Diamond Girl

And another one bites the dust - AGAIN!!!!!

2012-10-26T15:08:00.001-07:00

I am bored out of my mind today - and I am surprised at how long it has been since I wrote on here. So here goes - what have I been up to? Well autumn is well and truly here, it's been pissing rain all day and I am so glad that I have been working from home today. I am such a miserable little thing when I have to go out in the rain - albeit I now have some hard ass rubber boots that make me feel like a military officer :)

People are starting to get ready for Christmas already and the party invites are out - I have bought my dress already and started my booty exercises on Monday night as it's rather 'form fitting' and I want to leave people with a nice impression! :)

So let's catch up on what happened with F&cknut! Yep that became his nickname a few weeks in - poor guy - feels kinda mean actually but oh well if the cap fits. So literally almost 4 weeks after I broke contact altogether and had found my 'happy' and in the words of Liz from Eat Pray Love, was feeling my balance, he text me - outa the blue - and asked how I was getting on - it was a complete shock to see a text from him as I honestly didn't expect to hear from him again. It was a breezy 'how are you stranger' which kinda gets on my wick a bit, that whole 'stranger' thing just gets my back up cos I wouldn't be a stranger of you hadn't treated me like a piece of crap. Anyways, you must know me by now, I text him back a few hours later and he replied telling me that he was looking for work.

So now my head is in a spin - is he reaching out to me cos he knows that I can help him find work - or is he telling me that he has time to take me out on that date that we had spoken about weeks ago. I took as being a bit of both - but decided that he wasn't going to get in my good books again that easy and make him work for it this time. Told him that I was not about to let him off the hook and would keep things 'business' for now and that if he connected with me by email and let me know the type of thing that he was looking for, that I would do my best to help him.

Days passed - and nothing - and I just thought 'can't believe this wanker is doing this to me again'. I text him and asked if it had all been a ploy to get into my good books again and he said 'no' - that it was genuine and that he had just been busy. Ding ding ding went the alarm bells in my head - if finding work wasn't a priority, how could dating me ever be one?

I told him straight up that I was not getting trapped by his BS again - and that he was full of himself - likened him to that gold foil covered chocolate in the Milk Tray box and made it clear that I was not falling for it a second time. His reply was humble - that I was the stunning one and that he was just a simple guy - the funny thing is I can believe that about him as it's what my intuition hit on when we met - but still not sure what to make of the whole thing. Is it not supposed to be easier than this? Why has it taken us 3 months of texting and f'ing about? Isn't it supposed to be easier than this. Oh and if one more person says that he's just not that into me, I will shoot them or myself! :)

I finally plucked up the courage to ask him out for a drink - told him that we could keep it platonic to avoid any pressure - afterall we may not have liked each other in the end - after all so much time had passed. He said it was a great idea and would next week work - to which I replied, 'yes of course, just let me know which day'. This was Friday - by Tuesday night I still hadn't heard anything and now I was furious and humiliated.

The only thing left to do was to send him a very nice 'get f'd' text message and shut the lid on this thing once and for all - so that it exactly what I did. I figured that if I didn't, weeks from now he would come crawling back from from underneath his rock and f'ing with my head again - just because he knew he could and because he felt like it.

I never expected to hear back - next thing my phone beeps - text from him saying that he didn't understand my message as he has asked for a date on Wednesday night and this was my response. I sat down and thought 'Oh f&ck - he did text me and I missed it - or deleted it - and now I have sent him that very nice 'go to hell and lose my number text' so there is really no going back from this. But then I had a sense that he was lying - I haev no idea why, but the thought just pinged into my head - not sure why - was it just denial cos it made things better for me - or is that my usual 'go to' cos I knew that I had screwed things up. We exchanged a few more texts - he said that the text was in his sent items, I said I never saw it and then I just said that this whole things had pretty much sucked from the beginning and signed off 'best' as that is something he does which drives me nuts!!!! Don't 'best' me - it's almost as annoying as 'take care' - you don't mean it - it's not what you really want - you don't want this thing to end so why give me the 'take care'.

My conclusion is this - the two of us have f&cked about for so many weeks over this thing and that there has already been so much emotional turmoil, that it seems hard to just break away from all of that and get to a place which is light where you can just meet for a tea or glass of wine and start from the beginning. Don't get me wrong though, I am gutted cos I really liked this guy - but it just got complicated - complicated by text - I am not doing that anymore. In fact I met a guy two weeks ago - let's call him F&cknut Number 2 - we text a little for 2 days and then I told him I wasn't into this text thing and that he could call me if he wanted to get to know me - he said that he would.

Of course I never heard from him again - no loss this time!!! But moving forward that is going to be my tactic - if the guy can't pick up the phone then he's not worth it and probably has a couple other girls that he is doign the exact same thing with. Texting has become an addiction - like caffeine, tobacco and drugs - we all wait for the beep of that phone like it is a drug - filling up that space in our lives - the space that was used before waiting for the phone to ring - or for that email - or FB message - what a crock - we have forgotten what it is to communicate with people on a soul to soul level - where you can hear the inflection in the guy's voice - hear him laugh and have that mmmmm feeling in your hear - now it's all LMAO and LOL - and it all seems so very very sad.

I would love to pick up the phone to F&cknut and just talk to him - have a conversation - but the truth is that after 3 months of not hearing his voice, and having no real sense of who he is even after all the details that we have shared, I would not even know where to begin. And he wouldn't pick the phone up anyways cos he would shit a brick when he saw my name :)

Oh and the real biggie here - do you think he did text me - or do you think he didn't - do you think I missed the text or deleted it by accident????? Questions - questions - questions! F&ck me - I am so done with all of of this doubt all of the time - why why why why why - why is my life full of 'why's? :))

Oh yeah, movie recommendation: Albert Nobbs, and a great show I have been watching is 'Homeland'.

Blame

2012-09-03T10:41:00.001-07:00

The reason why I look to blame myself Krystal is simple - because I do blame myself - because on some level I knew how he would treat me - I knew that he would get to a point where he had no value in me whatsoever - I knew that I would go back to him time and time again and let him destroy me - I knew that no matter what I intuited, or what my soul was telling me to do most clearly that I would keep going back for more - to be ignored - and treated like shit - to keep battering myself up against him - begging from the inside out for him to like me - for him to want me - for him to understand me - for him to talk to me - for him to just talk to me - for him to save me - yes, for him to save me - to save me from myself - to hold me by the wrists as I knelt on the floor and to pull me up - to carry me - oh please God, just to carry me just for a few steps because the load is more than I can bare most of the time - what I have done is too much - what I let happen was too much - what I let him do was too much - and I let him do that to me - I let him do that to me.

I used to walk up those stairs knowing what would take place - knowing that in just moments I would be looking up at that poster wishing I was somewhere else, somebody else - my soul so far out of my body that I am not even sure where it used to go. Why do I blame myself Garry? Cos I let him do that to me - I didn't stop him - I didn't tell him to get off me - I didn't stay downstairs with my Grandma - I didn't go into the garden with my GrandPa - I didn't opt to stay downstairs and watch TV - I went up there time and time again - and then you have the classic response that I was a child - and that I didn't know any better and that he should have known - well you know what every cell in my being intuited what was going to happen and I did nothing to stop it - NOTHING! I let him do that to me - with my cousins and my brother standing there - and you know what by God now I think I know why my broether looks at me that way - why he looks at me with those eyes - why he resents me and is angry with me - it's cos I fucking did nothing - how could he not have known on some level what was happening to me?

That's why he rejects me.

And all I want HIM to do it to appreciate me - to see me - to value me.

Fuck me I think what I have just written is the single most profound thing that has just made the most sense to me.

So what now Krystal? What do I do now to get passed almost 40 years of programming? What do I do to get passed the learned behaviour that is in my cells - how do I get passed how I have let myself down? How do I get passed the lowsy choices I have made? How do I forgive myself for the times that I have text again and again and again in the hope that this time, maybe this time he will like me - maybe this time he will send me a smile - maybe this time he will take me out for that drink - maybe this time he will make that effort - maybe this time he will ask me a question - maybe this time he will see me.

Two days ago I made a vow to myself as I held the photo of me when I was just 6 months old - sitting in my white dress - blue cardigan and little red shoes - I vowed that I will never ever let a man use me again - I will never ever offer my body to a man again who has not taken the time to look into my eyes and see who I am - I vowed that I will never again ignore my inner guidance - that voice that speaks to me and tells me that he doesn't value me - and now by God I am going to honour that vow. You see it's like this Garry, the more I begged him to see me and like me, the more I tried to force that to happen - the more I needed for him to understand me - to just talk to me and get to know me - the more he felt 'desperation' - it must have felt like desperation to him - it certainly wasn't what was coming from me - what was coming from me was the purest most innocent search to connect with someone - again to connect with someone beyond the need to just hop into bed - well we can conclude that it didn't work out for me this time.

And at this time I can only imagine who that 'successful' man will be - I'm not looking for your regular 'Tom, Dick or Harry' - I am looking for a someone who has embraced his own heart - has embraced compassion and does not run from love - someone who is ready to make a commitment to us - and every time he sees that panic in my eyes, the same panic that that bastard used to see, he will grab me by the wrists and lift me from the floor and carry me - carry me for the few steps that I need to be carried until one day I realize that it wasn't my fault - that I don't need to keep punishing myself - carry me until that moment I believe that the world is safe - carry me until I believe it is safe to love - until I am safe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYcXjJXxqVM&feature=related

Wishes

2012-09-01T18:41:00.000-07:00

They all come with lessons, these experiences called life. I came home last night after a couple of glasses of wine knowing exactly what I had to do, and it all coincided nicely with the 'Blue Moon' - not too sure what a 'Blue Moon' is but I do know that the night of a full moon is the best time to let go of old 'stuff' - to release. I removed him from LinkedIn - and how nuts does that sound, that one of the most painful things that I have done so far in years is to remove someone from my LinkedIn contacts - but so symbolic - I know that one day he will look as his 'whose looked at me list' and although he will see my name, I won't be there as a connection anymore. I wonder how he will feel if anything at all. You see for weeks now we have been playing a game of tennis, where one day he looks at my profile and a few days later I look at his - without an exchange of words. So I thought instead of being a dick, I would send him a text message - and did - and of course still no reply after 4 days. He probably had me down as some right deseprado by now - but in all honesty I don't care what he thinks as how could he know anything about me when we haven't exchanged anything but text messages in two months. But anyways back to the night of deleting him - and then I went and found the piece of paper that he had given me with his number on it - and thought about it long and hard before my fingers started doing the talking and shredded it and flung it in the toilet bowel.

Now let me be very clear none of this was easy for me - I cried and cried and cried - and cried even more when I went back and saw that the ink from the pen he had used had turned the water in the bowel a funny colour - I have no idea why that set me off. I have the contents of 2 Tesco's carrier bags hanging from my eyes today - and it doesn't really feel any better than it did yesterday. And I am still wondering and trying to make sense of why I have had such a tough time with this.

Why do we run from love - why did he run from love? Okay so if he ran from love then that means I run from love as he is a reflection of me otherwise I would not have attracted him into my life - and as I stood at the kitchen sink washing my dishes I remembered that as a child I would equate love to strings and attachments and some type of ownership and imprisonment - that some guy would some how trap me and want me to be his property - I have no idea why at such a tender age I had these notions. But that was it - the lightbulb moment - all the guys that I have ever truly fallen for have been the same way - here I am trying to love them and the more I love them, the faster they run - and run and run. Thinking that same thing that I did - that in some way I was trying to possess them, own them - take away their freedom.

Nothing could be further from the truth - I don't want to own anybody. I heard something said in a movie yesterday, some cheesy chick flick about the number of guys some chick had slept with - 'What's your Number' I think - and in it she says 'Being In Love Means Being Yourself' - never a truer word spoken - aren't we all just looking for that 'special' someone that will ove us just the way we are. I feel like I am off topic as my thoughts are all over the place at the moment.

Anyways when I woke this morning there was no regret - there was no 'Oh fuck what have I done?' as I know that I have done the right thing. I popped on my laptop to play my meditation music - it is something that I have started to do just recently as I feel that it is important to create that space for serenity and sanctuary to come into your morning so that it sets you up for the day - and I carried on looking at the links and my fingers found the most beautiful video I think I have ever seen - and a song that plays toward the end. OMG it is like 'heart music' - it also sounds like the most beautiful piece of music I have ever heard.

I've had it on replay all afternoon.

I'm going to say it and I know that some of you will think that I am crazy - but I think I was in love with him - and I don't mean the sticky love that comes from those words that people say often times when what they mean is 'don't ever leave me as I don't know what I would do without you' - it was the unconditional love that had opened up after my 'dating and sex' session 2 months ago - you see the thing is my heart was WIDE OPEN - probably the most open it has ever been - and I was happy that night when we met in that club - and when I saw him, I feel the connection instantly - and to hold him felt like the most natural thing I have ever done - and I didn't want to jump him - it felt purer than some base need to screw - I felt like I had found what I had been looking for - and even if just for those few hours when my heart stayed wide open and I have no recollection of saying goodbye a part of me wishes that we hadn't exchanged numbers - that all this fear and baggage had not had space to take root to destroy all that love. And I would have smiled at a memory instead of feeling this clamp in my chest right now - this heaviness that keeps me grounded in pain. But what I wish more than anything else in the whole world is that I had never told a soul about him - not a thing - na-da - I wish that I had not opened myself up to their doubts and their experiences and their bullshit - that's what I wish.

So that is my take-away from all of this - for once in my life to keep shut - and to listen to my own guidance.

I have attached the link to the song that I found this morning - the lyrics are beautiful - and if you go to the second link you will hear it play alongside the awesome video I found too (play it from 48 minutes along until the end if you are pushed for time). Is there ever a doubt that He guides us to find what we need just when we need it? I don't think so :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdCRtQTL6LM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEk0bamXv6k&feature=related

Dream Crushers

2012-07-22T17:34:00.001-07:00

Two weeks ago I was out and about 'hitting the town', wearing my lovely new clothes that I had bought from the UK and my 50's inspired pink heels that I had spent time and effort on with a hair dryer to stretch them out so that they would not completely 'kill' my toes by the time the night was over. It started off being a pretty drab night as people just weren't getting into it and of course with that, I became more and more anxious - forever the worry wart and hoping that everyone was having a good time.

Finally on the arrival of 2 of my girlfriends and countless shots of 'Patron', the party livened up. And before we knew it we were all in a limo driving to the Downtown core to go to a nightclub that I hadn't been to in all the years that I had been here. We walked in, and I looked around, kids of all ages, shapes and sizes, some drunker than others and all seeming to have fun. It really was a very rowdy crowd. And then as we hit the dance floor, out of the corner of my eye I saw a guy full on checking me out, eyes the most intense I have ever been witness to before and I felt that for a split second I had been put under a trance - the seconds seemed to drift in slow motion - and he moved around us and walked off with his friend. I thought nothing more of it and we danced some more and got drinks and settled in a spot not too far from the bar.

There I was boogeying and bopping away having a jolly old time - turned around and there he was sitting there on a stool, looking at me as some girl was stood inbetween his legs giving him the come on for sure. I thought it best to let them crack on and carried on dancing and glancing over every one in a while just so that he knew that I still had him covered :)

Over came a very drunk 20 year old boy who was trying to ask me for a dance, but barely able to stand and gob smacked when I told him how old I was, he moved on :) So then back to my guy, still chatting to the girl, still giving me a 'once in a while' glance - so I waited and waited. At long last, she turned around and walked away and I knew that this was it - this was the time to out all the previous night's seminar work into action - to embrace my 'inner slut' and to be open to love again - so I just thought f**k it - I'm gonna go and talk to him - which is exactly what I did - 'hi my name is........., how are you?'. He was lovely - just lovely - not some ratbag dude just looking to get laid - I could feel the sincerity in his eyes and he just grabbed my hand and rushed me to the dance floor.

Hand on heart the best dance ever - and we just hugged - it was so so beautiful - he didn't make a move to snog me or do anything besides be` in that moment - and after we just went back to our little spot and held hands like teenagers. And then hugged some more - I wanted to kiss him so bad, but my friends were kinda front row and I thought it tacky, plus I feared that the room would start to spin as I had had quite a lot to drink by then.

He didn't have his phone on him so he wrote his number down on the back of a receipt - and I did the same thing - "I'm not ringing you first" was the very next thing that I said - I was determined that I wasn't going to chase his ass - and we smiled and hugged some more. Then the lights came on - the night was over and I had to get my friend home as he had almost fallen asleep on the stool. So the guy and his friends left.

Next day I text him and he replied and said "I want to see you again really soon" - that was 2 weeks ago - so that was a bloody long 'really soon'.

But let me also add this, every single person that I have told this tale too, and I wish to God that I had kept my gob shut, has had something to say - dream crushers the bloody lot of them - yes it is not their fault for trapping off but mine for listening, I did the same thing with the Slovenian. And I have now in the space of just 2 weeks sabotaged it, pushed him away, he's probably just shy of thinking that I am a loony toon and won't touch me now with a barge pole. So we have had "Oh well, at least your heart is open again and if it doesn't work out blah blah blah", "Oh he must be out fucking a blonde that's why he hasn't called you", "Oh you mustn't have any expectations", "Oh he's just not that into you" and the list goes on and on and on.

And here I am thinking, do I do this to you? Do I shit all over your happiness when you tell me a story? Do I sit there and judge and throw your shit back in your face. 9 times out of 10, I am confident that I do not. In fact I have been called Pollyanna more than once as I always have a positive spin. So listening to this bullshit, and with the now impregnated seeds of doubt, I have fucked it up. Cos let's face it I don't deserve a happy ending, I will not find my prince and I will be the one paying for sperm one day.

I feel like nobody believes in me anymore, they question my guidance and my intuition and to make things worse, I end up doing exactly what they say - so perhaps they are just reflecting my own doubts back to me.

So Friday night was the last straw as I listened to an old friend over drinks banging on about how I should date some more guys too and out myself out there - not have any expectations - to which after 3 hours of badgering me I just finally said "I wish you would just shut the f&&k up". Of course he hated me for it - stormed off after he said that he will never talk to me again. So there you have it, no guy and one less friend, potentially.

Happy now? Happy that I can be that same person that I have always been - would a change in my circumstance threaten you so much that you have to keep crushing my happiness...........................all I ask is that you think before you say something next time or as my Mom says, if you`ve got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all`!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My dear friend Alex passed away a few days ago, I already miss him dearly, I know that he would have said `Homes, take no notice of those bastards, and do what makes you happy`. I hope that wherever you are Alex that the sun shines on you every day, every moment of every day, I miss how you made me laugh.

I`ve fucked up again Alex.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbu672bwBjo

Wooden Heart

2012-05-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

It always looked the same - the walls - the blue on the walls - with the white white ceiling with the white trim - the closet in the bottom right corner - the desk - the cassette player - the lamp - the tape cassettes under the bed - the boxes - the crap - the mounds of crap - the almost thread bare carpet - the pink quilted cover on the single bed - pushed up on the top right corner of the bed - and her - there she was staring up at the ceiling - staring at the 'Santana' poster on the wall with the picture of the red mountains - and 'Santana' written on the top right on the frame - legs spilling over the side of the bed and with her back on the bed - 'God where are you?', 'God where are you?', 'God where are you?', 'Grandmom, why don't you come up the stairs, why don't you stop this from happening, why don't you get him off me?', 'Please get him off me', 'Please make him stop', 'Please get him off me'. He had her pinned to the bed. Staring in her eyes - hard and pressing into her small frame - she didn't know what that hardness was - but it felt wrong - whatever it was felt wrong. And then turning her face this way and that - she was trying to escape from his advances - from his mouth as he forced her to kiss him - 'If you kiss me once, properly, if you kiss me properly I will stop', 'Kiss me properly and I will stop'.

She stood in the back garden watching the ants crawling up the red walls of the red brick enclosure - she could see the pink and the yellow of the roses that were also crawling up the walls - walking over to them she picked the most beautiful of them all - in her attempt to touch it she caught her 6 year old hand on a thorn - and the bead of blood began to form a trail down her palm. It was then that she made a decision - a decision that 'life was cruel, life hurt' - in that searing heat she ran inside and tumbled on the couch, she peeled melon pips in her mouth to eat the seeds - TV on - she learnt that Elvis Presley had died - he was dead - the guy that she loved was dead - she continued to pop melon pips in her mouth, peeling them between her teeth while Granny made dinner.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTjkPAZvcWw

The Illusion

2012-04-01T18:23:00.001-07:00

A deep sadness has loomed over me for weeks now - weeks - days - hours - minutes - night after night just me, myself and I - and my questions - lots and lots of questions. You know when you have forgotten what it feels like to belly laugh - and find peace? I haven't heard a peep from the guy - not a thing - not a text - not a missed call - nothing at all! And yes, you have to have as sense of perspective - but I'm sure we've all been there - I can't help getting back to the same point, if I just knew what had happened, why he changed his mind, in fact if anything changed, or did he just not have the gumption to follow through - would it not have been fair just to let me know that he made up his mind and decided to stay in the situation that he was in? Or should I just assume because of the silence?

One evening this week, I was sitting here watching the 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' - honestly it's just about the only time that I stop thinking over and over and over - I think half the reason I do that is cos I have nothing else going on - it's different isn't it when you're around family - life happening - or kids to cook tea for - or errands to run - or friends popping by - just something - life? And I was so lost in my thoughts seconds after the show finished, that I knew the only way to stop the 'monkey mind' was to do my meditation - so that is exactly what I did - I prayed first that God point me in the right direction - provide me with some answers.

I lay down in bed and talked to myself - as I used to when I was a little girl - and I listened to my story - bottom line is is that I am feeling really really hurt - I'm hurting - maybe because I am feeling rejected, not good enough, abandoned or just plain confused. How do you go from such a lovely day to an exchange albeit over the cell phone to 'nothingness'? I was so confused. So I started to look at the situation from the outside - away from all the fantasy - and illusion - the illusion and fantasy tale that I myself had created. And it came to me - crystal clear - I had created this whole story - making him the 'ideal' - 'the one' - the one I was meant to be with - the foundation of that being the amount of times fate had brought us together - surely that was proof enough!?! But then stepping out of the illusion and the movie that I had created, I asked myself 'so how would it really go now if he did text me, how would it go if we did meet up for a drink?'.

I am not sure that there is a single thing that he could say to me that could compensate for the hurt that I have felt over the past few weeks - not a thing - even 'sorry' would miss the mark unless he was about to own his stuff - and then would we really be able to sit there and have that candid a conversation? And then imagine the coffee date, lying there I pictured it - even with all the pleasantries, part of me would be hissing - again hurting over the time that has passed by and him leaving me with 'nothing' by way of closure. Smile on my face - but deep down I would know that he has done something to me that feels so cruel - because it reminds me so much of how the Slovenian treated me - and with that knowledge you know the something that I know? I know that he could do it to me again and again and again. Once bitten twice shy. I have been driving myself crazy insane over someone I know nothing about - I don't know his favourite colour, movie, song, food - nothing!!!!! I haven't even touched him - and here I am creating an illusion. Putting him into the deluded picture of bliss that I have in my head that never materialises anyway.

My definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I figure bollocks to him - the story and the illusion - bollocks to that story I had written and high time that I found me a new one - one that is forged in reality - where I actually have a 'Happy Ending' for me! And now what, what will happen when I see him at the next work event, or the next Xmas party - well I'll do what I know how to do - I will glaze my eyes over and look straight through him as if I am looking through a window - and he will never ever know the hurt he caused me - the hurt I caused me.

I remember a friend of mine once said to me 'you only have to get it right once' - I guess my panic is will I ever get it right at all?

And I hope now that I can finally wake from the sadness that swept over me for days and days and days.

Apart from that not much else has been going on - not that I've been aware of anyways - I have bought myself 10 hot yoga classes and will do my best to get back to classes over the long weekend. All my favourite shows have started up for the spring, 'Mad Men' and 'Game of Thrones'. Work is going well - some challenges but nothing too crazy. The cherry blossom is out and the leaves are starting to bud on the trees outside my apartment window which is super nice to see. Spring is finally here :)

I found this link during the week - how timely :) Have a lovely week.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYPK985IQYM&feature=related

Sometimes he really does knock on the front door - part two

2012-03-18T19:51:00.001-07:00

So where were we? Oh yeah - so we've just got back from the morning out of the office - and I received a text message from him cos I had left my water bottle in his van - have I said this before? I can't remember. So he had sent me a text to say that he had dropped it off upstairs for me - I joked with him saying that it has just been a ploy cos honest to goodness the thought had crossed my mind to do that so that he would be in touch :) I didn't think that I would actually leave it there in my angst as I was falling out if the van :) I text back the next day asking him if it was quiet without my nuisance, and it just went slowly but surely from there. All week saying nice things to each other - fun things - and by the weekend we were still in a good spot. Of course it felt wrong though too knowing that he had this weekend away planned with his girlie - but it's like anything that feels good, you just don't want to give it up!

The weekend was strange though - I felt us dis-connect - not sure if it was my own insecurities or what - my own doubts - and projecting my stuff on him - but not hearing from him that day, all the thoughts in my head began to come from a negative space - like I was playing an old movie of stuff that has happened to me in the past. So yep - I created it by expecting it. Monday I got that text that he wanted to do the right thing and take a step back until things were sorted out with the girl. At first I was mature about the whole thing - until my ego took over and I then sent a text that was a little 'bitchy' - and of course not long after I got the dreaded 'maybe this ain't gonna work' rubbish - so there you have it - I'd f**ked it up - royally. I was a hot mess for days - thinking back on it and wishing to goodness that I had never said that to him - but it was too late now. And that is pretty much where things have been left for now - I haven't heard from him since - and in all fairness I haven't said anything either. I could of course kick myself for the way things are at the moment - but one good thing has come out of it, at least now I have been able to deal with all the emotional stuff that it triggered.

I hope that we do get to talk some time soon - it would be an awful shame if that really was it - f**king nightmare this relationship stuff - when will I ever get it right and stop acting out? - out of panic and fear - cos that is what happened. Wish I knew what triggers that - I get like that a lot actually :(

I went to see my tarot lady last week and she saw him in the cards straight away - so let's wait and see if what she said comes true :) I'll keep that under my hat for now.

This posting is gonna be a short one - I know that's lame but it's late Sunday night and I am feeling a bit on edge for some reason and am gonna head to bed and do my meditation - feeling anxious for some reason.

My friend has also introduced me to another guy - from Toronto which is freaking miles away - but it does act as a distraction - he does send an awful lot of text messages though - too many in fact - I think day one I got about 30 messages and the same on day two - all or nothing isn't it. It's kinda freaked me out a bit - I mean who has all that time to be texting? - don't know why people don't just pick up the phone and talk to each other. I said that too. He sent another one today about noonish, but I just said I was heading out the door - otherwise 2 more hours of thumb ache.

So that's me - nothing too crazy to share - I've been mega busy at work - working on some really senior stuff and am in a really good place :) Happy that the days are longer - our clocks went forward last week - so spring is in the air and the cherry blossoms are out already.

Okay - that's all for now - have a lovely week - and now that my evening shows are all finished I hope to be writing more often again! :)

Sometimes he really does just knock on the front door

2012-03-06T19:54:00.002-08:00

I was sitting there at the end of the table waiting to be told who I would be out on the road with - clock had just turned to 7.55am and I had a face like a smacked bum - I had been up since 4am - sketched out and pissed that I would have to do this thing, this 'ride' thing for the whole morning. Truth is, I was just being a princess. I had got a cab there to avoid the risk of parking and having to walk in the pissing rain - it was absolutely chucking it down. And just as the clock struck 8, in he walked and my heart near fell out of my chest as I turned away, telling myself 'be cool, be cool' - don't look at him - my eyes would have given the game away - I was suddenly thrilled to be there and praying in my head that I would end up in the van with him.

Months ago, in fact back in September of last year there had been something up with my digital cable box - so it meant that sometimes I was able to get the movies on demand, and other times I wasn't. So working for a cable company and all, my colleague set up a service technician to come out to my home and find out what was going on. So I waited - and waited - and waited - until finally just before the close of the 5pm to 8pm window, I got a call from the 'cable guy'. By now I was in my comfy clothes, hair up in a bun and probably not even a scrap of make-up on my face, I can't quite recall - I do hope though that I had taken the paper-clip like hair grips that I use to keep my fringe from my face off :) And in he walks - this 6 foot something piece of 'lovely' was standing there in my apartment - and all I could think was 'F**k I look a mess' :) He was training some other guy, so there were in fact 2 of them. He was very factual and knowledgeable and of course I shared the fact that I worked in the Downtown location of the same company - and of course neither one of us could over step a boundary due to the work thing - plus the fact that there was another guy in the room too. So he said that he would call me in a couple of days to make sure that everything was okay.

And in fairness, he did call, and I did think that that was one great bit of customer service - but maybe he felt that he had to do that as we work for the same company. I didn't call him back - didn't see the point - afterall what would I have in common with a technician? - I do know how awful that sounds in hindsight - but it was how I justified things at the time. I did tell my colleague how 'fine' the technician was and left it at that.

Just a few weeks later we had our quarterly meeting just across the street - must have been about 300 of us in total - some of us from the office and some of us technicians - and yes, you guessed it - he was there! I was kinda hoping he'd see me, but it wasn't meant to be and there was no way on earth that I was going to go up there and introduce myself to him - but my colleague got a look at him and agreed with me - a fine and very lovely guy :)

Which leads me to the Christmas party - I was stuck with 'Mr Boring' all night - my colleague had obviously taken some sleeping pills before venturing out that night - he was such a bore - I wished I had taken one of my girlfriends with me so that I could have danced and had a laugh. So just as we're about to leave, there he is again 'Mr 6 foot 2' chatting to some guy - so I just stepped in there and introduced myself - he remembered me which was a good thing - no honest - he really did, he remembered the job that he had done at my place - so that really was a good sign - but with 'Mr Boring' at my side, who he would think was my date, I had no chance of taking this thing any further AGAIN! 'Mr Boring' did suggest that we stay on a little later and I could make a play for him, but I just wasn't in the mood - plus my feet were KILLING me!

So that brings us to me sitting there at the end of the table awaiting my 'ride' partner - and wishing it would be 'Mr 6 foot 2' who still hadn't noticed me - he was just 3 or 4 feet away from me as he got something out of his locker - but I still turned my head the other way. And then holy moly, my wish was granted and over comes the lady telling me that I was heading out for the morning with 'Mr 6 foot 2' - JACKPOT!!!!!! I was ecstatic - but kept my cool - grinned at myself in the washroom mirror like a cheshire cat and waited for him to come and sit down - then as soon as I opened my mouth, he recognized me and blushed - awwww :) Perhaps he was on the same track as me :)

So off we went - me buckled up in the front of the van - brolley in tow - pissing rain - blissfully happy. And I just told myself that I was totally going to put myself out there - let him see how much fun I could be - have a laugh :) So that's exactly what I did - I had a great way of getting in there to find out if he was single or not - just started talking about the lack of decent men here in Vancouver, the perils of dating and the certain perils of online dating - so of course that got the conversation in full swing. I asked him why guys give you their number and then never call back after they've asked for yours' online - and what's with this 72 hour rule - all these dumb dating rules - playing games more like.

Anyways to cut a long story short we had the best time - covered a lot of ground - he was an absolute gentleman from start to finish - opening doors for me - even held my brolley over me at one point so that I wouldn't get wet - we giggled - we laughed - and we shared - oh and then we had lunch together - it was there that he told me that he had had the best day EVER! Wowser!

Okay so there was one thing - there always is isn't there? - he had met a girl just a few weeks ago and they had planned to go away for the weekend to figure out if this was worth pursuing or not. My tummy took a tumble and I felt sick - history repeating itself - right from my first ever crush when I was 16 years old - and he too had some chick that he was dating. Second fiddle again! But for some reason this time it felt different. But hey that doesn't mean that I didn't do everything I could to f**k it up - of course I did - all my stuff came up and all those old wounds were left wide open again - and I was swirling in panic mode in just a matter of days.

We'll talk about that next time - I have to run cos it's late and I want to read before bedtime.

Bye All :)

Authenticity

2012-02-12T17:56:00.000-08:00

So here we are, Sunday afternoon in Vancouver and I can hear the rain and the cars travelling up and down the street. I have just read some of the news on Whitney Houston - how sad - I remember when she 'came out' when we were just teenagers - 'How Will I Know' and 'I Want To Dance With Somebody' - I loved those songs - still do! What a terrible shame. And the Grammy's are on TV - don't know half of the artists to be honest - and boy do some of those girls need to cover up.

So what's been going on with me? I've had a tumultous time letting go of all that stuff at work - so much so that I ended up taking a day off work on Thursday - I was completely drained and knew that I was in a really fragile space - if I didn't do something to heal this thing and quick I would no doubt have sabotaged everything again. Said or done something that would have ended up in devastation.

I woke up puffy eyed on Thursday - with stomach cramps from something I'd eaten - I had spent an hour on the phone with my friend who has cancer - and it's fair to say that perspective was the order of that conversation. I had had a drink with another friend straight after work and was starting to think that all the 'crazy' was me - after all why had I been in this situation so many times before - why was this person at work turning up in my life over and over again? - I was the common denominator - so it had to be about me - I was creating this movie - this story. I was chatting to my friend about prospects in my current role and also about getting into life coaching again. Fact is, the courses are pretty much all full-time unless you do something online and then they're never quite the same - I mean you don't get to meet anyone then do you? So we drank and I twittered on about 'you know who' - my apparent nemesis at work and I was really working to a solution. I was actually getting to the point where I was completely and utterly sick of thinking about him and work and it!!!! So I came home and my other friend had sent me an email - he was in a lot of pain - and I called him as soon as I read it - God love him, I bawled for an hour - non-stop - blubbering - took his mind of his own stuff for a while though no doubt and I did check in to make sure that I was okay rambling on. Amazing how much stuff comes up when you've had a drink - or two :)

I was beginning to think that it was time that I went home to the UK - time to be with my family again - although I knew in my heart of hearts that that wasn't the answer either - it would be nice for a few weeks - perhaps after a holiday abroad and then the thought of being on public transport day in day out on the way to and from work in the UK makes my stomach churn - just the madness of the place really. Especially so after being here for so long.

So I woke up that morning thinking that another reading with Ming was in order - but I could hear my BFF's words in my ears - that wasn't the answer and I couldn't get an appointment either. And then I thought about Matthew - the sound healer - the guy that does the body work and reiki and no word of a lie, the minute I asked out loud if I should call him, up pops an email from him about one of his sessions at the local yoga studio - so of course I saw that as a sign and emailed him straight away and got a booking for 3.30pm - 3 hours of waiting time - I was neither here nor there - but managed to pass the time.

So I drove there after eating my tuna sandwich - I may have said this before but the basement to that house has a really low ceiling so you feel like you are an extra in the 'Lord of the Rings'. And there he was Matthew looking at me with his kind eyes - it amazes me just how much love and understanding just oozes out of him - without a single drop of judgement - and I rattled off the whole tale of the dude at work and how it was all affecting me and throwing me off balance - and no doubt I was owning my stuff too - I told him 'I can behave like a 6 year old sometimes, and this 'person' and what he represents turns up at my workplace all the time' - and then he was just quiet for a few seconds, felt like a really long time - so I asked him what he was thinking and he said ' I am excited for what you have set up for yourself - the lesson and healing that you take away from this will open up a huge door for you - and it is a huge opportunity to heal - and you wouldn't attract anything more than you could handle at any one time' - he had of course hit the nail right on the head.

So for the next 90 minutes or so, he worked to massage my body - get the energy flowing again - worked with me to send healing energy to my liver and spleen - the two organs that take a bashing when you're going through a lot of emotional stuff and then he blew through a huge shell that he had and shifted all the 'crap' and debris that was coming up and out of me. It's amazing how light you feel and how much energy you have after one of his sessions. Oh and then the other thing he told me was that I was to lay off the caffeine for a while - I was like 'oh $hit' - that's the only crutch I have - but truthfully I had had the same thought - I was noticing that every morning after my green tea, I was really strung out and twitchy and it was really throwing my emotions about all over the place - so much so that I felt like I was one of those hamster wheels for the whole day - it's amazing how much better I feel just after 3 days of just a little caffeine - I have just a baby cup of matcha tea in the morning and it doesn't make my heart race or my body heat up. So I'm sold - I think it was the caffeine overload that was making my brain just obsess over the 'stuff' and problems and I just wasn't able to get out of the loop. So something you may like to try out if you're feeling wiggy.

Also a huge thing that came up for me was the fact that I had been focusing on the negative stuff about my colleague and not seeing that his behavior was down to his own wounding - and once you get to a place of compassion and love - and remove yourself from his path and see yourself instead on your own - it's easy to break free from the 'crazy'. So I went in the next morning and thanked him for his words of praise a few days earlier and explained that I suck at giving compliments cos it just hasn't been my first and foremost mode of thinking - I'm not complaining about this right now, but I do recall that as kids, we were rarely and barely ever told that we had done something good - it was always the other way around, it was always a focus on what we had done wrong - and then as kids we felt bad and then trying to get back into our parent's good books again - so it was just this constant stress all the time - and as I have said before, if my parents had known better then, they would have done better. They're both pretty awesome now to be fair, Mom especially when it comes to telling me how proud she is of me - but you know how it is, parents have this way of just chopping you at your core cos they know with exact precision where your wounds are. So long story short, I just figure it was time for me to give this guy at work a break - to let the 6 year old in me go play and support me instead of acting out and being 'naughty'. He was thrilled when I commended him and Friday was a lovely day - it was nice to know that we had both gotten over a hurdle and reached a compromise. And I felt proud of myself too.

So there you have it - the big change since I last wrote. Apart from that nothing exciting has happened really - I've been out a couple of times but nothing too fancy - and no hangovers - and no men :) I'll be glad when Spring is here in just a few weeks time. I've started watching the new 'Spartacus' series, it's just as fabulous as the first two - although Andy Whitfield is still the hottest! :) I watched that movie 'Shame' with Michael Fassbender and he is my new celebrity crush - smoking!!!! Oh and I saw that move ' The Descendants' with George Clooney - thought it was pretty crap actually - don't know what all the hype is about - oh and I am reading 'The Help' - amazing book - the movie has already won a whole heap of awards.

Okay well Happy Monday to you all - and just as my tale proves, don't doubt your ability to affect just one person by a simple action - and even if it's something that feels awkward, compassion really is love manifested :) Say something nice to someone - a smile in the corridor or at the photocopy machine!

This tune gives me goose bumps! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfPOXmT9HMA&feature=related

The Tower

2012-01-22T17:29:00.000-08:00

I knew the very second that she flipped that card over that I was fkd!!! She did some work trying to camouflage her emotion - telling me that I was in for a windfall - but my gut wasn't having any of it - I was in for some serious emotional turmoil - I guess you could argue that I may have attracted is cos my vibration was in that space - but whichever way you choose to look at it - the last few weeks have been utterly devastating. If you ever take the time to look at the 'Tower' card in tarot, you will of course see a tower, it's up in flames and people are flinging themselves over the walls of it - so you see them mid-flight, and then there's thunder bolts and lightening in the dark sky. You know that you're in for shaky ride - but as they say, you gotta break some eggs to make omelettes.

I had the best time during my citizenship ceremony - and the perfect party afterward - I was so spoilt, I was given a whole heap of gifts from plants to tea towels to maple syrup tea leaves to a cup with native art on it - all with the Canadian theme. I was very careful not to drink too much and sipped on this cheap bottle of champagne that my colleague at work has introduced me too. I left just before I started to feel the giddyness on the alcohol. In fact with all the excitement and happiness, I had switched off my antennae and missed something huge - my colleague and confidante at work had been spending an awful lot of his time in meetings. So Monday morning was a real f'ing shocker.

He was now supervisor - I would now have to report to this douche bag - and the only reason I say that with such comtempt is cos I could not understand why the people from 'up above' could not see what a complete rat bag this guy could be - behind his 'brown nose' and mask, he was absolutely one of the most insecure and consequently bitchy people I had ever met - when he told me the news, I froze on the spot in dis-belief and could not for the life of me even muster up a fake 'well done you' - I've never been good with that kind of stuff. So now I would be reporting to him - directly or in-directly - I am still not sure about that yet.

I was screwing - I completely understood that it had to happen as someone had to do the work - but really - to be promoted because other people left and then the one with the longest tenure just fitted into that spot is hardly a good enough reason - in my book anyways - and that's the thing you see - in my book. I was in such a whirl of judgement - it was hard for me to even look at him without spitting bullets - and you know how someone just bothers you more then? The way they walk - the way they talk - the way they eat - the way they swagger - jumped up tw@t!!!!! I wanted to take a rifle gun and blast his new found feathers into oblivion - like one of those cartoons - a chicken standing there in the nuddy :) I can laugh now that he has been out of my face for the last 6 days - but tomorrow - Heaven help me tomorrow. And I know I need to get over this - cos this is my stuff! I don't think I have ever worked harder with EFT - trying to shift all that blocked up emotion - but it seems that every time I shift it - some more turns up - and more intense and redder than you can even imagine.

So Randall has been teaching me a new technique - you imagine roses - some kind of 'Rose Therapy' - it's actually quite neat - you pick a colour and then you can surround your aura with them - anywhere from yellow to pink to black - for protection etc. So I have been practising.

On the flip side though with him being out of the office, I was there on my own as the other kid was sick - sitting duck for the two biatches who sit in that same space - bully boy tactics - I speak up for myself and they go all out to treat me badly and talk about me huddled up in the corner - so more $hit to work on - why do people bully me? What am I putting out there that makes them bully me? Then my friend Krystal hit it on the head for me, 'you give as good as you get' - he didn't know what was going on at work but it was just what I needed to hear - so in I went surrounded in armour and ready to kick the f**k out of them energetically if they tried anything. One of them didn't - but I could see the other one still had a bone to pick - and I wasn't gonna behave the 'old way' anymore - so when she rudely interrupted one of my conversations on Friday, I went for a walk and came back and thanked her for stepping in - she wasn't expecting that - she apologized with a hiss for talking over me and I just replied with a 'don't worry about it, I don't sweat the small stuff' - piaoww - and if you want another bomb to emplode in your face biatch, I got one right here!!!!! I made a point of asking her how she planned to spend her weekend when I left - squirming she was - I was half genuine and half doing it on purpose - I knew she was wriggling and hating my guts - but I did it to piss her off - childish I know - but you know what - kill them with kindness - what's the biatch gonna do? Nothing she can do when I am so fricking polite it makes her wanna puke :)

Why oh why oh why don't women take care of each other? Why don't be big each other up instead of trying to f**k each other up - and you know what? It's always the insecure ones who hate themselves - they just want to spread their poison. I did try to be a better person though and consciously imagined her as a nice girl - appreciating that she is obviously just hurting over something - as I have said before "hurt people, hurt people" - trying to imagine the light in someone when they're trying to mess you up in not easy - but I am getting better :)

On top of all of this, I have been battling some demons of my own - feeling really down of late - it just hits me sometimes - I haven't been like this since I left the UK to go travelling to Aus - over 10 years - some people call it depression - I call it the 'dark night' - well whatever label you give it, there's been moments where I have just wanted to be on some other plane in this universe - somewhere else - somewhere where I don't have to fight these battles all the time and where people can just be nice and actually give a $hit. I do realize that I set myself up for it - I have been giving something off since I was a young girl that makes people think they can treat me like crap - but damn you, that is not happening anymore. A couple of weeks ago, I just wanted to walk out into the street - just to press the stop button and to wake up on the crystal bed surrounded by Angels and Goddesses - where I could just walk in the garden with the greenest of green grass and smell the flowers and hear my kids laughing - I know that some people will think I am crazy for having such thoughts, but I do believe that what my Mom said today is true - Heaven and Hell are here - there is no up and down - it's right here and I need to snap out of it - I know that the most powerful growth comes when you hit rock bottom - I have been at the bottom - it's also been way too long since I was home with my loved ones - it's been a year now.

I had another huge trigger this week - a cousin of mine who grew up with a stricter family than my own has freed herself from those judgements and constraints and married someone who would not be considered 'fitting' in our culture - she has a child too - I was thrilled for her. However, I spiralled out of control as I wished that I had had the same courage 10 years ago. And yes, this is me going back there again - the truth hits me like that. I am trying desperately to forgive myself for the choices I made all those years ago - purposefully so that I wouldn't have to face the wrath of my mother and tell her that I had fallen in love with someone she would not approve of. You see that was at the core of my 'crazy' at that time - what could I do to f**k this thing up - what could I do that was so bad and so destructive that I would walk away without a shred of hope left behind - cos of my fears and the limitations that had been put on me. He had tied a blue bracelet around my wrist - at the time to signify 'US' - he had said that he would get me a ring - and I had panicked - in the time it took him to go to the washroom the next morning and come back to the hostel room - I had cut it with my nail clippers and laid it out on the table so that it would be the first thing that he would see - and it was the first thing that he saw - and the next thing I saw was the crushed soul behind his eyes. He knew I wasn't going to let him in no matter what he did.

Okay now my biggest thing for the last 10 years has been getting to grips with my actions - to some how try and reach inside of myself and forgive myself for what I did. I did that! I did that! I destroyed it! And I have to let go of it cos it has been killing me slowly - I have to forgive myself. The anger has gone now - I'm not angry with him anymore - and if there was a magic pill I could take to forget him, I think I would take it - maybe - and I feel like I am in a state of madness and / or addiction - but I know it's neither cos it's my heart talking to me - and when it's really quiet and I am in a state of peace, my heart tells me to run - it tells me to run - book a ticket and stand there in front of him - and tell him that he's my home - and as long as I feel like that and don't have the courage at the very least to find out if I am wrong, how can anything else make sense?

14 hours to being a Canadian

2012-01-05T20:03:00.000-08:00

Well here I am sitting here writing, 14 hours from a dream that I had as an 11 year old in the front room of someone's house in England.

Happy New Year to you all by the way - this posting will be short and sweet - I was just washing my face and thinking my best friend at home checks my site every day and I must make the effort to write something especially for her :) I am 30 pages from the end of my book, "The Aleph", so I'm keen to get to bed and need to rest for the big day tomorrow.

My colleagues have been so sweet - one of the girls is having a shindig round at her place - so we have our work group going and then a few of my other friends too so who knows where the night may end. She's got Canadian flags and balloons and everything and is joining me for the actualy ceremony in the morning. We all have to swear allegiance to the Queen - be there for about 2 hours and then into work for a short day - it's been such a crazy few weeks at work - it will be a shock to the system to do a full week next week - back to the 5 day work week until Easter.

I went back to see Randall last Friday - back to do some EFT and this time I had something specific in mind - the Slovenian - we needed to work on what was keeping me in that space - and keeping me so strongly connected to him - hooked - obsessed - call it what you like. I had trouble with it all at the beginning cos I know that I was resisting the whole process - he's been there in my life for so long that a huge part of me didn't want to let go - was scared to let go because of what that open space would look like. So for the first few minutes I kept going off into space somewhere. Then we got to the attachments - the cords - the anger, the dissappointment, the grief, the guilt and my thinking that I needed to suffer in tis way to learn what I needed to learn, which of course isn't true - life lessons don't have to be that hard - really.

It was funny what Randall said, maybe the two of us had an agreement - maybe the Slovenian came into my life to give me the reason and the courage to fight for my dream - is it a coincidence that of all the people I could have met on any beach in Australia, I met one who lived in Canada at the time - someone who made me see that I didn't have to be cruel to myself, 'are you a masochist?' were his excat words - to hold myself - to be more secure - I think back to that tale of the "Little Soul and The Sun" and swear that some how it all ties in - perhaps we did have an agreement before we came forth into this life - that he would come into my life and get me on track - on the right path - it's been a hard journey. It would be nice if he took something away from it too.

So there you go - no more negativity holding me in that space - nothing now but love and memories - I have to accept that they are just that, memories - no more fantasy - but I ain't gonna lie, I miss him - I miss the bones off him at the moment - I think I am just grieving - the way I should have done or could have done a decade ago but wouldn't let myself. I cry at the drop of a hat - feel empty - there's this vacuum to fill now - and this pie in the sky dream I had isn't going to come true - so now I have to find something to fill that void - but in the meantime I'm feeling a little lost. I went to my acupuncture session and burst into tears in front of the lovely lady. Oh well - what you gonna do hey? It's just a matter of time before I start venturing out again and meeting new people and having new experiences. Suka, my acupuncturist said that on some level I have chosen to be alone for all this time - and when I am ready, the right people, the right guy will turn up in my life.

So there you go - my Happy Ending :)

I will leave you with one of my all time favourites by Coldplay - listen to the words - they are truly beautiful - I hadn't heard the song in months and months and then I played in on my mp3 on the way to work on Tuesday - I was singing along the way I did before I met him - sitting on the beach in Byron Bay, up by the grass watching the waves roll in and out - happy times :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZSobH1wiiM

I Love You.

My Road Less Travelled

2011-12-24T21:24:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Eve - already - my how time flies - sitting here reading my book after watching a film that really got me thinking - 'Let's talk about Kevin' - be prepared for some really deep thoughts if you take that one on.

I bought 'Aleph' on the way home yesterday - the newest book by Paulo Coelho - I absolutely love every single book that he has written - and it never fails to amaze me that there is a message in each one of them for me - there is for every reader - but this one, well it just confirms that I am listening to my guidance - I am feeling a little dumb struck.

"And because I carried all that guilt around inside me, because victims always end up considering themselves to be the culprits, I decided to keep punishing myself. So in my relationships with men, I've always sought suffering, conflict and despair", Paulo Coelo - Aleph.

I walked out of the RMT's room last week - from the guy that does the deep tissue massage and he said to me 'You don't have to be drawn to pain anymore' - it was like a light bulb moment - we all have our guidance, knowing, inner knowing, teachings, things we've read or heard - and then someone somewhere says something so simple and so profound that it hits you right between the chest - and your heart explodes as confetti, stars and love hearts fill the air and tears fall like droplets from your eyes - cos you realize that your life really doesn't have to suck anymore - it really doesn't.

I had gone in there for my 4th session so far - I was like a grenade with the pin off - ready to explode - so much anger in me - I had been left devastated the night before - after having sent texts and after making phone calls to the people that mean something here to me, my circle of friends - I was left stranded on Friday night - my annual Christmas get together - the event that I organize. One by one, beginning on Thursday these 'friends' were falling off - excuse upon excuse - and I was so deeply wounded by the first 'excuse' email and triggered - once again I was that girl standing alone in the playground - without any friends - by Friday morning another text and then another and then another - another on the taxi ride home - until there were two - just two of us going - what a $hit show. I was feeling so unappreciated - I wished I had just stayed home to watch my soaps - single, alone and on my couch but at the very least safe and content.

By Saturday morning as I told the RMT as I walked in the room, I was like a stick of dynamite ready to blow. He said 'shall we try some EFT' - this involves body tapping - on the meridians to release build ups of emotions - we started with some drama at work - with someone who had behaved like a complete wanker for the last 2 days - realizing that I was pissed because he didn't share the same moral code as I did - and as the RMT got me verbalizing my anger followed by a positive affirmation, I felt the anger dissipate - until I saw him as a gift - someone that had got me to that dynamite space so that I could release it and heal.

Then the RMT said that it may also be a good time to do some healing around the inappropriateness of someones actions on me some years before during another massage session - someone who was not a professional and not qualified and obviously a f**king pervert who saw me coming a mile off. So we began - and of course it catapulted into something deeper - right at the core of me - and after some 30 odd minutes and hands over my face as I cried my little eyes out in front of this stranger - we got there - to how I had been punishing myself all these years - when you separate yourself from the story - you see that there's really nothing that you could have done differently. However, I had "always sought suffering, conflict and despair" with every single man I had ever attracted - ting ting ting jackpot!!!!!

You know when you've done something your whole life - and you realize that you don't have to do it anymore, it's like stepping into an abyss? - it's scary - ALL NEW - you have no map and no coordinates cos everything is new - so do I step off the edge or do I step back and go back to what I know? - well of course the answer is simple - it's time for this little butterfly to uncurl her wings and fly - I've been in this tower too long - tucked away - my heart is pounding - excited I think - creating my new story :)

I also had the most amazing news ever this week - I passed my citizenship test and will be a Canadian Citizen on the 6th January - it's the biggest thing I have ever achieved - when I think off all the obstacles that stood there in front of me the last 7 years trying to trip me and the people that wanted to see me falter - I thank God for those who carried me - and the most thanks goes to my Family - I miss them today like no other day- I know that they will all be sitting around the family table tomorrow eating Christmas Dinner - Mom will have cooked the lamb that by Brother loves so much - and my Dad will hold the knife and fork in his hands like a pro - good enough for a royal affair - and Mom will boil the kettle which will whistle out loud and pour the hot water to make gravy - my little Nephew will run around like a maniac before he is ordered to sit down - and me, me, I will sit here and pray again - hard - that God surrounds me with my loved ones next year. I can feel the skin on their cheeks pressed up on my lips as I can kiss them all - and oh how my heart hurts as I imagine how my Mom and Dad's eyes light up when we are together. I have often wondered why I separated myself from all that is so dear to me - and maybe I just felt that I didn't deserve them. No more!

Have a lovely Christmas all of you - and breathe them in - breathe in your loved ones - take a seond to be present when they look at you - smile at you - talk to you - your loved ones are your 'presents' :)

2011-12-18T20:04:00.000-08:00

I know that I had promised to write more frequently but I kid you not the last two weeks have been mental busy both at work and socially. And there's no chance that I am going to get it all down in one sitting - thank goodness we have one lovely long weekend coming up next week. I am so looking forward to it. I am unable to do my usual 'italic' writing on here and to keep all the paragraphs aligned - so I will have to take a look at that over the next few days too.

I managed to stick my fingers together today with super glue - oh my gosh - if you could have felt the panic - there I was busily trying to get the amethyst back into the silver pendant frame and then I noticed that two of my fingers were bonded with glue - so frightening - I literally tore them apart hoping to God that I wouldn't tear the skin away too - thankfully after lemongrass oil, nail varnish remover and washing dishes I don't feel like I have lizard fingers.

Watched a great movie last night with Emily Blunt and Matt Damon - "The Adjustment Bureau" - it was very interesting - or at least I thought so.

So back to the Xmas party - in fact let's go back a little further than that - I met up for coffee with the Slovenians old best friend last week - the one that the Slovenian basically trained to be as big a jack ass as he was when it came to his philandering - and funny thing was the timing - I fianlly realized just the night before that I had created this whole fantasy with him, the Slovenian - a whole story - all these years on - some sort of romantic movie where I was the one playing it all out in my head - where in actual fact he was and has given me jack $hit for the last umpteen years. Okay so there is no need to beat myself up here - but it was an epiphany - and which woman wants that - a fantasy? It was not serving me in any way shape or form. So I prayed really hard that I would stop it - and stop drawing him into my life. And next morning I'm on LinkedIn and there's his mate's profile - he's back in Vancouver and I just said 'hi' as we had been talking on Skype a few months earlier.

I got an immediate response - in fact he was coming Downtown that afternoon for a conference and would I like to meet up for coffee? OMG my tummy did a tumble - why was this happening? What would I say to him 8 years on - I had bumped into him on the street about 6 years ago - but I was all of a flap. I have to add though that he was actually very good to me and very kind when the 'zipping' incident happened remember? The one where the Solvenian took the chick into his bedroom and came out zipping his pants up - well this was that guy - the one who literally scopped me up from having a breakdown.

So with my tummy hurling and erratic breathing I took the lift downstairs and met him in the foyer - and he was just as handsome and gentlemanly as I remembered him - we went for tea in the hotel restaurant next door - and we shared an hour chatting about this and that - his girlfriend and trip to Europe, work and the Xmas holidays - and not once did we bring up you know who - I have to say that my nerves went away after a few minutes. Not sure why I was so freaked out really - I think it was just weird to see someone from my past like that - someone that I connect with - but from a time in my life that I don't really connect with anymore. It was a great focal point to gauge how much stronger I am now.

So we are supposed to be going for a drink some time soon and I get to meet his girlfriend - not too sure how all that will go down - but it's always nice to hang out with good people - and he does have a level head on his shoulder - but I do not forget whose prodigy he was for a while back there.

So how are all the Xmas preparations going? Well I have managed to secure Xmas Day dinner at my colleagues family house - however with the evening commute over the bridge, I kinda wish I was staying home to watch my Xmas soap specials! :) I know, how ungrateful do I sound? My acupuncture sessions are going really well - as are my deep tissue massages - although yesterday we ended up doing EFT - emotional freedom technique - I was such a skeptic going in but it really did work - shifted loads of stuff that came up this week cos of work - boss was in town and I have not seen that much sucking up in a really long time - we will have to get to that next time as it's a story in itself. We got a really nice Xmas bonus though which was completely unexpected :) Excuse to go shopping - thinking of buying a new table and chairs for my place - I still have the IKEA one that I paid $10 for when I moved in here 7 years ago - think it's time for an upgrade! :)

Okay - gotta love and leave you - Sunday night and stuff to do before bedtime. Take care :)

p.s found the italic key and managed to get the paragraphs right - that'll settle my OCD :)

Magic

2011-12-04T18:17:00.000-08:00

So where to start? I don't know - to stay here in the present or to go back to my tale again - I am honestly not sure at the moment - so let's just see where the words go. I have had a jam packed few weeks - it really has been an emotional roller coaster - happy - sad - anxious - happy - sad - anxious and I am only just beginning to truly realize how important it is for me to sit in stillness. My acupuncturist told me about 'valerian' - so I have been taking that as a natural remedy to just calm me down a little, especially my over-active mind just before bedtime - however combined with the melatonin, I am finding that I am in a very 'bonced out' state sometimes and it is hard for me to find words and communicate at work - it's so wierd when you are in actual fact a separate head space from the one that 'work' needs you to be in. It would be a lot easier to be in a retreat right now or laying on a beach where your mind can pretty much wander wherever it needs to.

So we have our Christmas party next weekend - it's going to be huge - so may people going and I have to say that I am really excited about it. I love it when people are all dressed up in there finest at these types of events - there will be music, drinks and food galore - and I am a little cautious as I haven't had a sip of alcohol for some weeks now - I didn't see the point in going out while I was focusing on healing by way of massage and the 'pin' sessions. I have to add too that I was a littel skeptical of the value of the 'pin' sessions as I call them until this weeks' which was my third session. The second she had put the 20 or so pins in my body and dimmed the light down in the room, I felt that shift in my body - you may get it too - it's similar to that feeling you have in your body the seconds leading up to 'falling asleep' - that shift - and that was it, I was completely relaxed and just 'let go' :) There is always a little bit of fear in me though, like for one thing, what if for some reason I needed to move, like really move and get up from the massage table - would one of these pins stick too far into me as I am trying to get up off the table? :) Silly really!

I got chit chatting with the lady this time - she said that she met her beau when she went to learn french in Paris - oh how romantic I thought - to go all that way and to fall in love - and now of course he is here with her in Vancouver - trying to find work but a steadfast lawyer at home in Paris - wouldn't it be nice to have someone go to those lengths for you? Just to be with you? :)

I am also reading a book by Robin Sharma at the moment - funny how it just kinda 'popped out' at me from my book shelf - all about following your destiny and finding the things in life that really resonate and are important - it's certainly acting as confirmation for the changes that are taking place in my life right now. I feel that I am really starting to ground myself in the 'here and now' and follow my instinct and realizing that there really is nothing to fear - we create all the little monsters ourselves really :) And it's just as easy to turn those thoughts on themselves and create positive ones instead. Feeling safe has always been a big thing for me - and also to be less adversely affected by what is going on around me - and I am beginning to get a handle on it and to truly belive in my own power.

I was listening to Abraham Hicks some mornings ago - sometimes I just switch it up and look for a new link - and I tend to find a playlist on youtube so that it can just run in the background as I am getting ready for work - I always pick up the pieces that are apt at that time. That morning Esther was talking about the 'wouldn't it be nice' idea. So all you do, if you are in a bit of a slump or not feeling your best, imagine 'wouldn't it be nice if.................' - and of course you end that sentence however you see fit. So I went with simple things that I could see the manifestation of quite quickly - 'wouldn't it be nice if it didn't rain on the way to work', 'wouldn't it be nice if the sun came out', 'wouldn't it be nice if I saw the cute guy at work', 'wouldn't it be nice if I had a huge surprise today'.

So I kid you now it went from pi$$ pouring rain to radiant sunshine on my way to work - and a few hours into the day, the cute guy walked by and said 'hello', and by the time I came home after my acupuncture session I was happily relaxed, just having eaten and sitting here wathcing one of my soaps. And then there it was - a 'tap tap tap' on my door - and I rarely get a knock at the door as I live in an apartment block for a start - and I asked who it was - and it was my landlady. And straight away I was like 'oh no what's happened, is it my car again? what's up?' - and I opened the door and there she stood with a pair of lovely clean cream bedroom drapes - she handed them to me saying that they were 'free of charge' - saving me $60 and that I should just pop the dirty ones in a plastic bag and give them back to her. I was so so so happy - I was beaming from ear to ear with a huge smile on my face and my eyes welled up - I was so grateful for this lovely kind gesture. Just a few days before, I had asked her how much it would cost me to dry clean the drapes as the ones in my bedroom were looking really grey and filthy - and I had only just begun to notice after getting my new bed - I figured it could not be good bedroom feng shui :) And here she was with the clean drapes - it made my day no end and I quickly got the old ones down and put the new ones up - it looks beautiful in my room now - it really is the little things - so go on try it - try the 'wouldn't it be nice if' game - and I call it a game as it's nice to be playful with it and have some fun. Just thinking about nice things shifts your mind set - and by shifting your mindset - you shift your vibration - and that's when magic happens!!!! :)

I shared this tale with the lady that lives just down the road from me - I will have to follow up with her and see if she tried it. So apart from that there is really not much else to share with you at this time - work is going well - I am beginning to feel appreciated and have been asked to set some goals and objectives for the next few months - first time I have ever really felt like I am setting some roots down in the workplace and making a difference. There is the usual day to day drama of course - oh and the other day one of the girls saw Liam Gallagher from Oasis from the window - we face a really fancy hotel - and there are often 'famous' people there - to be fair, I had more fun watching the little kiddie winkies in there little 'line up' with their blue rain ponchos on holding hands - they were all going in there to see the Christmas Trees - all lit up and fancy - so cute :) I remember how excited I used to get on school trips - packing my little 'kia-ora' and Ribena drinks - with an extra packet of sweets and a Club biscuit or two :) Awwwww thank God for those memories.

Went for a walk earlier - the sun has been out in full swing today - and I was listening to my tunes on my icube - I love that one 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol - and just as I turned the corner and looked up, there it was this huge expanse of sea, the mountains and the lovely white boats bobbing in the water and I got goose bumps - Life is Good - my friend used to say that to me - now I know what he meant - and as I was walking, I passed an old friend who met her beau in Africa - this Adonis of a guy who she used to chat with ever single day upon her return on Skype - and there they were a family now - her pushing the pram and him twisting the 2 year old in the air - she pops up in my life from time to time to remind me that miracles do happen - it's been a really lovely day.

Anyways, I must come to a close as it's 6pm on Sunday night and I'm hungry and have 4 episodes of Corr'rs to watch before I get tucked up in bed and listen to my regular Sunday night meditation :) Have a super week y'all and I will do my absolute best from here on in to write more often.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GemKqzILV4w

Waking from a sleep

2011-11-20T20:17:00.000-08:00

It's amazing when you finally wake from a 'sleep' - asleep to life I mean - there's been a few BIG moments in the last few days for me. I sat at my desk about a week ago - with little to do - no fault of my own but just waiting for the $hit storm to arrive - it seems that we are always waiting for the 'sign off' from the 'powers that be' before we can make our own moves forwards. Not sure if the shift too has happened after 11-11-11 - there has to be some mention of that in here no matter how small. So anyways, back to sitting at my desk, I could just feel the anxiety kicking in - and I was starting to get really light headed - panic - my usual anxiety at work and wondering how long this gig is going to last - the day to day humdrum although I have to say that I do enjoy my colleagues - they're a nice bunch - but I feel that I should be doing more - I am not stretched and before the Universe delivers on this thought, let me also be clear that I am content to chug along until something better turns up - absolutely no more turmoil like the beginning of this year - and my desire to further myself will be on a part-time basis :)

So yes, I toddled off into the washroom and could literally feel the heat rising in my body - the panic was hitting me again - and I went back to my desk and had some 'rescue remedy' and then just knew that I had to get downstairs and get some fresh air - I had been absorbing so much of other peoples' crap that I just couldn't breathe - I found one of the comfy armchairs and it felt like the light fittings were just closing in on me - and I just couldn't 'see' clearly - it was like the lights were closer than they actually were and I knew that I was on the brink of an anxiety attack. I took the air into my lungs slowly and purposefully and put my little headphones in my ears and listened to my meditation music - closed my eyes - and after a few minutes caught hold of myself. And prayed - HARD! I was at a loss as to what had got me here - I know that things are on the cusp of a huge change for me - I don't know what that is yet - but I just know - the last time I had this feeling was when I was coming to Canada. That and the fact that I had been travelling at warp speed through the last two weeks - getting so much done. Then it hit me, just last weekend I found out that a very dear friend of mine is very sick - very very sick - and it toppled my world hearing that news in some way.

You can't help but look and reflect when something like that happens - at least for me - and I began to think of the other people that are in my life - separated by one or two degrees who are also going through a tough time right now - and I think it all just overwhelmed me - and I just felt all that panic. I had realized too that I had been pretty low in energy myself for as long as I could recall - almost since I got back from Australia - and after a few torrid events here in Vancouver and I just think that the stress of all that had just culminated over time. Funny that I looked into the 'health benefits' at work and found out that acupuncture sessions are covered - so right away I booked a session for the following evening.

I walked in there with my mile thick protection - dubious and dis-believing - what could this teeny tiny woman possibly do to 'fix' me - she was indeed beautiful - but very very softly spoken. She called me into one of the rooms and I sat on the bed while she was sitting on the stool - swinging my legs back and forth for a little while, she began to ask me what was I was concerned about - she already knew that I had a cold - virus thing - sinus thing too - and then she checked my pulse. She asked me what my energy levels were like - and I told her that for as long as I could recall it had been a real struggle to get up in the mornings - I was running on low - at a 3 out of 10 - with 10 being the optimum - and I then went onto tell her how sensitive and empathic I am sure, sure that she would think that I was a complete whack job - but to my absolute joy, she understood every single thing I was saying - and was able to piece me together. Assessing my body type, she was able to guide me on the nutrients that my body is lacking in and then when I told her that I put a wall up to protect myself, she softly said "but then how do let in the magic?" - I swear I had tears in my eyes the size of cup cakes - ready to fall they were and I stopped them. And then she also said that living the way I am right now, I am functioning at bare minimum and if just 'believe' again and 'take chances' who knows what I will be able to achieve as I am capable of such great things. It was like going to see Katut in Eat Pray Love - my best friend will know what I mean as she reads this.

So today I was going to go see my friend in hospital - I woke up thinking I don't want to go, I don't want to go - and it's not that I didn't want to see him but the commute and the thought in my head that there would be other things that I would not be able to get done. But when I got his text that he was good to see me, I could not have been more excited.

Walking up to his room, my tummy was doing a tumble and my heart was beating so fast - I was so scared of what I might see - how I would react and praying that I wouldn't cry - and as I turned the corner to his room and saw his small frail body getting up to straighten himself on the bed, I realized how blessed I was to have him as my friend - to have shared life with him - and I can't lie, the horror of seeing him this frail did hit me and as I sat down it all just went away - and there we were two friends sharing two hours - and chatting about this and that - and me being the usual 'Question Master' - there's always so much I want to know - and then there was a moment that we shared that I will never ever forget - along with a book he had wanted, I found a stone on my book shelf with 'Friends' written on it - and as I gave that to him, I was so choked up and that was it, tears tumbled - and he asked me to hold his hand and his tears from his big blue eyes tumbled too - and that moment was priceless - and like a little girl all I could say was "you are going to be okay aren't you?". We shared tales - and I spoke of work and how it doesn't fulfil my heart's desires and he asked me what would, and I told him that I want to get into counselling, life coaching, really helping people, helping them to transition in life - to take the steps that I have taken and am still taking. He helped me to realize my passions today - and that time I spent with him today was a true blessing - I am so glad I went - and I pray so so hard that he heal and get well again - more than anything. He told me it doesn't matter who has the best lawn or the best house or best whatever - what matters is the people who are in your life - the Loved Ones.

So for you who are my Friends reading this right now - I want you to know that I LOVE YOU dearly - and funnily as I thought that as I parked my bum on my couch when I got back home, my friend who just recently moved to Colombia called me to say the exact same thing - so there you have it 'the power of love' :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBDF04fQKtQ

And sorry guys, can't get rid of that yellow background - I've tried everything - grrrrrr!!!!!!

Home

2011-11-08T20:16:00.000-08:00

Almost a year ago to this day, he phoned me - the barman - out of the blue. Funny thing was that I had been thinking about him just that weekend - I was sat here watching some show about women who go to this boot camp thing to help them to get over unhealthy patterns in their lives etc. This one made me fume because each woman was wearing a t-shirt with the word 'branded' on them - the word that their so called 'loved one' had called from - so something like 'chunky' or a 'bitch' or 'useless' - so harsh and hateful words - and as I say, he just popped in my mind and I could just feel the anger in me gushing out to the point that I wanted to punch him. So when I heard his voice on the phone a few days later I was absolutely gob smacked.

He had had a drink or two just to pluck up the Dutch Courage - or at least that's what he told me. Of course I just went in for the jugular - and just told him straight that he had been a complete a-hole to me all those years ago - and in usual dense dip $hit style, he started to laugh at me - that's what he always used to do to throw me off - but you know when you're in a better place in yourself and feeling more grounded and safer, you just see things more clearly - and that's exactly what happened.

So here he was trying to play some kind of jedi trick on me - something that would have worked hands down ten years ago - no fail! But he wasn't sure how to handle me this time. So he went in telling me that he was coming here to Vancouver in the Spring and would I like to see him. And then he asked me some personal questions to find out if I was dating someone. And then he hit me with it - "Remember when we were watching that episode of Friends? The one where they all agree to marry each other if they are still single at the age of 40? Remember how we had both promised to marry each other if we were single by the time we reached 40? It would be such a tragic shame if you never got married and had children - you were born to be a mother".

It was classic - a classic jedi mind 'assault' - lets just try and take her down - get her where it hurts - and of course when I 'held myself' and stood grounded and firm in my space, and said that I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be with him, he changed his tactic. I could not believe what I was hearing - I think there were a few times when I actually threw up in my mouth thinking about what he was proposing - because as sure as the sun rises in the sky, I would rather stick pins in my eyes than entertain the thought of having a relationship with that 'emotional freak'. So I was steadfast and stubborn in my response - making it clear that this was never gonna happen.

Then the trigger to his call came out - his mom had antagonized him on the phone a few days earlier - apparently she had ruffled a few feathers with one of his brothers - and was then accused of interfering. Which then led to her asking the barman whether she had ever intefered in his life - to which he replied without a blink "Yes, you came between me and the only woman I have ever loved" - meaning me of course. When he shared this with me, I have to tell you that my heart melted just a tad. I felt this overwhelming compassion for him and realized that he was in pain.

This was this poor wretched guy's last ditch attempt to win me back - and he had had to have a drink to muster up the courage to call me. I knew then how much it must have taken for him to make that call. And then as soon as I opened my heart to him, and saw him as a human in pain, he gave me the one thing I had been looking for for all those years after we parted ways. He told me that he was sorry. He told me that there had never been anyone in his life like me and that he deeply regretted the way he treated me - he was sorry for all the dreadful things he did and said. Poor guy. And I couldn't help it - I just cried - they were deep rooted tears - I cry like that only sometimes - it feels like a dam opens up and it's not even the amount but the concentration of the tears. They feel heavy as they fall. And I could feel my heart healing. I felt so sorry for those two kids who had met 20 years earlier - naiive and young - with their whole lives ahead of them. I felt his pain - and I realized that I didn't want to hurt him anymore - there were no more thoughts of vengeance or hurting him the way he had hurt me - we had just done the best that we could with the tools that we had at that time.

I don't know why this has been coming up for me the past few days - I think it's after I went to meet with a friend at a local convention just this past weekend - 3 times I went to her stall at the exhibition and 3 times she was too busy - and I was so hurt by this because I had made such an effort and was so excited to see her. I just wanted a big fat hug and to have some 'safe' time to talk and share with someone who knows where I am coming from. And as I walked away, I kept thinking that I would have created that time and space for someone - for a friend in that same situation - so why didn't she? - why was she so blocked to sharing that time and space with me? - and from sharing that love? - and then I remembered that what is happening on the outside is a reflection of what is happening on the inside - I was doing the exact same thing - I have after all the pain and hurt in my life built a fortress around myself that has been almost a mile thick if that is possible. I have not let anyone close since the barman - on some level even with all the low life things the Slovenian did, he still didn't stick a chance and I am reminded of that too when I want to be melancholy and wallow.

So it's time to be open to love again - time to be open to life - I was chatting to my colleague at work about it today - I have gone from one extreme to the other - from doing crazy things in my life and making ludricrous choices to putting myself behind bars - where nothing and no one can get in - all because it feels safe - really???? Sometimes when I pick a Goddess card and the Goddess Aine tells me to 'take a risk and follow my heart', that's when I feel this pang in my heart that makes me want to pack my suitcase and get a return ticket to Australia - and I bottle it every time - and I think that the reason I do that is because I still love him, that Slovenian - and I grant myself with the fact that we may or may not be 'meant' to be together - but imagine if I leave this life with him not knowing how I have felt all these years - that would be the most tragic thing of all. 8 years ago I didn't bat an eyelid when making that decision to chase his a$$ here to Vancouver and now I can't even muster up the courage to pick up the phone.

And some of this is not to be taken so literally - again it is just the story of what is happening on the inside - and as Aine says, I need to take that risk again - cos right now I am not living - I am passing time - if I was living I would be living my truth and on that beach in Bondii chasing waves and basking in the sun - if I was living I wouldn't have walked out of work with tears in my eyes today as I looked up at the dark 5pm sky and dreaded the thought of yet another Xmas alone - another Xmas without a loved one. Something has got to change!!!!! I need to figure out what that thing is going to be.

A few weeks ago, I woke up in the morning with this song in my head - I didn't even know who sang it and hadn't even heard the whole song before until I found it on youtube that morning - I think it's divine :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjky7v7JIow

The 90's

2011-11-06T19:30:00.000-08:00

It was 1990 - and at 19 she had no experience whatsoever of dating - I think in her mind it was just a simple case of seeing what was out there - no boundaries to write home about and no real inkling of what she was looking for. It was as though this guy had chosen her more than the other way around - he also said the same thing some years later, realizing that for her the 'man in her life' could have been just about anyone.

Just days after starting university, wreckless and with no real idea of what she was even doing away from home, she started to frequent the student's union. In those days she could get entry into the club, have drinks, and get a cab ride home - all for 5 British Pounds - talk about a cheap date! There was one guy there in her first week that had played a prank on her - pretended that he was one of the tutors at the uni and used that as a pick-up line - she was a green as they come and fell for it hook, line and sinker. She was living in a house with 3 other girls on the top of a really steep hill. There was a roundabout at the bottom of the hill, and the student's union just off to the right of that. At the other end, you would be veering up towards the airport. Not the prettiest place in the world and the house that she lived in wasn't all that either, and worse still the landlady lived just a few doors down.

She met the guy 3 weeks in - nothing special really - she had noticed him behind the bar - the barman - she had remembered his eyes - even now she can recall that there was a darkness to them - pupils dilated to the max, strawberry blond hair and a thick Irish accent. I think in hindsight there must have been some past life issues here that needed to be cleaned up for them both. Anyways that Monday evening was the Student's Night at one of the local nightclubs - so she had gone there with a group of girls - one girl in particular that she had met who was from Liverpool and another from Middlesbrough - even meeting all these new people with their thick Northern accents was new to her - the only thing that she'd ever experienced close to that was watching Emmerdale - not that she was ever into that show :) So yes, back to the Monday night at the club - she was dancing to 'Groove Is In The Heart' - bopping away she noticed that the guy from behind the student's union bar was there watching her - sipping his beer and watching her dancing - when she stepped away from the dance floor, he came over and started to chat to her - asking her if she was single or not - and she said that she was single - and that was that - there were of course no cell phones back in those days - but they had decided that she would meet him the next day after his shift behind the bar.

It was all so new to her - so exciting to be away from all those restrictions at home with her parents - to be free to do what she wanted to do. So day by day, and little by little, she began to see him more and more - never really sure about him - it never occurred to her to perhaps bide her time and see what else was out there - or in actual fact to concentrate on school instead. She would go home every weekend to be with her family - and slowly as the relationship deepened, he wanted her to stay there with him at the weekends too - so she gave that weekly visit home up too - just so that he knew she didn't have someone else at home. Silly really. Silly how much she gave up just to make things right for him - never having a thought for herself and what was right for her - but then she had never been encouraged to have a thought for her own desires, needs and wants - she had always taken care of everyone else so it was second nature for her. She didn't think twice.

Her relationship with her Dad and Brother began to change too - her Dad stopped talking to her as much - and the distance between them just started to grow - and her Brother started to block her out - out of his life and out of his heart - perhaps if this combination of events had not happened - and perhaps if she was actually able to tell her family about this guy, they would have advised her from the get go that he was not the right type of guy for her. You see it was already quite clear that he liked to drink and with the drink came gambling - he would be gone all day sometimes - in the bar - in a lot of bars about town - and then he would roll home in the late hours not knowing where he had been or what he had done - she put up with it. Clearly a red flag, but she knew nothing more than just to put up with it. And this went on day after day, week after week, month after month - until she was so deeply engrossed in the grips of this nightmare - stuck in a web - and not seeing a way out - not realizing her own self-worth, she shunned other advances from more suitable young men and stuck by this drunk.

On top of that - they had both begun to think that this was love - oh how naiive!! Love! It seems so ridiculous now - but they had both begun to tell themselves a story - this is what love looked like. In time she got the 'If you can't beat them, join them attitude' - that first summer apart from him was hell for her - 4 months apart and she counted every day down as if her life depended on him and what they had together. She wrote him letters and thought about him every waking second of every single day - she never heard from him once in all that time - not a phone call - not a letter - anyone else would have put a lid on the whole thing by now - and especially by the end of that summer - but no, she just carried on believing that he was the one she was meant to be with. She couldn't wait to get back to University - and even went back a few weeks earlier so that she could help out with him in the Student's Accommodation department - they got paid of course and it meant that she was able to be with him again. Something inside of her had broken though, the fact that he had made no attempt to contact her for all that time had devastated her - she thought she had meant more to him than that. But then when she found out that he was now smoking pot, it all started to make sense - it had become his life, listening to music from the 60's and 70's - sitting in his friend's room while he played the guitar and ate cold baked beans from the tin, it became clear to her why she had fallen of his radar.

Things were never really right with them both after that - as I said, she joined them too - there was nothing else to do - or at least it seemed that way to her - the whole of her world was now consumed in this crazy lifestyle - awake until the small hours of the morning - hunting for food in the cupboards - living in a house that she would not have been caught dead in when she was safe at home with her family, she completely lost herself - and I mean completely. Having never dealt with events from her childhood, and what was now happening at home with her family, the guilt she felt for leaving them, she began to get into a tripped out state so that it blocked out all her feeling and emotions and kept her in a cloud - in a fuzz. And of course the early 90's brought about a whole new era in recreational drug use with house music and raves - it was everywhere you turned - it was now the norm - it was a new culture - with the music, came the drugs and with the drugs came the clothing, and with the clothing came the clubs and the rides down to London at weekends - and if not London then it was right there at the bottom of that hill. Raves in the middle of fields in the middle of the night - hundreds and hundreds of cars driven by kids who would find out where the rave was going to be at, and drive out in the middle of muddy fields to barns in order to dance the night away. The mid-90's just came and went in a spin.

It hadn't escaped her notice that her relationship was no longer working, or functional, or happy. The two of them had simply started to co-exist as they did not know any better - and she wasn't even sure whether she liked him anymore - in fact she knew she didn't. They would argue endlessly - but she was now living in his house - under his roof - there had now been years of this torment - and year by year it had ground her down to the point that she was just a shell - beautiful on the outside - but numb on the inside. Every day he would tell her how boring she was - how worthless she was - it had been years since he had taken her out for a drink or for dinner - she had begun to believe him too - I think anyone would if you hear the same thing over and over. And her life had become one of going to work, coming home and self-medicating with the smoke - she was in the darkest place in her life so far - and she was now only going home once a month. Her Brother had his own life now and didn't let her in at all - her Dad said nothing, they shared no more than twenty words when she was at home - he had shut her out - and all she did while she was home was count the hours until she could leave again - and leaving mean driving the 90 miles down the road to the other hell that she had created for herself. It wasn't long before she wanted to be gone forever - gone from the world - there were days when she would be in the car driving home from work where she would scream to God that she wanted it all to be over - and the truth is is that she meant it every time she said it. She didn't want to live anymore - consumed now in guilt and in so much pain that she could hardly bare it, she wished her life would end.

Some 9 years after they met - and after a drunken night and smashed windows - she sat in the spare room of the house that they shared rocking back and forth on the bed. With her head in her hands she realized that she had been on the verge of doing something that would have been tragic. Her cell phone rang and her friend asked her what was up - he could hear that something awful had just happened and intuitively knew that all was not well. She knew when she clicked the phone off to that call that her relationship with this barman was over - truly over - she would never look at him the same way again - talk to him the same way again - it was done - she had almost crossed a line - she was driven to almost cross that line - she began to understand what mental abuse led people to do, and she knew that it was over. He left a few weeks later - back to his home in Ireland - she stayed living in the house for a little while longer. Before she left her University town for good, he did come back once more - not able at that time to tell her that he was sorry for what he had done; it was clear to him now too that she was never coming back to him ever. She moved back to her family - and it wasn't long before she left again for a few months - this time to Australia - this time to Byron Bay - this time to meet the Slovenian.

The 80's

2011-10-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

Her childhood was awkward with very little respite - she was still carrying a secret with her - something that she had not shared with anyone, not her Parents ot her younger Brother - on a couple of occasions she had 'taken' things that didn't belong to her - on reflection probably a cry for help - but with Mom and Dad busy tending to the business and what needed to be done on a day to day basis - it was up to the two children to take care of each other and there was no time to delve into feelings.

An acquaintance told to her during a healing session some 25 years later, that she had chosen the 'pure' path - an honorable path - a choice that others make under the same circumstances that takes them on a very different route. Childhood was not easy, going to school a few miles away from their family home and with the shop being closer to the school than it was the home, it meant that brother and sister spent many an hour tucked away in the little pantry watching the little black and white TV when they got home from school - jumping for joy when the clock turned to 6 o'clock and they could finally go home. She was a very bright and clever girl, doing well in maths and english, and someone who loved gym classes - she was a shy girl though - blessed with the love of her family but still shy.

Respite finally came when she was 10 - during a project at school when she met a girl in class when working on a painting upstairs in the corridor at school. She loved spending time with her - and I think that for the first time, she felt safe - she knew from that very young age that she could trust this girl - and they became very dear friends - and are still best friends to this day. They would link arms walking to school in the morning - and then do the same walking home at night - and then they would hang out in the evening too after school which meant the absolute world to her. Standing outside the shop, the girls would share stories - and sometimes even get some homework done! :)

So the end of comprehensive school came in no time - crushes on John Taylor and Nick Taylor from Duran Duran - listening to Spandau Ballet, A-Ha and Culture Club - she and her friends were starting to define themselves with what music they listened to and what clothes they wore. Ra-ra skirts came and went, and she had at least 4 of them in various colours - shoulder pads and y-jumpers - jumpers with the big 'V' down the back rather than the front - and running from one class to the next at school, triggered by the bell - a crush on a boy that practically evey girl in that year fancied who she now hears has none of his former glory :) Followed by 6th form and the change in music and culture - dance music was just starting to be the next 'big thing' - and she finally started to turn the heads of boys at school. Not completely sure why this was happening, perhaps she was just happy for the most part and funny sometimes too :) But something definitely shifted - and it was around this time where she had her first 'real crush' with a boy from biology class. They would exchange notes, which before long became notes in code - ones that she would rush home to decipher - he was her first kiss - although her shyness rang through as the first one was smacked on his cheek - failing to get anywhere near his lips - she hadn't a clue what she was doing - and the pressure was well and truly on. So this crush thing carried on - he was still very much into her - and it wasn't long before she began to realize that for her at least, this love thing really did suck - he started to date another girl - a girl who was allowed out in the evenings and could go to the local pub for a drink - she was not of course - coming from a very strict home, on top of which drinking was definitely out of the question.

But still he sent her a note one school afternoon - the one that said that 'I think I love you' - and she was so so happy - for now as much as a 17 year old can, she loved him too. He had asked her to stand in the window of the shop the next morning when he drove passed - if she was there then it meant that she too felt the same way. Of course she was there in that window that Saturday morning as he drove by - driving to his Saurday job. She had butterflies in her stomach - loved up and beaming - she had found her 'happy' and she was loved!!!!!

So not many months passed before it all turned to $hit - he went off to university at the age of 18 leaving her at home - he sent her a letter one day saying that he had moved on - and that it would be wise for her to do the same thing - reading that as she shut the door to her bedroom, she sat on her bed and told herself over and over again that this love thing was not for her - that happiness was something fleeting and that it would be snatched away from her in the end anyway - so why bother - and it was in that moment - that precise moment that she started to build the walls brick by brick around her heart - vowing that no one would ever make her hurt like that again.

A year later she went to university herself - just 3 weeks in, she met a boy, quite possibly the first that showed her any attention and started to date him - damaged, insecure and with very little self-worth, carrying the guilt from her childhood - with little or no boundaries she fell blindly into an abyss with this boy - a relationship that would take her years to break free from.

The Brilliant Man

2011-10-13T20:22:00.000-07:00

She met him for the first time at the age of 7 - the first of her Mom's family - Mom's brother in fact. He had come round in the evening in a black cab - not many people travelled in cabs in them days. Through those 7 year old eyes, she was dazzled by his brilliance - as he sat there in the arm chair and to his left the TV was on - 'Miss World' was on. He was no doubt someone very special for her parents were the happiest that she had known them for a long time - Dad's tone was upbeat and happy - and there was a buzz in the air. He was staying for the night - the ship that he was working on was docked in Portsmouth for a couple of days.

She went to her Mom and Dad's shop the next day after school - and he was still there, this 'Brilliant Man' - he looked all shiny and new - he had a glow and in some funny crazy kind of say, she almost kinda fell in love with him - as a child does sometimes - he was that tall dark and handsome that she had seen in the ladybird books at school - Sleeping Beauty - the picture that she had traced as a child - Sleeping Beauty with her golden dress - to this day she can smell those books in the library - her own personal and private sanctuary - a space of peace amidst all of the turmoil in her short life so far. She hadn't told anyone what was happening - no one.

So there he was - and he picked her up and lifted her higher than she had ever been in her life before - to the top of the stand where the chocolates were - and there she took a brightly wrapped Quality Street chocolate from the metal box. She was the happiest she had been in a long time.

Just one year later - she went to India - Delhi - and in that searing heat she got off the plane with her Mom and Brother and was thrown in amongst the madness and chaos of the crowd - she had never seen anything like it before - people scantily clad - men only of course - wiping their brows with white cloths - women strewn about the floor - those that couldn't get a seat and kids crying - also overwhelmed with the heat and needing sleep - this was India - this was nothing like she had expected and of course nothing like her home. It was going to be such an adventure. And then the men carrying suitcases on the tops of their heads - cases that were almost twice the size that they were - she stood there and thought that she was going to hate every minute from here on in.

Then her Mom told her that her family was there - and the little girl looked up - and through the glass, she could see her family waving to her - people that she had never seen before - a Grandfather who she had never seen was beaming down at them all and waving - she was now thrilled in a way that was so new to her. And then there in with that group of strangers, she saw him, the 'Brilliant Man' :) By the time they got to their family, they were weary and in need of drinks and food - in had been a long haul - and there was hours of waiting ahead of them before the bus was leaving in the morning. So now it was their turn to lay on the plastic chairs in the waiting room - the hot sticky and crowded waiting room - looking at the sad looking clock on the wall - knowing that there were hours before anything exciting was going to happen. And then her uncle, the 'Brilliant Man' came over to her and said that he was going to take her for a walk. A walk she thought - starting to get fraught and feeling the pangs of anxiety well up in her stomach. The mixture of excitement and turmoil brewing in her tummy - and they walked the length of the waiting room - got some tea and then stood and looked at a miniature Indian Doll in a window with it's red frock on.

They both ventured outside and took in the night air - it was quiet for a moment - stillness - and moreso in her mind as they walked step after step as he held her hand as they walked - she could feel that daunting feeling of unsafety as they approached some swings. They sat and spoke - words that she cannot recall and all the time she kept thinking "I wonder what will happen" - she didn't feel all over safe - however after sharing the conversation of a child to a young adult, they went back, merrily back to the rest of the family - there had been nothing to fear - she was safe!

That trip to India that summer was the happiest time for both of those children - they had never been more loved - the only thing that had been missing the whole time was their Dad - a huge gaping hole for them as they loved him so very much - and back then there were hardly any phones, no internet and no cell phones for sure. Her uncle used to take her all about town on his scooter - and she would stand on it, tucked in behind the handle bars - safe and sound - while her brother was with the other one of the three brothers - they had both picked their favourite uncles you see :) Quite lovely! They would drive here and there and go and get kulfi before bed time - and another savoury Indian dish - and everyone about town and I mean EVERYONE knew her uncle - the 'Brilliant Man' - he was over 6 foot tall and would have to tip his head to one side to get in the door of the house - again something new to her :) He treated her like gold - carried her in his arms to the doctor when she was sick and did just about all he could to make her happy - took her shopping and even let her put make up on him - and I mean full from lipstick to eye shadow - as kids do!!! :)

Just a few years later, she went back again with her Mom and Brother - when they were leaving after the month long trip, she stood on the flat bricked roof of their family home waiting for him to come and see her before they left for the airport - she was waiting for him to come and say goodbye - and over that Indian sky and listening to the prayers from the mosque just across the street - and looking through the mosaic of bricks in the wall, she knew he wasn't going to come - she knew somehow and somewhere deep in her heart that she was never going to see him again - she was devastated and could not fathom why he had not made the effort to come and see her for she adored her uncle so very much.

Two years later, she came home from school, and turning that corner and walking passed their car like she always did - she would always look up to the window and see her Mom serving the kids - sweets and crisps and chocolates - only this time Mom was not at the window - Dad was there in his overall - something she was not used to and when he looked at her, she had knots in her stomach, she knew that something was wrong. Walking in - she looked at their faces again - intuition kicking in. She took the small steps to the back of the shop and up and through to the kitchen - there was Mom standing - all upset and looking like she had been crying - and then Dad followed.

The little girls' 'Brilliant Man' was no more - he had gone - dead - he had been taken away. And as that girl stood there and listened to this, her insides crushed and her heart broke into tiny pieces - the only thing that she loved more than her own little family was him - and now he was gone - the one thing that she had chosen as hers' was gone - and that day and at that time her faith in God and her belief in all those fairy tales she had read as a little girl were shattered. Many many many years later - with that same broken and shattered heart, she met the second man that ever took her hand - and that little girl that was now inside of that beautiful woman looked up and saw the most beautiful smile she had ever seen in her life - and with the blue sky above her, and her knees weak like jelly, her heart full and singing, the happiest moment yet in her whole life, and with Sydney Harbour Bridge in the back drop - the feeling of dread grew inside her - 'would this too be taken away?'.

Sometimes the devastating thing is not just in the loss - but in the missed communication - and the people that have come and gone who never knew how deeply and profoundly they touched your heart.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-10-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to have written this some hours ago but got caught up watching 'Crazy Stupid Love' - what an hysterically funny film and Ryan Gosling wins my 'Phwwwooooaaaarrrr Award' this weekend :)

I spent Saturday buying myself a new flat screen TV - I figured it was time to be a 'grown up' and get in with the times - it is rather nice - I've caught myself admiring it a few times and so then I had to run out and get the right cords so that I can hook my laptop up to it and watch Corr'rs and Eastenders on the big screen - it was like being back at home again this afternoon at my Mom and Dad's - sitting on the couch. However here I was leaning on a hot water bottle with my right shoulder - I have pulled a muscle some how and it really has been quite painful. Oh and then I dropped the corner of the 26 inch box TV on my foot yesterday as I was dragging it to my car for recycling - honest to goodness there are times when I really wish there was a man about the house. I had a big green bruise on my foot and all the veins were popping out which only went to emphasize the swelling - luckily it has been fine today. Shared that story with my Mom earlier and she was dumbfounded that there was no one here to help me with it - oh well - when needs must you just have to get on with it whatever way you can.

I have had a lot of emotional shifts since my massage last week - of course having healing energy work on your body by a shaman is never an easy feat - truly brings up all kinds of stuff . I learnt why that happens when a friend of mine told me that muscles store memories - hence the fact that emotions stir. Matthew said something last week that helped me remember that ironically we forget to be 'in our power' sometimes. I came to that realization just this morning - I was beginning to get increasingly frustrated listening to tales of woe and 'worry' and 'this is wrong' and 'that is wrong' - frustrated truthfully at myself more than at any other person because people are afterall acting as a mirror - so it just meant that that was what was going on inside me - when I get that piece it's hard for me sometimes to get to a space where I can just forgive myself and everyone that has managed to rattle me and move on - 'thoughts create things' - I know this first hand.

My very first experience of this fact was when I was at school - less than 13 or 14 years old - we have a store at home called Argos - and they were probably the only place when we were kids that had a catalogue that you could take home. As a young girl, I would love looking at the jewelry and the other trinkets and beauty items - there was a pair of clear crystal drop ear-rings in there that I used to look at a lot because I really liked them and hence really wanted them. Christmas time I got those exact ear-rings given to me by a friend - those exact ear-rings! And then the same thing happened with a silver box. Law of Attraction!!!! Isn't that why so many people now have vision boards where they have pictures of all the things that they want and then look at it to attract those things into their lives? I am going off on a tangent - but to get back to my point - it just shows how powerful we are as humans - and just how powerful thought is.

And what do we do? We spend our time worrying about the little things and the big things - cos of things that we have heard, or read, or been told, or taught - or whatever! We have, most of us, lost our own guidance system and been pulled into a space of fear - and the big thing for me here with this is that 'what you think about - you bring about' - so spend enough time on that and you will create it in your reality. I watch my Mom go through it - in cycles - she almost always has something that she is 'carrying' around - which frustrates me because she is one of the strongest women I know - and if she just spent that same time focusing on something postive, the results would be the 'proof in the pudding' - we can all do it - the power of prayer or meditation - whatever your meditation is - it could be a walk around the block - a half hour on the treadmill - writing or reading - whatever stills your mind enough to get you to that quite space - in stillness - where you can hear your own heart beat and realize what an incredible miracle you are - we all are. And yet we give that power up every single day when we worry - it's simple - if you don't feel good thinking whatever it is you are thinking - it is simply not good for you to be thinking that thing!!!!! Ta-da!!!!! Oh and don't get me wrong - I can still be a compulsive worrier - I was doing it for the best part of this work week - I got the permanent job and somebody else didn't - so what do I do? Give my power away to appease that certain someone so that he could feel better! WTF!!!!!! I had to reel myself in and be in my power - this is mine!!! I have created this amazing new job and opportunity for myself and deserve it - and going back to my previous blog - realizing that 'something bad is not going to happen!' - that was the big piece for me - HUGE in fact.

So there it is - my gift this week - 'I am in my POWER' :)

Oh and I did head out again on Friday night to celebrate the news of being taken on permanently at work - we went somewhere we had not been in a very very long time - and hey presto - had a really great time - nice food and nice wine and it was 'happy hour' so dirt cheap too - I even had a couple of tequila shots :) Home by 9pm again so nothing too crazy and my friends carried on into the night. And back to work tomorrow - we had an extra day off today for Thanksgiving - it comes earlier here than it does in the U.S.

So there you have it - a tough week or so - and I have felt deeply troubled and had my emotional ups and downs - but there is always something good to focus on - and my lesson - forgiveness is the key thing to letting things go - for me at least - It was still erking me thinking about that Kelowna trip - but honestly, we all do the best that we can in any given moment - and if we had known better we would have done better.

Oh and before I sign off - I am told that there is going to be an awesome Christmas Party at work - and it's a 'black tie do' which I am thrilled about as there are never enough occasions to get dressed up for in Vancouver - and the talent in the office - and in the building just seems to be getting better and better!!!! So I am now working on attracting a super hot date for Crimbo :) And I got checked out by a couple of hotties at the grocery store - so must be doing something right! :)

Carry Me

2011-10-07T07:29:00.000-07:00

Sitting there peacefully, grateful for that Friday feeeling and applying my mascara - I remembered the date.

October 7th - My Uncle's birthday - he died when I was just 13 years old - a moment in my life that defined my relationship with God for many years to come - and led me to believe that happiness was just a fleeting moment - my heart still hurts when I think of him.

And the day I left my Slovenian in Sydney, Australia after flicking him the finger and throwing his lotion from the window.

Some days you just want to curl up in a ball in the farthest nook of the closet and cry - this is my day - and I pray that God carries me today xx

The Shocker Part Two

2011-09-26T20:18:00.000-07:00

It wasn't too far into the evening that I was bursting to get the f**k outa there - I had come out in my lovely dress with my high heeled shoes - first night in ages and was getting the run down on someone's pregnancy - how now the baby is doing this and how now the baby is doing that - and don't get me wrong, I will never really understand why women behave that way until I am in those shoes too - but honestly - it would not have taken a rocket scientist to figure out that this was a 'Friday Night Out For The Girls'. After I had asked the typical questions about cost and the logistics and the selection process, I was ready to get on with my evening - so I suggested that we move on knowing full well that 'Mom to be' would not be in tow - thank goodness!!!!

We got a ride into Yaletown which is not too far from the Downtown core and I practically ran from the car to get away from the anxiety pot of madness. One pregnant woman and two women practically on the edge - now in wonderment and disbelief that this is what the World has in fact come to. Paying $900 for something that comes free on most weekends nights after a few drinks at a club!!!!! :)

My friend and I both stood there in shock - SHOCK!!!!! Both of us looking inwards at our own lives - is that really how we were going to end up? Like that!!!!! Throwing in the towel and giving up the dream, the hope, the idyllic promise of romance and Prince Charming - cos that was what it came down to at the end of the day - she had given up on finding love - she admitted it - the man - the family and chosen to do it alone - again do not get me wrong here - it is there very much in my plan if by 41 blah blah blah - but if that is the thought process that I begin to undertake right now - then low and behold that WILL be me in a years time with my legs up in stirrups with Sample X being inserted with the turkey baster - oh how clinical that picture already looks in my mind!!!

We both sat in shock drinking our white wine - each with our own view point and thought process - both of us coming to the conclusion that really we need to get out of Vancouver before it is too late - for real!!!!! Hand on heart - even with the back-up plan, for me there is an element of sadness to this whole artificial method - it would mean that in some way and somehow I had failed in a way that so many others seem to succeed - I say 'seem' - not really sure why - why does it look like something good versus something bad????

So we both went round and round drinking and thinking - we were out on the patio - watching the nightlife of Vancouver walk by and it is pretty easy to see why we are single you know - the chicks are all dressed up like something out of a Guess ad' and all the guys are just checking out the booties and t*ts of any chick that walks by - and trust me there is a lot of skin on show - and sadly - really sadly and much to my dismay - we ended up in the same bars on the same streets - with the same people - seven years on I am still seeing the same sad faces - drinking the same sad drinks - and I had an epiphany - that I really am happier on a Friday night at home with my feet up watching a good movie or Eastenders - eating some good food and getting an early night and not feeling like $hit the next day. Really!!!!! I wanted to run home as fast as I could - but we ended up venturing to another dump before I said I was truly over it. My friend took a cab and I walked home - the streets are very busy and extremely well lit so that is never a bother - and it wasn't late.

I have come to realize for me that Vancouver has a 'sell by date' - that after a few years if you are not engaged or wed, a drunk, chemically addicted or a workaholic, you move on - it's like I said to my friend that night, the mountains and the ocean are a beautiful sight - but they don't hug you when you need a hug - or cuddle up on the couch with you - or cook you dinner - or run you a candle lit bath or blah blah blah. I think my love affair with this place is almost at an end - and as I said to pregnant lady that night, I have loved it here, this city has nurtured me, mothered me, protected me and healed me - brought me back to life - it's just simply time now to move on to the next phase.

I know that I have said this before - not too many months ago in fact - I did just pull a 'Fairy' Card too and it said 'New Location' - it's been saying that for some time now and last night my 'Goddess' Card was 'Pele' - encouraging me to be honest with myself and realize my dream.

Hmmmm - my dream - now what would my dream be? Well you know if I really have to write this after all the months that we have shared - then I will write down what I say to myself out loud every morning in the shower - it is the only thing that stops me from spiralling out of control in the mornings as I ponder on some other silly little thing that happened at work - or something that someone said or did or didn't do.

It goes something like this:

I have an amazing partner - not only is he the finest man that I have ever met, he takes really good care of himself - and he respects himself - and has self-esteem - and because he feels all those things about himself, he is not afraid to open his heart and love, love me - and of course he is smoking hot!!! :) and the world doesn't have to agree on that score! :) - we are co-creating a life together that far surpasses anything that we could have done alone. We go on amazing holidays together - we've been to Hawaii and the Maldives and Peru to name a few - and from each of those places, we have bought home a carving or a painting that is on the wall or on a shelf in our beautiful home. This beautiful home has a view of water, nothing too vast - perhaps a lake - and downstairs at the back of the house is a conservatory - and this is where I do my 'healing' work and consult with my clients. We have two beautiful children - the girl has pretty brown curls in her hair and is a little madam - and the boy, well he is the one that grabs my leg and hides behind me when he sees a stranger and both of them jump for joy when their Dad comes home from work. There is a suite to one side of the house - nothing huge but just private enough for my Parents to have a space of their own - they stay with me for months on end - and love that space - their own TV so Dad can watch the footie - Mom cooks in the adjoining kitchen - and my children are guaranteed the love and wisdom of their elders. My Brother and my Best Friend come to stay too from time to time - a home created in bliss and love. We are all in fine health - in a place of abundance, happiness and joy.

So that is the 'dream' I play out in the shower in the morning - I dare to dream - I dare to dream in a way that some have forgotten to do - or are too scared to do.

The Slovenian told me last time I spoke with him to have a 'plan b' - now that I've got me a back-up plan, I can carry on creating that which 'I know like I know like I know' - my 'plan a' :)

Laters Skaters - gotta run and get on my foam roller - my neck hurts and I think almost everyone was coughing and sneezing in that office today - maybe it was cos I sat in a wet skirt for 2 hours in the morning after getting caught in the rain - now don't get me started on the rain!!

Oh and if any of you fancy watching a romance - check out the new 2011 Jane Eyre - it's lovely and the lead guy - well he's as schlllleeeerppppyyyyyyyy as a Solero!!!! Michael Fassbender - I bet he got ripped on loads by the kids at school with a name like that - but he's scrumptious!

The Shocker Part One

2011-09-25T13:00:00.000-07:00

Hey All - I'm still not getting to grips with the season :)

I was talking to myself in the mirror the other day - giving myself some kind of assurance on a consolation prize at the end of all this - it's that downer I get sometimes after I have spent the day in company and walk back through the door to the 'aloneness' that lurks inside - shutting that door and knowing that that is it until I venture out to work again in the morning. It's not as sad as I make it out to be fair - but it is like being in a cave sometimes - hidden from the the World and life.

I had tears in my eyes - and I looked at myself and in an 'out loud' moment promised myself that if I hit 41 and am still single - hopelessly single - I am going to opt for artificial imsemination - YEP - I said it out loud - my mind followed that road a little more as I guesstimated how much that would cost me - I figured it would be an horrendous amount of money - and then I thought about what my Dad would say. What would my Dad say to his little girl who had failed to find her Prince Charming and secure those dreams of a 'Happy Ever After'? I don't wish to sound morbid and honestly I am not being, but who will I leave all my little tinkets to? Who else will value all my little trinkets and jewels and crystals and photos and journals of my life story if not my own flesh and blood? - and then I get really really scared. Who will I pass my 'life' down to - who will I share the stories with - who will remember me?

I think I have just articulated in words my biggest fear - even more than never finding love - my biggest fear is never having children of my own.

And the clock feels like it is ticking.

On Friday night I went out for a drink with my friend - following what had been a good week at work - although things there too are starting to unravel now - don't get me wrong I am very happy - but slowly as I get to grips with the processes and procedures and the people - I am starting to get bored again - the challenges are getting starting to get fewer and far between.

I have also caved my own head in finding the Slovenian on Facebook - I sat and looked at his face and became rail roaded by a tirade of emotions from full on wanting to smack his face in - to wanting to touch him - to wanting to shake him - and then back to wanting to smack his face in again. I have to say that he has not aged as well as I had anticipated - in fact no, that is a lie - he has aged exactly how I would have expected him to - somewhere beyond that face and the evidence of years, I can see his eyes and the heart strings tug again and I get an 'awwww' moment - and then want to smash his face in again. Am I ever going to be wholly good to myself and let go of this thing - and if I choose to do that - do I even know how to? I have been at this thing for years now and it seems that I am no closer -and how I can ever be open to something new if that is still there rattling around in my heart? I wish someone could give me the answers.

So yes I went for a drink with my friend and I was excited to get out after a few weekends of sitting at home and staying alcohol free - I sat there and we talked and she shared her tales at work and in her personal life - and I shared mine and as the minutes passed we got closer to opening up and sharing the 'real' wounds and emotion - and then I did it, I shared with her my plan to get artificially inseminated like the 'Back-Up Plan' by the age of 41 in the event that I was still single.

No word of a lie, we had just finished that line of thought and conversation when another lady that we met back in the Spring walked passed the window - waved and headed in to join us. She sat down and first words out of her mouth were "I am pregnant" and then of course we asked 'how' - she was artificially inseminated at a fertility clinic - at $900 a pop and successful 3rd time round!!!!!!

I just had one of those crazy moments where I just vanished into a vacuum as a hole heap of emotions from surprise, shock, terror and disbelief just swallowed me up hole - I was gob smacked. What had the world come to?????

( I have to get my laundry done now and will get back to this later today )

The Fall

2011-09-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

I think I know now why they call it the 'Fall' here in North America - it's cos you crash like a star from heaven when the sun stops shining - the cold sets in - you can see the blue tinge to your toes again as they beg you for socks - you need a blankie on your bed again - it's dark at 7pm - the trees look a little sad and droopy - 'Come Dine With Me' is back on TV again with the Canadian re-runs which are $hit compared to the UK version - your pretty little dresses and tops get pushed to the back of the closet and out come the darks again - with the little rain jacket - the big black umbrella - and crap Emmy awards that remind you that the Oscars and Christmas are just around the corner. And on top of that I am bored out of my brain!!!! I have read a little, done some of my body rolling exercises, went for a drive, done all my chores, watched a little of the Emmys - but then realized that 2 more hours of this $hit and I will be catatonic. So here I am writing and venting on my blog.

Oh my goodness, this turn of the season makes me soooooooo sad. Feels like a loss - a deep welling sadness that summer is gone - all those opportunities for I don't know what really - seems like the next few weeks are just a slip sliding slope to dark morning wake ups - followed by dark morning walks to work - with the dark evening walks back home - and all those amazing hopes that we have at the beginning of spring when the trees are full with their little buds are GONE!!!!! I hate it!! It sucks!!! :)

Honestly I have a face that could trip me up right now - we've had two days of rain now and that pitter patter that I hear on my bedroom window is a reminder of what's to come - frizzy hair - gum boots - fighting the wind with your brolley and this lovely berry tan that I have will be covered up until next spring when all of it will just have faded away. I don't get people who say that they love this time of year - I am so not one of those people. People are going into hibernation mode and you don't get asked out for drinks on the patio anymore - some of my friendships have kicked the kerb as I have already shared with you - and then oddly enough men that I haven't heard from since this time last year get in touch again - just looking for that 'cuddle in front of the fire partner'- not gonna be me!!!! Nice thought but if I wasn't desperate enough last year, the onset of my 41st year on this planet has not changed a thing.

Hope I haven't sent any of you into a tail spin and got you feeling depressed too - but some of you must share my feelings too - right? And on top of all that, there's nothing on TV - I absolutely cannot wait to get up and go to work tomorrow just for some human interaction.

Watched 'Due Date' last night which was so so so funny - although there was one bit that was really crude - a real ' euuuuuhhh' moment. Then I saw 'Blue Valentine' which was about a lovely relationship which eventually breaks down right before your eyes - very powerful acting and sad too. It's brutal to watch two people lose all that hope and magic that they once shared - happens every single day - if only we could be reminded of that which brought us together in the first place. And then I watched another crap movie with Jen A - sorry guys I know I have moaned about her before - but it really was a boring film with Adam Sandler - I just sat here wanting it to end so that I could go to bed - and yes, I could have gone before the end - but you know how it is when you just wanna forward a movie to the end to see what happens?!?

And as I shared another sentiment with my colleague earlier this week - no more bronzed bodies on the beach playing volleyball - I think that's the biggest kicker of all! :( That stretch of beach is always a guaranteed 'schlerrrppppp' moment - in fact more than just one. And oysters and a glass of white wine just don't taste the same when the sun don't shine.

So what else is new? Not a lot really to be fair - work is going well - busy and enjoying it. Haven't been out for a couple of weeks - maybe that explains my state of mind right now - I was just thinking how much fun it would be to be in a really nice, lively spot with some good dance music playing, and freinds all gathered having a laugh and dressed to impress - people just don't really do that here and there really aren't many lively spots to go to where you can meet new people. I don't know maybe it really is time for me to stop procrastinating and to move on from here - but hey, Toronto in the winter is no picnic - I've heard horror stories about how you have to have the electric running to your car all night just to make sure that your engine starts in the morning and doesn't completely freeze out on you.

So - even though I have complained for the last 20 minutes or so - I should share with you that I am actually in a really happy place - life is good and I am super content - I think I'm just having a moment - perhaps it's that dread of singledom just before the festive season that is kicking off all these maudlin feelings. I guess some how in some way, I hope every summer not be alone anymore and it's just come and gone again - and here I am - single!!!! Yes that's it - that's the real reason why I am feeling like this. Oh well - back to my Abraham Hicks and 'calling in the one' :)

Okay Y'all I'm gonna take my moany little ass off this couch and do one of my meditations while it's nice and quiet - bye!

Friends don't do that - part two

2011-09-10T22:25:00.000-07:00

I've realized over the last few days, and after listening more to Abraham Hicks and the concept that thoughts really do create your experience - that I do not wish to dwell on the events of last weekend for too much longer. So the ending to this tale may be a little less extensive than I had thought going into 'part one'. I guess I've just had enough of thinking and talking about it.

Nevertheless as promised..........................I got up the next day really dishevelled and 'spinny' in my mind - I was so anxious now to just get in my car and get home - I didn't even want to shower or eat - just to hop in and drive home. I went up the stairs and my friend was already up - the pot head was still fast asleep - and there was not that much time to go before 10am. I went out on the deck to chat to my friend and him, and it was really more of a fact finding mission - I wanted to be sure that driving pot head home was not going to take me out of my way - let's call her Betty to make things easier to write. So I made it clear that I was not going to drive all round the Lower Mainland in order to get her home - and that it would be better to drop her off Downtown and then she could get the skytrain. But NO - I was assured that the drop off would not be out of my way and that it would not add any time to my journey.

I did not of course believe them.

By 10.15am we were in the car and then Betty delays the action so that she can have another puff - I was furious - now she was going to sit in my car bonced out of her brain - with that energy seeping into the compacted space of the innerds of my car. I know that I probably think way too much about crazy stuff like that - but it just bugged me to the max. Neither of them had a dime to give me there and then for gas money which - well what did I expect? And off we went - me trying to be light hearted cos I had just been told off for being a grouch by my friend - and we started up Highway 1. Listening to music and chit chatting, it really wasn't so bad.

Now that we are 4 hours into the journey and I am knackered, we had to get off the highway so that I could drop Betty off - and there I see it in front of me - 72 kilometres to Vancouver - we're almost there - it was such a relief.

So we get off the highway - and these 2 space cadet navigators have me going in the wrong direction - almost to the US border - this was it - I just lost it!!!!! I didn't say a word but I was just so over it by now that I wanted to just tell them to get the f**k out of my car and then just cry. We're talking almost 5 hours in the car with them by now - and was it too much to expect that they know where we're going????? She said she knew the way AND had a map!!!!! So we got on the right track - I was told that it was 30 more minutes until we got to her place.

You what????????????? 30 more f**king minutes - where the F**K are we????? I was shaking from head to toe - and then 5 minutes before I drop her off - she asks me where I live - I was so taken aback - it took Betty almost 6 hours to ask me a f'ing question - go figure!!!!

She got out - and then my 'friend' and I left to get home to Vancouver. I had to say something - I was seething - and I knew that I was about to explode - all I could muster was that if that drop off had not taken me out of my way, that I would eat my hat. To which the cheeky thing said, 'well did I expect to drop her off on the street' - well actually I f'ing did!!!!! And then when I got to the topic of the bathroom - she said it had been my fault - MY FAULT. I absolutely could not fathom how she came to that conclusion - so I proceeded to explain events that night from my point of view. THEN she tells me that everyone knew I wasn't having a good time - but NONE of those donkeys thought to talk to me - but let's think about the fact that they probably talked about me behind my back which is why I was so wigged out and strung out the whole time. I asked her why no one has asked me what was up and she said that no one knew me that well - but they did entrust me with the drive home!!!!!! I shake my head as I write this.

She then proceeded to tell me that she would not have asked me to come if she had known about the fact that I hold my lone time and free time as very precious to me - and I thought, you didn't ask me - your boyfriend asked me!!!!!!!!! And I wish to f**k I had followed through and just said NO the few times that I had doubted the trip with her in the first place. So I was thrown under the bus - felt well and truly like $hit knowing now that I had been paranoid for a reason and just wanting her to get as far away from me as possible and then just stay there for a very long time.

I dropped her off - helped her with her frigging bag cos that's who I am and then got myself home - as soon as I got back here I was filled with regret that I ever put myself through that - and took myself away from the serenity and peace of my own home - my want here had been to be part of the group and have fun - and I had been so flattered when I was initially asked to go - thinking it was going to be an awesome time.

But as I said to my friend Krystal today who called me Godzuki, which I thought was cute - the gift in all this........................................by Friday, which was yesterday and I got home after work - I came through my front door and sat here and watched a soppy movie with Kate Hudson - had a good cry and released all the pain from being treated like that by someone I had begun to think was a dear friend - and looked at my space and my life, and I realized that I have an awesome life - a lovely home that I have created - with amazing friends albeit most of them are overseas, and an incredible family - I have created this beautiful serene, safe and tranquil space for myself - and I will never again hand over the power to someone else to take that away from me.

And next long weekend I'm bloody well staying at home - doing what I want - watching what I want - listening to what I want - sitting where I want and eating what I want - SO THERE!!!!!!!!

That guys is the end of that tale - it goes back to that same lesson time and time again - don't be afraid to be YOU!!!!!!!!!!