Life On Meth - by an almost 15 year meth addict

boy/friend/ex/hookup/single

2015-11-14T16:13:00.004+10:30

So I've been absent for a long while now. Been doing the on off boyfriend, jailed boyfriend/ex boyfriend, casual adult fun which out of circumstance has become a semi permanent UN talked about over a month daily thing. But it doesn't end there. Mentioned jailed boyfriend/ex gets paroled in next couple weeks and being the doormat I used to put up with it is expected for me to provide a parole address to ensure he becomes a parolee. Well looks like the cards are in my possession and I get to deal them as I choose.
Not letting myself be a doormat is priority 1. That ended a year and a half ago when he went to jail and as the last year and half has been at my pleasure to go on visits and answer jail calls I think the message should be clear that ball is in my court. I'm stronger, content with myself and my mistakes and perfectly happy answering to no one ever again. Consulting maybe but never again being walked over and trodden on.
More to write.
So much more to write.....
Lilly xo

teeth troubles

2013-10-21T20:13:00.001+10:30

its definitely all to do with the meth smoking. i had to pay 200 dollars on friday to get a molar removed. it had been paining me for about a year. id been swishing cold water and wine to the left of my mouth to avoid the pain.
and now finally i can drink cold water again. the tooth was fine by the way. apparently my bone has worn away to the point of infection coming up underneath it. so im now minus another tooth so it looks like plate or dentures eventually is now the only option.
codeine and anti biotics later and it feels great now.

no other things to update. the days weeks and months fly by and im just cruising with them.
xo lilly

im bored.

2013-09-22T05:26:00.002+09:30

520 am. long night. nice gear around lately. im bored. need tto find a new hobby. settling into new home well, lots of dero's in the area but i keeping to myself. avoiding inviting new drama into my life. even though i do enjoy a bit of drama. it keeps me amused and entertained. dumb people in my scene, day by day it all blends into one big confusing irritating comedy show. i need a life.....wish i trusted myself to just let go of the current and be open to the unknown. it could be great or it could be another dissapointment. either way at least its something to do! lol
xoxo lilly

apologies

2013-09-15T00:13:00.001+09:30

apologies all for another absence from my blog. ive been living on the edge of not knowing of my housing status for the last 2 months but i can finally relax for at least the next 6. finally got myself into the public housing system after first applying in 1998 when i was 16 years old. thats a 15 year wait and in that time ive been.......................
a runaway
an independent living teen
a domestic violence victim and pregnant
a survivor of domestic violence having ended the relationship
and...................
repeat above cycle over and over.

update on my love life.
latest partner turned out to be a clone of the exact description he gave me of what i should not look for in a bloke.
typical story...... his good bloke, free loading, false pretence, lying cunt routine ran thin and then ran out.
and i went off, mental, off my head, berserk, nutter at his lying ass. it was a YOUTUBE moment and i wish i had it on tape. the stunned look on his face was priceless!!!!

ok well to end. new place is great, kids love their rooms, and im nearly ready to tackle my clothes sorting. so many clothes and shoes that i never and will never use other than when i plan outfits but change at last minute to the familiar.
im off.
blogs to read, comments to post.
xoxo lilly

suffocating in my own home

2013-07-26T23:36:00.000+09:30

im so crowded...suffocating in my own home. every bloke i meet ends up worming his way in and slowly without my knowledge or maybe due to my ignorance i find a whole wardrobe of belongings, not sure when or how they appeared. plus im still paying all the rent, bills, doing extra cleaning, washing, dishes, cooking, and the thing i hate most is opening my newly stocked pantry to find what appears to be food but is actually empty boxes which once contained food.
my pet peeves...
waking to find no milk
going and getting milk only to realise im out of sugar or coffee too
open bread bags resulting in stale bread
empty butter containers
cm thick slices of tomato on sandwiches when they should be half orr less that thickness
no toilet paper ... 1 number 2 seems to equal 1 roll of toilet paper... please explain?????
not replacing fuel in car
taking my cigarette lighter so i end up using matches or the stove top to unsuccessfully try to smoke glassys
sand and mud falling off the work clothes on my white tiles then he has a shower and it turns to mud all over my floors then putting the same muddy clothes in my washer turning it into a wet soapy cement mixer stlye washer. just a few. think i could double this list and thats only a months worth of negatives and issues.
save me, help me, pinch me to wake up and learn from my past similar experiences.
one more thing. guess who has returned onto my radar...
ITS THE RETURN OF SAM.
you all remember sam, 10 months in jail this time and i give him 6 weeks till he breaks parole and returns. im wiser, ahead of the cons and 1 step ahead of the lies which i know are to come.
will update all on my new bitches and whinges.

xoxo lilly

sex and death returns

2013-07-09T20:27:00.002+09:30

hey so remember 'sex and death' ex-partner from last year. well 4 days ago he made contact with me. it was a surreal moment. i hadnt heard from him in a year now. not since the oxy ran out and i didnt hear from him again. what do i do. im in a stable relationship now and then he shows up in my life again.

life continued...

2013-07-03T12:21:00.001+09:30

another one of these days offtap which blend into a week or two passing without realising it. the stuff around has been good, not great but good enough to do the job each day and still allow u to switch off and get a few hours sleep at night. its funny how you train yourself to function on some kind of normal level. but in reality being on is more normal to me caus over half my 31 years have been me being offtap, rattled, scattered, gearing, revving, tweaking...which ever word you want to use for it.
my circle of freinds is so small but my circle of associates is huge. its funny how every person on facebook is friends in common with every user youve met or have heard off in the city i live. i hate the people you may know suggestions. its basically a list of all the people you dont want to ever know, do know but want to forget or the ones with the bad reputations that you block before they even see their list saying you now people they know.
scary how the six degrees of separation seems to be even lower than 6 in adelaide.
that all for now. im trying to post more but still keep within my blog theme.
xo lilly

2.58am

2013-06-25T20:08:00.000+09:30

2.58am. just said goodbye to my bloke as he set off to the country to work again for a week or so. ive seen him for a week and a half and now i get my me and my kids time. ive managed to get everything i really wanted in a relationship. he lives with me but is guaranteed to be away at least 2 thirds of the month usually so i get my alone days which i crave to process the bullshit in my head but i also have someone to share my days with.
someone who really listens to me, doesnt question my use, loves my kids, puts us first, never raises his voice...<not that ive witnessed> and treats me like a queen.
ok well ive just lit a joint so i can go sleep. im gonna save the gear i got left to have tomorrow instead of staying up asll night and being scattered tomorrow.
smart, un-junky like moment im having.
hopefully the green gets me wasted and ill be zzzzzzzzzing away shortly.

xoxo lilly

chasing people

2013-06-19T02:46:00.000+09:30

another day chasing people for money they borrow and wasting time, petrol and phone credit in the process. always the same story but when you feel happy and are ion a good mood with dollars in your pocket, you dont expect to be counting the notes you need to turn it all back over again. the wait is lost money, lost sales, less credits being paid and turned over, most peoples cred seems to be always in the red and then in the black for all of 20 seconds as they pay in then go in the red again.
the hours are slowly slipping away again this morning. i got up at 530am to get bloke off to work, at 630 i started working with my daughter on her mary queen of scots project. she has to make a mobile with a coathanger, string and create the objects hanging from it. lucky for her my usually off sense of humour fits well into making and creating the perfect moments of marys life. her photo of course, a scottish terrier, a flag and map of england, a scottish crest, a throne made out of a toilet paper roll and lots of glitter and diamontes, and last of all the slightly questionable moment of her life...... a barbie doll minus its body to depict her ultimate end. though in the case of our head its a clean, bloodless, neatly removed head. not at all the case of the real execution of mary.
i guess if they approve of her reading the grisly details of marys life then its only obvious depicting her end wont be an issue.
11.16 am and im still looking out the door waiting. not a happy user this morning. lol.
xoxo lilly

no moral junks

2013-06-14T14:48:00.000+09:30

The thing I haven’t missed about the scene is the two faced no moral junks that have no sense of right and wrong. Their closest friend is the one with the gear or getting the gear and each day revolves around scheming for the next hit or opportunity to do a switch with a water wack or even straight out pick pocketing ur speed bag or tub of neat. To add to an already fucked up situation is the hours after it goes missing that they help u look for it. They show such impressive concern and help search high and low in all the places it isn’t and never was. using this chance to mentally note where other belongings they have their eye on for the next slight of hand thievery.
Anything gold in color, with a dosage label or of cosmetic appearance is up for grabs. Not even your tweezers or razor refills are safe from scanning, calculating eyes.
The mental tally ticking over in their mind as to how much they can scam out of u this time....
Sorry to say but in 50 steps ahead this time
Xo Lilly

gledwood. xo

2013-06-12T12:27:00.001+09:30

Gledwood said...

is it true crystal meth is really hard on the body... ie that it literally burns your veins etc?

i know when people smoke it really heavily it plays havoc with their teeth ~~ you get that "meth mouth" phenomenon
i think the cutter is worse for ur veins than the neat meth. but if u dont drink heaps of water and smoke it, it fucks ur teeth and gums bad. and quick.
i was watching tv the other day and saw a documentary about crystal meth in Germany ~~ it hasn't hit this country yet although the press like to talk about isolated cases when people have used it and fucked up ~~ I only know one person who's taken it in this country

our speed is amphetamine sulphate ~ baby speed in comparison!

if I were a drug dealer I'd definitely deal in methamphetamine ~ there's a glaring hole in the UK market ~ hundreds of thousands if not millions whose lives WILL be fucked up when it hits this country, which I'm sure it will

there was a craze a couple of years ago for "mepherdrone" aka 4methylmethcathinone or "meow" ~ it was a legal high with a real kick to it, it literally felt like ecstasy + cocaine except the cocaine went on for a good three hours

a big reason why the meow stuff took off was that British coke is terrible quality and the speed, which is sold by the "gram" is only an average 5% pure. you can also get base speed which is supposed to be about x3 stronger but by the time that came out I wasn't into speed any more. I used to go clubbing on ecstasy every weekend and was a bit of a drug snob over speed ~ partly because I had some bad memories and history over it from my late teens/early 20s when I took speed in a long depression I went into and got terribly terribly fucked up a few times ~ comedown so bad I literally could not move or speak for hours ~ that's probably the most depressed I've ever been. I went to my GP who knew me well and could not do anything except tell him I was depressed and then look at the floor. He gave me a medical note for that entire university term. Which is just as well as I'd done no work at all. people told me I was "jammy" but I wasn't being jammy I was just being straight I felt so terrible I literally had nothing I could say nothing I could do... if I'd got into heroin in that period, I honestly don't think I'd ever have survived...
our meth is basically clean off the plate. sometimes a bit cut but never more than 1 to 1 and if it is u pay less. for neat its about 3 to 350 for a half gram which is 5 points. or u pay up to 100 for a single point if its killer. we dont have the street speed which is min prob 15 to 1 cut sniffing stuff, cut with all kinds of crap like glucose or epsom salts. most of our cut is now with msm now which smokes clean for the smokers. but tastes like crap if its not cleaned properly.
ps do you know where the Australian crystal meth is manufactured? I heard some of it comes from Burma... (but surely someone with the knowledge and the chemicals could knock out a batch pretty much anywhere...)
ive never heard of any from burma. i know the cops keep busting ice shipments but most of our meth is local, and i mean local as in cooked less than 10 kilometres from my house usually.
until i got busted for cooking a few years back i didnt even buy it from anyone for over 6 years.
and i only get it from the source now caus i can i guess.
i've also heard that Aussie heroin is high-grade shit ~ China white. Ours is scummy Afghan brown. I've only ever come across china white twice in my entire using career, it's that rare over here...
i dont get into heroin. we have got really good heroin replacement programs here so most people i know seem to be ex heroin addicts on either methadone, bupe or subutex i think, now they use meth and their medication for the smack. theres a lot of oxys around too that they use.
... sorry I'm babbling away gotta go take it easy, take care...

;-)

Friday, October 19, 2012 6:29:00 AM

comments from gledwood, maria and furtheron

2013-06-12T12:12:00.002+09:30

Maria Rivera said...

Hope all is good

Wednesday, May 01, 2013 4:08:00 PM

all good maria. im finally motivated to blog again.

xo lilly

Furtheron said...

Hello. So no new postings... hope you are all good and do come back soon

Friday, May 24, 2013 6:42:00 PM

Furtheron... im back mate. happy to see u care and im ready to get blogging again.

Gledwood said...

Oi come back from your break! Please!

I have not been very sociable online lately at all... Dunno why...

O yeah I do because I moved house! That's my excuse and I'm sticking by it!!!

Thursday, May 30, 2013 3:15:00 AM

Gledwood... im back. lets be sociable together t hen. i need to catch up on ur blog so talk later.

plus i got a long question post u sent me awhile back to answer.
lol
xoxo
lilly

back to my blog xoxo lilly

2013-06-12T12:06:00.000+09:30

i think my break may finally be coming to an end. ive turned 31, i gave up meth a year ago in an ideal world but

in reality i fucked up about 2 months ago. my life will never be normal.... if i go straight im a junkie who has an

un forgivable past and if i dont i get to continue in a hazy dream and pretend it all doesnt exist. im fat,

unhealthy, stressed, bored, tired, unmotivated, looking for work, regretting past choices, dreading future choices,

and so on.
ive spent the last 6 months putting my book together. filling in the gaps i dont have in writing, reminiscing and

finding memories buried deep in my brain and trying to forget the worries playing on my mind.
lately ive been mediator to all my friends fights, it seems they all class me as their best friend and get very

jealous when im with one of the others. im friends with them all on totally different levels and when they

sometimes overlap on visits, i struggle to stay composed as i laugh inside at the pettyness of their problems and

bickering.
ive realised im happy with the person i am. always will be. im not perfect but i dont have regrets in life...just alot

of big bruises to cover. i dont use as much as i once did. only 1 or 2 times a week but when i do i go hard the

recover quickly.
since admitting to myself who i am its funny that im finally happy with myself. i wish i was fitter and into

exercise but i eat right, drink shit loads of water and have started walking instead of driving and using the fitness

equipment at my local oval.

The most new and ezciting news of all.... ive got a new man. he knows who i am, what i do and i stay an open

book. he knows the worst of me and our friendship came way before anything sexual happened. and the bonus

part is that he works away so i still get my me and the kids times, and the lazy on the couch tv days on the

couch. he also looks after me. sending me a couple hundred dollars every 4 or 5 days when he goes away to work

and doesnt have any expectations on what i do with it.
my kids love him and they show him respect and he shows them respect and kindness. he always makes time to

talk to them to let them feel included.

sorry ive been away so long. i needed to work on me alone and to get the courage to tell you all how i finally

fucked up.
xoxo lilly
ps. gledwood.....thanku for worrying and missing my blog posts. ur the reason im back.
im going to repost and answer the questions you asked in ur last comment. so stay tuned. xoxo lilly

Im back

2013-03-19T03:59:00.000+10:30

i needed a break so sorry to those who worried if i was ok. ill post a new entry later today. lots to say aand stories to tell. need a venting session so be prepared.

xoxo lilly

1999 post now in type

2012-10-28T16:04:00.003+10:30

14 november 1999
Another diary is opened. And another part of my life has begun. After two years of total partying i have once again come home. Already want to leave but i have everything i need i need a job. I need to try and get a job. I have to make something of my life. All i do at the moment is drink and smoke what a life!!! its ok for awhile but it has gotten pretty boring lately. I need to be a good girl for a change and to forget about the male in my life who seem to have me and use me then disappear on me. Saying they'll call and never hearing from them again. Maybe richard will be different but i honestly doubt it i dont think i will hear from him again. But i will try again. I think i fall into love too quickly and it takes longer for me to fall out of it. Jesus i still love him Justin he was really the first guy i loved. He was my first real boyfriend i really cared about him. May as well talk about my boyfriends and what they meant to me. Then i'll talk about the guy i've seen but haven't made a commitment to. Well lets see yr8 first boyfriend billy, a typical male cheated on me but i was stupid enough to go out with him again he didn't mean much to me. First a crush, what can i say i was 13 and stupid. Then 14 and more stupid it was a waste of my effort and time. then onto liam, first full on pashing and first oral sex experience. ok so i cared about Liam. Wrote enough letters to prove this one. He was my most intimate at this time in my life. But sex didnt happen I didn't really want it to, we dated for just over 2 months, then i wasn't turned on anymore so i called it quits. neil, This was the guy who made it all happen for me. We dated for about 2 months then we moved in together and he is the one i owe my whole life to. He is the one who whisked me away from my parents and off into lala land. So now i've moved out of home, next up was justin, my baby, i loved him beyond no doubt loved his cheeky smile and everything he was. The first guy i slept with maybe that made my love more than it was i mourned the loss of my justin, there were just too many problems. He changed, i changed, and then everything fell apart. Next thing we broke up and i was no longer interested in a boyfriend. A month of just seeing guys passed and onto my next boyfriend. rhys was going to be the one, but he also changed too much for me to handle. We were together for over a year, we moved in together too fast and had no mutual understanding of each other. we still talk but fight is more the word for it. Deep down i hate him so much
but old feelings still enter my mind. That just about wraps it up for boyfriends. I know they leave me and i don't want to attach myself to someone i know i'll lose so up to guys i've casually seen- Andrew 100% drunk, 1 night stand joel
cos of drinking, Andrew don't know what i was thinking, Chris total babe, pity about his attitude, Robert from Murray Bridge, just a one night stand. Michael nothing special. Cranx - the liar, yeah sure, as if i'd sucked his dick.
Woody- mistake in a hotel, but then on to Chris, Chris the other mistake - but a babe. Carl- not by choice too drunk to care. Adam M- babe, too much of a flirt. Ben M-someone i cared about but he left me. Carl- A total and complete asshold, thats qll. So my favourite is Ben. Total babe, excellent sex, so we had about 2 weeks together, totally off our heads, sex on the River Torrens. Was the best part of it all. we were good together but he had to go back to Broken Hill and i had to sort my life out.
weve talked once since he left. never know maybe one day we my see eachother again. but who really knows. life is a fucking mystery to me and everyone.
so who is my lifes passion at the moment. richard is. the aboriginal trouble maker to put it sweetly. but he is also a babe. i got a passion to set him straight. we had about 3 weeks together and now hes gone to get a job and a house then he said a phone call will be coming my way for me to see him again. dont know what i believe. im honestly a bit scared of him. i enjoyed my time with him but still dont know if i trust him. he says he has changed but who knows. people talk and i cant help but listen. i honestly dont know what to believe. we had good sex, and hopefully im not pregnant to him. he already got 2 and doesnt need another one. i really want him but at the same time i want to forget about him and wait for the right bloke in my life. if he'd straighten out id love him so much but i cant help but think about what hes done to his ex's. and i dont want that to be me. anyway its 12 midnight so i think i should get some sleep. xoxo

scars and bumps

2012-10-04T18:53:00.000+09:30

hey all,
just thought id upload a post of some of my permanent visual reminders of my meth years. at least now they starting to fade a bit but most of them will never fade completely. even the areas of my body i dont have scars from using but did use there have these dark permanent bruises or discoloration to the skin. also i goot a lot of scar tissue and lumpy bumps where misses didnt turn to holes. pretty gross hey.
lol xo lilly

posts ive updated

2012-10-02T01:53:00.001+09:30

2010 facing the reality of jail talk!!! FROM SAM TO SANE!!!
part of 2000
and most of 2007

hand writing entries now in type

2012-10-02T01:19:00.002+09:30

just a quik note to add....................
i been spending a lot of time typing out the letters i scanned into my early blog entries so they are easier to read and boy has it been a huge job. especially trying to read my illegible hand writing.
but ill keep at it till they all put into type. xoxo lilly

CHAMPIX

2012-10-02T01:06:00.002+09:30

sorry i been absent for awhile. busy, busy on my end.
big, BIG news for you all..... Ive quit smoking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and its going very easily thanks to meds i got prescribed.
CHAMPIX works but they say to smoke longer into starting the course of meds but i couldnt do it. by the 7th day i was down from a pack a day to a pack in no less than 3 days and most of them were bummed off me anyway.
knowing i had a smoke stashed in my bag kept the anxiety away but i dont need to smoke it....
hopefully i can quit for good this time. its such a filthy habit.
thats all for now. im out....xo xo lilly

situations you once used drugs to get through

2012-07-30T23:23:00.001+09:30

stress. loud voices. mayhem. party planning and executing. cakes. cleaning. interacting with your kids friends parents'.
all the above could once be easily dealt with by being a little left of centre, a little tweaked and just dosed enough to be able to concentrate and work thru it.

i just had to organise and run my daughters birthday party on friday night. its the first one ive ever had to deal with in a very straight stressed way. usually i manage to pay either a kids party organiser/mcdonalds party host/play centre host to deal with all the bullshit. from the organising to the cleaning up. including the games and playing the host to usually 10 screaming guests. this time was different. as my kiddo just turned 10, her choice of party was a pool party. held at the local aquatic centre. this year her dad wanted to organiise it so i agreed. big mistake caus his idea of organising it is to ay for it then to leave all the food, games, supervision, drinks, lolly bags and transport up to me. now 10 year olds can swim safely and the place does have life guards but when you got 10 kidss going in all directions, and having to be on top of everyones where a bouts it was real hard to process and stay on top of it all. then theres the parents who hung around just to talk about which high school you were thinking about, and why, and who and where......and just about every other question/queries u co7uld possibly think of.
glad to say the party is done, the kids all went home without drowning and ill never let her dad pretend to organise anything ever again. lol.

its been a hectic few monthss and i feel l8ike im never sitting down and relaxing for long before im on my feet stressing, organsing and planning the next playdate or party. and with my little one showing signs of major hyperactivity or something similar its getting too much for just meyself to deal with. i need to pace myself, write some task/things to do lists and just tackle my way through the things i need to get done.
sorry to bitch but i needed to vent and this is my best outlet to do so.
xoxo lilly

rambling on....and on....

2012-07-25T20:23:00.000+09:30

i finally bought myself a wireless keyboard and no longer have to use the tiny keyboard with the unfamiliar key locations on my mini laptop. its one of those acer aspire 10inch, no CD/DVD drive, not enough usb port deals. with a bit of a re-modelling from my little one who decided to pick all the keys of it and lose half of them plus lose the little rubber thing under them and the clips. i mean why cant modern keyboards be like the old style Atari ones with individual mechanical switches. and don't get me started on the touch pad mouse/pointing devices you have to use because of the lack of usb ports for a usb standard mouse we have always used and grown familiar with.
now i got no excuses about how hard it is to type my blog posts. and i wont bother making excuses about my lack of proper grammar/spelling caus to be honest i sometimes re read what Ive typed and start over thinking how it sounds so i type as it flows. best way to get the real deal on how i feel like it would be if you were reading a handwritten diary.
i finally got a new prepaid modem account and device and even though its cheaper to surf with this as i get approx 2 gigs for 29 dollars instead of 500mb as part of my monthly mobile prepaid 29 dollar cap plan, it doesn't give much data as if i still had a adsl account. I'm hopeless paying bills on time so i keep extra utilities/bills as a no go thing. I'm thinking of declaring bankruptcy but even if i do, ill still have to pay all my outstanding court fines which currently must be down to no more than 4 or 5000. i started paying fortnightly court plan payment when i was about 18 years old at a rate of 60 a fortnight until about 2 years ago when i applied for a court ordered income assessment and i now pay 20 a fortnight. that adds up to approximately 16460 paid and I'm still not paid off. i don't even know how it reached that much. here's an approximate breakdown of the things I've been charged with in the past....
1x manufacturing meth- 140
19x driving unlicensed/unregistered-4 to 800 depending on judge
9x driving uninsured/unregistered add another 400 to the above
approx 5 other small charges at about 2 - 300 depending on offence i committed.
then you gotta add court fees and levy of up to 180 for each fine ever issued.
can anyone pick the obviously flawed fine i received out of the above......i only got charged 140 for manufacturing meth. up to 25 yrs in prison possibility yet i get a fine of 140 with my sentence which was suspended. hard justice hey....lol.
i gotta go watch neighbours and home and away (favourite nightly Australian soap's) so ill write more later.
xo lilly

tick tick tick.......the scene doesnt change.

2012-07-24T23:51:00.004+09:30

not much to say at the moment. its weird how even pulling myself out of the meth scene hasnt stopped the bullshit from once being part of it. daily messages on my mobile from dealers wanting to sell me shit and the messages from people wanting to buy it. then theres the still constant accidental path crossings with cops who know me and those who harrass my friends. with manafacturing on your record its hard for their sudden excitement showing when they do a record check on e. gives me a laugh that i know i got nothing on me and no old utensils on me to incriminate myself anymore. but still the heart races and the palms go sweaty when meeting face to face with them. maybe its knowing how much i did get away with compared to the 2 times i got caught cooking that makes me nervous. i still know im a liar and i know they know it too.
i finally put my order into blog2print to get a printed book of my blog. im glad ill have a softcover book/like a diary in case i ever abandon blogging. not that i want to i just fear im becomming a bore to you all. lol.
but thankfully i still get new followers and comments from people loving my blog and telling me they are going to read all my old posts. its makes me wonder how do i really come accross to people?
i mean, ive always lived the life hard but i realised not long into my meth use that if i didnt eat, sleep and drink water i'd end up like a faces of meth poster kid. everyone ive used with or used to use with could be perfect candidates. chiks and blokes i grew up with are gaunt, wrinkly and way too aged for their years.
anyway its time to try to go to sleep without laying there awake too long with my mind ticking over about getting on again. its in the back of your mind all the time... and is so easy to fuck it all up so im gonna switch my brain off thoughts of meth and tell you all im doing great and hopefully will find the motivation i need to start blogging more regularly again soon.
xoxo lilly

'testing my weakness'

2012-07-10T21:36:00.000+09:30

so here we go. nice little turn of events. sorry i havent been around again...had to take my kid interstate to see his dad and i been relly sick. i was throwing up everyday and was that sick i didnt even drink much. so anyways heres the bonus 'im stronger than i realised' moment of the week. my ex / kids dad is straightish. on my last night over there (last night) he ended up getting on the ice/meth/whateva they call it and i still managed to keep my shit together and not use any. funny how he has always bagged me for using then turns around and basically throws it in my face testing me. but i held out and managed to not give in. lucky i was sick and at a weaker health point where i could just sleep and not mull it over in my head too much. anyway i got blogs to catch up on. i will definately post a longer blog soon. sorry to all my loyal readers i been very slack and very boring lately. love u all, xo lilly.

new dramas and struggles

2012-06-25T19:18:00.002+09:30

i been really sick last 4 days. nose running then blocked, sore throat and bad cough. makes my thoughts wander back to when id be sick and go get on and all the flu symptons would dissapear. i was really weakening today... and im almost thru it. its already dark outside so nighttime is upon us once again and ill have another day racked up on the clean days tally.
another good moment i had this week was when an old friend dropped by with a rage for me and i was actually able to say no for a change. but gee it was hard. im sure he just dropped by caus he knew i was trying to be clean and had to fuk me up. i guess in the daylight when u look at alot of my current friendships, they are all trying to screw me over in one way or another. i mean how do u find friends among your friends who u know are on your side when everyone i know uses or wants to use or will use feely in front of me like it doesnt matter. where is the respect to not even mention it when u know someone is trying to stop and struggling.
anyway maybe thats enough of a bitch for one day. now for some positives.... i actually had a job interview the other day. i thought it went well bt i didnt get the job but im glad i actually showed up and applied to begin with. my kids playgroup has now closed. we were given 2 weeks notice and its over. now i gotta find another one to take him to. theres not msny ioptions in my area. ive been so negnectful of my duties lately.
even reading blogs makes me want to use again. my stats are still up without posting anything new so thats good. maybe a couple moremonths and ill be able to title a new blog. maybe MY'USEDTOBE'METHDIARIES or something similar. anyway kids to sort out aand tv shows to watch and catch up on.
xo lilly

side effects of not using

2012-06-11T13:56:00.002+09:30

so things are going well i guess. sorry i havent been around. just had a visit from my youngests dad so that took up a week of my time. still managing to be normal. struggling just a bit. overwhelming emotions i havent had the pleasure of feeling seem to keep happening. hate being broke. thats another downfall of being clean caus i dont move what i used to and it lessens the cash flow. its queens birthday lonng weekend here in australia. not sure why we celebrate the quenns birthday way after it actually is. thing its to spread out our public holidays. either way there will be a lot of random drug and alcohol testing stations out this weekend so lucky im drug free. one of the most worrying side effects of not using drugs is the weight gain. so ive started taking these tablets called reducta. i think they trick u into thinking u full so u eat less. not sure if they working....still feel like a fat chik. oh and sex and death guy i used to go out with has tried to make a reappearance in my life. not sure how to handle this one....xo lilly