My own world

The Nightmare..

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 19:01:00 +0000

Well, the night before I had that scary nightmare, I hardly got sleep back then. Yesterday , I was still afraid that I spent the entire day in the hall among them. At night, I was so scared to go back into my room..eventually, I did ..crying.

But, this got me thinking why would we allow our fears to conquer us? Sometimes, we run to sleep to hide from our fears. But what shall we do when even our sleep fails us? Should we surrender or fight back?

I believe that this is a hint that we have to make our day a place where we hide not from our fear..but the place where we hide the fears themselves...bury them..after killing them, not mercifully, but cruelly in a revenge of all those miserable times they bring to us.

So here I'm ...armed with my forgotton courage which my beloved ones had once planted in my heart..but which I lost in some battles...but I promise I won't let my fear conquer me anymore

as one told had told me once "even if I'm not here physically, I will always be there for you..you just think". I do believe that right now...you are all next to me supporting me in my battle.

so wish me good luck :)

Always be..

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 08:43:00 +0000

Your belief in me makes me strong and not afraid of what is to come..

Your belief in me makes me believe in myself,too.

If I'm sad, it's temporary. Nothing in this life lasts, even sadness :)

I'm strong, I promise to always be :)

Yep, I'm happy :)

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:47:00 +0000

Yep, I'm so happy that even my small eyes disappear in my face as my dimples :)

Wish to the see happiness in the faces' of all my dears :)

Love you all :)

Oh Yeah :)

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 11:58:00 +0000

I'm now happy happy happy :)

Finally, I received my birthday's best gift :)

Thanks Future.org <3

So today is my birthday :)

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 11:43:00 +0000

Today 9th of December, I turned 26 :)

And since I didn't get any wish but from one of my friends, I will wish myself a happy life forever :)

Is it possible?

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 16:01:00 +0000

When we departed ...

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:08:00 +0000

Athazagoraphobia...

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 18:02:00 +0000

I believe this is the worst feeling someone could go through: trying to please others in order to talk to them casually, but somehow they don't want to be near you. Many would say it is their problem and they are the losers to choose to ignore you and bla bla bla. But, whether this is the truth or not, it still hurts deeply. You would not stop thinking what is wrong with you that everyone ignores you. All what will go in your mind is that it is impossible that they all are wrong and you are right ! The problem must reside within yourself. But When you try to search, you could not find anything !! You will just keep asking yourself what can I do more for them?

Sometimes all what you ask is to be special to someone, your parents, friend, or even sister. But when you end up "just someone" in everybody's life, at one point you would give up living. Eventually, you will lose the battle. It is scary to be alone when people ignore you and many forget even that you exist. You will be the prisoner of Athazagoraphobia.

This is really what I feel most time. I feel invisible when I am around others. I do my best to please them, but most time unsuccessfully. I know that I act stupid most time, but I never mean to harm anyone at all. I just want someone to talk to me. I always apologize to them even if I know I did nothing wrong, but I will do anything if this means they will stay with me. It is not easy to do this, it hurts me so much to humiliate myself to keep someone next to me. But I always tell myself that this is life and nothing is easy. Someone at the end has to give up, and it is always me. Writing my dairy turns into obsession because of my continuous fear. Sometimes I feel that I will wake up one day and that no one would remember me anymore. So my dairy would keep me from being insane, it will remind me that I truly exist and know them at least at one point.

I don't want to be forgotten or ignored.

How Far?

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 16:07:00 +0000

I have decided to read Sparks's novel "The Lucky One" for one reason; to know the answer of the question he posed in the cover page "How far would you travel to find love?" Although I know that Sparks would web a happy-ending plot as all his other novels, I still wanted to know: "Is the other partner in the relationship suffer or at least appreciate the hardships the first partner go through to please her/him?"

Everyone must have been asked that same question at least once and most of us would say: "I would do anything to find it". But, have you ever stopped and asked yourself: "Is it worth it?","Is the one we are sacrificing for her/him deserve?" I'm sure no one would say it is not worth it since love is blind! But I think it is true, it is worth to suffer for a time for the sake of love even if the other partner does not deserve because love itself is a beautiful journey despite the worthiness of the other partner in the relationship. At least, this is what I believe !

However, I think one is lucky enough to fall in love even if it did not work. Failure of a relationship does not always mean one is accused of "unworthiness". Sometimes, "letting go" is the noblest form of love. To see the other partner happy with someone else should make you "The Lucky one".

However, while reading the novel I could not stop thinking how far I myself went to please others for the sake of a friendship or a company (not to say for love!) all my life and how I was easily abandoned later. I have taught myself not to hate or even be disappointed of anyone, let say a friend. The time this person spent with me is precious, and by choosing to spend it with me is something I should not forget and denies selfishly! As much as it hurting to be forgotten, it is a luck that gathers me with so many people. I have not been blessed with a close friend, but by looking at the bright side, I have known hundreds of people who had chosen at one point to at least talk to me for couple of hours and from whom I learned alot and enjoyed my time, too! So, I'm "The Lucky One" after all :)

So, "Is it worth the sacrifice?" I would say definitely "Yes" !; "Do they know how much I suffer after they leave without a notice?" I would say no one would know this feeling but the one who went through it, so I blame no one. Who knows maybe one day someone might go far to be my friend, then I will be truly "The Lucky One" :)

Special sometimes...

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 14:39:00 +0000

Temptation

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 17:20:00 +0000

I have been struggling against temptation for a quit time now. It's so hard !

Knowing that what I want to do is wrong and against all what I promised not to do and at the same time trying to ignore all this and instead following my heart is shattering me to pieces.

I keep lying to myself by believing that no harm will happen, but I definitely know the feeling of sadness, regret and shame I feel each time I do such deeds.

I run for Allah each time I feel I'm losing the battle against temptation, but devil plays games with me sometimes by making it appears harmless, which I know is not, and it will never be.

All what I ask Allah is to reward me and replace my loss with something better and grant me power to stand up again and continue my life and resist all this temptation.

So excited !

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 16:52:00 +0000

In 18 days is my 26th Birthday :)

I thought it might be the saddest birthday ever, but I'm expecting a beautiful gift this year. So, I'm so thrilled ! :)

Many scenarios play in my mind as to what I will get on the 9th of December :)

I'm sure I will read beautiful lines that would make me strong and happy at least to the end of the month :)

I've never been excited to receive a thing like this in a long time, I pray I don't get disappointed :)

Embrace life..try !

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 18:36:00 +0000

Have you ever thought about someone else apart from yourselves ! I always think of animals and objects, rather than people. I always have been like this. I wish I can understand them and know what they hide within them. We always hurt them and we don't apologize ! we don't know if they get sad or not. This is shameful.

I always treat animals and objects like real people. In this way, I teach myself to be more sensitive to others' needs. You will learn to take care of all your actions and you will think twice before you do something to anyone.

Hurting others is the worst action you may do in your life. You don't know how much this kills within. You may say it is just a rabbit or a cup. But if you treat such innocent things in a bad way, then I doubt you will treat humans any better !

When I take a book and decided to read another, when I return the other book I apologize :). I feel his feelings might get hurt cause I abandoned him for another :( The same with animals and insects. I would get sad if I kill an ant or a fly :( cause I know that they have a family and must be missed there. I hate to be the reason.

I know how painful it is to be abandoned and replaced; and I know what it means to lose a friend. I try hard not to make anyone experience this feeling. So, try for a day to treat everything around you as humans. You will definitely find another meaning for life :)

I love you all :)

The best feeling ever ~

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 10:26:00 +0000

I don't believe that there is a comparable feeling ~

11.11.2011 !

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 19:31:00 +0000

♥ 2 Hours left for the day to be 11.11. 2011 ♥

YAY. Such a sweet date. I wish I was born in a matching day like this. No body will forget me then :)

I guess many today expect a surprise, either a boyfriend will propose to his girlfriend, a guy tells a girl he loves her so much , or any other sweet surprise :)

And I'm sure many chose today as their wedding day ♥ Oh, how sweet !

Well, I am not expecting anything myself :). But, it does not mean I cannot enjoy it ☆

I bought a cake and brought some candles and I will wait till it clock 12 and I will make a wish:) and it may come true ♥ I am sure that some would happen sooner or later or by force :D
I know this is crazy !. But, since we are doing no harm, why not celebrate anything we want. We don't need others to approve our actions or deeds :)
If I am crazy...I am enjoying it....to the limit ♥♥ :)

White Days

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 21:24:00 +0000

I used to fast the White Days of each month. ( White Days are the 13th, 14th, and the 15th of each month in the Islamic calender).

In such a time last year I fasted these days, too. However, a friend told me something I did not know before ! In this month of year ( Thu Alhijah), Muslims must not fast the 13th day because it is one of what is known as ( Tashreeq Days) which Prophet Mohammed said "they are days of eating and drinking, don't fast them). I did fast it last year :) I was ignorant of this rule. My friend

Jazah'Allah Khair told me about this.

I remembered this as I was about to fast it today :). When I remembered this, I thanked him so much.

May Allah bliss you and reward you for lightening my path:)

Happy Eid :)

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 18:20:00 +0000

I got two smiles !

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 20:52:00 +0000

I'm so so so happy !

I knew that the second day of Eid will prove a better day as I professed in my last post :).

It was a dull day, but then at night I got a message from a dear friend which makes my whole day ! It was amazing to get unexpected message and more wonderful to be a great one !

No, no. They have to make a show in TV and ask people to come and share their best, unexpected moments. I think I will chose this one and talk till the end of show. Or you know what ! I think the show has to be for me alone to tell you stories about my reflections on such sweet, beautiful moments. However, we should not forget to thank Allah for giving us this chance to enjoy happiness and tranquility !

Thanks Allah :)

I really cannot express how much I was happy, that I kept re reading it till 9 hours later :)

Thank you for making me happy !

Repanzul or Ophelia?

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 20:16:00 +0000

Well, first day of Eid is over. It was not as I expected, unfortunately. My invitations were all declined and the hospital asked me to bring a permission to visit the kids which I could not get in the same time. So, instead I came back home and watched a stupid play mindlessly !

But this is a day of happiness, and I thought that I should be happy no matter what. If I don't have someone close to share my day with, I will look at others' happiness and share them. I think I should not always think that the world is always revolving around me, since it stops being so long time ago. I must try to be part of others' world, even if I become a very small one. I looked at photos have been posted in Facebook and those my friends share with me. It was really alot of fun. Although I was not there physically, I really felt part of their happiness. It is true what Prophet Mohammed peace be upon him said that Muslims all feel each other. I got now 23 photo of kids, some I know and some I just got from facebook, all dressing in Eid outfits. They look wonderful and sweet. Anyway, while looking at them I remember what mamy told me once about Eid before.

{Eidyah Beofore :) }

She told me that before in old days, in Eid kids gather and go knocking people's doors to get "Eidyah" which was either money or candies. Then it just came to my mind what is the difference between this tradition and what people do in Halloween day ! It's almost the same tradition ( I know they are different religious days, but I'm taking about the tradition). I then began to think what if we still have this same tradition now. I am sure it would be so great ! I would not really feel alone since I will be at the door waiting kids all the day long ! I will make sure to have the best treat so not the kids in my neighbor would come, but the whole CITY. <3 But I should have my own outfit ! I would not just give candies. I will wear a beautiful outfit. So I thought to choose either being Repanzul from Tangled, or Ophelia from Shakespeare's play Hamlet. If you wonder why I chose one of those, I would tell you now :)
Repanzul was living all alone and then a handsome prince came and they married and live happily ever after :). I would love to have the same ending, although I don't want to be all alone for along time to this happen :)

{Repanzul and her Sweetheart :) }

Ophelia is the most romantic heroine in English literature from my perspective. She loved Hamlet so much and she was willing to sacrifice anything for him ! He rejected her, but she was still in love till she got insane and committed suicide. Then her sweetheart regrets and announces his love to her at her grave. I would love to know that even if I'm rejected, I would be loved later. Because I believe that the word ( Love) has no past tense. It is always present. You cannot say I loved, cause this means you never did love in the first place. So it is always Love only :)

{Ophelia after she drowns herself :( }

Today the weather is wonderful, If I am wearing my outfit and surrounding by many many kids, I would be the happiest girl in the world <3. But I am now in my balacony instead surronded by two rabbits, few ants and an insect I don't know what its name! But she is lovely anyway:) However, I am happy, I should be one. I believe that tomorrow would be a better day N'sh'Allah and one day I will be that beautiful Repanzul, although then I need to dye my hair ! :)

My Sheep !

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 20:20:00 +0000

So tomorrow N'sh'Allah is Eid Adha. Happy Eid for all of you !!

When I see the pictures of sheep around the internet I feel sorry for those cute little creatures, but then this is the command of Allah. I believe that these sweet sheep would have a better life there than here with us monstrous people !

Today I saw my two sheep I would sacrifice tomorrow. Aww they were so beautiful. I put for them two pink ribbons ! It would be wonderful to have one, but I cannot keep them :(. So I gave them those gifts. Do you think they would later recognize us? I think Yes !. I read once that prophet peace be upon him said "Whoever kills a sparrow or anything bigger than that without a just cause, Allah will hold him accountable on the Day of Judgment." The listeners asked, "O Messenger of Allah, what is a just cause?" He replied, "That he will kill it to eat, not simply to chop off its head and then throw it away." So those animals will recognize us later to ask for their rights ! Thus my two cute sheep will recognize me later and maybe say thanks Rema ! Oh, so sweet. I think I would go count how many rabbits, birds, sheep and other animals I had in my life. I would have many sweet friends later. Oh, I wish I treat them well as I think, if not..sorry !

Be kind to sheep ! S/he will remember you later :) This sheep is lovable...look at the photo above, his/her legs form a heart :) S/he says I love you. So love him/her back <3

Again..Happy Eid !

It was a dream..my daughter..

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 19:45:00 +0000

وسافر عنكِ لدنيا المحال	وتبكين حباً .. مضى عنكِ يوماً
سوى الوهم - ياطفلتي- والخيال ؟	لقد كان حلماً .. وهل في الحياة
سحابةُ صيفٍ كثيف الظلال	وما العمر يا أطهر الناسِ إلا
وكل الذي بيننا للزوال	وتبكين حباً .. طواه الخريف
تذوب الأماني ويبقى السؤال	فمن قال في العمر شيء يدومُ
غداً سوف يصبح.. بعض الرمال ؟	لماذا أتيت إذا كان حلمي

The Glorious Word of Allah !

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 15:26:00 +0000

Happy Eid !

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 09:21:00 +0000

Happy Eid for all my dears !

Forgive me..

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 16:01:00 +0000

What words describe you?

noreply@blogger.com (Raiomi :)) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 15:54:00 +0000

Please share what words you saw first !

I saw these four words at the first glance: Passionate, Sweet, Happy and Loyal !