Ramblings of a Mad Man

As Unreal as it gets

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 20:34:00 +0000

Last week at the Game Developers Conference in San Francisco things got... well, unreal.

Epic Games - makers of Bulletstorm (which I'm having a lot of fun playing through now), as well as the Unreal and Gears of War games - released one helluva an impressive tech demo showing off the latest version of their Unreal Engine 3. Take a gander at what you can expect to see in games, soon:

Yup... bad ass!

Bad, bad, bad teacher

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 17:01:00 +0000

Cameron Diaz is a funny actress. I've liked her in virtually everything she's been in. I do not however find her overly attractive. Much the same way I don't find Scarlett Johansson overly attractive. Ya, you read that right. I just don't get her hotness factor. There's something about Diaz's overly large face and wide mouth. To me attractive is Minka Kelly and Jennifer Aniston, but that's a post for another time. Back to Cameron Diaz...

Every interview I've ever seen her in provides further proof that she is one of the most down to earth stars in Hollywood. She seems like one of the guys. And her new movie "Bad Teacher" (due out June 17) might be her funniset movie yet. With a cast that includes Justin "I'm a movie star now" Timberlake, the chubby sales lady from "The Office," and that one guy from "How I Met Your Mother"... well, take a look at the trailer. I laugh my ass off - "LMAO" for those who need text speak to get through the day - every time I watch it.

WARNING: The following video contains material that is waaaaay inappropriate for anyone under the age of 17.

Hey, if vulgar movies starring guys can be hits - do I need to list them all? - why can't a vulgar movie starring a gal be a hit, right?

Right!

The Battle of Los Angeles: 69 years later, still no explanation

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 19:33:00 +0000

I received a PR sheet from Sony Pictures Entertainment regarding their new movie, Battle: Los Angeles. Now I'll admit, this type of movie is right in my wheelhouse! The trailer for it looks great, so I can't wait to see it. But this isn't just another fanciful Hollywood blockbuster loaded with CGI effects. There's some modicum of truth behind it...

Unless you're a history buff, or just really interested in Ufology and/or the paranormal (like I am), it's unlikely that you've heard about the real "Battle of Los Angeles" that took place in 1942. That real event is the jumping off point for Sony's new movie.

In the early hours of Saturday, February 25, 1942, one of the strangest events of WWII took place in the skies over Southern California... something that to this day has not been fully explained.

Just after 2:00 A.M. several unidentified objects were reported over Los Angeles. The threat was perceived as the real deal; air raid sirens were sounded and a total blackout was ordered. At 3:16 A.M., the 37th Coast Artillery Brigade started launching 12.8-pound antiaircraft shells at the unidentified objects. Over the next 58 minutes more than 1,400 shells were fired as the objects moved south, from Santa Monica to Long Beach.

From the Sony PR sheet:

Descriptions of the UFOs varied widely. General George C. Marshall, in his initial memo to President Roosevelt regarding the event, wrote that the 'unidentified airplanes... [traveled at speeds ranging from] 'very slow' to as much as 200 mph and from elevations of 9000 to 18,000 feet.' The number of craft reported by observers ranged from 9 to 15 to 25.

At first, officials offered a very vague explanation. According to the Los Angeles Times (February 26, 1942), the secretary of the Navy, Frank Knox, dismissed the event as a "false alarm" due to "jittery nerves," but when this failed to satisfy the press and the public, the Army responded with a definitive answer that the craft and the battle were real, and the next day, Secretary of War Henry L. Stimson confirmed that. Santa Monica's US Representative, Leland Ford, was quoted in the Times on February 27 calling for a Congressional investigation into the incident, but this went nowhere. In the years since, various explanations have been offered – from Japanese planes to German craft launched from secret bases in Mexico to unidentified aircraft to weather balloons to sky lanterns to blimps.

However, it is also alleged that General Marshall reported that the Army had recovered an unidentified aircraft off the coast of California that indicated that the "mystery airplanes are in fact not earthly and according to secret intelligence sources they are in all probability of interplanetary origin.

What actually caused the battle - weather balloons, enemy recon planes, or UFOs - is still up for debate. We do know that the "UFO craze" didn't occur for another few years. Fighter pilots officially started using the term "foo fighter" for unidentified objects in November 1944, and Kenneth Arnold coined the term "flying saucer" in 1947 after seeing something he couldn't identify near Mt. Rainier. Not long after this UFOs become a national phenomena.

Be sure to read the full report about this event at The California State Military Museum's website as it adds quite a lot of additional information

Perhaps we'll never know what really happened, but it's fun to speculate. And really... what better way to do that then through the magic of cinema.

We want to know: Do you believe in UFOs, and have you ever seen one?

Ramblings of a Mad Man Reboot

noreply@blogger.com (Stevie Chips) — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 04:14:00 +0000

So you’re probably thinking to yourself… Self, Eli hasn’t updated his Ramblings in like, a year! And you’d be right, he hasn’t. That’s because he’s busy… busy being an alcoholic, er, I mean, a Beer Columnist, blogger, Web Tv host/producer/whatever. In all seriousness, I don’t think the guy could become an alcoholic even if he wanted too. I’ve seen him max out a breathalyzer and still be halfway functional, whereas mere mortals such as you or myself with the same BAC would look something like this...

Exactly… I hate him too.

So now you’re probably thinking… Self, who’s this guy? Why is he here?

The Name is Steven Brown, AKA Oh Ye of Common Name. I really got boned on the original name front, there's probably fewer people named Joe Smith out there. I was gonna change my name once, but Optimus Megatron Superfly Spartan Manpower Sex Machine Mclovin Prime wouldn’t fit in the space provided. So I bugged outta there. I’m an all or nothin’ kinda guy. I sometimes go by the moniker Stevie Chips, cause my Father’s mother’s maiden name was Chips and it sounds kinda mafia-ish… or not. Well to me at least it does, and my self delusions are all that really matter.

So why am I here? Good question! I was sitting in my car the other day, eating my lunch, listening to Bubba the Love Sponge on the radio, scraping the last remnants of yogurt out of the cup (because fat people like me eat yogurt in a vain attempt to delude ourselves into thinking we’re eating healthy), when I had an epiphany. It said, “Hey… Eli hasn’t updated his Ramblings in like, a year!” I know, right, thinking the same thing? Pretty cool huh? Whatever…

So I jump on AIM (Cause it’s such a trendy IM program) and chat it up with my old Amigo of 20+ years and say “Dude! Since you’ve pretty much abandoned Ramblings, mind if I sub-lease?” And he said, “Fuck off, I’m drinking.” And I said “You’re always drinking. I think you have a problem.” And he said “It’s my job bitch!” So I said, “Ok, so can I or what?” and he said “Watch where you’re driving asshole!” and I said, “What?” and he said “Some dick just cut me off!” and I said “So you’re drinking, driver and texting me what you’re yelling at someone else?” And he said “what?” and I said “Huh?” and he said “What?” and I said “ok, so can I?” And he said “What?” and I said “Sub lease Ramblings” and he said “Sure, I guess.”

And here I am!

Ok, so he didn’t REALLY say all that, but it’s more exciting than the truth. I asked, he said ok, and here I am. See? Boring!

So what am I going to do here? Well, it’s called Ramblings and right now I’m rambling, right? So maybe later I’ll do a movie review, or a beer review? Or a Beer and Movie Review… I’ll call it a Brewvie! What? Eli already does those on Confessions? Damn, ok maybe I’ll just review local Breweries of my area, the San Francisco Bay Area, or just restaurants in general when I go, or just rambling musings like this, or perhaps rant about some shit that irks me (like a LOT of things!) , or other some such nonsense. We’ll see what happens as it happens. I needed an outlet for an over active ADD brain and this is it.

So does anyone still come here? Eli said Ramblings was actually getting a lot of traffic of late and my request to take the reins and drive a bit couldn't have been better timing. Let me know if you're out there, or if you’re even still reading this, cause truthfully I already tuned out about 3-4 paragraphs ago and I’m typing on autopilot.

And fear not, Old Eli will probably stick his neck in here once in a while to make sure I'm not burning the place down or anything, and maybe drop a "Hey now" post while he's here.

So maybe later if'n I figure it out, Imma gonna try to attach this thing to my Facebook page (cause all trendy Bloggers do that right?). But be warned, if you want to friend me, better send a comment saying you’re a Ramblings fan cause I’m a dick and I don’t accept unknown/unsolicited friend requests. Also if you’re just looking for some schmuck to fertilize your garden in Farmville or buy some shit bling bling in Yoville or adopt some cute virtual baby tiger cub from your Zoo, well then you’re shit out luck. I have all garbage hidden. I can’t see them, so fuck off Farmville. Water your own damn garden.

Til next time, if there is one, Stevie Chips out…

Shift Happens!

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Fri, 22 May 2009 14:08:00 +0000

Things that make ya go, hmmm...

Apparently this was a presentation given back in June of 2008 for a Sony BMG executive meeting. Thanks to my buddy James for passing this on to me. Really interesting stuff here people! So after watching it... what does it all mean? Come back here and let me know.

The write-in candidate for President

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:07:00 +0000

There's yet another Internet message zipping across the information superhighway that claims to be from the legendary comedian, Bill Cosby. While I absolutely agree 100% with said message, look it up on Snopes.com - it's not from Bill Cosby.

Here's the message:

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.

HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it..

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't getting nuttin out. The President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.

(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.

(7) Professional Athletes--Steroids.. The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.

(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export will be allowed, Wheat. The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

The country was founded on certain principals – let’s get back to them! GOD BLESS AMERICA ..

How many zeros in a billion?

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 00:22:00 +0000

The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.

A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes,
at the rate our government
is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ..
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu (D)
is presently asking Congress for
250 BILLION DOLLARS
to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...
what does it mean?

A.
Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
(every man, woman, and child)
you each get $516,528.

B.
Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C.
Or... if you are a family of four...
your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington , D. C

HELLO!
Are all your calculators broken??

Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax (Fed)
Federal Unemployment Tax (FU TA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration T ax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
(And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes)

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to
press '1'
for English.

What the hell happened?????

Political Shenanigans

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 16:17:00 +0000

Why are the politicians trying to bail out the source of the economic problem when they should be bailing out the American people? Why is the government giving money to the very institutions that got us into this economic mess in the first place?

If they government wants to fix this problem, lowering key interest rates and giving BILLIONS of dollars to banks who made all the bad decisions in the first place won't do it. The continual, daily free fall of the stock market proves that. Erasing their debt isn't fair.

If they REALLY want to fix the problem... erase OUR debt. If they're going to clean slate anybody or anything, why aren't they clean slating our mortgages, many of which are bad and given out knowingly in bad faith in the first place. Erasing our mortgages would DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY benefit consumers by DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY putting more money in our pocket, which in turn would DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY improve consumer confidence and DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY revitalize our economy.

How many years is this supposed bailout, written by "experts", supposed to take? Far too long to do anyone any good.

Why bail out the scum bags who put us in this position in the first place? Why are we giving THEM more of OUR money? If we're already in a free fall -- and we are -- why not do something drastic? Desperate times -- and these are desperate times -- call for desperate measures.

It's time the politicians (all of them) pulled their collective heads out of their collective asses and started doing what our Founding Fathers intended... serve we the people.

More driving fun in Colorado!

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 16:34:00 +0000

On the way to work this morning I heard about yet another one-car rollover here in the Springs. I'm pretty sure that makes eleventy million, four hundred thousand one-car rollovers in this state this year alone. It's amazing to me how people in Colorado are still allowed to drive. Speaking of...

Last week I heard about an SUV rollover that occurred on Old Stage Road in Teller County. Three 19-year old boys were tooling around the back woods sometime between midnight and 2 a.m. to apparently get a better view of the stars on a clear night. At some point the SUV they were driving in ran off the road and rolled down a 75-foot embankment. The driver was trapped for about eight hours with his leg pinned between the Chevy Blazer and a tree because the two other occupants had to walk 10 miles to call for assistance. They had cell phones but apparently "cell phones don't work up there." They must not have Verizon.

In a subsequent report I heard that the SUV ran out of gas, causing the vehicle to lose power and was thus was the reason the car careened off the road.

I have some (theoretical) questions:

What were these three 19/20 year olds really doing way back on a mountain road after midnight? Cuz I'm not buying the whole "watch stars" line. Unless of course that's today's lingo for "smoking dope and drinking beer."
What portion of their brains told them it was OK to go "way back on a mountain road after midnight" without a full tank of gas?
I've had a 1992 Ford Bronco with power steering die on me while driving... it's not hard to steer to the side of the road and bring to a stop. So why couldn't a young, healthy, strapping 19-year old keep what had to be a slow moving vehicle (after all, they were on a dirt mountain road in the pitch dark... one must assume they weren't speeding, right?) from sliding down a 75-foot embankment?
Your cell phones really didn't work? REALLY? Switch your carrier.

Thus... the guy who was involved in the one-care rollover this morning and the triumvirate of "star watchers" both win the first ever Mad Man Award for Bad Driving! Stick this on your lapel and wear it with pride!

Teacher Applicant

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 16:09:00 +0000

The latest making the rounds on the Internet... which is awesome!

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

'Let me see if I've got this right.

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior,

observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt

messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually

transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play,

and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and

make sure that they all pass the final exams.

'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their

handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any

other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard,a bulletin board,

a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . . I CAN'T PRAY?'

* Thanks for passing this along to me Larry!

Patience is a virtue

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 14:47:00 +0000

What is the #1 problem with drivers in the state of Colorado? No one has any patience. The wife and I drive from our home on the far north side of town to work on the south side of down every day of the work week. And every single day I see at least two people who feel the need... the need for speed. You know the types I'm talking about.

First you have drivers who must swerve over into the shoulder in order to see around you, thinking there must be something other than the normal throngs of traffic -- likely you -- causing their debilitating rate of speed. By doing this, not one or twice, but seventeen times over the course of three minutes, they someone satiate their compulsive curiosity.

Then you have the morons who think I-25 is a NASCAR super speedway, where racing three wide is not only acceptable, but encouraged. These folks are "awesome." They'll jockey for position in order to get one whole car length ahead of you, cutting off drivers in multiple lanes of traffic with reckless abandon to do so. And the greatest thing about these living breathing reasons for condoms? Nearly every time the Karmic gods of Traffic are looking down and smite them with Driving Miss Daisy; stuck behind the slowest vehicle on the freeway due to their own incompetent driving skills. The rage they fly into is priceless, and can easily be inflamed by driving by them -- in the very same spot you were in prior to their Evil Knievel performance -- and waving to them with a big ole smile on your face. There's no need to flip them the bird because they know they're morons, and they know you know they're morons. The infernal rage that wells up on their face is nothing short of pure bliss.

Then you have the oblivious people who didn't get the memo about it being illegal to remain in the left lane unless you're passing. We ran into of these "I forgot to wake up this morning" drivers yesterday. Apparently the 80 million year old man and his equally aged wife felt it was their God given right to be in that left lane, despite the fact that eleventy hundred cars kept passing them, their occupants honking and waving at them. Nothing was budging the man from his lane.

And I don't have to mention the dill holes who drive while 1) talking on the phone, 2) think it's cute to have their damn mutt sitting in their laps while tooling down the road, 3) read the newspaper, 4) eat breakfast, 5) shave, 6) pick their nose thinking no one can see them through the TRANSPARENT GLASS IN THEIR CAR, or one of a hundred different things.

Laws must become more strict. Driving is a privilege, not a right. Just because you suck in precious air from the planet (in many cases air that should go to someone with far more value to the future of humanity) doesn't mean you have the mental ability to drive a vehicle. Based on what I've seen here... I have to wonder if some of these people can even tie their own shoes.

Pizza pie in the sky

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 16:10:00 +0000

I love pizza. I could eat it every day. But this is without question a sign of the apocalypse.

The dude on his back tossin' pizza dough is Justin Wadstein. Justin is from the good ole US of A and is "performing" during the acrobatic pizza event. I'll give you a few seconds to let you soak in the absurdity of that statement. OK, now for the "fun" part.... the acrobatic pizza event is but one such absurdly lame event in the World Pizza Championships held in Salsomaggiore Terme, Italy.

Apparently this absurdly lame "championship" is held each and every year and is where the world's best pizza makers gather to show off their chops.

Wow, so our society has become a utopia, huh? When did I miss that memo? I mean, it must be a utopia because we have all this free time to indulge in... acrobatic pizza tossing?

We are so doomed.

What?

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 14:24:00 +0000

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha!

*Thanks to CollegeHumor for making this classic video, and Andy at SpringsTV Talk for showing me the light.

Oh my lovely Battlestar...

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 14:53:00 +0000

* As seen on Io9.com

Frolicking French Funnies

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 17:13:00 +0000

As a follow-up to this morning's post, another buddy (Steven) sent along this memorable cover photo for Soldier of Surrender: The Official Magazine of the French Military. Enjoy!

You could have heard a pin drop

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 14:29:00 +0000

I want to thank my buddy Larry for sending these to me. Gotta love each and every one of them!

=====================

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of "empire building" by George Bush.

He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return. "

You could have heard a pin drop.

=======================

Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.

During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?"

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electric power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"

You could have heard a pin drop.

=======================

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, "whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English."

He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

You could have heard a pin drop.

=======================

And this story fits right in with the above...

A group of retired American teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any damn Frenchmen to show it to."

You could have heard a pin drop.

========================

I love being right!

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 21:38:00 +0000

Case in point... remember my diatribe a few months back about the "Dysfunctional" Minute Man? Welp, seems I was right.

According to an AP article written by Megan Scott, next month's Journal of Sexual Medicine will include a report detailing what the "optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse" is. Wanna take a wild guess how much time? If you go off the myriad of myths pervading our society... you'll be so, so wrong.

The survey results were culled from fifty members of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research (how does one become a part of that "society" may I ask?) across the U.S. and Canada. These are honest to God experts (not drunken, mindless frat tards, porn stars, horny 18 year olds, or sexual deviants). The findings?

Optimal time for sexual intercourse ranges from 3 to 13 minutes. Read that again... slowly if you have to. THREE TO THIRTEEN MINUTES. N-O-T hours.

Dr. Irwin Goldstein is the editor of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. In the report he cites a four-week study done back in 2005 that included of 1,500 couples. This study found the median time for sexual intercourse was 7.3 minutes. How did they come up with this time? The women in the study were actually "armed with stopwatches."

Imagine that. OK, don't. Forget I said that.

Marianne Brandon, a clinical psychologist and the director of Wellminds Wellbodies says, "There are so many myths in our culture of what other people are doing sexually. Most people's sex lives are not as exciting as other people think they are."

Meaning: they're not anywhere close to the "high quality" porn movies flowing out of Sexywood. While most of these myths started back in the day, the "Dysfunctional Minute Man Syndrome" is now being spread by the pharmaceutical industry. Glance through the sports section of your newspaper. If it's anything like our local paper you'll find several ads for male enhancement pills. And let's not forget the endless television commercials (the ones with the "hilarious" list of side effects) espousing our supposed erectile challenged society.

So there ya have it. I was right - again. Boy it feels good. Have a great weekend all. I will!

Battlestar gets a Top 10 List!

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 14:39:00 +0000

I want to thank my compatriot Chipper Dave (who runs as many blog sites as I seem to - the poker site Chipper's World, and the beer blog Fermentedly Challenged) for alerting me to this great Top 10 list.

UPDATE: Sci-Fi Channel is airing two new shows tonight to bring you up to speed for the season premiere next week - Battlestar: Revisited and Battlestar: Phenomenon. Check local listings for times.

Battlestar spin-off gets the green light!

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 21:29:00 +0000

According to yesterday's Variety:

The Sci-Fi Channel has given the green light to Caprica, a prequel series to Battlestar Galactica. The two-hour "backdoor" pilot begins production in Vancouver this spring. Both Rondal D. Moore and David Eick, the executive producers for BSG, will join with Universal Media Studios to work on Caprica. Rene Aubuchon will co-write the Caprica pilot with Moore, and Jeff Reiner will direct it. Casting begins soon.

BSG ends its 3½-year run with its last 20 episodes starting on April 4, so this comes at the most perfect time!

* Thanks for letting me know about this, Steven!

How's the Jihad going?

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 18:28:00 +0000

Allah Allah AkBOOM!!!!!!!!! Gotta love instant Karma.

* Thanks for the vid clip, Steven (and the "Allah Allah AkBOOM!!!!!!!!!" line!)

If we were all armed with these...

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 18:10:00 +0000

... every scum bag, cowardly, stupid, piece of filth criminal would crawl back under the rock they slithered out from - and vanish.

Ya, I'm back. I was under the weather the last few weeks - OK, I was sick as a dog all of last week and still trying to recover this week.

But enough of that... on with the rants! And boy do I have some things to rant about.

Battlestar Returns!

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 18:44:00 +0000

Now that the writer's are done striking... GET BACK TO WORK! I kid. But I did just find out that my fave show, Battlestar Galactica, returns April 4 (three days before my birthday, wooohoo!).

The first half of its 20-episode final season (NOOOOOOO!) was thankfully already filmed before the big brouhaha with the greedy basitch studios errupted back in October. Production on the final 10 episodes looks to begin in March. Airdates for them have not yet been announced.

Also of note, Lost (another of my fave shows) will be taping an additional five episodes to begin airing on April 24 in a new 10PM time slot.

Sadly, the 7th season of 24 will not return until January '09. Damn.

Hitler a Cowboy's Fan?

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 16:26:00 +0000

Hilarious! Woulda thunk?

* Thanks for passing this along.... oh crap, who passed this along to me?

Silence is Golden

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 14:57:00 +0000

Words are not necessary. Watch, enjoy... and feel proud to be an American.

*Thanks for passing this along to me, Larry!

Berkeley can go to hell! Or... Stupid People Part V

noreply@blogger.com (Eli the Mad Man) — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 14:54:00 +0000

In case you missed it - the Birkenstock wearing, veagen, leftist, hippy "commune" known as Berkeley, California, recently did something that qualifies as treason.

At the end of January the City Council of this un-American city voted 8-1 to tell the Marines their downtown recruiting station was no longer welcomed. That's bad. But they went one step further and stated that "if recruiters choose to stay, they do so as uninvited and unwelcome guests." It gets even worse. In a separate item, the council voted (8-1 again) to allow the protest group Code Pink a parking space in front of the recruiting office once a week for six months and a free sound permit for protesting once a week.

Tell ya what Berkeley... how about we - that would be the rest of the United States of America - vote to see if we should consider your commune "uninvited and unwelcome guests" to this country, and then kick your sorry treasonous asses off the continent? Sound good?

I grew up in the Bay Area; spent 22 years of my life there rolling my eyes over the bullshit this "commune" continually spews out. Well, enough is enough. There was a time in this country when your actions had consequences. It's time for that era to come back - right now. Thankfully, at least one prominent businessman in that city, which I will refer to as a Black Hole in America, has seen the light. He wrote to the Mayor of Berkeley. This is his letter:

Dear Mayor Bates,

In that you and your city have chosen to gravely insult the brave men and women, who have indeed bought you that right with their blood, I am informing you that my company will no longer do business with any of our current suppliers located in the Berkeley, California metro area.

In that my company is in international resort realestate development, and do business with and am associated with, developers and investors worldwide, I am informing all of my contacts, associates and patrons that we will no longer do any business of any sort with anyone living in the Berkeley area.

In that we/MDG Resorts are currently building a state of the art mega-yacht marina, all of the suppliers of Marina equipment, all owners of Yachts, all suppliers of Yacht materials & supplies, all yacht brokers and all tangential yacht business purveyors will likewise be informed that we will not do any business whatsoever with anyone from the Berkeley area.

Likewise all suppliers of building materials, both interior and exterior, currently associated with any of our several resort developments (Brisamar 300+villas and 200+ condos: Porto Hussong, www.portohussong.www 500+condos, 180 slip mega-yacht marina) both of which I might add have international recognition by virtue of glowing reports in Robb Report, Wall Street Journal, Yacht World, Forbes.

I will likewise inform all of our investors, most of whom are very wealthy yacht owners, casino owners, high net worth international businessmen, of our decision to essentially boycott all products and providers located in, or associated with in any way whatsoever, Berkeley, Ca.

Trust me when I say that having been in the real estate development business for over 35 years, our list of contacts and associates is long and very, very impressive. We, and I personally, are going to recommend that they ALL along with us boycott your city, its purveyors, suppliers, and businesses and CHARITIES of every kind.

You have every right to choose to take the obnoxious anti-military stance you have taken, and as stated, that right was bought for you with the blood of better men than you. I too have every right to do all that I can to insure that your city suffers consequences arising from that obnoxious, sickening stance.

Cordially,

Brian G. Dennard
Principal Director
Meridian Development Group, LLC619 807 2444
http://www.mdgresorts.com/http://www.portohussong.com/

I urge every one of you to contact the city council of Berkeley, CA, via email at: mailto:clerk@ci.berkeley.ca.us. Crash their servers telling them they can piss off. If they don't like the Marines (yet will vote to allow a peace organization to picket and trumpet as loud as they want in front of these same Marines who died for ALL of them), one of the brave armed services branches that gave them their freedom, they can leave the country and never look back. We don't need their ilk clouding the gene pool any longer. I also urge you to contact Mr. Dennard and commend him for his stance, and join him in the boycott of this most un-American city.

Make them pay for their actions.