now, where else is it hiding?

The good news is that my queen, my princess, and I are happy and together TODAY and that is what is most important! This course of treatment will require surgery to remove the infected lymph nodes and then 30 to 40 days of radiation. Finally, because the hormone estrogen is what fuels breast cancer my queen will have to get her ovaries removed. I think this is what worries her most as we’re talking instant menopause, but we really have no choice in the matter.

In these situations, a lot of people want to know what they can do to help. We only ask that some of your thoughts, warm wishes, and positive energies be sent our way and maybe you could donate a pint of blood or two! Furthermore, I thoughtfully request that you don’t “go pink” on our behalf. Companies make millions and millions of dollars every year off of their “support Komen” items, but only donate a very small portion of the proceeds for cancer research. Furthermore, the last thing that a woman fighting breast cancer needs is more awareness. When a woman is forced to have what she perceives as the greatest essence of her femininity removed while forcing chemicals into her body that is designed to kill living cells with the nightmare of her children, her loved ones, her life snatched away at a moment’s notice I think these women could use a little ignorance instead of more awareness. As my good, good friend and cancer warrior Carolyn Chew has said a time or two before,

“Fuck awareness! Find a damn cure already!”

Finally, I just want to say that we appreciate your positive thoughts and warm wishes and please, please, please keep them coming! My queen and I are going to fight this with every ounce or strength and resource we have at our disposal or we’re going to go down swinging, together! In teaching my princess softball this spring I had to explain to her that it is okay to strike out as long as you go down swinging because that is where you draw experience and where you draw strength. You never really know how precious life is until you have to earn another day. Life is precious, life is valuable, and I look forward to fighting for many, many more days for both my queen and I!

Check out this link for a blog I wrote about YSC, in my opinion the best breast cancer organization out there!!!

http://theandiestashby.blogspot.com/2009/03/to-be-in-presence-of-heroes-and-angels.html

"Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it
cannot touch my heart and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are
going to carry on forever…." — Jim Valvano, 1993

Thought of the Day... Inspired by The Green Lantern

2011-06-19T00:29:00.001-04:00

If aliens are such superior, advanced beings then why do they keep crashing on our planet? Humans have been successfully landing aircraft on this planet for decades and most of them are intoxicated :D

The movie was great though.

How to say thank you...

2011-06-12T19:03:00.003-04:00

Things have been rough for my queen and I lately, so much so that it has caused me to lose faith in myself and humanity in general. Life seems to be more expensive than either of us can afford sometimes, our physical health has been one catastrophe after another, and though I can't speak for my queen I feel like we as a couple or individuals could use ONE win every once in a while. It's because of this that my mental and emotional state has been from questionable to technically unstable. I have felt that when the lights go out and everyone is asleep I begin to feel so alone as despair sets in and I start to question my existence and purpose on this planet.

So it turns out that my medical problems are attributed to unexplained anemia, which is quite rare for a 30-year-old man that hasn't had a period in years! My queen on the other hand has learned her medical problems are due to gallstones. A month and a half ago, my queen started demonstrating debilitating painful symptoms of gallstones as the timing belt snapped on her car. Since we lack the thousand dollars to fix it, I am doing it myself. The problem is that I have fat fingers working on a 15 year old minivan with rusted out bolts and minimum mechanical experience. My queen had surgery on Friday and is still experiencing side-effects from the anaesthesia and the ball-bearings went out on my truck yesterday making a twenty minute drive from work an hour-and-a-half (at 15 MPH)and our only mode of transportation inoperable!

So with the prospects of our only form of transportation, Rosie's mom, leaving today I stayed up all night trying to get Rosie's car working but that nasty crankshaft pulley bolt just wouldn't budge, and it still won't. After three hours of trying I sat on the front step, smoked a cigarette, and cried for a while wondering how I/we were ever going to make it and whether it was even worth it to try! So at the risk of my self-destructive tendencies taking over with a vengeance, I took one my legally prescribed anti-anxiety drugs and got some sleep. So this morning I awoke and drove my queen's mom's car to the hardware store and rigged up a device to finally defy that nasty crankshaft bolt, but then I went back to bed for an unnecessary 6-hour depression/hopelessness nap. As I awoke, feeling even worse about myself than before, a member of our church was arriving with another hot meal for my queen and I along with a little gift from an anonymous source!

Now I can't disclose the nature of the gift, but I also can't tell you how much it will help and how it is helped already! The worst part about depression, especially the hopelessness aspect, is the nightmare of feeling like you're all alone in the world with no prospect of effecting your future. To our friends and family members, and I mean family members very liberally, I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your warm thoughts, hard efforts, delicious meals (I definitely want some recipes), and most importantly your love and compassion!

Now it wouldn't be the aspiring therapist in me if I didn't remind those struggling with depression and hopelessness, as I need to remind myself, that you can't always wait for goodness to find you to get yourself out of your funk; sometimes you've got to get yourself out. Be mindful, though, of how you feel when someone extends their hand to you, so that when the opportunity presents itself that you might be able to extend your hand to somebody is in the same position that you currently or previously reside. You just don't know how a little generosity, or in our case a lot of generosity, can make somebody's day. In my case it saved somebody's life!

My thanks and best wishes,
Andy

Thought of the Day

2011-04-17T08:00:00.000-04:00

Pharmaceutical company Pfizer should hire spirituality guru and philosopher Deepak Chopra to become a spokesperson for the drug Zithromax. It could be called the "Deepak Z-pack!" Have a great day.

Who is bailing out whom?

2011-04-16T08:00:00.001-04:00

This past week the US House of Representatives passed an order proposing a 90 percent tax on bonuses to employees of companies that received federal bailout money. I know this probably goes against popular opinion on so many levels, but you can't give or lend people money and then place stipulations after you give it. Next, what most people don't realize is that that most Fortune 500 companies don't just offer bonuses to their executives, but to all employees; even the ones making $9 to $15 per hour. Granted these employees aren't receiving large bonuses, but the accumulation of all these bonuses will be devastating to local economies across the country. Finally, there is the arrogant presumption of the House of Representatives who is punishing executives for running their companies into an unmanageable deficit while congress has been voting themselves pay raises while this country has been operating at a deficit since the 1940's!

It is incredibly shortsighted to lend or give money to these companies and then place stipulations after the fact. First of all, these executives who received the bonuses are all under contract based on revenues, cost reduction, and budget maintenance; even while the company is operating in the red. If the companies didn't pay these bonuses, the executives would have a guaranteed law suit against their employers. I supposed congress could have mandated that these bankrupted companies renegotiate contracts with their executives before they received their bailout money, but they did not. Imagine the bank loans a family money to buy a house and in the loan agreement only gave the details for repayment and management of the loan. So after the loan has been paid and repayment has begun the bank starts mandating what color the family can paint the walls or whether or not they can have any more children. Finally, the federal government didn't just give bailouts to the "Big Three" automakers and banks; they gave us all a bailout in terms of stimulus checks. What sort of outrage would there be if congress mandated how we could all spend our individual stimulus checks or tax refunds?

I work for a major shipping company. At the end of every quarter we receive a bonus check based on company revenue, production efficiency, and minimizing OSHA accidents. This is a practice that is generally held by most Fortune 500 companies whose workforce is based on manual labor. Now my last bonus check was around $50, but think about how much money that is spread over the entire blue collar workforce in this country. The "Big Three" automakers, who all received bailout money, employ 240,000 people in this country. That comes out to roughly $12 million each quarter or $48 million per year. With such a large number of these "Big Three" employees working in Detroit, think of what a detriment that would be to their local economy! With people moving out of that area in droves, a few million dollars per quarter would be a huge detriment to an already flailing economy.

On a side note, I love that former professional pitcher Roger Clemens was indicted for lying to congress when everybody in congress lies to congress! That is why I ironically love the idea of the US House of Representatives reprimanding executives of bankrupted companies that received bailouts while those same congressmen and women are operating this country under a deficit; all the while voting themselves pay raises. I propose that congress also pass a 90 percent retroactive income tax on all salaries that congress and the President have received above their 1940 salary when the national debt began. If we really want to punish this sort of behavior then maybe we should start at the very, very top of our social hierarchy and work our way down. This might seem farfetched, but how about we let our country's criminals write our crime legislation or let race car drivers set the speed limit?

Now I know when most people heard about this legislation, they though "right on!" The point I'm trying to make is that this is a more complicated, far-reaching piece of legislation that people realize. This won't just punish those "fat cat" executives, but it will punish hard working Americans and local communities. This is just a typical congressional overreaction in an attempt to pander to voters without thinking of the social and economic implications. This legislation will absolutely not make any headway in the attempt to change corporate corruption. It will only be another in a long line of failed, hypocritical attempts by congress to take money out of the pockets of hard working Americans to bailout a woefully inefficient federal government that is $14,300,132,000 in debt… $14,300,133,000… $14,300,135,000…

Jesus-ism: a case in point

2011-04-06T23:45:00.001-04:00

So a few moments ago, I was at the gas station pumping gas when a woman pulls up in a minivan. She was maybe a hundred pounds, had very few teeth, and was totally strung out. She called over to me, but I couldn't understand so I walked up to the car.

"Can I get some gas?" she asked "I got no money and I'm gonna be stranded out here if somebody doesn't help me."

I thought about it, decided there was little risk of harm at this well-lit gas station and replied,"I don't have a lot to spare, but if you pull up to a pump I can out ten dollars in."

"God bless you! God bless you!" she exclaimed.

We pumped her ten dollars worth and before she got back in she screamed at me,"God is gonna bless you and pay you back 10 fold for this; I'm gonna make sure! I'll pray for you and pray for you! I swear it!"

I said I appreciated the gesture but explained that I was in fairly good health with a good dependable job. I wasn't a felon and I didn't have any children to worry about. I said,"I'm in a pretty good place right now so why don't you save those prayers and that energy for yourself so that one day you won't find yourself in this situation."

"Oh, I'm just goin through hard times right now; that's all."

"So why don't you pray about that, let's make you the most important in this situation, and when you're in a better place, and if you remember me, you can put in a good word for me with the guy upstairs. Deal?"

She wept a little and as she climbed into her van she agreed but said,"the Lord sees everything so you still gonna be blessed. I can't thank you enough!"

That's Jesus-ism for you in a nutshell. "Paying it forward," not for what you might receive in the future, but because it's the right thing to do. I didn't pump free gas for the karma or the blessing, but because helping others makes you feel better about yourself and gain insight into who you really are as a person. So that 10 dollars I spent helping that poor woman get home, but in doing so I learned something about myself making the return on my investment absolutely priceless. Down with scripture, down with dogma, but up with Jesus-ism where we can actually make a difference in people's lives. Don't think we can make a difference? Just ask the woman who is home safe with her faith intact instead of passed out in a ditch or run over by a car. She is definitely a believer!

Go Bulldogs!

2011-04-04T07:59:00.001-04:00

If I were a Butler Bulldog I'd be vomiting with the knee knocking more than if a lady friend said she had to go to the doctor for morning sickness, alcohol aversion, and a missing period! I don't know how they do it, but I'm sure glad they do. Win or lose though, they are the class of college basketball and fantastic representatives of our state.

"when I say go you say Bulldogs!"

"go!"

"bulldogs!"

"go!"

"bulldogs!"

The Birth of Jesus-ism

2011-04-02T06:19:00.003-04:00

"The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle... That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable" Rev. Brennan Manning

As you may or may not know I work the third shift so the other day I came home at 5:15 in the morning and found that their was nothing to watch on television. So I was mindlessly clicking through the channels when I came across one of the Christian networks. I found myself intrigued by this gentleman who was so passionately preaching the word of God. He was running around on stage with a Bible in hand, sweating profusely, gesticulating wildly, and literally screaming into his wireless headset about how the path of Jesus is the path to our salvation and I found myself thinking, "wow, that is a really nice suit." I'll admit that I could hardly concentrate on his words, but I so intrigued by his surroundings.

First of all, though they called it a church it was really an amphitheater which probably held a couple thousand attendees. Next, the digital production technology was advanced enough to be used on Broadway or to put on a major market rock concert. Finally, the minister was wearing a thousand dollar suit while preaching in front of a 50-foot high neon cross with these beautiful angels adorning each side. I just kept asking myself how this multi-million dollar operation expected anyone to understand the teachings of a homeless traveler that spent his life preaching about such virtues as love, compassion, empathy, and most important: charity.

I see these large churches all over town. Churches that are so large that they have off-duty police officers on rental to control the traffic flow in and out on Sunday mornings. These places aren't churches, but more like religious complexes with more than enough room to utilize as the congregation sees fit. Some of these complexes even have a gymnasium, separate from the sanctuary, which leads me to ask what God needs with a gymnasium in his house. I don't think Jesus is planning on going on "MTV Cribs" anytime soon. It drives me bananas that these religious organizations, in the name of Jesus, pool their money and resources to build these complexes, which are truly monuments to their own collective wealth and accomplishments, when all of that money could be better used for the homeless, the hungry, the sick, and the weak. If you remember from the Bible, Jesus turned over the tables of the money changers and ran them out of the temple, so what do you expect he would think of these multi-million dollar complexes built to celebrate his teachings when there are people living in the trailer park down the street trying to financially triage what they can keep and what they must sacrifice to make it until their next paycheck; if their is a next one.

In my community meals-on-wheels doesn't operate on Christmas Day. So for over a decade members from my church, the Unitarian Universalist Church of Hendricks Country, wake up before 5am on Christmas Day and prepare a hot meal to be either delivered or enjoyed in-house for those elderly and less-fortunate that are either financially or physically unable to prepare a meal on this very, very special holiday. Because of these economic times, what started as generally a hot meal for the elderly has begun to include more families with children in need, so we also include a bag full of clothing and toys along with these, shall I say, quite delicious hot meals. Last year, in anticipation of serving over 400 meals, our minister approached the other local ministers at their monthly meeting and asked for any assistance possible from the other churches only to be received with silence and one question, "yes, but where do your congregation stand on salvation?" I just find it so interesting that on the celebration of Jesus' birth, a man who championed compassion, love, and charity above all else, the only people practicing what Jesus preached are the atheists, agnostics, Wickens, and religiously confused.

I have become slightly annoyed recently at the number of scriptures that are popping up on Facebook and the calls to find Jesus because the earthquakes, tsunamis, and collapsing economies and governments are indicators of the end of days. Now I would gladly and passionately defend everbody's right to say whatever they wish and practice whatever religion they desire, I do want to offer the parable of the loud prayer and the soft. Jesus tells of two people that enter the temple. The one walks into the center of the sanctuary and cries out his love for the Lord so that everyone can here him. The second person hides in the shadows and prays at a whisper so that nobody can hear this conversation with God. Jesus finishes the story by explaining that only the soft prayer would be heard by the Lord:

“And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." Matthew 6: 5-6

Personally, I don't care what people post on Facebook because if I get tired of it I can always block them or take them out of my feed, but what I do find disturbing is that these folks that love to quote scripture never seem to mention how they spent the day ringing a bell for the Salvation Army or volunteering at a soup kitchen. You can tell your spouse that you love them every morning and evening and spend the rest of your day sleeping with other people and we would all conclude that you don't really love them, but why do Christians that praise Jesus only with their words get a pass in life?

That is why I am a Jesus-ist. Whether you believe he is the son of God, or even if God exists, there is a historical basis for the existence of Jesus and that, in my own words, he was pretty cool. I don't memorize scripture, I don't take communion, I don't care how or why the world was created, and I don't sit around with others talking about how great Jesus was. I do though champion the virtues of love, compassion, empathy, charity, and understanding and I know it is cliche, but talk truly is cheap but actions do speak forever. If you love Jesus then don't just memorize his words but try to apply them to your life. If you were to ask Jesus today, or for that matter Martin Luther King, Jr., Mother Theresa, or even Gandhi, they would all tell you that they could care less that you remembered their words, but did those words affect change? I should warn you though, being a Jesus-ist isn't strictly a Sunday morning sort of thing, but a full-time job. Jesus-ism includes things like asking a stranger with a troubled look if they need some help, or holding the door for others. Being a Jesus-ist also includes things like meeting frowns with smiles, always offering a helping hand, and above all obeying the Golden Rule!

Now please, please, please don't contact me with any sort of retort or conversion attempt because the way I see it if you have the time to change my heart or mind you have the time to research a good local charity where you can volunteer your time. Now I will take requests for how we can meet up so you can drop off clothing for a tsunami victims clothing drive we are starting because that is "What Jesus Would Do."

Thought of the day

2011-03-21T04:56:00.001-04:00

It is paralyzing at times when you realize the only people that TRULY want you to succeed is yourself... If nobody is rooting against you then you aren't doing it right!

Thought of the day

2011-03-20T00:29:00.001-04:00

Workers' rights is a big issue these days with the NFL on lockout, state representatives on strike by hiding from the jurisdiction of their own state, and massive protests and live-ins at state capitals. Might I suggest you guys don't push too hard while unemployment combined with underemployment is in the double digits because you'll find a lot of corporate VP's and executives currently working at car washes, McDonalds, and Wal-Mart that would do damn near anything for your job and management knows this!!!

Thought of the day...

2011-03-16T08:50:00.001-04:00

The fear behind giving teenagers condoms is it will encourage them to have more sex. Well my queen, in her coupon frenzy, has 104 double rolls of Charmin in her home and trust me when I say I poop the same amount.

Have an excellent day!

"You can run and tell dat, run and tell dat... home, home, home boy!"

2010-08-26T20:12:00.003-04:00

Holy hell everybody needs to see this! First watch the news clip and then the parody video.

Enter the music video...

"Coming through... Denny Crane... Coming through please"

2010-07-26T13:51:00.004-04:00

Today's weight is 361.5 pounds. For the week, I have actually gained just under one tenth of a pound, but I am not worried one bit.

So I've been picking up extra shifts at FedEx so this Saturday I went in to help load trucks. I was working with this lady, who I'll admit was a little worse for wear, and we were sorting freight and loading it into baggage carts. She was having trouble remembering which cart was for which city so I explained to her how I was remembering. "It's really pretty easy. Just think A, B, C, and D. The first airport code has an A in it, the second code has a B in it, the third cart has a C in it, and the forth a D. Everything else goes in this cart over here."

"Nope! Not going to work. I'm not a young one like you. I'll never remember that. Besides I've got the "mad cow.""

"Haha! That's funny, like Denny Crane right?"

"Who?"

"You know, Denny Crane, from Boston Legal."

"That doesn't surprise me your friend from Boston has it too. People have been exposed to it for years and the government doesn't want to do anything about it because it makes us easier to control!"

I guess the world take all kinds...

What do pilots drive home?

2010-07-23T14:38:00.001-04:00

365 pounds. I'm clearly not losing any weight, but my job and my MMA cardio workout is becoming easier and making me less sore so I'd call it progress of a different sort.

On a side note (side bar), If I were a pilot, I'd own a Honda Pilot so that the back windshield would read, "Airline pilot's Pilot."

Daily weight(s)

2010-07-20T13:36:00.003-04:00

7/17/2010: 366
7/18/2010: 366.5
7/19/2010: 367
7/20/2010: 364.5

This MMA (mixed martial arts) style workout I found in the June, 2010 issue of Muscle & Fitness magazine is incredible! It's pretty hardcore though so I've adapted it slightly and I have recently added a weight lifting component. With the whole program in place I didn't anticipate gaining 7 or 8 pounds! It still baffles me when I notice my body getting smaller and more cut while my weight is moving in the opposite direction...

Today's Weight

2010-07-16T15:02:00.002-04:00

7/15/2010: 359.5
7/16/2010: 365

I have been getting overheated and nauseous at work so I've been making a point to be more mindful of my electrolytes. On the days that I'm working out and later going to work I have been drinking 2 20-oz Powerades. Most of the time I drink the Powerade zero so that I don't blow my wad calorie-wise, but when I can afford it I'll go with the high octane (200 calorie) Powerade fruit punch. I prefer Powerade over Gatorade because Powerade has a zero calorie option instead of Gatorade's G2 and I think the full calorie Powerade just taste better.. Then again, that is what works for me. Every body and every program is different.

The reason I'm even bringing this up is because all of those beneficial salts in sports drinks, just like naproxen sodium (Alieve) that I have mentioned earlier, when taken in consistent doses will lead to water retention. Don't worry though, as long as you are drinking enough plain old H2O your body will find a healthy balance and you'll find yourself in pretty good shape. Don't be surprised though if your body finds that balance by waking you up 6 or 7 times in the middle of the night for some marathon pee sessions, but I drink a gallon of water a day!

Today's Weight

2010-07-14T22:29:00.002-04:00

363.5 again! Go go gadget cardio!

Today's Weight

2010-07-13T20:48:00.001-04:00

363.5 pounds. Two days of rest has been nice, but tomorrow starts another 6 days of cardio. I'm very excited! No pain! No pain!

Dear Michael Vick,

2010-07-12T18:56:00.006-04:00

(Today's weight is 364 pounds. I hate it when you have a great lifting workout and you gain 5 pounds the next day)

So you were involved in a brawl outside some nightclub where coincidently a shooting took place later that night. I have to say that I am so freakin' proud of you! So is BET's documentary about your incarceration and return to football going to include the brawl and subsequent shooting? It really is one of your finer moments. I hope you thought through what living in Philadelphia would be like since the State of Pennsylvania is revoking your probation and will no longer allow you to leave the state. The good news is that Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger lives in Pittsburgh which is coincidentally also in Pennsylvania. You and Ben can bring Fido to some nightclub where you can get a good brawl going as a distraction so that your professional colleague can force his "Big Ben" on some other poor, resisting woman. If I were you though, I would pass on a getaway ride on his motorcycle. I hope you know he's already gone head first over the handlebars and you can't let Fido get injured or else you'll never hear the end of it...

I hope you don't mind but I've taken the liberty of rewriting that popular Shinedown song to include a verse about you, but I had to change the title from "Second Chances" to "Fifteenth Chances." Keep up the good work!

Best wishes,
Andy

There is always a girl…

2010-07-11T03:58:00.000-04:00

359 pounds.

About 3 months after the end of a two and a half year relationship, I decided to get a job as a "sandwich artist" at Subway. It was the start of the spring semester of my freshman year in college and I knew hardly anybody. When my girlfriend and I moved to town, we were still so wrapped up in each other that I never took the time to meet new people and when our relationship went south I found myself in a very lonely position and dealing with pretty serious depression that I had been using my relationship to mask. A few weeks after I started at Subway, a young woman and fellow college student started there and she brought so much light back into my life. She was smart, funny, hilarious, and had this smile that actually brightened the moods of the people around her. I remember she drove this total piece of shit car that she spray painted yellow and then painted these huge multicolored flowers all of it. She was always laughing and saw the humor and the beauty in everything around her. As we began to see each other more and more, we became inseparable. It was such an incredible feeling because as I had began to gain weight from all the recreational drinking, I could tell by the way she looked at me that she still saw the beauty that I possessed inside.

At the end of the academic year, I moved north to a different school and she moved south to cook at a Girl Scout camp, but for the 4^th of July she and a friend drove up to where I was going to school and my best friend and I took them to the carnival and the fireworks. So we got back to my apartment where my rainbow-colored sunflower told me that once the summer was over she was taking a job as a chef on a cruise ship so that night was going to be our last night together, or even in communication, for quite some time. So as the morning hours started to roll around, the young lady and I retired to my bedroom and we began to cuddle, which was actually the first physical contact we ever had. As we were drifting off to sleep in each other's arms, bottles clanging and drunken cursing alarmed us awake. I got up to see what was going on where I found my best friend on the balcony, drunk and in tears. We sat and talked and it turns out that he had tried to make a move on the friend and had been denied. I should have patted him on the shoulder and said better luck next time, but instead I sat down cracked open a beer and started discussing the pitfalls and hardships of being single in an attempt to get him out of his funk. After a few hours of talking, his mood started to lift as the sun started coming up over the horizon. So at a point of physical and emotional exhaustion, I headed back to the bedroom only to discover that her alarm was going to go off in four minutes! I climbed back into bed, woke her up, looked her directly in the eyes and we kissed. I apologized for wasting the night helping my friend and I asked her to remember me for that kiss and not as the hapless mess that I was becoming. At that point, the alarm went off, she and her friend got up, I walked them to her car, we kissed again, and then she drove off never to be seen again. Later as the single life raged on, I came to regret and regret missing every second with the cruise ship, rainbow-sunflower girl.

When I started in my quest towards 215 pounds, my therapist started talking about how important it was to take time for myself and suggested that I get a massage or two. The massages would be good for a 500 pound man who was exercising and it would be therapeutic for my soul. In beginning the process of finding a massage therapist and learning of all the different types of massage I came across a healing technique known as reiki. From what I understand, reiki is a type of massage that deals with getting your energy balances in order and the therapist actually channels the "bad energy" out of places of pain and discomfort and into their own bodies. Furthermore, this practice can't be performed by just anybody off the street because the therapist needs to have the ability of pushing that channeled bad energy out of their own bodies and back into the universe or else the therapist will then suffer their client's pain and discomfort. I thought the idea of this technique was totally preposterous, but now I'm singing a little different tune. Though I believe it to be scientifically unlikely, I really don't think it matters. What does matter is if the client and therapist come to a meeting of the minds. If the patient believes it will work and the therapist believes they are helping, then both parties will experience mutual benefit.

I mention this because I think I have been an unlicensed reiki therapist since I was 7 or 8 years old helping my mother deal with the trials and tribulations of a single, 40-year-old college student raising a child on child support and pell grants. In college, I had a fraternity brother that used to mockingly call me "mother goose" because I was always the one that would seek out those who were in emotional distress and help them get to the bottom of their problems. Though they, and I many times, were too drunk to remember the situation or what exactly was said it would always end it with, "you are a man above men and WE will get through this." The problem was that not only was I not educated in reiki, but I had no education in any sort of therapy, so their fears, pain, and problems became my fears, pain, and problems. And though that pain is what eventually drug me beneath the surface of the water and all the way to the bottom, it was only a welcomed distraction from the huge knife in my belly, or my own personal hell of pain, sadness, despair, and darkness. At that point, as I lay weighted down at the bottom with a knife in my belly, there were very few "clients" that came to see how I was doing. It got to the point that I enjoyed living at the bottom because it meant that there was nobody that needed my magical hands anymore.

I guess I bring this up because earlier this evening I was looking on facebook at pictures of that same friend's wedding. It was so great to see him so very happy and that those sad, sad nights on my balcony with the Bud Lights had finally become a distant memory. As I continued through the pictures I noticed other familiar faces and thought of all the emotional battles that we had fought together, and then I started to feel sad that I missed out on such a joyous celebration. I started thinking of all of the people that I grew up with and struggled though my early 20's with and I realized that probably 95% of them are now married and of those 95% five of them invited me to their wedding. I'm happy to say that of those five, I managed to make four of them, but god do I feel like such a damned fool! To this day I remember every single one of the heart-to-heart conversations with my friends and brothers, but it seems that it didn't mean enough to anybody else to get my name on a guest list. Now this probably makes me sound angry and bitter, but truthfully the only person I hold responsible for any of this is me. My motto used to be that "every beer is an adventure," but in retrospect if it isn't an adventure then its at least a story, and trust me I have a million stories to tell and a bottle cap collection as evidence. But based on distribution of invitations the only person that gives a damn about all these stories, from all those beers, is the fool that is telling them. I guess this kills me so much is because without all those stories, without all those tough times that I thought I was helping my friends through, then all I have to show for the past 13 years of my life is humiliation, embarrassment, and shame for all of the opportunities that I've squandered. After looking through those albums I feel like a crack pot and a first class fool to say the least.

I remember an episode of Family Guy where they did a Dawson's Creek spoof and the theme song went, "high school; because this stuff really matters…" During any given time in college I was carrying at least one of seven people, emotionally and financially, and today only one of them ever contacts me. When my queen and I started dating, she used to complain that she just wished she could understand why her ex-husband was the way he was. She just wanted to understand him, and I would tell her that the fact that you don't understand him is a joy because it means that you aren't as crazy as he is and to understand him means you have give up your own sanity. I spent so much of my early 20's living in other peoples' dysfunction because I was just too scared to make the effort to take advantage of the opportunities I had right in front of me.

I grew up on the story of the man who was walking the beach and came across a little boy throwing sea turtles back into the ocean. The man said to the boy, "Look down the beach at all of those sea turtles that will die if they aren't returned to the sea in the next few minutes. You can't possibly think you can make a difference." The little boy smiled, picked up another turtle, and flung it into the ocean and replied, "I made a difference to that one right there." It would be great to know there was at least one time that I made a difference in the last 13 years, but that isn't going to magically change the mistakes that I have made or make the road ahead any less cumbersome. It's true, I am bitter, but I want to make clear that it is intended at nobody other than me. For each and every one of those characters from those million stories, I want nothing but the best for each and every one of them. My psychiatrist recently prescribed xanex and for some reason I've been reluctant to take them as if I'm afraid of being happy, but I see now that happiness will always be a fool's errand as long as I sit here depressed wishing it to come closer. So tonight I think I will take a pill to help swallow down that sadness and shame so that tomorrow I can rise rested and refreshed and ready to do something to be proud of, because pride is the greatest drug of all!

Today's weight

2010-07-08T19:59:00.000-04:00

355.5