Jokes

Love a duck?

2011-09-13T07:30:00.000-07:00

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't
any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is ......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was
great, but all the duck would say was.....

NO, The duck didn't say THAT !

.... Don't be SO disgusting!

The duck said....

'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!

The Police

2011-01-23T08:36:00.000-08:00

As a student I undertook a task to find if there was any coralation between jobs and which street name people chose to live at!

The only two with any similarity were British Police officers and Japanese men!

The Police Officers that replied invarably lived in Letsby Avenue and other and suprisingly there were many......lived in a house called Movealong Now, also on Letsby Avenue!

The other group and not a profession were Japanese people. According to taxi drivers, the Japanese chaps all jump in the back and say Harrow taxi driver! However some do appear a little bemused when they are dropped of in a town in Middlesex!

Sad I know, but made me smile!

Lottery

2011-01-23T08:26:00.000-08:00

My wife informed me if I won the lottery she would take half and f*** off!

OK, I replied I won £10 on Saturday! here's £5, now f*** off!

********

My wife asked me the other day if I'd still love her if I won the lottery?

I said, of course I would............but I'd miss you!

Mens Rules

2010-12-05T15:07:00.000-08:00

Men always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1 Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1 Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1 Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1 Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

1 Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1 Crying is blackmail.

1 Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t do it!

1 We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1 Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1 Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1 A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1 Check your oil! Please.

1 Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1 If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.

1 If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1 Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.

1 You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1 Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1 The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it and quit whining to your girlfriends.

1 ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1 If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1 We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1 If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1 If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1 When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1 Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, investments or cars.

1 You have enough clothes.

1 You have too many shoes.

1 Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.)

1 It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

1 BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1 I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

Women's rules for men

2010-12-04T16:39:00.000-08:00

Women's rules for men

TOP 30 THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT US!!!

1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.

2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.

3. Don't say you understand when you don't.

4. Girls are petty, get over it.

5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.

6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.

8. Zit's happen to everyone. Yes, Mr. Perfect, even to you.

9. We don't like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr Big.

10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.

11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a pig.

12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.

13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.

14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.

15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it.

16. We are drama queens.

17. Fashion police do exist.

18. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.

19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, or anything else you and your friends talk about, like: how much you know about the video games, porn, computers, Star Wars, etc.

20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.

21. We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.

22. Don't make bets about us, we always find out.

23. Shave - no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.

24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it's not.

25. Don't compare our breasts with Brittany Spear's, hers are fake.

26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.

27. We are beautiful, but make-up helps. (All girls love makeup, do not call us prissy or tell us we worry to much about the way we look for wearing it.)

28. We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren't.

29. It doesn't make you look cool to make fun of someone else.

30. If you ever beat us in a sport or game, it's always because you cheated, even if you didn't.

A few to warm you on a cold day!

2010-12-02T02:04:00.000-08:00

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes."

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

~~~~~

My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Todays Joke

2010-11-25T05:33:00.001-08:00

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."

Being a man

2010-09-08T01:53:00.000-07:00

Why its better to be a man

1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - £5000; Suit rental - £100.
13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is £10 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We don't have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

What would you do?

2010-09-02T14:44:00.000-07:00

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He's riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.

It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.

They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man!

Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man's head. Just then, his wife yells "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!..."
HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.
HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.
HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks "What should I do?"

The taxi driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

New Brian

2009-11-10T02:34:00.000-08:00

The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy.

"Fortunately" he continued, "this hospital has perfected the procedure,
however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will
therefore have to pay.

We have two brains in stock at the moment, a male brain costing £30,000 and a female brain at £100,000"

"Why is the female brain so expensive?" asked the patient.

"Oh, that's easy, female brains are hardly used."

Joke, girlfriend trouble

2009-11-06T02:49:00.000-08:00

A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed."

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".

Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

Joke

2009-11-05T02:11:00.000-08:00

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

TOP TEN LINES FROM INTERNET CHAT ROOMS

2009-11-04T02:36:00.000-08:00

1 You're different... I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before.

2 I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile... but tell me more about yourself.

3 I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited.

4 I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!

5 I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out.

6 Yes of course I'm female...

7 I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend.

8 No this is my only screen name... You mean you can have more then one?

9 I'm not like most of the guy's/gal's here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the hotel coffee shop)

10 I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: I'm horny and could care less, just type)

Blacksmith job

2009-11-03T01:15:00.000-08:00

Paddy applies for a job as a blacksmith.

In the interview he is asked has he any experience of Blacksmith work, Paddy says no! Well the employer says have you any experience of shoeing horses? Paddy thinks about this, well no but I've told a few Donkeys to sod off!

Married?

2009-11-02T06:12:00.000-08:00

One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.

The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.

A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”

With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out “Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?

Why Do Men Like Dirty Adult Jokes?

2009-11-02T03:39:00.000-08:00

It's true. Some men don't like adult dirty jokes, but I think you'll find that most men love them. Even guys who appear very conservative at first look, will often surprise you with a joke that they spring on you.

Why do men like adult dirty jokes? Simple. Most men like to laugh. At an early age, most men are exposed to bathroom humor and other juvenile humor. Their fathers sometimes tell them, or they may hear them from their friends. For whatever reason, it never seems to wear off. They go through their whole lives appreciating bathroom humor, juvenile humor, and other humor.

It's also kind of like being part of a secret club. It's kind of a bonding thing. When guys share adult dirty jokes, they are opening up to each other, sharing a laugh, and experiencing a brief connection. Women wouldn't appreciate such an exercise in bonding - it's a guy thing.

Jokes are also often shared during times when men are together for manly activities such as at the bar, hunting, working on cars, golfing, etc. Humor is always part of these experiences and adult dirty jokes often play a role.

Explaining why men like adult dirty jokes is analogous to explaining why a man climbs a mountain or why a man scratches himself. There is no easy answer. It's just part of being a man. In short, it's a guy thing. They are not for every man, but they simply a part of life for others.

Visit us at http://www.realmanmag.com for more.
Franklin Pierce is Publisher of Real Man Magazine men's magazine. The world's most popular men's magazine for the man's man. Subscribe for FREE and receive the book "How To Attract More Women" for FREE. No catches, no strings, no bull. Simply sign up and you'll get a new issue twice a month. WARNING! Contains politically incorrect material. Not for girlie men or the easily offended. May cause hair growth, increased testosterone, and spontaneous attacks by aroused women. Read at your own risk! http://www.realmanmag.com

©2009 Real Man Magazine

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THAT’S BEER LOGIC

2009-10-28T03:58:00.000-07:00

Beer!!!!

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there pal?"

"It’s a mongoose."

"What have you got that for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

Job Interview

2009-10-27T06:41:00.000-07:00

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second"

So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"

The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"

Jokes?

2009-10-22T14:56:00.000-07:00

Party Jokes: Startling But Unnecessary Article Author:
William Doyle

Here, I focus on a range of items and features that we use in life without giving them a second thought such as Coca Cola, body muscles and holding ones own breath. Though, most of these notes are not fundamentally necessary, they are such that you can use them for a good laugh, at a drinks party or for picking up women or men.

1) Coca-Cola: Did you know that its original colour was green?

2) Mohammed: Did you know that this is the most used name in the entire world?

3) Geographical Letters: Did you know that the name of each of the continents begins and concludes with the exact same alphabet? Do not believe that? Look up Asia, Europe, Africa, America, Antarctica and the rest.

4) Muscle Strength: Did you know that the strongest muscle in the entire body is that one which we use to lick a popsicle? Your tongue.

5) Credit Cards: In the United States, were you aware that each and every person has at least two credit cards?

6) An Antique Machine: The word for an old machine that was once used for writing letters and other documents is the largest word that one can make if they click only on a single row of their computer's keyboard: typewriter!

7) Blink: Men wink at women, but research has found out that the average woman blinks nearly two times more than the average man.

8) Suicide: Even though you might have wondered if it was possible, studies have discovered that it is impossible to kill oneself by simply holding in your breath.

9) Licking: However much you may try, you will never be able to lick your elbows.

10) Sneeze: Try sneezing. People will automatically answer you with a bless you greeting. Have you ever imagined why? Some say that this happens because a sneeze stops the functioning of the heart for a very tiny second.

11) The Blue Sky: Did you know that a pig, no matter how much they try, cannot look up into the sky?

12) Twisting Your Tongue: We have all dabbled with different tongue-twisters in our day. But do you know which is the toughest? Sixth sick sheiks sixth sheeps sick.

13) Ribs: Did you know that you should try not to sneeze too strongly. Why? A very powerful sneeze has the ability to cause a fracture in your ribcage. But, then again, if you try and withhold one, you stand the chance of breaking one of the many blood vessels in your neck or head. This could cause death.

14) Cards: Did you think that the Kings are all just random cards referring to random figures? No. Each one signifies a different king: Diamonds for Julius Caesar, Clubs for Alexander the Great, Spades for David and Hearts for Charlemagne.

15) And finally: Most everyone reading this (Caught You!) are trying to lick their elbows at this exact moment!

Conclusion: Most of these are not scientific facts, but they are hilarious, funny and can be used to lighten up the ambience when a conversation has gone dull. Use any and see your popularity rise up to great heights. Visit http://www.gambling-portal.com for more jokes.