Free University Application E-book

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Lesson One: Tackling the Question
Application Essays Sample College Application, Business School Application, Law School Application, Medical School Application
Application Essays General Application Questions
Lesson Two: Brainstorming and Selecting an Essay Topic
Ideas For Essays Brain Storming Ideas
College Worksheet Brainstorming Worksheet
Application Topic Exercise Selecting a Topic Exercise: Do's and don'ts with comments by experienced Admissions Officers
Lesson Three: Structure and Outline
Essay Editing Help popular Essay Structures
Essay Outline Sample Outline Essay
Short Essays Help Help on Tackling the Short Essays
Writing Templates Essay Writing Templates
Lesson Four: Style and Tone

The Style of Writing Sentence Range
College Essay Cliches Essay Cliches List
Word Choice in Writing Essay Word Choice
College Essay Transitions Essays Transitions
School Essay Verb Verb Tenses: Changing Passive Voice to Active Voice
Strong Verbs and Weak Verbs EXERCISE
Making Sentences Active EXERCISE
Lesson Five: Introductions and Conclusions
Introduction of an Essay General Tips
Essay Descriptions and Introductions . Academic Introduction, Creative Introduction, Action Introduction, Dialogue Introduction, Overarching Societal Statements, Personal Introduction, Question Introduction, Quotation Introduction
conclusion of a paragraph example. Conclusions Do and don't
Lesson Six: Editing and Revising
Proof Reading The Art of Writing
Essay Editing Service Substance, Structure, Interest, Proofreading
Essay Funny Stories Real Essay Gaffes (Funnies)
Essays final Step Final Steps

Final Steps

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Read Your Essay Out Loud: To help you polish the essay even further, read it out loud. You will be amazed at the faulty grammar and awkward language that your ears can detect. This will also give you a good sense of the flow of the piece and will alert you to anything that sounds too abrupt or out of place. Good writing, like good music, has a certain rhythm. How does your essay sound? Is it interesting and varied or drawn out and monotonous?

Have Your Essay Professionally Edited: After spending hundreds of dollars on test prep courses and guidebooks, you must be extremely confident if you decide not to seek a professional's advice on the most controllable aspect of the entire application.

Funny Mistakes

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"Proofread! Have others proofread! Spell check! It's stunning how many people have careless, even really obvious typos in their statements. It makes the applicant look sloppy, uninterested, unintelligent." - Admissions Officer

You would be amazed at the things that get written in admissions essays-even at the top schools. The following is a list of some of the funniest mistakes found by the admissions officers on our team. Remember that behind the hilarity of these errors lurks a serious message: always proofread your essays! Otherwise, you will get the same reaction that these other applicants did: "It makes you wonder if these kids care about their essays at all," said one of our staff. "I never know whether to call it apathy or ignorance," said another "but either way, the impression is not good." Then again, at least they got a laugh!

Mt. Elgon National Park is well known for its rich deposits of herds of elephants.

I enjoyed my bondage with the family and especially with their mule, Jake.

The book was very entertaining, even though it was about a dull subject, World War II.

I would love to attend a college where the foundation was built upon women.

The worst experience that I have probably ever had to go through emotionally was when other members of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and I went to Pennsylvania for their annual pigeon shooting.

He was a modest man with an unbelievable ego.

Scuba One members are volunteers, but that never stops them from trying to save someone's life.

Hemingway includes no modern terminology in A Farewell to Arms. This, of course, is due to that fact that it was not written recently.

I am proud to be able to say that I have sustained from the use of drugs, alcohol and tobacco products.

I've been a strong advocate of the abomination of drunk driving.

If Homer's primary view of mortal life could be expressed in a word it would be this: life is fleeting.

Such things as divorces, separations, and annulments greatly reduce the need for adultery to be committed.

It is rewarding to hear when some of these prisoners I have fought for are released, yet triumphant when others are executed.

Playing the saxophone lets me develop technique and skill which will help me in the future, since I would like to become a doctor.

However, many students would not be able to emerge from the same situation unscrewed.

I look at each stage as a challenge, and an adventure, and as another experience on my step ladder of life.

"Bare your cross," something I have heard all my life.

There was one man in particular who caught my attention. He was a tiny man with ridiculously features all of which, with the exception of his nose, seemed to drown in the mass of the delicate transparent pinkish flesh that cascaded from his forehead and flowed over the collar of his tuxedo and the edge of his bow tie.

Take Wordsworth, for example; every one of his words is worth a hundred words.

For almost all involved in these stories, premature burial has had a negative effect on their lives.

I know that as we age, we tend to forget the bricklayers of our lives.

I would like to see my own ignorance wither into enlightenment.

Another activity I take personally is my church Youth Group.

The outdoors is two dimensional, challenging my physical and mental capabilities.

Going to school in your wonderfully gothic setting would be an exciting challenge.

My mother worked hard to provide me with whatever I needed in my life, a good home, a fairly stale family and a wonderful education.

I hope to provide in turn, a self motivated, confident, and capable individual to add to the reputation of Vassar University whose name stands up for itself. [Note: the correct spelling is Vassar].

Filled with Victorian furniture and beautiful antique fixtures, even at that age I was amazed.

They eagerly and happily took our bags, welcomed us in English, and quickly drove us out of the airport.

Do I shake the hand that has always bitten me?

In the spring, people were literally exploding outside.

Freedom of speech is the ointment which sets us free.

I first was exposed through a friend who attends [school].

As an extra, we even saw Elizabeth Taylor's home, which had a bridge attaching it to the hoe across the street.

Under Activities: Volunteer (Retarded tutor)

Name of Activity: Cook and serve homeless

On a transcript: AP English

Misspelled abbreviation on another transcript: COMP CRAP (computer graphics)

Handwritten on an interview form under Academic Interests: Writing.

As Revision Essay

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PROOFREADING

When you are satisfied with the structure and content of your essay, it is time to check for grammar, spelling, typos, and the like. You can fix obvious things right away: a misspelled or misused word, a seemingly endless sentence, or improper punctuation. Keep rewriting until your words say what you want them to say. Ask yourself these questions:

Did I punctuate correctly?
Did I eliminate exclamation points (except in dialogue)?
Did I use capitalization clearly and consistently?
Do the subjects agree in number with the verbs?
Did I place the periods and commas inside the quotation marks?
Did I keep contractions to a minimum? Do apostrophes appear in the right places?
Did I replace the name of the proper school for each new application?
Have I caught every single typo? (You can use your spell-checker but make sure that you check and re-check every change it makes. It is a computer after all.)

As Revision Essay

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INTEREST

Many people think only of mechanics when they revise and rewrite their compositions. As we know, though, the interest factor is crucial in keeping the admissions officers reading and remembering your essay. Look at your essay with the interest equation in mind: personal + specific = interesting. Answer the following:

Is the opening paragraph personal?
Do I start with action or an image?
Does the essay show rather than tell?
Did I use any words that are not usually a part of my vocabulary? (If so, get rid of them.)
Have I used the active voice whenever possible?
Have I overused adjectives and adverbs?
Have I eliminated clichés?
Have I deleted redundancies?
Does the essay sound interesting to me? (If it bores you, imagine what it will do to others.)
Will the ending give the reader a sense of completeness? Does the last sentence sound like the last sentence?

As Revision Essay

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STRUCTURE

To check the overall structure of your essay, conduct a first-sentence check. Write down the first sentence of every paragraph in order. Read through them one after another and ask the following:
- Would someone who was reading only these sentences still understand exactly what I am trying to say?
- Do the first sentences express all of my main points?
- Do the thoughts flow naturally, or do they seem to skip around or come out of left field?

Now go back to your essay as a whole and ask these questions:
- Does each paragraph stick to the thought that was introduced in the first sentence?
- Does a piece of evidence support each point? How well does the evidence support the point?

Is each paragraph roughly the same length? Stepping back and squinting at the essay, do the paragraphs look balanced on the page? (If one is significantly longer than the rest, you are probably trying to squeeze more than one thought into it.)
Does my conclusion draw naturally from the previous paragraphs?
Have I varied the length and structure of my sentences?

As Revision Essay

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SUBSTANCE

Substance refers to the content of the essay and the message you send out. It can be very hard to gauge in your own writing. One good way to make sure that you are saying what you think you are saying is to write down, briefly and in your own words, the general idea of your message. Then remove the introduction and conclusion from your essay and have an objective reader review what is left. Ask that person what he thinks is the general idea of your message. Compare the two statements to see how similar they are. This can be especially helpful if you wrote a narrative. It will help to make sure that you are communicating your points in the story. Here are some more questions to ask yourself regarding content.

Have I answered the question asked?

Do I back up each point that I make with an example? Have I used concrete and personal examples?

Have I been specific? (Go on a generalities hunt. Turn the generalities into specifics.)

Could anyone else have written this essay?

What does it say about me? After making a list of all the words you have used within the essay -- directly and indirectly -- to describe yourself, ask: Does this list accurately represent me?

Does the writing sound like me? Is it personal and informal rather than uptight or stiff?

Regarding the introduction, is it personal and written in my own voice? Is it too general? Can the essay get along without it?

What about the essay makes it memorable?

Conclusions

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The conclusion is your last chance to persuade the reader or impress upon them your qualifications. Endings are the last experience an admissions officer has with your essay, so you need to make those words and thoughts count. You should not feel obligated to tie everything up into a neat bow. The essay can conclude with some ambiguity, if appropriate, as long as it offers insights. The aim is for the admissions officer to leave your essay thinking, "That was a satisfying read." Here are some Do's and Don'ts as you develop your conclusion.

DOs

Expand upon the broader implications of your discussion. This could include the following strategies:
- Consider linking your conclusion to your introduction to establish a sense of balance by reiterating introductory phrases.
- Redefine a term used previously in your body paragraphs.
- End with a famous quote that is relevant to your argument. Do not TRY to do this, as this approach is overdone. This should come naturally.
- Frame your discussion within a larger context or show that your topic has widespread appeal.
Tie the conclusion back to your introduction. A nice conclusion makes use of the creativity you used in your introduction. If you used an anecdote in your intro, use the conclusion to finish telling that story.
Try to end on a positive note. You may want to restate your goals in terms of how they will be fulfilled at the institution to which you are applying.

DON'Ts

Summarize. Since the essay is rather short to begin with, the reader should not need to be reminded of what you wrote 300 words beforehand. You do not need to wrap up your essay in a nice little package. It should be an ending, not a summary.
Use stock phrases. Phrases such as, "in conclusion," "in summary," "to conclude," belong only in dry, scientific writing. Don't use them.
Try to Explain the Unexplainable. Your essay need not be so tidy that you can answer why people die or why starvation exists -- you are not writing a sitcom -- but it should forge some attempt at closure.

Before you move on to Lesson Six: Editing and Revising, you should take a break. Let your draft sit for a day or two. You need to distance yourself from the piece so you can gain objectivity. If there is anything more difficult than trying to edit your own work, it is trying to edit your own work right after you have written it. Once you have let your work sit for a while, you will be better able to tackle the final steps of editing and revising.

Types of Introductions

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Quotation Introduction: Many writers are tempted to start their essay with a quote. You should try to resist this temptation, as most quotes will look forced. Admissions officers will be turned off if it is apparent that you searched through a book of famous quotes and came up with a quote from some famous philosopher about whom you know nothing. The quotation introduction is most effective when the quote you choose is unusual, funny, or obscure, not too long, and from those to whom you are closest. Choose a quote with a meaning you plan to reveal to the reader as the essay progresses. The admissions committee is interested in how you respond to the quote and what that response says about you.

Examples:

John F. Kennedy said, "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." I see academics as a similar two-way interaction: in the classroom, I will do much more than take up valuable space. Because of the broad range of experiences I have had, my knowledge of many subjects is thorough. These experiences will help me perform well in any class, as I have learned how to use my time efficiently.

EssayEdge Says: This is a risky quote with which to begin an essay. After all, it is difficult to imagine a more time-worn or oft-repeated statement. However, this introduction goes on to apply this quote in a relatively unique manner. The contrast between such a standard quotation and such an interesting application will likely catch your reader's attention.

"Experience is what you receive when you don't get what you want." I remembered my father's words as I tried to postpone the coming massacre. Just as during the fall of the Roman Empire, my allies became enemies and my foes turned into partners. In fast and furious action with property changing hands again and again, I rested my fate on the words of one man, hoping he would rescue me from this dangerous tailspin. Do these experts realize the heartbreak they are inflicting on my young life? While the uncertainty of tomorrow's attire is the most pressing concern for many seventeen-year-olds, I must worry about much greater issues! It is August 31, the market is down over 300 points and the value of my stock portfolio is falling fast.

EssayEdge Says: Quoting a person with whom you enjoy a close relationship is generally preferable to quoting a famous source. This passage's strength comes from the brief, understated role that the quote plays. The short statement introduces the rest of the paragraph and presents the fundamental point, and then the essay moves on to examine specific details. This is the ideal role of a quotation.

Types of Introductions

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Question Introduction: Many admissions essays begin with a question. While this is an easy way to begin an essay, admissions officers may perceive it as a "lazy introduction." No one wants to read an essay that begins with such tacky material as: "To be or not to be?" or "Are you looking for an applicant who has drive and determination? Well, I'm your guy." If you are going to use a question, make sure that it is an extremely compelling one and that your experiences provide answers.

Example:

Influence? Why is it that the people who influence us most influence us in ways that are not easily quantified? Through her work with abused children, my mother has shown me the heroism of selfless dedication to a worthy cause.

EssayEdge Says: With one word, this introduction takes an essay question about the person who has most influenced you and turns it back around to the admissions board. In effect, you are telling them that you have thought about their question thoroughly. You have thought about it for so long that you have a couple of questions of your own - questions that have sparked an interesting commentary.

Types of Introductions

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Personal Introduction: The Personal Introduction takes the reader directly into your mind. It says, "This is what it is like to be me. Let me take you to my little world." Since there is a little voyeur in even the most stern admissions officer, this type of introduction can be very effective. It is always in the first person and usually takes an informal, conversational tone:

Examples:

At times, I think the world around me is crumbling to the ground, but it never does. Like most people, I face the crunches of deadlines and endless demands on my time, but I have never encountered the type of adversity that can crush people, that can drive people crazy, that can drive them to suicide.

EssayEdge Says: This introduction is indeed compelling, but it raises important questions about appropriate content. Be careful to avoid writing a personal essay that is far too personal. You do not want your reader to think that you might have character weaknesses that prevent you from handling stressful situations well.

I chuckle to myself every time I think about this. I am perceived as a mild-mannered, intelligent individual until I mention that I am involved in riflery.

EssayEdge Says: Did the first sentence of this introduction confuse you? This was no doubt its intention. By creating a little mystery in the first sentence, the reader is forced to keep reading and keep wondering, "what is this kid's secret?" until the final word, which pops in the reader's mind, sort of like a gunshot: "riflery."

Types of Introductions

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Overarching Societal Statements: Rather than using a traditional thesis statement you can put forth a societal observation that ties into the theme of your essay. This can be very effective if the statement is unique and gives a glimpse into how you view the world. It can be detrimental if your statement is debatable or unclear. Make sure that if you use this form of introduction that no admissions office will take offense to it.

Examples:

High school is a strange time. After three years of trying to develop an identity and friends in middle school, students are expected to mature immediately on the first day of ninth grade.
EssayEdge Says: Be careful not to make statements in your introduction that seem too exaggerated or unrealistic. After all, no one expects a student to immediately mature on the first day of ninth grade. Moreover, if your reader senses that you attained most of your maturity at the beginning of high school, he or she might be less than impressed with your character development. It would be better to state, "students are expected to enter a new environment in which they must function with far greater maturity."
To this day, the United States remains driven by the American Dream, and we often hear of immigrants who come to this country to search for opportunities that their native countries lack. In these tales, immigrants succeed through hard work, dedication, and a little luck. As idealistic as the story may seem, I have been fortunate enough to experience its reality in the life of one very important man. His example has had great impact on my personal expectations and goals, and the manner in which I approach my own life.
EssayEdge Says: This is an excellent way to introduce a discussion of a person who has influenced you significantly. Instead of launching immediately into a list of this man's excellent qualities and admirable accomplishments, this introduction lays the foundation for a comprehensive look at just why the man had such a profound impact on you. It also places the most importance on the American Dream, as is fitting in an essay like this one.
Art is a reflection of one's self-identity in the most unaffected manner. Because art is very personal, it has no right or wrong. The type of art that has influenced me most is music.
EssayEdge Says: The first two sentences in this introduction set the kind of tone you want to maintain throughout your essay: introspective and creative. However, it moves on to a very boring and stilted structure in the third sentence. To keep the tone creative, you could replace that sentence with the following: "Although artistic expression can take many forms, it is music that has captivated me."

Types of Introductions

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Dialogue Introduction: Like the action introduction, the dialogue introduction brings the reader directly into the action, only this time in the form of dialogue. If you are writing about an influential figure in your life, you can mention a quote from this person that exemplifies the importance that he or she had on your life.

Examples:

"You must stop seeing that Russian girl, " I ordered my brother when he returned home last summer from the University of Indianapolis. Echoing the prejudiced, ignorant sentiment that I had grown up with, I believed it was wrong to become seriously involved with a person who does not follow the Hindu religion and is not a member of the Indian race.

EssayEdge Says: Multicultural awareness is a key aspect of fitting in well at a university, and admissions officers are very aware of this. Thus, it is an excellent idea to mention how you expanded your cultural sensitivity. Beginning the essay by admitting that you were once less tolerant is a compelling way to demonstrate just how much you have grown as a person.

On the verge of losing consciousness, I asked myself: "Why am I doing this?" Why was I punishing my body? I had no answer; my mind blanked out from exhaustion and terror. I had no time to second-guess myself with a terrifying man leaning over my shoulder yelling: "You can break six minutes!" As flecks of spit flew from his mouth and landed on the handle bar of the ergometer, I longed to be finished with my first Saturday rowing practice and my first fifteen-hundred-meter "erg test."

EssayEdge Says: The power of this introduction comes from its attention to detail. The question "Why am I doing this?" gains support from every horrible detail: the exhaustion, the terrifying man, and the specks of spit flying from his mouth! With such strong supporting evidence, the quotation takes on a life of its own. Your reader will find himself thinking, "Why would anyone do that? I'd like to find out."

Types of Introductions

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Action Introduction: An Action Introduction takes the reader into the middle of an action sequence. By not building up to the story, it forces the reader to read on to find out not only the significance of this moment in time, but what led up to and followed it. It is perfect for short essays where space must be conserved or for narrative essays that begin with a story.

Examples:

I promised God I would eat all my peas, but He didn't care. A confused eleven-year-old girl, I sat and listened to my father pace. With each heavy step echoing loudly throughout the silent house, my family's anxiety and anticipation mounted while awaiting news of my grandfather's health. My heart racing, I watched the clock, amazed that time could crawl so slowly. Finally, the telephone interrupted the house's solemn silence. I heard my father repeating the words "yes, yes, of course." He then hung up the receiver and announced my grandfather's death and cancer's victory.

EssayEdge Says: This is the kind of introduction that will immediately intrigue your reader because it begins with a very unusual declaration. The image of a little girl eating peas and hoping to acquire God's help is charming while hinting at the solemnity of the situation described.

Surrounded by thousands of stars, complete silence, and spectacular mountains, I stood atop New Hampshire's Presidential Range, awestruck by nature's beauty. Immediately, I realized that I must dedicate my life to understanding the causes of the universe's beauty.

EssayEdge Says: The first ten words of this essay will catch your reader's attention, mainly because they create a mental image of perfect natural beauty. Note that you should try to avoid repeating key words. In this instance, it would be easy to avoid repeating the word "beauty." You could simply use "magnificence" or "loveliness" instead.

Types of Introductions

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Creative Introduction: A creative introduction catches the reader off-guard with an opening statement that leaves the reader smiling or wondering what the rest of the essay contains.

Examples:

Imagine yourself a freshman in high school, beginning your independence. As the oldest child, I was the first to begin exploring the worlds of dating, extra-curricular clubs and upperclassmen. However, one afternoon my parents sat my two sisters and me down. They said:

EssayEdge Says: The power of this introduction is that it places the reader in your shoes, making him or her more interested in what takes place in the rest of the essay. Its main mistake is that its informality gives the essay a slightly hokey or corny tone. Although a greater degree of informality is allowed in a creative essay, you must be careful not to take it too far.

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

EssayEdge Says: This introduction is both creative and effective. It amuses the reader by listing a bizarre and probably fictitious set of achievements, thus demonstrating the writer's imagination (and poking fun at the admissions process). At the same time, its light tone avoids sounding too obnoxious. As a note, you should remember that good use of semicolons will impress your reader: "I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees; I write award-winning operas; I manage time efficiently."

Types of Introductions

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Academic Introduction: This is the type of introduction you would use for a standardized test or a history paper. A typical standard introduction answers one or more of the six basic questions: who, what, when, where, why, and how. It gives the reader an idea of what to expect. You should try to stay away from simply restating the question unless you are limited by a word count and need to get to the point quickly. Your basic academic introduction or thesis statement is best used as the follow-up sentence to one of the more creative introductions described below.

Examples:

One of the greatest challenges I've had to overcome was moving from Iran to the United States. Iran was in deep political turmoil when I left, as it is today.

EssayEdge Says: This introduction is clear and to the point, and will prepare your reader for the ideas you want to discuss. However, it is rather unexciting and will not immediately engage your reader. As mentioned, you should try to preface it with a more creative statement. In addition, it makes one typical error. One should usually avoid using contractions in a formal essay, for example, "I've."

Through all of my accomplishments and disappointments, I have always been especially proud of the dedication and fervor I possess for my personal beliefs and values.

EssayEdge Says: This is a very effective introduction to an essay about your personality. Mentioning pride is a good way to indicate how important your beliefs and values are to you. In a sentence like this, however, it would be better to use "Throughout" rather than "Through." "Throughout" better expresses the widespread, expansive tone you want to give this sentence.

Introduction of an Essay

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The introduction is the first sentence of your essay and it plays the dual role of setting the theme of your essay and engaging the reader. The introduction should not be overly formal. You do not want an admissions officer to start reading your essay and think, "here we go again." Although admissions officers will try to give the entire essay a fair reading, they are only human -- if you lose them after the first sentence, the rest of your essay will not get the attention it deserves.

General Tips

Don't Say Too Much. Just tell the story! Your introduction should not be so complex and so lengthy that it loses the reader before they even start. You have the rest of the essay to say what you want. There's no need to pack it all into the first sentence. This leads to the next tip:
Don't Start Your Essay with a Summary. If you summarize, the admissions officer does not need to read the rest of your essay. You want to start your essay with something that makes the reader want to read until the very end. Once you have drawn the reader in through the first one to three sentences, the last sentence in your introductory paragraph should explain clearly and briefly what the point of the whole essay is. That is, why you are using this person, place, or thing. What does it say about you?
Create Mystery or Intrigue in your Introduction. It is not necessary or recommended that your first sentence give away the subject matter. Raise questions in the minds of the admissions officers to force them to read on. Appeal to their senses and emotions to make them relate to your subject matter.

Types of Introductions

Please select a link below for examples and descriptions of various introductions.

Essay Cliches

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Essay Clichés, Top 10

According to the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary, a cliché is "a trite phrase or expression," "a hackneyed theme, characterization, or situation," or "something that has become overly familiar or commonplace." The last thing you want in your essay is any of the above. Clichés make your writing appear lazy, your ideas ordinary, and your experiences typical. Arm yourself with the list below and eradicate these and other clichés from your writing.

1. I always learn from my mistakes
2. I know my dreams will come true
3. I can make a difference
4. _________ is my passion
5. I no longer take my loved ones for granted
6. These lessons are useful both on and off the field (or other sporting arena)
7. I realized the value of hard work and perseverance
8. _________ was the greatest lesson of all
9. I know what it is to triumph over adversity
10. _________ opened my eyes to a whole new world

Effective Transition

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EXERCISE : TRANSITIONS

Connect the following sentences using an effective transition, when needed. (In some cases, the two sentences will be able to stand without a transition.)

Ordinarily, I took my responsibility seriously and would write down classmates' names to preserve the silence and decorum of the school environment.
When a different teacher walked in, a teacher known to punish too hard and painfully, I decided to save my friends from his hard strokes, and I erased all the names.

Despite the windy conditions and below freezing temperatures, I could not tear myself away from the awe-inspiring beauty of the cosmos.
Despite the frustration and difficulties inherent in scientific study, I cannot retreat from my goal of universal understanding.

But the sadness with which she responded, stating, "He died when he was a baby," convinced me that it was true.
It affected me as nothing ever would again.

Finishing the test in an unspectacular six minutes and five seconds, I stumbled off the erg more exhausted than I had ever been. That night, I went home and caught a cold.
Had I followed my survivalist and rationalist instincts, I would have quit rowing then and there;

Immediately, I realized that I must dedicate my life to understanding the causes of the universe's beauty.
The hike taught me several valuable lessons that will allow me to increase my understanding through scientific research.

After my grandfather's death, I began to understand and follow his sage advice.
I pulled out a picture of my grandfather and me at Disneyland.

Often, she had to work from dusk to dawn living a double life as a student and a financially responsible adult.
My mother managed to keep a positive disposition.

In addition to working and studying, she found time to make weekly visits to terminally ill and abandoned children in the local hospital.
My mother developed the value of selflessness.

My mother made me learn Indonesian, the official language of our country.
Also, she wanted me to develop interests in various academic and extracurricular fields.

Answers:

1) However; 2) Similarly; 3) The shock of this revelation at such a tender age; 4) That was three seasons ago. 5) In addition; 6) To cope with his passing; 7) Despite the burdens she faced; 8) From her experiences during college; 9) My mother did not only want me to have a broad knowledge of languages.

Transitional Phrases

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Applicants often ignore transitions to their own detriment. A good essay must use transitions within paragraphs and especially between paragraphs to preserve the logical flow of the essay. An essay without good transitions is like a series of isolated islands; the reader will struggle to get from one point to the next. Use transitions as bridges between your ideas. As you move from one paragraph to the next, you should not have to explain your story in addition to telling it. If the transitions between paragraphs require explanation, your essay is either too large in scope or the flow is not logical. A good transition statement will straddle the line between the two paragraphs.

You should not have to think too much about how to construct transition sentences. If the concepts in your outline follow and build on one another naturally, transitions will write themselves. To make sure that you are not forcing your transitions, try to refrain from using words such as, "however," "nevertheless," and "furthermore." If you are having trouble transitioning between paragraphs or are trying to force a transition onto a paragraph that has already been written, then this may indicate a problem with your overall structure. If you suspect this to be the case, go back to your original outline and make sure that you have assigned only one point to each paragraph, and that each point naturally follows the preceding one and leads to a logical conclusion. The transition into the final paragraph is especially critical. If it is not clear how you arrived at this final idea, you have either shoe-horned a conclusion into the outline, or your outline lacks focus.

If you are confident in your structure, but find yourself stuck on what might make a good transition, try repeating key words from the previous paragraph and progressing the idea. If that doesn't work, try this list of common transitions as your last resort:

If you are adding additional facts or information:
as well, and, additionally, furthermore, also, too, in addition, another, besides, moreover
If you are trying to indicate the order of a sequence of events:
first of all, meanwhile, followed by, then, next, before, after, last, finally, one month later, one year later, etc.
If you are trying to list things in order of importance:
first, second etc., next, last, finally, more importantly, more significantly, above all, primarily
If you are trying to connect one idea to a fact or illustration:
for example, for instance, to illustrate, this can be seen
To indicate an effect or result:
as a result, thus, consequently, eventually, therefore,
To indicate that one idea is the opposite of another:
nonetheless, however, yet, but, though, on the other hand, although, even though, in contrast, unlike, differing from, on the contrary, instead, whereas, nevertheless, despite, regardless of
When comparing one thing to another:
In a different sense, similarly, likewise, similar to, like, just as, conversely.

EXERCISE:

Effective Transition

Active Sentences

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EXERCISE : MAKING SENTENCES MORE ACTIVE

Change these sentences from passive voice to active voice, or note if no change should be made.

1. I was taught by my brother the principles of barbecuing.

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2. My father was given the title by the former head chief.

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3. The house was wrecked by the party and the cat was let loose by the guests.

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4. The house is a mess, the cat is lost, and the car has been stolen by Justin.

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5. Unfortunately, my plan was ruined by Gerald, the building superintendent.

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6. The roof was leaking. It had been leaking all week.

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7. The ball was thrown by Lucy, who had been hiding in the bushes.

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8. Francesca was placed on the first flight to Boston. Her father put her there.

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9. "To be or not to be?" That is the question.

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10. A feast had been created from nothing. I was astounded.

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Answers:

1. My brother taught me the principles of barbecuing.
2. The former head chief gave the title to my father.
3. The party wrecked the house and the guests let the cat loose.
4. The house is a mess, the cat is lost, and Justin has stolen the car.
5. Unfortunately, Gerald, the building superintendent, ruined my plan.
6. No change.
7. Lucy, who had been hiding in the bushes, threw the ball.
8. Francesca's father placed her on the first flight to Boston.
9. No change.
10. A feast had been created from nothing. This astounded me.

What are Verbs

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EXERCISE: STRONG VERBS vs. WEAK VERBS

Fill in the blanks using the most descriptive or active verb phrase.

1. After working closely with my mentor, I __________ advanced techniques in oil painting.
a) was beginning to master
b) began to master
c) mastered
2. My newspaper article on the labor strikes __________ both praise and criticism.
a) generated
b) got
c) was the recipient of
3. Once I joined the debate team, I __________ the opportunity to compete every weekend.
a) sought
b) had
c) was exposed to
4. Samuel's touchdown __________ the stadium crowd.
a) created much energy in
b) energized
c) really energized
5. Woolf's essay __________ my opinion of gender inequality.
a) challenged
b) made me take another look at
c) was challenging to
6. As Jessica drew near me, I __________ the baton and took off running.
a) grasped
b) got
c) was given
7. Once my mother had fallen asleep, I __________ the dolls on her nightstand.
a) put
b) arranged
c) set up
8. Chris and I __________ an educational project for first-graders in our community.
a) began
b) started
c) initiated
9. "Why didn't you ask me before throwing it away?" Jason __________.
a) hollered
b) said angrily
c) started to yell
10. Mr. Franklin __________ that he was our true father.
a) let us know
b) told us
c) revealed

Answers:

1) c; 2) a; 3) a; 4) b; 5) a; 6) a; 7) b; 8) c; 9) a; 10) c;

Verb Tenses

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As you write your essay, remember to focus on verbs and keep adjectives to a minimum. Pumping your sentences full of adjectives and adverbs is not the same thing as adding detail or color. Adjectives and adverbs add lazy description, but verbs add action.

Writing in a Passive Voice

Our editors find that one of the greatest weaknesses of admissions essays is their frequent use of the passive tense. For this mini-lesson you will learn why the passive voice should be avoided, how to identify it, and how to replace it with the preferred active voice.

Overuse of the passive voice throughout an essay can make your prose seem flat and uninteresting. Sentences in active voice are also more concise than those in passive voice. You can recognize passive-voice expressions because the verb phrase will always include a form of to be, such as am, is, was, were, are, or been. The presence of a be-verb, however, does not necessarily mean that the sentence is in passive voice. In sentences written in passive voice, the subject receives the action expressed in the verb; the subject is acted upon. In sentences written in active voice, the subject performs the action expressed in the verb; the subject acts.

EXAMPLES:
(Passive) I was selected to be the tuba player by the band leader.
(Active) The bandleader selected me to be the tuba player.
(Passive) I will be prepared for college as a result of the lessons my mother taught me.
(Active) My mother taught me lessons that will prepare me for college
(Passive) I am reminded of her voice every time I hear that song.
(Active) That song reminds me of her voice.

Changing Passive Voice to Active Voice

If you want to change a passive-voice sentence to active voice, find the agent in the phrase, the person or thing that is performing the action expressed in the verb. Make that agent the subject of the sentence, and change the verb accordingly. For many instances of the passive voice in your essay, you can follow these steps:

1. Do a global search for the words "was" and then "were." These words often indicate the passive voice.
2. Cross out the "was" or the "were."
3. Add -ed to the verb that follows "was" or "were."
4. If that changed verb does not make grammatical sense, it is an irregular verb, so change it to the simple past tense.
5. Rewrite the sentence around the new active-voice verb.

Passive Free Writing

Write a 100-word essay on anything at all (preferably relating to your essay topic) without using any form of the verb "to be."

EXERCISE:

Strong verbs vs. Weak verbs

Making Sentences More Active

Word Choice in an Essay

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Don't Thesaurusize. The second trap into which many students fall is thinking that big words make good essays. Advanced vocabulary is fine if it comes naturally to you, and when used correctly in an appropriate context. After reading thousands of essays, admissions officers know which students have come up with difficult words by themselves and which have looked them up in a thesaurus.

Show, don't tell. Too often, an essay with an interesting story will fizzle into a series of statements that "tell" rather than "show" the qualities of the writer. Students wrongfully assume that the reader will not "get it" if they do not beat to death their main arguments. Thus, the essay succumbs to the usual clichés: "the value of hard work and perseverance" or "learning to make a difference" or "not taking loved ones for granted" or "dreams coming true" or "learning from mistakes." Such statements are acceptable if used minimally, as in topic sentences, but the best essays do not use them at all. Instead, allow the details of your story to make the statement for you. An example helps elucidate the difference:

In a mediocre essay: "I developed a new compassion for the disabled."
In a better essay: "Whenever I had the chance to help the disabled, I did so happily."
In an excellent essay: "The next time Mrs. Cooper asked me to help her across the street, I smiled and immediately took her arm."

The first example provides no detail, the second example is still only hypothetical, but the final example evokes a vivid image of something that actually happened, thus placing the reader in the experience of the applicant.

Don't Get Too Conversational. Slang terms, clichés, contractions, and an excessively casual tone should be eliminated from all but the most informal essays. The following excerpt gives examples of all four offenses:

You are probably wondering, what are the political issues that make this kid really mad? Well, I get steamed when I hear about my friends throwing away their right to vote. Voting is part of what makes this country great. Some kids believe that their vote doesn't count. Well, I think they're wrong.

In an essay like this one, in which you must show that you take things seriously, your language should also take itself seriously. Only non-traditional essays, such as ones in the form of narrative or dialogue, should rely on conversational elements. Write informally only when you are consciously trying to achieve an effect that conveys your meaning.

Don't repeatedly start sentences with "I". It is typical for the first draft of an essay to have many of the following type of sentence: I + verb + object, for example, "I play soccer." If this kind of simple structure is used too many times in an essay, it will have two effects: your language will sound stunted and unsophisticated; you will appear extremely conceited -- imagine a conversation with someone who always talks about herself. The trick is to change around the words without changing the meaning. Here is an example:

Before: I started playing piano when I was eight years old. I worked hard to learn difficult pieces. I learned about the effort needed to improve myself. I began to love music.
After: I started playing piano at the age of eight. From the beginning, I worked hard to learn difficult pieces, and this struggle taught me the effort needed for self-improvement. My work with the piano nourished my love for music.

Don't repeat the same subject nouns. When writing an essay about soccer (or leadership), do not repeatedly use the word "soccer" (or "leadership"). The repetition of nouns has much the same stunting effect as the repetition of "I" (see above). Look for alternative phrases for your subject nouns. For soccer, you might use vague synonyms ("the sport," "the game") or specific terms ("going to practice," "completing a pass"). In the case of leadership, you could use phrases such as "setting an example," or "coordinating a group effort."

Sentence Range From

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Many students think that the longer the sentence they write, the better the sentence. This is far from the truth. You do not need long, complicated sentences to show that you are a good writer. In fact, short sentences often pack the most punch. The best essays contain a variety of sentence lengths, mixed within any given paragraph. Try reading your essay out-loud, pausing at every period. Listen to the rhythm of your prose. Are all of the sentences the same length? If each of your sentences twists and turns for an entire paragraph, or you run out of breath at any point, break them up into smaller statements. You may also want to try a more methodical approach:

EXERCISE : SENTENCE VARIETY

Once you have completed your essay, try labeling each sentence "short" (under 10 words), "medium" (under 20 words), or "long" (20 or more words). A nice paragraph might read something like M S M L M S. A dry essay would be S S S M L L L.