Be yourself

On Mayday

2015-05-05T23:02:00.000-07:00

Lord, teach me to NOT WANT,

Not even spiritual comfort

Teach me to detach my desires from myself

So that I desire

Only what you desire

May 1st, 2015

Tonight I experienced a feeling I had not experienced in over 6 years. The last time it had been a cold night in Frankfurt. I felt like exploding and so I left the house after dark to go downtown. I felt like I was running but really I was walking very slowly. There was something about the city lights amidst the darkness that comforted me. Something about the searing cold helped me empty myself, pour out my soul into the half-emptied streets. The deafness of the concrete welcomed me, my silent cries bouncing off the steel, the glass, the modern facades… These lights shining in the dark drew me, and their reflections on the Main spoke of peace, hope, beauty. I wandered through the night, through the streets, seeking answers.

The moon stood as my graceful companion, without complaining...almost full, so open, so bright, so comforting. It was God’s way of saying he was there... in my anger, in my confusion, in my restlessness.

Sure, in times of discernment I always look outside to see beyond; I take long walks, seek places of quiet and solitude. Except that this time I am not just searching answers for myself, but for others. And I feel helpless not being able to help.

It may seem silly to do so, but only human.

I am reminded that everything in this world is passing… and I try not to hold on… not to question, just to trust.

Not what I desire Lord, but what you do… do with me as you will, to lead others to you…

Whose land is it anyway?

2015-03-16T21:22:00.002-07:00

You say kick them out
They don’t belong here
You say they steal your taxes
Yet half this land was Mexico’s
So who’s to say
That it’s not rightfully theirs?
California, Arizona,
New Mexico, or Texas
Once Mexico’s, once Spain’s
Once not even theirs
Once it was from natives,
Not yours, not mine, but theirs.
<>
It all depends how far back you go
But in the end, not yours nor mine
<>
And this nation pridefully says
We are a nation of immigrants
But hypocritically says stay out
We don’t want you here
But what do we say of the land we usurped
But what do we say to poor nations today
That are how the nations we came from once were
But don’t come here with your misery
Stay there and don’t have children
That will solve your problems
We don’t want you to come and flourish
We don’t want you to have the chance we once had
But I ask is this really yours to say?
I will ask you now
Whose land is it anyway?

La Mujer sin Alas

2014-04-05T14:18:00.000-07:00

Una vez, la mujer sin alas

Tiró una roca a la mar

Había visto estrellas,

Y conchas, y algas regresar

Había visto,

Hasta peces volar.

Ella pensó que vendría

Como un presagio, una señal

Con una historia, un comenzar

Tal vez un guapo joven,

La iba a encontrar

Pensó sin recordar

Que piedra a ella estaba atada

Y tiró ella sin pensar

Que ella misma se iba a ahorcar

La barca de aventura fue el soñar

Y estar anclada fue su error

Y aquella que al viento, a las olas susurró

Aquella sabia gaviota

Volando, diciendo:

La mujer sin alas
Se ahogó sin libertad

The Miracle of Simple Things

2014-04-01T18:59:00.000-07:00

The Lord works miracles in us through the simple things in life. Just as He worked a miracle through Naaman (2 Kings) by having him do such an ordinary thing -to wash himself! - he works miracles in us in the daily, ordinary, even banal, things. Maybe washing dishes, making dinner, cleaning up, not talking back, being organized, forgiving people, not critizing, whatever that may be. Naaman expected Elisha, the prophet, to tell him to do something extraordinary. He expected Elisha to touch him and then be miraculously healed.

When we come before God, when we ask for healing, for a miracle, for anything, sometimes we expect that same "out of body" experience that Naaman expected. We may think that we must do something extraordinary to experience or receive a miracle. But the healing of Naaman involves his own, and very simple, action. He must act to receive the healing, it's not a passive scenario where he lies down and Elisha does all the work to perform the miracle. By Naaman's decision to act, to do as he is told, God heals him. After reading this story we can be hopeful, because we know that God will ask us to do something that we can do.

Sometimes we don't realize that we do the extraordinary by doing the ordinary. It's not always easy to "just do the ordinary". We wash ourselves, we ask for forgiveness, we give up those things that are part of our daily lives to become better people. This is how some couples stay married for many years. It's not that they are experts in a special, obscure subject, but it's that they are good at the small things; at being grateful, patient, at forgiving and letting go, at listening, at sharing, at giving up things for the best of the relationship, at receiving and giving back, at taking care of each other one day at a time, and so many things that I have yet to learn about. The combination of many ordinary days of two ordinary lives become what we see as extraordinary: 20, 30, 40, 50 plus years of marriage. And that is how God makes something ordinary into the extraordinary.

Tears of the Sky - 2

2013-11-18T09:59:00.002-08:00

This is the other side/ second part of a story I wrote a long time ago (2004-2005). I wanted to put both stories side by side, but I can't find the original "Tears of the Sky". I will post it as soon as I find it. I hope you enjoy it, and please let me know what you think! All comments are welcome.
Enjoy!

The sky did not stop crying.

I sat on the mud, with my thighs pressed against my chest, my knees kissing my cheeks. My eyes shot toward infinity in the grandness of the canyon. I was sitting on the edge of this vastness, staring at everything and nothing, eyes glaring of emptiness because they could not absorb any of the beauty before me. All of the vagueness of the world sat there with me, lensing my view as a blur. It was as if I had been there before many times, and yet the unfamiliarity took grasp of me because I knew I had suddenly appeared there. It wasn’t a truly physical form of my body which sat by the canyon. It was my soul, a childish, young, hopeful, and innocent one, as clear and unreal as a vision. It was the one who lived long ago. In this look-out post, I could feel the immensity of the canyon. I could see all the paths and possibilities. I could hold my arms out and know there was freedom beyond the one step down the cliff. But no, I sat wrapping my knees with my arms. As much as I hated to admit, I didn’t want to let go. I was scared. What the world had promised turned out to be … a lie. But hey, I had so many dreams, so many hopes. I had not given up. I was holding onto my life. All the things I could do if I lived! All the joys, all the smiles. Now, if I wanted, I could dance around under the rain, say to the sky it’s tears of happiness I’m crying.

Then a gloomy figure came from behind like a shadow. I saw his face and I understood. I knew it was me. Me, me, me with that falling face, walking around like a zombie. I wanted to say stop! But I could not speak. He approached the edge and for a moment I knew all I was about to lose. But I was innocent! I still felt like a child inside. I had goodness in me, I was happy… I could be happy… and I was still alive. Before the young man’s last step I grabbed his hand and pulled him back. His eyes shot back, puzzled. That he didn’t know someone would care surprised me. Who wouldn’t stop him? But his eyes said that he had not expected a reaching hand. That’s how much he thought of himself. He kneeled beside me on a puddle as I drew him closer to me. I knew this phantom in this tiny child figure was not going to last long, since I could feel my fingers loosing grasp, like little tickles at the tips. I cried. I cried as much as I needed, until my eyes would bleed. I cried for all the people I would let down, for those who cared, for those who would be left with the burden of my departure. I hoped this man would understand, and through my tears shout the unfairness of the deal. He would kill hopes and dreams, and that eager child who played out on the streets would never make it as far as he had set himself to go. And so I cried blood to spare blood shed for nothing. I hugged him, my arms as an extension of a rope saying; “hold on tight, don’t lose your life, don’t lose your grasp”. But I could feel I was fading away. I was drifting into nothingness again, to the past where I belonged. Alas, my task was done, and I think I saw a smile as I left his eyes. They were crying too, like the sky. As I drizzled away, I said to myself, “tears of joy, oh sky cry with!” and so it did.

Dear Paris

2013-09-14T15:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Paris, oh Paris
with your smell of piss

It's not that I don't love Paris. It's just that it's been a while since I've "unromanticized" the city for myself. With experience and the help of somewhat depressing French movies, I didn't expect Paris to be the most romantic city. The first time I set foot on Paris it was a cold, rainy, and gray city. The fountains were frozen and turned off, the gardens were brown or bare, the air was so thick you could not see the Eiffel tower. I stared at the immense line of people under the most famous tower in the world, and I thought "There's no way standing in line for hours is worth it!" (it was -12C that day). So I didn't go up the tower... I didn't go up to be at an even more freezing top... Not even for the unviewable view that the city had that day.

That was what I got for going to see a city in January and think it would be fun to be walking around. I was there with a friend for New Years, and right around midnight on December 31st, somebody had pulled the emergency break in the subway, where I happened to be at the moment (on my way to the Seine river to celebrate!).

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining about being in Paris. I like Paris. I love Paris! But Paris is a city, a big city with lots of people, lots of smells, lots of good and bad things, lots of problems. As I walk down the metro I think "How wonderful it is to have an underground transportation system!". But at the same time I am reminded of other things as I see people asking for money in these tunnels, or as I get a good big whiff of the smell of urine mixed with who-knows-what. The tunnels reek of it, the streets do too. I also read Paris was the city with the record of most metro tunnel suicides. As I was walking today, I saw a man walking in front of me "pull over" to the side to pee by the corner! It wasn't the busiest of streets, but there were many cars and people around, businesses, and apartments.

One of the first French movies that I watched was "400 Blows". This movie does a pretty good job at de-romanticizing the city. Later, I watched "35 Shots of Rum". Both movies have a greyish scheme, one about parent negligence and abuse, the other about the monotony of the life of a family in Paris. They show the plainness of living in a city like Paris, the problems, the human faces that live and work there. It's not the typical touristic Paris, with the beautiful gardens and romantic candle-light dinners by the Seine. Paris isn't shown as a magical, extraordinary place, but instead a rather somber one. The beautiful thing of these movies and is that they show the human faces that live in Paris. And more than the streets, the beauty, and the astounding art of Paris, I will take with me the stories of people, and the history of those who walked before me on these same streets.

Dear Paris, I'll think of your people and not of your piss.

Three Famous Women: Child, Chanel, and Baker

2013-09-13T16:07:00.003-07:00

This is a recap of my first two weeks in Paris. I was determined to do some of the walks in my "Forever Paris, 25 walks in the footsteps of Chanel, Hemingway, Picasso, and more", so during my first two weeks I did Julia Child, Coco Chanel, and Josephine Baker's walks.

Julia Child

She lived in Paris in the 1950s, where she discovered her passion for cooking. Author of "Mastering the Art of French Cooking", she basically taught Americans how to do French cuisine. The picture below is one of the restaurants he used to frequent. It's close to the metro station Chatelet, and it's only about 15 minutes walking from where I live in Paris (Beaubourg). I also met somebody from the prayer group that works there, kind of a fun fact for me.

Coco Chanel

A fashion revolutionary, Coco Chanel had a pretty tough life from the beginning. At twelve, she lived in a convent and learned how to sew. One of my favorite feats of Chanel was her simplifying fashion. She managed to turn a trend of wearing elaborate hats that limited movement and required hours, numerous pins, and assistance to put on, into wearing simple and elegant straw hats.
The picture below is where her personal apartment was, on the third floor of 31 rue Cambon. It's still there, but it's not open to the public. Some of her first hat shops are all along that street, covering several buildings on that block.

Josephine Baker

Born in St. Louis, Missouri, in 1906, Baker arrived in Paris in 1925. A performer, Baker was a dancer, a singer, and even a comic star. As black performers were popular in Paris during the 1920s, Baker went from being in a "comedic side act in a country ruled by segregation" to being "the highest-paid entertainer in Europe". She loved Paris and she loved France, and even helped in the French Resistance during World War II.

The picture below is where she used to live in her early career, an apartment on av. des Champs-Elysees #77. The second picture is the Theatre des Champs-Elysees, where Baker performed her "Dance Sauvage" when she first arrived to Paris.

I hope you enjoyed these little summaries, although probably not as much as I enjoyed these wonderful walks. It was fun to walk in the footsteps of Child, Chanel, and Baker, three remarkable women.

*All the pictures above are pictures I took during my walks.

Reflection on June 30th Gospel

2013-08-05T00:56:00.000-07:00

There's a point in our lives when we realize that we have to make a choice about God.

Elisha was called by Elijah, Elijah perhaps foreshadowing Jesus' call.

It isn't that we shouldn't bury our dead, or that we shouldn't take the time to say goodbye to people. It's that it is so dangerous and so tempting to look back. Then we are also tempted to say "Tomorrow, tomorrow I will follow you". Tomorrow comes, and it becomes today, and the present is always so full of things to do, things to bury, things to say goodbye to. It's like saying "Lord, I want to follow you, but before I decide to quit my bad drinking habits, I need to get drunk just one last time".

We shouldn't look back when we say yes to Christ, but it's never that easy.

Thoughts On Adoration

2013-07-27T05:36:00.002-07:00

You have called me here. You knew the deepest, truest desire of my heart. I came thinking I was looking for one thing, and wanting this one thing, I discovered that what I really wanted and needed was something else. In the end, I simply desired to be with you. And the thought had crossed my mind, but I dismissed making that thought a reality, because I wasn't doing a conscious and intentional effort. I told myself I could be with you wherever I wanted to, using the excuse that you're everywhere, that you're in everything, and available at any time I wanted to be with you. Now I see my selfishness, of going to "see" you, talk to you, whenever and wherever I wanted. But in my heart, my deepest desire was still to be with you, such an honesty with blind eyes. I couldn't see you sometimes, with the same-old excuse of having no time.

Thank you Lord for drawing me here. You called me, and I finally made myself available, thinking I would see your face through others. Instead, you, yourself, pure and present, came. No one else was here but you, when I was expecting a group of people. Only You showed up. You were there, standing as I entered the church, waiting patiently. Waiting for me to see you face to face.

Here I am. I know it's not wrong to see you and expect to see you through events, people, and nature, but I forget sometimes what a blessing it is to see you face to face. And talk to you. And adore you. Thank you for calling out to me, like a good friend, for listening, for being with me. For waiting until I finally came to see you.

Some Reflections at the Canal of St. Martin

2013-07-19T09:41:00.000-07:00

I wish that I could see much more. But instead I see this dirty, smelly city. In a way, I wish I would know more of its stories, of its secrets, of its genuine charm. I've chained myself in my ways of thinking, and it's been long since I de-romanticized my view of the so-called "City of Lights".

I see the people of the city, having breakfast, lunch, and supper at their little brasseries. I see them on their squares and by the Seine and the canals, drinking wine and beer, eating bread and cheese. Smiling, talking away, making out. Sometimes I just want to be an observer. Sometimes a feeling of discomfort and unpleasantness takes over me, and I don't want to participate. "I don't want to live this life, I don't want to live this way" - I tell myself, even though no one is pushing me to do it, to go participate. I want to meet people, I want to socialize, I want to learn how people live here. But at the same time I'm overcome by this somber feeling of fatigue. It's tiring investing in people, especially when you're the outsider and you're trying to break into a group. People have no interest in you, and they don't want to bother. There have been times in my life when I've had to fight this very same feeling, and as I grow older and experience it over and over again, it becomes harder rather than easier to open my heart and open my mouth to start a new conversation. So I just walk, quietly, to discover a new corner in Paris I haven't seen.

I read there was this romantic canal in Paris called St. Martin. Maybe if I was with my loved one I would think or feel it was romantic. But all I see is this filthy concrete canal with metal, exaggeratedly arched bridges. The buildings on either side look common and unimpressive. I've tried not to expect too much of Paris in fear I would be disappointed. But this time I decided to take the adjective "romantic" at face value and it hasn't been true to its respective noun.

Other days I've walked through "common" streets and been surprised. I gaze at 150 year-old "hidden" buildings, and I'm awed by the amazing architecture. I wish I knew more about the styles - I'm learning some... I've learned a little about Baltard, Hausmann, the Belle Epoque... and I want to learn more... I imagine Paris, France in its more glorious days, or in the so-called Belle Epoque and I sincerely believe that Parisians have a treasure of a city. There is so much art, so much beauty, so many vestiges of history that you can still see and touch all around the city. But then, in a more global comparative perspective, I think about Mexico in the 1800s. Why do we not have 200 year-old beautiful buildings? Why do we not have feudal castles and centuries-old churches? Why are there no palaces?

I feel proud after realizing that we would have centuries, millenniums-old temples if the Spaniards hadn't destroyed many of them. And who would occupy themselves in building beautiful monuments and buildings when they were busy fighting for their independence? Then, independence wasn't sufficient for peace, and Mexicans had to fight invasions from the north (the U.S.) and the east (France) in the middle of the 19th century. Architecturally, the most "sophisticated" construction pieces in my hometown of Tampico are some New Orleans-inspired balconies brought from Europe at the turn of the 20th century that adorn the buildings surrounding the main plaza downtown (Plaza de Armas). Not many people know about these, and they are certainly not one of the most impressive features of Tampico.

Then I return to the canal St. Martin. In my eyes, it's neither beautiful nor impressive, and I realize that maybe that's why it's so full of Parisians instead of tourists.

She asks for a friend

2013-07-16T13:12:00.000-07:00

There is nothing to do
When death comes to you
She asks for a friend
But you don't accept
The request you deny
Not yours to reject

But it was yours the hand
Which closed devil's deal
You just didn't know
You thought it would heal
But. it. did. not.

You said I will kill
The enemy now
So you closed your eyes
Swung the weapon around
You didn't see who
Was standing behind

The blade didn't miss
What you wanted to protect
As if mad, as if blind
The one you called friend.

Take Nothing with You

2013-06-24T02:47:00.001-07:00

Luke 9, 3-23

3. He told them: “Take nothing for the journey—no walking stick, no sack, nor food, no money, no second tunic"

A few months ago, I reflected upon this passage because it really spoke to me. I've been wanting to share it since I wrote it down on a piece of scrap paper, so finally I took the time to type it out.

Being on a mission means taking nothing with you.

"no walking stick"
In my life, the walking stick or staff is something, someone to lean on. Thus, to me, leaving the walking stick behind means having nothing to lean on. In other words, it's leaving behind emotional stability. For me this is the hardest one of all, because when you are home, you don't realize how much support and stability you have. People hold you up (emotionally) and it's really easy not to notice until you leave your "crutch" home and then you realize how much emotional support was given to you. Going out into mission means that you might leave your family far away, that you might go to a place where you don't know anyone, or where you don't know many. It's humbling and it's hard to take that step because being "on our own" is challenging. Sometimes we want to put our full support on people, when really we should be able to let God entirely support us and lift us up, or at least help us walk without the need of an extra "walking stick". I'm not saying it's wrong to lean on people, but that God is calling us not to lean our entire bodies and entire selves only on people.

"no sack"
Our sacks might be filled with little treasures, material things, and comfort. We leave the comfort of our homes to serve... We leave the familiarity we so much love... like coffee in the afternoons, our nap time, maybe our social media life, or texting...

"nor food"
This is our backup plan, things that sustain us other than God. Trusting on ourselves for our own providence and sustain.

"no money"
In regards to money, I think money represents trusting on our own strength, our ability to receive an income. In mission, sometimes we might need to give up our income to be able to serve the Lord.

"no second tunic"
To me this represents our future plans, the things we will cover our lives with. Not bringing it with us is trusting God will provide. God will clothe us, God will protect us, spirit and body.

4, Living like Pilgrims

"whatever house you enter"
It is trusting your life in community. We don't enter into the homes of those who do not welcome us or who do not welcome Christ, for example in circles that reject Him. We want to lead a community of believers, we want to "shake the dust", the bad influences, but we still "testify" with our lives. We just chose not to enter in that life style of living as if God doesn't exist. We chose to "shake off" our bad habits, and live in the life and community God is calling us to live.

Mary and Joseph foreshadowed the life of mission at Jesus' birth, knocking on people's doors, asking them to let the Messiah in. We still proclaim the good news. We still knock on people's doors, not for us, but for Christ.

Later in the passage, Jesus tells his apostles to take up their cross daily (Lk 9, 23), but that first they must leave it all. So we have to trust in the Lord, in his providence, before we even start our way to Calvary. We cannot take up the cross if our hands are full.

So I've come to this conclusion, which comes back to verse 3: being on mission means taking nothing with you.

First Nights in Paris

2013-06-22T11:24:00.001-07:00

It was a night like this a few years ago when I first learned what a woman wants. It bore similarities with my current situation: I was with another friend and we were in Paris. Smiling and walking around, sometimes randomly talking to a stranger, or a stranger talking to us. We would demand what they had said, as many guys would sometimes blurt out something in French, something that with my little French I wouldn't always catch.

Finally, my friend got tired of laughing and playing around. At the end of the night, that's when she said: "these guys are just boys. I don't want any boys. I want a man." I was nineteen, not super experienced, so I asked what she meant. She told me you could tell when it was a boy or a man. That a boy would take a walk with you, sit on a bench (like we had just sat with a couple French guys earlier in the night, talking, flirting). "Boys don't want compromise, they just want to have a fun time. Men will invite you to sit down and talk, have a drink. They'll take the time to get to know you." I knew what she was saying was something more than that, but I learned from her to set my expectations high, because boys sometimes never grow up. From that time on I also asked this question in my head when I met a guy: is this a boy or is this a man? And secretly, though I was young, I wanted a man and not a boy.

Here I am in Paris again, knowing that I'm not looking for a man anymore because I already have one. I'm grateful because I know I'm so blessed to have found him, so lucky that he noticed me. I think about this as I remember what I learned in Paris a few years ago, how to distinguish a man from a boy. I think about this as I miss my man.

The fears of the unknown

2013-06-16T00:20:00.000-07:00

The fears of the unknown

I must say… I am a bit terrified. Somehow, this time, something is different. A lot of things are different. In the past, I was filled with hope and excitement, hungry for adventure. These last few days, I can only but wonder what will go wrong. What will go wrong, this time?

It’s not a pessimistic attitude, but a surrendering. It’s surrendering the fact that something might go wrong, something out of my control, something I cannot change out of the blue. I make a recollection of previous “adventures” like missing a flight, losing my luggage, airlines not letting me board… And I’m afraid because I already know by experience many of the possibilities of what could go wrong when you travel. Even then, I know that I’ve been truly blessed, because the luggage that didn’t make it with my flight was shipped to my door; I’ve made it back when I missed a (short-distance) flight (though I got home broke, of course); and I’ve managed to board transatlantic airplanes even when Lufthansa has just about refused to letting me board their planes (somehow I’ve been good at receiving the worst customer service from Lufthansa the two times I’ve flown from Europe to America). In the end, things worked out. I went through some tears, sweat, and stress, but it turned out alright.

I feel a bit guilty because I know I should have more faith, I know I should have more hope. I trust that God will give me some because those I cannot get on my own. Even as my heart and my “security gland” stretch and pull from all sides for discomfort, I cannot do more than my best and put the rest in God’s hands. I want to trust, I want to think “all will go well”, but looking at my past experiences that would seem too naïve. Instead, I repeat in my head “something might go wrong, but I just don’t know what”. And it’s ok. You cannot prepare for everything (in life), but it is important to know you need to gather the strength to face challenges when they do come. Because you know they are going to come. Thus, I ask for your prayers and the grace of God, so that I can trust and live this experience fully. So that I can be strong when the challenges come. So that I can love, and give back from whatever I receive out of this far-stretched but necessary step in my journey.

Yours,

Annie

The desert is about loneliness

2013-04-01T10:41:00.000-07:00

"The desert is about loneliness…"

This phrase, taken from The Valkyries, by Paulo Coelho, struck me immensely. I know I struggle with loneliness from time to time, and it seems so silly because I am really not alone. But it is more of a feeling than a choice, and so I sometimes cannot prevent my heart from feeling that way… but I can take it with open arms and turn the suffering and struggle into a growing experience. If I cannot do that, what good would I have taken out of suffering? And what good would it have been going to the desert? Or is it better to choose not to go? The challenge is choosing to go to the desert.

Because… the desert is about loneliness…

When I think about traveling, I am scared of being alone. Knowing I will meet people helps a little, but meeting people does not always mean developing true friendships. Traveling is sometimes like going away from everything I know, seeking peace, seeking growth. Sometimes traveling is a retreat. Sometimes it’s meant to be a desert. It’s meant to put me aside, and leave me, alone, so that I can reflect and come closer to God.

It is not that pretty to think of traveling and other experiences in our lives as a desert, because mostly, the desert takes form in things we run away from, and which hold a sadder, more estranged image in our minds. Most people would think of traveling as fun, and not as a way of getting away from people and the world, just as most people don’t think of traveling to the desert, away from comfort and civilization. The beauty lies perhaps in choosing to go into the desert of our lives, to be taken apart for a moment, to feel the empty spaces in our hearts, so we call fill them up only with God. That’s what retreats are about sometimes… deserts and loneliness.

Breathe

2013-03-25T22:17:00.001-07:00

When your chest feels like bursting

And just want to cry away

Like the rain on an autumn, cold, windy day

When your heart wants

exploding

balloon in thin air

to be nothing

to feel nothing

Today

I wish I could tell you to smile

I wish I could tell you to laugh

But all I can say is just breathe

All I can say is just live

And did I say, don’t forget to breathe?

Eyes tear up like the sky

Torn by the slash of lighting

News that came as a flash

Shot from unexpected camera

With an unexpected picture

If you could act, life would be a play

That is why all I can say is, be real

There is no wedding, no funeral

If it was comedy I’d say laugh

If it was tragedy I’d say cry

But drama, that’s life

So all I will say is breathe.

Happy New Year!!

2011-01-01T22:31:00.000-08:00

Sweet wishes from Mexico...

Hidy ho hello!!
How's everyone??
I bet everyone is just trying to catch up with all the commotion of the Holidays.

I want to wish you all a Happy New Year. I didn't want to go to sleep before leaving a post on the 1st of January. I wanted to post on December 31st, but there was just too much going on, it was impossible!! I barely got to speak to my boyfriend for a brief 7 minutes.
Anyway, all my best wishes to you, your family, and all you loved ones. May God bless you, keep you, and help you reach your goals and dreams for this New Year.
sincerely, and with lots of luv,
Annie

Walking home, alone, at night in Frankfurt

2010-12-19T11:12:00.000-08:00

I would put my gloves and hat on, and button my coat. I'd descend toward the underground light led by a pathway of electrical stairs. Minutes felt like hours, even if I had to wait only about seven minutes. I would dread sitting because the seats were always cold. I would dread it because it would make me feel so impatient. So I'd occupy my mind with songs, give six or seven steps to then turn around, repeating the same imaginary line until my train would come. My humming would echo throughout the tunnel, like that abrasing touch of loneliness and peace.
I did all these things by myself, I went all these places, and my companion was the subway. I would wait patiently for the sound of the train coming. I would hope I'd eventually have someone to wait with. But for now there was no way I could cling to this childish dream. I couldn't get stuck in an uncertain hope or wait for it to be happy or satisfied.
Finally, I'd hear the rails rumbling in the distance, crossing my fingers it would be my train to take and not the one going the opposite direction. On a week night it would usually be empty. I could sit to my choosing. I loved sitting by the window. Once the train was out of the underground I adored looking at the city lights, shining of endless possibilities. It made the night feel enchanted. I wished the train would leave me by the house, because I hated walking back in the cold of night. Oh, if it weren't cold I wouldn't have minded. I would dream and imagine, dreading the moment I would have to get back out into the cold.

When the stop would come, fifteen minutes of walking would be ahead of me. I would stroll by the houses, decorated with cute lights, showing off with a personal touch and unique expression. Friends would ask me if I was afraid to walk back home by myself. I would laugh and say that if I was slightly scared to walk by myself at night back home in Mexico, I was certainly not a tiny bit scared in Germany. And after all, I had never been unprotected, God walked beside me all the way.
First Picture (Entrance of Messe/Fair Station in Frankfurt)
Second Picture
Third Picture

What do I need to do to become an Au pair?

2010-12-07T10:16:00.000-08:00

There is not one cookie-cutter combination that fits all people who want to become an Au pair, but I would suggest these general steps:

1. Read about it

Yes, there is no better way to start your journey than by gathering information. The first thing you need to do is know what being an Au pair is all about. Start with general information, google it, and go beyond googling it! Read about what Au pairs do, look for testimonials, try to answer all the questions you have by searching for them. How much are they paid? What is their job? What do I have to do to become one? Also, if you already think this is something you might be interested in, find out what is required to go to your target country. Each country's regulations are different, so investigate particularly how the visa works between your home country and the place where you want to go (and check if they have a special visa for Au pairs).

2. Talk to people

This is often underestimated. Talking to people who have gone through that experience is incredibly helpful. If you don't know any one who has been an Au pair, you can always contact me and ask me anything you want. Or you can also leave a comment, and I will try to answer as much as I can.

3. Decide if it's the right thing for you

Going to a foreign country, learning a language, and getting paid for it may sound pretty cool at first, but when you realize being an Au pair is not a game, you might change your mind. Doing an Au pair year (or more) is an amazing experience, but it isn't for everyone. It requires a lot of determination, perseverance, patience, and most importantly, responsibility. If all you want to do is party everyday and not worry about your duties, you might consider being an exchange student instead... especially since they don't have to nanny!

4. Start looking for a family, and find one!
You can go different ways here. First, you could go through an agency. Some charge both the Au pairs and the families, and others only charge the families. It depends on which country you're coming from, and which country you're going to, so you have to investigate what is available to you in your country. There are also online agencies available. The second option is looking for a family directly. There are websites, like findaupair.com where you can make a profile and pay to see for the contact info of the families. I'm sure there are other free sites that allow you to find families directly. Sometimes finding the right family takes time, so make sure you started your search with plenty of time. I would suggest to start some 6 months ahead.

5. Choose you family carefully - or be chosen!

Once you start contacting different families, or they have contacted you, ask important questions. What do I mean by this? Well, ask what specific benefits you will be receiving, and what specific responsibilities will be expected of you. For example: Will they pay your language course, or part of it? Will they give you a cellphone? How many hours a week will you work? What is the schedule you'll have? Will you need to clean after the kids? Will you need to do laundry, or other house chores? This is important because all of these thing depend on the family. Some require you to do a lot of house chores, where as others want you to focus only on the children. Some will pay for you classes, and others will pay for part of it, or not at all, and so on. Some families will pay you a little more than the average, or give you a raise in the middle of the year if they really like you. But like I said, each family is different and those deals are separate than what the actual general responsibilities of the Au pair are. Make sure to reflect upon what is asked on you, and try to imagine yourself doing this for the time of your stay. Think about if it's something you'll enjoy - and hopefully learn from!
I strongly recommend skyping with the family, if you don't have skype, you should get one! Try to get the family to let you talk to the children, and if possible, chat with a webcam. Try to develop your relationship with the family way before the time of your trip.
Essential: ask the family to send you a copy of the contract! It is very important to go over it and make sure you understand it well.

6. Start the paperwork

This sometimes takes several months, so that's why I recommend starting to look for a family ahead of time so that you still have enough to get all your paperwork done. In step number one I mentioned it's important to find out about how to get a visa. Very soon, I will be posting specifically on the steps for getting an Au pair visa for Germany (which is how I personally did it). So stay in tune! Once you have confirmed with the family that you'll be going with them, and when your date of arrival will be, buy your ticket. Try to but you plane ticket (if you're flying) a good two months ahead if possible. Tickets are a lot cheaper if you buy them ahead of time, and in case you didn't know, Summer tickets are especially outrageously expensive - so search for flights with time so that you don't have to rush and buy something really expensive. If you search well, you can find pretty good deals!

7. Pack your things and start the adventure!

There is nothing more exciting than the beginning of a journey (except for maybe the end of it - but that is arguable!) Try not to take so much stuff with you, because you will accumulate along the year. Do take the most essential things: a variety of clothes; from a good thick coat if you're traveling somewhere cold, to a few pairs of shorts if you're going somewhere warm. Try to take a little bit of everything.

And good luck!

Upcoming posts:

Beware of scams my dear Au pairs, sitters, and nannies! More about these kinds of scams...
How to go to Germany as an Au pair: visa, legal paperwork and more...!

The Au pair Dilemma: should I trust an online-Family or go through an agency?

2010-12-06T23:38:00.000-08:00

A lot of people have asked me this before. Should I go through an agency, or is an Au pair website safe enough for meeting a family?

I'll start with my experience. When I began the adventure of doing research on Au pair stuff, I made a profile only in two websites:

1. Find Au pair
and
2. Au pair Agency

Now, of course I read information from dozens of pages, but I couldn't make profiles on all of them, since that would have taken a lot of time. The first site requires you to pay a certain amount of money, -back then I think I paid like 15 Euros for a 3-month deal; and they also have a full-year membership. They let you see the profiles of the families, but in order to see their contact info, you have to pay for it. Findaupair.com is not an agency, it is only a tool for meeting families and contacting them directly.

On the other hand, I didn't want to pay for an agency like Mex-Aupair (for Au pairs who are going from Mexico) because that was too expensive for me (the cost of the agency was 500 dollars then). I looked for an agency that wouldn't charge au pairs when they were looking for a family. That is how I found the second website. Aupair-agency.com is an online agency based in Great Britain. The family looking for an Au pair pays for the service while the Au pair doesn't have to. Anyway, after talking to my former host-family from Germany, they said they were not happy with the online-agency's service. But it if wasn't for that website, I would've never gotten the fabulous family that I did.

How did I do it?

So here it goes:

I am kind of adventurous, so I tried meeting a family online. I found a family (or actually the family found me) through aupair-agency.com. The good thing is I got to talk to them on the phone, and we exchanged pictures, and shared stuff about ourselves before I went over to Germany. Many people asked me if I was scared something would go wrong, or that the family wouldn't be nice, that I'd be stuck somewhere in a foreign country, or someone would kidnap me. And no, I wasn't scared... but maybe I should've been.

There are so many things that could go wrong with being an Au pair. But in the cases I've seen, sometimes even going through an agency doesn't guarantee that you'll get a nice family to work with. When I was living in Frankfurt, I met some Latin American girls who had come through an agency called Montoya. I heard so many stories about nightmare families as well as about irresponsible Au pairs... Many of the girls changed families very often because they weren't happy with the family they got - or the family didn't like them. Even speaking with other Au pairs, from the Ukraine and Russia, for example, I discovered that having an intermediary helps, but it doesn't guarantee that the relationship with your host-family will be great.

Stay tuned for more info about Au pairs, how to find a family, and what the best choices for you are! Feel free to subscribe!

Take care!

+Notes: Picture

You don’t need a lot of money to travel

2010-11-29T23:53:00.000-08:00

I know what you’re thinking: Yeah right!

But it’s true! Let me explain why. Although traveling does require a certain amount of money, it shouldn’t necessarily be a monstrous cipher. If you want to be treated as a queen and stay in luxurious hotels, yes, it will be expensive. If what you really want is to see the world, to experience adventure in the most unimaginable ways, and have some crazy fun while meeting new people and new places, money will not stop you from traveling.

I was talking to a girl in my Intercultural Communications class (back in March), and she told me she grew up in a modest home, without fancy clothes or sophisticated furniture. She was used to that, and didn’t crave a sophisticated living, but she said she had always wanted to travel. She saved money during high school, and upon graduating went on a trip to Europe and Asia. She later found a job in a travel agency. She said people asked her how she could afford to travel so much (she had visited more than 30 countries). The answer is simple, she explained, “I look at the other people and ask: ‘how can you afford the clothes you’re wearing?’” While some people spend their money on nice furniture, decorations, and brand-name clothes, this girl would rather spend her money on life experiences and traveling.

It makes sense to me because I am the same way. I saved some money to pay for my flight to Germany (which was like 500 US dollars), and took an extra 300 for other expenses. I was actually working as an Aupair, so I did have some income every month. Oh, did I use that money. Some of my fellow Aupair friends would send money back to their families, whereas I spent all the money I earned. It sounds bad, and maybe selfish from my part, but the way I thought is: if I’m in Germany I should take advantage of it and travel! It’s a lifetime chance; I didn’t come to save money, but to spend it on experiencing new places. The truth is I didn’t really travel all over Europe or all over the world, but I did get to see some of the most amazing places. Other than traveling in Germany, I visited Paris, Rome, and the Austrian Alps. It wasn’t so easy to travel while having a job, because I could only travel weekends (and one-week vacations). I couldn’t really see much in one weekend, and it would be very fast-paced so that I could be back to work on time. Most times I didn’t even have anyone to go with.

But it didn’t stop me from looking for adventure and traveling.

If it’s your dream to travel, pursue it. I’m sure you’ll find a way. I have a few suggestions, but you can always come up with great ideas according to your circumstances and what you like. You can save some money and do a mini-trip to anywhere you want. Nowadays there are many economic packages that include flight and hotel, some even itinerary. Even if the place is far, you can find pretty good deals. For example, I’ve seen flights from New York to Paris that are cheaper than New York to Texas. You just have to look. Other suggestions are looking for internships, volunteer work, and/or Aupair programs. From these three, you won’t have the freedom of going wherever you want, whenever you want to. Yet I can assure you, that you will get amazing life experiences from them, while being abroad and learning about a different culture. My last, but not least suggestion is to travel as an exchange student. You don’t need to pay for a hotel, because you will live with a family, but your real family at home has to agree on receiving another student in your place.

So don’t let money stop you from going after your dream! Go for the adventure!

How I almost missed my flight home from Germany

2010-11-18T08:50:00.000-08:00

I sit here and think: “has it been a dream?” It could have been… I will not touch, see, or feel these things again any time soon. Not the way I did.

The goodbyes cling to my mind as pieces of something that I never grasped, and just left hanging in the air. My body believes it, my eyes convince me, but my mind is having some trouble telling me that I really am back home. I’m back, but I’m not entirely back. A piece of me got left behind. It was not meant to be this way… I was so happy before coming. My friends could almost swear I had a half-face smile when saying I was going back home, especially after one tough year.
Now that I’m here, everything is like a big illusion. I’m the one out of place; things are not how they are supposed to be. What’s wrong with me? I’m supposed to be so happy. So much I can’t handle it. But for all the sadness I couldn’t feel or show in my pre-return to home, I got to feel it now that I am truly back.
As it happens with most things, it strikes me a little bit later. “Laugh with others, and cry alone” Suat had said. In presence of others I smiled because I was so happy just thinking I was going home. Once in the airplane, and with no looking back, I cried. I cried alone, hoping no one would ask, no one would care. I cried because it was serious now, the fact I wouldn’t see many of these people again, or at least, not any time soon; but most of all, I cried because I didn’t get to have a real good-bye.
It started with a party the night before my flight. We watched a movie, ate pizza, drank a bit (of course we couldn’t get drunk the night before my flight!!) We danced so much, we laughed, took pictures, and had a lot of fun. When everyone left, I did the rest of my packing, last few things I needed to get in my suitcase. Also, I needed to fit the presents: a few kilos of books and chocolate. It took me forever. I couldn’t concentrate. I was too slow. I hadn’t slept, and I didn’t sleep. It was 8 am before I was ready. I had to leave many things behind and throw away a great deal. I was supposed to meet Suat and the guys at 7:30 at the metro stop, but they didn’t wait for me. By the time Juliana, the new Aupair for the Jaecker family and my companion in my last week in Frankfurt, and I got to the stop, there was no one there, and I didn’t have my cellphone. We got to the airport at 9 a.m., and the flight was at 10:40 a.m. Juliana helped me with my luggage; without her I wouldn’t have made it to the airport. I tried to check in and the machine wouldn’t read my ticket. A Lufthansa lady tried to help us with the machine. Then she directed us to another counter. We went to the service counter and the lady there said my ticket was invalid. She told me to go to another counter, to see if they could help me, because she couldn’t do anything to help me. As I hurried to the counter the lady had directed, I saw Suat, with Daniel, Vanessa, Wadan, Sirak, and Carola. Suat came with me to the counter. The man there said I couldn’t fly with the ticket, it was impossible. My ticket was a round trip: Dallas-Frankfurt, Frankfurt-Dallas. What happens is, when you don’t take the first flight, the second one is automatically cancelled. I hadn’t taken the first flight, because I was already there… He said:
-          “I don’t know why so many people do that! It is not allowed. No airline accepts that. You can’t fly with this ticket, it is invalid and I can’t do anything with it.”
I only stared. I couldn’t believe it. I pictured Chrisi, my host-mother, who a few days before joked with me about not losing my flight. I couldn’t speak, I didn’t want to. I knew a one-way flight would cost a fortune. Suat noticed and spoke up.
-          “And how much does it cost one-way?”
The man couldn’t believe Suat was asking. He gave him a “are you crazy?” look and said
-          “It’s really expensive”.
-          “Well, how much?” – Suat repeated.
-         ” Three thousand and bla bla …” - I stopped listening
I didn’t want to know how much it really was. I started crying. Not in a dramatic loud way. I just let the tears fall to the sides of my cheeks.
-          “Is it possible to pay the difference?” Suat asked
The man looked at Suat in disbelief, like saying “you are not the kind of person who could pay the price for this flight”. Seeing the desperation in our faces he finally answered.
-     “Yes, but it would be two thousand bla bla… It is really expensive.” – He looked at us as if we were hopeless.
My imagination was playing with me. I wouldn’t go home now. I could see me going back to my one-year home, with my 3 suitcases. Hating myself, hating the house for being it, and not my home what would stand before my eyes.
I could hear the voice of the man in the background. I saw his lips moving and I understood what he said but I didn’t want it to be true. In his expression I could tell he believed I wasn’t flying anymore. Not today. I could read a big sign on his forehead that said “I feel so sorry for you guys”. I thought of my mom, waiting on the other side of the world. I thought of calling her, saying “Mom, I don’t know how much longer I have to stay in Germany, maybe until I can afford a ticket back”.
I snapped away for a moment when the man asked:
-          “Who’s idea was this? How did it occur to you?”
-          “My parents” – I replied in a low voice, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak anymore than what was asked. I couldn’t even ask for a little mercy.
I was so relieved that Suat was there, otherwise I would have stood there like an idiot in silence. My head spun. I wanted to close my eyes, go to sleep. I wished to wake up in reality, not in this nightmare. “What should I do now?” I thought to myself. Last week, it took forever to get a form from the German Department of Foreign Affairs that allowed me to stay in Germany until August 7^th (it was August 6^th). It gave me a headache to think I had to go back and say “Emmm… I couldn’t fly home, can I get some more days in Germany?” – Then I would probably get a juicy fine, because my visa was already expired. It had been for four days… that is why I needed the letter saying I still had the chance to be there until a couple more days.
-          “Is there another option?” – Suat demanded. The guy thought about it for a moment. Then he finally said:
-          “I could check in last-minute flights” – He dialed a number and couldn’t get through. Then he said they were always busy and was hard to get a connection with them.
-          “Thanks for the hope”, I thought… He finally got through the line with someone and told us:
-          “You guys are lucky, there is a flight for 377 Euros. Go to this counter at the end of the hall, give them this paper, tell them I sent you. They will be waiting for you.”
-          “Thank you, thank you so much” – I thought I said, or maybe it was Suat who said it. Maybe I just said it in my mind. I was so out of it.
-          “Guys, run! You have to hurry!” – and the man sent us away.
There was a lady waiting for us at the counter. She looked at us as children who’ve just missed a punishment from their parents.
-          “You are lucky. Are you paying in cash?” – My eyes widened. My heart sank. I had no money. Not even an account I could balance as soon as I got to the U.S. I had nothing. He saved me once again, Suat suggested:
-          “Can we pay with a credit card?”
-          “NO…” – I almost passed out. There was no way my friends would gather that much cash with what they had there. – “Unless it’s from Germany” – I heard myself sigh. I stared at Suat, he said “Don’t worry” with his eyes. Then he turned to Wadan, our friend from Afhanistan. Wadan handed out his credit card. The lady demanded an ID, but Wadan didn’t have one. Suat offered his.
-          “I’ll pay you back” – I said.
-          “If you want to catch your flight, you need to run. NOW! You must leave your card and ID here, but I need you two guys to come back and fill all the paperwork” – and she looked at Suat and Wadan with a menacing look. – “Now GO!!   Straight ahead! Check-in in the shortest line you see. HURRY!!”
Vanessa, Sirak, Daniel, and Carola were taking care of my luggage. I barely looked at them, I was passing out. I was still crying, nervous. I wanted to die. I wanted to wake up.
My hands were trembling before the check-in machine, and it wouldn’t read my ticket again. The same lady who had helped me with the machine minutes before, and had sent me to the “Lufthansa Service Counter” was there. She recognized me, and I tried to explain the story to her (she couldn’t understand why I was trying to check-in again when I should have done it at the service counter, about an hour ago!). She pressed whatever special code was given in my new ticket and finally reached me the boarding pass. I still needed to check my baggage in. I read the last-minute baggage policy and saw that it was 10 kg less than for a normal ticket. I started worrying even more and my headache just grew stronger. I took out a two kilo book and gave it to Juliana. I told her to put it with the other stuff I had left behind, that I was hoping I would get back some day. I could only pray the luggage wouldn’t be a problem. Thank God! The lady didn’t pay much attention to the weight of my suitcase. I saw her make a call to someone from the airplane saying she still had two bags for Dallas. I felt just a tiny bit relieved. She looked at something on her computer screen and after hanging up the phone she said:
-          Oh, one more thing: there is another flight to Dallas with a scale in Boston. It’s a couple hours later, but if you offer to take it instead, you get 600 Euros from Lufthansa. You just have to clear it up at The Gate. But you do need to ask about it, because you are on stand-by, and you don’t have a seat.
Sure, I wouldn’t mind flying a bit later. I would only need to call Mom and say: “Hey, I’ll be there a couple hours later”.
But my head was still spinning. I was still crying. I had put my sunglasses earlier because I didn’t want the others to see me cry. I couldn’t even look at them in the eyes. I could hardly even lift my head up, even now when it seemed as if everything would be fine, that I would have a little more time, and that I didn’t have to run to catch my plane. All I had to do was just take the next one, and be rewarded for it. I would have the time to say good-bye and thank-you to my friends properly, in peace, calmly. I would hug each one for one last time. I would feel the one year that passed with a different story, by hugging each special friend.
I knew something would go wrong. I knew in my heart it wasn’t going to turn out like I wanted to. Even with the Our Fathers and Hail Marys I kept praying in my head.
Suat was happy, he said:
-          “See, they will reward you for departing later. There is a Muslim saying “There is always a good reward for people who are good”. You see, everything will be OK.
I still wasn’t speaking much. In my head, I said to myself “this is not over yet, we can’t sing victory”. But I didn’t feel like saying it out loud. Wadan carried my carry-on bag at my side.
Once at the gate, we asked about the offer. The man there didn’t know, he said we needed to clear it up with Lufthansa “there” at the counter, which made it sound near. I went through the gate, not taking my bag. I was thinking “I’ll ask quick and come back and get it”. My friends called. Oh yes, my bag. I hardly looked at them, and just grabbed the bag from them. I still had my glasses on. They couldn’t even see my eyes. Those eyes which minutes before had told Suat I couldn’t take my glasses off because I hadn’t done my make-up that morning.
They stood there at the gate, waiting. And I… I left thinking I would have two more hours to say good-bye.
Once through the gate I asked the first person I saw about the offer. She said to ask at any counter. I went through control, fearing I might not be able to go back. But even then, I didn’t dare look to where my friends stood. It didn’t even occur to me. My head was a mess. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t think. At the counter they sent me to the end of the hall, the very end (where the gate to my plane was). As it seemed, it wasn’t true about “any counter”. It had to be “the counter”, and it was really far away. Or so it seemed. The hall appeared to be infinite to me. As straight as it was, it was a maze before my eyes. Colors and shapes were blurry. I didn’t want to do this, to be there. Most of all, I didn’t want to feel this. I felt like play-dough. Someone was messing with me, or messing me up! I was being shaped in so many ways; so many different shapes, maybe to see what I could handle. And I couldn’t put resistance, just accept the pressure coming from all sides. I felt so fragile, but I wasn’t braking. I was whole. Yes sir, I was all there, but being deformed until I couldn’t take it anymore; perhaps until nothing of me would me left, nothing but an unrecognizable shape. I imagined my head being squeezed between two big fingers. They pressed so hard, like waiting for me to give up. My head was about to explode.
It was 10:30 a.m., and my plane was leaving at 10:40. I reached the counter and blurted out the thing about the offer… The lady said it had been taken already. Shit! I had to board now. The picture of my friends popped into my mind, and flooded me with a streak of sadness. But I had known it somehow, and for a few seconds I thought I didn’t care, as long as I got into that airplane. I showed my ticket and my passport. As the lady studied it, the phone at her desk rang. She answered it and said “Yes, she’s in front of me”, and took a quick glance at me. She handed me the phone. For a moment, I thought it might be Suat, asking if I was alright, if I would be able to board.
A female voice was my great disappointment.
-          “Where are your friends? No one came back to pay. You can’t do that! You can’t just fly and not pay for your ticket!” – it took me a minute to react… it was the lady with the credit card and the ID.
-          “They’re at the gate”
-          “At what gate?”
I had forgotten all my German. I didn’t know how to explain it to her… which words to use…
-          “The gate. They were waiting for me. I think they’re still there, waiting…”
-          “Well, they need to come. Give me their numbers.”
-          “I don’t have them.”
-         ” They’re your friends and you don’t have their phone numbers? I don’t believe that. What kind of friends are th…”
-          “I left my cell phone. I had all my numbers there. I don’t know them by heart.”
-          “How convenient. It’s too weird you don’t have their numbers. Do you know at least your home phone?”
-          “No…” I said. I tried to explain – “I left my cell phone ” - (and all the numbers with it, and it went kaputt a couple days ago, by-the-way, which was too long of a story and too coincidental…) - “because I’m flying back home and I don’t need it anymore. I’m not coming back.”
-          “Well you’re not even going to be able to board without a number. I trusted you, I let you go catch your plane and you are not even paying for it…” – She sighed, and then continued -”OK. Hold on. Did you say you lived in Frankfurt?”
-          “Yes, one year…?”
-          “Give me your address”
That was the one thing I knew by heart. I told her.
-          “But if your friends don’t come back, I’m calling the police. I trusted you.”
-          “They will be there. They’ll come back. If you can, please call at the gate, they will see a group of about 6 young people.”
Still, the lady did not sound very happy and told me to hand the phone to the lady at the desk. I did as told and noticed the lady on the line still said something. The desk lady just stared at my clueless face.
Not sure whether I would be home that day, I looked toward the empty tunnel leading to the airplane. Everyone had boarded except for me. I stared back, as if asking “Will everything be OK? Will you let me board?”
The lady finally signaled me to go through. I showed my passport and ticket. They gave me a seat. I was really going through the tunnel, and it was exaclty 10:40 a.m. My seat was already taken, but I didn’t care. I was in the airplane. A flight attendant guided me to another seat, one in the middle.
I sat. I took a breath… and cried uncontrollably. I hoped no one would notice or stare. I didn’t want anybody to care or ask. I feared a flight attendant would come and ask me if I was sick. But I cried in silence and no one noticed. I cried for not saying good-bye, because I didn’t have a last glance of my true friends, because I didn’t even talk to them that day for being absolutely knocked out of my feet. I cried because they waited there, hoping I would come back to say good-bye. I had stood them up. A voice told me they would understand. Yet still, I couldn’t forgive myself for being so stupid, and so naïve. How did I think that once through the gate I would come back? I knew I couldn’t… I knew I wouldn’t…
I cried for the year gone by, for all I didn’t cry before…
My return to home was something I had pictured as exciting, fun, and unforgettable. The only thing I was right about was the unforgettable part. The fun part I even threw away, when I discarded the joke I wanted to play my mother, in which I would wear a blue wig when arriving to Dallas. I would have a laugh while looking at my mother’s confused and surprised expression.
What an excitement… I sunk in my tears for an eternal moment… until my eyes didn’t sink into tears anymore, but into sleep. I woke up an hour and a half before landing. My mom picked me up at the airport. Everything was still blurry… in my head.
I felt numb. I told my mom the “adventure” and burst out crying again.
The feeling of home did not reach me, but an indescribable numbness came instead, as if nothing had flavor… as if nothing had color. I couldn’t stop thinking about the friends I left behind. I was grateful I was home, don’t get me wrong. I was simply restless. The worse thing about the whole matter is that nothing had really happened to me. I got there. Everything was fine. Everything was normal. I caught my flight.
But something about me had changed and I knew it. This feeling took over me, a feeling that the dream had been over. As if this year in Germany had not passed. Yet I knew in my heart, that nothing would ever be the same again…

The First Kiss of Loneliness

2010-11-15T19:08:00.000-08:00

Written sometime in December 2008

It’s kind of hard to know what to write anymore. I feel like I’m stuck in a dream. Like I’m going on an endless trip, as if I was driving on a highway and not being able to stop. Like I’m looking at the window and I all I see is that I keep moving forward, faster and faster. So many things have happened, I feel I could never tell everything I’ve felt, thought and experienced. My head spins and thoughts keep going back and forth. So many things I just wish I could write them all.

It all goes back literally from the very beginning of this journey. At the start of this adventure from the moment I was on my own. It seems now like it happened so long ago, although it’s been only 6 months. I was in Charlotte Douglas International Airport in North Carolina. I had just gotten off the airplane coming from Dallas, where my parents had dropped me off and said good-bye for at least a good year. I still had to wait a few hours until my next plane so a nice cup of coffee sounded great to relax and wait. To prepare myself for what was ahead of me. To give myself into thought. So there I was at one of the many Starbucks in the airport, enjoying that one cup of coffee so much. It had a delicious strong flavor and it was really hot: like I like it. So hot I even burnt my tongue with it, but at that moment I couldn't care less.

I remember thinking about how I couldn’t cry when I said good-bye. I replayed the moment when I was hugging my parents for the last time at the airport, over and over in my head. It had been only a couple hours ago. I had been so close to crying, but I stopped myself. Why? I didn’t know at the moment, but I just couldn’t cry. Maybe I was afraid of crying, or of being sensitive or weak. The truth is, for me it wasn’t something sad the fact that I wasn’t going to see my family in a while. For me it was something new, something great, something exciting. The way I saw it, it was an experience that would teach me invaluable lessons, and being far from my family was part of this experience. It would make me stronger and value my family much more. Oh boy, did I ever know what I was really getting into. This was for real, there was no turning back, it wasn’t just a kid’s game anymore. I was feeling so brave at that moment, so fearless. So ready for everything and anything. So full of energy, hope and dreams. Yet I had no idea of how it was going to be, how I was going to become a better person, or find all the answers I was looking for, or even fulfill some of my dreams.
I can almost imagine me now, with that little sparkle in the corner of my eyes, head up high, with a fire in my heart and a desire to taste a new piece of life.

It seemed like time was going so slowly, because I sat sipping that cup of coffee for a long time. There I was for the first time, truly alone… Coffee and heart in hand. And although I was feeling really excited, I felt such a peace inside me. But I didn’t really know what was coming… I never imagined, that about 5 months from then, I would be sitting in a Dunkin' Donuts, on the other side of the world (this time having a cup of tea), but having the same feeling I had felt that one afternoon at the airport. The difference though, was that this time the loneliness I felt was absolutely real. It wasn’t a dream, and it wasn’t fun nor exciting.

It was quietly painful.

Why become an Au pair?

2010-11-10T15:10:00.000-08:00

Are you between 18 and 26 years old? Do you want to travel? Do you want to immerse yourself in a different culture, learn a foreign language, travel to new places? And at the same time earn a little money?
Sure, I think A LOT of people want to do that! There is one way of doing this I want to talk to you about, but it isn’t for everyone. If you answered YES, sweet!! But the next questions are also important:
Do you love children?
Are you willing to work, and live with a foreign family? Are you willing to adapt, and learn quick? And… are you patient?

If you still answered YES, then perhaps becoming an Aupair could be a way to achieve your goals.
What is an Aupair?
Aupair is often used as synonymous of Nanny, although it isn’t 100% the same. Usually, an Aupair is a foreign assistant who works for a family as caregiver. It is mostly common for an Aupair to live with the host family, but there are cases where the family will pay for a room or an apartment for the Aupair. An Aupair is given responsibilities such as childcare and house chores, in exchange for pocket money (a small monetary allowance for personal use), room, and board.

So here it goes. As a personal experience, I would definitely recommend being an Aupair. But I wouldn’t recommend it to everyone. While doing an Aupair year (or several) can be a life-changing experience, it could also become the worst year of your life if your goals don’t match an Au pair’s lifestyle.

HERE ARE 7 REASONS WHY TO BECOME AN AU PAIR:

1.        Learning the language:
If you’re learning a foreign language and are trying to figure out the best way to learn it fluently, living with a native family is an effective way to achieve this. Children are often good teachers. They point at what they want, repeat it, and help you learn a lot of vocabulary in a short period of time, especially if they only speak the language you’re trying to learn.

2.      Immersing into a different culture:
Being an Aupair is definitely a cultural experience. Getting to live with a native family is also something very special. Between sharing meals, learning the family and cultural values, and experiencing a foreign every-day life, you can get a fascinating and first-hand sense of the culture.

3.       Constant Income:
Being an Aupair is definitely not a money-maker, but it makes a huge difference if you’re receiving some money each month. I remember seeing some exchange students, who partied and had fun, and of course, didn’t have to work. In a way I envied them, but in another I was glad I could pay for my own partying (even if it wasn’t as much as theirs!), and not have to ask my parents for money. That was another thing, my parents couldn’t pay for me to live abroad, so working and taking a language courses at the same time worked perfectly for me.

4. Having a second family in a foreign country:
This is one of the most important and life-changing experiences you can have. Apart from the cultural and educational side of it, becoming part of a new family is something unforgettable. I knew German families were a little colder than Latin American ones, so I was not expecting too much warmth from my host family. Instead, I was surprised to find that the kids would come to me, and hug me! They wanted to talk to me, engage, and I felt very loved by them. One of the girls I was taking care of cried when I left Germany. But it’s important to keep in contact once you leave, because a bond like this can last a lifetime if you want it to, and if you make it happen. Having a second home in another part of the world is priceless.

5.     Traveling:
The places you travel to will depend on the place you’re living, the money you save or have for it, and your organizational and planning skills. Honestly, I’m terrible at planning stuff, beside the fact that I despise it. But even then, I did get to visit a few places once I was in Germany. Now, I didn’t travel around the world or anything like that, but whether you go to Australia or France, there are always ways you can move around to discover places that are new to you.

6.      Growing up:
This one goes in hand with earning money while you’re abroad. I was an Aupair when I was 18. Now that’s not precisely young, but it isn’t like one is completely mature at that age. So the fact that you’re alone, in charge of your own money, and have a lot of responsibilities on you (the children, your school!), does make you grow up, at least a little! And then you’re stuck in another country, it’s not like your parents can fish you out of a problem (unless it’s financial and they’re able to help you), and extreme experiences will stretch you in ways you can’t even imagine. It sounds a little scary, I know, but it’s fun and definitely a thousand times worth it.

7.      Opening other opportunities:
Being abroad will help you know people, and perhaps discover other interests that you didn’t know you had. It can also open the doors for future jobs, or for attending university there. It can help you meet people from different countries, and maybe even develop friendships deep enough for people to receive you in their homes when you come back. Then it’s like having a home in different countries!! Some people (especially girls) use their Aupair year to look for a boyfriend (or husband!!). Anyway, I won’t comment on that, but only state that that’s not what I did =P (Well, once you have a boyfriend, you close your doors to meet or flirt with other cute guys, right?)

So whether you think being an Aupair is right for you or not, please do you homework and read a lot about it. It helps a lot to be informed, and know what other people say about it, what it implies, and what it requires. That will hopefully help you decide if becoming an Aupair is something for you, and something you would enjoy.

Have an awesome day!

I'm one of those nannies, babysitters, Au pairs...

2010-11-09T19:52:00.000-08:00

I remember when I first heard about being an Au pair. It was the answer to my prayers. It was a way for me to learn a new language, to travel, to meet wonderful people, and experience a new culture. I googled the word and everything. I found sites for families, others for Aupairs, others with agencies. I didn't know how to start but there I was gathering all the info I could.

This blog is starting with a new concept. It will now be meant for nannies, babysitters, Au pairs, or just anyone who wants to hear some fun stuff about being a caregiver. This is especially directed to Aupairs. Being an Au pair myself, I know I had a lot of questions, like: how can I be an Au pair? Should I go through an agency or look for a family through the internet? Is it safe? Is it worth it? What are the benefits? What are the disadvantages? What experiences have people had in the past? Looking back at my own personal desire to find out more and find help in someone else with experience, I came up with the idea of making a blog about it.

Any person who has offered child-care is more than welcomed to share their experience, either in the "comments" section or as a guest writer (you can simply e-mail me with your story and I will publish it!). I'm really looking forward to people sharing their experiences, especially as Au pairs, so that anyone interested in being one can have a better picture of what it's like. I'm sure we'll find some pretty fun, as well as frustrating stories, but hopefully it will be to help us all. After all, I'm just one person, and all I can share with others is my experience; but I know each one of us has a different story to tell.

So please share!

To all nannies, babysitter, Aupairs, and caregivers in the world! Cheers!

Annie the Nanny