From the Shattered Darkness

I struggle still

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Thu, 15 Nov 2012 21:37:00 +0000

I'm tired of meds... I'm tired of not feeling 100% ... or maybe this is the way I am supposed to feel?
Ugh, I never know any more.

I don't write here much because my other blog... gets.. I don't even know. It's a different style of blog than this.
One where I don't vent nearly as much... I don't... I can't even get into it.

I hope everyone is doing well. I'm doing alright. I quit school because I couldn't take it.
My request for SSA was denied.. but I consider trying again. Things are just difficult to get a handle on... I want to do nothing but sleep really.

Once of my baby mice was found by me severely dehydrated two days ago, and the vet wasn't sure she'd make it. She's thriving now but I've been caring for her pretty much around the clock.. I'm exhausted.

Still alive

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 02:35:00 +0000

I'm still alive, and kicking. Actually I've moved over to a new blog entirely and have gone completely off all medication. Went through the most horrific withdrawals from Cymbalta even! Which was pure hell..
No longer in therapy. She kept changing my diagnosis.

I have no real idea what is wrong with me really.
So I'm going with diet changes and dietary supplements to attempt to help myself.

I hope you are all doing well. :)

Been a quiet mess.

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 06:38:00 +0000

I am sorry I have been so quiet. I've been extremely quiet and extremely a mess.
Things have been... I don't even know how to say.
But I decided to change schools and I am a little upset that there is not a real good transfer of my credits.
Right now, three of the kids are gone and will be gone for a fair bit of time now. :(
I will not see them again until the 26th.
So I am a mess with that..
I keep forgetting to take my meds. I want to call for an appointment tomorrow, see if perhaps really this is ADHD or no?? I don't know...

My bucket list..

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 02:53:00 +0000

This is my entry in the Just Ask Bucket List Getaway Giveaway. Just Ask offers a breast and ovarian cancer screening and is encouraging people to share 15 things that I want to enjoy in my lifetime as a reminder to be aware of my health. Want to enter? Head over to TodaysMama.com to get the details.

So here we go, before I kick the bucket I would like to...

Take a vacation to Japan
Take a vacation to Australia
Graduate college!
See all my kids graduate college.
Get Married.
Move out of the Northern USA!
Be a healthy weight and stay there
Recover from BPD
Find 5 things to smile about every day!
Get the shard of glass out of my knee.
Own a Para Para Paradise arcade machine!!!
Own a Dance Dance Revolution Machine!
Take a vacation sans kids
Take a vacation WITH the kids
See Ayumi Hamasaki in concert!
Get the chance to record a CD at a recording studio.. even if it's just for fun!

There.. that's a start for now...

Fffffffffuckin'

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 05:26:00 +0000

I haven't had therapy for two weeks now, because Dr. L hasn't been there.
Just my luck huh?
I am going to probably tell her not to bother, and to take on my oldest just because I think at this point she needs it more. Or something. Or because I'm angry, and she can kiss my ass.

I'm also trying to get myself off of Cymbalta, on my own, all over again. Thinking maybe.. just maybe... what if maybe?? Lots of my crap is a magnesium deficiency? So.... I had to wonder that about the kids too! My son's ADHD, the moodiness of the girls and things??

So... I bought some magnesium, and we all had a SMALL dose today, a full dose is 2tsp, we all had 1/4tsp... yeah, though I did feel more calm and a bit more balanced during that part of the day, I am exhausted now. But it HAS been a long day!!!

Tomorrow, I will do 1/2tsp for me, and see how that goes. I think I will keep the kids on the 1/4 for a bit, and see how that does them?? I have no idea, I've read to use up to 200mg or whatever for a kid with ADHD, which.. would be 1.5tsp?? So.. maybe I'll... naw I am gonna go with 1/4 for a week for him, then 1/2?? for a week.. then 3/4.... for a week.. then the 1tsp... and see how he manages. :)

We'll see how we all do.

Assuming I don't die from Cymbalta withdrawal..

Fuck it...

I'm so done with lots of things lately and it's not even funny anymore.

I pulled away from just about everyone but BF and the EX....

Well the kids too..

I deleted all my friends outta my phone.
That was short lived.
Of course it was.

I'm full of shit

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 00:56:00 +0000

I didn't just meet FRIENDS.
I meant 'friends' just for the sake of having people to HAVE SEX WITH.
I've been driving out to a place in the middle of fucking nowhere to meet up with people I only knew online.
In the dark of night.
No cell service.
The first time NO ONE knew that I was going there.
Yes, I've been insanely reckless.

I've also been an emotional WRECK.
But I haven't told a fucking lick of it to Dr. L..
WHY?? Because everything has been dominated by making sure that my son gets well on his way into his journey.
She's all like "I don't think you have BPD" umm..
Lady you have NO idea the shit I've been going through that I haven't told you because I wanted to show this strong face to everyone so no one see's how broken I am in light of all the help my son needs..

I am going to tell her on Thursday..

She has no idea what I've been doing to myself and with myself..
Just the little scrap I've been throwing at her.

This'll be a shock to her..All the shit that I've been hiding even from here. Because I pulled away a lot from people in general.

Yes, even though I went and actively searched for people to have sex with.
Yes, that means I had my first experience with a woman, and I slept with a man I'd only known for a total of 4 face to face meetings and only two of those were one on one.

Stupid?
Yes!
Did it feel good?
Mostly..

The guy was far better than the girl.

Err, and YES my boyfriend knows. He knows every last inch of it and is encouraging and supportive despite it.

Watch me spiral out of control now.
I've crashed emotionally many times over the past two weeks.
It's stupid..
Fuck I'm in such a fucking spot I don't even fucking know and I have fucking no one..

-Shattered

exploration

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 19:14:00 +0000

It's a hard thing.
I want to explore who I am but at the same time I'm too scared of being who I am.
I know I am going to therapy to 'fix' myself, but at the same time I don't want to fix certain aspects of myself that I am comfortable with. I just, want to live with them, and have that be that. I don't want to 'suffer' from them, I want to embrace them.
I took my antidepressants late this morning, and at this moment I'm in an unhappy head space where I feel a little.. okay perhaps a lot..
Lost and alone..

I made friends...

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 15:59:00 +0000

I had an adventure the last week really.
I made friends!
I drove clear outta the way to go to Karaoke with a group of people I met online. This was last Friday night.
I was nervously scared and shy at first, but eventually they were able to draw me in.
Then, I met up one on one with two of them over the course of the week. Yes, indeed. I actually did!
It was lovely, and we talked lots via text and that was lovely too.

Yesterday evening, a severely harsh fight with the ex shook me down to the core and left my confidence completely shattered. I had to wonder if I was even on my medication because I handled myself so badly that signs pointed to me having forgotten to take it, but I remember taking it because yesterday I opened a new bottle!

I guess I was just being hyper-reactive and emotional. Then again... he was his typical douche self to my son. Ugh!!

So, I tried pulling away from friends a little, because I just didn't feel good and safe and felt very.... very.... sad.. weak.. and unwanted.

Right now, I am still a little shaken.
I'm exhausted!

I got woken up at 8AM. @_@;; If it wasn't for the fact that my niece is here I would have told the kids to go the heck back to sleep, but I can't do that when we have company.

Meh..
I am gonna listen to music and clean up my room.
I am FINALLY GOING TO GET MY FREAKING COMPUTER PLACED IN MY OFFICE AND OUT OF MY BEDROOM!! Yes! Yes I really am!

-Shattered

Nightmares abound

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 18:16:00 +0000

I'm sorry I've been so quiet, life has just been really busy since my son started PSR, we have therapy on Thursdays, aside from the oldest who has it on Fridays. The kids all started school and I have gone a 'little' crazy with enjoying the me time I get now that even the youngest is in school 3 hours a day!

On top of that, I've had this cold/flu thing that has been bogging me down, and anyplace from 6-9 homework assignments every week! So I've been a bit overwhelmed with lots of life.

On top of that, when I am sick I get the most insane nightmares/dreams that feel SO REAL I can't help but dwell on them after I wake up. Trying to analyze each little piece and the thing as a whole to see if there is SOMETHING within there that I need to be paying attention to in order to change something within my life and myself in order to make things... well... more in sync and peaceful?

Take for instance the dream I had the other night, my second daughter wanted to move in with her dad and his girlfriend, who suddenly had lost a good 200lbs, dyed her hair dark, straightened it's poodle-y fluffy craziness and was gangsta! Then they wanted to kill me for some reason and it was just absolutely nuts.

Last nights... I am still not sure, it involved the laundry room of the apartment building I lived in for many many years, and a lot of things that 'were mine' but weren't things that I ever really had, just things that I've REALLY REALLY wanted over the years. Perhaps it's a sign that I should just allow myself some things that I really want, make some peace with my past, and try and enjoy life more?

There was also this female cat, with kittens. One kitten was pure white, they were all these long haired cats. Reminds me of the cat that died in my arms when I was pregnant with my oldest, at least somewhat. Since the rest were the beautiful tortoise shell type colors he was, but he also had a white tummy area. I loved that cat..

Anyway, the white one had this injury on it's right leg, about in the middle, a hole that at first just looked a little agitated.. but eventually was very puss-y (not 'pussy' as in puss, with lots of it?) and bloody, and it was awful. However for some reason there was nothing I could do, it was the middle of the night and I didn't know what an emergency vet could do? So I resorted to caring for it myself, and then making sure to feed the cats and promising to come in there and feed them every day even though I live a good 45 minutes away from there now, in a different state and city entirely..

I'm still not sure what it all means..
I wish I had some clue though..

-Shattered

Not much to say..

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 20:12:00 +0000

Tomorrow, by help of my BF, I get to finally get a root canal.
My tooth has made it hard to sleep, I wake up with the Ibuprofen wears off to take more and then pass back out in an Ibuprofen induced head-fog.. I wake up feeling like hell.
My brain still races at night, the sleep medication was no match for the racing of my brain nor the pain in my mouth.

My son started PSR yesterday. PSR being Psycho-social Rehabilitation.
Yet I am still considering perhaps he DOES need medication.

I do love him, but dear gods with his issues I hate the way he acts.. It's one of the worst parts of every day.
I dread school starting, but pray for it at the same time.
I am worried they're going to have so many problems with him that he'll be in the office or getting in trouble left and right.
Based solely off of all the problems he has here at home, and with his dad.

I still hate Cymbalta..
I cancelled an appointment about the sleep meds not working because I wanted to wait until this tooth is taken care of and see if that improves my sleep at all.

I am going to be asked to get taken off of Cymbalta.
The only thing it does it make me less violent, and cry at less things.
Other than that.. I still have no energy, little interest, and overall meh for day to day and things in general.

Basically.. I'm still a mess, just not AS much of one.

That's not good enough.
I want some kind of.. I want something else.
I want more than this shit.
I don't even know..

-Shattered

Stuffed up

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 04:05:00 +0000

I realize, that is what Cymbalta does.
It mostly stuffs up my ability to cry, or get easily upset when someone (ex's, people in general) try and say things to hurt my feelings.

Or they yell at me.

It stuffs it up, I feel.. neutral. There is no need for crying, or getting mad. It's just. Whatever.
Is that a NORMAL thing to feel?
I am so used to being upset SO SO easily, that not being upset SO easily.. is...
Beyond me really.

Or I'll feel hurt, but there wont be that insane flood of tears and chaos.

Of course, I thought maybe I was just doing better. So I tried not taking my meds.

Hahahaha, it was okay the first day. Come the second? Oh yeah, that overly emotional BS self came back, and I felt like hell. It made working this part time job I got here at home.. pretty much unbearable. I sat there and cried while on the phone, but still forced a smile to my face and made it through calls. I got my meds in my system but they took a little.

Fuck..
I guess I have to be on these forever??
I don't want to be.

I want to feel happier though. On top of it all. I want to be able to feel happiness and not just this.. Meh. Who cares feeling.

What do I do? :(
I guess I'll have to go back and look at different meds and finding out how you even wean off of Cymbalta?
I don't even know anymore..

On another note, I've managed to keep this job a week and a day now. Woo? I HAVE wanted to quit. The day that my body and my emotions were hell from being off my meds, I thought I'm not doing this anymore!! NO MORE!!

Yet I did anyway.

I made it back the next day, and okay. I can manage, somehow. I will make it through this and be okay.
Somehow..

Ugh!
I start school again in two days.

Lets see if this mess of myself.. can even survive it!

Going Unnnnnnnnnnder...

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 20:25:00 +0000

I don't know, I freaking hate anti-depressants.
How do I know if they're working?
I feel 'the same' again. NOTHING feels very good. So what is that? Does that mean even the 60mg of Cymbalta is not enough?? I'm sick and tired of trying this shit.
Sick and mother fucking tired of giving my hopes into these damn medications and not feeling anything!!

I'm tired of anxiety, I'm tired of being miserable, I'm tired of being low energy, I'm tired of needing sleep medication but still feeling a bit dead and tired come the morning!!

It's... like.. NOTHING is changing!! UGH!
So, I am going to make a call and look into changing medications..
Yes... AGAIN. I will be changing, because this just isn't doing it's job, and I don't want to go maximum dose just to have it flatline and not work.

On top of that, I want to make an appointment to get in and have my thyroid levels checked. Even though I know that will involve a blood test, and I am not... looking forward to that, so.. whatever. I'll do what it takes to figure out if it's my thyroid, or if my brain really IS the problem!

UGH~!

-Shattered

But what about ME?!

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 05:47:00 +0000

I want someone to focus on me.
You know?
Someone OVER the age of 18. Someone who just wants to fuss over my well being. I'm stressed out and worn thin worried about my son and the kids in general and the youngest has been up my ass for attention this entire week and asks me MULTIPLE times a day when her siblings will be home.
Yes, I know she misses them, and yes I am trying to keep her occupied and not leave her alone but holy hell I can't even go bathroom without her wanting to come and talk.

"What are you doing mommy? Are you going to the bathroom? Can I come in?"
FFS!! You're 5, let me go bathroom and get SOME time alone or something!
Of course when I TRY and get time out of the house without one of the kids the EX ends up calling me every few minutes.

He seriously said "So if I call and you don't answer, what do I say? Mommy doesn't love you?"

Seriously?! I mean, HELLS! I spend soooooooo much damn time with them and JUST them, how do you even get off saying that?! You can go days without seeing your own flesh and blood and wont even talk to her or ask me about her. So if I want 2 hours alone with my family not worrying about what parenting shit I have to do I don't love her?

FFS, I just want someone to come, clean the house up so I can get a fresh start, make me dinner, rub the knots and pain out of my back, and just.. in general come and pamper me a bit. I'm tired of being one doing it all. I am not doing well with this single parent thing with no one else living in the house but the kids. I try, but holy shit, I just want to run and hide someplace and to be left alone.

I want someone to bake me cookies too.
It's hot, I want air conditioning as well. It sucks when it's 86*F inside. It really really does.

Yes, I had to rant because I just feel... overwhelmed with so much in life right now I want to cry and scream and kick!

-Shattered

On the outside

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 17:44:00 +0000

Still looking in.
I will always really be the outsider no matter what I do.

Even despite all the horrible things my oldest sister may do, I will be the outsider.
The one sitting there awkwardly as everyone talks about the illegal substances they use. The one shaking her head again and again when offered one drug after another.
I don't care if it's legal, I will not be smoking from your Hookah. I'm sorry, I just will not be doing it.
I will not smoke pot 'instead of taking your meds' because it 'makes you feel so good'. Ugh, I am not going to do something illegal just because it can 'make me feel good'. I've seen how much more drugged up YOU seem on that crap than I do on my 'mind altering' anti-depressants. Sorry, I'll go the route that's legal and not risk it. I also don't want to just look like some zombied out person.

Lah. @_@

I also tried hard not to judge my mom as I sat there.
Listening to her, watching her laugh, seeing her teeth rotting and knowing that there is some sort of option if she'd take it.
Will the kids look at me like that someday?

Will I be falling apart before I am 50 like she is?
Do they look at me and see me falling apart already?

I have to wonder, just how awful do I appear to them?

-Shattered

Hard a work? Or hardly working?

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 06:55:00 +0000

Ugh, I feel like I am getting nowhere with anything about myself.
A lot of my time and talk in therapy lately is all about my son.
I know, I know, something about it all I guess. I know I need to focus on him a bit too, but I am wondering how far I can go with getting better than I can right now.
Who knows...

I am worn out a bit, though despite trying, I am not able to sleep well. Even with sleep medication, it's not really happening all to well.

I dunno, I don't even know what to say.

I'm frustrated with lots of things right now.
I can't believe I start school again... Granted it's only in like 18 days from now. That's still over two weeks.
I have no idea.
Just stressy and tired... I feel like I am going nowhere with a lot of things. I am just.. in generally... worn thin, and feeling crappy.

What do I do to feel better?

-Shattered

Did you know??

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 05:05:00 +0000

I'm a bitch!
Yes, that is what the ex called me about 40 minutes ago.
Why???
Because I dared to spend an hour and a half at my brothers birthday dinner, and put my phone on silence so he wouldn't call me every 30 minutes! Of course, he did try and call, and was all sorts of bitch-tastic at me.

Okay. Sorry that I asked you to watch your kid solo for the first time since, yanno, April?
FFS. It's been over 3 months! Spend some time alone with her and stop being a douche.

Whatever. -_-;

Kids and I all had therapy today.
Funny enough, my therapy revolved mostly around my son, and working out what kind of things we can do to help him. That's okay, because a fair bit of stress in my life relates to the challenges of him.

Hopefully, all goes well for him and us.
Right now, all I can do is pray right?

The other day, err.. Wednesday. I got new medication to help me sleep. My doctor thinks that I may be far better off once I can actually sleep. So she's actually got me on a sleep medication. Yes... we shall see. We're giving me a month of taking it for a week, trying a couple days without, taking it for a week, and then trying a couple days without and praying that it resets my poor awful hardly existent ability to sleep!

Other than that.. hmmmm, I had absolutely no real desire to eat at my brother's birthday dinner. It was just mom and dad, my youngest sister, my brother, and myself. Today my brother is 24. My own brother is older than my BF. Hehehehe. Oops? I dunno, I really can't be too fussed about it personally. >.>

Well okay, sometimes I can be.

Anyway, I did eventually eat, and managed to feel too full to finish. That's a good thing. I have't really felt full in a bit.

I've just sorta been, no real desire to eat or do much else.

Eh who knows, we shall see how things go.

Other than that, I really gotta get the youngest to sleep!

-Shattered

My Nightmares

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 17:56:00 +0000

Often involve my mother. Usually, she is not listening to me and leaves me defenseless in a situation where I am quickly overwhelmed. Much like my childhood. Where I was the misunderstood, unwanted 'black sheep' of the family. Despite striving my best to do my best for her, it was never enough to make me anything but that.

Even though my oldest sister started having sex with far older men at the age of 12, and even had her first abortion. I was the bad one.

I had another such dream last night.
Perhaps I feel bad because I did not adhere to my mothers request of coming over yesterday to hang out before going to get the kids? I felt like if I did go over there she'd put me to work painting or ripping up carpeting. Not exactly my ultimate feeling of a visit, is going and ripping up carpeting or getting roped into painting walls. More so on a Sunday.

My sleep is still pretty awful. Though last night I made it to bed shortly after 1:30AM, I was up again at 6:00AM with wicked pain from my tooth that needs the root canal. I still cannot afford it, and likely wont be able to anytime soon.

Yesterday, my desktop computer died. This is a BAD thing, as school starts on the 18th of August and I need my desk top for school. It is stronger than my laptop, and has the programs I need. Plus I just prefer to work with something that I don't have to place on my lap. Not that I mind my laptop, it allows me to be online where ever I can get access to wireless... it is just that I am very used to the comfort of my desktop, and I am frustrated to see it go kaput. I started it up yesterday, intent to sketch and then work one of my crappy low-paying work at home jobs once I got the kids to bed.. and not long later the computer froze.

After that, it will turn on and nothing else. Of course I did my usual routine of things that help it. Only to realize that I need a new CPU fan, and the Power Supply is not giving enough power. Thankfully, it is not something worse like the actual CPU, the hard drive (I would lose all my college work so far, all my pictures of the children, and my art!!), the Mobo or the video card.. but it is a frustrating loss none the less!

I am close to bashing my head against the wall in frustration.
Pain and suffering sleep does nothing to make my mood any better, and I am growing increasingly frustrated with life lately.

I found a job on CL that may just be right up my alley, the hours appear to be close to perfect, and it is not dealing face to face with people. It is working back in a stockroom for a shop, and you know.. I think I can do that. No possible customers to get in my face and yell, or sigh, or eyeroll, smack their lips, glare, shit like that? Yeah, it sounds good.

Oh, and another frustration, someone left a note on a previous entry, and.. I meant to click the link in email to allow the note. Instead, I accidentally clicked the delete, and there is no possible restore for the message!! Ugh!! I am frustrated and angry at myself!

After my 25 minutes up to take pain killers and use an ice pack on my face I managed to get back to sleep until 9. Then my son woke me up to ask if he could quietly play on the Wii, I said sure.. as long as it's quietly I don't care!

I got out of bed at 9:30AM to see the my second daughter putting dishes away from the dish washer.
Not only did the PUT them away, she reloaded and ran the dishwasher!! Awww. Some light for all the darkness lately.

-Shattered

Conversations while baking:

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 04:44:00 +0000

I was making cookies with the youngest, and while putting dough on one of the pans the following conversation took place.

Youngest: "Mommy where did you live when you were a little kid?"
Me: "California"
Youngest: "Oh! That's... Miles away!"
Me: "Yes, it is pretty far away..."
Youngest:"That means we couldn't see you!"
Me: "Well no, you weren't born yet."
Youngest: "Right! Because we were dead!"
Me: "Oh? So you decided to be born to me?"
Youngest:"Yes! I decided to come to you and be your cutest baby!"
Me: *tries not to laugh* "Oh really?"
Youngest:"Yeah! I was really cute when I was a baby!"
Me: "You're still cute now"
Youngest: "I'm beautiful too!"
Me: "Yes, yes you are."

Well, I know a certain someone with no current problems with her self esteem. :P

I wish I had her self esteem~!

In other news.. I am still in pain, and very close to being unable to pay bills. I'm stressed as hell about it.

So have no real words right now to cope...

-Shattered

Another infection

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 08:11:00 +0000

Not BF this time, actually it's me. I have another infected tooth, and somehow need to come up with $350 so that I can get a root canal done on it. That is the cheapest place local, and the cost to have it just removed and get a denture is about the same. So.. I guess I'd rather go with the low-income clinic and get the root canal. Honestly, if it was a tooth further back I wouldn't do it, but since it's one of the ones in the front.. Well, what can I do? I want it done, because the pain is driving me nuts.

I was in so much pain I got a total of four hours with a few minutes of sleep. That was it. I was up and trying whatever I could to stop the pain. I actually called the low income dentist to see how fast they could get me in. Luckily, there was a cancellation so they got me in for an exam today. I am in need of a fair few fillings, and found out.. of all things, they can pull my last wisdom tooth. Funny that before they said they couldn't? But now they can.. then again that was over the phone and perhaps they did not understand the situation. Still... they're cheaper even than the place I was using before.

Sadly, they do not take the little 'CareCredit' card thing I got. Which is a bummer needless to say!
So.. somehow?? I have to come up with $300. Great, I'm stressing bills as is, but I need my mouth to feel better because the pain is severely limiting my functioning when it destroys my sleep so completely!

So, I got a prescription for Antibiotics, they help make the pain not as bad... somehow. I am not sure why, but it works somewhat.
I also managed to call and get a month of samples of my Cymbalta while I wait for Ginger (lady who manages my free meds from the company that makes em..) to get the approval from R (who prescribes my meds) to go ahead and get me another 4 month supply or whatever I get I don't flipping know.

It was good to take a dose of meds today that was a complete dose. Though I am still paying the price of hurting myself. I am lucky my nails are FINALLY growing long, yet I hurt myself with them on purpose without realizing I am doing it and it's frustrating. I don't want to cut them off, I've wanted my nails to grow for YEARS now.

I am a fair bit extremely crazy stressed.
What is a good part time job to do when you do not handle people well? All I am finding is fast food and call center type work. Which is all work with a lot of contact with people. Even through the phone it's extremely hard! Night Janitor doesn't work because no one would be home with the children. Ideally I'd like to find something I can do during the hours they'd all be at school, or even find one that takes up hours that means that the youngest would need some kind of care the first half of the day until school starts. Whatever it is, I'd prefer not to have to work before they have school, or after. So, yes, I want to be limited to a job that wants me from I guess 9:30am to no later than 3PM. That's.. well hell I'd only manage part time anyway. I just need SOMETHING. Before I end up with us all living in my van.
Okay, no, that wont happen.

But I seriously do not know what to do with myself. @_@;

Maybe I could manage something like.. stock room or door greeter at Walmart. Something that doesn't.. I don't know, really require having to attempt to go out of my way serving people who will give me those looks. I got so many of those looks, that voice, that eyeroll. The one week I managed at McDonalds. Oh man, 20 minute-ish computer training and they threw me to the sharks on register!! I wasn't happy with that, at all. I was to ill-prepared and people could be so bitchy.

Blah!!
I can't sleep. I tried, but I couldn't shut down my brain. Still can't.
What AM I going to do with myself?

Uggghhhh

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 08:38:00 +0000

Still sick,
It's been getting so hot that the house has been heating up to 83. I wish we had air conditioning. Yeesh, 83 is not a good indoor temperature.
A good temperature for both indoors and out is a nice 76. That's my happy temperature, 76, with a gentle breeze. But I know that's not hot enough to warm up water.
Then again, it's not like I can go to the lake feeling so ill!

The youngest and I are alone a week again.
The house is always so strange when it's just the two of us. All this space and stuff and two people, it feels so awkward.
We ended up cleaning their bathroom downstairs today. I went down there to cool off (much cooler down there when it's super hot up here!), and then had to use the toilet. Then I realized "fucking gods, this place is nasty!" So out came the Clorox wipes, trash bag, and broom to really make the place look far better.
I guess you never realize how bad a room can get if you rarely use it. I don't really go down there and invade their area enough to actually USE the downstairs toilet when there are 2 up here on the main level after all.

ugh..
my teeth hurt..
too much to write now..
gods I'm falling apart

-Shattered

There goes that plan

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 18:51:00 +0000

My 'plan of attack' for the day was to clean, sew lots, let the kids play outside.
Thinking that I was starting to feel better, only to wake up with so much sinus pressure that all of the teeth on the top of my head feel like they are going to explode into tiny little pieces of evilness. My voice is funny, my head is all congested and feels like hell.

I just want to go sleep, but I have no one to watch the kids. *whimper*
I asked the EX, but he's going to go take a nap because he had to wake up at 9:30 for a work call. *sigh*

Of course, I don't really know anyone else I trust enough to have them come into the house for a time while I sleep. No.. not even my mom. Sorry to say, sure I did manage to ask her over once. But that was once in the past 3 1/2 years that I've done so.

Instead, I believe I will just go and be a zombie on the couch. Eventually, I'll put the cat in the bathroom, lounge by the front door, and let the kids.. play on the grass or something. Gah, if only the back yard was accessible through the house. Then I could just toss them outside to play and I could lounge within viewing distance far more easily. Or.. you know, have the front yard be fenced. Bleh.

Yes, I am whining, I'm a touch jealous of all the times I've tended to sick kids as much as possible.. when I remember back to my childhood and it didn't happen. I want that now... someone to care enough to dote on my at least a little right now.

-Shattered

Sick

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 17:45:00 +0000

My throat is in agony. I am not sure if I have finally somehow got the strep that the kids had at the start of the summer/a bit ago..
Or.. if I am just.. Sick!
I am absolutely a bit confused on it.

Either way, I feel post nasal drip, and my voice is 'going the way of the dinosaurs'. My stomach doesn't hurt too much, but I should be on my monthly 'woman week'. Or, something, considering the spotting. I have no idea, I can't even tell.

It took me forever to feel tired enough to go to sleep considering my throat.
I used to suffer from strep often, actually I had it so much that I wanted my tonsils out, but had been told that I was 'too old', because I was 17 when I asked for it to be done again.

Of course, when I reported that to a doctor years later at 21, they looked at me like I had grown another head and said that if I persistantly get something wrong with my tonsils, being 21 was not 'too old' to have them removed, and therefore there was no way that 17 was.

Was the other doctor just lazy? I have no idea.

Either way, I was lucky that the kids slept in enough to not wake me until 10. Thankfully... today is a lazy day where there is nothing going on due to 1. I have to wait from 8am to 5pm at home anyway, since I decided to re-have my home-phone hooked up. And... since it was only $8 more a month to do so... have the cable put back on too. It means I can watch all my favorite baking/cake challenge type shows again.

I've decided, that my current job being a guide for the search company 'ChaCha' is just not paying enough. I can sit there for hours and maybe make $5. No, I can't do it.
So instead I will go back to my dread 'on the phone' job, where I only get paid for the minutes on the phone.. but.. if I end up actually talking for 30 minutes in one hour, I make $7.50 instead of working back to back with ChaCha and maybe making $1.50! Heck, I could easily work my usual 2-3 hours, and at $7.50 make $22.5 only actually talking to people for 90 minutes of that, instead of working almost back to back on ChaCha and maybe making $5

I just have to get over my complete loathing of how awful people can be when they're calling in to order various things off of infomercials. It will.. absolutely take a lot of mental strength and energy, but.. I am determined to do my best. I cannot keep going the way I am going. I am absolutely sick to my stomach with having so little money that I am hardly scraping by every month.

Wish me luck! Once school starts again come August 18th... my load of things to do will be amped.. up a bit. Still, if I can manage even an hour, even of I can only manage to make sure I make $15 a day.. It is FAR better... than what I am managing now!

------
Someone super sweet commented on my last post (actually two super sweet people did, but I am talking about this one specific one) and said she followed me and hoped that my followers went back up. Oddly enough? The number hasn't gone up, nor do I see their name on the list. o.O Maybe.. I haven't lost anyone, but blogger is just messing with my head.

Mean mean blogger!

-Shattered

Exhaustion

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 03:40:00 +0000

Today has been, wow.. intense.
The oldest had an emotional... I don't even know what to call it, at the girls having to clean their room. She's not even sure what it was all about, or why it was all about.. but there it was.

She had a doctors appointment today, and I had therapy.. So did three of them. Yet again her therapist didn't show up. Joyous.

I'm completely and totally worn out.
I just.. RE-realized that I am almost out of my medication, and a part of me says ... don't bother with them anymore.

I'm frustrated, sad, and having trouble sleeping.

I feel so isolated on my own problems, and now even with the ones that are finally confirmed my son has. Of all people to be all 'don't medicate him it's bs' my stoned ass brother said it.

It's just.. I know I shouldn't care, but it hurts. I feel isolated on so many levels, and amazingly.. .the only in real life support I have is the EX.
I am thankful for that, and I know that I should not... or it'd be nice if I didn't.. but I still wish Ex-h would be supportive.. or.. even.. that well some of my family would be supportive.

Don't hold your breath huh?
The kids slept in today, we barely woke up with enough time to get to the doctors office and do the oldest's yearly check-up. She got a shot, found out her height and weight.. and got kind of 'scolded' for the kids only having had a granola bar for breakfast. Give me a break, we'd only been up for 20 minutes before the appointment, it was a miracle I got anything for them with how it takes us to get out the door.

Of course, by the time we got home it was noon, so we had lunch anyway...

Well, the kids did.
I haven't been eating well, or sleeping well.. or just in general well.

Another thing I shouldn't care about?
My 'followers' went from 16 to 15. How lame it is that I care about that? Okay.. I do.. I wonder who decided they'd rather not read my stuff anymore. I... feel a bit hurt by that..
It's that.. rejection..

I feel rejected by something like that..
and I'm close to crying now.

-Shattered

Do you ever forget?

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 23:30:00 +0000

What you look like?

I find that if I do not remind myself to look in the mirror, I forget what I look like.
The length of my hair, the size of my nose, how my cheekbones are. The shape of my eyebrows, the exact color of my hair, aside from what I can see of it... Things like that.

I forget things like that..
So, when I am sitting here at my computer desk (a place I haven't sat much lately. I've spent more time on my laptop than desktop since summer started), I leave my bathroom door open so that I can glance over from time to time to make sure that.. I don't forget who I look like.

Even if I feel oddly misplaced in who is right there.

I got the kids from the ex-h yesterday, and it seems my son has picked up a rather unfortunate habit from the ex-h's girlfriends daughter. Screaming, yelling, and getting absolutely pissed about the smallest thing. Of course he (son) was tired as all get out yesterday, so our dinner was a bit rough as the EX was being a giant douche about the smallest of things. He was literally arguing with a tired, ADHD, 6 year old who was emotionally out of control and hungry (ex-h does not feed the kids well, they always come back extremely hungry!). So.... the poor kiddo ended up having multiple meltdowns. RIGHT THERE in the restaurant. This is NOT typical of my son. He does not often burst into hysteric tears like this. Unless he's extremely tired and completely overwhelmed. So...

Why does the EX HAVE to agitate him so much? Why does he pick battles with a 6 year old?!

I'm.. so... heart broken over how he treats him.
Why can't he attempt to have a bit more compassion? I dread having to pick up the kids because of the drama it causes if I don't want him to go with me to get them. I dread going with him because he tends to pick these fights with a little child!

-Shattered

What I found

noreply@blogger.com (shatteredone) — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 05:32:00 +0000

That I shouldn't have..
____________________________________________
Maybe I should start with how therapy went this week.
I told Dr. L how it went with the EX and she told me I seemed happier because the kids were gone for a visit. What the fuck ever. She didn't see me last week when they were here, I was fine last week too. So, what the hell ever.

*sigh*

Okay, aside from that. Not a whole ton going on right now other than that. Not a whole lot really. It's typical..... me not doing much.
So today the youngest and I built my drawing desk. Yes, finally. I got it before or actually right after my last class started and that was awhile ago. Since I'm still on my extended break.

After that, which was harder than hell and hurt my hands a fair bit. But it's done, and looks great. I really want to get my computer and desk in there and make my office and office.

Then we did some laundry, then I cleared off the kitchen counters, and scrubbed them down a fair bit. They look nice. A bit more work to do, so, I'll get there. We'll get there. We'll see.

Um.. okay.

So what I found?

The EX asked me to go into the office and check through something he left there for something. I found this little journal thing, and... Oh.. I snooped. Even worse I read it while he was on the phone with me! But he didn't know. He didn't seem to even recognize it when he got here hours upon hours later to get the things.

Some of it was just writing of stories. Some of it was emotional stuff where he blames BF for things that he didn't do originally. As in, the reason that he and I aren't together was because of BF. Actually, BF was just my friend when he called off the wedding and that was the end. After that, we never repaired things well enough and it just fell apart.

Anyway, I read it and I felt a bit awful for him. Then again, it's the same stuff he yelled at me. The same not taking any blame for any of all of the situation.

Later though, a later writing because he hates himself. I feel bad. The writings have to be months upon months old though. Considering he's been moved out since February, and it's now almost Mid-July.

*sigh*

Anyway...
Other than that, I have.... had the most horrific time sleeping lately. It takes forever, and if I fall asleep before 2AM I wake up around 5 or 530AM.. Then I am up for an hour, and then I don't wake up until anyplace between 10:40am and 11:40am.

Today I wanted to wake up at 9am. It was then that I couldn't fall asleep until nearly 5AM.
Damn. So today I was up at 11:20 AM only because some door to door church guy came to my door, the youngest came to my room (I have no idea how long she was up) and by the time we got to the door, they'd just slipped the little pamphlet through. Oh well..

*sigh* So I refused to take my anti-depressants. Thinking, you know what??Taking it come noon is making it hard to sleep.

My head hurts something fierce. I am playing with fire here, but right now. I need to play with fire so I can get myself on a decent track and stop this suffering.

Also, I've spent time watching things like Hoarders, and various little documentaries, and right now I am watching Obsessed. Some of these shows really make me feel better. I feel less alone, I feel more normal compared to some of the people. Which is awful to admit, but feeling 'more normal' than someone else, helps me feel less 'out there, like a stupid freak' and things like that.

*sigh*

Anyway, I am giving myself only an hour more right now, and then I will head to bed.

-Shattered