Avgar Ninja

Gifs for reference

noreply@blogger.com (Avgarninja) — Tue, 18 Sep 2012 03:35:00 +0000

http://i.imgur.com/f16YS.gif

Mysterious Disappearance

noreply@blogger.com (TokyoSexwhale) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 13:13:00 +0000

We acknowledge the fact that roughly 64 fortnights have elapsed since any further information was brought to this site. Yes, ninjas use convoluated time formats whenever possble. We've been busy with ninja stuff so quit hasslin' us. Not that anyone out there is even aware of our existence, much less this electronic communication portal. But that's the way it should be. The path of the ninja is fraught with soul crushng peril and solitude. And awesomeness, there is a large portion of awesomeness. There is never time for dillydallying with common folk. So disregard this post, if you so unlucky as to happen upon it by chance or magik, for if you knew of our existence, we might just have to kill you.

*DISAPPEAR IN PUFF OF CRAZY PURPLE SMOKE*

Phantom Poop Ninja

noreply@blogger.com (TokyoSexwhale) — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:20:00 +0000

The video below has a riviting, breaking news story out of that hotbed of ninja controversy: Idaho. It seems someone has been leaving special presents all over town, most notably under highway overpasses and near a Denny's. We'll refrain from delving into the intricacies of Denny's/Poop correlation theory, but needless to say, some people are offended by this. Furthermore, they have deliberately been trying to catch the perpetrator but to no avail. With my superior knowledge and wisdom, I know this is not a crazed vagrant nor a bleeding-edge artist, but just a ninja with some bad diarrhea. Our sympathies are with you ninja brother, may you accomplish your objective and thereby find a more peaceful place to poop.

If I had to guess, I'd say his target was a Denny's regular or employee. Probably that fat lady in the video. Good luck with your 'pooper stakeout' guys.

Gore Vidal Doesn't Play Around

noreply@blogger.com (TokyoSexwhale) — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 15:16:00 +0000

Gore Vidal, being the snarky old codger he is, was no-doubt forcibly sat down and questioned against his will by Deborah Solomon of the NY Times. By the way, Deborah Solomon anagrams to 'Honorable Sodom' so mull that over while you read through. The entire deposition is posted here in her Questions For series, but in the interest of internet redundancy we'll also post it below. We imagine that after the interview, Gore Vidal drank a fifth of cheap vodka, punched some strangers, and then had a nice restful sleep before getting up and repeating the process the next day.

-------------------~~~~~~~~~~~~-------------------
Q: At the age of 82, you will be publishing your new collection of essays this week, which seems likely to confirm your reputation as one of America’s last public intellectuals. Why do you think that critics have traditionally praised your essays more than your fiction, which includes “Burr,” “Myra Breckinridge” and 20 other novels?
A: That’s because they don’t know how to read. I can’t name three first-rate literary critics in the United States . I’m told there are a few hidden away at universities, but they don’t print them in The New York Times .

Are you saying your novels have been critically neglected?
I don’t even read most reviews, unless there is a potential lawsuit on view. I’ve never had much attention paid by critics — nor has anybody else in the United States of America, as Mr. Obama likes to call it.

And what about Mr. McCain?
Disaster. Who started this rumor that he was a war hero? Where does that come from, aside from himself? About his suffering in the prison war camp?

Everyone knows he was a prisoner of war in North Vietnam.
That’s what he tells us.

Why would you doubt him?
He’s a graduate of Annapolis. I know a lot of the Annapolis breed. Remember, I’m West Point, where I was born. My father went there.

So what does that have to do with the U.S. Naval Academy down in Annapolis?
A: The service universities keep track of each other, that’s all. They have views about each other. And they are very aware of social class and eventually money, since they usually marry it.

How, exactly, is your cousin Al Gore related to you?
They keep explaining it to me, and I keep forgetting.

What about your grandfather, Thomas Gore of Oklahoma?
He invented the whole state. It was Indian territory. There was no state until Senator Gore.

In 1968, during the Nixon-Humphrey race, you became the voice of liberalism in a series of televised debates with William Buckley. Any plans to be a pundit at the coming presidential conventions?
No.

How did you feel when you heard that Buckley died this year?
I thought hell is bound to be a livelier place, as he joins forever those whom he served in life, applauding their prejudices and fanning their hatred.

You live in California , where last month the State Supreme Court overturned the ban on same-sex marriage . As someone who lived with a male companion for 50-plus years, do you see this as a victory for equality?
People would ask, How could you live with someone for so long without any problems of any kind? I said, There was no sex.

Were you chaste during those years?
Chased by whom?

Are you a supporter of gay marriage?
I know nothing about it. I don’t follow that.

Why doesn’t it interest you?
The same reason heterosexual marriage doesn’t seem to interest me.

If we look at the situation apart from you
— It’s my interview, so we’ve got to stay with me.

Have you ever considered leaving the United States permanently?
No, it’s my subject.

Do you read a lot of contemporary fiction these days?
Like everyone else, no, I don’t.

Anyone in the 20th century you might have a kind word about?
Yes, I liked Italo Calvino, and I thought he was the greatest writer of my time.

Your new collection includes an essay in which you note, “Calvino does what very few writers can do: he describes imaginary worlds with the most extraordinary precision and beauty.” What about American novelists?
Can’t think of one.

Norman Mailer?
Oh, dear, we’re not going to go into pluses and minuses now.

Philip Roth?
Ditto.

I admire Roth. He never became complacent.
He had no reason to. He’s a good comic writer.

What do you think is your own best novel?
I don’t answer questions like that. Ever. And you ought not to ask them.

Well, it was a great pleasure talking to you.
I doubt that.

Interview Conducted, Condensed and Edited by Deborah Solomon

The Most Secret Spy System

noreply@blogger.com (TokyoSexwhale) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:08:00 +0000

Google Video and Youtube are hosting the entire History Channel episode of 'History Undercover' in which they explain the Echelon spy system. There's a few funny claims like Echelon is so super secret that no one inside the government will acknowledge it even exists. Which leads one to reason that this is either a blatant lie and the evidence is confirmed in some official manner, or the History channel has absolutely no solid, journalistic basis for this story and is literally just broadcasting unadulterated bunk. Chances are, they probably are just making it up. The government paid off the History Channel to do an "exclusive" and then put together a bunch of old scenes from telephone operating centers and early ARPANET systems. Listening to phone calls with satellites....ninja please. As if the U.S. would ever work in conjunction with their oldest enemy, the British, or cooperate with that perennial scapegoat Canada. In your dreams, people. By the way, the Lunar Landing was shot in sub-basement C7 of a military base in the western U.S. with Hasselblad data cameras that can't possibly withstand the radiation of space travel. Deal with it. Oh, and Santa Claus isn't real either. Sorry to burst your collective bubble.

Installments two, three, four, and five.

'Wanted' Screenshots

noreply@blogger.com (TokyoSexwhale) — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 21:08:00 +0000

Filmschoolrejects has just published a series of images from the upcoming movie Wanted. Needless to say, they are totally badass. Angelina Jolie has been up for nomination within the Ninja brotherhood before, but sadly, Tomb Raider sucked and her application for Ninja awesome-ness was denied. From the looks of this movie, she just might make it this time. Morgan Freeman's already a well respected Ninja so if nothing else, she'll get some credit for ninja-by-association.

Digg - A Microcosm Of A Wasted Heritage

noreply@blogger.com (TokyoSexwhale) — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 20:35:00 +0000

Digg is good for many things. Like finding things that circulated a few years ago or keeping up with the latest XKCD strips and Yahtzee videos. However, it has come to our attention that an alarming majority of people out there are morons who leave stupid comments and generally drown good stories in the mires of suck. But that's the beauty of teh internets.

More interesting are the comics and articles that poke fun at Digg, and then become hugely popular on Digg because everyone knows they're right. So then douchebags can write their douchebag comments agreeing with the comic/article that they are indeed, douchebags.

This story is a great example. It featured the image below from Drivl. As of this writing, that story had 4614 diggs and a whole lot of stupid douchebag comments. Another great Digg comic can be found here.

Avgar Ninja thinks ASCII Ackbars and blatant rickrolls are HI-larious but sadly immature. This is what your culture has embraced and encouraged. You would not last one second on the path of the ninja. And to teach you all a lesson, we are going to post a bunch of lines and pics from other forums so that you can always be reminded of your shame. This is your history, this is your heritage. We pity the offspring that will inevitably learn from your ways and continue the legacy of suck.

Check out this awesome video [Not a Rickroll]

I for one welcome our [robot/insect/zombie/etc.] overlords

F*CK The RIAA <-this one might have some merit

pwned

ROFLCOPTER/ZOMG/n00b/1337

New Season, New Music

noreply@blogger.com (TokyoSexwhale) — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 19:23:00 +0000

Ninjas don't ever take vacations per se, but our kill volumes substantially drop off during the summer months. No one is quite sure why, but it seems less people need killing when it's warm and sunny out. Now would be a good time to brush up on some sweet tunes so have an earfull.

Alternate Definitions

noreply@blogger.com (TokyoSexwhale) — Mon, 19 May 2008 21:22:00 +0000

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxershorts worn by Jewish men.

Via hystericalgypsy

Earth's Greatest Mystery Revealed: Anatomy Of A Balloon Dog

noreply@blogger.com (TokyoSexwhale) — Sat, 17 May 2008 14:27:00 +0000

Long have I pondered the inner workings of balloon animals and how their various organic systems might function. I've got a good concept of what a balloon snake or a balloon platypus might look like on the inside, but balloon dog was always just outside my mental grasp. Many thanks to Jason Freeny for enlightening me on the finer points of balloon art.

Via Laughing Squid

The Cure for the Common Crazed Soccer Mob

noreply@blogger.com (TokyoSexwhale) — Fri, 16 May 2008 14:19:00 +0000

Police in Manchester, UK have released closed circuit tv footage showing a crapload of ~~soccer~~ ~~football~~ stupid looking sport fans rushing some cops after a match. BBC News has the video here. You can also find stuff on YouTube

The Manchester police handled it pretty well, due to their familiarity with drunken asshole hooligan control techniques. However, I would like to make a sugesstion to Manchester's finest. If you guys had some ninjas on the rooftops/lurking within the crowd those people would be marching in lockstep, going home to sleep soundly, or possibly engage in acts of domestic violence. The whole place would be cleared out like 15 min. after the match was over, and you lads could be posted up in your favorite armchair, downing some brewskis, or possibly committing similar acts of domestic violence. Doesn't matter, my point is that you certainly must have some Ninja contacts somewhere. Use them! F'ing call up James Bond, keep that old fart on his toes. I will say that the amount of restraint you guys showed was impressive. Not to ninjas of course, but average concerned citizen guy is probably impressed. Seriously though, last week, some guy threw some trash at my head, and he didn't live to see whether it hit me or not. Hint: it didn't. So next time you're faced with an out of control mob, throw that restraint junk out the window and do it to 'em Ninja style.

Death To Small Annoying Dogs And The Corporations That Endorse Them

noreply@blogger.com (TokyoSexwhale) — Tue, 13 May 2008 21:17:00 +0000

There are a few things in life that awaken the Ninja within me and alter my usually genial disposition to one of remoresless killing machine. Haha, just kidding. I'm a Ninja...I'm always a remoresless killing machine. And the slightest thing will set me off on a frenzy of decapitation and unsolicited limb removal. This video was responsible for the deaths of 47 of my fellow co-workers today. Damn you Disney! And damn those little dogs! For fellow Ninja readers, don't watch the video if you have any loved ones/objects you don't want destroyed in the immediate vicinity.

This isn't over Disney....it is now my personal Ninja duty to destroy all evidence this film ever existed. It is for the good of society that you shall be unceremoniously stripped of your fancy trappings and left wallowing in your own despair. Prepare for destruction.

Addendum: Taco Bell will be spared a similar fate as they provide wholesome nourishment at affordable prices. They have repented from their ways and have curried the favor of the Ninja.

The Daily Musings of Shuruku Umezawa: Junior Salesman, Ninja

noreply@blogger.com (TokyoSexwhale) — Mon, 05 May 2008 20:21:00 +0000

Eric Feezell has beeen granted the great honor of transcribing the daily notes of Shuruku Umezawa, a Ninja employed as a junior salesman for a commodity brokerage. Avgar Ninja sympathizes with his plight and wishes swift death upon his enemies. His story is continued at McSweeney's Internet Tendency.

Monday, March 6

Began new job today as junior salesman at commodity brokerage firm. Took two hours for anyone to notice I had arrived at work. Receptionist lady, Fran, made facetious comment as I went on restroom break. "You're very quiet, Mr. Umezawa." No shit, Sherlock. I am a ninja.

Tuesday, March 7

Today at work no better than yesterday. I am being pressured already to do things I do not wish to do to make sales. Other salespersons say to me constantly: "Get out there," "Mark my calendar," and "Help me help you." I know not what such sayings mean, but they make me extremely uncomfortable.

I wish they would refrain from such horrible directives. I am tempted to mark furiously all of their calendars in shuriken rampage. Alas, though, this is not the way of the ninja.

Wednesday, March 8

Discovered beautiful girl named Alicia works in mailroom. Hung invisibly from ceiling and spied on her for 20 minutes before mustering courage to say hello. For this, I am remorseless, of course. Stalking is in my nature.

"Hello," I said. "I am Shuruku, newest member of sales team, stealth warrior trained in the ancient art of ninjutsu. You are?" "Oh, you mean like in Mortal Kombat?" she replied. "My boyfriend, Ken, plays that all the time on Xbox!"

Damn Ken. Damn that silly game. Will I ever live this down? Probably never. People still ask me for codes to Shinobi, and this confounds me greatly. Is not Sega Genesis long since defunct? This is ridiculous.

Thursday, March 9

Pushy woman from human resources demanded my presence at 11-o'clock meeting. I arrived punctually, making loud coughing noises to ensure I was perceived. She told me: Sit. Pushy woman proceeded to question my job application—specifically, previous job title of "surreptitious assassin/mail courier." For whom did I work?, she wished to know. And why did I not provide references? "I work alone," I replied. This did not satisfy her. Then, ninjalike, very cleverly and quickly, I clarified, "Freelance." "Fine," she said, rolling her eyes at me.

Pushy woman from human resources will never know how closely death's shadow hovered over her. I am baffled still that she would question the job history of one who lists "neck snapping" as foremost skill.

Installment one, two, three, and four.

Ninja Infiltration

noreply@blogger.com (TokyoSexwhale) — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 20:42:00 +0000

If there's one thing ninjas are obsessed with, it's getting into places other people don't want us to be. Killing is also very high on the list and may supersede infiltration as the primary motive at any given time. Fortunately for the modern ninja, there are some people who make a hobby of urban exploration and provide photographic evidence of their travels. Memorize these layouts my brethren, you never know when you might need to assassinate someone in an adandoned missle silo or on top of the Manhattan Bridge.

Ninja Respect to Undercity and Infiltration

GIS Image Project

noreply@blogger.com (TokyoSexwhale) — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 16:50:00 +0000

We're not quite sure just what the GIS Image Project is but they've got a crapload of images.

Abbott and Costello - Who's On First?

noreply@blogger.com (Avgarninja) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 15:41:00 +0000

Classic. Go St. Louis Wolves.

From their 1945 film "The Naughty Nineties"

Yahtzee's Take On The Console Wars

noreply@blogger.com (Avgarninja) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:08:00 +0000

I'm assuming that if you check any of the more mainstream social news sites [especially Digg] then you already know who Yahtzee is and what he does. If you haven't heard his banter before, it's scathing, slightly immature, and ever so British. More of his videos can be found here.

Via The Escapist

Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics

noreply@blogger.com (Avgarninja) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 19:06:00 +0000

Leave it to those crazy bastards at Cracked to take ordinary, un-assuming rap lyrics and turn them queer. Splendid, gentlemen. We only hope that some of those rappers don't keep ninjas on retainer. We enjoy your comedic stylings and would hate to have to ruin your pristine computer monitors with blood, fire, shurikens, or other ninja paraphernalia/crazy elemental powers.

Some gems include:

Jay-Z feat. Memphis Bleek: "Coming of Age"
The Lyric:
Jay-Z: Hey fella, I been watchin' you clockin'

MB: Who me holding down this block it ain't nothing, you the man ninja, now stop frontin'.

Jay-Z: Ha ha! I like your style!

MB: Nah, I like YO style!

Jay-Z: Let's drive around awhile.

MB: Cool, ninja.

Jay-Z: Here's a thou!

What He's Probably Saying:

I like you, you should sell crack for me. Here's a sign-on bonus!

What We Like To Think He's Saying:

Hey fella, I've had my eye on you for awhile, I like how you look in those baggy jeans. Let's go park somewhere and have sex. I'll even pay you!

*Editorial Note: Since I am not black, all uses of the N-word have been replaced with our own N-word, "ninja". Avgar Ninja has no problem with people of different races or creeds and judges everyone equally using the Modified Scale of Ninja Awesomeness.

Art. Lebedev Bar Code Art

noreply@blogger.com (Avgarninja) — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 16:00:00 +0000

Some devilishly talented people over at Art. Lebedev Studio are creating nice, high resolution bar-code themed images that make some of the best backgrounds I've seen in awhile. Check out their full lineup of posters here.\

What Really Goes Down At Indian Call Centers

noreply@blogger.com (Avgarninja) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 17:48:00 +0000

God Bless IT Outsourcing.

Why Can't We Be Friends?

noreply@blogger.com (Avgarninja) — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 20:29:00 +0000

Have you ever thought how awesome it would be if the console war was over? Can you imagine the Utopia that would be rendered upon us if Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo just worked together to make great products? We could have the high powered hardware of a PS3 with the fluidity of Xbox Live and unique/creative game experiences! Developers wouldn't have to spend forever coding for different releases and could focus on content and execution [two things regularly lacking in today's gaming society.] Here are pictures depicting how some gaming industry icons would look palin' around together.

Shigeru Miyamoto of Nintendo and Steve Ballmer of Microsoft.

Jack Tretton of Sony and J Allard of Microsoft

Via gamesradar

Consolers of the Lonely

noreply@blogger.com (Avgarninja) — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 19:39:00 +0000

Everyone knows Jack White is one bad ninja mofo. The Raconteurs first album, Broken Boy Soldiers, was solid listening. On their second album, Consolers of the Lonely, they make their case as one of the most original, technically proficient bands of the modern era. Have a listen to the title track below and let me know what you think.

Self Image

noreply@blogger.com (Avgarninja) — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 14:53:00 +0000

Incredibly amusing animation piece by Creature Comforts. Avgar Ninja would laugh at their words and then promptly eat them. Funny? Yes. Delicious? Totally.

Ernie Pintoff’s Flebus (1957)

noreply@blogger.com (Avgarninja) — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 15:12:00 +0000

This is a really great cartoon from the 1950's about a little guy named Flebus. [Think oldschool humanoid SpongeBob and add in some verbal deficiencies] Nonetheless, extremeley funny. Excellent representation of a shrink....maybe we're all just a little neurotic.

[Historical Note]
This cartoon was presented to the public in the same year that the Soviet Union launched Sputnik.

Batman bin Suparman

noreply@blogger.com (Avgarninja) — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 14:10:00 +0000

We can respect the sweetness of Batman and Superman separately. After all, we now know that Batman is totally a ninja. It's official. Welcome to the fold. Superman, not so ninja, but he could simultaneously do your taxes, fix all that busted stuff in your house and use his mind beams to destroy meteors from space while cooking a nice brunch. I'd say "hey Superman, you mow the lawn while you here? and he'd be like 'yeah, I'm Superman, I know how to work the mower.'"

But mixing the two? Superman's goody-two-shoe-edness just might outweight Batman's ninja awesomeness. The kid is from Singapore though so we'll concede he could be ninja. That smile definitely says, "I could take you out with some bamboo and then disappear in a puff of crazy purple knock-out gas."

Via Weird Asia News | Meatwad