Life After Divorce

Blending the Fam- Holiday Edition

2010-12-03T15:57:00.001-07:00

So, the grand total of kids between me and my hubby is 6. We're always looking for ways to help our kids all feel part of the greater whole, and to develop bonds for their step siblings. Here's one fun thing that worked so well last Christmas, we had to do it again: Secret Santa. Each of the kids drew names the day after Thanksgiving, and they do something nice (and secret) for their chosen sibling each week. Then they give that person a present and reveal their identity on Christmas. I know, it's not like we invented this idea. It's pretty fun, though. We, the parents get to stand back and watch, and occasionally help carry out secret acts of kindness. The kids have cleaned each others' rooms, written nice notes, hidden their favorite candy in their backpack and other great stuff. Next year, they want us to join in the fun. We'll see. This year, we're having so much fun watching it all go down. Blended Families: The Part AFTER Happily Ever After

You Gotta Be Kidding Me!

2010-09-22T12:58:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I get the distict feeling that the forces of nature are pitted against me. Take today, for instance. I needed to make a quick run to my kids' school to pick up paper and supplies to make a couple banners. You know, a low-key volunteer project- easy, right? So, I got in my car for the 1.6 mile pilgrimage to the school. It started sprinkling soon after I left. No big deal, I thought- I can handle a little rain. I got to the school and ran in.

Not 5 minutes later, I was ready to go back home, butcher paper in hand. Only now it was pouring. We're talking Hollywood movie rain. Whatever. If it came on this fast, it could let up soon, too. I waited under the eaves of the school for a break in the rain to run out to my car. (Parking is so not close to the office.) As I waited, it began to hail. Then the wind blew, pelting everything, including little me, hiding out under the eaves. I figured I better make a run for it. I ran as fast as my four inch heels could take me. (Fashion over practicality) I was soaked to the bone in under 30 seconds. The rain tapered off as I drove home, which took about 3 minutes. By the time I pulled into my nice, dry garage the rain had stopped. I must be sending out the wrong kinda vibes to the universe, or something.

The Aspirations of a Child

2010-09-13T12:32:00.000-06:00

So, the other day I was in the car with my 9 year old, Sydney. All of a sudden, she piped up and said "When I get old enough, I want to work at Beans n' Brews!" Then she proceeded to list the reasons. "First of all, I can drink all my favorite drinks on my breaks." (hot chocolate and grasshopper frappes without the coffee) "Also, you would come in all the time. so I'd get to see you. I would also get a discount for you and me to use." And there you have it, 'nuf said.

First Day of Chaos, I Mean- School

2010-09-10T17:07:00.002-06:00

Our first day of school was, in a word- disastrous. Oh, all the shopping was done, bags were packed well in advance, and the schedules were checked twice. See, we were out of town for a week and we got back home the night before the big day. Which would have been fine, except our basement flooded while we were gone. (Luckily, friends and neighbors moved our furniture and dried out the carpet. ) Our furniture was piled up in the living room, and the kids had to step lively to reach their rooms without tipping over a fan or stepping on tack strip.

On the morning of the Big Day, one kid broke a glass pitcher and got glass shards in her hand, the other wet the bed, breakfast took an inordinate amount of time, and the camera had a dead battery. On top of that, things were hard to find in all the chaos that was our house. We were running dangerously late- and on the first day!

I was struggling to clean up all the messes and pack lunches while my new husband slept in. He usually has to get up at about 5:30, but not that day- so I was faced with a dilemma: should I get him up and ask him to help me, or do I blaze through it myself, like I so usually do? I really struggled with this one, because the kids in question are my kids, not ours and he never gets to sleep in. (His kids were not home) I finally had to cave and ask for help, but not without guilt.

Course, I waited too longto cry uncle. I had to hustle, and drove the kids to school and parked in a muddy puddle to run them in. I was so flustered that I got one kid to her class room after the bell rang, and took off with her bag of supplies!

Interesting, isn't it? I spent years doing the single mom routine, wishing at times that I had someone to help me. Now that I got 'im, I feel bad asking for that help. I guess since I've done it alone for so long I think everyone expects me to keep that up. Weird.

Dream Wedding on the Beach

2010-08-31T13:57:00.001-06:00

Please excuse me while I gush like a school girl, but I married the most perfect guy (for me) in the most perfect wedding ceremony. I can't help feeling like the luckiest girl on earth.

A little history: I became a single mom in 2003, at the tender age of 28. I'm not exactly sure when it dawned on me, but I discovered that this meant I could get married all over again- and this time it would be on my terms.

Oh, the first wedding was ok. There was food, dancing and lots of people that I didn't really know. Being that I was only 20, and had no event planning experience and was quite hopelessly clueless, I left most of the details in my mom's hands, who passed them off to a wedding planner. I only cared about a few of these details, and my vote was quickly vetoed by the matrons in charge. It turned out, the wedding went nothing like I had envisioned, but my then-husband and I mused that simply meant we were headed for the perfect marriage. It's the law of averages or something. (Turns out that rule didn't apply to us... oh, well.)

Image my giddiness when I realized that I could do it all over again, only this time better... waaaay better. Next time, I decided, would be on a faraway beach: just me, my dream man, and any kids we may have collected. Weddings always seem to come with a heavy dose of drama involving who was invited and who wasn't, who has to sit next to each other and who can't afford to come. I wanted none of that. I didn't want to pour over stationary, flowers, menus or bridesmaid dresses. I just wanted to escape to a tropical paradise.

Well, I found my dream guy (times 100), and the wedding on the beach went off just the way I had invisioned it for years. I guess dreams can come true...

Alrighty Then...

2010-07-05T08:10:00.001-06:00

My fiance and I are getting married on the beach in Mexico, with only our kids in attendance. We went to great lengths to create an intimate setting, and to help the kids feel involved in this major life change. So, the other day my daughter and I were discussing my upcoming wedding plans. She turned to me and said "Next year, on our anniversary we should go to Paris!" Well, I guess the kids feel included...lemme figure out if this is a good thing.

Footloose and Fancy Free

2010-07-02T13:14:00.001-06:00

This Independence Day, not only should you celebrate our great country, but your own independence. You may not feel like it's worth a celebration, but as a divorcee you're free from the bonds of a dysfunctional marriage. No longer do you have to justify how you spend your money or time to someone else. When I was married to the wrong person, I felt like I was under a microscope all the time. My taste, parenting style, spending habits and personality traits were always under scrutiny. I wasn't happy to get divorced, but I have since thoroughly enjoyed the immense freedom that comes with it. Free to spend my money, free to choose where I work, live shop and play. I could go on, but you get the idea.

Don't get me wrong- marriage can be a good thing...with the right person. I'm planning to tie the knot with just that person in a few days. I knew he was right for me because he fully understands what freedom means to me. I found someone who values my dreams and goals and doesn't get in the way of me achieving them. So, even though I will be single for not much longer, I celebrate my freedom, and you should too. Celebrate the strong person you are, and all that is yet to come. Celebrate your new life of independence. Remember- this is your opportunity to reinvent yourself.

For more on creating your new life after divorce, check out: Moving On After Divorce

Ah, Parenthood

2010-05-24T22:13:00.001-06:00

Today I did a silly thing. I tried to workout while my two kids, 9 and 11 got themselves ready for school. I chastise myself for such illogical thinking now, but at the time it seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do. I made sure the kids were showered and dressed, and when they cam down to the kitchen for breakfast, I popped in a workout DVD in my room.

I had been sweating for no more than 5 minutes, when I could hear the distinct sound of bickering eminating from the kitchen. I told myself they could work it out. Minutes later, screaming and clattering reverberated throughout the house. I decided I needed to investigate. When I got to the kitchen, the floor was covered with Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It seems that my 9 year old had been flinging it across the room at her sister, straight from her bowl...milk and all. Of course, my 11 year old was totally innocent and had done absolutely nothing to bring about the cereal attack...uh, huh. At this point, I was mentally counting the hours they would be in school, away from each other, and away from me. Don't you just love parenthood?

A Mother's Day For the Record Books

2010-05-09T20:13:00.000-06:00

Usually this holiday is a quiet one, but I'm certain this particular one earned me a nomination for Mother of the Year!

On the Mother's Day in question, my girls were 3 and 5. I was SO sick that day, and begged my ex to take the kids, but he had plans. I laid on the couch most of the day, dead to the world. My next door neighbor turned on a fun sprinkler for the kids, and offered to watch my girls outside for a while.

Did I mention that my 3 year old was in the middle of potty training? Well, she had an accident in her swimsuit...the #2 kind. She came inside and I guess she figured she should clean herself up since mommy was totally out. She tried to rinse out the bottom of her swimsuit in the toilet, but flushed it instead! Then she entertained herself in the bathroom for a while by applying a stick of lipstick...to the walls.

Then, she decided to put on clean underwear and headed to her room. Her diapers and training pants were in the top drawer of her dresser...which was not anchored to the wall. (I know, I know)

The next thing I knew, I was jolted awake by a loud crash and a wail coming from upstairs! Adreneline kicked in and I ran upstairs to find my child pinned between her toppled dresser and bed, poopy bum and all.

Single moms never get a break, do they?

2010-05-04T10:41:00.000-06:00

I am starting to believe that my child is the single most forgetful person on the face of this planet...particularly when it comes to book reports. She has to write a book report every month, much to the chagrin of her mother. She never knows when it's due, what kind of book she has to read, or for that matter where her book happens to be.

In this particular month, I was 2 steps ahead of her. I found the teacher's schedule, telling me what kind of book she needed- a book with animals as characters. I found just what she needed laying around the house: Charlotte's Web. Already I had made one small victory, as we did not have to make a trip to the library and then pay for the book anyway after she lost it, which is pretty much inevitable.

She managed to read about half of the book before she lost it at school. On an outing with her dad, she bought another copy of the book with her allowance. (No, this was not her idea!) She read her book diligently for about 30 minutes, and promptly lost that book!

Here's what I wanna know: would it be inhumane to handcuff things like book report books to a child's wrist? Maybe I should invent some kind of tether...it's got to be better than tearing my hair out!

Care to comment? Please- be my guest!

Who We Really Are

2010-04-30T14:33:00.000-06:00

I think that somehow, we learn who we really are
and then live with that decision.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

I love this quote! It seems like some people bumble through life without ever figuring themselves out. Still, others learn who they are, based on what others think of them- and they just accept that. I think this quote is so empowering because of the decision involved. You decide who you really are, and what you present to the world, not the other way around.

Single Parents in the News

2010-04-28T13:37:00.000-06:00

Sandra Bullock Adoption Story

People magazine has reported that Sandra Bullock was in the process of adoption when she filed for divorce with Jesse James. Sandra is truly a class-act, and should make a terrific single parent role model. Go Sandra!

Damned Even If You Do

2010-04-27T11:52:00.002-06:00

Do what you feel in your heart to be right -
for you'll be criticized anyway.
You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

- Eleanor Roosevelt

What a wise lady! I can't help but think this is an excellent quote for single moms.

The job of parent is a constant game of stabbing in the dark. There are so many decisions to make for each child, and what works for one may not work for the others.

Even better- a lot of single moms have to make all the parenting calls themselves. With no one else to weigh the options with, single moms tend to doubt their decisions more often than not.

A sage friend has repeatedly told me that all you can do is make the best decision using the information that you have at the time. You may look back later with your current knowledge regret the decision you made, but you did the best you could at the time.

You have within you the capability to make the best possible decisions for you and your family. Listen to your gut- it'll tell you. Someone will always try to criticize; just do what's right for you.

All Squeeeezed Out

2010-04-26T12:40:00.001-06:00

Sometimes, as a single mom I feel like a tube of toothpaste that's been squeezed until nothing more comes out. By the end of the day, I'm spent.

Take the other day, for instance. I had come down with a cold, but had no time to slow down. I worked through the day at half mast, picked up my kids from school, ran a TON of laundry, cooked dinner and was still cleaning the house at 10:30pm. I just felt like I couldn't stop.

Finally, I made myself lay down on the bed and read a book...for fun! I realized that sometimes my drive is insane- relentless, even. However, it does make my downtime that much more rewarding.

Sistas Are Doin' It For Themselves!

2010-04-25T12:17:00.001-06:00

So, the other day my 9 year old decided she was going to do her own laundry. She did this without fanfare; just carried her laundry basket down to the laundry room, threw the clothes in the washer and set the washer to 'deep clean'. There was no soap, no sorting of the clothes, no fabric softener...just a proud smile that crept across her face when I realized what she had done. Well, her whites came out an artful bluish-gray, but they sure are sanitized. I found myself wondering what spaceship had come down, stolen my tra-la-la 9 year old and left me with a responsible kid in her place.

Random Thoughts of Gratitude

2010-04-24T12:38:00.001-06:00

Whenever you get to feeling down, try what I do: start a gratitude journal. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when you're busy thinking about and writing down all the many things you're thankful for. Even a single mom has plenty to be grateful for. Can't think of anything? Compare your life to someone in Haiti right now. There are plenty of things to be thankful for, if you just look around. I like to start my day by glancing over some of the things on my list. It starts my day on a positive note. I figure, the more positive my thoughts, the more good things will come to me.

Coping With Divorce

2010-04-23T15:14:00.000-06:00

Coping with divorce is like a four letter word to me. It's a survival mechanism, and yes you can push past it. Somewhere in the depths of your soul is the strength you need to lift your head up, and convince yourself you will find the silver lining in your life. You didn't come here to simply cope with divorce, not you. You came here to thrive.

What do you think of when you hear “coping with divorce”? Sounds like a victim statement, doesn't it? Coping with divorce is what you do when you're merely a passenger in the car that is your life. Honey, it's time to take the wheel and steer. I don't care if your survival plan is to put your life in jesus' hands, or maybe you really didn't have a plan at all when you got divorced. No matter what, it's going to take action on your part to realize your dreams. Don't go thinking that just because you're a single mom you can't dream. I know you've probably heard it before, but you really can do and have whatever you put your mind to. If you want to pray about it, fine; god expects you to work, too. Nobody ever got anything they wanted sitting at home, wishing and thinking about it.

Courage in the Face of Single-ness

2010-04-23T12:15:00.000-06:00

"Courage is the price that life exacts for peace. The soul that knows it not knows no release from little things." -Amelia Earhart

For me this is one of those life-defining quotes. When I was freshly separated from my soon-to-be ex, I bought a bracelet that spoke to me. It had a charm on in that read "courage". I thought that of all the attributes I could develop, courage would be the most important in taking on my new role as a single mom. I still do.

What was Amelia talking about, though? I think she meant that if you don't just go for it- whatever "it" is, you'll always wonder "what if". If you choose to hide away and simply let life happen to you, it actually causes more stress to the soul. Take charge of your life today. I know it's hard and sometimes scary being a single mom. You can do it. Use your courage to pull you through. It might be hard to find, but it's in there somewhere. Take charge, girl!

Does Any Kid Actually Make Their Bed?

2010-03-25T11:34:00.002-06:00

So, I had an appraiser come to the house today. She kept commenting that I am such a terrific housekeeper. I thought "yeah, I clean the house, but the kids seem to specialize in messing it up! As I gave this appraiser a tour of our house, we visited 6 un-made beds, with clothes, towels and toys on the floor of each bedroom. I pride myself on cleanliness and organization, but still have yet to find a magic trick to get kids to pick up after themselves. If you have, please let me in on it!