Relationship Dilemmas

Before Asking for a Divorce, Ask Yourself This Question 4. Have I rewritten the story of our marriage?

2012-01-24T11:38:00.003-05:00

Am I consciously refusing to acknowledge the good in the relationship because of anger or unresolved concerns? Have I found someone “better” who makes me look at the duration of my marriage in negative ways that are unrealistic?

When you give up wanting to stay in the marriage, you often give up on the positives in the marriage. Thoughts and memories tend to just drift toward the negative and you forget all of the good reasons for getting into the relationship and staying there for as long as you have.

Tip of the Week

2012-01-23T14:54:00.002-05:00

The higher the expectations, the lower the peace.
Alcoholics Anonymous

Tip of the Week

2012-01-16T16:39:00.001-05:00

Marriage, like a submarine, is only safe if you get all the way inside.
Frank Pittman

Question # 3

2012-01-12T15:45:00.000-05:00

3. Is my brain thinking normally? Or is my brain clouded by interest in another person, a mid-life crisis or the single life?

We know that there is actually a change in brain chemistry for folks who have an affair. This change in brain chemistry brings about amazing feelings of euphoria or the belief in finally having found a soul-mate. As with all new relationships, this change does not last. Eventually calmness and normalcy return. It is only during a time of calm and normal brain processing that someone should even consider a divorce.

The same can hold true for a mid-life crisis. At certain stages in one’s adult life, there is often a period of wondering “what if? … “ and mentally or actually playing around with the idea of exploring a single life and new relationships. If this might be the case with you, a change in your marital status may not be the solution to the underlying angst. There are many different ways to explore change. Ending your marriage is a pretty drastic move.

Tip of the Week, January 8, 2012

2012-01-09T17:19:00.002-05:00

Take a vacation from worry. Determine a certain length of time …. A few hours, a day, a week and decide not to let worry hang around and interfere with your enjoyment of life.

If worry creeps in to your mind, try to put it away. If it won’t go willingly, write the worry on a piece of paper and tuck it somewhere that you can later find. Then get busy and do something else.

Before Asking for a Divorce

2012-01-03T14:03:00.000-05:00

Ask yourself these questions.

Question #2.

Have I examined the normal stages of marriage in reference to where I am or we are right now?

Do I know about the typical course of a marriage and where my spouse and I fit into that?

Are we having problems that are “typical” for couples at our stage of life and marriage?

Do I know what others have done to find their way through?

There is some truth to that old adage about a “7 year itch” and the “empty nest syndrome“ to name just two. Understanding and recognizing that phenomena can make a real difference in how you view your marriage.

Tip of the Week, January 1, 2012

2012-01-01T17:15:00.001-05:00

This is the time for resolutions.

As you think about ways to improve your relationships, consider some of these possibilities.

Couples:
Resolve to spend 20 minutes a day … every day … with each other just talking about your life and your day.

Parents:
Resolve to visit your children’s rooms, go into their space, for 10 minutes every day and ask about their music, their friends, subjects of interest to them as people, not to you as a parent.

Those going through divorce or death of a spouse:
Resolve to build your friendship network with people of the same sex rather than rushing to find a new partner.

Everyone:
Practice random acts of kindness.

Tip of the Week

2011-12-18T16:46:00.000-05:00

Holiday Presents

Holiday shopping is in full force. Many face the dilemma of what to buy. Often people think about what they want the other person to have, and not what they think that the other person would want. I have heard of many gift disasters … from pets to camping equipment to living room furniture. The giver bought what they wanted to have themselves rather than really thinking about the needs or desires of the recipient.

The recipient of the gift often feels hurt and disappointed because they believe that their wishes were not heard or were discounted and that the giver thought more about themselves than the recipient. The best gifts come from really listening to your loved one, thinking about them and their interests.

It is perfectly okay to ask someone for suggestions. Gifts do not need to be surprises. It is also okay to ask for suggestions from another who might know what they would like to have. The thoughtfulness is the most important aspect of the gift … and sending the message that the recipient is very important … and that you have heard them, thought long and hard about them … and picked the present because of what you think would really please them.

5 Things To Consider Before Asking for a Divorce

2011-12-13T13:28:00.000-05:00

Are you feeling unhappy in your marriage?

Are you considering a divorce?

Don’t move too quickly in asking for a divorce. Slow down and make sure that you have thought things through. There are several things that you should consider.

We are going to share with you five questions to ask yourself before you take the step of asking your partner for a divorce.

1. Have I done everything that I could do? Have I talked openly and lovingly with my partner? Have I asked for counseling and, if refused, gone on my own? Have I changed my own behavior rather than repeat the same old responses and reactions?

Most problems in a marriage are usually not the result of one person‘s behavior. Examining and recognizing your own part in the problem might lead to the changes that you desire for your marriage.

Check back with our blog and we will share 4 more questions to ask yourself. Please feel free to share your comments. We can make it a discussion.

Tip of the Week

2011-12-04T16:53:00.001-05:00

For one of your holiday gifts, talk with your partner about your proudest moments. Share with each other what things about yourself and your relationship that make you the most proud.

Tip of the Week

2011-11-28T13:39:00.001-05:00

During the holidays we often experience a high level of stress. Sometimes it brings excitement and fun and sometimes sadness and disappointment.

Find time to slow down and pay attention to the good things in your life right now. Try to think about which things are important to be doing, spending time, money and energy on … and which ones are you doing to impress or please another.

This time in your life, and in the lives of your relationships, will never come again.

Tip of the week.

2011-11-14T10:33:00.001-05:00

When you are in doubt, just take the next small step.

Tip of the Week

2011-11-07T08:56:00.000-05:00

Sexiness wears thin after a while, and beauty fades. But to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that's a real treat. ~~~Joanne Woodward

Tip of the Week

2011-10-30T19:25:00.002-04:00

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

"The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee replied, "The one you feed."

Part 2: The Stages of Dating

2011-10-27T17:13:00.000-04:00

Stage 3: Becoming a Couple, “Enlightenment”

During this stage of a relationship, hormones are calming down and reality sets in. Couples often go “deeper” in their connection. Trust is stronger and more intimacies may be shared at this stage as couples take away some of their “best face” and allow themselves to act more naturally and relaxed.

Both halves of a couple will notice weaknesses and differences or flaws. “Cute” habits might become irritating at this stage. Some of those perpetual issues or differences such as free-spending or frugal, neat and orderly or sloppy and disorganized, interested in lots of time together or more involved in outside activities begin to emerge.

At this stage of the relationship, couples will take note of the differences and may even begin to complain or attempt to problem-solve.

As intimacy develops between the two people, more self-disclosure emerges, both verbally and non-verbally as couples act in ways that are more like how they are in their daily life.

This is when the big question emerges even more strongly: “Where are we headed?“ Women have a tendency to ask this question before men, even though both may be wondering about the answer to this question. Pushing for an answer; however, may cause real problems in the relationship. Each person needs to listen to their own inner voice and wisdom. It is important to talk over their thoughts and feelings with their partner while finding ways to keep from “pushing” for commitment.

There is no need to rush through this important stage and every reason to go slowly.

Stage 4: Commitment or Engagement

At this stage in a relationship, couples should have a good understanding of their partner’s values, life style, and goals for the future. There should be a relationship with your partner's family and friends.

Open and honest conversations should be happening as couples plan their present and future together. Questions about children, finances, careers, future goals and lifestyle should be discussed more fully. Differences are normal and couples will learn about themselves and their relationship as they note how they handle these differences with each other.

This is also an important stage for couples to use to evaluate the relationship and their ability to be part of an emotionally intelligent relationship. Engagements can be broken much more easily and can clearly be a better decision than a later divorce.

Tip of the Week

2011-10-24T10:48:00.002-04:00

Dig the well before you need the water.

Tip of the Week, October 16, 2011

2011-10-16T17:03:00.002-04:00

Being the first one to listen in a disagreement is a good way to build trust.

Tip of the Week, September 25, 2011

2011-09-26T10:53:00.000-04:00

Change the time of day or the location when having a disagreement or fight. If you usually fight at night, get your partner to agree to only disagree during the daytime … and actually schedule a time for the conflict. If you generally fight in the bedroom (one of the worst places to fight) then agree to move all of your fights to the kitchen … or out to the back deck. If you have fought in every room in the house, then agree that all disagreements must be taken outside.

Changing the location and time can change the flavor and feel of the disagreement and help keep partners from falling into the bad patterns that caused problems in the past.

Counseling Relationships Online.com

Tip of the Week, September 18, 2011

2011-09-19T10:08:00.003-04:00

Soul mates are not found, they are made.

Stages of Dating

2011-09-14T10:14:00.000-04:00

Dating relationships go show common patterns. At each stage during the dating process, each half of a couple often makes a decision (sometimes more thoughtfully arrived at than others) to move forward or to end the dating relationship.

Some dating stages take longer than others to go through and some people take much longer at each stage. Unfortunately, some people don’t fully experience and process each dating stage as an opportunity for personal growth or to make a healthy evaluation about the relationship or about themselves. Others are more open and aware to learn about themselves and their choices during each stage of the dating relationship.

Dating Stage 1: Initial Meeting/Attraction

Dating relationships have to start somewhere. The initial meeting may take place over the internet, through friends, in a church or social group, at a party or bar or any one of a myriad of many different places.

Different arenas for meeting potential dating partners allow for different opportunities to get to know each other and see if there is enough curiosity or interest to take it to the next level which would involve arranging a second or third meeting.

Dating Stage 2: Curiosity, Interest, and Infatuation

During the second stage of dating, attraction and infatuation are most pronounced.

Early attraction often involves the physical attributes of the partner and include things like outward appearance, body type, interests and personality traits. At this stage, the attraction may not be too “deep” and each half of a couple is generally putting his or her best foot forward. Differences are not noticed or are dismissed with thoughts like “not a big deal” or “she will change”.

Couples generally do not have much conflict at this stage of the cycle as each is really trying hard to impress the other person. Often (not always) during this stage of dating, there is not enough “is this the right person for me” but rather more “what can I do to make this person like me?”

This dating stage may last for 3 or 4 months depending on the individuals and their maturity, experience and self-understanding. Towards the end of this stage, and hopefully at other times throughout it, it is not unusual for questions of “is this the right person for me” to emerge. For women especially there may also be a desire to figure out where the relationship is headed.

Going slowly in making any decisions about a relationship are more likely to be better ones than moving quickly (unless it is clear that the relationship is not a good fit).

We will share Dating Stages 3 and 4 next week.

Tip of the Week, September 11, 2011

2011-09-11T11:21:00.000-04:00

Finlandia

This is my song, oh God of all the nations,
a song of peace for lands afar and mine.
This is my home, the country where my heart is;
here are my hopes, my dreams, my holy shrine;
but other hearts in other lands are beating
with hopes and dreams as true and high as mine
My country's skies are bluer than the ocean,
and sunlight beams on clover leaf and pine.
But other lands have sunlight too and clover,
and skies are everywhere as blue as mine.
This is my song, thou God of all the nations;
a song of peace for their land and for mine.
This is my prayer, O Lord of all earth's kingdoms:
Thy kingdom come on earth thy will be done.
Let Christ be lifted up till all shall serve him,
And hearts united learn to live as one.
Oh hear my prayer, thou God of all the nations;
Myself I give thee; let thy will be done.

From the United Methodists (Stanzas 1 & 2 by Lloyd Stone, Stanza 3 by Georgia Harkness)

Becoming a Couple: Common Issues that Couples Experience, Part 2

2011-09-06T15:24:00.000-04:00

New couples also face a lot of other issues as they form a bond and a committed relationship. Here are two others.

Other friendships, even those that have not been romantic ones, can pose areas of conflict in dating relationships. Making time for the relationship while holding on to friendships and rituals with other singles, co-workers and old friends might get in the way of a developing intimacy and connection in the new relationship.

There can be many reasons why this can be an issue. It might have to do with information about the relationship that is shared with other friends. Sometimes friends are not supportive of the new partner and will overtly or covertly cause problems.

Other times, it is about how much time a partner devotes to the other relationships. Some people really like to spend a lot of time together while others value their independence. Meeting each other’s needs for connection as well as time alone and apart, especially when it includes other friendships and excludes a new significant other, may require a lot of conversation and negotiation.

Future plans for the relationship. Many often want to know where the relationship is headed. This may not be a priority for others who tend to make commitments more slowly.

Some want “clarity” or have a goal in mind for themselves and may feel an urge to move things along at a faster pace than others. Those who want to figure out where the relationship is headed also often want to talk about it a lot … and that is the last thing that their partner wants to do. The planning half of the couple may want deadlines or decisions before the other half of the couple really knows what he or she wants.

Whatever issues faced in a relationship, how each person handles the differences provides more information about the viability of the relationship than whatever their position may be. Each person should do their part in being half of a healthy dialogue and decision-making process as well as observing what happens with their partner.

Click here to read more of our articles about dating and becoming a couple.

Tip of the Week, September 3, 2011

2011-09-04T16:36:00.002-04:00

Love the one that you are with rather than the one that you wish for.

Tip of the Week , August 28, 2011

2011-08-29T17:32:00.002-04:00

Get over it. Work through it. Get to the other side of it. Turn it into something. Don't let it eat you up.

Tip of the Week, August 21, 2011

2011-08-23T11:18:00.001-04:00

The person who benefits most from forgiveness is the person who forgives.