The Telegraph

Restless Leg Syndrome

2015-07-08T06:40:00.002-07:00

I wrote this speech a few years ago and performed it at a Toastmasters state contest. I think it sums up everything that's wrong with drug company advertising.

I’m a hypochondriac.

I’ve known this ever since I came across a “Physician's Desk Reference” and was able to convince myself that I suffered with every ailment contained therein – with the exception of bubonic plague and pregnancy. I am, perhaps, lucky that I am free from these two disorders, because I understand that bubonic plague can be quite unpleasant, and pregnancy - according to my mother - eventually causes insanity.

So, knowing this you can imagine how I felt as I watched television one night, and saw a man in a long white lab coat, wearing a stethoscope around his neck, warning me about the dangers of R.L.S. or “Restless Leg Syndrome.” As I listened to him I became certain that I was afflicted.

It’s true! As I recline in bed at night, waiting for the peace of sleep to envelop me, I often have the desire to move my legs around. This, I learned, is one of the primary symptoms of this insidious problem. Until I had the good fortune to encounter this television expert, I thought it was just “getting comfortable,” but apparently it’s much more serious than that.

Luckily, a solution exists. What I needed to do was “Ask my doctor about for some of the advertised medication.”

Now, as crazy as this sounds, I was actually prepared to visit my doctor – a man with about 25 years experience diagnosing various medical ailments – and tell him that based on a 30 second T.V. commercial I needed a prescription for this wonder drug.

But then I began to look at the side effects. And I quote…
“If you experience increased urges for drinking, gambling and sexual activity see your doctor.”

Drinking gambling and sex? Who invented this stuff? Dr Jekyll?
You know, If I experience symptoms like these, I might see a doctor, but I would be much more likely to head for the nearest night club – preferably one with poker tables and 2 for one drinks specials.

But is this really my only choice? Either live with restless legs, or adopt the lifestyle of a rock star – but without the musical ability, the money, or the fame.

I'm sure this is a modern problem. If I lived in a less technologically advanced society and went over to my local medicine man's mud hut, and said, “Hey doc, I think I have restless legs.”
After he stopped laughing he might suggest that I chew the bark of the bungus bane bush or shove some bees wax up my nose, but in any event, I’m pretty sure his remedy would not conclude with, “...Side effects may include Dizziness, Nausea, Vomiting, Stomach cramps, and Diarrhea...”

Side effects seam to be a by product of modern pharmacology, and I don’t like them.

So I met with some friends, and over dinner asked their opinion about what I should do. Imagine my surprise to discover that six of the seven were also tormented with this debilitating condition. That evening I watched my cat – an animal well known for its ability to easily fall asleep – and it’s tiny paws were twitching. I must therefor conclude that Tiddles is also infected with this devastating malady!
In fact I bet there are even some fellow sufferers reading this today.

So let me help you, because I’ve done the research.

RLS, or Wittmaack-Ekbom's syndrome is also known as:

Jumpy Legs, Jiggly Legs, Jimmy Jams,

Heebeejeebees, spare legs, kickylegs, stretchy legs,

and my personal favorite, sewing machine foot.

Do you get the idea that this variety of names, perhaps, shows the depth of scientific understanding regarding this condition.

Even the drug company's own website says that the symptoms may be “hard to describe.” Now, while this may be very convenient for a drug manufacture, it is a living nightmare for a hypochondriac like me.

Of course, what the website doesn’t find “hard to describe,” are even more side effects. In addition to the impulse control disorders, it seems that hallucinations may even occur. I think this could be very inconvenient, especially if you are an air traffic controller or a school bus driver, or what if your at the gambling table and you risk your life savings on those five red queens.

Another side effect that gives me pause - “may cause you to fall asleep without any warning.” So given a choice of an minor manifestation of the jimmy jams, or slipping into unconsciousness in the fast lane of the turnpike, I think I will choose the option that leaves me alive.

Of course if you thoroughly research this subject you will find that if you drink less coffee, and get more exercise your legs will be just fine. This is the advice I followed and I am proud to say that at the time of this writing I have been heeby jeebee free for 2 years 3 months and 12 days.

I learn three important things from this experience.
One. Just because someone has a white coat and a stethoscope doesn’t mean they know what they are talking about.

Two. You don’t need a pill for everything.
And three, When you turn your TV on you don’t have to turn your common sense off.

If you enjoy humor, please read the Mud Lane books, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

Jerk Chicken

2015-01-12T11:11:00.000-08:00

Stephen R Drage

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

Oh goody.

2015-01-05T11:10:00.000-08:00

Stephen R Drage

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

Don't do this.

2014-12-29T11:09:00.000-08:00

Stephen R Drage

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

Help needed.

2014-12-22T11:10:00.000-08:00

Stephen R Drage

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

That's just sad.

2014-12-15T11:08:00.000-08:00

Stephen R Drage

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

The diagram is the funny bit.

2014-12-08T11:07:00.000-08:00

Stephen R Drage

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

Got It

2014-12-06T15:30:00.000-08:00

GOT IT!

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

The vigil

2014-12-04T15:29:00.000-08:00

I have affixed the nut onto the trap using copper wire. While I am reasonably sure that El Diablo can chew through this, I am also sure that he will trigger the spring if he does. I replace the trap in the attic, and as I do, I sense he is watching me from the darkness. I return to my control room and sit in front of the video monitor...and wait.

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

How did he do that

2014-12-02T15:28:00.000-08:00

The video shows El Diable approaching the trap with suspicion, he circles it several times, and then proceeds to carefully remove the nut with the skill and delicate touch of a bomb disposal expert. He then drags his prize off to the side and devours it in the shadow of the trap to taunt me. The battle of wits between man and rodent has just escalated.

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

Has this really become a problem?

2014-12-01T11:06:00.000-08:00

Stephen R Drage

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

Another trap

2014-11-30T15:27:00.000-08:00

After reviewing numerous rat eradication products at my local hardware store, including poison, glue and a very high tech electrocution box, I have settled on the spring traps that really do a number on your fingers if you do not exercise extreme caution. For bait I will use the nuts as these seems irresistible to El Diablo. The nuts were difficult to put on the trap with all the band aids on my fingers. Given my competency with these devices, I am now glad that I didn't use the electrocution box.

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

Rat

2014-11-28T15:25:00.000-08:00

It's worse than I thought. Today I got a lovely image on the surveillance video of a large evil looking rat with glowing devil-like eyes. It is amazing that we think of squirrels as being cute, but shave their tails and they become hideous disease ridden vermin. I'm sure if rats realized that a bushy tail was all that prevented them from getting a starring role in a Disney cartoon, rodent tail toupees would be all the rage.

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

Lights, Camera, Action

2014-11-26T15:25:00.000-08:00

From my days living in Florida, I retain a video surveillance system. I am going to look for it and install it in the attic, so that I might get a good look at exactly how this devilish beast performs his magic. As I recall it was quite an elaborate system with infra red motion sensitive cameras that record to a hard drive. It's the sort of hardware that Al Pachino used in Scarface.

“Say goodbye to my little friend.”

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

El Diablo strikes again

2014-11-24T15:24:00.000-08:00

By some miracle this crafty animal is able to circumvent my best efforts to eliminate him. I drove around for about an hour today looking for a stray cat that I could put up in the attic to provide a little company for the unwelcome invader. I found three but they proved more difficult to catch than El Diablo. In desperation I stopped at a local pet store to purchase a boa constrictor, but changed my mind when I realized that the cure may well be worse than the disease.

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

Wonderfully put.

2014-11-24T11:04:00.000-08:00

Stephen R Drage

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

The nuts are gone

2014-11-22T15:23:00.000-08:00

The nuts are gone. I have heard that there is such a thing as a flying squirrel, and for the first time am forced to consider that I may be dealing with one. This assumption is based entirely on the idea that he is flying into the cage and hovering while he eats the nuts – thereby avoiding putting his weight on the pressure trigger and averting subsequent capture. We seem to be at an stalemate now. I'm going to try it one more time and if it doesn't work I will electrify the cage.

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

El Diablo doesn't like apple

2014-11-20T15:21:00.000-08:00

This morning, by some means known only to El Diablo, the apple had been licked clean of peanut butter. The trap remains empty and un-sprung. Did he actually go inside it or did he remove the sticky bait with some devious trickery. Alternatively he may be too small and lite to spring the trap, or even smaller, and is able to crawl through the bars. I am going to try again and use nuts that are too large to fit through the bars – thereby forcing him to go inside the trap.

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

Have-a-heart

2014-11-18T15:20:00.000-08:00

Have found something called a Have-a-heart trap. Apparently it's what the experts use. It has a spring loaded door activated by a pressure plate just in front of the bait, and is guaranteed to trap the little... botheration. But having witnessed the ease with which squirrels defeat my squirrel-proof bird feeder my confidence for the mission is not particularly high. For bait, I have used an apple covered in peanut butter. This is supposed to be the very pinnacle of rodent dietary passion.

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

Just don't let him drive afterwards.

2014-11-17T11:05:00.000-08:00

Stephen R Drage

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

Untouched bait

2014-11-16T15:18:00.000-08:00

This morning I see that El Diablo has not touched the poisonous bait. How is it possible that a nose that can tolerate several hundred mothballs can still detect the subtle aroma of drain cleaner and ammonia. I went out to purchase some professional poison but was told that it is illegal to poison a squirrel. So if a man breaks into my house I can kill him, but if a squirrel does the same I have to remove him humanely. What am I missing here?

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

The terror persists

2014-11-14T15:14:00.000-08:00

A wasted day with no sightings of El Diablo, but whenever I leave the area I can hear him exploring, taunting me with his scratching and foraging. No more Mr. Nice guy. I have prepared a custom concoction by soaking wall nuts in mixture of everything in the garden shed that had a “danger”, “poison,” “hazardous,” or “radio active” warning label. The trap has been set. Adios El Diablo.

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

El Diablo

2014-11-12T15:13:00.000-08:00

This morning the sounds emanating from above are different and I visualize a group of tiny rodents playing soccer with mothballs. I rush up into the attic again but there is nothing to see. The animals seem to be able to disappear at will, which gives weight to the theory that they are supernatural in origin. Tomorrow I am going to go up there with a deck chair, a flash light, a flask of coffee and a loaded .45

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

Chemical warfare

2014-11-10T15:10:00.000-08:00

On my way to buy a five gallon drum of squirrel-be-gone, I stopped at the local pub. There, a fellow patron, and probable squirrel expert, told me that mothballs contain the same active ingredient as squirrel repellant, but at one tenth the price. I returned home with an economy size box of them, and with new found courage shakily climbed the attic ladder, and stumbled around in a drunken frenzy, throwing mothballs randomly while screaming curses at El Diablo. The attic now smells horrible. I'm sure the pest will be gone tomorrow.

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage

No, he didn't say this.

2014-11-10T11:03:00.000-08:00

Stephen R Drage

If you enjoy humor, please read Mud Lane, (available on Amazon.com) or listen to my free podcast on iTunes (Stephen R Drage) or here at http://www.drage.libsyn.com/

Stephen R. Drage