♥ Triple Dose of Whiteley ♥

The Hectic Arrival of Addilyn Rae

2013-07-23T09:16:00.000-06:00

I had been back and forth about induction for a million selfish reasons, and a few real ones for a while now. I was sitting at 5cm dilated and talking with my midwife about what I should do and I finally decided that IF the hospital was free and clear the next day, I would go in. if it was busy, then I’d happily take that as a sign and stay home.

Friday, July 19 I call the hospital who tells me they aren’t busy, and to come straight in.

Drew and I walk in the hospital, get checked in, and start getting settled in my room. My nurse was just doing her job, but she obviously didn’t know my plan, and she obviously was out of her comfort zone when I stood up for what I wanted. She tried to get me hooked up to an IV, but I told her that I believed it was agreed upon that I’d just get the hook up in case I needed it. She tried to tell me that without Pitocin, I would sit there in a hospital bed without contractions. I replied (nicely) back that since the plan was to break my water to start contractions, we’d just start with that. She reluctantly agreed and went to get the equipment.

Julie (my midwife) was in the or with a patient who was delivering her twins, so she had the on call ob come and break my water to try and bring on labor. I was instructed that Julie was going to go to an appointment and she’d be back either when I called her or in a few hours when my contractions were picking up.

Well contractions came and went and since I was prepared to use hypnobabies, I popped in my headphones and went to work focusing and relaxing through each pressure wave/contraction. Drew was worried and kept a keen eye on the monitors (which hated when I was doing anything but sitting still in bed). I don’t know why they let us come into the hospital because they obviously were shorthanded for the amount of babies they were delivering that day. My nurse only came in to check on me at first and once to leave a bag of Pitocin on the counter reminding me that if I wanted Julie to deliver my baby, I only had until 5 that afternoon to do it. (I knew she had a prior engagement beforehand, but I was pretty dang confident that my second labor would be shorter than my first which would put me HOURS under the time limit to get Julie.) She then said that they had better pick up or I’d have to get hooked up. The pressure got more intense, but I was calm and able to easily focus and get through them without any pain at all.

After a while, the baby’s heart rate went down really low on one contraction, and then just normally low on the rest. This is normal, but Drew didn’t know that, and the poor man was sitting there watching me, at a loss of how he could do anything, without anyone there to ask questions to so he started asking them to me. This of course, broke my concentration, and wham bam all of a sudden things started to feel much different. Drew tried to call for a nurse, but no one came. Finally after him freaking out (again understandably so) and I had to try to calm him down which in turn made things worse for my stronger and harder waves I finally told him that I couldn’t do this and I told him that I needed something to kill the pain. I was so sad and at such a loss that without support, with me having to reassure someone besides myself, and without help from a nurse or anyone who actually knew what they were doing, then I was doomed.

When drew was FINALLY able to find the nurse (the lady at the counter was on the phone and could not be disturbed) I told her that I needed to be checked. If I had not progressed, then I would concede and get the epidural. I was at an 8. Smack dab in the middle of transition. She called Julie who was just leaving to come anyway, and then she came to help me. Finally. At this point I was losing myself with each contraction. The intensity and power of my body honestly was getting to be more than I knew how to handle without the focus and concentration I had planned on with hypnobabies. (seriously… should have got a doula). My nurse came over during one of them and pushed on my knees, putting enough pressure on my hips through that motion, and it gave me something to hold on to. Drew finally had a job, he finally had someone to ease his worries, and I was able to find ways to take attention off of what was happening. I found that moaning and screaming helped SO much, but not because it hurt (although it hurt. By this point the pain was insane and like nothing I’ve ever experienced) but because it gave me something to focus on besides the pain. So each contraction/wave I took ice chips in my mouth and started crunching, had drew run over and shove my knees towards me, and I covered my mouth and screamed (so as not to disturb anyone else and again to have something to focus on that would trump what was going on in my abdomen).

I had the nurse check me again when I felt like something else needed to happen. I didn’t feel like pushing per se, but I wanted to be doing something productive. This sitting here and trying to get through contractions wasn’t satisfying me at all anymore. The nurse said I had a lip of cervix left and that I couldn’t push because yada yada the cervix could swell up. BULL. I’m a reader. I’ve read an insane amount on labor this pregnancy and EVERYTHING I’ve read says that when there’s only a lip left, it can be very likely that pushing with someone pushing the lip out of the way can be at least attempted and then backed off of if things start to look wrong.

She kept saying not to push, and I kept saying ok, but still slightly pushing to see if it felt better than a contraction. I started second guessing myself and asked the nurse for just a little bit of fentenal to take the edge off until I could push. She pushes the nurse call button and the person on the other end couldn’t hear my nurse and kept asking “what was that? I can’t understand you, what? What was that?” while the speaker was right in my ear during an insanely strong contraction. I actually yelled at my nurse at that point saying never mind, I didn’t care, just make her shut up.

Julie walks in and the air comes back in the room again. I feel like I no longer have to be the one to fight for what I want, I have a knight in shining armor. She slips on the gown as she’s informed that I have a lip left, she starts ignoring the nurse, turns to me and tells me to listen to my body.

I could have kissed her.

I push a little at the end of that contraction, and Julie asks if I want to push in the position I am in or not. I tell her no, and I’d like to turn over.

One contraction is spend on my side. I flip over on my stomach, head just over the upwardly reclined bed, gripping the top, and then I get another contraction where I actually start pushing. Things take off on their own and I feel her moving downwards. I get a ten second break where I feel like pushing between a contraction, and I do. The next one hits and I feel her moving down, down, down and then a pop. No ring of fire, just a pop. 2 second break. A little more pressure and another pop as my sweet husband grabs ahold of her shoulders with Julie and brings her into this world.

I collapse on my stomach without the strength to turn around and look at my new daughter and I hear my wonderful husband try to tell me, his voice catching in his throat “sam, she’s so beautiful!” he was in complete awe. That in itself was more rewarding than seeing her actual face. After about a minute I find the strength to turn around and I’m handed my little girl.

After another minute the cord stops pulsing and Julie had drew cut that as well.

We only had one hiccup where the nurse without me even noticing hooked me up to Pitocin and Julie noticed and got after her and told her to stop, that she only does that if there is a problem, and with me there was obviously no problem.

I gave drew the reins on naming her while we were in the nursery.

Addilyn Rae.

I’m so dang in love.

Bow-Ya!

2013-06-29T21:11:00.001-06:00

Did you know that even though I haven't been blogging, life has gone by terribly quickly?
I'm within 30 days of my due date (although I still think she could come after the due date like her brother) and I'm getting a little on the large side. I actually bought an exercise ball today so I can sit on it and give my poor poor pelvic bones a rest.

Also, since I'm having a girl, I'm pretty fond of hair accessories to show off the fact that she is indeed, a girl.

Pintrest has been one of my best friends. So has my glue gun, and my thread and needle. I've known how to sew a long long time, but I've never really utilized the skill before, unless I was making a blanket.
I'll be linking all the tutorials I've followed under the picture of the actual thing I've made in case you'd like to do it as well :) Since I'm bragging and all...

This pregnancy I've made
A Carseat Cover

Here's How although I only kind of followed along.. I just got the jist of what she was doing and did my own thing.

a Nursing cover (that I don't have a picture of, or a tutorial.. I just figured it out on my own.

Newborn baby circle skirts

Here's How and they are SO SO SO easy!!! It took me maybe 15 minutes per skirt?

Burp Cloths

No tutorial for this. I just cut out a bunch of flannel fabric at around 10in x 17 in or so, put the right sides together, sewed around the edges leaving a gap on one side, flipped the right sides out and sewed around the edges to close up the gap and give it a finished look.

and Bows.

Lots and lots of headbands/bows/fabric flowers.

For this I kind of sort of figured it out myself, but this is mostly how I did it. although I just used my glue gun and then when it looked wibbily wobbly I cut off some height to make it more even. (here's how)

I really had fun doing this because it's actually pretty easy. the hardest part is finding a way to cut so many circles out. I didn't buy jersey fabric, I just cut up an old high school t-shirt, but it looks darn cute to me
(here's how)

These are super easy, and as you can tell I got better as I practiced. (here's how) You can either attach them to the band or put a clip on them

This wasn't my favorite to make, it's hard, it takes a long time, and as you can see I kind of gave up at the end. It still looks cute, but I'll probably choose other things over this one. The instructions are just off a pin picture, but here's what I had. (here's how)

This one I just followed what you did for the petals for the one above, but instead of sinching the side, I just pulled the bottom together, tied a knot in the thread so it wouldn't come apart, then sewed up the side (you can barely see it's a crease) and tied that off.

These are some of my favorites! (Here's how) although I just put felt on the back and put a clip on it instead of sewing it onto a Headband.

I've posted the tutorial for these before, but they're SO easy! I did this for super saturday (a church craft activity day) and the ladies picked it up quickly. (here's my how with a link to the original tutorial)

These are super duper easy as well! Drew thinks they look like rolled up socks....silly boy. I think they're adorable. (here's how)

I plan on doing even more... because I'm crazy. but the cost of making your own by FAR outweighs the price of buying them!

if you're interested, here's a bunch of things I'm planning on doing sometime in the next little while, if I can :)
have fun!!
http://www.duitang.com/people/mblog/46568845/detail/
http://www.scribd.com/doc/97246228/tcm-perfect-sculpted-tiny-felt-bow-for-headband-pattern http://www.greylikesbaby.com/
http://tatertotsandjello.com/2011/04/porch-makeover-part-2-make-10-minute.html
http://mothersniche.com/how-to-make-barefoot-sandals-for-babies/
http://jordanapaige.com/blog/2013/04/tutorial-diaperchanging-pad-clutch.html
http://www.danamadeit.com/2012/03/celebrate-baby-spring-dye-bath-the-good-the-bad-and-some-tips.html

You'll never guess what porter said

2013-05-16T16:57:00.000-06:00

I had a naked child come up to me today (he won't potty train, but once he feels his diaper is full he'll take it off and run around naked until he brings me a diaper...) and says

"mommy look! perr (porter) has a big penis! LOOK MOMMY! a big peebus!"

yeah. that just happened.

and may I add in that he refused to stop saying it until I agreed? I tried to change the subject, he wouldn't give that to me :) crazy child.

My Favorite Part

2013-03-27T23:05:00.001-06:00

I've really reached my favorite part of pregnancy.

This little girl is about as big of a mover as her brother was/still is. She rolls and nudges and kicks and flips. There was one point it felt like she was running in circles like you could do in a circle underwater. I always have wished there was some thing you could hold over your stomach that would let you see straight in. Not like an ultrasound, but legitimately SEE what moves and karate action they're performing in there.

I'm in love with this little girl. She, I'm sure, loves her brother. They're already teamates. I slept at my mom's house last night and porter was in the porta crib in the same room as me. He starts yelling at me to wake up, wakes up the little miss and she kicks while he yells as if it was planned!

I've been really blessed to have not even noticed I'm pregnant for almost whole days. In another way it makes me sad though. I love being pregnant. even when I'm puking like I did with porter, or having huge headaches or dizzy spells with her. It's such a miracle. I don't have to fight as long or as hard as some, but I have to fight my own long and hard battles to get pregnant. The process consumes me, and it's often a very hurtful process (especially when I am blessed with a baby and then proceed to lose it.)

I want to enjoy every day. I want to look back on every pain with gratitude because it meant I was that much closer to holding my little girl in my arms. I fought for her, I cried for her, I waited for her, and I still can't believe that I was finally blessed with her.

Porter is still hard as most 2.5 year olds are, but he's a complete gem. He's so loving and caring. He's so sweet spirited AND handsome. He's polite and almost always uses his Please and Thank You's. He's so creative and so immaginitive. He loves to be outside in the sunshine. He's the easiest kid in the world to put to bed, and sometimes asks for it. He knows just how funny and cute he is and finds joy in practically everything. He's amazed by the world, he's curious as can be and he's grateful for things that most would just expect out of life.

I have to say you guys, I am just so twitterpated with my life right now. It's not perfect, and I have my fair share of trials, but I'm so aware of all the wonderful blessings I've been given that the hardships are so much easier to bear.

It blows my mind that the world is mostly full of people who search their whole lives to find someone who they can fall in love with and spend the rest of their lives with, to find the one thing that makes them feel happy and sucessful, when I found it at such a young age. I can't imagine what else there is in life besides this. It's who I was meant to be. It's what I was made for.

waking up every morning to this

Dear Banana

2013-03-04T10:27:00.001-07:00

I was feeling oh so woozy and hot flashy and dizzy this morning. Thank you for makin me feel really good in just a few minutes. Well... good enough to make Chicken Noodle Soup. Pass my thanks along to chicken noodle soup for making me feel all the way better. Now I can go buy some cute baby things.

love sam

ps. you can thank gwen Stefani for making that song pop in my head every single time I write/type banana.

I need help guys. I want to find CHEAP headbands. I want to have one of those girls that usually has a bow/headband on her head. Help me do it?

Think Pink!

2013-02-26T12:52:00.002-07:00

oh my goodness...

holy gee whiz...

What do I do with a GIRL?!

It's terrifying! I'll have to help her find herself, help her be sweet and compassionate, help her have confidence in herself and not bring others down while not letting others bring her down. I have to help her through boys and then marriage and then having babies of her own. It's overwhelming. Just like I felt when I thought about having porter. It's hard because I am one of the most carefree people, unless you tell me I am responsible for these children growing up into good people. People that others will look up to.

I am however also excited for so much. Dresses and hair and cute girly things are just the beginning :)

She (I still can't believe I'm saying that) will be amazing and sweet and beautiful just like her brother.

Someone wake me up because I feel like I'm dreaming. How did I get so blessed?

bop on the hand

2013-02-11T10:24:00.001-07:00

I've been so wonderful through this pregnancy! I'm just so happy to be blessed in such a sweet sweet way! The opportunity to be trusted with teaching another sweet spirit. It's amazing. The rulers of pregnancy are very fair though... even though I got nausea for one week and haven't yaked once, I've been getting hit with most everything else. Headaches that last for days, a super sniffer, shortness of breath, heartburn, and many many other things. The thing is, I look at this pregnancy as such a gift, such a monumentus blessing, that my outlook on things has been so different then when I was pregnant with porter. I do my best and don't complain. I tell drew when I'm having issues that are a little too painful for me to keep inside, but it's more of a matter of fact "this is what's happening" thing. I'm quite proud of myself!

Porter had surgery and has been such a trooper when it comes to keeping his gauze cast on and such. He's so cute! We went to the doctor last week and they took it off and he flipped out seeing the stitches in his thumb :( we'd be able to survive with him wearing only a band aid over it now, but we had to wrap it all back up so he wouldn't fiddle with it when I wasn't looking. We SHOULD be able to take the stitches out and keep the cast off tomorrow! I'm so excited! I should go find you some pictures of the gnarly hand he has. BAM. AND HIS THUMB IS STRAIGHT!!!!!!

He's also been so good at his vocabulary! If I tell him to use his words, he actually has very clear realistic ways to communicate to me. (now we have to work on his acceptance of the word "no" lol, but that'll hopefully come with time.)

Well lately about the baby I have hit the weird middle stage, when I'm starting to show, but I don't know what it is and I don't have a name for it, and I haven't felt any movement so I just feel like I'm getting bigger but I dont' feel pregnant. It's been a little harder than normal because I haven't felt exactly connected to the baby yet. In my mind I should be so bonded because I'm so overjoyed and I really recognize how blessed I am to have this little one, but I haven't allowed myself to get too attached because of all the what if's that are all so terrifying. you know, "what if the reason I haven't felt movement is because it passed away", "what if I lose it later on" things like that.

I've developed a habit of placing one hand on my stomach at night when I lie down just in case I may possibly feel something. a nudge, a kick, a roll, a flutter, but nothing has come. I can feel my heartbeat pumping blood under my hand, but that's about it.

Last night I realized all of a sudden that about half a second before I'd felt a kick. The blood zooming around under my hand sometimes nudged my hand and made me think "was that?" but I usually realized it was nothing. This though, this was a kick, nothing that hard (or in such a small area) would come from pumping blood. I instantly burst into tears of relief, of happiness, of joy. The baby is ok and I'm so silly for ever having let those doubts get in my head in the first place.

I have my first appointment with my midwife on the 22nd, she will make an appointment at the hospital for my ultrasound to find out what the baby is at that time. Hopefully we can find out before the end of the month! I'm just so excited!!

I will do better at keeping y'all updated... I just need to get on my actual computer more! lol.

Mother of all catch ups!

2013-01-17T17:01:00.002-07:00

breathe in, breathe out. I haven't written for a while!

It's weird. as I've left the blog'o sphere I somehow thought maybe the whole thing would pause with me. Am I that self centered that I thought people's lives were going to stop being awesome and good enough to write about? no not really, I just kinda slowly forgot about this place.

Well as a quick catch up.

We moved to the Salt Lake Valley, Drew got a new Job, we moved from a house to an apartment I don't love... and we're having a baby in july which I'm so so so blessed and happy about.

I'm overwhelmed by the love and support we've received with all of these changes. I was thinking about not making a big announcement about the baby but drew convinced me that there were people out there who wanted to celebrate with me. I have people very close to me that have been trying much harder for much longer to have a baby of their own, and I didn't want it to seem like I was being insensitive to them. I could not believe what happened when I wrote that sentence on facebook. Holy cow. Over 105 likes and over 36 comments of people virtually hugging me. It's so amazing to feel so loved. I really appreciate it! Now let's just get this little one here safely!

The move has been overwhelming, but mostly really good! Drew is doing great in his job, and it's a STEADY INCOME! talk about blessed! It's been hard for me to be with porter 24/7 with little help during the week. Add that to january blues and I've been a little down but that'll absolutely get better as it gets warmer!

Porter is cute as ever, but the cuter he gets, the more of a stinker he becomes. He's realized he has some control over his life and he likes to assert it any way possible. He's learned how to Open doors and he can reach all the light switches so bedtime has been a challenge. He is getting surgery on the 31st of this month on his hand because He has trigger finger :( poor kid! The doctor actually said that it's possible he may have been born with it and we didn't notice. I hope he hasn't gone that long!

Well. Laundry calls, but we're grateful to everyone. Seriously. Also sometime in feb, drew will be gone for 2 weeks. if you live nearby I'll be dying for visitors!! Just so you know!

Porter and His Personality

2012-12-22T21:46:00.001-07:00

It boggles my mind WHO porter is these days. It also makes me smile to see how even though he is his own individual person, he's got a lot of certain things from me and others from drew.

For example. Porter is such a social bug. He's a little hesitant of people for about 3 minutes and he either gets to know the people or in a big crowd accepts that he won't know anyone but they're safe. He's adventurous and carefree like me BUT He's terrified of heights like his daddy. Like super terrified. He won't go down slides, and he won't climb higher than he feels comfortable.

He's such a charmer like his mom and dad :) but the flirt is all me. ha ha ha ha we all know it's true!

Uncle Jarom has a girlfriend that's cute and porter loves her. He's always a fan of a pretty girl. The other day we were all hanging out and we had to leave the house for a little bit. He says his goodbyes and then right when we go to leave he walks up to her, taps her on the leg and motions for her to lean down. As he's making his come hither motion with his hands he asks "kiss? kiss?" over and over again until he got one. He's a persistent bugger. He covered his tracks by asking everyone else for one afterwards but you know he totally only wanted one.

He's got such a talk back attitude lately which is partially because of his dad (ok me too..) and partially because he's two years old.

He's a comedian and he is totally in the stage of repeating everything we say and stating the very very obvious. If you can understand what he's saying then you'd see he actually has a wonderful vocabulary haha the trick is understanding what he's saying every time.

I'm just blessed. so blessed. even though he's always getting into what he shouldn't, even though he draws on the walls and talks back to me and refuses to listen to me until I've said something for the 6th time... I'm so blessed!!

Re-pizazing myself

2012-11-08T10:04:00.002-07:00

I've been doing so good the last month. I love that I've found such peace in this process. I've become more okay with the fact that I'm not pregnant and probably won't be for a while than I ever thought possible. I still have ouch moments, like realizing I'd be 7 months pregnant right now.. that's never fun. I just can't dwell on it.

Now that all of the sadness is gone I've been working at improving myself. I got sucked into a pretty serious depression for a few weeks and it changed me a little... well a lot. I became much more negative and much much more lazy. I stopped cleaning, I wasn't a super good mom, and I was a horrible wife. I think no matter what, once you have a child or even before you have a child you can forget that your husband is your best friend. I let myself forget that and I let myself forget that he's there to have fun and goof off with. in a way I forgot that he was someone I am in a relationship with and started thinking of him as someone I'm just going through life with.

I've been working hard to fix that. To remember how much he makes me laugh, how funny he is, how HOT he is, how kind and thoughtful he can be!

One of the best things I've done this week was to insist we go on a date.

First I got all dolled up for him :)

Drew's brother came over to watch porter, and we took off down to ogden. I've never been to Five Guy before and I've heard about how amazing it is. I LOVED it! oh my gosh! my only complaint is that we didn't get enough food :) I was stuffed but I did NOT want to stop eating it! oh my gosh!

Isn't he so smokin?!

We has so much fun, we cracked jokes, teased each other, and laughed, something maybe some of you have never gone without, but thanks to me, we've missed it a lot.

We then were an hour earlier than expected, so we hung out in the movie theater lobby, just talking, remembering and rekindling.

then we watched

IT WAS SO FUNNY!

drew and I are big video game fans anyway and this was so stinking cute and clever we laughed the whole time... except where we both almost cried at two parts (we're such emotional parents)

I felt so refreshed after it was over! I feel so much better!

and here is my porter funny :) he sounds like sean connery when he says Yesh

he also keeps telling me I'm pretty with very amazing clarity :) You'll see.

A Great Big World

2012-10-31T14:33:00.003-06:00

mmmm. I had the BEST weekend. maybe ever.

So see, years ago my roomate Jelli and I were watching the hills -in different rooms mind you- and we both heard this awesome song and we both separately were searching for hours to find out who had sung the song. Turns out it was this guy named Ian Axel. We were hooked from then on.

Then as time went on he came out with new music that also got bigger (there's one that's the theme song to mtv's show "I used to be Fat".

Porter became a fan.
And then ian's writing partner became his singing partner and so the name transformed into a band called A Great Big World.

they released a song that porter and I LOVE.

They then went on a tour. and as luck would have it he did a HOUSE concert in Salt lake.
BEST THING I'VE EVER DONE.

It was amazing. Greg Holden performed as well, and he's absolutely going to be joining my music library. then came Ian and Chad.
they were so much fun!
look how close I got to sit!!

I got to talk to them afterwards and they were so sweet and genuine. I wish I had more friends that were such awesome people! I felt so fortunate to have met them :) I hope they come back and that you guys fall in love with their music as much as I love it!

The new ep came out yesterday by the way, it's 5 dollars on itunes and even i could afford that! get it!

Let's Talk

2012-10-20T14:50:00.001-06:00

Hey there.
I have just returned from a hiatus from blogs. I felt horrible that I kept writing things that were so down and depressing. Truth was, I was quite depressed.

Trying to have a baby has been one of the hardest things I've done in a long long time. I've opened up my heart to a baby that doesn't seem to want to come to us. Over and over again I see all these symptoms that HAVE to be because I'm pregnant, yet every month the truth is staring me in the face, my uterus is still barren and empty.

Last month was the worst. Last month I had this intuition that told me that this was the month. This was it. It wasn't hope, I knew it wasn't just hope, it was something I KNEW. My mind stopped thinking "when I get pregnant" but more like "now that I"m pregnant". I was so sure that I was pregnant that I had an announcement planned out in my head. I knew how and when I was going to tell everyone. I was so happy and so excited.
But I was wrong.

I felt almost as if I'd had another miscarriage. I was THAT sure of it. After that month, I sunk down inside of myself. I read book after book, I cried every day, I couldn't handle it. I started hating myself and hating other people. I got bitter and jealous of those who got pregnant when they wanted to, all my friends who have been so blessed, I started crying that it wasn't me. I picked fights with drew, and I wasn't being a very good or patient mom to porter. I almost felt like I'd imploded.

I have a wonderful patient husband who helped me out of that hole, he helped me distract myself and finally I'm really feeling like myself again. I'm feeling happy again. I'm not nearly as bitter.

After a whole lot of prayer and reflection, I know that it has all been for a reason. I know that I will eventually get another baby whether it's next month or in a few years. I'm still just as determined, and the want is stronger than ever, but I've decided to do something unconventional. I've given up hope. I no longer expect to have a baby anytime soon. I doubt every month that it will happen. I also will be ok with the fact that I might not have a baby for a long time.

I'm not relaxing,( please, oh please never tell anyone who's trying to have a baby to "just relax"... please)but I'm giving up. and I'm ok with it.

I need to stop talking about it, I need to stop writing about it, and I need to start telling you how flipping adorable my 2 year old little boy is!

Fun story to end off the day

I was hanging up my shower curtains the other day and little porter walks in, pulls his thumb out of his mouth and says
"OH.....MY..........GAW"
Now to teach him how to add shhh at the end of it ;)

My mommy moment

2012-08-23T20:21:00.002-06:00

I have been trying to absorb every little moment with Porter. He's my sweet boy and there's so many people who are fighting tooth and nail to get what I already have. Not to mention that when I eventually DO have another baby I'll be full of worry if I'm spending enough time with Porter. So I'm going to suck in every second I can.

So I took him to the park today. He's becoming a bit of a chicken... I'm not exactly thrilled with that since he used to LOVE slides but now he just whines and yells "mom hhel" (yes he totally cusses, but only because he's trying to say help) so I gave up on trying to take him down them.

I picked him up, he wrapped his legs around my stomach and I sat down on a swing. I kept my left arm around his back and held on with my right hand, and he did the same, holding me with one hand and holding the chain with the other.

For 15 minutes we swung.

Holding each other. Him digging his head in just below my shoulder, and as I inhaled my son's scent, I looked down and noticed something. He had turned his head, dug his nose into my shirt and then took a deep breath.
He was smelling me too.

Then it hit me, I'm his mommy.

I know I'm his mom but sometimes I'm really reminded of what that means. That the feelings between me and him aren't just the ones that I feel, they include the way he feels about me. He loves me, he likes the scent of me, he is comforted by me, when he wakes up at night he looks up to me. It boggles my mind because I don't think of myself as someone to look up to, some days I don't find myself of much worth, but HE DOES.

I love him so much. I'm so grateful that I have him. I can't ever imagine my life going any other way.

Isn't he cute?

word vomit?

2012-08-22T14:47:00.002-06:00

I have had writers block. mainly because I can only think of one thing to write about (aka how i'm still not pregnant) and I don't want to sound extra whiny... again.

So here's what comes out and maybe this will kick start a whole weekend of Blog posts.

I've been lazy. I have been a keep the house clean so I can watch tv all day kind of person. I don't love when I get in these little zones... but it's better than nitpicking every twitch or feeling my body has and then recording it according to my cycle day.. ya. I'm that obsessed.

Lately I jumped on a new show. These are dangerous since if it's an old show I can walk in and out of the room because I know what will happen... new shows require all your attention. and this one...

oooh dear. The first 6 episodes were BOOOORING. but then.. I got sucked in somehow (pun not intended although I laughed when I realized I'd made it.. cause I laugh at my own hilarity) and now I can't stop watching it. There's only 2 seasons on netflix but I was just informed by the internet that season 3 will be available in 6 days. Aren't you so excited world?

I've also been doing a little bit of this here and there

Because my stomach kinda still does that thing where it folds over the rest of my stomach.. but not like normal fat, mama fat. So I'm not chunky but I'm tired of being able to fold a part of myself over. ew. (or I could just get pregnant so no one- especially me- will care)

Also, we've been busy with a lot of this since it's absolutely the most fun. (sorry it's sideways... don't watch it anyway it may make you motion sick.... but it's absolutely worth getting motion sick for how AWESOME his laughs are :)

He's an awesome person to tickle. His outrageously cute laughs are my crack.

He's also doing this next week........

waaaaaaaah?

who says? I don't know if I can allow it.

it's not fair!

I hate all the fits and the screaming and the hitting and the meltdowns and the crying even when he gets what he asked for...

but I DO happen to love the hugs, the many many many deliberate kisses, the voluntary cuddles, the thank yous (he has such good manners) the smiles, the copy cat words and the cuteness!

so I'm sure I'll have to go out in the sun and weed and kill lots of spiders and get this yard ready and presentable for Porter's birthday. I'm also pretty sure you'll at least get one "HOLY COW WHERE DID THE TIME GO" post :)

yey!

and there's my word vomit.

oh this week.

2012-08-05T18:29:00.003-06:00

Let's start this off with a funny picture of porter

It was kind of a week to whine about :P

seriously

On Saturday I went to Bear Lake with the In-laws and got burnt worse than I've ever been burnt before. (in other words it is now 1 week and 1 day later and I still have a spot on my leg that hurts very badly.. weird.)

I also managed to get some insane tanlines.. like there's a line below each knee where it seems my knees got covered in sunscreen and my legs did not. also there's the white fingerprints of all sizes from myself and from porter...

On Sunday I was just burnt. drew had a spot on his arm and porter had a spot on his back.. It was no bueno.
Monday I went to Snowbird which was sooo much fun except the fact that I was burnt and that Porter was in a place unknown to him so he would not nap. I took him to be teething since he's been all drooly lately and then when he got a stuffy nose I still thought "oh teething". Then he proceeded to not sleep at all well.. I got an hour's of solid sleep. He was cute during the day though regardless of being cranky half of the time.

See? stinking cute. Plus look how gorgeous it is up there! I spent time with the awesome family even though we were only there for 24 hours... almost exactly.
Tuesday we came home and I noticed my throat getting a little sore. I thought "oh no.. he's not teething is he?" and then after yet another super sleepless night I realized that no he is not in fact teething this is a whole full fledged illness. I woke up feeling a little worse but I went and bought porter cold medicine which is not really easy to find for a 2 year old. not at all. (not that he's actually 2 yet.. I still have 3 weeks or so........)
Thursday I woke up (from another bad night with porter) feeling like I slept with a house on top of me. Super achy body, head about to explode and no hope in breathing out any part of my nose even if I chopped it off.
Friday was about the same
Saturday I thought "I should make a healthy snack" so I got an avocado out of the fridge, cut it in half, and like my father taught me, you stab a knife in it and pull the pit out whole. I did and it didn't come out so my thought process went something like "oh it's a hard pit I should hit a little harder".
I stabbed that pit harder than I thought and it took a chunk out of it and the knife proceeded right through that soft Avocado and STRAIGHT into my hand. I probably need stitches but it's in a super flexible place so I superglued it back together... it's not very wide but man it's deep..

see? superglued. It's all grody and stuff. but I'm dealing.

So lets re-visit. Super bad sunburn, Super horrible cold and headache from said cold, and stab wound.

fun week right?

lol I honestly think it's hilarious but my head may just split open from the pressure so my mood is not what I want it to be.

On the bright side, one of my primary kids said something else funny today (don't worry I used a lot of hand sanitizer) when asked if he could read he said "I can kinda read, I mean I can read a book but I'm slow and not very good at it". His mom was sitting right behind me and burst out laughing.

I also was told I was being boring today. that was funny too.

I love 5-6 year olds a little more after this calling.

What's on my mind for the day?

2012-07-25T21:22:00.001-06:00

Today I'm full of thoughts. lots of them. One is that I need to make sure my house gets clean tonight because I get to see my family tomorrow! My papa and his cute wifey are coming to stay and they're bringing EMILY! she's my little sis. Did you know I had one of those? She's technically my step sister but since she lives in Scotland with her dad and only comes to see me once a year. It's a super big bummer that I NEVER see her, but I'm super excited to see her!

I'm also thinking about how adorable my little boy is. I just let him watch sesame street in which he cuddled with me almost through the entire thing. I then took him in his room and played with him while cleaning his room. He's such a helper. He'd pulled out all his shirts so I started folding and making piles of short-sleeve & long-sleeve. He grabbed 3 shirts, wadded them up for a minute, then placed them on my pile. He then grabbed 3 more. When we were done he put his toys away. When we finished making his room look spotless we climbed in our old pink recliner and I sang to him and held him near me. smelling his scent, listening to him hum nonsense notes in an attempt to contribute (he's got a gorgeous voice). We then lay down and get his pj's on which these days means a pair of comfy shorts and no shirt since it's so blasted hot in our house without A/C. We pray, and he climbs in bed and lays his head on his pillow.

Other babies are on my mind. Always. you know what I hate? staring at a negative pregnancy test. You sit there willing a second line to show up and it just never does. Boo. I know there are lots of people who are waiting and waiting for that first positive. I KNOW I'm lucky for having my one. I'm selfish though. I want more. So you know. I want another one! I see those stupid Intermountain Healthcare commercials with all those newborn babies and I cry. So I've been stalking internet boards to live through other people's happiness so that I can dwell on the good not the bad negativeness.

I have a lot of fun family things to do coming up! My Grandma has a timeshare at Snowbird so we're going to go stay there for a day or so, Drew's family is going up to Bear Lake for an Afternoon to actually swim and go in the water, and MY family does a 1/2 week at Bear Lake in august.

Speaking of August It's so weird that Drew won't be going back to school! I've never in my whole life gotten to august and not had to think about school for me or drew... it's super weird! So weird maybe I should go back? naw. not yet.

So Cleaning house? That's about to start. It'll actually go pretty fast today because I've been a KILLER housekeeper lately!

I spent my 300th post doing what?!

2012-07-22T17:08:00.002-06:00

Yes geeze i'm horible I'm doing this giant catch up post when i really wanted to do something special... I wanted to do a giveaway but I seem to be fresh out of items to.. ahem.. give away?

So let's just take a picture journey and I'll write this huge long post that is awesome, because.. let's face it, my life is kinda awesome sometimes. Especially during the summer!

First things first. I have an almost 2 year old.. geeze seriously? He's on this new kick of two things I need to have him change pronto. The first is he's forgotten how to apply breaks. instead of running up to someone and slowing down so he can make contact without hurting himself or others he's decided he'd rather just... never ever stop. Sometimes it results in him doing a front flip if he hits my knees while I'm on the floor, others it ends up with smooshed broken noses because he really wants a kiss,and other times he knocks me down onto the ground because I'm just not used to getting tackled yet. He does it and it's hilarious until he starts into the second thing I need him to change. He's been whining again. Like lots and lots of it. He'll whine if he doesn't get his way, he'll whine if he wants something and hasn't asked for it yet, he'll whine between the time I make him stop whining and say what he wants and start getting it until the time it's in his hands. He cries easy too lately. He's a good faker. If you don't believe me just ask him to laugh, then ask him to cry ( you can also ask him to sneeze but you have to demonstrate one to jog his memory)

so this, this is him wanting to be on the riding lawnmower with his father. This is a lot of my day lately.

Next? oh that's an easy one. Drew got some Birthday money and he bought a pontoon boat. How the heck do you spell pontoon? It's not popping up on my spellcheck soooo I'm assuming it's correct. Either way we took it to Hyrum Dam and made it float. while It was doing that I saw the scene below and captured it cause it's awesome. Also can I just say that now whenever I see the word Boat I think of Phineas and Ferb? Bo-at. ha. love that doofinshmirtz (fyi that one IS popping up on spellcheck go figure)

Last week we went to a family reunion of my husbands (it's the weirdest thing ever because instead of mingling the different families stay separate and they're actually a little different.. like porter wandered over to someone's blanket in the huge family and they yelled at him to get away... weird) but I LOVE his family you know the ones that were intermingling. They were fun. and played games and Porter has discovered his new lover... Sand! Also I got my hair cut and I thought I'd show off. although I have contacts once again thank heavens!

It's just gorgeous at Bear Lake.

Now that Pontoon boat is much loved by the husband so he went fishing at First Dam (it's totes a logan thing) and Porter and I bought a loaf of bread and fed it to the ducks! OH my gosh! It's so fun! they go crazy and porter was sooooooo excited about it! Except there was one point where he would toss his chunk of bread out and it'd just fall at his feet. Luckily he didn't notice and just thought it threw it extra far. as you can tell from the bottom of the two pictures.

Last but not least on our adventures. Mendon City has a Pioneer weekend (cause you know we're utah and we celebrate pioneers. They are kinda rockin awesome though) and during such weekend there is a parade. The Whiteley Family Hosts a campout and such at their house and then the parade goes down past their front yard. Therefore we have a front row seat. Porter didn't love the parade this year, he gave little wimpy waves and he kept running behind me and holding on for dear life but he DID like to pick up the candy they threw (too bad we had to watch out for the hornets who keep using the dead car in the front yard as a home no matter how many times they've been sprayed) We're such hillbillys some days. Port did however love spending time with his 1st cousin once removed Ethan who is a year older and wiser. see how cute they are! (and how eerily alike they look)

What have YOU been up to?

Ouch...

2012-07-11T21:21:00.001-06:00

Just in case you didn't know (I can't remember if I posted it before) I have been in a lot of ouchywawa pain for the last 4.5 days. It hurts real bad. While I was on my awesome reunion trip (on sunday) I randomly got a kink in my neck. It wasn't a kink though because I wasn't waking up from a nap when this happened.. it just happened. Basically it's everything that happened to my back In this Post only it's in my neck. What I found out during pregnancy is that one of my vertebrae was floating more than normal and it would occasionally pinch a nerve and send my back into spasms. Those lasted one full day of insane pain and then maybe 2 days of dull aches before it'd disappear. Here in my neck it's different because.. well for one thing I'm not pregnant. Also like I said I'm on day 4.5 and if I don't use icy hot and Aleve I'm a goner. I had a chiropractic appointment anyway on tuesday so I went in and he helped it by doing an adjustment and then they put these shocky electricity things on the two worst spots and that helped. minus the fact that they could only get one spot to work, so that spot worked like a charm and has felt fine it's just the point higher on my neck that still kills. Tomorrow I go back and I'll see if we can get that last part shocked too so it can cure me :) yey.

It's been super hard to be a good mom so we've been watching tv lots and lots to keep his destructive ways at bay.

So. What else is up? I'm home in my own bed which is nice. OOOHHH Drew and I watched this movie last night. You have to watch it. Seriously. It's called "Lifted" and it's on Netflix. It's like August Rush, but it's not. I won't lie, I got frustrated with it and almost turned it off for a second there, but It's awesome and worth it. You don't really even know what the point of it is until towards the end, but let me tell you, If you cry easy, you'll sob. My husband..... oh man I swear That man hasn't really ever cried... maybe like 6 times in his whole life? I seriously thought his tear ducts didn't work, BUT EVEN HE CRIED! It's super touching and that kid can SING!

Just go watch it.

(and if you want to know it is rated pg13 because SPOILER you do see drug use for a second (not really though) and there are 2 bad words (both the n word) so maybe not kids? Don't let it deter you though.. It's cheesy and awesome and I wouldn't recommend something on the internet if I didn't really like it )

They should pay me for that whole 2 paragraphs.

now.

I need help and advice for reals.

I think *UNLESS YOU COME UP WITH A PURE AWESOME ONE*

I'm down to

Samantha Rae

The Whiteley Way

for a new blog name/url... Opinions? even if the opinion is that they're both stupid or I need something more spunky like a childhood nickname or something else.. I donno. Just give me some input because YOU are the ones who are going to read it!

Hey Hey LOOK!

2012-07-09T22:49:00.002-06:00

I'm so totally still alive. Life likes to try and kill me. (not really... but really) I survive.
Nothing really happened to me and lots happened to drew.. aka he had lots of work which he needs the computer for and then I took off and was in a cabin with no electricity and no service for 4 days. So THAT was fun! But really. it was way fun!
I had a family reunion with my Dad(well technically step dad but he's another dad too)'s family.

It was awesome. Drew (that little stink couldn't get off work) dropped me off in roy utah at my aunt's house. She took me to Salt Lake so my mom could pack up her car and then take all of us down to Kanab. yeah.. just google it. we then drove into the desert for 45 minutes and got to our cabins. It was hot. My house is super hot but we have ceiling fans, these cabins, nothin. good ol' fashioned shade baby. lots and lots of fun things including Peacocks roaming the whole area... those things are kinda obnoxious. There was the cutest moment where one was chilling on the balcony and screaming. So I held Porter D. and took him to the sliding door and he was super digging it until it yelled (you know the way they do) and then he shook and gripped me tighter than I knew he could, and for the first time ever burried his face in my shoulder so he couldn't see anything. You know this kid? he loves to see everything, but he was terrified. So I sat on the bed next to the door and he peeked his eyes out and looked at it but then it yelled at him again and he clutched his little fists into balls holding my shirt and then he took my hand, wrapped it around him and covered his eyes with my hand. SO ADORABLE! There was also the crazy thing that happened. Porter went into the kitchen in the main cabin and tried to get liquid out of the big cooler things... (you know the ones that get dumped on coaches when the team wins? those.. what are they called?) and so I thought "hmm easy fix I'll scoot this backwards on the counter so he can't reach". I didn't see the counters above and how low they were.. and I didn't see the 2 liter bottle of 7up on top of the cooler. so the bottle hit the counter and got all sorts of shaken up. I caught it on the way down as it was falling and caught it when it was right in front of my face. Little did I know that the lid was not on... so it basically exploded into my face/eyes (did you kno how bad it hurts to get pop sprayed directly into your eyes? it's bad.) and then up into my hair and down my clothes and then all over porter who was standing next to me and all over the floor. The whole room laughed and then I was laughing but my stupid body was crying a little out of pain and embarrassment.. but I honestly thought it was the funniest thing ever. I loved the whole thing though. and Porter traveled so well! seriously I can't believe how awesome that rambunctious kid did with holding still!

I loved getting to know and re know family I haven't seen in ages. I love them all so much and I'm so grateful that I get to have them as mine :)
I'll be back maybe we'll get super rich in the next few days and I'll get my own computer. I had my own and then it blew up a week later. so drew got his new computer just in time. :)

love you!

I have lots of different news

2012-06-24T22:05:00.000-06:00

That husband of mine.. oh geeze.

Were you aware that I have to FORCE/ bribe (with .. ahem.. favors) that man to read my blog?

I swear. I was trying to explain to him in real out loud words how I know I want another baby but I have yet to re access that part of my brain that super yearns for it. He didn't understand.

I groaned.

Told him to read my blog.

He groaned.

bahaha we are so awesome and caring.

at least he's sexy. and I.. well I used to be ;)

Since he doesn't read though it gives me lots of leeway on what I can and can not write on this amazing blog.

so. I have news.

My wonderful dear husband called me from his work the other day and let me know that while he was spraying floors off in the cheese factory he was listening to talks from conference (does everyone know what that is?) and he came across THIS one from Boyd K. Packer (of the twelve apostles).

He said if I re-listened to it he'd tell me something.

So I tried, and porter yelled and ran around.

he then was sent to bed without dinner (not really)

and I started it up. It's awesome. I heard it during conference, but I didn't really HEAR it, ya know? It meant a lot more now that there's a family member missing.

I called my dear drewface back and he said that while he was listening he felt a strong confirmation that it was time to try.

Problem is, I don't know anymore. I do but don't and it's so frustrating. I've never ever ever been in this place in my whole life. I remember being in the hospital, inhaling my newborn son and thinking, "I could totally do this again".

Two months after he was born, I was breastfeeding him, and again had the thought in my head "if I thought we could realistically do it, I'd do it now". I started physically aching for another one when porter turned 9 to ten months. now a days, I'm trying to get that ache back. I see flashes here and there. Today I got a good pang and it actually felt good to hurt like that again.OH geeze.. as I write this I have the TV on in the background, and Intermountain healthcare hospital commercial. They had lots of newborns on it. Like real newborns not the tv 3 month olds covered in cottage cheese. I just cried. thank heavens. One, because It means I'm really mourning my loss, two because it's coming back. Oh goodness my mothering yearning is coming back. I missed it.

The other problem? My body is still out of whack. I'm still waiting for aunt flo to show her ugly face again, but I don't think in my whole life I've EVER wanted and waited for her to come around. Lately I am, to see that I'm over this. To make this just go away.

I don't know why I'm talking about this on something that my family looks at but I made a decision to sort of in a way include you (yes, you, you there reading this) in my struggle/journey/story... I realize that most of the people that read this are people I know/have known, but if there's anyone who doesn't know me in real life, I care about you too. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to get to know new people and have new people get to know me. Maybe even having old friends get to know me better. So reach out, I'm here with open arms both because I need a hug and I want to give them too ;).

on a separate note, I think I may change the blog name/url eventually and maybe even soon. I decided that I don't want to just Up the name every single time (aka quadruple dose and so on and so forth)

I've had a lot of things go through my head and I'm super open to ideas

maybe Samantha Rae

maybe The Whiteley Way

maybe SammieIammie (but not unless I can get a real domain because some lameo took that and haven't written in years poo poo on them)

maybe The Whiteley Rae

maybe lots and lots of stuff.

ideas? opinions?

Porter and his average day

2012-06-23T21:50:00.001-06:00

He loves you :) so do I.

although mine is unprompted ;)

Now what?

2012-06-22T18:10:00.003-06:00

Ok. so. I was going to sit down and tell you all about the fun stuff of the last week but I just keep thinking about what to do now.

I still don't know.

We do want another baby? Maybe? Yes? uuugh. so unsure. for a little bit there I was sworn off. for a little while I didn't need to see a newborn, I didn't care about holding them unless they were basically mine because one of my dearest friends birthed them. Before I was excited for all of my friends that are with child. Now I have found myself a little bitter. I have found myself getting a little bit of that sting back. With the second baby (aka not porter.. what do I even call it?) I KNEW it was right to try. I KNEW so many things. I don't know anything anymore. I asked drew the other day... so when we get the green light, should we try again? For the first time I asked that as a genuine question, not to make sure he was on the same page as me.

Don't get me wrong. If I were to be given another child I would be so blissfully happy and excited. I'm just a little scared to even think about feeling that way now. I'm scared to let myself think that I could even be given that wonderful gift again... it hurts.

I feel so weird about it because I was over it. I was fine. I was ready to move on. I was annoyed that I had to wait so long after the miscarriage to try again.

and now I feel like I went backwards...

maybe it was the 7 stages?

Let's see.

Source

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once.

Ok.. fine. That fits. That would explain the whole over it thing..except my denial was more that the whole thing ever took place, not that i hadn't lost it.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

(if you can't tell this is about losing someone you got to touch.)

I am a little angry, mostly bitter about those who aren't rubbing it in my face but still are in a way... (ps. don't please don't stop sharing your amazing experiences just because I'm a sourpuss at the moment. I'll go back to my happy for you self eventually) But I don't blame anyone really. I wonder if it was something I did, but if it was that fragile anyway, it wasn't meant to be.

so the others don't apply yet or may not ever. but that explains a lot. I go in for a second ultrasound next week to make sure my uterus is fully empty (happy happy joy joy) and then it's up to my body to get back on track which could take forever. Either way. I just have to figure out how I feel about it I'm still a little clueless. Why don't we go back to the original plan of having porter go back to being a newborn. Seriously where did this KID come from? He tells me "no way" when I ask for a kiss, he looks at me and smirks when I tell him not to do something, he begs for "boo" (blue) when he wants to wach rio. sigh. who needs another one when I can just rewind and do HIM over again? :) too bad it doesn't work that way right?

Now someone bring me a jamba juice. stat. There's no AC in this house and I don't want to do the dishes. :)

The Prestonater and His worst Birthday ever

2012-06-15T18:32:00.001-06:00

I've had the adorable Preston Whiteley at my house for a few days now. I think he got sick of me and went back to a bit of a real life as he's not staying over tonight.. or probably the next night. (ha update 5 minutes later, he got home and decided he loved us more and is coming back :) yey!)

Do you know Preston? You should. By far the coolest whiteley I've ever met... minus a few others like you know husband and son.

Well Porter is in love with his Uncle Preston. as you can tell. In fact, porter will be running rampant and yelling with such excitement and joy and Preston takes his hat off, slides it over porter's head and eyes and he'll freeze. like a horse with blinders? I donno all I know is it's the funniest flipping thing I've ever seen.

So Preston about 5 years ago had his acl come off his bone. so they but a button in his knee and called it good then he was playing basketball 6ish? months ago and he hurt his mcl. He then played some other basketball and hurt his knee a little and with all those he gave himself lots of time to heal. On tuesday he was walking down some stairs at his place of work and had some mind splitting pain that has not stopped since that day. Wed came and drew gave him a blessing and then I went and got him so I could take him to the doctors and feed him and things since he was in so much pain. The doctor couldn't see him until friday (aka today) and so I kept him. I adore the kid, I feel like he's just one of my brothers instead of a brother in law. He brings over his tv and xbox and plays games and watches movies with us (We're currently re watching the Band of Brothers series.. yeah we're that cool). Anywhoo Porter loves the kid and he loves loves loves the air matress we set up when he stays over. so you know how port watches tv in the mornings? he had so much fun snuggling preston.

so cute right? OH I could die.

Today is his birthday I took him to the doctor then to get an MRI boo he has a torn meniscus and needs surgery. Also they said his acl looks loose so they may have to fix that while they're in there. Poor kid. He can't work now.. and depending on what they have to do in his knee he won't be fully functional for months. Awesome birthday present right? I told him he could spend as much time with us as he wants :) It's nice to have someone around when drewface is gone to work.

anywhoo.. just thought I'd let you know what's up with us.. and let you know how flipping awesome this kid is. I wish everyone could have at least one in law like him. Tomorrow is summerfest. what is that you ask? Pure awesomeness. I'll share the joy.

Birthday Weekend!

2012-06-13T18:21:00.002-06:00

I didn't take many pictures because I was far too busy having fun, But it was nothing but fun!

It's been almost a whole week in the SLC and it was EXACTLY what the doctor ordered. Friday morning I packed up everything Porter and I needed, and got in the car. Drew drove us down to Odgen and put us on the front runner (it's this awesome train that goes from Odgen to Salt Lake in 45ish minutes for only 5 dollars so heck yes on saving gas money) and kissed us goodbye. The handsome son of mine was so kind to actually sit still and eat his peeled apple slices for most of the trip. We then were picked up by my mother, brother and grandmother. I went to a dear old friend's wedding and got to see some other old friends that are very near and dear to my heart.Mr. Porter D ate lots and lots of Ice cream, strawberries, and clementines. He also was obsessed with this one pole. It was kinda hilarious.

Later on that night I met up with those friends again to watch Men in Black III and although I'd seen it before I would have done anything to spend time with Rachel, Joey, Daniel and Amber (I kinda adore them).

Saturday was MY BIRTHDAY!! Did you know I have 23 years under my belt? what? did you think i was older? I feel older sometimes. That may have something to do with the fact that my husband is a whole 3 years older than me, or maybe that I got married at 19 and Birthed a child at the ripe old age of 21. I spent the day hanging out with family and saw some friends. I had dinner at a place called Tuccis? and why on earth did no one tell me how amazing that place is!? It was delicious!

Sunday was peaceful and fun. My dad came and spent some time with me which was so great since I didn't get a chance to see him the day before. I went to church with my parents and saw the amazing people I grew up with and porter got his first real kiss by suzie. She full on pushed his shoulder back and laid one on his lips :) I made a stop at my old neighbor's house and got to hug her and see how her family has been (they are amazing and so grown up thanks for asking ;)) I then went to my Grandma's house for the dinner she made for us. My sweet cousin Heather who was born a whole 5 days ahead of me came to spend time with me and my brother Jarom. Heather is a newly announced prego (which made me cry a little since I've always dreamed of having babies with her. she was my maid of Honor at my wedding, and has been one of my great friends in life) and I'm so excited to see her turn into a mother It's going to be such a beautiful sight.

Monday I went to lunch with Lisa my other amazing friend and discovered Firehouse Subs. Now, we have a firehouse up here but it's pizzeria. Those subs were so awesome! mmm. my mouth is watering just thinking about the Turkey Bacon Ranch! I hung out with my family and then went back with lisa and watched Valentines Day it was probably my favorite night. I was out until 12:30 which to me is so late! Porter was waking up earlier and I was going to bed later so I did get slightly sleep deprived on the trip :).

Tuesday came and I decided that I should see City Creek (the new mall downtown) and explore. we had so much fun and I got some chocolate covered fruit which is always a huge bonus! It was there that I was reunited with my dear sweet husband. He had made 4 appointments thorough the day and his first 2 canceled so he came down to see me early. Good and bad.. but it made me happy. I swear he looked better than I remembered.

We went home and put porter baby to bed and then took a nap. we were planning on getting up and playing some xbox together later on and we didn't end up following through with that. Nope. I woke up to comfort Porter d at 2 am. and then waking up again at 8 this morning. 12 hours? we felt so rejuvenated! I'd been so sleep deprived from the last week and he was as well. It was wonderful.

I feel like last week was years away and I feel so good and so much better. Hopefully there are more positive things on the way!

THANK YOU to everyone who spent time with me this weekend! I needed that I needed to get out of my head and just have fun! Thank you to my wonderful family who watched porter and stayed home while he slept so I could go out (I was good I only went out when he was on a nap or asleep for the night. I put him to bed every night and was there when he woke up).

I FEEL SO HAPPY!

now I have to clean my house since there's moldy food on the stove and in the garbage :) working husbands don't clean if they don't have time.

My Biggest Heartbreak

2012-06-08T10:00:00.002-06:00

I may get a little spiritual. But it has been a very spiritual experience. I'm going to be very open and honest and I will probably cry a lot while telling you this story... but I need to write it down. I want to remember everything there is to remember...the good and bad.

I have been wanting another baby for a while now but our finances just haven't been in place. I felt that ache and pull and so I decided that it was time to start praying. I was on my knees almost constantly for a while there, asking heavenly father what to do, asking him that if it wasn't right than to help my desire to be lessened for the time being. Asking him if it was right, when was the right time. I had an IUD as my birth control so I had to make an appointment to have it removed, thus making it it a very cut and dry decision about trying. As I was praying and praying I first got a very distinct impression about the date April 26. (this was in about January) After I got the date stuck in my head I took to my husband to discuss. He saw our state as permanent until it changes. He's that way. It's wonderful in most cases, but in this I was frustrated. I felt so strongly about it that I came up with a compromise. I would make an appointment around the end of April since appointments are usually made 3-4 months in advance. If he and I decide when the time gets closer that it is not right then the date can be changed or we could use other forms of protection. He wasn't pleased but agreed. I called for the appointment and my doctor was booked until October. The nurses or midwives were available whenever I wanted them though. I was offered the next week (back in feb) and I said no thank you very much that's far too soon. I said "I'm thinking the end of april? and she replied "we have some openings on April 26" My heart skipped a beat. I of course agreed and then went on to have it removed on the date.

Two weeks later I was pregnant.

I was overjoyed and Drew, panicked but excited.

I took care of everything within two days. Insurance, doctors appointments, confirmation from the doctor's office that I was indeed growing a little baby.

Now when I am pregnant, I can feel my babies. You can believe me or not, but I genuinely believe that I get the honor of having their spirits in my presence. I can feel them and their purity. I can feel their excitement. I can feel their love. With porter I just felt someone there and felt his opinions on things. For example I was sitting there with my hotness monster of a husband and I felt an impression stronger than I've ever felt before telling me how much he genuinely loved drew and wanted him to know he was so excited to have him as a father.
This time, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that it was a girl.

I started planning, getting excited for February 3.

Sunday, June 3 my world started falling apart.

I started bleeding.

I took to the internet and it of course half calmed me and half terrified me. Did you know that if there is bleeding in pregnancy it's an exact 50% that do and don't miscarry.

I cried a whole lot that day, but I had places to be, not to mention the fact that drew was working all day, so I spent the day at his parent's house since if something were to go wrong I would have no car or anything to do with porter. So I sat there, silent, terrified for my sweet baby. Praying that I would receive strength to get me through whatever was to happen. I prayed that whatever was going to happen to let me know then so I could deal with it. I called the hospital just to have them say " come in tomorrow and wednesday so we can draw your blood". I was taken home and I prayed and cried. Cried and prayed. I was so frustrated at the fact that I wasn't getting any response. I wasn't being comforted, nothing. I called my husband between sobs and said "I'm so tired of not getting answers when I pray about big things. I didn't get an answer about marrying you until the last second, I didn't get one about porter, I feel like I never get one when I really need to know something".
My husband, that man didn't miss a beat. He said in the sweetest voice I've ever heard out of him "You did get an answer. You were told to take that IUD out when you took it out. Whether that was so we could experience a great blessing, or a trial, we don't know that yet".
I started to calm down. I felt reassured. I recalled the blessing my husband gave me as he laid his hands upon my head the day after we found out. It was said that no matter the outcome everything would be alright. I think I suspected something may happen then. As I thought about it I went to say something to my developing child and call her my sweet girl, and realized I suddenly wasn't sure there was a girl there.

The next day it all continued and got a little worse. I thought and prayed, but this time, even though there wasn't a big answer, I felt like things were coming to a close. I felt numb. I wasn't happy, sad, frustrated, just like I was in a movie where someone is standing there and people and the world are moving past me at lightning speed.But I was almost positive that my having a baby was put on hold.

Wed, I felt sad. Ok,but sad. Just down.

Yesterday I woke up at 8 and had to wait until 10 to call the doctors office. I knew what they were going to say, but I wasn't prepared to hear it said out loud in such a definitive tone. It was at the point that they said my hormone level had dropped dramatically (it's supposed to double every 48 hours) that I knew there would be no miracles, there was no hope for this little body. I silently let some tears fall down my face while I was on the phone, listened to what they had to say, made my ultrasound appointment, and hung up.
Then I sobbed harder than I knew I could. I knew it wasn't a full grown baby, I knew it was early, but it had the potential of growing into a child that I could hold and feed and teach. My baby girl was not going to grow and thrive.

I sobbed in such a way i felt like I was dry heaving. I couldn't catch my breath, it was raw and short and jerky. It was ugly. It was unlike the crying where you can get all those emotions out and you can feel better, this crying made me feel worse. An hour later when I was done, I went in and held the little one I DO have. the tangible reality that I have done this before, and it was a fight getting him here although a very different battle.

I'm doing fine now. I'm a little frustrated that now we have to wait longer to start trying, let my body heal. I'm sad that my emotions went from the most blissful I've felt in a long time, to devastated. I have accepted it. I'm dealing with it but it's now easier than I thought it would be.

Don't worry about me, I'm doing fine, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I like to think I'm a pretty strong person in the first place :)

Que Sera Sera- Whatever will be, will be.