The Me Project

Fight for the Inches

2011-09-22T21:02:00.002-06:00

Recently I had a conversation that caused me to think about the choices I have made in life and the journey I have been on. Eleven years ago I was pristine. I had the world in front of me and opportunities abounded. I made decisions that cause opportunities to be lost forever and have left deep scars imbedded in my soul. I value my life and my journey and I would not really trade the character I have developed over time. However, the interesting thing I realized as a result of this conversation was that none of the decisions I made were very large in scope. They were little decisions. Inches, if you will, in the race of life. But the impact they have had on my life is very real and very large.

There are many who carry the scars of battle. Whether it's fighting an addiction, overcoming the damage of abuse, poverty, neglect or a million other things. The key factor in anyone's life is the inches they are willing to fight for. And the good news is this: Nobody has to do it alone. We can always reach out and up and there will be aid given in times of need and distress. Life can be beautiful. This I promise you all.

Books for trade

2011-09-20T20:45:00.003-06:00

Here are some books I have that I am looking to trade or lend:
More Sex is Safer Sex
eMyth Revisited
Inside the Tornado
Tipping Point
Winning
Hope is not a Strategy
Team of Rivals
Before you quit your job
Mormons and Masons
Start Late, Finish Rich
Carthage Conspiracy
Teeth of the Tiger
Decision Points
See you at the top

Watch Your Step

2011-08-28T13:54:00.003-06:00

It Takes Time

2011-07-30T12:14:00.001-06:00

One of the hardest things about making personal changes and repenting of long time sins is the frustrating tug-o-war between what we desire-to change and be free from addictions- and what we do-repeatedly falling back on old behaviors. This battle can often leave us feeling overcome by our weaknesses and concluding that there is no hope for change. These feelings of despair are nothing but lies the adversary would have us believe.

In his book Following Christ, Stephen Robinson speaks beautifully to this very issue. He says :

Since repenting is “turning” ourselves around, I think a useful analogy can be drawn from the navy. When a captain decides to turn a battleship or an aircraft carrier, it takes some time for the ship to come around. Though the decision has been made, the order has been given, and the change is being carried out, it still takes some time to bring the ship about. So in our lives the decisions for Christ can be truly and genuinely made, the order truly given and carried out, yet it can still take some time and space to overcome the natural resistance of the carnal self and make the complete turn. There will be rejoicing when the turn is complete and we have perfected part or all of our lives, but should we die before it’s done, the Lord will still credit us for making the right decision, for issuing the appropriate orders and attempting to carry them out in our lives- the rest would have been just a matter of time.

Some may ask, how is that possible? The answer is the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Because of what Christ did for all of us we can rely on His merits to bless and even complete our efforts to make needed changes in our lives. This has been true in my life to be sure. I have struggled and wrestled with weaknesses and behaviors, but I can testify that I have felt the blessings of the Atonement even as I have been struggling to make changes. It is like feeling a divine encouragement, a spiritual cheerleader if you will saying “You’re doing great, keep it up and you can get all the way there.” I express my gratitude for this great blessing and testify that it is available to all who truly desire to make these monumental changes in their lives.

Don't be Too Hard On Yourself

2011-07-17T21:27:00.000-06:00

It hurts to be misjudged. It hurts to have others make a lasting negative decision about you based on one episode or interaction with you. And yet, these types of judgments are commonplace in society today. John Clyde wrote an article for KSL News entitled Confronting a Snap Judgment Society on this very topic. Pointing out a situation he encountered Mr. Clyde asks

“…Is it fair to label a person we do not know because of one incidence? Why do we assume the woman on the corner with a cigarette in her mouth is an unfit parent who probably blows smoke in her child's face? Or why do we think a man working outside is an illegal immigrant who is "stealing" our jobs because of the way he looks or speaks?

Maybe that smoker is having trouble quitting and makes sure she smokes outside, out of the way of her child. And maybe that man is an American citizen who works hard day in and day out for his family.”

I am extremely guilty in this area. I make snap judgments about people based on how they drive, dress, speak, eat, and walk. I make assumptions about a person’s entire life based on a political position they may espouse. I assume that when someone makes a mistake or has a setback they aren’t really trying to change or not interested in being a better person. What’s saddest is: I do this most often to the people I love.

Now this isn’t a confession or a woe is me article. I know I’m not alone in this fault. I know that because I have been on the receiving end of these types of snap judgments. I have made some mistakes in life, serious mistakes, and been judged harshly for them. I try not to be bitter. I try not to be hateful of self-pitying. I try to think that people believe what they do about me because they don’t really know the whole situation and of course, how could they? But the thing that bothers me the most is that with this perspective shouldn’t I be more inclined to not being judgmental? Shouldn’t I be more compassionate?

I don’t really know the answer to that question, but I will say this. I have noticed a direct correlation to the way a person feels about themselves and the way a person feels about others. I am very hard on myself. I am critical, harsh and sometimes downright mean to me. If I can’t find compassion for myself I will not be able to find it for others.

Jesus said “Judge not lest ye be judged.” What the Savior meant was that God is the only person qualified enough to make lasting judgments about people. That includes ourselves. We are not equipped with enough wisdom or knowledge to judge us. God is infinitely more merciful than we are. That is a fact for which I am infinitely grateful. I believe that God looks upon us with more love, tenderness, and patience that we afford ourselves. Why? Because He is perfect and knows us perfectly. He knows when we’re trying and when we’re overwhelmed. And He knows when we are doing the absolute best we can.

What does this have to do with personal change? Well, everything really. We’re all in one phase of change or growth or another. We are all at various stages in life’s journey and if we can realize that we all belong to the larger family of God we can then have more compassion for others and for ourselves. That willingness to set aside our initial impressions or judgments and really try to get past hurt and fear and heartache and sorrow will lead to real healing of some very real wounds that plague us individually and collectively.

God Bless America!

2011-07-04T12:40:00.001-06:00

I wish to express my gratitude for the great nation in which I live-The Unites States of America. This nation, which has been prepared, preserved and protected by the Hand of God, stands as a beacon of freedom and hope to the entire world. I know that America-bashing has become quite popular in our day in an effort to display false humility. However, as one man who was born in Sweden said to me yesterday, “American is not the land of my birth, but it is the land of my choice.” There are millions of people around this great nation who would echo these words and there are many millions more around the world who wish so to do.

This nation has been blessed to be a land of freedom, a land or refuge, a land of prosperity, and a land of peace. We enjoy more liberties than any people in the world. We are by and large more prosperous in all areas than the rest of the world. And we are a generous people, giving more per capita to charitable organizations.

Because of these great blessings we also bear great responsibilities. We must be ever vigilant to maintain our freedoms and liberties. We must also realize that America’s greatness depends largely on the individual quality of its people. We must all be working hard to be better, to reach out and help those in need, to foster feelings of friendship and brotherhood even when we disagree.

I love America and say so unabashedly. May God continue to bless her and prosper her is my humble prayer this 4^th of July.

Reaching Out

2011-07-01T11:58:00.003-06:00

How do you avoid negative actions when you are feeling bad? Reach out. That is the recommendation of authors Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer in their powerful work “Love you, Hate the Porn.” Chamberlain and Steurer address the poisonous affect that pornography addiction can have on marriage and relationships. The most powerful remedy to the damaging effects it can have is reaching out to others, especially the most important person in your life. Write the authors:

It may seem to us like it “works” when we try to distract ourselves from distressing emotions….However, even when they’re ignored, emotions continue to have a rousing effect on the body and brain. Feelings crank up the nervous system. That energy builds inside of us and needs some kind of outlet. Notice that the word emotion contains the word motion. This is exactly what feelings do: they move us. They create motion. It’s impossible to keep and emotion from moving us. Once a feeling or an emotion activates, it begins to create movement throughout our whole system.

The power of expressing negative emotions is tremendous in its ability to defuse the energy of those feelings. For most of us, self expression is new and uncharted territory. We don’t naturally open up and share. Many that I know absolutely refuse to believe that opening up will work. However, when we do take that risk and share what we are feeling to someone who cares about us we will be less likely to go to a self-soothing behavior such as addictions, whether that is pornography or drugs and alcohol or a host of other destructive behaviors.

Sharing feelings can be tough. Most of us don’t even like to acknowledge the feelings in the first place, especially if they are caustic and negative. That’s why it is important to first own your feelings. Many of us try to diminish our feelings to ourselves by thinking “Oh I shouldn’t be feeling that way.” Feelings don’t understand should or shouldn’t. The just are. Right, wrong or indifferent we feel the way we feel. Own it.

Once you own the feeling you can then express it. This is where a grand misconception can come into play. Just because we express a feeling doesn’t mean that anything will change. In the book the authors use the example of a husband feeling exasperation with his wife. He decides, rather than holding in, he is going to express his feelings. He says to her, “This how I feel. I’m not asking you to change or do anything about it; I’m just expressing how I feel.” The key is simply to express the feeling or emotion. Like letting steam out of a pressure cooker it takes the edge off our tendencies to self sooth and puts the train back on the tracks so to speak.

I am still learning and growing in this area. I can, however, attest to the fact that opening up, regardless of how awkward or painful that may feel at first is a major way to take the heat out of negative feelings and allow healing to begin.

Feedback Loops and the Power of Personal Change

2011-06-27T13:27:00.000-06:00

There is a terrific article in the July issue of Wired Magazine about Feedback Loops. A feedback loop is a cycle that all of us experience probably hundreds if not thousands of times a day. We act, gather information or feedback about that action, and then we respond to the information we receive. You can read the entire article here. I will not delve into the science behind feedback loops, but rather share what I have taken away from this article.

The most striking thing I took from the article was this: Human beings are self regulating. This truth flies in the face of millennia of thinking regarding government, law enforcement and even religion. The philosophy that says a)Humans don’t want to change, and b)will only change when forced to, coerced to, or scared into it is simply not true. Yes, we can be lured into compulsive, even addictive behavior. Yes change is tough, but it is possible and even likely if certain key factors are in place. The first of which is information. We need to identify not only what is wrong, but what that wrong behavior is doing to us. Without data we are acting blindly and are likely to be guided by pure emotion or impulse, hence addictive behaviors. When the brain receives all relevant input it will act responsibly. Case in point: The article points out that when a utility company shared information regarding power use with its customers after the fact, power consumption at peak times was unaffected. However, when the company provided data in real time and showed the customer what their power usage was costing there was a dramatic drop off.

The second thing that struck me is this: Feedback Loops are amazingly simple. If there is a behavior you want to change the solution is really as simple as collecting data on the behavior. For instance, many dieticians will tell patients wanting to lose weight to write everything down that they eat throughout the day. The mere exercise of putting that data in front of someone will affect their behavior. Jack Welch, the former Chairman and CEO of GE said it this way, “What we measure matters.”

So given these two facts why don’t more people make the needed changes in their lives. Well one reason is, as the article points out, collecting data is cumbersome. It’s not difficult per se to write down what you eat throughout the day, but it interrupts the natural flow of life and is therefore easily forgotten. There are wonderful technology tools available and forthcoming that will make data collection easier which is good news for those seeking to make change.

Regardless of what technology brings to bear, however, I believe that this article and the science of feedback loops is good news to sufferers from compulsive addictive behaviors. Often times it can feel like an addiction controls you. You can feel totally out of control and hopeless. I testify that our Heavenly Father loves us and would not leave us without hope. He has blessed us with the most powerful computing device known in existence: The Human Brain. If we will harness the power of feedback loops and be honest with ourselves about the real costs of our behaviors we can make the changes needed to become more like Him.

Great Expectations

2011-06-22T15:25:00.000-06:00

I recently read Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I had actually read(skimmed) this book before back in 7^th grade, but as with most forced reading assignments, I didn’t really retain much of the book. Great Expectations is the story of Pip, a young boy with whom the reader goes on a journey as he grows from childhood to adulthood. Pip is endowed, by an anonymous benefactor, with a large fortune. He makes certain assumptions along the way as to who that person might be and begins to construct his life based on certain premises arising from that assumption. The love of Pip’s life is a cold hearted girl named Estella. Pip builds his whole world around the idea of making himself attractive to Estella.

Upon discovering who the real benefactor is Pip is disappointed and repulsed. The man who is responsible for his great fortunes is actually, in Pip’s eyes, someone to be looked down upon and avoided. As Pip journeys from poverty to wealth and back to poverty and indebtedness I began to identify with his internal plight. Pip becomes very ashamed of where he comes from and strives greatly to change what he cannot, ultimately change-the past. He begins to despise the life and those individuals who really love him most. His great dissatisfaction with this life and his yearning to live a life that he sees as being better lead, in the end, to his downfall. It is only when he has fallen that he realizes what truly matters most in life.

The most poigniant message from Great Expectations for me is a lesson taught by the Book of Mormon prophet Alma. Alma was a tremendous leader and missionary. He was a very righteous man. His desire was to have the ability to proclaim the word of God to the entire world. Alma, however, humbly acknowledges his limitations before the Lord and makes the profound statement: “I ought to be content with the things with the Lord has allotted unto me.(Alma 29:4)”

In recent months I have felt as if I am in a great tug-o-war with God. Pulling away from what He would have me pursue and become toward what I would rather become. At times this conflict has been all encompassing, causing me to pray and plead with the Lord. It is a struggle to realize that what I want may not be what He wants for me. The great key is to trust in God and realize that He wants infinitely more for me than I want for myself. Where I may desire riches and wealth, He wants to give me ALL that He has. What a profound gift and what Great Expectations can be mine and all of ours.

Personal Change: A Treasure Found

2011-06-18T14:40:00.000-06:00

I recently stumbled upon a priceless treasure. While looking for something uplifting and motivating to read I went to my grandparents bookshelves to see what they had. Tucked among many westerns(Grandpa) and sappy love stories(Grandma) I found a little volume entitled "Think" written by a Col. William C. Hunter and published in 1918 by the Reilly & Lee company of Chicago.

My efforts to find much information about the author have proven fruitless, however, I did find some information about the publisher. The Reilly & Lee Company was first founded as Reilly & Britton in 1902. It is interesting to note that the founding of the company was the result of another publishing house going under-the same publishing house that first published the Wizard of Oz. But I digress. The Reilly & Lee company was eventually purchased by what is today McGraw Hill. The volume I found originally belonged to my great great grandfather on my grandmothers side of the family-Ed Fernley.

I searched the internet for any reference to the book and have only found it here.

Now for the treasure. "Think" is a collection of thoughts by Col. Hunter on a wide variety of topics from pills and medicine to religion to daily exercise. He does not pass himself off on an expert, but only expresses a desire to inspire the reader to, well, think. I found many of it's passages particularly inspiring and share on with you from the 13th chapter regarding personal change:

Big things take time and patience. The great ship lies in the harbor pointed North. A tug boat could make a sudden pull and break the great chain or tow line.

Yet you could take a half-inch rope and with your own hands turn the great ship completely around by pulling steadily and patiently. The movement would be slow, but it would be sure and you would finally accomplish your purpose.

Don't jerk and fret and be impatient with yourself. You have been for years perhaps worrying and thinking fear-thoughts. You have put a lot of useless and harmful material in your brain.

You can't clean all your brain house in a day or a week, but you can do a little cleaning each day.

You can take the faith-rope of good purpose and start to pull gently, and finally you will turn your whole life's character toward the port of success.

This simple yet eloquent analogy has actually been a blessing for me to understand and utilize in my own journey of personal growth and change. We do not accomplish monumental change all at once. We must keep at it and little by little realize the change we want.

How Joshua 23: 4-13 relates to fighting addictions

2011-06-15T15:20:00.000-06:00

Nephi taught us in the early part of the Book of Mormon that we should “liken all scriptures unto us, that it might be for our profit and learning. (1 Nephi 19:23)” In my study of the Old Testament book of Joshua I am impressed by Joshua’s council to the Israelites regarding the people who remained in the land of Canaan after the Israelites had settled in the land. To me it reads as a formula for overcoming and avoiding addictive behaviors.

Background: Joshua and the children of Israel had just completed a grueling campaign of war, ridding the land the Lord had promised the Children of Israel of its previous inhabitants. Joshua then divided that land among the 12 tribes and had given them each an inheritance in the land. The Lord then granted unto Israel a period of rest from war and bloodshed and allowed them to settle into their new homeland. Joshua, who had been their leader throughout this campaign, was old and about to die. He gathered the tribes of Israel together to give them some last council regarding the land they now occupied.

Joshua 23:4 - Behold, I have divided unto you by lot these nations that remain, to be an inheritance for your tribes, from Jordan, with all the nations that I have cut off, even unto the great sea westward.

Even though the Israelites had taken possession of the land of Canaan, there was still a remnant of the peoples who lived there before. We too are like the land of Canaan. Though it had been “cleansed” of all the wicked populations, there remained some residue of the previous occupants. Addictions can be like this remnant of people. We can be clean for a time or even have gone to great lengths to remove that uncleanness from our lives but there may still remain some residue of past behavior-a yearning to return to comforts of the past. And just as the Israelites felt about the people that remained, it may seem easier to leave them in place than to fight to remove them.

5 - And the Lord your God, he shall expel them from before you, and drive them from out of your sight; and ye shall possess their land, as the Lord your God hath promised unto you.

However, just as the Lord was desirous to expel this remnant from the land which Israel occupied, He is desirous to remove the remnants of former sins and addictive behaviors from our lives. Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles stated: “It is contrary to the order of heaven for any soul to be locked into compulsive, immoral behavior with no way out!” Not only is it possible to overcome these addictions, it is part of the plan of our Father in Heaven.

6 - Be ye therefore very courageous to keep and to do all that is written in the book of the law of Moses, that ye turn not aside therefrom to the right hand or to the left;

It takes courage to live the gospel. Fear and doubt come from the adversary. In 2 Timothy 1:7 we read, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” We can rest assured of the fact that the Lord wants to remove these addictions from our lives just as much, if not more, than we do. We can take courage in that fact.

Just as the Law of Moses was given as a protection to keep Israel in the right way, in the fight to overcome addictions it is important that we obey all other gospel commandments. These basic commandments such as daily prayer and scripture study, church attendance and service will give us strength from heaven to draw upon as we resist the temptations to fall into old patterns of behavior.

The Law of Moses was a very strict code of commandments given to keep the Israelites from wandering. We must also be very careful to live a simplified, narrow life. We cannot afford to “turn aside” at all or we may be dragged back into our patterns of addiction.

7 - That ye come not among these nations, these that remain among you; neither make mention of the name of their gods, nor cause to swear by them, neither serve them, nor bow yourselves unto them:

We must identify all of the triggers in our environment and eliminate them. This will be a powerful preventative against future addictive behavior. Even tiny little missteps can lead to great transgression.

8 - But cleave unto the Lord your God, as ye have done unto this day.

In Doctrine and Covenants 88:63 the Lord says, “Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” We must learn to draw strength from the Lord by keeping his commandments and listening for the promptings of the spirit. As we cleave to Him, He will cleave to us.

9 - For the Lord hath driven out from before you great nations and strong: but as for you, no man hath been able to stand before you unto this day.

Two things here: One, the Lord has performed similar miracles in the lives of many thousands of people and He can do so in our lives. Two, He has performed great miracles in our lives as well. If we will take honest inventory of our lives we will see the hand of the Lord at work. This review will cause our hearts to be grateful and further strengthen our reliance on Him.

10 - One man of you shall chase a thousand: for the Lord your God, he it is that fighteth for you, as he hath promised you.

In our battle with addiction we must realize that it is only with the Lord’s help that we can truly overcome. That is a very reassuring thought. We don’t have to fight this battle alone. We are incapable of doing so. Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, “As you pray for help, the Lord will place in your path priesthood leaders who will counsel and friends who will give support if you’ll let them.”

11 - Take good heed therefore unto yourselves, that ye love the Lord your God.

We must love God. We must realize that the standards and commandments are not given to restrict our freedoms or cause us pain. They are given by a loving Father who knows the way home for each of us. We must not become resentful of the counsel we are given or the repentance process we are asked to go through. If we do, we lose the Spirit and risk falling back into wrong behaviors.

12 Else if ye do in any wise go back, and cleave unto the remnant of these nations, even these that remain among you, and shall make marriages with them, and go in unto them, and they to you:

13 Know for a certainty that the Lord your God will no more drive out any of these nations from before you; but they shall be snares and traps unto you, and scourges in your sides, and thorns in your eyes, until ye perish from off this good land which the Lord your God hath given you.

The Lord will always welcome us back when we sincerely try to repent and change. However, if we indulge in behaviors that are a part of our addictive pattern, or try to live with “one foot in Babylon and one foot in Zion” we cannot be assured of the blessings of the Lord in our efforts to overcome our addictions. We cannot pray for protection from temptation and hang onto “pet” sins. Our prayers will be without power.