Writings For Life

Writing Again

2026-05-27T20:17:42.552-04:00

I can be found here now: iromanticize.substack.com

Binge Reading

2017-12-15T01:24:00.000-05:00

Reading comes to us in phases now. It's like craving a piece of chocolate cake. Once you see it, you gotta have it. No other dessert would do. But when you've had it, you can go for months on end without it.

Because life distracts and deprives us of this pleasure, it comes with full force. Binge reading.
We lie in bed for days with curtains wide open and legs entwined under the same blanket. We read. Book after book. Dylan more than me. The man can really get through books like I can get through a box of peanuts.

Sometimes we read multiple books at a time. Kind of how you'd watch the first episode of different shows to see which one you want to binge first or binge properly.

Sometimes I could let some books go. I don't take to everything. But Dylan rarely ever does that. Sure he'd have plenty of half read books. Marked by his quirky bookmarks, but you bet he'll finish them sooner or later.

The first thing the man does when he goes to any bookstore is look through the jar of those old $1 bookmarks and picks out a few. The last thing he does at any gift shop is the same. He'll spend a good 10 minutes before checkout in front of one of those rotating kiosks neatly stacked with postcards and magnets and bookmarks and carefully decides on this pick.

But the poor bookmarks never make it to his books. I know he has every intention to use them when he buys them. But it never works out. I do not know the fate of these bookmarks because I rarely see them again. And I have learned to not pick this battle with him. (Husbands could have far worse habits than bookmark hoarding).

Instead you'll find old receipts, train tickets, clothes tags, tissue papers, dried leaves (that were fresh leaves when first used for this purpose) and even airplane plane boarding passes being used as bookmarks. That's how you can tell my books apart from Dylan'. Mine are neatly decorated with vintage bookmarks, colorful, magnetic, stick on bookmarks, bookmarks with tassels, and bookmarks the point to the exact line of the text. He'll have the entire world's crap in his books marking his pages except a real bookmark. I used to offer him mine but after they met the same fate as his own, I not only stopped offering, I actively started protecting mine from him.

During our binge reading days, you'll find books everywhere. Half open, half closed, upside down. By our legs on the bed, snuggling by the arms, stray ones on top of the sheets, and finally the lucky one in our hands.

Our cat would come from time to time to check on us. Sometimes she would sit for hours on the other side of the bed giving us judgmental looks, sometimes carefully balancing herself on top of a book ensuring that her entire body including her tail sits within the four corners of that book. The lucky book would be her chosen throne for the day, which means it would be very inaccessible to us. Dylan says she's reading by osmosis. I think she's just telling us who's the boss.

Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night with something jamming into my ribs. It would be a book I'd forget to put away before falling asleep. An aftermath of staying up several nights, bingeing.

Time & Coffee.

2017-11-13T23:39:00.000-05:00

It's been so many things. Through time and space. I don't always think about it, but I know this affair runs deep. My first memory of it was of dad drinking it, on cozy winter nights. It would have a lot of froth, and Beatles would always be playing in the background. For years later, every time I looked at coffee, Beatles would start playing in my head. Coffee had its own soundtrack. And the smell, oh the smell was heavenly - nothing more intoxicating than that cup, lying on the table in my dad's study with its own soundtrack, while he read from an old book. I wasn't allowed to drink coffee because "you are too young and it is an adult beverage" but sometimes, dad would give me a sip, and knowing fully well how awful it would taste, I'd fall for the offer every time, perhaps secretly hoping that it would taste better this time. But my baby taste-buds were not ready for it. I absolutely hated the taste of coffee! And I recall spending hours trying to figure out how something can smell so amazing yet taste so horrid.

My dad would be utterly amused.

It wasn't until the first year of college that I really started drinking it. Everyday on my way to class at exactly 8:50am, I would walk into the campus coffee shop, and Jeremy would know what to make. That cup was warm in the winters and soothing in the summers. Coffee kept me awake in class, gave me company through some very dark nights and many cheery afternoons. It has never been just a drink, but an experience. It's Beatles and my father's study. It's loneliness through the woods, it's happiness in the mornings, it's a reason to take a walk, and coffee is also love. Knowing fully well that I would never say no, Dylan still asks me questions like, Do you want some coffee? Why don't we go to a coffee shop? Let me make you some coffee? Will coffee make you feel better? I found a new coffee shop, do you want to check it out? And he'll make it, and he'll take me, and he'll taste it, and he'll give funny names to all the different types of coffee I like.

Perhaps I'll have a study one day and I will read, old, utterly complicated books late at night and listen to the Beatles, and my coffee would taste horrid to someone else.

Childhood Colds.

2017-10-02T16:25:00.000-04:00

I have come down with a cold. It's a strange kind of cold. Usually everything with a cold is supposed to be fuzzy and spaced out. But my mind has been functioning fairly reasonably as my body has gone weaker and weaker. I know I just need rest, and I’ll be okay. Perhaps these seasonal colds are reminder from nature to just slow down.

Dylan has been making me coffee and tea, and getting me soup and making sure I take all the medication on time. I have been alone for so long that I had almost forgotten how its liked to be taken care of. His incessant nagging and making sure I don’t move reminds me of my childhood and how it was like to be sick.

Do you remember it? How your mom would make a big fuss over a sore throat. How, before you even knew it, there would be a cold washcloth on your head? Somehow that washcloth is every mother’s remedy to every sickness. Do you recall the taste of that grape/cherry/orange cough syrup that came with its own plastic spoon? That was the worse. Do you remember your stuffy nose and your heavy eyes? Do you recall your family begging you to eat something and somehow everything they offered was just not up to par.

There was always an upside to it though – no school. And the off day came with zero guilt. You had a good justification to stay at home when everyone else had to go, and something about staying at home smack in the middle of the week makes the whole day looks so different, even if it through your heavy eyes. Do you remember lying on the couch all day watching VHS of Disney cartoons one after another? And realizing that its only noon even after the 12th movie, because time just seemed to slow down. Do you remember walking around the house in a blankie? Everything is acceptable when you are sick. I mostly recall passing out at the couch in the living room and waking up tucked in bed. If that didn’t make it all okay, I wouldn’t know what would.

It’s good to be sick sometime. Between the non-stop coughing and the pitiful groans, its good to know that at some point in your life, you were taken care of and if you are lucky, someone is taking care of you right now.

The Sunroom

2017-09-02T14:40:00.000-04:00

It’s cloudy outside and the house is quiet today. I make myself mocha and sit in the sunroom but don't hear a single sound. No neighbors, no traffic, not even the wind. It rained all night and now its just still. Still and wet. There is no sun in the sunroom, but what it has is my favorite light. That perfect-for-photography diffused light marred by the green trees that surround the room. It reminds me of the time when Dylan and I sat at 12,000 foot peak of Mammoth Mountain, eating energy bars and grasping the magnificent view of the Sierra Nevada Range at our feet. There was such stillness in the air, except that my eyes could not adjust to the layer after layer of mountains.

I rarely got a chance to sit in the sunroom this year. We were rarely home. We have counted eleven road trips so far and that doesn’t even include the air travel. I love it. I love it because I always have something to look forward to – driving through the coastal mist of the Pacific in the spring, and wading through buckets of snow of the Midwest in early summer, and driving by the Great Lakes for hours in July, and getting lost in the windy roads of Appalachia in August – has been incredible, and we are still only halfway through the year. It’s been intense and sometimes it is nice to just be back home and be still, but I am glad I have allowed myself to take advantage of the opportunities that life offered.

I am glad I didn’t wait. We wait for so long to go somewhere, to witness the world and life, and go to see friends and family we love. But we never really do it. The days pass us by and we think more days will come and while they do, they too pass on. I want to experience as much life as I can as soon as I can, because there will still be more life to witness. This world and its people are so expansive and vast that we cannot possibly see and experience everything in one lifetime. Perhaps it is arrogant of me to assume that it has all been put on earth for me, but while I am around, I’d be damned if I don’t travel from coast to coast just to gush over a tiny waterfall in the heart of the Cascades. Because what’s the point. What’s the point if we don’t enjoy the house we live in, the neighborhood we call our own, and the people we have cherished. What’s the point when all the nieces and nephew grow up and we only see them once a year, when we have no idea what’s happened to the best friend we once loved so much. What’s the point when the world’s most beautiful mountain ranges and the most awe-inspiring beaches are your neighborhood, and you never get to see them.

I am young, and I am full of zeal for this life, and this ever-changing world. I am not going to waste a minute of it not doing things I love, and not bearing witness to this world.

Some Thoughts

2017-08-22T23:59:00.000-04:00

It has been a long while, and I never meant it to be. I had hoped to fill these pages with life and her wonderfulness, because there is so much of it. I hope to do so shortly but for now I must just write what my heart is asking me to write. But know dear friends, if you are still here, that I have an incredible life and all these past months have been filled with happiness.

It's a bit fragmented now though. We are everywhere being pulled in all directions. It is temporary, like all things are, and soon I will be able to balance it. So, I can't complain.

I have had some of the loveliest moments and experiences this past winter and spring and they helped me move forward and witness new adventures. I have traveled so much. I have witnessed fire in the sky and fallen asleep to the owl's hoots in the fields, and I have waded through rivers to reach the corners of the continent. I sat with the mountain goats and let the moon roll me over. I have encountered strange creatures and found myself stranger still. I wonder if you'd be interested in hearing travel stories.

Thinking of you all, and grateful that you are here.

Reminders in Basements

2017-02-11T00:31:00.001-05:00

I was cleaning my stuff from the basement of my parent's house that had been sitting there for probably six years. I haven't lived in this house for the last eight years but it's amazing how every time I go back, I find more of my things than I'd like to accept. Most of them are books, old memorabilia, old clothes, knick knacks, and what not, and some things that my mother has just saved from my childhood, like my drawings and writings and published articles. But those don't count because she has made it abundantly clear that's her property and not mine. I am okay with that. Less things for me to clean.

I used to be the one for holding on to stuff. Perhaps that's why I have so many things sitting in this basement. I don't know when it changed, but I could really care less about a lot of things now. What should have been a road down memory lane, seemed more like looking at someone else's life. When I looked at those things, it was as if I was looking at them for the first time. Term papers from high school, journals with emotions poured on them that I don't remember existed, paintings I am certain drawn by someone else, photos of a girl that looks nothing like me, with people I barely remember. Training manuals and textbooks I learned nothing from. Perhaps the only thing I remembered and saved were cards and letters and some books. Perhaps those were the only things that really mattered. That ever really matter.

Dylan who was helping me, on the other hand, was utterly fascinated with everything. Reading every paper I wrote, and smiling at every silly journal entry, and simultaneously being horrified at how quickly I was putting paper through the shredder. At one point we almost got into an argument over which things should be thrown and which shouldn't. I am still quite certain that he hid a few things from me, which may surface later. It's amazing how our silly lives we don't even remember can be so fascinating to others.

I am not saying that the part of my life contained in this basement was a waste or was a bad time in my life. No. None of that. It was just ordinary with it's ups and downs. I held on to things because I thought that years from now I will somehow look back at this time so fondly and somehow nostalgia will be so comforting. But the truth is, its not. It's either full of regrets, or full of longing or in my case, it's full of, really, nothing. The fact is, I have forgotten. I don't feel the emotions looking back at my high school days I was hoping to feel when I was in high school. Things aren't as important. Things aren't even as complicated. All I have now is a basement full of crap and a day full of cleaning that I could have spent doing something else. Lighten your loads, people. The important memories, you'll always remember. You won't need reminders for that.

Resolution.

2017-01-08T01:17:00.000-05:00

There's really only one resolution - to write more. It's been a long time and I never meant it to be. I had hoped to fill these pages with wander, because there is so much of it. I hope to do so very soon, but for now, dear friends, if you are still there, I want you to know that I have an incredible life and all these months that passed were filled with adventure and happiness more than anything else.

I have stories to tell, and I will. I paved along lonesome roads and went to the ends of the earth. I watched the sun rise and the stars fill the sky. I climbed the mountains that spit fire and felt the snow on my eyelashes. I encountered the wolves and survived. I killed lots and lots of bees (even though I didn't want to - yes that's some story!). I felt a thousand eyes on me, and learned that it's really strange being in the spotlight. I gave into the melodies of summer evenings and found romance on Sunday morning. I held clouds in my arms and soaked in the autumn rain. I photographed lakes of gold and made love in the woods.

I've had some of the kindest moments and experiences this past winter and spring and they really impacted me in ways I didn't foresee. There is always room for change and growth. We forget that sometimes. I did change and grow.

Thinking of all of you and how grateful I am that you are here. Happy New Year!

And yes, the resolution. I am not much for them, but I'll keep this one.

Snow & Sadness

2016-02-14T18:36:00.001-05:00

There was nothing in the forecast about snow on Sunday up until yesterday. But here it is, Sunday afternoon and I can't see a thing outside my window. Such thick fall of white insanity covering everything in sight. I should have known - what is Valentine's day without snow. I don't remember a Valentine's day without a little snow, and I don't remember a Valentine's day without a little sadness.

I remember one time when I was in college, it snowed so much that all classes were cancelled on the morning of February 14. That was a good start to Valentine's day for most of us. Then another year it was such a bad blizzard that those overpriced flower deliveries never made it to their recipients. Then another time, I was an hour late for dinner because the traffic was horrendous with the sudden onset of snow.

I also remember all sadness of Valentine's day. And that sadness doesn't come with a lack of a partner or the wrong partner. Oh, none of that. It's because it's all so forced. The forced flowers, the forced dinner, the forced chocolates that I don't even like, the unavailability of dinner reservation and the pressure to get one. Perhaps the snow tries to cover the pretentiousness of it all but fails miserably every year. I hate things being forced on me. Love, of all things. Love should never be forced. It wouldn't be loved then. Valentine's day has become just so sad.

The Month Is Over.

2015-11-13T23:03:00.000-05:00

It’s really not that I do not want to write. Or that I no longer have anything to say. It’s just that before I know it, it’s been a month since I have last written. It always surprises me how quickly time is passing, because I keep thinking that it’s been just a week or two that I last posted here. We keep thinking that once we settle down life will become calmer and slower, because you know, the words “settle down” kind of implies that. But it’s such a lie. It doesn’t get calmer, but it doesn’t necessarily get crazier either. It gets blurrier. Before you know it, you don’t really know where your days go. They just go somewhere.

I should keep track now. Of the sips of coffee I take in the mornings, and the cookies I bake in the evenings and the flowers I water in the afternoons and the trails I hike on Saturdays and the books I manage to finish in a month (which, sadly, is a very low number). I must keep track or I will have nothing that’ll flash before my eyes when it all ends. I must remember the letter I wrote sitting at dining table this afternoon, and the lemon scented candle I lit this evening, and the friend I spoke to after ages, and the squirrels that came to the patio, and the little sparrows that crowded the street this afternoon eating god knows what on the ground (they even stopped traffic).

If there is anything I am learning, it’s this: If we don’t make conscious efforts to make our lives matter to ourselves, it won’t. It won’t matter to us and it wont matter to anyone else. We must hold on to moments we have, grasp on to life’s little joys while we can. Because if we don’t, we wont even know when a month has passed by, and then another, and then another until there are no more months left.

Sigh. I hope you are with me dear readers. Because I do hope that I write, and I do hope that I come back before the month is over.

Old Friend.

2015-10-01T21:23:00.003-04:00

You know, even if I am in a corner, dying (unless I am already dead!) I would write for my dear October. My old friend is here again and as always it has been a lovely and much awaited reunion. Unlike last year, this year I am walking a lot in October. Embracing every bit of it and that excites me immensely. I greet it in the mornings with its soothing mist and damp grass. I meet it in the afternoons with its not so-hot-and-not-so-cold but just-right, breeze. I hear it from the window during the nights with its orchestra of the swaying branches mixed in with a special melody by the crickets.

Life has been mostly good... and quiet. Quiet is good. Quiet is always good. Don't ever not be grateful for the quiet, because chaos is always lurking beneath and it's only just looking for an opportunity.

So yes, life has been good. My daily struggles involve changing bandages on my feet (because no matter what shoe I wear, it just wouldn't become friends with my feet), and fighting with a spider. There is a spider that made her home outside my gate, by the mailbox, and she just wouldn't leave. Her web looks ugly, and makes it seem as if I don't care for my home. So giving into my vanity, I have destroyed her home multiple times but she builds it right back up, sometimes within hours. Tough little gal. So there you have it, these days I have been losing to a tiny spider. Sigh. I may have to call it a truce. I may just give it a name and see what happens. Like Charlotte… (or Aragog?). It looks like we are spending the winter together.

Sometimes we should. Sometimes we should stop fighting and let things run their course. Autumn teaches me that every year. Let go. You can't stop the leaves from changing the colors, dying and disappearing, you can either enjoy the destructive beauty or you can fight it. You'll fight it and you'll lose. Because things have to run their course. And sometimes when we give into the stubbornness, we lose sight of what we are fighting for or fighting with. For instance, no matter how I look at it, my vanity is not more important than that poor spider's life. But if I continue at it, soon it will become a matter of pride and I’ll lose sight of the fact that I am about to kill a living thing, for really no reason at all.

The Beach House.

2015-09-14T22:23:00.000-04:00

~Short Story~

We had been coming here at Kay's beach house ever since we were in college. Every spring. Every year. All of us would be here. Significant others changed through the years but we remained. The five of us. After college, I would see all of them during the year except perhaps Sam. We saw less and less of each other with each passing year. And then just only at the beach house. One year he showed up wearing a bow tie. Looked like a compete idiot. Not many men can pull off bow ties, some shouldn't even try. Another year he was supporting a full bushy beard. His brownish-blond beard. Very unruly and unkempt. I wanted to run my fingers through it. I stopped myself from doing that.

While so many things changed, some things remained constant. Every year on the third night, I'll come out of the beach house around 2 a.m. when everyone else is asleep. I;d walk up to the shore and find him sitting there among the rocks, smoking. We never talked about it, never planned to meet, but it always happened that way. He kept coming back to the beach in the middle of the night, so did I. Perhaps to just remind ourselves of the life we once inhaled among the rocks, when the roaring inside us, the thrashing life, could easily drown the roaring of the ocean. Now there was just silence, except the mockery of the waves.

I sat next to him. He looked at me like he always did, with longing for something you've once had and then lost. He touched my bare feet with his hands. I let him. His hands were warm. My feet were cold. I could see him through the dark. His eyes were always bright bringing me to life. He touched my head. I closed my eyes. I didn't need to see him after that, I knew I wouldn't be able to feel him much longer.

For a moment, it felt exactly how it used to feel when we were in college - all reckless and thinking that life was full of possibilities. Now we were old. We had learned to live with the voids in our hearts. We weren't even sad anymore. Now we are mature enough, and scarred enough to know when to surrender our happiness.

Wall of Imagination.

2015-08-05T23:20:00.000-04:00

Sometimes when I am lying in the bed or on the couch, I stretch as if I am trying to reach for something. But there is nothing there except the wall of my imagination. Have I reached it, I wonder. What if I can’t indulge myself in my fantasies anymore. What if this is it. This life. These early mornings and late nights. These chaotic afternoons and silent evenings.

Sometimes I find myself humming a tune, reliving a moment and feeling a tickle in my heart. Sometimes I wonder if I have just conjured it up and it can’t possibly be real. What I felt and feel and touched was nothing but a figment of my overly dramatic fascination with this life and this love. I waited for something and then something died. It was over but then it begun. It’s a funny game.

This makes no sense - what I wrote above. Just like life sometimes. But you have to witness it and write it as best as you can hoping that someday it will give you an end that you’ll weave into a tapestry you always imagined.

All You Get.

2015-06-29T00:57:00.000-04:00

What do you get for falling in love? You get to be dizzy, slightly nauseous, like you've taken one too many Vicodins. You get to be a little paranoid and a little suspicious. You get to always worry about someone else, you get to always put their desires and needs before your own. When you fall in love, on some level you give up your liberty to do all the things you want to do, whenever you want to do them. You get to have little to no privacy. When you love, you get to always be afraid... of loneliness, of heartbreak, and disappointment.

But if you are lucky, you get to feel warm and safe. You get to have the privilege to know someone more than anyone else, and in ways that no one else can. You get to know them in the most mundane of ways, like right after they wake up and look like a mess, or on a lazy Sunday afternoon, when they are just sitting and reading the New York Times, like when they have nothing left to say right before you go to sleep.

You get to know someone beyond the dating games. You get to see them eating Chinese straight out of the take-out box. You get to watch them watch T.V. on a Monday night feeling no pressure to entertain you. You get to see them scratch their hair and rub their arm and twirl their fingers. You get to be the only person aware of their silly little quirks. You get to witness them in their most elemental form. For me, that has always been exhilarating.

You get to share your life with someone and invite them to participate in the most arbitrary decisions of your life. “Chicken or steak tonight?” “Scandal or House?” “Dress or Jeans?” “Baby or no Baby?” You get to be inspired to be a better person, to be the type of a lover who knows how to really care for someone. You should want to protect them from everything that’s wrong with the world. You don’t want to be the one they need to be protected from. No they’ve already had that, they’ve already been burned. You want to be the best partner, an antidote to all the venom they’ve been made to inject.

You get to know that if you ever died alone in your apartment, your body would be discovered shortly thereafter. It wouldn’t be left to decay and ultimately be found by your landlord. You get to know that you really affected someone’s life. You left an indelible mark. They will never be the same after you. They will cry and cry in your absence. It sounds morbid but there is a certain comfort in knowing that you have the ability to leave someone grief stricken once you’re gone.

You get to go on vacations together and witness new places that you would have never had the courage to experience alone. You get to revel in the fresh experiences together and smile (and sometimes laugh) at all the weird memories you've made over the years. Like, when you get lost in the woods, or, when you slammed on the brakes too late and scared the bejeezus out of your partner. Or when you lost your balance while snowboarding, went flying to the ground, and they caught it all on tape.

You also get to be a goddamn brat. You get to push the wrong buttons and kick and scream, and trust that you won’t be penalized for it. You get to test their patience away, run them against the wall, be an overall crazy person, and still be forgiven. You get to test your insane theories and sadistic fantasies without being judged. You get to defame the neighbors and be totally immune to repercussions. You get to have someone who always takes your side, whether it is during an argument with your mother-in-law, or a screaming match with a reckless driver. They support you. They have to.

You get to say no. You get to say yes. You get to say screw it. You get to be okay. You get to be safe. You get to be in love.

Well, most of all, you get to be in love.

Whistle.

2015-06-19T02:24:00.000-04:00

I can whistle. I just can't whistle to an actual tune. I wish I could. There is something about whistling that speaks to me. When I hear Dylan whistle, for just a split second I pause, like time stops for a fraction of a second and starts again. I listen and even ask for more sometimes. There is something soothing about listening to the "Dock of the Bay" being whistled in the kitchen. Makes me realize all over again the difference little things make. That's what we need in life. More whistling. I need more of you whistling.

Get You.

2015-04-19T19:14:00.000-04:00

Some people will never "get you." Try not to spend eternity asking why. Sometimes there is just no connection. No matter what you do, you wont find one. Some people will continue to see you differently. So, you must cherish those who lift your soul. And while you are at it, surround yourself with people who lift you higher. There are always a few, you are just not looking around because you are concentrating too much on the people who will never "get you." The world is already filled with the people who want to bring you down.

The most courageous decision you will ever make is to finally let go of whatever is hurting your heart and soul. Make it. Now is the time. Some things are heavy. You must let them go. It is not your burden to bear.

If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls. Do not be one of those people. It's time to start living the life you always dreamed about.

Dream Fall.

2015-03-26T23:15:00.000-04:00

I have been off chasing a dream.

Well, one of them anyway. And I am still not there yet. It is amazing how much energy and effort and dedication it takes to materialize anything. Makes me wonder that perhaps it's really because we don't want to put enough effort into our dreams that they never materialize. We imagine that there is always another day to work on it, that perhaps tomorrow, perhaps next month, I will put my act together and actually get to do what I really love. But we never really get to it.

Over time it becomes such an unattainable idea. We have dreamed it so many times that it no longer has any room in the real world because it would just never materialize as perfectly as it has in our minds. We will stumble and fall, and we will fail. We do.

I almost let a dream fall. I was ready to take an eraser to my soul, wipe the dream that I had carried for so long in my heart. The dream had lain dormant for so long that I felt like I no longer walked towards it. So, I was going to let it go. Then I realized that I had confused the stillness of everyday life with not wanting it anymore.

Now, I am trying to not let the real life get in the way of my dreaming.

Chaos.

2015-02-17T22:35:00.000-05:00

Lately, the strongest urge I have to write is when I should be doing a thousand other things with my time. Things that cannot - should not be delayed. Things that are seemingly so important as to substantially change my life's direction. But will they? For years, I did not have the courage to find out. Now I'd like to try. I'd like to wait till the last minute before the deadline to submit my article. I'd like to try to find a new place without putting it in the GPS first. I'd like to risk not setting the alarm and still hope to wake up in the morning on time. I'd like to walk into the wilderness without any maps.

I kept twirling my reading glasses with on one of it's legs. I knew this would loosen the screws, perhaps completely ruin the glasses, but I didn't want to stop. The other day I put an alcohol-based perfume into a candle I was making just to spice things up. It spiced it up, alright. One word: FLAMMABLE. That candle turned into a firecracker in no time. It was awesome. I liked that little thrill. Sometimes I have to find out - find out what would happen if I microwave the egg for four more minutes (nothing good comes out of that!), sometimes I wait to see if the pot will overflow, if I can walk from my bedroom to my kitchen with my eyes closed and not bump into anything (yes I can!). If I can walk in my heels in two inches of snow without falling. If I can catch a snowflake on my tongue. If I can take that leap of faith, if I can risk that broken heart again.

The truth is, I like chaos, even if it is at a very minor level.

Magic in Life.

2015-01-15T23:41:00.000-05:00

I have been dreaming again. You know, the forbidden kind. We are quick to blame the world. Someone - something must have done something that this terrible tragedy happened. Someone must have forbidden it on me to not dream. Something must have happened. I wondered about that for so long.

But really, it was me. I don't remember exactly when, but at some point, I forbade myself to dream. I don't know how but I settled for mediocrity. I took off my rose colored glasses and saw the world as it was and decided that dreaming wasn't worth it anymore. Things weren't going to get any better than they were and living in reality means accepting it. Eyes on the road, feet on the ground. Let's follow the path. Let's not make it. Let's not pretend like someday we'll be flown off our feet. Let's not give love too much thought. It is, but a dream. Let's hope that someone will take pity on us and walk with us for a while, and that would be enough.

The magic in life - the magic that makes you breathe and bleed, it is but an illusion. A child's play. A party trick. But God, almighty God, isn't that the most beautiful thing you have ever seen - ever felt? Dreaming about magic, dreaming about the possibility that you could be better than who you are right now, dreaming about a whiff of happiness. Dreaming that your life could matter.

The New Year.

2015-01-07T01:08:00.002-05:00

My year began with laughter – quite unexpectedly. We sat by the fireplace and shared memories and drank hot chocolate. We played board games that we hadn't played in a very long time and became immensely competitive. We shared photos we had taken throughout this year while the snow gently fell outside. We made mom laugh until she cried and took embarrassing photos of dad when he fell asleep on the couch. I made the worst peppermint mocha which everyone drank just to not make me feel bad. I read a little here and there when I had the chance – during early mornings with coffee, late at night with coffee, in between movie marathons, and when everyone took naps. Dylan got me a beautiful necklace and I promised to love him a little more this year.

I sat inside the porch a few nights watching the snow glowing in the moonlight, and wondered about how these moments and this life is so fleeting. Before we realize, it’s all a memory. The year-end and the new year; the fireplace and the snow. If I live long enough, my life would be so terribly different by the end of this year. There are things coming towards me and things I am running away form. There are changes happening everywhere, every moment. I tell myself that I can't always stop the changes but I can hope to do good, and be good. I hope that this year I write my story well.

Books I Read In 2014.

2014-12-31T00:18:00.000-05:00

I count my years through my books. This year was tragically sad. I only read a few.

But I'd like to encourage you to post a photo of (or write about) all the books you have read this year, and tag your friends to do the same. Let's see how many books we have read collectively. Perhaps I have read the same as yours. I tag: Katrin, Virkky Mums, Awais, Soumya, Wildflower, Shreya, Wanderer, Launna, Mirage, Momina, Afixxion Addixt, The Other Side of Me, Rajesh, and Ellen

Please feel free to take this even if you are not tagged. Don't forget to let me know once you do. Looking forward to it!

To Breathe One's Last.

2014-12-17T02:16:00.000-05:00

I never know what to tell someone who is grieving from the loss of a loved one. How do you make someone feel better when someone they love has died.

No words seem appropriate, no words seem to do the trick. It is almost hopeless at that time. I just don't know what to say... except that I know how it feels, because I lost someone to death as well, heck, I almost lost myself to it once. But that doesn't make the pain any less.

Death is the eternal break up. We fight and we argue and we quarrel and we are bitter, and we hold grudges for years and years, and then suddenly it's all over. And there is nothing we can do about it. Death doesn't consider if someone loves you and they don't want you to go. It doesn't care if you have a million things to do before you are ready. It just takes, until nothing is left. That's probably the most helpless we can be in this world.

But what's amazing is that how easy it is to forget. How easy it is to completely dismiss the idea that any one of the people we hold so dear to us could be gone in the next second. How we can so quickly and eternally lose someone to something so trivial as a heart attack, a traffic accident, a senseless shooting, or even a suicide. To breathe, and not know it is your last.

Autumn Rituals

2014-10-22T22:37:00.000-04:00

It’s an autumn tradition in the U.S. to go apple picking, and visit pumpkin patches to get the best pumpkin for Halloween, and grab some cider before you hop on the hay ride, and sometimes end the day with a bonfire and s’mores. Sometimes it involves telling spooky stories, sometimes it involves laughter and songs, and other times it just involves silence. We all grew up with that.

Now when I think about it, the whole ritual sounds silly. We pay for an overpriced bag of apples and the quality of the apples is always a hit or miss. There is really not much to the hay ride. It’s sitting at the back of a trailer with hay on it while it drives around the farm at 15 miles an hour. And yet, every year my friends and I itch to do it all over again the moment the first fall wind blows. We go and we pay and we ride and we drink, and we find the whole idea silly and we laugh.

But something has changed over the years. We have stories to tell now. We aren’t necessarily making new memories but rather recalling the old ones; solidifying our friendships while exchanging our experiences from when we were children - when trying to grab the apple from the highest branch was so much more exciting. Somehow doing this over and over again, reminds us of the simpler lives we all once had, helps us get in touch with our innocent selves that was content with just a hay ride and a glass of apple cider.

Childhood memories, no matter how silly, are so terribly important for our sanity today. I think we lose ourselves in the stress, and the work, and the selfishness when we lose our sense of self. We must never forget who we were and how we came about to be. We must never forget that happiness sometimes just means spending a Sunday at the apple farm.

I do hope this fall you take a moment to relive your childhood. Pick your favorite thing you did as a kid and do it all over again no matter how silly it seems. You’ll be happier for it. You’ll be better for it.

[12] Sunday.

2014-08-17T23:02:00.002-04:00


I Romanticize

Even though it's only August, the sun has been having trouble staying out, and I have been having trouble taking photos with natural light. I have a studio setup, but I’d rather take photos in natural light. I like capturing glimpses of life, as they are when they happen.

I spent the weekend at home after a long time. I started looking at the place I live in, how the walls and the roof has always felt so temporary. I look at small displays of my life here – things gathered, read, and worn – the memories created in this tiny place. I wonder what this place will be remembered as when I leave. Will the next person know that I sat by this window countless evenings eating strawberries? That I have counted all the leaves on the tree in the courtyard by my terrace? I wonder if it matters whether there is a ketchup stain on the carpet, or that there is a tiny hole in the wall above my bed from where the string lights hung for all these years. I wonder the marks you leave on places – on people – ever matter in the grand scheme of things.

There is no sure way of knowing whether you’ll leave any effect on this world as you experience it, but you can only hope that what you did in this life was remembered and that you changed places to make them prettier, and touched people in a way that made them more human.
For now, I am going to sit here, and eat my strawberries, and hope that I am doing as best as I can in this life, and with this life. Because it is only that belief and hope that will make me do anything good, if at all.

A Personality Test.

2014-07-13T23:53:00.001-04:00

Online personality quizzes are becoming increasingly popular and it looks like we'll believe just about anything, however vague, they'll tell us. We don't hesitate to flaunt about these elusive results on facebook/twitter and somehow feel enlightened about ourselves. Well, how about you take a stab at the following questions and see if you can answer them for yourself. Who knows, they may enlighten you too.

What’s the kindest thing you almost did? Is your fear of insomnia stronger than your fear of what awoke you? Are bonsai cruel? Do you love what you love, or just the feeling? Your earliest memories: do you look through your young eyes, or look at your young self? Which feels worse: to know that there are people who do more with less talent, or that there are people with more talent? Do you walk on moving walkways? Should it make any difference that you knew it was wrong as you were doing it? Would you trade actual intelligence for the perception of being smarter? Why does it bother you when someone at the next table is having a conversation on a cell phone?

How many years of your life would you trade for the greatest month of your life? What would you tell your father, if it were possible? Which is changing faster, your body, or your mind? Is it cruel to tell an old person his prognosis? Are you in any way angry at your phone? When you pass a storefront, do you look at what’s inside, look at your reflection, or neither? Is there anything you would die for if no one could ever know you died for it? If you could be assured that money wouldn’t make you any small bit happier, would you still want more money? What has been irrevocably spoiled for you? If your deepest secret became public, would you be forgiven? Is your best friend your kindest friend? Is it in any way cruel to give a dog a name? Is there anything you feel a need to confess? You know it’s a “murder of crows” and a “wake of buzzards” but it’s a what of ravens, again? What is it about death that you’re afraid of? How does it make you feel to know that it’s an “unkindness of ravens”?

Source: "Two-minute Personality Test" by Jonathan Safran Foer.