You can't get there from here.

Discipleship is easy, if you do it wrong

2011-07-27T15:19:00.002-06:00

"And then from the moment they met Jesus, they did exactly as he expected and never failed him..."

I think that's the way most of us in the clergy expect the gospels to end. Jesus calls his disciples, they meet him and they walk off into the sunset because the disciples have been instantly changed into little Christs.

But somehow, this is never the way it works in my church. And it wasn't the way it worked for me. It sure would be nice if it did.

I could just point my finger and, bam!, she no longer worries, he no longer offers excuses, she immediately follows through more and he suddenly cares about his spiritual life.

But, for some reason, it never works out that way.

I think we have settled for an already assembled version of spirituality when the bible teaches a certain level of "do it yourself." Most of us pull into church, order an increase in discipleship, and then drive off, ready to reap the rewards. But the way I see discipleship in the bible, it took the best (Jesus, in case you didn't know) 3+ years to form these vapid fishermen into some semblance of a church.

And most of the time I expect serious improvement next week.

The real tragedy of this line of thinking, is that most often it comes from a clergy who think we are already "spiritually formed." But the fact is, true discipleship demands that both the one being discipled and the one doing the discipling are constantly in motion, constantly examining their own relationship to God, constantly seeking more in themselves.

Hopefully I can remember these two things better, 1. I need to change as much as anyone else, 2. Real change takes days, weeks, months, even years.

Going home

2011-07-19T16:53:00.003-06:00

It was really easy to look at the last ten years objectively and know that they had, in fact, happened. I attended Howard Payne for four of them, Truett seminary for another three, and lived in Colorado for three. But when I really thought about it, it just didn't seem to make sense that I had been away from Classen for more years than I actually attended it.

Classen is a magnet school, ranging from grade six to twelve. So, for those seven years, I was surrounded by almost the same supporting cast (forgive the self-centeredness... we are all the star of our own show). I attended the same church and had the same friends. Then, one day it was over. I moved to Texas, learned some stuff, married a wonderful lady, and then moved to Colorado. Those years would always be a part of me, but they were no longer most of me.

The thing that I wasn't really aware of, was that there was really one person who had always been my biggest support.While I was busy with papers and girls and friends, one person was the light in my life regardless of how selfish I truly was. She was there every time I drove the five or six hours it took to make it home, she was there when I needed to wash clothes, and she was there when I didn't want to stay at my mom's house anymore. My grandma was the rock in my life.

Then, one day I got a call. And she was gone.

It's only been a couple months now, and it it still feels a bit surreal. It feels like the next time I go home, she will be there. She will exclaim "OOOHHHH!" as I walk in the door. She will repeat how good it is to see me, and she will walk in front of the TV on a critical fourth down or just as I am attacked in a video game.

But the truth is, I know she won't.

In the same way that I can't go back to the simplicity of just being part of Classen and Northwest, I can't go back to the days when she was there to lift me up. She won't be coming back.

I went to Oklahoma City for my ten year reunion, and for the first time she wasn't there. She didn't tell me how proud she was of me, or that she wanted an applesauce donut. In reality, it was difficult for me to appreciate her when I had her, but now that she's gone it's my hope that I still can make her proud.

Rest in peace, Roberta, you are missed.

AAAAANNNDDD.....

2011-06-22T15:49:00.003-06:00

I'm back.

It has been a pretty eventful couple of months for me, guess more like four months... but here goes.

Sometime in April Robin and I made the difficult decision that if we were going to follow this dream of pastoring a church plant, we needed to jump all the way in. We prayed and thought and crunched some numbers, and realized that maybe God was just calling us to leap. So we did.

So here I am. Two and a half weeks into pastoring with all my time. So far, I love every bit of it. The only problem with doing all your work for God, is the payscale. The church has been very gracious and generous to us, stepping out in faith to pay something, but let's be honest, we'll never have to worry that I'm making too much...

My weight loss goals have held pretty well. I am hanging right between 200 and 205, and while I would like to drop all the way to or below 190, this is a pretty good spot so far. I think if I went hardcore for a month or so, I could pretty easily drop that last little bit. I feel so much better than I did at 225 and fit my clothes much better.

I like to think I'm being a better husband as time goes on, Robin recently told me she is the happiest in our marriage she has ever been. And while I would like to think that is all due to me, quite a bit is due to her. And probably more credit is due to God. He has given us peace and taken away stress in what very well could have been a very difficult transition. He has held us up, and I look forward on talking in the future about how he has been providing.

Hope to keep this up weekly, next week will start on more theological type topics.

In the name of Jesus

2011-02-17T11:18:00.003-07:00

Just finished reading this wonderful little book by Henri Nouwen, and honestly teared up a few times. The reminders he offers in it are pretty difficult to swallow, while at the same time being fairly revolutionary.

The book was written as a series of lectures that he delivered on Christian leadership in the 21st century. The more I read the more I wanted to read. The more I thought "yes! this is what we are all missing today. this is why church is broken."

Nouwen offers that many times we are tempted to lead, Jesus is really calling us to the servant mentality of allowing ourselves to be led. We should regularly end up going where we don't want to go, and experiencing things we don't want to experience. And I kept thinking it felt really familiar.

Sometimes I just ask Jesus to let me give up on being in ministry, but I am reminded that this is where he wants me. My theological reflection leads me to trust and follow, even thought sometimes it is incredibly hard. And after reading Nouwen, I have more hope that I am doing the right thing.

At the end of the book, he talks about how he took a man who is mentally retarded with him to his leadership event. The whole time they talked about "doing it together" and after Nouwen had finished speaking, his friend stood up to say a few words. Then his friend spent time meeting people and getting to know those in attendance. His friend was not particularly well-spoken, but the whole point of it was to do it together. Jesus wants us to let others participate in the ministry, even if sometimes they don't do a great job. And that's really humbling to me.

February

2011-02-13T19:43:00.002-07:00

Ok, really dropping the ball on my blogging resolution.

Finished up my month of diet pretty well. Ended up -14 for the month. Not as good as I hoped, but I fit into small jeans now... so that's good.

As for loving Robin better, I surprised her pretty well with an anniversary gift, so I think I'm doing pretty well on that...

Reading, I have finished 11 books so far this year, so well ahead of pace. Still sucking at my language discipline, so time to get that in gear.

I have been thinking about church quite a bit recently, and one of the main things I have come to realize is that I need to learn to appreciate wherever we are. I definitely don't mean that I should allow myself to be complacent and to think that we have arrived. But I do mean that I should learn to enjoy the ride and to be grateful for the victories that we do have.

We have had some really positive things happen since Refuge started. Just the other night I listened as people on our leadership team poured their hearts out to one another. That wasn't happening when we first started.

I meet weekly with a guy who has never really spent much time thinking about God, but since becoming part of our church he says every day has something to do with God.

We have been provided for every step of the way, we are looking to go on an overseas mission trip this calendar year, and we fight pretty well. No, Refuge is anything but perfect. But, Refuge is functional and loving. And that makes me hopeful and grateful. I can only hope we continue to grow in love and hopefully continue to add those who are not churched. If nothing else, God has been teaching me through this whole process.

Dang. And Ethics....

2011-01-24T11:19:00.002-07:00

Oops. So... grade for weekly posting-- F. Sorry team

Grade for diet for this week, D+. Had a serious relapse yesterday, ate most of a thing of crazy bread and drank a DP. It was just so good. Gained a pound back. I'm still at minus 12 pounds for the month, hoping to rally this week and end up at minus 17-20 or so by a week from today, so I have my work cut out for me. Hopefully I can finish strong.

Language grade- 0. I have done nothing on it and am ashamed of that.

Reading grade- A-. I have read well, but have a couple books that I need to put to sleep this week. Next week is vacation so will only read fiction that week, should easily kill 2-5 that week.

Loving spouse grade- B?- I'm making a more concerted effort to ask questions and listen better, but still much improvement to do.

Ethics:
I have been thinking a lot about ethics this past couple weeks. I spend (too much) some time on reddit.com while at work, and probably 95% of the vocal posters there are aggressive atheists, meaning they can't let a post go by without criticising Christianity. And we probably deserve quite a bit of criticism.

However, one criticism I believe is off-target. Many will say that they do not need some "flying spaghetti monster" to tell them how to be a moral person. I think they couldn't be further from the truth. I want to submit that the only biblical measure of ethics is relationship.

Now, this idea is certainly not original with me, but I'm not sure who to credit with it, so I just want to at least claim that I am not taking credit for the idea.

Some of us like to pretend that there are two ideas floating around of "good" and "evil" and that they are completely objective. I think "good" and "evil" are 100% subjective. They are completely and totally products of relationship. No rule is arbitrary, but every part of good ethics is relationship.

The only correct relationship from human to human is one of altruistic love. The only correct way to view others is that they are more important than us. That is the only ethic we are called to.

The only correct way to have relationship from human to God is one of obedient love. The relationship of creator to creature places us where we might sometimes follow God's command even if it seems arbitrary for us. The reason being that God has revealed himself in and as love, thus if we are to be in correct relation to him, then we must trust that he has our best interests in mind. We will never completely understand, but that is not for the creature to decide.

The difficulty is determining what God told us to do and when he told us to do it. If someone claims that they were told by God to blow up a building, does that mean we trust them and hand them some C4? I think we have to judge each instance separately, but I think we can generally say that blowing things up is not in line with love. So if God is love, then God would not command us to do something unloving.

Blowing up a building is an easy target (pun intended), but what about something like telling someone the brutal, honest truth? When is that appropriate? I think at that point we have to judge ourselves and ask our creator for wisdom. We will end up in gray areas, but we must constantly be looking at motivation and examing ourselves constantly.

Binding up...

2011-01-13T12:35:00.002-07:00

I wish things didn't have to hurt. I wish that when we had crisis of faith we could waive a wand and things would instantly be fixed. I wish that the bible worked like that, that we could simply quote Psalm 91 and God would have to heal us, emotionally, mentally and physically.

As weak as we are as human creatures, we generally think of our frailty in physical terms. Why can't I survive in space, why can't I breath under water, why can't I fly?

But I think if we consider the words of Jesus and the authors of the bible, we have to confront the fact that we are weak emotionally and spiritually, not really so much physically.

Earlier this week I was really discouraged, I was frustrated with God, with our church and with my life. I asked God why things don't turn around quickly, or why everything is so slow. I didn't really get much of a response. And the beat goes on.

But as I have reflected some, I remembered the words of CS Lewis that basically say that God shouts at us in pain. Maybe God had tried to speak to me in other avenues, maybe God was trying to fix me in other ways, maybe he came to the conclusion that the only way to wake me up was with some pain. And like a good surgeon, he will not stop cutting until the bad parts are gone. And it sucks.

So when I think about the words "Blessed are the brokenhearted" I have to wonder what strange masochist calls that a blessing. But in my myopic glare, I often forget that Jesus could say that because he himself was brokenhearted.

So, I don't know that there is any inherent value in suffering, but I do know that it is a byproduct of something else.

There is a wonderful part in the Harry Potter books when Harry is raging at Dumbledore. He tells him he doesn't want to love anymore, because he doesn't want to hurt anymore. He wants to just turn his back and quit. But the reason Harry is remarkable is because he can still love even though he has been hurt so badly. And I think that is why God allows us to have our hearts broken. He needs to know if we are committed to this love thing as he is. He feels every bit of the pain we do, but he has not quit on us. My hope is that I can continue even with the pain. My hope is that the one who was broken for me can somehow heal me in the same way.

Checking in/ snow jerks

2011-01-10T11:48:00.002-07:00

So, first to check in/update on my progress for 2011.

First: My goal of losing some weight. I have lost 6 pounds after 1 week of diet and exercise. My goal of dropping 20 by the end of January is on track. I imagine that dropping the next 14 will be harder, but can work out more if I notice stagnation. Both are hard, but the eating well is much more difficult for me. Evidently, I am ruled by my belly.

Second: My language study. I get an F+ for this. The only reason for the plus is because I have actually made plans to do this. Otherwise I have sucked it up. Meaning, I have done nothing but plan.

Third: Reading. I am doing great on this. I have roughly a week left in two pretty difficult (for me) reads. I am going to knock those out, have finished "Radical" and am on pace to get my reading done right this year.

Fourth: Being a better husband. Not sure if I can track this very well, but I think I am being more supportive and better in general. (jury still out on this one)

Fifth: Blogging. Bam! Right here suckas.

Snow jerks: So, we have had our first decent snow of the season this past weekend. And as I was driving to work, I couldn't help but think that someone in a horse-drawn carriage would have beaten me in today. I noticed that people drive very differently in the snow, so I have some of my rules and some of theirs below.

Mine
1. Lanes are unimportant at this point. Just follow the tracks other cars made before.
2. Brake often. You'll never make it to work if you wreck.
3. The goal is not to keep from sliding, but to slide in an awesome, controlled way.
4. Everyone driving faster is a jerk, and everyone driving slower is a grandma.
5. Stick to highways, doi.

Everyone else's
1. If you are in an SUV you are invincible. Drive as fast as possible while changing lanes frequently.
2. If you are in a Subaru, follow #1 while also talking on your phone.
3. Accelerate on bridges. Black ice is a myth.
4. Glare angrily at the Mazda that is driving too slow, then brake abruptly when you look back in front of you.
5. Do not yield, ever, no matter what.

Checklists

2011-01-05T12:20:00.002-07:00

So I live my life checklist-to-checklist. I get into work in the morning and write one out, then my goal is to have it completed by the end of the day. On Saturdays I create a mental checklist of things I need to do that day, then repeat on Sundays. Those are usually pretty easy and just include things like 'read' or 'watch football' but they help me keep my goals in mind... I create a checklist before I go to the store, then just remember it by counting the items and slowly counting them off of my mental list.

So, like I said, I live my life one checklist at a time. This blog post is helping me fulfill one of my resolutions. The broccoli I choked down before starting this is helping me with another.

So my typical checklist looks something like this:
1. Clear email
2. Make callbacks
3. Check upcoming interns
4. Write intern letter
5. Update tracking, etc.
And on all the way up to 15 or so...

The only problem is that invariably I don't really follow my checklist. My actual practice checklist is:
1. Check email, only respond to those who need immediate response
2. Go to reddit.com
3. Shout something at Micah
4. Stroll around the building
5. Check reddit again
6. Check OU message board
7. Tell myself to quit slacking
8. And here we are...

No life lesson, just confession of my own sloth today.

The late, great 2010

2010-12-31T15:59:00.002-07:00

Doesn't really quite have any ring to it whatsoever... Well anyway, 2010 has come and gone and I'm preparing for 2011. I am looking forward to a plethora of good movies this year, a few good video games, and a chance to have a better 28th year than 27th. My 27th was anything but bad, but I want to be a better man this year. I am also extremely OCD about odd numbers, so my conundrum is always that either my age or the year are not both even, though I was born in an even year.

All that to say, I have spent some significant time working on some goals for 2011, so here we go:

Reading: Finish at least 40 new books this year, while mastering/rereading at least 10. This will probably be one of my easier goals.

Writing: 1. Blog at least once per week. And, since I haven't had this editor open since September, that will be a challenge. However, I did shoot out 52 posts last year, so I at least made the average right.

2. Begin writing seriously. No particular subject, but would like to start getting a lot of my memories written down.

Fitness: Drop about 30 pounds, and keep it off. Not sure why this is listed first, as it isn't really my main goal. My main goal is to be in much better shape. That will start, for me, by spending at least 40 minutes every morning doing cardio of some sort. Then, Mon, Tues, Thurs and Fri at least 30 minutes lifting weights. I would like to average less than 1 DP per day in 2011, and most days, Mon-Sat, spend at least 1 hour in some sort of active pursuit.

Languages: Spanish. Would like to get a basic facility with Spanish. I took five years, so hopefully it isn't incredibly difficult to get back.

Greek. Need to translate at least on letter, work my way through a vocab book, and work through a basic grammar. Need to use this daily so that I don't suck at it.

Hebrew. Would like to build my basic vocab back up. Would like to work through a basic grammar and translate a short prophet or something like that. Ok if I suck at it, but right now I'm not even approaching sucking.

Relationships: I more than anything want to be a better husband this year. I don't think I have been terrible, but Robin deserves my full effort, and sometimes I haven't given that. I want to put the same kind of work into my relationship with her as I do many other things.

I want to develop relationships with pastors in town, and meet many non-Christians. I want to start being a regular at some places.

Hopes: These things are completely out of my hands, but they are things I am hoping and praying for anyway. First, that we could get pregnant and have a kid this year. Second, that we could find a church that is either dying or wants to share their building so we can have our own place to meet. Third, to be able to be full-time at church.

My hope is that by putting some of these things out there I can hold myself accountable to do them. I want to have a better 2011 and these are things that will help me do that.

The Reverend

2010-09-07T19:26:00.002-06:00

In my line(s) of work, I deal with a lot of people who are in "ministry" in various places and forms. Some are very genuine, for all I know all are, and many seem to be practicing what they preach. Some are pastors and some are parishioners, some are educated and some are not. Some are called "reverend" and some are not.

But none are called that by me.

I refuse to do it.

And sometimes I worry that I am just being a jerk. That I just like to knock people down a notch and remind them of their own fallenness, which is probably too true. But I think I have a good reason outside of my own jerkishness.

I think Jesus said it well when he told the disciples not to let anyone call them "father" or "teacher." And I think that transfers over to this. "Reverend" simply means "one who is revered" and I can only think of one guy that's ever lived that should be revered. We only have one father, and he is creator of all. We only have one teacher and he died on a cross. And there should only be one who is revered.

Now, this presents the obvious problem that I am a pastor. I feel called to pastor and would feel less whole if I was doing anything else. The word has come to be associated with feelings of reverence, of the idea that this guy has some answers and that he/she has it more together than everyone else. However, I don't think that those ideas are inherent in the word.

I think it is simply a vocation and a calling to help the people of God stay on track. It is from the word for "shepherd" and though we ultimately only have one "good" shepherd, pastors are called to be earthly shepherds while he is not here physically. Difficult calling. Difficult to be the one without dragging the others into it.

Can we really fill the shoes of the One who is good temporarily? Can we do so without transferring some of his glory (intentionally or not) onto ourselves? Can we be pastors without be "reverends"? I think we have to try. I think we have to constantly remind our people both of our call and our low station. We have to serve in practice, we have to make ourselves less. We have to tell stories that do NOT glorify us. We have to seek humility above all. And none of that is easy.

Performance Pressure

2010-08-20T23:21:00.002-06:00

What happens if I bring a really crappy sermon tomorrow night? Will people understand that I just had a hard time prepping this week? Did I have a hard time, or was I lazy?

I should have included that movie I saw. There was a much better quote in a magazine. That was most likely not very good exegesis.

Those are thoughts that run through my head weekly. I struggle because on one hand, it is pretty important to the life of our church if I do a good job. But on the other hand, God is the only one that is really all that important. But I am also important.

It is always such a struggle. I am upset with myself for not having a perfect sermon, or for forgetting an announcement, or for not prepping as much as I should.

I don't really know if I'm going anywhere with this, but I guess if I am this is what I'm thinking: I have to do my best, but I also have to recognize that my best without God's intervention will always fall short. My worst with God's intervention will still work, but I think God much less likely to intervene if I am not putting forth the effort. And honestly, it might be awhile before I can spend the kind of time I would like on sermons and bible studies and whatnot.

The land between

2010-08-12T20:08:00.002-06:00

I have been hearing a lot lately about a place between places. First at a leadership conference, then at a service in which my friend was playing percussion. Both sermons were about the difficulty of leaving a place that you knew wasn't the best, and journeying to a place that should be.

I think most of us have experienced that kind of pain. I knew I was supposed to be planting a church outside of the bible belt, but had to finish my seminary degree. I knew I wanted to marry Robin, but I had to wait for a proper wedding to be planned. When I was in high school I knew I wanted to be in college, but had to wait until after I graduated. And the list could go on. I have spent my entire life simply looking forward to the next event or thing that would make my life full.

And I think that approach is completely wrong. I think we are called to reject the very idea of a "land between." I know the best times of my life have been when I simply accepted those things which I could not affect and did my best to learn from them and live where I was.

That is what I think God is calling us to do. Forget about the destination, because until we die we won't make it there. Every time in our lives could be labeled "transition" and we think of every place we live a simple precursor to the great place in front of us.

But some things just aren't ready yet. The Israelites took 40 years to make an 11 day journey because they had much to learn in those 40 years. When we pretend that we are just biding our time until we are at a better place we completely discount the lessons and the growth that God has for us in those places. We are where we are, and sometimes we can't move ourselves. So we should learn to soak it in, be content and reject the idea that there is a perfect destination.

Community is annoying

2010-08-02T21:33:00.000-06:00

One of the main goals of our church is to be community. But the hard part about community is that at a certain point, every person in the world gets a bit annoying. Whether it is a way they ask questions, a way they drive, how they talk to you, what they wear, I dunno. At a certain point, the newness wears off, the friendship is comfortable, and something that that person does starts to get on your nerves a bit.

And I think that is one of the primary places that community happens. It is in recognizing that the person you are hanging out with is imperfect in many ways, that they are not always funny or cool or fun, and that they are just flat out pissing you off. To me, that is where and when community happens.

It happens in that decision to not be the jerk you are hiding deep inside, it happens in recognizing that you yourself are an arrogant know-it-all, and it happens in the place where you see them as a deeply flawed, annoying as hell, son or daughter of the living God. It is where you see in them a mirror that shines on you. And you are able to let go of the illusion that you are perfect and deserve a perfect community.

I am tempted next week at church to say something on the lines of "Welcome to Refuge Community Church, we are a deeply flawed, dysfunctional, strange family, and we would love to include you in what God is up to here." But everyone would probably be annoyed with me for that.

Bigger, Stronger, Faster

2010-07-27T21:25:00.001-06:00

The documentary by that title is pretty fascinating. Basically, this buff guy follows around these other buff guys and tries to figure out why everyone hates Barry Bonds.

Well, that's not exactly it, but it is about steroids. And it is about everyone's reaction to steroids. And it's about the myths of steroids. Basically, the guy making the documentary comes to the conclusion that 'roids are a great way to get much bigger, strong and faster without too much risk, as long as they are done correctly.

And I think in our churches we have subscribed to the same notion. We have started to believe it possible to build our churches bigger, stronger and faster. We are shocked if our numbers stay in double digits much more than a month or two. We expect giving to increase annually and if it doesn't something is wrong. We want larger buildings, better fleets, faster sermons and bigger communities.

Basically, we want it all supersized.

And that really pisses me off.

Churches should be built person by person, brick by brick. If you told someone building a house that they should be able to get more than one brick going at a time, they would think you probably hadn't built a house. And if you told Jesus that 12 disciples were good, but 200 are better, he probably wouldn't care much. He would know what the bricklayer knows. And that is that quality takes time. Quality takes care and it takes patience.

And if we want to build a better kind of church, if we are looking to build a better kind of community, then it should take time. Lives don't change overnight, at least not on average. Lives change step by step, hour by hour. They change one relationship at a time. And people come to right relationship with Jesus over time, one step at a time, one tough decision at a time.

So while the temptation is to fill the doors in any way possible, I think we have to eschew that for the slow, difficult process of helping each person that comes our way. We have to help them so that hopefully soon, they can start helping someone too. And then, we have two helping hands instead of one. Then people are able to multiply, and then we have a strong foundation of a church slowly built. And I believe the original 12 would say we were on to something. But we can't take too much credit, Jesus was onto it first.

Why I am (usually) overwhelmed by God's goodness

2010-07-26T18:10:00.000-06:00

Now, I have to throw in the (usually) in the title because, unfortunately I am sometimes so focused on my own personal wants or whatever that I forget the overwhelming goodness of God. But often at or before or after church I can't help but remember.

In an ideal world, I would only be employed by our church, I would be able to devote all my time to dreaming and thinking and studying and working on all those things. But this world is not that world. I don't have all kinds of time to devote to those things, notice my conspicuous absence from the blog scene all too frequently.

But even though I am not usually confident heading into church, somehow God regularly uses the words that I speak. It would be nice if it was due to some latent talent or incredible wit on my part, but truly neither of those things could change anyone. If I was the most talented speaker in the world, and if I had days and weeks to dream up clever and insightful things to say, at the end of it all only God can help people in the ways that they need. At the end, only God can effectively speak into people's hearts and minds.

None of that is to say that I am completely left out of the process. Not at all. The goodness of God is that he lets me help. He lets me be a coworker, albeit a vastly inferior one. I firmly believe that God, at his heart, is trinity. Because of that, God values community above all because he was community before everything else. He has invited us to take part in that community and that includes community work. In the community work, we labor to speak truth, to call to repentance, to laugh, cry and love well.

Sometimes I wish we would grow numerically more quickly, that God would bless us with hundreds, thousands overnight. But then I remember that my standards are not his, and my idea of success is a Porsche or a book deal. But God's kingdom is invisible, and his standard of success is simply: Did you love well?

Did you? Did we?

Family

2010-07-17T22:09:00.000-06:00

The other night at church we talked about family. Specifically, the new family of God. I think that our blood family, our flesh and blood, are usually meant to be temporary measures (other than marriage). I think parents are only called to be parents for enough time to get their kids out into the world. Then, those kids are responsible to God.

Now, this topic is both easy and difficult for me for the same reasons. It is easy because my dad gave up on parenting pretty early. I honestly didn't have much of a relationship with him. My mom kind of gave up the ghost on parenting because she could only focus on making enough to get us by. My sisters are both great people, and my grandma may be the kindest person I have ever known, but ultimately none of them could fulfill the role that I would need. And I think that is true for all of us. It was probably easier for me to grasp because of the unavoidable observation that my family fell pretty short, specifically my dad and mom.

But because of that, I filled the void with friends, and with Christian community. While I am still very poor at community, I have been blessed to recognize the ultimate importance of it. God himself is community, God exists in three persons in one, God created us for community, so it is in our very DNA. And though our DNA family may seem like an end, it is, in my opinion, there to serve a temporary role of teaching us that we belong with others. Idiotic shows like the Bachelorette exist because at their deepest, most vulnerable, people long to be in community. So much that they will attempt to marry people they met a few months ago.

And while it is easy for me to point out idiocy there, it exists in sports teams, nerd conventions (like comic-con) and watching dumb movies. I don't think we should give up all those things, but I do think we should recognize the underlying need that they are manifesting. We all want to be part of the team, we all want someone to love us, we all want someone to share our interests, because we are, in some strange way, an extension of the eternal trinity.

Toy Story

2010-06-30T11:22:00.000-06:00

So Robin and I went to watch Toy Story 3 the other night. It was, as Pixar usually is, excellent. Not too many laughs, but quite a few "frog in your throat" moments. I don't know if any Pixar will ever live up to Up in my mind, but I can still enjoy them quite a bit.

The statements that the movie made about community and togetherness were by far the strongest part, to me. There is a part when it looks like they are all about to be incinerated. As they are slowly moving toward this huge ball of fire, one by one they begin to reach out to eachother. One by one they join hands and turn to face their inevitable death. The poignancy of the moment is clearly that, though they will soon die, they will at least face it bravely with those that they love and hold dear.

From that point of the movie on, it seems clear that the characters have learned an important lesson. It doesn't matter what happens in life, what matters is who they are surrounded by. It matters more whose hand you are holding than where you are holding it. For life to be good, the community must exist. It is always my hope that I won't care so much where I am in life, or what I am doing or how much money sits in my bank account, but that I enjoy those around me, and that I choose to hold onto them rather than anything else. See, the toys didn't start to regret what kind of car they drove, or what kind of vacation they took or house they lived in. All they cared about was embracing community for that last five minutes.

Sometimes I think life would be more fully lived if it was always in the direct threat of death. But the problem is that it might be a little less genuine then. The real question comes into our lives when they are good. Will we choose to hold those people close, or will we choose to build up our 401k for a rainy day? On that rainy day, will we really care as much how much we have, or who we have it with?

Cuss words

2010-06-29T12:16:00.000-06:00

I can't think of too many taboos in our society more commonly and voraciously held than that of the cuss word. I get a small pleasure from breaking that taboo from time to time, by either surprising Robin with a curse or uttering them under my breath at Grant in church. It is a childish pleasure, but nonetheless it is one I enjoy. And as I do it I feel the gratification of bucking the system and rejecting the absolute that I treasured as a child.

But there are times and places where I still would rather say anything than a cussword. In front of my boss, or in the middle of a sermon for instance.

So the struggle for me is that I do not think words themselves are good or bad, clean or unclean. I think 'shit' in english could very well mean 'you are beautiful' in some undiscovered dialect deep in the heart of China. Sometimes 'damn' and 'hell' are the only words that truly express whatever state or place you want to describe.

As I read over Romans 14, I see that Paul is talking mostly about eating and drinking (two things that lead to an excessive amount of judgement and stumbling in our society too...). But I can just as easily see him speaking it about cuss words. I see that I need to sometimes keep my mouth shut, and lots of times keep my cusswords unspoken, for the sake of "peace and mutual edification." (Rom 14.19) I see that sometimes my license with my mouth can lead to destruction, and it is wrong for me to cause others to stumble. If I am truly strong, I need to bear with the weak, because ultimately I am really weak, and need those that are strong to bear with me.

Critique and Courage

2010-06-28T11:44:00.000-06:00

I have some lost time I need to make up for, so my goal is to try to blog each of the last few days of June. We'll see.

I watched part of an interview the other day on one of those news shows. They were interviewing some fo the Christian leaders of the younger generations. One of them was Gabe Lyons (I believe) and he said something that I have been kind of dwelling on for the past few days.

He said that part of the current movement is that they don't see it as a critique of the old guard. They just want to be thought of as a new movement in Christianity and that it is for others to decide if it is a critique.

I honestly have a few issues with that. Clearly Lyons didn't want to come across as a jerk or overly critical, but I think for us to actually make progress we need to admit that much of what we do is a reaction to previous screw ups. I think we should be a critique to those that have gone before us, just as they should critique us in some ways! If we don't then we are all just affirming how awesome we are all the time and probably won't make too much progress.

Our goal is to be a better kind of church. We must recognize that old models (and maybe having a model at all) are wrong or at least seriously flawed and that we can do better. We have to do this, not out of spite or frustration, but out of a deep desire/need to give Jesus the kind of body he wants us to be. Jesus wasn't afraid to make people feel like crap sometimes because that is one way to spur change. We should emulate that. Of course there is a good way to do that, we can be gracious in our rebukes, but the rebukes must come nonetheless.

It takes courage to offend, especially if we care what the others think or if we care about them in general. But "trusted are the scars from a friend" or something on those lines. We have to shout to the church the ways we have gone wrong, or we are just giving it up for dead. And it is certainly close to life-support now...

Worry

2010-06-27T22:02:00.000-06:00

I don't really sit up at night fretting about paying bills or wondering why BP can't get their crap together. I haven't felt "stressed" in some time, to be honest. But there are tons of things that worry me. Things I wish for that may not materialize, things I want to see happen at church that are slow to materialize, things that, in all honesty, I can't control and would probably screw up if I could.

I wish we could have a child, but sometimes it seems like God doesn't hear our cry. I wish we could pay off debt, but every time it seems like we are about to make progress we have to do something like get tires or something like that. But when I am completely honest, I only worry when I focus on things that are seen versus the things that are unseen.

It is always honest when I look at Robin that she isn't pregnant, but what I can't see is the way that God is moving in our hearts and forcing us to wait on him. It is easy to look at my situation and know that I am basically working two jobs, but the unseen is that God is showing me that he will grow our church on his schedule (and some of that is contingent on others, but I have to see that not much of it is based on what I do). If our church does ever grow to a decent size and I can pastor full-time, I won't be able to pretend that I was the key element and hopefully I will be able to resist the easy pride. It's very easy to focus on the tangible fact that we rent our home and have decent sized student loan payments, but the unseen is that we are working for a kingdom that doesn't even possess currency because everything is given.

I have lots of hopes and wishes and dreams, but when I evaluate them closely, a good deal of the time they are fairly short-sighted and shallow. Those that aren't I just have to hope that God knows more than I do (and if he doesn't I'm screwed anyway).

Fitting in

2010-06-24T18:40:00.000-06:00

We were talking about a book titled "Under the Overpass" and while it isn't the best writing I have ever read, the author brings up many difficult questions that Christians and churches must answer. One of the students in our ministry asked how we could help the homeless feel comfortable in our churches.

I'm not sure there is an easy answer, but I think whatever answer we have has to be sufficient for helping others feel comfortable as well.

I think we have to fundamentally rethink how we do and how we think of church. Currently, we think of church as being what we do on Sundays (or in the case of Refuge Saturdays) and we think that what we do between Sundays isn't so much church. However, the truth of the situation, in my opinion, couldn't be more different.

Church should be happening at home groups and coffee shops. Church should be breaking out in different parts of our cities and towns every day of the week. Sunday should be a celebration, a corporate gathering to rejoice in what has happened in the rest of the week, but it shouldn't be our primary outreach.

I think this is the answer to the question. It is difficult to be comfortable at a gathering if you know one or two people. But what if you have already met and gotten to know an entire group of people? What if you are homeless but you already have ten friends from home group? The same question applies to the homosexual population, single mothers, other races, basically anyone who has ever been ostracized.

This would make church growth harder. It would mean we can't rely on light shows and super-sermons to draw people in. It means we need to get to know people for who they are and not the number the represent. But I think it is doable. I think if we can start to do this somehow, then we will be rewarded with churches full of variety and life. We will see people with depth to their relationships and people come face-to-face with the call of God in their lives. My hope is that we can start this at Refuge, but it will take strength and perseverance.

Lost

2010-05-26T21:08:00.000-06:00

I guess I am obligated to write my thoughts about the ending of Lost. It has been a cultural phenomenon for the past 6 years, and I have been addicted to it for about 5. I remember Robin and I started watching it on my laptop on the way to Oklahoma City, then we got our friends the Kinsers to watch a few episodes and they were hooked as well.

So like any massively popular finale, there were lovers and haters. I know a lot of people who did not like the last "Harry Potter" book, and those who hated the last "Dark Tower" book and pretty much anything that has been popular has had a somewhat controversial ending.

Now, obviously not all endings are created equal. I am typically a pretty loyal person to my entertainers. If they sell me early, I will generally like what they do late. But I do find it strange that people get so upset about endings. If it is too happy, they claim that it wasn't realistic. If it was overly realistic, they say it left a bad taste in their mouth. If it was depressing, they say nothing ends that poorly. As far as ending things, it seems you just can't win. Why is that? Why are people so negative about endings?

I think really good entertainment sucks people in. They think that they are part of the world that the authors, or directors, or creators, or whatever is their own world. It is really a tribute to the quality of the creativity of the artists. Then people start to think that the artist owes it to them to end it the way they like it.

To me, the main problem is that people can't just take things as they are. They can't appreciate things for what they are, they have to take them apart, explain why it wasn't perfect, and remember that one thing that was perfect, but in reality it wasn't. And so the beat goes on. Whatever is the band's newest album is never going to measure up, the guy's newest movie isn't up to part, his last painting wasn't as good as his early work. This is funny because I am perfectly capable of accepting people's art and things, but when it comes to theology I have to question everything... so I'm guilty too.

31

2010-05-19T21:15:00.001-06:00

This friend of mine with a scar on his face and white hair on his head looked me in the eyes and I could see his welling up with tears. Beneath his rough, callous exterior (and I'm referring to personality) there were/are some deep hurts that he is just now coming to terms with. And as he was talking to me today, he told me that it had been 31 years since he took communion/lord's supper/eucharist at a church. And he took it at my church. I honestly don't think it has much to do with me or anything spectacular our church has done, but something spectacular that God has done in this man.

The deep symbolism of communion effects us all, whether we always notice or admit it or not. At our church my friend was reminded that his sustenance comes from the body and blood of Jesus, beaten and spilled on that Roman cross so long ago. And as he was telling me that, I was incredibly humbled by all of it.

There are tons of times when I wonder if I'm the right person for the job, or if I'm in the right job for my person, but times like today I know for a fact that God is the right God for redemption. And whether I'm the only person capable of doing whatever task, I don't know, but I do know that I can't help but want to be involved in those incredible times. I choose to be involved, and I trust that God will help me to do it well.

Tired head

2010-05-18T18:49:00.000-06:00

I haven't blogged much lately because I have had a lot of tired-head. That means that I have gotten quite a bit of mental fatigue lately for several reasons. I started a new job at work on Monday, which I am really excited about, but in the typical new job fashion I have just had an overload of information dumped on me the past couple days. In addition, church has been going ninety miles an hour lately. We have a lot of little things that I meant to get done while we were doing home church, and though we didn't do it then, we can do it now and have to do it now. After all that, I'm designing a webpage for our church. It isn't that hard, but it isn't that easy either. It is learning a lot of things at once, so because of all that, my blogging has been struggling. I need to remember sometimes that it is ok just to update, and if I really want to write some day then I need to write today. So I need to be disciplined in that.